The loudest sound was barrels being scraped

Optimism has got me nowhere this season, but when offering to buy a ticket and take the ride for the remainder of 2024 I obviously missed the fine print about the next stop involving a crash landing. We pulled up enough to avoid the 'plane vs mountain' fatality that this looked like becoming at times, but it turns out that our last start debacle against the Dockers was no fluke. And the one before that, and the one that ended the greatest winning of streak of our lives.

Unlike the Ross Lyon torture era, this version of Freo doesn't get off on holding us to the lowest possible score, they're fine to concede a few token goals and balance the ledger with swashbuckling coast-to-coast moves that end with somebody booting one through an unguarded square. I've got no idea how we didn't lose by more when we defended across the ground like a poker machine that paid massive jackpots every few minutes. 

In another landmark for the 'feels like' score, it makes no sense that we got out of this several goals better off than Alice Springs but it's almost impossible to find highlights. Back then we had the false alarm start, and the even falser alarm of McDonald showing the forwards how things were done by kicking two goals. This was an experience completely devoid of joy, right down to finding out that Nathan Jones' role at Channel 7 is to represent the demographic of people who find Brian Taylor funny.

Sure we had a couple of token goalkicking runs when the game was long dead, and we kicked a score that's won us games in the last couple of years but otherwise this was the purest, drizzling sewage smelling misery that you'll ever get while improving on your margin of defeat from earlier in the season.

I certainly don't intend to go into any serious depth about this, because what is there to discuss except the opposition navigating around us so easily that they should be holding a Royal Commission about only kicking 17 goals. There's also the actual record-breaking pulverisation of a once great midfield. Talk about us lacking killer instinct, Troy's brother should be upset that they didn't turn this into like 186 part two. No team has had less clearances in a half since Champion Data started tracking the stat (and imagine some of the putrid operations that takes in?), and apparently what you can get away with in pissing rain, at home, against flaky side, doesn't translate to try weather and opposition tripping over their own feet at every opportunity.

This was one of those games that you could sense was going to be very bad very early. I'll be bringing Carlton 2024 up for years as an example of when we didn't play that badly but conceded a huge first quarter score, and this was the reverse. It's not quite right to say we were trailing in their dust from the first bounce, because we did have the first half-arsed inside 50 of the game. Like Brisbane all over again, the usual dickhead commentator declared how well we'd started within the 30 seconds, only for the other side to whop on a string of quick goals almost immediately after. I bet he's the sort of person to scoff at climate change when it's a touch chilly once in November.

From there the first quarter is a blur of Freo players returning everything we did like they were hitting the ball with pinball flippers. Our backline had an absolute nightmare, including Lever probably having his worst game for us since debut, but I'll give them credit for some heroic defensive acts against a barrage of attack. None of them rate in the default list of top players, but feel free to imagine what would have happened if some of the lesser lights of our past had been down there? Given how the midfield and forward line were doing, all this needed was Gillies and Terlich and it would have been the interstate 148.

In our last meeting the team who conceded two easy goals at the start nearly ended the day raising their bat, but that was blatantly no chance of happening again here. Remember how there was a bit in that game where Freo were going so easily into an open goal that they got a bit dazzled and stuffed it up? I think this was the four quarter equivalent, where they had so many free players running towards goal without an opponent that they didn't know which one to kick to. 

It defies all logic and good sense that we were only 21 points down at quarter time. At that stage I wasn't confident we'd even reach a total of 21, and unless a cyclone swept across the ground it wasn't going to become the sort of arm-wrestle slog that helped us win last week. Stranger things have happened to us, especially on this ground, but I'd have bet all my vital organs against a comeback unless a mass casualty event took half their side out. They lost one player to injury, but as he was a defender playing against a barely one-man forward line it made absolutely no difference whatsoever.

Even with the worst 'lowest tactical knowledge to word count' ratio in footy, I could tell that the ruck situation would be a debacle. Blind Freddy hasn't had this much of a run since Brock McLean spilt the tanking beans but it didn't need to be fatal. After all, haven't we come to the conclusion that hitouts are bullshit? Well yes, if they don't proceed directly to players running full pelt out of the contest with nobody in catching range. And we should know better than anyone that the true value of a ruckman is what they do around the ground. In that case, Freo had all of the above covered, with the added bonus of the guy who used to play for us doing enough forward to make you bitter and twisted that he chose a life of flying from one side of the country over staying here.

In one of the great pieces of unnecessary footy honesty, Goodwin later admitted that he was forced into this because "we haven't got a ruckman who will win hitouts when Max doesn't play". Which may be true, but does rather expose the minor flaw in their strategy of NOT RECRUITING SOMEBODY ELSE WHO CAN. What were you going to do if Gawn fell over in Round 3? I think it's justified applying the prefix 'Poor Old' to any mention of Tom Fullarton now, because after toiling away in the VFL all season he's not only been overlooked when Gawn was injured, but gets spoken about like the work experience kid. He did make the extended squad though, so can sleep comfortably knowing he was at least considered to be the patsy who got jumped over all day. I'm sure he'd have loved to play AFL again, but there had to be a moment mid-mauling where POTF was thinking "Shit, I've dodged a bullet here".

Where were the other great backup ruckmen of the Gawn era when we needed them? The Spencil, Braydon Preuss, Majak Daw, all surplus to requirements while the great man was going bananas but long gone by the time they'd be racking up free games galore. I'm not having this as an excuse to whinge about trading Grundy, because by the time he was required we'd have had four months of distraction as he toiled away on slagheap VFL grounds. Nobody is going to replace Gawn, but parking somebody who's done this before on the rookie list would have been a safeguard. The idea was there, because Scott Lycett passed a medical before either deciding he CBF, or we opted for the guy who not only apparently can't do hitouts but doesn't bring enough else to compensate. Remember when we lost a final to Brisbane with him in the team? Unfortunately I do, but still had NFI who he was until we traded for him. And may never find out more at this rate.

Instead, the poison chalice role largely went to Harrison Petty again, and he had as much of a go as possible on what was basically a sporting suicide mission. The result was exactly as you'd expect but when he wasn't been flogged in a job he's not trained in or suited for, this was one of his better games for the season. A couple of times he wandered into defence and did something that made me upset at how violently we've tried to ram square peg into round hole this year. Tom McDonald has done a bang up job as a backman this year, and did end 2023 looking unlikely to ever kick another goal but not even trying them in reverse once is a disservice to everyone. Now McDonald has a more experienced van Rooyen for company, and after a day where our backline was absolutely rooted it's never too early to start playing Petty where he belongs in preparation for when May eventually departs.

It should be noted that Petty did finally kick another goal, even if it started because he just happened to be in the right spot to mark a panic kick. But they all count, especially in a game like this. In one of the all-time weirdest contract extension reveals, the news of him staying came about 30 minutes after we'd finished being torn apart. Maybe he had a contract trigger that required converting one more set shot and he's been waiting to trigger it ever since the "we're back" Geelong game which was followed by the "oh, no we're not" games.

The prospect of a piss funny recovery was briefly on the cards when Windsor soccered a goal through to start the second quarter. It came after our first clearance, leaving us with the rare 100% clearance to goal efficiency. It was a nice finish, but showed how we had to rely on novelty goals because there was no chance of getting a real one. You can't question the intent of Melksham and Pickett, but what's the point if the ball can't get over halfway in the first place, and if they can't keep it then it'll be down the other end seconds later. This was a Microsoft-esque failing of The System in all parts of the ground.

Once things got a bit loose they let Chandler and van Rooyen kick a couple each - and I've got nothing but appreciation for JVR's efforts amongst a group that were playing like they'd been dragged into a sinkhole - but the rare times we got the ball over halfway there were similarities to Carlton counter-atacking us into oblivion. Related note - is it time to start worrying about Fritsch yet? He's had a few good games against lowly teams but shows none of the old ability to change a game on his own. The good news for him is that selection integrity doesn't exist in our forward line so he could pull out a deckchair in the goalsquare and not get dropped. And who are you going to replace him with anyway? Once the season is confirmed cactus they can bring in anyone from Shane McAdam to a randomly selected member for all I care.

If you thought the Windsor goal would change things, and I was just happy to have one on the board, you were sadly wrong. The beatings continued and morale did not improve. It was so ludicrously easy that I shot straight past anger and into acceptance. It's easy to say that after they rejected the invitation to flog us, and had we conceded the last 10 goals I might have returned to thermonuclear rage. That wasn't required, as we covered up the margin enough that even though everyone knows it was a putrid performance, it lacked the big bang that would leave all the heat on us. That might have helped, siege mentality is about the only thing that has inspired us all year.

Late in the second quarter JVR overcame the handicap of his teammates ceasing to exist and kicked two goals in a row. Somehow, despite nearly half a game running of around like headless chickens this had the margin well within range approaching the break and... oh never mind there's a Freo player running back into space and kicking a goal after the siren. Before that the margin was still only a comically generous 24 points but I still can't picture a scenario where we'd have overcome that margin. As shown in the second half we're capable of brief scoring sprees, the problem is conceding by the truckload when the ball goes the other way. Compare this to Brisbane, where we were jumped, but held together reasonably well defensively for the rest of the game. This was MFC Defensive Open Day with free gifts for anyone who showed up wearing purple.

It's fashionable to treat Simon Goodwin like Joe Biden, and he did a lot of standing around looking baffled after half time. When things were going tits up earlier Jake Lever took a mystery phone call from somebody else then went back to being jumped on, and whatever plan the old match committee came up with at half time didn't fare much better. Given the chance to reload and come at this from a different angle we lasted two minutes before handing them a goal, then another, both to somebody called Amiss. As her from Seinfeld said, something's missing alright.

During the week this page was described in the press as "part confessional", and I would like to confess to not giving a rats about the rest of this game. Of course I watched it, but was open to any distraction. Meanwhile Freo kept piling on goals with the greatest of ease and once they had four goals from five inside 50s it looked like the epic rooting they morally should have set up in the first quarter was now on the way.

Our performance was flatter than a plateful of piss to the point where I should outsource the votes to AI so the computer will be to blame. Nobody deserves a cracker, but against the odds old Resting Terrified Face himself Jack Billings was the most effective mid-disaster substitution since Matthew Bate escaped 186 with about 75 on him. It's like being in the top row of people getting buried alive but for time on ground he was one of our better players. I'd dispute his future value to the team, but thought I'd check in with Casey on Saturday and turned on to find them getting thrashed by a standalone side so replacements may be in short supply. So we're probably stuck with him, and for everyone's sake I hope he can have this much influence across full games.

The only way you'll ever get a genuine 'tactical' sub around here is during a thrashing, and of all the people who could have done with the withdrawal method, the sacrificial lamb was Tholstrup. He shouldn't feel bad about doing sod all after a few promising weeks, but clearly did because he was pictured cracking the shits on the bench. Good for him, he'd have been all fired up for a first game in his home state in front of family and friends, so being yanked out with the novelty size hook would have been a downer. I was all for the passion, despite Luke Darcy trying to play it up like a tear-jerking human interest story where he'd simultaneously been subbed out and diagnosed with polio.

Just when things looked like going full debacle we had our best period of the game, not kicking goals from a bunch of inside 50s but avoiding them being converted to warp speed scores at the other end. Eventually Chandler got two in a row, and Petty's goal at the end left us well within range of the most underserved comeback in two months. The difference is Carlton had to contend with a game-changing forward cameo from Christian Petracca, this time the cupboard was empty. I might have warmed to the prospect of something wacky happening if JVR converted his shot at the start of the last quarter, but after a few more minutes of fruitless, sad attack, Freo got what doesn't deserve to be called a steadier and were away again.

In a sad attempt to hold viewers until the news, the commentators were acting like the game was precariously in the balance while we were six goals down midway through the last quarter. No sensible person was falling for the idea that the Dockers could lose, especially the Dockers themselves, and they soon shut that rubbish down. We made it look a little better for the historical record with last minute junk time goals but there's no way to spin this performance as anything but a disaster. The missing players are an excuse for losing, not for being obliterated from one end of the ground to the other.

Somehow we're not at 'evacuation of Saigon' stage yet. Freo have dedicated themselves to beating us like we stole something at every opportunity but there's 16 other sides yet to join in so I'm holding onto the merest scrap of hope that a spark will go off at just the right time. With our luck this year it'll ignite a gas leak.

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jacob van Rooyen
4 - Ed Langdon
3 - Jack Billings
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Trent Rivers

Leaderboard
The dire situation at the top of the leaderboard continues, setting a new record where none of the top eight got a vote this week. Obviously no change in any awards, but if you'd like an indication of how weird this season has been - Billings, Petty and Tomlinson have had all sorts challenges this year but have ended up on the same total as Fritsch, Salem and Sparrow. What a time (for your season) to be (somewhat) alive.  

37 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
27 - Steven May (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
23 - Alex Neal-Bullen, Christian Petracca
18 - Jake Lever
16 - Jack Viney
14 - Judd McVee, Kysaiah Pickett
13 - Trent Rivers, Jacob van Rooyen
11 - Ed Langdon, Clayton Oliver
9 - Tom McDonald
6 - Caleb Windsor (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
4 - Jack Billings, Bayley Fritsch, Harrison Petty, Christian Salem, Tom Sparrow, Adam Tomlinson
3 - Jake Melksham, Daniel Turner
2 - Kade Chandler
1 - Blake Howes

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
By the most significant default of all time, it's Windsor off the ground in the second quarter. Good for him, but no change to the standings.   

1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong

Next week
First thought about playing GWS at home next week is that we should unleash selection hell and drop everyone. Then I remembered how Casey went, so perhaps not. However, the five minute man Kynan Brown sloshed his way to 24 tackles (!!!) so we'd be full arseholes not to reward that. Top eight side AFL midfielders aren't as easy to grab hold of, but just getting within the same area code would be a step up from Sunday. Team balance my hat, he can (indirectly) replace Salem, whose minor injury is a good smokescreen for giving him a week off after doing not much this season.

The midfield question is still relevant if Gawn comes back. He'll help guard against Mad Minute style express exits from stoppages, but pressure at ground level is still key. Not saying Brown is a starting midfielder at this extremely early stage of his career but another option would be good. And if Maximum doesn't come back then may god have mercy on us all. If GWS ruckman don't have the surname Preuss then I don't care, but this article tells me their incumbent is the only one in the competition better at getting the famous 'hard ball gets'. So forget not being able to win hitouts, just wait for him to grab it out of the air and jump on him. At which point seven players will be hanging off him as a handball lands with a teammate in acres of space, cartwheeling towards goal.

Assuming Gawn is fit, what does that mean for Petty? Even after this game there's no argument that Melksham has improved our forward line, and none of the usual key backmen is going anywhere. They're just going to jam him back inside the forward 50 and hope for the best aren't they? Bold strategy, let's see etc.. etc.. I understand there's no way he gets dropped after signing a new contract but if he's not playing as a backman I'm not interested.

There's a big difference to changes I want, and what I know will happen. See also the near certainty of Billings starting and Tholstrup either being sub or getting the arse.

Will assume we're going to lose so it doesn't come as a surprise. I'm expecting a family and friends crowd, but the ones who do turn up to crack the shits big time if this goes teet up.

IN: K. Brown, Gawn
OUT: Petty (omit), Salem (inj)
LUCKY: Bowey, Fritsch, Sparrow, Tholstrup
UNLUCKY: Poor Old Tom Fullarton, Tomlinson, Woewodin

The All New Bradbury Plan...
Almost tempted to shut the gate on this under the "if they're not trying, why should I?" rule. But if we'd only lost this game by a point there'd be none of that sooking so let's press on for another week. There's something in every game for Bradbury players, even if some are less likely than us winning a first quarter clearance.

Port Adelaide d. Carlton
North Melbourne d. Geelong
Brisbane d. Gold Coast (could be something for us the other way, but better to demoralise the team we've still got to play)
St. Kilda d. Essendon
West Coast d. Fremantle
Richmond d. Collingwood
Sydney d. Footscray
Adelaide d. Hawthorn

Final thoughts
Things aren't looking good for my much-vaunted Hollywood ending, but it could still happen. Time is running out for legal technicalities to get Joel Smith back in the side, and even if medical science/somebody realising they had their finger over the scan clears Angus Brayshaw to return we've filled his spot on the list, BUT still available angles include - the tearful May/Melksham reunion on the dais, Oliver winning the Norm Smith and Goodwin getting to do his speech this time. Now we've got an extra storyline to make the finish even more exciting, a Grand Final against Freo that everyone expects us to lose based on recent results, before we reinvigorate the spirit of Round 1, 2021, beat them on the MCG. 

I we'll get the chance to fade to black over footage of fans going berzerk before being invited to the Academy Awards, but just in case I'm putting it on record that the rights to the story in every format are mine.