Tuesday, 8 March 2005

Know thy enemy...

... because we're just making it up as we go along. Ladies and gentlemen, the official Every Day Is Like Sunday predicted AFL 2005 Premiership Season ladder. Last year I got both the Premiers and wooden spooners right AND picked Collingwood to be complete rubbish. Sadly I didn't actually write it down anywhere to prove it so feel free to question such outrageous claims.

1 - Port Adelaide
It's all about dynasties. I don't expect any team to win less than two in a row for the next few years. If I see Peter Walsh lifting the AFL Premiership trophy I will simultaneously be happy for him and shed a silent tear at the same time. You can't pick against them to win it again. Maybe they'll go back to choking in the finals again?

2 - West Coast
Biiiiiiig improvers. Mind you I've said this for three years. This time I'm tipping them all the way into a Grand Final before the inevitable poleaxing defeat in front of a mild MCG crowd.

3 - St. Kilda
If Fraser Gehrig is allowed to kick another hundred goals I'm going to start watching D Grade amateurs instead of the AFL. In my completely uneducated and sub-Mike Sheahan opinion they're every possible chance of winning it next year after going close in '05.

4 - Brisbane
On the way out. Four years ago they were cute, cuddly and we all secretly wanted them to succeed. Now we hope they crash and burn. Stand up if you love the tall-poppy syndrome. Remember when we beat them by 98 points at the MCG in 1998 and Jeff White took a fairly average "screamer" that Kevin Bartlett attempted to force "Mark of the Year" on? Didn't you just throw things at the TV when that came on the replay? I did.

5 - Geelong
Came within one decent quarter of rolling Brisbane in the prelim final last year. I don't quite see Brad Ottens as the solution to all that is wrong in the Greater City of Geelong but he can't hurt. There or thereabouts. Which is what you say when you've got no idea.

6 - Melbourne
Let's be entirely honest here - why would anyone think we're a Premiership threat? Our forward line is on and off like a tap, and the backline is dubious at best. When the midfield inevitably start dropping like flies we're in trouble. Prove me wrong! When we win a Premiership this post will be altered so take a screenshot now.

7 - Fremantle
Awful Jeff Farmer Wizard Cup ads notwithstanding I quite like the Dockers. If Chris Connolly can't get them into the 8 this year he should not only have his contract extension torn up but he should be burnt on a stake in the middle of Subiaco during the Eagles first finals match.

8 - Sydney
I find it hard to hate Sydney. They've got such a jaunty theme song and all sorts of old people seem to love them. Then I remember their pivotal role as AFL lovechilds and wish for a return to the days of the early 90's when they'd play in front of 10000 people and lose every week. Except when they beat us by 8 goals after losing 30 in a row. Bastards. Meanwhile I still haven't forgiven Barry Hall for his attempted murder of a Febey brother during the 1998 finals series.

9 - Essendon
We've all been waiting years to write them off. I'm not sure if 9th = off but I'm going with it anyway. One of these days Sheedy will finally throw off the last few shackles of sanity and go completely mad, and I'm predicting it'll come by Round 10. Anyone who thinks Hird will go a full 22 rounds without doing himself in at least once is deluding themselves. Bombers fans (as if you'd be reading this anyway..) Justin Murphy can't save you this time. Look what happened to the lot who rolled us in the first round last year. If you don't know which side I'm referring to please scroll down - a lot.

10 - Carlton
I'm dubious on this one. Theoretically they could turn around and make the 8 or they could be pulling off a giant tease and be completely mediocre. Either way it's a step up. If they're lucky they'll confine their 100+ point losses to a grand total of 0 this season. I'm scared of Lance Whitnall - he reminds me, in a good way, of King Kong on the loose.

11 - North Melbourne
Yawn. Wake me up in another two decades when they're either very good or comically bad. Who actually plays for them?

12 - Richmond
Better. But that's not saying much. As much as I like Terry Wallace I'd be mildly amused if his supposedly club-saving reign is a complete failure. Especially given the length of contract they handed him - try paying that out. Richo is predicted to have an average of at least 0.7 tantrums a game across the season.

13 - Footscray
They might be good next year. Or they might be complete balls. How should I know? Is this "View From The West - The Footscray FC blog"? In a completely spiteless way my interest in their club is even less than I have in North. They're just... inoffensive.

14 - Collingwood
A list so paper-thin it's a wonder they aren't still sponsored by Spicers. If it wasn't for him you wouldn't even know they were in the competition. Thousands of children around Australia are predicted to develop lifelong emotional traumas after seeing footage of their fans celebrating a rare win as if it were a Premiership. Interesting fact - Leon Davis has played in two Grand Finals!

15 - Adelaide
Only home ground advantage can save them from their inaugural spoon. Was it that many years ago that Malcolm Blight was making shit up as he went along (Trent Ormond-Allen in the ruck! Shane Ellen as a forward!) and somehow winning two Premierships in the process? Actually it was. Now they're rubbish. The only thing more hillarious than their inept performances will be the name Graham Johncock.

16 - Hawthorn
They tried their hardest to crack it for 16th last year but found Richmond to be a marginally shitter side. This time I predict they will achieve their aim. Whether or not they draft the best player in the land with #1 or trade it for a 1987 Mitsubishi Magna is yet to be seen.

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