There or thereabouts

There endeth the great MCG run of 2026. Nine wins in a row after starting the season thinking we'd be lucky to get that in total. We'll find out later if it's remembered as the start of something big, a historical curiosity, or a big fat false alarm. What's important, if you're all-in on Melbourne doing something spectacular in 2026, is that this was a missed opportunity to entrench ourselves in the Real Finals race. 

It would be wrong to say we failed the test - this was like scoring 60% when you need 75% to pass. Better than average, getting a lot of things right, but not fully rising to the task. It matters nowt because we didn't get the premiership points, but at least our return to a spotlight game unrelated to a public holiday had enough for both us and the broadcasters to take away for the future. Our last start against Geelong on this ground had the advantage of ending in a win - but other than Fritsch kicking one of the great sealers, the quality of play was the biggest disaster for Channel 7 since that balloon art show.  More importantly, it was the last gasp of our premiership era, as the briefly popular (with me anyway) Goodwin style of defending the opposition to death was about to cave in. 

Despite the result, I suspect we've just seen a much better example of what the future holds. Maybe not. You never know when things will randomly go tits up around here, but enough was done right to offer as much confidence as possible that things are heading in the right direction. There are red flags like attempting to play the footy equivalent of speeding on a wet road while pissed to the eyeballs, but if all goes well, the balance between thrilling (first quarter) and frantic (the rest) ball movement will be found, leading to bountiful profit.

After the 96 point peak of the Hawthorn game, we've been good but not great, but I was open to a prime time statement against the AFL's most unflushable nugget. In the opening minutes, that looked like a serious prospect, as our slice and dice kicks picked the opposition apart, and effortlessly moved the ball from one end to the other. Spoiler - unchallenged movement of ball would continue for the rest of the game, just not in the direction you might have hoped. For now, it was big game feeling/big game football. There was even a reminder of the joy of forward Pickett when he briefly said FO to his tagger, and snapped a ripper. The tagger took this personally, and after a few minutes of unrestricted Pickettry, our man barely featured again.

Our second goal had a less decisive finish, with Steele bursting out of the middle and bombing a kick towards the square which held up just enough for Petty to get a [something below the knee] to it at the last second. He reacted with the guilty expression of somebody not wanting to celebrate too much in case it was taken away on review. But it was not, setting up a two goal lead. Which didn't last long, because in a hint of what was to come x15, their reply goals came on the counter after our attacks failed.

Like Sydney and Adelaide, the common thread to a fun, high scoring (for us) quarter was the result, and the general dying in the arse of our scoring after half time. Forget the end result, it was an improvement on letting North Melbourne have 15 minutes to look like the AFL's equivalent to the 1970 Brazil World Cup side. 

The difference between the first quarter and the rest of the game was that we were still finding marks inside 50. They almost always ended in a score of 0-1 points, but it was better than the numerous -6 point plays set up by either punting it directly to their defenders, or allowing the ball to be rocketed off the ground, and in the opposite direction via any of a dozen players forming an orderly queue stringing from our end to the other goalsquare.

A week after being declared the hottest man in football, van Rooyen was the official spokesman for the whole team's performance. He started the night like a house on fire, with a hand in everything early, before sailing into the Bermuda Triangle once Chris Scott decided he wasn't having any more of our footloose, fancy free footy. They can't all be classics, but in case you're thinking about despairing, I'd like to table evidence in the form of his shit hot squaring kick to set up Tholstrup for one of our rare accurate set shots. I'll take goals from any source, but any chance one of the players without a rubbish song could convert instead?

After missing gettable kicks, we got lucky when Geelong were denied a mark in near-unmissable position due to a hold that was there, but would be missed by umpires most of the time. There was another one right at the end of the quarter where the ball carried the pack, went through, but was called back in similar circumstances. Fans of a club so well looked after that they got a free home ground on the taxpayer coin, and who have basically been a finals fixture for 30 years, carried on like they were the victims of a massive conspiracy, before going on to do what they've done for the majority of that time and beat us comfortably.

In addition to playing victim for both goal-saving free kicks, Lever was the best thing about the first quarter other than the goals. In the absence of Turner, the returning Cooke was learning that you can't play Essendon every week, but Lever was a tremendous presence. Unlike the people who were trying to trade him to North at the end of 2025, I didn't think he was finished after an injury-riddled season, but didn't expect him to be back to his best this year. Can't have many years left, but all hail the MFC's Director of Bomb Disposal in the meantime. May he stay around long enough for us to remember how not to feed rebound attacks to the opposition on a silver platter.  

The first off-the-ball free eventually led to Fritsch marking at the top of the square, courtesy of Harry Sharp taking multiple bounces from the wing and cutting back into the middle of the ground in a fashion that makes you want to punch on about him spending half last year as a sub. One of the most pointless, rambling articles of the year tried to bring up - out of nowhere - how badly treated Goodwin allegedly was last year. My counter-argument to this nonsense would be to hold a lifesize cardboard cutout of Sharp in one hand, and vigorously point at it with the other. I'm not faking outrage by pretending the previous administration cost Sharp the 2025 Brownlow, but it does seem odd to recruit a guy with elite endurance running, then sit him on the bench for 3/4 of every game while the team was screaming for some excitement and dash.

Speaking of dash, what about Pickett (L) flying down the ground, towards an empty forward 50 and having about five bounces when he'd have gotten away with one? End result - no question about being pinged for running too far, but the pressure invited by slowing down to bounce it every few metres meant the kick on the run missed. Usually I'm all about not coaching the instinct out of players, but here's a case where serious anti-instinct coaching is required. No need to turn him into a generic footballing robot, but just dial it back a bit from 'do what you feel' if possible.  

And so, we led by two goals. Which was welcome. But not by the opposition coach, who said "We won't be having any more of that, thanks" and sent his team out to harass the bejesus out of us. The pressure level went through the roof, and we didn't react well, either getting stuck trying to escape the defensive 50 via panic kicks, or finally broke through, only for the attack to die because our key forwards were a non-factor. The second usually led back to the first, and it wasn't just the usual suspects stitching us up. They had two people called Oliver, one who looked like a discount Daicos brother, and the other the lead singer of an early 2000s emo band. And a second game forward who the commentators had such a mighty horn for that they must have bought a share of his future career earnings.     

After practically everybody else on our list missed a set shot in the first quarter, the second finally featured the long-awaited first attempt on goal by a player called Lucas Cook(e). Despite attempts to talk up his previous history as a forward, he shanked buggery out of it and briefly went back to being jumped all over by the bloke who looks like Kryten. Eventually, the mismatch became too much, and he was benched in favour of McSizzle - who had obviously been picked to jointly play the Max Heath 25% of time on ground role AND provide cover for the Turner-less backline. The first option would've meant him playing forward at some point, which was important to any chance I've got of being proven right in claiming that he should've played last year. 

Sadly, the prospect of an intergalactic space robot kicking 14 proved too risky, and it was back to defence for a big night of arguing with umpires. He did save us a goal with a robust appeal that the ball had deflected off his arm, which was proven by the old "they review everything" review. Stupid rule change suggestion corner - incidental contact shouldn't cancel goals. Fair enough if it comes off a hand or a foot, but I'd rather just give the goal like it would've been awarded for 110 years rather than going to VAR levels of holding your joy waiting to see if the ball skidded off the skin of a player's arm. But in this case it saved us, so very good, carry on.

I'm still not convinced we should be so willing to participate in shootouts, so didn't think much of giving goals to Laurie and Petty back cheaply. And then things really started to go downhill, as we stopped scoring, and Geelong were only restrained from doing serious damage by some shithouse goalkicking. After McDonald saved us with his enthusiastic charades earlier, he gave away a free for Neale's fourth by hanging off his arm like he was attempting a kidnapping. Given how dominant he was in the first half, I have no idea how Neale didn't go on to kick 10. So that's something - no matter how minor - to be happy about.

We're capable of piling on a run of surprise goals, but the style of game had turned so far against us that my best hope of getting back into it was injury concerns to Stewart (clutching at shoulder) and Dangerfield (clutching at dick). Then, a last ditch chance to keep the margin down at half time died when another Pickett (L) pissbolt tried to pass to JVR, who wasn't expecting it, and the ball didn't reach him anyway. Not our finest moment, but made worse by Geelong then going the other way under no pressure, and finding a player standing on his own with one second left. This was the key example of difference between the sides - we were in this game, but couldn't keep the ball down our end long enough to stifle and annoy Geelong. I wouldn't rule out winning if we played them again this year, which is no help now as we try to avoid being dragged into a Wildcard Wankfest.

There was no calming down at half time, as we continued to play rattled under pressure. Almost every option taken was the wrong one, and it was only the generosity of the other side that stopped the margin from blowing out. Finally, Fritsch plucked a spoil out of mid-air and snapped to keep it interesting. We got first hands on the following centre bounce and still nearly gave up the reply. Around this time, Shannon Byrnes was shown on the Geelong bench - and if anyone knows about a Melbourne side adrift and unable to make an impact on the opposition... Well, him and about 300 other ex-players, several who are now assistant coaches.

The JVR and Jeffo hot streaks both ended at the same time, but they could only do so much with the blood-dripping butchery of the ball movement coming their way - if it even got past the middle to start with. We were within range of a burst comeback, and were somehow winning the quarter against the tide, but even as the margin remained sanitary, you sensed that Geelong wasn't going to suddenly lose their mind like we had in the second quarter. Our lack of poise was best demonstrated by Pickett (K) fresh-airing the ball while trying to dribble it through an opposition player's legs from an obscure angle while Jefferson stood in the square waiting for the freebie. In another game, the nutmeg works and is on every highlight reel until the end of time. Here, the failure just contributed to the air of panicked retreat.

Pickett's whiff did lead, in a roundabout way, to Langford kicking a delightful set shot from distance/angle, which gave us the only two goals of the quarter. Then another mad turnover wasted the second, and all our backs-to-the-wall effort for the quarter went close to being wiped out in an instant from the centre bounce. To the credit of our lot, they didn't go away, and after a few more wasted chances Fritsch was gifted a goal after two defenders ran into each other. The renewed good times lasted until Langford was knobbed by one of the most administrative 50s ever seen, running too close to a player who had NO IDEA he was there. It was the ultimate in correct application of shit rule.

We had a chance to go into the final quarter with some momentum, but a Gawn megabomb misfired and failed to score, leading to Petty demanding a last touch free kick when the ball was still inside the 50. Mock him for allegedly not knowing the rules, but one day an umpire will lose their mind and pay one.

Considering our shit finishes in recent weeks, I wasn't confident of romping over the top with a big finish. There were a few moments of hope. Pickett (K) latched on to the first bounce of the final term, hammered forward, and despite flubbing the bounce, it ended in a Langdon set shot/goal. Sharp missed the next one, but 11 points with most of the quarter left was suddenly a manageable gap. They had injuries, we had something to prove etc... etc... 

But no, that was as good as it got. Geelong fumbled the ball from one end to the other for a goal and the door was slammed shut with force. The only remaining interest was whether we'd get some sort of lucrative undies sponsorship - original Pickett deliberately plays with his shorts down so you can see his undercrackers, then Chandler's strides were pulled down to reveal a lovely floral number. None of this was to blame for the endless string of shit kicks to nobody's benefit, while the opposition usually had half their side roaming free without anyone in the vicinity. 

Fans of judging players on body language alone will have loved the look on Jefferson's face when he finally got another shot care of a downfield free kick. It went about as well as he expected it to, but on a down night he can at least be happy with a monster chasedown tackle later in the quarter... which went unrewarded when the umpire deemed the Geelong player to have gotten a handball away despite him lobbing it in the air like a slapstick character slipping on a banana peel. Refer previous posts about being sympathetic to umpires but there's got to be some minimum standards of what they see. For god's sake get these ones right or the mad bastards in charge of the game will cut matches to 40 minutes so there's time to video review everything.

Soon enough we were dead, before it was our turn to ruin somebody else's percentage gains by banging on a few cheap and cheerful junk time goals. Petty nearly got five for the night, if not for a review that showed light bumping of ball into post, and it would be rude to focus on the ones that came when the game was over, because he was our only shining light forward all night. I concede that the science has settled on which end he should play at.

After shouldering a mighty load all season, Gawn was clearly not enjoying himself in the dying minutes. A loose handball led to a goal, then he looked like he was about to dismember somebody after giving away his second 'crossing the line' free of the evening at the next bounce, and once the game was confirmed dead, the great man stood still and let an opponent run around him without even putting a token arm out. And if anyone has earned the right to pull out in the dreg minutes of a game, it's the greatest of all time. May the energy he conserved at this time be channelled into carrying us towards a glorious conclusion to the season. 

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jake Lever
4 - Bayley Fritsch
3 - Jack Steele
2 - Koltyn Tholstrup
1 - Harrison Petty

Apologies to Gawn, Sharp, and Sparrow. 

Leaderboard
Four confirmed games left + a maximum of five finals if we're going down the 'making a mockery of the competition' wildcard route. Every week Gawn's lead is unchallenged, the chances of unseating him shrink further. The big news is in the Seecamp, where Lever is roaring towards Turner and setting up a grandstand finish.

48 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
36 - Kysaiah Pickett
29 - Tom Sparrow
--- Needs at least one final ---
27 - Jack Steele
--- Needs at least two finals ---
20 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
18 - Jacob van Rooyen
16 - Jake Lever
--- Needs at least three finals ---
14 - Jake Bowey
13 - Ed Langdon
--- Needs at least three finals ---
12 - Harvey Langford
9 - Kade Chandler
--- Needs at least four finals ---
8 - Bayley Fritsch
--- Come on now ---
7 - Harrison Petty
6 - Koltyn Tholstrup, Caleb Windsor
4 - Brody Mihocek
--- Cannot win under any circumstances ---
2 - Blake Howes, Matthew Jefferson, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Joel Fitzgerald (LEADER: Nathan Jones Rising Star Award)

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
In a demonstration of the state of shambles this page has been in all season, I've only just realised that this feature has been placed after the preview of the following game, which makes no sense. Anyway, apologies to the Langford set shot, but let's give it to Petty for his third sky high snap of the season. Added degree of difficulty points from him suffering a mystery injury while doing it. Cross vs Collingwood remains in front. 

Next week
It's full disarray, Gold Coast, coming off a string of results that would've got a coach not indirectly employed by the AFL sacked. For a game that neutrals will not give two shits about, there's plenty of storylines to consider. The belated reunion with Petracca, the value of first round we've got coming to us increasing every time they lose, and the various real/fake finals implications for both sides. Hardwick obviously hates the wildcard as much as any sensible person, declaring the Suns' season over a couple of weeks ago when they're still a chance of sneaking in via the no dignity door. And if we lose, that door might be looming in our future.

Watching the various struggles of Cooke and McDonald, I just assumed Turner was coming back next week. Having obviously missed the midweek injury reports, it turns out he's done for 1-3 more weeks. Which is dreadful news considering the form he was in, and the obvious gaping hole he left behind on Friday night.

I know Melksham's career energy bar is blinking red, but we need his experience + the mastery of dark arts demonstrated by him shoving a North defender out of the way for somebody to mark last week. After his VFL warm-up, Salem also comes back with the hope of providing veteran calm. And as much as I'm sad about a post-Sizzle future, I'd rather 25% Heath off the bench and we back in Cooke to defend no matter what. Bit risky without Turner or (probably?) Jiath, but it will help if we stop the ball getting inside 50 at the warpiest of speeds.

It's a long time since the anti-football Petracca vs Oliver GC/GWS Grand Final was a realistic option, so how about we do the morally correct thing and rid the competition of this turbulent franchise for another year? 

IN: Heath, Melksham, Salem
OUT: L. Pickett (inj), Laurie, McDonald (omit)
LUCKY: Nil?
UNLUCKY: Nil

The All-New Bradbury Plan
It's been too difficult to do this while there were top four/top six/top 10 calculations in play. Now, I've settled on us aiming to finish at least sixth, so we'll wish ill of other teams on that basis.

Geelong d. Collingwood
Fremantle d. Footscray
North d. Hawthorn
Essendon d. Adelaide

And Port d. GWS/Sydney d. St Kilda as bonus picks for top 10 players. Carlton/Brisbane mostly irrelevant to top 6 plans, so probably better if the Lions win.

Final thoughts
There's still life in this long, weird, but enjoyable season yet. Whether it's enough to sustain us through August - let alone September - is another matter.

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K(ing)

Nothing says 'unexpectedly good season' like sitting comfortably inside the finals race, winning twice as often as losing, but also being a little bit disappointed with conceding meaningless junk time goals. This completed the rare hat-trick of allowing a top team, middle team, and bottom team to all take something from a game they should've gone home miserable about. Enjoy the dignity, we'll console ourselves with 12 premiership points.

Halfway through the first quarter, we were bleeding goals at such a rapid rate that allowing humanitarian scoring late in the last quarter seemed highly unlikely. Our biggest vulnerability in this otherwise blessed season has been allowing quick movement inside 50, there was plenty of that on offer. Lever and Turner made heroic attempts to hold back the tide, but fell victim to the overall 'standing around, staring blankly' role of Hawthorn in Launceston. Our recovery was less explosive, but by virtue of not getting 96 points down in the first place, it achieved the right result without undue stress or worry.

Now that we've won, the obvious highlight of the first quarter was Charlie Spargo doing exactly what you'd expect and having the time of his Arden Street life against us. Charleston has lifetime Premiership player legend status, but I'm reliably informed he's not done much for lots of money at North. Then, 18 games into the year it looked like he'd been holding back for this occasion. Two goals - admittedly one from a free, and another after a belated going-away present shizen turnover - and was in everything. My theory that he's a cherry on top player when your side's going well received a boost when he proceeded to do bugger all for the rest of the game as North were slowly overhauled, and gently put away with the footy equivalent of a perfumed silk pillow held over the face.

Now that you know what happened, it's a source of pride (?) that we corrected course and kept them quiet until the result was sealed, but at the time, they looked on for an enormous score. Once we stemmed the bleeding, things didn't look so bad, but it was hot knife meeting butter for a few minutes. Apparently Jack Darling is still playing, and has been going so long that we've had time to draft another Lucas Cook(e). I choose to treat it as a valuable learning experience now, and even while they were on pace to kick about 48 goals, I was struggling to get outraged due to the expectation that we'll always do something muppetish when starting as favourites.

It wasn't all one way traffic, and there were Pickett family goals amongst the carnage, but nothing to even feign excitement about, because it was otherwise one-way traffic to the left of screen. After the second, Dwayne blew his stack and declared Latrelle "Fists the air!" 'Punches' the air will do fine next time, thanks. Later, Russell rushed to clarify his description of JVR as the "hottest player in the league" by making sure we knew he was talking about footy, just in case you thought he was keen on a spot of Jacob van Rooting.

Last week, we were negligent in not mentioning the spaghetti-armed boundary umpire who couldn't throw the ball in far enough. Either he, or somebody else with malfunctioning upper limbs was back for this game. Your mate Dwayne offered much-needed support for the beleaguered umpiring fraternity by trying to blame the ruckmen for standing too far back, even though every viewer with eyesight could see that the ball had practically been thrown straight up in the air. Could I piff a footy over my head into the exact right spot every time and/or commentate an AFL game? No, and not if I have to call opposition players.

Just when things were looking grim, enter Jefferson, who officially crossed over from 'emerging' to 'promising' in two minutes. We've established that he takes marks, but so far the set shots have been generously described as "a touch dodgy". From the resulting centre bounce, there was a ruck free where neither side had any idea who it was going to, and even Jack Steele nearly stopped mid play-on, waiting for confirmation. Somehow, this ended in another perfect kick for Jefferson, who went back-to-back and left Melbourne fans everywhere collectively saying: "Yes please, I'll have some more of that". 

As we've seen from the up/down career arc of the league's hottest player, just take the signs of promise and don't expect he's going to do this every week. But now we've confirmed he is capable, and he's got every reason to believe in himself, then *rubs hands together in anticipation*.

Those goals got us out of jail, cutting the margin back to what still felt like an undeserved 12 points. Still, now I was open to the prospect of gradually wearing them down across the next three quarters and winning. The phrase TITS UP re-entered the atmosphere after conceding the first. In his 'can't play Richmond' every week comedown game, Fitzgerald saw Pickett (K) dancing around the boundary line and spelunking through tight spaces, thought "I'll give that a go", was caught HTB, and contributed in a roundabout way to us conceding.

If you were worried that goal was going to inspire North to run riot again (hello), I'm pleased to announce it was a false alarm. They only got one more before the game was shot, and that's with Turner going off after a knee to the ribs. In other injury news, we had Pickett going off wiping blood from his mouth, but still stopping for a neighbourly slap of hands with Tom Sparrow on the way off. Bad luck Tom, it means you're now linked by blood as well as flag, and are legally required to sign a contract extension. 

After one of the best games of his career, I'm coming to terms with him definitely leaving at the end of the year. Which is all sorts of shit just as Jack Viney falls apart in multiple ways, and while Steele only has a few years left. Maybe if we'd played him at more than 6.6% of centre bounces last year, they'd have sorted the contract out before the rest of the competition discovered who he was. Maybe it'll end up with Langford going bananas in the middle? 

The tide was on the verge of turning, but not before we were egregiously jibbed out of a 50 when three separate offences were detected. First the North player yelled at the umpire, then he wouldn't give the ball back to Bowey, then finally delivered it as a petulant piff that whistled straight into the fence. I'm sympathetic to umpires not being able to determine whether a kick went 14.9 metres, but would've thought the ball getting lobbed into the fence was a blatant enough misdeed to warrant a ceremonial 50 from the back pocket.

No need to go full "We were rorted" conspiracy though, because the unintentional square-up was what looked a lot like a red-hot holding the ball in front of goal being paid a dangerous tackle. Things turned back in our direction after van Rooyen pulled off the Holy Trinity of a great lead, and a strong contested mark, and an accurate set shot. Like Jefferson in the opening quarter, JVR got another chance straight away. Arguably, the whack around the bonce disguised as an alleged 'spoil' should've ended in a 50 but no. He missed this one, but somehow we were only two goals behind despite having spent the first half holding on for dear life.

Against all good sense and logic, we made half time just four points behind courtesy of Original Recipe Pickett setting up Latrelle's second through midfield rompage. His kick carried the pack and landed in (L)'s arms with back to goal, before he played on with excessive haste, spinning around, and adding the extra degree of difficulty by kicking it on the 'wrong' side for a shot from that distance/angle. For a second, I thought it hit the post and was about to throw the biggest tantrum in recent history. Turns out it just bounced back off the fence, thank god.

Once Sharp put us in front early in the third term, the disappointments of the first half were forgotten. We even got a genuine seven point play when a kick-in was punted straight to Jefferson, who curled home a snap for his third of a career best four. We nearly gave it straight back, saved by a pox North set shot.

As Turner's ribcage exploded again, you won't be surprised to discover that we failed to put the foot down. The end-to-end transition was better, but what chance just cartwheeling away from a side in these circumstances? I was ready to forgive Jefferson for missing a chance at his fourth, even before he pulled down a mark at the back of the pack in the square (assisted by Melksham shoving a North player with vigorous force) and dinked it through from the line. There was nearly a Reverse DemonTime fiasco when they missed a shot with one second left, but overall very nice stuff. If you had any faith in our ability to hold a lead, things were looking up.

When Sparrow got one 20 seconds into the last quarter, there was some absurdly early (but, to be fair, correct) "they can smell victory" presumption from the commentary box. The cynical would say it was just to set up the gag involving Sparrow having a blood nose blocked up. Meanwhile, something in Jiath's leg burst, leaving us two defenders down and with Gawn forced into a cameo defender role. After the siren, he proved his versatility by mediating an argument between Max Heath and Tristan Xerri. Despite spending about 75% of the game on the bench, the death blow was struck by Heath, after plummeting to the ground when pushed semi-forcefully in the back.

After dominating the second half, we gave away a couple of consolations at the end to make the margin less impressive. Considering the injuries, I'm happy just to overcome a difficult start and win comfortably. Like many of our victories this year, it was workmanlike, professional, and won't be remembered next year. Perhaps the most notable incident was this most baffling post-match photo:

Old mates. 🥹 You're forever a '21 premiership player, Spargs. #DemonSpirit pic.twitter.com/VDTRbf1T8F

— Melbourne Demons (@melbournefc) July 18, 2026

Copies are available at the Demon Shop, signed by Jacob van Rooyen, Tom Sparrow, Jake Melksham, Bayley Fritsch, and Ricky Nixon. 

I don't see anything wrong with this - especially because we won - but it doesn't make it any less odd. We've played against Jordon, Jackson, Oliver, and ANB without pausing for a happy memories snap, then all of a sudden, here's a sheepish Spargo roped into posing with a collection of random teammates, half fellow flag winners, one guy who didn't play in the final, and another who wasn't on the list for the greatest day in human civilisation. 

If the tables were reversed, we'd have fans blowing up about it, so it's reassuring to see North fans in their 'Veil of Negativity' era, where it feels like things are going ok but should be better, do their block over something that means stuff all in the grand scheme of things. Tell you what matters - finishing in the top six, and we're well on the way towards that. Seventh to 10th? I'll take it if that's all you're offering.  

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Tom Sparrow
4 - Kysaiah Pickett
3 - Jake Lever
2 - Matthew Jefferson
1 - Jack Steele

Apologies to Bowey, Fritsch, Gawn, Rivers, Tholstrup, and van Rooyen.

Leaderboard
25 home and away votes left, but we're now better than a 99% chance of playing at least one more game, which is nice. There's a heartbeat in the Jako race, with Pickett slashing the gap to two and a half BOGs. You'd still want to be on Maximum to win overall. On that note, there's no point pretending he's provisionally won the Stynes, let's upgrade that to a not-remotely-surprising confirmed victory. Turner remains +1 BOG ahead in the Seecamp, and surprise leader Fitzgerald remains atop the otherwise empty Rising Star field.

48 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
36 - Kysaiah Pickett
29 - Tom Sparrow
24 - Jack Steele
--- Needs at least one final ---
20 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
18 - Jacob van Rooyen
--- Needs at least two finals ---
14 - Jake Bowey
13 - Ed Langdon
--- Needs at least three finals ---
12 - Harvey Langford
11 - Jake Lever
9 - Kade Chandler
--- Needs something ridiculous to happen ---
6 - Harrison Petty, Caleb Windsor
4 - Bayley Fritsch, Brody Mihocek, Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Blake Howes, Matthew Jefferson, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Joel Fitzgerald (LEADER: Nathan Jones Rising Star Award)

Next week
As the Richmond game only gets a top timeslot because of the occasion, Geelong on Friday night is our on merit return to prime time. They made a hundred changes this week and won comfortably anyway, which is no surprise because you couldn't shift these bastards from finals contention with an atomic bomb.

This week, Casey went to Arden Street, the only ground where the timekeeping offering includes milliseconds. In the bits I watched when the AFL website wasn't crashing, there were plenty of decent performances in a win, but nothing outstanding. I was thrilled to see the return of Forward Sizzle. This was either tactical or insurance against Petty's hamstring dissolving. You decide.

Jiath is confirmed cactus for several weeks, and I'm assuming Turner will be rested. I'm all for giving Cooke another go, and Salem didn't do a massive amount but played a full game, so get him back in.

You may instead choose to take the views of somebody who watched the game properly, instead of through a live stream that missed the first four minutes of the last quarter because somebody had either knocked the cord out or just forgot to turn it back on.

I confess to having NFI about the Geelong result. Feels like it'll be the 'loss we had to have', but at the same time, there's a great argument for winning. Which is just the sort of in-depth analysis I know you come here for. 

IN: Cooke, Salem
OUT: Jiath (inj), Turner (inj)
LUCKY: Melksham, Windsor
UNLUCKY: Cross, McDonald

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
The Sharp one? Or Latrelle's turnaround as payback for thinking he'd missed. Either way, Cross vs Collingwood leads.

Final thoughts
More wins, give me all the wins, let me swim through wins like Scrooge McDuck in his vault of money.

Water way to have a good time

Now that the AFL season is one long quest for clickbait, it's harder than ever to find a glamour match. Despite our status as the league's #1 surprise packet, and a sudden ability to score 100 points while not looking overly impressive, this was never going to have neutrals queuing around the block for a ticket. And that's before it pissed down for 75% of the afternoon. 

Even Richmond fans couldn't be bothered, making up a pittance of the alleged 32,000 in attendance. Can't blame them. If you offered three flags in exchange for several years of putrid football afterwards I'd sign before reading the contract, but it would be hard to feign excitement for the long, tedious process of losing to everyone while rebuilding. It was one thing suffering through the depths of the #fistedforever years when there was a half chance of the club carking it before returning to finals, I can't imagine what it's like to go from Dustin Martin et al to an injury-ravaged side that's 25% premiership heroes on their lap of honour, and 75% raw kids with stuff all in the middle.

The good news for newly long-suffering Tigers fans is that if there's any finals contender they could rely on not to heap further misery on their 2-14, worst percentage in the competition season, it was us. At the start of the season I thought we'd wreck a team eventually, but it's been a year of letting the underprivileged down gently. We're now finished with our games against the league's undisputed worst sides and have beaten Richmond x2, West Coast x1 and Essendon x1 without ever going too far over the top. 

Other than the massive Sydney '93 style anomaly of letting one of them win their only game for the year, there's no serious grounds for complaint. In another universe we'd struggle to win four times all season, so I'm grateful/somewhat astonished to be in the frame to make the real finals. Still plenty of action before we know that for sure, but a foothold has been established, and I'm extremely grateful to coaches and players alike for that.

Doesn't mean you'd ever watch the replay of this again. It was a professional win, where we put down brief early resistance to do as expected without over-extension, injuries or suspension. Obviously, I'd love to have piled on 10 goals to nil in the last quarter and cracked the ton but until we get tipped out of some important ladder position by the barest of percentage margins, then a good old fashioned four points will do me nicely.

No matter how far the ledger is tipped in our favour, I've always got a "this could go horribly wrong" feeling. This wasn't helped by first losing Fritsch, then Petty to mystery injuries. Just as the former got back into goalkicking form, and the latter returned to play an important part in our forward line. We shouldn't have needed them against the reigning worst defence in the competition - and didn't - but the panic button part of my brain wanted to believe danger was afoot. That we'd somehow combine reduced forward power and wet weather to lose 58-52 in a reverse of Essendon 2012. It never went close, but you know the only saying about following Melbourne - best to think the worst and be pleasantly surprised.

During the week I annoyed a Richmond fan by accidentally saying Melbourne "Just need to beat the shit teams", and was subject to a lecture about how they're "not shit" but [insert list of excuses]. Sorry but you've won nine games in three seasons, it's best to accept your place in life. Doesn't mean it will be that way forever, but carrying on about promising young players and injuries doesn't detract from the fact that right now your senior coach has a worse win/loss record than Mark Neeld.

I'm not here to solve Richmond's problems, because other than Adem Yze's feelings I don't care, but they're really lacking the Bernie Vince/Daniel Cross/Jordan Lewis style experienced ring-ins from other sides. Yay for having several multiple-time premiership players in the side, but surely they're all depressed by now. They need players with a couple of years left and something to prove to bridge the gap between promising kids and fading veterans. Good luck with that, feel free to keep losing to us twice a year for another few seasons. 

The only thing Outraged Richmond Man got right was saying "van Rooyen will kick goals against us". Though the logic that "he always does" was a bit faulty. By this point I was desperate to escape the conversation so I didn't argue it at the time, even though Petty was the only person I remember kicking anything close to a bag against the Tiges in their declining years. Turned out it was cobblers, unless you stop the clock at 2023, when JVR got seven of his eight previous career goals against Richmond. But he got plenty here, and that's all that mattered.

When van Rooyen beat his opponent all-ends-up for the first mark and goal it looked like he might double his career tally against Richmond in the first half alone. For the first five minutes all the play was at our end, and there was the definite hint of floodgate opening. Before, in a none-more-Melbourne twist, we found ourselves trailing, courtesy of failure to press home advantage. This came via the scrappiest lead-up play to a goal you'll ever see, then a first gamer called 'Peucker' doing his own goal assist by botching a bounce that propelled the ball forward enough to allow him to keep running, regather and kick it. 

We remain vulnerable to quick transition, but I can't take teams succeeding by propelling the ball forward by any means necessary. The positive is that good teams don't play like this, so as long as we make finals it won't be fatal. They should've kept doing this, it was more successful than trying to kick goals properly - at which point Lever/Turner went into Lever/May overdrive and stopped everything. And when ball hit ground off went Bowey in the opposite direction at 100km/h, without an opponent in the vicinity. This was all very nice, but it was telling how much less dangerous we looked whenever Gawn went off. 

Late second ruck entrant Johnson had a crack, as you'd expect from somebody who looks like Nathan Jones' evil twin, but our reliance on Max - even when playing a good but not great game - is... interesting? It's not a bad thing for the 85% of the 100% of games when he's on the ground, but it won't be an earthshaking surprise when eventually our season dies because we concede three goals in three minutes while he's having a rest. You could get away with it here, but there are vastly bigger tests to come.

Meanwhile, the even later late change Jake Melksham is now into the top 10 of oldest players to ever take the field for Melbourne, and after looking half-shot in his previous two appearances, he spent the first quarter launching a bid for the best ever performance by somebody not originally named in the side. He set up van Rooyen's first, kicked two of his own, and was in full 'winding back of clock' mode before not doing a lot more than missing a couple of set shots but it was still very enjoyable. The Hollywood ending of him and May tearfully reuniting on the dais post-flag is finished, but even if he's best relied on as one of the moving parts rather than a single-handed match winner, he could still contribute to surprise finals action.

Otherwise, the first quarter was about as casual as we're ever going to be in opening a game with five goals. It was simply good, solid stuff, quietly shutting the door on a side who deserved to have it slammed in their face. The only real let down was when, after van Rooyen's second, we stormed out of the middle for Jefferson to mark 40 metres out, directly in front for what should've been a double. He missed this, and his next two set shots as well, but I'll take somebody who knows how to get the ball but can't kick straight over a key forward who is accurate but needs to be ball delivered on a first-class silver platter every time. 

The straight kicking will either come with experience and confidence, and until then he's convincing enough in the air that it forces the opposition to pay him attention, instead of all swarming towards JVR whenever the ball goes inside 50. In a Mihocek-less end to the season, playing decoy for the main event and chipping in with goals here could make him an important player at the spicy end of the season. A van Rooyen/Jefferson/Petty tall forward group is the dictionary definition of 'unconventional', but I can see it working - if we can tighten up the crumb when they don't mark it. 

After barging into the 'best player in the universe' conversation, Pickett (K) has been off for a few weeks, and we really need to reintroduce his terrifying, existential threat to defences whenever he has the ball within 60 metres. Otherwise, the small forwards and forward-adjacent players are a bit meh at the moment. Laurie and Pickett (L) aren't making enough chances, Chandler is doing a lot of good work further up the ground, Sharp has slowed down in the last few weeks etc.. etc.. It's not bad that we've got things to improve on at this stage of the year, better than unexpectedly sitting sixth on the ladder after 18 rounds courtesy of absolutely everything going right, with no room for error.

Richmond came out full of excitement for the second quarter, but got stuff all reward for it before the momentum ground to a halt, and Gawn nudged the famous door a little bit closer to shut with the first goal of the term. We missed a few chances to start clobbering their brains out, before Bowey turned up for one of his rare but always appreciated Howitzer blasts from outside 50, then JVR added two at the end. The sense that the Tigers had done their bit and were satisfied to escape without getting thrashed was helped by us immediately cancelling out their only goal of the quarter. Nothing about this was vintage, but it was good enough for where we're at. What about we keep winning in solid but unspectacular fashion, then launch another surprise outburst of bulk scoring in September?

The weather clearly had a sense of humour, because after pissing down at random during the first half, the rain stopped during the half-time break until exactly the point when the players came back after half time. These were not conditions conducive for launching a landslide win, but nor was a hapless opposition likely to wind back a five goal deficit after not kicking that in total during the first half. But even with an opposition 20,000 leagues under the sea compared to last week, the fear of another second half collapse was still active in the darkest corners of my mind. This made no sense, but I can't help who I am.

There was another brief start of quarter rally by the opposition, which came to nothing because they couldn't kick goals for shit. We've all been there, and while I'm sure their players were just happy to not be conceding in bulk at the other end, it's depressing to watch as a fan. Better anyone than us. We ultimately got four goals - and I've seen us kick less in a full game - but the motions were certainly being gone through. I'm glad Jefferson converted his set shot, because he appears to be a 100% confidence player and kicking 0.3 with one OOF may have set him back a year.

In an accurate preview of how the game was going to end, the kid chosen to run for Lego at three quarter time realised there was no way he could lose and walked to victory without breaking a sweat. When JVR kicked his fifth in the opening minute, there was briefly the sense that we might be about to make up for last week by unloading a full (Jacob van) rooting on them, before it turned into us keeping our powder dry for the important stuff, and Richmond attempting to avoid being dragged into a 'sad music' montage on AFL360.

We let them get four consolation goals, which wasn't ideal but hardly anything to keep you awake at night thinking about. The star of the last quarter was Joel Fitzgerald, the man who the word 'coalface' was invented for, who kept racking up possessions left, right and centre. Unless the ex-Williamstownian is miserable about having to drive to Cranbourne all the time, I dare say it won't be long until he'll be getting an extension beyond the standard mid-season draftee contract - especially as Sparrow inches closer to the end of the year, and a lucrative date with free agency, with no sign of a deal.

After becoming the first Melbourne player with back-to-back five goal haul since Jesse Hogan (remember him?) in 2018, the best bit about the final term was van Rooyen equalling his personal best with a sixth. If you prefer your analysis in the format of 'actual', rather than me going entirely off the vibe, here's an explanation of his performance beyond just "look at that guy thrashing some hapless defenders". Featuring a presenter with a very large television, continuously being interrupted by Kayo while trying to make a point. He's stuffed when they start making you watch ads after every unpause, so enjoy it while you can.

Developing as a key forward is all about what strings can you add to the bow.

As a junior, usually the key forwards are levels above their opponent that it doesn’t really matter what sort of ball comes into them, they’ll make it work.

That doesn’t work in the AFL, so… pic.twitter.com/5xkmI8N7LC

— Davisjarra (@davisjarrafooty) July 12, 2026

And, err, that was it. We won the last quarter because Sharp kicked a goal after the siren, and if anyone was disappointed that they had to listen to the Grand Old Flag instead of Sweet Caroline, I challenge you to a fight outside Gate 4.

I don't want to sound blase about a win, because I appreciate them all more than you'll ever know, but this was just another banana skin to be avoided while we wait for the important stuff to begin. I still don't believe our form is sustainable against top sides, but at this point everything is a bonus so all aboard the wild ride and let's hope for something truly silly to happen at the end of the year.

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jake Bowey
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Jake Lever
2 - Daniel Turner
1 - Joel Fitzgerald

Massive apologies to Chandler and Sparrow. Lesser apologies to Gawn, Howes, Jiath, Langdon, Melksham and Steele

Leaderboard
No votes for the top four, but the big news is that we finally have a leader in what can now be revealed - as if it hadn't been given away in a pre-season post nobody read - as the Nathan Jones Rising Star Award. The unprecedented scenario of a mid-season draftee potentially winning has thrown the pre-season betting markets into disarray, but what we know right now is that the dreaded 'NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER' result is off the table. 

The only other interest is in the Seecamp, where Turner both gets votes, and loses ground to the fast finishing Bowey. Otherwise, there's 30 votes left in the Home and Away season + god only knows what to follow. It means the line of doom is snaking up the leaderboard, but also that every week Pickett doesn't gain ground on Gawn, the chances of Max romping to a big win increase. Watch this space.

48 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
32 - Kysaiah Pickett
24 - Tom Sparrow
23 - Jack Steele
20 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
18 - Jacob van Rooyen
--- Needs at least one final ---
14 - Jake Bowey
13 - Ed Langdon
--- Needs at least two finals ---
12 - Harvey Langford
9 - Kade Chandler
8 - Jake Lever
--- Needs at least three finals ---
6 - Harrison Petty, Caleb Windsor
4 - Bayley Fritsch, Brody Mihocek, Koltyn Tholstrup
--- Come on, let's not get silly about this now ---
2 - Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Joel Fitzgerald (LEADER: Nathan Jones Rising Star Award)

Next week
After (eventually) accounting for a contender and an also-ran in consecutive weeks, the task is now to conquer the sort of mid-table mediocrities I thought we'd be this year. It's North Melbourne at Docklands, in a rematch of the Round 2, 2025 game that all but blew the doors off the Simon Goodwin era. At that point you'd have thought they were going to hurtle away from us, but it turned out to be a Gather Round style false alarm. But they are getting better, and even with the odd 20 goal loss randomly thrown in, we'd still want to be better than this week to guard against another surprise.

Didn't see a cracker of the Casey game, where they lost to the locally based VFL club called the Lions care of having their side ransacked to cover our late withdrawals, emergencies, and requirements to play a returning Salem for half a game. No comment on any additions from that game then, I'll just assume Fritsch and Petty were late withdrawals out of caution/quality of opposition, so they can come straight back. Surely they're not going to pick Salem off half a game in the suburbs when he hasn't played since Round 5.

The question of "does Max Heath still play here?" is that he'd got a shoulder injury, so he's not an option for the second ruck, but I'd rather Petty do it 15% of the time and provide a decent threat forward than uninspiring Johnson cameos just because he's got a larger frame. Otherwise, I'm losing confidence in Windsor, but for lack of obvious replacements may as well give him a few more weeks.

We should win, but when has that ever meant anything?

IN: Fritsch, Petty
OUT: Johnson, Laurie (omit)
LUCKY: L. Pickett, Windsor
UNLUCKY: Cross, Henderson

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Not a huge number of top contenders this week, but I like the Melksham one from the boundary that got the party started. Cross retains the lead.

Final thoughts
We're on the verge of being involved in something baffling and crazy this year. I don't think there's enough quality at the bottom end of the team to think about it ending in premiership contention, but anything's better than the sinking feeling of 12 months ago. I'm not yet at the stage of having enough hope that it'll kill me when we lose a final by 1 point, but the lid is starting to bubble.

Best of times/not quite best of times

Despite what Anthony Hudson would have you believe, the sequel is rarely as good as the original. For this reason, I set my expectations for the rematch of our best performance of the season to 'Medium', but when the margin was 96 points halfway through the third quarter, it looked like Godfather II + Lethal Weapon 2 ^ Rocky IV. 

Then, just when you thought it was safe to be happy, the game became a multiplier of every Police Academy movie from Citizens On Patrol onward, as we went uncomfortably close to putting five goals on top of the all-time greatest VFL/AFL collapse, then recovered to win by a margin you'd have wounded yourself to get a slice of before the first bounce. 

This was comfortably one of the stupidest games I've ever seen. It wasn't as important as the 2002 Adelaide final or the 2021 Kardinia Park komeback, and lacked the horrific finishes of Essendon '92/St Kilda '25, but pound-for-pound there's never been a more ridiculous score progression in a Melbourne game than being 111-15 ahead at the 13 minute mark of the third quarter then conceding 12 goals unanswered, to the point where the margin never got close enough to make it really scary, but wasn't far off.

How stupid was it? We've just won a game by 35 points and ended up on the wrong side of this...

Previous most consecutive goals by a losing team (2001 onwards) I think is 3 way tie on 9 between North Melbourne in *that game* vs Essendon; Geelong v Melb in the final round of 2021, and Hawthorn v Melbourne in 2002.

New record is 12.

— Emlyn Breese (@EmlynBreese) July 4, 2026

... and while we can't officially say 'unprecedented', there can't be many other occasions since 1897 where the conditions existed for a team to kick that many goals in a row before losing - and certainly not by this much. Dead set madness, perfectly encapsulating the MFC/Aeroflot experience of unconvincing highs followed by terrifying plummet. But we won, and the opportunity for a mass-Bermuda Triangle job was set up by one of the confirmed all-time great first halves - with a 77 point lead only marginally trailing a 1927 romp against Essendon as the most we've ever led by at the stage of a game. So let what happened at the end of the game not detract too far from that.

'Not going on with it' is in our DNA. The big clash with the Same Olds battle in '27 only saw 10 points added to the margin by the end, and in 1941 a record half-time score of 127 finished with a win of 'just' 40 points. Job done by extracting premiership points from a tricky game and furthering the campaign to play real finals, but I'd really enjoy kicking the piss out of a team one day. For now, let's just get excited by winning 10 games (and counting?) in a season again/Gold Coast spicing up the pre-swapped first round draft pick by being shit.

Even before a game that would've caused the dead to rise, I'm sure you were on edge, wondering if the teased loss of interest in footy before the bye was a one-off, or the first week of the rest of my life. I'm pleased to say that it took until about 1.03pm, but the pre-match elation/dread was back exactly where you'd expect it to be. Things were still a bit ropey mid-week, I'm usually fanging for the teams on Thursday night, but completely forgot to check until the email came out. Possibly because I didn't even know it was Thursday, which is a slightly more worrying symptom than any one-off mid-season footy malaise.

In the week celebrating Hawthorn's 25 years in Launceston, the highlight of the pre-match was Leigh Montagna reading a prepared statement about how the wonderful relationship between club and state with the enthusiasm of a man who had the Tasmanian Premier and Hawthorn CEO holding a gun to either side of his head. Until now, York Park was about the only fringe AFL venue we haven't played at. Ground management is obviously already preparing for a Hawk-less future, because there were Death Valley-style patches of sand at key points around the ground. Probably auditioning for a job at the new stadium if/when it's ever built. 

When you think about the cast of injury replacements and randoms in Hawthorn's side, a six goal win seems perfectly reasonable - if you ignore the insanity that got us there. Apparently, half of Hawthorn's backline was missing, but most of the time that's all you need against us this year - he thought just before we had two players kick five each for the first time in 15 years. 

If at this point in 2024 you'd told me I'd be enthusiastically welcoming Harrison Petty back as the saviour of our forward line my jaw would've dropped out of its socket, but when we started with Pickett (K) kicking OOF, and a pass bouncing off van Rooyen's chest like he was made of trampoline I was ready to get PETTY FORWARD FOREVER tattooed across my forehead. In the end, he was overshadowed by JVR and Fritsch kicking 10 and was one of many players to enter the witness protection program midway through the third quarter but unlike a spew, he is better in than out.

What turned out to be the biggest first half party since the Prime Ministership of Stanley Melbourne (Dees man?) Bruce, started with Fritsch getting his eye in early with one from the boundary line, then Langdon rolling one through from an obscure angle in the pocket to take the clubhouse lead of best ever 'mons goal at York Park. I wasn't getting too excited just yet. The earlier win over Hawthorn that made people roll around on the floor in joy also started with the first two goals, before we humoured them for a bit, ran away with it, then pulled the pin at the end. This had the start, the finish, and the end result in common, but little else.

There were missed opportunities, but at the second opportunity Petty successfully converted over the Copacabana Beach in the left of screen goalsquare. According to Gerard Healy, Petty was back playing "where he made his name". Which is only true if you didn't know who he was before playing in a flag. Healy then called the Hawthorn coach "Neil Mitchell", and does seem like the sort of person who'd love a spot of furious, audio finger-pointing talkback radio.

With Fritsch temporarily off with a farked finger, Jefferson stormed in for a fourth, and I'd have been more excited if we hadn't gone missing after a strong first quarter against Adelaide. Eventually, we'll get to the point where you can believe in a good start. Whether it's this decade or the 2030s is to be determined. Alternatively, get so far in front that even stopping as if shot for the last 1.5 quarters isn't enough to lose.

To nobody's surprise, Hawthorn's first came from somebody associated with the phrase "Hasn't kicked a goal yet this year". Re-enter Jefferson, who has got the marking bit of playing as a forward covered but is still ropey from the set shots. Nevertheless, and allowing for him never being seen again once the opposition turned up, he's showing enough to have won the argument over Kentfield for a spot in our forward line. 

We're not in a place to be wasting set shots yet. But off the back of Gawn ruining his opponent, your friend and mine Jefferson (never, ever JEFFO) set up Laurie, and this was getting quite interesting. See also Pickett (L) getting a questionable free for the Hawthorn player doing a handball while tackled. He considered hanging shit on his opponent before Pickett (K) arrived to tell him to calm down, converted the set shot and it was getting VERY interesting. When (L) spun into a tackle, somehow didn't get pinged for HTB, and Sharp got the seventh goal of the opening quarter straight after I was still thinking "how are we going to stuff this up?"

The underrated highlight of a rampant first quarter where the opposition were reduced to gibbering wrecks was Jiath coming back for a second go at dicking his old team. It rarely works a second time, but he had a shit hot first half before vapourising along with everyone else. 

It's just over a hundred years since Fuchsias d. Mayblooms in the flower derby by a record 141 points, a milestone that nobody celebrated but which looked half a chance of being overrun when the margin was out to +50 before halfway into the second quarter. Apparently, Hawthorn were exiting the lucrative Tasmanian market early. Meanwhile, Gawn was dominating his opponent to a degree not seen since the day he had 82 hitouts in a VFL game. Even after giving away a free, he dropped back and intercepted his opponent's kick.

Between regular reaction shots from Sam Mitchell looking like he was about to strangle someone - highlighted by them blowing a chance to walk into an open goal via sludge handball - this was quality riot running. The goal streaks in the 2021 R23/Prelim/GF were all more consequential, but they came at a time you still thought us capable of such a thing. Even after a season where we've regularly kicked decent scores, I'm still expecting to end games on 8.8.56. Nearly kicking that in back-to-back quarters does not compute.

At 67-8, our win probability was about 99%, but I was still on edge for a humiliating reverse. If we were the -8 I'd expect a 200 point loss, and without having any idea of the absurd finish ahead of us was already clenching up as the commentators started talking about percentage boosting. But at the same time, to make up for our dodgy free in the first quarter, Gawn got robbed out of one 30 metres out directly in front, which led to Hawthorn kicking from exactly the same spot... and missing. Cripes.

Even we couldn't blow a 77 point half time lead, so the question was how much/if any extra misery could be heaped upon the nominal home team. Conceding the first goal after half time wasn't part of Operation Battery, but Sharp got it back quickly, and at first I thought he'd signalled his own goal in the spirit of that Swedish bloke from (OBLIGATORY WORLD CUP REFERENCE!) USA '94 (NOT TO A TOURNAMENT THIS CENTURY!), but it turned out to just a generic double figures-out celebration, which is a bit disappointing.

By the time Van Rooyen got two more, and Pickett (L) his second, we were 96 points ahead by christ. Maybe Trent Rivers was a childhood Hawthorn fan or felt sorry for them, because he gave away a needless 50 from the next bounce to even things out. This kicked off footy's biggest power outage since the Waverley blackout.

You know things are going well when the lead is massive, and you're worried that it's going to become slightly less massive. I didn't expect it to become not massive at all, but despite what happened later, parking Gawn on the bench for 10 minutes was the right thing to do, both for the future of our season and for the humane treatment of his opponent. It did, however, coincide with Hawthorn's survival instincts kicking in, and what looked like 186 South ended with us only winning the third term by a point. Never mind, when you lead by 77 points at the last change, there's never going to be anything to get worried about is there? Turns out that in a game where the teams politely took turns standing around watching the other do as they liked, the extra half a quarter of work came in surprisingly handy.

Enter a last quarter that was baffling and bizarre. When they went straight to the left of screen for a goal in the opening seconds the mood was "Yeah, good luck with that", then after a couple more "It's a shame we've missed the chance to brutalise somebody, but this is still going to be a comfortable win", and by the time it was under 50 points with plenty of time left panic was starting to bubble up. 

It wasn't even like the Docklands Disaster when we occupied all the time St Kilda wasn't scoring by blowing chances to win the game, this was 25 minutes of witches hats coming to life and putting on a training drill. We couldn't get the ball for long enough to calm things down and waste time to protect our 11 goal three quarter time lead.   

I'm not a regular possession heatmap consumer (except when one of the Wagners made the cock and balls shape), but thought the fourth quarter version was worth a look:

So almost all of our limited possessions were desperate, usually failed, attempts to escape defence. Look at that left half forward flank, redefining the concept of 'Starvation Corner'. 

Not featuring anywhere in that graphic, Lever, Pickett (L) or Sharp, who all had zero fourth quarter disposals. Howes, Jefferson, Petty, and Laurie only had one each, which I can believe considering we could barely get hands on the ball while the Hawks went almost unstoppably ballistic.

After not going near it for a half, Chol suddenly had five, they couldn't miss, and it was getting uncomfortably close to SURELY FUCKING NOT territory. I tried convincing myself that there was no possible way that they could keep going in the time available, but when the margin was down to four goals with about as many minutes left, Pickett (K) fumbled the ball after a centre bounce, and Ginnivan was pelting inside 50 my innards nearly dissolved like an Ebola virus patient. 

We've been humiliated in so many different ways over the years that it's hard to find a unique source of misery, but putting several goals on top of the all-time greatest comeback in history would've been something. You'd think Hawthorn was still going to run out of time, but if Ginnivan converted I'm scared to think about how close we'd have gone to confronting the in-game apocalypse. My football life wasn't flashing before my eyes yet, but there was some DEEP clenching going on. If this were Hawksblog I'd be saying "Thanks for the comeback, but maybe don't get 96 points down in the first place?" 

Finally, one of those rare dots on the right of the heatmap - not even enough to generate the slightest hint of red - led to us kicking over the top of the first gamer who had about 10 intercept marks and a spot on the Kingsley waiting list, and for Fritsch to make absolutely sure of winning. Odd that a sealer was required after starting the quarter 77 points up, but that's how we roll - downhill, like a car you're trying to trade-in before it catches fire. 

van Rooyen cashed in on arguably his best game yet with a fifth, and it never got close enough to risk my blood pressure cracking the world record mark, but like Hitler invading Britain and Scully winning a flag with GWS, we can spend the rest of our lives pondering how awful it would've been if worst came to worst. But, until we miss out on a vital ladder position by 0.01%, the most important thing is four premiership points against another team in our neighbourhood on the ladder. 

Let's appreciate the joyful romp of the first half and call the second a 'learning experience'. It was like Clive Palmer building up an enormous fortune, then squandering shitloads of it on dinosaur models, a recreation of the Titanic, and shit election campaigns. He's still rich, we still won the game by a decent margin, and let's hope that's the last time we're connected to the Titanic in any way this season. 

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Tom Sparrow
2 - Bayley Fritsch
1 - Daniel Turner

Apologies to Jiath and Steele.

Leaderboard
Seven home and away games left + god only knows what after that, and it's looking good for back-to-back Max. Turner tightens his grip on the Seecamp, and the Rising Star is edging closer to our first 'No Result' since 2005. The last exciting battle could be the podium race between Sparrow, Steele, Turner, and hopefully van Rooyen - because if he's kicking goals we'll be winning.

48 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
32 - Kysaiah Pickett
24 - Tom Sparrow
23 - Jack Steele
18 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
14 - Jacob van Rooyen
13 - Ed Langdon
12 - Harvey Langford
9 - Jake Bowey, Kade Chandler
--- Needs at least one final ---
6 - Harrison Petty, Caleb Windsor
5 - Jake Lever
4 - Bayley Fritsch, Brody Mihocek, Koltyn Tholstrup
--- Needs at least two finals ---
2 - Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley

Next week
After this, playing a side who should (on paper) be crushed, at a ground we're unbeaten at this year, is either going to end really well, or REALLY BADLY. And hello, here's 17th placed Richmond, turning up at just the point where people are starting to wonder if the rebuild they were whacking off about a year ago is a mirage. We should win this comfortably, but FRO with any talk about margins or percentage. Just get the job done and proceed - unexpectedly - towards September.

I watched half the Casey game then forgot to check the final score. Turns out they blew a lead too. Never mind. Even if I was never impressed by Henderson last year, he was very good here and deserves a chance to show that he was just being weighed down by playing the first five games of his career in a pox side. Johnson was also good, but I don't see a role for him unless one of the forwards is injured. Otherwise, pick a side to get through to the other side with the points - and our spot in the top six - intact.  

IN: Henderson
OUT: Laurie (omit)
LUCKY: Windsor
UNLUCKY: Heath (not sure if still alive) 

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
It has to be the Langdon one from the boundary line that got the party started, though I have rarely appreciated a simple goal in a (relatively) comfortable win than Fritsch from the top of the square in the last quarter. Cross vs Collingwood still leads.

Final thoughts
Nothing to get excited about, just a solid 35 point win over a finals contender.

Mid-Season graft

Maybe it's the lead indicator of a total nervous breakdown, but I had zero enthusiasm for this game in the lead-up, on the day, or until five minutes into the last quarter when we looked a half chance of nicking it, which was about when our strategy was reduced to "hope the Crows spontaneously combust". A hint of smoke was detected, but Adelaide never took the full Mary Reeser Option. After generously leaving the door open for us as long as possible, they had no option but to win.

In our 2026 interstate loss rankings, this shit on Essendon, Fremantle and GWS. I'd argue it was even better than Sydney, because we may have kicked the extremely late-Goodwin era score of 9.8, but defended reasonably. Especially against opposition with a forward line that could have rogered us if we'd let them transmit the ball from one end to the other without challenge. 

I'm not faulting the effort, pressure, five goal first quarter, or still being a chance of winning until midway through the last quarter but as we've discovered in recent years - scoring is an important component of winning. In the unlikely event that we look back on this game in two years and that part of the game has been welded to the big effort, then everyone will be happy. At the moment it's just a middle-of-the-road loss that would've meant a lot more if it was still important to finish 7th rather than 10th.

If you'd AI'ed up a game in February based on my expectations for the season, this is exactly what it would've looked like. Maybe the reason I couldn't get excited was subconscious suspicion that it was all a deepfake swizz that wasn't really happening. Turns out it did count in the premiership standings. That's a shame.

The long-awaited bye is coming at the right time for me. Like a team that's played 15 games without a bye, while Hawthorn has had two. Considering that, and the foul run of injuries to a list that already had questionable depth, we've done remarkably well, no matter where the season goes from here. But given our inability to string goals across the game was what did for us in the end, what was the point of picking Kentfield, then only giving him 29% of game time? Heath didn't play in the VFL, but I assume he was alive and eligible for selection. Kent hasn't set the world on fire since debut, but what's he supposed to do under these circumstances?

The commentators were positively frothing at the prospect of Rankin' Wankin' intersecting with Lick It For Pickett, and didn't have to wait long for half of the equation to get going. Ours never did, having his worst game in years. The local version got the best of a bad bounce, and before you could say "Oh for f..." the Crows were inside 50 and kicking a goal. Somehow this turned into us kicking five goals for the quarter - including three to the every-so-often maligned JVR - and giving us a preview of what might be Steven King's most important long-term import from Geelong, not playing particularly well but still (temporarily) winning.

I'd love to be jaded enough to complain about a five goal quarter, but it did feel against the flow. I appreciate van Rooyen's goals, Sparrow going full-coalface again after a few weeks where the rest of the competition realised who he was, and Gawn taking his opponent to school, but for a game where we were never more than 10 points behind until the dying moments, it never felt like we were really in it. Didn't exclude us from stealing the win, and legging it out of Adelaide in fits of laughter, to the tune of anguished howling from the locals. 

The result was hardly inspiring, but in many ways it was a better outing than the previous week. No fault found in our effort against a good side, but the long search for a reliable avenue to goal continues. I know we kicked 0.6 in the second quarter, but this was an occasion where one point begat the next because we couldn't kick straight. Yes, we'd have got at least as much value if one of them had gone in (unless it led to the opposition kicking nine in reply), and Gawn was getting most of the centre bounce action, but everything about this game screamed PLACEHOLDER, right down to the timeslot and the commentary team. 

A win would've been handy, but now that there's no longer the tension of having to finish in the top half of the competition, you can afford to retain your bundle over random mid-season losses. I was so distracted (including spending 30 minutes on the phone, well into the third quarter - having the fuckers who weren't answering my call regularly interrupting their chintzy on-hold music to either assure me I was 1st in the queue, or that they'd hang up if you were abusive. Which obviously didn't count when the on hold music was playing, because I was alternating between swearing at the game and their false claims) that every time McAndrew was mentioned, I had a moment of wondering why they were talking about Mac Andrew. It was that sort of afternoon.

Despite thinking "just get this over with" from pretty much the first bounce, Jefferson's second goal gave me renewed interest in pinching victory. It wouldn't have been 'undeserved', but neither would you have thought justice had been served. Just as I started to get into it, we didn't kick another goal and went solemnly to our death, like the band on the Titanic as it went under.

For the sake of keeping it interesting, Adelaide didn't look too bothered about putting us away. Their generosity was demonstrated by Taylor Walker offering Pickett the ball after taking a mark. The only problem was that our man wasn't entitled to it, fell for the world's most obvious sting, and gave away a 50. Every positive mention of Walker must legally include this graphic...

... but imagine having a 36-year-old forward with 300+ games who still pulls off schemes like this? I doubt all our key forwards since David Neitz have played 300 games in attack combined.

Our last chance died when a lovely forward move fell apart due to a fumble before it could even be kicked straight down the throat of an Adelaide defender. Apparently the Crows kicked a goal after the siren, and good luck to them, but I'd already given up with 30 seconds left. 

There was some meme-worthy footage of Steven King looking bamboozled - probably pondering if he's the first AFL coach ever to get sued for doing something between appointment and first game - but other than a missed four points that will probably end up causing us to finish 11th and gift the last 'finals' spot to a North Melbourne side with a percentage of 83.6%, no fatal harm done. Pickett won't be that off every week, Petty will be back to (yes, 2025 me, I am saying this) save our forward line, and they've all had a look at how you can conceivably pressure your way into brave away wins without having to score 125 points.

Enjoy the week off, come back recharged for some late season mayhem.

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Tom Sparrow
3 - Jack Steele
2 - Jacob van Rooyen
1 - Kade Chandler

Apologies to Turner and anyone else you want.

Leaderboard
Advantage Max, as he goes +2 BOGs ahead. There are now only 40 home and away votes available, so the dreaded line of non-contention is beginning to swallow the unfortunates. However, there are up to 20 BOG votes available for a wildcard - Grand Final that will make further mockery of the process.  

43 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
32 - Kysaiah Pickett
23 - Jack Steele
21 - Tom Sparrow
17 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
13 - Ed Langdon
12 - Harvey Langford
10 - Jacob van Rooyen
9 - Jake Bowey, Kade Chandler
6 - Harrison Petty, Caleb Windsor
5 - Jake Lever
4 - Brody Mihocek, Koltyn Tholstrup
--- Needs finals to win ---
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley

Next week +1
It's our proper VFL/AFL debut in Launceston. Once we blew a five goal lead in a pre-season game at York Park, and I threw a shoe at somebody else's TV. Tonking Hawthorn the first time around was the highlight of our season to date, but this is probably going to be the Reverse Essendon, where bad result follows good. I feel the season is on the verge of going tits up, but that's my default view, so draw your own conclusions.

You won't be surprised to find out that I didn't see a second of the Casey game. I know they're going to rush Pickett (L) back into the side because a) he kicked four in shit conditions, and b) Melksham has looked fried in consecutive weeks, but let's just have one more week of form-finding in the VFL/losing in the AFL, then commit to him for the rest of the year. Meanwhile, Jiath for McDonald is hardly a straight swap, but I'm keen on trying for a "dick your old side twice in the same year" double.

IN: Heath, Jiath, Petty
OUT: Kentfield, McDonald (omit), (whoever you like) (omit/managed)
LUCKY: Melksham
UNLUCKY: Henderson, L. Pickett

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
The Chandler one in the third quarter. Cross vs Collingwood still leads.

Final thoughts
Let's try again in a few weeks.

Get in. Get points. Get away

In 1975, a bewildered German visitor to England responded to the moose-based shenanigans of a concussed hotel owner by asking, "How ever did they win?" At half time on Saturday, I was equally baffled by an earlier result. Essendon players looked like they just wanted to get the day done before it started pissing down, making their previous romp over us seem like the hallucination of an enthusiastic methamphetamine consumer. 

The fun continued for a minute in the third quarter when they looked like a team begging to be put out of their misery, before the Bombers realised no killer blow was coming and decided to make it interesting. In went the next three goals, and as they lined up for another to bring the margin well within bowel-clenching range, I was haunted by the ghosts of recent fiascos.  

Now that you know the shot missed, and the three goal burst was half of what they kicked for the whole game, things don't seem so bad. In fact, I'm quite satisfied. We survived a five day break, with two debutants - one who took the Disco Turner first game route and departed midway with a head injury - and exceeded the expectation of nervous people (e.g. me) by avoiding two massive cock-ups against the same horrible side in one season. You wouldn't watch a replay, and the second half tapes should be subject to strafing with napalm, but it was exactly what we needed, so no complaints here. Not after it was over anyway.

At the time, my silent, not-so-under-the-breath fuming was gloriously taking place in the happiest place on earth, Row MM of the Ponsford Stand. In a rare event for a Melbourne home game, the tightarses at the MCC offered fans the full seating range, obviously overestimating how many Essendon fans would turn up in the hope of pulling off a comedy double against us. The answer was 'not many', and I don't blame them after seeing this. I know they've got a bigger casualty list than World War I, but other than their five minutes of glory after half time it was about as inspiring as being visited by an Argentinian death squad. No wonder so many of them have developed the ultimate messiah complex and are busy trying to bottle James Hird's emissions so he can be cloned from the DNA and come back to coach them a ninth time in 2076.

Ignoring the part of the season where we ran up the white flag and gave Brad Scott his last win as an AFL coach, this may not have been the most inspiring win you've ever seen, but thank your lucky stars that we've pulled back from the predicted descent into misery and unexpectedly been handed a fun season. I won't say 'anything' could happen from here, because come on, let's be serious, but we could be the ones trudging to our near-inevitable death in every game. Maybe one day in the future that will be the case again, but we've still had more joy this season than the Bombers' last several combined - and without the weird cultish behaviour.

I never thought we were taking this game lightly, certainly not after last time, but if you had to predict which of the sides was going to pick two mid-season draftees 18 days after being plucked from state league obscurity, most would've selected the side that's lost about 96% of its recent games. I know teams have played mid-season picks quicker, and maybe in a set like this, but not usually those with half-serious claims to a top six finish. After toiling for two years for zero games in often putrid sides, I wonder how the original Lucas Cook took to seeing his near namesake Lukas Cooke rolling in from the SANFL, having a couple of warmup games with Casey, then making his league debut. Shame we didn't go further down the name rescue path and have a crack at the Thomas Scully also on offer at the draft.

While attempting to remain as positive as I'm genetically capable of being, I wondered if Dean Solomon would take to the Former Gold Coast Caretaker Coach Derby by citing the double debut - and second gamer Kentfield - in an old-fashioned "You're being disrespected" rev-up. Instead, we got live footage of Simon Madden giving an impassioned plea to the troops, which I thought was a bloody weird thing to broadcast on the screen at our home game, having not realised it was a Neale Daniher tribute thing. It all made more sense when Aaron Davey was shown doing one for our players, especially as he tied it back to the theme more, instead of just doing Generic Inspirational Speech #23.

Speaking of tributes, the pre-match "scan the QR code to vote for your favourite Daniher moment" sat right on the edge of tacky, saved only by them resisting the temptation to whack a sponsor logo on the screen. Of the options provided, his rampant, risky, running down the stairs celebration after rumbling Footscray in 2005 was always going to win. 

I'd like to nominate the time he did a press conference inside a Swedish sauna at Waverley Park. It was the same week Jeff Farmer kicked Goal of the Year (Woewodin against Port was better), and Travis Johnstone said he was pretty excited, so very much a golden era for me.

There was also a community singalong to Mr. Brightside, complete with lyrics about rooting displayed on the big screen. If that becomes a regular feature I'll launch a board challenge. Forget the Caulfield tunnel that will take one month or one year to build, these are the matters we need to be punching on over at board level.  

Other than the big VFL energy we also got from fielding past Casey stalwarts like Cross and Laurie, my other cause for concern was the threat of bucketing rain. Our best part of the previous meeting with Essendon came during the showers, but we were promised typhoon conditions here, and I'm not sure how that fits into the Steven King philosophy of fun and frivolity. We'll have to wait for an answer on that. The damage was done before it started raining, and it didn't start bucketing down until half an hour after the final siren. 

My suspicion that we'll be undone by water is based on absolutely nothing. It's not like we could be any less dangerous in forward 50 marking in a hailstorm, and repeat failures to land snaps between the middle posts during this game weren't representative of the season so far. Basically, I'm just looking for reasons why we won't win, because that makes for even more exciting viewing if (and increasingly, when) it happens. Like, say, Ben McKay being chucked forward because it wasn't really working at the other end, and lining up for his fifth goal in 116 games. 

I'd let Turner and Lever catch my child if the building was on fire, but they're pushing up so high that at one point Lever was a marking target 30 metres out from goal, so anyone has the chance to get on the end of a turnover. The non-Coleman winning McKay was polite enough to hit the post twice, ensuring Kingsley Klub selectors were able to have Saturday night off. He also forgot the last disposal rule existed, and gently tracked a ball over the line so we could get a free kick. Later, somebody with one goal in 41 games had a shot too. Those who enjoyed the random forward careers of Frawley, Rivers, Garland, and two weeks of Troy Davis, would recognise misery years desperation moves like these. It all becomes folklore and legend eventually, once you've stopped losing every week.

Here's some free advice to the Bombers on how to turn it all around. Just recruit a player who turns out to be the greatest ruckman of the modern era/possibly all eras. If we can pull that off, it can happen to anyone. The added bonus is that often that while all around him are faffing about ineffectively, Gawn will take control. Usually this comes in the form of grabbing the ball out of the ruck and hoofing it forward, but more than once this season, it has involved kicking the sort of snap he's got no right to at that size. He's quietly getting within range of his career best goalkicking season. Which is only 16, but the man can't be expected to do everything. If Lance Franklin is the greatest era-adjusted forward of all time, Max's 125 career goals should be adjusted x3 for playing in teams that couldn't create decent forward entries for shit.

That goal was enough to put Essendon back in their box for a while. Sadly, JVR didn't manage another boot-filling haul against the league's unfortunates like the five against West Coast, but he wasn't put off by the minute of applause for Daniher breaking out right in the middle of his set shot routine. I was all for the clapping, but not until the goal was safely tucked away. He did not have a good remainder of the game, to the disappointment of the people who yell "Rooooo" when the ball flies anywhere in his general direction. 

Assuming Mihocek isn't going to do a Kurt Angle and come back to win it all with a broken freaking neck, van Rooyen is going to be massively important if (and it's a gigantic if) we're going to do anything this year. He looks shot for confidence, but there's been no serious challenge to his position from Jefferson or Kentfield, so he'll just have to plough on. Is there an alternate universe where somehow Turner is freed up to play forward again? Probably not, given how well he's going in defence. After one early dropped mark that we'll put down to whirlwind debut nerves, Cooke was starting to give me unrealistic fantasies of freeing Disco up to go down the other end and create havoc - when he went off injured.   

Forget the margin in the cursed previous meeting - most of that came after the will to live disappeared in the last quarter - the biggest problem in that game was keeping them in the game long enough to provide hope. For the metric shitloads of positives this season, our attempts to close the door on shite teams have been ordinary. Like a repeat of West Coast, we had it open at the start, then almost jammed the bastard shut, and let it creak open again, before finally closing it with the sort of force used when trying not to wake a baby. Doors are opening and closing so quickly they could be used to harness electricity, but at this stage of our footballing lives, I'll take wins by any means necessary.

I'd never have believed it in 2024, but Harrison Petty continues to be our best forward. Not necessarily as a goalkicker, but for presence, effort, and contest. Goals help in the overall scheme though, and he got a cheap and cheerful one after being held in a marking contest. It ripped off van Rooyen, who marked the ball in a better position, but Petty converted, so no harm done. I'd like to say that with the other side indiscriminately massacring disposals, that there was no chance of losing but come on. Last time we seemed to have broken them, only to roll out the red carpet and invite them to a comeback.

Once Pickett - who appeared to be playing without an opponent - and Langdon got more goals, the sensible conclusion was that we were going to walk this in. Which is what happened, but not without a few minutes of drama later. For now, we were about to start leaving bulk chances on the table. Maybe if the first went in, Essendon would've kicked the next 30 goals in a row? Probably not. I feel like this was an occasion where it would've been one after another in quick succession. Our problem is when they don't go through, there's every chance of it coming back the other way at turbo speed. For example, a beautiful move through the middle being foiled by a last-ditch spoil, and the next thing you knew, the man listed on Brisbane's whiteboard as "low confidence" was getting the chance to make himself feel better with a goal. 

If we're not going to drop 10 megaton nuclear strikes on inferior sides, the next best option is the Ross Lyon-style pillow-to-the-face suffocation method. After two early goals, including Gawn kicking the cover of a set shot from distance, it was time to start missing close-range snaps galore, usually from the left forward pocket. I choose to take the coach's press conference view that the wind was "swirly". This didn't affect set shots as much, including Rivers doing his own long distance shot - aided, in this case, by three Essendon defenders crashing into each other in slapstick fashion like Larry, Curly, and Moe, to create the space for the ball to cross the line untouched. I'll take it. 

With a near seven goal margin at half time, I could overlook some of the Hollywood moments that crept in. For a bit, it looked like Pickett was going to have 50 possessions thanks to one-twos aided by the opposition not bothering to go within the same area code. Also, hooray for good sportsmanship and respect for legends - but there were people in Outer Mongolia who knew Gawn was coming into this game with a sore shoulder, so after we risked not picking a recognised backup, why wouldn't you put some effort - no matter how half-hearted - into bumping and harassing him? Considering we're the only team they've beaten in a year, Essendon took inspiration from Geelong's all-white jumpers and played under an all-white flag...

... except for those few minutes after half time when the prospect of a TOTAL SHAMBLES was back on the agenda. Fortunately, that was all the fight they had in them, but the score stayed within uncomfortable range for too long. No pressure on a first gamer, but after Cooke departed with busted cheekbone after a clack-clack-clack head knock with two Essendon players, I was on super high alert for McKay kicking eight and being chaired off. Speaking of first gamers, I enjoyed the coalface action provided by Fitzgerald, who had to settle for half the disposals he usually gets in the VFL but didn't look out of place. For those of us who suspect Jack Viney is never coming back, this may not be a straight swap - not until he suffers a raft of foot-related injuries - but it's another win for the mid-season draft.

Meanwhile, our forward line looked to have gone back into the witness protection program, and even when Sparrow dropped a kick right on the line, it took a zany sideways bounce and went through for a point instead. At this point, the game degenerated into a slopfest that would've had neutrals scanning for a Gibraltar/American Samoa World Cup game on the other channel. We were soon back on top in every element other than scoring goals, with surprise calming influence Petty required for a late mark/goal that pushed the gap out to 30 points at the last change - back from 'they could get a roll on here' and into slightly more comfortable 'surely not' territory.  

It was, indeed, 'not', but we still had to endure several minutes of botched attacks at the start of the last quarter before the Bombers finally realised they'd done enough to be avoid being mocked in an AFL360 video package with sad backing music, and let us run out the game in full junk time glory. The cue to pull up stumps was a nice Melksham crumb, after a 251st game that had been about as successful as the 250th where he was injured minutes in. He got a second to make the day look better on paper, but it wasn't exactly the vintage Milkshake display we got on his return earlier in the season.  

And, err, that was it. JVR missed a sitter of a set shot, Petty did a hammy, and Lever deservedly got plaudits for working his arse off to smother what would've been a non-consoling consolation goal. It wasn't pretty, but they beat us by 45, we beat them by 45, so it all balances out in the end. Their win was more 'fun', but only because they've got less to compare it to. 

I'd wish Essendon well in turning things around, but it would be a massive lie.

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Kysaiah Pickett
3 - Ed Langdon 
2 - Daniel Turner
1 - Jack Steele

Apologies to Bowey, Howes, Lever, Petty, Sparrow and Tholstrup.

Leaderboard
With a minimum of nine games left, we are now at the point where anyone below Tholstrup is mathematically stuffed without a real/fake finals campaign. And let's be fair, the major award is only going one of two ways, regardless of how many extra games there are beyond the contractually obligated 23. Even the Seecamp is looking like a Turner walkover, so all the action is still in whether we'll get to crown a Rising Star. I'd have Cross as favourite, but you've also got Fitzgerald, Cooke, Heath, Kentfield, Pickett, and Taylor as eligible, so get amongst it lads. May only require one 'not as bad as everyone else' performance in a pox game to get your name on the honour roll. 

38 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
32 - Kysaiah Pickett
20 - Jack Steele
17 - Tom Sparrow, Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
13 - Ed Langdon
12 - Harvey Langford
9 - Jake Bowey
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
6 - Harrison Petty, Caleb Windsor
5 - Jake Lever
4 - Brody Mihocek, Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley

Next week
If Collingwood got the bye this week, then obviously we wouldn't go more than one extra week, off a five day break, without one? Hah, no. In a competition where Hawthorn has two byes before our first, we're going for an interstate trip. Not much from this game suggests redeeming our 2026 Adelaide Oval experience by beating one of the sides that plays there for a living, but this whole season has been as if decided by dice (I'm sure there was one in the early 90s. Not this, but something more for the ruthlessly nerdy where it came with fixture lists you could fill in as you went) so god only knows what will happen. I suspect an Alice Springs-style reality check - without the accompanying actual cheque - but I'm open to anything crazy happening.

I was intending to be difficult and watch the Casey game instead of Australia at the World Cup, before patriotism got the better of me. When I attempted to watch the last quarter, the stream to my TV which usually works perfectly was buffering like Kayo under heavy sedation. All I know is, Jefferson kicked five before half time, but that I also want Heath as a backup for Gawn, and can't bring myself to turf Melksham after one flat performance, so he's lucky that Petty's mystery late hamstring injury opens the door for him. Not exactly the most fearsome forward line we've ever fielded.

IN: Heath, Jefferson, McDonald
OUT: Cooke, Petty (inj), Kentfield (omit)
LUCKY: Laurie, van Rooyen
UNLUCKY: Henderson, Turkey

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Take your choice of the 2x Gawn nominees. I'll have the snap, because somebody that big shouldn't be able to do such things. One day he'll be literally gawn and it will leave the sort of void in my supporting heart that older people have for Robbie Flower. But there are no favours for legend status here, so Max fails to dislodge Cross vs Collingwood as our season leader.

Final thoughts
There's an alternative universe where the board didn't make a hard decision last year and 2026 isn't nearly as enjoyable as it has been. Is all this going to be sustainable in the future? Buggered if I know, but I'd rather be coming from where we are now than 12 months ago.