It's been a big week for zero. First a reset for the 'days since Collingwood did racism' counter, then our chances of playing finals. And with the season theoretically on the line, our score for much of the first quarter. You knew it was over, I knew it was over, and apparently players from both sides did too. Cue a sad repeat of the second Fremantle game, where we looked horrendously overmatched, unlikely to reach double figures, and probably only saved from a Grand Canyon-sized hole by opposition flustered at how easy they were having it. Next time anyone talks about a Wildcard Round (*spit* *vom*) consider the ludicrous situation of us still being in the running for something resembling a final after this.
The nature of the defeat is important, but whether it was by 1, 50 or 250 points any loss finished a season that has been 50% really weird and 50% coma-inducingly dull. There are obscure scenarios where we could still make finals, but even as Australia's top Bradbury Plan fanatic I'm resigned to our fate. Pack away anybody with half an injury, wheel out various elements of the 17th place Casey side that probably just lost to Yackandandah, and spend the summer convincing yourself that we've still got one big swing left in us next year.
Is there a "So You've Ruined Your Life" style pamphlet on how we're supposed to deal with a season gently fading away like this? All my experience of post-finals descent is of the catastrophic explosion variety. 1992, 1999, 2001, 2003, 2007, and 2019 were all shit in their own way, but had gone out in "Dr. Nietschke is here to see you" fashion well before the last month. My emotional investment in Hollywood miracle endings carried me well beyond the point where it was obvious this one was going nowhere, and we've finally landed in the geographical centre of nowhere. To paraphrase Dave Chappelle, what can I about our season that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan - it looks bombed out and depleted.
I'm unusually accepting of where we're at and willing to buy into bouncing back next year, but sadly this one has to finish first. The opening 15 minutes of this game was an unconditional surrender and it only got marginally better. I'm getting used to losing again, but even in the full putrid days there were a handful of individual performances you could rally around. Maybe that's an unfair comparison because it's easier to find positives when you've got lowered expectations, but a lot of our recent performances have been so flat that handing out votes is harder than manned spaceflight. The Jakovich Medal is done on the vibe for my own amusement and not meant to be a real-life analysis of players but I still take it seriously and at the moment you could split the 15 votes amongst a dozen players, none who really deserve it. So when you disagree keep in mind that it was like numbering every box on a ballot paper with a lot of candidates you don't like.
After years of refusing to call the opposition anything other than Footscray, it's appropriate that they chose a game against us to temporarily play under their real name again. Also something about beating us in the 1954 Grand Final but let's not dwell on that, other than to recall how we responded with a shitload of flags over the next decade.
We'll always have 25/09/2021, and during the week we got revelations about the teams being in the same nightclub on Grand Final night. I know Perth isn't New York, but there had to be two suitable venues that could hold one team each? Imagine bursting into flames on the biggest stage then having to watch the winning captain joyfully riding on a teammate's shoulders while having ice piffed at you by James Harmes? Sounds like shithouse event planning to me. What do you think was more awkward, Harmes arriving at the Dogs having treated them like peasants, or Hunter and Schache spending their MFC careers constantly being reminded of the dead set rooting they were part of on that enchanted evening?
It would be incorrect to say none of that matters now because I'm still ready to punch on for the legacy of the 2021 premiership, but only one of these traditionally naff teams will get a crack at another this year. Now that we're far enough from them sooking about our players singing particular songs I've got nothing against Footscray, but will not have the slightest interest in them winning it all unless Harmes is involved. For the first time here's my ranking of ex-players who I'm going for this year - based on both my interest in them and level of hatred for their team.
1. James Jordon
2. Jesse Hogan
3. Corey Wagner
4. Toby Bedford
5. James Harmes
6. Luke Jackson
7. Braydon Preuss
8. Oskar Baker
9. Sam Frost
10. Brodie Grundy
11. Sam Weideman (points loss due to his team)
12. Jeremy Howe
DNQ - Jayden Hunt, Oscar McDonald
... and if I've forgotten anyone use what you've learnt about me over the years to guess where they would've landed.
I'm so checked out on this season that I probably wouldn't have gone on Friday night even if available, but one of the minimal benefits to watching via Channel 7 was Luke Hodge's description of our "big bollocking midfield". After plummeting down the midfield ratings from 'elite' to 'barely existant', this would have been a good time for the bollockers to show proof of life. Alternatively, they submitted to a domination that was every bit 186 except for the bulk scoring. Like Freo, we were unrealistically close at quarter time, briefly looked like being humiliated, and ended up losing by a margin in the low 50s.
Lessons were obviously not learned against the last team to dash from one end to the other unchallenged against us, but at this point of the most tediously drawn out season of all time I don't think it matters and am struggling to get upset. Gawn used his 10% fit leg to put in 100% effort, a few others had unsustainable moments, and it took hopelessness, injury, and Tom McDonald on the verge of going postal to finally make them stop playing Petty in the forward line. So not all bad news then. By the final siren, our midfield included McVee, Tholstrup and Woewodin and nobody objected. Here's to the spirit of experimentation continuing for the last three weeks instead of trying to save face by flogging tired, hurting, and/or struggling for interest players into the ground.
Our team looked like men on their way to the electric chair so the choice of substitute was hardly the biggest problem but please explain the logic behind using Turner again. He's kicked more goals than Petty in fewer starts, could do with another full game of experience playing forward, and added nothing after coming on last week, so what were we expecting this time? For the second time this season having a defender on the bench came in (relatively) handy due to Steven May's explosive ribcage but I struggle with the logic behind it. Kynan Brown's 21 tackle VFL game is already in the "nobody saw it but it sounds good" Hall of Fame along with Maximum's 85 hitout game, but even if I didn't want to condemn him to being sub again, when does form and effort get rewarded? And I'm not here to aggressively argue for Bailey Laurie, but I'd love to know what he was thinking watching this after being given one week to prove himself before being sent back to the minors.
Not for the first time this year, in depth coverage of the play is not required because barely any of it involved Melbourne. If you were looking for an excuse to do something else on Friday night, it was obvious from the early stages where this was going. The resemblance to us going missing in Perth was uncanny. This time there was an early clearance (oh yay, I am so excited), and a belated first quarter goal, but otherwise it was midfielders doing as they liked, and forwards with more space than they knew what to do with. In contrast, on the rare times the ball did blunder towards our goal van Rooyen and Fritsch had less space than battery hens and the other alleged forwards were either entirely missing or trailing in a few seconds after the ball had already been dealt with. This was drizzling, unpleasant slop, and if anybody was going to start a game 71-0 behind this week I can't believe we didn't get in before Sydney.
I don't know what's changed since we last played them, other than the ravages of time. The only big hitters missing from that team are Petracca and Salem (and he probably doesn't even qualify these days) and the 'forward who knows how to play as a forward' role then occupied by Ben Brown. Remember when we were worried that he'd lost mobility? Well he looked like [insert topical Olympic athlete here] compared to some of the players we had down there this week. He will depart after this year with a life membership and my enduring love for calming nerves with the first goal of that last quarter, but we desperately need somebody who can get the ball up the ground, and leave some doubt as to who we're kicking towards inside 50. Spoiler alert in case you're watching this season backwards, that person will not be Petty. Maybe Turner eventually, once he's done hanging out on the bench in a tracksuit, but we desperately need somebody in that role from Round 1, 2025 or you can set the clock for van Rooyen demanding a trade in about 12 months.
One way to look at the start is that we were lucky Footscray opened with three points. I thought it was just the set up for a 9/10/11 etc... point play. Turns out the first 15 minutes were an extended 23 point play.
In one of the great Jekyl and Hyde performances, Tom McDonald went from announcing the arrival of a new child via cute family photo a few days earlier, to carrying on like Mark Jackson here. It started when he was beaten to a mark and tested whether the umpire still cared about dissent by delivering his biggest non-politics related spray in recent memory. I was already so sure we'd lose I'd have welcomed the 50 just to see if he kept going once they reached the line. Next thing he's taking a lovely intercept mark, then playing on with an opponent right behind him and if it was the same umpire who'd just been spoken to like he was Daniel Andrews, he'd have been firm in the jompers paying that free.
Jamarra Ugle-Hagan, strangely referred to many times on commentary simply as just 'Hagan', must be a student of history because his contribution to Footscray heritage night was playing like beloved two club star (well, by us anyway) Allen Jakovich. Got plenty of the ball, kicked like he had leprosy. A miss from right in front saved Tom's bacon, but the next goal wasn't far behind. And nearly another, featuring the player mid-celebration before realising he'd hit the post. This was awful, and even worse when you realised the bozos calling the game would be on orders to pretend it was still alive for as long as possible so we didn't all turn over to skeet shooting on Channel 9.
We had about 60 seconds of window before it slammed shut on our fingers again. Fritsch kicked a goal, and Chandler was winding up for a shot that would have made the margin unreasonably close. Normal service resumed when he was caught at the last minute, and when McSizzle had a McWhiff trying to punch the ball across the line nobody would have blamed you for changing channels and choosing Decathalon over Deecrapalon.
The quarter time margin was roughly what we led by last week before disintegrating, but there were galaxies between the form of the trailing teams. GWS had wide-open targets that they missed with bad disposal, we barely had chances to start with and half the team risked neck damage from watching the ball fly over their head so often.
Lucky I didn't have any expectation of winning so it was easy to sit there and gloomily take my punishment. It was painful watching confirmed legends Oliver and Viney struggling to make an impact, and for the first time since return Melksham didn't get anywhere near it. No matter what else has happened to Oliver his sixth sense for getting the ball is still there so at least he got a few touches, but I suspect Clayts is a bit over this year, and I don't blame him. If it's in any way beneficial to him then pack him away now and let's hope for better next year.
Viney is more concerning, he was nearly anonymous, and while nobody expects him to do silver platter delivery I was curious about his disposal efficiency and where it sits amongst all AFL players. The answer is 58.6% and 609th, which is about six percentage points and 100 places below anybody who's had a similar number of disposals. That didn't seem good, but then I found that he was 616th last year so who knows if these pulled from the arse numbers mean anything, but you don't need Champion Data to see that he's going down with the ship in our faltering midfield.
The only person involved in our midfield to come out of this with legitimate credit is Gawn, who is half-dead but put in a fine performance under the circumstances. Now that our season is entirely dead the sensible thing would be to let the poor man literally put his feet up and rest for next year but his post-match comments imply that he feels obliged to keep playing. For the love of god no, I can understand them flogging Oliver and Viney until the end so we don't get dragged into Tankquiry II but take the legitimate medical reason to remove a key player from dead rubbers, and let's have a free hit look at POTF.
Speaking of legitimate medical reasons, people have been talking about May looking proppy and barely being able to bend over for weeks but I've ignored it due to being blinded with love for him. So when he went off clutching everything here I thought his back must have finally given way and that's the last we'd see of him this year. Then when it turned out to be the ribs they're talking about a 'return-to-play-timeline'. It was posted before Port mugged Sydney and reduced our finals chances to 0.00001% but now there's nothing to play for we'd be idiots if the timeline doesn't lead to 2025.
In another throwback to the Freo game, there was about 45 seconds early in the second quarter where it looked like the opposition might be punished for not putting us away. Gawn continued to risk his leg falling off by floating in for a much-needed mark and goal, reducing the gap to three goals but I'd have still eaten all the hats and gone as far hee as possible if we'd come back to win.
We hung around like the proverbial for a bit, via May's disappearance, but after a rare two goals in a row cut the margin to 16 there was still less chance of us winning than Docklands collapsing into a sinkhole while a reformed Beatles played sent it off with a round of satanic death metal. We did get another round of Tom Goes Troppo, to the point where Gawn had to intervene before the umpire was sent flying John Bourke style. Then Max got rolled for a wacky ruck free straight after, remembered that he'd just tried to be the voice of reason and covered his mouth so you couldn't see him calling the umpire a kent.
Because I'm a romantic at heart, part of me wanted to believe after the Fritsch goal. Then straight out of the middle they were having another shot. That missed, and so did the next one, but even the most optimistic person must have realised that we were swimming against a tidal wave. This was confirmed by conceding a goal about 60 seconds after the resumption of play.
Less certain, certainly if you worked for Channel 7, the whereabouts of Steven May. Before the bounce Big Turd said he'd been subbed out, then claimed that he was out there but had 'come on very late', shortly before they cut to footage of him in the rooms clearly having been subbed before play started. This was community TV level stuff. Did somebody really tell him May was on the ground, did he fail to comprehend a message, or was he just taking advantage of protected species status to make stuff up? The broadcaster's award-winning coverage later referred to Luke Beveridge as "a happy man" just as he was shown with the same hangdog, defeated middle-aged man expression that hasn't changed for years. I'm sure he's beaming on the inside.
Our last gasp at making things interesting died with Fritsch's snap that fell short, only to be pinged down the other end at world record speed for a goal. For reasons only known to our coaches, the forced introduction of Turner was not immediately used as an excuse to play Petty to his strengths, and instead 12.3 for the season went into the backline while 6.14 was left being largely ineffective at the other. Every once in a while he'll pull down a contested mark or do a tackle that looks good but that's like being impressed by 30 seconds of a player's pre-draft highlights (see you there soon sports fans) without 28 hours of footage where they do nowt.
The good news is that by the end of the quarter the question of whether Petty or Turner should be played in defence was solved Old El Paso style when McDonald was sent forward to stop him being carried from the ground by men in white coats. The final straw was when the umpire missed him being vigorously felt up by chief Bulldog irritant Weightman, only to turn around just as Tom was lobbing him on the ground. Maybe that's where Gawn had to intervene, I was watching but stopped taking a lot of it in by now. Could review the footage. Could also leap into an active volcano.
About the only moment of interest for the rest of the game was McDonald taking a mark just before three quarter time. Knowing he'd never top his last kick after the siren against Footscray, and probably still suffering off the charts stress levels, he booted it out on the full. I'm not going to act like emergency positional moves mean they would have worked if stretched across the season, but he got to more contests than in several Petty games combined, while we were surprising no worse off (adjusted for the game being shot to buggery) using a premiership defender in defence. The future of Tom's remaining career won't be in attack - not with us anyway - but it's baffling why they didn't try him down there more this year while our attack was in disarray.
Anything good happen in the last quarter? Well we kicked two goals and didn't lose by 96 points. And for the second time this year the crowd landed exactly on the zeroes. Otherwise it was half an hour of sad ebb and invoking of the Reverse Bradbury Plan in the hope that Port would beat Sydney and remove any odd fantasies about a miracle finish. They did - and then some - and may do likewise to us next week but except for the most obscure calculations that's it for the cursed 2024 season.
I'm upset at how things have gone, but am more angry with myself for promising not to turn on the coach when that would be the obvious coping strategy right now. Everyone wanted to sack Beveridge and Hinkley at various times this year and they might be facing off in a Grand Final but fat lot of good that does for us now. Too much went wrong to peak at the right time, and now our old 'boring but successful' style has been found out. We may very well be good again, but the intersection of injuries, inexperience, lost confidence, and lost will to live are going to make the next three weeks unpleasant. Well done to smart people who will just flat-out refuse to participate, I'm going to hate watch it all then treat the finals with all the respect of a local eSports meet.
2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Ed Langdon
3 - Jacob van Rooyen
2 - Trent Rivers
1 - Jake Bowey
Leaderboard
I'm ordinary at maths due to not having a good night's sleep since 1994, and an audit of the votes showed that Oliver was being ripped off out of five votes, along with a handful of other alterations that will have no effect on who wins. And that person is Max Gawn, who can now do no worse than a share of the top prize unless we make finals (please, no laughing). If May misses next week - and in what stupid universe are we rushing him back? - he'll be confirmed outright winner.
42 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year, WINNER: Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year)
27 - Steven May (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
24 - Christian Petracca
23 - Alex Neal-Bullen
21 - Jack Viney
18 - Jake Lever, Trent Rivers
16 - Clayton Oliver, Jacob van Rooyen
15 - Ed Langdon, Judd McVee
14 - Kysaiah Pickett
9 - Tom McDonald
6 - Christian Salem, Caleb Windsor (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
4 - Jack Billings, Bayley Fritsch, Harrison Petty, Tom Sparrow, Adam Tomlinson
3 - Jake Melksham, Daniel Turner
2 - Kade Chandler
1 - Jake Bowey, Blake Howes
Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
There was a Fritsch one. Just cherish getting any.
1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong
Next week
Lucky we played GWS first and Port next week, because their fans will be the only thing that lifts the attendance to five figures. I don't give a Dutchman's dick that we're still mathematically a chance of finishing eighth, direct anyone who is beaten up towards a comfy chair and play randoms. There's playing 'the kids', but there's also very few kids worth playing, so for one week only I'll go departing veteran heavy. In come B. Brown and Tomlinson for a "thanks for everything" empty stadium match, and just to show we're nice people Hunter can play his 200th on our dime. Then they call all depart as one for Jefferson etc... in the last two weeks.
Either way we're going to lose. Hopefully not by a significant margin. I'll be washing my curtains.
IN: B. Brown, K. Brown, Fullarton, Hunter, Laurie, Tomlinson, Turner (pick your own sub)
OUT: May (inj), Gawn, Oliver, Viney (managed), Langdon (susp), Moniz-Wakefield (omit)
LUCKY:
UNLUCKY: Hore, Jefferson
The All New Bradbury Plan
Gorn
Final thoughts
Also gorn
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