Never in doubt

For survivors of the #fistedforever era, Maximum Sizzle 500 didn't need an all-time classic comeback to be considered our wildest milestone game of all time. Sure, it sounds like an IndyCar race, and only happened because Daniel Turner's hand exploded, but consider the career paths of last men standing from the Bailey era, Max Gawn and Tom McDonald, and how unusual it was for them to arrive at 250 games simultaneously.

We put on an idea performance to celebrate these great warriors of the club. It was half fitting tribute to the shambles Melbourne has been in for most of their careers, and half 25/09/2021 style joyous stomping of demoralised opposition. At 1-44, I was thinking about climbing inside the dishwasher, but once you know what happened, what more appropriate game could you ask for? 

If we hadn't pulled off our most numerically spectacular comeback since Freo '08 (even in an empty stadium, Geelong '21 is more important because of what it led to), you'd be hearing more about players turning their arrivals into an NBA-style fashion parade. Only deranged people would think we conceded the first seven goals because players spent more time thinking about what to wear than beating Carlton, but there's a lot of hours in the week that need content, and a lot of people working with article view KPIs. I'm too old to know why Kysaiah Pickett turning up in a jumper that probably cost $700 but made him look like a Wiggle is important, but hopefully it's because players want to wear the Zurich logo as little as possible in protest at their treatment of Angus Brayshaw. We'll see if this gimmick has legs, but for the avoidance of doubt, Zurich can go piss up a Swiss alp.

Our recent history against Carlton has been full of narrow losses, but *cue ominous music* there have also been a couple of near-misses in similar circumstances to this game. In 2020, we were 42-0 up and held on to win by a point, and in 2024, they started 36-0 and likewise hung on like grim death for a one point victory. The fact that we romped home to win the tiebreaker by four goals is a reason to confer the coveted PISS FUNNY status on Sunday, especially with the shots of Carlton fans abandoning their seats and piling out of the MCG as if it was on fire.

The elephant in the room is that you don't get the glory of mowing down a seven goal start without conceding the seven goals to begin with. It's the second week in a row we've failed to turn up at the start of a game, and young players/new coach etc.. etc.. this can't go on. I can take losing (and indeed expect it), but there'll be a week where the other side doesn't conserve themselves (Freo) or take a comedy pratfall into a hole full of toxic waste (Carlton) and will beat us by 120. After 18 months of being shit and boring at the end of the Goodwin era I'm all for the idea of going down swinging now, but there's a dead set rooting in our future if we carry on like this. Can't play Carlton every week.

We'll get to the ball-bursting excitement of the second half later, but our start was so bad that it didn't qualify for the usual 'mass panic' metaphors of people escaping a burning building, or trying to get off a sinking ship. Maybe they'd worked themselves into a frenzy for the milestones, or were trying too hard to correct the half-arsed start that killed us last week, but there was nothing close to system on display. In front of the second biggest home and away crowd between the teams (surely a combination of milestone fever and Carlton fans thinking they were going to see a win), the blundering insanity of the early stages looked like a superclash between University 1914 and Fitzroy 1996. I didn't watch West Coast vs Port Adelaide because why would any neutral, but it can't have been as bad as anything here. 

At first, Carlton was equally inept, but with the advantage of planting the ball in their forward line, leaving us with NFI how to safely get it out. After some of the thankless defensive jobs he's been given over the years McSizzle would've felt right at home desperately trying to clear the ball only for it to come straight back. For the first few minutes he, Lever, and Petty (who responded to last week's controversy by going for the Yordan Letchkov look) did a fair job holding back the tide before things went temporarily tits up.

After we'd given them about six good chances at the opening goal, Carlton finally got one via a pass from somebody whose protective goggles looked like George Costanza accidentally buying ladies' glasses. Then they got another when Cripps said "fuck yo tag" to Tholstrup, both figuratively, and literally, after it was kicked, before going on to do bugger all when the game was on the line to the point where excitable people are now trying to trade him. Bit harsh, but I suppose anything's on the table after a fiasco like this.

For now, they were still flying high, while we were straight back to being pinned in defence and conceded first career goals to two different players. Meanwhile, our first gamer started with a nice mark then nearly handballed over the boundary line. To prove that well-known players could also take advantage of us, Harry McKay recovered from kicking his first shot OOF to convert from their sixth inside 50 mark of the quarter. Meanwhile we were on nil, and had scored a point. Which was, I suppose, better than that 2024 game.

This week we didn't even get a token goal to break up the savagery and went into quarter time 38-1 down. Bring on night games or winter gloom ASAP, because we've been outscored 13.9 - 1.2 in the last two opening terms while kicking into the sun. You didn't need to know we've only come back from larger first quarter deficits three times in history to understand the eyeball-level shit this left us in. On that note, how the hell did we trail Hawthorn by 39 points, concede the first goal of the second quarter, lead at half time and go on to win by 45? VFL360 would've been declaring the Hawks finished as a club after that, shortly before they went on to win a dozen flags.

Everyone's carrying on like Carlton was always going to stuff this up, but when they kicked the first after quarter time I'd have needed CIA Mind Control techniques to be convinced we were a chance of winning. As it turns out, that was actually the Blues wrapping up for the day. It was back to the normal, 50/50 game you expected. The only problem was that we looked spooked and slaughtered a bunch of decent chances to get on the board. There was:

• van Rooyen delivering a lovely kick to Langford in the square, only for him to fumble it through and leave us open to "they've doubled their score LOL ROFL" mockery.
• Mihocek dropping a mark on the lead after his opponent had given up on the chance, then later missing a set shot from right in front
• Pickett (L) putting down a mark directly in front...

... before finally, Langford made up for his earlier spill with 90 seconds left to avoid our first goalless half since as pointed out by kindly anonymous commentator, the 2018 Preliminary Final. Please enjoy the following discredited whinging about an earlier game. that shitbox twilight game against Adelaide in 2009. And if anyone too young to remember that game needs a reminder of what misery really looks like, we were still only 1.6 at three quarter time, ended on 4.10, somehow only lost by 17 points, and only 14,000 people turned up in Round 5. Also, Jared Rivers got fined $2600 for umpire contact, which seems harsh compared to the $1k fines much better paid players get for crashing into umps today.

So, we were seven goals down approaching half time and had just kicked our first goal of the day after nearly an hour of shambles. Imagine this was a home game and Let Me Entertain You played? There should've been a separate vote for what to play in these circumstances. I'll have this thanks. Alternatively, play nothing. Although the concept has had some effect on me, this morning the chemist was playing - for unexplained reasons - Rock The Casbah and it made me pine for JVR goals. Seems unlikely that a song about air strikes in the Middle East would be so popular at the moment but I'm hoping van Rooyen will be inspired by the chance to hear it again and kick six next Sunday.

Now that an unholy beating seemed to be off the agenda, the question was whether we could come out of this with any credit. Final answer - my word yes. But at the time, a four goal loss would've been enough for "if it wasn't for the first quarter..." disclaimers to prevent uncontrolled descent into self-loathing. I didn't expect the opposition to implode after half time when they'd just had a 17 day break. It's one thing if they'd gone off the boil after such a long break and started badly, but when you play a first quarter and a bit like that and should be well rested, against a team that played in hot weather on the other side of the country six days earlier, logic says you should win somewhere between 'easily' and 'by shitloads'. I'm getting the feeling logic no longer applies at Carlton.

Meanwhile, we'd lost Jiath to injury (though the second half suggests he may not have been all that important to the system), and there was a brief suggestion Pickett (L) wouldn't be coming back either, so that all pointed to a slopfest. For a while it looked like the biggest highlight of the second half would be Nick Dal Santo mixing up commodities by complaining about the price of electricity. Why not try running the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas?

It took a few minutes for Langdon to get the first, from exactly the same spot (obviously not at the same ground, no need to write in) as last week, which we nearly gave straight back. Then 45 seconds later we did, which continued to point to an "it could've been worse, but maybe try not going seven goals down to begin with" result. Chandler and Mihocek brought the margin back to four goals, and I started to become moderately invested, until they got one back through Buckets McGovern's brother. 

They missed a couple of chances to kill us off after that, but left the door open for three goals at the end of the quarter. The margin was back to 12, and after being scathing about all the commentary waffle around a potential Carlton collapse earlier in the quarter, I was starting to get interested in the idea. Now, the clamp they had on our ball movement in the first quarter was fully released, and you could see us scoring freely. 

The face of our 'game of two halves' performance was Pickett (K), who tried hard to get something going in the first half but couldn't find a target if they were holding up a flare illuminated by the light of a nuclear bomb. Then, when things opened up he went off his nut. Usually, I take disposal efficiency seriously (more so than hitouts and inside 50s anyway), but this was a case where it says nothing about a player's overall performance. There's no stat to account for the centre clearance where he gathered the ball, fell over in something resembling a combat roll, before getting back up and carrying on like nothing strange had happened. Carlton fans might be inclined to ask where their players were in all this, but let's just assume he'd have escaped their clutches anyway because he's great.

Things went from interesting to very interesting at the start of the last quarter when Paddy Cross kicked a lovely snap to cut the margin to six points. Sure, Culley's handball in the build-up was of the "quick hands" variety, but it was a good finish and reward to the coaches for whatever they took from a statistically average performance in an ordinary VFL result that encouraged them to give him a game. Who knows where his career goes from here, but what a game to debut in after being plucked from obscurity on list deadline day. You play alongside two club legends, one a Hall of Fame certainty, in their milestone game, in front of a big crowd, then kick an important goal as part of a blockbuster comeback. Even if his career never gets any better (and we obviously hope it will), that's a memory you'd still be buzzing about in 2076.

After a good run with unique first names like Kysaiah, Koltyn, and Latrelle, we've already had a Paddy. (Yes, and the Irish people. Not that we trade in stereotypes about... oh, they're doing the dancing again), who also captain/coached Carlton, so who knows whether he'd have been rolling over in his grave over this or not. I was climbing out of mine, having watched the first three quarters sick as a dog but now not feeling any pain at all. The post-siren elation lasted until about 7pm when it all went downhill again, but it was a nice break while it lasted.

Then, just as it looked like Carlton were totally broken and on the verge of collapse, they seemed to steady with two goals and I was back to "Thanks for the comeback, can we not be so shit at the start next time?" sentiment. This turned out to be classic last gasp stuff, because for the rest of the game we went around doing whatever, whenever, wherever, and they couldn't get near us. The centre bounces were the best example of the shift in dominance. Earlier we got nothing from them, now Gawn was getting first touch to everything, Pickett ran riot, Sparrow played his best game in years, and Jack Steele had as many tackles in a game for us as anyone not called Jack Viney. 

That was good, but we still had to come from 20 points down in the last quarter. Which we did, so hooray for that, but it wasn't a given at the time. Official party time commenced with a 'contentious' holding the ball free kick, which morally I don't think should be paid, but by the rules, Carlton Player was caught trying to bustle his way out of traffic instead of disposing of the ball so stiff shit. Fritsch kicked a snap, and by the time Chandler got another holding the ball free (cue some angst in the crowd, surprisingly not exploited by the host broadcaster with NuffyCam cuts to people doing their block), it was back to a point.

Now the game was at a "it's the hope that kills you" stage, and the more pessimistic amongst us probably expected Carlton to pull some ridiculous, barely deserved win out of their arse. Nobody told their players this, and they spent the rest of the game first looking absolutely terrified of what was to come on-field, then off it.

You all know what happens from here, but for the historical record the final outburst of violence included Langford completely wrong-footing an opponent (who was later scalded for not remembering what foot Langford kicks with, which is the analysis version of the tribunal suspending players for not changing direction to avoid a collision in the 0.01 seconds allowed) to put us in front with a snap, then Pickett (K) smashing through an absolute roof-lifter which words will not do justice to so let's all enjoy ourselves by watching it again. Apologies for the interference with this clip which makes it sound like an idiot is yelling over the top.

If you're seeing this face ... it's already too late 😛#AFLBluesDees | #DemonSpirit pic.twitter.com/wZM0PNrWS0

— Melbourne Demons (@melbournefc) March 29, 2026

That is some sort of finish, but credit also to Sharp for the pressure that caused the ball to wind up with him in the first place. There were many benefits to the sub rule being abolished, but it may have saved Harry's career.

Now we were 11 in front, which has proved a cursed position for us before. Never mind, because here's Pickett again, setting up Fritsch for what became the sealer thanks to McKay flubbing a set shot at the other end immediately after. About 10,000 Blues fans missed this let down because they'd charged out of the ground as one after the Fritsch goal. I'm not saying you should never storm out in anger, but for me it would be more humiliating to go in that sort of group than to slink off alone. Gags about the size of our fanbase from opposition fans can be sent to PO Box GAGF, Tehran, Iran.

We were promised more fun this year, and I'd rather it not take the form of running down seven goal leads again but you can't deny this was good stuff. The fact that it wasn't even close in the end makes the result even funnier.

I don't make a habit of feeling bad for opposition coaches, but watching Michael Voss on the sidelines in the second half was like seeing somebody appearing at a Stalinist show trial. We know what it's like when a coach has hit the point of no return and would quit if it didn't cost him millions of dollars, but the difference is that ours delivered a flag first, and hadn't come back from the brink of being sacked multiple times in recent years. I imagine he'd have struggled to put on a brave face when saying hello to the receptionist on his way into Princes Park after this. The only person who had a worse Monday was Dezi Freeman, and he doesn't have to back up and do it all again five days later.

We don't play the Blues again this year so my interest in who's coaching them by Round 24 is zero, but imagine being a three time premiership player, Brownlow Medal winner, Hall of Famer etc... etc... and putting up with these absolute nuffy fans. The worst we got was some nuffy doing a wildly misfiring gag about waiting for Goodwin in the carpark and Chris From Camberwell going 101% helium on SEN. 

I'd be more scathing of the fans filming themselves screaming at f'ing players to take off the f'ing jumper if our more knobbish element hadn't done the same last year, but the old "you don't deserve to wear the jumper" angle is a bit weird coming from cockroaches over the fence whose main contribution is buying a membership and a hat. I'm well beyond berating professional athletes at the best of times, but let's keep it realistic. If it turns out the voices in the video were Sticks Kernahan and Jezza they might have the authority to decide who's worthy of the jumper, but otherwise that sort of carry-on is strictly for defeated men who are going to vote One Nation in protest at no longer being allowed to play Kevin Bloody Wilson albums in front of the kids.

We'll assume the abuse wasn't coming from the Carlton Past Players' Association, but one of the competing clubs had a lot of exes enjoying a lovely time. Certainly before the game, and after half time anyway. The added bonus to the milestones was some great historical content (and I'm clearly biased, but for mine the Gawn/McDonald chat was the best digital media we've ever done), including a wide variety of well-known faces going off their collective tits at the end.

An iconic crew ❤️ 💙 Former Demons reunited for a memorable day at the 'G celebrating #TMAX500 pic.twitter.com/ixKoJPIzcn

— Melbourne Demons (@melbournefc) March 30, 2026 

Meanwhile, thoughts and prayers for this lady, who clearly didn't expect to be seated next to a dozen ex-MFC players on the cans as her team sank without a trace. She might be trying to hear post-goal analysis on the radio, but is more likely blocking out the noise of a returning Jayden Hunt going boonta.

The AFLPA would've had their emergency counselling team storming towards the MCG at half time, but the end result was great, and a GIF of Excited Jack Watts at the end would be in handy for dozens of scenarios. 

The key phrase in footy is 'All's well that ends well', even if there's still plenty of work in our future. But for the purposes of handing the Big Embarrassing Collapse baton over to another team, and collecting four premiership points, it's job done and thank you very much for the opposition for carking just when the script said to.

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Max Gawn
3 - Tom Sparrow
2 - Bayley Fritsch
1 - Jake Lever

Apologies to Chandler, McDonald and Steele.

Leaderboard
The pre-season favourite arrives and instantly jumps into second place, but still finds himself nearly three BOG behind Gawn. Plenty of time for them to duke it out, and we'd welcome any third party candidates who want to have a ping at the title. Lever is first on the board for the defenders, while we still wait for somebody to open the finally renamed (*CLICKBAIT ALERT* You'll have to read the linked article to find out, or wait however many weeks for an eligible player to poll)

14 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
5 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Jack Steele, Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Tom Sparrow, Koltyn Tholstrup, Caleb Windsor
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Ed Langdon, Brody Mihocek
1 - Kade Chandler, Jai Culley, Jake Lever (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)

Next week
At about 4pm we were looking at a four digit crowd for Gold Coast on Easter Sunday, without the drawcard of celebrity hamstring victim Christian Petracca coming back to tear us a new one. On Monday morning, Steven King was on the radio saying fans had to come and make the MCG a "cauldron", which will not be compatible with the tightarse MCC shutting Level 4 of both the Southern and Ponsford stands. I'll reluctantly accept one of them given the prospective crowd and a public holiday, but both will make us look shit. You can, however, get a photo with the Easter Bunny at Gate 2, which is bloody generous considering its schedule that day.

I'd love to base prospective changes off VFL form, but after one game in a competition with an even number of teams Casey had a bye. I'm not saying the competition is a farce but... no, that's exactly what I'm saying. Assuming their game goes ahead this week and is not postponed due to a random state game or fuel rationing, I'd like Latrelle Pickett to get the chance to get hands on ball at a lower level. He showed a bit in the second half here, but it doesn't hurt to rotate. 

Based on the same King interview I doubt Heath's getting a game because the prospect of him playing alongside Gawn was described as "at some point this season", but it's not going to stop me calling for it. Otherwise, Rivers comes back for Jiath, Cross gets another go, and we hope for the best. I don't think we'll win, but nor did I think that about five minutes into the second quarter here so you never know.

IN: Rivers, Heath
OUT: Jiath (inj), L. Pickett (omit)
LUCKY: Cross
UNLUCKY: Nil because the VFL is run worse than an illegal tobacco shop post-arson attack.

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Apologies to Cross, Chandler, and Langford, but you can't go past Pickett, K unleashing full misery on Blues fans with that goal from outside 50. Context is always important, so this replaces Pickett, L vs St Kilda as the clubhouse leader for the GOTY.

Final thoughts
Eventually, this season we're going to get the conditions and opposition to play four quarters and something really big is going to happen. At the same time, keep the lid tightly on and recognise the limitations of where we're at. But I'll never say no to the chance of laughing at the misfortune of others.

Standard 'post delayed' notification

There's a post coming but I'm currently sicker than a Carlton second half, so give me a day or so to be upright enough for bulk typing.

Keep an eye on Twitter or Facebook for a link. Send any thoughts on the game via the usual channels and I'll incorporate/shamelessly steal them.

Retro jumper, retro performance

I said this season had a hint of the Baileyball rollercoaster about it, but didn't expect to hit the 'rank, uncompetitive interstate performances' at our first go. It's not worth getting overexcited about, but after the Round 1 win swept questions about our defence under the rug, conceding 14 scoring shots in the opening quarter was a bit of a downer. The margin didn't end up much worse than what it was at quarter time, but that was courtesy of Freo adopting the 'marathon not sprint' philosophy and pulling up at the end instead of disfiguring us. 

Dusting off the old flamehead jumper was good for social media content, and in tribute we burnt like buggery when things turned hot. This was always going to happen at various points during the year, but I hoped we'd hold off until injuries, fatigue, and mental CBF started to take their toll. Despite some excitement last week, I accept that in the early stages of a new coaching regime some performances will be shite.

This big fat reality check was the latest in a series of post-flag traumas inflicted on us by the Dockers, and makes beating them at 0-5 last year look more ridiculous than it did at the time. The only explanation is that they thought victory was in the bag and celebrated by inhaling solvents on the way to the MCG. This was more in the spirit of the dual 2024 maulings, including 20 minutes in the first quarter when we played like hapless villagers escaping an exploding volcano.

It's a flimsy excuse to blame the heat, but there was something in Turner doing his hand midway through the first quarter. Sure, the time he spent on the field was mostly occupied desperately defending against an end wave of attacks, but without him we were cactus. This was an example of how it's not a long way back to 2024-style paint-drying level boredom. Look at van Rooyen, who went from the time of his life to barely going near it, and dropping easy marks when he did. See also Pickett (L), who got a Goal of the Year nomination on debut but couldn't have looked more out of his depth here unless dropped from a helicopter into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. 

There's no need for panic yet, our short term future will include violent mood swings from week to week. However, if we concede 7.7 in the first quarter against Carlton you're welcome to panic. This won't be the last time we're sliced and diced into a million tiny pieces this year, but there will be good times too. The fun is never knowing which version of Melbourne will turn up.

I didn't want to make snap judgements against opposition that went tits up after quarter time last week, but this looked bad very quickly. Freo shifted the ball around practically unchallenged, and we couldn't slow them down. After Steven King's post-sealer antics sent the feelgood factor through the roof last week, this intrusive TV coverage of the coach was less heartwarming. I don't blame him for looking baffled while trying to find answers in what appeared to be a calendar. 

Maybe he was consulting a chart of Perth's sunset times, because we didn't handle the sunny end of the ground very well. As if that made seven goals of difference to the quarter time margin. We were offering such enormous gaps for the opposition to run through that it's hard to think the result would've been different if the game started at 10pm. 

We didn't have many winners, but appropriately, on the night he drew level with Nathan Jones for games captained, Gawn risked spinal damage by trying to carry his badly outmatched team. Jack Steele had a bash in a midfield where everyone else forgot to turn up. We got Steele as a replacement Oliver, now he has to be part replacement Viney, and this was a great cover version of both. He willed himself into our best players with wholehearted effort, despite half the kicks missing a target, and a bunch of panicky inside 50s going nowhere near a marking forward. That's because we didn't have any. 

Everything that went well in attack last week was absent here. If Chandler tried the same kick that diverted through traffic and straight to Mihocek it would've gone the other way and into an open goal before he realised what was happening. And after having the time of his life, JVR handled the ball as if wearing oven gloves full of acid.

About the only highlight of the first quarter was the best set shot Ed Langdon's ever done for us. After an average start, that steadied things for about 15 seconds before the Dockers went back to doing whatever they wanted. The rot was arguably already in place, but it really set in when Pickett (who doesn't have much luck on this ground) flubbed a handball receive and our backline was under siege again. Somewhere during the quarter, said backline lost Turner, leaving us neck deep in shite.

Tholstrup did effectively tag one of their top midfielders, but the problem was the rest of them romping around collecting disposals like a pre-season training drill. Meanwhile we were in full panic mode, trying to get out of trouble via toe-poke kicks off the ground that helped nobody. Cue a shitload of Freo attacks, and our worst first quarter against anyone since conceding 8.6 against GWS in 2017. If you're looking for in-depth coverage of all seven, I'm sure there's a DockerBlog out there somewhere. I was more worried about losing by 130.  

As if further humiliation was required, there was also Patrick Voss mocking Petty with revolutionary insights about hair loss, and the old hyper-masculine "you cried once LOL" beloved by intellectual lightweights everywhere. Voss has the head of somebody who'll eventually do something indescribably stupid and try to justify it with the phrase "It was just a joke bro", so I'd be happy to just roll footage of Petty winning a flag while he was getting sacked by Essendon. The world needs ditch diggers too. Besides, villains are good for football. I only had half an idea who this character was before, now I'm invested in Freo games in the hope he has a string of shockers and/or has to obviously try combating hair loss by applying bull's semen to the scalp. 

To be fair, I did enjoy when he later hoisted Langdon for a vertical suplex and thought for a second about trying to deposit Ed on top of the fence. Maybe the guy currently trailing Brett Voss for industry contribution knows that feuding with Melbourne is the express route to AFL success. Kate Hore's future brother in law - flag, Zorko - flag, the otherwise forgettable Brisbane guy who also hung shit on Petty - flag.

I'm not turning on Freo over this, because I'm fascinated by the most random set of ex-MFC players ever assembled. Oscar McDonald and Corey Wagner played together, but both were gone by the time Luke Jackson turned up, who played one season with Judd McVee, who never met McDonald or Wagner in his life, before legging it. In the unlikely event of Freo winning a flag, I'd like Oscar to be involved so both the McSizzle Brothers have one.

Are there any comparable weird collections of our exes? It was unusual when Port Adelaide tried to win with #fistedforever era icons Barry, Toumpas, Trengove and Watts, but they made more sense as a group. GWS could have a go by adding one of our old players to Bedford, Hogan, and Oliver via the mid-season draft, but to beat the Freo four it would need to be Brian Stynes or Ivor Warne-Smith.

The only hope of getting something out of this game (more likely dignity than premiership points) was Freo turning a great Round 1 start into defeat. And for part of the second quarter, it seemed they might be vulnerable to another spontaneous combustion. We got it back to 25 points, thanks to him from quarter time comprehensively buggering up a two-on-one in front of Freo's goal. 

If we could got to half time with the game the margin that (relatively) close, who knows what would've happened. I'm pretty sure we'd have still lost comfortably, but never found out thanks to conceding two goals late in the quarter and winding up right back where we started from.

The sun was gone after half time, but our phobia of kicking to the left of screen endured. Rivers was so adverse that he stuffed up a handball receive in the middle of the ground (that old move), and allowed Freo to wander into an open goal. The next came via end-to-end counterattack and a big rooting was back on. In an unwelcome throwback to recent years, we got thrashed but only lost the inside 50 count by two. Because the inside 50 count means fark all, and I can't believe we haven't evolved to a stat that appreciates quality over quantity.

Pickett (L) wasn't alone in failing to go on from last week, but we'll take a long term view of this performance and call it a learning experience. His first two kicks were violent shanks, but when he ran onto a loose ball at the top of the 50 it finally appeared we'd get a bit of excitement, only for him to kick it 15.01 metres straight to a defender.

In the interests of avoiding fatigue over a long season, I'm not wasting time on describing what else happened in the third quarter, except Freo kicked another seven goals to one, winning to the last quarter of the Grand Final end of the ground by 14.9 to 2.3. Ouch.

Any more of that in the last quarter and the margin was heading towards triple figures. Justin Longmuir seems like he'd drive 50 in a 60 zone just in case the speed camera is faulty, so I was hoping Freo would slam cue into rack and avoid doing anything risky. Instead, about 20 seconds in Treacy was lining up for his fifth and if I wanted to see a once great organisation being kicked while down I'd have kept watching the South Australian election. After booting them from every angle in the first three quarters, he missed this one from close range and we responded with some of the earliest possible junk time goals. I was not having much fun, but it was better than the high velocity rooting that was on the cards earlier. 

There was still time for slapstick comedy, because it looks like after six years, Jiath is reintroducing Sam Frost style unpredictable, live ferret in your undercrackers, thrills. See, for example, his cross country run around the defensive 50 without thinking about a bounce. 

Unless you were sensible enough to hit the piss at the quarter time, this game was a waste of your Saturday night but it's nothing we haven't seen before. If the follow-up is good, this result will be only remembered by enthusiasts and fans of players acting like arseholes. It was pox but doesn't have to be fatal. To paraphrase paper sales representative Chris Finch, it's one and one, no harm done.

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Jack Steele
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Ed Langdon
1 - Kade Chandler

Apologies to Rivers + Turner for contribution per minutes played. 

Leaderboard
Naming Maximum the provisional winner of the Stynes now would be an invitation for his hamstrings to simultaneously detonate, but it'll be hard to catch him from here. No votes for defenders yet, which is consistent with our backline acting like a screen door on a submarine so far this year. 

10 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
4 - Jack Steele, Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup, Caleb Windsor
2 - Ed Langdon, Brody Mihocek
1 - Kade Chandler, Jai Culley

Next week
It's more Voss related content, this time against the one who actually did something during his playing career. If recent history has taught me anything, we're going to lose to Carlton by the range of 1-9 points, so there's that to look forward to.   

I have no firm views on selection, having only turned on the Casey game at the start of the last quarter and being temporarily thrown off by Jack Billings kicking a goal for Footscray. The game was already lost so there wasn't much value other than outrage that Jason Bennett is reduced to doing Reserves games while some of the biggest buffoons in Australian broadcasting are paid several hundred thousand dollars to talk shite.

Max Heath randomly kicked a snap which further endeared him to me, and for god's sake there's five on the bench now, can we just play him instead of running Gawn into the ground for four quarters per week? Last week I didn't know how to fit him in, but after this showing it'd be nice for Pickett (L) to go to the VFL for a couple of weeks and get his touch by wrecking part-timers. Don't care that it's not even remotely a straight swap. 

If you're worried about our backline, it's not a great sign that Casey conceded 135 points. Could be a long season for them once our depth starts to dry up. As much as I'm in favour of more Jed Adams eventually, McDonald was an emergency for the main game so didn't get any of the 135 on him and can replace Turner. Otherwise, Moniz-Wakefield seems to have done well so he's welcome back for another crack soon.

Who knows what to expect in a game between two sides that do insane things but I'll try and be positive for once and claim we'll win 

IN: Heath, McDonald
OUT: Turner (inj), L. Pickett (omit)
LUCKY: Sparrow
UNLUCKY: Melksham

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
In the retro spirit, let's go all the way back to Ed Langdon's set shot, when we still had high hopes of pinching something from this game. Pickett (L) still the overall leader for his right angle extravaganza in Round 1.

Final thoughts
If this is how we're going to play interstate, start lobbying the AFL to help conserve aviation fuel in these drastic international times by relocating the entire season to Victoria.

Can't Wait To Be King

The first game of the season is the sporting equivalent of storming a beach at Normandy. Sometimes you're the bloke from Saving Private Ryan who gets one in the forehead on arrival, sometimes you survive the initial landing and earn the chance to buy it at a later date. In 2021, we made it to Berlin and found out the action was happening in Vladivostok.

After going from 'so close' to 'so close to sticking your head in the oven' between rounds 1 and 2 last year, I'm not making any long-term predictions based on a single performance. But as an isolated demonstration of what we might expect from the Steven King era it was very enjoyable. Fittingly, it was our highest Round 1 score since also landing 18.12.120 against the Saints on Simon Goodwin's debut in 2017. This was also Jack Steele's debut for St Kilda, so everything's tied in together somehow.

Ross Lyon (who also coached his first game against us, on the night everything went tits up) was doing nautical things in Perth that year, but he'd have shaken his head in dismay at conceding that many points to Melbourne. Ross The Boss had such a comprehensive hold over Melbourne in the #fistedforever years that it took us 14 games to beat him, 15 to kick a triple figure score before losing anyway, and until mid-2019 before winning anywhere other than the Northern Territory. 

While none of that had the slightest influence on what happened in Round 1, 2026, a battle between the Moorabbin Strangler and a team that has made bulk goalkicking look impossible for years was - on paper anyway - interesting. Based on the season to this point, the AFL may have finally achieved its long quest to artificially inflate scoring. The question was whether we could take advantage without shipping 32 goals in reply down the other end. Delightfully, in this case anyway, the answer was yes. I'm still expecting the remaining 22 games to be a rollercoaster ride of epic proportions, but winning before Round 6 is an improvement on last year.

Speaking of rollercoasters, they've been pushed one level down the excitement charts by the Melbourne Football Club Home Game Experience. Somebody did Certificate IV in Crowd Engagement over summer and came back with ideas. Like having individual goal songs for players, but a different tune after the first goal of each game. With a massive 433 votes were cast, the winner was Let Me Entertain You. Which seems like a good idea until it's played when the other side already has eight goals. As for the individual songs, Oscar Berry allegedly chose Dora The Explorer which is either treating this concept with the respect it deserves, or a hazing ritual by teammates.

We're told kids will like it. Kids also like sticking forks in light sockets and making Rice Bubbles on your kitchen tiles. Does any of this really matter? Probably not, but I'd like to see evidence that this stuff attracts and retains fans more than just having a good side, otherwise we're working off the vibe that people are entertained by 1997 Robbie Williams songs. It seems to go down well in Brisbane, but they've also just won two flags. What happens if you're shit? Do they keep playing the songs during thrashings? Imagine a dark day when we're 89 points down with eight seconds to go in the last quarter, kick the least consoling consolation goal of all time and peppy music blares out across a mostly empty ground. Hopefully, the MCC's resident DJ has the authority to shut down Winamp if things get grim.

I'm not the target market for three hours of sonic assault, but I'll reluctantly assume there's some logic behind it. What really turned me off was the CEO turning up in the papers to spruik it, as if people who read The Age were going to be impressed. The vom bag was officially deployed at the suggestion that we're emulating basketball's all-important "two hours of entertainment whiplash". Look how well that worked for [insert enormous list of failed NBL franchises]. This is the worst media moment for our administration since the 2017 New York Yankees debacle, especially when they went to all that trouble, then the smug plonker writing the story opens it with cheeseboard gags. 

As far as minnow behaviour goes, it's like Equatorial Guinea putting out a press release promoting the colour of their Olympic uniforms. Hopefully it roped in somebody who likes loud noises to replace me. I was already cranky after finding out Level 4 of the Ponsford was closed for Round 1 (Might run for the board just to complain about this in the candidate statements), before reading that article put me right off. Usually I'll do whatever it takes to get to the first home game, but couldn't be arsed going through the 312 steps required to get there and listen to 100% Stadium Hits Volume 8. 

Stiff shit for missing out on a memorable win because of political protest, but they've got my membership money - including the all-important/mostly futile Grand Final ticket guarantee - so I stayed home with a clear conscience and had a mostly enjoyable time with one of the most sensible broadcast teams Fox Footy has ever had. Until they do the right thing and rescue Jason Bennett, give me Matt Hill and Corbin Middlemas over a shrieking lunatic on Channel 7 anytime. It's a shame all the 'official' highlights are poisoned for all eternity by being taken from the Seven coverage.

The best thing about this game was turning up properly equipped for what qualifies under modern standards as a shootout. In our glory era we'd have won 70-60, and I'd have been happy, but it's nice to take advantage of the limited time when new rules are helping scoring before the coaches all say "Alright, enough of that", and games return to normal. During the week I started to get spam comments from some eastern mystic who promised reunions with long lost loved ones through the power of spellcasting. I thought of writing back and ordering peak Steven May. That might come in handy later, but was not required here. We rose to the challenge, kicked our highest score against Lyon in nearly 20 seasons, and found that it helped to give van Rooyen a proper key forward friend.

I know you can't pull experienced key forwards off the shelf, and they did make half-baked attempts to get Joe Daniher or Taylor Walker last year, but put the equivalent of Brodie Mihocek in our forward line 12 months ago maybe a year of JVR's development doesn't go up in flames. As an added bonus, it meant Petty could go back where he belongs and start building a long-term partnership with Turner. I sensed disaster when we only picked one ruckman, but more of my 2025 dreams came true a year late when Petty was used as the backup instead. I suppose the argument against using a backman as second ruck is that it throws the defensive matchups out, but here's van Rooyen's performance being enough to convince them to leave him down there for good.

This year, there was no false alarm goal 11 seconds into Round 1. Instead, we had Jack Steele flushing out the nerves of playing against his old side by kicking the ball straight to one of them. He'd have been lucky to find an old teammate considering the cavalcade of randoms who've joined the Saints this year. I don't wish their club any specific harm, but they've stuffed so much money into the top end of the team it'll be interesting to see what happens by the end of the year. Hopefully for them, a reserves team losing to Casey by 100 in a practice match isn't a reflection on the available depth. We don't play them again, so none of this is our concern.

I've had enough of hearing about how we cocked up that game, so turned on the coverage 10 minutes late to avoid the inevitable video package of us melting down like Chernobyl. Which was, for unclear reasons, played at half time instead. Never mind because you'll never guess which St Kilda player kicked the first goal, which made it three in a row dating back to last year and the slowest hat trick ever recorded. 

This led to the one flaw of the otherwise sensible commentary team, going on about that bloody game at every opportunity, as if we've been permanently scarred by it. Saints fans (who must recognise a real permanently scarring result when they see it) should cherish that remarkable comeback until the day they croak, but I don't know any Melbourne fan who really cares. I'm not for the attempts to reclaim it as a comedy subject just because Jack Viney got three Brownlow votes, but beyond being victims of yet another embarrassing record it's a blip. 

Pre-flag, 186 was haunting because it blew the place up, and the previous champion has only stayed with me for 30+ years because it was the first disastrous result after I'd come out of 1991 absolutely gagging for the 'mons. The Docklands Debacle was humiliating, but if we had to cock-up a dead rubber to prompt important change at the top, I'm not going to consider boiling myself in oil every time it's mentioned. Which, after this, it need not be again. By the media anyway, I reserve the right to discuss it in the proper historical context. And I'll give you one guess what was going through my mind when we couldn't put them away in the last quarter.

Before van Rooyen turned into van Rooting, he set up Windsor's to swoop in for the first goal via inside 50 ruckwork. Never said he shouldn't do it under any circumstances, just not when the stoppage could lead to a 15 metre kick he may get on the end of. I presume they played firstgoal.mp3, not windsor.mp3 because fans who'd turned up for the spectacle didn't set the seats on fire. Just don't accidentally hit windsor-mountbatten.mp3 or we'll be implicated in something terrible.

I did, as commanded, let it entertain me. For about 15 seconds before the Saints canceled it out after batting the ball around their forward line like the Dream Team in Barcelona. Turns out Liam Ryan was part of St Kilda panic buying experienced players like TP during COVID. To nobody's surprise, Lever was not the right matchup for him. Ryan later injured himself taking a huge 'mark' that he never even remotely controlled, and spent the rest of the game looking crocked, so that was handy for us.  

Traditionally it's a good idea to play medium forwards galore against Melbourne (if only out of necessity because your best key forward is more fragile than a Ming vase), but they had the misfortune of running into us on a day we could cover whatever they scored. Say what you like about May, but if watching he'd have been going "Where the fark was this?" after about 15 losses in recent years where we kept the opposition to bugger all, but replied with slightly less than bugger all.

Early on, we looked loose as a goose when the ball went inside 50. The main defenders came good, and had some top moments later but for all the good that came out of this result I wonder how they'll go if the ball is coming towards them at warp speed. That might be the payoff for more open attack, but suggests you'll read "[Team X] kicked eight goals with reply in a blistering second quarter onslaught" at some stage this season.

That goal was followed by another that may have come off Salem's boot, but because they didn't call for a proper replay it survived the express post-goal review. There was no doubting the next one, which was called a goal but shown to have hit the post. This led to David King questioning the goal umpire's competence and hopefully getting sued. It's a good thing we got away with this one, because it came from the first blood-pressure affecting shit free of the season and would've left us three goals down. 

As would their next miss, which inadvertently helped us get going. Jiath and Mihocek welcomed themselves with a lovely kick to and block for van Rooyen respectively, the crowd engaged itself by saying "Roooooo" without having to be told, and he put it through. They looked much more dangerous going forward, but that counted for nothing when JVR got his second straight after. It came via an odd moment when Pickett (L) was tackled with all the prior opportunity in the world but somehow escaped to set up the goal. It probably wasn't technically holding the ball because the tackler let go before Latrelle (never ever 'Trelly', 'Lelly' or similar) dropped to a knee but you'd be howling if it happened at the other end.

The early returns in the Gawn vs Moneybags ruck duel were even, before Max got angry after copping a poke in the eye. At first, when he went down like a sack of the finest substance known to man, I thought it was a bit early in the season for taking what we're now free to admit was an Oliver vs West Coast style dive. Whether it warranted the full plummet is for somebody else to argue, but it fired him up to a great performance so make like the Pixies and gouge away.

We had chances at the end of the quarter. Sharp hit the post but got bowled over in the process, leading to the umpire asking him if he wanted to take the point or have another kick. Strange question to ask when the only possible time anyone's going to decline is if the point just won the game, or they bring back automatic priority picks. Didn't matter, his set shot hit the same post. I think they're too generous in paying these frees (and there was a one against Petty later that was morally bullshit), but if the contact is bad enough to warrant another shot, shouldn't you get the original point plus the result of the free kick? Seems like a good idea until somebody wins on a seven point play and society collapses.

The same post got another workout when Jack Silvagni did a weird miskick and Turner let rip with a bomb from distance, before the quarter ended with Mihocek following a tremendous lead with a tremendously bad set shot. His next kick was even worse, coming on the half back flank and costing a goal. He'd already shown value with the block for van Rooyen so there was no question of looking for the receipt, and for the rest of the game he was "where have you been all my recent life?" levels of good. It started with taking a difficult bouncing ball, spinning away from goal, then snapping it through.

This begat Langford setting up van Rooyen's third, before Pickett (L) did one of the more exciting debut goals you'll ever see:

LATRELLE PICKETT'S FIRST AFL GOAL WAS SIMPLY REMARKABLE 🔥#AFLDeesSaints pic.twitter.com/3kC9ZSWuCL

— AFL (@AFL) March 15, 2026

It's quite extraordinary. He got to the boundary line with no opponents nearby, then hit the turbo button to go through them at right angles. Has anyone ever cut across a field like that before a snap? In all the excitement, let's not forget Gawn's overhead handball, the clearing kick by Jiath's, and Tholstrup stuffing it down Pickett's throat. This is actual matchday entertainment, not flashing LED lights and snippets of Fatman Scoop. At the risk of being cancelled, I thought the Mason Wood one where he gathered and didn't break stride before kicking was 'better', but in the same way an arthouse Swedish film is 'better' than a Hollywood blockbuster. Latrelle's was pure box office and the other will probably never be seen again.

Other than that, his debut was good enough without being spectacular. It did include the world record (post-1999 anyway) for most bounces on debut with six, which was almost one per possession. Boffins will know how many people have had more bounces than possessions, but good luck beating Heath Shaw's 19/15 in 2009. That was clearly a glory era for bouncing, because just when you think you know all the negative stats we've been associated with, guess who facilitated Nathan Bock's record 20 in a game? The closest Melbourne player I can find to a 1:1 ratio with the investigation time available was Pickett (B) at 11/15. 

If you ever wonder why these posts take so long to come out, it's usually because I'm manually looking up some obscure stat. Like how this was our first six bounce game since Jayden Hunt in the infamous R23, 2017 disaster. And how our top bouncers in 2022 and 2023 only had eight for the season. That didn't stop us being good in those years (finals excluded), but it's a fair old change in philosophy. We'll see what happens when the opposition know what to expect, but after our spiral into on-field boredom over the last two years I'll take any sort of excitement and flair on offer. I don't know if we're good, but we're certainly interesting.

Sensible investors bought stock in Mihocek after his flub early in the second quarter, because I don't care if Chandler meant to kick it to him in the middle of a Shanghai traffic jam, he took the sort of mark we've been crying out for over the last two years. Unfortunately, the wide open nature of the game meant this was followed by two St Kilda goals. After flailing early with the difficult task of playing as a defender on Wanganeen-Milera, Tholstrup got better, but missed a sitter that would've come in handy. Serves him right for picking the worst song ever recorded as his goal music. 

The kick from Culley that set him up deserved better, and I'd like to officially announce I'm going all-in and declaring him my favourite player. Tom McSizzle has given us great service since he used to indulge my Twitter gimmicks in the wild west early days of the medium, but even he'd understand the lure of Culleymania. Yes, I am aware Max Gawn exists, but picking our all-time greatest player is lazier than growing up and deciding to go for Collingwood because everyone else does. 

Never thought I'd hitch my wagon to somebody named Jai but here we are. Apologies to him in advance for any misfortune that befalls him as a result of this affiliation. The busted arm came first, you can't hold me responsible. I do like how it's left him doing a reverse Adem Yze - instead of having semi-long sleeves from shouder to elbow, he's got the medical one going the other way. Like Purcell and Kentfield's medical devices before him, I say keep it on even after it's no longer required. It'll be the most memorable footy accessory since Phil Narkle's stack hat.

After Culley was ripped off out of credit by Tholstrup's shank, he did one that cost Petty a spot in the highlights with a missed set shot. Culley never got the chance to miss without Petty running back with the flight against two forwards and beating them both. It was the lesser seen five point turnaround. Would've helped settle the nerves going into half time, especially after JVR had just hoofed through his fifth from outside 50. There was loose half time talk on TV about how no Melbourne player had kicked double figures since Garry Lyon in 1994 and van Rooyen proceeded to not go near it for a quarter. Still, it was a quality performance and hopefully his confidence is sky high because now he's broken cover they'll be coming for him from every direction.

Things were going better than expected, but the margin was only two points, and now we were in the mix to win there was no longer tolerance for the honourable loss I'd have reluctantly taken before the first bounce. So no arguments when a Gawn/Pickett (K) centre bounce masterclass set up Chandler 10 seconds into the third quarter. He missed, and by the time I looked up the Saints were down the other end kicking a goal. Then they got another via a player who looked like a Football Manager regen and I thought we might be able to go under. Apparently not, and five goals later we were back in front at three quarter time.

This may have been the first quarter we've been involved in for ages that the AFL could send to the international market as a good example of the game. Nobody overseas would care, but it was a rare case of a Melbourne game with two clubs playing high scoring, attractive, open football. I'd like to think somebody would be watching in the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg and say, "yeah, but why's nobody sitting at the top of that stand behind the goals?"

With the lead regularly swinging back and forth, Mihocek and Culley got goals while the Saints were wasting chances all over the place - including one otherwise perfect pass that bounced off a player's chest like he was made of trampoline. This opened the door for Chandler and Steele to make it an 11 point game. In in the spirit of the quarter we quickly turned that into a one point deficit. But enter Pickett (K) with one of his casual snaps around the corner, which wouldn't have worked had anybody bothered to stand on the line. To prove this, he tried the same thing later with players in the way and didn't go close to scoring.

Thanks to Justin Longmuir's diversionary claims that Opening Round was to blame for his side falling to bits, I expected to be overrun in the final term. Then Gawn kicked the first goal, played the entire quarter without a break, and further cemented his status as a legend. It's a waste of cement at this point because only the drunk and/or senile could argue against his status. If I haven't already said it on here, I think he's a better candidate for our best player ever than anyone from the 50s/60s glory era because we've been somewhere between average and rubbish for the majority of his career. 

Ironically, after cracking the shits with unnecessary music, the majority of the last quarter was spent with my kid in the next room running through all the demonstration songs on an electronic keyboard regardless of what was happening in the game. At least she didn't do an interview with The Age about how exciting it was.

After nearly handing the Gawn goal right back I was still bracing for our Freo style collapse when van Rooyen got his sixth. This made up for Culley being touched up to within an inch of his life in a marking contest right in front of goal. If Fritsch went back and had the set shot immediately after, instead of getting excited and botching the opportunity by trying to play on quickly we'd have had a handy gap. Not that you'd trust any Melbourne lead for obvious reasons but it would've helped. 

Especially when our old chum Nasiah kicked the next one. You can imagine the carry on if he led another great victory against us, so thanks to whoever decided to sit him on the bench for half the quarter. Not like they didn't have chances though, I was clenched to the point of producing diamonds when they missed a bunch of shots in the middle of the quarter. 

Enter Culley, whose big mark (note to umpires and Mark of the Year judges - ball actually controlled) ended in a Sharp goal. This may have been the best quarter Sharp has ever played for us. Maybe starting him as sub nine times last year wasn't playing to the strengths of somebody partly recruited for their endurance running? He's still going to be on the fringe of the team, but this was a positive. Less so his choice of Sweet Caroline, which I didn't hate until people started singing along at sports. It happened here, all but ensuring this post-goal shit will be around forever. Just wait until it happens when we're 62 points down. If people still sing along then we're a lost cause and the next step will be infantile call-and-response noises like the Big Bash.

Until my seven point free kick rule is introduced, a margin of 13 in the dying minutes is just enough breathing room to think you should win, even if it's not guaranteed. Hence why it put the fear of god into me when they got it back to seven. That's gettable in seconds, even without reference to previous contests between these teams. Remember the Round 1 against GWS where they got a goal with seconds left, and the siren only just beat Scully booting the ball inside 50 again? It robbed him of a satisfying win after we'd spent the day hanging shit on him in the traditional manner, but I'm sure he was just happy to be playing (for the enormous paycheque).

I was especially nervy because the ball had been pinging out of the middle all day, so there was no guarantee that one goal didn't immediately become another. This despite Gawn leading De Koning around to the point where David King went for his second borderline slanderous comment of the day by suggesting Maximum had not only physically but "mentally" broken his opponent. And he kept going on about it for the rest of the game. I'm fine with the alleged mental breakage, and you can't really claim the comments will diminish your future earnings when you've got a long term contract, but even I thought it was a bit harsh pointing it out repeatedly.

If mental breakage is your thing, feel free to consider my reaction if we'd lost from this point. Last year's collapse was severe, but in such a pointless game that you could only laugh. This time I'd have kicked the TV in. Thanks then to Fritsch, who turned up for the sealer and allowed us to relax until the final siren. Steven King was rightfully elated, and may it be the first of many joyful moments for all of us. He was in charge for two Gold Coast wins as caretaker but the emotion would be intensified x1000 after waiting six months to see how the philosophies you've been trying to teach players are going to turn out in real life. Pretty good based on this, but I'm still a bit worried about how quickly the ball is getting into our defence.

While I still have issues with Simon Goodwin's 2025 campaign, his contribution to all the good stuff that happened before that should be cherished. HOWEVER, it's eye-raising that in the post-match interview, original recipe Pickett talked about the new coach making things "fun" for them again. I don't know if that's just the benefit of a new voice and the enjoyment value will wear off as the season slogs through winter, or whether the place got miserable last year beyond the normal levels you'd expect from a team crash landing after a (relative) glory era. 

The impulsive part of my brain is fanging for an in-depth, Royal Commission-level expose of what happened at Melbourne over the last few years, but the rational bit says best wait a few years until it won't be a distraction for the current group. Until then, I believe that flogging Petracca for picks, paying Oliver to go elsewhere, and encouraging May to seek alternative opportunities will help us in the end. Let the most boring people in Australia hang shit on us for letting them go, it's done now, enjoy the benefits. I wish them all well, hope Petracca wins the Brownlow, and for once want a Gold Coast vs GWS Grand Final for reasons other than spitefully ruining the experience for other fans, but if moving on looks like it did Sunday afternoon, then viva la revolution. 

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Caleb Windsor
2 - Brody Mihocek
1 - Jai Culley

Major apologies to Petty and Turner. Quite substantial apologies to Chandler, K. Pickett and Steele.

Statistical wankery alert - Mihocek becomes the 144th men's, and 190th player overall to score votes. Which has to be as satisfying as the time he won a flag.

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Apologies to the Chandler and JVR long bombs, but it can only be Latrelle Pickett's wild angle. Not bad for a first go, I think he can do something even more outrageous.

Next week
Back to Premiership Stadium for the first time under our new management. The good news for the Freo coach is that both teams played the week before so nobody's got the alleged unfair advantage. I'd like to go with the same team, but there's no chance we're getting away without a second ruckman against them so with no respect whatsoever for team balance or positioning, I'm shifting Sparrow to make room. What does this leave Heath doing when not rucking? Buggered if I know, but he's going to have fit in there somewhere.

I wouldn't bet a kidney on us winning, but I'd like to think we'll put on a decent showing.

IN: Heath
OUT: Sparrow (omit)
LUCKY: Tholstrup (?)
UNLUCKY: Practically everyone who played for Casey.

Final thoughts
Couldn't ask for a better start. Now that I know we win at the end, coming from behind multiple times, then holding on in the last quarter is a better trial for the future than unexpectedly tonking them by 10 goals. If there's any other business arising please get in contact via the usual channels, otherwise let the madness begin.

2026 Pre-season betting markets*

* Not actual betting. If you're upset at not being able to punt on this please contact gambling assistance services in your state or territory.

First the indicative markets came in dedicated pre-season posts, until I didn't have enough time for them. Then they were stuffed at the end of the last pre-season match review, which I forgot to do this season. So, for the public record, here they are in all their 'plucked straight from the arse' glory. 

Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year
In the main event, we say goodbye to the winners of six previous medals. This is good news for Nathan Jones, because once Oliver was paid to go away his record of five individuals wins is confirmed safe for many years to come. Unless Gawn keeps winning well into middle age, and we all hope he will. With star power going out the door at warp speed, this could be the first double digit odds winner since Oliver '17.

Previous winners:
2005 - Travis Johnstone
2006 - Brock McLean
2007 - Nathan Jones
2008 - Cameron Bruce
2009 - Aaron Davey ($8)
2010 - Brad Green ($4)
2011 - Brent Moloney ($9)
2012 - Nathan Jones (2) ($3.50)
2013 - Nathan Jones (3) ($2)
2014 - Nathan Jones (4) ($3.50)
2015 - Jack Viney ($15)
2016 - Nathan Jones (5) ($8)
2017 - Clayton Oliver ($35)
2018 - Clayton Oliver (2) ($3.25)
2019 - Max Gawn ($9)
2020 - Christian Petracca ($6)
2021 - Clayton Oliver (3) ($6)
2022 - Clayton Oliver (4) ($3)
2023 - Christian Petracca (2) ($3.50)
2025 - Max Gawn (2) ($8)

2026 market:
$4 - Kysaiah Pickett
$5 - Max Gawn
$8 - Jack Steele
$9 - Trent Rivers
$12 - Harvey Langford
$18 - Caleb Windsor
$20 - Ed Langdon, Christian Salem
$22 - Bayley Fritsch, Xavier Lindsay, Daniel Turner
$25 - Tom Sparrow
$30 - Jake Lever, Jacob van Rooyen
$35 - Kade Chandler, Harrison Petty, Changkuoth Jiath
$45 - Jack Viney
$50 - Blake Howes, Tom McDonald, Brody Mihocek
$65 - Koltyn Tholstrup
$70 - Jake Bowey, Latrelle Pickett
$75 - Jai Culley, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
$90 - Jed Adams, Max Heath, Bailey Laurie, Xavier Taylor
$120 - Matt Jefferson, Luker Kentfield
$200 - Paddy Cross, Aidan Johnson
$220 - Jack Henderson, Andy Moniz-Wakefield
$1000 - Shane McAdam (assuming he is ever coming back), Ricky Mentha, Kalani White
$1500 - Riley Onley
$4000 - Oscar Berry, Tom Campbell

Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year
Most overall votes for a defender. Anyone who spends too much time midfield or forward will be disqualified at the discretion of the committee.

May departs tied with James Frawley with four wins, while defending champion Bowey will have to launch his campaign post-injury. I don't expect Rivers to qualify, hence his lower position here than the overall market. Caleb Windsor only listed because the website calls him a defender. Warning - contains the shame of dual favourites.

Previous winners:
2005 - Nathan Carroll and Ryan Ferguson
2006 - Jared Rivers
2007 - Paul Wheatley
2008 - Matthew Whelan
2009 - James Frawley ($22)
2010 - James Frawley (2) ($3.50)
2011 - James Frawley (3) ($4)
2012 - Jack Grimes ($7)
2013 - James Frawley (4) ($2.80)
2014 - Lynden Dunn ($25)
2015 - Tom McDonald ($14)
2016 - Neville Jetta ($13)
2017 - Michael Hibberd ($16)
2018 - Christian Salem ($20)
2019 - Christian Salem (2) ($4.75)
2020 - Steven May ($11)
2021 - Jake Lever ($8)
2022 - Steven May (2) ($7)
2023 - Steven May (3) ($4)
2024 - Steven May (4)
2025 - Jake Bowey ($15)

2026 market:
$10 - Christian Salem, Daniel Turner
$12 - Jake Lever, Harrison Petty
$15 - Blake Howes
$18 - Changkuoth Jiath
$25 - Tom McDonald, Trent Rivers
$40 - Jed Adams, Xavier Taylor
$70 - Andy Moniz-Wakefield
$80 - Caleb Windsor
$100 - Luker Kentfield
$500 - ANY OTHER PLAYER
$1000 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER
$2000 - Oscar Berry

Nathan Jones Rising Star Medal
Yes, that's right I've made a snap decision to name this award sensibly rather than for a zany comedy player. Otherwise, the rules stay the same - high scoring overall player who has played a maximum of four AFL games at the start of the season. Even though Scully was allowed to once again be seen with an S instead of a $ thanks to the post-premiership amnesty, he still carries the stain of being the only person ever to have one of these awards revoked. You'll also note I forgot to include Turner in the 2024 market and the Demonblog integrity department won't let me go back and pretend he was there.

Previous winners:
2005 - No players eligible.
2006 - Matthew Bate
2007 - Michael Newton
2008 - Cale Morton
2009 - Jack Grimes ($4)
2010 - Tom Scully ($5) (revoked in September 2011)
2011 - Jeremy Howe ($30)
2012 - Tom McDonald ($8)
2013 - Jack Viney ($5)
2014 - Jay Kennedy-Harris ($15)
2015 - Jesse Hogan ($4.50)
2016 - Jayden Hunt ($50) and Christian Petracca ($10)
2017 - Mitch Hannan ($15)
2018 - Bayley Fritsch ($4.50)
2019 - Marty Hore ($8)
2020 - Trent Rivers ($40)
2021 - James Jordon ($30)
2022 - Toby Bedford ($12)
2023 - Judd McVee ($20)
2024 - Daniel Turner (N/A) and Caleb Windsor ($6)
2025 - Harvey Langford ($5)

2026 market:
$10 - Latrelle Pickett
$12 - Xavier Taylor
$15 - Max Heath
$20 - Jed Adams
$30 - Thomas Matthews
$40 - Paddy Cross, Luker Kentfield
$50 - Ricky Mentha, Riley Onley, Kalani White
$100 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER
$750 - Oscar Berry

Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year
Always the most pointless of awards, considering there's usually one person who qualifies. Maybe when Gawn retires we'll co-brand this category after him and wrap it up.

Previous winners:
2005 - Jeff White
2006 - Jeff White (2)
2007 - Jeff White (3)
2008 - Paul Johnson
2009 - Mark Jamar ($3)
2010 - Mark Jamar (2) ($1.50)
2011 - Stefan Martin ($30)
2012 - Stefan Martin (2) ($12)
2013 - Jack Fitzpatrick ($50) and Max Gawn ($45)
2014 - Mark Jamar (3) ($5)
2015 - Max Gawn (2) ($10)
2016 - Max Gawn (3) ($1.80)
2017 - Max Gawn (4) ($1.25)
2018 - Max Gawn (5) ($1.10)
2019 - Max Gawn (6) ($1.50)
2020 - Max Gawn (7) ($1.05)
2021 - Max Gawn (8) ($2)
2022 - Max Gawn (9) ($3)
2023 - Max Gawn (10) ($4)
2024 - Max Gawn (11)
2025 - Max Gawn (12)

2026 market:
$1.30 - Max Gawn
$10 - Max Heath
$50 - Tom McDonald, Jacob van Rooyen
$75 - ANY OTHER PLAYER
$100 - Aidan Johnson
$125 - Kalani White
$150 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER
$200 - Tom Campbell
$300 - Oscar Berry

Lightning the load

For those of you who are into religious matters, a) isn't it a bit unusual to follow the Demons?, and b) what have we done to be involved in so many lightning stoppages? Off the top of my head, there's the inaugural AFLW game, West Coast nearly running us down, the unnecessary delay to a final round slopfest nobody cared about, and now this game x2. For the sake of the narrative, let's pretend the lights went out in Bendigo and Brisbane for the same reason (and an AFLW practice game. We're a destination club). Now this. Maybe it's delayed cosmic justice for rorting the draft in 2009.

This was the first time we've had two lightning stoppages, and you could tell from the first shot of the broadcast that there was something evil in the sky. I was expecting more 'unmerciful pissing rain' like the GWS/Sydney game, but I'm not sure there was a single drop of rain during the game. But somewhere within 10km there was lightning, and that was enough to shut up shop. It's one thing packing up on the second delay in a throwaway game like this, but let's have a match not involving us that is stopped three or four times, with scores close enough that there'll be a riot if it's abandoned with the result standing. We won't be involved any time soon, so why not a Grand Final? Fair chance I've called for this scenario in every post linked above.

Who knows what the City of Ballarat paid to host three games over the weekend, like an even worse version of Opening Round, but I bet when the 4pm start was agreed they were more concerned about the traditional pre-season heat than storm havoc. Especially when the stadium's lights were capable of about 1 more lux than your traditional Coles Homebrand globe.

Luckily, there were as many people in the crowd as watching at home so people will still associate Ballarat with Sovereign Hill rather than unseen violent electrical storms. Surely they had better lights at some point and are in the process of installing proper, AFL standard ones as part of the  stadium upgrade. It's been 11 years since the ground announcer kept describing the stadium as Footscray's "new home ground" as if he knew something the rest of us didn't. They've only progressed to having a stand under construction now, but the sight of unfinished concrete gave me instant Gawn after the siren flashbacks. To be fair, walking down the street reminds me of that blessed event. The difference was these were on the wing, so instead of aiming the most important set shot in modern history at concrete, you'd have to kick spectacularly OOF to land the ball in the construction zone. If any teams could pull it off, it was Richmond post-dynasty and/or us post-one hit wonder.

I'm happy with our draftees, but a bit sad that Richmond got a guy called 'Peucker'. Rarely do you find somebody who provides a choice of spew or flange references. Such a thing is too important to be left in the hands of Dwayne Russell, so thank god the Peuck wasn't available and we didn't have to listen to Dwayne focus testing 'spontaneous' gags that will 'randomly' crop up later in the season when people are watching. Also, on the claims that a Richmond player is nicknamed "Sizzle", somebody will be hearing from my lawyers. The rest of the commentary team were fine (Brad Johnson lineball, but hooray for Jess Webster being good so we can hang shit on Kelli Underwood and be clear it's got nothing to do with gender), but this guy is going to give me the shits again. I'd still have him over BT, but that's like choosing Smallpox or Malaria. Jason Bennett is a free agent after Channel 7 sacked him for displaying insufficient levels of buffoonery, he'd be a decent balance to Dwayne carrying on like a pork chop.

Speaking of the coverage, which has been a better talking point than our football in recent years, based on the pre-match interviews Steven King may be the nicest person alive. I've come to appreciate that this is a better way to start than fire/brimstone coaches telling players how shit they are, but lets see if he descends down the Misery Index when things get serious. Pre-season performance is not a reliable indicator of future success, but it's hard to know what to believe after playing ourselves, an unofficial game against last year's 16th best team, and little more than a half against 17th.

The first two minutes were good for football and shit for footballers. It started with Gawn sticking the ball down Steele's throat at the first bounce, which was nice, but in the absence of Mihocek (concussed) and Jefferson (midweek foot explosion), our first two forward entries sank without a trace. Then just as Kentfield was about to mark after a fantastic lead he got elbowed right on the top of his head, one of the few spots not previously broken. 

Kentfield escaped concussion, but was stunned badly enough to hit the ground like a crash-landing plane and do his knee to a degree unknown at time of publication. There's no such thing as a 'good' knee injury, but it's shithouse timing for somebody who came back from the dead to where he could've easily been given the Jed Adams special taster game post-Goodwin. Then he plays through a recently busted face, took his accidental chance last week superbly, then does exactly what you'd want of him and goes down after copping a slapstick, Three Stooges-style blow to the head. Yes, I am over-correcting out of guilt at suggesting he was a certainty to be delisted halfway through last year.

He joins our growing injury leaderboard, where we're responding to the misleading information about player return controversy by not giving any. 

Note: Apparently, the sacrum is "a large, triangular-shaped bone at the base of the spine", not something plum related.

As Kent hobbled off with two trainers, whoever makes the final decision on lightning stoppages was nice enough to wait for Harvey Langford to take the free kick. "I think they're reviewing it", said you know who. Unless he meant the weather report, they weren't. A week after we nearly became the first team to nearly 'lose' (technically) a game after the siren despite being 86 points in front, this was another trailblazing moment. Surely no team has ever had the injury, goal, game stopped trifecta.

So, two minutes into the game it was back to the rooms, where players had to find ways to fill the time so apparently engaged in a Men's Shed inspired discussion group. I bet Amazon Prime saw this and kicked themselves at not starting season two of the documentary in Ballarat.

this is what it looks like when the pre-season is culminating pic.twitter.com/JLsNG1RMrc

— Emlyn Breese (@EmlynBreese) February 27, 2026

It was too dangerous for play to continue, but not for Jack Viney and Ben Dixon to stand one metre over the boundary line having time-filling chit-chat. In the second most profound thing he's said at a Richmond game (after the time he won the medal and said Australia was really good), Jack pointed this out. I'm no lightning expert, but I guess there's more chance of it finding 36 players + umpires than two blokes and a cameraman. Obviously Dwayne was having a whizz when this was happening, because five minutes later he goes "Nobody's allowed on the ground, we better get Dicko off". Mars Stadium is not just a stadium name, it's a fitting tribute to whatever planet this guy comes from.

Half an hour later we were back to defend the 6-0 lead, and soon doubled that when Gawn marked at close range. You'll never guess what the topic of conversation was on commentary, and even after he'd kicked it perfectly they'd barely finished defaming his set shots by the time Richmond responded. We then got the season's first mention of 'Fritz', JVR was called McDonald, and it was said that if we'd "known" Kentfield would be injured we may have played Heath. As well as, or instead of? Because I'd be outraged if we had holy visions of a player getting hurt and still sent him out to play. As we were without a second ruckman, I preferred McDonald as backup instead of van Rooyen. 

This game was only marginally more useful than last week for judging the future, but we were on top for everything other than converting chances and stopping Richmond kicking goals from the top of the square. I get the feeling May is never coming back, which is big news for my claims that Petty was his natural replacement. If it doesn't happen I'll be blaming him spending two years as a forward, and he was a bit ropey in his first game for the season but I'm not giving in yet. At least they left him down there after Kentfield was injured, last year Petty would've been flung into attack at warp speed under these circumstances.

After potentially premature claims that our forward line looked dangerous last week, the talls were doing nothing (for now), but enter Chandler, Sharp, and Tholstrup with a nice long set shot. Sadly no "Sellies" this week as I'm sure it cost us Logie Award winning commentary. I'm tempted to say you had to weight this performance against the opposition, but Richmond wasn't that much worse than us last year with an average age of about 15. We're definitely not kicking 7.2 in many first terms this year, but regardless of the opposition and use of the wind you'd be a miserable bastard to complain. 

If we're going to be an average side again, I'd rather go down swashbuckling than lose 52-57, but based on limited exposure against rebuilding teams, this could be Baileyball's Revenge. We'll look like the greatest show on earth a few times during the year, and each will be followed by fans gouging their eyes out in a fit of self-loathing. The difference is that Bailey had to build from the lost ruins of an average civilisation with shadowy forces operating around his, while King has inherited a half-decent team which has already been warmed up with recent top draft picks so I don't think it will flame out as badly.

Due to the delay, quarter and half time breaks were shortened. Which makes you wonder why you can't do that in every game? Jeff Kennett's post-1999 strike rate for sensible comment is about 3%, but he was bang on that if you want to shave some time off games start here. It's probably because in pre-season, the broadcaster can do without a few minutes of ads. Like the one for a show with a guy racking up multiple wives purely for the mad rooting opportunities. Fortunately, there was no sign of that dickhead kicking a footy through his window (or Tayla Harris and her eye jumper), but if they don't get the core sponsors back by Round 1A, Kayo will put their price up to $100 a month.

Richmond was taking this seriously in every way except their jumper with the all-yellow front which looked like the sort of generic top you'd buy for $10 from Victoria Market to play indoor soccer in before Temu was invented. They had a good start to the quarter before JVR decided he didn't give a stuff about the wind and kicked two in quick succession. One came from a nice pass by Laurie that the umpire decided hadn't gone far enough about 1m after it came off his boot. Which was false, but the early notice worked in van Rooyen's favour, allowing him to overcome the distance-challenged official and kick the goal. To paraphrase David Brent, sometimes the decisions will be false.

I don't expect umpires to judge distance with military-grade accuracy on the fly, but I wonder if their training ever involves coaches setting up cones in the distance, saying "how far do you think that is?" then telling them how far off they are.

The best way to tell that this was a pre-season game that you should only take half-seriously was that we had a more verstatile forward line than the opposition. Richmond kicked goals from close range, but any shot from more 30 metres out drifted away from goal and into the pocket. It worked once, before our defenders realised what was going on. JVR got a third, this time via a 50 which took him into the square. Seemed like fair reward for having to pluck the first two out of thin air. He then took delivery of a Pickett bullet pass and missed the set shot, but good signs nonetheless.

By half time I'd seen enough to wrap things up and head home, but was open to a second half where we wheeled out a few young players who'd been kept in reserve, tried some wacky pre-season tactical stuff, and left our most important players on far too long. Maybe they'd rented the dressing rooms by the hour, because the same players who had to walk casually for their life earlier in the game spent the shortened break standing in the middle of the ground. That's putting a lot of faith in the weather radar not being a few kilometres out, and as subsequent events showed there was still non-Pickett generated electricity in the air. Fun fact - if there's no weather radar available you're supposed to judge the likelihood of being blown up by methods including counting the seconds between lightning and thunder.

With no proper lights on offer, it looked like they'd only finish the game by parking cars around the boundary line with their high beams on. Fair enough that time Australia won the Cricket World Cup Final in near darkness, but this was the AAMI Community Series so apologies to anyone who travelled to watch, but who cared if it was called off. And then a few minutes into the third quarter it was, when we were saved from the prospect of players crashing into each other in darkness like Titanic vs Iceberg by further lightning. There was time for one more blatant display of Pickettry, and we'll assume the umpire missed the blatant push while temporarily blinded by a flash in the distance.

Ready for a lot more of Kozzy to Latrelle in 2026 and beyond 🤝#AFLDeesTigers pic.twitter.com/Aen8RMapM0

— AFL (@AFL) February 27, 2026 

Multiple people have tried to tell me this wasn't a free, which is the sporting equivalent of when people will go along with any mad political shit just to support their side.

Let's have a moment for the defender stumbling to the ground in cartoonish fashion as if this sound effect was playing.

Decent finish though, and it saved an otherwise "can't play North Melbourne every week" performance by Latrelle. If his surname was Smith I wouldn't pick him for Round 1, but after trying to lure punters to the first game of 2025 with Irish dancing, multiPickett is an obvious crowd-pleasing choice. If he doesn't play first up, he won't be far behind.

For the second time that afternoon our goal set off the lightning warning. At least this time they didn't wait for somebody to take a set shot before evacuating players for their own safety. Said players were so concerned that they hung out in the middle of the ground having a chat for the next few minutes. I don't know why Gawn and Nankervis didn't just shake hands and agree to depart on the spot, but after Max criticised the new ruck rules he was probably worried the AFL would spitefully charge him for. Instead, it was back to the rooms for several minutes more than you'd think necessary to declare the game off.

The result is irrelevant, but as we were winning I'd like to point out that a game is official at half time. It dudded Thomas (who I will refuse to call 'Tom' in the interests of raising the tone) Matthews out of his first start in AFL company, and Xavier Taylor out of a chance to press for Round 1 selection. Otherwise, there wasn't much more to be gained, but I hope it played havoc with the sort of bozos who bet on pre-season games.

And finally, I'm too old to understand most of what's going on with our social media these days (including the club finally getting into the novelty t-shirt market by flogging something about Jiath skiing for $60), but I appreciate their artistic decision to go directly from Lever carrying on like he's in Full Metal Jacket to him running around flapping his arms like a bird.

Warming up to go run some laps 🤬 Here's what happened after the second stoppage in play.#DemonSpirit pic.twitter.com/7vtFr8eyly

— Melbourne Demons (@melbournefc) February 28, 2026

I don't suppose players are allowed to object to anything being shown these days - especially just as the behind the scenes documentary we willingly signed up to starts showing - but if my work posted a video like that I'd piff admin's phone out the window. Probably doesn't have the slightest impact on the actual playing of football, but I'm here to say "I told you so" when a player eventually cracks the shits and walks out after being made to look like a knob.

2025 Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance
If you thought deciding this award on two games was a farce, what about one and a half games? The AFL Integrity Department has been on the phone, and next year we're definitely doing intraclub votes.

5 - Caleb Windsor
4 - Max Gawn
3 - Jack Steele
2 - Jacob van Rooyen
1 - Tom Sparrow

Apologies to Fritsch, Lindsay, K. Pickett, Rivers

Final results
Jack Steele's MFC welcome basket has an award in it. Sure, it might be the least prestigious one in the game, but you can't complain about free honours after captaining St Kilda. This is the second time a player has arrived from another club and pocketed the Prymke on arrival. Hopefully Jack has a longer, happier career with us than 2015 winner Heritier Lumumba 

7 - Jack Steele

5 - Kysaiah Pickett, Caleb Windsor

4 - Max Gawn

3 - Blake Howes

2 - Luker Kentfield, Jacob van Rooyen

1 - Max Heath, Tom Sparrow

Next week +1

Our second new coach in a row debuts against St Kilda, and I'd rather hear about Goodwin's debut win under a sweaty as anything Docklands roof than what happened last time against the Saints. They should cherish the memory of that game, but the best way to make clear that it was an end of year slopfest with no importance is to win here. Which we might. They're debut their new all-star lineup in (*chunder*) Opening Round (*heave*), so here's to getting all the excitement out of their system before we turn up.

Predicted ladder
If you're new to this, the brackets are the range I think the team will finish in. If you'd rather ruthlessly hold me to exact positions, my score will be updated throughout the year via Squiggle's handy Rate My Ladder. Last year, I scored C grade despite some laughably bad predictions, so follow along as we aim for better.

1 - Brisbane (the old brave decision to put the reigning premier on top)
2 - Footscray

------
3 - Gold Coast
4 - Fremantle

------
5 - Hawthorn
6 - St Kilda
7 - Greater Western Sydney
8 - Sydney

------
9 - Collingwood
10 - Adelaide
11 - Geelong (now watch them regenerate like him from Terminator 2) 

------
12 - Carlton
13 - Melbourne (but a good 13th, if such a thing exists)
14 - Port Adelaide

------
15 - Richmond
16 - Essendon
17 - West Coast
18 - North Melbourne

Demonblog's chosen 24

Yes, we know field positions have bugger all relevance to where players actually line up/go on the ground. Available players only.

B: Petty, Turner, Howes

HB: Salem, Lever, Jiath
C: Windsor, Langford, Langdon

HF: K. Pickett, Van Rooyen, Chandler

F: L. Pickett, Mihocek, Fritsch

Foll: Gawn, Steele, Rivers

Int: Lindsay, Sparrow, Heath, McDonald, Tholstrup

Apologies to Laurie, who may as well get used to it, and Melksham, who can swap with Tholstrup or L. Pickett if you want. Also, Taylor, who might have made his case if the second half had been played. 

May Away
Just as I was going to send this, the conclusion (?) to the long running Steven May saga ended with a negotiated retirement just in time for us to find a replacement. His real and alleged personal scandals are not my concern, I'd prefer to remember the greatest MFC defender in my time watching the game. After a dud first season with us, he was unbelievable from mid-2020 to mid-2024, and the story about playing in the Grand Final with his hamstring on the verge of shredding into a thousand pieces deserves to be club legend. Sure he annoyed Melksham enough to get punched in the head, and had an unnecessary on-field sook towards Gawn, but Christ on a Bike what a player. We're at the point where people can say "yeah but..." and invent any lurid story about him that people will believe, but from a pure football perspective, his run with us was brief but spectacular and I hope whatever's going on off the field won't get worse with 52 weeks a year of free time.

And because we're more about obscure trivia than heartfelt tributes, whoever we get as his replacement could be the end of the line tracing back to Scully legging. The compensation picks got Hogan, we traded him for May, and assuming the last-minute ring-in doesn't end up traded or somehow landing us future draft picks, that's your lot on that branch of the MFC family tree. The most important bit of the equation is that it ran through a flag.    

 

Home Alone
The three longest-running sagas in Victoria are an airport train, fast rail to Sydney, and the MFC's quest for a combined training and administration base. The first one is allegedly happening, the second is on its 932nd expensive feasibility study, and both will be going before we finalise a home venue. The latest is that we're off to Waverley for somewhere between 'a bit' and 'several decades'. 

I haven't engaged with this process because you may as well patiently wait for world peace, but as always reserve the right to chip in on random topics like an expert. In this case, asking what more we'll get for spending a minimum $100 million on Caulfield vs settling in at Waverley and getting on with our lives? The FAQ says we need the facility because we're split across three locations, then says Casey will "be an elite training facility for our teams" and we'll keep playing AFLW/VFL/VFLW games there. Then the question of "Why the potential location at Caulfield" speaks about important factors like recruiting Robbie Flower from the area, and ends the list of benefits with "etc..."

If Waverley was perfect Hawthorn wouldn't be plunging a fortune into developing the Las Vegas-like entertainment capital of Dingley, but there's bad news if you've been in a coma since September 1996 - they're the rich ones. We're comfortable now, but explain the benefits of spunking cash up the wall and going around cap in hand asking for donations when no construction project in Victoria has been completed on budget since Federation. I've been spooked by this article, which could be complete bullshit for all I know, but the idea of us spending $10 million (not even allowing for rampant construction industry rorts) on a tunnel just to get this done seems bonkers. Maybe we're being gouged to buggery to rent Waverley, but you'd want to explain that if trying to convince people to sign up for this gigantic cash incinerator. 

Hopefully, somebody is still scouting for alternative locations, if only to use as leverage for getting a better deal on this. I'm switching parties from Dees for Docklands to Dees for Fisherman's Bend. There's got to be somewhere in that CBD-adjacent precinct for a sporting complex, and the government will be more likely to tip-in as part of a larger project than giving us money to build something in the middle of a racecourse. 

Unless we've come up with an all-time great funding racket (and good luck faking an interest in community causes just to get a free footy ground like redacted, redacted, and redacted), Caulfield seems more trouble than it's worth. I'm happy to listen to the case in favour, but I want it outlined in comparison to staying at Waverley permanently. I just hope we don't rush into this so executives can say they delivered the impossible dream, regardless of the financial consequences. 

Administrative updates

After a summer of Demonwiki.org falling over every five seconds, it was only after posting last week's review that I discovered Demonblog.com had gone tits up as well. It came back for a bit, then carked it again. Don't ask me, my technical knowledge of the internet stopped around the time <marquee> HTML tags went out of fashion. Should you find the usual dot.com has dot.gone, the site is always accessible via its less glamorous real URL mfcdemonblog.blogspot.com

 

Final thoughts
Just let us play Round 1 next week you bastards.