It's Sunday for the Sweet FA

When you play the non-stop, footy equivalent of the bus out of Speed, it's inevitable that you'll eventually run into traffic and blow up. When we were on two goals halfway through the second quarter, one from an instinctive snap, and the other via an opposition player doing something stupid, I was thinking 51% "get us back to the MCG", and 49%, "oh no, we've been rumbled". 

Then we did a Mad Minute-style dash to half time, had the lead deep in the last quarter, and probably should've won despite playing nowhere near our recent best. Didn't happen, and as we like to say around here, maybe don't go five goals behind in the first place. All this was done with our forward line reduced to late-Goodwin levels of futility, so there's something to be said for making a game of it. But you can't redeem that for premiership points. 

I'll save my frequent nervous breakdown sufferer points in case there's a similar result if there's something on the line when we play them in the last round. The Bradbury Plan is in disarray now that there's real finals and fake finals, but we'll tackle that after King's Birthday. For now, I'm putting myself in the hands of the AFL LiveLadders prediction of us finishing eighth. Remember when that used to be light years ahead of 10th? Now everyone gets a prize. Regrettably, this might come in handy for us.

In a farcical start, viewers missed the first 90 seconds because Fox/Kayo hadn't finished showing the unexpectedly high-scoring earlier game. It turns out that in a league where multiple matches are often played simultaneously, they couldn't switch the feed to the one you wanted to watch. Stiff shit if you wanted pre-match build-up, here's Chris Fagan looking baffled on the Brisbane bench. And for the GWS fan, stiff shit if you wanted to enjoy the afterglow of your highest ever score, here's Jake Bowey.

Our game started late in a half-arse way to buy enough time to save them, but the buffoons in charge of the coverage still couldn't manage it. For the first time ever, Dwayne Russell's "if you've just joined us" was relevant. Yes, you could just go on Channel 7 but it's the principle of a streaming service just playing what's on a particular channel, even if it's not what you wanted to stream.

Out of respect for the viewing audience, the teams politely combined to score 0.0 in the time lost. The delay actually worked in my favour because I had to watch the opening minutes via phone on my way to the ground. Via this method, I saw us do a lovely end-to-end move that ended with Petty missing a relative sitter. This was followed by three Footscray goals by the time I got to a seat. But we got one through Laurie just as I sat down, and as far as I was concerned, it was one goal to nil. 

The rest of the opening quarter featured plenty of chances, which died in the arse due to an old school malfunctioning forward line. Jefferson, Petty, and van Rooyen all look much more likely to mark/make a decent contest on the wing than inside 50. Which is ok if you've got somebody who can take grabs and kick goals ahead of them. And when they didn't mark, there was a dearth (!?) of players at ground level who looked like converting half chances. We've scored enough quick bursts of goals this year to prove it can be done, but the challenge is to string it out over four quarters more often.

I know I'm being a yellow-bellied coward by waiting for the promise of this season to be exposed as a lie, but Footscray's ball movement carving through us with handballs reminded me of the Sydney game. Any team capable of doing it would be mad not to against us. The backline held up well after those opening goals, but we'll give decent sides enough chances that it's 'score or die', and it looked like the latter early in the second quarter. There was no hint of glamour side status as we bumbled around, looking unlikely to mount any sort of decent score.

I was really hoping we'd win just so I could mock the umpiring without it coming off as sour grapes. I'm usually understanding about how hard this sport is to umpire, but this was a putrid exhibition in both directions, and I can't believe the final result wasn't decided by an all-time great howler. They had particular trouble with first half forward contests. See, for example, Turner getting done twice for fictional contact, then Petty being paid a holding free when he'd been hanging onto the other guy. Pair up with a Dogs fan and create your own shame file of all the other shit decisions, but they didn't cost us the game.

No arguments about the Petty freebie, it got us a third goal we didn't look like creating with conventional methods. The game seemed like a time capsule of all the attacking disappointment from our recent past. And there was the minor matter of the Bulldogs having just kicked four goals in a row. This should've been returned quickly down the other end, until a free in front of goal was reversed due to the heinous crime of a player mockingly patting his opponent on the head. The day I use the word 'woke' seriously, I'll immediately sign up for voluntary euthanasia, but come on, is this where we're at? 

It's not quite a soccer team getting the arse 48 games into their season because an intern hid behind a tree filming opponents on a mobile phone, but it's on the way. Meanwhile, remember when you couldn't crack the shits at an umpire after a decision? Lucky that rule has been forgotten, because our players do some great incredulous reactions. And that's with undisputed master of the genre Tom McSizzle in the reserves.  

Later, Jake Bowey had a ball stuck in his face by somebody improbably called 'Arthur' after being outmarked. Last time players were called Arthur you'd have been run out of the game for doing that, and possibly described as the ultimate insult, a "mug lair". Next thing, that will draw a free kick too. I say, let's have more of it. More head-patting, more ball-display, and as much non-violent ill-feeling between players as possible. Give the people what they want.

As offensive as I found the reversed free, it kicked off our best part of the game. It didn't have the savage qualities of the Mad Minute, but got us back in the game after things were looking dicey. Gawn started it with the best enormous man snap you'll ever see despite having just been poked in the eye. He's had so many digits jammed into his face over the years - for zero free kicks - that it'll be a miracle if he's not led into his Hall of Fame induction by a guide dog. Then, straight out of the middle, Langford got one, followed by Rivers after the siren. And things were looking a lot better than before the illegal head patting.

After turning up halfway through the first quarter, this was the point where I couldn't stand being around people any more and went home. So the goals weren't just good for getting us back in the game, they also made sure it didn't look like a sour grapes half-time exit because my team was getting thrashed. I put my phone on 'do not disturb', drove home, and picked up the game at about the same time the rest of you were watching us cock-up a lead late in the fourth quarter. 

Not only does Kayo struggle to provide the game you ask for, when you pick a game 'from start', the timeline scroll bar on a mobile is so precariously close to the 'Jump to Live' button that getting to the start of the third quarter had to be done with the care and precision of disarming a bomb. Then it was the full express watch, pressing +10 seconds at every stoppage, and skipping between goals and the restart. The lack of any time to relax, especially in a thriller, really gets your heart rate going. But not at first, when we conceded most of the early goals, and were almost back to the same place before the big first half finish.

For the second time, we were saved by a goal from a 50. Turner's finish made me wish we had one of him at either end. This game from a tremendous Bowey kick and playing on after a point, looking like he was running himself into trouble, then hitting Turner in the middle of the ground. On the basis of this, I would have Bowey hit a target off the half-back line to save my life. No pressure. When Sharp got another straight after, it was back on, even though we'd been outplayed for the quarter. Even when they got a late one, we responded immediately through Cross, and your good for neutrals/heart attack-inducing for everyone else grandstand finish was on the cards.

I thought we were a decent chance, especially having run out games well this year, but let's not overlook the fact that the Dogs had been a better side all day. Nothing to stop them from going to pieces in the final term, but they weren't going to cave just because we'd cut the margin from 33 to two. The pattern of being outplayed but getting away with it continued when they had all the early attack but conceded the first goal when old mate Arthur (views on being caught between the moon and New York City not recorded) dived on a ball in the square. Despite his disinterested standing on the mark, not even bothering to raise the arms, Sharp went as close as possible to missing from the pointest of point blank ranges.

After his return to form on the same ground a week ago, JVR was pox here. Yay for three contested marks, but he barely went near it inside 50. Then he finally gets a decent chance to put us back in front from a spot he'd usually kick it from with eyes closed and misses. Between him and Jefferson having peg-leg set shots and Fritsch blundering around adding nothing, it's a miracle we even reached a score that would've been above average last year.

Matt Hill is usually the sensible commentator, especially in partnership with Dwayne, but saying Lever was "rolling about on the ground" when he'd obviously knocked himself goofy landing from a megaspoil was a bit harsh. Firstly, we know you're watching on TV in a studio so you had the close-up of Lever looking like he was in Cloud Cuckoo Land. Secondly, for what purpose would he be rolling around recreationally on the Docklands surface?

After several frantic minutes without a goal, my big mistake was thinking that we might win after Langdon ambled into an open goal with not much time left. This ignored the evidence that we'd been defending grimly all quarter, and didn't have Lever, whose position was covered by the only tall forward who'd given a decent contest all day. For fans of storylines paying off/moral justice, the guy who'd been dudded for head-slapping kicked the goal that put the Dogs back in front, leaving us with not much time to get one back and win.

I nearly had an Ebola-esque liquification of bodily organs when it looked like Langford marked at the end. If there was ever time for Pickett to hush up the muppets booing him it'd have been by plucking a winning goal from his arse here. Alas it ended with the Dogs extracting the ball and pelting off on a time-draining run a'la Austin Wonaeamirri vs Brisbane 2009. Turns out the added bonus of going home early was the option to turn off with one second left and not have to see happy opposition people.

It wasn't the result we wanted, but near enough at well short of 100% capacity to keep alive the fantasy that this season might turn out ok. If we're going to keep trying to be The Entertainers, we've got to fix the forward line though. Not just the scoring, but retaining the ball down there and not letting the opposition rebound at warp-speed. Still, we've seen enough good this season to know that there's still plenty more fun to be had by the end of the year. So it goes. On to the next one.  

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Jake Bowey
3 - Max Gawn
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Harvey Langford

Apologies to Chandler, Jiath, Lever, Sparrow, Steele and Turner.

Leaderboard
Slight reduction of gap at the top, and after the recent Sparrow charge it's back to looking unlikely that anyone will run down the top two. No action in the minor categories BUT we did receive a midweek enquiry about Langdon's Seecamp eligibility due to his recent Salem-ish activities. The committee has met at a secret underground location and deemed the answer to be 'not yet'. They have also ruled, perhaps more controversially, that Petty is currently ineligible for the same award. More on these storylines in weeks to follow.

32 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
25 - Kysaiah Pickett
17 - Tom Sparrow
15 - Jack Steele
10 - Ed Langdon, Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
7 - Harvey Langford
6 - Jake Bowey, Caleb Windsor
4 - Harrison Petty
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
It's off to Alice Springs for the big Clayton Oliver reunion, where the money we get for transferring a home game there goes towards paying him to play against us. The Giants just kicked 14 goals to nil in a quarter against the reigning premiers

For the first time in weeks, Casey was on the right side of a first quarter slaughter. Other than the joy of Melksham running riot, and Moniz-Wakefield looking like a star, my other key takeaways were a) condolences to Oskar Baker for not getting the chance to fix up his old side in the seniors, b) Footscray player Del Amitri was a fitting tribute to the briefly relevant 90s band, c) they also had Stirling Phipps-Parson, which is the most MFC-sounding opposition player since Rochford Devenish-Meares. And isn't it good to get him back on after a couple of weeks?

With Lever a certain out due to his rolling around condition, I'll have Petty back just to crack open a spot for the much anticipated (since about Round 22 last year) debut of Ken T. Field. And AMW needs to be in the side, so as Laurie no longer has a 100% winning record, he may rotate out. And make your own selection of whether to chuck Jefferson or JVR for Melksham.

No earthly idea how we'll go. Based on factors including an opposition prone to violent mood swings, first time for KingBall on this ground, and the fear that it'll all go tits up for us if there's any rain, I'll tip a win.

IN: Kentfield, Melksham, Moniz-Wakefield
OUT: Jefferson, Laurie (omit), Lever (inj)
LUCKY: Heath, van Rooyen
UNLUCKY: Henderson, McDonald, L. Pickett

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
It must be the Gawn snap while he was still feeling the effects of having a finger jammed into his eye. Bonus points for absurdity, but not enough to take the clubhouse lead.

Final thoughts
Now that Carlton has won two in a row we'll hear all about how great the wildcard is for giving hope to fans of all teams etc... etc... It also makes results like this less consequential, which might be good for us now but I philosophically disagree with to the same degree as war crimes.