Stick a Hawk in the toaster

A record home crowd, continued mastery of the sport's most important ground, and sensible people in commemorative caps coming out ahead of grown adults in Reject Shop wizard hats. What's not to like?

Hopefully, this was a good enough follow-up for the people who were bitterly disappointed at not beating West Coast by 137 points last week. The usual footy maths calculations don't apply to this team. We'd all like to batter a down on their luck side in savage fashion, but I'm quite happy with going through the motions, then completing an eight premiership point play the next week. 

Hawthorn had key players missing at both ends, but that's life. If you're an alleged flag aspirant, you'll find somebody to replace them. Maybe they're not. Maybe we... Let's not get silly about things, but this was a very good win. At times it was unattractive, but when we got going, the excitement level was off the charts. I'm clamping the lid on because there's going to be a reality check somewhere along the way, but other than one obvious exception, this season has been '98 level enjoyable.

At this stage, I'd be willing to do an armed robbery if Steven King told me to, but what about responding to Hawthorn picking a bunch of tall forwards by sending Petty forward? This is about the 13th time he's switched ends in the last five years, and I've gone from loving it to despising it, with various degrees of grudging acceptance in between. 

Hawthorn's coaching staff missed the post-match interview last week where it was revealed he was meant to play forward, because this came as a Pearl Harbour-level surprise to their defenders. First he bobs up in a pack for the mark and goal, then he got the second via a snap that no converted premiership defender has the right to kick.

The fun slowed down for a bit after that, and in the first VFL/AFL game ever to feature a Calsher vs a Koltyn, the former missed a pair of set shots. Hawthorn finally got the second from an angle/distance within their range after Langdon got pinched holding the ball, then gave away a 50 by trying to launch his own video review challenge by telling the umpire to watch the big screen replay. The umpire responded by saying, "Yes, Ed, I would like to make another decision" and advancing the kick from hard on the boundary line to five metres out in the square. This was part of a first half where Langdon had a spectacular fall from being our best last week to looking like he'd only just taken up the sport.

I still don't believe our high scoring is real, and keep stressing that whenever the opposition kicks a goal, we're not going to be able to respond. But it keeps happening - except for whatever reason against a side on a 17 game losing streak. See, for instance, van Rooyen replying with a snap past two defenders who 95% of the time would've got at least one part of their body on it. From his reaction, I don't think JVR could believe it went through either.

Conceding the last goal and going to quarter time with scores level was unfortunate, but you could tell we were right up for it, and they were perhaps not. It wasn't just hanging around as nuisance value while kicking set shots as if drunk, like last year's corresponding fixture. There was a sense we were right in this, helped by the opening two goals of the second term. Suspicions of Hawthorn taking a casual attitude to the contest were helped by a set shot around the corner not making the distance from 25 metres out. But, this kicked off their best passage of the game, with two goals - including one end-to-end with a ripper of a finish from the boundary line. I think the FanFooty log sums the state of the game up more succinctly than I ever could:

Yes they had, and yes they were. But only until Mr. Main Event himself Harvey Langford turned up for a goal to restore the half time lead. It could've been even better had Jefferson not shanked a set shot after the siren, but I was willing to believe that this wasn't going to end in a fourth quarter implosion like last year.

Despite Jefferson's miss, this turned out to be his best game yet. To play amateur psychologist, I hope this was good for his confidence. He obviously has natural talent but looks like he doesn't believe he should be in this position. We've all been there, but not usually in front of 65,000 people. He got the first of the third quarter, kicking off a spot of madness where both Laurie and Langdon followed and built up a handy lead. It held, but not without brief challenges from the opposition, and a coach who looked as if he'd smash something through the wall if the cameras were turned off. 

They replied with two, then we got three, including the lowest percentage successful handoff in history, as Steele handballed to Fritsch running past him on the boundary side, and somehow it ended in a goal. This excited Fritsch so much that he later attempted to recreate the running goal from the opposite side pocket against Geelong in 2024, which was the last gasp of our era as a premiership-quality team before the rot set in. Didn't work as well. Nor did Pickett (L) trying to wrong-foot the opponent in front of him, forgetting there was another right behind him.

After all that, phrases like "here we go", and "isn't that bloody typical" were aired when Hawthorn got one with 90 seconds left. But your friend and mine, Langford was there for a reverse DemonTime reply, and good times were back on the agenda. 

Based on the season to date, we should've been good for a 20 point lead in the last quarter, but I was obviously not taking anything for granted. Indeed, I was metaphorically shitting myself at the prospect of leaving the door open. Enter the cheeriest man in footy, Kade Chandler, to roll through a long shot which took a kind bounce and briefly threatened to sit up perfectly for Petty to smash home off the ground. 

There was plenty of time left for a cock-up, but for the nervous viewer, this was the dictionary definition of a settler. Further settling was provided by the Hawks missing more gettable set shots, before Howes did a turbo run through the middle to set up Pickett (K) for a second and, realistically, we were home. I couldn't bring myself to see it that way, until Sparrow turned the next centre bounce into a Sharp goal, then there was some element of relaxation. The most comfortable person would be Sparrow's agent, who is sitting there watching the value of his next contract go up like a stock market boom.

And so it went on, ending for our purposes with Fritsch getting a conventional one after James Sicily realised the futility of fighting on and just let himself be tackled. The open questions are a) how will Steven King react when we have a few down weeks, and b) does the crowd still go boonta for Sweet Caroline after Harry Sharp kicks a goal while we're getting thrashed? May we never have to find out the answer to either. By the time Sharp put on two in the last quarter romp, even I had a positive view of that bloody song. 

It would've looked even better if we hadn't let in a couple of goals at the end, but you'd have to be a ruthlessly hard bastard to let that ruin your enjoyment of a rampant last term. This was a terrific result, both ugly and beautiful at times, but when the game was there to be won, we joyfully kicked quality opposition in the knackers. My refusal to go for the local team in 1988 has cost me a shitload of flags and assorted good times, but this was a rare occasion where it paid off. Added bonus - not having to wear toilet colours or a cheap wizard hat.     

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Tom Sparrow
4 - Max Gawn
3 - Daniel Turner
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Harvey Langford

Apologies to practically everyone else.

Leaderboard
Max is back, restoring his near two-BOG lead. The lost member of the Viney family, Sparrow is on his way to an inaugural podium finish, passing Steele for third. Before this year he only had 17 career votes total, equal with Byron Pickett and Clint Bizzell. Now he's one vote off passing Cale Morton. Christ, I've been doing this for a long time. In the minors, the Turner stranglehold on the Seecamp is tightening, and after Heath's Rising Star near miss in Sydney, we're still in 'no eligible player' territory. 

29 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
20 - Kysaiah Pickett
17 - Tom Sparrow
15 - Jack Steele
10 - Ed Langdon, Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
6 - Harvey Langford, Caleb Windsor
3 - Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Jake Bowey, Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Harrison Petty, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever

Next week
Back to the ground once known as Fortress Docklands to see if we can do over another team with 'West' in their name. Yes, it's time to reinstate a rivalry with the Bulldogs which burned brightly for about 12 months and nobody has given a rats about since. Mainly because we've been unwatchable for two years. Now glamour team status has arrived, and there should be proper interest in this. Let's not get too excited by them losing to Carlton. That's probably worse for us because now Beveridge will spend the week making players crawl under barbed wire with machine guns being fired over their heads, so they'll be right up for it.

Last week, I came into the Casey game when they were winning, and it ended in an epic pounding. This time they'd just conceded a 40 point quarter time lead and looked like being violated again, then held it together to lose by not much more. Key finding - St Kilda had a player called Billy McGee-Galimberti, which is the most improbable name since Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo. Otherwise nada. Amateur selection sleuths could point to Kentfield's two goals from three kicks. Not sure if that's a case for, or against picking him but it's probably not happening anyway. Could always play him as the 5% second ruck instead of Heath, which I base entirely on a game where he had one hitout.  

If Windsor has recovered from his case of left big toe, he's an automatic inclusion. In the other direction goes Latrelle, who we all love but just had two kicks at zero percent efficiency. If he was Latrelle Smith nobody would argue about it. Put your feet up for a week son. And I'll keep Laurie, who I'm not crazy about, but am willing to go with for a bit longer.

There shall be no Tom Campbell, who retired during the week after his earlier neck injury. He joins names like no relation Robert Campbell, Majak Daw, and Ezra Poyas in the hallowed MFC Hall of Experienced Recruits Who Never Played A Game. Not much of a tourist attraction that one, but we wish them well, and appreciate any contributions to the all-important MFC cause.

IN: Windsor
OUT: L. Pickett (omit)
LUCKY: Heath, Laurie
UNLUCKY: Kentfield, McDonald, Moniz-Wakefield

If this game was being played at the MCG I'd be semi-confident (almost the highest level I can get), but we can win at their place. There are some major Gather Round-level disappointments in our future (including the obligatory coming back to earth with a thud on Not Steven King's Birthday), but may they take a bit longer to turn up. Dees to either win, lose, or draw.

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
As Dr. Seuss would put it, Fritsch on the run was fun, but grading on the probability of the player involved kicking it, and general degree of difficulty (call it something like expected score), it must be the Petty snap. It's up there with the best of the season, but Pickett vs Carlton is still your overall leader.

Final thoughts
I've got no idea where this season ends up, and whether we'll end up in the real finals, fake finals, or no finals at all. But at the point of equalling our win total from last year by Round 10, let's have another moment for the DEAD SET FUCKHEADS who buried us for trading Petracca and Oliver before Round 1. It seems to be working out for everyone at this point. Perhaps we'd have still seen the birth of the Tom Sparrow midfield experience, but not to the same degree. And how good is life without off-field drama? Involving players anyway.