Anyone of a Melbourne persuasion would have been alert and alarmed about dealing the season's most disappointing team their 10th defeat in a row. Then, halfway through the first quarter, with the game nowhere near decided, commentators suggested the smelling of blood, hinted the Suns were about to have a collective nervous breakdown, and made even the least superstitious say "can you just not, thanks". And with good reason, because a tropical banana skin in our Real Finals campaign was only avoided by climbing out of a big old ditch late in the third quarter.
I accuse Gold Coast of ripping off our 2019 season. They've followed a breakthrough finals campaign by sinking to the bottom of the ladder and losing a lot without being completely humiliated. That bodes well for a repeat of 2020, as the camera cuts to AFL executives force-feeding pigeons bird flu in an excuse to introduce shorter games. The bit they've missed is unlocking Christian Petracca's full power by nearly drowning him in a pool. And this with both Wet n' Wild and Sea World in the neighbourhood.
In one of the wildest turnarounds imaginable, my early season demand for a Gold Coast/GWS Grand Final featuring Petracca vs Oliver under the "If we're not involved, annoy the piss out of purists" rule is no longer valid. One has swirled down the toilet, the other is barely clinging on to the misplaced hope of finishing 10th, and Melbourne - of all teams - has come through the middle to finish higher than either protected species. All three are probably just as likely to win the flag, but only one holds a confirmed ticket in the lottery.
That's right, thanks to mid-table mediocrity being officially endorsed by the AFL, we are unable to be dislodged from the 'finals' race. Remember when you had to finish in the top half of the competition for that to happen? I still haven't gotten over 2017, even if the disappointment of no bastard laying a tackle for about 20 minutes eventually led to the joy of 2018, and ultimately a flag. Hooray for keeping the interest up for teams like Carlton, St Kilda, GWS, but there was a point during the third quarter of our game when I looked at the ladder, and realised that if we couldn't finish in the top six, it wouldn't make a difference to be anywhere between 7th and 10th.
The home wildcard (*spit*) teams will be Victorian, so it would end in a Victorian 'final' one way or the other. Best avoided with a win, but where's the crushing sense of dread that makes the finals race? Imagine the impact on your vital organs knowing losing here would've left us teetering inside the eight by the end of next week, with two games left - including a potential in/out CORKER against Footscray in the last round? Now there's safety nets for teams who don't deserve them, and I'm not usually one to go on about "every child gets a prize" like your racist uncle on Facebook but let's not pretend there's any dignity in finishing 9th or 10th.
It's not the fault of the 7th and 8th teams that they're dragged into this nonsense - which I have to say, because thanks to Geelong holding a whopping percentage, it's where we'll probably end up. You never know with this team - other than the first 6.5 quarters against Hawthorn, we haven't had many amazing wins since realising that this season might turn out a whole lot better than expected. But despite a swelling injury list, we keep racking up all important premiership points by any means necessary and consolidating our position in the finals race. How much more, except winning at Gather Round, could you have realistically asked for this season? I'm simultaneously overjoyed and miffed that the achievement is diluted by letting teams play if they don't deserve it - including, still, possibly us.
After conceding 12 scoring shots to one in the first quarter of our last visit to Carrara, the obvious storyline - hammered home relentlessly through the commentary - was what the hell has happened to these teams over the last year? For enthusiasts, the real deal was Melbourne's first meeting with the late, great Christian Petracca. He barely had a touch for 20 minutes, under the watchful eye of 2026 revelation Koltyn Tholstrup, but I thought the booing lacked class. There's no need for a standing ovation, but here's a guy who was BOG on the greatest night of our supporting lives. There was a spot of unpleasantness on the way out, but if there's any departing player who you could just STFU about and get on with your life it's him.
On a related note, the beat-up about him cracking the shits with a teammate last week was well over the top. As if this hasn't been going on since 1859 and wouldn't have been sorted out the moment they walked off the ground. Get back to me when teammates start throwing punches in the quarter time huddle. But who wasn't holding their breath for Trac and old mate to be the best on ground, leading their side to a breakthrough win, then walking off the field together in fits of laughter at the over the top reaction to a minor tiff. There were moments, but you were free to breathe well before it became potentially fatal.
There should be less offence about what Petracca says, and more about what he's wearing while saying it. For a team trying to crack a difficult market while simultaneously having one good season in every 15, whoever signed off that nondescript, 1970s mining company logo should be sacked. And if they were the same person who decided to blend it into the jumper so they look like counterfeit training tops, there should be a public feeding to the sharks. They used to look like a McDonalds franchise, but this putrid outfit does not represent progress - even if you won a final in it.
Anyway, enough of free consultancy advice to opposition sides. Let's talk about the 13-7 Melbourne Football Club, who have gone from 'detrimental to the reputation of the game' to 'the most entertaining team for neutrals to watch' overnight. Fair to say that a large part of that is that you'll generally see goals flying in at both ends. Can you entertain your way from fringe finalist to September success? I doubt it, but there's only one way to find out. Didn't work trying to bore the opposition into submission in 2022/2023, so may as well have a crack at this method.
After cracking the ton of points conceded on turnover last week, it wasn't a great sign when the locals got their first goal from our inability to clear the ball from defensive 50. On the other hand, may I present Fritsch stuffing the ball down van Rooyen's throat straight from the centre bounce to cancel it out? This is the 2026 Melbourne that I'm still struggling to come to terms with all these weeks later - my first instinct is that goals are rare and should be treated with respect. Turns out that rule and coaching philosophy changes have overcome that issue, and now we've signed up to Shootouts 'R Us. Sure, why not if it's carried us this far through what could easily have been something between a season of consolidation and a red-hot fiasco.
I know better than to get sucked in by a good first quarter, but by the time Pickett was bursting through gaps in the opposition defence, and Fitzgerald was getting into the spirit of things with his first career goal, it was looking quite good. But not good enough to justify the wankfest in the commentary box, where they were one step from suggesting the Suns were going to forfeit their AFL licence at half time. It may be a pointless enterprise set up in hope, but you can't stuff a side full of top draft picks, academy prospects, and an increasingly irate premiership coach - even by his standards - and expect them to roll over and die.
Only one side gets to wave a white flag in these contests (and who'd have thought you'd think back fondly to the jumper the Suns are wearing in that clip in comparison to the piece of shit they've got now?), and wouldn't you know it, back came the locals, who barely had the majority of fans in their own ground. The good news for Gold Coast management is that even though their side has collapsed, almost 2000 people more turned up than when they beat us comfortably en route to finals last season. Either the tide is turning, or the away contingent was swelled by people who thought they might be able to escape cold as buggery Melbourne weather and see a win at the same time. And to escape Jonathan Brown trying to crack wise about how our fans "don't travel at this time of year" in such an awkward, comedy free way that even Dwayne Russell refused to get involved - albeit in Pilko Prentice "I'm not touching that one" style.
Given that ours is out of favour, injured, in and in serious danger of being the first male one gamist since 2002, one thing the Suns have got over us is a successful Jed. This one failed to heed advice from Fox Footy to roll over and die, kicking two goals in the first quarter. These set off minute-long sonic assaults of Call Me Maybe that made the MCG's post-goal 'entertainment' sound like gentle elevator music. The volume was so loud through the TV that it must have sounded like a jumbo jet taking off at the ground. Alright, play the bloody songs if you must, but if ear-splitting volume is ever scientifically proven to be the difference in encouraging people to attend I'll relocate to the Faeroe Islands.
Now we had the prospect of losing to a team in crisis, after a decent start, while hearing pop hits blaring out endlessly if this flange kicked a bag. You'd think the Suns would want to avoid mentions of one hit wonders. None of the other goal songs were nearly as loud, so if it turns out Jed's sister has a hearing condition and they turn it up x500 for her benefit etc... then please weigh up a cancellation on ableist grounds vs the fact that I didn't know because I don't care. The AFL's #1 Carly Rae Jepsen fanatic got his second late, just when we'd bounced back from their early post-commentary write-off flurry via Fritsch skidding one through. Where would The Entertainers be without either scoring or conceding late goals?
So, that took a bit of shine off a first quarter where we were far from dominant but were doing enough to look like winners. After a shaky start where it looked like Ben King was going to celebrate Suns' Member Appreciation Day by running riot one more time before pissing off to another club, McSizzle and Lever managed to keep things under control. There were still shizen turnovers galore, but this week without opposition good enough to take advantage. Thank god for that, considering there were about 30 minutes across the second and third quarters where our handball efficiency was at crisis levels.
I suppose a few wild handballs is the price you pay for when it comes off and looks brilliant, but it's still high risk because a good team would've slaughtered us. Fortunately, none was available, so no harm done. It'll be different next week, against the spiritual successor to Melbourne 2021 - the dull but successful Dockers. If they're also ripping off our greatest hits (albeit via winning the minor premiership by several clear games, not after the siren of the final round), they'll storm to glory in the second half of a Grand Final played on our ground.
For the second week in a row, I had to go into a media blackout after a promising first quarter. Then, for tedious domestic reasons had to wait another 30 minutes to get back into it, leaving me at the mercy of Kayo doing a magic leap through time and spoiling the result. Has only ever happened once, but that's enough to scar me for life. At one point I was fast-forwarding after a goal, and when the screen jammed up for a second I dived for the volume and deliberately averted my gaze so I could turn the power off as a precaution. May you never have to go through the nonsense I do to follow this team.
By the time I got going with the second quarter, you were probably just boiling up over Wacky Umpiring Decision #9, so I still had that in my future. For now, I was able to enjoy conceding the first goal after Pickett and Fitzgerald had a tricky/workmanlike mismatch in defence. It's not like his job is to be doing last line of defence manoeuvres, so I'm not holding it against Fitzgerald. It's impressive how comfortable he's been arriving from obscurity. How much more there is left to see is anyone's guess, but he's achieved the ultimate mid-season draftee situation of doing enough that other clubs would be interested - forcing us to pay extra to re-sign him. Obviously we're not talking about Scully money, but while every week makes it more likely there'll be a Sparrow-sized budget gap next season, he can (relatively) coin in. There's no telling whether you look as good in a pox team, but would he not walk into Essendon or Richmond's side at the moment? Would be a bit rude to say "thanks for the opportunity" and naff off elsewhere, but maybe he'll take an anti-driving-to-Cranbourne stance. I would.
Like the first quarter, we nearly responded to the early disappointment with an immediate reply but Langdon's optimistic ping missed. Turned out to be a seven point play - if you include the bit where we let them get the ball all the way down the other end before counter-attacking. After kicking at what I deemed 0% efficiency in the first quarter, Windsor walloped a long range set shot to put us back in front. Haven't seen him do that before, but open to more of it. He might have had another, except Steele's attempt to get the ball to him while standing on his own in the square came in the form of a towering punt which sat in the air long enough that Steven May could've travelled back in time, stayed with the Suns, and turned up to punch it through.
Fritsch got the settler, but our recent inability to win centre clearances nearly came back to haunt again, when it pinged straight down their end, Lever failed to adequately disguise thumping the ball straight over the boundary line. Jed did us, and the hearing community, a solid by missing from the pocket.
The sense of panic that brought us down last week was displayed again when Jefferson marked just outside his range with 20 seconds left, had his rushed attempt at a pass (?) or shot (?) smothered, and watched the ball go the other way for the Suns to have a shot after the siren. For the second week in a row it was certainly not Jefferson's day, but we still shouldn't have let the ball transition so effortlessly down the other end.
If Jefferson made a four course meal of his chance because he was worried about not being allowed to improve his angle, he'd have been crestfallen watching our alleged future friend Bailey Humphrey (crazy name, crazy guy?) deviate via the carpark during his run-up. Apparently that rule has gone the way of dissent, but compared to some of the NQR served up in the second half, it was practically normal. We had no grounds for complaint about conceding after having the ball under control 100 metres away just seconds earlier, but this was ridiculous.
I'll give the umpires some leeway for trying to spot infringements in the heat of the moment (keep that in mind for the second half), but this was an open/shut, left/right case of rorting the angles to wind up for a longer kick. On the off chance that Humphrey joins us next year instead of the Judd/Houston/Derksen 'Sure Thing' club, I hope this goal inspires him to do great things. Otherwise, it was just negligent umpiring. Probably from the same person who could barely throw the ball high enough to clear Gawn's head, reducing the advantage in ruck contests from being massive.
The start of the third quarter was all about us doing a replay of last week and feeding the opposition endless chances with horrible attempts to move the ball forward. Luckily Gold Coast are not Geelong, and after slaughtering multiple chances, it took a free kick right in front after Gawn may very well have handballed to get them on the board. The great man took this extremely poorly, and even though the dissent rule died before running off your line, a 50 wasn't required for them to kick it. It was the second time Max had done his block for the afternoon, following some random ruck free in the first half.
Things were looking a bit suspect, so thanks very much to the dickhead who took it on himself to hang shit on Gawn for this. After what had been a solid captain's game, he turned into Mad Max, sticking the team on his shoulders and getting us over the line. At this time, I'd like to express my fondness for his cameo appearances in defence, taking enormous marks at full extension to get us out of trouble. What a man. There is nothing left to say about how good he is, this far into a career that's had more disappointments than glory.
Petty cancelled that goal out, before they got another free plucked straight from the anus at the top of the square. Umpires and all that, but any danger of not letting them get the ball down there so much in the first place? Even while watching on delay, I could sense people blaming the frees for a shock loss as a convenient way to ignore a shizen performance. See, for example, any of about 75 missed handballs around this time.
Just when it looked like the Suns had regained the will to live, we battled back to provide them a much-needed excuse to fold tent for the 10th consecutive week. After goals to Laurie and Sharp, Fitzgerald got his second, recovering from a kick to Steele in the lead-up being declared 'not 15' after travelling about 25 metres. Things were looking up, even if constant commentary references to the live ladder were not helpful. Nor was Jiath leaning into his New Sam Frost role by botching an optimistic kick across defence. NSF then gave away a free for the next goal, but in this case he was arguably unlucky that the Suns player fell into his arm after initially colliding with a teammate.
Enter van Rooyen, back at the ground where he spoiled that bloke into unconsciousness a few years ago, to keep us within a goal at the last break. For some reason, this prompted Touk Miller to hang shit on Bailey Fritsch's lovely hair. I hadn't even finished thinking about how one-sided a discussion of their great finals performances would be when we got the ball out of the middle to Petty for a kick after the siren. NOW the umpire decided to have a word with him about going off the line, because consistency is at the heart of everything the AFL does. He didn't need it, hammering through his shot from distance, without requiring a scam to improve his chances.
Stiff shit if you'd backed the Suns to be ahead at three quarter time, or were Damien Hardwick. When Gawn was pinched holding the ball earlier he was shown having his biggest release in Queensland since [That's quite enough - Editor], but the fun was starting to run out now, and his expression returned to "Hello Darkness, my old friend" staring into the distance. I'm assuming he had other people with him in the coaches' box, but you never saw any of them. Maybe they were all giving a wide berth in case he lost the plot and started attacking the fittings Clarko-style. They showed him so many times that you even got to appreciate his choice of slimline black ballpoint pen. Which had nothing on the time it was revealed that Goodwin liked the sort of massive texta that's practically impossible to write legibly with.
I thought we'd probably win from here, but even if anyone else in my house gave a rats about footy I wouldn't have dared say it out loud. Prospects of running over the top weren't helped by Howes breaking his arm while landing from a spoil - which is shithouse timing, having established himself as an automatic selection this year. Also not helpful when our injury list is getting out of control. The good news is Chandler and Turner aren't far away, and there's talk of Shock Jack Viney Finals Comeback II, but the last thing we need is to come this far and get diddled by a wave of misfortune to players who have important roles but are practically anonymous to the general public.
JVR took a huge contested mark and made it count by kicking straight, before the administrative free extravaganza continued with an umpire contact free from the centre bounce. Another farcical decision was cancelled by Windsor hitting a bomb on the run, and you sensed we were the better side but were still vulnerable to something stupid happening. Like, for example, mass injuries. With Howes already finished, Petty went off injured as well, which isn't surprising because you're never far from him having some sort of mystery condition. Last week it was wincing after kicking a goal as if his back was about to fall apart, this time it was some sort of random groin complaint.
When Petty reemerged to ride the exercise bike I thought it was the type of token effort you get before a player is next seen wearing a tracksuit and looking glum, but him with the highest 'Odd Scenarios to Games Played' ratio in the game came back to pull down another top mark. He still had to kick it, but any question about his dicky groin playing havoc with the set shot routine was made irrelevant via a 50 against our old academy friend Mac Andrew, which left the kick to be taken from a range where he could've put it through even if the groin was torn in two. I'd like to think the 50 was for dissent, after weeks of our players openly going off their nut about decisions, but the way the umps were going in this game it's more likely they thought he'd run across the mark when nowhere near the play.
There was a brief balance in the raft of wacky decisions when Pickett got a free kick for tripping over his own feet, but the joy of that heist only lasted until Jefferson took a perfectly good, strong contested mark which was taken off him on the basis that the umpire thought his opponent had touched it. Considering how often marks are paid when multiple hands have had a slice of it in the marking contest, this was the sort of decision you know wouldn't get paid in a 'big' game. Poor Jefferson, last week he was thieved out of a run down holding the ball, now this.
By now, I wanted to win for the finals implications AND to prove that you can overcome horrendous decisions if good enough. Not every loss is the fault of Umpiring Roulette; you can still exert superiority over the opposition regardless of them getting six goals to nil from frees. There wouldn't have been many takers for that philosophy if we'd lost. But no need for that, because here's Harvey Langford ghosting towards a contest at the top of the goal square and kicking what turned out to be the sealer.
With the game won, there was still time for the Suns to get another from a free kick. This one was actually there, and with 40 seconds to get two goals I wasn't yet ready to accept we were going to win. But we did, and thank god for that. Even with players dropping like flies and the AFL sooking up about teams resting players in the last round again, our mad campaign rolls on. I still don't see how it can end in ultimate success, but I'm open to having my heart broken while finding out. After taking the 2022/2023 finals exits surprisingly well, I sense that flag anaesthetic has finally worn off and I may die of internal injuries if we're knocked out in a thriller.
2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Jake Bowey
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Bayley Fritsch
1 - Jacob van Rooyen
Apologies to Fitzgerald, Langdon, Lever, McDonald, Petty, Rivers, and Sparrow.
Leaderboard
We're effectively done here, and the only reason I'm not declaring Maximum to be YOUR provisional Jakovich winner is to avoid a potential jinx. The real action is in the Seecamp, which has suddenly become a three-corner contest between Turner, Bowey, and Lever. Fitzgerald holds on to the narrowest possible lead in the Jones.
53 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
36 - Kysaiah Pickett
--- Needs at least two finals ---
29 - Tom Sparrow
--- Needs at least three finals ---
27 - Jack Steele
--- Unlikely without some remarkable, unusual turn of events ---
20 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
19 - Jacob van Rooyen
18 - Jake Bowey
16 - Jake Lever
13 - Ed Langdon
--- Cannot win ---
12 - Harvey Langford
10 - Bayley Fritsch
9 - Kade Chandler, Koltyn Tholstrup
7 - Harrison Petty
6 - Caleb Windsor
4 - Brody Mihocek
2 - Blake Howes, Matthew Jefferson, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Joel Fitzgerald (LEADER: Nathan Jones Rising Star Award)
Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Sharp kicked a good snap in the first quarter, and Windsor's goal on the run was nice, but it must be the Petty megablast after the three quarter time siren. Set the table for the last quarter, and didn't require the umpire to ignore him diverting via the carpark in the leadup. Cross on King's Birthday still leads.
Next week
Win, lose, or draw, you'll have a better idea of our capability for causing September commotion after playing runaway league leader Freo. They beat us easily at their place early in the season, but plenty of water under the bridge since then. Even at the dear old MCG, I'm not expecting any amazing breakthroughs, so will be treating this as a finals pre-season game right up until the bit where it looks like we might win, at which point it will take on all the importance of a Grand Final.
Not much for selection fanatics from a VFL game where the lowly Casey lost to an even lowlier Gold Coast after being five goals up. Taylor was good, so best give him another crack against top opposition before the finals. Otherwise, Kentfield kicked five, but even after two down weeks we have to stick with Jefferson. Kent is an option if required, and I dream of last minute Melksham, but now is not the time for radical changes. With any luck, Round 24 will be.
IN: Taylor + Chandler/Turner if fit
OUT: Howes (inj) - McDonald/Cross if required.
LUCKY: Cross, Jefferson
UNLUCKY: Kentfield, Melksham, L. Pickett
The All-New Bradbury Plan
I'd love to think about the top four, but given that our three nearest opponents are playing Flotsam, Jetsam, and Shitsam next week, let's discuss that again after a shock win over Freo. This week we have three categories:
The possible
Hawthorn d. Brisbane
The unlikely
West Coast d. Collingwood
North Melbourne d. Footscray
The fanciful:
Richmond d. Adelaide
Essendon d. Geelong
+ Sydney to beat up Port Adelaide in a manner that encourages the Power to pull up stumps for the year and let us win without drama the week after. And St Kilda over Carlton to reduce the chances of us getting no benefit from finishing 7th and contributing to the heartwarming Josh Fraser fairytale. And GWS over Gold Coast for draft pick purposes.
Final thoughts
Well, now that we're here, let's just have a massive FO ping at the business end of the season shall we?
