Friday, 13 January 2012

Demonblog's top 20 footy videos of all-time

Realistically I just wanted all the classics that I've seen a thousand times in one place for reference without having to log in to YouTube. Seems as good a place as any. If there's anything that needs to be considered for future editions please advise.

20. Jako's karaoke masterclass

What countdown is complete without about 50 Jako videos? Surely the only thing that can lure him out of hiding right now is the promise of a national tour for Trial By Video.

Jako is on from 4 minutes 30 seconds. Watch and you will surely agree that there is no way that the great man went home that night unlaid.

19. Sydney Swans apology

Probably the most smug moment in football broadcasting history. Appeals to me for the sheer random nature of the idea the fact that some poor production assistant was dispatched to work out who had tipped the Swans for the spoon and that moment when we first watched it and thought "where the hell are they going with this?" before the big reveal at the end.

But where was "The Sydney Swans would like to thank Melbourne for throwing the Round 22 game in order to get a priority pick"? We had a hand in that finals run too. Also notice that somehow not one single person connected with Channel 10 gets a run. Did they really all not pick Sydney to finish last or was history quickly rewritten so they didn't look like complete hypocrites?

18. Coach loses it with obscenity laden tirade

Has anyone ever verified that this is legitimate? Still sounds to me like somebody's in the background pissing themselves and the guy screaming even loses it at one point but I want to believe it is.

I especially want it to be real considering that at the start he says he's not going to start ranting and raving and then 30 seconds later he's telling somebody to shove a can of Solo up their arse. So many great lines, so many great memories, let's all go off to St Albans next year.

17. McDonalds Footy Burger

The grab and the catchphrase which was responsible for the crippling of hundreds of children across the land in the late 90's. Deserves a comeback even if the burger in question was really just a Double Cheeseburger after an unconvincing rebrand.

16. Full Metal Barassi

The presence of this video in any countdown is a total conflict of interest considering that I made it (and not very well at that) but, you know, go with it.

What I really wanted was this audio over the vision of Barassi vs Shane Zantuck at Waverley in the early 80's but I couldn't be bothered finding it so this will do.

15. Jako kisses less talented brother

One of the trifecta of great memorable moments of our games against West Coast in the early 90's alongside Jako and John Worsfold having an argument through a fence and Chris Lewis eating Todd Viney's finger for lunch.

14. Comeback against Freo

Viewed in isolation the second half of this game is probably the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. Taken in the context of the era you scream "by christ how did we get nine goals behind in the first place?" and wonder if you should watch through your fingers because it's actually symptomatic of what's been wrong with us for the last five years.

For the purposes of this countdown I'm declaring it glorious.

13. The best of Mark Jackson

Six minutes of highlights of his insane behaviour commentated by the great man himself to a backdrop of canned laughter despite the interview taking place in the middle of the MCG at the hands of somebody called Darren Casey who was probably famous in the 90's.

Features the great segment when he claims Ron Barassi "couldn't coach pigs to be dirty", suggests that Mal Brown was misunderstood, admits to having set Lindsay Fox on fire and declares that John Devine shouldn't have been allowed on the mainland of Australia.

12. Jacko - Me Brain Hurts

Speaking of Jacko it would be simple to opt for the tried and true "I'm An Individual" but this offers so much more. Primative special effects and the Mark "Jacko" Jackson dancers prancing about in a boxing ring.

Not surprisingly failed to do as well in the charts as its predecessor

11. The as yet uncrowned 1991 Goal of the Year

Peter Daicos rolling one in from the boundary against the Brisbane Bears be buggered, this was the real deal. JUSTICE FOR JAKO.

10. Jamar walks off on Andy Maher

Ok so it's another one of mine but how much glee do you get watching Maher standing there looking stupid after the Russian becomes fed up and trudges off. This is the day where Mark Jamar stepped up from ok (having only stepped up from atrocious a year earlier) to being an UTTER BEAST of a fan favourite.

9. 1987 Prelim Final - MFC fan version

Yep that'll do nicely thanks. Roll on '88.

8. Ischenko Ischenko

The track that launched a thousand Moscow Moscow parodies. 998 of them by me.

7. Crows fan has a cry

No matter how low things get never be seen crying on camera. Pour your heart out if you must but don't charge towards a news crew and give them your side of the story because it will end up on YouTube forever and you will be labelled one of history's greatest tits.

The worst thing is the emphasis he puts on "me" as if it's so much worse that they were apparently robbed (and to be honest I've forgotten what happened in that game) in his presence. You're not the Governor General mate, you're a pisshead from Norwood get back across the border.

It's a shame nobody has an audio recording of the Melbourne ran who rang SEN after the Richmond game this year and started crying about how we were rubbish (really? Well done noticing that three weeks after the 186 debacle) while a dog frantically wailed in the background. It was absolutely chaotic radio the likes of which had never been heard before. His voice went even higher than the helium assisted Chris from Camberwell.

6. Hello Melbourne

"Surely nothing could go wrong", thought somebody at Channel 7, "if we got a bunch of footballers to record our jingle". Well nothing if you don't consider the most tuneless bunch of performers in history nervously butchering the track to be a problem.

In the spirit of openness and friendship they even invited an umpire to do a line but it rapidly becomes clear that the only reason he was asked to turn up is because his singing is so much creaky than even the worst of the footy players that he almost makes them look talented.

Look also for a young Gerard Healy extolling the virtues of Melbourne as a city about ten minutes before he took a paper bag stuffed with cash from Geoff Edelsten and pissed off to the Swans.

5. C'mon Demons

Not quite the apex of the 1980's craze for sports teams releasing cheesy singles (lest we forget the Los Angeles Rams telling us that they're going to "ram it all night long") but it's hard to think of anybody in Australia who did anything even remotely comparable. My personal highlight is Strawbs O'Dwyer scaring his own child just by looking at it.

Come on Melbourne FC hierachy, I know you're reading so let me tell you that the people want - nay DEMAND - that this is played on the big screen before a match at least once next season. Admittedly it would probably be better to do it against an interstate side so that we don't look completely stupid but that's ok because the 10,000 of us who are there will love it. Do it now. Is it true that this was written by Chris Connolly? He could do a live performance with Russell Robertson and Olivia Newton-John.

4. Sticks sings Stand By Your Man

It's the way his voice breaks a bit when he sings "sometimes it's haaaard to be a woman" which makes the Carlton premiership captain's rendition of this solid gold country hit far superior to that of, say, Tammy Wynette.

It's incredible that in any video featuring somebody sporting an immense mullet and a handheld microphone that big they would only be the 2nd and 3rd funniest things on offer. I was trapped inside a Chilean mine for 30 days I'd ask that they lowered down a phone with this on it.

Surely there's a version of this somewhere with just Sticks warbling and not some peanut giving us Pop Up Video style tidbits about Justin Madden.

3. The Frustrated Melbourne supporter

Look, it could be a set-up but just suspend your disbelief for a second and see yourself in this man's murderous eyes. If it is a fake then it approaches Trent From Punchy style levels of genius when he does the stand-up dance and declares that "they never fuckin' do anything!"

Several people have suggested that this might be me. Fortunately not but I can confirm that left alone in a house with just the Port Adelaide Round 24 game I was a lot more abusive towards the TV screen and inanimate objects.

2. Warwick Capper - I Only Take What's Mine

With apologies to Jacko and Carl Lewis this is probably the greatest song ever performed by an active athlete. Don't tell the other party but I'm going to come in to my wedding with this playing.

The tragedy of it all is that it didn't make the top 100 anywhere. Not in Melbourne or Sydney much less nationally. This deserves to be covered, and it deserves to be covered by one of the great superstars of the AFL. Shame most of them are as boring as a weekend in Omeo and wouldn't dare do it in case their modelling (or environmental warrior) careers were affected. Fire up you softcocks and be more like the original Wiz.

1. The Jurrahcane vs Alan Partridge

Admittedly this might not mean as much to you as it does to somebody like me who has watched every piece of Partridge related footage about 500 times and even stumped up for his fictional autobiography BUT if you don't like it do your own countdown. Compare if required to the original and then spend the rest of your screaming "AND ANOTHER!" whenever something happens in the office and accusing people of having a "foot like a traction engine".

Hint: I would gain significant respect for our cheersquad if they made banners referencing this video.

Double hint: We want a 2012 edition. Same commentary will do, just more killer highlights required.

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