Oh my hat

I've got nothing but appreciation for Mick Stinear's time as our coach, but scientists at the Demonblog Institute have confirmed that waiting all year for the first awkward meeting in a final, then blowing the biggest lead in AFLW history, and losing thanks to a missed sitter is PISS FUNNY. May he enjoy good times at Geelong, preferably finishing second behind us every year, but unless the legacy of the Princes Park Miracle is ruined by them coming back to beat us in the Grand Final, the key memory of Stinear vs Melbourne Pt. 1 will always be the tremendous cock-up of losing from 28 points in front in the third quarter.

If you move the game to a different timeslot it doesn't play out in the same way (take note: people who moan about 25/09/21 not happening in Victoria, as if we'd definitely still have finished the game with a 100-7 to run), but this was a prime time finish with more storylines than a season of Home and Away. Instead, it played the opening act of a double header at 1.05pm. If you're also a bozo who hasn't  yet cancelled Kayo for the summer, coverage started what was meant to be five minutes before the bounce.  Which hardly screamed 'frenzied finals atmosphere'. I don't know why Foxtel wasted their time putting pre-match studio shows on for ordinary games earlier in the season, but I guess their $3.50 AFLW budget has been exhausted, and we didn't even get that.

You'd have been lucky to know this was on if not specifically looking for it. In Kayo's 'Live and Upcoming' scroller, it came after cricket (fair enough), V8 Supercars (ok), college American Football (?), Padel (!?) and the Australian Volleyball Superleague (sure, why not). For what these bastards charge, the system should know that someone who pretty much only ever watches AFL/W would prefer a final to the Canberra Heat vs Adelaide Storm volleyball blockbuster. 

There's always the option of watching Channel 7, if you want every goal to be followed by Mon Conti saying "right stitch up" as if she's being held at gunpoint by militants. But if you also made the mistake of trying to access the game at exactly 1pm and had to use every bit of willpower available to scroll the 'tennis in a plastic box' intensity of Padel, the first bounce was delayed by nearby lightning. Last week the game carried on after the lightning allegedly got within 'stop the game' range, so I don't know what the difference was here. It played havoc with the limited time I had to watch live, but best not risk everyone being flambeéd for my convenience.

Even without the ex-coach shenanigans, this game had as much box office potential as possible in front of a crowd of 4743. Geelong, unable to play at home due to people jumping bikes over large mounds of dirt (notably absent from the list of fringe sports available on Kayo), arrived with the best attacking record in AFLW history, while we're the ultimate all-rounders. Not the best in any category, none of the players ever win major awards, but it all comes together in a 'near enough to the top in every aspect' to make us dangerous opposition for anybody except North after the first quarter.

For the first 2.5 quarters we were outplayed, but also had all sorts of bad luck. Like Hore standing on her own inside 50 early in the first quarter, only for the ball to develop a sense of humour instead of sitting up perfectly for her to turn around and snap. Due to being great, the captain was still able to regather for another shot, but the moment had passed. Geelong's kick-in barely made it across the 50 before it was back with Harris for a set shot. She's done plenty of good things this year, but kicking accuracy is not amongst them. The trend continued with a big helicoptering slopball that went OOF in the pocket.

All the attack was to the left of screen, but we've seen multiple games this year where the opposition failed to take advantage of early chances, and it wound up costing them dearly. Which nearly happened here, but after a player ran the half marathon on her way inside 50 without bouncing, they botched the finale, it remained goalless, and the game went into a few minutes of teams going up and down the ground for no reward. As far as finals go, the first W outing didn't exactly hit the heights of the last two games in the M season.

Finally, it looked like things were going our way when Bannan marked 20 metres out directly in front. Which was nice. Then hit the post, which wasn't. At the time this looked like a horribly blown opportunity, but was revealed as part of long-term Usual Suspects-style storytelling in the final minute. And after we'd done all that attack for just three behinds and cleared multiple chances down the other end, the opposition got lucky c/o a defender hopefully hoofing the ball from distance, which got the perfect bounce to skip through past a looming Lauren Pearce. Bah.

One chance of a response died when Horisk got a valuable learning experience about what not to do when running into an open goal on a slight angle. Another disappeared at the end of the quarter when the ball once more refused to go where we needed it to. It wasn't our most inspiring start, but we've started with 0.0 and won before, so no need to quaff poison yet. But you may have thought about mixing your Erin Patterson Mushroom Surprise milkshake when McNamara and Mahony had a "you first, no you first" moment over running onto a loose ball inside 50 early in the second term. This led to the ball going *BOING* down the other end, where ex-Melburnian Jacqueline Parry ran into an open goal. Which was 2x better than her last season with us, which generated just three behinds from eight games. 

There was now bright sunshine (for those not kicking to the Carlton Wall End), but we were playing like a team still waiting to be incinerated by lightning at any moment. After doing well to keep the scoring juggernaut to one fluky goal in the first half, the old floodgates were starting to heave under pressure, and I was ready to get morbidly depressed as a kick headed for a forward standing in miles of space. That was, until Gillard turned up at the last minute with one of her famous Inspector Gadget spoils. This led to the ball arriving at a spot in front of our goal where any mark would've likely led to a goal (having said that, based on some of the other set shots...), before landing in the middle of about four Melbourne players. 

Meanwhile, down the other end Geelong kicked one from 40 metres out, and you got the feeling that things were about to go tits up. But a team three goals to zilch up at Princes Park, what could possibly go wrong? Something had to, because our performance until the epic comeback was about as much fun as doing your taxes while being dipped into an erupting volcano. Like when they got another goal via plucked from the arse crumb not long after we'd been rorted out of a free on the wing. 

Things were going so badly that we spectacularly violated the 6-6-6 rule, with Fitzsimon having to run back to defence from the other end of the ground to comply. Unlike Matthew Richardson whinging about the warning every time it happens, I've got no problem with giving teams one free administrative error before they're penalised, but the payoff should be that you don't get to choose who goes where. The nearest player to the backline has to move there, the player incorrectly roaming the forward 50 has to stand 1cm inside the midfield zone, and stiff shit if the opposition takes advantage.

You may have considered necking a suspiciously bubbling concoction when Bannan dropped a mark right in front of goal, then Hanks got buried in a savage tackle. But enter the returning McNamara, fresh from a few weeks drinking through a straw to breathe life into a game that looked as if it would be dead by half-time. This had to survive the AFL's world leading 'Score Assist' technology, which didn't even have the same goal line vision as Unley bloody Oval. 

After that excitement, we nearly gave the goal straight back after a Geelong forward made light contact in the back seem like she'd been hit by a cannonball. The kick missed, and our hopes of avoiding the peril of a potential straight sets finish remained alive. That's until Parry marked with a broken time clock showing 1.56 instead of the actual 0.00, the person pushing the siren button held it down for so long that they were either a) really keen to let you know it was supposed to be half time, or; b) had died face first on the console. A difficult kick became a certainty when she got a 50 for somebody slightly breaching the protected zone. 

I understand if the player runs across the mark during the run-up, but isn't the protected zone supposed to stop interference when quick play ons? Which you can't do when kicking a set shot after the siren. So what does it matter if somebody briefly wanders into the same postcode? You don't want to encourage players to hang around within earshot of the kicking, yelling slurs to put them off, but common sense says the accidental wander past is hardly worth conceding a goal. 

Conceding in those circumstances said everything you needed to know about our first half. But, as coach Stinear was no doubt aware, the last Melbourne/Geelong final involved a massive thwarted comeback. So, for all the relevance that game had three seasons later, YOU NEVER KNEW (*insert ominous foreshadowing music* - soundtrack editor). But you did know (and turned out to be wrong), when the ball got right in front of our goal seconds into the quarter for no score, then Taylor injured an ankle when the ever-present Parry rolled her up like a wrestling pinfall. 

This led to a goal from O'Hehir of all people, but quicker than you could do the deviant Sid James O'Hehhehehehehehir laugh, they cancelled it out. When another came straight after, I'd had just about enough of footy for the 2026 calendar year. Then Harris got hurt too, and I wondered if the volleyball was still on. But never mind, because here's Heath-Barker for a goal that Geelong players couldn't have been more adamant they'd touched without submitting a statutory declaration. This was going to test the score review system... which didn't even get used... What in god's name is going on with this process? 

Our response to this slice of luck was... conceding pretty much from the centre bounce. Then, our incredibly shit run with the bounce continued with Hore about to swoop on a loose ball inside 50, only for it to make a wacky momentum-killing change of direction. BUT, slender hope was pumped into our chances of doing something silly when Hanks got a goal from the kick in. Then, the ball finally worked to Hore's advantage, and the margin was back to 13. 

It kept things interesting, but surely to god we weren't going to overcome a 28 point gap and the opposition's dominance to win. I was happy just to be involved in the last quarter, but the best outcome I could imagine was a brave defeat. Until Bannan chucked one through in the opening seconds, leaving plenty of time for Geelong to shit their shorts under pressure. They'd been so good for most of the game, but went missing when it counted. It still required us to kick two goals (or one goal + numerous behinds) to overrun them, which was where I thought we'd go wrong and end up doing the old "Maybe don't go [number] of points behind before turning up" whinge.

This goal came just at the right time to stop me going into a one-hour delay, assuming all the time that we'd lost. Instead, I was reduced to watching on a phone, while sitting in my car right outside Arden Street. Then, after 10 minutes of back-and-forth knife-edge drama, Bannan's second set shot was about 99.9% better than the first and left us a point down. Sure, the kick was paid a mark after travelling what looked like about nine metres, but who are we to question the AFLW umpires when they've got such a quality track record of getting decisions right.

I still refused to believe Geelong wouldn't kick another goal, even though they'd dropped anchor and stopped dead 30 minutes earlier. The way it was going, we may have run over the top if it went to extra time (and hopefully thrown off the schedule of the later game at Princes Park), and I was prepared to take that route if necessary. Then enter Paxy, for the ironic 'sinking of ex-coach' crumb. The chance came via a quick shot by Wotherspoon - who had as good a game as any forward without registering a score - which fell short. Bannan's marking contest propelled the ball into Paxman's path, surprisingly didn't bounce off in an unhelpful direction, and set up the snap to put us ahead with 2.30 left. Extra comedy value for a foundation player with a career record of a goal every three games sinking the only AFLW coach played under until this year.

I reacted by vigorously slapping my leg in celebration, which probably looked a bit suss to any onlookers, but once the joy was over I went back to fretting. After all, what's a five point lead if not a one point loss waiting to happen? So when the ball went inside Geelong's forward 50, I thought "here we go". Especially when the umpire signalled for high contact free, and we had to wait and see what direction he'd point in before knowing what was going on. Why do umpires gesture the 'wrong' way for frees? Is it supposed to indicate who the free is against, rather than who it's for, as if we couldn't work that out. And do we still need the extravagant gestures for free kick reasons? Just whistle, point, and get on with things. It's not 1945, we don't need dramatic deep squats and the 'no more bets' gesture to indicate holding the ball. These changes could save up to four seconds per game, and I'll wait patiently for my invitation to join the AFL Competition Committee.

This left Geelong still needing nothing less than a goal to win, and wouldn't you bloody know it, a hack kick from a pack landed perfectly to the advantage of a player 20 metres out, directly in front. It didn't travel much further than the one they paid to Bannan, but can't complain after getting away with one at our end. Here endeth, so it seems, the brave Melbourne revival. By the time she'd run 40 seconds off the clock, there wasn't enough time to get any score out of the middle without the most express centre break in AFLW history. 

But, while the ads tell us you shouldn't trust anyone but Terri Scheer for landlord insurance, don't rely on her sister Chloe for clutch goalkicking. After landing one from distance + angle earlier, she horribly shanked this with perhaps the worst kick to win a game since Sticks Kernahan went OOF while only needing a point. Talk about a stroke of luck. Certainly made up for all the bad bounces earlier. There was all sorts of "we must think about the feelings of the player who missed" good vibes shit afterwards, but there's no denying it was a massive botch job. And for that, we say thank you very much.

This left us with 10 seconds to navigate the kick-in and survive for a miraculous victory. To lose after all that with a failed short pass or kick-in straight over the line may have put me away. Fortunately, the 'hoof it as far away from goal as possible' method helped run down the clock, and somehow we'd completed the biggest heist in league history.

If it was the world's most tedious niche movie, I'd have rolled the car window down, looked towards Arden Street from the left-side window of my car and dramatically said, "You're next!" But this first required them to lose to Carlton, which was never going to happen, would have been an incredibly weird thing to do, and you can't open your window when the car is turned off. Any onlookers would've already thought I was nuts after reacting to the Paxman goal, so no need to risk the police getting involved with a Prelim on the horizon. The only charges I want to be facing in November are charges to my card for Grand Final tickets. 

2026 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Olivia Purcell
4 - Tahlia Gillard
3 - Tyla Hanks
2 - Ryleigh Wotherspoon
1 - Georgia Campbell

Apologies to Allen, Bannan, Harris, Heath-Barker, Lampard, and McNamara.

Leaderboard
The gap at the top narrows slightly, but thanks to Pegleg Pam from Geelong, only 10 votes remain, leaving Purcell with a mountain to climb for the heartwarming double-knee explosion-to-glory redemption story. How about Hanks wins this, Liv gets BOG in a Grand Final win, and everyone goes home happy? 

Speaking of GF Best on Ground awards, Tahlia Gillard may still be waiting for the AFL to correct their error and present her the 2022 (Spring) medal, but she's right back in the mix to win our equally prestigious Defender of the Year. In 20+ years I've never manipulated the outcome of a vote yet, so keep that in mind in the event of a fitting draw with Chaplin.

And in the Rookie of the Year, Allen can still be caught, but it would require something massively insane to happen.

44 - Tyla Hanks
--- Needs two finals ---
37 - Olivia Purcell
--- Back for another go in 2027 ---
20 - Maeve Chaplin (JOINT LEADER: Defender of the Year), Tahlia Gillard (JOINT LEADER: Defender of the Year)
14 - Ryleigh Wotherspoon
12 - Kate Hore
9 - Jordyn Allen (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Rising Star Award), Mia Austin
7 - Tayla Harris, Eliza McNamara
6 - Megan Fitzsimon
4 - Georgia Campbell (LEADER: Ruck of the Year)
3 - Alyssa Bannan 
1 - Shelley Heath-Barker, Aoife Horisk, Sarah Lampard

Goal of the Week
Impossible to go past the Paxman snap, and as I've got the spirit of Deesus flowing through me at the moment, I'm upgrading it to the season leader.

Next week +1
It's Hawthorn OR Carlton, both beaten this year with varying degrees of difficulty, but each capable of rumbling us on their day. There's a new frontier for humiliation if we allow the Hawks to make a Grand Final from 8th, so probably safer if Carlton win and we just take it from there. Who knows how many bullshit mid-week injuries we've got coming to us before then.

Final thoughts
It wasn't a performance that suggested we're about to become the New North, but delivered what we needed (eventually), when we needed it. What more could you ask for?

Unley Fans

As we readied ourselves for a placeholder game on the way to finals, the 'Dead Rubber' alarm went off like radiation detectors at Chernobyl when it was conveniently discovered that Olivia Purcell could do with a spot of 'managing' just as results in an earlier game meant this one would have no impact on ladder position. Not sure the AFL care enough about their own competition to make a big deal of it, but imagine the spin required if a 'please explain' landed, enquiring if the late change had anything to do with Gold Coast becoming unable to reel in the massive percentage gap to third. She felt a twinge while leaping to her feet and exclaiming "that's a shame for the plucky young Suns", your honour.

So, it was goodbye to Purcell's guaranteed 30ish disposals a game, as well as earlier withdrawal Georgia Campbell's rapidly improving ruckwork, and the experience of Paxy, who'd been left out as a precaution on Thursday night. No harm done to the feelings of supporters or league integrity because we did as would be expected with a first choice team and won anyway. And zero complaints from me, we've got important action on the horizon that made all our important players going hell for leather on a sodden suburban ground somewhere in the vicinity of Adelaide a low priority. No doubt more stars would've disappeared into the Free Hit Triangle if we had enough fit players to replace them. Would be a bit suspect to call Rent-A-Player just in case Hanks, Harris etc... slid across someone's lost car keys. 

In a week where Adelaide's Grace Kelly became the last remaining AFLW player named after an ill-fated Hollywood starlet, conditions were a fitting tribute to the original version of departing Essendon coach Natalie Wood. It was, to put it mildly, fair pissing down. This set the stage for slog, as the natural competitive instincts of a team with a 9-2 record met mid-table mediocrity-era Adelaide (with no Wildcard Round to make that a desirable status in this competition), attempting to finish the year on a high. What followed was hardly a classic, but we got what was required and nearly escaped without injuries to critical players.

After the recent outbreak of Horisk fever, she nearly got another goal via an early snap. The miss was successfully covered up by Hore going one (five?) better not long after. That goal only lasted as long as Adelaide's first inside 50, which arrived in a backline sans Chaplin, who was working an extra shift in the midfield to make up for Purcell's issues with management. Please note, despite this - and a tweet from the club during the week labelling her 'Midfield Maeve' - the Demonblog awards committee has deemed Chaplin still eligible for the Defender of the Year trophy. Objections may be raised via the Court of Arbitration for Sport in Lausanne... until you're blue in the face, it won't change our ruling.  

That was to be the home side's last goal for a while, and we nearly had the instant-ish reply through Livingstone. She hoofed one from distance that bounced in the square, prompting Pisano to celebrate before realising it may have gone upwards, but was not travelling towards goal fast enough to cross the line untouched. For a moment it seemed to have made it, before the shock return of the multi-angle video review ruled it out. So, at Princes Park, where all the major Victorian finals are played, 'reviews' consist of the umpires getting together for a casual chat, but Unley Oval has cameras in the posts. 

The good news is that AFLW uses a 'vision-based' system, which is better than one relying on audio or clairvoyancy. Now, having seen the mish-mash of random reviews this season, please consider these pre-season comments. 

"AFL Executive General Manager of AFLW, Health and Football Operations Laura Kane said the updated system would deliver a consistent and efficient score review process."

a) How's that going? and;
b) Why is your job title so ludicrous?  

We've got at least two finals to play, both at Princes Park, and if any goal reviews are decided by chit-chat vs actual footage you'll know the AFLEGMoAFLW,HaFO was talking shite.

Once that dispute was sorted out in the manner you'd have expected similar incidents to be handled for the last 11 weeks, the remainder of the opening quarter consisted of players who had "can we just get this over with?" expressions while standing in bucketing rain, bashing away at the Adelaide defence without scoring the all-important (for those of us who don't like losing under any circumstances) second goal. Finally, local resistance was broken in the last minute when resurgent goalkicking option Bannan snuck one through to make our score a slightly more appealing 2.5. 

There was almost another via lightning centre clearance, which I nearly missed while skipping forward to what I thought was going to be quarter time while watching on delay. Wotherspoon missed this one, but compensated with three more and has been our breakout player of the season, so no harm done. 

By now things from our side were a bit "let's just get through this without injuries", and while the effort level remained, you couldn't blame anyone for not risking sliding headfirst into a fence or an opponent's knee. The only remaining novelty value was Channel 7 having a boundary reporter with the same name as our coach, which was a bit like when Amy Parks reported from AAMI Park, but without the preceding 186 point loss and coach sacking. He conducted a weird half-time interview with Tayla Harris which opened with him saying he could hear her "panting", which is not a word you hear used in an AFL context every day. She could barely conceal her contempt for the experience, giving an audio version of that time she used the half-time chat to display the middle finger.

A 19 point half time margin was not entirely secure, but given the conditions near enough to, even with our diminished (both by choice and circumstance) playing stocks. It had looked like the footballing floodgates were about to open when Fitzsimon got the first goal early in the second term, but only one more followed. This still compared favourably to one point for Adelaide, who continued to have a crack in the last game of the season, nothing to lose free hit spirit but couldn't muster up any of the old aura from the days when they were toppling us in a Grand Final.

Just to make sure there was no thought of a surprise comeback, Wotherspoon got a goal on either side of half time, and I'd have died from massive head trauma after falling off my chair in shock if we'd lost from here. Had it been a men's game, I'd have been fretting until deep in the last quarter. It was, however, our last major of the third term, and a fine example of a game where the captains should've been able to shake hands and go off with the margin intact.      

It was unlikely that we'd blow a four goal lead at the last change, and there'd be chuff all ramifications if it happened, but I still carried some background fear about some sort of disaster happening. And it did, but relating to injuries not scoreboard misery. Any sense the Crows had that they were wasting their time sloshing out the season in the suburbs can't have been helped by spending the first five minutes of the last quarter in attack, only for us to go down the other end where Wotherspoon plucked a snap from an obscure angle which took the perfect bounce through without hitting the post. It wouldn't have looked half as good from the other side, but the pokey kick from the right pocket was officially an Appealing Visual Spectacle™.

And... errr.... that was it. The only other interesting thing I've got to point out is that Jacinta Hose's career statistics are currently 1 kick and 11 handballs, so let's see how far she can keep kicks under 10%. As long as Campbell returns, I don't think we'll find out during the finals, but something to think about for next season. 

Otherwise, nothing happened until the final siren... except for the small matter of Kate Hore doing something to her shoulder for god's sake. She hasn't been as critical this year as some in the recent past, but I wouldn't pick many others first for a double chance final extravaganza. But, regardless of the injury list looking worse than the 100 Years' War, we are still neck-deep in the finals, with two chances to wind up losing a Grand Final to North. The new coach inherited an almost universally successful program, and sure we haven't played either of the top two teams yet, but credit to everyone involved for keeping things steady after off-field upheaval, and with players going down like nine-pins throughout the season. Now, we've done the warm-up season, time to get on with winning a flag in a season that doesn't have to be referred to under weird numbers like 'Season 7' or 'Spring'.

2026 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Tyla Hanks
4 - Ryleigh Wotherspoon
3 - Megan Fitzsimon
2 - Maeve Chaplin
1 - Sarah Lampard

Apologies to Ebert, Gillard, Harris, and Hore

Leaderboard
Anyone with a financial investment in Purcell winning the big one would have been shattered by her withdrawal (but should also take special notice of the number for Gambling Helpline), and Hanks' latest top performance leaves her with a near unassailable lead. There's still hope for Olivia backers, but with a maximum of 20 votes available from four finals, everyone else is officially stuffed. No changes in the other awards, except for rumours of a Supreme Court challenge by a pro-Gillard faction.

41 - Tyla Hanks
32 - Olivia Purcell
--- Gorn ---
20 - Maeve Chaplin (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
16 - Tahlia Gillard
12 - Kate Hore, Ryleigh Wotherspoon
9 - Jordyn Allen (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Rising Star Award), Mia Austin
7 - Tayla Harris, Eliza McNamara
6 - Megan Fitzsimon
3 - Alyssa Bannan, Georgia Campbell (LEADER: Ruck of the Year)
1 - Shelley Heath-Barker, Aoife Horisk, Sarah Lampard

Goal of the Week
It must be Wotherspoon, and I enjoyed it so much that despite the lack of context in the final quarter of a flat game, I'm promoting it to the clubhouse leader for the season. And if you don't like it, Wotherfork off. 

Next week
The big Stinear reunion is on, with a Preliminary Final on the non-North side of the draw for the winner. The emergence of former MFC fringe forward Jacqueline Parry as one of the league's top goalkickers fits into the theme that all our exes live in Geelong, as do rumours that Fitzsimon is heading for a reunion with the old boss next year. Hopefully they can bond over memories of her absolutely extracting the piss from his side in a Qualifying Final.

This should have been Geelong's home game (if you assume the AFL would've let them play there), but we got away with it because Kardinia Park was already booked for a motorbike wankfest. Instead, it's off to Princes Park at the marquee time of 1.10pm. People say it's because Channel 7 don't want to show the games in prime time, but they've spent months doing that for pissy home and away games, and presumably if there's any more blood to be squeezed from the viewing audience, it'll come from showing important games between the best sides in the competition. Obviously not, and we're into part A) of a weird finals double header.

Unless there's midweek injury drama (and who could rule it out?), Campbell, Paxman and Purcell will be back. Which helps, but I suspect a lot of the action will be in whether we can hold the Cats off from scoring a shitload, while taking our own opportunities. Which is about the blandest match preview that could ever be written, but I legitimately have NFI what's going to happen.  

Final thoughts
Let rip with the real stuff.

Horisker for the experience

Appropriately, our 100th home and away game was celebrated with a semi-accurate historical recreation of the first. It was a different venue, different result, and the lightning only threatened instead of chasing everybody off for 30 minutes, but what it had in common was four quarters of sloggy slog in rain that was variously 'falling', 'bucketing down', and 'stopping for a bit before going off again'.

The Big Whizz contributed enough towards our win that it should nearly be eligible for votes. Who knows how much trouble we'd have got from Footscray, led admirably in the MFC tradition by one of our ex-assistants, in dry weather, but they did almost everything right here except converting chances. These went begging at an industrial rate, as the wet ball skewed hither and yon off boots, fingertips, and chests inside 50 all night. We made scoring look difficult, but with the key difference of forward targets who could successfully catch a damp ball without comically botching it.

Whether it was the wet wot won it, or if we'd have just piled on a few more goals in regular conditions, the path to victory means bugger all compared to the result on finals calculations. This doesn't guarantee a top four finish, but makes it far more likely than had we cocked this one up. The odds are on the big Stinear reunion against Geelong coming in a final. The general public will say "who?" and "what?", but that's marquee stuff for the sort of enthusiasts who'd be reading this.

For sponsorship purposes, the Western Oval is now known as 'Mission Whitten Oval' - abbreviated on screen as MWO, in violation of rules stating that in any three letter acronym, 'WO' must stand for 'World Order'. I reject the new name, but still had a 'MWO is us' headline warmed up in case of tragic defeat. In its glory days, this ground made the violent winds at Casey look like a gentle breeze, but has since been redesigned/mostly knocked down so you don't get games where all 27 goals are kicked to one end of the ground. 

The lack of a grandstand on the side that the cameras point offers a lovely view of the city, and in this case a skyline that suggested the game could be abandoned due to flood emergency at any moment. Best get on with it before the rain comes then. In the early stages, the only electricity on offer was the lightning looming just outside the range that causes players to go off for 30 minutes, leaving boundary riders, fans, and the guy selling kebabs out of a van to fend for themselves if the ground cops a direct hit.

From my safe vantage point indoors, well away from any potential zotting from the sky, the most exciting bit about the early stages was a rampant start by emerging cult figure Aoife Horisk. She was in absolutely everything early, including one dance through traffic that looked like it was done by a native footy player, forward pressure on the last line that scared the bejesus out of a Footscray defender, and a lightning one-two handpass with Hanks to set up the opening goal.  

I have an unprovable theory (the best kind) that Aimee Mackin was going to be a star before injuries did her in, and by halfway through the first quarter, all emotional investment in that defunct project officially transferred to a new player. Have I mentioned how shit it will be when there's no room left to enjoy storylines like this because we're playing curtain-raisers against the Dogs at 10.50am inside an empty Docklands? Now, all this excitement means she'll probably never get a kick again, so sorry in advance, and no pressure to deliver against some very good teams in finals but I'm all in for what we'd call Horisk and Reward if her surname was pronounced as spelt. 

Also - already on the verge of toppling rent-a-player Tex Perkins' record for most goals in #33 if you're into that sort of thing. Speaking of records, the staff at Demonblog would like to congratulate Maggie Mahony for taking advantage of the conditions to set the Melbourne AFLW for the most free kicks given away in a single game. Her six offences (and if you account for the standard of AFLW umpiring, half of them probably weren't there, or she should've given away 12) snaps a five way tie stretching from Elise O'Dea in Round 6, 2019, to Tyla Hanks last year - and taking in Sinead Goldrick x2. And where else are you going to get this kind of obscure statistical news? Given that the league is young enough for records to regularly tumble, Champion Data should hit a big red button and cause a commotion on the telecast whenever something like this happens.

Chances to add a vital second goal before the storms came were spurned, but thanks to our usual stout defensive effort, a cavalcade of Footscray inside 50s came to nothing, before they finally sludged one through from close range. Even that started with them punting it straight at Gillard, who just missed what would've been her god-knows-how-manyth intercept mark of the year. As we got action footage of an AFL official working the phones to work out how likely it was that he'd be amongst the victims of a lightning strike, the locals nearly took the lead. Missing a 30m set shot from directly in front set the tone for their 'kicking as if pissed to the eyeballs' wastefulness in front of goal. And for that, we say thanks.

According to the commentators, lightning had been detected within range to halt the game, so I thought it was a bit convenient that the game got to quarter time without delay. But then everyone just came back after the break and got on with it, with no further mention of potential electrical carnage. This wasn't much help early in the second quarter, as the Dogs had all the play but still none of the finishing, before a counter-attack saw your new favourite Irish player set up Hore at close range (aided, to be fair, by the defender giving away a needless free). 

The former mystery neck injury victim missed, and ended the night with the wonky season record of 6.11, leaving the game on what you'd call - if going for the world cliche record - a knife edge. I didn't fancy losing under any circumstances due to the potential top four implications, but certainly not to a player ripping off Purcell's plastic face gimmick, and another called Gutnecht, who should be considered for a remake of The Man With The Golden Gun.

Unfortunately, the Kayo app won't let me take a screenshot, and I CBF watching the replay to capture it, so you'll just have to take my word for it that at this point it had started raining heavily again and we got a shot of a woman in the crowd forced to hold a jumper over her head because the bloke under the umbrella was stuffing his gob with a hot dog. Which is the sort of scenario we'll miss when games are taken away from glorified local parks.

The conditions ensured this wouldn't be the sort of game you'd put on the highlight reel for new fans, but if teams punting the ball from left to right and back again between the arcs is your thing, this would've been heaven. I'm not against it. The tension of a low scoring game that makes every goal crucial is underrated. But you're not going to remember it even remotely fondly without winning, and in a goalless second quarter we only led at half time courtesy of kicking six behinds to two.

A dud kick in defence nearly brought us undone at the start of the third quarter, but we survived thanks to a dropped mark. Despite the ball clearly coming off hands, the goal umpire definitely considered calling it a goal before sanity prevailed. I'd like to have seen how one of their "did you see anything? No, did you?" reviews would've handled that.

To the audible disgust of some home supporters, we got the second half opener instead after Hore matrixed out of a number of attempted tackles before setting up Bannan. The upset people failed to appreciate that part of the process of winning a holding the ball free is either sticking the tackle, or forcing an incorrect disposal. This was another good performance by Bannan, who did stuff all at the start of the season but is finding form at the right time. Unfortunately, by the time we'd conceded two behinds immediately from the next centre bounce, the value of her goal was reduced to four points. 

It should've turned into -1, because one of the misses saw a Footscray player blundering a kick off the ground through an unguarded square. Then Bannan returned for another courtesy of an opponent hanging off her like somebody ringing ye olde church bells. This was followed by one of her elite celebrations that we've missed so far this year.

So, everything seemed to be going well. Except you're never more than five minutes away from a Dees injury, and in quick succession we lost Goldrick (knee) and Heath-Barker (concussion). This didn't bode well for defending a lead in the last quarter after three quarters of sloshing around in slop. Under the circumstances, Gall's missed set shot would've made me feel a lot better about what was to follow. 

You shouldn't be scared of a team on 1.6 at the final change, but our 13 point lead didn't seem all that secure, considering how many good opportunities they'd blown to that point. There was another one featuring a player dithering for so long over a bouncing ball that Gillard was able to intervene, and what may have ended in the margin being reduced to single digits instead ended with Hore kicking a set shot at the other end. None of this happened without a lovely kick from Allen, who continues to look like one of the great draft thefts.

It was nearly time to relax (as best possible) when the Dogs finally got their second, via instinctive snap that didn't leave enough time to think about it before doing something stupid. The margin was only two goals, we had as many players out injured, and there was plenty of time left. Naturally, my shambles detector went off when the Dogs barged straight out of the centre, before returning to normal background levels when they ran into a Hanks smother. 

This was a good time for the old handy point, but almost ended up conceding the very much not handy goal, stopped only when they kicked the ball up a chimney from close range, allowing it to land safely with Bannan in the square. Still, good of the opposition to finally turn up while we were defending a lead while two players down. They charitably lost one as well, but were suddenly full of the joy of potential comeback.

It was time for the home crowd to blow up again when the umpire pointed the wrong way for a free, though they were noticeably less offended when Harris got away with being tripped straight after. But never fear, because this led straight to Horisk picking up a loose ball 40 metres out, wheeling around, and thumping it through for the moral sealer. It's not particularly helpful to compare players, but her performance in this game probably seals Pisano's fate. Hooray for the Irish takeaway program, where you can import somebody who does more in their third game at any level than a top draft pick has in three seasons. 

Thus followed more Horisk action, as she stormed towards goal, fumbled an attempted handball over the top, then ran right through the defender who was leaning down to gather the loose ball. If Dogs fans wanted to get upset over anything, it should've been not getting a free kick out of that.

And that was it. There was no moist mad minute revenge from the Bulldogs five years on from you-know-what, and for the 7th of 9 times since the league started, the oldest enemy was dismissed. No Hampson-Hardeman Cup for you, at least until a potential rematch in the finals.

2026 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Maeve Chaplin
4 - Olivia Purcell
3 - Jordyn Allen
2 - Alyssa Bannan
1 - Aoife Horisk

Apologies to Fitzsimon, Gillard, Hanks, Hore and Mahony

Leaderboard
It's on at the top, and in the much-sought-after defender award. Purcell draws to within a game of her joint 2022 Spring season Daisy winner in the race for the big one, and the Chaplin three-peat is now also very much on - except the club is calling her a midfielder, and we are expecting the committee to hear an eligibility challenge from the pro-Gillard faction this week. Meanwhile, even though we've now got a second Rising Star on the board, I'd like to see anyone chase down Allen in the remaining games, so we're upgrading her to provisional winner status.

36 - Tyla Hanks
32 - Olivia Purcell
--- Needs three finals ---
18 - Maeve Chaplin (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
16 - Tahlia Gillard
--- Needs four finals ---
12 - Kate Hore
--- Nah ---
9 - Jordyn Allen (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Rising Star Award), Mia Austin
8 - Ryleigh Wotherspoon
7 - Tayla Harris, Eliza McNamara
3 - Alyssa Bannan, Georgia Campbell (LEADER: Ruck of the Year), Megan Fitzsimon
1 - Shelley Heath-Barker, Aoife Horisk

Goal of the Week
Horisk scores nominations with her first two goals, which is the first time this has happened since [surely it has at some point, but I've got no time to look it up. I remember Sam Blease kicking a streak of funky goals early in his career before moving into real estate].

Next week
It's Sunday at Unley Oval, the only ground that sounds like the last sound you make before spewing. Adelaide is no longer a powerhouse, but if Hawthorn lose to the Eagles on Saturday they'll still be playing for a spot in the finals so there could be mass clenching of buttock here - especially if we're any half chance of slipping out of the eight because another game has ended 234-0.

The All-New W. Bradbury Plan
Best to win, because other results don't look likely to go our way. Nevertheless, get into a bit of: 

Footscray d. Geelong to potentially give us whatever benefits you get for finishing second instead of third - as long as the Dogs don't somehow gain 40%
Richmond d. North in a way that unexpectedly slices about 60% off their percentage
Brisbane d. Carlton
GWS d. Gold Coast
Freo d. Sydney - who also need to pick up an unrealistic chunk of percentage to challenge us.
Hawthorn d. West Coast to shut the gate on Adelaide's finals chances

And one large plate of fishheads for the other dead-rubber contests. 

Final thoughts
Yes. Good. Keep going. Even if by the time we win the flag the squad will look like survivors of the Siege of Stalingrad.

More like it

In a growing trend of farcical scenarios involving me and the AFLW premiership season, I thought the game started at 7.30, and fortunately tuned in slightly early to find we were already a goal up. Which, it goes without saying, is better than the alternative. Especially if you also have injury list nerves, and thought that this might be the night for the sort of zany upset we've avoided for several years. 

The absences of mystery neck region injury victims Austin and Hore shouldn't have spooked me so badly, but it did. This paranoia was the centrepiece of a rare in-depth all-male workplace W chat on Thursday, as I tried to convince Mr. Richmond Fanatic that they were every possible chance of keeping this interesting. Which I suppose was technically true, if you count playing victim to our third highest score. Despite that, I hope he wasn't cursing me in front of the TV for raising the prospect of a fiasco, because if you exclude sort of important elements like the score and the margin, Richmond weren't too bad. Call it a moral honourable loss if you want. 

We'll just have to be content with premiership points, guaranteed finals football, and ongoing participation in the surprisingly competitive race for a double chance. This lacked the savagery of some of our other big scores, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. At this stage of the season, a glorified training session against traffic cones wouldn't have done much good. Better to get a bit of a test before going nuclear. Buggered if I know what it means for the rest of the season, but it's exactly what was required after that blip against the Suns last week. New glamour club Gold Coast (a status that lasted one week) may have broken their duck against us, but the Tigers are now 0-5. And if they're lucky with the inefficient AFLW fixturing, they could avoid dropping into double figures until the mid 2030s.    

I tuned in to find us pressing heavily for a second goal, but my prediction of a potential mishap briefly looked like genius when Richmond got one via a close-range snap through traffic (which we clearly took offence to, piling on about nine replies from point-blank distance), and spent a few minutes looking like another one was just around the corner. After a few anaemic attempts at scoring, I was lightly shitting it about the end of an era (moan/whinge/panic) when they got a free kick 30 metres out. It just failed to carry the distance and was touched through, kicking off a pre-quarter time glory era that began with a bit of luck, with an attempted pass to a player on her own in the square going wrong, but bouncing through to Livingstone for goalsquare stuffage. This was followed by a strong mark and set shot from Gall, and another to Wotherspoon after the siren that made things look a shitload better than they had a few minutes previous.

We're all about long-term storytelling at Demonblog.com (even though that shortcut still doesn't work, and frankly I CBF following it up), so went all-in on the Tahlia Fellows quest for a possession after starting her MFC career empty-handed. We're pleased to announce that she rocketed up the leaderboard with eight disposals, and now sits just one shy of former Rent-A-Player option Sarah D'Arcy. The all-important opener came in the first quarter, and she nearly got onto one in the forward pocket at the start of the second that would've lifted the roof off in these parts. 

Instead, after conceding early, we steadied after a Mahony free, which was arguably already holding the ball before the tackle slipped high, but no arguments from me. The standard these umpires judged holding the ball by, you could probably have seven bounces, then run into a tackle and throw the ball up in the air while playfully yelling "wheee!" and they'd have called play-on. We were the major beneficiary of this lax application of the rules, but mainly due to having the ball more often. To be fair, one of the field umpires got something right when they denied an outbreak of FellowsMania after her second kick nearly cleared multiple defenders in comical fashion. The goal umpire was 100% going to pay it, before the AFLW review system of the field umpire asking, "Are you sure it wasn't touched?" convinced him to change the decision. And, in this case, fair enough, but is somebody sitting in the ARC office getting paid to eat chips while these games are on and the umpires are working it out between themselves? If not, how did we get dudded by that review at Casey earlier in the year?   

Another goal may have killed the game off right there, but our cause wasn't helped by Bannan dropping a mark in the forward pocket, then fumbling the loose ball over the line. A sour post-boundary crossing bump from her opponent caused a bit of light push and shove that briefly looked like going nuclear before dying out without any acts of wanton aggression. Nevertheless, this was Bannan's best game all year. Maybe it had something to do with Gall playing deeper in Austin's absence, but if you're going to peak this would be a good time of the year to do it.

Usually, you'd never trust a 21 point half time lead, but in this case I considered our win probability to be 'Pretty bloody likely'. That was upgraded to 'Almost certain' care of Gall kicking the first of the third quarter. Thanks to the defender who contributed with a clumsy attempt at a tackle that gave away the free at a range even a middle-aged fatty like me could convert from, if AFLMAF ever becomes a thing.

It soon became clear that the strain of having a whole-hearted but mostly pointless crack in the second quarter was as good as it was going to get for the Tiges. Speculation that they'd realised there was nothing left to play for was helped by Fitzsimon doing the most casual soccer of all time through the middle of two defenders, with added momentum from another shoving her towards the loose ball. I sensed my Richmond contact shaking his head in disappointment when a kick-in went straight down Wotherspoon's throat, and from an ensuing goalmouth melee, Bannan activated floodgate release with another bit of crumb.

To even things up a bit for the viewing audience, the community-minded Heath-Barker got done for a free, then stood up and gave away a 50/goal for pushing her opponent over. The Match Review Officer saw it as a strike, aided in part by the opponent going over like she'd stepped barefoot onto an ice rink, but should be content that SHB didn't have a flashback to her taekwondo days and kick someone in the head like a Street Fighter character. The goal lasted about 30 seconds before Bannan willed a loose ball towards goal and kicked another one from close range. Even allowing for sub-par opposition quality, this was the best we'd looked since the opening quarter against North.

The crumbstravaganza continued with Wotherspoon booting another through off the ground, and at this point Richmond may have thought about introducing a goalkeeper. They didn't, and the next goal came from Harris rolling one through the as per usual unguarded square. It didn't feel like we should be nine goals in front before three quarter time, but as usual we give thanks for supporting a team which might have the odd down week but almost always bounces back quickly. 

We nearly extended the lead to 60 when Harris marked just before the siren. The Channel 7 producer refused to acknowledge this and started playing Fatman Scoop (you know the song, there's only one), before realising they had to wait for her to take the shot and shutting it off well before Mr. Scoop's famous question, "Who fuckin' tonight?" Answer - collectively - the 'mons, despite Harris missing here.

This could have gotten very ugly if Richmond didn't dig in for some grim last quarter defence. There was no sign of our side going easy, despite the 10 page injury list. Richmond did kick the first goal, but it again lasted all of one centre bounce before being cancelled out. The ball-up was so low that Campbell basically just pushed it forward, then regathered, ending in a Wotherspoon snap. Referring to somebody as 'a spoon' was a second rate insult in the early 90s, now you would be honoured to be referred to as a Wotherspoon.

We tried to make Richmond feel better by conceding a goal after kicking straight to them inside 50. This time it survived us pelting straight towards our attacking end from the restart, before we activated ALL IRISH ACTION. Where were the Stereotype Dancers when Goldrick randomly turned up inside 50 to set up Horisk's first career goal. E for name, A for effort, F for excitement, as she was completely nonplussed at opening her account, despite being vigorously mobbed by teammates. There was a theory on commentary that Irish players don't get as excited by goals, because in Gaelic Football they have to immediately start defending again. Which sounds like cobblers, but is just wacky enough to be true. Horisk then followed up with one of the worst set shots of all time, somehow hitting the player on the mark's hand despite going over the boundary line at near right angles. They can't all be classics.

In a classic case of death by a thousand cuts, we were up to 13.9 with several minutes left, and an outside chance of challenging the 107 points kicked against a COVID-ravaged Freo side who were forced to call around for players hours before the match. Then Wotherspoon got another from close to goal, running onto a loose ball, refusing to acknowledge the player attempting to tackle, and bringing up a career best fourth goal. This caused the ground announcer to make noises like their appendix was about to burst. 

Wotherspoon almost got a fifth with a kick off the outside of her boot, which promoted it to our all-time scoring podium. There was one last chance to ton up via a free from the Richmond player losing the will to live and not being arsed even to fake attempting to dispose of the ball. It ended in no score and we had to be content with just 94 points. Richmond had been better than conceding a score like this - but get used to it with games against Gold Coast and North to finish the year. 

But who cares what happens to them (although a blockbuster upset win against either would come in handy thanks), with two games to play before finals, it's all about getting ready for the important stuff/spicy reunion with Mick Stinear and a Geelong team in top form. If teams can stop our top players, and good luck keeping Hanks and Purcell away from collecting bulk possessions, they may be able to take advantage of some wonky depth players at the other end of the side. But is it not the same for all the top sides? Maybe not North, the only two time defending premier with the room to wheel a former #1 into their side, but I'm keen to find out how much further we can push things in 2026 before collapsing under the weight of injuries.

Whether any of this is good enough to beat form teams like North, Geelong, and Gold Coast (?) will become clearer soon. I'm genuinely baffled as to whether we're a legitimate Premiership threat or just hoping for top contenders to brutally stack it in front of us. Would be good to win it on merit, but I'm prepared to settle for the 'take advantage of the misfortune of others' method if it means flag.

Whinging about the AFL corner
This week the idea of the season starting even earlier was floated in one of those transparent "soft launch it with a journo" scams, then the league started spruiking how the all-time attendance record has been SHATTERED with two rounds to play. Which you can read in conjunction as 'they're definitely going to do this'. For whatever benefits are expected (e.g. attendance records set thanks to double headers), it's probably going to be the end of our half-baked AFLW coverage. I don't know how much time these dickheads think we've got in our lives for footy, but I've barely got enough to fully invest in one game a week, much less two. Especially if one will be taking place while I'm in transit to the other. 

My preference would be to ring in guest writers (or, if you're absolutely mad for it - a single Demonblog AFLW correspondent. I'll even pay you 99% of the profits generated by this site and Demonwiki combined) and continue posting. At the very least I want to keep the votes going just for the historical record, but I'm just gloomy at the prospect of not being able to watch this team as closely. You write 'Melbourne' on something AFLish (-North -Port -South), and I'll follow it, but a man's got to know his limitations. I'd rather post nothing than be basing it off highlights, or the sort of semi-interested/distracted attention I give Casey games.  

So, let them do what they like and find out the hard way that there's nowt to be gained from burying the women's game even further down the coverage ladder. I'll be here to say "I told you so" when the already limited novelty of double-headers wears off, players get sick of being treated like the All New Reserves, and the competition still has a niche - let's call it 'cult' - following, but with TV figures so low that coverage gets outsourced to the Home Shopping Channel.

Alternatively, it might be a smashing success. Which I won't have to admit if no longer posting.

2026 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Ryleigh Wotherspoon
4 - Tyla Hanks
3 - Olivia Purcell
2 - Georgia Campbell
1 - Alyssa Bannan

Apologies to Allen, Fitzsimon, Harris, Chaplin, and Mahony

Leaderboard
No matter what Purcell does, the task of overhauling Hanks is becoming more difficult by the week. Thanks to guaranteed finals, there's hope for her yet, but with the utmost respect, it would be shite for us overall if Hanks stopped scoring now, so may they both go 5-4 for the rest of the season in whatever order until the big one is in the bank. The minor awards are still open, but Allen looks home in the Rising Star and I'd be surprised if any of the ruck options polled from here to cost Campbell her inaugural win in the category. Stand by for a Lauren Pearce miracle comeback after winning in nine of the previous 10 years.

36 - Tyla Hanks
28 - Olivia Purcell
--- Needs three finals ---
16 - Tahlia Gillard (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
13 - Maeve Chaplin
--- Needs three finals and neck relief ---
12 - Kate Hore
--- Probably not going to happen ---
9 - Mia Austin
8 - Ryleigh Wotherspoon
7 - Tayla Harris, Eliza McNamara
6 - Jordyn Allen (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
3 - Georgia Campbell (LEADER: Ruck of the Year), Megan Fitzsimon
1 - Alyssa Bannan, Shelley Heath-Barker

Goal of the Week
The Wotherspoon snap was good, but Horisk gets the encouragement award for not only recovering from a dropped mark to kick her first career goal, but then displaying world class stoicism immediately after.

Next week
It's off to the Western Oval, graveyard of late season ambitions in the early stages of this competition, to play the good/not great Footscray. It's one thing walloping perennial strugglers like Richmond, this will be the real test of our chances of doing something memorable in the finals. As Hore and Austin are still stuck in TBC injury list hell, I doubt they're coming back. Paxman was managed this week, so we assume she returns. Otherwise, there's not much more in the tank other than picking Pisano for a week, then dropping her again. This could go either way, and if it doesn't turn out well I'm going to jump to conclusions about our finals campaign ending quickly. 

The All-New W. Bradbury Plan
Named after Steven's cousin Wendy, who won the meat tray raffle because holders of the first three tickets had already gone home.

Fremantle d. Geelong in an unexpectedly MFC-free Zanker/Stinear reunion
Richmond d. Gold Coast (unlikely)
West Coast d. Sydney (only slightly more likely)
North d. Adelaide (Long term thinking. I'm prepared to concede top spot to try and ruin Adelaide's morale before we play them in the last game)
GWS d. Carlton

And who gives a rats on Port vs Collingwood, St Kilda vs Brisbane, or Hawthorn vs Essendon.

Final thoughts
Apologies to anyone who I falsely led into thinking this might be close. Never mind, there are close games to come. Just not involving Richmond.

Great Barrier Grief

The management of Demonblog regrets to announce that due to a Self-Inflicted Colossal Kockup (SICK), for the first time, a match review will not be based on thoughts collected live during the game. In the shambolic early years (before the radicalisation of 2007 set my course for the Unabomber Manifesto Era), the odd match was skipped entirely due to competing priorities, and there was that time Kayo fritzed out on delayed viewing and blew the result, but while there have been some really half-arse posts over the years, I've never seen the result first, then watched a replay and reported on it.

Your views may vary, but there was a very good reason why I intended to watch this game on a three hour delay. Insert flashback harp music here, but two decades ago when I had spare time and would've put my head in the oven if you'd told me I'd survive to my mid-40s only to end up living on the urban fringe, I enjoyed several tremendous seasons watching South Melbourne in the late NSL/early state league era. It was the exact opposite of how I view AFL spectating, where other fans are best avoided, the community around that club made it great. 

Eventually, life got in the way and I had to pick one winter pursuit (and it's only getting worse, even my MFC membership came out to about $125 per game attended this year), but when South made the Australia Cup final, I morally owed it to the people who have battled on for the last 20 years to watch that live and come back to the top eight grading game at a ground sponsored by a water feature later. I'd still watch as if live, our reporting commitments would be fulfilled for the nine people who care, and we'd get back to the normal schedule next week. 

After South won, in circumstances that made it the second most satisfying thing I've ever watched on TV after the 2021 Grand Final, and the joy on the faces of true believers I met 25 years ago had me on the verge of tears for the first time since the blessed 25/09/21, it was just after 11pm and I was finally ready to switch gears back to something more relaxing. 

God only knows why, after just watching 120+ minutes of sport on my television, I decided it was a good idea to start the replay on my phone, but picked it up, accidentally opened Twitter, and instead of showing my feed that hadn't been refreshed since before either game started, it showed the dreaded 'For You' list - which decided what I really wanted at that point was a big fuck off graphic saying:

And they're not done yet 😎 #AFLWSunsDees https://t.co/KPaMJEtYzl

— AFL Women's (@aflwomens) October 10, 2026

Not much room for misinterpretation there. So I knew we'd lost, and god bless anyone who has the commitment to knowingly watch the replay of a loss, but for me it's all about the thrill of the chase, so I wasn't going to do even the most brutal time-slicing viewing just to see whether it was close or not. I just went back down the feed, looked at the MFC posts, and saw that after recovering a slow start, the last three quarters involved slow deflation of balloon, and a comfortable defeat.

You could complain about having to play at novelty venues like Mackay, but given how much benefit we've had from the 'unique' conditions at Casey over the years, it's only fair to occasionally get tripped up by playing somewhere exotic. It's happened in Cairns and Darwin before, and we'll probably lose our first match against Tasmania at the site of the Beaconsfield mine disaster, but need not be fatal IF the last three matches of the season can be successfully navigated with an injury-riddled list that required Rent-A-Player to fill the emergencies.

We may have had an emergency Burn, but at least it was the same week that Hose came back. And quite frankly, if this wasn't my only opportunity ever to do that gag then I may not have written a post at all. But, just a few weeks after being talked about as the only hope of stopping a North three-peat, we're in danger of being finished off by injuries. Has a team ever lost three more important players to above-shoulder injuries? 

And if you think this post is phoned in, I draw your attention to a) none of the player photos coming through, giving everyone the 'we have no idea who you are' generic silhouette, b) no indication of whether Hore's mystery neck is equivalent to McNamara's shattered jaw, and c) tooltips on the right that do nothing when you hover over them. As flagged last week, before Austin suffered a random case of throatus explodus, we're not even certain of a top four finish. 

Our good friends at AFL(W) Live Ladders still predict second, but even taking the risk of assuming avoidance of disaster against Richmond next week, there are big fat danger games against Footscray and Adelaide to follow, and there's still a chance of finishing as low as 7th. This is potentially disastrous considering how the season started, but as AFLW still uses the traditional (e.g. good) top eight, it will give me the chance to reboot all my sour complaints about the men's competition wildcard. So not all bad news then.

To have any hope of getting back to where we were 18 minutes into the game against North, we need Austin and Hore back. We've got top end stars, but fishpond depth = death in this competition. I'm not judging Tahlia Fellows' first club game for obvious reasons, but one tackle in 40% of game time definitely qualifies as an inauspicious debut. She'd best go all out to get picked again, including pushing teammates down the stairs if required, because Hose's successful five touch return from injury leaves Fellows as the only MFCW player on zero career disposals. 

If there's any upside, it's that no disposals mean you can't go backwards, so Elise Strachan's 2017 record -10 career metres 'gained' is safe. We're pleased to report that at least one of her two disposals was via an intercept mark, in a close win, so I'll have her negative 10 over zero anything in a loss. It's our duty to follow the Fellows disposal storyline closely for the rest of the season, and we hope she bounces back to challenge her previous career best 11 as a Hawthorn player.

The good news is that I've got to this point without yet having seen anything other than a spoiler, a final score, and out-of-context player stats, and we've still covered more ground than half the matches this year. An emergency committee meeting has determined that the safest way to cover this match under the circumstances is to watch the AFL website mini match and comment on the highlight provided. If I don't throw the internet-connected device out a window when it crashes seven times. This doesn't play to my spectating strengths because it probably won't have any of the stuff that really excites me, like shit commentary or goal umpires copping a bouncing footy in the dick. Nevertheless, it's the best we'll get so here goes - 11 minutes, 36 seconds of carefully curated/created by AI highlights.

First quarter
* Regardless of whatever heartwarming story our pride jumper was telling, it looked shithouse. More fearless fashion analysis in the future.
* I know where it all went wrong - we did the 'win centre clearance, kick it straight to defender' move without even getting it inside 50.
* Suns got a point. NFI how, it just appeared in the next highlight. Fair enough not to include every pissy score in the extended highlights, but I'm already feeling out of the loop. But never mind that shit, because you knew exactly what was going to happen when the next one involved the Suns going forward. Then a player who later continued the great tradition of MFC facilitating Rising Star nominations took a mark, ran off without anyone noticing and kicked the opener. Never mind, plenty of time to get that back right?
* They have goal replays in the mini-match. Why?
* Mackay local Ryleigh Wotherspoon celebrates her homecoming by clotheslining an opponent in a tackle. Gets the free, comes up clutching shoulder, surprisingly isn't horrifically injured like the rest of the list. No score results.
* Next opposition goal features Brancatisano, who I'm sure we've previously discussed is the only AFL player yet to be drafted from my (adopted in 2019 at the last relocation of Demonblog Towers) local team and must've been THRILLED to find out she had to go to Casey for training. Mind you, now that I know where Mick Stinear was coming from, I've got less sympathy for anyone having to get to Cranbourne from this side of Port Phillip Bay. Goal kicked by Havana Harris, which is the most rock and roll/Grand Theft Auto: Vice City name in footy history.
* Sanity temporarily restored after Hanks mows down an opponent dithering in front of goal with a heat-seeking missile of a tackle.
* A special look at one of our behinds, as Mahony put the ball in front of Bannan, only for the second nearest player to my house ever drafted by the MFCW to get BAMBOOZLED by the bounce.
* But maybe the reason they included that was the dramatic foreshadowing of a Mahony/Bannan goal combination in the dying seconds? (Via a dropped Gold Coast mark in the middle). Enter Bannan for a terrific close-range, high-angle snap to put us back in front at quarter time. That didn't get a replay, but we did get to hear the Mackay siren - which appeared to have a lot more bass than the versions we're used to. Should've had one off a ship to continue the nautical theme.

Second Quarter
* Chaplin gets tackled by the future Rising Star. Not really worth including.
* The nautical theme does get a re-run, as we begin to sink without a trace by leaving a player in several regional electorates' worth of space inside 50. They nearly bugger it up with a handball over the top to a player in the square, but there's nobody close enough to take advantage of a fumble.
* Not great signs when the next highlight comes from a centre bounce won by the Suns, but we narrowly survive an attempt at kicking Goal of the Year from a bizarre angle. This player is called Dakota Baron, which is almost as good a name as Havana Harris. They should form a WWE tag team.
* If you didn't know the result of a game, watching it this way would be like playing Football Manager - when you never knew whether to trust the highlight if your team was attacking, but it was probably just to fool you about an upcoming lightning counter-attack. Like when we were going forward, only for Paxy to be clamped in another huge HTB tackle.
* Enter another quality name in Darcy Davis, via a pass from Sunny Lappin - who I would suggest just needs to adopt a more tropical sounding surname and can join in the finest collection of player names in Australian Rules football history. Darcy goals from an angle and the margin is only nine but this is starting to go tits up.
* This is confirmed with three consecutive marks to the Suns inside 50, another goal, and the sense that even though I know what's going to happen now, this was the point where I'd be mentally conceding defeat if watching live.
* Obviously NOTHING happened in the last five minutes of the half, because that's your lot for the second quarter highlights.

Third quarter
* I suppose 16 points should be gettable for a good team like Melbourne, but fat chance of coming back after the Suns' opener involved players freewheeling around the 50 doing whatever they wanted. If you take the view that Bannan is no longer primarily a forward, I don't think I've seen any of our attacking players in this video since the Wotherspoon decapitation tackle.
* Right on cue, there's a cameo appearance by Harris standing somewhere near an intercept mark
* GENUINE HIGHLIGHT ALERT - As Livingstone benefits from an opponent failing to pick the ball up cleanly, receives a neat tap-on from Ebert, storms the 50 and boots one from distance that couldn't have turned any better once it landed in the square. For all the players over the years who've been dudded by kicks landing on the line and bouncing sideways/backwards, this one arrives diagonally, landed, and tracked perfectly through the middle of the goal. Very enjoyable, no bloody help to the result.
* Especially when the next highlight was old mate Baron taking a reasonably simple mark at close range. If that qualified for the highlights, either she was going to kick the goal, miss horrifically, or get punched in the head straight after kicking. Alas it was option A, and Livingstone's goal survived about one minute.
* I got the Football Manager treatment when it showed the Suns pelting forward again, only to be rewarded with a Gillard intercept mark. But then the highlights played the Uno Reverse card, her kick missed the target, and the ball was scooped up for another Gold Coast major.
* The ground announcer appears to have used the line "another great goal by the Gold Coast Suns" every time they kicked one. This would've given me the shits if watching live, but in this format he gets cut off halfway every time.
* Campbell takes an intercept mark, and this time it's not just a way of tricking you before the opposition score again.
* Horisk gets caught in a perfectly normal holding the ball. The Irish embassy should write in and demand this be removed from the clip.
* Gold Coast start to feel sorry for us and give away a silly 50 to Campbell, just as she tries to handball to Hanks anyway. She kicks straight, the margin is back under four goals at three quarter time, and you just never know do you? Except in this case, you do. 

Fourth quarter
* With only 1.32 left in the video, and one goal each to be kicked, this should be a quick segment. The first one went - inevitably - to the Suns after Chaplin decked one of them in a tackle.
* So the good news is that the last thing we see should be a Melbourne goal. Alas no, as there's time to see a Suns player leg it down the wing at top speed before flubbing a handball
* But we get the real deal eventually, as Hanks puts through a goal that wouldn't be fair to describe as "rolled" though because you don't often see that much oomph put into a kick that bounces along the ground. She's the best, just needs to get some teammates back off the injured list.
* And, with 23 seconds left in the video, there's one more highlight and... oh piss off it's just the final siren.     

As I'm too lazy to look it up myself, does 6-93 to 61-39 represent the greatest turnaround in two matches between teams? I know the Suns have enjoyed a big academy player boost, but their current run is proof that you can turn a side around and don't have to be rock bottom slop for years on end. The youth of South East Queensland must be significantly outperforming the ones in [wherever GWS' zone is]. Meanwhile, we've got the wobbles a bit, so form a prayer circle and hope for an outbreak of good health or we could be in a bit of trouble here.

2026 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
If we'd won comfortably, I'd have been able to flat-out steal from the Coaches' Votes here. As none of our players got any of those, rankings were compiled as a consensus from various sources, and if you have any objections, please send evidence via the normal channels and we'll reconsider/delete without comment/fold like a house of cards.

5 - Tyla Hanks
4 - Olivia Purcell
3 - Tahlia Gillard (see, it's not just me)
2 - Maeve Chaplin (I mean, I could've just cherrypicked the sources, but no this is legit)
1 - Megan Fitzsimon

Apologies (based on the criteria applied) to Allen and Heath-Barker

Leaderboard
Let's put all this unpleasantness behind us and recognise that this is now almost certainly a two player race. The first elimination line is set at 20 points (3x home and away, 1x guaranteed final), but everyone below Purcell is just playing for bronze and/or one of the minor awards.

32 - Tyla Hanks
25 - Olivia Purcell
16 - Tahlia Gillard (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
13 - Maeve Chaplin
12 - Kate Hore
--- Needs two finals ---
9 - Mia Austin
7 - Tayla Harris, Eliza McNamara
--- Needs three finals ---
6 - Jordyn Allen (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
3 - Megan Fitzsimon, Ryleigh Wotherspoon
1 - Georgia Campbell (LEADER: Ruck of the Year), Shelley Heath-Barker

Goal of the Week
The Livingstone one may have been the only thing worth watching for. It seems cheap and nasty to say it when I first saw it on a Twitter highlight clip, but I think this was the best goal we've kicked this season. But I'm hoping somebody goes better, because it wouldn't feel right for this game to produce a winner. Apologies to the Bannan snap, and Hanks taking out her frustrations on a footy.

Next week
It's back to Friday at Princes Park, as we hope for a better result this time against a 4-5 Richmond. They've lost 4/4 against us over the years, but so had Gold Coast before the Mackay Massacre. But only one of them played us off a five game winning streak, at a funky regional venue, so you'd hope this will prove a steadier - unless half the list has to be replaced after suffering mid-week bizarre gardening accidents.

Final thoughts
Apologies for the shambles.

Slowly getting to the point

In a 12 game season with one team apparently still several miles ahead of anyone else, the remaining storylines at end of the season are pretty much a) teams playing for seedings #2 - #8, and b) can St Kilda go one better and score nil sometime in the next month.

Our job was to recover from the disappointment of caving in against North and do the obvious thing by beating a 17th placed side, who had just struggled to their first win of the year against one of the other dreck teams. Which happened, and was never seriously in doubt, but with injuries starting to cause problems, it was more procedural premiership point accrual than an inspirational sign of future finals glory. At the moment, that'll do nicely.

It was also an opportunity, at the second chance, to celebrate a 100 game milestone by winning. As a foundation player, Paxy would've beaten Kate Hore to triple figures if not for being concussed in that dog-related fiasco a couple of years ago, but unlike the captain it meant not risking the chance of being chaired off after losing to the greatest team in AFLW history. As long as we didn't proceed directly to banana skin and stack it against one of the naffer teams in a competition chockers with them. As we like to say in these parts (because it can only happen after winning), all's well that ends well.  

Whether deliberate or not, I enjoyed the random "kicking to the left of your radio dial" reference before the first bounce. It was also nice not to concede an inside 50 in the opening seconds for once. Or so I thought, because instead of the opposition just punting it straight to the Great Wall of Gillard, they instead launched an end-to-end counter-attack which nearly led to the opener.

Collingwood's team had something for fans of various MFC eras, with Rigoni and somebody called Trengove who keeps being called Trengrove. Meanwhile, to add to the confusion we had the debuting Aoife Horisk, who has two names not pronounced as spelt. The latest member of our AFLW Irish Experiment has plenty to learn after only playing the game for a few weeks, but can be pleased to have gotten out of her first game with a 100% disposal efficiency. Sure, five of the six were handballs, but go and round up some random Australian-born bozos on the street and see if they can hit 5/5 targets by hand. May she end up on the Blaithin Mackin plan of going from never playing the game to winning a flag in the space of a season.   

The opening minutes did not look like team with one win vs team with one loss, but the difference was eventually demonstrated when we went ping-ping-ping and found Austin in the square for the opener. She had three by half time, and while we've ripped Carlton off blind in AFLW trades before, this could be the record. Unless they draft two absolute rippers with the throwaway selections we gave up for Austin, this has turned out close to thievery. We'll ignore that the first might not have happened if the pursuing defender's attempted tackle had been better, Austin has been more than good enough to compensate for Eden Zanker's departure.  

While that goal was the MFCW you know and love, it sadly didn't rip the floodgates off their hinges. Indeed, we were lucky not to concede immediately after, courtesy of a dropped mark while standing in miles of space. Which was helpful. But once again, we went from being unnecessarily on the back foot to having a shot at goal. Gall missed, but in the interest of scenario training, it was nice to try a slow and steady start to the game rather than going three goals up before imploding. 

Collingwood did well to keep us to one goal, but had to dodge double late drama to keep it that way. First, Harris missed a shot that she'd usually eat for breakfast, then Gall had another shot after the siren (assisted by gratuitous shoving of opponent before the mark) but barely snuck a rancid set shot in for a point. It was not ideal, but in the week where a side was 0.0.0 until the dying seconds of their game, let's reflect about how good we've had it over the years. It would be rude to complain about the occasional flatter than the proverbial quarter.

Meanwhile, there was some really odd stuff going on in the background at Victoria Park. In the first half, you could hear somebody who sounded like they were speaking through an old tyme walkie talkie. Later, there was a random clanging sound like somebody furiously slamming metal gates shut. This is the sort of 'anything could happen' atmosphere that you only get at suburban grounds. Another random AFLW element is the mysterious goal review system - which appears to have been turned on once this season before being replaced with the old school method of umpires conferring before coming up with a decision that could've easily been made by one person. In this case, it denied the Pies a goal from a toe-poke on the line, so in this case we say thank you very much.

We were the better side, but attacks were continually dying miserably on the half-forward line. In the injury-enforced absence of Kate Hore, mystery neck injury victim, it was Tyla Hanks' turn to do the old "get out of the way and leave it to the superstars" move, and snap the second. Considering their lowly status, Collingwood had been better value than three points to halfway through the quarter, and finally got one to keep it too interesting for my liking. Which was immediately cancelled out via Austin, who appeared for her third not long after, and from being surplus to requirements at Carlton, she is now firmly in the running for Hore's record of 24 goals in a season.

There were more chances left on the table in the last minute, but considering things were feeling a bit unpleasant after Collingwood's first, 19 points was a reasonable lead. In a third quarter short on highlights, I liked when the umpire whistled for a mark the moment the ball hit a Collingwood player's hands, leading to an awkward scenario when it was dropped, and everyone just played on as if the whistle had never gone.

At the third attempt, Gall converted a set shot, but unfortunately, this provoked Collingwood's second. 17 points felt more secure here than - just a random example, at the end of a men's Grand Final - but it was still important to put down any thoughts of a rebellion. They nearly got the next one too, and were getting on top around the ground, which was worrying for both this game, and our future as the second best team in the league. We were in the unusual situation of needing a steadier against a team on 2.7, and after doing more defending than seemed necessary, another chance to goal after the siren was incinerated by Bannan shanking bejesus out of the ball while looking for extra distance, and the door remained slightly open for something farcical to happen in the last term.

Under the circumstances, the last thing we needed was to concede at the start of the last quarter. Then, the otherwise very good Fitzsimon got caught in a tackle which involved her flying in the air like a slapstick comedy. Thankfully, the shot missed, and we survived another attack that reached the last line of defence. Sanity began to be restored by Harris taking a mark amongst several players on the wing, which sent the ball down our end for a few minutes, and appropriately ended with Harris reappearing to kick the decisive goal, after a pass from your friend and mine (but not Carlton's) Austin.

The team that looked vaguely threatening at 2.7 ended on 2.9, but they did have plenty of chances. I liked the one where the player thought she'd try and bump Gillard out of the way, and ended up flat on the ground, looking up at what turned out to be an uncontested mark. We didn't pile it on at the end, and there was a near milestone moment when Paxman had a shot in the last 30 seconds. Alas it missed, but at the presumed tail-end of a great career, I'm prepared to accept with any sort of Paxy content on offer.

This was not a perfect performance, but at this stage of the season it doesn't need to be. Just one more important step towards a top four finish - and let's be honest, top three is preferable to avoid you know who. The rest of the year is almost pointless (just like St Kilda). Any danger of a COVID-style immediate progression to the finals?  

2026 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Tyla Hanks
4 - Olivia Purcell
3 - Mia Austin
2 - Megan Fitzsimon
1 - Tayla Harris

Apologies to Chaplin, Gillard, Paxman and Wotherspoon.

Leaderboard
The brief moment where it seemed defenders were ready to launch a surprise challenge has passed, and it's become a battle of two. I can't see Hanks losing from here if she stays fit, but other players may feel free to launch a challenge. The ongoing success of the top also heralds the arrival of our famous line of elimination. We'll include at least one final in the calculations for now. 

27 - Tyla Hanks
21 - Olivia Purcell
13 - Tahlia Gillard (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
12 - Kate Hore
11 - Maeve Chaplin
9 - Mia Austin
7 - Tayla Harris, Eliza McNamara
6 - Jordyn Allen (LEADER: Rising Star Award), 
3 - Ryleigh Wotherspoon
--- Needs two finals ---
2 - Megan Fitzsimon
1 - Georgia Campbell (LEADER: Ruck of the Year), Shelley Heath-Barker

Goal of the Week
It's an other round of Thanks Hanks. 

Next week
Last year Gold Coast become one of the many interstate teams to fail the 'Survive Casey Fields Challenge', kicking 0.6 and losing by 87 points. But let's not hold that against them, because they've turned out to be half decent this year. With six wins in a row, a reasonable percentage, and live hopes of a top four finish, they've got all the motivation required to make a statement by doing us over in a 'sure, why not?' fixture at Great Barrier Reef Arena in Mackay. Will they? I wouldn't rule it out based on our last seven quarters and lengthy injury list. And how much does a fancy bit of ocean have to pay to get naming rights for a stadium?  

Regardless of the novelty venue, we should win, but after North's adventures in regional Queensland don't bet a vital organ on it. And if we don't, things could start to look a bit ropey. A thumping percentage, and a season ending with games against the current 11th, 6th and 12th placed teams should ensure a top four finish regardless but there's a massive logjam of teams from 2nd to 7th so everything's on the line, including having to play bloody North again in the first final. It goes without saying that the safest option is to keep on winning.  

Final thoughts
Despite being second on the ladder 75% through the home and away season I'd be baffled if we won the flag from here, but very much willing to have a crack at it.

Record winning streak bid falls marginally short

For top events of September 25, good luck ever beating the greatest day in the history of human civilisation, but five years on from that blessed event I was prepared to slot an All Stars South d. All Stars North result somewhere beneath it on the list of memorable moments. And for the first quarter that looked like a live possibility, before normal service resumed with a vengeance.

With the big game feeling already deflated due to North's unexpected loss last week, and COVID-era flu chaos during the week offering them a handy excuse to go back-to-back, you could have been excused for thinking big at three goals to zilch in the first quarter. But we've seen this before, in our very last start against the same opposition, on the same ground. This time it only (?) ended with a generic midseason loss, but at least that day the hot start kept the game alive until deep into the last quarter. This was like ye old luxury ship suddenly meets iceberg.

This page is practically a Chaplin/Gillard fan site now, so I'm pleased to say that North got things off to the traditional start by punting their first inside 50 directly to the latter. Not for the first time in recent weeks, the problem was clearing the ball without it flinging straight back towards the backline for another go. Enter three minutes of North piling on pressure for no reward, before counter-attack gold when, on our first time across halfway, Harris plonked a kick to Fitzsimon's advantage for the opener. She almost went back-to-back, but was foiled by last-gasp intervention from still-reigning 'Last MFC ex to win a flag' Libby Birch, who played with enough strapping on her leg to get a bonus job playing movie extra 'Air Disaster Survivor #6' on the way home.

Now, it was our chance to pin the ball in attack for a while without reward, but though nothing initially came of it, I'd like to draw your attention to a kick from Hanks to Mahony that would adequately be described as 'laser-like'. North filched our move of scoring at the first successful escape from defence, aided by a downfield free against Bannan that I deemed a bit pissweak. It missed, before Chaplin made a goal-line save to add further weight to her case to be named the most entertaining defender on the face of God's green earth.

If you're the one person at AFL headquarters who actually cares how this league does, you might have been disappointed that it wasn't the sort of free-scoring game as when shit teams are involved. I say, if you didn't appreciate the desperate defence at both ends of the ground you're a bum. That was, if you were watching in the first place. Not that I helped by watching from home, but the crowd of 3105 was absolutely dire for a fixture of this magnitude, so god knows what the TV audience was like, or how depressed Channel 7 executives were at having to spend money broadcasting it. Meanwhile, I like to think somebody caved their TV in when Kate Hore's brother-in-law was seen wearing Dees-related merch in the crowd.

In a turn of events visible from several galaxies away, attention was largely diverted to a certain game being played the following day. Maybe that didn't matter and this is just where the competition is at, but keep all this in mind when the AFL try to pretend everything's going well based on rorted attendance averages inflated by double headers.

Anyway, enough of the semi-regular misery session about the state of the competition (especially because I have no decent suggestions to offer on fixing it), we were busy building a house of cards lead. The second goal came from set shot mastermind Austin, after a free against North for cracking the shits at an umpire. There's a rule you forgot existed. Like suspensions for belting somebody in the guts.

When the ball ended up at their end late in the quarter, I thought we were going to activate footy's original '[X] Time' gimmick and concede in the last 90 seconds. Instead, there was a tremendous end-to-end move that wound up with Pisano setting up the Kate Hore 100 game celebration with a lovely kick. For a top draft pick, successive administrations have had little faith in Pisano, and she barely touched it again for the rest of the game, but they should be showing her that pass on repeat Clockwork Orange-style this week. The talent is there, she's got to release the beast eventually.

We'd played a great first quarter, but buggered if I was getting overexcited about a three goal lead against North at Princes Park after last time. Four was the minimum to start thinking big, but the opening minutes of the second quarter featured bulk inside 50s for zero goals. Whatever version of the plague North had they looked rattled, but it turned out to be the biggest rope-a-dope since Ali in Zaire. You'd have been forgiven for thinking that their laboured first goal, which nearly went wrong multiple times and only narrowly avoided being kicked straight into Gillard, was another example of their imminent demise. Spoiler - it was not.

If you're into voodoo concepts like luck, momentum swings, and expected score, everything went wrong when Livingstone was pinged for a kick off the ground going straight over the boundary line. The subsequent free was seemingly booted out on the full, but recalled for a boundary throw-in because the ball had never entered the field of play before it was kicked. The AFL has changed every other rule under the sun, how have they not got to this one? If you can't successfully put the ball back into play, it should be considered as good as OOF and result in a free the other way.

Worse than prompting philosophical discussion about the rules, this soon turned into North's second goal and my 'no excitement' policy was looking prudent. Our problem was that the goals had come from 2x turnover and 1x telling the umpire to GAGF, but whenever they had time to set up the defence it resulted in kicking to a rotating clump of defenders, with nobody looking remotely likely to pull down the sort of big marks required to get away with that. We had seven marks inside 50, and the only contested ones were after the game was shot. There was also no crumb, and you know what happened next.

In a confirmed case of 'Can't play [insert list of the shit teams here] every week', North hit the front. I'm all for players wearing #60, but not when they're setting up teammates 20 metres out directly in front. This goal was followed by post-goal celebrations that looked like drunken school mums trying to copy something they'd seen on TikTok. There were no such shenanigans after their next goal, which proved how much things were turning in their favour by coming as the replacement for an injured player appearing on her own (and a half-volley off Campbell's shin), and finding teammates in attack with so much free space that they would've needed to communicate via semaphore. 

There was a near miss from another shot right on the siren, and like the Prelim all over again, you suspected that once North turned up we couldn't maintain the early rage. Half time failed to arrest the declining trajectory of the game, and we soon allowed a player who'd just kicked OOF to have a second shot where lessons were successfully learnt. Austin missed a shot (NB: not an easy one, to be fair) to bring the margin back to single figures, and I was pining for more goals after opposition players told the umpire to FO. Later, there was a free for calling a decision 'bullshit', but by then we'd been sapped of any will to live and kicked it straight to a defender.

Any sort of luck was welcome at this stage, but even the great Chaplin was in a bit of disarray. First she finished a patient build-up with a perfect pass to a North player, then gave away a shizen free kick, and dropped a mark that led to North's six in a row. When you're grouse 97% of the time, who am I to complain about the remainder?

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, injury drama broke out as we cut to Heath-Barker on the bench having her leg strapped up like Tutenkamen. She was visibly upset, so the natural reaction was to keep the camera on her for as long as possible, then replay the footage at three quarter time. None of this was ideal. Meanwhile, Gillard was having the Steven May '23-'24 finals experience of doing absolutely everything possible to keep the side in the game, only to watch chances galore go down the drain at the other end.

After nearly killing the Irish dancers during the male version of Jim's Game, we hadn't kicked a goal since the first quarter, and they spent half the night doing bugger all on public holiday rates. I'd given up hope of a famous win, but just wanted to keep it interesting for as long as possible, but it was clearly not our night. Even when Harris fended an opponent into an alternate dimension, the follow-up kick went nowhere. Then, when the captain put a kick to the advantage of two players in goalscoring range, they both stood back, said "you first", and watched it bounce past. Surprise third-party candidate Bannan was next in line but couldn't do anything with it either. 

The dancers remained literally unmoved as Livingstone took a nice mark, then opted not to extend her #40 goals record by handing off to Harris... whose kick didn't make the distance. To use the technical term, this was officially 'shithouse', and that was before North kicked the sealer. Still nothing for the dancers to do. I hope they were keeping warm, just in case we got onto a surprise junk time goal and there was hammy carnage. Everyone else has sued the club this year, why not the cast of Riverdance too?

We should've got our money's worth by making them dance when North started scoring left, right, and centre down the other end. This was a setback, but I don't blame our players for sticking cue in rack so violently it ripped off the wall. There's plenty more important work to be done this season - no point dying for a lost cause. The big jig finally broke out again thanks to two consolation goals for Austin, and there was enough of a delay after the first that I think they may have had to run back from the bar after the mark was taken.

The result was long decided, but the final insult was the player who'd previously kicked 1.8 this year picking now to start kicking straight. May as well have sent mattress leg Birch (112 games, 1 goal) to full forward while they were at it. Luckily I hung on until the siren out of obligation to see the aforementioned wayward kicker indulge in a bit of VIGOROUS CHAT with Gillard after the siren. Tahlia was fighting with the wrong side, after giving maximum effort to keep us in the game while under constant barrage, she should've been berating her own teammates instead.

So, it's RIP winning streak and The Big Six has turned into Big Stuff All. I hated 75% of it, but if we have to live in a world where North are practically unbeatable, what better motivation is required for the last five rounds and finals than getting another shot at them when it really counts. Maybe next time we could concede the first three goals and see if that helps.  

2026 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Tahlia Gillard
4 - Tyla Hanks
3 - Kate Hore
2 - Mia Austin
1 - Olivia Purcell

Apologies to Allen, Ebert, Fitzsimon and Harris

Leaderboard
Vital breathing space for Hanks, as we're getting close to the 'needs finals' elimination line starting to eliminate anyone who hasn't polled yet. Last week's prediction that the defender race would prove the spiciest award contest in football was moderately debunked by Gillard going BOG here, but the gap is still close enough to keep it interesting.

22 - Tyla Hanks
17 - Olivia Purcell
13 - Tahlia Gillard (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
12 - Kate Hore
11 - Maeve Chaplin
7 - Eliza McNamara
6 - Mia Austin, Jordyn Allen (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Tayla Harris
3 - Ryleigh Wotherspoon
1 - Georgia Campbell (LEADER: Ruck of the Year), Shelley Heath-Barker

Goal of the Week
They were all reasonably dull, so the joint encouragement award goes to Hore's set shot and Pisano's kick to set it up.

Next week
Unless injuries and post-defeat demoralisation have a crazy effect, you'd hope that Collingwood aren't going to take inspiration from finally winning a game in Round 6. Here's to them doing the honourable thing and standing aside so that we may continue to offer some form of resistance against RoboNorth. Lucky this wasn't Hore's 100th, or Corey's brother wearing Melbourne merch would've gone down poorly with two sets of fans. 

Final thoughts