The two most random elements in this sport are the bounce of the ball and Melbourne's final quarters. This year we've kicked token goals to dampen a thrashing, sludged out wins in second gear, comprehensively died in the arse, and put on more than one little too late mega comebacks. On Saturday night we got the last two combined, with the added bonus of already having tossed a four goal lead out the window earlier in the night.
Before tackling this review with all the intensity of a Melbourne midfielder at the centre bounce, condolences to all the spectacle fanatic journalists whose weekend was ruined by the putrid crowd. Sorry we subjected you to the horror of something that has no bearing on your life. Mock our fans for bailing out on the season like the fire alarm went off (especially against a team we've been hanging shit on for having no fans since day one), but hold the fake moral outrage and acting like we've sprayed cyanide into the water supply.
I had zero interest in leaving my very outer suburban home to freeze my nards off and watch a probable loss, but the perversity of seeing us play in a near-empty stadium was enough encouragement to show up. Expecting a much bigger margin, I gave my premium membership one last spin for the season (call now if you want to bet on a miracle and buy the rights to my guaranteed Grand Final ticket) and sat amongst what counted as 'the people', expecting tears, tantrums, and generally bad behaviour. Instead, we got a quarter that made it unnecessary, two quarters with the game on enough of a knife-edge to quell unrest, and half a quarter of comeback that people hopefully bought into. And they weren't even as upset as I'd expected across the other 12.5% of the game. Either everything's given up hope, or the crowd was reduced to such a core audience that we'd all seen so much worse over the years that this was just a blip in the lifelong collection of footy grievances.
The only time we've ever had a decent home crowd against GWS was the victory lap after making finals in 2018, but when it pissed down raining for half the day on Saturday I thought the race for my all-time lowest MCG crowd was on. The rain eased and the 13,004 of 2009 was beaten (relatively) comfortably, but unnecessarily arriving an hour before the game gave the impression that we might night top the famous Empty Stadium Match crowd against them at Docklands.
It looked bad, but contrary to what you've heard from whinging neutrals, the fabric of the game will survive us not drawing whatever crowd Melbourne vs GWS on a Saturday night is meant to get. Here's an idea, expel us from the league now and we can go and do more important things with our dignity intact before the introduction of wildcard games, in-season tournaments, and a lot of other American style wank.
The good news would be that we only just lost, if this was about 10 years ago and expectations were set to nil. In this case it was nearly fatal for the season, and pushed any hope I had off the edge of the cliff it had been teetering on since Freo dismantled us. It was a rare game with multiple comfortable leads blown, but the problem was we gave them three quarters to catch up, while they only offered 10 minutes. We didn't make it, and while on paper an unstoppable roll could begin next week I think only the most delusional glass totally full people can imagine us making finals, let alone doing damage. I'm going to keep watching because I've got no other setting, but you can pull the shutters down on 2024 so vigorously that the hinges fall off.
It's been a difficult year, not without some genuine highlights but largely like watching the 2023 Boring As Batshit version of Melbourne without as many wins to make it worthwhile. Now thanks to starting the year two players behind, injuries, form, and a flagrant disregard for picking players on form, we're all but stuffed a month from the finish line and nobody's particularly surprised. I'm hoping it's a single season 'victim of circumstances' dip, mainly because I need a few years to come to terms with the idea of plummeting back to the bottom of the ladder and starting all over again.
First instinct after an annoying but close loss, is to think how differently I'd be writing if we'd somehow pinched it. I've pondered this, and would like to suggest it would along the lines of "I'll take it, but *nervously adjusts collar*, and I'm still making alternative plans for September". The polite analysis would be how good it was to be four goals up at quarter time, but at the risk of being Captain Hindsight did it feel anything like a sustainable lead? I suppose we could have nicked a couple of goals early in the second and crushed their spirit, but they'd had plenty of opportunities to unlock the vault and walk straight into goal like Freo but blew it with one loose disposal. Everything was going to change if they got that right.
In the early minutes we were, and this won't come as a surprise if you've been watching, getting forward but not looking remotely like taking advantage. The answer to how they were going to fit all of Gawn, van Rooyen, Petty and Turner into the same side was to make Turner the sub. Probably better than starting them all, and you'd like to think that there would have been a mystery late change if the rain continued, but how do you justify ditching the guy who has kicked goals recently for the one whose encouraging last start performance only existed because Maximum wasn't around, and still contained no hint of a glorious key forward career. Petty wasn't terrible here, no worse than most of the others anyway, and who knows if Turner would have made a difference but I just don't understand how you pick option A over B for any reason other than reward for signing a new contract. Even if he wins the Coleman Medal next year I don't see how you could draw a line back to this year's selection and claim playing him every week has been justifed.
If it remained a low-scoring strugglefest there would have been less TV viewers than people in the crowd by quarter time, so with nothing on offer for purists Chandler had to walk the boundary like a tightrope before kicking the first. That was nice, but like so many times this year you've got to get some the traditional way eventually. Maybe this is rampant confirmation bias, but we never seem to have any space inside 50. Still, the goals kept coming as against the run of play as you can get while still scoring five of the first six. I've never met a comfortable quarter time margin yet, but was absolutely convinced we wouldn't be able to back this up. Didn't need to as long as we lost the remaining three quarters by slightly less than this combined.
I was all for getting the points through excruciating tedium. No issue to me if the difference to last week was that Freo had forwards who could get the ball in acres of space. GWS didn't have much beyond our old friend (for once not sarcastically) Jesse Hogan, who started by rolling back the years and taking solid leading marks on the wing then not having anyone to aim the next kick at. The Giants social media people tried to fire up some excitement by pretending we had an issue with Hogan, not realising we're unconcerned about every ex-Demon they've had with one exception. He even did us a favour by getting in the way of a teammate booting the ball through an otherwise unguarded goal. So far, so "thanks for your service, but I'll take Steven May winning a flag with his hammy in tatters". Spoiler - he makes up for it later.
After conceding the first couple, Fritsch got an actual steadier but our forward structure had spontaneously combusted again. Because it's always the hope that kills you I take no comfort at getting a lot closer than expected. It just didn't feel like a serious finals side would be playing Billings, Laurie, Moniz-Wakefield, Petty as a forward, and Woewodin in the same side, with Turner as a Schache in September style weird sub. None of them were disgraced, and nobody would have expected Bowey to have the run he did when entering the team in 2021, but having to play them all is too much of a disruption to the system. In pre-season posts I said the thing that most scared me about this year was an injury crisis, and other than Spargo playing once then never being seen again, we got away with it for a while. But between Petracca KIA, Gawn WIA and Brown MIA we've been on life support for a while and the doctors are now shaking their heads and searching for next of kin details.
The course of history may have been altered (temporarily anyway) if JVR hadn't missed a shot almost straight after their open goal obstruction blunder. Instead, we didn't kick another before half time and the Giants were now taking full advantage of having players dotted over the vast, open landscape. Not only couldn't we stop it, they were dragging Lever and May so far up the ground that both looked as likely to kick a goal as any of the actual forwards. Didn't help us when the ball the other way and a dozen kents were standing in line waiting for their number to be called.
Yet we remained 'in it' (actually, not really morally) until three quarter. It didn't help when Toby Greene goalled via throwing himself into a tackle human cannonball style, but it's hard to get offended after May's shenanigans against North. And good luck to Greene for getting in position to rort a free, we'd have already had the ball hoofed in the other direction never to be seen again.
You can wear take a couple of unlucky goals until scoring dries up at the other end, and by the last change we'd followed our encouraging but slightly unbelievable five goal opener with three more.
We've lost while being boring before, but usually there's a great individual performance you can emotionally rally around. I'm open to the idea of reloading for another go next year, but for now this felt like death. Even when we grabbed the lead back near three quarter time it felt like such a struggle to get anything done that you couldn't imagine outscoring them in the last. Then a few seconds later they were easily going out of the middle (get used to that), got the reply, and I may never have been flatter while being so close to a team higher on the ladder at that stage of a game.
One common denominator between 2013 GWS and 2024 Melbourne was a former premiership coach standing on the sidelines watching the best years of their coaching life slip away. In fairness to Goodwin, he had just spent three nights in hospital and was due to return for more treatment but I doubt anyone would have blamed him for doing like the majority of fans and staying home for the night. Sadly there was no chance of the long-awaited Choke Yourself With A Tie Coaches Melbourne scenario, and Andrew McQualter was next cab off the rank. I picture him looking over at the next bed and seeing Christian Petracca being wheeled out for his latest internal organ removal.
By now I was just happy to get a couple of goals to make sure it stopped them piling any more on, so when van Rooyen plucked a throw-in for one I wasn't really moved. Likewise when Chandler made it less than three kicks with seven minutes left. He was excited, and so he should have been, but it was all too little too late. Regardless of nearly pulling this off, and despite the final margin we didn't go anywhere near having a chance to win, I'd have bet on play stopped due acid rain before us coming back to win. The people around me were getting into it, as was their right, but I was still sitting there being a miserable bastard.
Remember the time Kynan Brown came off the bench to save the game with a massive tackle? Well, GWS didn't even bother to use their sub but there was another crucial run-down tackle in the middle of the ground. This time it was Neal-Bullen, nearly four quarters of hard running in, trying to work out which uninspiring target he could make it to, and being caught before he could make it somebody else's concern.
One fan went straight back to the MFC Frustration Archive and ranted about him being no good, which is a bit rude about one of the few players to improve this year but I'll treat it as a desparation whinge. Better than the dickhead who was trying to retire Gawn, who had made a pretty good effort of playing half dead. Experiment failed, not sitting people again without headphones again.
It wasn't until Pickett kicked the next one that I caved in and checked how much time was left. We didn't deserve to win, and it would have left a false impression about how sludgy this performance was, but I'd have taken it. Still didn't remotely believe it was going to happen, even when Neal-Bullen made the margin less than a kick. His snap raised the prospect of comedy theft. I was already refusing to get excited under the 'why has it come to this' rule, and the vigorous claims of defenders to have touched it + the Bullet's extensive history of losing to "they look at everything" reviews had me expecting it to be taken away. I wasn't convinced it would count until the game started again, about 0.5 seconds before we incinerated our best chance of snatching it.
If there was ever a time for somebody to get the ball from the middle, or at the very least hold it up for another stoppage, this was it. Instead Max hit it into a Demonless void and off it went down the GWS end. I'd been fatalistic about losing for 20 minutes but this made me crack the shits a bit. Maybe they were all expecting a do-over, after the umpires had been so bad at bouncing that one eventually got self-conscious and started throwing it up instead. I won't have any theories that we lost this due to umpires but a few of them were odd. One recalled a rare bounce that went pretty much straight up and both ruckmen were contesting, and there was a goal umpire overly keen on patrolling the square and trying to talk to players who had absolutely no interest in him. No idea if he was trying to make friends or issue vital instructions but either way he could have been threatening to burn their houses down and nobody would have reacted.
The quick forward entry worked in our favour this time, because the Giants didn't have enough time to create gaping holes and patiently wait for their turn at marking. We even escaped, and for the merest second looked like bursting down the other end and making it interesting. Then we didn't and time ran out, but it never should have been that close anyway.
Wouldn't have argued with a win, especially with almost every other result this weekend going against us, but it would only have prolonged the agony for another week. The season is stuffed, and the only way I'll can end it without being bitter is Collingwood and Essendon going down with us.
2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Clayton Oliver
4 - Jack Viney
3 - Trent Rivers
2 - Jake Lever
1 - Judd McVee
Apologies to anyone who turned up.
Leaderboard
Nothing says 'tedious end to the year' like the leaders missing out again. No change in anything except - fittingly - the mid-table spots. Blah. We haven't had a winner score less than 50 in a full length season since Oliver's 35 in 2017, and with an extra home and away game that's almost certain now.
37 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
27 - Steven May (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
23 - Alex Neal-Bullen, Christian Petracca
20 - Jake Lever, Jack Viney
16 - Trent Rivers
15 - Judd McVee
14 - Kysaiah Pickett
13 - Jacob van Rooyen
11 - Ed Langdon, Clayton Oliver
9 - Tom McDonald
6 - Caleb Windsor (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
4 - Jack Billings, Bayley Fritsch, Harrison Petty, Christian Salem, Tom Sparrow, Adam Tomlinson
3 - Jake Melksham, Daniel Turner
2 - Kade Chandler
1 - Blake Howes
Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
If somebody had plucked one from their arse at the end they'd have won by default, but instead the Chandler opener wins by default.
1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong
Crowd Watch
I'm not the target market for matchday entertainment, and haven't felt strongly about it since the great Match The Emoji incident, but was more outraged than the footy by the adult simpleton who horned in on the glory of the kid who was bringing the house down with air guitar antics.
Next week
Remember back to the glory days of Round 1B (Get stuffed Opening Round), when we needed a boost after the lifeless loss to Sydney and got it by treating Footscray like second rate citizens? Well via several ups and downs they're not much better off than us on the ladder, but have a far healthier percentage, better form, and will start heavy favourites to put us out of our misery next week. Casey kicked a shit score and lost, but they had the excuse of playing in actual bucketing round, at a ground with no sides. Kynan Brown only had seven tackles this time instead of 21 so they'll probably delist him on Tuesday morning. Otherwise, Sparrow did well but I'm satisfied leaving him out for another week won't kill us, Fullarton had a lot of touches but having not seen a cracker of the game I'll assume they didn't satisfy the requirements of the people who recruited him in the first place.
So, there's nobody I really want to pick and several who I'd drop willingly. I'm not even being wacky on Petty anymore, it's good that he's shown a bit of form the last few weeks but so has Turner and you can't have them both at the moment. Pick one, go with it, and if you're desperate to make them an Odd Couple style double act next year then you've got summer to a) show them how, and b) break the news gently to van Rooyen that he'll be doing it almost all on his own again in 2025. Change whatever you want, it won't help. Dogs by plenty.
IN: Turner, K. Brown
OUT: Billings, Petty (omit)
LUCKY: Laurie, Woewodin
UNLUCKY: Sparrow, Always Tomlinson.
The All New Bradbury Plan...
Is suspended because of our failure to participate.
Final thoughts
I've been a fool to hold onto hope of a miracle for so long. Never again. Back to total misery between January 1 and December 31. Unless we win next week, then I'll crumble like a hopeless addict and start wondering 'what if?' for a few more days until the next reality check arrives.
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