Once more without feeling

The new certainties in life are death, taxes, and Melbourne fans incorrectly believing they'll get one over Collingwood. Even with their final chances reduced to a probability of *, anyone expecting a Mortal Kombat-style 'Finish Him!' ending was either being wildly optimistic or desperately trying to manifest a satisfying exit from a long, unsuccessful season where cups of hot piss were regularly thrown in and out of the tent. Bring a raincoat, the supply doesn't look like drying up.

Strangely, the team that might have benefited from a thumping win brought in players who could do with the exposure, while we only reluctantly let Bailey Laurie play because Sparrow was injured, then made him the sub anyway. Casey has been tits on a bull useless recently, but this was the biggest commitment to martyrdom since Reverend Jim Jones visited Guyana. For all we know Kynan Brown's AFL career might have peaked with that one ripping tackle, but any harm in giving him one measly start? He may have had more luck getting into the same orbit as a Daicos brother than anyone else. Maybe not, but some indication they didn't think thrashing hot garbage Gold Coast was a great leap forward would have been nice. Instead, our all-important crack at stability in the 25th and last week of the season turned into Witches' Hat Appreciation Night and it's a modern miracle that the margin was under 50 points.

Who can blame the players for being over it by this point, especially after another week of speculation about who pinched Petracca's lunch from the Casey Fields fridge. Nobody knew that saga existed a couple of weeks ago, now it keeps on giving in the style of repeated blows to the head with a cricket bat. When Channel 7 promoted his pre-match interview I expected something more like Jack Viney's carefully chosen words at Carrara than the sequel to I Have A Dream, but after a season where we've been dead weight on their billion dollar investment, there was one final double middle finger to 7 when he pulled out and left Steven May to politely go through the motions instead. They got something back by taking up half Ben Brown's lap of honour with banal questions just above the level of awkward chats with Auskick kids.

This left the door open for more speculation, and the chance that he'd turn on us halfway through the game like Hulk Hogan joining the New World Order, but regardless of what happens between now and the final day of trade period, it's his right to choose who he speaks to and when. If replacing Dustin Martin as the league's #1 anti-media recluse is best for him then he should do it, regardless of the views of sooky journos who think the world revolves around them getting content. Regardless of what's been leaked (so far), my preference is for Petracca to come back and play the rest of a great career with us, but whatever is happening out of the public eye I hope he's being supported by people with more interest in his welfare than their cut of the next yoghurt endorsement.

All conspiracy theories are shit except the ones you believe in, so while the natural reaction to this article would be to say "well stuff him then", I'm pretty sure we're being played like a fiddle through the media. It could be his side looking for an excuse to create the classic 'untenable situation', the club softening up the ground for cashing in on him, other teams throwing hand grenades so they can take advantage of the chaos, or a combination of the three. I'd bet options B) or C), but let's see if I can hit publish before option A) comes back with a vengeance with conveniently timed reports about the club being awful and memories of that time we nearly drowned him. 

I'm suss about the stuff that goes out of its way to make him look like a diva. Anyone would prefer training full-time around the city rather than Cranbourne, and it would be nice to play blockbusters galore, but what's changed on either of those fronts since he signed a goldenballs contract extension? Reading between the lines and coming up with my own story, I gather that he's no longer fond of Oliver. That's fine, but please note Mick Jagger and Keith Richards fell out for about 15 years too but look how much money they've made since.

I'm definitely getting too old for this shit, because come or go I can't work get into a frenzy unless we're spooked into letting him go for peanuts. Here's to enforcing his contract, even if it makes the club go even more Fawlty Towers, and he can choose to get paid next year by us or Colgate. Kane Cornes was upset that Neal-Bullen didn't consider delicate family scenarios when signing a new deal, so he'll either treat this like war crimes or have a clickbait-friendly change of heart and decide Petracca should get freedom of movement because United Nations or something.

Distractions are welcome when not involved in finals, but this is a bit extreme. Set your time machine for early 2020 and see what reaction you'd get to Petracca and ANB both requesting trades and the Bullet possibly leaving as the more beloved figure. Thrown in what happened at the end of 2021 and you'll be put to death for witchcraft.

Also withdrawing late, but without the same 'Harold Holt goes to Portsea' style rumours attached, Jake Lever. He became the latest player to go down ill before a game, and it's worth checking there's not a dead pigeon in the Casey Fields water supply before that's cited as a reason for players to leave too. I was expecting a disappointing night long before he dropped out, and with our VFL key position stocks down to one untried kid at least it meant a full game for Woewodin after a record-breaking half a year as sub. His reward was a night of torment, but that's ok because there's only two things anyone will remember about this game with an optional third if it decides the Brownlow result.

The good news for a defence with cavernous Lever and May-shaped holes is that we had a qualified, premiership-winning backman at the other end who could easily return to his natural habitat after a season that's been the equivalent of trying to strike a match underwater. That didn't happen, and in what may be his last game for us Adam Tomlinson was handed a leaking box of shite for a going away present. He'd visibly lost the will to live before half time as the ball came towards him at the warpiest possible speed, while at the other end our reincarnation of Victoria's 1989 State of Origin forward line scored fewer points than there were minutes in the final quarter. 

I was all for honouring the 1964 premiership players (and if you want to know more about that season, *hint hint*), but if I felt there wasn't enough time left to watch the final 10 minutes, any of them who stayed through the lightning delay deserve a second life membership. The unsaid bit of that presentation was they were the final chapter in a glorious era before the whole operation collapsed into dust, back to a wooden spoon within five years, and no further finals until 1987. That was just coach fighting with committee, in 2024 you need an IMAX-size flowchart to understand who's cranky at who, incorporating upset family members, and court cases involving both former and aspiring administrators.

As we were doing everything to guide Collingwood towards goal except turn on airport-style ground lights, it might not have helped if we had Petty, Turner, or the USS Ticonderoga down there, but when it looked like our season was going end in a sad, disgrunted heap I wondered how long it would take before they tried something to plug the gap. Maybe the real farewell gift was for Greg Stafford, leaving his forward dream together one last time before he departed under an unprecedented level of anti-assistant coach vitriol as if most of us have any idea what assistants are actually responsible for. 

With injury excuses out the wazoo and absolutely nothing to play for, I'm not broken-hearted about losing. Strangely, we played worse than I expected but lost by less. The most important thing was avoiding humiliation. The actual margin has already been forgotten but a perverse, triple-figure slaughter might have blown the place to bits. What is annoying is how often we lost games like this when the season was still alive. This was just a lo-fi version of King's Birthday, where Lever was the only serious absence and Petracca went down trying to conjure something from a forward line on their way to 0.4 at quarter time. Getting all the stars back next year will be a positive, but they've got heaps of gap-plugging work to do on the list.  

Flogging the ultimate dead horse last week was welcome proof of life but not much guide to the future. It was the first time anyone's ever said "they played their Grand Final against Gold Coast" but that's as close as we're getting this year, and depending on off-season carnage perhaps several more after. We did our bit for tradition by clocking off after 22 games, and I could have comfortably bet a kidney on Collingwood well before we replaced the last part of the Great Wall of Melbourne with thin air. They'd be disappointed at not winning by a lot more, if not only slightly less over it than us by the end.

The brief summary is that the team with a fanging midfield and average forward line comfortably beat one running on fumes and reverting to barely functioning respectively. There's something in the "it's the midfield stupid" philosophy, but I'm certain you can make up for a lot of that by retaining the ball when it goes forward, or at least slowing it down so the opposition can't just launch like the bloody space shuttle right over the heads of said midfield. In one extra game we only kicked about 10 less goals than the 2021 home and away season (and conceded about 40 more), but the toil to get them was like the Paul Roos rebuild years without a 'just happy to be alive' free hit atmosphere. 

It's been the sort of year where you can have three games where somebody kicks five goals and lose two of them. Several years ago I'd have, in the style of Martha and the Motels, sold my soul for 41 goals but it still feels like Fritsch underperformed. Pickett was a steady enough, and a welcome cameo midfielder, Chandler does things but not as often or as importantly as last year, and all of Petty, Turner and van Rooyen had moments, but you could tell the structure wasn't working midway through the year and we boldly persisted while the season burned down around us. If it pays off in the future I'll send a card to say thanks, but didn't do us any good this year.

Now that we know Wayne Harmes kept the ball in, footy's greatest unsolved mystery is Harrison Petty's 2024 season. It was a good idea to try and recapture his form from last year pre-foot burst, and I was willing to be patient after he missed pre-season, but stretching that patience across goal tallies of 0, 0, 1, 0, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0, 1, 0, 0, 1, 1, 0 and 0 without a break wasn't in anyone's best interest unless they've got a binary code fetish. 

I'm pleased that he bumped his tally up by 33% in the second last game of the season, but how does a key position forward kick six goals in his first 18 games and not get rotated out of the side once? Credit to his resilience for playing through a difficult year where he must have known things weren't going well, but I'd understand if players well down the food chain from Petracca were annoyed watching him get picked every week while they were being madly rotated in and out of the side. Only his foot could do what the coaches refused to, causing his only two substitutions and only absence from the side after Round 2. Just one token dropping in the middle of the year would have confirmed they had some standards.

My only hesitation in declaring this an all-time dreadful selection policy is that a) I don't want to be cited as a hater so he can carpool to Adelaide with Neal-Bullen and anchor their defence for the next decade, and b) Petty did some good stuff up the ground. It's just that whenever he entered 50 it was like one of those shopping trollies wired to slam the brakes on if you take them too far. In another environment, with different players around him I can see how it could work but this wasn't meant to be an experimental season where we could sacrifice wins to force-feed players with experience like human Fois Gras. And if it was, a few probably want a word about how long they spent ankle-deep in sludge on VFL grounds. 

NFI if we'd have got any benefit from throwing Schache, Jefferson, late season Brown, or McDonald down there instead, but not even trying it once with the season on the line is stubborn to the point of insanity. 50% of those names are not our future, one has already been express delisted, and the other is an unknown quantity but until a few weeks ago we were hanging on in a competitive finals race and the only change of policy was making Turner the sub for a fortnight after he'd kicked eight goals in five games. Asked before the game if we were looking for a key forward in the off-season Goodwin gave the usual diplomatic "we want anybody who'll improve us", but sounded like he genuinely believed everything was going well, without even a slightly conciliatory "it hasn't worked exactly as we've liked but they're improving" blah blah blah, so we've got that going for us.

But surely if you're not going to fill a defensive hole with a defender, the next best option in a nothing game was to use Petty as second ruckman. Give JVR a full game doing his actual job and hopefully not thinking about Armaguard truck style offers from home, enjoy the additional benefits of a natural defender floating through an understrength backline as required etc... Nah, we just stuck with what got us here, as if tonking the Washington Generals last week solved everything. It's all just a bit weird, and if the media's going to tee off on us non-stop can we have a break from the sexy macro-level topics and get into some of this enthusiast-only stuff?

If you turned up with dreams of another stirring victory that would send us into the off-season on Cloud 9, disappointment can't have been far behind. The opening moments showed there was only one team in it, and refer previous amazement that we weren't left identifiable only by dental records. It feels like the opening quarter was just the ball going towards the Collingwood goal like an endlessly looping GIF - except for the bits where they'd stop to have a shot.

I only arrived at the tail end of Peter Daicos' career, so my top memory of him was taking the focus off Jako's famous 11 goal haul in 1991 by plundering Brisbane for 13 a few hours later. Turns out he's actually a genetic jackhammer who delivered his old club the Father/Son lotto jackpot. Playing against a light breeze, they both racked up 40 disposals in the easiest final round accumulation since Carlton stood back and let Travis Johnstone do as he liked. This time there was two of them, neither will get traded immediately after, and the opposition was competing to the best of their abilities.

Our midfield was less good. Gawn continued to do his Nathan Jones tribute act by trying to lift teammates onto his weary shoulders but could only do so much when we were being obliterated at ground level. If anyone deserves to squeeze a few extra dollars out of it's Viney, but nothing says Melbourne 2024 like successfully pulling off Operation Contract Extension then being tagged into the ground by somebody who's played about 380 games. Once all was lost we gave McVee a turn, and he had a few good minutes before it became an extended learning experience. Remember not too far back when Salem was going to become a midfielder? That didn't take, and here he was getting plenty of the ball at half-back but never threatening to launch end-to-end moves that end with somebody trotting into an empty goalsquare. Didn't have much to work with ahead of him though.

You wouldn't have known it watching this procession, but we arrived with as many wins as losses. That's not worth getting excited about, and the 23rd game was a bridge too far. You'll never convince me that Gather Round's Gold Coast vs North at A. Local Park blockbusters are worth an extra game, and Carlton nearly missing finals in epic/tragic/hilarious fashion (delete as applicable) helped covered up how for the second year in a row what looked like a thrilling finals race was all but decided before the last round.

We did get the first goal of the game, absurdly against the run of play. If you thought that was the start of something big I've got a pyramid scheme you may be interested in. And once Collingwood got in front even the Pakistani cricket team would have struggled to make a loss look convincing. Our players were having what go they could still muster, but were basically just objects to be navigated around. The best comparison is our last home game of 2019 when all was long lost and everyone just wanted the season to be over. That night we kicked three goals in the first quarter, two in the last, and STUFF ALL in the middle, so in some obscure ways this was a better performance. That was Marty Hore's 13th career game, this was his 20th, and he must feel a bit cheated participating in that pair of slopfests after missing The Good Years.

Things can get very bad, very quickly, but reaching quarter time 'just' four goals behind made an unmerciful beating less likely. Collingwood players were conceding before the game that their season was over, but reducing if they'd had a sniff of what Geelong did to West Coast in the first half there would have been no reason to slow down. Fortunately we held it together long enough that once that was off the cards they were happy to get to the end as quickly as possible (weather permitting) and crack on with their September Plan B too.

It would have saved a lot of trouble if the captains had been permitted to shake hands and go home right then. We got the smallest of potential revival buzzes when Chandler got an early goal and tried to do the impossible and lift spirits with an enthusiastic celebration. That just cancelled out the one we'd already conceded, but there was a slight buzz when JVR got the next. Didn't last long, but this was our best part of the game. It was still mostly get ball > do nothing with ball > watch other team go past with ball, but well ahead of the bit where we were 10-0 behind for inside 50 marks.

As all fell apart before him, I appreciated Tom McDonald taking on all comers to stop the margin getting unsavoury. He didn't win every time (because how could you with the ball arriving like that?), but helped us avoid being blown away by a forward line that only looked marginally less bootleg than ours. We were only narrowly outscored for the quarter, which sounds like a terrible thing to be satisfied about, but the way it was going early I was happy with anything that took apocalyptic battery off the table.   

And on the topic of battery, it looks like our new end of season tradition is a Kysaiah Pickett suspension. Last year it was striking, this time it was illegal bumping, so god knows what he'll do next year but I wouldn't mind a return to 2021's popular 'wearing a premiership medal' ending. Pending a legal miracle he's out for the first three games of 2025, and extra fuel has been chucked on the bonfire for two fanbases who were already upset with each other. With a level of respect for Darcy Moore not often afforded to Angus Brayshaw, I'd prefer if we spiced things up by winning more than once every five years rather than by trading concussions.

Before mocking 100% self-confidence, 0% self-awareness opposition fans, I'd like to reiterate my unpopular minority opinion that still carrying on about Maynard makes us look minor league. It also plays right into their deranged 'everyone is against us' identity, and most importantly sets a moral highground bar that can't be maintained forever. Kindly exclude me from 'what about XYZ?' comparisons between the incidents, because while Maynard was lucky to avoid suspension via the influential club/"you can't miss a Grand Final for that" double, the real villains are classless nutbags on the other side of the fence. It's not all Collingwood fans, just the ones who use either "dog", "flog", or both in every sentence and go on jubilant, sweaty laps of a restaurant when their players are found not liable for causing a brain injury. We've all got them, but these people are so highly strung that Russia should study them for ways to up their election interference game.

This is where I get involved, making an immediate post-bump prediction that based on historical precedent we were about to see the 'Days since a Collingwood racism scandal' counter reset to zero. That went down about as well as Drag Queen Storytime for the Taliban, causing human victim impact statements to come from all angles like they'd been personally wronged, starting replies to the suggestion that a player might be vilified with "but... ", offering unsolicited opinions about how Craig Kelly is innocent, and all sorts of other generic vitriol that confirmed they've replaced Essendon fans as the fish who jump on the hook for you. 

I regret not taking the easy way out and saying he'd be on the end of general foul abuse from deros, because in a partial win for human decency the dog 'n flog connection pulled up short and just called Pickett every other dehumanising name under the sun. Well done for confounding expectations, maybe consider why everyone else's first thought was "yeah, I can see that happening". After the mileage they got out of Ed Langdon's throwaway duck talk, the WWF-style 'pretending to be upset to get fans excited' will be off the chart the next time we play them - which I can confidently say won't be in the first three rounds if the suspension holds. 

As for the incident itself, I wasn't surprised that he was rubbed out. You can go down the list of mitigating factors from credible to ludicrous, but in a week where Dan Houston (appearing in back-to-back posts after never being mentioned once before) got five weeks for doing something not worthy of a free kick you're cactus if a bump catches somebody in the head. Rightly or wrongly, there's no consideration given to how the other player ended up there. Regardless of who's at fault, Moore was unlucky to be in the path of one of the few times our forwards have made body contact with a defender all season.

A split second earlier they'd have clattered off each other, the commentators would have had a brief orgasm, and we'd go back to politely losing before the game was never mentioned again. Now our best hope is to get the penalty reduced with the biggest legal heist since the OJ Simpson trial. Can't see it happening, but if the "I wasn't looking" defence somehow gets him off it'll cause the usual suspects to melt down as if Chernobyl merged with Fukushima, so no matter how frivolous the appeals are I'm all the way in. Go for a three-in-one Supreme Court deal with Glenn Bartlett and Peter Lawrence if that's what it takes to annoy these clods.

Assuming we don't get the ultimate comedy result of the AFL necking their own case with legal errors, that's our only lively forward gone for the first few weeks of next season. Remember when he was suspended for the inaugural Round Bugger All, and I thought his return meant we'd never go hungry again? In defence of that failed projection, I didn't think we'd react to the inevitable Ben Brown breakdown by sticking with a malfunctioning forward line well beyond the point of silliness. 

Any serious interest in the game was dead after the big bump, but there was still time for one last slapstick routine. Bowey and Fritsch had both departed for medical attention during the second quarter, and as he walked off the ground before the restart Goodwin said they were "good to go", just as the camera cut with perfect comic timing to Bowey walking off the ground, shaking his head. About two minutes later he was subbed out, and somewhere Christian Petracca was doing his own version of Leonardo DiCaprio pointing at the TV. I guess he had initially been cleared but realised he wasn't right and self-excluded (now there's an idea), but to anyone else who wants to unfairly malign our medical staff it made us look like we were making decisions like this:

2. Talk To Us, Dr Chicken. pic.twitter.com/IMh0LsmGcg

— Dr Kit Chapman (@ChemistryKit) October 12, 2022

There was a third quarter, and like a complete goose I sat through it. In some horrible years one last force 10 gale of shit would tide you over for a few months (e.g. James Sellar nearly kicking what I choose to believe would have been goal of the century after coming in as a late replacement in 2013. And if you're suspect of my commitment for not attending this week, I rushed to get to that game on time and round out a season with our lowest percentage since 1919, so FO, my conscience is translucently clear), this was hard to even enjoy ironically because everyone knows it's the warm-up act for off-season shenanigans. Like everything pre-2021 (and, by the looks of it, after) it'll make sense if it accidentally sets us on course for something better.

I'm against playing all the final round games at the same time (though I wonder if putting games in Ballarat and Tasmania was so they could keep the idea open), but waiting until a few weeks out to fixture them for perceived maximum drama is nearly as bad. When this was put on Friday night they would have hoped for a drama-filled Elimination Final atmosphere, but once we declined the invite they still had the idea of Collingwood planting themselves into the eight and waiting all weekend to be knocked out. Once that passes this was just a waste of human energy.

BT doesn't need a decomposing rubber to do stupid things, misinterpreting the fun fact about defending premiers missing finals since 2000 as being all-time, and not reacting with the slightest surprise that it hadn't happened more since 1897. Matthew Richardson continues to involve himself in this nonsense with good grace and humility, but Luke Hodge sounded like he wanted to batter Taylor with his own microphone before crouching down and whispering "Brian, what are your goals?" 

Who knows if they'd have given Ray (never Razor) Chamberlain a primetime farewell this game if this game did have serious implications. I have no complaints about him because people who get upset about individual umpires are often a little bit weird, but after blowing the lid on the Houston (him again) bump not being worth a free kick, I'm surprised Ray didn't get banished to a suburban reserves game. It was a memorable finish for nothing to do with umpiring decisions, but there was also a spot of wackiness when he thought Billings marked the ball on the line and the goal umpire thought it hit the post but on a night of varying levels of going away present they only reviewed what Ray wanted to see. It helped that the ball wasn't anywhere near the post, so wasting time on any further reviews would have been cruel to everyone involved.

Contrary to Cameron Ling getting upset that there was a tribute to ANB on the banner (what has this guy done to annoy all the crusty veterans?), he departs with more goodwill than anyone else whose trade request has ever been made public before the end of the season. I'd have needed a tear gas blast directly in my eyes to get emotional about this game, but came closest when the cameras focused on him talking to the huddle before the third quarter. Depending on what happens this year I'll still want Jordon or Hogan to win a flag before him, but he goes out right at the top of the list of ex-players I wish well. Even in the best season of his career there was still time for a tribute act to the past when he flubbed a kick that led to us conceding a goal.

I've got so many issues with our forward play that it will need an airing of grievances a'la Frank Costanza at Festivus to get through them all, but I think there's something about Turner. He doesn't need to be the man, but could be a nice compliment to JVR if they can find a third wheel to make contests and/or take contested marks within scoring range. Bet you we recruit a key forward and Turner's the one who ends up back in defence. He's still learning how to get it, but kicks a nice set shot when he does. Remember when he didn't in the two games that may have (but probably not) saved our season, because he was on the bench for three quarters?

We'd successfully sandbagged against a belting, but a five goal lead may as well have been 15 for what it mattered at the time. It left us with one quarter of this cursed season to say goodbye to ANB, avoiding further bumping disasters at all costs, and try to score 50. The sudden arrival of pouring rain would have been about as welcome to players as acid rain, but one side took a cheerful approach to running the season out, while ours looked like they were representing Hussein-era Iraq and would be forced to kick a concrete footy as punishment.

It got to within a few minutes of being over when fork lightning caused a bigger crowd reaction than our recent home games combined. I had to get up at 4.30am so also said "fork lightning", because I wasn't hanging around for play to resume. After a few minutes of officials consulting the rules/ringing the BOM/waiting for players to be nuked by a direct hit, the game was paused with just under 10 minutes to go. Off went players who just wanted to put on silly costumes, sink bulk piss, and possibly belt each other again. Unlike me they had to come back.

The scoreboard said it was due to 'approaching weather', which isn't nearly dramatic enough. Weather is always approaching, that's what it does. Do they think 'due to lightning' is going to set off a deadly stampede amongst people who stayed in their seats for five minutes after the initial hit? This reminds me, to wrap up a storyline from earlier in the season, the MCC never responded to my complaint about closing the top level of the Ponsford Stand (not even to blame it on 'approaching weather') but it's not called The People's Ground for nothing, because they did add my email address to their marketing list. That's not how it's supposed to work.

In recent years we've had one previous stoppage for lightning, and one for lack of lighting. The first time we conceded a shitload of goals after resuming and won, the second time we kicked a shitload of goals after resuming and lost. I expected to wake up and find that we'd taken the worst parts of each and spent the last few minutes conceding at 186 pace amidst soggy misery. It seems to have been played out like a match simulation session, and nobody suffered a critical injury or was reported so zero further harm done. Tholstrup kicked another goal, which is good, and I understand Billings was handed one on a platter and hit the post from 10 metres out, so just a nice, normal way to wind the season up.

And thank god that's all. It's been a weird year and we're not even close to knowing what sort of NQR action has been going on behind the scenes yet. Usually I'd save the thanks for sticking with me for another year until the final thoughts, but that spot is reserved for a bit that is unlikely to translate as well as it sounds in my head. So, before tying up administrative loose ends and turning my focus to all things W, let me say how much I appreciate everyone's support and interest, especially the hardy few who read this deep into posts. For 20 years (!!!) I've been doing this for my own amusement and continue to be staggered that anyone else comes along for the ride. Players, coaches, CEOs and Presidents will come and go, but I'll keep doing this until the club or I cark it. 

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Tom McDonald
4 - Kysaiah Pickett
3 - Max Gawn
2 - Kade Chandler
1 - Christian Salem

Apologies to Billings and Langdon in a blanket finish of people who might have got a vote just to fill the available spots.

Final standings
With everything else sorted out in advance, the last item of business was whether Turner could win the Rising Star outright. He could not, but being half of the first joint winning pair since Hunt/Petracca 2016 was a great effort considering where he started the year.

The all-time leaderboard has been updated. Since Round 1, 2005 there have now been 6705 votes handed out to 139 players. Notable changes this year - rare good news for Oliver as he went past Nathan Jones for the all-time lead (381 votes), there is now a 134 vote gap between Petracca in fifth and Brad Green in sixth, Alex Neal-Bullen doubled his career tally on the way out, and I feel older than the sun seeing Alistair Nicholson and Guy Rigoni on the list.

51 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year, WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
29 - Jack Viney
27 - Steven May (WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
26 - Alex Neal-Bullen
24 - Christian Petracca
22 - Kysaiah Pickett
19 - Ed Langdon
18 - Jake Lever, Trent Rivers
16 - Clayton Oliver, Jacob van Rooyen
15 - Judd McVee
14 - Tom McDonald
7 - Christian Salem
6 - Harrison Petty, Daniel Turner (JOINT WINNER: Rising Star Award), Caleb Windsor (JOINT WINNER: Rising Star Award)
4 - Jack Billings, Kade Chandler, Bayley Fritsch, Tom Sparrow, Adam Tomlinson
3 - Jake Melksham
1 - Jake Bowey, Blake Howes

Ad Chat
James Frawley for McDonalds, asked for his career highlights - "At Melbourne? Not many". Jesus Christ, I know it's the intellectual lightweight segment with Campbell Brown but any chance of faking something up for a segment that's being played BEFORE A MELBOURNE MATCH. Of course, winning a flag at Hawthorn was his greatest moment (thanks to the brave decision to do a runner from the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald to the defending premier) but the question wasn't "what percentage of memories from your time at Melbourne were good?" so pluck something out for fans who could only muster up the barest animosity to you after leaving. 

This throwaway moment unnecessarily made me more upset than the game that followed, but while there's admittedly not a lot to work with that isn't just him trying to hold back an unstoppable tide, here's a brief shortlist:

- Dicking Collingwood on QB 2007 (featuring somebody lobbing a bottle at Russell Robertson as he lined up for #7)
- The mega comeback against Freo in 2008 + a mention of Austin Wonaeamirri so they can show the picture of him celebrating
- Chasing Lewis Jetta like the final of the Olympic 100m in 2010
- Being an All-Australian team in 2010 (now really, how did this not get a mention?) 
- [Fair enough leaving out the Neeld years]
- Another mega comeback against Essendon in 2014

Still better viewing than Petracca acting as a cheerful stepladder to promote toothpaste.

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
As it makes not a cracker of difference to the final result I'll assume the post-lightning Tholstrup one I didn't see was a ripper. Congratulations to Bayley Fritsch for winning the season, with a goal that sits up there in our all-time classics but is less exciting now that you know about the terminal spiral that followed. May next year bring lots of boring goals from 10 metres out directly in front. 

1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong

Next year
In 2007 we followed three finals seasons with a much worse year, and even when all the evidence pointed to a crop of cherished veterans coming towards the end, without nearly enough exciting young players to replace them, I expected to bounce back based on who was returning from injury. Then we lost our first two games by nearly 200 points combined and took off down some weird, dark roads before it all paid off on 25/09/2021. 

We're not in a completely different spot now, except with a little more of the emerging and less of the 'about to irrevocably fall apart'. There's still time to heed the pull up warnings but if we're having the same discussion in 12 months a massive stack could be just around the corner.

Even if everything goes well with Oliver, Petracca etc... there will be room for manoeuvre on the list - Schache and Farris-White having already been chopped, Brayshaw and B. Brown are retired, Neal-Bullen will be traded and Smith departs for 'administrative reasons'. The only other senior player I can see them potentially cashing in on is Salem, which will be famous last words when half the list wants to leave. Then it's down to who survives from the uncontracted players (per this list) - if he's interested Tom McSizzle is a certainty, as well as Moniz-Wakefield and K. Brown, and I don't see the harm in having Hore, Melksham and Tomlinson in reserve for depth. Hunter has survived the initial cull but I can't see how he'll be there next year unless we lose so many senior players that the average age resembles GWS 2012.

Verrall will get re-signed under the 'ruckmen take longer' clause, and even if Kentfield didn't do much in half a season getting rid of him now would be a reminder of skipping over all the experienced mid-season draft options that might have helped us win senior games. Casey fanatics can tell me if there's mitigating circumstances to Sestan averaging less than a goal a game over two Reserves seasons that would prevent him from getting the chop.

Within the next couple of weeks we'll be linked with everyone in the league - but the biggest names so far are Houston, who I still wouldn't pay five cents in foreign currency for if he has to be begged to come, Harry McKay in the most fantastically fictional way, and Tom Lynch for a Ben Brown style squeezing of the last drop. Not the worst idea, but who's he replacing in the forward line we dedicated our season to? Then it's off to the draft where our short and medium term are probably defenders, midfielders, ruckmen and forwards, so no pressure there. Remember when Delist > Trade > Draft used to be the happiest time of the year? This time I'm approaching it in fear.

Final thoughts
And mercifully, in conclusion please welcome the great seer, soothsayer, and sage, Deenac the Magnificent. I hold in my hand an envelope containing the final words on this season, and in his mystical and borderline psychic way, Deenac will ascertain the answer, never having heard the question.

Over to you Deenac:

'It Ends With Us'.

And the answer...

My interest in the 2024 AFL Men's Premiership season.

Standard 'post delayed' notification

There is a post coming, and while I've technically got until about February to publish, I've got to finish it before the AFLW opener or everything will be out of order. The good news is that it's almost certainly going to set a record for the longest post with the least discussion of the game itself. Hopefully it's up by Tuesday night. And if you don't like that, may your life support machine be powered by Harrison Petty goals.   

Keep an eye on Twitter or Facebook for a link. Send any thoughts on the game via the usual channels and I'll incorporate/shamelessly steal them.

Stone gold

Last week's post took me so long to write that it was able to cover the early stages of the Petracca Affair, but after finally publishing and returning to normal life I didn't expect any more bad news until the teams came out on Thursday. It only took about 60 minutes for the next stitch up, with the latest leak from an increasingly porous club revealing that ANB had requested a trade to SA for FR. No way the club intended for this news to come out in the media, but it seems appropriate in a season where we've had more dramatic storylines than several of the #fistedforever years combined.  

I'll miss baffling outsiders and casual readers by calling him the Bullet, but cannot/will not argue about him going home for family reasons after a decade of service. It's none of my business why he needs to go, but it's obviously not so he can see his nephew's school play so I don't know how anyone could be upset about it. Unless you're Kane Cornes and hold him at fault for not factoring complex personal situations into last year's contract negotiations. And anybody who is genuinely angry is probably the same sort offering to drive him to the airport a few years ago, so I think most of us wish him well in any game not against us. Should be an interesting reunion at Adelaide with the guy who he bounced off the ground like a basketball in 2020.

The rest of the week was spent with the rest of the league picking over the bones of our premiership team like an episode of Antiques Roadshow. Collingwood stuck their nose into the Petracca issue to the point where I reckon they're deliberately keeping the story alive Russian Twitter bot style to stir up discontent and try to recruit him. Meanwhile, North publicly did everything but offer Jack Viney a contract, and Clayton Oliver was being traded to everyone from Geelong to Woodville-West Torrens. Clay Clay ended the week in metaphorical traction, packed away with a litany of injuries and our best wishes for a happy and healthy break.

Last week's suggestion that things had gone by a bit Thick Of It was nearly the cue for Malcolm Tucker to turn up and declare the place an omnishambles. Even Paul Gardner got a run on the news, and was still referred to as 'former Melbourne president' in an unrelated story about a derelict building burning down, which must have reminded him of his time at our helm. All we needed was another pissweak expose from the Glenn Bartlett scrapbook and to have our dignity stripped by a team nobody gives a rats about, and it would have been a perfect Melbourne week.

I know that trade speculation in the media is usually just some combination of agents, clubs, and journalists conspiring to feather their own nest, but the least concerning story of the week was that Dan Houston is allegedly spooked about joining us due to the current turmoil. If true, then send him a plate of fishheads and a note reading "far cough", then go looking for people who want to be the difference maker. On the other hand, he will be fresh after several weeks off for vigorously stopping the Rankin' Wankin' phenomenon.

When the season still had a squeeze of life left I thought we'd benefit from a return to siege mentality, but thought we might have the reverse effect after several days of having our corpse kicked from every angle. Still not sure we needed to be so conservative with selection after the season died, but I feel a lot better about not wheeling the fringe players in after winning by nine goals. There's an alternative reality where we pull the shutters down, play an 'experimental' team and are none-the-wiser about what could have been. I'll take it, especially when our VFL team let the Suns kick 27 goals.

In a year where we've been accused of everything except people smuggling, our commitment to playing it out in the right spirit should earn us some sort of rebate on the fine for tanking in 2009. Still, picking our best available team left open the nightmare scenario of still being ruthlessly humped, then getting home to find Oliver and Petracca both gone, and the club being set back years like 186 all over again. We got away with it, and hopefully it's the Kumbaya moment everyone needs to come together and prepare for a substantial crack at next year. 

There's still no rest for Gawn and his giftwrapped leg, and that's clearly how he likes it. I'll take their word that playing out the season won't cause his bones to grind into dust before December 31. Hopefully his mystery contract extension happened after he walked into the rooms full of joy after leading his team to victory and demanded to be re-signed immediately. Maybe he signed it in the blood from his forehead? We're not going to get the desired Hollywood ending, but if this year is made into a TV series (and please, if you're into TV or movies please contact me for quality footy related ideas) that would be a great shot to end the season. 

Whatever the merits of playing safe were vs doing weird shit, we got a good result that I'm not going to argue about. I felt differently pre-game while waiting for something gruesome to happen. I've got sympathy for people who do club social media and have to put up with unreasonable dickheads addressing them like they're talking directly to the CEO, but still thought it was a bit risky including the word 'slop' in anything after the run we've had. They love avant-garde match preview graphics, and this one turned out a lot better than when a giant ice cream drifted away from the shore because Jake Bowey had seized its anchor. 

Nobody went into this game with great enthusiasm, and Kayo wouldn't have seen viewing figures this low since the World Excel Championships, but the good news is that when you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always play Gold Coast. After 11 straight wins against them ranging from the sublime (the game that started it all in 2021) to the ridiculous (the 2019 heist), I thought this was where the fun was going to end. This didn't take into account the Suns bursting into flames at the end of every season, and their traditional turning of a promising start into dust came just in time to give us a win that meant sod all in the context of the season, but was fun in isolation. Everyone involved got to write off several shit weeks with a positive performance and I'm happy for them. And may any critics who don't identify as Melbourne fans catch a sexually transmitted disease in the ear.

As for the Suns, I'm sure hiring Damien Hardwick will be a positive (and he got a nice apartment out of it), but their end of season flake outs make Essendon and Port Adelaide look stable. They'll never do better than turning 3-1 into 3-19 and a priority pick in 2019, but as you may have learned from the 900 times it was mentioned on commentary, they've still never won more than 10 games in a season. They're probably still blaming being a comically fragile side on having to pick a snake off the training shed roof a decade ago, but continue to disappoint after being announced as arriving more times than the Orient Express. My heart struggles to ache for them, but the sooner they push the other Victorian teams out of finals the better, because if I don't get to be happy nobody I know should be either.

Remember a few weeks ago when people were frothing over the closest finals battle in years? That didn't last, and on a day of season-defining games this a curtain raiser between two deflated balloons was like when you couldn't watch The Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels until Funaki and Val Venis finished. Which suited me, I'd rather hatewatch my own club in decline than see premiership contenders do anything.

It took 23 weeks for me to realise, but Carrara has been rebranded as 'People First Stadium'. Regrettably, that's an obscure bank and not, as the name suggests, a shadowy sex cult or fringe political party. If you're thinking about transferring your life savings, their website is full of stock images, except for one unnecessarily zoomed-in shot of Footscray players and coach looking uncomfortable.

Appropriately for a game I didn't really want to watch, you couldn't see half of it. The shadows covering the camera-side wing provided the best opportunity yet for somebody to do a Colonel Mustard and finish their opponent off with a lead pipe. Or as Brayden Maynard would put it, "a plumbing accident". There was a bit of murder in the dark later, but at first the bright, sunshiney bits shone a literal light on the locals doing pretty much as they liked. Once we'd conceded the two goals on either side of attacking play that would have been laughed at in the 19th century, I was sure the trailing side would suffer a fate more like Fremantle V2 than Fremantle V1. It landed somewhere in the middle, where we caught up and won comfortably but without raining biblical fire on the opposition until they begged for mercy. 

When it looked like we were up for another four quarters of offensive offence I was ready to march down Brunton Avenue in protest over two knees in the grave Ben Brown kicking as many goals in a thumping Reserves loss as Harrison Petty in 18 senior games. I know you can't take everything that happens in the VFL seriously (ask Kynan Brown, still waiting for his 21 tackle game to be acknowledged) but regardless of the positive steps in the main game, I still think that if he's fit enough to play in the seconds, then somebody with years of forward experience might have come in handy while the season was still on the line. 

Sick fantasies of Brown hanging out on the list as a 'just in case' option next year were dashed when he retired, citing physical breakdown. There's no doubting the character of a man who cites helping to coach an AFLW premiership on the same level as winning one himself during the retirement speech, and if 45 games/73 goals over four seasons looks like a better-than-average bit-part contribution on paper, his contribution to the greatest night in human history can never been diminished. I think about that game several times a day, and one of the big 'what ifs' is how I'd have gone if we'd come back from the dead, unloaded the Mad Minute, then imploded in the final quarter. Not saying I'd have ended up floating in the river, but you may recall the random stress-related nosebleed at half time and assume medical attention would have been required. When he kicked the first goal the Dogs players went "oh shit" and you know the rest. If they do a presentation to the departing 2021 Grand Final heroes on Friday night I hope Lachie Hunter and Josh Schache are included.

Now that it's too late for BBB and his mega-run up to save us, I'm happy to acknowledge that after suffering various degrees of malignment this year, the van Rooyen/Turner/Petty combination had their most productive afternoon yet. I just hope it's not the ultimate pyrrhic victory where the club thinks they've finally cracked the formula and run a red line through any tall forward recruiting targets. They all had their moments while kicking a combined 10 goals but let's keep a little in reserve considering the opposition visibly lost their will to live by the final siren.

van Rooyen kicked goals is good, but the idea of playing him as second ruck all next year offends me greatly. People who take interest in other clubs, is there a realistic trade target who can competently play forward and fill in for Gawn as required (including for long stretches if he's injured again)? I didn't like seeing JVR getting torpedoed at a centre bounce by Jarrod Witts and would prefer that he's left to develop as a human snag machine instead of playing emergency understudy to Gawn. Probably not Peter Wright, but somebody like him. In this scenario Petty goes back, but if they're really sold that he's going to find goalkicking form then I'd rather he do the 5% fill-in job so we get the odd moment of "I told you so" vindication as he rolls back into defence to take a solid mark. Either way, I'd feel a lot more comfortable if there was an experienced ruckman parked on our list somewhere who can play bulk games if Gawn is unavailable. And apologies to POTF but this time make sure the product works as intended before purchase.

van Rooyen is the future franchise player/heartbreaking home state returnee, but for the second time this year Daniel Turner looked capable of doing serious damage in the future. His three goals against Richmond had the element of surprise (and as it turns out, the advantage of playing against wooden spoon opposition), and after flapping around a bit in the middle of the year he looked to be on the rise again against Essendon before we wasted everyone's time by making him the sub for a couple of weeks. Against Port he looked about as threatening as everyone else, but this was a very good performance. He missed his first set shot, but just taking a mark inside 50 is an achievement for us this season. Then he kicked two, set van Rooyen up for another, and I'm comfortable that the science is settled and his place is forward. Send the other one literally back to where he played a key role in a flag and proceed directly towards next year.

It didn't feel totally mad that we were in front, until then it had only been failure to convert that set the sides apart. The third goal came after the always popular Jack Viney Shoulder Injury False Alarm, back after a few weeks off. For the third or fourth time this year he looked to have lost the use of one arm, only to bounce back seconds later like nothing was wrong. He should introduce a Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon element and smash it back in on a goalpost.

After a week of speculation that he's going to run out the clock with North Melbourne as their Daniel Cross-style placeholder mega-professional, Viney had his best game all year. This time there was both manic collection of ball and effective disposal, against players including the guy that eats grass. There was concern that he didn't do a passionate Wolf Of Wall Street "I'm staying" speech when asked if after the match if he was staying, but this is a guy who once responded to winning a best on ground award by talking about Australia being grouse is so I don't need him to talk me into believing. I prefer the past evidence when there were rumours about him going to Geelong shortly before signing a contract extension. And we're going to be hornswoggled into delivering one last big deal for somebody who may burst at any moment I'm happy for it to be someone who has given his all for years, in often rotten circumstances. Besides, we might have a bit of money to throw around after this season so consider it a superannuation payout.

Considering how dire things had looked early, we'd done very well to ride the Disco Revolution back into the game. So the obvious reaction to this was cracking like an egg in the dying seconds and letting a player kick his first goal of the season after the siren. Even after already mentally checking out before the game started, this gave me the shits. Fortunately it was only a blip, and even if the Suns hung around like swirling nuggets for another two quarters they never seriously looked like winning again.

For a game so obscure that Fox Footy probably taped over the master copy with an episode of Bounce, there was a significant highlight at the start of the second quarter. Finally, after 18.25 games Petty pulled down a contested mark against multiple opponents in front of goal. I was legitimately happy for him, but also worried that this might somehow vindicate a season where he came in averaging one goal every three games. This time he got three in one game, surely becoming the first key position forward in the history to double his season tally in game 18.

We conceded a goal to a mystifying ruck free, then had Gawn go off with what looked like a prison tattoo of a particularly objectionable political symbol on his forehead. Dermott Brereton used the opportunity to talk about professional wrestlers cutting their own heads, but lacked the subject expertise to crack an Abdullah The Butcher reference (tw: enormous man boobs) that sickos like me would have loved. Also on the call, chief commentary dingbat Dwayne Russell promoting the idea of wildcard games. There's something wrong when David King has to be the voice of reason, but of course Mr. Spectacle wants artificial excitement pumped into games, even if it turns the league into the adult equivalent of every child getting a medal. Let's hear more about livening the game up from people calling the game out of a South Melbourne studio.       

Things really started going our way when Viney goalled straight over the hat of a goal umpire wearing sunglasses and a giant moustache that made it look like he was in disguise. If you're thinking of entering the witness protection program there are worse places to hide than our forward line. The bad news for Donnie Brasco was that we kept him surprisingly busy, including another goal to Langdon soon after. He is one of the few players who got better as the season got worse, and this was another solid afternoon of legging it up and down the wing. The only problem with his goal was that it caused Gold Coast to instantly respond with two, costing us the lead again.      

I've got NFI why we carted Melksham halfway up the country just to make him sub again, but he got to play most of the game after Sparrow hurt his foot. It looked innocuous, and even though he was on crutches at the end we haven't had any tragic announcements about amputation so hopefully he gets a week head-start on Mad Monday and can start pre-season on time. I'm not happy that it took this to get Melk on the ground, but he was again very helpful to our structure. As he didn't get a two-for-one going away party with Brown I hope it means another season. He might not play every week, and the situation has 'mid-season retirement' written all over it, but we'd be nuts to chop him if he's willing.

Last week's Mac Andrew extravaganza helped us reflect on a) how we were rorted out of drafting him, and b) why it's 10x funnier when Essendon lose after the siren, but he showed due respect to the club that did so much for him (with whatever Next Gen acadamies do) by offering close to bugger all here. Despite the comedown from last week's heroics I'm sure his career will pan out well, and there was a moment where he leapt over Gawn at a centre bounce contest like an Atlantic Salmon that made you wonder what a post-Maximum future would have looked like with him and Jackson. I reserve the right to be bitter about losing him on a draft whim, but that's still no excuse to be risking van Rooyen as a second ruckman when we've had multiple chances to find somebody qualified for the job.

We had a bit of good luck later in the quarter when somebody called Jed kicked into the mark from 15 metres out. How in 2024 are there two people called 'Jed' in Australia, let alone on AFL lists. With our recent history of charitably keeping teams in games I was still watching the clock and waiting for things to turn sour, especially on the warmest day of the season, against a team who usually win at home and lose everywhere else. Lucky they turned things around last week and were free to return to traditional Gold Coast values of falling to bits late in the season. Our fixture requests for next year should be no Saturday night home games against interstate teams and playing the Suns home and away in the last two rounds.

Old Jed had another go late in the quarter, but just when they'd have had two goals in a row and all the momentum going into half time his second effort was just as bad. Instead, they became the first team this year to let Petty kick multiple goals, and we were six points up with a better score than in four quarters the week before. I still wouldn't have believed it was enough, but even all sorts of advantages the Suns rolled over so quickly that they should change branding from lifesaving flag to white flag. It helped that they gifted us the first goal with a calamitous attempt at running the ball from defence, but when two followed soon after you could have been excused for thinking this was going to be easy. 

It was, but not just yet. They got the only other goal before three quarter time, and you could easily imagine us tiring and blowing a 17 point lead. Less easy to imagine, a romping seven goal to one final term, as Gold Coast brought all the effort and enthusiasm as the time they were made to fly to Melbourne on a few hours' notice and be thrashed in front of an empty stadium. The highlight was Judd McVee's first career goal, saving him from the list of most games without one, and landing him equal seventh for longest streak before saluting. He is a lot of fun, and regardless of who else does a bunk in strange circumstances I'm hoping he'll be around for years to come.

With Gold Coast begging for the sweet release of death, the rest of the game was morally junk time for everyone but Melbourne fans. A nine goal win was unexpectedly savage, and even adjusted for the opposition packing up at three quarter time I'm not even remotely angry that our highest score of the season came just as it was officially over. With some of the bin juice that's been served up recently, and off-field drama likely to ruin summer, I was happy to take any sort of comfortable win.       

For whatever reason there was a big group photo at the end. Maybe for Neal-Bullen to take with him just in case nobody's in the mood next week due to a return to blood-dripping butchery. Mr Wildcard Spectacle tried to claim it was 'the whole list', as if it was some proof of life picture for the critics, even without some of the keyest players present. Charlie Spargo was there again, still hobbling on crutches while dressed like Raygun, but demonstrating admirable commitment to the cause just by being there. I sense even without seeking outrage that people were crying about this, but even though 2024 has been a miserable experience I don't begrudge players a moment of joy before returning to Miseryville.

You can argue the merits of playing kids (yes), maximising the draft haul (nah), or losing to try and get an easier fixture next year (fuck off), but this was a good result for me. On Saturday morning I was one step from going to the Calmwood Mental Hospital like Ned Flanders, so a bit of pressure-free footy fun staved off insanity for a bit longer. It's been as grim a season as you can get while still winning nearly half the time, but even if this proves to be worth nothing in the grand scheme of things I'm glad it happened.  

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jack Viney
4 - Ed Langdon
3 - Daniel Turner
2 - Alex Neal-Bullen
1 - Max Gawn

Apologies to Petty, Howes, Rivers, Salem and others.

Leaderboard
The main event was already over, and this week confirmed Steven May as our Defender of the Year in absentia. That leaves one award to fill, and with a late surge from Turner the four games or less eligibility criteria for the Rising Star has finally come into play. He can now do no worse than share the title with Windsor (and Howes if he gets five and Turner fails to score) or preferably win it outright by doing something wild next week. Otherwise it's good and bad news for ANB, who continues to score votes on his way out but has been overtaken by Viney in the race for a podium finish.

48 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year, WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
29 - Jack Viney
27 - Steven May (WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
26 - Alex Neal-Bullen
24 - Christian Petracca
19 - Ed Langdon
18 - Jake Lever, Kysaiah Pickett, Trent Rivers
16 - Clayton Oliver, Jacob van Rooyen
15 - Judd McVee
9 - Tom McDonald
6 - Harrison Petty, Christian Salem, Daniel Turner (JOINT LEADER: Rising Star Award), Caleb Windsor (JOINT LEADER: Rising Star Award)
4 - Jack Billings, Bayley Fritsch, Tom Sparrow, Adam Tomlinson
3 - Jake Melksham
2 - Kade Chandler
1 - Jake Bowey, Blake Howes

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
The Petty one that swung wildly on the breeze provided an appealing visual spectacle, but how could you go beyond Viney from the boundary line? No change to the leaderboard, even if I can't remember what #2 or #3 looked like.

1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong

Next week
Thank god it's nearly over, but not before having to spend the whole week pretending that knocking Collingwood out of the finals somehow vindicates our failed season. Results elsewhere mean they're practically dead anyway, but they're an outside chance of making it if they win, Carlton lose to St Kilda, and there's about a 200 point combined margin. Unlikely but not impossible, and now we've got to put up with a week of the world's least self-aware people speculating about unleashing a world record margin on us.

It didn't need to be this way, when the Pies were practically dead against Brisbane we were set for a night where fans of both persuasions could gather to find common ground over failed premiership defences. Then the Lions went full flange, only for an injury-riddled Carlton to play the unlikely hero and stick the boots into a West Coast side who are finished showing of promise and just want the season to end.

Sadly there's still enough in this to vindicate the AFL and Channel 7 setting us up as sacrificial lambs to get Collingwood in the eight at the start of the round and profit from everyone trying to knock them out. It'll be funny if we knock them out - or they win by such a derisory margin that it will need Ross Lyon to unleash the insane attack plan he's had hidden for 20 years - but that's not consistent with years of desperately trying to be Collingwood's rivals and usually coming out looking like clowns. I'll play along by gently winding back on my 'pick randos' demands, but otherwise decline to participate in overt big loser energy style excitement about putting them out while our future is still questionable.

Unfortunately for Ben Brown, the belated arrival of our tall forwards means he won't get a farewell game. I'd say just pick him anyway and who cares, but I know that's not going to happen. They're more likely to drop Tomlinson and unnecessarily rush May back. Shane McAdam kicked four and is more chance of being there next year, but if we're going to pick a forward out of thin air I'll blow up if he's chosen in front of a premiership hero. Instead, may all your Brown requirements be provided by Kynan, who should get a chance at starting once in his first season. Otherwise, AMW seems to have done well in Casey's last disappointing loss of the year so I'll have him as well. Out with the crocked Sparrow is Billings because no matter how good his stats were we've got no need for him in a game with bugger all on the line. Chandler goes too because he's been there all year and hasn't done a lot wrong but we can do without him for a week.

Anyway, here's to ending a flat season in an amusing way instead of copping one final knee to the knackers on the way out.

IN: K. Brown, Moniz-Wakefield, Melksham (starts)
OUT: Billings (omit), Sparrow (inj)
LUCKY: Nil
UNLUCKY: B. Brown, Laurie, Woewodin

AFLW Watch
I half-watched the practice game against Port Adelaide, but couldn't focus closely enough to even convincingly fake a review. We lost, which is fine because it's pre-season and surely teams aren't yet at the point of regularly kicking 114 point aggregate scores in the real games, but I'm still expecting us to come back to the pack this year. We've lost a lot of experience (and Liv Purcell has a broken face, which can't be good), but my main concern is that the rest of the competition is catching up. Good for football, bad for teams that have been up for the best part of eight seasons. The tone will be set with a brutal start against all the top sides, but we've survived that sort of rigged fixturing before so there's still everything to play for. Full coverage of the season proper (with bonus guest reporters if I run out of juice) on these pages.

Final thoughts
I've got a shortlist of post headline ideas and this one has been at the top of it for years, so I'm glad it finally got a run because all the other gold related puns had been done. Sadly, you may never see some of the other rippers on the list because they need an unlikely combination of opposition, result, venue, day of week, weather etc... to be valid, but I assure you they're piss funny.

Port Power d. no power

Before we get into this game, and that part won't take long, I'd like to acknowledge losing this practical dead rubber by about 10 goals less than expected. We even nearly won via submission, but as the NASA Supercomputer was required to calculate our finals chances either way, it was the most sedate reaction I'll ever have to losing a thriller. There wasn't even the old 'it's the hope that kills you' disappointment, and if anything it was quite a good effort after losing two players to the green apple splatters and playing in front of a '90s night' crowd figure that looked like it started with '90'. 

That's all nice, but you get what you deserve scoring 51 in anything less than hurricane conditions. We can't comfort ourselves with Craig McRae style "it was everyone else's fault" theories, nearly getting away with it isn't enough and you just will not win games with ssackcores like that. I nearly got RSI scrolling to find the last time we pulled off a similar heist, and was ready with the exclusions and disclaimers for 2020 before finding out what we'd done better in each of our wins that year. You've got to go back to 1971, at Waverley, when a Norm Smith-led South Melbourne stunk the joint up with 2.6.18. That day featured slush, and only a few thousand less fans dotted amongst cavernously empty stands. Even the match reporter lost interest in submitted dot points, and 53 years on I know how he felt. 

I'm not into rorting draft picks or trying to manoeuvre ourselves into a better fixture next year, so would have been quite happy to win. It would have validated playing Gawn with a mattress strapped to his ankle and making team selections so bland they should have been submitted on beige paper. And even if I'm more concerned about crop rotation in the 14th century than this result, holding a side that scored 70+ unanswered points last week to less than that across four quarters is worth something. I'm sad that we didn't go for a respectable score, but the return of 'boring but functional' Melbourne was a big change from several weeks of being pushed aside like cardboard cutouts. Spoiler alert - despite this none of the defenders get votes.

At the same time, I'm calling our selection bullshit. Fair enough Tomlinson, back for another brief run before being turfed back to the suburban leagues, because he's a perfectly functional defender who should go somewhere and play every week if he's got any ambition. But what, at this death row stage of the season, was the point in picking Marty Hore? I'm all for keeping him for depth next year, but playing here seemed unnecessary to the untrained eye. He did nothing wrong in a backline that held the opposition to a low score and was let down by a lack of scoring at the other end (*cries in Steven May*), but what was the point going hard on experience at one end of the ground when we were in full headless chicken mode at the other?

You won't be surprised that I could have also done without Billings, who was recalled when Bowey and Woewodin started shitting through the eye of a needle. I know they had to pretend we were still a live finals chance, but this was like when the Christmas Eve news tracks Santa's sleigh. And Salem was the least of our problems, but charging him back into the side when still shown as 1-2 weeks on the midweek injury report just in case we blew our big comeback was odd. And if you were a fringe player hoping to press their claim for the rest of the year.... stiff shit, Casey had the bye.

Our midfield is running on fumes, but as usual I'm saving all my Australian breakdancing team style vitriol for the forwards. Not personally, not really even as a unit, but just as a concept including players, coaches, and anybody else who's had a hand in us going backwards in the 12 months (+?) where it's been obvious that attack was our Achilles heel. After defaming his forward play all season I appreciated Petty's play up the ground, but like everyone else he turned into Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man when entering the 50. In the marking hierarchy, I still prefer simple contested marks on the wing to massive screamers that don't go anywhere, but will happily trade either for any sort of grab, arms in or out, in front of goal.

Because I had no expectation of winning, even when in front during the last quarter, it was painful watching anyone without the surname Pickett trying to craft an attack. Charlie Spargo was sitting on the bench holding crutches while dressed like a teenage skateboard hooligan and it's hard to see how he'd have been less effective. Fritsch may as well have chucked a sickie, JVR is cooked after a season of trying to do everything on his own, Turner played like somebody who has spent a fortnight with thumb inserted on the bench, and none of Chandler's best work involved scoring. Meanwhile, Melksham is the most experienced of the lot and was relegated to the bench after a crap game last week. Imagine being the one forward on the Melbourne list who gets the boot after an off day, you'd be delivering Petracca-esque feedback in the review. Result - narrow defeat with our equal second lowest score of the season. 

Due to this season dragging along at glacial pace I barely remember what happened when we beat them at the start of the year. Windsor kicked a nice goal, it was close, some mutants yelled at players over the fence. No doubt much comedy was had at Port being sponsored by GFG. Now many think those first and last letters stand for 'Get' and 'Goodwin'. I'm still clinging to him being a victim of circumstance so I can try approaching 2025 with some hope. I've enjoyed occasionally driving teams crazy over the years but am ready to tip tables if we're still trying to win games like this next year. You can't produce key forwards from thin air, but there's got to be untried alternatives.

There might have been something left for us this season if we won by 232 points, but as we're currently struggling to score that much in a month this fiasco wasn't worth emotionally investing in. Many fans shared that view and collectively decided they had something better to do. Can't blame them, I did my bit for lost causes at the Giants game and might have gone to this if it was played in a 5km radius of my house but on this particular night... no. I've done the hard yards (refer archives), and will not be shamed about turning this golden opportunity down after missing out on plenty of quality wins over the last few years.

Who knows if 90s Week convinced anyone to show up (especially when it was constantly with our 1980s logo), but the only reason there was a slight bump on the GWS crowd was because Port have fans. Not many though, and their handful + our handful = another cavernously empty MCG as a gift to neutrals who think they're funny. Everybody wins when Channel 7 refuse to let us play on Saturday night next year.

While I barely have enough respect for this game to acknowledge its existence (and one of the remaining games could easily get the Round 21, 2009 treatment), the competitive margin meant we had multiple good players for the first time in weeks. Not enough, but given some of my struggles to fill the votes recently I'll take it. The leader of the pack, in all senses, was again Max Gawn. He should have already been on long service leave instead of trying to find life where there was none, but tried his heart out to make something happen. Jack Viney could also do with a rest after years of lobbing himself into contests like a madman, and after weeks of his disposals flying off in random direction he should be acknowledged for having a massive go at keeping a sinking ship afloat. And then there's Pickett, who I don't want to rest because we might score 1.6.12 without him.

I won't say this game went exactly as expected because we didn't concede six goals in the first eight minutes, but if you'd told me we'd have the better of the early stages with the ball regularly at our end I'd have guessed we'd lose somehow. Port's backline is ripe for plundering, and they'll probably go on to lose a Preliminary Final by 76 points, but they got a glorified training session here. If we'd won any of them would have been justified tipping a table and calling their teammates names, but that was sadly not required because we did everything humanely possible to avoid kicking a winning score. 

Even when we did get a set shot ANB (now completely forgotten by the media after three weeks of recognising him early in the year) shanked it like he'd been drinking from Tyson Stengle's water bottle. One of our seven measly goals came because Todd played 'rushed behind lottery' and hit it over the wrong side, and it really was painful viewing. I appreciate the holding back of tide that looked impossible against teams starting with F, and am desperate to look back at it in 12 months as a turning point, not a far from heroic last stand. 

When our early attack fizzed out to nothing and Port responded by going *fwang* in the other direction I'd have bet heavily on another death by uncontrollable run of goals. But we stayed very close, even occasionally in front. I'm not rude enough to say 'too little', but certainly 'too late'.

For about 48 hours the highlight of the evening was the return to club life of Christian Petracca, but apparently he didn't think much of grim defensive sludge either:

Melbourne superstar is disgruntled and unhappy with the club's direction, despite having five years to run on a lucrative deal. @tommorris32 #9News pic.twitter.com/onma3EOAqK

— 9News Melbourne (@9NewsMelb) August 12, 2024

I'm also concerned about the direction we're heading (e.g. down) so we've got that in common. It's a bit weird how they need to point out that he hasn't got an issue with the coach but can't even give a hint about what the actual cracking of shits is about. The obvious guess is that it's related to the time we nearly did an insurance job on him but who knows how serious this is. At the risk of treating footy like an episode of The Thick Of It, I'll bet he conveniently turned up at a game just before this story broke because they knew it was coming. What I don't understand is how he apparently can't demand a trade while under long term contract, as if we haven't spent the last two months talking about trading Oliver and his long term contract.

Bad news for dickheads neutrals and amateur list managers who think we'll trade him for magic beans, but I'm confident he's not going anywhere. The first person he should be giving a spray to is whoever convinced him to star in that truly dreadful Colgate ad where he cheerfully acts as Isaac Heeney's step ladder while we're told smiling is good for you, before they fall to the ground and bask in the afterglow together. I'll play along with the idea that he's an enthusiastic Cash Converters visitor, but this ad makes Jack Watts for Energy Watch look like Godfather II. Ironically, after all that, he's not smiling at all now.

Another person not having a whale of a time, Clayton Clarry Clayts Oliver. If you'd applied the above disgruntlement to him I'd have believed it hook, line, and sinker. He's had difficult year on and off-field and it's showing. The idea that being paid mega wonga should be enough to keep him happy flies in the face of about 100 years of evidence about famous people, so I'm not here to say he should take Colgate's advice and grin the pain away if dead inside, but this was a bit of a disaster. Maybe they don't want to pack him up early for reasons, but sending him to be casually run around at half-back wasn't the answer. When they tried this earlier in the year I thought it failed because he had one functioning hand, now he seemed to have zero functioning life force, got slaughtered by opponents and broadcasters alike, then took a mystery phone call on the bench with all the enthusiasm of talking to a telemarketer. Send him on holiday now with Gawn as bodyguard and I'm sure it will end in hilarious road stories rather than tragedy.

I can handle a player struggling, especially when they've got a marvellous history behind them, but had to nervously tug at the collar when Oliver went down like a sack after a regulation jostle to the chest (Update - if these rib injuries were before or during this event Clayton can please review my post history and see how much I love him before suing thanks). It would have been easier to take his side if he hadn't plummeted in similar circumstances several times over the years. If he's got a sensitive torso I feel like it would've stopped him playing a hundred-ish consecutive games. Later he got a free and Channel 7 helpfully left the microphone on as somebody improbably called 'Willem' proved that the dissent rule doesn't exist anymore, then said "Clarry, you know that's shithouse" as if he was expecting Oliver to issue a gentlemanly rejection of the free.

Under the circumstances it would have been hilarious if we'd won but live by the sword etc... I was mostly paying attention but the second half is a blur. I remember a lot of rotten kicks landing in the unchallenged hands of defenders, and van Rooyen gradually becoming more frustrated until he was subbed and looked about to go Sizzle vs Footscray. Suggestion - let the kid play his role for four quarters without being dragged hither and yon because you flubbed recruiting a second ruck.

For the first time in league history most of the highlights involved video review. Early on McDonald marked the ball at the very last moment before it crossed the line, then there was a really weird one at the end that Port would have blown up about if beaten. The ball was stopped from going through for a point, but just as we were turning this stroke of luck into a kick straight to the opposition 30 metres out the goal umpire called for a review to check his hunch that it hadn't scored in the first place. 

I assume if he was right they'd have just paid the mark and moved on, but the replay showed a behind and instead of defending a near certain kick on goal late in the fourth quarter we were free to go resume playing like a village team with 10 men at the back trying to hold Liverpool to a nil-all draw. It might have turned out better for us if they got the goal. I mean, we might have responded with a goal of our own from the middle. Stranger things have happened. Instead, the point that put them ahead was enough (+1 to remove the chance of a draw where nobody would have demanded extra time) because we didn't score again.

We've had as many losses by under a goal in this home and away season as last, but the difference is four wins by that method in 2023 vs one this year, against a side most recently seen losing to three goals in a minute against West Coast. For all the shit poured on last season it feels like a glory era when you think we only lost one game by over 20 points. And 2022 felt like a bit of toil at the time and has been wiped from history because of the tits up finals performances but on paper that was Melbourne 1956 compared to what was going on here. 

As the result didn't have the slightest impact on our season or my life, I was free to be over it by the time the game ended. Which was about 15 seconds after I stopped watching. Then, after a night moaning about why we didn't have anyone who could take an overhead mark in the forward line, I turned onto the Gold Coast/Essendon game just in time to see the guy who was thieved from us by temporary draft rule changes not only taking the mark, but winning the game after the siren with his fourth goal. Chances are if we'd drafted him it'd still be Mac Time in the VFL every week, but as funny as it to be dragging the Bombers down with us this year, seeing that after a night of horrible forward entries felt like a massive pisstake. 

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Kysaiah Pickett
3 - Jack Viney
--- Multiple galaxies of daylight ---
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Alex Neal-Bullen

Apologies to Chandler, McVee and Salem

Leaderboard
Congratulations to Max on being confirmed outright winner of the Jakovich, I'm just sorry it had to happen under such lame circumstances. And though he may be nursing wrecked ribs, Steven May just needs to make sure his old mate Lever doesn't finish the year with back-to-back BOGs. Windsor is still holding on in the Rising Star, but is still vulnerable to somebody fixing him up in the dying moments. Just like Melbourne.

47 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year, WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
27 - Steven May (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
24 - Alex Neal-Bullen, Christian Petracca, Jack Viney
18 - Jake Lever, Kysaiah Pickett, Trent Rivers
16 - Clayton Oliver, Jacob van Rooyen
15 - Ed Langdon, Judd McVee
9 - Tom McDonald
6 - Harrison Petty, Christian Salem, Caleb Windsor (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
4 - Jack Billings, Bayley Fritsch, Tom Sparrow, Adam Tomlinson
3 - Jake Melksham, Daniel Turner
2 - Kade Chandler
1 - Jake Bowey, Blake Howes

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
We're into an interactive experience so pick your own. 

1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong

Next week
I've never been less enthused about suggesting changes because you know even if we do something half mad it won't be the half you want. Pick somebody, drop somebody, play somebody with gastro and see if what leaks from them is more or less offensive than our overall performance. We'll show up with the same side, expect another low-scoring slopfest and Gold Coast will win by enough that it multiplies with the Petracca story and causes people to go right off their tits. 

IN: It 
OUT: doesn't
LUCKY: matter
UNLUCKY: anymore, Fullarton.

Final thoughts
I am no longer thinking about finals. Here's to them all happening interstate and the Grand Final being sold to Panama. 

It's been emotional

It's been a big week for zero. First a reset for the 'days since Collingwood did racism' counter, then our chances of playing finals. And with the season theoretically on the line, our score for much of the first quarter. You knew it was over, I knew it was over, and apparently players from both sides did too. Cue a sad repeat of the second Fremantle game, where we looked horrendously overmatched, unlikely to reach double figures, and probably only saved from a Grand Canyon-sized hole by opposition flustered at how easy they were having it. Next time anyone talks about a Wildcard Round (*spit* *vom*) consider the ludicrous situation of us still being in the running for something resembling a final after this.

The nature of the defeat is important, but whether it was by 1, 50 or 250 points any loss finished a season that has been 50% really weird and 50% coma-inducingly dull. There are obscure scenarios where we could still make finals, but even as Australia's top Bradbury Plan fanatic I'm resigned to our fate. Pack away anybody with half an injury, wheel out various elements of the 17th place Casey side that probably just lost to Yackandandah, and spend the summer convincing yourself that we've still got one big swing left in us next year.

Is there a "So You've Ruined Your Life" style pamphlet on how we're supposed to deal with a season gently fading away like this? All my experience of post-finals descent is of the catastrophic explosion variety. 1992, 1999, 2001, 2003, 2007, and 2019 were all shit in their own way, but had gone out in "Dr. Nietschke is here to see you" fashion well before the last month. My emotional investment in Hollywood miracle endings carried me well beyond the point where it was obvious this one was going nowhere, and we've finally landed in the geographical centre of nowhere. To paraphrase Dave Chappelle, what can I about our season that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan - it looks bombed out and depleted.

I'm unusually accepting of where we're at and willing to buy into bouncing back next year, but sadly this one has to finish first. The opening 15 minutes of this game was an unconditional surrender and it only got marginally better. I'm getting used to losing again, but even in the full putrid days there were a handful of individual performances you could rally around. Maybe that's an unfair comparison because it's easier to find positives when you've got lowered expectations, but a lot of our recent performances have been so flat that handing out votes is harder than manned spaceflight. The Jakovich Medal is done on the vibe for my own amusement and not meant to be a real-life analysis of players but I still take it seriously and at the moment you could split the 15 votes amongst a dozen players, none who really deserve it. So when you disagree keep in mind that it was like numbering every box on a ballot paper with a lot of candidates you don't like.

After years of refusing to call the opposition anything other than Footscray, it's appropriate that they chose a game against us to temporarily play under their real name again. Also something about beating us in the 1954 Grand Final but let's not dwell on that, other than to recall how we responded with a shitload of flags over the next decade.

We'll always have 25/09/2021, and during the week we got revelations about the teams being in the same nightclub on Grand Final night. I know Perth isn't New York, but there had to be two suitable venues that could hold one team each? Imagine bursting into flames on the biggest stage then having to watch the winning captain joyfully riding on a teammate's shoulders while having ice piffed at you by James Harmes? Sounds like shithouse event planning to me. What do you think was more awkward, Harmes arriving at the Dogs having treated them like peasants, or Hunter and Schache spending their MFC careers constantly being reminded of the dead set rooting they were part of on that enchanted evening?

It would be incorrect to say none of that matters now because I'm still ready to punch on for the legacy of the 2021 premiership, but only one of these traditionally naff teams will get a crack at another this year. Now that we're far enough from them sooking about our players singing particular songs I've got nothing against Footscray, but will not have the slightest interest in them winning it all unless Harmes is involved. For the first time here's my ranking of ex-players who I'm going for this year - based on both my interest in them and level of hatred for their team. 

1. James Jordon
2. Jesse Hogan
3. Corey Wagner
4. Toby Bedford
5. James Harmes
6. Luke Jackson
7. Braydon Preuss
8. Oskar Baker
9. Sam Frost
10. Brodie Grundy
11. Sam Weideman (points loss due to his team)
12. Jeremy Howe
DNQ - Jayden Hunt, Oscar McDonald

... and if I've forgotten anyone use what you've learnt about me over the years to guess where they would've landed.

I'm so checked out on this season that I probably wouldn't have gone on Friday night even if available, but one of the minimal benefits to watching via Channel 7 was Luke Hodge's description of our "big bollocking midfield". After plummeting down the midfield ratings from 'elite' to 'barely existant', this would have been a good time for the bollockers to show proof of life. Alternatively, they submitted to a domination that was every bit 186 except for the bulk scoring. Like Freo, we were unrealistically close at quarter time, briefly looked like being humiliated, and ended up losing by a margin in the low 50s.  

Lessons were obviously not learned against the last team to dash from one end to the other unchallenged against us, but at this point of the most tediously drawn out season of all time I don't think it matters and am struggling to get upset. Gawn used his 10% fit leg to put in 100% effort, a few others had unsustainable moments, and it took hopelessness, injury, and Tom McDonald on the verge of going postal to finally make them stop playing Petty in the forward line. So not all bad news then. By the final siren, our midfield included McVee, Tholstrup and Woewodin and nobody objected. Here's to the spirit of experimentation continuing for the last three weeks instead of trying to save face by flogging tired, hurting, and/or struggling for interest players into the ground.

Our team looked like men on their way to the electric chair so the choice of substitute was hardly the biggest problem but please explain the logic behind using Turner again. He's kicked more goals than Petty in fewer starts, could do with another full game of experience playing forward, and added nothing after coming on last week, so what were we expecting this time? For the second time this season having a defender on the bench came in (relatively) handy due to Steven May's explosive ribcage but I struggle with the logic behind it. Kynan Brown's 21 tackle VFL game is already in the "nobody saw it but it sounds good" Hall of Fame along with Maximum's 85 hitout game, but even if I didn't want to condemn him to being sub again, when does form and effort get rewarded? And I'm not here to aggressively argue for Bailey Laurie, but I'd love to know what he was thinking watching this after being given one week to prove himself before being sent back to the minors.

Not for the first time this year, in depth coverage of the play is not required because barely any of it involved Melbourne. If you were looking for an excuse to do something else on Friday night, it was obvious from the early stages where this was going. The resemblance to us going missing in Perth was uncanny. This time there was an early clearance (oh yay, I am so excited), and a belated first quarter goal, but otherwise it was midfielders doing as they liked, and forwards with more space than they knew what to do with. In contrast, on the rare times the ball did blunder towards our goal van Rooyen and Fritsch had less space than battery hens and the other alleged forwards were either entirely missing or trailing in a few seconds after the ball had already been dealt with. This was drizzling, unpleasant slop, and if anybody was going to start a game 71-0 behind this week I can't believe we didn't get in before Sydney.

I don't know what's changed since we last played them, other than the ravages of time. The only big hitters missing from that team are Petracca and Salem (and he probably doesn't even qualify these days) and the 'forward who knows how to play as a forward' role then occupied by Ben Brown. Remember when we were worried that he'd lost mobility? Well he looked like [insert topical Olympic athlete here] compared to some of the players we had down there this week. He will depart after this year with a life membership and my enduring love for calming nerves with the first goal of that last quarter, but we desperately need somebody who can get the ball up the ground, and leave some doubt as to who we're kicking towards inside 50. Spoiler alert in case you're watching this season backwards, that person will not be Petty. Maybe Turner eventually, once he's done hanging out on the bench in a tracksuit, but we desperately need somebody in that role from Round 1, 2025 or you can set the clock for van Rooyen demanding a trade in about 12 months.

One way to look at the start is that we were lucky Footscray opened with three points. I thought it was just the set up for a 9/10/11 etc... point play. Turns out the first 15 minutes were an extended 23 point play. 

In one of the great Jekyl and Hyde performances, Tom McDonald went from announcing the arrival of a new child via cute family photo a few days earlier, to carrying on like Mark Jackson here. It started when he was beaten to a mark and tested whether the umpire still cared about dissent by delivering his biggest non-politics related spray in recent memory. I was already so sure we'd lose I'd have welcomed the 50 just to see if he kept going once they reached the line. Next thing he's taking a lovely intercept mark, then playing on with an opponent right behind him and if it was the same umpire who'd just been spoken to like he was Daniel Andrews, he'd have been firm in the jompers paying that free.

Jamarra Ugle-Hagan, strangely referred to many times on commentary simply as just 'Hagan', must be a student of history because his contribution to Footscray heritage night was playing like beloved two club star (well, by us anyway) Allen Jakovich. Got plenty of the ball, kicked like he had leprosy. A miss from right in front saved Tom's bacon, but the next goal wasn't far behind. And nearly another, featuring the player mid-celebration before realising he'd hit the post. This was awful, and even worse when you realised the bozos calling the game would be on orders to pretend it was still alive for as long as possible so we didn't all turn over to skeet shooting on Channel 9.

We had about 60 seconds of window before it slammed shut on our fingers again. Fritsch kicked a goal, and Chandler was winding up for a shot that would have made the margin unreasonably close. Normal service resumed when he was caught at the last minute, and when McSizzle had a McWhiff trying to punch the ball across the line nobody would have blamed you for changing channels and choosing Decathalon over Deecrapalon.

The quarter time margin was roughly what we led by last week before disintegrating, but there were galaxies between the form of the trailing teams. GWS had wide-open targets that they missed with bad disposal, we barely had chances to start with and half the team risked neck damage from watching the ball fly over their head so often.

Lucky I didn't have any expectation of winning so it was easy to sit there and gloomily take my punishment. It was painful watching confirmed legends Oliver and Viney struggling to make an impact, and for the first time since return Melksham didn't get anywhere near it. No matter what else has happened to Oliver his sixth sense for getting the ball is still there so at least he got a few touches, but I suspect Clayts is a bit over this year, and I don't blame him. If it's in any way beneficial to him then pack him away now and let's hope for better next year. 

Viney is more concerning, he was nearly anonymous, and while nobody expects him to do silver platter delivery I was curious about his disposal efficiency and where it sits amongst all AFL players. The answer is 58.6% and 609th, which is about six percentage points and 100 places below anybody who's had a similar number of disposals. That didn't seem good, but then I found that he was 616th last year so who knows if these pulled from the arse numbers mean anything, but you don't need Champion Data to see that he's going down with the ship in our faltering midfield.

Meanwhile, while AFL Tables still refuses to acknowledge that Opening Round existed (good) by counting the season from Round 1-25 (bad), the actual AFL website is so keen for the concept that they're randomly inserting extra ones into the records of previous seasons. As long as you only care about recent stuff, the official site has got some good stats that you can sort, filter, and generally have a nerdish time over, but this is a bit amateur.

The only person involved in our midfield to come out of this with legitimate credit is Gawn, who is half-dead but put in a fine performance under the circumstances. Now that our season is entirely dead the sensible thing would be to let the poor man literally put his feet up and rest for next year but his post-match comments imply that he feels obliged to keep playing. For the love of god no, I can understand them flogging Oliver and Viney until the end so we don't get dragged into Tankquiry II but take the legitimate medical reason to remove a key player from dead rubbers, and let's have a free hit look at POTF.

Speaking of legitimate medical reasons, people have been talking about May looking proppy and barely being able to bend over for weeks but I've ignored it due to being blinded with love for him. So when he went off clutching everything here I thought his back must have finally given way and that's the last we'd see of him this year. Then when it turned out to be the ribs they're talking about a 'return-to-play-timeline'. It was posted before Port mugged Sydney and reduced our finals chances to 0.00001% but now there's nothing to play for we'd be idiots if the timeline doesn't lead to 2025.

In another throwback to the Freo game, there was about 45 seconds early in the second quarter where it looked like the opposition might be punished for not putting us away. Gawn continued to risk his leg falling off by floating in for a much-needed mark and goal, reducing the gap to three goals but I'd have still eaten all the hats and gone as far hee as possible if we'd come back to win.

We hung around like the proverbial for a bit, via May's disappearance, but after a rare two goals in a row cut the margin to 16 there was still less chance of us winning than Docklands collapsing into a sinkhole while a reformed Beatles played sent it off with a round of satanic death metal. We did get another round of Tom Goes Troppo, to the point where Gawn had to intervene before the umpire was sent flying John Bourke style. Then Max got rolled for a wacky ruck free straight after, remembered that he'd just tried to be the voice of reason and covered his mouth so you couldn't see him calling the umpire a kent.

Because I'm a romantic at heart, part of me wanted to believe after the Fritsch goal. Then straight out of the middle they were having another shot. That missed, and so did the next one, but even the most optimistic person must have realised that we were swimming against a tidal wave. This was confirmed by conceding a goal about 60 seconds after the resumption of play. 

Less certain, certainly if you worked for Channel 7, the whereabouts of Steven May. Before the bounce Big Turd said he'd been subbed out, then claimed that he was out there but had 'come on very late', shortly before they cut to footage of him in the rooms clearly having been subbed before play started. This was community TV level stuff. Did somebody really tell him May was on the ground, did he fail to comprehend a message, or was he just taking advantage of protected species status to make stuff up? The broadcaster's award-winning coverage later referred to Luke Beveridge as "a happy man" just as he was shown with the same hangdog, defeated middle-aged man expression that hasn't changed for years. I'm sure he's beaming on the inside.

Our last gasp at making things interesting died with Fritsch's snap that fell short, only to be pinged down the other end at world record speed for a goal. For reasons only known to our coaches, the forced introduction of Turner was not immediately used as an excuse to play Petty to his strengths, and instead 12.3 for the season went into the backline while 6.14 was left being largely ineffective at the other. Every once in a while he'll pull down a contested mark or do a tackle that looks good but that's like being impressed by 30 seconds of a player's pre-draft highlights (see you there soon sports fans) without 28 hours of footage where they do nowt.

The good news is that by the end of the quarter the question of whether Petty or Turner should be played in defence was solved Old El Paso style when McDonald was sent forward to stop him being carried from the ground by men in white coats. The final straw was when the umpire missed him being vigorously felt up by chief Bulldog irritant Weightman, only to turn around just as Tom was lobbing him on the ground. Maybe that's where Gawn had to intervene, I was watching but stopped taking a lot of it in by now. Could review the footage. Could also leap into an active volcano.

About the only moment of interest for the rest of the game was McDonald taking a mark just before three quarter time. Knowing he'd never top his last kick after the siren against Footscray, and probably still suffering off the charts stress levels, he booted it out on the full. I'm not going to act like emergency positional moves mean they would have worked if stretched across the season, but he got to more contests than in several Petty games combined, while we were surprising no worse off (adjusted for the game being shot to buggery) using a premiership defender in defence. The future of Tom's remaining career won't be in attack - not with us anyway - but it's baffling why they didn't try him down there more this year while our attack was in disarray.

Anything good happen in the last quarter? Well we kicked two goals and didn't lose by 96 points. And for the second time this year the crowd landed exactly on the zeroes. Otherwise it was half an hour of sad ebb and invoking of the Reverse Bradbury Plan in the hope that Port would beat Sydney and remove any odd fantasies about a miracle finish. They did - and then some - and may do likewise to us next week but except for the most obscure calculations that's it for the cursed 2024 season.

I'm upset at how things have gone, but am more angry with myself for promising not to turn on the coach when that would be the obvious coping strategy right now. Everyone wanted to sack Beveridge and Hinkley at various times this year and they might be facing off in a Grand Final but fat lot of good that does for us now. Too much went wrong to peak at the right time, and now our old 'boring but successful' style has been found out. We may very well be good again, but the intersection of injuries, inexperience, lost confidence, and lost will to live are going to make the next three weeks unpleasant. Well done to smart people who will just flat-out refuse to participate, I'm going to hate watch it all then treat the finals with all the respect of a local eSports meet.

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Ed Langdon
3 - Jacob van Rooyen
2 - Trent Rivers
1 - Jake Bowey 

Leaderboard
I'm ordinary at maths due to not having a good night's sleep since 1994, and an audit of the votes showed that Oliver was being ripped off out of five votes, along with a handful of other alterations that will have no effect on who wins. And that person is Max Gawn, who can now do no worse than a share of the top prize unless we make finals (please, no laughing). If May misses next week - and in what stupid universe are we rushing him back? - he'll be confirmed outright winner.

42 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year, WINNER: Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year)
27 - Steven May (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
24 - Christian Petracca
23 - Alex Neal-Bullen
21 - Jack Viney
18 - Jake Lever, Trent Rivers
16 - Clayton Oliver, Jacob van Rooyen
15 - Ed Langdon, Judd McVee
14 - Kysaiah Pickett
9 - Tom McDonald
6 - Christian Salem, Caleb Windsor (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
4 - Jack Billings, Bayley Fritsch, Harrison Petty, Tom Sparrow, Adam Tomlinson
3 - Jake Melksham, Daniel Turner
2 - Kade Chandler
1 - Jake Bowey, Blake Howes

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
There was a Fritsch one. Just cherish getting any.

1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong

Next week
Lucky we played GWS first and Port next week, because their fans will be the only thing that lifts the attendance to five figures. I don't give a Dutchman's dick that we're still mathematically a chance of finishing eighth, direct anyone who is beaten up towards a comfy chair and play randoms. There's playing 'the kids', but there's also very few kids worth playing, so for one week only I'll go departing veteran heavy. In come B. Brown and Tomlinson for a "thanks for everything" empty stadium match, and just to show we're nice people Hunter can play his 200th on our dime. Then they call all depart as one for Jefferson etc... in the last two weeks.

Either way we're going to lose. Hopefully not by a significant margin. I'll be washing my curtains.

IN: B. Brown, K. Brown, Fullarton, Hunter, Laurie, Tomlinson, Turner (pick your own sub)
OUT: May (inj), Gawn, Oliver, Viney (managed), Langdon (susp), Moniz-Wakefield (omit)
LUCKY:
UNLUCKY: Hore, Jefferson

The All New Bradbury Plan
Gorn

Final thoughts
Also gorn