The smaller the cult, the purer the devotion

If you ranked all 207 home and away games this season on excitement, hype, and anticipation, this was surely one of the seven. Some matches have it all, and some matches have:

• A lightly supported Victorian team
• Playing a home game at somebody else's stadium
• At 1pm on Mother's Day
• Against interstate opposition that hasn't fired a shot in years
• With theoretically no doubt about the result
• In front of fewer people than an ISIS Bride return

Other than obligatory interest from rusted-on nuffies, the only public attractions were our ever-present threat of having a slapstick crash against rotten opposition, and the opportunity for basic people to do "Maybe they'll sack the coach again after this LOL ROFL" comedy if we won by heaps. Which we didn't, so it's back to the traditional skiing and cheese gags for another week.

I quite enjoyed our empty stadium match against the Eagles last year, and not just as a palate cleanser after the dead-set abortion of a finish a week earlier. Sadly, this year there was no "we happy few" speeches and grumbling about having to sit close to people in a 3/4 empty stadium. It was the first time since Footscray '19 that I've been so close to a Docklands game without being inside. To say I was close enough to hear the roar of the crowd implies either of those things existed. It's better for everyone this way. Last time I rearranged my life to attend all Victorian games, we were pox for the next decade.

Because my nerves are entirely shot, I spent the build-up emotionally preparing for the worst. The other side had recently lost twice by 100+, scored under 45 as many times, and were just beaten by Richmond. God only knows who half their players were, and if Milan Murdock was an alias because they didn't have the rights to his real name, but I was on red alert for either an anonymous rookie or space-filling journeyman to have a day out. Or one of their many years' worth of top draft picks. Basically anyone. 

On our side, you had defensive mastermind Daniel Turner out of the selected side with illness, replaced by a returning Andy Moniz-Wakefield. Which was great news for Australia's Most-Wanted, but left me expecting to be plundered by some rookie tall forward who was leaving Western Australia for the first time in his life. In a world where Malcolm Rosas kicked 7.0 against us, then became Mr. Can't play Melbourne every week by ending his fortnight on 7.0, no option was off the table.

West Coast also has Bailey J. Williams, who brings up memories of Billy J. Smith treating whatever stupidity he was calling on It's A Knockout like the Olympic 100m sprint. It was the perfect opportunity for footy equivalent Dwayne Russell to get an early start, then head home for his post-match treadmill review session. I thought he'd invoke the spirit of 90s supermodels not getting out of bed for less than $10,000 and hold out for a more consequential game, but his first words on introduction were "Absolutely can't wait for this". No idea how the stadium wasn't evacuated after his pants caught fire.

Even if he couldn't say it, maybe he was hoping we'd kill off rubbish opposition from the first bounce for once, and he'd get to feast on the entrails. Sadly, that's not our style. In Goodfellas, they didn't wait for [Spoiler] to have a cup of tea before whacking him, it was straight through the door and one in the head. At Docklands, Jake Bowey was welcomed back by hospital handball in the middle of the ground, Pickett (K) ran into somebody's head, and the Eagles opened with a seven point play. Clickbait media speculation aside, it will be ultimate 'game's gone' stuff if he goes down for a light brush against the scone of a player who bounced back up and had six scoring shots.

After a series of comedy turnovers, and Pickett (L) having history's most hilariously unnecessary bounce in the forward pocket, it was enter Langford to say "lead, follow, or get out of the way" and respond via a quality contested mark/set shot combo. Hooray for all our recent top draftees, but he's the main event. Didn't do that much for the rest of the game, but is still ace.

I suggest the Eagles saw Sydney surgically handballing their way through us last week and decided to try the same thing. They missed the bit where you're supposed to eventually kick to a free player inside 50 at the end, handballing all the way to the forward pocket, before missing the last free man. This facilitated coast-to-coast action, kicked off by The Bounce King having another two when not strictly required. 

Despite my nervousness, it seemed as if we'd eventually wreck their spirit the longer the game went. Turns out the first quarter was as good as it got. If the AFL declared an emergency fifth quarter for spectacle purposes, we may have lost. But it's all about premiership points, and even if we'd won by 200 the percentage gains would probably be wiped out later by some idiots having an unexpected draw. 

What element of party there was, began with Cross getting justice at the ground where his namesake finished a storied AFL career half unconscious in front of 9000 people. His set shot glided home in the style of a plane landing without fuel. Cross then got another via a tremendous tackle on a player who tried his best to make it slip below the knees. The vice-like grip was so severe Cross wasn't even dislodged from his torso. Then one of the experienced players who's supposed to be propping their team up had a sook and gave away 50. This begat JVR's second straight from the middle, so maybe it was a touch premature to say "Here we go" after conceding first.

One more goal and the quarter time margin would've left the Eagles needing to pull off a perverse comeback. Little did we know then, but the best bit of the game was over. Both teams had half-chances before quarter time, but there were no more goals. Last year, the West Coast bench called for Stone Cold Steve Austin, this time, they held up what looked like a cutscene from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. I'm usually gimmick-friendly, but does any of this random sign nonsense help players, or do they have to spend the week studying code books to know whether a portrait of Archduke Franz Ferdinand is an instruction to shoot or not?

In the ranking of five goal first quarters, this beat conceding just as many last week. We were obviously the better side, but the less opportunity for the opposition to regain their joy of life, the better. The only excitement was the revelation that an Eagles player had done a "Scat test" during the break. Hope he washed his hands after. A close second was Jiath trying to get extra distance on a set shot and kicking it OOF so comically that it made him limp.

West Coast had plenty of inside 50s, but delivered them like drunk drivers trying to parallel park buses. Finally, we got to attack quickly and found the opposition spread thin for Steele and Gawn to raffle the goal in a way that you could easily see going horribly wrong. Then, a fast break from the middle ended in van Rooyen bouncing through an uncharacteristic snap that even he looked shocked about. 

It was on the verge of blowing out again, and Andrew McQualter obviously thought, "why didn't they play like this when I was there?" and stuck a player behind the ball, seemingly trying to protect a six goal deficit until half time. NFI what the point of that is for a developing side other than shielding your players from suffering another violent battering. Worked out alright for him, so what do I know. It briefly looked like backfiring, when first we stuffed up a chance because there were too many available options in attack, then all the hard work to sludge the game up went (temporarily) up in smoke when they gave away a goal from a 50. 

It turned out to be grand strategy, because they got an immediate reply, missed another shot from the subsequent centre clearance, then took advantage of us completely buggering up efforts to waste the last 30 seconds, so in the end the goal was worth -7 points. And there was nearly more, with the ball down their end at the siren.

If you'd offered me winning the second half by a point I'd probably have taken it, just to remove any discussion about potentially blowing a five goal lead. The late goals still wasted a quarter after we briefly looked like unleashing violence on the underprivileged. And conceding the first after half time wasn't much fun either. But in came van Rooyen, after Chandler suckered an opponent into doing a flying leap into thin air, then Sharp and Jefferson to restore the margin after the cursed 50. 

After holding up the game five minutes into the first quarter to decide whether a ball was propelled over the boundary line via legal disposal or not, there was an even more farcical review here. The Eagles cleared a ball off their own line, got a free in the forward pocket, then had to wait and see if the umpire was correct that it hadn't been a point in the first place. If the free wasn't paid, when were they going to stop play and review it? And if it was a point, the free would've been void, and we'd have been kicking in instead of them having a shot on goal.

Petty held Waterman well in the first half, but this was the first leg of a quick triple-header crime wave against him. Chandler let slip in the post-match interview that Petty had trained as a forward all week and was only defending because Turner dropped out. Which was weird. Anyway, the post-review shot missed, then Waterman charitably set up two opportunities for teammates who had previously kicked about 10 goals in 400 games combined.

The second guy converted, but it was worth nada due to being sandwiched between two of our goals. First, AMW doubled down on his surprise appearance with a first career major, before Chandler spelunked through traffic in a way that will make me confiscate children's pocket money if that's what it takes to fund his new contract. 

Kade, look how happy you were after Moniz-Wakefield's goal. Where else would you rather be? My advice is not to answer any phone calls from Alex Neal-Bullen until signing a new contract.

This set up a half chance that we'd belt away to a massive victory in the last quarter. Or, if you prefer, there's the alternative plan of letting them kick two goals and missing another because of a rotten set shot. The margin would still have been nearly five goals, but with plenty of time to go I'd have been getting flashbacks to you-know-what. 

Life wasn't meant to be easy, but unlike a certain dark July afternoon, a settler made sure there was no hint of allowing the chasers to get on a run. I know the opposition have been pus for years, but van Rooyen's fifth still prompts the question, "is that normal Rooing you're doing?" He's been up and down like the proverbial this year, but I'm happy he got to fill his boots in Mihocek's absence. There was a shot at a sixth, but by then I think even he'd had enough. It either just snuck in for a point or went out on the full. Can't remember, because by then I was only interested in getting to the siren without any further injuries. On a related note - during the week, I'll be hosting a telethon to wipe out the scourge of 'left big toe'.

Is this the most precise injury report of all time? pic.twitter.com/MwGPUSfJhu

— Adam 1.0 (@Demonblog) May 10, 2026

From there, we went into extended training drill mode and looked to the future by doing defensive shit instead of trying to play like the Harlem Globetrotters. That worked until Billy J. Smith played his joker and goalled after a big contested mark. Then it was time for full, landfill-grade junk time. The only remaining highlight was Gawn being ROBBED BLIND out of a mark at the end. I want an umpire to make that decision late in a close, important game to see if people come over the fence. Ask me when we lose in similar circumstances, but I'd still rather cop the odd bad guess from umpires than waste time with endless video reviews.

It didn't make a difference, but thumbs up to captain and coach for still taking things seriously this late in the day.  

pic.twitter.com/AFiUUtmKMP

— Emlyn Breese (@EmlynBreese) May 10, 2026

It reminded me of the Holy 17 winning streak's last gasp. A comfortable but uninspiring win, at Docklands, in May, against opposition prone to conceding big scores. This time West Coast played the role of North, there was no election on, and I didn't have COVID. Otherwise, practically the same. Which means we should get about five goals up next week before dying in the arse and having teammates punch on at a fancy French restaurant. 

Our total score was less than West Coast's losing margin against St Kilda, but never mind. Perhaps my theory that we'd be competitive against good sides, and wreck the league's flotsam/jetsam was complete shite. Wouldn't be the first time. We've proven good enough to beat top teams, but may still lack the killer instinct required to violently dismember strugglers. If we'd beaten Essendon, I might have been disappointed at not going on with this, but after that slopfest I'm just happy to avoid potential hazards and win games. 

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Ed Langdon
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Kade Chandler
2 - Jake Bowey
1 - Jack Steele

Apologies to Cross, Gawn, Heath, Lever, Petty (first half), Sparrow

Leaderboard
Little movement at the top, on the rare occasion that neither of the leaders scored a vote. Steele gets within two BOG of the lead, Bowey launches his Seecamp campaign, all other business as per last week.

25 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
20 - Kysaiah Pickett
15 - Jack Steele
12 - Tom Sparrow
10 - Ed Langdon
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
7 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
6 - Caleb Windsor
5 - Harvey Langford
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Jake Bowey, Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
A slightly more difficult task, with Hawthorn in the weird Saturday twilight slot. Technically, I should be able to go to this, but Demonblog Jr. Jr's birthday is the next day so fat fucking chance I'll get to leave the house. On paper, we should lose, but they did just draw with a bog average Collingwood and die en masse in the final minutes against Freo, so you never know. I've just come back to finish this bit of the post and found the unfinished sentence "It would be good", but have no idea where that thought was going. Choose your own answer from "if we gave them a scare", "to take another big scalp", or "not to let Jack Gunston turn the clock back to his glory days again".

In an attempt to provide sensible team selection suggestions, I tuned into the Casey game when they were 15-14 in front, only for Carlton B to score 143 of the next 163 points. All I took from it was a) Trent Rivers is still alive but has done something to his previously lovely hair resembling that time Britney Spears went bonkers, b) Kentfield kicked 2.4 of the 3.17, and c) Casey had somebody called 'Tahj De La Rue', which is one of the fanciest names you'll ever see, with bonus style points for aristocratically splitting the surname into three parts.

Whether or not there's a spot for Kentfield in our forward line now that Gawn is resting down there, I don't care. It's disappointing he's not still wearing the sinister mask even when not required, but time to give him a go. I'll also have Rivers just because. Jefferson hasn't been bad, but he just had two kicks in a game against West Coast so let's give somebody else a go. See also Laurie, who was ok other than one absolutely piss-streaked forward entry straight to a defender, but has had his turn. Still not convinced by Jiath, but everyone should get the chance to have a crack against their old side. And we all love Latrelle but he must be due for a rotation soon.

IN: Kentfield, Rivers, Turner
OUT: Jefferson, Laurie, Moniz-Wakefield (omit)
LUCKY: Jiath, L. Pickett
UNLUCKY: McDonald

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Top 'mon of the week is Moniz-Wakefield, joining diverse contenders like Pickett (L) and Marty Hore in being nominated for his first goal.

Final thoughts
Take the points. Revive Disco. Be happy that we avoided looking like buffoons again. Move on.

The Entertainers come unstuck

If you're going to get a surprise farewell present from your employer, Simon Goodwin's million dollar payout sure beats the usual trifecta of flowers, card, and awkward morning tea. Even better when the money funds a mid-career break, hanging out on the boundary line of the top team in the competition. In our first meeting with the only living MFC premiership coach, I'm sure Goodwin was more interested in getting a win with his new side than what his exes are up to, but must have been absolutely baffled to see us score 114 points and lose. That used to be good for a six goal win in his glory days. More familiar elements of our performance would've been mad panic bombing to a crowded forward line, a key defender thrashing Charlie Curnow before ending up on the losing side, and some random Kingsley kandidate running riot in a performance he'll never go close to repeating.

Ask me next Sunday how I feel about this result. I'm pleased at the way we ran it out just when it looked like the Swans were going to pile on 15 goals to nil, but the last time we had a game against a NSW side where you had to wait a week to play at Docklands and find out if the form was real, North beat us by 10 goals. So, if we do as expected against a team that's been losing games by a hundred points for fun, I'll admit this was a hard-fought, honourable defeat. If not, it won't matter because I'll be floating face down in Docklands Harbour.

There was a lot to like about this performance, especially after losing the great forward line straightener-upperer to injury early in the first quarter. But then there's also conceding 19.17 to a wide variety of players, many who were at the end of a production line of free men strung from one end of the ground to the other. But no need to be excessively sour, Sydney has achieved Geelong-style unflushable nugget status and bounced back from a down season to be good again. Bring back the shabby 2025 edition we beat so easily that Mrs. Petracca swore on TV (before they still won five more games). 

Adjusted for quality of opposition, that was Goodwin's last really good win as coach. Maybe his learnings and connection dossier came in handy for the Swans here? I'd like to think he was a bit downhearted at how many points we were conceding, but I blame the speed the ball went down there at, and all the uncontested possessions along the way. When we slowed them down enough to force contests the backmen were fine - and in the case of Turner, extremely good - but when we turned the ball over they were left trying to guard so many free players we should've called for a head count. 

In a week of trying to invoke the Spirit of '21 with an early season off-field purge, it was back to the recently much-loved 3.15 Sunday slot. Different CG, different result, but as if any of us expected to be involved in a top four clash at this (or any) point of the season. Now that I've got a taste for winning, I didn't like the alternative but appreciated fighting it out until the end.

For all the shit Kayo gets for being expensive and unreliable, I appreciated watching this game with one of the all time most sensible commentary teams. Ok, they called Fritsch "Fritz" all day, but otherwise until Jason Bennett's calling career is revived, I'll have Matt Hill and Corbin Middlemas every week. Often, you get one sensible commentator and one person who gives you the shits, but this was sensible people treating a decent game with the respect it deserved, while not trying to pretend it was an all-time classic. More of this combination please. I don't know how long Fox will keep doing its own broadcast, but going back to the likes of BT after this would be torture.   

Not that you'd ever know from the outside, but the ex-coach must've been having kittens at a five goal apiece first quarter. It was all very exciting stuff, with players bombing out of the middle like express trains, fast ball movement, and van Rooyen kicking an absolute belter of a snap from the pocket for our opening goal. Unfortunately, he went on to set what must be the all-time AFL record for the highest ratio of a player getting their hands to the ball without taking marks. We know he can do it, but is it time to start casting nervous sideways glances and wondering if he's ever going to be anything more than a handy forward? This became particularly relevant when Mihocek's hammy went early, leaving a JVR/Jeffo forward combination that I'm not sure van Rooyen was ready to be the senior partner in.

The injury meant Gawn spent a lot of time forward, which was a great opportunity for Max Heath to plant the flag as a solid prospect for the future. Replacing Max will be like when Matthew Knights had to follow Kevin Sheedy and all the Essendon fans were like: "Well, why aren't you winning premierships like he did?" about 10 minutes later, but he was really good here. Solid presence in the middle (and even when there was a communication error and he did a fancy backwards tap while everyone else was running forward, the tap was a thing of beauty) and very good around the ground. 

I'm glad we're able to give him solid development time, but in a case of 'be careful what you wish for', it means not playing Maximum to his full advantage when he's got plenty more to give. Not to mention that he's far more likely to suffer some horrendous injury after a tangle of limbs inside 50. I don't give a rat's if he gets another All-Australian because it won't be required to confirm his Hall of Fame status, but I'm torn between preparing for the post-Gawn era and wanting to see him hunting around the ground pulling down contested marks everywhere he goes. Reasonable problem to have, but for the love of all that is holy, on the tragic day when Max pulls up stumps, can the second ruckman be somebody who is primarily a forward but can ruck as well? 

Gawn did kick two goals, which was probably taken in some circles as justification that the plan to play him alongside Grundy could've worked. But while I appreciate Brodie's brief stay with us, and how he didn't chuck a plate of fingerfood when overlooked in a final for Schache to be an unused sub, imagine all the Max gold we'd have missed over the last couple of years if he'd spent much more time forward? Maybe he'd have given us a lifelong memory by kicking 9.14 one day, but trying to fit them both into one team was an odd idea. It's like signing the world's best goalkeepers and playing one of them as a striker for half the game. 

It was an odd but enthralling (for neutrals anyway) first quarter. At one point, Windsor cancelled their goal that cancelled our goal by flying out of the centre like a greyhound let loose from a trap, only for Sydney to cancel the cancellation of the cancellation. They looked far more likely to score when they got the ball, but so did Gold Coast a few weeks ago and look what we did to them? When Sharp got two in a minute (cue NBA Jam "he's heating up" sound effect), we were 14 points up, but it didn't feel sustainable. Enter, not for the last time, Malcolm Rosas Jr, who had four goals before the second quarter was 50% complete, and five by half-time. 

Unless Turnbull did something to us (NBN failure preventing last minute trade?), there's no way we've been done over this badly by somebody called Malcolm since Blight. And even his best was only eight, so this had disaster written all over it. He's only the second Malcolm ever to kick seven in a game, which is no surprise considering the name has been extinct for the last 40 years. I look forward to conceding bags of goals to Keith, Glenn, and Edmund before the end of the season. 

After overcoming Mihocek's absence to kick five in the opening quarter, we were back to 2022-2025 style inside 50 stodge. Finally, a long kick landed with Jefferson on the line and he narrowly avoided blooper reel celebrity status by remembering to take a step back before playing on and kicking the goal. I didn't love the rest of his game, but if we're going to be down a key forward for the next few weeks it's an opportunity for development on the go. Same with Laurie, who was better after half time than he has been so far this season, and Pickett (L), who is doing well for somebody barely out of the SANFL Reserves but needs about 40 more games before we work out how high his ceiling is.

We weren't helped by the Swans kicking set shots from every angle, but stiff shit if the opposition does that. Try to stop them from having the shots in the first place. Meanwhile all our forward entries were to a giant clump, followed by the ball usually going the other way at lightning speed. The phrase 'team defence' sounds like the worst footy cliche ever invented, but christ on a bike we could have done some of that here. I exclude Tom Sparrow from those comments, because he was excellent, and had 42 pressure acts. What is a pressure act? Who knows. Is it better than a one percenter? I think so. As far as I can tell the all-time record is somewhere around 50 so he was up there. I don't know if Jack Viney is coming back this year (if not, and if Campbell retires, we could be doing some zany mid-season drafting), but Sparrow has benefited hugely from Bradburying through our traded/injured midfield. 

We were hanging on by fingertips in the third quarter. Laurie kicked a nice one off the outside of his boot, which nearly set up another full-pelt Windsor goal out of the middle to keep us within range, but by now I was down to a "let's just not get thrashed" mindset. Then yer man Sparrow got one (NB: 'yer man' = good, 'your mate' = bad), Gawn followed, and we'd only lost the quarter by three points. Which was a lot better than it looked to the naked eye. 

Being an absolute poltroon, I had no expectation of launching a comeback. But for once we're interesting, and contributed to a 13 goal last quarter that made Sydney work for it. They started 23 points in front, and I'd have said no way we were going to get within 40 the way things were going but entertainment was provided right up to 6pm. Pickett (K) kicking a goal 20 seconds in made it worthwhile for neutrals to keep watching, but it looked like the big tonk was on again when left-of-your-screen specialist Rosas turned up for number six. But, even though everyone would have understood winding down at this point, we kept having a crack. Maybe Heath was injured/dead from all his efforts earlier in the game, but NFI why he spent the last 31 minutes on the bench. I'm all for Gawn taking over when required, but it had been working alright earlier in the game so I defer to the industry experts on this one.

Pickett (L) also got a goal, but not that you knew instantly, thanks to this game having the director who thinks he's Martin Scorsese and does a lot of unnecessary close-ups. He ran into the open goal and kicked over the lower third of the posts, leaving the poor bastards calling from a studio - and probably not even the same studio - waiting to find out what had happened. Channel 7 can waffle on about sending commentators to the ground, but I've come to terms with the Fox studio call, as long as they've got the vision to work off. This was quickly followed by Rosas getting #7, and if he doesn't send a thank you card to the MCG/AAMI Park/Casey Fields/Caulfield/Waverley/wherever we're based this week he's ungrateful. 

Now we were free to do whatever crazy shit we liked because the game was presumed lost. Like the old 'handoff to a defender for the long bomb' move that traditionally works about 7% of the time. This time, Turner channelled his anger about beating one of the league's best forwards and still losing into one of the most violent exhibitions of footy abuse you'll ever see. That didn't make it interesting yet, but van Rooyen's recovery from a dropped mark to snap cut the margin to three goals with time left, and stranger things have happened. 

When the TV showed Sydney only had three interchanges left with a few minutes to go, I hoped that might become relevant. Bit desperate, but that's how my deranged mind works. And it nearly did, because the remaining Sydney players looked like they'd just finished the Paris to Dakar on pushbike. Under the same circumstances, I could easily see a dud team collapsing in the last few minutes. And as Langford kicked one to make the margin two goals, maybe a good team was going to die in the arse as well? 

Sadly, they were not, but when we went straight back inside 50, I was open to pulling off the second draw of the weekend. As the comeback team we'd have had the all-important moral high ground of the shared points. Doesn't get you anything extra, but at least you end the game feeling like you've snatched two points instead of throwing them away. And extra time can GAGF.

If this was SwansBlog (and I think there was one at the same time I started in 2005. Well done to them for finding something better to do), I'd be talking about nearly losing my lunch when a rushed behind made the margin 11 points. Also, the post headline would be a 'Rose' related gag not already claimed by the papers. That was as close as we got. There was a moment where the ball was going towards van Rooyen and I thought he was about to pull off the "even if it's not your day it can be your moment" cliche, but no mark was forthcoming, we gave away a free, and the moment was lost. Somebody called 'Cootee' whose name would've been piss funny for primary school kids 30 years ago tried to keep us in it with some shite defending, but we couldn't take advantage. The way this game went, we were more likely to score from the ball getting to the middle of the ground then rebounding back to goal then plucking one from our fundament inside 50. 

And once they cleared the ball, that was it. We made sure of the result by giving away a 50 and certain goal at the other end. The free that started it was dubious, but Howes merrily played on - either not hearing the whistle or not believing it was a free in the first place, and they were off to the square to make absolutely certain of it. For unnecessary 50s that ended games we weren't going to win anyway, it couldn't beat Lever's odd twirling around in that Brisbane final. Don't suppose hearing the umpire's whistle was as much of an issue during the pre-season 'two minute drill' simulations played in front of 278 people.  

So, we lost. Which is not ideal, but the performance is enough to realise that a) as much as it will hurt to farewell the greatest player of this/possibly any generation, there's life after Gawn, and b) we could be quite good quite quickly if the defence around the ground is tightened up. Now that the real deal finals are down to six teams, I can't see us finishing that high on the ladder but there's a growing feeling that we're just the sort of team the Wildcard Wankfest was invented for. I'd love to be more dismissive of this, but finishing 10th or better would actually be quite good for the future, if we can turn the publicity into a lure for experienced free agents and trade targets to join the cause and address needs. 

Now, come back next week when I'll be doing a u-turn, moaning about us having missed the boat and suggesting we'll be relocated to Joondalup after Tasmania come in.   

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Tom Sparrow
4 - Daniel Turner
3 - Kysaiah Pickett
2 - Max Gawn
1 - Harry Sharp

Apologies to Heath, Howes, Sharp and Tholstrup.

Leaderboard
More votes for the top two, but Sparrow has burst into double figures and staked a claim for the outrageous comeback victory. And I was almost going to activate the Rising Star, before Heath missed the whole last quarter. 

25 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
20 - Kysaiah Pickett
14 - Jack Steele
12 - Tom Sparrow
7 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
6 - Caleb Windsor
5 - Kade Chandler, Ed Langdon, Harvey Langford
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
The lowest key fixture on our calendar strikes again, as it's off to Docklands to play misery era West Coast. Last year, we turned up for this game after a major disaster, pissed it in, then sacked the coach. I'm not calling anything in advance, but there's only one of those elements which has a chance of coming true. Mind you, we're in administrative assassination season so SKing might just have to look at somebody the wrong way to be handed a massive payout and sent on his way.

If there's any downside to Moosemania, it's that they might decide to stick with extended stints of Forward Gawn, thus negating the need to give the people what they want and debut Ken T. Field. After our difficulties in kicking to a forward's advantage in this game, I remind you that Ken's lone contribution to the pre-season, before being felled by a bionic elbow smash to the scone, was a great lead and mark straight up the middle of the forward 50. He should've debuted at the end of last year, and we've missed the chance to make the S&M mask famous but surely it's now Kent O'Clock.

After Bowey had to waste an extra week in the world's most pointless reserves competition I must have him back next week, and even if they're not a straight swap, it can be at the expense of Jiath, who I've been entirely uninspired by so far.

All I'm going to say about the potential result is that we should win by some margin 1+. The more the merrier, but I won't be surprised if King Harley Race and all their other top draftees decide to have a proper crack out of shame after losing to Richmond. If you accept we should start favourites and win, any chance of stomping on the Eagles in the first quarter instead of leaving the door open for a prospective shambles?

IN: Bowey, Kentfield
OUT: Mihocek (inj), Jiath (omit)
LUCKY: Laurie, L. Pickett
UNLUCKY: Moniz-Wakefield, Taylor

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Apologies to Laurie off the outside of the boot, and anything involving the Pickett family, but even if he did stuff all for the next two and a half quarters, you had to appreciate van Rooyen's snap in the first quarter. Pickett (Kysaiah) vs Carlton (Krap) still leads overall.

CE-No

Farewell then, Paul Guerra, we hardly knew ye. I have nothing sensible to add to the coverage of his surprise dismissal, but never got the chance to do a tenuous reference to him looking a bit like Gary Fogel before, and never will again.

When the news of Guerra's demise came in, it showed just how well I'd go in a totalitarian dictatorship. I thought "Oh well, they have their reasons I suppose", just like you would if the Stasi arrested your neighbours. Then, in a story featuring juicy leaks from gee I wonder where, it was suggested the CEO fell victim to the Caulfield pro-tunnel lobby, and now that we had something in common, I decided to believe he was hard done by. Some later 'golly, I wonder who let that out' reports pointed to hard feelings over the invitation list for a lunch, which, if true, could be the most farcical scenario involving our administration since someone found unpaid tax bills in the desk drawer.

I wonder if there was anything to him being turfed a year to the day after being hired? What chance we had a one year get out clause, botched the timing by not doing the axing a day earlier, and Guerra will end up alongside Brayshaw, Goodwin and Oliver in the MFC contract payout lounge. What he really needs is a lawyer with footy club experience.

The good news is that our rigorous search for a replacement stretched all the way to... the same building. His name is Dan, he currently works for Stan, and if he's got any commitment to gimmicks he'll release a five-year plan. But not yet, because he doesn't start until the end of the year - because that sort of arrangement obviously worked a treat for us last time. 

That's 2x interim CEOs and one interim President in the last two years, so lucky things are going relatively well on field, or we'd look like a bunch of tits. Apparently he was lined up two weeks earlier, which must've led to a lot of polite nodding and side-eyeing each other whenever Guerra was talking during that time.

Forget the Caulfield pipedream, the first challenge of the new boss will be to try and go a year without paying out somebody's contract. Save your cash for the tunnel fund.

Final thoughts
I still prefer this season to last, but I sense a shithouse end to it once injuries and fatigue kick in, so for god's sake please win the games you're supposed to now and let's hope these concerns are just me being a nervous viewer as usual.

Melbourne FC in 'win as favourites' shock

If strikethroughs on post titles worked, the word 'comfortably' would feature above. We ran away with this in the last quarter, and 10 minutes into the last quarter the only storyline left was Kysaiah Pickett's victory lap, but there were some ropey moments in the first 75% of the game. We'll find out next week if it matters. I'd say "you'll never beat good teams playing like this", but this was an encore to rumbling the reigning premier, so I've got even less idea than usual what's going on. Better to be in this situation at 5-2 than 2-5.

For those of you who are crusty enough to have owned Hotter Than Hell on VHS at some point in your life, we've now got the same record as the gold standard 'first year coach leads surprise revival' season 1998. We've come at it from a different angle, winning in the first game, then a couple of individual losses, instead of the five match winning streak that had us all saying words to the effect of "Blimey!" 

For the first time this year, we check in with the season predictions of our very good friends at AFL Live Ladders. They're still predicting an 11th place finish, which will come in handy for "I never wanted to be in your stupid wildcard game anyway" coping strategies. And just to show we don't have to play Collingwood to suffer last round disappointment at their hands, the anticipated ladder has them tipping us out of the wankfest on percentage. Could happen, but there's still a whole bunch of weird scenarios - good and bad - before then. For the authentic Spirit of '98 we'll need two putrid mid-season losses, before the feelgood factor returns with a big interstate victory.

After a stern reminder less than two weeks earlier about why it's mad to expect a Melbourne win against anybody, I enjoyed beating Brisbane on Monday, then went back to bulk-buying brown undies. Imagine following a team you could reasonably expect to beat up on underdogs. Not only has Geelong never won fewer than seven games in a season during my lifetime, they'd have turned up on Friday night and gone full [insert inappropriate war metaphor of your choice] on a winless opposition consisting of kids and glory era veterans clinging on for dear life. Yes, I know Geelong just lost to a duddish Port Adelaide, but when it happens to them it's a surprise.

I was not heartened when they lost a bunch of players to injury, then another from the selected side due to the imminent birth of his child. You could wheel any collection of AFL listed players out and I'd get the sweats. They don't even all need to be alive, park the coffin of Wilfred 'Chicken' Smallhorn in the forward pocket and I'd expect the ball to bounce straight off it and into the hands of an elderly Rochford Devenish-Meares standing on his own in the goalsquare six times.

There's nothing to be said for the pre-match commemorations because it's the same thing every year (please note: this is not a bad thing, no need for a cancellation), but on the subject of national anthems, have a crack at Algeria's, which is both musically jaunty and has the opening lines "We swear by the lightning that destroys, by the streams of generous blood being shed". There you go Tasmania, rip that off for a theme song. Stay tuned for more random anthem chat next year. And hopefully another cock and balls banner.

So, out came 23 men of Melbourne good and true, to defend their honour against a lot of players with numbers between 40 and 50, and a makeshift ruckman opposing Gawn almighty. And for the first few minutes they did as they liked. It's been a refreshingly long time since we've been winless after six rounds, but I've seen us start games in the same way. You stop the opposition getting their hand on the ball for a bit, rope yourself into thinking the Great Leap Forward has finally arrived, then normal service resumes when the better side starts to get a kick. 

We'd usually fold the tent much quicker than the Tigers did here, and for all the understandable "shouldn't we be better by now?" complaints from their fans, they've timed their run of being shit perfectly before Tasmania turn up with their Algerian-inspired song and stuff the draft up for a few years. Usually, I wouldn't care less if opposition sides caught fire and dropped dead, but I'm invested in Adem Yze's personal success. The Norm Smith style "Warm up elsewhere, then come back and win shitloads" scenario I was into last year is no longer valid, but of all senior coaches who used to play for us, I'd rather he succeed than Clarkson or Beveridge. Looks like they've drafted some shit hot talent, but you'd want to with the number of high selections they've had in recent years. 

You can't apply the same "I hope they do well, but the team loses" philosophy to coaches as beloved ex-players, but as long as it doesn't come at our expense, best of Albanian luck to him. After 12 straight losses, he's lucky that the evidence of him hanging shit on Dean Bailey in 2011 disappeared with his Twitter account.

At the start of 2021, I thought it would be 'Yze By Anzac Day' if we didn't get off to a good start. Then we chose the more pleasant timeline of winning nine in a row, finishing top of the ladder, and doing you know what on the greatest evening in the history of western civilisation. Now, for as long as he's in charge of Richmond, every year will be his chance to stitch us up before Anzac Day. It'll have to happen one day, as will a close game and a Richmond player winning the medal. But not this year.

Like a footy version of the Salvation Army, our men's team charitably dedicates itself to helping others through difficult times, so was anybody surprised when plummeted giant Richmond got off to a hot start? In the theme of the night - and season - centre bounces were a death or glory experience where it was a lottery about which team was going to clear the ball with the greatest of ease. You'd think in the case of Gawn vs Phil Inn, our man would leap like an Atlantic salmon and start a modern version of the time he had 80 hitouts in a VFL game but alas no. We had good midfielders - especially 80s cop show duo Sparrow and Steele - but it wasn't the equivalent of Jamar stuffing the ball down Moloney's throat 18 times in one afternoon that you may have hoped for.

Cue several minutes of bridge jumper negotiation-style reassurance to the Tigers that things weren't as bad as they looked, and there was still hope. I took the first two Richmond goals personally due to obscure connections to my favourite old man bands - first The Fa(u)ll, then the player named after the band, named after the dildo. Sandwiched in the middle was our first Umpiring Wheel of Fortune win of the night, as Jefferson was gently jostled right in front. When you make decent contests in the forward line, it increases the probability of random free kicks from the 0.0% of panic long bombs straight to a defender.

Opposition supporters can submit a comprehensive spreadsheet of the times they were jibbed to the Court of Arbitration for Sport. I still think unless the shit decisions happen right at the end you're still a hope of overcoming them if good enough. Doesn't help a young side, and while I'm in no way sorry for them, I do accept that we got lucky more often than not. But that's life so stiff shit. I'm sure the switchboard at Finey's Final Siren was in meltdown with claims of conspiracy, as if it wouldn't be better for the AFL if Richmond was successful, not us. It would help the crowd for this fixture, which dropped below 70k for the first time since 2021's pandemic-affected Nathan Jonestown Massacre.

The report on the AFL site goes full nuffy by saying "Richmond fans will also feel hard done by the free kick count, with Melbourne finishing with nine more free kicks than their opponents", as if the count was more important than where the frees happened. This is even more ludicrous if last disposal frees are included.

In the interests of fairness, probity, and keeping otherwise hapless opposition alive, van Rooyen missed a sitter from 25 metres directly in front. Better now than in the last quarter against Brisbane. Later, there was another case of LOLumpiring when Heath was halfway through complaining about a ruck free before realising he was getting it. He missed the shot, but looked a lot more comfortable at his day job than last week. And got free developmental opportunities courtesy of Gawn being kneed in the lower buttockal region in the second quarter, forcing us to bench him for longer than usual, then go forward for comedy value once the game was done.

Until proven otherwise, I'm claiming we've only had two players nicknamed 'Moose', so your updated all-time M(oose)FC leaderboard is:

* Heath, Max - 2
* Henwood, Wayne - 1

After years of winning/losing narrowly via defensive stodge, I can't come to terms with the idea that we might kick decent scores and go into full emotional turmoil when the opposition start moving the ball with ease. I'm sure allowing uncontested marks galore is part of the masterplan, but is there a way to get both goals and that short but wonderful era when opposition defenders looked up to see a brick wall of defenders ahead of them and lost the joy of life? 

And not to detract from the glory of this decent but quickly forgotten victory, but my rank amateur view is that we're a key defender short. Now, I'm not saying this should happen so, calm down, but if somebody had a long-term injury (*sob*, it's coming *sob*)/retired, could Steven May come back, considering he's still technically on our senior list? If it helps, replace his name with Mr. X and look at the same scenario.

In a worrying repeat of the Essendon shambles, it took until the last few minutes to finally impose ourselves as favourites. Except for the bit where Langford stuffed up a Gawn mark close to goal, as part of a quarter that was about as far as you could get from the highs of his BOG against the defending premier. I've got manly platonic love for him as a footy player, but he may have the worst footy moustache since Lynden Dunn.

Sparrow continued the form of his life by kicking a set shot (and every week he looks more like Todd Viney's lost son), before we gave that straight back out of the middle, and conceded two early in the second quarter. I was reaching for the "Get ready everybody, he's about to do something stupid" graphic, and when Langford was run down in front of goal while trying to baulk around Richmond's entire defence I was getting Gather Round PTSD.

Somebody called Ralphsmith (who the allegedly sensible Foxtel commentators kept calling 'Ralph Smith' in the style of Leon Celli) and that bloke who used to play for Casey kicked a goal. It seemed the Tigers were capable of overcoming the dastardly conspiracy against them. In a great piece of misdirection, a boundary umpire took the heat off deep state plotting by tripping over a grassy knoll and breaking his wrist. 

Because I think umpires are fine, upstanding members of the community who never put a foot wrong, I felt bad for the poor bastard standing there clutching at it in 90% discomfort, 10% embarrassment, over a million people having just seen him go arse over. Channel 7 kept showing David Rodan, but as the Fox commentators had no idea why, they had to awkwardly talk over it. I thought he was going to be called on to have a go at boundary umpiring, in the spirit of a suburban footy game where randoms are plucked from the crowd to umpire. Could watch their version of the replay to see what it was all about but I'd rather eat asbestos.

The real injury tragedy of the second quarter was Jai Culley's doing his knee. You get recovered from the scrap heap to play for the team you followed as a kid, establish a spot in the side just as things are starting to look up, then this. Apologies again for saying he was my new favourite player.  He'll be back next season, but we'll miss him and even if it's a part of the game blah blah blah I'm sad about it.

Culley's injury was a flat spot in an otherwise much improved quarter. After a few minutes of original recipe Pickett's usual riot running being curbed, he burst back into life with a turbo run and checkside goal. This was followed by Chandler doing one of the best kicks to a forward's advantage of all time for Langford, and Pickett getting another via high contact free that was quite *nervous adjustment of collar*.

When Mihocek added another, for once we weren't the team pissing off early for the half time break, and I thought that was probably it for Richmond. Then, in a cancellation of one whinge-worthy goal from a free, Pickett (L) got done for a high tackle after grabbing a guy around the upper torso. When the graphic showed the kicker had 0 goals from 18 games, I think we all knew the ball's next destination was straight through the middle. 

This was too much life in the contest for my liking, and when they got the first after the restart I said a phrase that ended in "s sake". Our response to this challenge was to play a few minutes of failed Hollywood football which would have been a lot better received if we didn't have a long history of botching it against lowly sides. You can raffle the worst moment between Fritsch's awful snap, Langford handballing over his head, and Fritsch's slightly less awful snap. We were saved by the Richmond player who failed to realise he was supposed to stand at a particular latitude/longitude on the mark, leading to a 50 and goal that calmed things down. Until they got a goal right after.

After his only previous goal of the season came from questionable circumstances, I was pleased to see Jefferson get a real one via a nice pack mark, then Pickett got one after end-to-end excitement and those of you who don't have a nervous condition were welcome to calm down slightly. With a four goal lead, a good record at finishing games this season, and opposition who were either young or old with nobody in between, I liked to think we were going to win but tried hard not to assume anything because that way lies madness.

I'm pleased to report that this time we did what the status of the teams suggested and had a trauma-free win. Nobody else got hurt, Gawn got to try his full range of set shot options (two), and it was time to stuff the premiership points up your jumper and leave casually.

In the last few minutes the game was deader than the proverbial nuts, but Pickett did his best to keep people watching until he won the medal by pulling down a screamer. Melksham against Gold Coast didn't even win Mark of the Week (probably because the start of the clip is a commentator blathering on with unrelated nonsense), so this might be our best chance of winning the award - for what that's worth. It was the best thing involving a player wearing #50 since the 2021 Grand Final. 

KOZZY PICKETT THAT'S AN OUTRAGEOUS MARK!!! 🤯 #AFLTigersDees pic.twitter.com/tzni966fZu

— AFL (@AFL) April 24, 2026

I'm the most miserable bastard on earth when it comes to big marks (and the less said about the following kick on goal the better), but how could you not enjoy Sking's joyful reaction?

It's easy to enjoy the finer things in life when you're nine goals up in the last minute but he deserves excitement for having this team miles ahead of where we expected to be at the start of the year. His greatest moment is still, by some distance, ringing up the bench just to yell "Fucking beautiful!"

I'm all for the combination of exuberance and success, but I'm turned off by comments like "it's good to see a coach showing passion", as if the last two years would've turned out differently if Simon Goodwin made obscene phone calls. Besides, that one time he did go off in the box, Stone Cold Craig Jennings looked like swatting him.

So what I'm saying, in a TL:DR summary that comes deep enough into the post to be irrelevant, is that things are going pretty well, thank god we didn't hire Buckley as coach, and once again I apologise wholeheartedly to Culley for cursing him with my support.

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Tom Sparrow
3 - Caleb Windsor
2 - Jack Steele
1 - Daniel Turner

Apologies to Chandler, Gawn, Howes, Lever and Sharp

Leaderboard
It's on at the top, as the 'Gawn Gets A Rest' era opens the door for the other guy you'll still be talking about on your deathbed. Pickett shuts the gap to just over one BOG, with Steele a clear third on the podium. There's still time for anyone down to Oscar Berry or [Mid-Season Draftee] to win, but it would need Gawn and Pickett to miss shitloads of games so let's not do that. 

In the minor categories, Turner takes the outright Seecamp lead, and if you think Max Heath is capable of closing a 23 vote gap on the greatest ruckman of all time he's now averaging 17 hitouts per game and is Stynes eligible. 'No Eligible Player' still ahead in the Rising Star.

23 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
17 - Kysaiah Pickett
14 - Jack Steele
7 - Tom Sparrow
6 - Caleb Windsor
5 - Kade Chandler, Ed Langdon, Harvey Langford
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup, Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek 
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever, Harry Sharp

Next week
As a tribute to the mercy killing of Opening Round, it's back to where it all began at the SCG. The only good thing about that night (other than being so boring we never got invited back to Round 1A again) was the all-time great Teammategami of Jack Billings and Josh Schache playing one MFC game together. As usual, reports of Sydney's demise have been premature and they're good again. We did our bit for footy in NSW by keeping Grundy warm for a year.

Somehow, we've only played five games at the SCG in a decade, and one was against Collingwood. According to my 2026 edition of the Big Book O' Footy Stereotypes, the ground dimensions will test our style. Except that it's only five metres narrower than the ground we've won 5/5 on this season. Maybe the real test was at the Adelaide Oval, which is 13m narrower than the SCG. Sydney also has one of the highest percentages of all-time at this point of the season so that might help them too.

Bowey survived his return at Casey so he's welcome back in at the first opportunity, and even though Moniz-Wakefield does a similar thing let's have both. Out goes Culley (*sob*), and after spending plenty of time whinging about Laurie not getting a go, he's had it and meh. He got better after the first quarter and is welcome back for another crack later in the season, but let's have something else. I'm happy for Taylor and L. Pickett to participate in a 'learn on the job scheme', though I still think the latter would do well to get his eye in by teeing off on some rubbish in the VFL. There's also an argument for McDonald coming in, because after Turner there's not much in reserve for key defenders.

Meanwhile, is Xavier Lindsay on the Trent Rivers mystery injury plan? Managed one week, doesn't play for Casey the next, surprise injury announcement when? In other injury news, there's still no answer to Harrison Petty's condition so he's not coming back this week. There has, however, been a breakthrough in Shane McAdam's permanent 2-3 weeks away saga. But only because he's now listed as 'TBC'. Tom Campbell is reportedly about to retire - joining Robert Campbell and Majak Daw as experienced ruckmen who were on our list without playing a game - what chance they come to an 'agreement' with McAdam as well? I'd like closure on whether he could ever make the distance from a 40m set shot, but otherwise what's the point? Have a payout, put your Achilles up and rest. I'm open to him coming back, kicking six in a final, and telling me to GAGF.

I watched Casey struggling to beat a glorified suburban team masquerading as Richmond VFL (except when somebody knocked the plug out and we got Teletext updates instead), and my key takeaway was that if we have mid-season drafting to do, could we please have Tairon Ah-Mu, because a) he's a massive unit, b) we'll have Roo, Moose and Mu, c) the perfect goal song already exists. 

I've got the same pre-match expectations as the Brisbane game, where we give a decent account of ourselves but fall short. A repeat of the actual result would be nice, and may force the lid into orbit. After that, we play West Coast, so your guess is as good as mine as to whether we'll win the first and lose the second, vice versa, or the dreaded OTHER.

IN: Bowey, Moniz-Wakefield
OUT: Culley (inj), Laurie (omit)
LUCKY: L. Pickett, Taylor
UNLUCKY: Henderson, McDonald

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Apologies to Windsor in the first quarter, and for the second consecutive week, a peach of a Mihocek set shot finishes on the podium BUT it would be downright stupid not to choose Pickett's curling, outside of the boot whatever the opposite of a snap is.

Final thoughts
I still don't know if this year is real, but it's far better than the previous 1.5. I'm flustered about our depth and expecting things to go tits up when injuries hit later in the year, but we're so far ahead of expectations that I may as well live in the now and enjoy it. See you next week for 'end is nigh' moaning and microwaving threats.

Brisbane runs afoul of an Irishman

There are plenty of things middle-aged men should avoid, and near the top of the list is pissbolting across a train station carpark and up a reasonably steep staircase to heroically leap onboard at the last minute because you've failed at timekeeping/failed to appreciate how packed the carpark would be due to free travel.

The result of this foolish attempt at acting young was a slips, trips, and falls near miss at the top step when my thigh nearly gave in, and once the elation of pulling off the big run subsided, 45 minutes of feeling like I was going to barf on the train. I bet this never happens to Harry Sharp.

It was not a pleasant feeling, and halfway through the trip I was sweating like Iggy Pop and ready to concede defeat. But, in the spirit of anybody vs Carlton 2026, I decided a last-ditch comeback was possible and carried on, with fellow commuters probably thinking I was a junkie suffering heavy gear withdrawal. The only way this Almost Amusing Personal Anecdote pays off is that if I'd pulled the pin like Melbourne at the end of a first half, I'd have cost myself the live view of a particularly memorable win. Not just holding on in a thriller or rumbling the 2x defending premiers, but most importantly, a return to winning thrillers after nine straight losses in games decided by less than 10 points. Probably a bit risky considering my fragile and elderly condition, but I'd have died happy.

Thanks to certain off-field changes, branding a game 'Craic In At The 'G' wasn't as risky as it might have been in the past. Same with having free entry for Irish and British passport holders, when in the past somebody would probably have turned up with an Ulster Volunteer Force flag and been kicked to death in the stands. Then, just when you thought partition-related entertainment would've been off the agenda, there was a half-time segment called 'Split The G'. Lucky the MCG doesn't have a branch of John Bull's Fish & Chips.

I didn't expect to win, because why would you after that slopfest last week, but at least there was something for those of us who moaned non-stop about a lack of innovation last year. Xavier Taylor debuted and looks like an excitingly angry player, Max Heath came in to draw level with Wayne Henwood for total MFC games played by somebody called 'Moose', while injury drama forced left-field manoeuvres like Fritsch on a wing and Langdon as the new Salem. As with any positional changes, let's see what happens when other teams are expecting it, but the Langdon one was very good. I thought it was his best game in ages.

If, like me, you thought we'd give a decent account of ourselves but lack the polish to rumble a proven good visiting Queensland team, Brisbane's first goal was right up your alley. We were going forward at a million miles an hour, looking for all the world like waltzing into the forward 50, when a Laurie/Langford handball/receive disaster jammed the brakes on, and ended up with Brisbane kicking the first. Langford took this early disappointment personally and went on to play a belter of a game. Almost as good as the one against Hawthorn last year, but this time with the bonus of contributing to a win.  

The Lang march (that's content specifically for the thousands of Chairman Mao fans who read) started when he kicked the reply. It started with the returning Jefferson taking a mark way down the ground, and came via Mihocek playing the role so badly missed in our forward line over the last couple of years by bringing the ball to ground in a marking contest. We still regularly punted the ball straight down Harris Andrews' gullet, but any interruptions to his Iron Dome intercepts were appreciated.

The crowd wasn't yet going off its collective tit for the post-goal Irish music and dancing, but even though it was played at 5x volume to the post-goal songs I didn't mind it as a one-off. At least this had a purpose, unlike [Player X's] favourite song being Slice Of Heaven. It worked for the occasion, but let's hope the club's key takeaway isn't "people love noisy entertainment, let's have more of it". 

Audience participation is not my go, so I was more excited by the reaction to the next goal, which started with the lesser of Pickett (L)'s goal assist passes, and ended with Sharp joyfully grabbing at the MFC jumper in 'FO Brisbane' fashion. If one of our exes did that, I'd complain about his lack of gratitude towards the team that gave him his chance in the AFL. But because he plays for us, and looks more like the singer of an 80s pop band every week, I'm into it. Brisbane's reaction was probably, "enjoy that, we've just won two flags". And rightly so.

The good times ended for a bit when Petty did one of those "look left, look right, kick it straight to an opposition player" defender cock-ups that always go down so badly. What will be forgotten, especially considering what happened later, is that he was really good between this moment and going down with surprise concussion late in the third quarter. But after a brief moment of "well, that's us done for the day" by cowards like me, there was life in the Sunday 3.15pm specialists yet. Just as I was internally defaming JVR for not getting to contests, he pulled down a big pack mark for his first.

Then Jefferson marked with further opportunities to put the wind up the Lions and... missed everything. He had a Petty-esque forward game, where all the good work was done up the ground rather than within scoring range. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you've got other forwards who can convert. Petty's 2025 campaign would have gone down a lot better if he'd been kicking into an attack that didn't consist of van Rooyen and thin air. This year, the literal void has been filled by Mihocek, who continues to make you ask how we expected to get away without an experienced key forward post-Ben Brown.

The ongoing downside to the new, improved, interesting Melbourne is that if we don't kick a goal or keep the ball at our end it's usually at the other a few seconds later, and after Jefferson missed the lot Brisbane got a late goal just to dampen down expectations a bit. This was all still very good, and it was happening without the usual aerial dominance of Gawn, who was more important at ground level for once, and couldn't do most of his usual centre bounce tricks and mid-air plucks against him previously from Essendon (who I had NFI was now with the Lions). 

The last time Gawn took zero marks in a win was 2018, when we beat Adelaide by 91 and Don Pyke went bonkers. I suppose we didn't need much getting out of jail against opposition in traffic cone mode. This was a completely different situation, where he was always in the right place and we were kicking it in his direction, but Brisbane had worked out that it was more sensible to spoil than try winning a marking contest. I suspect most coaches know that, they just don't have the players to pull it off, so it'll be back to Inspector Gadget-style arm extension and mark plucking before long. 

With the usual musical program suspended, I enjoyed the brief snippet of You Keep It All In by The Beautiful South at quarter time. God knows why an obscure (in this country anyway) 1989 song that includes the lyrics "When all I wanted to do was knife you in the heart" made it onto the MCG playlist, but it didn't last long before somebody realised it wasn't focused group approved and switched back to Highway To Hell. I hate the MCC for closing stands to save money, but I appreciated this and will be very much fan engaged if they keep playing bits of offbeat British songs from that period before going back to the usual tunes. Maybe it was a subliminal hint to our forwards to stop the ball escaping so easily?

Putting Heath in the ruck to start the second quarter was either a good start on developing somebody for the post-Gawn era, or a reaction to Andrews getting in the way of so many forward kicks. Like every other tricky move we've tried with our rucks since Luke Jackson legged it, this didn't work. The great Gawn was having enough trouble with the Brisbane rucks, so a fifth gamer couldn't be expected to do any better, and in the few minutes of this setup we barely got the ball forward to find out if Max would cause aerial nuisance. It wasn't a great debut, and from the opposite end of the ground I didn't realise he'd missed a chance at goal from the square, but we didn't get him in for short-term gain so let's have him break the Moose games record and see what happens. Also, if Sharp is the singer of an 80s band, I see Heath as the drummer.

After a busy first quarter, the dancers were given a break as we only kicked one goal. At the other end, the umpire missed van Rooyen being felt up by somebody with the sick name Zane Zakostelsky, only started paying attention when JVR counter grabbed him, guessed about the free kick, and sent the ball the other way for a goal. Otherwise, we were holding things together well before Brisbane adopted the Essendon plan of banging on three at the end of a half when we'd mentally gone for an early break. The last one was particularly egregious, involving a cross from the pocket to a ruckman standing on his own in the square.

I appreciated the way we were playing, but was preparing the old "you can't win games by kicking 8.8.56" whinge. Especially this year, when the higher scoring in opening rounds is holding up better than most seasons. Over a quarter of the way through (let's not think beyond the home and away season just yet) we're averaging 95 points a game. Which is nice. I don't want to check the average score against. We'll just put that down as the price of doing business in the 2026 AFL. Meanwhile, I don't hate the last touch disposal rule as much as I'd expected, but stopping the game for a few seconds at a time to do reviews is comical - all just because one team got dudded halfway through the last quarter of a game when there was still 10 minutes for them to win it properly. 

So, it looked like 'no Jake Melksham, no exciting wins against Brisbane', but just when you thought we'd carked it, the third quarter was an event. Seven goals, fans doing such vigorous jigging in the stands that it felt like they were about to collapse, and a reminder that after last week's shitshow there's still plenty to like about this team. It started with a fun free kick against, as Howes realised he was no chance of stopping his opponent marking so instead went for the most non-violent front on contact/arm choppage possible. I'd like to think this contributed to the shot from the free kick missing. 

Then, we went nuts on and off-field. By the time Steele put us back in front, the Irish jig was going right off. It helped to be kicking goals out the relative yin yang against a top team. The "where were you in '23" Mihocek tour continued with a lovely set shot, then an assist for the newly reforwarded Fritsch, whose play on from close range could have gone horribly wrong. We haven't seen this much fiddling around the AFL since (don't mention Lachie Neale's offseason - legal editor), Brisbane's trip to Las Vegas (well, that's a bit less specific). To encompass the full range of Irish cultural experiences, next year's dancing should be conducted under Fr. Noel Furlong rules:

Brisbane fans later had a teary about umpiring (as if their side won't come back to win a flag on the same ground in a few months), but a 50 to Fritsch for one of the goals was a masterclass in a player hoodwinking his way to success by making the most of contact. You'd set the seats on fire if we conceded a 50 in the same circumstances, but I'm not going to turn it down if they're offering.

We reached the last two minutes two goals up courtesy of Pickett (L) turning up to save us in defence, before the traditional weird Harrison Petty incident in a game against Brisbane. He marked on the last line of defence, shinned the ball straight to a Brisbane player, and before the guy sitting next to me (yes, it does happen voluntarily sometimes) had finished trying to drop him, the game was being stopped for Petty to depart with a mystery injury. 

I thought he must've been off-balance from the shanky kick and been hurt when landing, but then he walked off with trainers looking closer to chundering than me on the way to the game. On the replay he was rooted as soon as the ball came off the boot, and nobody has yet worked out where it came from. I bet Xavier Taylor didn't think his first game would involve looking after a teammate having a medical episode. 

Because the AFL and common sense are strangers, instead of taking the fastest route off the ground and down the race, he had to walk all the way to the bench, just to go back to about 20 metres from where he'd been standing in the first place. What about the Enemy At The Gates level long distance sniper job on Carlton at the end of this clip when they ask how good it was to see his teammates looking after him?

Speaking of concussions, by the time you read this Pickett might have been done for a bump that propelled a Brisbane player into Mihocek and caused concussion. After Western Australia nearly seceded when Melksham got away with the Buckets McGovern incident, so I bet they rub Pickett out to make a point. Then we'll lose the challenge because he'll be held liable for not using the 0.01 seconds available to consider that there was another player for the bumpee to rebound into.

Previous fourth quarter performances this year (let's just agree that Essendon didn't happen) suggested we'd give good value for our slender three quarter time lead, but after recent history of losing our mind at the end of close games I didn't fancy a thriller. Until we won, when it was confirmed retrospectively enjoyable. It didn't look good when our lead was wiped out within a minute, then we almost conceded again via a ludicrous series of turnovers which started with Windsor mistaking Gawn's "don't kick it to me" by kicking it to him, before Brisbane did their own horror turnover, which we reacted to by giving the ball straight back. Irish music off, circus music on. 

The farce level went up when their shot on goal fell short and was marked on the line for a quick play on and goal. Except it wasn't, because we had to wait for the review on whether he'd actually marked it. This was seriously cited by one Brisbane fan as an example of how badly they'd had it. What do they think is supposed to happen, you get to play on after what might not have been a mark and we'll just hold a retrospective video review? I'll take someone arguing this in the heat of the moment, but if you still think this a day later feel free to remove yourself from mainland Australia. It was a mark, and instead of kicking it from an angle in the pocket that hasn't troubled AFL players for years, Mr. X kicked backwards to somebody standing on his own... who missed the set shot. 

Their mood can't have been helped by us going the other way for Chandler to kick off the greatest five minutes of his career with some old school spelunking through traffic that ended in JVR discovering the best method for dealing with Harris Andrews' interceptions. Take a running start, jump high, stick knee into head and pull down a screamer. 

Then Chandler fever continued with him kicking the next two goals - one from a handy snap, and the other from a wonderful set shot. Even footy players who are just there for the money enjoy kicking goals, but he plays with an obvious actual enjoyment of the game that is very endearing and I'll miss if he does a free agency runner at the end of the year. He's now kicked three goals in a game eight times, and I put it to the experts - what's the record number of times a player's career best has been the same tally? I'll get you started with 18 - Fred Fanning (once).

The lead was now 15 points, but with more than enough time for a massive cock-up. We'd been threatening to give back goals out of the middle all day and finally did it after Chandler's second. Then JVR got on the end of a genius Pickett (L) squaring pass to restore a workable gap. More goal for goal action followed, including one where Langford was blocked when faced with a two-on-one in the square. I'll admit this was a bit soft but also completely unnecessary when Brisbane had the advantage.

This is where it all got a bit frightening. Would've been a nice time for a centre clearance, but instead Brisbane got a quick reply. We were still nine points in front so... oh Charlie Cameron's just cannoned out of the middle for Goal of the Year. That made it three points the difference with four minutes left and you can imagine what I was thinking when they lined up a set shot not long after. Go the full alleged Zac Butters about umpires all you want, but if this went through nobody would be compiling bullet point lists of alleged sinister decisions.

The last two minutes video is presented by Omo, and their services were nearly needed, because if we'd somehow conspired to lose from this spot I'd have metaphorically and possibly literally bled from every orifice. 

The highlight is obviously Gawn doing this, before Steele followed through (not in an Omo requiring sense) and pushed whichever Ashcroft over Max in the same way as when one kid crouches down and the other sends somebody plummeting over them. 

It would have been even better if we hadn't got the ball forward then all died en masse and left the Lions travelling in convoy towards goal. God bless Howes for interrupting a one-on-one marking contest in legal fashion this time, and Tholstrup for landing a clearing pass on Sparrow despite being flattened mid-kick. 

At this point I'd like to tell everyone who wants the five minute warning back to get stuffed. I don't need any more excitement in my life, and without access to the AFL app to make sure time was almost up I'd have gone to pieces. So when van Rooyen marked hard on the boundary, 50 metres out, with time almost expired I thought we were probably safe. Brisbane smartly didn't let him fake having a shot, then pass it after wasting 30 seconds. If he had to kick it towards goal, all we needed to do was make sure it didn't land right in the hands of you-know-who to launch a last-ditch attack. So guess exactly what happened.

With 26 seconds left, they could easily have paid a 50 against Mihocek for gratuitous hanging about and blocking of space post-mark. This would've taken Brisbane to the middle of the ground, and who knows what happens after that but it's not like they were robbed out of a kick from the square. I was expecting the ball to go straight up the middle and end in a goal. Only one of these things happened, but watching this video the phrase "Bayley Fritsch has gone behind the ball" would've scared the shit out of me after he was step-laddered at the end of the game we pledged to stop mentioning.

Fortunately there weren't another 18 seconds after the last ball-up, because the ball was heading towards Brisbane's goal and our players were sucking wind so hard the first five rows were in danger of dying from oxygen deprivation, but we held on and it was glorious. A joyous leap to my feet at the final siren was accompanied by the sort of headspin you usually only get after drinking three slabs, but nothing short of dropping dead could've ruined this occasion. Even some filthy animal vigorously dropping his guts on the train home wasn't enough to bring the mood down. This was further proof, as if needed, that my happy place is the MCG immediately after a Dees win. And may there be many more in our future.  

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Harvey Langford
4 - Kade Chandler
3 - Ed Langdon
2 - Daniel Turner
1 - Kysaiah Pickett

Apologies to Fritsch, Gawn, Lever, Mihocek, Petty (mid-disasters), Sparrow, Steele and van Rooyen

Leaderboard
Moose cometh, Max goeth, as the great man finally fails to poll in the 2026 game named after a ruckman. The good news for Gawn fanatics is that it only cost him one point in the three-man race for gold. After the brief Howes outright run at the top of the Seecamp standings, Turner arrives to grab a share of the lead, while there's still no sign of a breakthrough in the Rising Star. A reminder that Heath is eligible due to only playing four league games before joining us.

23 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
13 - Jack Steele
12 - Kysaiah Pickett
5 - Kade Chandler, Ed Langdon, Harvey Langford
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Tom Sparrow, Koltyn Tholstrup, Caleb Windsor
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, (JOINT LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Daniel Turner (JOINT LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever, Harry Sharp

Next week
It's a winless Richmond in a state of disarray, so god help us all if there's another Gather Round-style fiasco. I like to think the Essendon result was an Adelaide Oval thing, now we've found the MCG spot, nothing can stop us. I'm not greedy, a nice, comfortable win by a free and fair margin will do just fine thanks.

The most pressing selection issue is the Petty replacement. If we were 1-5, I'd say go for the future and save Jed Adams from the one game club but I've got full season It's The Hope That Kills You Syndrome and want McDonald instead. I know he was average against Essendon and you've got to move on eventually etc... etc... but maybe teammates could help by not letting the ball go down there at lightning speed?

One press conference I'll always make time for is Cheery Steven King after a win. He flagged potential changes due the short break, but given Casey also played on Sunday I don't know that helps unless a) somebody got rested halfway through the reserves game, b) they parachute a player in from nowhere, c) we just assume that anyone who hasn't played a senior game yet is well rested due to the VFL taking a week off whenever it suits them. 

Based on not watching a second of the Casey game (mainly because the live streams on the AFL website still don't work on my phone), and the stats not showing time on ground, finding out if anybody was parked halfway through to the game to keep them fresh would require research that I'm not prepared to do. Pick pretty much whoever you want, but can we not tempt fate with mad selections just because the opposition lost to North by 75 points?

Other than Lindsay being 'managed' this week, and Johnson who was (I assume) the carryover emergency, there's not a lot of depth if people keep getting injured. Casey's AFL listed players were Adams, Cross, Henderson, Kentfield, Matthews, McSizzle, Mentha, Moniz-Wakefield and Onley + Berry and White, who are in development mode. Nobody's going to adequately replace Pickett (K) if he gets rubbed out, but based on the risky practice of deciding everything on the stats, it looks like Henderson was the most midfieldish of alternatives.

Otherwise, I'll assume Lindsay's management period is over and he's coming back. Which is bad news for Laurie, who I don't want to throw in and out of the side every week, but he's had two full AFL games this year for not much return so with apologies he gets chucked. Cross didn't seem to do much but he was unlucky to get injured on debut, so I could see him getting a go as well. We should stick with Heath for a couple of weeks, but I see Kentfield was the Casey ruckman (albeit in a team that got walloped in hitouts) and even if he doesn't need the big plastic mask by the time he gets a game, can he just wear it for novelty value anyway? 

In other news, the Trent Rivers welfare check storyline has been resolved. This week's injury report revealed he's got some sort of knee complaint. I might not be paying as close attention as earlier years, but that's the first I've heard of it. Best of British Irish luck to all involved. 

IN: Lindsay, McDonald
OUT: Laurie (omit), Petty (inj)
LUCKY: Heath, Jefferson (?)
UNLUCKY: Cross, Kentfield, Moniz-Wakefield

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
At one point it was the Mihocek set shot from a funky angle, but the Chandler one beat it for timing and context. Pickett (K) vs Carlton still leads overall.

Final thoughts
The odd fiasco will happen, but this team plays like kids who have transferred from a brutal military academy to a liberal 'do as you like' school. We'll find out which approach is better long term, but with the usual respect to our old coach bullshit we'd be anywhere near as interesting for fans and neutrals alike if they'd tried to carry on under the old method.

If you know, you know

Melbourne against a team on the verge of setting their worst losing streak in a history spanning three centuries - what could possibly go wrong? I'd love to get violently upset about this result, but as much as I tried to convince myself we wouldn't cock this game up, deep down I think we all feared a disaster. The only thing that should be gathered in this round are the tapes of this performance to be thrown down a mineshaft.

There's plenty of precedent for weird results against Essendon - we beat them while rubbish in 2012 and 2014, they did us in the next year just before James Hird 'disappeared', and again in 2016 while fielding a baffling array of ring-ins. None of that, or our pair of losses against the same opposition at the Adelaide Oval meant anything for the result of this game, but I was still on red alert.for a letdown after the joy of rumbling Gold Coast.

I don't know why they feel the need to wear retro jumpers for this bullshit round, but instead of the 2001 version (because who doesn't fondly remember going from a Grand Final to 11th?) we should've reintroduced the 2024-2025 Hertz design. After three wins off the back of reasonably high scores this was a throwback to when we had no earthly idea how to create goals. Many of the ones we did get could be considered 'highlights' if you're generous, but fat lot of good that is if you don't balance them with stodgy, bread and butter goals too. Meanwhile, the forward line of a side that hadn't won for about 46 weeks did as they liked.

I knew somebody was going to eventually plunder us this year, but did it really have to be the team on a 17 game losing streak? Better it happened at 3-1 rather than 1-3 (or worse), and it doesn't change my opinion that we're at best a midtable side playing for a spot in the consolation finals, but could you not just struggle to a too-close-for-comfort win this week, then collectively spill your bundles across the MCG next Sunday? Shouldn't think I'll be tuning in for any footy media this week, not even for the traditional 'fast forward to our bits'. There's no point, the focus will be rightly be on them, and there's no point drawing any grand conclusions about a team that goes from beating the top side one week to falling over against one only off the bottom of the beef stock/chicken stock/laughing stock league thanks to Carlton.

You can't beat a spot of confirmation bias, so when Foxtel finally cut away from North and Brisbane playing in a public park (tough luck if you wanted build-up to our game, Melksham going through the banner in his 250th etc...) to reveal it had been raining at the Adelaide Oval, I thought it was a bad sign. If our relative success so far has been built on adventurous attacking play, and there's enough exposed form for opposition coaches to be thinking about how to stop it, conditions that might work against a team quickly moving from one end to the other were not welcomed. Turns out this wasn't a problem for one of the competing sides. In fact, the anti-rain bias was misplaced because the best we looked all day was during second quarter showers. By the end, the only moisture came from people people pissing themselves laughing at our expense.       

I could've also done without the "Dees are back!" video package, which aged about as well as Fox Sports suggesting we were on the brink of a Brisbane 2024 style flag revival right before we went belly up in Alice Springs last year. Until we're confirmed good again, I'd rather be treated with contempt than people be nice about us.

After conceding the first goal in every game this year, it's incorrect to say the tone can be set from the first bounce,but in retrospect all you need to know about this game was demonstrated by Windsor storming out from the first centre bounce, then shanking a kick into the 50 that didn't even qualify as flatter than a plateful of piss. It didn't get much better for our forwards, who didn't get any decent quick forward entries and couldn't impose themselves when presented with aimless long bombs to a contest.

For the several dozenth time in my footy watching life, we were faced with opposition who just needed to be convinced that they were outmatched to throw in the towel and left a barn-sized door open with a flashing neon sign above reading "Don't give in, there is still hope". There was a let off when one of them did a perfect lead only to have the ball punted woefully over his head, but it was still a better passage of attacking play than practically everything we did. Eventually Essendon realised you didn't need laser passes to win, just wait for the opposition attacks to die a miserable death, then kick it to your choice of forwards in a one-on-one or standing on their own.

No point getting worried early when we haven't won a first quarter all season, but we made kicking goals look difficult in the opening minutes. They came from a Fritsch set shot from the boundary and Pickett (L) rolling one through from distance but there was always a sense that we were on the verge of conceding. But it was the same in the first quarter last week and that turned out fine against much better opposition, so obviously all you had to do was sit back and wait for us to go up a gear. It happened briefly in the second quarter, just enough to make you think we might have shaken off the early lethargy and were on the way to a comfortable win. Hadn't and weren't.  

Before then, the retro atmosphere continued with somebody called May doing a decisive spoil inside our defensive 50. This time it was one of the many Bombers forwards who had been living a life of misery before running into the AFL team most likely to give their bank account details to a scammer. The only one I'll accept being beaten by is Peter Wright, who is exactly the sort of equally competent ruckman/forward that we needed after Luke Jackson, rather than buying Grundy and wasting a year of his career because he was on sale.

Just as things started to look grim, there was a late reprieve when Harry Sharp continued his back from the dead tour. The end of the sub rule might have saved his career, but I think it made us try to desperately prop up Melksham in his milestone game after doing an ankle about one minute in. Being subbed out in the first quarter would not be the desired way to celebrate 250 hard fought games, but now we had the option to bring him back on, looking about 7% fit and not having the slightest impact on the game. Can't help bad luck, but it removed any chance of him strapping a malfunctioning forward line to his back and saying "let's get these bastards for injecting me with Mexican horse drugs". 

In Melksham's effective absence, nobody else had it in them to take charge in the forward line. We've already turned to playing Petty as a forward, and he did take a couple of really good contested marks but the usual criticisms of playing him down there applied. His best work is done outside goalscoring range, so what's the bloody point if there's nobody closer to goal who can take marks and kick goals? He did have one set shot from practically right in front, but missed so here's an old whinge rebooted for the new season - why don't we play McDonald forward when a) he's historically better at it, and b) Petty should have years of full time defending ahead of him, so he might as well get on with it.

The first half seemed like an unnecessary struggle, but compared to what happened later it was practically the 2021 Preliminary Final, right down to Gawn goalling via Pickett-esque crumb. That kicked off our best period of the game, but consistent with our horrible delivery inside 50 there's no way the Langdon kick that fell to Pickett (K) was meant to go there. Regardless, it was fair payment for the epic chase and tackle Pickett had just done in the middle of the ground. If we'd won I'd have watched that highlight on repeat until my eyes bled, but now it can go in the vault with all the fancy goals we kicked in this game that ended up counting for STUFF ALL because they weren't backed up by enough good old fashioned, as useful in the 2020s as the 1920s goals from marks.

Unless you're in the Cheer Squad and are committed to going to every game, anyone who supported Gather Round got what they deserved by paying to watch this. Including weather conditions that looked from one camera angle like the nicest day in the history of Adelaide, and from another like it was absolutely pissing down. By the time Sparrow got the next goal, via a smart pass from Fritsch, which allowed the commentators to unfairly defame him for alleged past crimes against teamwork, it was back to bright sunshine both literally and metaphorically. It came 

A few people got their back up about the commentators practically punting Essendon home, but go back and watch games where we won as massive underdogs and you'll find the same thing. You can't crack the shits just because this time we were the buffoons on the wrong side of the result. Be thankful that Fox put on what they thought was a B-grade commentary team but were actually quite sensible. Imagine the utter tripe that you'd have been subjected to if Dwayne Russell was involved. There must be an AI option to generate the audio of what he'd have sounded like so you can appreciate how comparatively calm and sensible this commentary was.

There'd have been no need for people to reach for things to get upset about (and keep that in mind later when I start discussing VFL scheduling) if we'd kept going until half time. That would've given Essendon enough to claim they were getting better while also getting the green light to pack it in during the second half. Sadly, the Bombers were not interested in politely accepting their club's outright record losing streak and kicked the next goal. But then we got two, one created by a quality tackle in the middle by Sharp, and a Pickett (K) play on that I thought was extremely optimistic but turned out to be rare genius.

It all started to go teet up when Gawn's first half domination in the centre bounces saw him grab the ball yet again, before we somehow allowed it to go the other way, where Essendon should've had the immediate reply. It looked more like our type of game now, but I was still nervy about being rumbled on the turnover. It's understandable to be caught out when an attacking raid goes wrong unexpectedly, but being carved up like a Christmas turkey from a kick-in after van Rooyen's rubbish set shot was inexcusable. Things might have turned out better if he'd kicked OOF, instead they went *BOING* down the other end, cut the gap to six, and went off with their tails unnecessarily up.

The only song I hate as much as Believe is the one where people are asked if they've heard about closing the god damn door, but it would've been an appropriate tune to pipe into the rooms during half time. We couldn't blame Essendon kicking miracle goals or getting controversial frees yet, it was just the genuine 50/50 game that you'd have expected before Essendon started the season like an East German hatchback.

When presented with dishevelled opposition who've been given a sniff of a breakthrough victory, one option is to boot their head in after half time with a few steadying goals. We went for Plan B, which involved them levelling the scores almost immediately. It came from a well-taken set shot that should probably have been advanced to the goalline after McSizzle all but yelled "Pay a dissent free against me you arsehole" at the umpire. Per games played, I reckon he's got away with berating more umpires than anyone since that rule came in. I hope the Freo player who once got done for cracking the shits at an umpire during Gather Round wasn't watching this or he'd have punted the TV in. I appreciate the passion, but there's about a 99% chance that the one time he does get pinched for going ballistic it'll be at the end of a close game.

Down the other end our forward line had gone into hiding. After Petty's miss he set up the next chance with another good mark, only for Steele to miss from even more right in front. We were doing everything possible to keep Essendon in this game, including JVR spilling marks in a way that would have St. Kilda fans calling Lifeline. Maybe he's only aroused by the prospect of hearing Rock The Casbah after goals, but since that alleged breakthrough performance in Round 1 van Rooyen has not been good.

The forwards were getting awful service but it doesn't mean they couldn't make something of it. Didn't help that Melksham was too broken to contribute. I know midfield Pickett has been a winner, but what about throwing him inside 50 during the third quarter and trying to introduce a bit of carnage? As it was, we gave the downtrodden Essendon defenders all the time and space they needed to transport the ball out of the backline with all the white-glove care of movers shifting the Mona Lisa.

Brief respite came from a Pickett family reunion, as (L) set up (K) for a snap, before I uttered an audible obscenity when it looked like Essendon cancelled it out from the next bounce. We were saved by a free in the contest, but went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like Tholstrup's horrendous job at pretending he had no option but to run straight out of bounds. Then, a kick from long distance and difficult angle turned into from square and directly in front after a 50 for Turner making feather-like contact with the torso of an opponent that was. 

This was the beginning of the end, and kicked off a few minutes that gave delusional people the chance to blame umpires for the loss. Yeah nah. Can't argue Lever getting away with a hold, then dragging the ball back in and giving away a free anyway, but you certainly can question the player being run down running into an open goal and getting away with a 'handball', only for Langdon to fresh-air his attempt to rush the subsequent kick over the line. Not a great moment in umpiring, but it's not their fault we got three goals up in the second quarter and failed to go on with it. There were plenty of shizen decisions last week too and we seemed to overcome that by being otherwise good. 

Now we were left having to chase a three goal deficit in the last quarter. Young teams have done stupider things than that, but instead of coming out firing and giving them something to think about we basically formed a 30 minute guard of honour congratulating Essendon for ending their miserable run. If had to lose I'm glad it was a mid-range thrashing, because I'd have been much more upset at launching a comeback and falling short.

If the first bounce told you everything you needed to know about this game, the runner-up in that category was Langdon trying to keep the ball alive inside 50, only for his tap to go straight to an Essendon player to clear the danger without us going anywhere near having a shot at goal. Then Chandler tried to run onto a high kick in the forward pocket and ended up in the crowd. He'd have done well to stay on that side of the fence because nothing on-field beyond this point was worth participating in. The Merrett snap from his arse was the final nail in the coffin, before they carried on like a deranged undertaker and banged a few more in. 

For anyone who can be bought off by highlights, Langford kicked a mad goal on the run from the boundary line but it was too late to have an impact. Out of protest at our performance, if it's nominated for Goal of the Year I'll vote for the other two contenders. Then there was Langdon nearly killing himself in a failed Kamikaze effort to stop a mark. Credit to him for trying to play the game out, but everyone else had given up so no need to get killed for a lost cause.

I don't object to losing, but I hate giving opposition fans lifelong happy memories. Fremantle fans have probably already forgotten about beating us in Round 2, but now there'll be Essendon fans going to their grave talking about the time they ended the streak. Also, losing to Brad Scott annoys me, but that's happened enough over the years that it's hardly a shock.

After accepting this result in sportsmanlike fashion, I got randomly upset about it for about an hour from 7pm. Then I realised that it makes no difference in the long run, and when you're in the weird Twilight Zone of neither contending nor rebuilding ups and downs will come unexpectedly. This is Essendon's day, and for the first and last time good luck to them, but even with everything we've been through since their previous win I'd still much rather our previous 18 games than theirs, even if the final one was a real piece of shit. 

Whether this is Essendon's turning point, or a North 2025 style false alarm doesn't matter a jot to us, what matters is if we took anything out of the debacle or not. In a week where Simon Goodwin was happy to see us doing well, we could do with a bit of the learnings and connection he used to go on about in press conferences. There's no need to quaff arsenic yet, but I don't think we're going to get any heartwarming clips of Steven King's post-match love-ins with the players this week. Go on, just pretend you hit the wrong button and post footage of him asking them"What the fuck was that?"  

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
The nature of the award is that the same number of votes are awarded for each game, but I don't think there's ever been a situation where the same players have occupied the top three positions in consecutive weeks but there's been such a gulf in quality of performances. But, somebody's got to get the votes so here we are.

5 - Max Gawn
4 - Jack Steele
3 - Kysaiah Pickett
2 - Blake Howes
1 - Daniel Turner

Reluctant apologies to Lever, Petty and Sharp

Leaderboard
Ok, so Max is so far ahead in the Stynes that it is 100%, definitely NOT MY FAULT if he gets injured after I call him provisional winner. In other news, Howes is now your leader in the Seecamp and I bet nobody saw that coming. Whether it's a good sign or not is open to interpretation. Still nothing in the Rising Star, further delaying the official launch of its new naming rights sponsor.

23 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
13 - Jack Steele
11 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Tom Sparrow, Koltyn Tholstrup, Caleb Windsor
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Ed Langdon, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek
1 - Kade Chandler, Jai Culley, Jake Lever, Harry Sharp, Daniel Turner

Next week
Now that the burden of hope has been lifted, it's safe to assume Brisbane will absolutely root us and appreciate anything better than that. I'd love to reward VFL form, but Casey had another bloody week off. This time for a state game AFL listed players aren't eligible for. Did we win? Does anyone seriously care? (Update - Fake Victoria d. Fake South Australia despite Fake Tom Scully kicking three). 

Feel free to play the game, just don't shut the league down for a week to do it. Cover the handful of absent players with Under 18 players and get on with it. Four teams have byes on either side of this week off in a league with an equal number of sides. Who are they running this competition for, and why don't AFL clubs blow up about it?

What this means is that we dropped Trent Rivers three weeks ago and didn't play him the one time Casey had a game. Nevertheless, he comes back to replace ankle injury victim Salem because I don't know who else to pick. Despite best efforts to pretend otherwise I'm also assuming Melksham's ankle is rooted, and if the solution to this dilemma is to play Petty forward again I'll complain on the internet. He goes back, McDonald goes out, and Kentfield gets to become the first VFL/AFL player ever to debut while dressed as the Phantom of the Opera. And after a week off, I'm back on the Max Heath bandwagon, because as much as Gawn is the greatest ruckman to have ever lived it's Round 5 and if we keep relying on him this heavily the great man will be dead by August. If you got Heath with the idea that he'd eventually replace Gawn then get on with the development program ASAP.

Good to have selection whinging back.

IN: Heath, Kentfield, Rivers
OUT: Melksham (inj), Salem (inj), McDonald (omit)
LUCKY: L. Pickett, van Rooyen
UNLUCKY: Anyone who wants to improve their career through the VFL

Next Year
I don't need to keep playing Essendon at the Adelaide Oval until we get a result, give us Generic Interstate Team at Norwood Oval instead. Still wouldn't travel to watch live if you paid me, but it'll be something different. 

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
For pleasing visual spectacle you'd say Langford, but for the first time ever context works against a contender for this award. I refuse to recognise anything good happening in the first quarter, so for the second time in three career goals the nomination goes to Latrelle Pickett. Now let us never speak of this cursed afternoon again. 

Administrative update
This site has been blocked on some work networks due to alleged gambling content. I assume this is caused by the pre-season award betting market post. We apologise for any inconvenience caused by your IT department being softcocks.

Final thoughts
Still not as bad as Sydney beating us after 26 losses in a row.