Stone gold

Last week's post took me so long to write that it was able to cover the early stages of the Petracca Affair, but after finally publishing and returning to normal life I didn't expect any more bad news until the teams came out on Thursday. It only took about 60 minutes for the next stitch up, with the latest leak from an increasingly porous club revealing that ANB had requested a trade to SA for FR. No way the club intended for this news to come out in the media, but it seems appropriate in a season where we've had more dramatic storylines than several of the #fistedforever years combined.  

I'll miss baffling outsiders and casual readers by calling him the Bullet, but cannot/will not argue about him going home for family reasons after a decade of service. It's none of my business why he needs to go, but it's obviously not so he can see his nephew's school play so I don't know how anyone could be upset about it. Unless you're Kane Cornes and hold him at fault for not factoring complex personal situations into last year's contract negotiations. And anybody who is genuinely angry is probably the same sort offering to drive him to the airport a few years ago, so I think most of us wish him well in any game not against us. Should be an interesting reunion at Adelaide with the guy who he bounced off the ground like a basketball in 2020.

The rest of the week was spent with the rest of the league picking over the bones of our premiership team like an episode of Antiques Roadshow. Collingwood stuck their nose into the Petracca issue to the point where I reckon they're deliberately keeping the story alive Russian Twitter bot style to stir up discontent and try to recruit him. Meanwhile, North publicly did everything but offer Jack Viney a contract, and Clayton Oliver was being traded to everyone from Geelong to Woodville-West Torrens. Clay Clay ended the week in metaphorical traction, packed away with a litany of injuries and our best wishes for a happy and healthy break.

Last week's suggestion that things had gone by a bit Thick Of It was nearly the cue for Malcolm Tucker to turn up and declare the place an omnishambles. Even Paul Gardner got a run on the news, and was still referred to as 'former Melbourne president' in an unrelated story about a derelict building burning down, which must have reminded him of his time at our helm. All we needed was another pissweak expose from the Glenn Bartlett scrapbook and to have our dignity stripped by a team nobody gives a rats about, and it would have been a perfect Melbourne week.

I know that trade speculation in the media is usually just some combination of agents, clubs, and journalists conspiring to feather their own nest, but the least concerning story of the week was that Dan Houston is allegedly spooked about joining us due to the current turmoil. If true, then send him a plate of fishheads and a note reading "far cough", then go looking for people who want to be the difference maker. On the other hand, he will be fresh after several weeks off for vigorously stopping the Rankin' Wankin' phenomenon.

When the season still had a squeeze of life left I thought we'd benefit from a return to siege mentality, but thought we might have the reverse effect after several days of having our corpse kicked from every angle. Still not sure we needed to be so conservative with selection after the season died, but I feel a lot better about not wheeling the fringe players in after winning by nine goals. There's an alternative reality where we pull the shutters down, play an 'experimental' team and are none-the-wiser about what could have been. I'll take it, especially when our VFL team let the Suns kick 27 goals.

In a year where we've been accused of everything except people smuggling, our commitment to playing it out in the right spirit should earn us some sort of rebate on the fine for tanking in 2009. Still, picking our best available team left open the nightmare scenario of still being ruthlessly humped, then getting home to find Oliver and Petracca both gone, and the club being set back years like 186 all over again. We got away with it, and hopefully it's the Kumbaya moment everyone needs to come together and prepare for a substantial crack at next year. 

There's still no rest for Gawn and his giftwrapped leg, and that's clearly how he likes it. I'll take their word that playing out the season won't cause his bones to grind into dust before December 31. Hopefully his mystery contract extension happened after he walked into the rooms full of joy after leading his team to victory and demanded to be re-signed immediately. Maybe he signed it in the blood from his forehead? We're not going to get the desired Hollywood ending, but if this year is made into a TV series (and please, if you're into TV or movies please contact me for quality footy related ideas) that would be a great shot to end the season. 

Whatever the merits of playing safe were vs doing weird shit, we got a good result that I'm not going to argue about. I felt differently pre-game while waiting for something gruesome to happen. I've got sympathy for people who do club social media and have to put up with unreasonable dickheads addressing them like they're talking directly to the CEO, but still thought it was a bit risky including the word 'slop' in anything after the run we've had. They love avant-garde match preview graphics, and this one turned out a lot better than when a giant ice cream drifted away from the shore because Jake Bowey had seized its anchor. 

Nobody went into this game with great enthusiasm, and Kayo wouldn't have seen viewing figures this low since the World Excel Championships, but the good news is that when you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always play Gold Coast. After 11 straight wins against them ranging from the sublime (the game that started it all in 2021) to the ridiculous (the 2019 heist), I thought this was where the fun was going to end. This didn't take into account the Suns bursting into flames at the end of every season, and their traditional turning of a promising start into dust came just in time to give us a win that meant sod all in the context of the season, but was fun in isolation. Everyone involved got to write off several shit weeks with a positive performance and I'm happy for them. And may any critics who don't identify as Melbourne fans catch a sexually transmitted disease in the ear.

As for the Suns, I'm sure hiring Damien Hardwick will be a positive (and he got a nice apartment out of it), but their end of season flake outs make Essendon and Port Adelaide look stable. They'll never do better than turning 3-1 into 3-19 and a priority pick in 2019, but as you may have learned from the 900 times it was mentioned on commentary, they've still never won more than 10 games in a season. They're probably still blaming being a comically fragile side on having to pick a snake off the training shed roof a decade ago, but continue to disappoint after being announced as arriving more times than the Orient Express. My heart struggles to ache for them, but the sooner they push the other Victorian teams out of finals the better, because if I don't get to be happy nobody I know should be either.

Remember a few weeks ago when people were frothing over the closest finals battle in years? That didn't last, and on a day of season-defining games this a curtain raiser between two deflated balloons was like when you couldn't watch The Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels until Funaki and Val Venis finished. Which suited me, I'd rather hatewatch my own club in decline than see premiership contenders do anything.

It took 23 weeks for me to realise, but Carrara has been rebranded as 'People First Stadium'. Regrettably, that's an obscure bank and not, as the name suggests, a shadowy sex cult or fringe political party. If you're thinking about transferring your life savings, their website is full of stock images, except for one unnecessarily zoomed-in shot of Footscray players and coach looking uncomfortable.

Appropriately for a game I didn't really want to watch, you couldn't see half of it. The shadows covering the camera-side wing provided the best opportunity yet for somebody to do a Colonel Mustard and finish their opponent off with a lead pipe. Or as Brayden Maynard would put it, "a plumbing accident". There was a bit of murder in the dark later, but at first the bright, sunshiney bits shone a literal light on the locals doing pretty much as they liked. Once we'd conceded the two goals on either side of attacking play that would have been laughed at in the 19th century, I was sure the trailing side would suffer a fate more like Fremantle V2 than Fremantle V1. It landed somewhere in the middle, where we caught up and won comfortably but without raining biblical fire on the opposition until they begged for mercy. 

When it looked like we were up for another four quarters of offensive offence I was ready to march down Brunton Avenue in protest over two knees in the grave Ben Brown kicking as many goals in a thumping Reserves loss as Harrison Petty in 18 senior games. I know you can't take everything that happens in the VFL seriously (ask Kynan Brown, still waiting for his 21 tackle game to be acknowledged) but regardless of the positive steps in the main game, I still think that if he's fit enough to play in the seconds, then somebody with years of forward experience might have come in handy while the season was still on the line. 

Sick fantasies of Brown hanging out on the list as a 'just in case' option next year were dashed when he retired, citing physical breakdown. There's no doubting the character of a man who cites helping to coach an AFLW premiership on the same level as winning one himself during the retirement speech, and if 45 games/73 goals over four seasons looks like a better-than-average bit-part contribution on paper, his contribution to the greatest night in human history can never been diminished. I think about that game several times a day, and one of the big 'what ifs' is how I'd have gone if we'd come back from the dead, unloaded the Mad Minute, then imploded in the final quarter. Not saying I'd have ended up floating in the river, but you may recall the random stress-related nosebleed at half time and assume medical attention would have been required. When he kicked the first goal the Dogs players went "oh shit" and you know the rest. If they do a presentation to the departing 2021 Grand Final heroes on Friday night I hope Lachie Hunter and Josh Schache are included.

Now that it's too late for BBB and his mega-run up to save us, I'm happy to acknowledge that after suffering various degrees of malignment this year, the van Rooyen/Turner/Petty combination had their most productive afternoon yet. I just hope it's not the ultimate pyrrhic victory where the club thinks they've finally cracked the formula and run a red line through any tall forward recruiting targets. They all had their moments while kicking a combined 10 goals but let's keep a little in reserve considering the opposition visibly lost their will to live by the final siren.

van Rooyen kicked goals is good, but the idea of playing him as second ruck all next year offends me greatly. People who take interest in other clubs, is there a realistic trade target who can competently play forward and fill in for Gawn as required (including for long stretches if he's injured again)? I didn't like seeing JVR getting torpedoed at a centre bounce by Jarrod Witts and would prefer that he's left to develop as a human snag machine instead of playing emergency understudy to Gawn. Probably not Peter Wright, but somebody like him. In this scenario Petty goes back, but if they're really sold that he's going to find goalkicking form then I'd rather he do the 5% fill-in job so we get the odd moment of "I told you so" vindication as he rolls back into defence to take a solid mark. Either way, I'd feel a lot more comfortable if there was an experienced ruckman parked on our list somewhere who can play bulk games if Gawn is unavailable. And apologies to POTF but this time make sure the product works as intended before purchase.

van Rooyen is the future franchise player/heartbreaking home state returnee, but for the second time this year Daniel Turner looked capable of doing serious damage in the future. His three goals against Richmond had the element of surprise (and as it turns out, the advantage of playing against wooden spoon opposition), and after flapping around a bit in the middle of the year he looked to be on the rise again against Essendon before we wasted everyone's time by making him the sub for a couple of weeks. Against Port he looked about as threatening as everyone else, but this was a very good performance. He missed his first set shot, but just taking a mark inside 50 is an achievement for us this season. Then he kicked two, set van Rooyen up for another, and I'm comfortable that the science is settled and his place is forward. Send the other one literally back to where he played a key role in a flag and proceed directly towards next year.

It didn't feel totally mad that we were in front, until then it had only been failure to convert that set the sides apart. The third goal came after the always popular Jack Viney Shoulder Injury False Alarm, back after a few weeks off. For the third or fourth time this year he looked to have lost the use of one arm, only to bounce back seconds later like nothing was wrong. He should introduce a Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon element and smash it back in on a goalpost.

After a week of speculation that he's going to run out the clock with North Melbourne as their Daniel Cross-style placeholder mega-professional, Viney had his best game all year. This time there was both manic collection of ball and effective disposal, against players including the guy that eats grass. There was concern that he didn't do a passionate Wolf Of Wall Street "I'm staying" speech when asked if after the match if he was staying, but this is a guy who once responded to winning a best on ground award by talking about Australia being grouse is so I don't need him to talk me into believing. I prefer the past evidence when there were rumours about him going to Geelong shortly before signing a contract extension. And we're going to be hornswoggled into delivering one last big deal for somebody who may burst at any moment I'm happy for it to be someone who has given his all for years, in often rotten circumstances. Besides, we might have a bit of money to throw around after this season so consider it a superannuation payout.

Considering how dire things had looked early, we'd done very well to ride the Disco Revolution back into the game. So the obvious reaction to this was cracking like an egg in the dying seconds and letting a player kick his first goal of the season after the siren. Even after already mentally checking out before the game started, this gave me the shits. Fortunately it was only a blip, and even if the Suns hung around like swirling nuggets for another two quarters they never seriously looked like winning again.

For a game so obscure that Fox Footy probably taped over the master copy with an episode of Bounce, there was a significant highlight at the start of the second quarter. Finally, after 18.25 games Petty pulled down a contested mark against multiple opponents in front of goal. I was legitimately happy for him, but also worried that this might somehow vindicate a season where he came in averaging one goal every three games. This time he got three in one game, surely becoming the first key position forward in the history to double his season tally in game 18.

We conceded a goal to a mystifying ruck free, then had Gawn go off with what looked like a prison tattoo of a particularly objectionable political symbol on his forehead. Dermott Brereton used the opportunity to talk about professional wrestlers cutting their own heads, but lacked the subject expertise to crack an Abdullah The Butcher reference (tw: enormous man boobs) that sickos like me would have loved. Also on the call, chief commentary dingbat Dwayne Russell promoting the idea of wildcard games. There's something wrong when David King has to be the voice of reason, but of course Mr. Spectacle wants artificial excitement pumped into games, even if it turns the league into the adult equivalent of every child getting a medal. Let's hear more about livening the game up from people calling the game out of a South Melbourne studio.       

Things really started going our way when Viney goalled straight over the hat of a goal umpire wearing sunglasses and a giant moustache that made it look like he was in disguise. If you're thinking of entering the witness protection program there are worse places to hide than our forward line. The bad news for Donnie Brasco was that we kept him surprisingly busy, including another goal to Langdon soon after. He is one of the few players who got better as the season got worse, and this was another solid afternoon of legging it up and down the wing. The only problem with his goal was that it caused Gold Coast to instantly respond with two, costing us the lead again.      

I've got NFI why we carted Melksham halfway up the country just to make him sub again, but he got to play most of the game after Sparrow hurt his foot. It looked innocuous, and even though he was on crutches at the end we haven't had any tragic announcements about amputation so hopefully he gets a week head-start on Mad Monday and can start pre-season on time. I'm not happy that it took this to get Melk on the ground, but he was again very helpful to our structure. As he didn't get a two-for-one going away party with Brown I hope it means another season. He might not play every week, and the situation has 'mid-season retirement' written all over it, but we'd be nuts to chop him if he's willing.

Last week's Mac Andrew extravaganza helped us reflect on a) how we were rorted out of drafting him, and b) why it's 10x funnier when Essendon lose after the siren, but he showed due respect to the club that did so much for him (with whatever Next Gen acadamies do) by offering close to bugger all here. Despite the comedown from last week's heroics I'm sure his career will pan out well, and there was a moment where he leapt over Gawn at a centre bounce contest like an Atlantic Salmon that made you wonder what a post-Maximum future would have looked like with him and Jackson. I reserve the right to be bitter about losing him on a draft whim, but that's still no excuse to be risking van Rooyen as a second ruckman when we've had multiple chances to find somebody qualified for the job.

We had a bit of good luck later in the quarter when somebody called Jed kicked into the mark from 15 metres out. How in 2024 are there two people called 'Jed' in Australia, let alone on AFL lists. With our recent history of charitably keeping teams in games I was still watching the clock and waiting for things to turn sour, especially on the warmest day of the season, against a team who usually win at home and lose everywhere else. Lucky they turned things around last week and were free to return to traditional Gold Coast values of falling to bits late in the season. Our fixture requests for next year should be no Saturday night home games against interstate teams and playing the Suns home and away in the last two rounds.

Old Jed had another go late in the quarter, but just when they'd have had two goals in a row and all the momentum going into half time his second effort was just as bad. Instead, they became the first team this year to let Petty kick multiple goals, and we were six points up with a better score than in four quarters the week before. I still wouldn't have believed it was enough, but even all sorts of advantages the Suns rolled over so quickly that they should change branding from lifesaving flag to white flag. It helped that they gifted us the first goal with a calamitous attempt at running the ball from defence, but when two followed soon after you could have been excused for thinking this was going to be easy. 

It was, but not just yet. They got the only other goal before three quarter time, and you could easily imagine us tiring and blowing a 17 point lead. Less easy to imagine, a romping seven goal to one final term, as Gold Coast brought all the effort and enthusiasm as the time they were made to fly to Melbourne on a few hours' notice and be thrashed in front of an empty stadium. The highlight was Judd McVee's first career goal, saving him from the list of most games without one, and landing him equal seventh for longest streak before saluting. He is a lot of fun, and regardless of who else does a bunk in strange circumstances I'm hoping he'll be around for years to come.

With Gold Coast begging for the sweet release of death, the rest of the game was morally junk time for everyone but Melbourne fans. A nine goal win was unexpectedly savage, and even adjusted for the opposition packing up at three quarter time I'm not even remotely angry that our highest score of the season came just as it was officially over. With some of the bin juice that's been served up recently, and off-field drama likely to ruin summer, I was happy to take any sort of comfortable win.       

For whatever reason there was a big group photo at the end. Maybe for Neal-Bullen to take with him just in case nobody's in the mood next week due to a return to blood-dripping butchery. Mr Wildcard Spectacle tried to claim it was 'the whole list', as if it was some proof of life picture for the critics, even without some of the keyest players present. Charlie Spargo was there again, still hobbling on crutches while dressed like Raygun, but demonstrating admirable commitment to the cause just by being there. I sense even without seeking outrage that people were crying about this, but even though 2024 has been a miserable experience I don't begrudge players a moment of joy before returning to Miseryville.

You can argue the merits of playing kids (yes), maximising the draft haul (nah), or losing to try and get an easier fixture next year (fuck off), but this was a good result for me. On Saturday morning I was one step from going to the Calmwood Mental Hospital like Ned Flanders, so a bit of pressure-free footy fun staved off insanity for a bit longer. It's been as grim a season as you can get while still winning nearly half the time, but even if this proves to be worth nothing in the grand scheme of things I'm glad it happened.  

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jack Viney
4 - Ed Langdon
3 - Daniel Turner
2 - Alex Neal-Bullen
1 - Max Gawn

Apologies to Petty, Howes, Rivers, Salem and others.

Leaderboard
The main event was already over, and this week confirmed Steven May as our Defender of the Year in absentia. That leaves one award to fill, and with a late surge from Turner the four games or less eligibility criteria for the Rising Star has finally come into play. He can now do no worse than share the title with Windsor (and Howes if he gets five and Turner fails to score) or preferably win it outright by doing something wild next week. Otherwise it's good and bad news for ANB, who continues to score votes on his way out but has been overtaken by Viney in the race for a podium finish.

48 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year, WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
29 - Jack Viney
27 - Steven May (WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
26 - Alex Neal-Bullen
24 - Christian Petracca
19 - Ed Langdon
18 - Jake Lever, Kysaiah Pickett, Trent Rivers
16 - Clayton Oliver, Jacob van Rooyen
15 - Judd McVee
9 - Tom McDonald
6 - Harrison Petty, Christian Salem, Daniel Turner (JOINT LEADER: Rising Star Award), Caleb Windsor (JOINT LEADER: Rising Star Award)
4 - Jack Billings, Bayley Fritsch, Tom Sparrow, Adam Tomlinson
3 - Jake Melksham
2 - Kade Chandler
1 - Jake Bowey, Blake Howes

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
The Petty one that swung wildly on the breeze provided an appealing visual spectacle, but how could you go beyond Viney from the boundary line? No change to the leaderboard, even if I can't remember what #2 or #3 looked like.

1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong

Next week
Thank god it's nearly over, but not before having to spend the whole week pretending that knocking Collingwood out of the finals somehow vindicates our failed season. Results elsewhere mean they're practically dead anyway, but they're an outside chance of making it if they win, Carlton lose to St Kilda, and there's about a 200 point combined margin. Unlikely but not impossible, and now we've got to put up with a week of the world's least self-aware people speculating about unleashing a world record margin on us.

It didn't need to be this way, when the Pies were practically dead against Brisbane we were set for a night where fans of both persuasions could gather to find common ground over failed premiership defences. Then the Lions went full flange, only for an injury-riddled Carlton to play the unlikely hero and stick the boots into a West Coast side who are finished showing of promise and just want the season to end.

Sadly there's still enough in this to vindicate the AFL and Channel 7 setting us up as sacrificial lambs to get Collingwood in the eight at the start of the round and profit from everyone trying to knock them out. It'll be funny if we knock them out - or they win by such a derisory margin that it will need Ross Lyon to unleash the insane attack plan he's had hidden for 20 years - but that's not consistent with years of desperately trying to be Collingwood's rivals and usually coming out looking like clowns. I'll play along by gently winding back on my 'pick randos' demands, but otherwise decline to participate in overt big loser energy style excitement about putting them out while our future is still questionable.

Unfortunately for Ben Brown, the belated arrival of our tall forwards means he won't get a farewell game. I'd say just pick him anyway and who cares, but I know that's not going to happen. They're more likely to drop Tomlinson and unnecessarily rush May back. Shane McAdam kicked four and is more chance of being there next year, but if we're going to pick a forward out of thin air I'll blow up if he's chosen in front of a premiership hero. Instead, may all your Brown requirements be provided by Kynan, who should get a chance at starting once in his first season. Otherwise, AMW seems to have done well in Casey's last disappointing loss of the year so I'll have him as well. Out with the crocked Sparrow is Billings because no matter how good his stats were we've got no need for him in a game with bugger all on the line. Chandler goes too because he's been there all year and hasn't done a lot wrong but we can do without him for a week.

Anyway, here's to ending a flat season in an amusing way instead of copping one final knee to the knackers on the way out.

IN: K. Brown, Moniz-Wakefield, Melksham (starts)
OUT: Billings (omit), Sparrow (inj)
LUCKY: Nil
UNLUCKY: B. Brown, Laurie, Woewodin

AFLW Watch
I half-watched the practice game against Port Adelaide, but couldn't focus closely enough to even convincingly fake a review. We lost, which is fine because it's pre-season and surely teams aren't yet at the point of regularly kicking 114 point aggregate scores in the real games, but I'm still expecting us to come back to the pack this year. We've lost a lot of experience (and Liv Purcell has a broken face, which can't be good), but my main concern is that the rest of the competition is catching up. Good for football, bad for teams that have been up for the best part of eight seasons. The tone will be set with a brutal start against all the top sides, but we've survived that sort of rigged fixturing before so there's still everything to play for. Full coverage of the season proper (with bonus guest reporters if I run out of juice) on these pages.

Final thoughts
I've got a shortlist of post headline ideas and this one has been at the top of it for years, so I'm glad it finally got a run because all the other gold related puns had been done. Sadly, you may never see some of the other rippers on the list because they need an unlikely combination of opposition, result, venue, day of week, weather etc... to be valid, but I assure you they're piss funny.