Brisbane runs afoul of an Irishman

There are plenty of things middle-aged men should avoid, and near the top of the list is pissbolting across a train station carpark and up a reasonably steep staircase to heroically leap onboard at the last minute because you've failed at timekeeping/failed to appreciate how packed the carpark would be due to free travel.

The result of this foolish attempt at acting young was a slips, trips, and falls near miss at the top step when my thigh nearly gave in, and once the elation of pulling off the big run subsided, 45 minutes of feeling like I was going to barf on the train. I bet this never happens to Harry Sharp.

It was not a pleasant feeling, and halfway through the trip I was sweating like Iggy Pop and ready to concede defeat. But, in the spirit of anybody vs Carlton 2026, I decided a last-ditch comeback was possible and carried on, with fellow commuters probably thinking I was a junkie suffering heavy gear withdrawal. The only way this Almost Amusing Personal Anecdote pays off is that if I'd pulled the pin like Melbourne at the end of a first half, I'd have cost myself the live view of a particularly memorable win. Not just holding on in a thriller or rumbling the 2x defending premiers, but most importantly, a return to winning thrillers after nine straight losses in games decided by less than 10 points. Probably a bit risky considering my fragile and elderly condition, but I'd have died happy.

Thanks to certain off-field changes, branding a game 'Craic In At The 'G' wasn't as risky as it might have been in the past. Same with having free entry for Irish and British passport holders, when in the past somebody would probably have turned up with an Ulster Volunteer Force flag and been kicked to death in the stands. Then, just when you thought partition-related entertainment would've been off the agenda, there was a half-time segment called 'Split The G'. Lucky the MCG doesn't have a branch of John Bull's Fish & Chips.

I didn't expect to win, because why would you after that slopfest last week, but at least there was something for those of us who moaned non-stop about a lack of innovation last year. Xavier Taylor debuted and looks like an excitingly angry player, Max Heath came in to draw level with Wayne Henwood for total MFC games played by somebody called 'Moose', while injury drama forced left-field manoeuvres like Fritsch on a wing and Langdon as the new Salem. As with any positional changes, let's see what happens when other teams are expecting it, but the Langdon one was very good. I thought it was his best game in ages.

If, like me, you thought we'd give a decent account of ourselves but lack the polish to rumble a proven good visiting Queensland team, Brisbane's first goal was right up your alley. We were going forward at a million miles an hour, looking for all the world like waltzing into the forward 50, when a Laurie/Langford handball/receive disaster jammed the brakes on, and ended up with Brisbane kicking the first. Langford took this early disappointment personally and went on to play a belter of a game. Almost as good as the one against Hawthorn last year, but this time with the bonus of contributing to a win.  

The Lang march (that's content specifically for the thousands of Chairman Mao fans who read) started when he kicked the reply. It started with the returning Jefferson taking a mark way down the ground, and came via Mihocek playing the role so badly missed in our forward line over the last couple of years by bringing the ball to ground in a marking contest. We still regularly punted the ball straight down Harris Andrews' gullet, but any interruptions to his Iron Dome intercepts were appreciated.

The crowd wasn't yet going off its collective tit for the post-goal Irish music and dancing, but even though it was played at 5x volume to the post-goal songs I didn't mind it as a one-off. At least this had a purpose, unlike [Player X's] favourite song being Slice Of Heaven. It worked for the occasion, but let's hope the club's key takeaway isn't "people love noisy entertainment, let's have more of it". 

Audience participation is not my go, so I was more excited by the reaction to the next goal, which started with the lesser of Pickett (L)'s goal assist passes, and ended with Sharp joyfully grabbing at the MFC jumper in 'FO Brisbane' fashion. If one of our exes did that, I'd complain about his lack of gratitude towards the team that gave him his chance in the AFL. But because he plays for us, and looks more like the singer of an 80s pop band every week, I'm into it. Brisbane's reaction was probably, "enjoy that, we've just won two flags". And rightly so.

The good times ended for a bit when Petty did one of those "look left, look right, kick it straight to an opposition player" defender cock-ups that always go down so badly. What will be forgotten, especially considering what happened later, is that he was really good between this moment and going down with surprise concussion late in the third quarter. But after a brief moment of "well, that's us done for the day" by cowards like me, there was life in the Sunday 3.15pm specialists yet. Just as I was internally defaming JVR for not getting to contests, he pulled down a big pack mark for his first.

Then Jefferson marked with further opportunities to put the wind up the Lions and... missed everything. He had a Petty-esque forward game, where all the good work was done up the ground rather than within scoring range. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you've got other forwards who can convert. Petty's 2025 campaign would have gone down a lot better if he'd been kicking into an attack that didn't consist of van Rooyen and thin air. This year, the literal void has been filled by Mihocek, who continues to make you ask how we expected to get away without an experienced key forward post-Ben Brown.

The ongoing downside to the new, improved, interesting Melbourne is that if we don't kick a goal or keep the ball at our end it's usually at the other a few seconds later, and after Jefferson missed the lot Brisbane got a late goal just to dampen down expectations a bit. This was all still very good, and it was happening without the usual aerial dominance of Gawn, who was more important at ground level for once, and couldn't do most of his usual centre bounce tricks and mid-air plucks against him previously from Essendon (who I had NFI was now with the Lions). 

The last time Gawn took zero marks in a win was 2018, when we beat Adelaide by 91 and Don Pyke went bonkers. I suppose we didn't need much getting out of jail against opposition in traffic cone mode. This was a completely different situation, where he was always in the right place and we were kicking it in his direction, but Brisbane had worked out that it was more sensible to spoil than try winning a marking contest. I suspect most coaches know that, they just don't have the players to pull it off, so it'll be back to Inspector Gadget-style arm extension and mark plucking before long. 

With the usual musical program suspended, I enjoyed the brief snippet of You Keep It All In by The Beautiful South at quarter time. God knows why an obscure (in this country anyway) 1989 song that includes the lyrics "When all I wanted to do was knife you in the heart" made it onto the MCG playlist, but it didn't last long before somebody realised it wasn't focused group approved and switched back to Highway To Hell. I hate the MCC for closing stands to save money, but I appreciated this and will be very much fan engaged if they keep playing bits of offbeat British songs from that period before going back to the usual tunes. Maybe it was a subliminal hint to our forwards to stop the ball escaping so easily?

Putting Heath in the ruck to start the second quarter was either a good start on developing somebody for the post-Gawn era, or a reaction to Andrews getting in the way of so many forward kicks. Like every other tricky move we've tried with our rucks since Luke Jackson legged it, this didn't work. The great Gawn was having enough trouble with the Brisbane rucks, so a fifth gamer couldn't be expected to do any better, and in the few minutes of this setup we barely got the ball forward to find out if Max would cause aerial nuisance. It wasn't a great debut, and from the opposite end of the ground I didn't realise he'd missed a chance at goal from the square, but we didn't get him in for short-term gain so let's have him break the Moose games record and see what happens. Also, if Sharp is the singer of an 80s band, I see Heath as the drummer.

After a busy first quarter, the dancers were given a break as we only kicked one goal. At the other end, the umpire missed van Rooyen being felt up by somebody with the sick name Zane Zakostelsky, only started paying attention when JVR counter grabbed him, guessed about the free kick, and sent the ball the other way for a goal. Otherwise, we were holding things together well before Brisbane adopted the Essendon plan of banging on three at the end of a half when we'd mentally gone for an early break. The last one was particularly egregious, involving a cross from the pocket to a ruckman standing on his own in the square.

I appreciated the way we were playing, but was preparing the old "you can't win games by kicking 8.8.56" whinge. Especially this year, when the higher scoring in opening rounds is holding up better than most seasons. Over a quarter of the way through (let's not think beyond the home and away season just yet) we're averaging 95 points a game. Which is nice. I don't want to check the average score against. We'll just put that down as the price of doing business in the 2026 AFL. Meanwhile, I don't hate the last touch disposal rule as much as I'd expected, but stopping the game for a few seconds at a time to do reviews is comical - all just because one team got dudded halfway through the last quarter of a game when there was still 10 minutes for them to win it properly. 

So, it looked like 'no Jake Melksham, no exciting wins against Brisbane', but just when you thought we'd carked it, the third quarter was an event. Seven goals, fans doing such vigorous jigging in the stands that it felt like they were about to collapse, and a reminder that after last week's shitshow there's still plenty to like about this team. It started with a fun free kick against, as Howes realised he was no chance of stopping his opponent marking so instead went for the most non-violent front on contact/arm choppage possible. I'd like to think this contributed to the shot from the free kick missing. 

Then, we went nuts on and off-field. By the time Steele put us back in front, the Irish jig was going right off. It helped to be kicking goals out the relative yin yang against a top team. The "where were you in '23" Mihocek tour continued with a lovely set shot, then an assist for the newly reforwarded Fritsch, whose play on from close range could have gone horribly wrong. We haven't seen this much fiddling around the AFL since (don't mention Lachie Neale's offseason - legal editor), Brisbane's trip to Las Vegas (well, that's a bit less specific). To encompass the full range of Irish cultural experiences, next year's dancing should be conducted under Fr. Noel Furlong rules:

Brisbane fans later had a teary about umpiring (as if their side won't come back to win a flag on the same ground in a few months), but a 50 to Fritsch for one of the goals was a masterclass in a player hoodwinking his way to success by making the most of contact. You'd set the seats on fire if we conceded a 50 in the same circumstances, but I'm not going to turn it down if they're offering.

We reached the last two minutes two goals up courtesy of Pickett (L) turning up to save us in defence, before the traditional weird Harrison Petty incident in a game against Brisbane. He marked on the last line of defence, shinned the ball straight to a Brisbane player, and before the guy sitting next to me (yes, it does happen voluntarily sometimes) had finished trying to drop him, the game was being stopped for Petty to depart with a mystery injury. 

I thought he must've been off-balance from the shanky kick and been hurt when landing, but then he walked off with trainers looking closer to chundering than me on the way to the game. On the replay he was rooted as soon as the ball came off the boot, and nobody has yet worked out where it came from. I bet Xavier Taylor didn't think his first game would involve looking after a teammate having a medical episode. 

Because the AFL and common sense are strangers, instead of taking the fastest route off the ground and down the race, he had to walk all the way to the bench, just to go back to about 20 metres from where he'd been standing in the first place. What about the Enemy At The Gates level long distance sniper job on Carlton at the end of this clip when they ask how good it was to see his teammates looking after him?

Speaking of concussions, by the time you read this Pickett might have been done for a bump that propelled a Brisbane player into Mihocek and caused concussion. After Western Australia nearly seceded when Melksham got away with the Buckets McGovern incident, so I bet they rub Pickett out to make a point. Then we'll lose the challenge because he'll be held liable for not using the 0.01 seconds available to consider that there was another player for the bumpee to rebound into.

Previous fourth quarter performances this year (let's just agree that Essendon didn't happen) suggested we'd give good value for our slender three quarter time lead, but after recent history of losing our mind at the end of close games I didn't fancy a thriller. Until we won, when it was confirmed retrospectively enjoyable. It didn't look good when our lead was wiped out within a minute, then we almost conceded again via a ludicrous series of turnovers which started with Windsor mistaking Gawn's "don't kick it to me" by kicking it to him, before Brisbane did their own horror turnover, which we reacted to by giving the ball straight back. Irish music off, circus music on. 

The farce level went up when their shot on goal fell short and was marked on the line for a quick play on and goal. Except it wasn't, because we had to wait for the review on whether he'd actually marked it. This was seriously cited by one Brisbane fan as an example of how badly they'd had it. What do they think is supposed to happen, you get to play on after what might not have been a mark and we'll just hold a retrospective video review? I'll take someone arguing this in the heat of the moment, but if you still think this a day later feel free to remove yourself from mainland Australia. It was a mark, and instead of kicking it from an angle in the pocket that hasn't troubled AFL players for years, Mr. X kicked backwards to somebody standing on his own... who missed the set shot. 

Their mood can't have been helped by us going the other way for Chandler to kick off the greatest five minutes of his career with some old school spelunking through traffic that ended in JVR discovering the best method for dealing with Harris Andrews' interceptions. Take a running start, jump high, stick knee into head and pull down a screamer. 

Then Chandler fever continued with him kicking the next two goals - one from a handy snap, and the other from a wonderful set shot. Even footy players who are just there for the money enjoy kicking goals, but he plays with an obvious actual enjoyment of the game that is very endearing and I'll miss if he does a free agency runner at the end of the year. He's now kicked three goals in a game eight times, and I put it to the experts - what's the record number of times a player's career best has been the same tally? I'll get you started with 18 - Fred Fanning (once).

The lead was now 15 points, but with more than enough time for a massive cock-up. We'd been threatening to give back goals out of the middle all day and finally did it after Chandler's second. Then JVR got on the end of a genius Pickett (L) squaring pass to restore a workable gap. More goal for goal action followed, including one where Langford was blocked when faced with a two-on-one in the square. I'll admit this was a bit soft but also completely unnecessary when Brisbane had the advantage.

This is where it all got a bit frightening. Would've been a nice time for a centre clearance, but instead Brisbane got a quick reply. We were still nine points in front so... oh Charlie Cameron's just cannoned out of the middle for Goal of the Year. That made it three points the difference with four minutes left and you can imagine what I was thinking when they lined up a set shot not long after. Go the full alleged Zac Butters about umpires all you want, but if this went through nobody would be compiling bullet point lists of alleged sinister decisions.

The last two minutes video is presented by Omo, and their services were nearly needed, because if we'd somehow conspired to lose from this spot I'd have metaphorically and possibly literally bled from every orifice. 

The highlight is obviously Gawn doing this, before Steele followed through (not in an Omo requiring sense) and pushed whichever Ashcroft over Max in the same way as when one kid crouches down and the other sends somebody plummeting over them. 

It would have been even better if we hadn't got the ball forward then all died en masse and left the Lions travelling in convoy towards goal. God bless Howes for interrupting a one-on-one marking contest in legal fashion this time, and Tholstrup for landing a clearing pass on Sparrow despite being flattened mid-kick. 

At this point I'd like to tell everyone who wants the five minute warning back to get stuffed. I don't need any more excitement in my life, and without access to the AFL app to make sure time was almost up I'd have gone to pieces. So when van Rooyen marked hard on the boundary, 50 metres out, with time almost expired I thought we were probably safe. Brisbane smartly didn't let him fake having a shot, then pass it after wasting 30 seconds. If he had to kick it towards goal, all we needed to do was make sure it didn't land right in the hands of you-know-who to launch a last-ditch attack. So guess exactly what happened.

With 26 seconds left, they could easily have paid a 50 against Mihocek for gratuitous hanging about and blocking of space post-mark. This would've taken Brisbane to the middle of the ground, and who knows what happens after that but it's not like they were robbed out of a kick from the square. I was expecting the ball to go straight up the middle and end in a goal. Only one of these things happened, but watching this video the phrase "Bayley Fritsch has gone behind the ball" would've scared the shit out of me after he was step-laddered at the end of the game we pledged to stop mentioning.

Fortunately there weren't another 18 seconds after the last ball-up, because the ball was heading towards Brisbane's goal and our players were sucking wind so hard the first five rows were in danger of dying from oxygen deprivation, but we held on and it was glorious. A joyous leap to my feet at the final siren was accompanied by the sort of headspin you usually only get after drinking three slabs, but nothing short of dropping dead could've ruined this occasion. Even some filthy animal vigorously dropping his guts on the train home wasn't enough to bring the mood down. This was further proof, as if needed, that my happy place is the MCG immediately after a Dees win. And may there be many more in our future.  

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Harvey Langford
4 - Kade Chandler
3 - Ed Langdon
2 - Daniel Turner
1 - Kysaiah Pickett

Apologies to Fritsch, Gawn, Lever, Mihocek, Petty (mid-disasters), Sparrow, Steele and van Rooyen

Leaderboard
Moose cometh, Max goeth, as the great man finally fails to poll in the 2026 game named after a ruckman. The good news for Gawn fanatics is that it only cost him one point in the three-man race for gold. After the brief Howes outright run at the top of the Seecamp standings, Turner arrives to grab a share of the lead, while there's still no sign of a breakthrough in the Rising Star. A reminder that Heath is eligible due to only playing four league games before joining us.

23 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
13 - Jack Steele
12 - Kysaiah Pickett
5 - Kade Chandler, Ed Langdon, Harvey Langford
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Tom Sparrow, Koltyn Tholstrup, Caleb Windsor
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, (JOINT LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Daniel Turner (JOINT LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever, Harry Sharp

Next week
It's a winless Richmond in a state of disarray, so god help us all if there's another Gather Round-style fiasco. I like to think the Essendon result was an Adelaide Oval thing, now we've found the MCG spot, nothing can stop us. I'm not greedy, a nice, comfortable win by a free and fair margin will do just fine thanks.

The most pressing selection issue is the Petty replacement. If we were 1-5, I'd say go for the future and save Jed Adams from the one game club but I've got full season It's The Hope That Kills You Syndrome and want McDonald instead. I know he was average against Essendon and you've got to move on eventually etc... etc... but maybe teammates could help by not letting the ball go down there at lightning speed?

One press conference I'll always make time for is Cheery Steven King after a win. He flagged potential changes due the short break, but given Casey also played on Sunday I don't know that helps unless a) somebody got rested halfway through the reserves game, b) they parachute a player in from nowhere, c) we just assume that anyone who hasn't played a senior game yet is well rested due to the VFL taking a week off whenever it suits them. 

Based on not watching a second of the Casey game (mainly because the live streams on the AFL website still don't work on my phone), and the stats not showing time on ground, finding out if anybody was parked halfway through to the game to keep them fresh would require research that I'm not prepared to do. Pick pretty much whoever you want, but can we not tempt fate with mad selections just because the opposition lost to North by 75 points?

Other than Lindsay being 'managed' this week, and Johnson who was (I assume) the carryover emergency, there's not a lot of depth if people keep getting injured. Casey's AFL listed players were Adams, Cross, Henderson, Kentfield, Matthews, McSizzle, Mentha, Moniz-Wakefield and Onley + Berry and White, who are in development mode. Nobody's going to adequately replace Pickett (K) if he gets rubbed out, but based on the risky practice of deciding everything on the stats, it looks like Henderson was the most midfieldish of alternatives.

Otherwise, I'll assume Lindsay's management period is over and he's coming back. Which is bad news for Laurie, who I don't want to throw in and out of the side every week, but he's had two full AFL games this year for not much return so with apologies he gets chucked. Cross didn't seem to do much but he was unlucky to get injured on debut, so I could see him getting a go as well. We should stick with Heath for a couple of weeks, but I see Kentfield was the Casey ruckman (albeit in a team that got walloped in hitouts) and even if he doesn't need the big plastic mask by the time he gets a game, can he just wear it for novelty value anyway? 

In other news, the Trent Rivers welfare check storyline has been resolved. This week's injury report revealed he's got some sort of knee complaint. I might not be paying as close attention as earlier years, but that's the first I've heard of it. Best of British Irish luck to all involved. 

IN: Lindsay, McDonald
OUT: Laurie (omit), Petty (inj)
LUCKY: Heath, Jefferson (?)
UNLUCKY: Cross, Kentfield, Moniz-Wakefield

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
At one point it was the Mihocek set shot from a funky angle, but the Chandler one beat it for timing and context. Pickett (K) vs Carlton still leads overall.

Final thoughts
The odd fiasco will happen, but this team plays like kids who have transferred from a brutal military academy to a liberal 'do as you like' school. We'll find out which approach is better long term, but with the usual respect to our old coach bullshit we'd be anywhere near as interesting for fans and neutrals alike if they'd tried to carry on under the old method.

If you know, you know

Melbourne against a team on the verge of setting their worst losing streak in a history spanning three centuries - what could possibly go wrong? I'd love to get violently upset about this result, but as much as I tried to convince myself we wouldn't cock this game up, deep down I think we all feared a disaster. The only thing that should be gathered in this round are the tapes of this performance to be thrown down a mineshaft.

There's plenty of precedent for weird results against Essendon - we beat them while rubbish in 2012 and 2014, they did us in the next year just before James Hird 'disappeared', and again in 2016 while fielding a baffling array of ring-ins. None of that, or our pair of losses against the same opposition at the Adelaide Oval meant anything for the result of this game, but I was still on red alert.for a letdown after the joy of rumbling Gold Coast.

I don't know why they feel the need to wear retro jumpers for this bullshit round, but instead of the 2001 version (because who doesn't fondly remember going from a Grand Final to 11th?) we should've reintroduced the 2024-2025 Hertz design. After three wins off the back of reasonably high scores this was a throwback to when we had no earthly idea how to create goals. Many of the ones we did get could be considered 'highlights' if you're generous, but fat lot of good that is if you don't balance them with stodgy, bread and butter goals too. Meanwhile, the forward line of a side that hadn't won for about 46 weeks did as they liked.

I knew somebody was going to eventually plunder us this year, but did it really have to be the team on a 17 game losing streak? Better it happened at 3-1 rather than 1-3 (or worse), and it doesn't change my opinion that we're at best a midtable side playing for a spot in the consolation finals, but could you not just struggle to a too-close-for-comfort win this week, then collectively spill your bundles across the MCG next Sunday? Shouldn't think I'll be tuning in for any footy media this week, not even for the traditional 'fast forward to our bits'. There's no point, the focus will be rightly be on them, and there's no point drawing any grand conclusions about a team that goes from beating the top side one week to falling over against one only off the bottom of the beef stock/chicken stock/laughing stock league thanks to Carlton.

You can't beat a spot of confirmation bias, so when Foxtel finally cut away from North and Brisbane playing in a public park (tough luck if you wanted build-up to our game, Melksham going through the banner in his 250th etc...) to reveal it had been raining at the Adelaide Oval, I thought it was a bad sign. If our relative success so far has been built on adventurous attacking play, and there's enough exposed form for opposition coaches to be thinking about how to stop it, conditions that might work against a team quickly moving from one end to the other were not welcomed. Turns out this wasn't a problem for one of the competing sides. In fact, the anti-rain bias was misplaced because the best we looked all day was during second quarter showers. By the end, the only moisture came from people people pissing themselves laughing at our expense.       

I could've also done without the "Dees are back!" video package, which aged about as well as Fox Sports suggesting we were on the brink of a Brisbane 2024 style flag revival right before we went belly up in Alice Springs last year. Until we're confirmed good again, I'd rather be treated with contempt than people be nice about us.

After conceding the first goal in every game this year, it's incorrect to say the tone can be set from the first bounce,but in retrospect all you need to know about this game was demonstrated by Windsor storming out from the first centre bounce, then shanking a kick into the 50 that didn't even qualify as flatter than a plateful of piss. It didn't get much better for our forwards, who didn't get any decent quick forward entries and couldn't impose themselves when presented with aimless long bombs to a contest.

For the several dozenth time in my footy watching life, we were faced with opposition who just needed to be convinced that they were outmatched to throw in the towel and left a barn-sized door open with a flashing neon sign above reading "Don't give in, there is still hope". There was a let off when one of them did a perfect lead only to have the ball punted woefully over his head, but it was still a better passage of attacking play than practically everything we did. Eventually Essendon realised you didn't need laser passes to win, just wait for the opposition attacks to die a miserable death, then kick it to your choice of forwards in a one-on-one or standing on their own.

No point getting worried early when we haven't won a first quarter all season, but we made kicking goals look difficult in the opening minutes. They came from a Fritsch set shot from the boundary and Pickett (L) rolling one through from distance but there was always a sense that we were on the verge of conceding. But it was the same in the first quarter last week and that turned out fine against much better opposition, so obviously all you had to do was sit back and wait for us to go up a gear. It happened briefly in the second quarter, just enough to make you think we might have shaken off the early lethargy and were on the way to a comfortable win. Hadn't and weren't.  

Before then, the retro atmosphere continued with somebody called May doing a decisive spoil inside our defensive 50. This time it was one of the many Bombers forwards who had been living a life of misery before running into the AFL team most likely to give their bank account details to a scammer. The only one I'll accept being beaten by is Peter Wright, who is exactly the sort of equally competent ruckman/forward that we needed after Luke Jackson, rather than buying Grundy and wasting a year of his career because he was on sale.

Just as things started to look grim, there was a late reprieve when Harry Sharp continued his back from the dead tour. The end of the sub rule might have saved his career, but I think it made us try to desperately prop up Melksham in his milestone game after doing an ankle about one minute in. Being subbed out in the first quarter would not be the desired way to celebrate 250 hard fought games, but now we had the option to bring him back on, looking about 7% fit and not having the slightest impact on the game. Can't help bad luck, but it removed any chance of him strapping a malfunctioning forward line to his back and saying "let's get these bastards for injecting me with Mexican horse drugs". 

In Melksham's effective absence, nobody else had it in them to take charge in the forward line. We've already turned to playing Petty as a forward, and he did take a couple of really good contested marks but the usual criticisms of playing him down there applied. His best work is done outside goalscoring range, so what's the bloody point if there's nobody closer to goal who can take marks and kick goals? He did have one set shot from practically right in front, but missed so here's an old whinge rebooted for the new season - why don't we play McDonald forward when a) he's historically better at it, and b) Petty should have years of full time defending ahead of him, so he might as well get on with it.

The first half seemed like an unnecessary struggle, but compared to what happened later it was practically the 2021 Preliminary Final, right down to Gawn goalling via Pickett-esque crumb. That kicked off our best period of the game, but consistent with our horrible delivery inside 50 there's no way the Langdon kick that fell to Pickett (K) was meant to go there. Regardless, it was fair payment for the epic chase and tackle Pickett had just done in the middle of the ground. If we'd won I'd have watched that highlight on repeat until my eyes bled, but now it can go in the vault with all the fancy goals we kicked in this game that ended up counting for STUFF ALL because they weren't backed up by enough good old fashioned, as useful in the 2020s as the 1920s goals from marks.

Unless you're in the Cheer Squad and are committed to going to every game, anyone who supported Gather Round got what they deserved by paying to watch this. Including weather conditions that looked from one camera angle like the nicest day in the history of Adelaide, and from another like it was absolutely pissing down. By the time Sparrow got the next goal, via a smart pass from Fritsch, which allowed the commentators to unfairly defame him for alleged past crimes against teamwork, it was back to bright sunshine both literally and metaphorically. It came 

A few people got their back up about the commentators practically punting Essendon home, but go back and watch games where we won as massive underdogs and you'll find the same thing. You can't crack the shits just because this time we were the buffoons on the wrong side of the result. Be thankful that Fox put on what they thought was a B-grade commentary team but were actually quite sensible. Imagine the utter tripe that you'd have been subjected to if Dwayne Russell was involved. There must be an AI option to generate the audio of what he'd have sounded like so you can appreciate how comparatively calm and sensible this commentary was.

There'd have been no need for people to reach for things to get upset about (and keep that in mind later when I start discussing VFL scheduling) if we'd kept going until half time. That would've given Essendon enough to claim they were getting better while also getting the green light to pack it in during the second half. Sadly, the Bombers were not interested in politely accepting their club's outright record losing streak and kicked the next goal. But then we got two, one created by a quality tackle in the middle by Sharp, and a Pickett (K) play on that I thought was extremely optimistic but turned out to be rare genius.

It all started to go teet up when Gawn's first half domination in the centre bounces saw him grab the ball yet again, before we somehow allowed it to go the other way, where Essendon should've had the immediate reply. It looked more like our type of game now, but I was still nervy about being rumbled on the turnover. It's understandable to be caught out when an attacking raid goes wrong unexpectedly, but being carved up like a Christmas turkey from a kick-in after van Rooyen's rubbish set shot was inexcusable. Things might have turned out better if he'd kicked OOF, instead they went *BOING* down the other end, cut the gap to six, and went off with their tails unnecessarily up.

The only song I hate as much as Believe is the one where people are asked if they've heard about closing the god damn door, but it would've been an appropriate tune to pipe into the rooms during half time. We couldn't blame Essendon kicking miracle goals or getting controversial frees yet, it was just the genuine 50/50 game that you'd have expected before Essendon started the season like an East German hatchback.

When presented with dishevelled opposition who've been given a sniff of a breakthrough victory, one option is to boot their head in after half time with a few steadying goals. We went for Plan B, which involved them levelling the scores almost immediately. It came from a well-taken set shot that should probably have been advanced to the goalline after McSizzle all but yelled "Pay a dissent free against me you arsehole" at the umpire. Per games played, I reckon he's got away with berating more umpires than anyone since that rule came in. I hope the Freo player who once got done for cracking the shits at an umpire during Gather Round wasn't watching this or he'd have punted the TV in. I appreciate the passion, but there's about a 99% chance that the one time he does get pinched for going ballistic it'll be at the end of a close game.

Down the other end our forward line had gone into hiding. After Petty's miss he set up the next chance with another good mark, only for Steele to miss from even more right in front. We were doing everything possible to keep Essendon in this game, including JVR spilling marks in a way that would have St. Kilda fans calling Lifeline. Maybe he's only aroused by the prospect of hearing Rock The Casbah after goals, but since that alleged breakthrough performance in Round 1 van Rooyen has not been good.

The forwards were getting awful service but it doesn't mean they couldn't make something of it. Didn't help that Melksham was too broken to contribute. I know midfield Pickett has been a winner, but what about throwing him inside 50 during the third quarter and trying to introduce a bit of carnage? As it was, we gave the downtrodden Essendon defenders all the time and space they needed to transport the ball out of the backline with all the white-glove care of movers shifting the Mona Lisa.

Brief respite came from a Pickett family reunion, as (L) set up (K) for a snap, before I uttered an audible obscenity when it looked like Essendon cancelled it out from the next bounce. We were saved by a free in the contest, but went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like Tholstrup's horrendous job at pretending he had no option but to run straight out of bounds. Then, a kick from long distance and difficult angle turned into from square and directly in front after a 50 for Turner making feather-like contact with the torso of an opponent that was. 

This was the beginning of the end, and kicked off a few minutes that gave delusional people the chance to blame umpires for the loss. Yeah nah. Can't argue Lever getting away with a hold, then dragging the ball back in and giving away a free anyway, but you certainly can question the player being run down running into an open goal and getting away with a 'handball', only for Langdon to fresh-air his attempt to rush the subsequent kick over the line. Not a great moment in umpiring, but it's not their fault we got three goals up in the second quarter and failed to go on with it. There were plenty of shizen decisions last week too and we seemed to overcome that by being otherwise good. 

Now we were left having to chase a three goal deficit in the last quarter. Young teams have done stupider things than that, but instead of coming out firing and giving them something to think about we basically formed a 30 minute guard of honour congratulating Essendon for ending their miserable run. If had to lose I'm glad it was a mid-range thrashing, because I'd have been much more upset at launching a comeback and falling short.

If the first bounce told you everything you needed to know about this game, the runner-up in that category was Langdon trying to keep the ball alive inside 50, only for his tap to go straight to an Essendon player to clear the danger without us going anywhere near having a shot at goal. Then Chandler tried to run onto a high kick in the forward pocket and ended up in the crowd. He'd have done well to stay on that side of the fence because nothing on-field beyond this point was worth participating in. The Merrett snap from his arse was the final nail in the coffin, before they carried on like a deranged undertaker and banged a few more in. 

For anyone who can be bought off by highlights, Langford kicked a mad goal on the run from the boundary line but it was too late to have an impact. Out of protest at our performance, if it's nominated for Goal of the Year I'll vote for the other two contenders. Then there was Langdon nearly killing himself in a failed Kamikaze effort to stop a mark. Credit to him for trying to play the game out, but everyone else had given up so no need to get killed for a lost cause.

I don't object to losing, but I hate giving opposition fans lifelong happy memories. Fremantle fans have probably already forgotten about beating us in Round 2, but now there'll be Essendon fans going to their grave talking about the time they ended the streak. Also, losing to Brad Scott annoys me, but that's happened enough over the years that it's hardly a shock.

After accepting this result in sportsmanlike fashion, I got randomly upset about it for about an hour from 7pm. Then I realised that it makes no difference in the long run, and when you're in the weird Twilight Zone of neither contending nor rebuilding ups and downs will come unexpectedly. This is Essendon's day, and for the first and last time good luck to them, but even with everything we've been through since their previous win I'd still much rather our previous 18 games than theirs, even if the final one was a real piece of shit. 

Whether this is Essendon's turning point, or a North 2025 style false alarm doesn't matter a jot to us, what matters is if we took anything out of the debacle or not. In a week where Simon Goodwin was happy to see us doing well, we could do with a bit of the learnings and connection he used to go on about in press conferences. There's no need to quaff arsenic yet, but I don't think we're going to get any heartwarming clips of Steven King's post-match love-ins with the players this week. Go on, just pretend you hit the wrong button and post footage of him asking them"What the fuck was that?"  

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
The nature of the award is that the same number of votes are awarded for each game, but I don't think there's ever been a situation where the same players have occupied the top three positions in consecutive weeks but there's been such a gulf in quality of performances. But, somebody's got to get the votes so here we are.

5 - Max Gawn
4 - Jack Steele
3 - Kysaiah Pickett
2 - Blake Howes
1 - Daniel Turner

Reluctant apologies to Lever, Petty and Sharp

Leaderboard
Ok, so Max is so far ahead in the Stynes that it is 100%, definitely NOT MY FAULT if he gets injured after I call him provisional winner. In other news, Howes is now your leader in the Seecamp and I bet nobody saw that coming. Whether it's a good sign or not is open to interpretation. Still nothing in the Rising Star, further delaying the official launch of its new naming rights sponsor.

23 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
13 - Jack Steele
11 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Tom Sparrow, Koltyn Tholstrup, Caleb Windsor
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Ed Langdon, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek
1 - Kade Chandler, Jai Culley, Jake Lever, Harry Sharp, Daniel Turner

Next week
Now that the burden of hope has been lifted, it's safe to assume Brisbane will absolutely root us and appreciate anything better than that. I'd love to reward VFL form, but Casey had another bloody week off. This time for a state game AFL listed players aren't eligible for. Did we win? Does anyone seriously care? (Update - Fake Victoria d. Fake South Australia despite Fake Tom Scully kicking three). 

Feel free to play the game, just don't shut the league down for a week to do it. Cover the handful of absent players with Under 18 players and get on with it. Four teams have byes on either side of this week off in a league with an equal number of sides. Who are they running this competition for, and why don't AFL clubs blow up about it?

What this means is that we dropped Trent Rivers three weeks ago and didn't play him the one time Casey had a game. Nevertheless, he comes back to replace ankle injury victim Salem because I don't know who else to pick. Despite best efforts to pretend otherwise I'm also assuming Melksham's ankle is rooted, and if the solution to this dilemma is to play Petty forward again I'll complain on the internet. He goes back, McDonald goes out, and Kentfield gets to become the first VFL/AFL player ever to debut while dressed as the Phantom of the Opera. And after a week off, I'm back on the Max Heath bandwagon, because as much as Gawn is the greatest ruckman to have ever lived it's Round 5 and if we keep relying on him this heavily the great man will be dead by August. If you got Heath with the idea that he'd eventually replace Gawn then get on with the development program ASAP.

Good to have selection whinging back.

IN: Heath, Kentfield, Rivers
OUT: Melksham (inj), Salem (inj), McDonald (omit)
LUCKY: L. Pickett, van Rooyen
UNLUCKY: Anyone who wants to improve their career through the VFL

Next Year
I don't need to keep playing Essendon at the Adelaide Oval until we get a result, give us Generic Interstate Team at Norwood Oval instead. Still wouldn't travel to watch live if you paid me, but it'll be something different. 

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
For pleasing visual spectacle you'd say Langford, but for the first time ever context works against a contender for this award. I refuse to recognise anything good happening in the first quarter, so for the second time in three career goals the nomination goes to Latrelle Pickett. Now let us never speak of this cursed afternoon again. 

Administrative update
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Final thoughts
Still not as bad as Sydney beating us after 26 losses in a row.

Steele melts Suns beams

Now it can be revealed that after missing two memorable MCG wins to start the season, I expected to turn up in person on Sunday to see anything from a reality check to a tits up disaster. Hours after West Coast delivered a warning against excitement by converting consecutive wins into 130 point defeat, an honourable loss seemed more likely than the sort of performance that would have tumbleweeds bouncing down the aisles halfway through the last quarter but you just never know. Indeed you do not. 

There was always the prospect of winning, but after 15 years of Gold Coast being space-occupying slop I'd been spooked into believing they were The Next Big Thing. Even without that up and coming Petracca fellow, and him who eats grass playing his first game since busting a finger in State Of Origin, I'd have thought (and come on, you did too) they'd keep us at arm's length. The Suns may still turn out to be the NBT, but they got a rude shock from the All New Quite Interesting Melbourne here.

On Saturday night I saw the score in the Sydney/Eagles game was getting perverse and tuned in for the last quarter. Seeing James Jordon sitting next to Simon Goodwin on the bench at Perth Stadium gave me warm and fuzzy historical feelings (+ Grundy on the field, reminding us of the wackiest single season cameo in history), but none of that is relevant to where we're at now. Won't stop me from waffling about on about it, but I've clambered right on board the Steven King bandwagon. It's about 99.9% more interesting than last year, but there will be ebb and flow. We went from being the highest scoring team in the competition in 2018 to shite the next year, so nothing is guaranteed. However, if offered 3-1 at this stage of the season I'd have torn your hand off, so job well done so far.     

After two weeks of attacking towards the sun in the first quarter like vampires, we finally got to kick into the shade. This was balanced by instead defending like the chronically light sensitive. Maybe Turner spent his time off in a dark room because he lost the Gold Coast variety King in brightness and allowed a simple mark in front of goal. It was one of three King shots in the first quarter and I was on full alert for a boot filling. He went on to do not much more, and god forbid for the second time this year we won something approaching a shootout. Can't get away with this forever but overjoyed to have done it here.

Other than the sense that anytime we didn't kick a goal the ball was going to pelt down the other end at the speed of light, it never got worse than conceding the first two. Mihocek got one back, and though the stats would imply he didn't do much, this was a good example of presence making life easier for everyone. Not sure how he got shown as the second best on ground here, and ultimately all votes are just made up based on criteria plucked from thin air, but I'd be interested to hear the case. JVR is still struggling to recapture his Round 1 glory, but Brody (never, I regret to say, 'Checkers') has been a big help in getting our forward line going.

We were potentially being rorted out of a mark to Latrelle, a few minutes after Gold Coast was paid one that went nine metres at best, but it led to the ball reaching random literal last second option Salem for a snap right on the siren. I still didn't think we'd win but seven points was a fair indication of where the game was at.

If the first quarter was about holding on against opposition you (incorrectly) suspected were going to pull away eventually, it got really good after the break. There were still challenges, thanks to more Gawn centre-bounce wizardry, Pickett (L) nearly got his goal within 20 seconds of the restart, but the rebound saw them find a second gamer with nobody around him. He kicked a very good set shot, and even if Gold Coast didn't fully turn up you couldn't fault their accuracy. Meanwhile, our misses created the circumstances that allowed two or three behinds in a row, which makes the old "if they kicked 5.1 instead of 1.5" as big a load of bollocks as ever.

So, that was the Salem goal wasted but never mind because there were 6x more goals to come in this quarter than our entire first half last week. Sure we also let in four, but that's not important right now. Mihocek got his ceckond, beating two opponents to the mark, before the white-hot hatred of our fans towards the umpires kicked off with McSizzle being done on a holding free after whichever academy freebie he was playing on tried to dance the tango with him first. Enter Australia's new favourite midfield combination for the reply, as Gawn put it on a platter for Pickett, who went full turbo mode and landed it with Melksham for the reply. After years of having our goals cancelled instantly, it's nice to do it to someone else. Especially when the goal came from a bullshit free.

The next goal requires visual aids to capture all the excitement:

If football is art, the this is a masterpiece 🖌️🫟#DemonSpirit pic.twitter.com/WLaNwRnI9P

— Melbourne Demons (@melbournefc) April 6, 2026

Find me a better kick off the ground than the one by Pickett (L) that started this (and we're going for technical quality here, so you can't pick the toepoke that won Geelong a Grand Final). Not to mention it never happened without him stripping the Suns player of the ball on the way past. I still think wrecking some semi-professionals in a VFL game will be good for Latrelle's development, but if we can get away with doing it in the seniors then please do. After looking all at sea during the Freo game, he's done things the last two weeks that give the impression of imminent riot running.

To nobody's surprise, Culleymania has cooled since I declared him my new favourite player, but consistent with several other players he's contributing without the stats to show it. For example, after years of creating global warming by incinerating inside 50s, I appreciate having somebody who can turn a simple intercept mark into a contest. Especially now that we're pushing defenders higher up the ground (he says, pretending to understand tactics based on listening to one conversation with the coach), and are at risk of being filetted on the rebound.

Then there's Melksham bringing everything together with multiple efforts - perhaps a holding the ball that we'll overlook - before kicking the snap without ever properly regaining his balance. This goal was, appropriately for the religious holiday, a combination of all things bright and beautiful. Then we kicked two more and were in front, which was nice.

 

In a win for the marketing department, the post-goal songs weren't as annoying as expected, but let's stress test the concept during a putrid performance before declaring it a success. After the Harry Sharp goal, non-miserable people in front of me went right off for Sweet Caroline. This would usually be a nightmare scenario but the blow was softened by it requiring a Melbourne goal to go off. This theory came in hand later with Tholstrup's questionable selection of Believe, a song I've despised since 1999, well before it played in Perth Stadium right after the 2018 Prelim just I got notification of a flight delayed by several hours.

I'm right into Sharp now, and the hardly revolutionary theory that he's best suited to running all day was shown in the last quarter as he was still pelting around at top pace. The next project to celebrate the death of the sub rule is Bailey Laurie, who got a chance due to Fritsch's dicky foot. After either being subbed in or out of 75% of his career games, Laurie finally had the luxury of four quarters and had a big old crack as expected. Didn't do a massive amount but deserves more chances to prove himself before being written off. Turns out he hadn't played in a win since Geelong '24, the last gasp of the Goodwin era before the capsize began. The only other time he started and finished a game in a win was late '23 when we were toying with Hawthorn, shortly before they unlapped themselves and shot past us.

Just as you might have been considering going right off and taking holidays in September, we lost the lead by conceding one on either side of half time. Enter Tholstrup and his shit song, then Melksham pulling down a huge mark that will eventually be beaten for MOTY but deserves the early season lead.  Being a horrible person I enjoyed the visual spectacle of his grab but sat there thinking it was no bloody use unless followed by a goal. And indeed it was. If they can ignore finals in Mark of the Year calculations they can also disqualfiy anything followed by a point or turnover.

After Gawn kicked a snap from 20 metres in front (and who cares how ball is introduced to boot as long as the final result is right), and a 50 gifted Lindsay his first career goal in a game not involving a record last quarter collapse, there were a few minutes where it looked like the Suns had NFI what to do and were ripe for the killer blow. And then when we failed to land one they decided to make it interesting, then nearly very interesting as only desperate goal line defence by Gawn kept out a second in quick succession. This set up a tasty Melksham handball to Pickett for a late goal and 14 point lead. Based on the fourth quarters this year a good chance at holding it. Now that you know what happens it was a solid lead, but being a yellow-streaked coward I wondered if we'd get stuck between pressing on or trying to protect the upset win. Trust the process.

Gawn dismissing his latest big name ruck challenger was a big reason we never went close to losing, but remember everyone hanging shit on us over losing Petracca and Oliver before playing a game? I'd rather not be paying Clayts $3 million, but for 2026 football reasons alone I'm quite happy with Jack Steele thanks. All the mad attack on the footy, none of the drama. It can't hurt playing at the feet of the era's greatest ruckman, and often with Pickett scaring the piss out of the opposition at the same time, but they're getting along like this combination has been together for years.

We were being ransacked by the umpiring, but the end result demonstrates how it can be overcome if you're good enough. Unless it's somebody handballing over the line with nine seconds left there's no need for full victimhood like the fans of [pretty much everyone else]. The white-hot outrage of our fans, now inflated by the hope of pulling off an upset, was better matchday entertainment than songs, flames, and people racing against Lego combined.

When Pickett I played a lovely through ball for Pickett II to walk into an open goal we were 4+ goals up with not much more time than that left. Forget this nonsense about the first team to 100 always winning, in situations like this I'd rather know how often sides win from X ahead with X:XX left. It'll go wrong sometimes - and don't we know it - and has chuff all to do with the actual game in progress but I'd be comforted to know. Especially when the Suns kept everyone on their toes with a goal that gave them an outside chance of making it interesting. I was already very interested and didn't need a big finish to enhance my enjoyment of the afternoon. 

Thanks to the AFL website (and there's something you don't hear every day) for having the countdown clock on. I've seen multiple games this year where it's been showing count up and thought maybe they'd caved in to the people who think it'll be just as 'exciting' not to know how long is left now - when people on the bench are holding up 30 and 60 signs, and the countdown time can be seen on a screen in front of players - as it was in 2004 before somebody came up with the revolutionary idea of communicating to players by putting a number on some cardboard. And tell me the commentators won't know exactly how much time there is left, so the last thing we need is them acting badly and pretending that anything can still happen when they can see the siren's about to go. 

Thank god there was no need for debates over thrilling finishes, because we didn't concede again, and got enough of the ball to run the clock down via dinky sideways/backwards kicking that the Gold Coast players realised there was no point trying to stop. We'd have been howling at an opposition club for wasting the last few minutes doing the same thing, but it was good practice for when this sort of thing will be required in a really close game. It was all very professional, but I need to win a game by under a goal for the first time since R16, 2024 to be convinced we're beyond freaking out during tight games. Even that was a 'worst win ever' contender, falling over the line against a pox North side. Before that it's the back-to-back 1 and 4 point wins over Brisbane/Adelaide in late 2023. Since then we've lost 11 games by a goal or less. Jezum crow. But let's see assume everything's changed under new management - and why wouldn't you the way it's going? - and see what happens next time we're involved in a dramatic finish.   

Despite the views of stupid people who think if their team could pull in a big crowds against interstate opposition on Easter Sunday everyone can, I was quite happy amongst 24k Dees fans going off their trolley at the siren. Obviously you get more money if 40k turn up, but it's not 1959, it's more about TV money and exposure. Unlike last year, we're great value for broadcasters, and as much as I loved sludgerous 61-53 wins when they happened, this version of Melbourne appeals to neutrals and spectacle maniacs alike.

We're almost at the point of the season where optimism about exciting footy is crushed by ruthless coaches so I'm not declaring us The Entertainers yet, but it's been a fun start to the year. There's a bit of 1998 about it (including the coach having his first loss against Freo), and may it continue for as long as possible, survive the inevitable mid-season collapse when we get morbid and self-doubting, then roar back into life at the business end of the season. Apologies to Chris Scott saying the most sensible thing to come from his family since Brad wanted the Docklands roof closed, I'm going to be forced to invest in the Wildcard Wankfest arent I?

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jack Steele
4 - Max Gawn
3 - Kysaiah Pickett
2 - Jake Melksham
1 - Harry Sharp

Apologies to Howes, Lever, Salem, Sharp, Sparrow.

Leaderboard
Looks like stiff shit to anyone who was hoping for an upset winner this season, but while the top votes are being dominated by the favourites, I'm pleased at the leaderboard variety. Only two more players have polled than at the same time last year, but this year votes are being handed out for quality performances, not on a 'least worst' basis. Still nothing in the Jones, and the Seecamp has suffered for our attacking intent. Despite a public push I'm still not declaring Gawn provisional winner of the Stynes because it feels like tempting fate.

18 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
9 - Jack Steele
8 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Tom Sparrow, Koltyn Tholstrup, Caleb Windsor
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Ed Langdon, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek
1 - Kade Chandler, Jai Culley, Jake Lever (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Harry Sharp

Next week
I was on reality check red alert here, but forget all the good feelings, next week is DEFCON1 for a potential shambles. On paper, morally, and everywhere else it doesn't count, we should walk over Essendon on the verge of their all-time greatest losing streak. After avoiding potential massacre against Footscray they may have regained some will to live, which should be clubbed out as early as possible. After winning two 50/50 games and springing an upset, this is our first time in the new era starting as red hot favourites, so let's see how what it's like to cope with expectation and opposition who'll be happy to turn the game into trench warfare.

This will all take place in Adelaide, where we play the Bombers for the third time in four Gather Rounds (don't care how successful the concept has been, it's still a putrid name). The only break was the year with back-to-back games against the local teams. I'd rather join the Human Centipede than travel interstate to hang out with a bunch of non-MFC fans, but they're not even trying to sell the idea by repeating the same fixture every year. After the last two weeks, give us more teams coming off the bye thanks. The Bombers have been everyone's bye for the last year, but I raise Sydney 1993 as an example of where this can go violently off the rails. It shouldn't, and I still think we'll win, but anyone talking about a percentage booster will be interned pursuant the Footy Overconfidence Act 1897 until Sunday morning.

In a surprise twist, the VFL didn't take Senegalese Independence Day as the excuse for another bye and Casey had a game this week. I supported this momentous occasion by not seeing a second of it, but a) they won, b) Ken T. Field pressed his claims for a senior game by kicking four, and c) Heath continued his Moose-ish behaviour with a shitload of contested possessions. Rivers didn't play, which is odd as he's now had two weeks without a game.

The problem for anyone on the senior fringe is that we've had a sniff of being good (long way to go, marathon not sprint, flag never won in April etc...) so widespread change is unnecessary. Logically, playing Melksham makes no sense but you'd have to be the most brutal footy rationalist ever to try and chuck him for development reasons after a performance like this. I think you can have him and Fritsch together, but Turner's return left Petty a bit spare parts so either he or McDonald will have to go. And if the Fritsch foot is farked, then the door is open for someone else. I'll also keep Laurie, because he didn't do a lot here but after only playing one quarter in 2025, give the guy some time to show he's not the classic "too good for VFL/not good enough for AFL" gap plummeter. 

IN: Fritsch
OUT: McDonald (omit)
LUCKY: Laurie, Petty (only because of balance)
UNLUCKY: Heath, Kentfield, Moniz-Wakefield

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Everyone loves Melksham, and his multiple efforts ending in the second quarter snap are a worthy winner. I almost liked it better than K. Pickett vs Carlton, and the Latrelle chip shot helps, but context keeps original recipe Pickett as the clubhouse leader. 

Final thoughts
For the first time ever I watched the opposition coach press conference and enjoying Hardwick working blue, describing last year's ladder as "worth shit" and his team getting a "kick in the nuts". Both true. I'd still rather Gold Coast win the flag than any Victorian team not called Melbourne, but the last part of the Petracca bonanza is their first. So if you feel like going into a death spiral and finishing 15th then don't stop on our behalf.

Standard 'post delayed' notification

Warning: Melbourne may be good again. We're currently waiting to get test results back from the Ponds Institute and should have a post up by Wednesday morning.

Keep an eye on Twitter or Facebook for a link. Send any thoughts on the game via the usual channels and I'll incorporate/shamelessly steal them.

Never in doubt

For survivors of the #fistedforever era, Maximum Sizzle 500 didn't need an all-time classic comeback to be considered our wildest milestone game of all time. Sure, it sounds like an IndyCar race, and only happened because Daniel Turner's hand exploded, but consider the career paths of last men standing from the Bailey era, Max Gawn and Tom McDonald, and how unusual it was for them to arrive at 250 games simultaneously.

We put on an idea performance to celebrate these great warriors of the club. It was half fitting tribute to the shambles Melbourne has been in for most of their careers, and half 25/09/2021 style joyous stomping of demoralised opposition. At 1-44, I was thinking about climbing inside the dishwasher, but once you know what happened, what more appropriate game could you ask for? 

If we hadn't pulled off our most numerically spectacular comeback since Freo '08 (even in an empty stadium, Geelong '21 is more important because of what it led to), you'd be hearing more about players turning their arrivals into an NBA-style fashion parade. Only deranged people would think we conceded the first seven goals because players spent more time thinking about what to wear than beating Carlton, but there's a lot of hours in the week that need content, and a lot of people working with article view KPIs. I'm too old to know why Kysaiah Pickett turning up in a jumper that probably cost $700 but made him look like a Wiggle is important, but hopefully it's because players want to wear the Zurich logo as little as possible in protest at their treatment of Angus Brayshaw. We'll see if this gimmick has legs, but for the avoidance of doubt, Zurich can go piss up a Swiss alp.

Our recent history against Carlton has been full of narrow losses, but *cue ominous music* there have also been a couple of near-misses in similar circumstances to this game. In 2020, we were 42-0 up and held on to win by a point, and in 2024, they started 36-0 and likewise hung on like grim death for a one point victory. The fact that we romped home to win the tiebreaker by four goals is a reason to confer the coveted PISS FUNNY status on Sunday, especially with the shots of Carlton fans abandoning their seats and piling out of the MCG as if it was on fire.

The elephant in the room is that you don't get the glory of mowing down a seven goal start without conceding the seven goals to begin with. It's the second week in a row we've failed to turn up at the start of a game, and young players/new coach etc.. etc.. this can't go on. I can take losing (and indeed expect it), but there'll be a week where the other side doesn't conserve themselves (Freo) or take a comedy pratfall into a hole full of toxic waste (Carlton) and will beat us by 120. After 18 months of being shit and boring at the end of the Goodwin era I'm all for the idea of going down swinging now, but there's a dead set rooting in our future if we carry on like this. Can't play Carlton every week.

We'll get to the ball-bursting excitement of the second half later, but our start was so bad that it didn't qualify for the usual 'mass panic' metaphors of people escaping a burning building, or trying to get off a sinking ship. Maybe they'd worked themselves into a frenzy for the milestones, or were trying too hard to correct the half-arsed start that killed us last week, but there was nothing close to system on display. In front of the second biggest home and away crowd between the teams (surely a combination of milestone fever and Carlton fans thinking they were going to see a win), the blundering insanity of the early stages looked like a superclash between University 1914 and Fitzroy 1996. I didn't watch West Coast vs Port Adelaide because why would any neutral, but it can't have been as bad as anything here. 

At first, Carlton was equally inept, but with the advantage of planting the ball in their forward line, leaving us with NFI how to safely get it out. After some of the thankless defensive jobs he's been given over the years McSizzle would've felt right at home desperately trying to clear the ball only for it to come straight back. For the first few minutes he, Lever, and Petty (who responded to last week's controversy by going for the Yordan Letchkov look) did a fair job holding back the tide before things went temporarily tits up.

After we'd given them about six good chances at the opening goal, Carlton finally got one via a pass from somebody whose protective goggles looked like George Costanza accidentally buying ladies' glasses. Then they got another when Cripps said "fuck yo tag" to Tholstrup, both figuratively, and literally, after it was kicked, before going on to do bugger all when the game was on the line to the point where excitable people are now trying to trade him. Bit harsh, but I suppose anything's on the table after a fiasco like this.

For now, they were still flying high, while we were straight back to being pinned in defence and conceded first career goals to two different players. Meanwhile, our first gamer started with a nice mark then nearly handballed over the boundary line. To prove that well-known players could also take advantage of us, Harry McKay recovered from kicking his first shot OOF to convert from their sixth inside 50 mark of the quarter. Meanwhile we were on nil, and had scored a point. Which was, I suppose, better than that 2024 game.

This week we didn't even get a token goal to break up the savagery and went into quarter time 38-1 down. Bring on night games or winter gloom ASAP, because we've been outscored 13.9 - 1.2 in the last two opening terms while kicking into the sun. You didn't need to know we've only come back from larger first quarter deficits three times in history to understand the eyeball-level shit this left us in. On that note, how the hell did we trail Hawthorn by 39 points, concede the first goal of the second quarter, lead at half time and go on to win by 45? VFL360 would've been declaring the Hawks finished as a club after that, shortly before they went on to win a dozen flags.

Everyone's carrying on like Carlton was always going to stuff this up, but when they kicked the first after quarter time I'd have needed CIA Mind Control techniques to be convinced we were a chance of winning. As it turns out, that was actually the Blues wrapping up for the day. It was back to the normal, 50/50 game you expected. The only problem was that we looked spooked and slaughtered a bunch of decent chances to get on the board. There was:

• van Rooyen delivering a lovely kick to Langford in the square, only for him to fumble it through and leave us open to "they've doubled their score LOL ROFL" mockery.
• Mihocek dropping a mark on the lead after his opponent had given up on the chance, then later missing a set shot from right in front
• Pickett (L) putting down a mark directly in front...

... before finally, Langford made up for his earlier spill with 90 seconds left to avoid our first goalless half since as pointed out by kindly anonymous commentator, the 2018 Preliminary Final. Please enjoy the following discredited whinging about an earlier game. that shitbox twilight game against Adelaide in 2009. And if anyone too young to remember that game needs a reminder of what misery really looks like, we were still only 1.6 at three quarter time, ended on 4.10, somehow only lost by 17 points, and only 14,000 people turned up in Round 5. Also, Jared Rivers got fined $2600 for umpire contact, which seems harsh compared to the $1k fines much better paid players get for crashing into umps today.

So, we were seven goals down approaching half time and had just kicked our first goal of the day after nearly an hour of shambles. Imagine this was a home game and Let Me Entertain You played? There should've been a separate vote for what to play in these circumstances. I'll have this thanks. Alternatively, play nothing. Although the concept has had some effect on me, this morning the chemist was playing - for unexplained reasons - Rock The Casbah and it made me pine for JVR goals. Seems unlikely that a song about air strikes in the Middle East would be so popular at the moment but I'm hoping van Rooyen will be inspired by the chance to hear it again and kick six next Sunday.

Now that an unholy beating seemed to be off the agenda, the question was whether we could come out of this with any credit. Final answer - my word yes. But at the time, a four goal loss would've been enough for "if it wasn't for the first quarter..." disclaimers to prevent uncontrolled descent into self-loathing. I didn't expect the opposition to implode after half time when they'd just had a 17 day break. It's one thing if they'd gone off the boil after such a long break and started badly, but when you play a first quarter and a bit like that and should be well rested, against a team that played in hot weather on the other side of the country six days earlier, logic says you should win somewhere between 'easily' and 'by shitloads'. I'm getting the feeling logic no longer applies at Carlton.

Meanwhile, we'd lost Jiath to injury (though the second half suggests he may not have been all that important to the system), and there was a brief suggestion Pickett (L) wouldn't be coming back either, so that all pointed to a slopfest. For a while it looked like the biggest highlight of the second half would be Nick Dal Santo mixing up commodities by complaining about the price of electricity. Why not try running the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas?

It took a few minutes for Langdon to get the first, from exactly the same spot (obviously not at the same ground, no need to write in) as last week, which we nearly gave straight back. Then 45 seconds later we did, which continued to point to an "it could've been worse, but maybe try not going seven goals down to begin with" result. Chandler and Mihocek brought the margin back to four goals, and I started to become moderately invested, until they got one back through Buckets McGovern's brother. 

They missed a couple of chances to kill us off after that, but left the door open for three goals at the end of the quarter. The margin was back to 12, and after being scathing about all the commentary waffle around a potential Carlton collapse earlier in the quarter, I was starting to get interested in the idea. Now, the clamp they had on our ball movement in the first quarter was fully released, and you could see us scoring freely. 

The face of our 'game of two halves' performance was Pickett (K), who tried hard to get something going in the first half but couldn't find a target if they were holding up a flare illuminated by the light of a nuclear bomb. Then, when things opened up he went off his nut. Usually, I take disposal efficiency seriously (more so than hitouts and inside 50s anyway), but this was a case where it says nothing about a player's overall performance. There's no stat to account for the centre clearance where he gathered the ball, fell over in something resembling a combat roll, before getting back up and carrying on like nothing strange had happened. Carlton fans might be inclined to ask where their players were in all this, but let's just assume he'd have escaped their clutches anyway because he's great.

Things went from interesting to very interesting at the start of the last quarter when Paddy Cross kicked a lovely snap to cut the margin to six points. Sure, Culley's handball in the build-up was of the "quick hands" variety, but it was a good finish and reward to the coaches for whatever they took from a statistically average performance in an ordinary VFL result that encouraged them to give him a game. Who knows where his career goes from here, but what a game to debut in after being plucked from obscurity on list deadline day. You play alongside two club legends, one a Hall of Fame certainty, in their milestone game, in front of a big crowd, then kick an important goal as part of a blockbuster comeback. Even if his career never gets any better (and we obviously hope it will), that's a memory you'd still be buzzing about in 2076.

After a good run with unique first names like Kysaiah, Koltyn, and Latrelle, we've already had a Paddy. (Yes, and the Irish people. Not that we trade in stereotypes about... oh, they're doing the dancing again), who also captain/coached Carlton, so who knows whether he'd have been rolling over in his grave over this or not. I was climbing out of mine, having watched the first three quarters sick as a dog but now not feeling any pain at all. The post-siren elation lasted until about 7pm when it all went downhill again, but it was a nice break while it lasted.

Then, just as it looked like Carlton were totally broken and on the verge of collapse, they seemed to steady with two goals and I was back to "Thanks for the comeback, can we not be so shit at the start next time?" sentiment. This turned out to be classic last gasp stuff, because for the rest of the game we went around doing whatever, whenever, wherever, and they couldn't get near us. The centre bounces were the best example of the shift in dominance. Earlier we got nothing from them, now Gawn was getting first touch to everything, Pickett ran riot, Sparrow played his best game in years, and Jack Steele had as many tackles in a game for us as anyone not called Jack Viney. 

That was good, but we still had to come from 20 points down in the last quarter. Which we did, so hooray for that, but it wasn't a given at the time. Official party time commenced with a 'contentious' holding the ball free kick, which morally I don't think should be paid, but by the rules, Carlton Player was caught trying to bustle his way out of traffic instead of disposing of the ball so stiff shit. Fritsch kicked a snap, and by the time Chandler got another holding the ball free (cue some angst in the crowd, surprisingly not exploited by the host broadcaster with NuffyCam cuts to people doing their block), it was back to a point.

Now the game was at a "it's the hope that kills you" stage, and the more pessimistic amongst us probably expected Carlton to pull some ridiculous, barely deserved win out of their arse. Nobody told their players this, and they spent the rest of the game first looking absolutely terrified of what was to come on-field, then off it.

You all know what happens from here, but for the historical record the final outburst of violence included Langford completely wrong-footing an opponent (who was later scalded for not remembering what foot Langford kicks with, which is the analysis version of the tribunal suspending players for not changing direction to avoid a collision in the 0.01 seconds allowed) to put us in front with a snap, then Pickett (K) smashing through an absolute roof-lifter which words will not do justice to so let's all enjoy ourselves by watching it again. Apologies for the interference with this clip which makes it sound like an idiot is yelling over the top.

If you're seeing this face ... it's already too late 😛#AFLBluesDees | #DemonSpirit pic.twitter.com/wZM0PNrWS0

— Melbourne Demons (@melbournefc) March 29, 2026

That is some sort of finish, but credit also to Sharp for the pressure that caused the ball to wind up with him in the first place. There were many benefits to the sub rule being abolished, but it may have saved Harry's career.

Now we were 11 in front, which has proved a cursed position for us before. Never mind, because here's Pickett again, setting up Fritsch for what became the sealer thanks to McKay flubbing a set shot at the other end immediately after. About 10,000 Blues fans missed this let down because they'd charged out of the ground as one after the Fritsch goal. I'm not saying you should never storm out in anger, but for me it would be more humiliating to go in that sort of group than to slink off alone. Gags about the size of our fanbase from opposition fans can be sent to PO Box GAGF, Tehran, Iran.

We were promised more fun this year, and I'd rather it not take the form of running down seven goal leads again but you can't deny this was good stuff. The fact that it wasn't even close in the end makes the result even funnier.

I don't make a habit of feeling bad for opposition coaches, but watching Michael Voss on the sidelines in the second half was like seeing somebody appearing at a Stalinist show trial. We know what it's like when a coach has hit the point of no return and would quit if it didn't cost him millions of dollars, but the difference is that ours delivered a flag first, and hadn't come back from the brink of being sacked multiple times in recent years. I imagine he'd have struggled to put on a brave face when saying hello to the receptionist on his way into Princes Park after this. The only person who had a worse Monday was Dezi Freeman, and he doesn't have to back up and do it all again five days later.

We don't play the Blues again this year so my interest in who's coaching them by Round 24 is zero, but imagine being a three time premiership player, Brownlow Medal winner, Hall of Famer etc... etc... and putting up with these absolute nuffy fans. The worst we got was some nuffy doing a wildly misfiring gag about waiting for Goodwin in the carpark and Chris From Camberwell going 101% helium on SEN. 

I'd be more scathing of the fans filming themselves screaming at f'ing players to take off the f'ing jumper if our more knobbish element hadn't done the same last year, but the old "you don't deserve to wear the jumper" angle is a bit weird coming from cockroaches over the fence whose main contribution is buying a membership and a hat. I'm well beyond berating professional athletes at the best of times, but let's keep it realistic. If it turns out the voices in the video were Sticks Kernahan and Jezza they might have the authority to decide who's worthy of the jumper, but otherwise that sort of carry-on is strictly for defeated men who are going to vote One Nation in protest at no longer being allowed to play Kevin Bloody Wilson albums in front of the kids.

We'll assume the abuse wasn't coming from the Carlton Past Players' Association, but one of the competing clubs had a lot of exes enjoying a lovely time. Certainly before the game, and after half time anyway. The added bonus to the milestones was some great historical content (and I'm clearly biased, but for mine the Gawn/McDonald chat was the best digital media we've ever done), including a wide variety of well-known faces going off their collective tits at the end.

An iconic crew ❤️ 💙 Former Demons reunited for a memorable day at the 'G celebrating #TMAX500 pic.twitter.com/ixKoJPIzcn

— Melbourne Demons (@melbournefc) March 30, 2026 

Meanwhile, thoughts and prayers for this lady, who clearly didn't expect to be seated next to a dozen ex-MFC players on the cans as her team sank without a trace. She might be trying to hear post-goal analysis on the radio, but is more likely blocking out the noise of a returning Jayden Hunt going boonta.

The AFLPA would've had their emergency counselling team storming towards the MCG at half time, but the end result was great, and a GIF of Excited Jack Watts at the end would be in handy for dozens of scenarios. 

The key phrase in footy is 'All's well that ends well', even if there's still plenty of work in our future. But for the purposes of handing the Big Embarrassing Collapse baton over to another team, and collecting four premiership points, it's job done and thank you very much for the opposition for carking just when the script said to.

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Max Gawn
3 - Tom Sparrow
2 - Bayley Fritsch
1 - Jake Lever

Apologies to Chandler, McDonald and Steele.

Leaderboard
The pre-season favourite arrives and instantly jumps into second place, but still finds himself nearly three BOG behind Gawn. Plenty of time for them to duke it out, and we'd welcome any third party candidates who want to have a ping at the title. Lever is first on the board for the defenders, while we still wait for somebody to open the finally renamed (*CLICKBAIT ALERT* You'll have to read the linked article to find out, or wait however many weeks for an eligible player to poll)

14 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
5 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Jack Steele, Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Tom Sparrow, Koltyn Tholstrup, Caleb Windsor
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Ed Langdon, Brody Mihocek
1 - Kade Chandler, Jai Culley, Jake Lever (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)

Next week
At about 4pm we were looking at a four digit crowd for Gold Coast on Easter Sunday, without the drawcard of celebrity hamstring victim Christian Petracca coming back to tear us a new one. On Monday morning, Steven King was on the radio saying fans had to come and make the MCG a "cauldron", which will not be compatible with the tightarse MCC shutting Level 4 of both the Southern and Ponsford stands. I'll reluctantly accept one of them given the prospective crowd and a public holiday, but both will make us look shit. You can, however, get a photo with the Easter Bunny at Gate 2, which is bloody generous considering its schedule that day.

I'd love to base prospective changes off VFL form, but after one game in a competition with an even number of teams Casey had a bye. I'm not saying the competition is a farce but... no, that's exactly what I'm saying. Assuming their game goes ahead this week and is not postponed due to a random state game or fuel rationing, I'd like Latrelle Pickett to get the chance to get hands on ball at a lower level. He showed a bit in the second half here, but it doesn't hurt to rotate. 

Based on the same King interview I doubt Heath's getting a game because the prospect of him playing alongside Gawn was described as "at some point this season", but it's not going to stop me calling for it. Otherwise, Rivers comes back for Jiath, Cross gets another go, and we hope for the best. I don't think we'll win, but nor did I think that about five minutes into the second quarter here so you never know.

IN: Rivers, Heath
OUT: Jiath (inj), L. Pickett (omit)
LUCKY: Cross
UNLUCKY: Nil because the VFL is run worse than an illegal tobacco shop post-arson attack.

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Apologies to Cross, Chandler, and Langford, but you can't go past Pickett, K unleashing full misery on Blues fans with that goal from outside 50. Context is always important, so this replaces Pickett, L vs St Kilda as the clubhouse leader for the GOTY.

Final thoughts
Eventually, this season we're going to get the conditions and opposition to play four quarters and something really big is going to happen. At the same time, keep the lid tightly on and recognise the limitations of where we're at. But I'll never say no to the chance of laughing at the misfortune of others.