Get in. Get points. Get away

In 1975, a bewildered German visitor to England responded to the moose-based shenanigans of a concussed hotel owner by asking, "How ever did they win?" At half time on Saturday, I was equally baffled by an earlier result. Essendon players looked like they just wanted to get the day done before it started pissing down, making their previous romp over us seem like the hallucination of an enthusiastic methamphetamine consumer. 

The fun continued for a minute in the third quarter when they looked like a team begging to be put out of their misery, before the Bombers realised no killer blow was coming and decided to make it interesting. In went the next three goals, and as they lined up for another to bring the margin well within bowel-clenching range, I was haunted by the ghosts of recent fiascos.  

Now that you know the shot missed, and the three goal burst was half of what they kicked for the whole game, things don't seem so bad. In fact, I'm quite satisfied. We survived a five day break, with two debutants - one who took the Disco Turner first game route and departed midway with a head injury - and exceeded the expectation of nervous people (e.g. me) by avoiding two massive cock-ups against the same horrible side in one season. You wouldn't watch a replay, and the second half tapes should be subject to strafing with napalm, but it was exactly what we needed, so no complaints here. Not after it was over anyway.

At the time, my silent, not-so-under-the-breath fuming was gloriously taking place in the happiest place on earth, Row MM of the Ponsford Stand. In a rare event for a Melbourne home game, the tightarses at the MCC offered fans the full seating range, obviously overestimating how many Essendon fans would turn up in the hope of pulling off a comedy double against us. The answer was 'not many', and I don't blame them after seeing this. I know they've got a bigger casualty list than World War I, but other than their five minutes of glory after half time it was about as inspiring as being visited by an Argentinian death squad. No wonder so many of them have developed the ultimate messiah complex and are busy trying to bottle James Hird's emissions so he can be cloned from the DNA and come back to coach them a ninth time in 2076.

Ignoring the part of the season where we ran up the white flag and gave Brad Scott his last win as an AFL coach, this may not have been the most inspiring win you've ever seen, but thank your lucky stars that we've pulled back from the predicted descent into misery and unexpectedly been handed a fun season. I won't say 'anything' could happen from here, because come on, let's be serious, but we could be the ones trudging to our near-inevitable death in every game. Maybe one day in the future that will be the case again, but we've still had more joy this season than the Bombers' last several combined - and without the weird cultish behaviour.

I never thought we were taking this game lightly, certainly not after last time, but if you had to predict which of the sides was going to pick two mid-season draftees 18 days after being plucked from state league obscurity, most would've selected the side that's lost about 96% of its recent games. I know teams have played mid-season picks quicker, and maybe in a set like this, but not usually those with half-serious claims to a top six finish. After toiling for two years for zero games in often putrid sides, I wonder how the original Lucas Cook took to seeing his near namesake Lukas Cooke rolling in from the SANFL, having a couple of warmup games with Casey, then making his league debut. Shame we didn't go further down the name rescue path and have a crack at the Thomas Scully also on offer at the draft.

While attempting to remain as positive as I'm genetically capable of being, I wondered if Dean Solomon would take to the Former Gold Coast Caretaker Coach Derby by citing the double debut - and second gamer Kentfield - in an old-fashioned "You're being disrespected" rev-up. Instead, we got live footage of Simon Madden giving an impassioned plea to the troops, which I thought was a bloody weird thing to broadcast on the screen at our home game, having not realised it was a Neale Daniher tribute thing. It all made more sense when Aaron Davey was shown doing one for our players, especially as he tied it back to the theme more, instead of just doing Generic Inspirational Speech #23.

Speaking of tributes, the pre-match "scan the QR code to vote for your favourite Daniher moment" sat right on the edge of tacky, saved only by them resisting the temptation to whack a sponsor logo on the screen. Of the options provided, his rampant, risky, running down the stairs celebration after rumbling Footscray in 2005 was always going to win. 

I'd like to nominate the time he did a press conference inside a Swedish sauna at Waverley Park. It was the same week Jeff Farmer kicked Goal of the Year (Woewodin against Port was better), and Travis Johnstone said he was pretty excited, so very much a golden era for me.

There was also a community singalong to Mr. Brightside, complete with lyrics about rooting displayed on the big screen. If that becomes a regular feature I'll launch a board challenge. Forget the Caulfield tunnel that will take one month or one year to build, these are the matters we need to be punching on over at board level.  

Other than the big VFL energy we also got from fielding past Casey stalwarts like Cross and Laurie, my other cause for concern was the threat of bucketing rain. Our best part of the previous meeting with Essendon came during the showers, but we were promised typhoon conditions here, and I'm not sure how that fits into the Steven King philosophy of fun and frivolity. We'll have to wait for an answer on that. The damage was done before it started raining, and it didn't start bucketing down until half an hour after the final siren. 

My suspicion that we'll be undone by water is based on absolutely nothing. It's not like we could be any less dangerous in forward 50 marking in a hailstorm, and repeat failures to land snaps between the middle posts during this game weren't representative of the season so far. Basically, I'm just looking for reasons why we won't win, because that makes for even more exciting viewing if (and increasingly, when) it happens. Like, say, Ben McKay being chucked forward because it wasn't really working at the other end, and lining up for his fifth goal in 116 games. 

I'd let Turner and Lever catch my child if the building was on fire, but they're pushing up so high that at one point Lever was a marking target 30 metres out from goal, so anyone has the chance to get on the end of a turnover. The non-Coleman winning McKay was polite enough to hit the post twice, ensuring Kingsley Klub selectors were able to have Saturday night off. He also forgot the last disposal rule existed, and gently tracked a ball over the line so we could get a free kick. Later, somebody with one goal in 41 games had a shot too. Those who enjoyed the random forward careers of Frawley, Rivers, Garland, and two weeks of Troy Davis, would recognise misery years desperation moves like these. It all becomes folklore and legend eventually, once you've stopped losing every week.

Here's some free advice to the Bombers on how to turn it all around. Just recruit a player who turns out to be the greatest ruckman of the modern era/possibly all eras. If we can pull that off, it can happen to anyone. The added bonus is that often that while all around him are faffing about ineffectively, Gawn will take control. Usually this comes in the form of grabbing the ball out of the ruck and hoofing it forward, but more than once this season, it has involved kicking the sort of snap he's got no right to at that size. He's quietly getting within range of his career best goalkicking season. Which is only 16, but the man can't be expected to do everything. If Lance Franklin is the greatest era-adjusted forward of all time, Max's 125 career goals should be adjusted x3 for playing in teams that couldn't create decent forward entries for shit.

That goal was enough to put Essendon back in their box for a while. Sadly, JVR didn't manage another boot-filling haul against the league's unfortunates like the five against West Coast, but he wasn't put off by the minute of applause for Daniher breaking out right in the middle of his set shot routine. I was all for the clapping, but not until the goal was safely tucked away. He did not have a good remainder of the game, to the disappointment of the people who yell "Rooooo" when the ball flies anywhere in his general direction. 

Assuming Mihocek isn't going to do a Kurt Angle and come back to win it all with a broken freaking neck, van Rooyen is going to be massively important if (and it's a gigantic if) we're going to do anything this year. He looks shot for confidence, but there's been no serious challenge to his position from Jefferson or Kentfield, so he'll just have to plough on. Is there an alternate universe where somehow Turner is freed up to play forward again? Probably not, given how well he's going in defence. After one early dropped mark that we'll put down to whirlwind debut nerves, Cooke was starting to give me unrealistic fantasies of freeing Disco up to go down the other end and create havoc - when he went off injured.   

Forget the margin in the cursed previous meeting - most of that came after the will to live disappeared in the last quarter - the biggest problem in that game was keeping them in the game long enough to provide hope. For the metric shitloads of positives this season, our attempts to close the door on shite teams have been ordinary. Like a repeat of West Coast, we had it open at the start, then almost jammed the bastard shut, and let it creak open again, before finally closing it with the sort of force used when trying not to wake a baby. Doors are opening and closing so quickly they could be used to harness electricity, but at this stage of our footballing lives, I'll take wins by any means necessary.

I'd never have believed it in 2024, but Harrison Petty continues to be our best forward. Not necessarily as a goalkicker, but for presence, effort, and contest. Goals help in the overall scheme though, and he got a cheap and cheerful one after being held in a marking contest. It ripped off van Rooyen, who marked the ball in a better position, but Petty converted, so no harm done. I'd like to say that with the other side indiscriminately massacring disposals, that there was no chance of losing but come on. Last time we seemed to have broken them, only to roll out the red carpet and invite them to a comeback.

Once Pickett - who appeared to be playing without an opponent - and Langdon got more goals, the sensible conclusion was that we were going to walk this in. Which is what happened, but not without a few minutes of drama later. For now, we were about to start leaving bulk chances on the table. Maybe if the first went in, Essendon would've kicked the next 30 goals in a row? Probably not. I feel like this was an occasion where it would've been one after another in quick succession. Our problem is when they don't go through, there's every chance of it coming back the other way at turbo speed. For example, a beautiful move through the middle being foiled by a last-ditch spoil, and the next thing you knew, the man listed on Brisbane's whiteboard as "low confidence" was getting the chance to make himself feel better with a goal. 

If we're not going to drop 10 megaton nuclear strikes on inferior sides, the next best option is the Ross Lyon-style pillow-to-the-face suffocation method. After two early goals, including Gawn kicking the cover of a set shot from distance, it was time to start missing close-range snaps galore, usually from the left forward pocket. I choose to take the coach's press conference view that the wind was "swirly". This didn't affect set shots as much, including Rivers doing his own long distance shot - aided, in this case, by three Essendon defenders crashing into each other in slapstick fashion like Larry, Curly, and Moe, to create the space for the ball to cross the line untouched. I'll take it. 

With a near seven goal margin at half time, I could overlook some of the Hollywood moments that crept in. For a bit, it looked like Pickett was going to have 50 possessions thanks to one-twos aided by the opposition not bothering to go within the same area code. Also, hooray for good sportsmanship and respect for legends - but there were people in Outer Mongolia who knew Gawn was coming into this game with a sore shoulder, so after we risked not picking a recognised backup, why wouldn't you put some effort - no matter how half-hearted - into bumping and harassing him? Considering we're the only team they've beaten in a year, Essendon took inspiration from Geelong's all-white jumpers and played under an all-white flag...

... except for those few minutes after half time when the prospect of a TOTAL SHAMBLES was back on the agenda. Fortunately, that was all the fight they had in them, but the score stayed within uncomfortable range for too long. No pressure on a first gamer, but after Cooke departed with busted cheekbone after a clack-clack-clack head knock with two Essendon players, I was on super high alert for McKay kicking eight and being chaired off. Speaking of first gamers, I enjoyed the coalface action provided by Fitzgerald, who had to settle for half the disposals he usually gets in the VFL but didn't look out of place. For those of us who suspect Jack Viney is never coming back, this may not be a straight swap - not until he suffers a raft of foot-related injuries - but it's another win for the mid-season draft.

Meanwhile, our forward line looked to have gone back into the witness protection program, and even when Sparrow dropped a kick right on the line, it took a zany sideways bounce and went through for a point instead. At this point, the game degenerated into a slopfest that would've had neutrals scanning for a Gibraltar/American Samoa World Cup game on the other channel. We were soon back on top in every element other than scoring goals, with surprise calming influence Petty required for a late mark/goal that pushed the gap out to 30 points at the last change - back from 'they could get a roll on here' and into slightly more comfortable 'surely not' territory.  

It was, indeed, 'not', but we still had to endure several minutes of botched attacks at the start of the last quarter before the Bombers finally realised they'd done enough to be avoid being mocked in an AFL360 video package with sad backing music, and let us run out the game in full junk time glory. The cue to pull up stumps was a nice Melksham crumb, after a 251st game that had been about as successful as the 250th where he was injured minutes in. He got a second to make the day look better on paper, but it wasn't exactly the vintage Milkshake display we got on his return earlier in the season.  

And, err, that was it. JVR missed a sitter of a set shot, Petty did a hammy, and Lever deservedly got plaudits for working his arse off to smother what would've been a non-consoling consolation goal. It wasn't pretty, but they beat us by 45, we beat them by 45, so it all balances out in the end. Their win was more 'fun', but only because they've got less to compare it to. 

I'd wish Essendon well in turning things around, but it would be a massive lie.

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Kysaiah Pickett
3 - Ed Langdon 
2 - Daniel Turner
1 - Jack Steele

Apologies to Bowey, Howes, Lever, Petty, Sparrow and Tholstrup.

Leaderboard
With a minimum of nine games left, we are now at the point where anyone below Tholstrup is mathematically stuffed without a real/fake finals campaign. And let's be fair, the major award is only going one of two ways, regardless of how many extra games there are beyond the contractually obligated 23. Even the Seecamp is looking like a Turner walkover, so all the action is still in whether we'll get to crown a Rising Star. I'd have Cross as favourite, but you've also got Fitzgerald, Cooke, Heath, Kentfield, Pickett, and Taylor as eligible, so get amongst it lads. May only require one 'not as bad as everyone else' performance in a pox game to get your name on the honour roll. 

38 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
32 - Kysaiah Pickett
20 - Jack Steele
17 - Tom Sparrow, Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
13 - Ed Langdon
12 - Harvey Langford
9 - Jake Bowey
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
6 - Harrison Petty, Caleb Windsor
5 - Jake Lever
4 - Brody Mihocek, Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley

Next week
If Collingwood got the bye this week, then obviously we wouldn't go more than one extra week, off a five day break, without one? Hah, no. In a competition where Hawthorn has two byes before our first, we're going for an interstate trip. Not much from this game suggests redeeming our 2026 Adelaide Oval experience by beating one of the sides that plays there for a living, but this whole season has been as if decided by dice (I'm sure there was one in the early 90s. Not this, but something more for the ruthlessly nerdy where it came with fixture lists you could fill in as you went) so god only knows what will happen. I suspect an Alice Springs-style reality check - without the accompanying actual cheque - but I'm open to anything crazy happening.

I was intending to be difficult and watch the Casey game instead of Australia at the World Cup, before patriotism got the better of me. When I attempted to watch the last quarter, the stream to my TV which usually works perfectly was buffering like Kayo under heavy sedation. All I know is, Jefferson kicked five before half time, but that I also want Heath as a backup for Gawn, and can't bring myself to turf Melksham after one flat performance, so he's lucky that Petty's mystery late hamstring injury opens the door for him. Not exactly the most fearsome forward line we've ever fielded.

IN: Heath, Jefferson, McDonald
OUT: Cooke, Petty (inj), Kentfield (omit)
LUCKY: Laurie, van Rooyen
UNLUCKY: Henderson, Turkey

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Take your choice of the 2x Gawn nominees. I'll have the snap, because somebody that big shouldn't be able to do such things. One day he'll be literally gawn and it will leave the sort of void in my supporting heart that older people have for Robbie Flower. But there are no favours for legend status here, so Max fails to dislodge Cross vs Collingwood as our season leader.

Final thoughts
There's an alternative universe where the board didn't make a hard decision last year and 2026 isn't nearly as enjoyable as it has been. Is all this going to be sustainable in the future? Buggered if I know, but I'd rather be coming from where we are now than 12 months ago.

Result first, process second

I've come to terms with barely seeing any games in person these days, and certainly do not have the remaining nervous system for 90,000 crowds unless there's a final involved. The upside to this is the option of free expression in tense moments, usually while standing behind the couch, gripping it with both hands like somebody clutching the seat in front of them on a plummeting airplane. 

There were so many twists, turns, and moments of outright insanity in the last quarter that Mrs. Demonblog, relocated to another room due to not giving a rats, thought from the sounds of commotion that we'd lost until re-entering during the theme song. It was that sort of game, and for once we found a way to win one, rather than lose in bizarre, and/or distressing circumstances. At three quarter time I was expecting a repeat of last year, when we battled like bastards to stay in the game, took the lead, then suffered collective soilage and got beaten. There were similarities, but a better Melbourne + a worse Collingwood was enough to bridge the margin from last year, even as we tackled the job of winning with the poise of a teenage boy who thinks he's about to get his end away.  

It would be nice to win this fixture comfortably again one of these days. For now, I'm happy to take the points with the same 'slightly guilty, but taking it anyway' expression as Uncle Leo finding a wallet in the bin.

Usually, you can come up with an unscientific/completely made up 'feels like' score for how fair the result feels. This game was the exception that proved the unwritten rule. There are many reasons why we should have pissed this in, and others to justify a comfortable Collingwood victory. Thanks very much to the opposition for embracing the spirit and helping us get over the line.

After already winning BOG on Anzac Eve, this game confirmed Kysaiah Pickett's status as Mr. Public Holiday and Public Holiday Adjacent Football (title may need refinement - editor). The fun started in the opening minute, where after four seconds he gave away a free for running into the umpire, and 38 seconds later kicked the first goal. Suspicions that the AFL makes everything up on the spot were not helped by him avoiding a fine for the umpire contact, while the Collingwood player who conceded a free in similar circumstances later is left writing the proverbial cheque. 

It's rare enough to kick the first goal this year, so getting the first two was nice. I considered it buffer for late rather than any proof that we were going to give the rivalry an extra kick-along by tonking them. Surely there's only so long one side can hoot at Langdon for making duck comparisons and/or launching surprise scrag on Nick Daicos last year. If it was the latter I'd have thought winning the game would be good enough revenge, but these are the same people who were still moaning about May saying we should've beaten them (not without some justification) after winning the flag.

I'm glad we didn't bring back the Langdon tag. Last year it just freed up the other Daicos to run riot, and denied us the Ed everyone wants - pelting along the wing with his tongue poking out.

Key position players have as much of a chance of winning AFL awards as I do Kazakhstani Keno (yes, other than the Coleman), but midway through the first term Petty looked on track for the most random trophy win in history. He set up two red hot chances - one converted, one best left undiscussed - and kicked his second up the chimney, sky-high snap of the year. Can't argue that he's been a better forward than defender this year, and with later developments in this game he'll almost certainly have to stay there. In the unlikely event that I become a mature-age student, my thesis topic will be "Harrison Petty - forward or back?"

No pressure at all on the debuting Kentfield, but his first appearance in front of a crowd bigger than all his VFL appearances combined was as ruck understudy during Gawn's first break. He joined the rare club of players to lose their first boundary throw-in, leading to the other side kicking a belter of a snap, before being shown in the background of the replay with an "aww fuck" expression. No harm done (other than the goal, but can't hold that against him), and he was ok for the rest of the day. Didn't get many touches but competed well, which helps the way we kick it inside 50 like the criminally insane.

We'd waited two years to debut our mid-season pick forward (via a litany of injuries and mishaps so long that commentators didn't have room on the 'fun' facts list for his broken face) but you can imagine what I was thinking when the 27-year-old podiatrist plucked from the VFL weeks ago kicked his first. I was expecting full Adrian McAdam-style debut heroics and him being chaired off in glory, never to get more than one in a game again, before fading into obscurity. He had his chances, especially with our well-documented trouble with being cut to ribbons after turnovers, but I'm pleased to announce the atomic bomb equivalent energy of the Monarch's Birthday Kingsley was warded off.

You couldn't help but notice all our goals were of the 'exciting' variety. Which is nice, but usually can't be sustained long enough to put up a winning score. Highlight of the set shot misses was Harry Sharp running around the man on the mark but not taking into account that there was an entire forward 50 stuffed with defenders, causing him to find traffic about 0.1 second later and have to rush the kick.

I can understand why they kept van Rooyen in the side over Jefferson, but it was less JVR and more Jesus Vucking chRist after his set shot at the end of the quarter. It came from a nice mark, which looked like putting us back in front at quarter time. Then he hit the wrong side of the ball with the snap and it went violently askew. After a high quality first quarter, this was the first sign that the rest of the game was going to be enthusiastically contested but often shambolic.

There was some redemption for JVR with a goal early in the second quarter, and appropriately it came from somebody else's goalkicking cock-up. Pickett (L) did a set shot that was, I think, an attempt to set the ball up to the top of the square that accidentally fell in a perfect spot where the defender could only bump it along with his foot, ultimately leading to a JVR snap. Which was nice, but any danger some bread-and-butter mark/kick goals? As we'll find out later, the odd ball-tearing long distance shot can come in handy, but playing the percentages will have better results in the long run. And now that he's lost his more experienced partner for (surely) the rest of the season, the heat is on him to take the lead alongside inexperienced second bananas like Jefferson or Kentfield.     

There was good news for both the 97% of you who won't stop going on about Maynard and the 3% of us who are sick of hearing about him whenever this fixture is played. *Pop* went his shoulder while attempting a tackle in the first quarter (next time, consider a leaping smother), and off he went looking absolutely crocked. Because this is the AFL's top day for giving injured players another go, he came back after a painkiller that must have been one grade down from heroin to try again, get the inevitable boos, then wreck it a second time by either falling over/being tripped (delete as appropriate for your views) by Mr. PHHAF. 

Pickett did get fined for this, and while the regular whingers from the other camp may want to reflect on previous comments about putting players back on after injury, I'm not sure how allegedly intentional tripping of any sort doesn't end in a suspension. Maybe the AFL just CBF with endless expensive tribunal challenges featuring biomechanics experts debating the difference between deliberate tripping and involuntary muscle spasms. 

 

Kysaiah may have acquired an acronym so awkward I'm obliged to promise it won't become a running gag, but we regret to report that Latrelle's second quarter was one of the all-time shockers. The player ratings can say he got whatever 1.2 represents - and if you're into it, that compares favourably with JVR's -3.2 in the opening term - but it was not good. Plenty have had worse quarters by virtue of not getting near the ball. This was a slapstick collection of blunders that reinforces my view that he has natural talent out the yin yang but still needs plenty of seasoning. After half a season in the AFL, it's a moderate pisstake if he doesn't have to work his way back through Casey. Bailey Laurie would've been watching on as the carry-over emergency thinking, "I'd get chased down the virtual street with pitchforks for playing a quarter like that".

All this was put into nearly tragic perspective by one of the closest calls for a player being crippled in the modern era. There was Mihocek, scrambling around trying to keep a shit kick from rolling out of bounds (thanks last touch rule), when dumped on his head in a tackle by an old premiership teammate. The combination of him lying there motionless, his opponent's genuine "oh shit" reaction, and the replay showing the angle his head hit the ground at, plus the even more cautious than usual medical reaction made it a scary scenario. The fact that he has a fractured neck but can still walk, and that's considered the good outcome shows just how bad it was.

I feel for the bloke who did the tackle, because he wasn't trying to drop Mihocek on his head, but the precedent for copping three weeks when you didn't mean to do anything malicious was set when Steven May got that many after concussing a Carlton player by running into him. No doubt it'll be overturned on appeal via a combination of Collingwood being able to afford better lawyers, and the league feeling the need to blow them at every opportunity for being famous. I don't care if Frampton gets off or not, just that May retrospectively gets his suspension overturned, like one of those people who helpfully gets exonerated on new evidence after they've already gone to the electric chair. Book your table next to Eddie and enjoy the party atmosphere when the appeal gets up.  

I've got NFI how players snap straight back to game mode after seeing something like this, but that's why they're highly trained professionals, and I'm not. Even after playing another 2.5 quarters, enjoying the thrill of victory, and belting out the song with gusto, he was still asking for updates in media interviews. I suppose they think no news is good news and just get on with it, but it's quite the shift in emotions. It's one thing when somebody's being carted off with a blown knee, but this seemed a step-up in severity and they all just get on with it, when any of them could be next. I find it admirable because I'd be completely put off under the same circumstances.

After all that, the game resumed with the guy who'd just inadvertently broken somebody's neck taking a free kick. Which was unusual. I assume there's nothing in the rules allowing players to decline a free for moral reasons, and I'm not saying he should've deliberately booted the ball OOF out of guilt, it's just an anomaly that you can stand around for eight minutes wondering if you've just accidentally paralysed a man, then go back and take your free, with a replacement player standing the mark in place of the guy who's just left the field on a medical cart. Not sure what was gained from the later footage of him being carted towards an ambulance except sensationalism. 

I shouldn't think we'll see Brody back. Surely at that age, having reached the pinnacle of the game, you take nature's yellow card and throw in the towel. For all the "He could have DIED" hysteria, it's different to Petracca having his vital organs rearranged in the same fixture, this may have been millimetres from life in a wheelchair so I wouldn't begrudge him pulling the pin. If he wants to come back he's more than welcome, but if not would still be one of our more memorable 10 game imports - with apologies to the recently headbutted Braydon Preuss.

And so, after several minutes of (at the time) unresolved medical drama, the game went on. I respectfully didn't start carrying on like a pork chop and acting like winning a footy game means anything compared to actual human problems until about five minutes later, when Kentfield got his first career goal. Enough of the human interest shots of a first gamer's nervous family in the crowd. One day somebody will miss five set shots on debut and each one will be preceded by vision of mum pretending she's so nervous she can't watch.

That was about all the positive content available until half time. It's a good thing the dissent rule has been abolished, because when the returning McSizzle cracked it about conceding a pissweak holding free late in the term, the shot missed. He didn't have a great comeback game, but with a dearth (!!) of key position players he should come in handy if we remain anywhere near contention for the real or fake finals. Assuming this is his last year, can we get one more late season game where he plays forward? Maybe in conjunction with Petty and Turner to see what might have been in an alternative (very specifically focused) universe.

We were right in this at the half, but been there/done that against Collingwood in recent years. We were getting no benefit from Gawn winning in the middle, except when he just grabbed the ball and hoofed it forward as far as possible, didn't look any more likely to kick a decent score than last week, and were vulnerable to the ball going from one end to the other at the speed of light, but in many ways still seemed the better team. Which means sod all if you finish with fewer points. 

By the time we'd conceded the first two goals of the third quarter, it looked like a team overawed by the occasion and trying to keep playing at 500km/h even when there was nobody on the other end capable of taking advantage.

Just when it all looked like going tits up, we got a couple of goals in quick succession, causing one of the commentators to talk about playing "shootout football". Which is all very nice when you're scoring from it, but it felt more like we were going for a world record of how wide you can leave a door open (139 metres straight up, apparently) while waiting to be toppled by either the podiatrist, or a guy called 'Buller' who was definitely only playing to set up snow gags.

Enter your friend and mine Harvey Langford for one of the most exciting steadiers you're likely to see, on the run, from a shite angle along the Olympic Stand boundary.  I don't know about any of the other top 20 picks we've had recently (and Windsor... no need to start worrying, but there has to be more than the occasional NBA Jam turbo button run), but Langford is box office gold in the making. I look forward to seven or eight more enjoyable years before we end up paying for him to end his career with Tasmania or AFL team 20 favourites, the Bunbury Muppets.

That goal survived a three-quarter time break where I felt half like spewing. The idea of losing this game in a thriller again was giving me the shits in advance. I wasn't ready to throw in the emotional towel when Mr. Skiing Joke Facilitator marked in the square for the opener. There still had to be time for us to heroically fight back, get in front, then clam up and get run down. That the game ended with us first clamming, then winning via all-out top speed on a wet road style footy still has me baffled two days later.

In a response unlikely to be linked to my criticism last week, Fritsch then turned up for a couple and we were back in front. It made a change from the previous policy of kicking it above his head just enough that Jeremy Howe didn't need to leave his feet to take the intercept mark.

And, with no concern for the blood pressure of easily worried people, we responded to hitting the lead by being plundered at the next centre bounce and almost giving it straight back. This is around when I started making the noises of anguish that made the other half think Collingwood had won. It was also the time the five year old came to join in the fun, and suggested it would be more fun if she cheered for the Dees to win and I went for the other team. Suggestion noted and declined.

This is where an already offbeat game got really silly. I'm happy to provide attractive viewing for neutrals again after years of torment, but only when we win. First they kicked the goal to retake the lead, then the otherwise beloved Turner was caught HTB for what should have extended the margin beyond a goal. That missed, in a way that would have expected score fanatics weeping, and the insanity went on.

We were having so much trouble crafting well-constructed, traditional goals that it was as likely for us to win via kicking several points in a row as from a set shot in the square. A team cannot live on Goal of the Year contenders alone, but with seven minutes left in a thriller, in front of 88,000 people, if easy shots aren't available something like this will do nicely:

A ridiculous goal from Paddy Cross to put the Demons in front. #AFLPiesDeespic.twitter.com/QqmmaaWZiY

— Melbourne Footy (@MelbourneFooty) June 8, 2026

Somehow this didn't get nominated for Goal of the Year, but the Daicos one from the first quarter did. That was a fine goal, and may he win the overall award so he gets something on Brownlow night for once, but they obviously don't have a context multiplier like our Davey Medal.

Cross isn't a four quarter player yet, but I appreciate how comfortable he looks at senior level for somebody plucked from VFL obscurity just before the season started. Once you get past the alleged can't miss prospects at the top of the draft, it says a lot for targeting players with senior experience at lower levels who feel like they've got something to prove. 

Also, Paddy, if I can speak to you directly through this medium - for god's sake don't get roped into changing jumper numbers at the end of the year. You're within 25 of the very gettable goals record for #41, don't be talked into taking 18 when Melksham retires. We may never see another player in the 50s post-Ben Brown, somebody has to make the 40s fashionable. It worked for Kouta, it got Dean Terlich an all-time MFC record, you could be next.

Considering what happened last year, and after the false alarm of hitting the front against Footscray before losing, this is the point where men in white coats needed to turn up and sedate me. As much as I try to downplay our shabby attempts at maintaining a rivalry with the Pies when they don't care, this result still meant more to me than your usual thriller. One, because a high percentage of opposition fans live to be outraged and I wanted to give them something to be upset about, and secondly the idea of falling on our face again, in a blockbuster standalone game, with all eyes on us DID NOT APPEAL IN THE SLIGHTEST. If the added stress of having to finish in the top half of the competition to play finals still existed it may have put me away. 

Even though there was plenty of time to fluff a 6+ lead, I still had a moment of "everything might just be ok" calm when Pickett marked well within range, only for him to do a casual wrong-foot snap that landed in the square, and was sent immediately down the other end for a set shot. It's not the first time he's tried this move unsuccessfully (see also St Kilda in Alice Springs 2025), and while I appreciate there are uncoachable elements to his game, somebody feel free to have a chat about removing this from the playbook. He'd have done better to play on, run towards the boundary, and try to kick Goal of the Century on the run.

For all the joy of this result, my god it's lucky that De Goey missed the shot at the other end. Maybe we'd still have won, and in even more memorable circumstances, but at the time it looked like a massive cock-up. Fortunately, this was the 1-in-10 that JDG would miss that shot, and we remained in front.

In a game where we played like the brake pedal was broken, I'd like to recognise an ice cold defensive 50 exit by Tholstrup around this time which could have easily ended in tragedy. There was still too much time to piss around with it and run the clock down, and if we'd lost from there, entire sections of this post would be unprintable in Queensland.

So when the better Daicos was wandering around the wing, ready to thump the ball inside 50 for the almost certain scandalous free and winning goal, the dinner I'd foolishly eaten while standing up yelling at the TV earlier in the first quarter was liable to reappear. Enter Langford with a massive tackle to take all that off the table. He was aided by Daicos dithering for a second too long, but the execution of it was a pleasing visual spectacle.

Then - thanks mainly to a strong contest from unsung hero Petty - Pickett got another chance to seal it, this time on the run, but kicked it OOF and for god's sake could we not just win this bloody game when it was there to be taken? 

Yes, as it turns out. Not without a bit more luck. With the free kick going right down the middle, Turner just got to De Goey in time to prevent a mark, and the ball ended up with tongue-out Langdon landing the crucial pass on Pickett.

If he'd taken his allotted time and missed (presumably, making the distance this time), Collingwood would've had about six seconds to go from end-to-end, and I don't think even we could facilitate that. But Pickett would not be Pickett without doing some weird, out-of-the-box stuff that makes no sense. Instead of milking the clock, he took off and kicked a snap on the run. I was up to about "what the f..." before realising it was going through and embracing the madness. 

You can imagine the chaos if it missed, and all the teammates who relaxed, expecting him to burn 30 seconds, were caught out as the Pies went straight down the middle of the ground to find somebody you've never heard of standing on his own 20 metres out, directly in front. But in a moment of Pickettish Pickettry, this one sailed through without drama, setting off an evacuation tone audible only to Collingwood fans, who began to stampede for the exits.

The danger of keeping it within a goal was shown by the ball already being back inside their 50 by the final siren. Too late. The early abandoners correctly identified that there was no reason to hang around. Other than, say, having the dignity to accept that we're going to win this fixture once every five years.

All these years after some poor bastard risked Pies fans throwing acid in his face for not giving votes to Mason Cox over Clayton Oliver (and, to be fair, the future premiership teammate of Oscar McDonald and Corey Wagner deserved them), the Daniher Award has been altered from the usual panel-voted BOG to a combination from the coaches based on values. As the last one was 'play on', it was obvious they weren't going to give it to Jake Lever for his best defensive performance in years. I didn't think Pickett was our best player, but it was no surprise to see him win. Given that he also got 10 coaches' votes, a) what do I know?, and b) maybe they just wanted to do one set of votes and move on?

'Feels like' scores were discredited by this game, but I can confirm it in no way feels like we should be fifth on the ladder. Not arguing it though. If you're tracking our cover version of 1998, a narrow win aided by the Pies missing a late set shot is right on brand. 

I'm not going to say "give us more of the same", because it almost killed me, but at times like this we remember Ronald Dale Barassi's famous quote "a win, is a win, is a win". 

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Harvey Langford
4 - Jake Lever
3 - Kysaiah Pickett
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Max Gawn

Apologies to Chandler, Fritsch, Howes, Langdon, Steele, Tholstrup, Turner etc...     

Leaderboard
It's well and truly on at the top, with Gawn's thumping early season lead now reduced to one straight BOG. Still nothing in the Rising Star, but Lever has kept the flames flickering for an interesting Seecamp finish. 

33 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
28 - Kysaiah Pickett
19 - Jack Steele
17 - Tom Sparrow
15 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
12 - Harvey Langford
10 - Ed Langdon
9 - Jake Bowey
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
6 - Harrison Petty, Caleb Windsor
5 - Jake Lever
4 - Brody Mihocek, Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley

Next week
If we'd done the sensible thing and beaten Essendon last time, you'd say manage Gawn and anyone else with the slightest twinge off a five day break. But we're playing to avoid the most shambolic double since Carlton 2006, so first choice squad only thanks. Even though Casey played in the second half as if their drinks had been spiked, I'll have Heath to give Max a rest, Melksham for a do-over on his injury-affected 250th game, and Fitzgerald to test whether the 'player lifts for games against odd club' counts when you've only been in their VFL side. 

Surely to god we can't lose to this apocalyptic James Hird-focused cult twice in one season. I'm not ruling anything out, because you-know-what is just the sort of thing we'd do, but come on, you can't follow a win like this with a slopfest. Let's just assume the Adelaide Oval was to blame last time, and that a Sensible Saturday will see us prevail.

IN: Fitzgerald, Heath, Melksham
OUT: Mihocek (inj), McDonald, L. Pickett (omit)
LUCKY: Kentfield, van Rooyen
UNLUCKY: Nil

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Not only am I shafting Pickett out of the five votes, but his clubhouse lead for the in-house GOTY is also gone. For context, execution, and exceeding expectations, Cross on the run, under pressure in the last quarter was the best thing I've seen this season. May he do many more of these, but good luck finding too many bigger stages to do it on (reverse mozz applied in attempt to get one in a final thriller).

Massive apologies to Langford, and lesser apologies to the Petty snap, one of the Fritsch ones, and either the first or last by Pickett.

Final thoughts
This is usually the time of year for launching the Bradbury Plan, but it's too complicated with this bloody wildcard round in the mix. I can't bring myself to accept any scenarios where finishing 10th is something to aspire to. 

Inside 50, outside contention

If we're doing a cover version of 1998, this might be the dud mid-season result that makes you think it's all over. In a Choose Your Own Adventure feature, you may blame it on a) selling games to the Northern Territory, b) the opposition unsportingly not letting us score freely, or c) going full Classic Goodwin and having bulk inside 50s for fuck all benefit. Surely even the nuffies who always think the umpires are at fault can't claim they were to blame for a performance that was in some ways loose as a goose, and in others, more congested than a Shanghai traffic jam.

I don't know if we'd have won this at the MCG, because I'm not sure we'd have been playing it there. This fixture has 'home game at Docklands in front of friends and family' written all over it. So, we took the usual shitload of money, put in the usual shizen performance, and nobody's any wiser about what the rest of the season holds. After being half-sucked in by the Hawthorn win, I'm willing to reset my expectations to 'average'. Yes, we came back from the dead to nearly win last week, but there's enough evidence by now to suggest any team capable of fast ball movement and competent defence will do us in. 

I'll give it a couple of weeks to see if the MCG is still the happiest place on earth. Yes, we did have a stench-fest of similar proportions against Essendon before coming back to beat multiple 2025 finalists. This performance had an air of "what do we do now?" panic that drained me of confidence. But the fact that there's confidence to lose halfway through the year is proof that things are going a lot better than expected. Fat lot of consolation that will be if we go tits up from here, so let's hope the '98 comeback tour gets going, and we can go all the way to losing a Prelim against North.

In a case of 'start as you mean to go on', we conceded the first goal after doing multiple stupid things - first giving away a free for not handing the ball back to the umpire, then Langdon was trapped on the last line of defence and kicked it anywhere to escape, which turned out to be straight to a Giants player. Then Petty celebrated his return to defence by casually wandering around in traffic before being caught holding the ball. Result - two goals in two minutes, by which point our only kick had been the shitbox one that led to the first goal.

So that wasn't going well, though Pickett (L) did well to mark a wonky, hopeful kick, which ended up being one of our best inside 50s all day, by virtue of how SHITE the rest of them were. You had forwards who wouldn't/couldn't find space, leaving us kicking to the old clump of players 20 metres out and expecting anybody to make something of that. It's what we recruited Mihocek to help with - once it became clear nobody under 30 can consistently do it, and he returned here to kick the first two. Probably while thinking about how he wasted his career with Collingwood, never getting to play at a ground with a truck parked behind the goals.

The second came via back-and-forth shenanigans, including Sharp being run down once, then almost doing it again. That didn't last long, and for most of the quarter, it looked like GWS was warming up for a training drill against cardboard cutouts representing Melbourne players. Which they were, but not without a spot of bad luck involving Latrelle being jibbed by a snap that bounced 50 centimetres from the line, then took a comedy bounce and didn't score at all. It would be inappropriate to say "it was that kind of day" because our issues went much deeper than one oval-shaped object pitching in random directions. What about all the times we had said item in hand and booted it straight down the gullet of a defender?

Your chances of understanding what was going on in this game were already reduced by having Dwayne on commentary, but were not helped by Channel 7 zooming in on everything, so neither the home viewer, or the guy calling off a TV in South Melbourne was sure of what was going on outside what was visible on screen. I'd say Seven do this deliberately to take the piss out of their competition, but Fox also has directors who think they're filming the Battle of Guadalcanal, so they're all as bad as each other. Russell also keeps going on about "the top 10" in a completely irony-free way that suggests he thinks it's the greatest footy innovation since the drop punt. He later called West Coast vs Essendon a "huge game". Come on man.

If Dwayne's random non-sequiturs and forced one-liners weren't enough for you, Nick Dal Santo's analysis of the GWS forward line was the all-time great mixed metaphor: "They're like islands, they've all got their own territory to hunt in".

This season has repeatedly shown that no matter how dreadful our attack looks in the moment, you can't write off a run of goals to make things interesting/very interesting. But not in this game, where the only remaining first quarter entertainment was provided by Pickett (K), surely breaking the record for warmest weather a long sleeve jumper has ever been worn in, kicking a ludicrous snap while running towards the boundary line. Can we just leave him forward a bit? I'm well aware of all the good he does around the ground, but he really is wasted anywhere behind the centre circle. Play him at bounces, then send him inside 50 to try and introduce a bit of terror for the defenders? 

We were about as threatening as an episode of My Little Pony here, and just miserably went to our doom with JVR and Jefferson taking to the AFL like two fill-in Casey players taking on peak Lever and May. And god only knows what Fritsch does these days, but no doubt we'll be handing him a nine-year contract extension at some point. Yes, welcome to the part of the year where baby and bathwater both dramatically go flying together. And refer to any number of posts from the past few years for discussion of how failing to keep the ball inside 50 leads to the other side belting the other way, with a cavalcade of free players standing on their own. 

If we didn't start kicking goals regularly, there was no chance of winning. Which sounds pretty bloody obvious, but the point is that there could be no 50-45 submission victory. We obviously weren't going to stop them teleporting the ball from one end to the other, leaving the backmen trying desperately to cover any number of opponents standing on their own. For the case against Alice Springs, it was a lot like last year, only without as many good scoring opportunities, and Bailey Laurie not hanging out on the bench for three quarters waiting to make his entire contribution to the season.

Other than the Pickett wondergoal, it was another flat performance without any standout players. A lot of them did good things, some strung it out for more than a quarter, but there was nothing you could point out and say "we lost, but at least..."  

In our reunion with Clayton Oliver, I'm glad he's still going with the trademark two minute noodle hair. That was one minute more than the number of effective possessions he got in the first quarter. He got into it after that, courtesy of however many millions of dollars we still owe on the contract. But, to start the second quarter, the damage was done by an ex-Demon we weren't paying for the privilege. Enter Toby Bedford who, you will not be surprised to find, was standing on his own in the square.

The margin was only seven, but felt like it should be plenty more. Gawn recognised this by taking a great defensive mark, then getting excited and sitting a kick up to be intercepted for a goal. Then they got another straight from the middle, featuring Greene outmarking Tholstrup and giving him a shove that I guess doesn't qualify as 'taunting' because it wasn't on the head. It came close enough to goal that I wish Tholstrup let him have the 50 after being grabbed by the jumper and hurled as far as possible towards goal, like an Olympic hammer thrower. 

Mihocek hit back from a tricky angle. The ungrateful bastards who were unhappy about Langford not marking at the end last week may wish to note that Mihocek's third never happened without Harvey risking death with an intercept mark. And it was all worth it for the 'steadier' that survived about 19 seconds. We were winning contested possession, but that means dick all when the scores are coming from players running around in acres of space under no pressure. The sense that it was all a bit of a shambles was furthered when a snap by Sharp was touched through by Gawn. I don't think he was trying to swipe the goal, he just looked up to see a footy coming at his head and tried to take evasive action. Could've just handballed it to him, standing there on his own, anyway. Goodbye to our full membership upgrade at The Entertainers.

If you're going to let free players run everywhere, best to do something when the ball gets inside 50. Finally, Jefferson got a free and converted, just after Russell (D) commented on the colour choice of Pickett (L)'s undies. Then, out of the middle, Chandler did tremendously well to keep a loose ball alive long enough for Langford to miss a snap. But the goal that made the margin a positively generous 12 was still there, after Oliver introduced himself to Latrelle with a high tackle. I'm not convinced by Pickett yet, and was preparing to defame his set shots when this went through. 

We'd been comprehensively outplayed, but were still in it. Not for the first time this year, so you never knew. To be honest, I knew. I can be guilty of gross cowardice at times, but for us to win this GWS would have needed its entire side to come down with the mystery shits at half time.

Didn't take long to find out where this was going, even after you-know-who called an alleged "brilliant snap by Daniels" which rolled out of bounds in the forward pocket. It did prove a good set up, leading to Cross being pinched holding the ball after a tackle on his hand. There's something you don't see often. More common, in this game anyway, was us labouring through about 12 disposals to move 50 metres, then finally getting the ball forward, only for it to come back the length of the ground in about three kicks.

Inside 50s are a piece of shit measurement, except when you have twice as many for infinitely fewer goals. They got up to about 4/6, by the time we were 0/14. Instead of well-constructed goals involving forwards, Trent Rivers had to run around an opponent and boot one from distance. A minute later, Gawn got manhandled out of a boundary throw-in for the reply. How did it even get down there so quickly? Christ only knows. 34 points may as well have been 74. 

Sparrow snapped one at the end of the quarter, but it was only there because Mihocek's shot at goal missed the lot. Cross had a shot after the siren, but in a week where a player was done for running off his line in similar circumstances, he was never going to be able to scam enough extra distance to kick it.

Technically, a 27-point margin was gettable, but I'd have eaten Ed Langdon's sweaty headband if we'd been able to outscore the Giants by 28 in the final quarter, the way we'd been defending ball movement. For anyone hanging onto the dream of a comeback, we started the last quarter with our best transition all day... and then botched the kick into attack. Said it all really. This was followed by the Giants kicking it around to free players long enough to open the door for a leading forward to run onto a pass under zero pressure. They got another from the middle, and our status was downgraded from 'probably rooted' to 'officially rooted'. 

All that was left was 15 minutes of the Giants running around red and blue traffic cones. Some hopeful people will try and claim we were beaten by the Giants' accuracy. It just saved us from seven, eight, or more point plays. Steele kicked a good goal on the run in the last, but it was shuffling deckchairs on the inland Titanic and I couldn't have been less interested in the last 10 minutes while still watching. Stuff happened, I saw it, and didn't care. Get on with next week and show us you've either a) learnt lessons, or b) we can only play on the MCG.

After the match, Steven King let himself down by bringing up expected score, which is about as relevant to this result as my unscientific 'feels like' measurement. It felt like we got pummelled here, and I'm not sure whether we should get grudging credit for keeping the margin to just 49, or GWS should be disappointed by not walloping us more violently.

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Daniel Turner
4 - Jack Steele
3 - Jake Bowey
2 - Brody Mihocek
1 - Koltyn Tholstrup

Hardly anybody deserved votes, so insincere apologies to K. Pickett and Petty for being next closest. 

Leaderboard
Nothing for the top two, so the only move of note is Steele back onto the podium. In another week of nobody going close in the Rising Star, it's starting to look like an issue that I didn't have an 'Any other player' option. Cross just made it onto the list in time, but how was I supposed to know we'd end up with three mid-season draftees?  

32 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
25 - Kysaiah Pickett
19 - Jack Steele
17 - Tom Sparrow
15 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
10 - Ed Langdon
9 - Jake Bowey
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
7 - Harvey Langford
6 - Caleb Windsor
4 - Brody Mihocek, Harrison Petty, Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
Get your Steven King's Birthday gimmick headlines out, time for our annual attempt to prove ourselves to Collingwood when they couldn't give two shits about us. In theory, they're on the skids, but we usually find a way to cock this game up, so I'm expecting to do something silly. I don't expect my proposed hatchet job on the forward line to be adopted, but they have to do something. You can't just say "it's the MCG, everything will be ok". Time to dump a few people. I could almost go Fritsch as well.

After a couple of down weeks for the midfield, I'd like to get the express inclusion treatment for mid-season draftee Joel Fitzgerald, who found out he was drafted after training at Williamstown, transferred straight to Casey, and had 40 possessions. That's the sort of resilience you need to play for Melbourne. So much better in front of 90,000 people. And for the love of all that is holy, can they just give Kentfield a crack already? Might have NFI in senior company for all I know, but surely he's done enough to get a go in front of one of the other misfiring forwards. 

We'll lose, and a Pies player you've never heard of will join the Oxley, Dick x2, Cox x2 (these are real people, I'm not doing a bit) Monarch's Birthday Kingsley Club. 

IN: Fitzgerald, Jiath, Kentfield, Lever, Melksham
OUT: Cross, Laurie, L. Pickett, Jefferson, van Rooyen (omit)
LUCKY: Fritsch, Moniz-Wakefield
UNLUCKY: McDonald

(UPDATE - Let the original text stand, but poor AMW is anything but lucky as he's done his knee again. Absolutely shithouse news). 

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Apologies to Miami Vice-style crime-fighting duo Sparrow and Steele, but obviously it was the ludicrous Pickett one from the boundary line. I hated this game so much that I refuse to dignify it by appointing a new clubhouse leader, but the good news is that he already leads for the goal against future chaos to premiers via wildcard round success story Carlton.

Vale Neale
This site has been going so long, it started with Neale Daniher's third last season as coach. Nothing I'm going to say will adequately pay tribute to him, but if you're going to have the misfortune of coming down with an incurable illness, the best you can do is fight it to the bitter end and do good for other people along the way. From a footballing perspective, I thank him for the 1998 and 2000 campaigns, two of my all-time favourite seasons. Remember '98 with our Hotter Than Hell retrospective, and remember Neale with your generous donations to fight MND. 

Final thoughts
This was like waking up and having a cup of piss thrown in your face, but if we do the right thing next week, I'll forget it happened.

It's Sunday for the Sweet FA

When you play the non-stop, footy equivalent of the bus out of Speed, it's inevitable that you'll eventually run into traffic and blow up. When we were on two goals halfway through the second quarter, one from an instinctive snap, and the other via an opposition player doing something stupid, I was thinking 51% "get us back to the MCG", and 49%, "oh no, we've been rumbled". 

Then we did a Mad Minute-style dash to half time, had the lead deep in the last quarter, and probably should've won despite playing nowhere near our recent best. Didn't happen, and as we like to say around here, maybe don't go five goals behind in the first place. All this was done with our forward line reduced to late-Goodwin levels of futility, so there's something to be said for making a game of it. But you can't redeem that for premiership points. 

I'll save my frequent nervous breakdown sufferer points in case there's a similar result if there's something on the line when we play them in the last round. The Bradbury Plan is in disarray now that there's real finals and fake finals, but we'll tackle that after King's Birthday. For now, I'm putting myself in the hands of the AFL LiveLadders prediction of us finishing eighth. Remember when that used to be light years ahead of 10th? Now everyone gets a prize. Regrettably, this might come in handy for us.

In a farcical start, viewers missed the first 90 seconds because Fox/Kayo hadn't finished showing the unexpectedly high-scoring earlier game. It turns out that in a league where multiple matches are often played simultaneously, they couldn't switch the feed to the one you wanted to watch. Stiff shit if you wanted pre-match build-up, here's Chris Fagan looking baffled on the Brisbane bench. And for the GWS fan, stiff shit if you wanted to enjoy the afterglow of your highest ever score, here's Jake Bowey.

Our game started late in a half-arse way to buy enough time to save them, but the buffoons in charge of the coverage still couldn't manage it. For the first time ever, Dwayne Russell's "if you've just joined us" was relevant. Yes, you could just go on Channel 7 but it's the principle of a streaming service just playing what's on a particular channel, even if it's not what you wanted to stream.

Out of respect for the viewing audience, the teams politely combined to score 0.0 in the time lost. The delay actually worked in my favour because I had to watch the opening minutes via phone on my way to the ground. Via this method, I saw us do a lovely end-to-end move that ended with Petty missing a relative sitter. This was followed by three Footscray goals by the time I got to a seat. But we got one through Laurie just as I sat down, and as far as I was concerned, it was one goal to nil. 

The rest of the opening quarter featured plenty of chances, which died in the arse due to an old school malfunctioning forward line. Jefferson, Petty, and van Rooyen all look much more likely to mark/make a decent contest on the wing than inside 50. Which is ok if you've got somebody who can take grabs and kick goals ahead of them. And when they didn't mark, there was a dearth (!?) of players at ground level who looked like converting half chances. We've scored enough quick bursts of goals this year to prove it can be done, but the challenge is to string it out over four quarters more often.

I know I'm being a yellow-bellied coward by waiting for the promise of this season to be exposed as a lie, but Footscray's ball movement carving through us with handballs reminded me of the Sydney game. Any team capable of doing it would be mad not to against us. The backline held up well after those opening goals, but we'll give decent sides enough chances that it's 'score or die', and it looked like the latter early in the second quarter. There was no hint of glamour side status as we bumbled around, looking unlikely to mount any sort of decent score.

I was really hoping we'd win just so I could mock the umpiring without it coming off as sour grapes. I'm usually understanding about how hard this sport is to umpire, but this was a putrid exhibition in both directions, and I can't believe the final result wasn't decided by an all-time great howler. They had particular trouble with first half forward contests. See, for example, Turner getting done twice for fictional contact, then Petty being paid a holding free when he'd been hanging onto the other guy. Pair up with a Dogs fan and create your own shame file of all the other shit decisions, but they didn't cost us the game.

No arguments about the Petty freebie, it got us a third goal we didn't look like creating with conventional methods. The game seemed like a time capsule of all the attacking disappointment from our recent past. And there was the minor matter of the Bulldogs having just kicked four goals in a row. This should've been returned quickly down the other end, until a free in front of goal was reversed due to the heinous crime of a player mockingly patting his opponent on the head. The day I use the word 'woke' seriously, I'll immediately sign up for voluntary euthanasia, but come on, is this where we're at? 

It's not quite a soccer team getting the arse 48 games into their season because an intern hid behind a tree filming opponents on a mobile phone, but it's on the way. Meanwhile, remember when you couldn't crack the shits at an umpire after a decision? Lucky that rule has been forgotten, because our players do some great incredulous reactions. And that's with undisputed master of the genre Tom McSizzle in the reserves.  

Later, Jake Bowey had a ball stuck in his face by somebody improbably called 'Arthur' after being outmarked. Last time players were called Arthur you'd have been run out of the game for doing that, and possibly described as the ultimate insult, a "mug lair". Next thing, that will draw a free kick too. I say, let's have more of it. More head-patting, more ball-display, and as much non-violent ill-feeling between players as possible. Give the people what they want.

As offensive as I found the reversed free, it kicked off our best part of the game. It didn't have the savage qualities of the Mad Minute, but got us back in the game after things were looking dicey. Gawn started it with the best enormous man snap you'll ever see despite having just been poked in the eye. He's had so many digits jammed into his face over the years - for zero free kicks - that it'll be a miracle if he's not led into his Hall of Fame induction by a guide dog. Then, straight out of the middle, Langford got one, followed by Rivers after the siren. And things were looking a lot better than before the illegal head patting.

After turning up halfway through the first quarter, this was the point where I couldn't stand being around people any more and went home. So the goals weren't just good for getting us back in the game, they also made sure it didn't look like a sour grapes half-time exit because my team was getting thrashed. I put my phone on 'do not disturb', drove home, and picked up the game at about the same time the rest of you were watching us cock-up a lead late in the fourth quarter. 

Not only does Kayo struggle to provide the game you ask for, when you pick a game 'from start', the timeline scroll bar on a mobile is so precariously close to the 'Jump to Live' button that getting to the start of the third quarter had to be done with the care and precision of disarming a bomb. Then it was the full express watch, pressing +10 seconds at every stoppage, and skipping between goals and the restart. The lack of any time to relax, especially in a thriller, really gets your heart rate going. But not at first, when we conceded most of the early goals, and were almost back to the same place before the big first half finish.

For the second time, we were saved by a goal from a 50. Turner's finish made me wish we had one of him at either end. This game from a tremendous Bowey kick and playing on after a point, looking like he was running himself into trouble, then hitting Turner in the middle of the ground. On the basis of this, I would have Bowey hit a target off the half-back line to save my life. No pressure. When Sharp got another straight after, it was back on, even though we'd been outplayed for the quarter. Even when they got a late one, we responded immediately through Cross, and your good for neutrals/heart attack-inducing for everyone else grandstand finish was on the cards.

I thought we were a decent chance, especially having run out games well this year, but let's not overlook the fact that the Dogs had been a better side all day. Nothing to stop them from going to pieces in the final term, but they weren't going to cave just because we'd cut the margin from 33 to two. The pattern of being outplayed but getting away with it continued when they had all the early attack but conceded the first goal when old mate Arthur (views on being caught between the moon and New York City not recorded) dived on a ball in the square. Despite his disinterested standing on the mark, not even bothering to raise the arms, Sharp went as close as possible to missing from the pointest of point blank ranges.

After his return to form on the same ground a week ago, JVR was pox here. Yay for three contested marks, but he barely went near it inside 50. Then he finally gets a decent chance to put us back in front from a spot he'd usually kick it from with eyes closed and misses. Between him and Jefferson having peg-leg set shots and Fritsch blundering around adding nothing, it's a miracle we even reached a score that would've been above average last year.

Matt Hill is usually the sensible commentator, especially in partnership with Dwayne, but saying Lever was "rolling about on the ground" when he'd obviously knocked himself goofy landing from a megaspoil was a bit harsh. Firstly, we know you're watching on TV in a studio so you had the close-up of Lever looking like he was in Cloud Cuckoo Land. Secondly, for what purpose would he be rolling around recreationally on the Docklands surface?

After several frantic minutes without a goal, my big mistake was thinking that we might win after Langdon ambled into an open goal with not much time left. This ignored the evidence that we'd been defending grimly all quarter, and didn't have Lever, whose position was covered by the only tall forward who'd given a decent contest all day. For fans of storylines paying off/moral justice, the guy who'd been dudded for head-slapping kicked the goal that put the Dogs back in front, leaving us with not much time to get one back and win.

I nearly had an Ebola-esque liquification of bodily organs when it looked like Langford marked at the end. If there was ever time for Pickett to hush up the muppets booing him it'd have been by plucking a winning goal from his arse here. Alas it ended with the Dogs extracting the ball and pelting off on a time-draining run a'la Austin Wonaeamirri vs Brisbane 2009. Turns out the added bonus of going home early was the option to turn off with one second left and not have to see happy opposition people.

It wasn't the result we wanted, but near enough at well short of 100% capacity to keep alive the fantasy that this season might turn out ok. If we're going to keep trying to be The Entertainers, we've got to fix the forward line though. Not just the scoring, but retaining the ball down there and not letting the opposition rebound at warp-speed. Still, we've seen enough good this season to know that there's still plenty more fun to be had by the end of the year. So it goes. On to the next one.  

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Jake Bowey
3 - Max Gawn
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Harvey Langford

Apologies to Chandler, Jiath, Lever, Sparrow, Steele and Turner.

Leaderboard
Slight reduction of gap at the top, and after the recent Sparrow charge it's back to looking unlikely that anyone will run down the top two. No action in the minor categories BUT we did receive a midweek enquiry about Langdon's Seecamp eligibility due to his recent Salem-ish activities. The committee has met at a secret underground location and deemed the answer to be 'not yet'. They have also ruled, perhaps more controversially, that Petty is currently ineligible for the same award. More on these storylines in weeks to follow.

32 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
25 - Kysaiah Pickett
17 - Tom Sparrow
15 - Jack Steele
10 - Ed Langdon, Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
7 - Harvey Langford
6 - Jake Bowey, Caleb Windsor
4 - Harrison Petty
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
It's off to Alice Springs for the big Clayton Oliver reunion, where the money we get for transferring a home game there goes towards paying him to play against us. The Giants just kicked 14 goals to nil in a quarter against the reigning premiers

For the first time in weeks, Casey was on the right side of a first quarter slaughter. Other than the joy of Melksham running riot, and Moniz-Wakefield looking like a star, my other key takeaways were a) condolences to Oskar Baker for not getting the chance to fix up his old side in the seniors, b) Footscray player Del Amitri was a fitting tribute to the briefly relevant 90s band, c) they also had Stirling Phipps-Parson, which is the most MFC-sounding opposition player since Rochford Devenish-Meares. And isn't it good to get him back on after a couple of weeks?

With Lever a certain out due to his rolling around condition, I'll have Petty back just to crack open a spot for the much anticipated (since about Round 22 last year) debut of Ken T. Field. And AMW needs to be in the side, so as Laurie no longer has a 100% winning record, he may rotate out. And make your own selection of whether to chuck Jefferson or JVR for Melksham.

No earthly idea how we'll go. Based on factors including an opposition prone to violent mood swings, first time for KingBall on this ground, and the fear that it'll all go tits up for us if there's any rain, I'll tip a win.

IN: Kentfield, Melksham, Moniz-Wakefield
OUT: Jefferson, Laurie (omit), Lever (inj)
LUCKY: Heath, van Rooyen
UNLUCKY: Henderson, McDonald, L. Pickett

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
It must be the Gawn snap while he was still feeling the effects of having a finger jammed into his eye. Bonus points for absurdity, but not enough to take the clubhouse lead.

Final thoughts
Now that Carlton has won two in a row we'll hear all about how great the wildcard is for giving hope to fans of all teams etc... etc... It also makes results like this less consequential, which might be good for us now but I philosophically disagree with to the same degree as war crimes.

Stick a Hawk in the toaster

A record home crowd, continued mastery of the sport's most important ground, and sensible people in commemorative caps coming out ahead of grown adults in Reject Shop wizard hats. What's not to like?

Hopefully, this was a good enough follow-up for the people who were bitterly disappointed at not beating West Coast by 137 points last week. The usual footy maths calculations don't apply to this team. We'd all like to batter a down on their luck side in savage fashion, but I'm quite happy with going through the motions, then completing an eight premiership point play the next week. 

Hawthorn had key players missing at both ends, but that's life. If you're an alleged flag aspirant, you'll find somebody to replace them. Maybe they're not. Maybe we... Let's not get silly about things, but this was a very good win. At times it was unattractive, but when we got going, the excitement level was off the charts. I'm clamping the lid on because there's going to be a reality check somewhere along the way, but other than one obvious exception, this season has been '98 level enjoyable.

At this stage, I'd be willing to do an armed robbery if Steven King told me to, but what about responding to Hawthorn picking a bunch of tall forwards by sending Petty forward? This is about the 13th time he's switched ends in the last five years, and I've gone from loving it to despising it, with various degrees of grudging acceptance in between. 

Hawthorn's coaching staff missed the post-match interview last week where it was revealed he was meant to play forward, because this came as a Pearl Harbour-level surprise to their defenders. First he bobs up in a pack for the mark and goal, then he got the second via a snap that no converted premiership defender has the right to kick.

The fun slowed down for a bit after that, and in the first VFL/AFL game ever to feature a Calsher vs a Koltyn, the former missed a pair of set shots. Hawthorn finally got the second from an angle/distance within their range after Langdon got pinched holding the ball, then gave away a 50 by trying to launch his own video review challenge by telling the umpire to watch the big screen replay. The umpire responded by saying, "Yes, Ed, I would like to make another decision" and advancing the kick from hard on the boundary line to five metres out in the square. This was part of a first half where Langdon had a spectacular fall from being our best last week to looking like he'd only just taken up the sport.

I still don't believe our high scoring is real, and keep stressing that whenever the opposition kicks a goal, we're not going to be able to respond. But it keeps happening - except for whatever reason against a side on a 17 game losing streak. See, for instance, van Rooyen replying with a snap past two defenders who 95% of the time would've got at least one part of their body on it. From his reaction, I don't think JVR could believe it went through either.

Conceding the last goal and going to quarter time with scores level was unfortunate, but you could tell we were right up for it, and they were perhaps not. It wasn't just hanging around as nuisance value while kicking set shots as if drunk, like last year's corresponding fixture. There was a sense we were right in this, helped by the opening two goals of the second term. Suspicions of Hawthorn taking a casual attitude to the contest were helped by a set shot around the corner not making the distance from 25 metres out. But, this kicked off their best passage of the game, with two goals - including one end-to-end with a ripper of a finish from the boundary line. I think the FanFooty log sums the state of the game up more succinctly than I ever could:

Yes they had, and yes they were. But only until Mr. Main Event himself Harvey Langford turned up for a goal to restore the half time lead. It could've been even better had Jefferson not shanked a set shot after the siren, but I was willing to believe that this wasn't going to end in a fourth quarter implosion like last year.

Despite Jefferson's miss, this turned out to be his best game yet. To play amateur psychologist, I hope this was good for his confidence. He obviously has natural talent but looks like he doesn't believe he should be in this position. We've all been there, but not usually in front of 65,000 people. He got the first of the third quarter, kicking off a spot of madness where both Laurie and Langdon followed and built up a handy lead. It held, but not without brief challenges from the opposition, and a coach who looked as if he'd smash something through the wall if the cameras were turned off. 

They replied with two, then we got three, including the lowest percentage successful handoff in history, as Steele handballed to Fritsch running past him on the boundary side, and somehow it ended in a goal. This excited Fritsch so much that he later attempted to recreate the running goal from the opposite side pocket against Geelong in 2024, which was the last gasp of our era as a premiership-quality team before the rot set in. Didn't work as well. Nor did Pickett (L) trying to wrong-foot the opponent in front of him, forgetting there was another right behind him.

After all that, phrases like "here we go", and "isn't that bloody typical" were aired when Hawthorn got one with 90 seconds left. But your friend and mine, Langford was there for a reverse DemonTime reply, and good times were back on the agenda. 

Based on the season to date, we should've been good for a 20 point lead in the last quarter, but I was obviously not taking anything for granted. Indeed, I was metaphorically shitting myself at the prospect of leaving the door open. Enter the cheeriest man in footy, Kade Chandler, to roll through a long shot which took a kind bounce and briefly threatened to sit up perfectly for Petty to smash home off the ground. 

There was plenty of time left for a cock-up, but for the nervous viewer, this was the dictionary definition of a settler. Further settling was provided by the Hawks missing more gettable set shots, before Howes did a turbo run through the middle to set up Pickett (K) for a second and, realistically, we were home. I couldn't bring myself to see it that way, until Sparrow turned the next centre bounce into a Sharp goal, then there was some element of relaxation. The most comfortable person would be Sparrow's agent, who is sitting there watching the value of his next contract go up like a stock market boom.

And so it went on, ending for our purposes with Fritsch getting a conventional one after James Sicily realised the futility of fighting on and just let himself be tackled. The open questions are a) how will Steven King react when we have a few down weeks, and b) does the crowd still go boonta for Sweet Caroline after Harry Sharp kicks a goal while we're getting thrashed? May we never have to find out the answer to either. By the time Sharp put on two in the last quarter romp, even I had a positive view of that bloody song. 

It would've looked even better if we hadn't let in a couple of goals at the end, but you'd have to be a ruthlessly hard bastard to let that ruin your enjoyment of a rampant last term. This was a terrific result, both ugly and beautiful at times, but when the game was there to be won, we joyfully kicked quality opposition in the knackers. My refusal to go for the local team in 1988 has cost me a shitload of flags and assorted good times, but this was a rare occasion where it paid off. Added bonus - not having to wear toilet colours or a cheap wizard hat.     

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Tom Sparrow
4 - Max Gawn
3 - Daniel Turner
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Harvey Langford

Apologies to practically everyone else.

Leaderboard
Max is back, restoring his near two-BOG lead. The lost member of the Viney family, Sparrow is on his way to an inaugural podium finish, passing Steele for third. Before this year he only had 17 career votes total, equal with Byron Pickett and Clint Bizzell. Now he's one vote off passing Cale Morton. Christ, I've been doing this for a long time. In the minors, the Turner stranglehold on the Seecamp is tightening, and after Heath's Rising Star near miss in Sydney, we're still in 'no eligible player' territory. 

29 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
20 - Kysaiah Pickett
17 - Tom Sparrow
15 - Jack Steele
10 - Ed Langdon, Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
6 - Harvey Langford, Caleb Windsor
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Jake Bowey, Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harrison Petty, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
Back to the ground once known as Fortress Docklands to see if we can do over another team with 'West' in their name. Yes, it's time to reinstate a rivalry with the Bulldogs which burned brightly for about 12 months and nobody has given a rats about since. Mainly because we've been unwatchable for two years. Now glamour team status has arrived, and there should be proper interest in this. Let's not get too excited by them losing to Carlton. That's probably worse for us because now Beveridge will spend the week making players crawl under barbed wire with machine guns being fired over their heads, so they'll be right up for it.

Last week, I came into the Casey game when they were winning, and it ended in an epic pounding. This time they'd just conceded a 40 point quarter time lead and looked like being violated again, then held it together to lose by not much more. Key finding - St Kilda had a player called Billy McGee-Galimberti, which is the most improbable name since Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo. Otherwise nada. Amateur selection sleuths could point to Kentfield's two goals from three kicks. Not sure if that's a case for, or against picking him but it's probably not happening anyway. Could always play him as the 5% second ruck instead of Heath, which I base entirely on a game where he had one hitout.  

If Windsor has recovered from his case of left big toe, he's an automatic inclusion. In the other direction goes Latrelle, who we all love but just had two kicks at zero percent efficiency. If he was Latrelle Smith nobody would argue about it. Put your feet up for a week son. And I'll keep Laurie, who I'm not crazy about, but am willing to go with for a bit longer.

There shall be no Tom Campbell, who retired during the week after his earlier neck injury. He joins names like no relation Robert Campbell, Majak Daw, and Ezra Poyas in the hallowed MFC Hall of Experienced Recruits Who Never Played A Game. Not much of a tourist attraction that one, but we wish them well, and appreciate any contributions to the all-important MFC cause.

IN: Windsor
OUT: L. Pickett (omit)
LUCKY: Heath, Laurie
UNLUCKY: Kentfield, McDonald, Moniz-Wakefield

If this game was being played at the MCG I'd be semi-confident (almost the highest level I can get), but we can win at their place. There are some major Gather Round-level disappointments in our future (including the obligatory coming back to earth with a thud on Not Steven King's Birthday), but may they take a bit longer to turn up. Dees to either win, lose, or draw.

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
As Dr. Seuss would put it, Fritsch on the run was fun, but grading on the probability of the player involved kicking it, and general degree of difficulty (call it something like expected score), it must be the Petty snap. It's up there with the best of the season, but Pickett vs Carlton is still your overall leader.

Final thoughts
I've got no idea where this season ends up, and whether we'll end up in the real finals, fake finals, or no finals at all. But at the point of equalling our win total from last year by Round 10, let's have another moment for the DEAD SET FUCKHEADS who buried us for trading Petracca and Oliver before Round 1. It seems to be working out for everyone at this point. Perhaps we'd have still seen the birth of the Tom Sparrow midfield experience, but not to the same degree. And how good is life without off-field drama? Involving players anyway.  

The smaller the cult, the purer the devotion

If you ranked all 207 home and away games this season on excitement, hype, and anticipation, this was surely one of the seven. Some matches have it all, and some matches have:

• A lightly supported Victorian team
• Playing a home game at somebody else's stadium
• At 1pm on Mother's Day
• Against interstate opposition that hasn't fired a shot in years
• With theoretically no doubt about the result
• In front of fewer people than an ISIS Bride return

Other than obligatory interest from rusted-on nuffies, the only public attractions were our ever-present threat of having a slapstick crash against rotten opposition, and the opportunity for basic people to do "Maybe they'll sack the coach again after this LOL ROFL" comedy if we won by heaps. Which we didn't, so it's back to the traditional skiing and cheese gags for another week.

I quite enjoyed our empty stadium match against the Eagles last year, and not just as a palate cleanser after the dead-set abortion of a finish a week earlier. Sadly, this year there was no "we happy few" speeches and grumbling about having to sit close to people in a 3/4 empty stadium. It was the first time since Footscray '19 that I've been so close to a Docklands game without being inside. To say I was close enough to hear the roar of the crowd implies either of those things existed. It's better for everyone this way. Last time I rearranged my life to attend all Victorian games, we were pox for the next decade.

Because my nerves are entirely shot, I spent the build-up emotionally preparing for the worst. The other side had recently lost twice by 100+, scored under 45 as many times, and were just beaten by Richmond. God only knows who half their players were, and if Milan Murdock was an alias because they didn't have the rights to his real name, but I was on red alert for either an anonymous rookie or space-filling journeyman to have a day out. Or one of their many years' worth of top draft picks. Basically anyone. 

On our side, you had defensive mastermind Daniel Turner out of the selected side with illness, replaced by a returning Andy Moniz-Wakefield. Which was great news for Australia's Most-Wanted, but left me expecting to be plundered by some rookie tall forward who was leaving Western Australia for the first time in his life. In a world where Malcolm Rosas kicked 7.0 against us, then became Mr. Can't play Melbourne every week by ending his fortnight on 7.0, no option was off the table.

West Coast also has Bailey J. Williams, who brings up memories of Billy J. Smith treating whatever stupidity he was calling on It's A Knockout like the Olympic 100m sprint. It was the perfect opportunity for footy equivalent Dwayne Russell to get an early start, then head home for his post-match treadmill review session. I thought he'd invoke the spirit of 90s supermodels not getting out of bed for less than $10,000 and hold out for a more consequential game, but his first words on introduction were "Absolutely can't wait for this". No idea how the stadium wasn't evacuated after his pants caught fire.

Even if he couldn't say it, maybe he was hoping we'd kill off rubbish opposition from the first bounce for once, and he'd get to feast on the entrails. Sadly, that's not our style. In Goodfellas, they didn't wait for [Spoiler] to have a cup of tea before whacking him, it was straight through the door and one in the head. At Docklands, Jake Bowey was welcomed back by hospital handball in the middle of the ground, Pickett (K) ran into somebody's head, and the Eagles opened with a seven point play. Clickbait media speculation aside, it will be ultimate 'game's gone' stuff if he goes down for a light brush against the scone of a player who bounced back up and had six scoring shots.

After a series of comedy turnovers, and Pickett (L) having history's most hilariously unnecessary bounce in the forward pocket, it was enter Langford to say "lead, follow, or get out of the way" and respond via a quality contested mark/set shot combo. Hooray for all our recent top draftees, but he's the main event. Didn't do that much for the rest of the game, but is still ace.

I suggest the Eagles saw Sydney surgically handballing their way through us last week and decided to try the same thing. They missed the bit where you're supposed to eventually kick to a free player inside 50 at the end, handballing all the way to the forward pocket, before missing the last free man. This facilitated coast-to-coast action, kicked off by The Bounce King having another two when not strictly required. 

Despite my nervousness, it seemed as if we'd eventually wreck their spirit the longer the game went. Turns out the first quarter was as good as it got. If the AFL declared an emergency fifth quarter for spectacle purposes, we may have lost. But it's all about premiership points, and even if we'd won by 200 the percentage gains would probably be wiped out later by some idiots having an unexpected draw. 

What element of party there was, began with Cross getting justice at the ground where his namesake finished a storied AFL career half unconscious in front of 9000 people. His set shot glided home in the style of a plane landing without fuel. Cross then got another via a tremendous tackle on a player who tried his best to make it slip below the knees. The vice-like grip was so severe Cross wasn't even dislodged from his torso. Then one of the experienced players who's supposed to be propping their team up had a sook and gave away 50. This begat JVR's second straight from the middle, so maybe it was a touch premature to say "Here we go" after conceding first.

One more goal and the quarter time margin would've left the Eagles needing to pull off a perverse comeback. Little did we know then, but the best bit of the game was over. Both teams had half-chances before quarter time, but there were no more goals. Last year, the West Coast bench called for Stone Cold Steve Austin, this time, they held up what looked like a cutscene from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. I'm usually gimmick-friendly, but does any of this random sign nonsense help players, or do they have to spend the week studying code books to know whether a portrait of Archduke Franz Ferdinand is an instruction to shoot or not?

In the ranking of five goal first quarters, this beat conceding just as many last week. We were obviously the better side, but the less opportunity for the opposition to regain their joy of life, the better. The only excitement was the revelation that an Eagles player had done a "Scat test" during the break. Hope he washed his hands after. A close second was Jiath trying to get extra distance on a set shot and kicking it OOF so comically that it made him limp.

West Coast had plenty of inside 50s, but delivered them like drunk drivers trying to parallel park buses. Finally, we got to attack quickly and found the opposition spread thin for Steele and Gawn to raffle the goal in a way that you could easily see going horribly wrong. Then, a fast break from the middle ended in van Rooyen bouncing through an uncharacteristic snap that even he looked shocked about. 

It was on the verge of blowing out again, and Andrew McQualter obviously thought, "why didn't they play like this when I was there?" and stuck a player behind the ball, seemingly trying to protect a six goal deficit until half time. NFI what the point of that is for a developing side other than shielding your players from suffering another violent battering. Worked out alright for him, so what do I know. It briefly looked like backfiring, when first we stuffed up a chance because there were too many available options in attack, then all the hard work to sludge the game up went (temporarily) up in smoke when they gave away a goal from a 50. 

It turned out to be grand strategy, because they got an immediate reply, missed another shot from the subsequent centre clearance, then took advantage of us completely buggering up efforts to waste the last 30 seconds, so in the end the goal was worth -7 points. And there was nearly more, with the ball down their end at the siren.

If you'd offered me winning the second half by a point I'd probably have taken it, just to remove any discussion about potentially blowing a five goal lead. The late goals still wasted a quarter after we briefly looked like unleashing violence on the underprivileged. And conceding the first after half time wasn't much fun either. But in came van Rooyen, after Chandler suckered an opponent into doing a flying leap into thin air, then Sharp and Jefferson to restore the margin after the cursed 50. 

After holding up the game five minutes into the first quarter to decide whether a ball was propelled over the boundary line via legal disposal or not, there was an even more farcical review here. The Eagles cleared a ball off their own line, got a free in the forward pocket, then had to wait and see if the umpire was correct that it hadn't been a point in the first place. If the free wasn't paid, when were they going to stop play and review it? And if it was a point, the free would've been void, and we'd have been kicking in instead of them having a shot on goal.

Petty held Waterman well in the first half, but this was the first leg of a quick triple-header crime wave against him. Chandler let slip in the post-match interview that Petty had trained as a forward all week and was only defending because Turner dropped out. Which was weird. Anyway, the post-review shot missed, then Waterman charitably set up two opportunities for teammates who had previously kicked about 10 goals in 400 games combined.

The second guy converted, but it was worth nada due to being sandwiched between two of our goals. First, AMW doubled down on his surprise appearance with a first career major, before Chandler spelunked through traffic in a way that will make me confiscate children's pocket money if that's what it takes to fund his new contract. 

Kade, look how happy you were after Moniz-Wakefield's goal. Where else would you rather be? My advice is not to answer any phone calls from Alex Neal-Bullen until signing a new contract.

This set up a half chance that we'd belt away to a massive victory in the last quarter. Or, if you prefer, there's the alternative plan of letting them kick two goals and missing another because of a rotten set shot. The margin would still have been nearly five goals, but with plenty of time to go I'd have been getting flashbacks to you-know-what. 

Life wasn't meant to be easy, but unlike a certain dark July afternoon, a settler made sure there was no hint of allowing the chasers to get on a run. I know the opposition have been pus for years, but van Rooyen's fifth still prompts the question, "is that normal Rooing you're doing?" He's been up and down like the proverbial this year, but I'm happy he got to fill his boots in Mihocek's absence. There was a shot at a sixth, but by then I think even he'd had enough. It either just snuck in for a point or went out on the full. Can't remember, because by then I was only interested in getting to the siren without any further injuries. On a related note - during the week, I'll be hosting a telethon to wipe out the scourge of 'left big toe'.

Is this the most precise injury report of all time? pic.twitter.com/MwGPUSfJhu

— Adam 1.0 (@Demonblog) May 10, 2026

From there, we went into extended training drill mode and looked to the future by doing defensive shit instead of trying to play like the Harlem Globetrotters. That worked until Billy J. Smith played his joker and goalled after a big contested mark. Then it was time for full, landfill-grade junk time. The only remaining highlight was Gawn being ROBBED BLIND out of a mark at the end. I want an umpire to make that decision late in a close, important game to see if people come over the fence. Ask me when we lose in similar circumstances, but I'd still rather cop the odd bad guess from umpires than waste time with endless video reviews.

It didn't make a difference, but thumbs up to captain and coach for still taking things seriously this late in the day.  

pic.twitter.com/AFiUUtmKMP

— Emlyn Breese (@EmlynBreese) May 10, 2026

It reminded me of the Holy 17 winning streak's last gasp. A comfortable but uninspiring win, at Docklands, in May, against opposition prone to conceding big scores. This time West Coast played the role of North, there was no election on, and I didn't have COVID. Otherwise, practically the same. Which means we should get about five goals up next week before dying in the arse and having teammates punch on at a fancy French restaurant. 

Our total score was less than West Coast's losing margin against St Kilda, but never mind. Perhaps my theory that we'd be competitive against good sides, and wreck the league's flotsam/jetsam was complete shite. Wouldn't be the first time. We've proven good enough to beat top teams, but may still lack the killer instinct required to violently dismember strugglers. If we'd beaten Essendon, I might have been disappointed at not going on with this, but after that slopfest I'm just happy to avoid potential hazards and win games. 

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Ed Langdon
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Kade Chandler
2 - Jake Bowey
1 - Jack Steele

Apologies to Cross, Gawn, Heath, Lever, Petty (first half), Sparrow

Leaderboard
Little movement at the top, on the rare occasion that neither of the leaders scored a vote. Steele gets within two BOG of the lead, Bowey launches his Seecamp campaign, all other business as per last week.

25 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
20 - Kysaiah Pickett
15 - Jack Steele
12 - Tom Sparrow
10 - Ed Langdon
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
7 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
6 - Caleb Windsor
5 - Harvey Langford
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Jake Bowey, Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
A slightly more difficult task, with Hawthorn in the weird Saturday twilight slot. Technically, I should be able to go to this, but Demonblog Jr. Jr's birthday is the next day so fat fucking chance I'll get to leave the house. On paper, we should lose, but they did just draw with a bog average Collingwood and die en masse in the final minutes against Freo, so you never know. I've just come back to finish this bit of the post and found the unfinished sentence "It would be good", but have no idea where that thought was going. Choose your own answer from "if we gave them a scare", "to take another big scalp", or "not to let Jack Gunston turn the clock back to his glory days again".

In an attempt to provide sensible team selection suggestions, I tuned into the Casey game when they were 15-14 in front, only for Carlton B to score 143 of the next 163 points. All I took from it was a) Trent Rivers is still alive but has done something to his previously lovely hair resembling that time Britney Spears went bonkers, b) Kentfield kicked 2.4 of the 3.17, and c) Casey had somebody called 'Tahj De La Rue', which is one of the fanciest names you'll ever see, with bonus style points for aristocratically splitting the surname into three parts.

Whether or not there's a spot for Kentfield in our forward line now that Gawn is resting down there, I don't care. It's disappointing he's not still wearing the sinister mask even when not required, but time to give him a go. I'll also have Rivers just because. Jefferson hasn't been bad, but he just had two kicks in a game against West Coast so let's give somebody else a go. See also Laurie, who was ok other than one absolutely piss-streaked forward entry straight to a defender, but has had his turn. Still not convinced by Jiath, but everyone should get the chance to have a crack against their old side. And we all love Latrelle but he must be due for a rotation soon.

IN: Kentfield, Rivers, Turner
OUT: Jefferson, Laurie, Moniz-Wakefield (omit)
LUCKY: Jiath, L. Pickett
UNLUCKY: McDonald

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Top 'mon of the week is Moniz-Wakefield, joining diverse contenders like Pickett (L) and Marty Hore in being nominated for his first goal.

Final thoughts
Take the points. Revive Disco. Be happy that we avoided looking like buffoons again. Move on.