Saturday 6 August 2005

Death by Football


* Welcome to the Every Day Is Like Sunday liveblog of the Adelaide Crows vs Sandringham Zebras clash from Football Park, Adelaide. The Crows are on fire while the Zebras have been promoted from the VFA this week to replace the Melbourne Football Club who are out with a serious (lack of) heart condition.

* Fox Footy are kind enough to show us stats that announce that for the Rounds 13-18 we are the worst side ever to play AFL/VFL football. Somewhere there's a group of Fitzroy fans pissing themselves laughing and wildly celebrating that somebody has finally beaten their record for slop.

First Quarter

* Shock fucking horror as we lose the first clearance, and concede the first inside 50. Then we also give away the first free kick and cop the first big tackle. You know what comes next.. Though we have gone 2 minutes now without conceding any points, which might be a good start.

* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL by Shannon Motlop. We conceded everything first but the goal. Our chances of winning are now officially 17%

* 13.23 to go and we're still 6-0 up. HIT THE BOUNDARY etc.. I can just see this going backwards very quickly as Rigoni does his second "Kick to space for no reason" manouevre of the day.

* Feck it. Cheap free kick outside 50 leads to Adelaide goal. 7-6. Melbourne Win Index (MWI) = 10%

* And after farcical defensive football inside 50 it's 7-13 and we're done for the day. As much as I demanded Steven Armstrong be in the senior squad you'd want to ask him exactly how he expected to pick up a ball rolling along the ground without actually bending over. MWI = 8%

* GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL - Shannon Motlop again. MWI = 12% and rising as we go into quarter time just three points down. Mind you, if you take any notice of what the commentary team are saying (and bear in mind that it contains Kevin "Simon Godfrey is one of the best kicks in this team!" Bartlett) we're an absolute organisational rabble. They then try and tell us that it was a "great quarter" when in reality it was ultimate slop, so there's a fair to medium chance that they're talking out of their arses. We certainly look like a shambles going forward though, every kick anywhere near Robertson has been shit and apart from Motlop on the deck it doesn't look like we actually have any forwards. *sigh* We're screwed.

Second Quarter

* For some reason Ben Holland is running around like a midfielder despite being slower than a grandmother. I'm not one of the great football minds of the 21st century but wouldn't it make sense to put him up forward and take some of the focus off Robertson?

* Another fucking goal. Wheatley kicks from inside 50 straight onto an opponents chest and then Nicholson, who obviously hasn't actually been watching this season, mistakes an umpire's "hurry up" for a "play on", charges down and cops a 50m penalty that brings the ball into the goalsquare. The commentary team, farces that they are, try to pretend that he was hard done by. How? Where's Clinton Grybas when you need him? MWI = 6%

* GODFREY IS SHIT. GET OFF. Good thing that the Crows clearly can't be bothered and are allowing him to get away with his parade of clangers. Could be worse I suppose, Luke Williams wouldn't get a touch in the first place.

* GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL - And then the big "fuck you" as Godfrey kicks a goal. A more unscrupulous person would delete the last comment and pretend they loved him the whole time, but not me. Quoth KB, "Melbourne supporters love him in the side just because of his toughness". KB is off his face, what do you think Phil Read is there for? His rugged good looks? MWI = 9%

* GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL - Wtf is going on. Yze kicks another one after the assist from Robertson and we're actually winning this fucking thing. It cannot last. MWI = 15% WITH A BULLET.

* We then get the repayment for the alleged Nicholson debacle from earlier in the quarter as Scott (come back I implore you) Thompson marks inside 50, takes one step, is called to play on and gets drilled in a tackle. Lovely. I'm upgrading the win index to 16% just because I can. But then two seconds later we cop a goal anyway and it goes straight back down to 11%

* And another one. Shithouse disposal AGAIN hands the Crows a goal on a silver platter. MWI is finished, it's right down to 4% and plummeting as Adelaide are about to explode and we're about to fall apart as usual. Do you think we'd be doing any better if our "stars" were in the side though? I certainly don't. What does that say to you?

* GOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE. Three in a row for the Crows and stick a fork in us THIS ONE IS DONE. Here's a photographic representation of the last five minutes,

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And the Zeppelin only just manages to avoid crashing straight into a bus of school children and nuns just a few seconds later as Goodwin runs into an open goal and misses. There is every possible chance that their may be further flight disasters throughout this game. MWI = 1% and almost expired. In fact, to avoid wasting precious bandwith, and in light of the fact that Crows have had three more scoring shots and hit the post twice since the goal, let's just call it 0% now. We are done and I can, instead, spend the rest of the match wailing about the unfairness of life.

* GOAL Aaron Davey after a dubious holding the ball free. I suppose this technically increases our chance of winning - as we now go to half-time only 15 points down but lets be completely honest and say that we've got absolutely no chance.

Third Quarter

* Look, I'll be honest with you. I can't be bothered anymore. I'm too depressed with this season to go on. Jeff White goaled, Ryan Ferguson flattened some Adelaide stooge with a Lex Luger-esque forearm smash, then Shannon Motlop goaled as well and again we're back within 4 points.

* KB AGAIN waffles on about how much "we" wanted Godfrey in the side. What MFC fans does this clown surround himself with? Probably the same people who were in love with Scott Chisholm.

* Then we died in the arse again and copped a couple of goals.

Fourth Quarter

* Ahh fuck it. We just folded. Season over.

The week's "NO JUSTIFICATION" Votes. Brought to you in association with our sponsors the Right To Die Lobby.

5 - Daniel Bell
4 - Adem Yze
3 - Shannon Motlop
2 - Ryan Ferguson
1 - Ben Holland

Leaderboard. Winner gets a bucket of slop.

28 - Travis Johnstone
23 - Brad Green
21 - Russell Robertson
18 - Adem Yze
17 - Cameron Bruce, Brent Moloney
10 - Colin Sylvia
9 - Brock McLean, Aaron Davey, Ryan Ferguson
6 - Clint Bizzell
5 - Jared Rivers, David Neitz, Jeff White, Daniel Bell
4 - Alistair Nicholson, Daniel Ward, Phil Read
3 - James McDonald, Brad Miller, Nathan Brown, Russell Robertson, Nathan Carroll, Shannon Motlop
2 - Paul Wheatley, Matthew Whelan
1 - Ben Holland

Next week? Ahhh who gives a shit.

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