Tuesday 24 January 2012

2012 Demonblog award betting markets - first draft

It's that time of the year again, in a tradition that has been going since.. err 2011.. Demonblog officially opens for business for another year - our eighth - with the Australia Day week look at who's a chance of taking home an honour at the end of the year.

We locked top betting luminaries such as Glen Munsie, Gary Davies, Jamie Rogers, Neil Evans, Hayden Haitana, Ryan Tandy and Freaked underscore Out in a room and gave them a simple brief - give our readers opening markets and give them value when you do it. And they did.

Updated markets will appear in the official season preview before the NAB Cup begins. Until then feel free to line up ridiculous side bets with each other based on the numbers below. Full vote counts from each year can be found here. Demonblog.com and its corporate partners will not be held responsible for any losses which you incur from these markets.

Gamble responsibly, throw all pokies into the sea etc.. Last year I had a tenner on Addam Maric to be the first goalkicker, I can tell you about irresponsible gambling.

Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year
5-4-3-2-1 votes in every home and away and finals (god forbid) match. Final pre-season price in brackets.

2005 - Travis Johnstone
2006 - Brock McLean
2007 - Nathan Jones
2008 - Cameron Bruce
2009 - Aaron Davey ($8)
2010 - Brad Green ($4)
2011 - Brent Moloney ($9)

2012 market
In order to avoid having my car bricked driving down Brunton Avenue I should point out that what follows isn't a scientific discussion of who our most important players are or who will win the MFC B&F. I've taken into account everyone's previous performances in the Jakovich as well as their chances of winning after losing votes to similar players (defenders/ruckmen etc..)

Any so as is tradition last year's winner starts favourite, and why shouldn't he? Beamer might have edged out Sylvia by three votes in 2011 thanks to a) a handful of outright belter games and b) Col getting himself suspended at the end of the year but I've got no doubt that with (presumably) increased support in the midfield this season that he won't be up there again.

The Golden Child Trengove is probably too short, given that he only polled 16 votes last season (=8th) but with any luck he won't spend three weeks on the sidelines at Her Majesty's Pleasure for this time around. The Demonblog Betting Exchange is setting him at a low level to guard against the prospect of a swashbuckling third season - watch odds based on pre-season performance.

Grimes represents decent value at $15 but that involves him staying fit for more than ten minutes at a time. At the moment his entire career vote tally would have only been good for equal 3rd in the 2011 count so if you're prepared to wager on him staying fit you'll get value.

Garland and Rivers aren't a bad bet but I'm speculating that they'll both lose so many votes to Frawley that it will put them out of the running. Besides, I think I can speak for everybody when I say that if we have too many games that justify two or more defenders scoring votes then we'll all die of a nervous breakdown halfway through the year anyway.

Jamar's chances hinge on having another injury free season (and smashing the glass ceiling for ruckmen) and the Stef Martin Experience's hopes rest on him having another injury full year. Either way I expect they'll take enough votes off each other to assure comfortable mid-table finishes all round.

Under the $20 mark Davey, Bail, Tapscott and Morton probably represent the best value. Cale is hardly likely to win the thing but you'd have a cheeky fiver at that price just in case wouldn't you? "Only if there was another zero on the end" I hear you say.

So and so forth down to poor old Maximum Gawn who hasn't to my knowledge been put on the LTI list yet so could IN THEORY come back well prematurely David Schwarz style then storm to victory. But he won't so you can have $50k for him if you're really keen.

$3.50 - Brent Moloney
$4 - Jack Trengove, Colin Sylvia
$5 - James Frawley, Jack Watts
$7 - Nathan Jones
$8 - Jordie McKenzie
$10 - Brad Green, Mark Jamar
$15 - Mitch Clark, Stefan Martin, Jack Grimes
$18 - Colin Garland, Jared Rivers
$20 - Jordan Gysberts, Liam Jurrah
$30 - Aaron Davey, Ricky Petterd, Luke Tapscott
$32 - Rohan Bail, Sam Blease, Lynden Dunn
$35 - Jeremy Howe, Daniel Nicholson, Neville Jetta
$45 - Clint Bartram, Cale Morton
$50 - Joel Macdonald, Matthew Bate
$75 - James Strauss, Jamie Bennell
$100 - Tom McDonald, James Sellar, Michael Evans
$150 - Jake Spencer, Jack Fitzpatrick
$250 - Lucas Cook, Tom Couch, James Magner
$350 - Kelvin Lawrence
$500 - Troy Davis, Rory Taggert, Josh Tynan
$1000 - Jai Sheahan, Leigh Williams
$5000 - Max Gawn

Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year
Highest vote getter for a defender. Running defenders who spend too much time in the midfield will be disqualified from receiving the award at the discretion of the committee.

2005 - Nathan Carroll and Ryan Ferguson (shared)
2006 - Jared Rivers
2007 - Paul Wheatley
2008 - Matthew Whelan
2009 - James Frawley ($22)
2010 - James Frawley (2) ($3.50)
2011 - James Frawley (3) ($4)

2012 market
Despite the close run Seecamp last year where Frawley (18), Garland (15), Macdonald (14) and Rivers (11) were all in contention until the last couple of weeks I'm backing Chip to run away with it this year and JoelMac to slide down the ladder as his opportunities dry up. Besides I was clearly the only person in the world who thought JoelMac was any good last year then somehow Rivers finished 2nd in the B&F so what do I know?

Buyer beware on Grimes, Bennell and Martin. The Experience is almost certain to be DQ'ed from the award by about three-quarter time of Round 1 and the other two might not be far behind if they spend too much time outside the defensive 50. As for James Sellar who knows what he'll be doing.

$2 - James Frawley
$5 - Colin Garland, Jack Grimes
$7 - Jared Rivers
$15 - Joel Macdonald
$25 - Tom McDonald
$50 - Jamie Bennell, James Strauss
$80 - James Sellar
$100 - Stefan Martin

Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year
The highest scoring player in the Jakovich Medal count who has either played zero AFL games before the start of the season OR debuted in the final four games (not including byes) of the preceding season.

2005 - No players eligible.
2006 - Matthew Bate
2007 - Michael Newton
2008 - Cale Morton
2009 - Jack Grimes ($4 fav)
2010 - Tom Scully ($5) [AWARD REVOKED SEPTEMBER 2011]
2011 - Jeremy Howe ($30)

2012 market
For the first time in a few years it's hard to set a market for this one. No top of the draft recruits who are guaranteed a game means that any of five or six could sneak in or for the first time since Demonblog's first year that rookies could miss out on votes altogether.

I'd be looking at the No Eligible option myself but McDonald starts favourite based on encouraging performances late last year while Cook must surely get a game at some point. I expect this market to swing wildly based on NAB Cup/Pre-Season form.

Mind you with apologies to Jeremy Howe and the permanently crocked Grimes would you really want to win this award considering the fate of some of the players above?

$5 - Tom McDonald
$9 - Lucas Cook
$12 - James Magner, Tom Couch
$15 - Kelvin Lawrence, Troy Davis, Jack Fitzpatrick
$20 - Rory Taggert, Josh Tynan
$100 - Leigh Williams

Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year
Formerly the Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal

2005 - Jeff White
2006 - Jeff White (2)
2007 - Jeff White (3)
2008 - Paul Johnson
2009 - Mark Jamar ($3)
2010 - Mark Jamar (2) ($1.50 fav)
2011 - Stefan Martin ($30)

2012 market
The smallest field of all sees last year's surprise winner pushed back down into second place due to the full time return of The Russian. And every time he gets five votes this year we will all stand for the anthem.

$2 - Mark Jamar
$6 - Stefan Martin
$50 - Jake Spencer, Jack Fitzpatrick
$5000 - Max Gawn

Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance
2008 - Aaron Davey
2009 - Cameron Bruce
2010 - Brad Green
2011 - Colin Sylvia

No market. Refer to the main Jakovich table for a guide. Votes will be given for the intra-club match on February 17 (any guest reporters? I'll do a lot for this club but I won't ditch work to go to Casey Fields) and both games during the NAB Cup menage a trois. At least there are two more properly competitive games after that.

Wednesday 18 January 2012

Hall Of Fame Redux

In 2001 the MFC instituted a Hall of Fame. It was all very much in the clouds as even though they kept putting people in it as far as I know there were never plans for any actual memorabilia collection or permanent tribute to those who were put in.

Between 2001 and 2008 there were 41 people named to the Hall - 23 in 2001, five in 2003, seven in 2006 and six in 2008 yet our website doesn't acknowledge that it exists other than a list of names that hasn't even been updated to include the '08 inductees. It deserves better, and in a roundabout way that involves tearing it all up and starting again that's what I'm proposing.

Now admittedly that 41 covers pretty much everybody up to this point in time who deserves to be named, but given that the original Hall was generally abandoned in the midst of the disarray which surrounded the switch between the Gardner/Stynes administrations and the far more important task of saving the club I think it's time to start talking about the Hall again. Wasting the last three years on Demonwiki has given me a great appreciation of the history of this club and it deserves to be told to a wider audience, and to allow the fans of today to share in their own piece of it.

And with that I present to you the Demonblog plan for a new Hall of Fame. Firstly it should be pointed out that the idea is shamelessly stolen from the Baseball Hall of Fame and its induction procedures.

First an explanatory note - I'm going to pretend for the sake of what follows that we forget the first Hall ever existed and start from scratch. Realistically de-inducting people (uninducting?) might be too politically sensitive to consider, but equally I doubt anyone, probably including the inductees themselves, would actually remember it taking place anyway. There's scope to start again but this time to include the fans and make a big deal out of it. If we're not going to win anything in the modern era (yet...) let's at least wave around what we have done in the past and the many great figures who have been involved with us.

Plenty of clubs have a Hall Of Fame (unless you're an AFL propped up franchise with ten minutes of history) but how many of them include the fans on the selection process? Time to engage the fanbase with our history rather than just giving them drips of it here and there. So much the better if we end up with some kind of permanent exhibition - preferably at the MCG itself - about the history of the club.

So as discussed the major downside is that to start with a fresh hall you have to empty the original one. I can understand that the club might not want to run the risk of upsetting the living and the families of the dead so I'm proposing that this be labelled as a "Fan's Hall of Fame". The club runs the voting on behalf of the fans but its made clear that they're not really making any of the decisions and that the people inducted into the original Hall are still there doing whatever it is they do when they're in a forgotten Hall of Fame.

Alternatively they could just restart the existing version when somebody is worthy of being let in but I'm going for interactivity here. It works something like this:

- Players, coaches and administrators to become eligible for election five years after they stop playing, coaching or administrating.

- Voting will be weighted 70/30 between members and a special Hall of Fame panel consisting of current administrators, historians, prominent fans etc.. This means that the 'fans' still have the overall numbers but that there are some checks against bizarro voting and mass hysteria.

- All players with over 100 games go on the ballot as well as administrators, coaches and other players at the discretion of the Hall of Fame panel. To ensure quality control on the first ballot the HoF panel will only choose additional names from the 150 Heroes named in 2008.

- All people inducted into the original Hall will appear on the first ballot along with anybody else who becomes eligible at the end of that first year (if it starts at the end of 2012 then the players to have retired or left five years previous with 100+ games are Nathan Brown, Daniel Ward, Travis Johnstone and Clint Bizzell along with Neale Daniher. Nothing to see here as far as Hall inductees I'd have thought but some years will be better than others).

- In October every year all adult members will receive access to a website where each potential nominee will be profiled. They can then cast five votes for their chosen candidates. After the first few years this could increase to five mandatory votes + five optional votes or ten optional votes. To be decided in the event that this wacky scheme somehow gets up.

- For the first five years the top three vote getters will be elected to the Hall. After that it will be anybody who is chosen on at least 75% of ballots based on the weighting.

- After the first five years anybody who gets less than 5% of the vote in a year will be removed from the ballot permanently. There will be no limit to the amount of people who are allowed on the ballot as long as they meet the entry criteria and haven't been excluded for not meeting the 5% mark.

- As a sample lets say that Norm Smith, Ron Barassi and Robbie Flower are the top three inductees at the end of Year 1. They would all be inducted and their names removed from the 2013 ballot to be replaced by Adem Yze, Jeff White and any other players with over 100 games who played their last match at the end of 2008.

- The process continues over the first four years. After the fifth year (2016) anybody who doesn't appear on 5% of ballots is removed, so for instance if Yze's figures went 12%, 20%, 9%, 7%, 3% he would then be removed. There is no limit to how long somebody can stay on the ballot as long as they keep earning the required 5%.

- From the fifth year onwards nobody will be inducted unless they appear on 75% of ballots, this will ensure only quality makes the Hall.

Aside from highlighting three (to start with) of the greatest figures the club has ever had every year it adds something new to the conversation amongst our fans. Is Aaron Davey Hall worthy? Would you vote for Brad Green? At what point did Neitz become a solid gold certainty for induction? It adds an extra layer of debate and buzz around the club and online, the lobbying for people to get their chosen players up and the excitement about the inductees being named.

Feel free to pick holes in this concept, and I don't in any way expect that it will be taken up by the club, but it irks me that we've totally forgotten about the Hall of Fame that does (in theory) exist and anything that adds to the conversation about bringing some sort of recognition back can't hurt.

Friday 13 January 2012

Demonblog's top 20 footy videos of all-time

Realistically I just wanted all the classics that I've seen a thousand times in one place for reference without having to log in to YouTube. Seems as good a place as any. If there's anything that needs to be considered for future editions please advise.

20. Jako's karaoke masterclass

What countdown is complete without about 50 Jako videos? Surely the only thing that can lure him out of hiding right now is the promise of a national tour for Trial By Video.

Jako is on from 4 minutes 30 seconds. Watch and you will surely agree that there is no way that the great man went home that night unlaid.

19. Sydney Swans apology

Probably the most smug moment in football broadcasting history. Appeals to me for the sheer random nature of the idea the fact that some poor production assistant was dispatched to work out who had tipped the Swans for the spoon and that moment when we first watched it and thought "where the hell are they going with this?" before the big reveal at the end.

But where was "The Sydney Swans would like to thank Melbourne for throwing the Round 22 game in order to get a priority pick"? We had a hand in that finals run too. Also notice that somehow not one single person connected with Channel 10 gets a run. Did they really all not pick Sydney to finish last or was history quickly rewritten so they didn't look like complete hypocrites?

18. Coach loses it with obscenity laden tirade

Has anyone ever verified that this is legitimate? Still sounds to me like somebody's in the background pissing themselves and the guy screaming even loses it at one point but I want to believe it is.

I especially want it to be real considering that at the start he says he's not going to start ranting and raving and then 30 seconds later he's telling somebody to shove a can of Solo up their arse. So many great lines, so many great memories, let's all go off to St Albans next year.

17. McDonalds Footy Burger

The grab and the catchphrase which was responsible for the crippling of hundreds of children across the land in the late 90's. Deserves a comeback even if the burger in question was really just a Double Cheeseburger after an unconvincing rebrand.

16. Full Metal Barassi

The presence of this video in any countdown is a total conflict of interest considering that I made it (and not very well at that) but, you know, go with it.

What I really wanted was this audio over the vision of Barassi vs Shane Zantuck at Waverley in the early 80's but I couldn't be bothered finding it so this will do.

15. Jako kisses less talented brother

One of the trifecta of great memorable moments of our games against West Coast in the early 90's alongside Jako and John Worsfold having an argument through a fence and Chris Lewis eating Todd Viney's finger for lunch.

14. Comeback against Freo

Viewed in isolation the second half of this game is probably the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. Taken in the context of the era you scream "by christ how did we get nine goals behind in the first place?" and wonder if you should watch through your fingers because it's actually symptomatic of what's been wrong with us for the last five years.

For the purposes of this countdown I'm declaring it glorious.

13. The best of Mark Jackson

Six minutes of highlights of his insane behaviour commentated by the great man himself to a backdrop of canned laughter despite the interview taking place in the middle of the MCG at the hands of somebody called Darren Casey who was probably famous in the 90's.

Features the great segment when he claims Ron Barassi "couldn't coach pigs to be dirty", suggests that Mal Brown was misunderstood, admits to having set Lindsay Fox on fire and declares that John Devine shouldn't have been allowed on the mainland of Australia.

12. Jacko - Me Brain Hurts

Speaking of Jacko it would be simple to opt for the tried and true "I'm An Individual" but this offers so much more. Primative special effects and the Mark "Jacko" Jackson dancers prancing about in a boxing ring.

Not surprisingly failed to do as well in the charts as its predecessor

11. The as yet uncrowned 1991 Goal of the Year

Peter Daicos rolling one in from the boundary against the Brisbane Bears be buggered, this was the real deal. JUSTICE FOR JAKO.

10. Jamar walks off on Andy Maher

Ok so it's another one of mine but how much glee do you get watching Maher standing there looking stupid after the Russian becomes fed up and trudges off. This is the day where Mark Jamar stepped up from ok (having only stepped up from atrocious a year earlier) to being an UTTER BEAST of a fan favourite.

9. 1987 Prelim Final - MFC fan version

Yep that'll do nicely thanks. Roll on '88.

8. Ischenko Ischenko

The track that launched a thousand Moscow Moscow parodies. 998 of them by me.

7. Crows fan has a cry

No matter how low things get never be seen crying on camera. Pour your heart out if you must but don't charge towards a news crew and give them your side of the story because it will end up on YouTube forever and you will be labelled one of history's greatest tits.

The worst thing is the emphasis he puts on "me" as if it's so much worse that they were apparently robbed (and to be honest I've forgotten what happened in that game) in his presence. You're not the Governor General mate, you're a pisshead from Norwood get back across the border.

It's a shame nobody has an audio recording of the Melbourne ran who rang SEN after the Richmond game this year and started crying about how we were rubbish (really? Well done noticing that three weeks after the 186 debacle) while a dog frantically wailed in the background. It was absolutely chaotic radio the likes of which had never been heard before. His voice went even higher than the helium assisted Chris from Camberwell.

6. Hello Melbourne

"Surely nothing could go wrong", thought somebody at Channel 7, "if we got a bunch of footballers to record our jingle". Well nothing if you don't consider the most tuneless bunch of performers in history nervously butchering the track to be a problem.

In the spirit of openness and friendship they even invited an umpire to do a line but it rapidly becomes clear that the only reason he was asked to turn up is because his singing is so much creaky than even the worst of the footy players that he almost makes them look talented.

Look also for a young Gerard Healy extolling the virtues of Melbourne as a city about ten minutes before he took a paper bag stuffed with cash from Geoff Edelsten and pissed off to the Swans.

5. C'mon Demons

Not quite the apex of the 1980's craze for sports teams releasing cheesy singles (lest we forget the Los Angeles Rams telling us that they're going to "ram it all night long") but it's hard to think of anybody in Australia who did anything even remotely comparable. My personal highlight is Strawbs O'Dwyer scaring his own child just by looking at it.

Come on Melbourne FC hierachy, I know you're reading so let me tell you that the people want - nay DEMAND - that this is played on the big screen before a match at least once next season. Admittedly it would probably be better to do it against an interstate side so that we don't look completely stupid but that's ok because the 10,000 of us who are there will love it. Do it now. Is it true that this was written by Chris Connolly? He could do a live performance with Russell Robertson and Olivia Newton-John.

4. Sticks sings Stand By Your Man

It's the way his voice breaks a bit when he sings "sometimes it's haaaard to be a woman" which makes the Carlton premiership captain's rendition of this solid gold country hit far superior to that of, say, Tammy Wynette.

It's incredible that in any video featuring somebody sporting an immense mullet and a handheld microphone that big they would only be the 2nd and 3rd funniest things on offer. I was trapped inside a Chilean mine for 30 days I'd ask that they lowered down a phone with this on it.

Surely there's a version of this somewhere with just Sticks warbling and not some peanut giving us Pop Up Video style tidbits about Justin Madden.

3. The Frustrated Melbourne supporter

Look, it could be a set-up but just suspend your disbelief for a second and see yourself in this man's murderous eyes. If it is a fake then it approaches Trent From Punchy style levels of genius when he does the stand-up dance and declares that "they never fuckin' do anything!"

Several people have suggested that this might be me. Fortunately not but I can confirm that left alone in a house with just the Port Adelaide Round 24 game I was a lot more abusive towards the TV screen and inanimate objects.

2. Warwick Capper - I Only Take What's Mine

With apologies to Jacko and Carl Lewis this is probably the greatest song ever performed by an active athlete. Don't tell the other party but I'm going to come in to my wedding with this playing.

The tragedy of it all is that it didn't make the top 100 anywhere. Not in Melbourne or Sydney much less nationally. This deserves to be covered, and it deserves to be covered by one of the great superstars of the AFL. Shame most of them are as boring as a weekend in Omeo and wouldn't dare do it in case their modelling (or environmental warrior) careers were affected. Fire up you softcocks and be more like the original Wiz.

1. The Jurrahcane vs Alan Partridge

Admittedly this might not mean as much to you as it does to somebody like me who has watched every piece of Partridge related footage about 500 times and even stumped up for his fictional autobiography BUT if you don't like it do your own countdown. Compare if required to the original and then spend the rest of your screaming "AND ANOTHER!" whenever something happens in the office and accusing people of having a "foot like a traction engine".

Hint: I would gain significant respect for our cheersquad if they made banners referencing this video.

Double hint: We want a 2012 edition. Same commentary will do, just more killer highlights required.

Thursday 12 January 2012

New Year Wishlist

We surveyed the employees at Demonblog Towers (now trading in its 8th different location since the blog started) about what they're wishing for our players next year - as well as for some prominent ex-Demons. In order to spare any legal trouble we won't attribute the comments to the people who made them.

Except the $cully one, I wrote that. Do a hammy you clown.

MFC list

2. Nathan Jones
Improve further on last year's strong(ish) season. Keep kicking goals and become a weapon in the midfield to complement Moloney/Trengove.

3. Clint Bartram
Grasp the concept of kicking to a target.

4. Jack Watts
One break-out year. 30 goals off half-forward and more assists than you can shake a stick at. Reach a point where any comparisons to Nic Nat and Hurley are completely stupid because - as with Nick Riewoldt vs Jack Frawley - it doesn't matter which one is 1% better because they're all guns.

5. Jordan Gysberts
Consistency. Use the increased focus on Trengove to run riot and give us another killer weapon in the midfield.

6. Matthew Bate
Bely the fact that you're the slowest man on earth to make the move to the midfield group a success. Anything that makes you realise going to Footscray is a fate worse than death.

7. Jamie Bennell
Find a spot. Forward, back, whatever. Just find somewhere, make it your own and stop tempting coaches to drag you from one end to the other on a whim like a miniature Brad Miller.

8. James Frawley
Become the out-and-out superstar that you deserve to be - starting with the All-Australian FB slot. You shudder to think how bad we'd have been defensively last year if he wasn't down there.

9. Jack Trengove
Don't get killed by the 'next big thing', 'next captain' talk. Become the gamebreaker that we desperately need. Outshine everything the $2 Million Turd does for the rest of your respective careers.

10. Cale Morton
Either learn to go in for hard balls or return to being the Thin White Duke who ripped out some absolutely bananas games in his first two seasons. It probably doesn't help that there's a collective groan every time he gets the ball but some confidence would help. One free booking with the club psychologist. Surely we have a club psychologist.

11. Mitch Clark
Forget the ludicrously overblown pricetag on your head and the fact that we're pinning our hopes on you being the next big thing as a full forward despite never having kicked 30 goals in a season. Just get down there, throw your body around, take out some good defenders and contribute. If Jurrah winds up kicking 70 goals and you get 30 as the highest paid decoy in league history then at least you got a hundred between you.

12. Colin Sylvia
Go to bed early and stop being a dickhead off-field. I'll suspend the secondary wish of a vicious Mark Neeld right hook to the head until he commits another atrocity.

13. Jordie McKenzie
Smash the all-time record for tackles in a season (202 at 8.08 per game stats fans) and become universally acknowledged as one of the great draft bargains of our time.

14. Lynden Dunn
Shave off that ludicrous bum-fluff, the joke is over. Also find a way to win a permanent spot in the side now that despite two half decent seasons he finds himself sliding down the pecking order amongst our 2000 mid-sized forwards.

15. Ricky Petterd
Watch the video of that Richmond game over and over again. Contribute goals but more importantly contribute pressure. Inform Lynden Dunn that you will not be bumped out of the side by somebody with a ludicrous mo.

16. Jack Grimes
Fitness. My god one full season of fitness. Look at Moloney and Rivers - even if you've been persecuted for years you just need to get on a roll and you can string a few years together without ending up in traction.

17. Sam Blease
Build on your good start, tonk some decent teams. Start with a good run in the NAB Cup so we know you weren't a one hit wonder.

18. Brad Green
To stay captain and stick it up your detractors. Didn't do much for the art of captaincy last year but please explain who would have been able to marshal that burnt out wreck of a side? Unless there are behind the scenes shenanigans afoot I see no reason to spit in the face of a 10+ year servant of the club who - lest we forget - could have been off at Collingwood playing for flags now.

19. James Strauss
No lasting effects from that injury, and to not have the filthy vultures at Channel Seven and Fox Sports show it ad nauseum when you come back.

20. Colin Garland
Stay fit, develop a facial expression which doesn't make you look permanently stoned. Keep doing what you've been doing - it's working.

21. Lucas Cook
If you're going to initially struggle to get a spot in our allegedly star studded forward line at least play consistently good VFL seniors games. Surely we've passed the era where we're just handing out games to anybody these days, so earn your spot with a huge run of good games. Should help now that VFL fodder like Fev and Juice are out of the way at Casey.

22. Brent Moloney
Continual to be a natural leader. Demand improvement and better help from your teammates - tell them when they're not helping. Watch the Best Of The Psychic Friends Connection video compilation and work out how you can use your winning tag team with Jamar to advantage despite every other team in the competition knowing he's going to aim for you most of the time.

24. Liam Jurrah
Just give us highlights out the yin yang. We want another video like this. Sure we'll have to go through the same old whinging and moaning about disinterest in forward pressure but I can take that as long as the rest of them are covering for The Jurrahcane while he plays his natural game and snaps goals out of his arse. Of course "natural game" and "Mark Neeld" do not appear to mesh so whatever he's forced into I hope he can manage it without disaster.

25. Tom McDonald
Be the man who is ready to step in on a minute's notice when one of our first choice defenders inevitably injures himself.

26. Daniel Nicholson
Bring the pace. Be our nominated rookie who can play from Round 1.

27. Jared Rivers
Show everyone, including me, why you deserved such a high finish in the B&F. Exorcise the demons of last year by thrashing buggery out of Travis Cloke on Queen's Birthday when the coaching staff get wise this time and give you some help instead of just marooning you in the square to look stupid.

28. Joel Macdonald
The clock is ticking so you might not play every week, but when you make sure you continue to be an angry bastard. Whatever else happened last year we'll never forget that filthy look for Morton against Collingwood.

30. James Sellar
Win back some respect. Doesn't have to play 22 games, or even 12 games. Just be a big bodied player ready to go if required and if all goes well we go into 2013 having saved your career.

32. Michael Evans
Don't just start handballing every time and then piss off to Hawthorn in order to play in their reserves like the last bloke with that number.

34. The Stefan Martin Experience
Capitalise on a break-out season. Keep racking up the disposals around the ground and providing a handy back-up for Jamar. Also keep drifting forward to kick goals.

35. Luke Tapscott
Become the best kick-in player for the MFC since.. Anyone? (Warning - do not say Travis Johnstone or I'll have you sectioned under the Mental Health Act)

36. Aaron Davey
Go back to the forward line and crumb like buggery. Remember you're the man who practically invented forward pressure in the mid 2000's. Sure there were some great years in the midfield and off half-back flank but it's time to come home Flash.

37. Max Gawn
Get well soon you mammoth, man mountain of a human. May you one day achieve your dream of killing James Bond.

38. Jeremy Howe
Continue where you left off, be one of the pillars in our Multiple Towers of Terror forward line. Either feed off Clark taking the best defenders or free him up to play against the slop.

39. Neville Jetta
A decent run in the side, and not one that involves wearing a stupid green vest every second week. While we're at it how about the abolition of the sub rule entirely so that fringe players like this can get a decent run at senior level without the shadow of having to sit on the bench for three quarters hanging over their head?

40. Mark Jamar
A year of good health. You deserve it. 2010 cannot stand alone as the one year that you became one of Australia's greatest living humans and didn't suffer an injury. And the rest of us deserve another great year because by my count you're still 3-6 considering 2003-08 were so dire.

Also to qualify as Vladimir Putin's running mate at the Russian Presidential election despite not actually being Russian in any way.

41. Troy Davis
I still have no idea who this is.

42. Jake Spencer
Win some respect after becoming somewhat of a comedy figure over the last couple of years (sorry, I think I contributed). Also to avoid going 0-9 and setting a new record for Melbourne matches without a victory. Frankly if he somehow manages to play nine games and doesn't win one of them we're all going to end up having to go under heavy sedation.

43. Rory Taggert
Whatever it is that you do, do it well in the VFL and I hope we're going well enough in the seniors to not require you until 2013. Also I'm hoping for another series of your Scottish detective show.

44. Rohan Bail
A full season. Otherwise just keep doing what you do because you've got cult figure value coming out the wazoo.

45. Kelvin Lawrence
To play 'seniors' during the NAB Cup and smash the VFL en route to a mid-season debut if/when the aforementioned Davey to the pocket experiment dies in the arse.

46. Josh Tynan
See Rory Taggert but without the Scottish bit.

47. Tom Couch
To play good football in the NAB Cup and stake a claim for a Round 1 spot. Also to do one thing without the papers pointing out who your dad is.

48. Jack Fitzpatrick
To play a senior game that doesn't involve the same comedy factor as Round 24 last year. In fact to play another senior game full stop - the last place you want to end your career is on this list.

49. James Magner
Get a game against St Kilda, smash them and wave two fingers in the general direction of their recruiting staff who let you get away.

50. Jai Sheahan
Enjoy having the silliest first name in MFC history. Hopefully en route to playing seniors at some point.

51. Leigh Williams
Make the transition to VFL football comfortably en route to a 2013 debut. Do everything that we wanted Clutterbuck to do before you stole took his spot on the rookie list.

Players at other clubs

Cameron Bruce
Do the right thing for the club who made you by stuffing up the Hawks when we play them. Preferably with a failed dinky kick across the goalmouth.

Darren Jolly
I can't wish him badly but unfortunately as he plays for scum it'll have to be a golden season in a rotten team. Also make Pendlebury look so good that GW$ offer him the most ridiculous contract in history, sucking the Pies into matching it which causes them to lose every other good player on the list and end up in the slop.

Emo Maric
To appear in Richmond's team photo with a broad grin before slowly returning to your normal depressive state as the season goes on and you realise that playing for Richmond is even more soul destroying than playing for us.

Junior McDonald
To be the only player to come out of the Franchise with any credit whatsoever. May you win their Best and Fairest by 300 votes from the Big Setant in second place and then come home to where you belong. The people who didn't appreciate you are gone now, it's safe to come back.

Brock McLean
Play at least one blinder in the ones for the sake of your own mental health. As long as it's not against us. Cause me to cop outright abuse from Twitter again after suggesting you'd be better than half our list in the emotional wake of a disappointing loss.

Bradforth Miller
It's about time Richmond weren't complete gash, and as long as they're not competing with us for a spot in the eight I hope Brad goes off his nut. Still doesn't mean I wanted to keep him, even if he kicks 80 goals, but you can't begrudge him some success. Also for Pia to return to the Melbourne fold just for the hornbags.

Scumbag Scully
A fractured kneecap, caused by your kneecap smashing you square in the face as you collapse the ground after suffering two broken ankles. And to invest all your ill-gotten money in Qintex and/or a Nigerian internet scam.

Scott Thompson
Win the Brownlow. I'm over the proto-Scully anger about him leaving. Hell why not win a flag? If we're not going to win it I could have half a toss which interstate team does (other than the franchises) as long as I don't know any of their fans and don't have to hear about it.

Matthew Warnock
Enjoy enhancing your status as the player with the worst win/loss record in the AFL. Be comforted by the fact you'd have to go 0-18 this year to nudge into the top 20 of all time least successful VFL/AFL players. Did a lot of good work in the 2008-2009 dark seasons and will hopefully stay sane and free of shell-shock long enough to do it again.