Dark Days

RIP "Philthy" Phil Read (2004-2006)
34 games, 8 goals

Will forever be remembered for the "if he kicks this I'm never watching football again" goal against Essendon in the '04 finals. At least we have our memories of the Philthy Phil Phaction;



In honor of his footballing demise there will be an official one year moratorium on declaring a new favourite player.

What a (dull) week it's been in football

The AFL Trade Tracker. Officially the most underused and pointless application on the internet. As per usual precisely fukal is going to happen until 30 minutes before the deadline when half the league will try to be traded and half of them won't be because the fax machine ran out of paper or something.

Biggest shambles of a week ever. How about just opening it as a free-for-all from the day after the Grand Final for the next month? Doesn't help that Melbourne are completely out of the loop when it comes to hot rumor and gossip - we were linked to Shannon Watt in a farcical, and fictional, trade, are trying to flog Wheatley and Ferguson (again) and there's some suggestion Daniel Bell might go back to Adelaide. Other than that? Boring. A hand then for the sick freaks who are sitting at their computers all week dying for something to happen.

But when it comes to the AFL website don't believe anything they tell you anyway. See, for instance, how Brad Scott has aged overnight;



At least this year there's no repeat of being woken up at 5am in England by SMS'es saying we'd signed Byron Pickett. I thought it was a practical joke.

Emo

Pike, Bishop, Jolly, Armstrong

What do these people have in common that pretty much everyone else who has played for us in the last thirty years doesn't?

Yeah.... I hate sports.

Carnival Atmosphere?

Sandringham win the Grand Final? Yeah, but none of our players did their knees or anything right? That's pretty much all that it counts for.

Hold on? What do you mean Philthy won the BOG Award?

WE LOVE THE VFA! BEST COMPETITION EVER!

The 2006 Every Day Is Like Sunday Season Review (Part One)

I'll do the player bit sometime when it's not quarter to three in the morning.

Pre-Season Rd. 1
vs Footscray
Whoops
I thought the game was tomorrow night. I really did. But even with our gimmick lineup we won.

Pre-Season Rd .2
vs Brisbane
For The Tip
And the penalty for losing is a trip to Morwell to see half your team do their knees on a ground that until Friday 5pm was a primary school carpark.

Sanity prevailed and the man we will NEVER EVER REFER TO AS JACK (apart from this time) was given the arse and replaced with the increasingly capable Nathan Carroll.

Pre-Season Rd. 3
vs Adelaide
No Respect
A colossal "fuck you" to whoever is in charge of the mobile phone version of the AFL website. Not only did they decide that tonight's NAB Cup semi-final was between Adelaide and Hawthorn rather than Adelaide and Melbourne, but they then gave the score of the home team to the away team (Hawthorn) thus fooling me briefly, without any access to a tv or radio, into believing we were pissing it in.

Round 1
vs Carlton
No Future
The first quarter was probably the worst game you'll ever see in your life

We, on the other hand, are living in a cycle of recycled players who are past their use-by date, club legends on their last legs and workhorse players whose best days passed them two or three years ago.

Round 2
vs Footscray
Death of A Salesman
As I entered the stadium this afternoon there was a distinct smell of vomit hanging over the place.

Ferguson, however, went off injured with what looked like a broken hand or wrist and that means that if Jared Rivers isn't fit next week then lock up your grandmother because IT'S NICHO TIME

Miller did very little - either he's lost the plot or the opposition have figured him out. One way or the other if he's our captain next year then I'm General Douglas MacArthur and I shall return in about five years when things have really bottomed out.

Round 3
vs Adelaide
I Can Hear The Grass Grow
I live right next door to AFL House and you'd expect that in these circumstances there'd be a repeat of the game where Fitzroy got robbed against Adelaide and their fans spraypainted the place with slogans but I'm just not that concerned.

I'm increasing impressed with Pickett. He's obviously on the big downward slide from his peak but he's still throwing himself in like a madman.

Round 4
vs Sydney
Everybody Is A Star
Jared Rivers gives away a free-kick, throws the ball back to some cheat who extends his hand about 3 centimetres in an "attempt" to catch it. Naturally due to this pissweak effort it flies over his head and the umpire is sucked in like the biggest moron ever to have been born and pays a 50 that ties the scores.

Not newborn fuckwits who jumped on five years ago, wonder when Tony Lockett is coming back and who were only there because the Fox Sports replay of some rubbish Super 12 game between The Highlanders and the Rotorua Rug Rats didn't start until 6pm.

Round 5
vs North Melbourne
Take It To The Limit
We were equally as bad in the first, but they were a different class of slop in the second quarter. Get your "Best of Fitzroy 1996" video out and have a close look because that's probably the only time you'll ever see anything as bad. Kicking backwards, kicking sideways, back and forth they went.

You may have seen some suggestion in this space before the season began that Byron Pickett would be a dud this season. I heartily apologise, as his performances in the last month have shown that he's still got a shitload left in him. Another top performance today. I love the man

Round 6
vs Geelong
Don't Turn Around. Der Koroner's In Town
Is it growing maturity, the realisation that sports really mean fuck all in the grand scheme of things, resignation to a life of being let down by Melbourne or the result of a slow degeneration of my central nervous system.

The critics who would claim I have lost passion (I don't think there any, but it helps me make a point) would do well to get the CCTV footage of when Aaron Davey kicked goal of the year from 8 cars deep in the carpark in the last quarter.

Being a cheer squad official is already like being head spaz - there's no need to make things worse by drawing attention to yourself

Round 7
vs Fremantle
Never Go On Holidays (by Johnny Knoxville)
Aaron Davey had appeared on the front of the Herald Sun sports section dressed, for some reason, as Fred Astaire, down to but not including his shoes (which appeared to be 2003 model Bata Scouts), thus ensuring he would not get a kick

Armed with a pen, sober (ish) and, for the first time this season, clutching a Footy Record, I was taking my duties as Demonblog supersub seriously and was determined to document any and all purple buffoonery for your reading pleasure.

Round 8
vs Hawthorn
Brock and Roll
Take notes Campbell Brown - opposition players probably don't even know who you are let alone whether or not you're actually as unhinged as you behave. You're a cock.

Most exciting was Aaron Davey's rubbing of Brown's head into the ground after kicking his first goal. Reminded me of when Jeff Farmer took a mark against Essendon and stuck the ball in his opponent's face.

"Crawford you fuck. God he's such a...." and suddenly realises that there's nobody there to concur with him. His wild anti-Crawford agenda was puzzling to me but as he was clearly both off his nut and an a-grade nutter it wasn't surprising.

Round 9
vs West Coast
Demonblog's Super Sunday Slopfest Special
Even though we were running them off the park in the early going it became apparent that you simply cannot stop Chris Judd. Short of tying him up and hacking him to pieces with a chainsaw a'la Scarface there is no way you're going to prevent him wrecking you through the centre.

The kick-in fiascos continued as Brad Miller (#4 option for the day) walked over the line, got away with it, and dropped his kick on an Eagles player who kicked a goal anyway to bring the margin back to three points.

Round 10
vs St. Kilda
The first quarter was notable for Melbourne suddenly introducing the dinky "chip it around like twats in the backline" thing that makes even hardened supporters boo their own team

Backline Dink was the still the word of the day but when we finally took the ball outside of the defensive 50 - sometimes even in less time than it took to win the Second World War - we were on fire everywhere.

In fact the wildest scenes were reserved for the time clock on the scoreboard which didn't start for three minutes, then went straight to 2.00, then reset again, went back to 2.00, started counting down, changed to 99.00 and then shut down for the rest of the game.

Round 11
vs Collingwood
Birth of a Legend
Yes. Phil Read, the angriest man alive, returned and everything is alright with the world again.

A steel-trap style Melbourne defence? Has the world gone mad?
Sadly nobody else observed the standing ovation for Philthy that I demanded pre-match

Time-On was spent talking up Philthy Phil and unsuccessfully trying to start a "WE LOVE YOU FILTHY WE DO" chant in an overwhelmingly hostile section.

Round 12
vs Essendon
FUCK OFF SHEEDS
For those of you who missed it the St. George Bank Dragon beat the Nando's chicken by two lengths with a giant slice of bread third.

And what else is there to be said about Jared Rivers that hasn't been said before? If he ever threatens to go back to Adelaide I suggest an abduction, drugging and cult-like reprogramming to ensure he stays.

Incidentally was I the only one who'd forgotten that Chris Heffernan went back there? How would you feel having being sacked by a team who retained Simon Godfrey?

Johnstone (who's game everyone else seems to getting a semi-lob on about but I didn't fancy that highly)

Round 13/14
vs Port Adelaide and Brisbane
Congratulations I have (re)Arrived
I can't remember what the hell happened to be honest other than firing up the mask gimmick in the 4th quarter and getting absolutely NO POP from the crowd in the bottom desk of the Ponsford Stand.

I have confidence that he'll bounce back but is there any doubt now that Brad Miller's career has gone off the road, plummeted into a ravine and exploded in flames?

Round 15
vs Richmond
Friday Night Slops
Having confidently declared the game against Essendon a few weeks ago to be the worst game I have seen in years I come before you tonight to acclaim a new winner.

The Next Big Thing OUT, Godfrey IN. WHY? If I had righteous indignation at Philthy's exclusion in the first place it was apoplectic rage when it turned out that he'd been considered inferior as a replacement to a man who is almost worse than Scott Chisholm.

Never before has anybody spent so much time screaming out their stream of conciousness ramblings to absolutely no response.

Round 16
vs Fremantle
Slop On Tap
If you're the sort of nutbag who believes that sport can be accurately predicted using omens then you surely would have questioned whether or not it was entirely sensible to go into a game with a six week winning streak wearing a replica of a jumper originally seen in the late 70's/early 80's when we won precisely fuck all and were belted on a weekly basis by everyone other than St. Kilda.

How they could miss a mention of Colin Sylvia sporting a mullet in honor of Heritage Week is a mystery to me though.

Sadly I missed the brawl at halftime because I'd gone outside to ponder the future of the Middle East the moment the siren had gone.

I'm not charging the Panic-O-Meter 1000 yet but Jebus H Christ if we play like that next week we'll get smashed.

Round 17
vs Footscray
Search And Destroy
Of course it's not all roses. When it comes to Melbourne is it ever?

But before we go back to the game a moment please for one of the worst attempts at crowd humor ever. One wag in the bottom of the Ponsford Stand, as Brad Johnson marked in front of Cameron Bruce in the first quarter was heard to yell "Hey Bruce! You're Loose!" as if it were the most cutting insult ever delivered.

Round 18
vs Carlton
What the fuck was that?
Afterall Essendon and Richmond almost managed to beat us by dragging us down to their level and performing the biggest flood since New Orleans.

Everyone knows that I don't play well with others and need to sit away from the crowds for the sake of my own sanity.

Credit to the people who joined in the concerted campaign against the guy and spent four quarters giving it to him every time he opened his mouth and tried to distribute another cracking gag. Credit also for Daniel Ward who gave it back to him

Roll on season 2007 because what happened yesterday screams out to me that we can't win the flag.

Round 19
vs Sydney
Born To Lose
Personally I was as sick as a dog and sat there for four (well, three and a half) quarters looking emo, coughing my lungs out and trying not to throw up before dramatically storming out at the 10 minute mark of the last.

Round 20
vs North Melbourne
Second Half Blitz (by Rowdy)
In the first half I was sitting in my seat, feeling suicidal at the prospect of missing the finals due to another late season collapse.

Had a bogan Roos supporter behind who was talking such drivel, his own family were looking embarrassed

Round 21
vs Geelong
Love Thy Bogan (by Sideshow Bob)
The motivation for my trip to Geelong was wholly and solely based on last year’s miracle win. I can still hear the roar of the Geelong fans fading as Egan’s kick turns to the left, and hugging complete strangers wearing red and blue as if they were my best mates.
Be aware of local customs. This means that when a Melbourne player has his head lopped off or has a Geelong player land square in his back, local custom is to yell the word "Ball" at the top of your voice.

Next week it’s Crows in Adelaide. Collectively, demon fans have marked this down for a loss as of about ten minutes into Round 1

Round 22
vs Adelaide
Suicide Saturday II
And you thought I'd necked myself didn't you?

I would like to think that it had more to do with a sense of self-preservation than sheer incompetence but you just can't tell in these situations. Especially when you've played 0 games and sit on your couch commenting like me.

Elimination Final
vs St. Kilda
Finals (uh!) What are they good for?
Next week we're lambs to the slaughter but right now it feels so good to be in the finals mixer.

Do they drive past speed cameras at 150kmh and go ballistic when they get pinged but sit there at the lights screaming out for the cops to nick people who are doing the limit?

Sad news about Peter Brock and all - and how could you forget with a Holden blimp showing RIP's as it flew around - but the good news is that there's another Brock waiting to become an Australian sporting legend

At which point I jumped up, turned around and delivered the biggest spray I've ever given at a game.

Qualifying Final
vs Fremantle
Weekdays and Bleakdays
Another season flushed down the crapper with little more than a teasing glimpse at Premiership glory.

Then you can run a bus over me, give me ass cancer, send me off with a gun to die on some godforsaken foreign beach - whatever I don't care.

If you want to call cricket then go to Punt Road in December and talk to fifteen people about how Victoria have been forced to follow on or something

Weekdays and Bleakdays

So yeah. That's it. Another season flushed down the crapper with little more than a teasing glimpse at Premiership glory. Depending on how you look at it our year either peaked at 3/4 time against Richmond when we'd held them to three goals or five minutes into the Round 18 game against Carlton when we were winning. After that it was pretty clear that this year was going to be just like the one before it, and the one before that, and every fucking one before that right back to 1965. If it's any consolation, though, it was a better year than 1981. We won more games anyway. Don't ask me I wasn't born until Round 20.

I don't know about any of you but I live for this football club and it hurts to end every year with any aspirations for success crushed beyond recognition. Is one flag too much to ask for? Just one. Then you can run a bus over me, give me ass cancer, send me off with a gun to die on some godforsaken foreign beach - whatever I don't care. All I want is that moment where the siren goes and we've won the bloody thing. Gah. It's never going to happen. Or if it is I'm destined to have been in a plane crash two months beforehand - which is good for you but an absolute debacle for me.

And yes, one year we certainly know it won't happen in is 2006. For a quarter and a half we were in it against the Dockers tonight. Tough efforts all over the field and pressure everywhere. Sadly, as has been the key in most of our losses this year, the amount of effort expended to kick a goal (usually via a free kick or a fluke snap) was completely disproportiante to that which we conceded them. Fifteen minutes of guts and all toil would almost always be rewarded with a goal that was cancelled out thirty seconds later by a cheap clearance from center and a man standing on his own inside fifty. How are you supposed to win anything like that? Might come off nicely against slop sides but it's never going to work in the finals.

Jeff White was slaughtered in the middle by Sandilands. As you'd probably have expected Nick Smith wasn't much of a second option. Romantic notions of him coming in and running riot aside we must not have expected much more out of a guy who was until this week playing against Frankston. He tried hard but in the face of an opponent in superb form somebody who hasn't played a game in three years - and who wasn't very good then - is going to get smashed like a guitar. At least if nothing else we saw Smith play another game and will always know the answer to the cheap trivia question about the player who missed three years and then played a final. Which is, I suppose, some consolation. And if you're into the sort of trivia night where they're likely to ask a stupid and obscure queston like that then I want in immediately.

The second half was abysmal even if we did somehow stay within touch and threaten early in the last term. All credit to the Dockers they turned the flamethrower up to a million and roasted us alive. Even Jeff Farmer decided to stop throwing girly hissy fits and start playing the sort of football we remember him playing a few years back. The lack of pressure around the ground that we've suffered for years reared it's ugly head again, a few unlucky bounces went against us and it was over. Had the Dockers kicked more accurately and not hit the post every five seconds we would have been wiped off the face of the planet in the last five minutes of the first half so I suppose it was a triumph just to be in it for that long.

A word, if we may, on the performance of Brad Miller. I've been critical of him throughout the year - and a lot of what I've said still stands - but tonight was one of his best performances yet. It wasn't just the marks but the fact that he had the balls to back himself when he got it and not turn around and handball it to the first person who'd take responsibility. Still lacks the killer edge when it comes to delivering a ball inside 50 after marking it but there's an entire off-season to work on that. His performance tonight has saved him from even being considered as trade bait. Six months of work on decision making and kicking to leads and he can be a key player next year.

Brock McLean was, again, great. His performance fell apart in the second half but then again didn't everyone's? I've said it before (pretty much every week) and I'll say it again - put your house on him to win the Brownlow next year. Barring injury or suspension he's a huge chance at presumably decent ($50 or over) odds. If you can find somebody who'll take bets on our B&F put somebody else's house on him as well becuase he'll win by a thousand.

On the other side of the coin we have Adem Yze. Now, he's done a lot of good stuff in the 250+ games he's played for us but aren't you slightly concerned that he's poised to pass Neitz and become our games record holder in a few years time? I don't know if he's playing injured or what but he has been absolutely awful for the last month. Just doesn't seem concerned with what's happening unless it involves him being on the end of a handball into an open goalsquare. If this were Round 17 and he'd played like he had for the last month you'd drop him. Unless you're sucked into the whole "consecutive games" thing. The fact that he will probably pass Jim Stynes - a man who went at full throttle for four quarters every week in many sides with substantially less talent than we have now - for that record is the biggest farce of them all. You'll excuse Cameron Bruce for having a shocker this week because he's hard at it, has had a great year and will bleed about his performance but there's no excuses for Yze. Presumably somebody will come on here and go ballistic at me for questioning him but I know I'm not the only one who at the end of his tether.

Hard to give votes given that the first half performance was so much better than the second but here we go anyway.

5 - Brad Miller
4 - Brock McLean
3 - Nathan Brown
2 - Colin Sylvia
1 - Daniel Ward

Apologies to Bell, Carroll, Davey, Green, Johnstone, Neitz, Pickett and Rivers who tried hard.

Apologies for Cam Bruce who saved his worst game of the year for tonight, Demonblog.com Rookie of the Year Matthew Bate who was disappointing but shows a lot of promise and Jeff White who had to try and contend with a flipping giraffe in the middle of the ground almost single handedly.

No apologies for Yze who can at least hand back some of his salary if he's not going to bother to make an effort.

And a big "shut the fuck up" to Tim Lane for his gimmick commentary. If you want to call cricket then go to Punt Road in December and talk to fifteen people about how Victoria have been forced to follow on or something. Don't do it on the call of a game that people actually care about. Idiot. Robert Walls, as always, trod the precipice between enlightenment and annoyance but made sense more often than note. On the other hand I thought Luke Darcy was excellent. His spot in the commentary box is ready and waiting for him when his career is over. And my mum thinks he's hot too (go on, admit it) so he's got that key demographic all sewn up.

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal FINAL TALLY

47 - Brock McLean
45 - Cameron Bruce
40 - James McDonald
29 - David Neitz
23 - Brad Green
20 - Aaron Davey
19 - Jared Rivers (WINNER 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
17 - Travis Johnstone
16 - Byron Pickett
14 - Colin Sylvia
13 - Nathan Carroll
12 - Matthew Whelan
11 - Daniel Ward
10 - Matthew Bate
7 - Adem Yze
7 - Brad Miller
6 - Russell Robertson
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Ben Holland
4 - Nathan Jones
4 - Nathan Brown
4 - Jeff White
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Clint Bartram

Congratulations to Matthew Bate for winning the Darren Cuthbertson Award for Rookie of the Year (previously known as the Craig Smoker Rising Star Award when won by Colin Sylvia in 2005) and to Jared Rivers for taking out the Marcus Seecamp Medal for best defender. We didn't hand out that award last year but looking back at the votes we're retrospectively giving the 2005 award to Nathan Carroll and Ryan Ferguson who polled the same amount of votes. And if you need to know who won the Darren Kowal Award for Cult Hero Status then you haven't been reading closely enough. It's Philthy first to ninth and a token 10th for Smith because I was hanging out all season just for him to play one more game.

Next week: Who cares? Freo may as well win the whole competition for all I care now. Them, Fitzroy, Northcote Park - I don't care anymore. Sports are for the tip. Demonblog may very well be back for cameo posting throughout the off-season (and surely more than last year when I went overseas and forgot my login details for six months) but it will be sporadic at best. Check back if anything interesting happens. Or just catch up on everything come February next year - you're the reader it's your choice.

Next season: If the mystical Premiership clock isn't passing 11pm with a bullet then I'd be surprised. Neitz has two seasons maximum left in him and unless we trade for one I can't see anybody else on our list who's going to be able to go to FF and kick the 50+ goals a year that he adds. I know our midfield kicks a few but unless you've got one the quality of West Coast then try scoring enough to win a flag with it. They've got the ultimate in luxury midfields and they still couldn't kick a winning score in a grand final. Next year is the time to go for it. Sit Miller down in the off-season and show him every videotape of Wayne Carey that you can. Ring Akermanis up and offer to shower the road from Brisbane to Melbourne with rose petals and have him and his family carried here on somebody's back if he'll ditch the Dogs and go for us instead.

Contrary to what the prawn sandwiches brigade might think that I believe I know there's promise in this list. McLean is set to explode next year and Sylvia has showed his worth on the big stage in the last fortnight. Bate/Dunn/Jones etc.. It's almost enough to make you become aroused. But I know it and you know it that they'll tease us again and in twelve months I'll be writing exactly this same post again after we're knocked out of the finals by Sydney or Collingwood. I don't believe in curses and all that ye olde shit but if anything's going to make me start it'll be AFL football.

So yeah. Do whatever you want to amuse yourself for the next few months. If anyone's left that hasn't stuck their head in the oven yet (tip: that doesn't work anymore) I'll be back in a few days with the end of season review and an awards special. Then it's delistings, trade week, the draft and the inevitable news that the entire club has been wound up and sold to Russian businessmen for scrap.

Cheerio. It's been a top year. Thanks to everyone who has sat through my ramblings and who has commented or contributed. One day we shall meet as one and leap off the Westgate Bridge together whilst holding hands and singing the theme song.

With love until next time.

Adam S. Mercado

Enter The Dragon

This is it. Season on the line (again) and sporting oblivion staring us directly in the face. This time, however, we're not playing a bunch of powderpuffs with a marked for death coach at a ground where we'd won 10 of 11 for the year. This is Subiaco in front of 40000 Western mutants who are terrified by the prospect of going out of the finals in straight sets. This is war.

And the big news for fans of outrageous gimmickery is that Nick Smith will play his first game since a sparkling 1 mark, 2 handball performance against Sydney in Round 22, 2003. Doesn't sound like so long ago? Consider the fact that the only reason we got Brock McLean is because we lost that game. That's how long ago it was.

Also in, to replace the irreplaceable Matthew Whelan, is Nathan Brown. Preferred, surely on strength of experience only, to Chris Johnson, Matthew Warnock and Philthy. Indeed the Philth didn't even make the emergencies despite making the trip which tells how just how much love the coaching staff have got for him at the moment. Are my #28 jumper and framed/signed trading cards going to rendered useless already? How depressing.

Prediction: Fremantle by 20pts. You know by now I'm a negative crunt and that I know nothing about sports so make of that what you will.

But if we win this then it's stacks on the Virgin Blue and (god help us all) Jetstar websites to get flights to Sydney for next week. I'm sure we can roll them. Absolutely convinced. Suffice to say that tomorrow is going to be spent making me sick as a dog.

Surprise Midweek Update Corner

Bet you'd never see one of these eh?

First things first we play Fremantle in Perth on Friday night at 8.30. It's the best draw possible in my book because it doesn't force us to confront our wonky record at Football Park, and we get the Dockers on the back of a potentially slump starting first loss in ten weeks. Make no mistake we can take them. Chances are that we won't but it's much more likely than it would have been if we'd drawn the Crows.

And thanks to Sydney doing West Coast the dream prelim final scenario is on for the next week. The prospect of going north rather than to the west will have to give the boys extra motivation. In my sixteen odd years of following this sport (and yes I am older than that..) I've had my hopes crushed so many times that I can't imagine Melbourne winning a flag but in the era of interstate club dominance we'll very rarely get as sweet a run as we have this year. As we always say stay tuned.

Before that is the All-Australian team tonight. We're used to seeing our players shafted when it comes to this award (see for instance Robertson last year) but surely there's at least one in there this year. The contenders are as follows,

McDonald, James
Morally a lock. Despite being written off by several expert commentators (and me) in the last couple of seasons has had a huge year. Should at least sneak in for a place on the bench.

Davey, Aaron
Easily one of our most important players. And if you got in for kicking goal of the year contenders then he'd be the captain/coach but will almost certainly miss out tonight as his statistics alone don't show what an important player he is to our side. Next year. Will probably get rolled by Jeff Farmer.

Bruce, Cameron
Has had a good year but "good" isn't enough to force your way into a midfield featuring the likes of Judd/West/Cousins etc.. I'd expect him to go close if they had a second squad but is, in my book, no chance of cracking it for this one.

Whelan, Matthew
Desperately underrated. Won't crack the squad but deserves a mention for being one of the best small defenders in the game.

Rivers, Jared
Personally I think he should be a lock, having saved our arse in defence more times this year than is healthy. Without him the rest of our backline would have been left dangerously exposed. Fearless backing into packs for marks and found his way forward to kick a few goals as well. Apparently I'm the only person, Melbourne fans included, calling for his inclusion so don't hold your breath waiting for it to happen. But if it does I'll be right here giving it to anyone within range about how I was right for the first time ever.

Carroll, Nathan
Sadly not. Has had a wonderful year for us, but sadly not enough to crack it for a spot amongst the best 22 in the country. Just console yourself in the knowledge that he's got nine or ten years left in him and you'll probably not see Nicholson again.

Johnstone, Travis
Surely you jest? Has been nowhere near good enough.

Smith, Nick
Now you're taking the gimmick too far..

Dispute

I know I don't post much anymore but this is ridiculous,



Mind you their idea of a "blog" is just writing one paragraph and then expecting the readers to provide all the content for them. So basically it's as loose a concept as this page and equally as shit.

One way or the other it's a trademark infringement (if I had a trademark...) Bigfooty lawyers - I urge you to strike at Telstra and bring down their empire of wanky pro-forma AFL club sites. Either that or Telstra could hire me away (*HINT*) to provide mediocre kwality kontent for them instead. Either way. As long as I get paid at the end of the day.

Finals (uh!) What are they good for?

Absolutely nothing. Unless you count dangerous elevated blood pressure levels, random outpourings of emotion and near brawls with total strangers. And scenes of unbridled joy for people who haven't seen a finals win in four years and a close finals win for six. Next week we're lambs to the slaughter but right now it feels so good to be in the finals mixer.

To be entirely honest I'd privately conceded defeat. For all the "oh I think we can win" throughout the week I'd already half compiled the Demonblog year in review ready to be posted right after this report. And after an early flourish in the first quarter it started to unfold as I'd expected. St. Kilda were simply a class above in the early stages and pressure from Melbourne was absolutely non-existent. Every time the Saints kicked the ball inside 50 there was a loose man to mark and, thankfully, more often than not botch the shot. With Gehrig tearing Holland apart (admittedly on the end of kicks that were pressure-less and piss easy to deliver) early for three goals it looked like a long, long night ahead.

A moments interruption, please, for the ultimate in farcical crowd behaviour. Sitting two rows behind us were a pair of my favourite people in the world. Fat bastards swigging beers and eating hotdogs who spend four quarters accusing opposition players of varying degrees of cowardice whilst sitting a comfortable 26 rows back having never done anything more courageous than mowing the lawn barefoot. You know the type. We've met them before. Let's not get moral here because I know very well that we produce our fair share of the same but there are some people who just need to be told how stupid they are lest they go through life thinking that they are actually witty. More on Captain Spazzer later.

So part two and suddenly the Demons showed up. Given that they didn't leave the field during the quarter time break we can confirm that the same team did take the field for the second stanza and weren't secretly replaced with some advanced Robocop style clones. Perhaps Daniher unleashed another one of the great sprays of modern times (see for instance the North game)? Perhaps they realised that another Elimination Final loss would mean we've tread water for the last three years with one of our best player crops in years? Perhaps they cut the throat of a lamb (not Chris fortunately) and smeared themselves in it out of view of the cameras? Who knows but it worked.

And did anyone else who was there notice the farcical scenes in the first quarter whenever somebody's career stats were put on the screen? Everyone had been given ludicrous tallies (Steven Milne - 270 games. David Neitz - 560 games, 1100 goals) and nobody seemed to notice. For the next three quarters they didn't show anybody's stats. What went wrong? I need to know. It was just too ludicrous to have been completely accidental.

Admittedly the comeback of the millenium (© Nobody) didn't start straight away and the quarter was more one of shoring up the defence, getting the matchups right and chipping away at the Saints. The good news was that not only did they start to panic more under pressure but that injuries started to take their toll as well. You wouldn't write a script with that as the turning point but given the situation I'll take it thanks very much. The dysfunctional forward line of the first quarter was replaced with a much neater model (i.e Robertson IN, the underperforming Yze OUT) and despite only producing the solitary goal for the quarter it was ready to benefit from the moment that our midfield started to get on top.

Back to our friend the crowd spaz. By this time everything was a conspiracy against the Saints from the umpires. The most blatant free kicks in history were signs of a wider plot to hand Melbourne the game. The logical flaw in this plan - that we weren't even winning and they'd botched at least 5 gettable shots on goal - didn't even need to be pointed out because every man and their dog, other than his fellow stooge, knew it. One point to the full moon was all it took to explain. Surely these people aren't such complete morons from Monday to Thursday? Do they drive past speed cameras at 150kmh and go ballistic when they get pinged but sit there at the lights screaming out for the cops to nick people who are doing the limit? Is it only sport that makes them irrational twats? What's wrong with admitting that occasionally your team are ill-disciplined and do stupid things? See, for instance, the performance of Aaron Davey tonight. He was dumb. He got punished for it. Fair enough. If it had been Hamill doing the same thing the entire bottom deck of the Ponsford would have been treated to a monologue about how the umpires are scum and should be burnt at the stake.

Come the third quarter and suddenly we were ALIVE. McDonald kicks one from 50, Bruce adds another and then Robertson marks a Sylvia kick on the line and we're only two points down. Credit to two of the most maligned players on our list both Miller and Sylvia were good today. BM still has an unpleasant fetish for handballing at any opportunity (and it went horribly wrong at least once today) but if somebody sits him down in the off-season and shows him videos of what CHF's are actually supposed to do then he may be worth persisting with yet. Sylvia, on the other hand, looked the real deal tonight. He played with confidence and his aggressive running was one of the major forces behind our comeback. Despite what I've attempted to claim in the past he won't make a forward - but on the strength of tonight's performance he won't need to.

Then it looked like after they'd teased us by cutting the margin to two that the Demons were going to fall apart again and crush us. Three goals in a row were probably more flattering than they looked at the time with one coming from Milne cracking a speculative soccer that landed in Koschitzke's arms, and one from the first Davey brain-explosion 50. Luckily Neitz goaled (from a free kick - cue another chorus of Greek tragedy proportions from behind us..) and then Pickett snapped one to drag the margin back to 9 at the last change. When Davey gave away ANOTHER 50 for the first goal of the 4th it again looked grim. Flash is anything but a September specialist on his showings over the past couple of seasons and tonight he was quite awful. Still a top player though - and at least unlike some other people who we won't name (unless we're name them and they're called YZE) he had a go and looked interested even if things weren't going his way. He'll be back with a freaking vengeance.

Matthew Bate converted from 50m out just in front with one of his trademark "Wonky but Accurate" set shots to give us hope, and then the Brock McLean show which had been brewing up all half suddenly exploded and resulted in a goal that cut the margin to under 6pts at the 15m mark. Sad news about Peter Brock and all - and how could you forget with a Holden blimp showing RIP's as it flew around - but the good news is that there's another Brock waiting to become an Australian sporting legend. When Davey redeemed himself somewhat by hitting Neitz for the goal which put us in front it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas. If Christmas involved not actually knowing whether or not you were going to get presents or have your parents hit you with a cricket bat. Brock was then decked with one of the shittest attempts at a shepherd you'll ever see in your life and converted the free-kick to put us 9

Back to the Spazmeister General. Suddenly it was all "THE UMPIRES GAVE YOU THE GAME" and even the random guy sitting next to me started to get into laughing at him. It really was too easy. We pushed forward again and a chorus of "IT'S OH SO QUIET! IT'S ALL SO STILL!" was delivered at our friends (possibly the first recorded example of Bjork being used as a weapon in an AFL related argument), leading to half-hearted calls for me to come up there and brawl with him or something. Now correct me if I'm wrong but if you're that keen to start something aren't you at least duty bound to go to the person you're trying to start? How the fuck should I know? I'm an admittedly shit fighter. Which was probably best kept a secret when Yze finally showed up and kicked the sealing goal at which point I jumped up, turned around and delivered the biggest spray I've ever given at a game. You don't understand - I don't lose the plot often but this time it was justified. I won't get into what was said but suffice to say I was again offered to come up for a brawl. Sadly I didn't deviate from message and just continued the stream of abuse before calmly sitting down and going back to the game. It really was an invitation to cop a king hit or at least an empty beer cup in the head but all he could manage was a crack at my mum. Err, nice work Rambo. Now, I'm not proud of getting involved in all of this. And I'm certainly aware that such behaviour is likely to get you involved in a serious belting someday but as I said there are people who need to be exposed for their lunacy. You can't have them walking around thinking that they're normal.

I really hate people. Want to chip in for me to get a corporate box next year? Everyone who gives over $1000 can come and sit in it for a game with me.

The only downside to the night was Whelan's shoulder injury. The man must have some sort of curse that only comes on in August or September. I've never seen somebody get injured in one section of the year so consistently. Not sure who this means will replace him next week if he doesn't come up. Bartram in a straight swap perhaps? And I like Jones but they may want to think about injecting some experience into the side instead. Brown perhaps? Or, whisper it quietly, Philthy? Doubt it'll happen but it's something to think about.

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

5 - Cameron Bruce
4 - Brock McLean
3 - Colin Sylvia
2 - Jeff White
1 - David Neitz

Big apologies to Green, Bate, Carroll, Holland (after the first quarter), McDonald, Rivers, Ward (with qualifications - when the ball goes near his opponent he is NEVER with them but I respect his willingness to run with it)

Leaderboard

45 - Cameron Bruce
43 - Brock McLean
40 - James McDonald
29 - David Neitz
23 - Brad Green
20 - Aaron Davey
19 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
17 - Travis Johnstone
16 - Byron Pickett
13 - Nathan Carroll
12 - Matthew Whelan
12 - Colin Sylvia
10 - Matthew Bate (WINNER: 2006 Darren Cuthbertson Medal for Rookie of the Year)
10 - Daniel Ward
7 - Adem Yze
6 - Russell Robertson
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Ben Holland
4 - Nathan Jones
4 - Jeff White
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Brad Miller
2 - Clint Bartram
1 - Nathan Brown

Next Week: Who the hell knows? Either to Adelaide or Perth for what must surely be the end of the line. Realistically you never know - perhaps Freo will get rumbled by the Crows and fall apart? Then we somehow manage to land in Sydney for the prelim. Cue a repeat of the day we turned the season around and a trip to the MCG against Adelaide where you'd have us a chance. Unlikely but stupider things have happened. Cross your fingers, sacrifice something to an altar and stay tuned for more. Team Destiny '06 or the ultimate in sporting cockteases? You decide.

Meanwhile in a complete break from tradition there will be a lot of posting this week. I pledge daily DB updates on our progress. Keep watching.

Suicide Saturday II

And you thought I'd necked myself didn't you? Close enough. I was actually away from a computer in that well known bastion of all things AFL related, Sydney. Thanks to the soon to be rooted Fox Footy I did see the game though - and what a painful experience that was.

Surely somebody somewhere put their hand up and made the point that when Whelan and Pickett went out and were replaced with Neitz and Bate that the team had gone in too tall? And who did they have in the emergencies? Shannon Motlop, who is obviously finished as a top level player. So when Ben Holland goes out late in comes the Mot and instantly we're left one short down the back AND without two running defenders. Shouldn't it have been obvious from that point that things were going to go wrong? And thus they did.

To be fair we were in it early on but everything we did the Crows returned with interest. After Davey kicked a ripper out of the pack in the first minute to open the scoring they were just one step beyond. Which was funny given that they were gutted by injuries and playing with a new look forward line. This problem was solved merely by harassing the fuck out of our defenders so they'd cock it up and allow an easy ping from distance into an empty goalsquare. It was EXTREMELY frustrating. One of those days where your side works their arses off for ten minutes to kick one goal and then turns around and concedes one (or two.. or three..) at the other end with seemingly no effort whatsoever. Not good enough.

A moment please, if you will, for Clint Bartram. Sit through 60 picks in the draft wondering if you're ever going to get a game in the AFL. Get drafted. Play your first game. Turn out to be quite good. Play every game for the regular season. Then when the finals come you do your ankle and miss out. What a fiasco. If it's any consolation this surely means that Philthy will come back after his duel BOG's for Sandringham in recent weeks. Hopefully he gets a crack at finals footy next week.

You knew we were going to get done when Miller gave away the pointless 50 just before half time. The fact that the Adelaide stooge missed it from the goalsquare (in a way that even Ben Holland could never imagine) was the only thing that saved me from smashing the tv right there and then. Or did he kick that one? I can't remember. I really have tried to erase the memories of that afternoon from my mind already. At the risk of starting another comments box firestorm and assorted wild scenes I really can't take him in our side. He just doesn't seem to be football smart. Sure he can do a few good jobs here and there but his decision making is absolutely abysmal. If they can get anything for him in trade week then I'm IN. I'm aware that we don't have a readymade CHF or anyone else to fill in down back when required but I really think that a change of clubs is probably best for both parties in this situation.

Third quarter and we were still in it. Neitz got the first two and the intensity level went up a bit. Then the Crows matched that and raised it by a million degrees celcius. Somehow early in the 4th we were a chance. Then it seemed as if the players resigned themselves to their fate of being outside the top 4 and pulled the pin allowing Adelaide to run riot and destroy them. It was all too easy. I would like to think that it had more to do with a sense of self-preservation than sheer incompetence but you just can't tell in these situations. Especially when you've played 0 games and sit on your couch commenting like me.

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

5 - Brock McLean (Should lose points for the bump but there's nobody else to take his spot)
4 - David Neitz
3 - Brad Green
2 - James McDonald
1 - Daniel Ward (at least showed some run and willingness to take them on...)

Leaderboard

40 - Cameron Bruce
40 - James McDonald
39 - Brock McLean
28 - David Neitz
23 - Brad Green
20 - Aaron Davey
19 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
17 - Travis Johnstone
16 - Byron Pickett
13 - Nathan Carroll
12 - Matthew Whelan
10 - Matthew Bate
10 - Daniel Ward
9 - Colin Sylvia
7 - Adem Yze
6 - Russell Robertson
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Ben Holland
4 - Nathan Jones
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Brad Miller
2 - Clint Bartram
2 - Jeff White
1 - Nathan Brown

And yes, finals games do count so this isn't over yet. Though I am prepared to announce officially that Matthew Bate's late season form has won him the Demonblog.com Darren Cuthbertson Medal for Rookie of the Year. Bartram second, Dunn third, Jones fourth, Warnock fifth. Sadly no showing for Andre Gianfagna.

Next (this..) week: St. Kilda at the MCG on Friday Night. I'll be there against my better judgement. God knows why but I think we're every possible chance of winning. Last time we did them over it was the moment that I thought we might actually have a chance of winning the whole thing. Neitz kicked 8, Holland wrecked Gehrig ,the NBT had about 3000 touches and we were sublime in victory despite a late comeback. Since then we've lost to Carlton (again..), beaten the shithouse North Melbourne on the back of a second half rampage, fallen into a draw against the sloppy Cats and been beaten senseless by a crippled Adelaide. There's no good reason to pick us this time BUT if everything goes right there's no reason we can't get up. Then we get to lose the next week anyway but it'd be nice to see anyway.

St. Kilda by 30. Prove me wrong boys. PROVE ME WRONG.

Love Thy Bogan

Right up until the moment my lunch break finished I was tempted to cut the second half of work and go to Geelong. It's a good thing I didn't because a game like this would have seen me arrested. As it was I ended up having to try and listen to the game on the radio and almost having a coronary in the last few minutes. Somebody who was there was Sideshow Bob (not the original we believe) and he provides us with the following report

The motivation for my trip to Geelong was wholly and solely based on last year’s miracle win. I can still hear the roar of the Geelong fans fading as Egan’s kick turns to the left, and hugging complete strangers wearing red and blue as if they were my best mates. I’d arranged some time ago with a Geelong supporting mate that we should go to this week’s match, and he was quick to agree claiming he wanted revenge, conveniently forgetting the pasting they gave us in the finals and Steven-king-related acts of violence. It was also convenient that his girlfriend would drive allowing the two of us to have a few beverages.

Travel tip no.1: Make the trip down the Geelong Road more exciting by playing the “spot the fixed speed camera” game.

Being a “home games only” MFC member, I entered using a Geelong membership borrowed from a different Geelong supporting mate who was so devastated by their season of lost promise he went off to Tasmania this weekend. This of course means I had $18 extra beer money. Upon arrival at the ground we heard the news that Kent Kingsley was in the team in place of Mackie and were happy, but then when the sides warmed up and Colin Sylvia was out there in place of Neitz we were sad. When the game itself started, it was crap footy, but then Yze decided his car wasn't good enough for him and a new Toyota would be a good thing.

Crowdwatch: The crowd were generally as biased and as feral as expected, but one bloke decided that i was personally responsible for every free kick that went against Geelong. When the umps let us get away with something and i laughed, his head began to turn a distinct shade of beetroot and he turned to drop a string of F-words at me. As we tore away in the first quarter, we had a glimpse of things to come as a Davey chip kick for Bell was intercepted by Chapman. As Chapman ran into the 50, Nobody chased him. Hmmm... Our friend turns to me and says "Fuck Davey". Ok, whatever. Which leads us to travel tip no.2: Be aware of local customs. This means that when a Melbourne player has his head lopped off or has a Geelong player land square in his back, local custom is to yell the word "Ball" at the top of your voice. (n.b. the umpiring was generally crap, but was sometimes in our favour such as the 65m penalty we got in the 1st quarter, but according to the Cat fans ALL of the decisions were in our favour. Some of the centre bounces were pathetic). Injury to Matt Whelan in the first quarter didn't help the cause.

In the second quarter we had an excellent view from the Northern terraces as a Geelong player (Rooke?) took a clean catch to intercept a Davey snap at goal. We thought he was across the line, meaning it was a goal. The Geelong fans thought it was a clear mark. The goal umpire clearly had no intention of getting out alive and decided he'd piss everyone off by saying that it was a point. The ump somehow believed that he'd taken 2 grabs at it and juggled it across the line, which was not true. Then, just to make sure this goal ump was never going to see his family again, Jamar took a mark with his body behind the line between the goal post and point post, and his arms outstretched in the field of play. He plays on and snaps a goal. The ump nods as if to say "Nice one Russian!" but then gets talked out of his decision by the lowest form of footy life form, the boundary umpire.

That's ok, we all said, we're still in front.

Not for long. In the 3rd quarter Geelong started running, and kicked 5 goals in a row. They made us pay for unaccountable play and loose men were everywhere. The most selfish player in AFL football, Gary Ablett Jr, turned up to play and was instrumental in a massive comeback. Between the early part of the 3rd quarter and mid-way through the final quarter Geelong eroded our 38 point lead. Travis Johnstone walked the ball back across Geelong's goal for a point and some clown said "You'll regret that if its a draw". Then, Ben Holland was hip and shouldered in the head as he leant over for the ball, in an incident that would have drawn Byron Pickett a 10 week suspension. The ball spilled out and Scarlett kicked the goal to put the Cats in front. If only the schmuck who was with us in the first half was still with us, because I’d love to see him explain that one. Perhaps surprisingly, Jamar levelled the scores with a crunch goal and as the final siren went, Nathan Carroll breathed a sigh of relief as he dropped the ball which was then, after the siren, punched through the goals by Bartel. A very unsatisfying result and a hollow feeling as there were no theme songs, no celebrations over a game both teams should have claimed as a win and neither team deserved to claim as a win,.

Travel tip no.3: Put some music on the radio as you return to Melbourne, because post-game football commentary is crap.

So now it’s time for some votes.

5: Daniel Ward. One of a small few who put in a four quarter effort. One of the better games I’ve seen him play and has been in good form over the last month or so.

4: James McDonald. Great goals and another tough tacking effort. My smoky for most Melbourne votes at the Brownlow and a possible top 5 finish.

3: Cameron Bruce. Awesome 2nd quarter, may have been the hero had he ran into the 50 and went for goal instead of trying to go to the top of the square.

2: Travis Johnstone. Faded a bit but was crucial in establishing the lead.

1: Adem Yze. While I wanted to give one vote to some others, Yze did do some crucial things, including a crunch goal in the final quarter. Would have got more had he chased down his man a few times in the 3rd quarter.

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard

40 - Cameron Bruce
38 - James McDonald
34 - Brock McLean
24 - David Neitz
20 - Brad Green
20 - Aaron Davey
19 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
17 - Travis Johnstone
16 - Byron Pickett
13 - Nathan Carroll
12 - Matthew Whelan
10 - Matthew Bate
9 - Colin Sylvia
9 - Daniel Ward
7 - Adem Yze
6 - Russell Robertson
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Ben Holland
4 - Nathan Jones
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Brad Miller
2 - Clint Bartram
2 - Jeff White
1 - Nathan Brown

On review I’m annoyed I’ve given all the votes to our top possession getters.

Next week it’s Crows in Adelaide. Collectively, demon fans have marked this down for a loss as of about ten minutes into Round 1 but there remains a flickering hope that if we show the heart that the pseudo-Sandringham team did for three quarters in last year’s game we might be a chance. Adelaide has suffered some injuries which may affect them, and hopefully we’ll get Neitz and Bate back.

I won't be travelling next week. Geelong fans may be feral but at least they're not from Adelaide.

Editor Watch
Mercado here again. I might be a negative piece of shit but I think our season is farked. Sure Adelaide have a million injuries and have lost four of the last five but I don't think there's anything more than the slightest chance that we can roll them next week. And even if we do the reward is probably going back there again the next week. Thrillsville. Sometimes I'd like to be a Richmond fan and have no long term goals other than making one finals series. Bah.

Second Half Blitz

Editor's note: I actually did make it today but as I've had a football related nervous breakdown in the last couple of weeks and couldn't do anything but sit there, feel that it was all pointless, how everything was black and all sorts of other Nietzschean bullshit I've handed the reigns over to a guest reporter for the week. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome "Rowdy"

What a strange game footy is. I turned up to the MCG on Sunday afternoon feeling decidedly seedy after my friends 21st, but very optimistic of the Dees chances against a depleted Kangaroos outfit. In the first half I was sitting in my seat, feeling suicidal at the prospect of missing the finals due to another late season collapse. Add a couple of hours; I’m standing up applauding the team and thinking about a top 4 spot again. After trailing by 20 points at half time, somehow the team woke up and finished 50 point winners. I tell you, it’s a strange game.

Crowd Watch
Sat in a new place for me, bottom level of the new Olympic Stand on the 50m arc. Really liked the position, and it was mostly Melbourne fans which was good. Had a bogan Roos supporter behind who was talking such drivel, his own family were looking embarrassed. Had kids running in and out of my aisle for the whole game, Christ knows what they were doing. Maybe they had the runs or something.
End Crowd Watch

The game itself started out in gloomy circumstances with the Roos deadset jumping us and kicking the first 3 goals. It took a Drew Petrie brain explosion for us to kick our first through the skipper. I don’t really feel like talking about the rest of the quarter because apart from Adem Yze putting his body on the line TWICE, nothing exciting happened. The Kangas continued to dominate us and we continued to muck around with the ball, handballing more often than kicking & missing our targets when we did kick.

The second quarter was much of the same. The Roos continued to run us off our feet, with our guys standing around watching them for most of the time. Jess Sinclair was sweeping the ball off half back and Petrie was taking good grabs as well. If it wasn’t for Nathan Jones, Neita, Greeny and Brock then the margin would have been double what it was at the main break.

Ok, now I’ve gotten past the shit that was the first half I can move on to the third quarter. What the hell did Danners say?! Whatever it was worked, because it was a different team that ran out for the second half. As usual, it was the Flash who inspired us, stealing a Watt handball and then kicking the goal from 40m. That got me sitting a bit more alert in my seat, and when Yze drilled one from 50 on the boundary right in front of me, the blood was well and truly pumping. Bate, McLean, Green and Ward were running hard and creating space and dare I say it, but Brad Miller presented bloody well in the third quarter. His decision making is still fucking horrible at times, but there were some encouraging signs. The delivery into the forward line was superb, and Neita took full advantage, kicking the Dees into the lead after Bate had just about killed him with a lethal pass. Davey was just everywhere, and kicked one of the longest goals I have seen him kick after Whitey intercepted a stray Roos kick. And so ended an awesome third quarter, eight goals kicked by the Dees, seven of them through Neitz and Davey.

The last quarter was a training run. The Roos stopped and looked like they couldn’t be assed and we buried them into the dirt. Robbo kicked a couple after being well held all day, and Brucey started to find a bit of it after being well tagged for most of the match. Neita kicked a ballburster for his 8th, and then took himself off when the match was won. All in all, pretty good win by the boys considering we had such a shithouse first half.

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

5 – David Neitz (kicked 8.4 so could have and probably should have kicked 10. Was superb all day and was the dominant player on the ground)
4 – Brock McLean (was awesome around the ground and had 36 touches. Delivered the ball beautifully by foot all day and was tough in around the clinches. Going to be a star if he’s not already)
3 – Aaron Davey (kicked 4 and was instrumental in the comeback. He is so important to this team its stupid)
2 – James McDonald (was his usual brilliant self, hard at it and laying tackle after tackle)
1 – Nathan Jones (25 touches and was terrific when it counted. Should get the Rising Star nomination for that)

Apologies to Green, Ward, Rivers & Yze who were all good too.

Next week: Geelong at Skilled. Lets be honest, we’ll probably lose as it’s a shit ground and the Cats play best when there is nothing at stake. If we want to finish top 4, then we have to win so it’s a huge game. Should get Pickett back as well.

Now I gotta go do some uni work, so I’ll hand the reins back over. It was fun.

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard

37 - Cameron Bruce
34 - Brock McLean
34 - James McDonald
24 - David Neitz
20 - Brad Green
20 - Aaron Davey
19 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
16 - Byron Pickett
15 - Travis Johnstone
13 - Nathan Carroll
12 - Matthew Whelan
10 - Matthew Bate
9 - Colin Sylvia
6 - Russell Robertson
6 - Adem Yze
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Daniel Ward
4 - Ben Holland
4 - Nathan Jones
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Brad Miller
2 - Clint Bartram
2 - Jeff White
1 - Nathan Brown

Note: I definately won't be going to Geelong as for the first time in 21 weeks I'm working when our game is on. I've had a shithot run with getting away with it all these weeks and if I had any leave of any form I'd go anyway. What this means is that once again we need a guest reporter. First in and best dressed. Extra points if you promise to hammer the locals about living in cardboard boxes and growing huge marijuana crops in their basements

Born To Lose

Hands up if you honestly thought we could beat the Swans yesterday. To be frank after we'd kicked the first two goals I started to wonder whether we were actually a chance. As you may well know we were not. Class prevailed in the end and we got done like a dinner.

Personally I was as sick as a dog and sat there for four (well, three and a half) quarters looking emo, coughing my lungs out and trying not to throw up before dramatically storming out at the 10 minute mark of the last.

Crowd Watch
For the third consecutive week I suffered angst at being seated in the midst of complete morons. It doesn't matter where I go people annoy me. This is why, were I loaded, I'd buy my own Demonblog.com corporate box and remove myself from the bogans in the grandstand. For the rest of the year I'm going back to my old tactic of sitting in the back row of the entire place with nobody near me.
End Crowd Watch

Due to the fact that I am still completely rooted I'm OUT for writing a full report. All I will say is that I don't know why they persisted with Miller at CHF for so long and left Dunn on the bench or wandering around completely out of position. Miller is NEVER going to be a gun CHF - let it go.

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

5 - Jared Rivers (a couple of dodgy disposals aside the difference between a 6 and 15 goal loss)
4 - Matthew Bate (is scoring the points Sylvia did in the first three rounds for playing half decently in a rotten side)
3 - James McDonald
2 - Cameron Bruce
1 - David Neitz (four goals that kept us in it, but ranked down for a series of brain explosions)

Leaderboard

37 - Cameron Bruce
32 - James McDonald
30 - Brock McLean
20 - Brad Green
19 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
19 - David Neitz
17 - Aaron Davey
16 - Byron Pickett
15 - Travis Johnstone
13 - Nathan Carroll
12 - Matthew Whelan
10 - Matthew Bate
9 - Colin Sylvia
6 - Russell Robertson
6 - Adem Yze
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Daniel Ward
4 - Ben Holland
3 - Nathan Jones
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Brad Miller
2 - Clint Bartram
2 - Jeff White
1 - Nathan Brown

Next week: North at the MCG. Players will return. No excuses. If we lose this it's over. If we win there's an ever so small light at the end of the tunnel. Instant blockbuster? Balls to that. For the first time this year I'm shafted from a game because of work so if you want to do the review and hand out the all-important votes let me know (supermercado AT demonblog.com).

And now I'm going back to bed. It's been lovely.

Total Anarchy

Bruce - POTENTIALLY OUT
Johnstone - PROBABLY OUT
Robertson - ALMOST CERTAINLY OUT
The veins in my arm - RIGHT OUT when we lose on Saturday

Dunn is a certainty. Ferguson and Miller are a chance. There is more chance of aliens landing on the MCG and abducting James Sherry (at last) than there is of Nick Smith getting a run.

Daniher is talking about Motlop. Now it's not that I'm anti-Mot but you'd think he's going to get the ass at the end of the year so is it really a good move to bring him in? They may as well do it and give him another crack - and let's not forget he did some decent work at the end of last year and in the pre-season - for want of too many other small forward options (and the last thing we want is Godfrey wandering around up front again) but it's hardly the actions of a club in rude health is it?

And as we always ask in this spot, WHERE'S PHILTHY YOU BASTARDS? The least they can do as our season goes under a rapid rate is give me my illicit man-crush in the squad.

What the fuck was that?

[Warning: If you can't take offensive language, are a small child or have a heart complaint you may want to skip this report]

Now this will sound like complete bullshit considering what happened and the fact that I didn't mention it first but I had a bad feeling about playing Carlton. Not just the usual week-long anxiety I get whenever we're doing well and play somebody at the arse end of the ladder, but a real "we're every possible chance of getting done over" fear. Afterall Essendon and Richmond almost managed to beat us by dragging us down to their level and performing the biggest flood since New Orleans. The difference was that neither of those sides bothered to back up their tactics with any intensity and Melbourne (previously referred to as "we") eventually managed to put them away.

Yesterday, with Travis Johnstone a late withdrawal due to "general soreness" (and I call shenanigans on that..) and Daniel Bell roped in as his replacement you'd have to think that Dennis Pagan - for want of anything of any tactical significance to add to his team talk - was highlighting the change as a sign that Melbourne were treating Carlton with no respect. And his troops reacted accordingly. After we dominated them for the first three minutes and Bate (at the start of a very impressive performance) kicked the opening goal it looked as if it was business as usual, but then Fevola kicked two in a row - including a corker from the boundary line - and the Blues were suddenly full of confidence. With all our stars (Yze, Bruce, Neitz etc..) missing, the NBT struggling and nobody actually playing at Centre Half Forward by the looks of it things started to go horribly wrong early on. Other than McDonald, who you can be sure will go in 150% every time, too much was left to Bate and Jones in his second game. Fine performances for sure but where were the cool, experienced heads to back it up? Usually rebounding the ball out of the 50 and straight back into the hands of the opposition. Or kicking it out on the full. Your choice.

I'm not entirely sure why, if Johnstone had to go out, that they couldn't have brought Miller in instead. I haven't been his biggest fan this year but if Bate wasn't going to play CHF, and Dunn wasn't an option then what are you left with? Holland? Surely you jest. If there's no defensive matchup for Dutchy he shouldn't be anywhere near the field. I know he had a cracker of a game against St. Kilda a couple of years ago at CHF when Miller was out but he is - frankly - shit and his only saving grace is that he's done quite a few good defensive jobs this year. Therefore, and I'll say it again, if there's nothing for him to do in the backline then he should be sitting on his ass in the stands.

Crowd Watch
Like a complete moron I took a free ticket to sit in level one of the Dome. Everyone knows that I don't play well with others and need to sit away from the crowds for the sake of my own sanity. It's painful enough hearing wags in the crowd ripping out zingers that only they and their equally pissed mates find amusing but when some 5ft midget crunt spends four quarters hanging over the fence slaughtering every player who runs past for being shit. Credit then to the idiot who was pulling that move off yesterday without actually knowing who he was yelling at. By the third quarter the physio and the guy who carries pieces of paper around were copping it as well. Why? And why are football crowds such pissheads?

Credit to the people who joined in the concerted campaign against the guy and spent four quarters giving it to him every time he opened his mouth and tried to distribute another cracking gag. Credit also for Daniel Ward who gave it back to him. This is where I'd get fined every week. I've said it before and I'll say it again. We played 0 games. We had 0 kicks. They get paid 100's of dollars a year. THEY WIN. If a player does something shit you have every right to do your nut but if you just try and slaughter anyone in an opposition jumper the joke's most certainly on you fool. Especially given that we all know if Player A suddenly showed up at your club you'll suddenly cheer him as a legend. I learnt my lesson with Byron Pickett and I'm not even a drunken piece of shit.

5 crowd votes to the woman who just lost it at the angry midget and started yelling "I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU". It was great. I was proud to be a part of it. Shame about the result.
End Crowd Watch

By the third quarter Bruce and Yze had started to get into the game and Carlton's lead started to rapidly evapourate. We never managed to take the lead but with the margin hovering around 10pts it looked as if we'd run over the top in the last quarter and pull out an undeserved wake-up-call win. Except, erm, we didn't. Credit to Carlton they did well, and have some potentially ace young players, but we were complete bollocks. Green and Sylvia were AWFUL and the Blues defenders were marking everything that came near them. Thus we couldn't get any love inside 50, and despite Carroll eventually holding Fevola to four goals after a start that looked as if he was going to kick 30, we couldn't kick enough goals to beat them. Painful.

Roll on season 2007 because what happened yesterday screams out to me that we can't win the flag. It also proves just how important Davey is to the team. Note that it was when he necked himself against the Bulldogs in '04 that the rot set in and we were shit for the rest of the year. He's a great man.

Votes

5 - Bate (his finest game yet. Though I'm sure he won't be dragging the video out too often.)
4 - McDonald (consistent as always)
3 - Jones (a good game in a role he should never have been thrown into)
2 - Bartram (I'm struggling now)
1 - White (Pretty much for show only... He was alright but this is worth about 1/50th of last week's 1 vote)

I could almost have wedged Brown in for the 1 vote but other than that who knows what was going on? It was almost bad enough to start taking votes off.

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard

35 - Cameron Bruce
30 - Brock McLean
29 - James McDonald
20 - Brad Green
18 - David Neitz
17 - Aaron Davey
16 - Byron Pickett
15 - Travis Johnstone
14 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
13 - Nathan Carroll
12 - Matthew Whelan
9 - Colin Sylvia
6 - Russell Robertson
6 - Adem Yze
6 - Matthew Bate
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Daniel Ward
4 - Ben Holland
3 - Nathan Jones
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Brad Miller
2 - Clint Bartram
2 - Jeff White
1 - Nathan Brown

Next week: Sydney @ the MCG. Either we're going to bounce back and give them a world class porking (no please - come back) or the rot will be made official. Instant blockbuster? Nearly. Depending on what happens at Sandringham today I would expect a couple of changes. Sylvia out? Dunn in? AND WHERE'S PHILTHY?

[Note: There was actually less obscenity in this report than usual. I think I'm in shock]

Search and Destroy

The good news - we've taken the Jakovich Cup back off the Bulldogs after they beat us in Round 2. The better news - it was done in slashing fashion.

Of course it's not all roses. When it comes to Melbourne is it ever? 51pt wins over teams in the eight are ace but what does it really mean when it's against a team who are falling apart rapidly due to an injury list longer than World War One AND costs you two of your most important players through injury? In the short term it means that we're back in third (and as it stands off to Perth for the first week of the finals - how thrilling) but it's a big knife in the back for our chances of making the top four. For more dissection on that topic see the bottom of the report - for now let's concentrate on positives.

The first quarter was rather reminscent of last week. Goals flying in at both ends and the opposition running Melbourne off their feet to set up an apocalyptic second/third quarter outburst and win comfortably. Good idea in theory but obviously the tapes of last week have been watched so many times the film has worn out because from the moment the second quarter started and Neitz goaled within the first minute it was all Melbourne - all the time and the Dogs were strangled out of the game with extreme prejudice.

But before we go back to the game a moment please for one of the worst attempts at crowd humor ever. One wag in the bottom of the Ponsford Stand, as Brad Johnson marked in front of Cameron Bruce in the first quarter was heard to yell "Hey Bruce! You're Loose!" as if it were the most cutting insult ever delivered. Needless to say it wasn't and instead led to an entire end of people pissing themselves laughing at his expense. With spectacular rhyming talents like that I've got no idea why he was sitting there on his own shouting out randomly things and not in a clubroom somewhere writing future slogans to be used on banners. If you're going to just yell out random abuse because it makes you feel better about being a fat bastard who sits in the stands and has never had the guts and determination to play the game at the highest level then at least make it funny or especially biting. Otherwise you're that guy and you're a cock.

Back on field things were starting to look up. The Bulldogs had forgotten how to kick, Godfrey was having the time of his life tagging Scott West (9 kicks, shitloads of handballs) and The Jurassic Pack - featuring guest member Daniel Ward also having a spectacular day - were murdering the Dogs forwards who had looked so potent early on. 4.3 to 0.4, the Next Big Thing running wild and free in the midfield and Ben Holland kicking Jakovich-esque goals. Could life have been any better? Then Pickett necked himself and the carnival atmosphere died in the arse a bit. Then we kicked four goals to one in the third (including an Yze special for goal of the day) and it was back on again.

Incidentally did anyone notice just how many times people sold the dummy in this game? Both sides were just running around faking from one side to other. I suggest that yesterday's clash be referred to as the "Sucked-In Cup". The worst one of all was when Matthew Bate ran to 50 in the last quarter and did the MOST OBVIOUS FAKE EVER by almost falling to the ground he went so far left before drawing back to the right and running around his opponent. He missed the kick but I'm appalled that anybody could have fallen for such a blatantly obvious dummy.

The margin blew out to 40 before the Dogs kicked two goals in a row and Chris Sullivan Law was invoked (that no margin under 46pts is a "certaintly" before time-on of the 4th quarter - see Round 6, 1992 @ the MCG vs Essendon for the birth of this law). Fortunately love came back to town rapidly and the margin re-blew out to 45 before Yze capped off a top 250th game and goaled on the siren. Game, set and match. Four points in the bag etc..

Next Big Thing Watch
A new feature to fill the space left by Philthy and Pickett Watch.

- The Next Big Thing (NBT)
McLean was absolutely magnificent. I suggest selling your house and investing every cent you've got on him winning the Brownlow next year. If he stays fit he'll be an absolute legend. As far as I'm concerned he's almost graduated from the NBT Academy and become a superstar in his own right.

- The Next Next Big Thing (NNBT)
Bate was quiet for the first couple of quarters but as we started to put the Dogs to the sword in the third The Total Package emerged and started running riot. 17 touches, 8 marks and a goal. Good stuff.

- The Next Next Next Big Thing (NNNBT)
Dunn was a late withdrawal for Brown. I have no idea why - given that I'm in the Amish faction who never read the papers or watch television - but there's some suggestion that it was always on the cards so that Brown could play instead. Will be back with a vengeance, possibly to collect the Heaver Medal for Rookie of the Year.

- The Next Next Next Next Big Thing (NNNNBT)
A very solid debut by Jones. Cocked up a few disposals early on but as he started to get into the game and settle he started distributing top ball and going in for everything on the deck. Has all the makings of an absolute gun. Will be interesting to see what role he plays for the rest of the year now that Green will return but Pickett and Davey are crocked.

End Next Big Thing Watch

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

5 - McLean
4 - Yze
3 - Ward
2 - Carroll
1 - Whelan

Apologies to Bruce, Bate, Godfrey, McDonald, Davey, Rivers and White.

Leaderboard

35 - Cameron Bruce
30 - Brock McLean
25 - James McDonald
20 - Brad Green
18 - David Neitz
17 - Aaron Davey
16 - Byron Pickett
15 - Travis Johnstone
14 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
13 - Nathan Carroll
12 - Matthew Whelan
9 - Colin Sylvia
6 - Russell Robertson
6 - Adem Yze
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Daniel Ward
4 - Ben Holland
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Brad Miller
1 - Nathan Brown
1 - Jeff White
1 - Matthew Bate

The Run Home
Round 18 - Carlton @ MCG

All signs point to us winning this one and winning it well but we said that in Round One didn't we? And look what happened there. Now this is a much better unit than it was four and a half months ago, and Carlton have proven to be fairly rank ever since but I won't be assuming anything until we've crushed them. Fevola scares me - and not just because he looks like an evil sideshow clown who may rip my throat out at any moment.

Round 19 - Sydney @ MCG
They've not got a bad record at the 'G, and with three imminently winnable games in the last three rounds (Geelong/Brisbane/Carlton) they'll be thinking top four as much as we are. Instant blockbuster. As seen earlier this year we can beat them - farcical 50m penalties and 35m last quarters included - and this playing group has an excellent record against the Swans in the last few years so I'm comfortable with our chances.

Round 20 - North Melbourne @ MCG
Again you'd expect that we'd win this one. They ran us close earlier in the year when we were still finding our feet but their form hasn't been completely rancid recently and they're probably still capable of springing some surprises. I'd pencil in a win but don't expect to see Nathan Thompson get bored and wander off to find something else to do if the result is in doubt this time.

Round 21 - Geelong @ Kardinia Park
There's no possible way that we can top the drama and excitement of THE BEST GAME EVER in the corresponding fixture last year so I can't see any reason why we should win. Sure Geelong are balls but presumably they'll still be somewhere in the mix for the final 8 with two rounds to go and will be playing like their lives depend on it knowing that they should beat Hawthorn in R22. We should win but just because I'm a negative piece of shit I'll put it down as a loss.

Round 22 - Adelaide @ Football Park
Surely you jest? The only hope we've got is if they've got 1st place sewn up by a mile, rest half the team and bring back an all-time Crows 22 featuring Rodney Maynard, Simon Tregenza and Sudjai Cook. Then our reward will be either a trip to Perth or a "why didn't we just stay here?" rematch against the full strength Crows the next week.

The theory going around is that it's better to finish 5th and play Fremantle at the MCG in the first week of the finals. That's probably an accurate portrayal of things but fuck settling for an easy draw in the first week - I want the best result possible. And if that means getting tonked in Perth and then coming straight back here to bend over and cop it from St. Kilda in the 2nd week then so be it. No more settling for second best.

That's fairly interesting..

First there was McLean. Then there was Bate. Then there was Dunn. Now all hail the Next Next Next Next Big Thing,

Melbourne first-year player Nathan Jones will make his AFL debut on Sunday after being named in the Demons' final 22 for the clash with the Western Bulldogs at the MCG.

WAVE
OF
THE
FUTURE

Slop On Tap

If you're the sort of nutbag who believes that sport can be accurately predicted using omens then you surely would have questioned whether or not it was entirely sensible to go into a game with a six week winning streak wearing a replica of a jumper originally seen in the late 70's/early 80's when we won precisely fuck all and were belted on a weekly basis by everyone other than St. Kilda. Mystical issues aside there are two ways you can look at today's game,

a) Optimistic

It's the loss we had to have after being up for so long and could be the modern day equivalent of the 98pt loss to Carlton in Round 13, 2000 that spurred us onto winning plenty in a row and making a Grand Final. All we have to do to get back on track is beat the rapidly falling apart Bulldogs and the rotten Carlton. Neitz will find his form again and we still have the return of the Next Big Thing to look forward to. Our defence is solid and the midfield hasn't gotten out of 1st gear for a month.

b) Pessimistic

We've been rumbled after putting in decidedly average performances against Essendon, Richmond and to a lesser extent Port in the last few weeks. It's the start of the traditional second half of the season collapse, and if we lose to the rapidly falling apart Bulldogs we'll face a Carlton side who have beaten us once this year already in the midst of a form slump and will be lucky to fall into the top 8. The Next Big Thing appears to be prone to getting injured every second week.

Me? I'm a mixture of the two. Which is a surprise because, as you know, I'm almost always on the negative side of things. The way we exposed Collingwood on Queen's Birthday was a thing of a beauty but Essendon - the worst side since Freo won two games in 2002 - pushed us much further than we should have been, we almost managed to botch it against Brisbane and couldn't put Richmond away despite being infinately better allaround the ground. The kicking for goal has been shithouse the last two weeks - after 18.12 against Port and 14.14 against Brisbane we've racked up just 18.29 in the past two weeks and Neitz hasn't kicked one in a fortnight. There are worrying signs. Pickett has dropped off in the last month - and the 50 he gave away for decking McManus was, though perversly entertaining in a theatrical fashion, the kind of petty bullshit that we can't afford if we're going to go anywhere near winning a flag.

Then there was Brad Green and his bloody headbutt. I'm probably not alone in having no idea who it was on because I'm completely ignorant about Freo but I'm fairly confident that it's somebody with a lot less experience than Green and he still managed to rope him into making a dick of himself and giving away a needless goal. It was reckless rather than intentional and I think his clean record will save him but it's a wakeup call not to get sucked in. Predictably enough it took about ten seconds for some clown in the commentary box to make a Zidane/Green wisecrack. It was almost as if they paid him off to do it just so they could use the line. How they could miss a mention of Colin Sylvia sporting a mullet in honor of Heritage Week is a mystery to me though.

Look - Freo played well. Just because we don't know who any of them other than Pavlich, Farmer and that giraffe ruckman are doesn't make them automatically useless. We matched up well against them in the first quarter - and with Dunn running riot up front it looked as if we might almost get away with it. Unfortunately the first quarter specialist again went missing and the moment the 2nd term started they were on another level. We were being butchered all over the ground and even when we did get it inside 50 the kicking for goal was balls. It was genuinely painful viewing and I was appalled that we were only four goals down at halftime. Freo were extremely wasteful - but compared to us they were a ruthless and efficient killing machine.

Sadly I missed the brawl at halftime because I'd gone outside to ponder the future of the Middle East the moment the siren had gone. It may have been the only highlight of the day. Davey kicked the first of the third quarter but the chances of pulling off the improbable rapidly faded as Chris Connelly had his side playing like us and we had ours going like when he played for us. Shattering. By the last change it was all over and they toyed with us for the first twenty minutes. Some goals in junktime made it look respectable but we were cleaned up. I'm not charging the Panic-O-Meter 1000 yet but Jebus H Christ if we play like that next week we'll get smashed. Take this as a lesson. AND FUCKING LEARN TO KICK STRAIGHT. Ahem.

Philthy Watch
Ran around being angry all day. Didn't punch anyone in the head. Will get the arse next week in recognition of the fact that Godfrey has strung together two moderately respectable games in a row (by his standards) and McLean should be back. Get down to Sandy and check out the great man in action if you can. Personally I'm boycotting the whole competition until Camberwell return. 15 years of attaching myself to lost causes and counting.
End Philthy Watch

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

5 - James McDonald
4 - Brad Green
3 - Travis Johnstone
2 - Nathan Carroll
1 - Aaron Davey

Apologies to Godfrey (!!), Holland, Philthy, Robertson, Ward (!!), Yze, Whelan and anyone else who wasted a Sunday watching this rubbish.

Leaderboard

35 - Cameron Bruce
25 - Brock McLean
25 - James McDonald
20 - Brad Green
18 - David Neitz
17 - Aaron Davey
16 - Byron Pickett
15 - Travis Johnstone
14 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
11 - Matthew Whelan
11 - Nathan Carroll
9 - Colin Sylvia
6 - Russell Robertson
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Ben Holland
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Adem Yze
2 - Brad Miller
1 - Daniel Ward
1 - Nathan Brown
1 - Jeff White
1 - Matthew Bate

P.S - I've decided that the Brent Heaver Medal for Rookie of the Year will be handed out on it's own merits rather than to the rookie who gets the most votes because personally I think Dunn would be winning it so far but hasn't managed to nick a vote yet. We do have some integrity you know. Not much though.

Next Week: Sunday vs Footscray at the MCG in the "for god's sake please don't let this happen to us again" edition of the Jakovich Cup. Demonblog will be there. If we lose I'll be the one trying to hang myself from the second deck of the Ponsford.

Friday Night Slops

Having confidently declared the game against Essendon a few weeks ago to be the worst game I have seen in years I come before you tonight to acclaim a new winner. Melbourne vs Richmond - Friday, July 14th, 2006 was the worst game we've been involved with this decade if not longer. This was undoubtedly the result of the Tigers playing the same game they did against Adelaide this year when they sprung a big upset. Sadly for them every other coach in the league has watched the video of that game fifty times and isn't likely to fall for such a scam.

Early signs weren't positive. The Next Big Thing OUT, Godfrey IN. WHY? If I had righteous indignation at Philthy's exclusion in the first place it was apoplectic rage when it turned out that he'd been considered inferior as a replacement to a man who is almost worse than Scott Chisholm.

Then we were held to a goal apiece in the first quarter (though I did have "any other player" in the first goalkicker and have presumably coined in on Dunn) as Richmond shut the game down expertly and we had no comeback. They kicked the first of the second and I started to worry that we were going to be stooged by this bullshit like the Crows were. I don't begrudge them the right to play wanky negative football against infinately better teams if that's what will keep them in the game but they couldn't even get that right tonight. Their skills were absolutely abysmal and continuously handed us the game on a platter. That we couldn't actually put them away was the combination of being lowered to their level, an off-night around the ground, shit kicking and a terrible run with hitting the post. Eventually we started to get on top in the second quarter and opened up a four goal lead.

If I may interrupt the report for a second can I say that I'm completely lost at how to interpret the performance of Daniel Ward. Almost every possesion he gets seems to be without any opposition pressure whatsoever. This means that he's either an absolute gun at getting rid of his man, has no interest in manning up or is the pawn in one of Daniher's great tactical games. Personally I favor the first option but as it hasn't gone really badly wrong since the Collingwood game I'm willing to accept it for the moment. Am I missing the point here? Is it a further indication that I can't analyse a game to save myself? You decide.

Wallace obviously unleashed the dogs a bit in the third quarter and predictably it went all wrong. With only three goals to the last change their forwards were being destroyed by THE JURASSIC PACK (with tonight's guest member Ben Holland) and their own rubbish kicking. The last five minutes of the third quarter, however, they did start to get on top and pressure us out of it a bit. Panic was starting to creep in a bit and the game high lead of 40 was down to four goals pretty quickly and there's was more than enough time for an undeserved and farcical comeback. Didn't happen, of course, but they did challenge throughout the 4th term as we started to pull the pin a bit. It was more comfortable than the scoreboard would indicate but when Richardson kicked two around the 20 minute mark you would have to have an iron constitution not to have shat yourself at least a little bit. After Holland went off with some kind of groin injury (terrible timing now that he's playing good football) he had another shot that he probably would have kicked on previous evidence but attempted to dish off and cocked up. That pretty much iced it. Troy Simmonds goaled after the siren to make it an even three goals but it was to no avail. They're the worst team to go anywhere near the finals this year - but will presumably not make it - but we'll certainly need to improve to go anywhere near a flag.

Dink Watch
In the absence of Philthy, and the relatively unexciting game Pickett had we introduce a new feature where we track the progress of the 2006 Backline Dink Campaign. There was a bit of it tonight, but you'd expect that the way Richmond played. It wasn't over the top and suited the way the game was being played so you'll cop it.
End: Dink Watch

Incidentally have there ever been a bigger pair of football crowd rejects than the two idiots who spent four quarters up the back of the Ponsford yelling out any shit that came to mind and trying to find an elusive funny. Never before has anybody spent so much time screaming out their stream of conciousness ramblings to absolutely no response. One of them even managed to rip out a couple of racial slurs. Charming. And it marks the first time I've heard any of that shit since we played them on a Friday night a couple of years ago. Did anyone notice that it's 2006? Not these tossers. The only thing moderately hillarious heard all night was when one or the other started screaming out "DAVID NEITZ! MOST OVERRATED PLAYER EVER"! Ironic, don't you think, coming from somebody who has watched Matthew Richardson play for the last decade.

Votes

5 - Matthew Whelan
4 - James McDonald
3 - Russell Robertson
2 - Jared Rivers
1 - Ben Holland

Apologies to Bartram, Bruce, Davey, Green, Pickett, Sylvia, Ward (!), Wheatley, White and Yze

Demonblog.com Player of the Year

35 - Cameron Bruce
25 - Brock McLean
20 - James McDonald
18 - David Neitz
16 - Aaron Davey
16 - Byron Pickett
16 - Brad Green
14 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
12 - Travis Johnstone
11 - Matthew Whelan
9 - Nathan Carroll
9 - Colin Sylvia
6 - Russell Robertson
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Ben Holland
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Adem Yze
2 - Brad Miller
1 - Daniel Ward
1 - Nathan Brown
1 - Jeff White
1 - Matthew Bate (Leader: 2006 Darren Cuthbertson Medal for Rookie Of The Year)

Next week: Fremantle @ Subiaco. We've got a decent record against them there and are playing relatively good football at the moment. I think we can win but you wouldn't have your dollars on any team beating them over there.