Saturday 23 February 2008

Twat's Entertainment

So, we lost again last night. Not that you'd know from the shithouse reportage of the event. For the record Richmond beat us by 35 points in Cairns, but you'd hardly know it had even taken place. One pissy story clearly written by an agency writer who probably wasn't even at the game has been reproduced on every single website without any insights whatsoever. Who kicked the goals? Who played well? Actually, who played full stop?

Yes, in a week where the AFL have decided that they're going to add new teams and make a shitload of money they can't even be bothered to give you proper updated scores (even quarter by quarter) or a decent report on a game. So what if it's a practice game, if you're going to give it some gimmick name like the NAB Regional Challenge then at least treat it with some respect. It's bad enough that we get such shithouse coverage that we don't even get to watch drafts, but this is complete balls. They're probably making millions out of their website every year and they can't even get one of their officials on a junket in Cairns to phone through some scores for the website every once in a while.

When you're reduced to reading forums where people are posting information that they're getting from somebody at the ground who is sending them text messages, then you've got to start wondering what sort of competition you're actually following. Can you imagine that kind of a scenario in the NFL or Premier League? Sure, if the practice match is Melbourne vs the Diamond Valley D4 amateurs then fair enough leave it alone, but when you pit two legitimate AFL sides against each other (though having seen both Melbourne and Richmond last year there might be some argument against legitimacy) at least put some effort into it you peanuts.

Where does this leave us? Well, I'd like to be able to tell you - I really would. Talk to me next week.

All I know is that Juice Newton necked himself and went off in a brace. We wish the great man all the best.

Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance Votes
Who the fuck knows? 5 for Phil Gilbert, 4 for Trent Ormond-Allen and spill the rest between Andrew Lamprill, Vin Cattogio and Fatoui freaking Atata for all I know

Next Week
I think it's Footscray in Bendigo on Friday night. I'm not taking any more chances, I'll be there. Hook me up with a wireless modem by then and I'll liveblog it. Otherwise I'll just sit there (possibly in a car, honking the horn whenever there's a goal) and self-harm for four quarters.

Of course, given the farcical nature of scheduling in this competition we may very well turn out to play the Nashville Kangaroos in Bangkok.


The Sunday Age presents us with a best players list. I have every suspicion that it's a complete fiction, especially because it lists our best player as a "C. Newton", but given that they're a newspaper and Demonblog is - err - not I'll take their word for it. Votes and leaderboard are therefore as follows,

5 - Newton
4 - Jones
3 - Davey
2 - Sylvia
1 - Johnson


8 - Jones
5 - Buckley
5 - Newton
3 - Valenti
3 - Davey
3 - Sylvia
2 - Garland
1 - Johnson

Pre-Season Fever

Ever since I fell into this damned sporting escapade, after being blissfully ignorant of sports for the first seven years of my life, nothing has summed up what off-season feels like better than Apocalypse Now,


Saigon... shit; I'm still only in Saigon... Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the jungle. When I was home after my first tour, it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my wife, until I said "yes" to a divorce. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the jungle. I'm here a week now... waiting for a mission... getting softer; every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie squats in the bush, he gets stronger. Each time I looked around, the walls moved in a little tighter.

Sad isn't it? Even coming off the back of our own Vietnam-esque disaster of campaign last season, there was nothing that I wanted more - even ten minutes after the final siren of that Round 22 abortion against Carlton - than the bounce of Round 1, 2008.

The TSP Verdict
Best Case Scenario: 6th
Worst Case Scenario: 15th
Most Likely Scenario: 10th

Over to the good Colonel for some final words on the upcoming season,
The horror... the horror...

Sunday 17 February 2008

(Geelong) Road To Nowhere

So, welcome to season 2008. Are you depressed yet? Well, the good news is that I'm here to tell that we might have been well and truly touched up by Geelong at Kardinia Park yesterday but we were almost 50 points better against them than Port Adelaide managed in the Grand Final. Therefore we are the second best team in the competition. Yes!

Complete horseshit I know, but the story of yesterday's game is clearly more one of an absolutely sensational team, with a huge spread of senior players available toying with an already inferior squad lacking most of it's leadership group and half a dozen crucial players. Scoreline aside we weren't entirely embarassing today, and once you throw (deep breath please)..

Neitz, McLean, Rivers, Davey, Bruce, Wheatley, Carroll, Miller (I suppose..) etc.. etc.. back into the mix we already look like a better side. Maybe not top 8, but definately not the bottom of the harbour style performance that the score might have indicated.

A game review? Must I? I spent more time with my head in the record trying to work out who the hell half of our players were.

Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Playing Performance (!?) Votes

5. Buckley
4. Jones
3. Valenti
2. Garland
1. Sylvia

Votes for other pre-season games will be as awarded by the newspapers, unless I'm actually there and then I'll make the decision. God forbid we play an intra-club anytime soon I'll hand out some votes there as well and make this well and truly confusing.

ZOMGer Watch
Well, now that both the Philthy and Byron Watch's are redundant we need somebody else to focus on. Unfortunately Zomer is unlikely to feature in more than a handful of matches this year so it's going to be a bit of a waste.

Crowd Watch
Early in the week the AFL, those bastions of truth and fairness in reporting, told us that the game was rapidly selling out and that we'd better buy tickets in advance to avoid disappointment. Sounded like a massive scam to me, and indeed it was. 10,000 people "packed" the ground to watch their returning heroes in their first post-Grand Final run out. Let's assume there were a thousand MFC fans, a thousand Cats fans from elsewhere, and 500 neutrals. That means that 7500 of 160,000 locals got down to the game. Wonderful stuff. Support the game. Harked back to the glory days of the late 90's when they were going down the tubes at a million miles an hour and were all set to join Pyramid and the Geelong Supercats in the list of local icons that had gone tits up financially.

Some twat behind us kept yelling "wooden spoon! wooden spoon!" every time we cocked something up. Amazing how after forty years of mediocrity people start to get cocky after they win once. I want to win once so I can be a complete bastard as well.

Next Week: Cairns for the NAB Regional Challenge. Did you know that there are "Regional Challenge" games being played at Princes Park? Who knew that Carlton's rubbish form over the last few years had turned so many people off that we have to go on a mission to reintroduce the game to the people of Parkville. Meanwhile given that we're the club who are pioneering an international student membership, and so many of them live in the area why can't we play there?

Maybe they're planning to add another few teams on top of the Gold Coast Goast and West Sydney Wankfest in a few years? The Cairns Crunts might be in the mix along with the Port Moresby Pedos. I can't wait.

Next season: We could be a contender! This season, however, we are going to be flotsam. Get used to it.