Wednesday 20 September 2006

The 2006 Every Day Is Like Sunday Season Review (Part One)

I'll do the player bit sometime when it's not quarter to three in the morning.

Pre-Season Rd. 1
vs Footscray
I thought the game was tomorrow night. I really did. But even with our gimmick lineup we won.

Pre-Season Rd .2
vs Brisbane
For The Tip
And the penalty for losing is a trip to Morwell to see half your team do their knees on a ground that until Friday 5pm was a primary school carpark.

Sanity prevailed and the man we will NEVER EVER REFER TO AS JACK (apart from this time) was given the arse and replaced with the increasingly capable Nathan Carroll.

Pre-Season Rd. 3
vs Adelaide
No Respect
A colossal "fuck you" to whoever is in charge of the mobile phone version of the AFL website. Not only did they decide that tonight's NAB Cup semi-final was between Adelaide and Hawthorn rather than Adelaide and Melbourne, but they then gave the score of the home team to the away team (Hawthorn) thus fooling me briefly, without any access to a tv or radio, into believing we were pissing it in.

Round 1
vs Carlton
No Future
The first quarter was probably the worst game you'll ever see in your life

We, on the other hand, are living in a cycle of recycled players who are past their use-by date, club legends on their last legs and workhorse players whose best days passed them two or three years ago.

Round 2
vs Footscray
Death of A Salesman
As I entered the stadium this afternoon there was a distinct smell of vomit hanging over the place.

Ferguson, however, went off injured with what looked like a broken hand or wrist and that means that if Jared Rivers isn't fit next week then lock up your grandmother because IT'S NICHO TIME

Miller did very little - either he's lost the plot or the opposition have figured him out. One way or the other if he's our captain next year then I'm General Douglas MacArthur and I shall return in about five years when things have really bottomed out.

Round 3
vs Adelaide
I Can Hear The Grass Grow
I live right next door to AFL House and you'd expect that in these circumstances there'd be a repeat of the game where Fitzroy got robbed against Adelaide and their fans spraypainted the place with slogans but I'm just not that concerned.

I'm increasing impressed with Pickett. He's obviously on the big downward slide from his peak but he's still throwing himself in like a madman.

Round 4
vs Sydney
Everybody Is A Star
Jared Rivers gives away a free-kick, throws the ball back to some cheat who extends his hand about 3 centimetres in an "attempt" to catch it. Naturally due to this pissweak effort it flies over his head and the umpire is sucked in like the biggest moron ever to have been born and pays a 50 that ties the scores.

Not newborn fuckwits who jumped on five years ago, wonder when Tony Lockett is coming back and who were only there because the Fox Sports replay of some rubbish Super 12 game between The Highlanders and the Rotorua Rug Rats didn't start until 6pm.

Round 5
vs North Melbourne
Take It To The Limit
We were equally as bad in the first, but they were a different class of slop in the second quarter. Get your "Best of Fitzroy 1996" video out and have a close look because that's probably the only time you'll ever see anything as bad. Kicking backwards, kicking sideways, back and forth they went.

You may have seen some suggestion in this space before the season began that Byron Pickett would be a dud this season. I heartily apologise, as his performances in the last month have shown that he's still got a shitload left in him. Another top performance today. I love the man

Round 6
vs Geelong
Don't Turn Around. Der Koroner's In Town
Is it growing maturity, the realisation that sports really mean fuck all in the grand scheme of things, resignation to a life of being let down by Melbourne or the result of a slow degeneration of my central nervous system.

The critics who would claim I have lost passion (I don't think there any, but it helps me make a point) would do well to get the CCTV footage of when Aaron Davey kicked goal of the year from 8 cars deep in the carpark in the last quarter.

Being a cheer squad official is already like being head spaz - there's no need to make things worse by drawing attention to yourself

Round 7
vs Fremantle
Never Go On Holidays (by Johnny Knoxville)
Aaron Davey had appeared on the front of the Herald Sun sports section dressed, for some reason, as Fred Astaire, down to but not including his shoes (which appeared to be 2003 model Bata Scouts), thus ensuring he would not get a kick

Armed with a pen, sober (ish) and, for the first time this season, clutching a Footy Record, I was taking my duties as Demonblog supersub seriously and was determined to document any and all purple buffoonery for your reading pleasure.

Round 8
vs Hawthorn
Brock and Roll
Take notes Campbell Brown - opposition players probably don't even know who you are let alone whether or not you're actually as unhinged as you behave. You're a cock.

Most exciting was Aaron Davey's rubbing of Brown's head into the ground after kicking his first goal. Reminded me of when Jeff Farmer took a mark against Essendon and stuck the ball in his opponent's face.

"Crawford you fuck. God he's such a...." and suddenly realises that there's nobody there to concur with him. His wild anti-Crawford agenda was puzzling to me but as he was clearly both off his nut and an a-grade nutter it wasn't surprising.

Round 9
vs West Coast
Demonblog's Super Sunday Slopfest Special
Even though we were running them off the park in the early going it became apparent that you simply cannot stop Chris Judd. Short of tying him up and hacking him to pieces with a chainsaw a'la Scarface there is no way you're going to prevent him wrecking you through the centre.

The kick-in fiascos continued as Brad Miller (#4 option for the day) walked over the line, got away with it, and dropped his kick on an Eagles player who kicked a goal anyway to bring the margin back to three points.

Round 10
vs St. Kilda
The first quarter was notable for Melbourne suddenly introducing the dinky "chip it around like twats in the backline" thing that makes even hardened supporters boo their own team

Backline Dink was the still the word of the day but when we finally took the ball outside of the defensive 50 - sometimes even in less time than it took to win the Second World War - we were on fire everywhere.

In fact the wildest scenes were reserved for the time clock on the scoreboard which didn't start for three minutes, then went straight to 2.00, then reset again, went back to 2.00, started counting down, changed to 99.00 and then shut down for the rest of the game.

Round 11
vs Collingwood
Birth of a Legend
Yes. Phil Read, the angriest man alive, returned and everything is alright with the world again.

A steel-trap style Melbourne defence? Has the world gone mad?
Sadly nobody else observed the standing ovation for Philthy that I demanded pre-match

Time-On was spent talking up Philthy Phil and unsuccessfully trying to start a "WE LOVE YOU FILTHY WE DO" chant in an overwhelmingly hostile section.

Round 12
vs Essendon
For those of you who missed it the St. George Bank Dragon beat the Nando's chicken by two lengths with a giant slice of bread third.

And what else is there to be said about Jared Rivers that hasn't been said before? If he ever threatens to go back to Adelaide I suggest an abduction, drugging and cult-like reprogramming to ensure he stays.

Incidentally was I the only one who'd forgotten that Chris Heffernan went back there? How would you feel having being sacked by a team who retained Simon Godfrey?

Johnstone (who's game everyone else seems to getting a semi-lob on about but I didn't fancy that highly)

Round 13/14
vs Port Adelaide and Brisbane
Congratulations I have (re)Arrived
I can't remember what the hell happened to be honest other than firing up the mask gimmick in the 4th quarter and getting absolutely NO POP from the crowd in the bottom desk of the Ponsford Stand.

I have confidence that he'll bounce back but is there any doubt now that Brad Miller's career has gone off the road, plummeted into a ravine and exploded in flames?

Round 15
vs Richmond
Friday Night Slops
Having confidently declared the game against Essendon a few weeks ago to be the worst game I have seen in years I come before you tonight to acclaim a new winner.

The Next Big Thing OUT, Godfrey IN. WHY? If I had righteous indignation at Philthy's exclusion in the first place it was apoplectic rage when it turned out that he'd been considered inferior as a replacement to a man who is almost worse than Scott Chisholm.

Never before has anybody spent so much time screaming out their stream of conciousness ramblings to absolutely no response.

Round 16
vs Fremantle
Slop On Tap
If you're the sort of nutbag who believes that sport can be accurately predicted using omens then you surely would have questioned whether or not it was entirely sensible to go into a game with a six week winning streak wearing a replica of a jumper originally seen in the late 70's/early 80's when we won precisely fuck all and were belted on a weekly basis by everyone other than St. Kilda.

How they could miss a mention of Colin Sylvia sporting a mullet in honor of Heritage Week is a mystery to me though.

Sadly I missed the brawl at halftime because I'd gone outside to ponder the future of the Middle East the moment the siren had gone.

I'm not charging the Panic-O-Meter 1000 yet but Jebus H Christ if we play like that next week we'll get smashed.

Round 17
vs Footscray
Search And Destroy
Of course it's not all roses. When it comes to Melbourne is it ever?

But before we go back to the game a moment please for one of the worst attempts at crowd humor ever. One wag in the bottom of the Ponsford Stand, as Brad Johnson marked in front of Cameron Bruce in the first quarter was heard to yell "Hey Bruce! You're Loose!" as if it were the most cutting insult ever delivered.

Round 18
vs Carlton
What the fuck was that?
Afterall Essendon and Richmond almost managed to beat us by dragging us down to their level and performing the biggest flood since New Orleans.

Everyone knows that I don't play well with others and need to sit away from the crowds for the sake of my own sanity.

Credit to the people who joined in the concerted campaign against the guy and spent four quarters giving it to him every time he opened his mouth and tried to distribute another cracking gag. Credit also for Daniel Ward who gave it back to him

Roll on season 2007 because what happened yesterday screams out to me that we can't win the flag.

Round 19
vs Sydney
Born To Lose
Personally I was as sick as a dog and sat there for four (well, three and a half) quarters looking emo, coughing my lungs out and trying not to throw up before dramatically storming out at the 10 minute mark of the last.

Round 20
vs North Melbourne
Second Half Blitz (by Rowdy)
In the first half I was sitting in my seat, feeling suicidal at the prospect of missing the finals due to another late season collapse.

Had a bogan Roos supporter behind who was talking such drivel, his own family were looking embarrassed

Round 21
vs Geelong
Love Thy Bogan (by Sideshow Bob)
The motivation for my trip to Geelong was wholly and solely based on last year’s miracle win. I can still hear the roar of the Geelong fans fading as Egan’s kick turns to the left, and hugging complete strangers wearing red and blue as if they were my best mates.
Be aware of local customs. This means that when a Melbourne player has his head lopped off or has a Geelong player land square in his back, local custom is to yell the word "Ball" at the top of your voice.

Next week it’s Crows in Adelaide. Collectively, demon fans have marked this down for a loss as of about ten minutes into Round 1

Round 22
vs Adelaide
Suicide Saturday II
And you thought I'd necked myself didn't you?

I would like to think that it had more to do with a sense of self-preservation than sheer incompetence but you just can't tell in these situations. Especially when you've played 0 games and sit on your couch commenting like me.

Elimination Final
vs St. Kilda
Finals (uh!) What are they good for?
Next week we're lambs to the slaughter but right now it feels so good to be in the finals mixer.

Do they drive past speed cameras at 150kmh and go ballistic when they get pinged but sit there at the lights screaming out for the cops to nick people who are doing the limit?

Sad news about Peter Brock and all - and how could you forget with a Holden blimp showing RIP's as it flew around - but the good news is that there's another Brock waiting to become an Australian sporting legend

At which point I jumped up, turned around and delivered the biggest spray I've ever given at a game.

Qualifying Final
vs Fremantle
Weekdays and Bleakdays
Another season flushed down the crapper with little more than a teasing glimpse at Premiership glory.

Then you can run a bus over me, give me ass cancer, send me off with a gun to die on some godforsaken foreign beach - whatever I don't care.

If you want to call cricket then go to Punt Road in December and talk to fifteen people about how Victoria have been forced to follow on or something

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