Before we get into this game, and that part won't take long, I'd like to acknowledge losing this practical dead rubber by about 10 goals less than expected. We even nearly won via submission, but as the NASA Supercomputer was required to calculate our finals chances either way, it was the most sedate reaction I'll ever have to losing a thriller. There wasn't even the old 'it's the hope that kills you' disappointment, and if anything it was quite a good effort after losing two players to the green apple splatters and playing in front of a '90s night' crowd figure that looked like it started with '90'.
That's all nice, but you get what you deserve scoring 51 in anything less than hurricane conditions. We can't comfort ourselves with Craig McRae style "it was everyone else's fault" theories, nearly getting away with it isn't enough and you just will not win games with ssackcores like that. I nearly got RSI scrolling to find the last time we pulled off a similar heist, and was ready with the exclusions and disclaimers for 2020 before finding out what we'd done better in each of our wins that year. You've got to go back to 1971, at Waverley, when a Norm Smith-led South Melbourne stunk the joint up with 2.6.18. That day featured slush, and only a few thousand less fans dotted amongst cavernously empty stands. Even the match reporter lost interest in submitted dot points, and 53 years on I know how he felt.
I'm not into rorting draft picks or trying to manoeuvre ourselves into a better fixture next year, so would have been quite happy to win. It would have validated playing Gawn with a mattress strapped to his ankle and making team selections so bland they should have been submitted on beige paper. And even if I'm more concerned about crop rotation in the 14th century than this result, holding a side that scored 70+ unanswered points last week to less than that across four quarters is worth something. I'm sad that we didn't go for a respectable score, but the return of 'boring but functional' Melbourne was a big change from several weeks of being pushed aside like cardboard cutouts. Spoiler alert - despite this none of the defenders get votes.
At the same time, I'm calling our selection bullshit. Fair enough Tomlinson, back for another brief run before being turfed back to the suburban leagues, because he's a perfectly functional defender who should go somewhere and play every week if he's got any ambition. But what, at this death row stage of the season, was the point in picking Marty Hore? I'm all for keeping him for depth next year, but playing here seemed unnecessary to the untrained eye. He did nothing wrong in a backline that held the opposition to a low score and was let down by a lack of scoring at the other end (*cries in Steven May*), but what was the point going hard on experience at one end of the ground when we were in full headless chicken mode at the other?
You won't be surprised that I could have also done without Billings, who was recalled when Bowey and Woewodin started shitting through the eye of a needle. I know they had to pretend we were still a live finals chance, but this was like when the Christmas Eve news tracks Santa's sleigh. And Salem was the least of our problems, but charging him back into the side when still shown as 1-2 weeks on the midweek injury report just in case we blew our big comeback was odd. And if you were a fringe player hoping to press their claim for the rest of the year.... stiff shit, Casey had the bye.
Our midfield is running on fumes, but as usual I'm saving all my Australian breakdancing team style vitriol for the forwards. Not personally, not really even as a unit, but just as a concept including players, coaches, and anybody else who's had a hand in us going backwards in the 12 months (+?) where it's been obvious that attack was our Achilles heel. After defaming his forward play all season I appreciated Petty's play up the ground, but like everyone else he turned into Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man when entering the 50. In the marking hierarchy, I still prefer simple contested marks on the wing to massive screamers that don't go anywhere, but will happily trade either for any sort of grab, arms in or out, in front of goal.
Because I had no expectation of winning, even when in front during the last quarter, it was painful watching anyone without the surname Pickett trying to craft an attack. Charlie Spargo was sitting on the bench holding crutches while dressed like a teenage skateboard hooligan and it's hard to see how he'd have been less effective. Fritsch may as well have chucked a sickie, JVR is cooked after a season of trying to do everything on his own, Turner played like somebody who has spent a fortnight with thumb inserted on the bench, and none of Chandler's best work involved scoring. Meanwhile, Melksham is the most experienced of the lot and was relegated to the bench after a crap game last week. Imagine being the one forward on the Melbourne list who gets the boot after an off day, you'd be delivering Petracca-esque feedback in the review. Result - narrow defeat with our equal second lowest score of the season.
Due to this season dragging along at glacial pace I barely remember what happened when we beat them at the start of the year. Windsor kicked a nice goal, it was close, some mutants yelled at players over the fence. No doubt much comedy was had at Port being sponsored by GFG. Now many think those first and last letters stand for 'Get' and 'Goodwin'. I'm still clinging to him being a victim of circumstance so I can try approaching 2025 with some hope. I've enjoyed occasionally driving teams crazy over the years but am ready to tip tables if we're still trying to win games like this next year. You can't produce key forwards from thin air, but there's got to be untried alternatives.
There might have been something left for us this season if we won by 232 points, but as we're currently struggling to score that much in a month this fiasco wasn't worth emotionally investing in. Many fans shared that view and collectively decided they had something better to do. Can't blame them, I did my bit for lost causes at the Giants game and might have gone to this if it was played in a 5km radius of my house but on this particular night... no. I've done the hard yards (refer archives), and will not be shamed about turning this golden opportunity down after missing out on plenty of quality wins over the last few years.
Who knows if 90s Week convinced anyone to show up (especially when it was constantly with our 1980s logo), but the only reason there was a slight bump on the GWS crowd was because Port have fans. Not many though, and their handful + our handful = another cavernously empty MCG as a gift to neutrals who think they're funny. Everybody wins when Channel 7 refuse to let us play on Saturday night next year.
While I barely have enough respect for this game to acknowledge its existence (and one of the remaining games could easily get the Round 21, 2009 treatment), the competitive margin meant we had multiple good players for the first time in weeks. Not enough, but given some of my struggles to fill the votes recently I'll take it. The leader of the pack, in all senses, was again Max Gawn. He should have already been on long service leave instead of trying to find life where there was none, but tried his heart out to make something happen. Jack Viney could also do with a rest after years of lobbing himself into contests like a madman, and after weeks of his disposals flying off in random direction he should be acknowledged for having a massive go at keeping a sinking ship afloat. And then there's Pickett, who I don't want to rest because we might score 1.6.12 without him.
I won't say this game went exactly as expected because we didn't concede six goals in the first eight minutes, but if you'd told me we'd have the better of the early stages with the ball regularly at our end I'd have guessed we'd lose somehow. Port's backline is ripe for plundering, and they'll probably go on to lose a Preliminary Final by 76 points, but they got a glorified training session here. If we'd won any of them would have been justified tipping a table and calling their teammates names, but that was sadly not required because we did everything humanely possible to avoid kicking a winning score.
Even when we did get a set shot ANB (now completely forgotten by the media after three weeks of recognising him early in the year) shanked it like he'd been drinking from Tyson Stengle's water bottle. One of our seven measly goals came because Todd played 'rushed behind lottery' and hit it over the wrong side, and it really was painful viewing. I appreciate the holding back of tide that looked impossible against teams starting with F, and am desperate to look back at it in 12 months as a turning point, not a far from heroic last stand.
When our early attack fizzed out to nothing and Port responded by going *fwang* in the other direction I'd have bet heavily on another death by uncontrollable run of goals. But we stayed very close, even occasionally in front. I'm not rude enough to say 'too little', but certainly 'too late'.
For about 48 hours the highlight of the evening was the return to club life of Christian Petracca, but apparently he didn't think much of grim defensive sludge either:
Melbourne superstar is disgruntled and unhappy with the club's direction, despite having five years to run on a lucrative deal. @tommorris32 #9News pic.twitter.com/onma3EOAqK
— 9News Melbourne (@9NewsMelb) August 12, 2024
Under the circumstances it would have been hilarious if we'd won but live by the sword etc... I was mostly paying attention but the second half is a blur. I remember a lot of rotten kicks landing in the unchallenged hands of defenders, and van Rooyen gradually becoming more frustrated until he was subbed and looked about to go Sizzle vs Footscray. Suggestion - let the kid play his role for four quarters without being dragged hither and yon because you flubbed recruiting a second ruck.
For the first time in league history most of the highlights involved video review. Early on McDonald marked the ball at the very last moment before it crossed the line, then there was a really weird one at the end that Port would have blown up about if beaten. The ball was stopped from going through for a point, but just as we were turning this stroke of luck into a kick straight to the opposition 30 metres out the goal umpire called for a review to check his hunch that it hadn't scored in the first place.
I assume if he was right they'd have just paid the mark and moved on, but the replay showed a behind and instead of defending a near certain kick on goal late in the fourth quarter we were free to go resume playing like a village team with 10 men at the back trying to hold Liverpool to a nil-all draw. It might have turned out better for us if they got the goal. I mean, we might have responded with a goal of our own from the middle. Stranger things have happened. Instead, the point that put them ahead was enough (+1 to remove the chance of a draw where nobody would have demanded extra time) because we didn't score again.
We've had as many losses by under a goal in this home and away season as last, but the difference is four wins by that method in 2023 vs one this year, against a side most recently seen losing to three goals in a minute against West Coast. For all the shit poured on last season it feels like a glory era when you think we only lost one game by over 20 points. And 2022 felt like a bit of toil at the time and has been wiped from history because of the tits up finals performances but on paper that was Melbourne 1956 compared to what was going on here.
As the result didn't have the slightest impact on our season or my life, I was free to be over it by the time the game ended. Which was about 15 seconds after I stopped watching. Then, after a night moaning about why we didn't have anyone who could take an overhead mark in the forward line, I turned onto the Gold Coast/Essendon game just in time to see the guy who was thieved from us by temporary draft rule changes not only taking the mark, but winning the game after the siren with his fourth goal. Chances are if we'd drafted him it'd still be Mac Time in the VFL every week, but as funny as it to be dragging the Bombers down with us this year, seeing that after a night of horrible forward entries felt like a massive pisstake.
2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Kysaiah Pickett
3 - Jack Viney
--- Multiple galaxies of daylight ---
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Alex Neal-Bullen
Apologies to Chandler, McVee and Salem
Leaderboard
Congratulations to Max on being confirmed outright winner of the Jakovich, I'm just sorry it had to happen under such lame circumstances. And though he may be nursing wrecked ribs, Steven May just needs to make sure his old mate Lever doesn't finish the year with back-to-back BOGs. Windsor is still holding on in the Rising Star, but is still vulnerable to somebody fixing him up in the dying moments. Just like Melbourne.
47 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year, WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
27 - Steven May (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
24 - Alex Neal-Bullen, Christian Petracca, Jack Viney
18 - Jake Lever, Kysaiah Pickett, Trent Rivers
16 - Clayton Oliver, Jacob van Rooyen
15 - Ed Langdon, Judd McVee
9 - Tom McDonald
6 - Harrison Petty, Christian Salem, Caleb Windsor (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
4 - Jack Billings, Bayley Fritsch, Tom Sparrow, Adam Tomlinson
3 - Jake Melksham, Daniel Turner
2 - Kade Chandler
1 - Jake Bowey, Blake Howes
Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
We're into an interactive experience so pick your own.
1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong
Next week
I've never been less enthused about suggesting changes because you know even if we do something half mad it won't be the half you want. Pick somebody, drop somebody, play somebody with gastro and see if what leaks from them is more or less offensive than our overall performance. We'll show up with the same side, expect another low-scoring slopfest and Gold Coast will win by enough that it multiplies with the Petracca story and causes people to go right off their tits.
IN: It
OUT: doesn't
LUCKY: matter
UNLUCKY: anymore, Fullarton.
Final thoughts
I am no longer thinking about finals. Here's to them all happening interstate and the Grand Final being sold to Panama.
"Even when we did get a set shot ANB (now completely forgotten by the media after three weeks of recognising him early in the year)"
ReplyDeleteAged like milk 🤣 (fuck me, wheels have fallen off at MFC hey)