Inside 50, outside contention

If we're doing a cover version of 1998, this might be the dud mid-season result that makes you think it's all over. In a Choose Your Own Adventure feature, you may blame it on a) selling games to the Northern Territory, b) the opposition unsportingly not letting us score freely, or c) going full Classic Goodwin and having bulk inside 50s for fuck all benefit. Surely even the nuffies who always think the umpires are at fault can't claim they were to blame for a performance that was in some ways loose as a goose, and in others, more congested than a Shanghai traffic jam.

I don't know if we'd have won this at the MCG, because I'm not sure we'd have been playing it there. This fixture has 'home game at Docklands in front of friends and family' written all over it. So, we took the usual shitload of money, put in the usual shizen performance, and nobody's any wiser about what the rest of the season holds. After being half-sucked in by the Hawthorn win, I'm willing to reset my expectations to 'average'. Yes, we came back from the dead to nearly win last week, but there's enough evidence by now to suggest any team capable of fast ball movement and competent defence will do us in. 

I'll give it a couple of weeks to see if the MCG is still the happiest place on earth. Yes, we did have a stench-fest of similar proportions against Essendon before coming back to beat multiple 2025 finalists. This performance had an air of "what do we do now?" panic that drained me of confidence. But the fact that there's confidence to lose halfway through the year is proof that things are going a lot better than expected. Fat lot of consolation that will be if we go tits up from here, so let's hope the '98 comeback tour gets going, and we can go all the way to losing a Prelim against North.

In a case of 'start as you mean to go on', we conceded the first goal after doing multiple stupid things - first giving away a free for not handing the ball back to the umpire, then Langdon was trapped on the last line of defence and kicked it anywhere to escape, which turned out to be straight to a Giants player. Then Petty celebrated his return to defence by casually wandering around in traffic before being caught holding the ball. Result - two goals in two minutes, by which point our only kick had been the shitbox one that led to the first goal.

So that wasn't going well, though Pickett (L) did well to mark a wonky, hopeful kick, which ended up being one of our best inside 50s all day, by virtue of how SHITE the rest of them were. You had forwards who wouldn't/couldn't find space, leaving us kicking to the old clump of players 20 metres out and expecting anybody to make something of that. It's what we recruited Mihocek to help with - once it became clear nobody under 30 can consistently do it, and he returned here to kick the first two. Probably while thinking about how he wasted his career with Collingwood, never getting to play at a ground with a truck parked behind the goals.

The second came via back-and-forth shenanigans, including Sharp being run down once, then almost doing it again. That didn't last long, and for most of the quarter, it looked like GWS was warming up for a training drill against cardboard cutouts representing Melbourne players. Which they were, but not without a spot of bad luck involving Latrelle being jibbed by a snap that bounced 50 centimetres from the line, then took a comedy bounce and didn't score at all. It would be inappropriate to say "it was that kind of day" because our issues went much deeper than one oval-shaped object pitching in random directions. What about all the times we had said item in hand and booted it straight down the gullet of a defender?

Your chances of understanding what was going on in this game were already reduced by having Dwayne on commentary, but were not helped by Channel 7 zooming in on everything, so neither the home viewer, or the guy calling off a TV in South Melbourne was sure of what was going on outside what was visible on screen. I'd say Seven do this deliberately to take the piss out of their competition, but Fox also has directors who think they're filming the Battle of Guadalcanal, so they're all as bad as each other. Russell also keeps going on about "the top 10" in a completely irony-free way that suggests he thinks it's the greatest footy innovation since the drop punt. He later called West Coast vs Essendon a "huge game". Come on man.

If Dwayne's random non-sequiturs and forced one-liners weren't enough for you, Nick Dal Santo's analysis of the GWS forward line was the all-time great mixed metaphor: "They're like islands, they've all got their own territory to hunt in".

This season has repeatedly shown that no matter how dreadful our attack looks in the moment, you can't write off a run of goals to make things interesting/very interesting. But not in this game, where the only remaining first quarter entertainment was provided by Pickett (K), surely breaking the record for warmest weather a long sleeve jumper has ever been worn in, kicking a ludicrous snap while running towards the boundary line. Can we just leave him forward a bit? I'm well aware of all the good he does around the ground, but he really is wasted anywhere behind the centre circle. Play him at bounces, then send him inside 50 to try and introduce a bit of terror for the defenders? 

We were about as threatening as an episode of My Little Pony here, and just miserably went to our doom with JVR and Jefferson taking to the AFL like two fill-in Casey players taking on peak Lever and May. And god only knows what Fritsch does these days, but no doubt we'll be handing him a nine-year contract extension at some point. Yes, welcome to the part of the year where baby and bathwater both dramatically go flying together. And refer to any number of posts from the past few years for discussion of how failing to keep the ball inside 50 leads to the other side belting the other way, with a cavalcade of free players standing on their own. 

If we didn't start kicking goals regularly, there was no chance of winning. Which sounds pretty bloody obvious, but the point is that there could be no 50-45 submission victory. We obviously weren't going to stop them teleporting the ball from one end to the other, leaving the backmen trying desperately to cover any number of opponents standing on their own. For the case against Alice Springs, it was a lot like last year, only without as many good scoring opportunities, and Bailey Laurie not hanging out on the bench for three quarters waiting to make his entire contribution to the season.

Other than the Pickett wondergoal, it was another flat performance without any standout players. A lot of them did good things, some strung it out for more than a quarter, but there was nothing you could point out and say "we lost, but at least..."  

In our reunion with Clayton Oliver, I'm glad he's still going with the trademark two minute noodle hair. That was one minute more than the number of effective possessions he got in the first quarter. He got into it after that, courtesy of however many millions of dollars we still owe on the contract. But, to start the second quarter, the damage was done by an ex-Demon we weren't paying for the privilege. Enter Toby Bedford who, you will not be surprised to find, was standing on his own in the square.

The margin was only seven, but felt like it should be plenty more. Gawn recognised this by taking a great defensive mark, then getting excited and sitting a kick up to be intercepted for a goal. Then they got another straight from the middle, featuring Greene outmarking Tholstrup and giving him a shove that I guess doesn't qualify as 'taunting' because it wasn't on the head. It came close enough to goal that I wish Tholstrup let him have the 50 after being grabbed by the jumper and hurled as far as possible towards goal, like an Olympic hammer thrower. 

Mihocek hit back from a tricky angle. The ungrateful bastards who were unhappy about Langford not marking at the end last week may wish to note that Mihocek's third never happened without Harvey risking death with an intercept mark. And it was all worth it for the 'steadier' that survived about 19 seconds. We were winning contested possession, but that means dick all when the scores are coming from players running around in acres of space under no pressure. The sense that it was all a bit of a shambles was furthered when a snap by Sharp was touched through by Gawn. I don't think he was trying to swipe the goal, he just looked up to see a footy coming at his head and tried to take evasive action. Could've just handballed it to him, standing there on his own, anyway. Goodbye to our full membership upgrade at The Entertainers.

If you're going to let free players run everywhere, best to do something when the ball gets inside 50. Finally, Jefferson got a free and converted, just after Russell (D) commented on the colour choice of Pickett (L)'s undies. Then, out of the middle, Chandler did tremendously well to keep a loose ball alive long enough for Langford to miss a snap. But the goal that made the margin a positively generous 12 was still there, after Oliver introduced himself to Latrelle with a high tackle. I'm not convinced by Pickett yet, and was preparing to defame his set shots when this went through. 

We'd been comprehensively outplayed, but were still in it. Not for the first time this year, so you never knew. To be honest, I knew. I can be guilty of gross cowardice at times, but for us to win this GWS would have needed its entire side to come down with the mystery shits at half time.

Didn't take long to find out where this was going, even after you-know-who called an alleged "brilliant snap by Daniels" which rolled out of bounds in the forward pocket. It did prove a good set up, leading to Cross being pinched holding the ball after a tackle on his hand. There's something you don't see often. More common, in this game anyway, was us labouring through about 12 disposals to move 50 metres, then finally getting the ball forward, only for it to come back the length of the ground in about three kicks.

Inside 50s are a piece of shit measurement, except when you have twice as many for infinitely fewer goals. They got up to about 4/6, by the time we were 0/14. Instead of well-constructed goals involving forwards, Trent Rivers had to run around an opponent and boot one from distance. A minute later, Gawn got manhandled out of a boundary throw-in for the reply. How did it even get down there so quickly? Christ only knows. 34 points may as well have been 74. 

Sparrow snapped one at the end of the quarter, but it was only there because Mihocek's shot at goal missed the lot. Cross had a shot after the siren, but in a week where a player was done for running off his line in similar circumstances, he was never going to be able to scam enough extra distance to kick it.

Technically, a 27-point margin was gettable, but I'd have eaten Ed Langdon's sweaty headband if we'd been able to outscore the Giants by 28 in the final quarter, the way we'd been defending ball movement. For anyone hanging onto the dream of a comeback, we started the last quarter with our best transition all day... and then botched the kick into attack. Said it all really. This was followed by the Giants kicking it around to free players long enough to open the door for a leading forward to run onto a pass under zero pressure. They got another from the middle, and our status was downgraded from 'probably rooted' to 'officially rooted'. 

All that was left was 15 minutes of the Giants running around red and blue traffic cones. Some hopeful people will try and claim we were beaten by the Giants' accuracy. It just saved us from seven, eight, or more point plays. Steele kicked a good goal on the run in the last, but it was shuffling deckchairs on the inland Titanic and I couldn't have been less interested in the last 10 minutes while still watching. Stuff happened, I saw it, and didn't care. Get on with next week and show us you've either a) learnt lessons, or b) we can only play on the MCG.

After the match, Steven King let himself down by bringing up expected score, which is about as relevant to this result as my unscientific 'feels like' measurement. It felt like we got pummelled here, and I'm not sure whether we should get grudging credit for keeping the margin to just 49, or GWS should be disappointed by not walloping us more violently.

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Daniel Turner
4 - Jack Steele
3 - Jake Bowey
2 - Brody Mihocek
1 - Koltyn Tholstrup

Hardly anybody deserved votes, so insincere apologies to K. Pickett and Petty for being next closest. 

Leaderboard
Nothing for the top two, so the only move of note is Steele back onto the podium. In another week of nobody going close in the Rising Star, it's starting to look like an issue that I didn't have an 'Any other player' option. Cross just made it onto the list in time, but how was I supposed to know we'd end up with three mid-season draftees?  

32 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
25 - Kysaiah Pickett
19 - Jack Steele
17 - Tom Sparrow
15 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
10 - Ed Langdon
9 - Jake Bowey
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
7 - Harvey Langford
6 - Caleb Windsor
4 - Brody Mihocek, Harrison Petty, Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
Get your Steven King's Birthday gimmick headlines out, time for our annual attempt to prove ourselves to Collingwood when they couldn't give two shits about us. In theory, they're on the skids, but we usually find a way to cock this game up, so I'm expecting to do something silly. I don't expect my proposed hatchet job on the forward line to be adopted, but they have to do something. You can't just say "it's the MCG, everything will be ok". Time to dump a few people. I could almost go Fritsch as well.

After a couple of down weeks for the midfield, I'd like to get the express inclusion treatment for mid-season draftee Joel Fitzgerald, who found out he was drafted after training at Williamstown, transferred straight to Casey, and had 40 possessions. That's the sort of resilience you need to play for Melbourne. So much better in front of 90,000 people. And for the love of all that is holy, can they just give Kentfield a crack already? Might have NFI in senior company for all I know, but surely he's done enough to get a go in front of one of the other misfiring forwards. 

We'll lose, and a Pies player you've never heard of will join the Oxley, Dick x2, Cox x2 (these are real people, I'm not doing a bit) Monarch's Birthday Kingsley Club. 

IN: Fitzgerald, Jiath, Kentfield, Lever, Melksham
OUT: Cross, Laurie, L. Pickett, Jefferson, van Rooyen (omit)
LUCKY: Fritsch, Moniz-Wakefield
UNLUCKY: McDonald

(UPDATE - Let the original text stand, but poor AMW is anything but lucky as he's done his knee again. Absolutely shithouse news). 

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Apologies to Miami Vice-style crime-fighting duo Sparrow and Steele, but obviously it was the ludicrous Pickett one from the boundary line. I hated this game so much that I refuse to dignify it by appointing a new clubhouse leader, but the good news is that he already leads for the goal against future chaos to premiers via wildcard round success story Carlton.

Vale Neale
This site has been going so long, it started with Neale Daniher's third last season as coach. Nothing I'm going to say will adequately pay tribute to him, but if you're going to have the misfortune of coming down with an incurable illness, the best you can do is fight it to the bitter end and do good for other people along the way. From a footballing perspective, I thank him for the 1998 and 2000 campaigns, two of my all-time favourite seasons. Remember '98 with our Hotter Than Hell retrospective, and remember Neale with your generous donations to fight MND. 

Final thoughts
This was like waking up and having a cup of piss thrown in your face, but if we do the right thing next week, I'll forget it happened.

It's Sunday for the Sweet FA

When you play the non-stop, footy equivalent of the bus out of Speed, it's inevitable that you'll eventually run into traffic and blow up. When we were on two goals halfway through the second quarter, one from an instinctive snap, and the other via an opposition player doing something stupid, I was thinking 51% "get us back to the MCG", and 49%, "oh no, we've been rumbled". 

Then we did a Mad Minute-style dash to half time, had the lead deep in the last quarter, and probably should've won despite playing nowhere near our recent best. Didn't happen, and as we like to say around here, maybe don't go five goals behind in the first place. All this was done with our forward line reduced to late-Goodwin levels of futility, so there's something to be said for making a game of it. But you can't redeem that for premiership points. 

I'll save my frequent nervous breakdown sufferer points in case there's a similar result if there's something on the line when we play them in the last round. The Bradbury Plan is in disarray now that there's real finals and fake finals, but we'll tackle that after King's Birthday. For now, I'm putting myself in the hands of the AFL LiveLadders prediction of us finishing eighth. Remember when that used to be light years ahead of 10th? Now everyone gets a prize. Regrettably, this might come in handy for us.

In a farcical start, viewers missed the first 90 seconds because Fox/Kayo hadn't finished showing the unexpectedly high-scoring earlier game. It turns out that in a league where multiple matches are often played simultaneously, they couldn't switch the feed to the one you wanted to watch. Stiff shit if you wanted pre-match build-up, here's Chris Fagan looking baffled on the Brisbane bench. And for the GWS fan, stiff shit if you wanted to enjoy the afterglow of your highest ever score, here's Jake Bowey.

Our game started late in a half-arse way to buy enough time to save them, but the buffoons in charge of the coverage still couldn't manage it. For the first time ever, Dwayne Russell's "if you've just joined us" was relevant. Yes, you could just go on Channel 7 but it's the principle of a streaming service just playing what's on a particular channel, even if it's not what you wanted to stream.

Out of respect for the viewing audience, the teams politely combined to score 0.0 in the time lost. The delay actually worked in my favour because I had to watch the opening minutes via phone on my way to the ground. Via this method, I saw us do a lovely end-to-end move that ended with Petty missing a relative sitter. This was followed by three Footscray goals by the time I got to a seat. But we got one through Laurie just as I sat down, and as far as I was concerned, it was one goal to nil. 

The rest of the opening quarter featured plenty of chances, which died in the arse due to an old school malfunctioning forward line. Jefferson, Petty, and van Rooyen all look much more likely to mark/make a decent contest on the wing than inside 50. Which is ok if you've got somebody who can take grabs and kick goals ahead of them. And when they didn't mark, there was a dearth (!?) of players at ground level who looked like converting half chances. We've scored enough quick bursts of goals this year to prove it can be done, but the challenge is to string it out over four quarters more often.

I know I'm being a yellow-bellied coward by waiting for the promise of this season to be exposed as a lie, but Footscray's ball movement carving through us with handballs reminded me of the Sydney game. Any team capable of doing it would be mad not to against us. The backline held up well after those opening goals, but we'll give decent sides enough chances that it's 'score or die', and it looked like the latter early in the second quarter. There was no hint of glamour side status as we bumbled around, looking unlikely to mount any sort of decent score.

I was really hoping we'd win just so I could mock the umpiring without it coming off as sour grapes. I'm usually understanding about how hard this sport is to umpire, but this was a putrid exhibition in both directions, and I can't believe the final result wasn't decided by an all-time great howler. They had particular trouble with first half forward contests. See, for example, Turner getting done twice for fictional contact, then Petty being paid a holding free when he'd been hanging onto the other guy. Pair up with a Dogs fan and create your own shame file of all the other shit decisions, but they didn't cost us the game.

No arguments about the Petty freebie, it got us a third goal we didn't look like creating with conventional methods. The game seemed like a time capsule of all the attacking disappointment from our recent past. And there was the minor matter of the Bulldogs having just kicked four goals in a row. This should've been returned quickly down the other end, until a free in front of goal was reversed due to the heinous crime of a player mockingly patting his opponent on the head. The day I use the word 'woke' seriously, I'll immediately sign up for voluntary euthanasia, but come on, is this where we're at? 

It's not quite a soccer team getting the arse 48 games into their season because an intern hid behind a tree filming opponents on a mobile phone, but it's on the way. Meanwhile, remember when you couldn't crack the shits at an umpire after a decision? Lucky that rule has been forgotten, because our players do some great incredulous reactions. And that's with undisputed master of the genre Tom McSizzle in the reserves.  

Later, Jake Bowey had a ball stuck in his face by somebody improbably called 'Arthur' after being outmarked. Last time players were called Arthur you'd have been run out of the game for doing that, and possibly described as the ultimate insult, a "mug lair". Next thing, that will draw a free kick too. I say, let's have more of it. More head-patting, more ball-display, and as much non-violent ill-feeling between players as possible. Give the people what they want.

As offensive as I found the reversed free, it kicked off our best part of the game. It didn't have the savage qualities of the Mad Minute, but got us back in the game after things were looking dicey. Gawn started it with the best enormous man snap you'll ever see despite having just been poked in the eye. He's had so many digits jammed into his face over the years - for zero free kicks - that it'll be a miracle if he's not led into his Hall of Fame induction by a guide dog. Then, straight out of the middle, Langford got one, followed by Rivers after the siren. And things were looking a lot better than before the illegal head patting.

After turning up halfway through the first quarter, this was the point where I couldn't stand being around people any more and went home. So the goals weren't just good for getting us back in the game, they also made sure it didn't look like a sour grapes half-time exit because my team was getting thrashed. I put my phone on 'do not disturb', drove home, and picked up the game at about the same time the rest of you were watching us cock-up a lead late in the fourth quarter. 

Not only does Kayo struggle to provide the game you ask for, when you pick a game 'from start', the timeline scroll bar on a mobile is so precariously close to the 'Jump to Live' button that getting to the start of the third quarter had to be done with the care and precision of disarming a bomb. Then it was the full express watch, pressing +10 seconds at every stoppage, and skipping between goals and the restart. The lack of any time to relax, especially in a thriller, really gets your heart rate going. But not at first, when we conceded most of the early goals, and were almost back to the same place before the big first half finish.

For the second time, we were saved by a goal from a 50. Turner's finish made me wish we had one of him at either end. This game from a tremendous Bowey kick and playing on after a point, looking like he was running himself into trouble, then hitting Turner in the middle of the ground. On the basis of this, I would have Bowey hit a target off the half-back line to save my life. No pressure. When Sharp got another straight after, it was back on, even though we'd been outplayed for the quarter. Even when they got a late one, we responded immediately through Cross, and your good for neutrals/heart attack-inducing for everyone else grandstand finish was on the cards.

I thought we were a decent chance, especially having run out games well this year, but let's not overlook the fact that the Dogs had been a better side all day. Nothing to stop them from going to pieces in the final term, but they weren't going to cave just because we'd cut the margin from 33 to two. The pattern of being outplayed but getting away with it continued when they had all the early attack but conceded the first goal when old mate Arthur (views on being caught between the moon and New York City not recorded) dived on a ball in the square. Despite his disinterested standing on the mark, not even bothering to raise the arms, Sharp went as close as possible to missing from the pointest of point blank ranges.

After his return to form on the same ground a week ago, JVR was pox here. Yay for three contested marks, but he barely went near it inside 50. Then he finally gets a decent chance to put us back in front from a spot he'd usually kick it from with eyes closed and misses. Between him and Jefferson having peg-leg set shots and Fritsch blundering around adding nothing, it's a miracle we even reached a score that would've been above average last year.

Matt Hill is usually the sensible commentator, especially in partnership with Dwayne, but saying Lever was "rolling about on the ground" when he'd obviously knocked himself goofy landing from a megaspoil was a bit harsh. Firstly, we know you're watching on TV in a studio so you had the close-up of Lever looking like he was in Cloud Cuckoo Land. Secondly, for what purpose would he be rolling around recreationally on the Docklands surface?

After several frantic minutes without a goal, my big mistake was thinking that we might win after Langdon ambled into an open goal with not much time left. This ignored the evidence that we'd been defending grimly all quarter, and didn't have Lever, whose position was covered by the only tall forward who'd given a decent contest all day. For fans of storylines paying off/moral justice, the guy who'd been dudded for head-slapping kicked the goal that put the Dogs back in front, leaving us with not much time to get one back and win.

I nearly had an Ebola-esque liquification of bodily organs when it looked like Langford marked at the end. If there was ever time for Pickett to hush up the muppets booing him it'd have been by plucking a winning goal from his arse here. Alas it ended with the Dogs extracting the ball and pelting off on a time-draining run a'la Austin Wonaeamirri vs Brisbane 2009. Turns out the added bonus of going home early was the option to turn off with one second left and not have to see happy opposition people.

It wasn't the result we wanted, but near enough at well short of 100% capacity to keep alive the fantasy that this season might turn out ok. If we're going to keep trying to be The Entertainers, we've got to fix the forward line though. Not just the scoring, but retaining the ball down there and not letting the opposition rebound at warp-speed. Still, we've seen enough good this season to know that there's still plenty more fun to be had by the end of the year. So it goes. On to the next one.  

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Jake Bowey
3 - Max Gawn
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Harvey Langford

Apologies to Chandler, Jiath, Lever, Sparrow, Steele and Turner.

Leaderboard
Slight reduction of gap at the top, and after the recent Sparrow charge it's back to looking unlikely that anyone will run down the top two. No action in the minor categories BUT we did receive a midweek enquiry about Langdon's Seecamp eligibility due to his recent Salem-ish activities. The committee has met at a secret underground location and deemed the answer to be 'not yet'. They have also ruled, perhaps more controversially, that Petty is currently ineligible for the same award. More on these storylines in weeks to follow.

32 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
25 - Kysaiah Pickett
17 - Tom Sparrow
15 - Jack Steele
10 - Ed Langdon, Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
7 - Harvey Langford
6 - Jake Bowey, Caleb Windsor
4 - Harrison Petty
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
It's off to Alice Springs for the big Clayton Oliver reunion, where the money we get for transferring a home game there goes towards paying him to play against us. The Giants just kicked 14 goals to nil in a quarter against the reigning premiers

For the first time in weeks, Casey was on the right side of a first quarter slaughter. Other than the joy of Melksham running riot, and Moniz-Wakefield looking like a star, my other key takeaways were a) condolences to Oskar Baker for not getting the chance to fix up his old side in the seniors, b) Footscray player Del Amitri was a fitting tribute to the briefly relevant 90s band, c) they also had Stirling Phipps-Parson, which is the most MFC-sounding opposition player since Rochford Devenish-Meares. And isn't it good to get him back on after a couple of weeks?

With Lever a certain out due to his rolling around condition, I'll have Petty back just to crack open a spot for the much anticipated (since about Round 22 last year) debut of Ken T. Field. And AMW needs to be in the side, so as Laurie no longer has a 100% winning record, he may rotate out. And make your own selection of whether to chuck Jefferson or JVR for Melksham.

No earthly idea how we'll go. Based on factors including an opposition prone to violent mood swings, first time for KingBall on this ground, and the fear that it'll all go tits up for us if there's any rain, I'll tip a win.

IN: Kentfield, Melksham, Moniz-Wakefield
OUT: Jefferson, Laurie (omit), Lever (inj)
LUCKY: Heath, van Rooyen
UNLUCKY: Henderson, McDonald, L. Pickett

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
It must be the Gawn snap while he was still feeling the effects of having a finger jammed into his eye. Bonus points for absurdity, but not enough to take the clubhouse lead.

Final thoughts
Now that Carlton has won two in a row we'll hear all about how great the wildcard is for giving hope to fans of all teams etc... etc... It also makes results like this less consequential, which might be good for us now but I philosophically disagree with to the same degree as war crimes.

Stick a Hawk in the toaster

A record home crowd, continued mastery of the sport's most important ground, and sensible people in commemorative caps coming out ahead of grown adults in Reject Shop wizard hats. What's not to like?

Hopefully, this was a good enough follow-up for the people who were bitterly disappointed at not beating West Coast by 137 points last week. The usual footy maths calculations don't apply to this team. We'd all like to batter a down on their luck side in savage fashion, but I'm quite happy with going through the motions, then completing an eight premiership point play the next week. 

Hawthorn had key players missing at both ends, but that's life. If you're an alleged flag aspirant, you'll find somebody to replace them. Maybe they're not. Maybe we... Let's not get silly about things, but this was a very good win. At times it was unattractive, but when we got going, the excitement level was off the charts. I'm clamping the lid on because there's going to be a reality check somewhere along the way, but other than one obvious exception, this season has been '98 level enjoyable.

At this stage, I'd be willing to do an armed robbery if Steven King told me to, but what about responding to Hawthorn picking a bunch of tall forwards by sending Petty forward? This is about the 13th time he's switched ends in the last five years, and I've gone from loving it to despising it, with various degrees of grudging acceptance in between. 

Hawthorn's coaching staff missed the post-match interview last week where it was revealed he was meant to play forward, because this came as a Pearl Harbour-level surprise to their defenders. First he bobs up in a pack for the mark and goal, then he got the second via a snap that no converted premiership defender has the right to kick.

The fun slowed down for a bit after that, and in the first VFL/AFL game ever to feature a Calsher vs a Koltyn, the former missed a pair of set shots. Hawthorn finally got the second from an angle/distance within their range after Langdon got pinched holding the ball, then gave away a 50 by trying to launch his own video review challenge by telling the umpire to watch the big screen replay. The umpire responded by saying, "Yes, Ed, I would like to make another decision" and advancing the kick from hard on the boundary line to five metres out in the square. This was part of a first half where Langdon had a spectacular fall from being our best last week to looking like he'd only just taken up the sport.

I still don't believe our high scoring is real, and keep stressing that whenever the opposition kicks a goal, we're not going to be able to respond. But it keeps happening - except for whatever reason against a side on a 17 game losing streak. See, for instance, van Rooyen replying with a snap past two defenders who 95% of the time would've got at least one part of their body on it. From his reaction, I don't think JVR could believe it went through either.

Conceding the last goal and going to quarter time with scores level was unfortunate, but you could tell we were right up for it, and they were perhaps not. It wasn't just hanging around as nuisance value while kicking set shots as if drunk, like last year's corresponding fixture. There was a sense we were right in this, helped by the opening two goals of the second term. Suspicions of Hawthorn taking a casual attitude to the contest were helped by a set shot around the corner not making the distance from 25 metres out. But, this kicked off their best passage of the game, with two goals - including one end-to-end with a ripper of a finish from the boundary line. I think the FanFooty log sums the state of the game up more succinctly than I ever could:

Yes they had, and yes they were. But only until Mr. Main Event himself Harvey Langford turned up for a goal to restore the half time lead. It could've been even better had Jefferson not shanked a set shot after the siren, but I was willing to believe that this wasn't going to end in a fourth quarter implosion like last year.

Despite Jefferson's miss, this turned out to be his best game yet. To play amateur psychologist, I hope this was good for his confidence. He obviously has natural talent but looks like he doesn't believe he should be in this position. We've all been there, but not usually in front of 65,000 people. He got the first of the third quarter, kicking off a spot of madness where both Laurie and Langdon followed and built up a handy lead. It held, but not without brief challenges from the opposition, and a coach who looked as if he'd smash something through the wall if the cameras were turned off. 

They replied with two, then we got three, including the lowest percentage successful handoff in history, as Steele handballed to Fritsch running past him on the boundary side, and somehow it ended in a goal. This excited Fritsch so much that he later attempted to recreate the running goal from the opposite side pocket against Geelong in 2024, which was the last gasp of our era as a premiership-quality team before the rot set in. Didn't work as well. Nor did Pickett (L) trying to wrong-foot the opponent in front of him, forgetting there was another right behind him.

After all that, phrases like "here we go", and "isn't that bloody typical" were aired when Hawthorn got one with 90 seconds left. But your friend and mine, Langford was there for a reverse DemonTime reply, and good times were back on the agenda. 

Based on the season to date, we should've been good for a 20 point lead in the last quarter, but I was obviously not taking anything for granted. Indeed, I was metaphorically shitting myself at the prospect of leaving the door open. Enter the cheeriest man in footy, Kade Chandler, to roll through a long shot which took a kind bounce and briefly threatened to sit up perfectly for Petty to smash home off the ground. 

There was plenty of time left for a cock-up, but for the nervous viewer, this was the dictionary definition of a settler. Further settling was provided by the Hawks missing more gettable set shots, before Howes did a turbo run through the middle to set up Pickett (K) for a second and, realistically, we were home. I couldn't bring myself to see it that way, until Sparrow turned the next centre bounce into a Sharp goal, then there was some element of relaxation. The most comfortable person would be Sparrow's agent, who is sitting there watching the value of his next contract go up like a stock market boom.

And so it went on, ending for our purposes with Fritsch getting a conventional one after James Sicily realised the futility of fighting on and just let himself be tackled. The open questions are a) how will Steven King react when we have a few down weeks, and b) does the crowd still go boonta for Sweet Caroline after Harry Sharp kicks a goal while we're getting thrashed? May we never have to find out the answer to either. By the time Sharp put on two in the last quarter romp, even I had a positive view of that bloody song. 

It would've looked even better if we hadn't let in a couple of goals at the end, but you'd have to be a ruthlessly hard bastard to let that ruin your enjoyment of a rampant last term. This was a terrific result, both ugly and beautiful at times, but when the game was there to be won, we joyfully kicked quality opposition in the knackers. My refusal to go for the local team in 1988 has cost me a shitload of flags and assorted good times, but this was a rare occasion where it paid off. Added bonus - not having to wear toilet colours or a cheap wizard hat.     

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Tom Sparrow
4 - Max Gawn
3 - Daniel Turner
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Harvey Langford

Apologies to practically everyone else.

Leaderboard
Max is back, restoring his near two-BOG lead. The lost member of the Viney family, Sparrow is on his way to an inaugural podium finish, passing Steele for third. Before this year he only had 17 career votes total, equal with Byron Pickett and Clint Bizzell. Now he's one vote off passing Cale Morton. Christ, I've been doing this for a long time. In the minors, the Turner stranglehold on the Seecamp is tightening, and after Heath's Rising Star near miss in Sydney, we're still in 'no eligible player' territory. 

29 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
20 - Kysaiah Pickett
17 - Tom Sparrow
15 - Jack Steele
10 - Ed Langdon, Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
6 - Harvey Langford, Caleb Windsor
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Jake Bowey, Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harrison Petty, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
Back to the ground once known as Fortress Docklands to see if we can do over another team with 'West' in their name. Yes, it's time to reinstate a rivalry with the Bulldogs which burned brightly for about 12 months and nobody has given a rats about since. Mainly because we've been unwatchable for two years. Now glamour team status has arrived, and there should be proper interest in this. Let's not get too excited by them losing to Carlton. That's probably worse for us because now Beveridge will spend the week making players crawl under barbed wire with machine guns being fired over their heads, so they'll be right up for it.

Last week, I came into the Casey game when they were winning, and it ended in an epic pounding. This time they'd just conceded a 40 point quarter time lead and looked like being violated again, then held it together to lose by not much more. Key finding - St Kilda had a player called Billy McGee-Galimberti, which is the most improbable name since Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo. Otherwise nada. Amateur selection sleuths could point to Kentfield's two goals from three kicks. Not sure if that's a case for, or against picking him but it's probably not happening anyway. Could always play him as the 5% second ruck instead of Heath, which I base entirely on a game where he had one hitout.  

If Windsor has recovered from his case of left big toe, he's an automatic inclusion. In the other direction goes Latrelle, who we all love but just had two kicks at zero percent efficiency. If he was Latrelle Smith nobody would argue about it. Put your feet up for a week son. And I'll keep Laurie, who I'm not crazy about, but am willing to go with for a bit longer.

There shall be no Tom Campbell, who retired during the week after his earlier neck injury. He joins names like no relation Robert Campbell, Majak Daw, and Ezra Poyas in the hallowed MFC Hall of Experienced Recruits Who Never Played A Game. Not much of a tourist attraction that one, but we wish them well, and appreciate any contributions to the all-important MFC cause.

IN: Windsor
OUT: L. Pickett (omit)
LUCKY: Heath, Laurie
UNLUCKY: Kentfield, McDonald, Moniz-Wakefield

If this game was being played at the MCG I'd be semi-confident (almost the highest level I can get), but we can win at their place. There are some major Gather Round-level disappointments in our future (including the obligatory coming back to earth with a thud on Not Steven King's Birthday), but may they take a bit longer to turn up. Dees to either win, lose, or draw.

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
As Dr. Seuss would put it, Fritsch on the run was fun, but grading on the probability of the player involved kicking it, and general degree of difficulty (call it something like expected score), it must be the Petty snap. It's up there with the best of the season, but Pickett vs Carlton is still your overall leader.

Final thoughts
I've got no idea where this season ends up, and whether we'll end up in the real finals, fake finals, or no finals at all. But at the point of equalling our win total from last year by Round 10, let's have another moment for the DEAD SET FUCKHEADS who buried us for trading Petracca and Oliver before Round 1. It seems to be working out for everyone at this point. Perhaps we'd have still seen the birth of the Tom Sparrow midfield experience, but not to the same degree. And how good is life without off-field drama? Involving players anyway.  

The smaller the cult, the purer the devotion

If you ranked all 207 home and away games this season on excitement, hype, and anticipation, this was surely one of the seven. Some matches have it all, and some matches have:

• A lightly supported Victorian team
• Playing a home game at somebody else's stadium
• At 1pm on Mother's Day
• Against interstate opposition that hasn't fired a shot in years
• With theoretically no doubt about the result
• In front of fewer people than an ISIS Bride return

Other than obligatory interest from rusted-on nuffies, the only public attractions were our ever-present threat of having a slapstick crash against rotten opposition, and the opportunity for basic people to do "Maybe they'll sack the coach again after this LOL ROFL" comedy if we won by heaps. Which we didn't, so it's back to the traditional skiing and cheese gags for another week.

I quite enjoyed our empty stadium match against the Eagles last year, and not just as a palate cleanser after the dead-set abortion of a finish a week earlier. Sadly, this year there was no "we happy few" speeches and grumbling about having to sit close to people in a 3/4 empty stadium. It was the first time since Footscray '19 that I've been so close to a Docklands game without being inside. To say I was close enough to hear the roar of the crowd implies either of those things existed. It's better for everyone this way. Last time I rearranged my life to attend all Victorian games, we were pox for the next decade.

Because my nerves are entirely shot, I spent the build-up emotionally preparing for the worst. The other side had recently lost twice by 100+, scored under 45 as many times, and were just beaten by Richmond. God only knows who half their players were, and if Milan Murdock was an alias because they didn't have the rights to his real name, but I was on red alert for either an anonymous rookie or space-filling journeyman to have a day out. Or one of their many years' worth of top draft picks. Basically anyone. 

On our side, you had defensive mastermind Daniel Turner out of the selected side with illness, replaced by a returning Andy Moniz-Wakefield. Which was great news for Australia's Most-Wanted, but left me expecting to be plundered by some rookie tall forward who was leaving Western Australia for the first time in his life. In a world where Malcolm Rosas kicked 7.0 against us, then became Mr. Can't play Melbourne every week by ending his fortnight on 7.0, no option was off the table.

West Coast also has Bailey J. Williams, who brings up memories of Billy J. Smith treating whatever stupidity he was calling on It's A Knockout like the Olympic 100m sprint. It was the perfect opportunity for footy equivalent Dwayne Russell to get an early start, then head home for his post-match treadmill review session. I thought he'd invoke the spirit of 90s supermodels not getting out of bed for less than $10,000 and hold out for a more consequential game, but his first words on introduction were "Absolutely can't wait for this". No idea how the stadium wasn't evacuated after his pants caught fire.

Even if he couldn't say it, maybe he was hoping we'd kill off rubbish opposition from the first bounce for once, and he'd get to feast on the entrails. Sadly, that's not our style. In Goodfellas, they didn't wait for [Spoiler] to have a cup of tea before whacking him, it was straight through the door and one in the head. At Docklands, Jake Bowey was welcomed back by hospital handball in the middle of the ground, Pickett (K) ran into somebody's head, and the Eagles opened with a seven point play. Clickbait media speculation aside, it will be ultimate 'game's gone' stuff if he goes down for a light brush against the scone of a player who bounced back up and had six scoring shots.

After a series of comedy turnovers, and Pickett (L) having history's most hilariously unnecessary bounce in the forward pocket, it was enter Langford to say "lead, follow, or get out of the way" and respond via a quality contested mark/set shot combo. Hooray for all our recent top draftees, but he's the main event. Didn't do that much for the rest of the game, but is still ace.

I suggest the Eagles saw Sydney surgically handballing their way through us last week and decided to try the same thing. They missed the bit where you're supposed to eventually kick to a free player inside 50 at the end, handballing all the way to the forward pocket, before missing the last free man. This facilitated coast-to-coast action, kicked off by The Bounce King having another two when not strictly required. 

Despite my nervousness, it seemed as if we'd eventually wreck their spirit the longer the game went. Turns out the first quarter was as good as it got. If the AFL declared an emergency fifth quarter for spectacle purposes, we may have lost. But it's all about premiership points, and even if we'd won by 200 the percentage gains would probably be wiped out later by some idiots having an unexpected draw. 

What element of party there was, began with Cross getting justice at the ground where his namesake finished a storied AFL career half unconscious in front of 9000 people. His set shot glided home in the style of a plane landing without fuel. Cross then got another via a tremendous tackle on a player who tried his best to make it slip below the knees. The vice-like grip was so severe Cross wasn't even dislodged from his torso. Then one of the experienced players who's supposed to be propping their team up had a sook and gave away 50. This begat JVR's second straight from the middle, so maybe it was a touch premature to say "Here we go" after conceding first.

One more goal and the quarter time margin would've left the Eagles needing to pull off a perverse comeback. Little did we know then, but the best bit of the game was over. Both teams had half-chances before quarter time, but there were no more goals. Last year, the West Coast bench called for Stone Cold Steve Austin, this time, they held up what looked like a cutscene from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. I'm usually gimmick-friendly, but does any of this random sign nonsense help players, or do they have to spend the week studying code books to know whether a portrait of Archduke Franz Ferdinand is an instruction to shoot or not?

In the ranking of five goal first quarters, this beat conceding just as many last week. We were obviously the better side, but the less opportunity for the opposition to regain their joy of life, the better. The only excitement was the revelation that an Eagles player had done a "Scat test" during the break. Hope he washed his hands after. A close second was Jiath trying to get extra distance on a set shot and kicking it OOF so comically that it made him limp.

West Coast had plenty of inside 50s, but delivered them like drunk drivers trying to parallel park buses. Finally, we got to attack quickly and found the opposition spread thin for Steele and Gawn to raffle the goal in a way that you could easily see going horribly wrong. Then, a fast break from the middle ended in van Rooyen bouncing through an uncharacteristic snap that even he looked shocked about. 

It was on the verge of blowing out again, and Andrew McQualter obviously thought, "why didn't they play like this when I was there?" and stuck a player behind the ball, seemingly trying to protect a six goal deficit until half time. NFI what the point of that is for a developing side other than shielding your players from suffering another violent battering. Worked out alright for him, so what do I know. It briefly looked like backfiring, when first we stuffed up a chance because there were too many available options in attack, then all the hard work to sludge the game up went (temporarily) up in smoke when they gave away a goal from a 50. 

It turned out to be grand strategy, because they got an immediate reply, missed another shot from the subsequent centre clearance, then took advantage of us completely buggering up efforts to waste the last 30 seconds, so in the end the goal was worth -7 points. And there was nearly more, with the ball down their end at the siren.

If you'd offered me winning the second half by a point I'd probably have taken it, just to remove any discussion about potentially blowing a five goal lead. The late goals still wasted a quarter after we briefly looked like unleashing violence on the underprivileged. And conceding the first after half time wasn't much fun either. But in came van Rooyen, after Chandler suckered an opponent into doing a flying leap into thin air, then Sharp and Jefferson to restore the margin after the cursed 50. 

After holding up the game five minutes into the first quarter to decide whether a ball was propelled over the boundary line via legal disposal or not, there was an even more farcical review here. The Eagles cleared a ball off their own line, got a free in the forward pocket, then had to wait and see if the umpire was correct that it hadn't been a point in the first place. If the free wasn't paid, when were they going to stop play and review it? And if it was a point, the free would've been void, and we'd have been kicking in instead of them having a shot on goal.

Petty held Waterman well in the first half, but this was the first leg of a quick triple-header crime wave against him. Chandler let slip in the post-match interview that Petty had trained as a forward all week and was only defending because Turner dropped out. Which was weird. Anyway, the post-review shot missed, then Waterman charitably set up two opportunities for teammates who had previously kicked about 10 goals in 400 games combined.

The second guy converted, but it was worth nada due to being sandwiched between two of our goals. First, AMW doubled down on his surprise appearance with a first career major, before Chandler spelunked through traffic in a way that will make me confiscate children's pocket money if that's what it takes to fund his new contract. 

Kade, look how happy you were after Moniz-Wakefield's goal. Where else would you rather be? My advice is not to answer any phone calls from Alex Neal-Bullen until signing a new contract.

This set up a half chance that we'd belt away to a massive victory in the last quarter. Or, if you prefer, there's the alternative plan of letting them kick two goals and missing another because of a rotten set shot. The margin would still have been nearly five goals, but with plenty of time to go I'd have been getting flashbacks to you-know-what. 

Life wasn't meant to be easy, but unlike a certain dark July afternoon, a settler made sure there was no hint of allowing the chasers to get on a run. I know the opposition have been pus for years, but van Rooyen's fifth still prompts the question, "is that normal Rooing you're doing?" He's been up and down like the proverbial this year, but I'm happy he got to fill his boots in Mihocek's absence. There was a shot at a sixth, but by then I think even he'd had enough. It either just snuck in for a point or went out on the full. Can't remember, because by then I was only interested in getting to the siren without any further injuries. On a related note - during the week, I'll be hosting a telethon to wipe out the scourge of 'left big toe'.

Is this the most precise injury report of all time? pic.twitter.com/MwGPUSfJhu

— Adam 1.0 (@Demonblog) May 10, 2026

From there, we went into extended training drill mode and looked to the future by doing defensive shit instead of trying to play like the Harlem Globetrotters. That worked until Billy J. Smith played his joker and goalled after a big contested mark. Then it was time for full, landfill-grade junk time. The only remaining highlight was Gawn being ROBBED BLIND out of a mark at the end. I want an umpire to make that decision late in a close, important game to see if people come over the fence. Ask me when we lose in similar circumstances, but I'd still rather cop the odd bad guess from umpires than waste time with endless video reviews.

It didn't make a difference, but thumbs up to captain and coach for still taking things seriously this late in the day.  

pic.twitter.com/AFiUUtmKMP

— Emlyn Breese (@EmlynBreese) May 10, 2026

It reminded me of the Holy 17 winning streak's last gasp. A comfortable but uninspiring win, at Docklands, in May, against opposition prone to conceding big scores. This time West Coast played the role of North, there was no election on, and I didn't have COVID. Otherwise, practically the same. Which means we should get about five goals up next week before dying in the arse and having teammates punch on at a fancy French restaurant. 

Our total score was less than West Coast's losing margin against St Kilda, but never mind. Perhaps my theory that we'd be competitive against good sides, and wreck the league's flotsam/jetsam was complete shite. Wouldn't be the first time. We've proven good enough to beat top teams, but may still lack the killer instinct required to violently dismember strugglers. If we'd beaten Essendon, I might have been disappointed at not going on with this, but after that slopfest I'm just happy to avoid potential hazards and win games. 

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Ed Langdon
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Kade Chandler
2 - Jake Bowey
1 - Jack Steele

Apologies to Cross, Gawn, Heath, Lever, Petty (first half), Sparrow

Leaderboard
Little movement at the top, on the rare occasion that neither of the leaders scored a vote. Steele gets within two BOG of the lead, Bowey launches his Seecamp campaign, all other business as per last week.

25 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
20 - Kysaiah Pickett
15 - Jack Steele
12 - Tom Sparrow
10 - Ed Langdon
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
7 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
6 - Caleb Windsor
5 - Harvey Langford
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Jake Bowey, Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
A slightly more difficult task, with Hawthorn in the weird Saturday twilight slot. Technically, I should be able to go to this, but Demonblog Jr. Jr's birthday is the next day so fat fucking chance I'll get to leave the house. On paper, we should lose, but they did just draw with a bog average Collingwood and die en masse in the final minutes against Freo, so you never know. I've just come back to finish this bit of the post and found the unfinished sentence "It would be good", but have no idea where that thought was going. Choose your own answer from "if we gave them a scare", "to take another big scalp", or "not to let Jack Gunston turn the clock back to his glory days again".

In an attempt to provide sensible team selection suggestions, I tuned into the Casey game when they were 15-14 in front, only for Carlton B to score 143 of the next 163 points. All I took from it was a) Trent Rivers is still alive but has done something to his previously lovely hair resembling that time Britney Spears went bonkers, b) Kentfield kicked 2.4 of the 3.17, and c) Casey had somebody called 'Tahj De La Rue', which is one of the fanciest names you'll ever see, with bonus style points for aristocratically splitting the surname into three parts.

Whether or not there's a spot for Kentfield in our forward line now that Gawn is resting down there, I don't care. It's disappointing he's not still wearing the sinister mask even when not required, but time to give him a go. I'll also have Rivers just because. Jefferson hasn't been bad, but he just had two kicks in a game against West Coast so let's give somebody else a go. See also Laurie, who was ok other than one absolutely piss-streaked forward entry straight to a defender, but has had his turn. Still not convinced by Jiath, but everyone should get the chance to have a crack against their old side. And we all love Latrelle but he must be due for a rotation soon.

IN: Kentfield, Rivers, Turner
OUT: Jefferson, Laurie, Moniz-Wakefield (omit)
LUCKY: Jiath, L. Pickett
UNLUCKY: McDonald

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Top 'mon of the week is Moniz-Wakefield, joining diverse contenders like Pickett (L) and Marty Hore in being nominated for his first goal.

Final thoughts
Take the points. Revive Disco. Be happy that we avoided looking like buffoons again. Move on.

The Entertainers come unstuck

If you're going to get a surprise farewell present from your employer, Simon Goodwin's million dollar payout sure beats the usual trifecta of flowers, card, and awkward morning tea. Even better when the money funds a mid-career break, hanging out on the boundary line of the top team in the competition. In our first meeting with the only living MFC premiership coach, I'm sure Goodwin was more interested in getting a win with his new side than what his exes are up to, but must have been absolutely baffled to see us score 114 points and lose. That used to be good for a six goal win in his glory days. More familiar elements of our performance would've been mad panic bombing to a crowded forward line, a key defender thrashing Charlie Curnow before ending up on the losing side, and some random Kingsley kandidate running riot in a performance he'll never go close to repeating.

Ask me next Sunday how I feel about this result. I'm pleased at the way we ran it out just when it looked like the Swans were going to pile on 15 goals to nil, but the last time we had a game against a NSW side where you had to wait a week to play at Docklands and find out if the form was real, North beat us by 10 goals. So, if we do as expected against a team that's been losing games by a hundred points for fun, I'll admit this was a hard-fought, honourable defeat. If not, it won't matter because I'll be floating face down in Docklands Harbour.

There was a lot to like about this performance, especially after losing the great forward line straightener-upperer to injury early in the first quarter. But then there's also conceding 19.17 to a wide variety of players, many who were at the end of a production line of free men strung from one end of the ground to the other. But no need to be excessively sour, Sydney has achieved Geelong-style unflushable nugget status and bounced back from a down season to be good again. Bring back the shabby 2025 edition we beat so easily that Mrs. Petracca swore on TV (before they still won five more games). 

Adjusted for quality of opposition, that was Goodwin's last really good win as coach. Maybe his learnings and connection dossier came in handy for the Swans here? I'd like to think he was a bit downhearted at how many points we were conceding, but I blame the speed the ball went down there at, and all the uncontested possessions along the way. When we slowed them down enough to force contests the backmen were fine - and in the case of Turner, extremely good - but when we turned the ball over they were left trying to guard so many free players we should've called for a head count. 

In a week of trying to invoke the Spirit of '21 with an early season off-field purge, it was back to the recently much-loved 3.15 Sunday slot. Different CG, different result, but as if any of us expected to be involved in a top four clash at this (or any) point of the season. Now that I've got a taste for winning, I didn't like the alternative but appreciated fighting it out until the end.

For all the shit Kayo gets for being expensive and unreliable, I appreciated watching this game with one of the all time most sensible commentary teams. Ok, they called Fritsch "Fritz" all day, but otherwise until Jason Bennett's calling career is revived, I'll have Matt Hill and Corbin Middlemas every week. Often, you get one sensible commentator and one person who gives you the shits, but this was sensible people treating a decent game with the respect it deserved, while not trying to pretend it was an all-time classic. More of this combination please. I don't know how long Fox will keep doing its own broadcast, but going back to the likes of BT after this would be torture.   

Not that you'd ever know from the outside, but the ex-coach must've been having kittens at a five goal apiece first quarter. It was all very exciting stuff, with players bombing out of the middle like express trains, fast ball movement, and van Rooyen kicking an absolute belter of a snap from the pocket for our opening goal. Unfortunately, he went on to set what must be the all-time AFL record for the highest ratio of a player getting their hands to the ball without taking marks. We know he can do it, but is it time to start casting nervous sideways glances and wondering if he's ever going to be anything more than a handy forward? This became particularly relevant when Mihocek's hammy went early, leaving a JVR/Jeffo forward combination that I'm not sure van Rooyen was ready to be the senior partner in.

The injury meant Gawn spent a lot of time forward, which was a great opportunity for Max Heath to plant the flag as a solid prospect for the future. Replacing Max will be like when Matthew Knights had to follow Kevin Sheedy and all the Essendon fans were like: "Well, why aren't you winning premierships like he did?" about 10 minutes later, but he was really good here. Solid presence in the middle (and even when there was a communication error and he did a fancy backwards tap while everyone else was running forward, the tap was a thing of beauty) and very good around the ground. 

I'm glad we're able to give him solid development time, but in a case of 'be careful what you wish for', it means not playing Maximum to his full advantage when he's got plenty more to give. Not to mention that he's far more likely to suffer some horrendous injury after a tangle of limbs inside 50. I don't give a rat's if he gets another All-Australian because it won't be required to confirm his Hall of Fame status, but I'm torn between preparing for the post-Gawn era and wanting to see him hunting around the ground pulling down contested marks everywhere he goes. Reasonable problem to have, but for the love of all that is holy, on the tragic day when Max pulls up stumps, can the second ruckman be somebody who is primarily a forward but can ruck as well? 

Gawn did kick two goals, which was probably taken in some circles as justification that the plan to play him alongside Grundy could've worked. But while I appreciate Brodie's brief stay with us, and how he didn't chuck a plate of fingerfood when overlooked in a final for Schache to be an unused sub, imagine all the Max gold we'd have missed over the last couple of years if he'd spent much more time forward? Maybe he'd have given us a lifelong memory by kicking 9.14 one day, but trying to fit them both into one team was an odd idea. It's like signing the world's best goalkeepers and playing one of them as a striker for half the game. 

It was an odd but enthralling (for neutrals anyway) first quarter. At one point, Windsor cancelled their goal that cancelled our goal by flying out of the centre like a greyhound let loose from a trap, only for Sydney to cancel the cancellation of the cancellation. They looked far more likely to score when they got the ball, but so did Gold Coast a few weeks ago and look what we did to them? When Sharp got two in a minute (cue NBA Jam "he's heating up" sound effect), we were 14 points up, but it didn't feel sustainable. Enter, not for the last time, Malcolm Rosas Jr, who had four goals before the second quarter was 50% complete, and five by half-time. 

Unless Turnbull did something to us (NBN failure preventing last minute trade?), there's no way we've been done over this badly by somebody called Malcolm since Blight. And even his best was only eight, so this had disaster written all over it. He's only the second Malcolm ever to kick seven in a game, which is no surprise considering the name has been extinct for the last 40 years. I look forward to conceding bags of goals to Keith, Glenn, and Edmund before the end of the season. 

After overcoming Mihocek's absence to kick five in the opening quarter, we were back to 2022-2025 style inside 50 stodge. Finally, a long kick landed with Jefferson on the line and he narrowly avoided blooper reel celebrity status by remembering to take a step back before playing on and kicking the goal. I didn't love the rest of his game, but if we're going to be down a key forward for the next few weeks it's an opportunity for development on the go. Same with Laurie, who was better after half time than he has been so far this season, and Pickett (L), who is doing well for somebody barely out of the SANFL Reserves but needs about 40 more games before we work out how high his ceiling is.

We weren't helped by the Swans kicking set shots from every angle, but stiff shit if the opposition does that. Try to stop them from having the shots in the first place. Meanwhile all our forward entries were to a giant clump, followed by the ball usually going the other way at lightning speed. The phrase 'team defence' sounds like the worst footy cliche ever invented, but christ on a bike we could have done some of that here. I exclude Tom Sparrow from those comments, because he was excellent, and had 42 pressure acts. What is a pressure act? Who knows. Is it better than a one percenter? I think so. As far as I can tell the all-time record is somewhere around 50 so he was up there. I don't know if Jack Viney is coming back this year (if not, and if Campbell retires, we could be doing some zany mid-season drafting), but Sparrow has benefited hugely from Bradburying through our traded/injured midfield. 

We were hanging on by fingertips in the third quarter. Laurie kicked a nice one off the outside of his boot, which nearly set up another full-pelt Windsor goal out of the middle to keep us within range, but by now I was down to a "let's just not get thrashed" mindset. Then yer man Sparrow got one (NB: 'yer man' = good, 'your mate' = bad), Gawn followed, and we'd only lost the quarter by three points. Which was a lot better than it looked to the naked eye. 

Being an absolute poltroon, I had no expectation of launching a comeback. But for once we're interesting, and contributed to a 13 goal last quarter that made Sydney work for it. They started 23 points in front, and I'd have said no way we were going to get within 40 the way things were going but entertainment was provided right up to 6pm. Pickett (K) kicking a goal 20 seconds in made it worthwhile for neutrals to keep watching, but it looked like the big tonk was on again when left-of-your-screen specialist Rosas turned up for number six. But, even though everyone would have understood winding down at this point, we kept having a crack. Maybe Heath was injured/dead from all his efforts earlier in the game, but NFI why he spent the last 31 minutes on the bench. I'm all for Gawn taking over when required, but it had been working alright earlier in the game so I defer to the industry experts on this one.

Pickett (L) also got a goal, but not that you knew instantly, thanks to this game having the director who thinks he's Martin Scorsese and does a lot of unnecessary close-ups. He ran into the open goal and kicked over the lower third of the posts, leaving the poor bastards calling from a studio - and probably not even the same studio - waiting to find out what had happened. Channel 7 can waffle on about sending commentators to the ground, but I've come to terms with the Fox studio call, as long as they've got the vision to work off. This was quickly followed by Rosas getting #7, and if he doesn't send a thank you card to the MCG/AAMI Park/Casey Fields/Caulfield/Waverley/wherever we're based this week he's ungrateful. 

Now we were free to do whatever crazy shit we liked because the game was presumed lost. Like the old 'handoff to a defender for the long bomb' move that traditionally works about 7% of the time. This time, Turner channelled his anger about beating one of the league's best forwards and still losing into one of the most violent exhibitions of footy abuse you'll ever see. That didn't make it interesting yet, but van Rooyen's recovery from a dropped mark to snap cut the margin to three goals with time left, and stranger things have happened. 

When the TV showed Sydney only had three interchanges left with a few minutes to go, I hoped that might become relevant. Bit desperate, but that's how my deranged mind works. And it nearly did, because the remaining Sydney players looked like they'd just finished the Paris to Dakar on pushbike. Under the same circumstances, I could easily see a dud team collapsing in the last few minutes. And as Langford kicked one to make the margin two goals, maybe a good team was going to die in the arse as well? 

Sadly, they were not, but when we went straight back inside 50, I was open to pulling off the second draw of the weekend. As the comeback team we'd have had the all-important moral high ground of the shared points. Doesn't get you anything extra, but at least you end the game feeling like you've snatched two points instead of throwing them away. And extra time can GAGF.

If this was SwansBlog (and I think there was one at the same time I started in 2005. Well done to them for finding something better to do), I'd be talking about nearly losing my lunch when a rushed behind made the margin 11 points. Also, the post headline would be a 'Rose' related gag not already claimed by the papers. That was as close as we got. There was a moment where the ball was going towards van Rooyen and I thought he was about to pull off the "even if it's not your day it can be your moment" cliche, but no mark was forthcoming, we gave away a free, and the moment was lost. Somebody called 'Cootee' whose name would've been piss funny for primary school kids 30 years ago tried to keep us in it with some shite defending, but we couldn't take advantage. The way this game went, we were more likely to score from the ball getting to the middle of the ground then rebounding back to goal then plucking one from our fundament inside 50. 

And once they cleared the ball, that was it. We made sure of the result by giving away a 50 and certain goal at the other end. The free that started it was dubious, but Howes merrily played on - either not hearing the whistle or not believing it was a free in the first place, and they were off to the square to make absolutely certain of it. For unnecessary 50s that ended games we weren't going to win anyway, it couldn't beat Lever's odd twirling around in that Brisbane final. Don't suppose hearing the umpire's whistle was as much of an issue during the pre-season 'two minute drill' simulations played in front of 278 people.  

So, we lost. Which is not ideal, but the performance is enough to realise that a) as much as it will hurt to farewell the greatest player of this/possibly any generation, there's life after Gawn, and b) we could be quite good quite quickly if the defence around the ground is tightened up. Now that the real deal finals are down to six teams, I can't see us finishing that high on the ladder but there's a growing feeling that we're just the sort of team the Wildcard Wankfest was invented for. I'd love to be more dismissive of this, but finishing 10th or better would actually be quite good for the future, if we can turn the publicity into a lure for experienced free agents and trade targets to join the cause and address needs. 

Now, come back next week when I'll be doing a u-turn, moaning about us having missed the boat and suggesting we'll be relocated to Joondalup after Tasmania come in.   

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Tom Sparrow
4 - Daniel Turner
3 - Kysaiah Pickett
2 - Max Gawn
1 - Harry Sharp

Apologies to Heath, Howes, Sharp and Tholstrup.

Leaderboard
More votes for the top two, but Sparrow has burst into double figures and staked a claim for the outrageous comeback victory. And I was almost going to activate the Rising Star, before Heath missed the whole last quarter. 

25 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
20 - Kysaiah Pickett
14 - Jack Steele
12 - Tom Sparrow
7 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
6 - Caleb Windsor
5 - Kade Chandler, Ed Langdon, Harvey Langford
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
The lowest key fixture on our calendar strikes again, as it's off to Docklands to play misery era West Coast. Last year, we turned up for this game after a major disaster, pissed it in, then sacked the coach. I'm not calling anything in advance, but there's only one of those elements which has a chance of coming true. Mind you, we're in administrative assassination season so SKing might just have to look at somebody the wrong way to be handed a massive payout and sent on his way.

If there's any downside to Moosemania, it's that they might decide to stick with extended stints of Forward Gawn, thus negating the need to give the people what they want and debut Ken T. Field. After our difficulties in kicking to a forward's advantage in this game, I remind you that Ken's lone contribution to the pre-season, before being felled by a bionic elbow smash to the scone, was a great lead and mark straight up the middle of the forward 50. He should've debuted at the end of last year, and we've missed the chance to make the S&M mask famous but surely it's now Kent O'Clock.

After Bowey had to waste an extra week in the world's most pointless reserves competition I must have him back next week, and even if they're not a straight swap, it can be at the expense of Jiath, who I've been entirely uninspired by so far.

All I'm going to say about the potential result is that we should win by some margin 1+. The more the merrier, but I won't be surprised if King Harley Race and all their other top draftees decide to have a proper crack out of shame after losing to Richmond. If you accept we should start favourites and win, any chance of stomping on the Eagles in the first quarter instead of leaving the door open for a prospective shambles?

IN: Bowey, Kentfield
OUT: Mihocek (inj), Jiath (omit)
LUCKY: Laurie, L. Pickett
UNLUCKY: Moniz-Wakefield, Taylor

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Apologies to Laurie off the outside of the boot, and anything involving the Pickett family, but even if he did stuff all for the next two and a half quarters, you had to appreciate van Rooyen's snap in the first quarter. Pickett (Kysaiah) vs Carlton (Krap) still leads overall.

CE-No

Farewell then, Paul Guerra, we hardly knew ye. I have nothing sensible to add to the coverage of his surprise dismissal, but never got the chance to do a tenuous reference to him looking a bit like Gary Fogel before, and never will again.

When the news of Guerra's demise came in, it showed just how well I'd go in a totalitarian dictatorship. I thought "Oh well, they have their reasons I suppose", just like you would if the Stasi arrested your neighbours. Then, in a story featuring juicy leaks from gee I wonder where, it was suggested the CEO fell victim to the Caulfield pro-tunnel lobby, and now that we had something in common, I decided to believe he was hard done by. Some later 'golly, I wonder who let that out' reports pointed to hard feelings over the invitation list for a lunch, which, if true, could be the most farcical scenario involving our administration since someone found unpaid tax bills in the desk drawer.

I wonder if there was anything to him being turfed a year to the day after being hired? What chance we had a one year get out clause, botched the timing by not doing the axing a day earlier, and Guerra will end up alongside Brayshaw, Goodwin and Oliver in the MFC contract payout lounge. What he really needs is a lawyer with footy club experience.

The good news is that our rigorous search for a replacement stretched all the way to... the same building. His name is Dan, he currently works for Stan, and if he's got any commitment to gimmicks he'll release a five-year plan. But not yet, because he doesn't start until the end of the year - because that sort of arrangement obviously worked a treat for us last time. 

That's 2x interim CEOs and one interim President in the last two years, so lucky things are going relatively well on field, or we'd look like a bunch of tits. Apparently he was lined up two weeks earlier, which must've led to a lot of polite nodding and side-eyeing each other whenever Guerra was talking during that time.

Forget the Caulfield pipedream, the first challenge of the new boss will be to try and go a year without paying out somebody's contract. Save your cash for the tunnel fund.

Final thoughts
I still prefer this season to last, but I sense a shithouse end to it once injuries and fatigue kick in, so for god's sake please win the games you're supposed to now and let's hope these concerns are just me being a nervous viewer as usual.

Melbourne FC in 'win as favourites' shock

If strikethroughs on post titles worked, the word 'comfortably' would feature above. We ran away with this in the last quarter, and 10 minutes into the last quarter the only storyline left was Kysaiah Pickett's victory lap, but there were some ropey moments in the first 75% of the game. We'll find out next week if it matters. I'd say "you'll never beat good teams playing like this", but this was an encore to rumbling the reigning premier, so I've got even less idea than usual what's going on. Better to be in this situation at 5-2 than 2-5.

For those of you who are crusty enough to have owned Hotter Than Hell on VHS at some point in your life, we've now got the same record as the gold standard 'first year coach leads surprise revival' season 1998. We've come at it from a different angle, winning in the first game, then a couple of individual losses, instead of the five match winning streak that had us all saying words to the effect of "Blimey!" 

For the first time this year, we check in with the season predictions of our very good friends at AFL Live Ladders. They're still predicting an 11th place finish, which will come in handy for "I never wanted to be in your stupid wildcard game anyway" coping strategies. And just to show we don't have to play Collingwood to suffer last round disappointment at their hands, the anticipated ladder has them tipping us out of the wankfest on percentage. Could happen, but there's still a whole bunch of weird scenarios - good and bad - before then. For the authentic Spirit of '98 we'll need two putrid mid-season losses, before the feelgood factor returns with a big interstate victory.

After a stern reminder less than two weeks earlier about why it's mad to expect a Melbourne win against anybody, I enjoyed beating Brisbane on Monday, then went back to bulk-buying brown undies. Imagine following a team you could reasonably expect to beat up on underdogs. Not only has Geelong never won fewer than seven games in a season during my lifetime, they'd have turned up on Friday night and gone full [insert inappropriate war metaphor of your choice] on a winless opposition consisting of kids and glory era veterans clinging on for dear life. Yes, I know Geelong just lost to a duddish Port Adelaide, but when it happens to them it's a surprise.

I was not heartened when they lost a bunch of players to injury, then another from the selected side due to the imminent birth of his child. You could wheel any collection of AFL listed players out and I'd get the sweats. They don't even all need to be alive, park the coffin of Wilfred 'Chicken' Smallhorn in the forward pocket and I'd expect the ball to bounce straight off it and into the hands of an elderly Rochford Devenish-Meares standing on his own in the goalsquare six times.

There's nothing to be said for the pre-match commemorations because it's the same thing every year (please note: this is not a bad thing, no need for a cancellation), but on the subject of national anthems, have a crack at Algeria's, which is both musically jaunty and has the opening lines "We swear by the lightning that destroys, by the streams of generous blood being shed". There you go Tasmania, rip that off for a theme song. Stay tuned for more random anthem chat next year. And hopefully another cock and balls banner.

So, out came 23 men of Melbourne good and true, to defend their honour against a lot of players with numbers between 40 and 50, and a makeshift ruckman opposing Gawn almighty. And for the first few minutes they did as they liked. It's been a refreshingly long time since we've been winless after six rounds, but I've seen us start games in the same way. You stop the opposition getting their hand on the ball for a bit, rope yourself into thinking the Great Leap Forward has finally arrived, then normal service resumes when the better side starts to get a kick. 

We'd usually fold the tent much quicker than the Tigers did here, and for all the understandable "shouldn't we be better by now?" complaints from their fans, they've timed their run of being shit perfectly before Tasmania turn up with their Algerian-inspired song and stuff the draft up for a few years. Usually, I wouldn't care less if opposition sides caught fire and dropped dead, but I'm invested in Adem Yze's personal success. The Norm Smith style "Warm up elsewhere, then come back and win shitloads" scenario I was into last year is no longer valid, but of all senior coaches who used to play for us, I'd rather he succeed than Clarkson or Beveridge. Looks like they've drafted some shit hot talent, but you'd want to with the number of high selections they've had in recent years. 

You can't apply the same "I hope they do well, but the team loses" philosophy to coaches as beloved ex-players, but as long as it doesn't come at our expense, best of Albanian luck to him. After 12 straight losses, he's lucky that the evidence of him hanging shit on Dean Bailey in 2011 disappeared with his Twitter account.

At the start of 2021, I thought it would be 'Yze By Anzac Day' if we didn't get off to a good start. Then we chose the more pleasant timeline of winning nine in a row, finishing top of the ladder, and doing you know what on the greatest evening in the history of western civilisation. Now, for as long as he's in charge of Richmond, every year will be his chance to stitch us up before Anzac Day. It'll have to happen one day, as will a close game and a Richmond player winning the medal. But not this year.

Like a footy version of the Salvation Army, our men's team charitably dedicates itself to helping others through difficult times, so was anybody surprised when plummeted giant Richmond got off to a hot start? In the theme of the night - and season - centre bounces were a death or glory experience where it was a lottery about which team was going to clear the ball with the greatest of ease. You'd think in the case of Gawn vs Phil Inn, our man would leap like an Atlantic salmon and start a modern version of the time he had 80 hitouts in a VFL game but alas no. We had good midfielders - especially 80s cop show duo Sparrow and Steele - but it wasn't the equivalent of Jamar stuffing the ball down Moloney's throat 18 times in one afternoon that you may have hoped for.

Cue several minutes of bridge jumper negotiation-style reassurance to the Tigers that things weren't as bad as they looked, and there was still hope. I took the first two Richmond goals personally due to obscure connections to my favourite old man bands - first The Fa(u)ll, then the player named after the band, named after the dildo. Sandwiched in the middle was our first Umpiring Wheel of Fortune win of the night, as Jefferson was gently jostled right in front. When you make decent contests in the forward line, it increases the probability of random free kicks from the 0.0% of panic long bombs straight to a defender.

Opposition supporters can submit a comprehensive spreadsheet of the times they were jibbed to the Court of Arbitration for Sport. I still think unless the shit decisions happen right at the end you're still a hope of overcoming them if good enough. Doesn't help a young side, and while I'm in no way sorry for them, I do accept that we got lucky more often than not. But that's life so stiff shit. I'm sure the switchboard at Finey's Final Siren was in meltdown with claims of conspiracy, as if it wouldn't be better for the AFL if Richmond was successful, not us. It would help the crowd for this fixture, which dropped below 70k for the first time since 2021's pandemic-affected Nathan Jonestown Massacre.

The report on the AFL site goes full nuffy by saying "Richmond fans will also feel hard done by the free kick count, with Melbourne finishing with nine more free kicks than their opponents", as if the count was more important than where the frees happened. This is even more ludicrous if last disposal frees are included.

In the interests of fairness, probity, and keeping otherwise hapless opposition alive, van Rooyen missed a sitter from 25 metres directly in front. Better now than in the last quarter against Brisbane. Later, there was another case of LOLumpiring when Heath was halfway through complaining about a ruck free before realising he was getting it. He missed the shot, but looked a lot more comfortable at his day job than last week. And got free developmental opportunities courtesy of Gawn being kneed in the lower buttockal region in the second quarter, forcing us to bench him for longer than usual, then go forward for comedy value once the game was done.

Until proven otherwise, I'm claiming we've only had two players nicknamed 'Moose', so your updated all-time M(oose)FC leaderboard is:

* Heath, Max - 2
* Henwood, Wayne - 1

After years of winning/losing narrowly via defensive stodge, I can't come to terms with the idea that we might kick decent scores and go into full emotional turmoil when the opposition start moving the ball with ease. I'm sure allowing uncontested marks galore is part of the masterplan, but is there a way to get both goals and that short but wonderful era when opposition defenders looked up to see a brick wall of defenders ahead of them and lost the joy of life? 

And not to detract from the glory of this decent but quickly forgotten victory, but my rank amateur view is that we're a key defender short. Now, I'm not saying this should happen so, calm down, but if somebody had a long-term injury (*sob*, it's coming *sob*)/retired, could Steven May come back, considering he's still technically on our senior list? If it helps, replace his name with Mr. X and look at the same scenario.

In a worrying repeat of the Essendon shambles, it took until the last few minutes to finally impose ourselves as favourites. Except for the bit where Langford stuffed up a Gawn mark close to goal, as part of a quarter that was about as far as you could get from the highs of his BOG against the defending premier. I've got manly platonic love for him as a footy player, but he may have the worst footy moustache since Lynden Dunn.

Sparrow continued the form of his life by kicking a set shot (and every week he looks more like Todd Viney's lost son), before we gave that straight back out of the middle, and conceded two early in the second quarter. I was reaching for the "Get ready everybody, he's about to do something stupid" graphic, and when Langford was run down in front of goal while trying to baulk around Richmond's entire defence I was getting Gather Round PTSD.

Somebody called Ralphsmith (who the allegedly sensible Foxtel commentators kept calling 'Ralph Smith' in the style of Leon Celli) and that bloke who used to play for Casey kicked a goal. It seemed the Tigers were capable of overcoming the dastardly conspiracy against them. In a great piece of misdirection, a boundary umpire took the heat off deep state plotting by tripping over a grassy knoll and breaking his wrist. 

Because I think umpires are fine, upstanding members of the community who never put a foot wrong, I felt bad for the poor bastard standing there clutching at it in 90% discomfort, 10% embarrassment, over a million people having just seen him go arse over. Channel 7 kept showing David Rodan, but as the Fox commentators had no idea why, they had to awkwardly talk over it. I thought he was going to be called on to have a go at boundary umpiring, in the spirit of a suburban footy game where randoms are plucked from the crowd to umpire. Could watch their version of the replay to see what it was all about but I'd rather eat asbestos.

The real injury tragedy of the second quarter was Jai Culley's doing his knee. You get recovered from the scrap heap to play for the team you followed as a kid, establish a spot in the side just as things are starting to look up, then this. Apologies again for saying he was my new favourite player.  He'll be back next season, but we'll miss him and even if it's a part of the game blah blah blah I'm sad about it.

Culley's injury was a flat spot in an otherwise much improved quarter. After a few minutes of original recipe Pickett's usual riot running being curbed, he burst back into life with a turbo run and checkside goal. This was followed by Chandler doing one of the best kicks to a forward's advantage of all time for Langford, and Pickett getting another via high contact free that was quite *nervous adjustment of collar*.

When Mihocek added another, for once we weren't the team pissing off early for the half time break, and I thought that was probably it for Richmond. Then, in a cancellation of one whinge-worthy goal from a free, Pickett (L) got done for a high tackle after grabbing a guy around the upper torso. When the graphic showed the kicker had 0 goals from 18 games, I think we all knew the ball's next destination was straight through the middle. 

This was too much life in the contest for my liking, and when they got the first after the restart I said a phrase that ended in "s sake". Our response to this challenge was to play a few minutes of failed Hollywood football which would have been a lot better received if we didn't have a long history of botching it against lowly sides. You can raffle the worst moment between Fritsch's awful snap, Langford handballing over his head, and Fritsch's slightly less awful snap. We were saved by the Richmond player who failed to realise he was supposed to stand at a particular latitude/longitude on the mark, leading to a 50 and goal that calmed things down. Until they got a goal right after.

After his only previous goal of the season came from questionable circumstances, I was pleased to see Jefferson get a real one via a nice pack mark, then Pickett got one after end-to-end excitement and those of you who don't have a nervous condition were welcome to calm down slightly. With a four goal lead, a good record at finishing games this season, and opposition who were either young or old with nobody in between, I liked to think we were going to win but tried hard not to assume anything because that way lies madness.

I'm pleased to report that this time we did what the status of the teams suggested and had a trauma-free win. Nobody else got hurt, Gawn got to try his full range of set shot options (two), and it was time to stuff the premiership points up your jumper and leave casually.

In the last few minutes the game was deader than the proverbial nuts, but Pickett did his best to keep people watching until he won the medal by pulling down a screamer. Melksham against Gold Coast didn't even win Mark of the Week (probably because the start of the clip is a commentator blathering on with unrelated nonsense), so this might be our best chance of winning the award - for what that's worth. It was the best thing involving a player wearing #50 since the 2021 Grand Final. 

KOZZY PICKETT THAT'S AN OUTRAGEOUS MARK!!! 🤯 #AFLTigersDees pic.twitter.com/tzni966fZu

— AFL (@AFL) April 24, 2026

I'm the most miserable bastard on earth when it comes to big marks (and the less said about the following kick on goal the better), but how could you not enjoy Sking's joyful reaction?

It's easy to enjoy the finer things in life when you're nine goals up in the last minute but he deserves excitement for having this team miles ahead of where we expected to be at the start of the year. His greatest moment is still, by some distance, ringing up the bench just to yell "Fucking beautiful!"

I'm all for the combination of exuberance and success, but I'm turned off by comments like "it's good to see a coach showing passion", as if the last two years would've turned out differently if Simon Goodwin made obscene phone calls. Besides, that one time he did go off in the box, Stone Cold Craig Jennings looked like swatting him.

So what I'm saying, in a TL:DR summary that comes deep enough into the post to be irrelevant, is that things are going pretty well, thank god we didn't hire Buckley as coach, and once again I apologise wholeheartedly to Culley for cursing him with my support.

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Tom Sparrow
3 - Caleb Windsor
2 - Jack Steele
1 - Daniel Turner

Apologies to Chandler, Gawn, Howes, Lever and Sharp

Leaderboard
It's on at the top, as the 'Gawn Gets A Rest' era opens the door for the other guy you'll still be talking about on your deathbed. Pickett shuts the gap to just over one BOG, with Steele a clear third on the podium. There's still time for anyone down to Oscar Berry or [Mid-Season Draftee] to win, but it would need Gawn and Pickett to miss shitloads of games so let's not do that. 

In the minor categories, Turner takes the outright Seecamp lead, and if you think Max Heath is capable of closing a 23 vote gap on the greatest ruckman of all time he's now averaging 17 hitouts per game and is Stynes eligible. 'No Eligible Player' still ahead in the Rising Star.

23 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
17 - Kysaiah Pickett
14 - Jack Steele
7 - Tom Sparrow
6 - Caleb Windsor
5 - Kade Chandler, Ed Langdon, Harvey Langford
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup, Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek 
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever, Harry Sharp

Next week
As a tribute to the mercy killing of Opening Round, it's back to where it all began at the SCG. The only good thing about that night (other than being so boring we never got invited back to Round 1A again) was the all-time great Teammategami of Jack Billings and Josh Schache playing one MFC game together. As usual, reports of Sydney's demise have been premature and they're good again. We did our bit for footy in NSW by keeping Grundy warm for a year.

Somehow, we've only played five games at the SCG in a decade, and one was against Collingwood. According to my 2026 edition of the Big Book O' Footy Stereotypes, the ground dimensions will test our style. Except that it's only five metres narrower than the ground we've won 5/5 on this season. Maybe the real test was at the Adelaide Oval, which is 13m narrower than the SCG. Sydney also has one of the highest percentages of all-time at this point of the season so that might help them too.

Bowey survived his return at Casey so he's welcome back in at the first opportunity, and even though Moniz-Wakefield does a similar thing let's have both. Out goes Culley (*sob*), and after spending plenty of time whinging about Laurie not getting a go, he's had it and meh. He got better after the first quarter and is welcome back for another crack later in the season, but let's have something else. I'm happy for Taylor and L. Pickett to participate in a 'learn on the job scheme', though I still think the latter would do well to get his eye in by teeing off on some rubbish in the VFL. There's also an argument for McDonald coming in, because after Turner there's not much in reserve for key defenders.

Meanwhile, is Xavier Lindsay on the Trent Rivers mystery injury plan? Managed one week, doesn't play for Casey the next, surprise injury announcement when? In other injury news, there's still no answer to Harrison Petty's condition so he's not coming back this week. There has, however, been a breakthrough in Shane McAdam's permanent 2-3 weeks away saga. But only because he's now listed as 'TBC'. Tom Campbell is reportedly about to retire - joining Robert Campbell and Majak Daw as experienced ruckmen who were on our list without playing a game - what chance they come to an 'agreement' with McAdam as well? I'd like closure on whether he could ever make the distance from a 40m set shot, but otherwise what's the point? Have a payout, put your Achilles up and rest. I'm open to him coming back, kicking six in a final, and telling me to GAGF.

I watched Casey struggling to beat a glorified suburban team masquerading as Richmond VFL (except when somebody knocked the plug out and we got Teletext updates instead), and my key takeaway was that if we have mid-season drafting to do, could we please have Tairon Ah-Mu, because a) he's a massive unit, b) we'll have Roo, Moose and Mu, c) the perfect goal song already exists. 

I've got the same pre-match expectations as the Brisbane game, where we give a decent account of ourselves but fall short. A repeat of the actual result would be nice, and may force the lid into orbit. After that, we play West Coast, so your guess is as good as mine as to whether we'll win the first and lose the second, vice versa, or the dreaded OTHER.

IN: Bowey, Moniz-Wakefield
OUT: Culley (inj), Laurie (omit)
LUCKY: L. Pickett, Taylor
UNLUCKY: Henderson, McDonald

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Apologies to Windsor in the first quarter, and for the second consecutive week, a peach of a Mihocek set shot finishes on the podium BUT it would be downright stupid not to choose Pickett's curling, outside of the boot whatever the opposite of a snap is.

Final thoughts
I still don't know if this year is real, but it's far better than the previous 1.5. I'm flustered about our depth and expecting things to go tits up when injuries hit later in the year, but we're so far ahead of expectations that I may as well live in the now and enjoy it. See you next week for 'end is nigh' moaning and microwaving threats.