In 2001 the MFC instituted a Hall of Fame. It was all very much in the clouds as even though they kept putting people in it as far as I know there were never plans for any actual memorabilia collection or permanent tribute to those who were put in.
Between 2001 and 2008 there were 41 people named to the Hall - 23 in 2001, five in 2003, seven in 2006 and six in 2008 yet our website doesn't acknowledge that it exists other than a list of names that hasn't even been updated to include the '08 inductees. It deserves better, and in a roundabout way that involves tearing it all up and starting again that's what I'm proposing.
Now admittedly that 41 covers pretty much everybody up to this point in time who deserves to be named, but given that the original Hall was generally abandoned in the midst of the disarray which surrounded the switch between the Gardner/Stynes administrations and the far more important task of saving the club I think it's time to start talking about the Hall again. Wasting the last three years on Demonwiki has given me a great appreciation of the history of this club and it deserves to be told to a wider audience, and to allow the fans of today to share in their own piece of it.
And with that I present to you the Demonblog plan for a new Hall of Fame. Firstly it should be pointed out that the idea is shamelessly stolen from the Baseball Hall of Fame and its induction procedures.
First an explanatory note - I'm going to pretend for the sake of what follows that we forget the first Hall ever existed and start from scratch. Realistically de-inducting people (uninducting?) might be too politically sensitive to consider, but equally I doubt anyone, probably including the inductees themselves, would actually remember it taking place anyway. There's scope to start again but this time to include the fans and make a big deal out of it. If we're not going to win anything in the modern era (yet...) let's at least wave around what we have done in the past and the many great figures who have been involved with us.
Plenty of clubs have a Hall Of Fame (unless you're an AFL propped up franchise with ten minutes of history) but how many of them include the fans on the selection process? Time to engage the fanbase with our history rather than just giving them drips of it here and there. So much the better if we end up with some kind of permanent exhibition - preferably at the MCG itself - about the history of the club.
So as discussed the major downside is that to start with a fresh hall you have to empty the original one. I can understand that the club might not want to run the risk of upsetting the living and the families of the dead so I'm proposing that this be labelled as a "Fan's Hall of Fame". The club runs the voting on behalf of the fans but its made clear that they're not really making any of the decisions and that the people inducted into the original Hall are still there doing whatever it is they do when they're in a forgotten Hall of Fame.
Alternatively they could just restart the existing version when somebody is worthy of being let in but I'm going for interactivity here. It works something like this:
- Players, coaches and administrators to become eligible for election five years after they stop playing, coaching or administrating.
- Voting will be weighted 70/30 between members and a special Hall of Fame panel consisting of current administrators, historians, prominent fans etc.. This means that the 'fans' still have the overall numbers but that there are some checks against bizarro voting and mass hysteria.
- All players with over 100 games go on the ballot as well as administrators, coaches and other players at the discretion of the Hall of Fame panel. To ensure quality control on the first ballot the HoF panel will only choose additional names from the 150 Heroes named in 2008.
- All people inducted into the original Hall will appear on the first ballot along with anybody else who becomes eligible at the end of that first year (if it starts at the end of 2012 then the players to have retired or left five years previous with 100+ games are Nathan Brown, Daniel Ward, Travis Johnstone and Clint Bizzell along with Neale Daniher. Nothing to see here as far as Hall inductees I'd have thought but some years will be better than others).
- In October every year all adult members will receive access to a website where each potential nominee will be profiled. They can then cast five votes for their chosen candidates. After the first few years this could increase to five mandatory votes + five optional votes or ten optional votes. To be decided in the event that this wacky scheme somehow gets up.
- For the first five years the top three vote getters will be elected to the Hall. After that it will be anybody who is chosen on at least 75% of ballots based on the weighting.
- After the first five years anybody who gets less than 5% of the vote in a year will be removed from the ballot permanently. There will be no limit to the amount of people who are allowed on the ballot as long as they meet the entry criteria and haven't been excluded for not meeting the 5% mark.
- As a sample lets say that Norm Smith, Ron Barassi and Robbie Flower are the top three inductees at the end of Year 1. They would all be inducted and their names removed from the 2013 ballot to be replaced by Adem Yze, Jeff White and any other players with over 100 games who played their last match at the end of 2008.
- The process continues over the first four years. After the fifth year (2016) anybody who doesn't appear on 5% of ballots is removed, so for instance if Yze's figures went 12%, 20%, 9%, 7%, 3% he would then be removed. There is no limit to how long somebody can stay on the ballot as long as they keep earning the required 5%.
- From the fifth year onwards nobody will be inducted unless they appear on 75% of ballots, this will ensure only quality makes the Hall.
Aside from highlighting three (to start with) of the greatest figures the club has ever had every year it adds something new to the conversation amongst our fans. Is Aaron Davey Hall worthy? Would you vote for Brad Green? At what point did Neitz become a solid gold certainty for induction? It adds an extra layer of debate and buzz around the club and online, the lobbying for people to get their chosen players up and the excitement about the inductees being named.
Feel free to pick holes in this concept, and I don't in any way expect that it will be taken up by the club, but it irks me that we've totally forgotten about the Hall of Fame that does (in theory) exist and anything that adds to the conversation about bringing some sort of recognition back can't hurt.
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Friday, 13 January 2012
Demonblog's top 20 footy videos of all-time
Realistically I just wanted all the classics that I've seen a thousand times in one place for reference without having to log in to YouTube. Seems as good a place as any. If there's anything that needs to be considered for future editions please advise.
20. Jako's karaoke masterclass
What countdown is complete without about 50 Jako videos? Surely the only thing that can lure him out of hiding right now is the promise of a national tour for Trial By Video.
Jako is on from 4 minutes 30 seconds. Watch and you will surely agree that there is no way that the great man went home that night unlaid.
19. Sydney Swans apology
Probably the most smug moment in football broadcasting history. Appeals to me for the sheer random nature of the idea the fact that some poor production assistant was dispatched to work out who had tipped the Swans for the spoon and that moment when we first watched it and thought "where the hell are they going with this?" before the big reveal at the end.
But where was "The Sydney Swans would like to thank Melbourne for throwing the Round 22 game in order to get a priority pick"? We had a hand in that finals run too. Also notice that somehow not one single person connected with Channel 10 gets a run. Did they really all not pick Sydney to finish last or was history quickly rewritten so they didn't look like complete hypocrites?
18. Coach loses it with obscenity laden tirade
Has anyone ever verified that this is legitimate? Still sounds to me like somebody's in the background pissing themselves and the guy screaming even loses it at one point but I want to believe it is.
I especially want it to be real considering that at the start he says he's not going to start ranting and raving and then 30 seconds later he's telling somebody to shove a can of Solo up their arse. So many great lines, so many great memories, let's all go off to St Albans next year.
17. McDonalds Footy Burger
The grab and the catchphrase which was responsible for the crippling of hundreds of children across the land in the late 90's. Deserves a comeback even if the burger in question was really just a Double Cheeseburger after an unconvincing rebrand.
16. Full Metal Barassi
The presence of this video in any countdown is a total conflict of interest considering that I made it (and not very well at that) but, you know, go with it.
What I really wanted was this audio over the vision of Barassi vs Shane Zantuck at Waverley in the early 80's but I couldn't be bothered finding it so this will do.
15. Jako kisses less talented brother
One of the trifecta of great memorable moments of our games against West Coast in the early 90's alongside Jako and John Worsfold having an argument through a fence and Chris Lewis eating Todd Viney's finger for lunch.
14. Comeback against Freo
Viewed in isolation the second half of this game is probably the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. Taken in the context of the era you scream "by christ how did we get nine goals behind in the first place?" and wonder if you should watch through your fingers because it's actually symptomatic of what's been wrong with us for the last five years.
For the purposes of this countdown I'm declaring it glorious.
13. The best of Mark Jackson
Six minutes of highlights of his insane behaviour commentated by the great man himself to a backdrop of canned laughter despite the interview taking place in the middle of the MCG at the hands of somebody called Darren Casey who was probably famous in the 90's.
Features the great segment when he claims Ron Barassi "couldn't coach pigs to be dirty", suggests that Mal Brown was misunderstood, admits to having set Lindsay Fox on fire and declares that John Devine shouldn't have been allowed on the mainland of Australia.
12. Jacko - Me Brain Hurts
Speaking of Jacko it would be simple to opt for the tried and true "I'm An Individual" but this offers so much more. Primative special effects and the Mark "Jacko" Jackson dancers prancing about in a boxing ring.
Not surprisingly failed to do as well in the charts as its predecessor
11. The as yet uncrowned 1991 Goal of the Year
Peter Daicos rolling one in from the boundary against the Brisbane Bears be buggered, this was the real deal. JUSTICE FOR JAKO.
10. Jamar walks off on Andy Maher
Ok so it's another one of mine but how much glee do you get watching Maher standing there looking stupid after the Russian becomes fed up and trudges off. This is the day where Mark Jamar stepped up from ok (having only stepped up from atrocious a year earlier) to being an UTTER BEAST of a fan favourite.
9. 1987 Prelim Final - MFC fan version
Yep that'll do nicely thanks. Roll on '88.
8. Ischenko Ischenko
The track that launched a thousand Moscow Moscow parodies. 998 of them by me.
7. Crows fan has a cry
No matter how low things get never be seen crying on camera. Pour your heart out if you must but don't charge towards a news crew and give them your side of the story because it will end up on YouTube forever and you will be labelled one of history's greatest tits.
The worst thing is the emphasis he puts on "me" as if it's so much worse that they were apparently robbed (and to be honest I've forgotten what happened in that game) in his presence. You're not the Governor General mate, you're a pisshead from Norwood get back across the border.
It's a shame nobody has an audio recording of the Melbourne ran who rang SEN after the Richmond game this year and started crying about how we were rubbish (really? Well done noticing that three weeks after the 186 debacle) while a dog frantically wailed in the background. It was absolutely chaotic radio the likes of which had never been heard before. His voice went even higher than the helium assisted Chris from Camberwell.
6. Hello Melbourne
"Surely nothing could go wrong", thought somebody at Channel 7, "if we got a bunch of footballers to record our jingle". Well nothing if you don't consider the most tuneless bunch of performers in history nervously butchering the track to be a problem.
In the spirit of openness and friendship they even invited an umpire to do a line but it rapidly becomes clear that the only reason he was asked to turn up is because his singing is so much creaky than even the worst of the footy players that he almost makes them look talented.
Look also for a young Gerard Healy extolling the virtues of Melbourne as a city about ten minutes before he took a paper bag stuffed with cash from Geoff Edelsten and pissed off to the Swans.
5. C'mon Demons
Not quite the apex of the 1980's craze for sports teams releasing cheesy singles (lest we forget the Los Angeles Rams telling us that they're going to "ram it all night long") but it's hard to think of anybody in Australia who did anything even remotely comparable. My personal highlight is Strawbs O'Dwyer scaring his own child just by looking at it.
Come on Melbourne FC hierachy, I know you're reading so let me tell you that the people want - nay DEMAND - that this is played on the big screen before a match at least once next season. Admittedly it would probably be better to do it against an interstate side so that we don't look completely stupid but that's ok because the 10,000 of us who are there will love it. Do it now. Is it true that this was written by Chris Connolly? He could do a live performance with Russell Robertson and Olivia Newton-John.
4. Sticks sings Stand By Your Man
It's the way his voice breaks a bit when he sings "sometimes it's haaaard to be a woman" which makes the Carlton premiership captain's rendition of this solid gold country hit far superior to that of, say, Tammy Wynette.
It's incredible that in any video featuring somebody sporting an immense mullet and a handheld microphone that big they would only be the 2nd and 3rd funniest things on offer. I was trapped inside a Chilean mine for 30 days I'd ask that they lowered down a phone with this on it.
Surely there's a version of this somewhere with just Sticks warbling and not some peanut giving us Pop Up Video style tidbits about Justin Madden.
3. The Frustrated Melbourne supporter
Look, it could be a set-up but just suspend your disbelief for a second and see yourself in this man's murderous eyes. If it is a fake then it approaches Trent From Punchy style levels of genius when he does the stand-up dance and declares that "they never fuckin' do anything!"
Several people have suggested that this might be me. Fortunately not but I can confirm that left alone in a house with just the Port Adelaide Round 24 game I was a lot more abusive towards the TV screen and inanimate objects.
2. Warwick Capper - I Only Take What's Mine
With apologies to Jacko and Carl Lewis this is probably the greatest song ever performed by an active athlete. Don't tell the other party but I'm going to come in to my wedding with this playing.
The tragedy of it all is that it didn't make the top 100 anywhere. Not in Melbourne or Sydney much less nationally. This deserves to be covered, and it deserves to be covered by one of the great superstars of the AFL. Shame most of them are as boring as a weekend in Omeo and wouldn't dare do it in case their modelling (or environmental warrior) careers were affected. Fire up you softcocks and be more like the original Wiz.
1. The Jurrahcane vs Alan Partridge
Admittedly this might not mean as much to you as it does to somebody like me who has watched every piece of Partridge related footage about 500 times and even stumped up for his fictional autobiography BUT if you don't like it do your own countdown. Compare if required to the original and then spend the rest of your screaming "AND ANOTHER!" whenever something happens in the office and accusing people of having a "foot like a traction engine".
Hint: I would gain significant respect for our cheersquad if they made banners referencing this video.
Double hint: We want a 2012 edition. Same commentary will do, just more killer highlights required.
20. Jako's karaoke masterclass
What countdown is complete without about 50 Jako videos? Surely the only thing that can lure him out of hiding right now is the promise of a national tour for Trial By Video.
Jako is on from 4 minutes 30 seconds. Watch and you will surely agree that there is no way that the great man went home that night unlaid.
19. Sydney Swans apology
Probably the most smug moment in football broadcasting history. Appeals to me for the sheer random nature of the idea the fact that some poor production assistant was dispatched to work out who had tipped the Swans for the spoon and that moment when we first watched it and thought "where the hell are they going with this?" before the big reveal at the end.
But where was "The Sydney Swans would like to thank Melbourne for throwing the Round 22 game in order to get a priority pick"? We had a hand in that finals run too. Also notice that somehow not one single person connected with Channel 10 gets a run. Did they really all not pick Sydney to finish last or was history quickly rewritten so they didn't look like complete hypocrites?
18. Coach loses it with obscenity laden tirade
Has anyone ever verified that this is legitimate? Still sounds to me like somebody's in the background pissing themselves and the guy screaming even loses it at one point but I want to believe it is.
I especially want it to be real considering that at the start he says he's not going to start ranting and raving and then 30 seconds later he's telling somebody to shove a can of Solo up their arse. So many great lines, so many great memories, let's all go off to St Albans next year.
17. McDonalds Footy Burger
The grab and the catchphrase which was responsible for the crippling of hundreds of children across the land in the late 90's. Deserves a comeback even if the burger in question was really just a Double Cheeseburger after an unconvincing rebrand.
16. Full Metal Barassi
The presence of this video in any countdown is a total conflict of interest considering that I made it (and not very well at that) but, you know, go with it.
What I really wanted was this audio over the vision of Barassi vs Shane Zantuck at Waverley in the early 80's but I couldn't be bothered finding it so this will do.
15. Jako kisses less talented brother
One of the trifecta of great memorable moments of our games against West Coast in the early 90's alongside Jako and John Worsfold having an argument through a fence and Chris Lewis eating Todd Viney's finger for lunch.
14. Comeback against Freo
Viewed in isolation the second half of this game is probably the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. Taken in the context of the era you scream "by christ how did we get nine goals behind in the first place?" and wonder if you should watch through your fingers because it's actually symptomatic of what's been wrong with us for the last five years.
For the purposes of this countdown I'm declaring it glorious.
13. The best of Mark Jackson
Six minutes of highlights of his insane behaviour commentated by the great man himself to a backdrop of canned laughter despite the interview taking place in the middle of the MCG at the hands of somebody called Darren Casey who was probably famous in the 90's.
Features the great segment when he claims Ron Barassi "couldn't coach pigs to be dirty", suggests that Mal Brown was misunderstood, admits to having set Lindsay Fox on fire and declares that John Devine shouldn't have been allowed on the mainland of Australia.
12. Jacko - Me Brain Hurts
Speaking of Jacko it would be simple to opt for the tried and true "I'm An Individual" but this offers so much more. Primative special effects and the Mark "Jacko" Jackson dancers prancing about in a boxing ring.
Not surprisingly failed to do as well in the charts as its predecessor
11. The as yet uncrowned 1991 Goal of the Year
Peter Daicos rolling one in from the boundary against the Brisbane Bears be buggered, this was the real deal. JUSTICE FOR JAKO.
10. Jamar walks off on Andy Maher
Ok so it's another one of mine but how much glee do you get watching Maher standing there looking stupid after the Russian becomes fed up and trudges off. This is the day where Mark Jamar stepped up from ok (having only stepped up from atrocious a year earlier) to being an UTTER BEAST of a fan favourite.
9. 1987 Prelim Final - MFC fan version
Yep that'll do nicely thanks. Roll on '88.
8. Ischenko Ischenko
The track that launched a thousand Moscow Moscow parodies. 998 of them by me.
7. Crows fan has a cry
No matter how low things get never be seen crying on camera. Pour your heart out if you must but don't charge towards a news crew and give them your side of the story because it will end up on YouTube forever and you will be labelled one of history's greatest tits.
The worst thing is the emphasis he puts on "me" as if it's so much worse that they were apparently robbed (and to be honest I've forgotten what happened in that game) in his presence. You're not the Governor General mate, you're a pisshead from Norwood get back across the border.
It's a shame nobody has an audio recording of the Melbourne ran who rang SEN after the Richmond game this year and started crying about how we were rubbish (really? Well done noticing that three weeks after the 186 debacle) while a dog frantically wailed in the background. It was absolutely chaotic radio the likes of which had never been heard before. His voice went even higher than the helium assisted Chris from Camberwell.
6. Hello Melbourne
"Surely nothing could go wrong", thought somebody at Channel 7, "if we got a bunch of footballers to record our jingle". Well nothing if you don't consider the most tuneless bunch of performers in history nervously butchering the track to be a problem.
In the spirit of openness and friendship they even invited an umpire to do a line but it rapidly becomes clear that the only reason he was asked to turn up is because his singing is so much creaky than even the worst of the footy players that he almost makes them look talented.
Look also for a young Gerard Healy extolling the virtues of Melbourne as a city about ten minutes before he took a paper bag stuffed with cash from Geoff Edelsten and pissed off to the Swans.
5. C'mon Demons
Not quite the apex of the 1980's craze for sports teams releasing cheesy singles (lest we forget the Los Angeles Rams telling us that they're going to "ram it all night long") but it's hard to think of anybody in Australia who did anything even remotely comparable. My personal highlight is Strawbs O'Dwyer scaring his own child just by looking at it.
Come on Melbourne FC hierachy, I know you're reading so let me tell you that the people want - nay DEMAND - that this is played on the big screen before a match at least once next season. Admittedly it would probably be better to do it against an interstate side so that we don't look completely stupid but that's ok because the 10,000 of us who are there will love it. Do it now. Is it true that this was written by Chris Connolly? He could do a live performance with Russell Robertson and Olivia Newton-John.
4. Sticks sings Stand By Your Man
It's the way his voice breaks a bit when he sings "sometimes it's haaaard to be a woman" which makes the Carlton premiership captain's rendition of this solid gold country hit far superior to that of, say, Tammy Wynette.
It's incredible that in any video featuring somebody sporting an immense mullet and a handheld microphone that big they would only be the 2nd and 3rd funniest things on offer. I was trapped inside a Chilean mine for 30 days I'd ask that they lowered down a phone with this on it.
Surely there's a version of this somewhere with just Sticks warbling and not some peanut giving us Pop Up Video style tidbits about Justin Madden.
3. The Frustrated Melbourne supporter
Look, it could be a set-up but just suspend your disbelief for a second and see yourself in this man's murderous eyes. If it is a fake then it approaches Trent From Punchy style levels of genius when he does the stand-up dance and declares that "they never fuckin' do anything!"
Several people have suggested that this might be me. Fortunately not but I can confirm that left alone in a house with just the Port Adelaide Round 24 game I was a lot more abusive towards the TV screen and inanimate objects.
2. Warwick Capper - I Only Take What's Mine
With apologies to Jacko and Carl Lewis this is probably the greatest song ever performed by an active athlete. Don't tell the other party but I'm going to come in to my wedding with this playing.
The tragedy of it all is that it didn't make the top 100 anywhere. Not in Melbourne or Sydney much less nationally. This deserves to be covered, and it deserves to be covered by one of the great superstars of the AFL. Shame most of them are as boring as a weekend in Omeo and wouldn't dare do it in case their modelling (or environmental warrior) careers were affected. Fire up you softcocks and be more like the original Wiz.
1. The Jurrahcane vs Alan Partridge
Admittedly this might not mean as much to you as it does to somebody like me who has watched every piece of Partridge related footage about 500 times and even stumped up for his fictional autobiography BUT if you don't like it do your own countdown. Compare if required to the original and then spend the rest of your screaming "AND ANOTHER!" whenever something happens in the office and accusing people of having a "foot like a traction engine".
Hint: I would gain significant respect for our cheersquad if they made banners referencing this video.
Double hint: We want a 2012 edition. Same commentary will do, just more killer highlights required.
Thursday, 12 January 2012
New Year Wishlist
We surveyed the employees at Demonblog Towers (now trading in its 8th different location since the blog started) about what they're wishing for our players next year - as well as for some prominent ex-Demons. In order to spare any legal trouble we won't attribute the comments to the people who made them.
Except the $cully one, I wrote that. Do a hammy you clown.
MFC list
2. Nathan Jones
Improve further on last year's strong(ish) season. Keep kicking goals and become a weapon in the midfield to complement Moloney/Trengove.
3. Clint Bartram
Grasp the concept of kicking to a target.
4. Jack Watts
One break-out year. 30 goals off half-forward and more assists than you can shake a stick at. Reach a point where any comparisons to Nic Nat and Hurley are completely stupid because - as with Nick Riewoldt vs Jack Frawley - it doesn't matter which one is 1% better because they're all guns.
5. Jordan Gysberts
Consistency. Use the increased focus on Trengove to run riot and give us another killer weapon in the midfield.
6. Matthew Bate
Bely the fact that you're the slowest man on earth to make the move to the midfield group a success. Anything that makes you realise going to Footscray is a fate worse than death.
7. Jamie Bennell
Find a spot. Forward, back, whatever. Just find somewhere, make it your own and stop tempting coaches to drag you from one end to the other on a whim like a miniature Brad Miller.
8. James Frawley
Become the out-and-out superstar that you deserve to be - starting with the All-Australian FB slot. You shudder to think how bad we'd have been defensively last year if he wasn't down there.
9. Jack Trengove
Don't get killed by the 'next big thing', 'next captain' talk. Become the gamebreaker that we desperately need. Outshine everything the $2 Million Turd does for the rest of your respective careers.
10. Cale Morton
Either learn to go in for hard balls or return to being the Thin White Duke who ripped out some absolutely bananas games in his first two seasons. It probably doesn't help that there's a collective groan every time he gets the ball but some confidence would help. One free booking with the club psychologist. Surely we have a club psychologist.
11. Mitch Clark
Forget the ludicrously overblown pricetag on your head and the fact that we're pinning our hopes on you being the next big thing as a full forward despite never having kicked 30 goals in a season. Just get down there, throw your body around, take out some good defenders and contribute. If Jurrah winds up kicking 70 goals and you get 30 as the highest paid decoy in league history then at least you got a hundred between you.
12. Colin Sylvia
Go to bed early and stop being a dickhead off-field. I'll suspend the secondary wish of a vicious Mark Neeld right hook to the head until he commits another atrocity.
13. Jordie McKenzie
Smash the all-time record for tackles in a season (202 at 8.08 per game stats fans) and become universally acknowledged as one of the great draft bargains of our time.
14. Lynden Dunn
Shave off that ludicrous bum-fluff, the joke is over. Also find a way to win a permanent spot in the side now that despite two half decent seasons he finds himself sliding down the pecking order amongst our 2000 mid-sized forwards.
15. Ricky Petterd
Watch the video of that Richmond game over and over again. Contribute goals but more importantly contribute pressure. Inform Lynden Dunn that you will not be bumped out of the side by somebody with a ludicrous mo.
16. Jack Grimes
Fitness. My god one full season of fitness. Look at Moloney and Rivers - even if you've been persecuted for years you just need to get on a roll and you can string a few years together without ending up in traction.
17. Sam Blease
Build on your good start, tonk some decent teams. Start with a good run in the NAB Cup so we know you weren't a one hit wonder.
18. Brad Green
To stay captain and stick it up your detractors. Didn't do much for the art of captaincy last year but please explain who would have been able to marshal that burnt out wreck of a side? Unless there are behind the scenes shenanigans afoot I see no reason to spit in the face of a 10+ year servant of the club who - lest we forget - could have been off at Collingwood playing for flags now.
19. James Strauss
No lasting effects from that injury, and to not have the filthy vultures at Channel Seven and Fox Sports show it ad nauseum when you come back.
20. Colin Garland
Stay fit, develop a facial expression which doesn't make you look permanently stoned. Keep doing what you've been doing - it's working.
21. Lucas Cook
If you're going to initially struggle to get a spot in our allegedly star studded forward line at least play consistently good VFL seniors games. Surely we've passed the era where we're just handing out games to anybody these days, so earn your spot with a huge run of good games. Should help now that VFL fodder like Fev and Juice are out of the way at Casey.
22. Brent Moloney
Continual to be a natural leader. Demand improvement and better help from your teammates - tell them when they're not helping. Watch the Best Of The Psychic Friends Connection video compilation and work out how you can use your winning tag team with Jamar to advantage despite every other team in the competition knowing he's going to aim for you most of the time.
24. Liam Jurrah
Just give us highlights out the yin yang. We want another video like this. Sure we'll have to go through the same old whinging and moaning about disinterest in forward pressure but I can take that as long as the rest of them are covering for The Jurrahcane while he plays his natural game and snaps goals out of his arse. Of course "natural game" and "Mark Neeld" do not appear to mesh so whatever he's forced into I hope he can manage it without disaster.
25. Tom McDonald
Be the man who is ready to step in on a minute's notice when one of our first choice defenders inevitably injures himself.
26. Daniel Nicholson
Bring the pace. Be our nominated rookie who can play from Round 1.
27. Jared Rivers
Show everyone, including me, why you deserved such a high finish in the B&F. Exorcise the demons of last year by thrashing buggery out of Travis Cloke on Queen's Birthday when the coaching staff get wise this time and give you some help instead of just marooning you in the square to look stupid.
28. Joel Macdonald
The clock is ticking so you might not play every week, but when you make sure you continue to be an angry bastard. Whatever else happened last year we'll never forget that filthy look for Morton against Collingwood.
30. James Sellar
Win back some respect. Doesn't have to play 22 games, or even 12 games. Just be a big bodied player ready to go if required and if all goes well we go into 2013 having saved your career.
32. Michael Evans
Don't just start handballing every time and then piss off to Hawthorn in order to play in their reserves like the last bloke with that number.
34. The Stefan Martin Experience
Capitalise on a break-out season. Keep racking up the disposals around the ground and providing a handy back-up for Jamar. Also keep drifting forward to kick goals.
35. Luke Tapscott
Become the best kick-in player for the MFC since.. Anyone? (Warning - do not say Travis Johnstone or I'll have you sectioned under the Mental Health Act)
36. Aaron Davey
Go back to the forward line and crumb like buggery. Remember you're the man who practically invented forward pressure in the mid 2000's. Sure there were some great years in the midfield and off half-back flank but it's time to come home Flash.
37. Max Gawn
Get well soon you mammoth, man mountain of a human. May you one day achieve your dream of killing James Bond.
38. Jeremy Howe
Continue where you left off, be one of the pillars in our Multiple Towers of Terror forward line. Either feed off Clark taking the best defenders or free him up to play against the slop.
39. Neville Jetta
A decent run in the side, and not one that involves wearing a stupid green vest every second week. While we're at it how about the abolition of the sub rule entirely so that fringe players like this can get a decent run at senior level without the shadow of having to sit on the bench for three quarters hanging over their head?
40. Mark Jamar
A year of good health. You deserve it. 2010 cannot stand alone as the one year that you became one of Australia's greatest living humans and didn't suffer an injury. And the rest of us deserve another great year because by my count you're still 3-6 considering 2003-08 were so dire.
Also to qualify as Vladimir Putin's running mate at the Russian Presidential election despite not actually being Russian in any way.
41. Troy Davis
I still have no idea who this is.
42. Jake Spencer
Win some respect after becoming somewhat of a comedy figure over the last couple of years (sorry, I think I contributed). Also to avoid going 0-9 and setting a new record for Melbourne matches without a victory. Frankly if he somehow manages to play nine games and doesn't win one of them we're all going to end up having to go under heavy sedation.
43. Rory Taggert
Whatever it is that you do, do it well in the VFL and I hope we're going well enough in the seniors to not require you until 2013. Also I'm hoping for another series of your Scottish detective show.
44. Rohan Bail
A full season. Otherwise just keep doing what you do because you've got cult figure value coming out the wazoo.
45. Kelvin Lawrence
To play 'seniors' during the NAB Cup and smash the VFL en route to a mid-season debut if/when the aforementioned Davey to the pocket experiment dies in the arse.
46. Josh Tynan
See Rory Taggert but without the Scottish bit.
47. Tom Couch
To play good football in the NAB Cup and stake a claim for a Round 1 spot. Also to do one thing without the papers pointing out who your dad is.
48. Jack Fitzpatrick
To play a senior game that doesn't involve the same comedy factor as Round 24 last year. In fact to play another senior game full stop - the last place you want to end your career is on this list.
49. James Magner
Get a game against St Kilda, smash them and wave two fingers in the general direction of their recruiting staff who let you get away.
50. Jai Sheahan
Enjoy having the silliest first name in MFC history. Hopefully en route to playing seniors at some point.
51. Leigh Williams
Make the transition to VFL football comfortably en route to a 2013 debut. Do everything that we wanted Clutterbuck to do before youstole took his spot on the rookie list.
Players at other clubs
Cameron Bruce
Do the right thing for the club who made you by stuffing up the Hawks when we play them. Preferably with a failed dinky kick across the goalmouth.
Darren Jolly
I can't wish him badly but unfortunately as he plays for scum it'll have to be a golden season in a rotten team. Also make Pendlebury look so good that GW$ offer him the most ridiculous contract in history, sucking the Pies into matching it which causes them to lose every other good player on the list and end up in the slop.
Emo Maric
To appear in Richmond's team photo with a broad grin before slowly returning to your normal depressive state as the season goes on and you realise that playing for Richmond is even more soul destroying than playing for us.
Junior McDonald
To be the only player to come out of the Franchise with any credit whatsoever. May you win their Best and Fairest by 300 votes from the Big Setant in second place and then come home to where you belong. The people who didn't appreciate you are gone now, it's safe to come back.
Brock McLean
Play at least one blinder in the ones for the sake of your own mental health. As long as it's not against us. Cause me to cop outright abuse from Twitter again after suggesting you'd be better than half our list in the emotional wake of a disappointing loss.
Bradforth Miller
It's about time Richmond weren't complete gash, and as long as they're not competing with us for a spot in the eight I hope Brad goes off his nut. Still doesn't mean I wanted to keep him, even if he kicks 80 goals, but you can't begrudge him some success. Also for Pia to return to the Melbourne fold just for the hornbags.
Scumbag Scully
A fractured kneecap, caused by your kneecap smashing you square in the face as you collapse the ground after suffering two broken ankles. And to invest all your ill-gotten money in Qintex and/or a Nigerian internet scam.
Scott Thompson
Win the Brownlow. I'm over the proto-Scully anger about him leaving. Hell why not win a flag? If we're not going to win it I could have half a toss which interstate team does (other than the franchises) as long as I don't know any of their fans and don't have to hear about it.
Matthew Warnock
Enjoy enhancing your status as the player with the worst win/loss record in the AFL. Be comforted by the fact you'd have to go 0-18 this year to nudge into the top 20 of all time least successful VFL/AFL players. Did a lot of good work in the 2008-2009 dark seasons and will hopefully stay sane and free of shell-shock long enough to do it again.
Except the $cully one, I wrote that. Do a hammy you clown.
MFC list
2. Nathan Jones
Improve further on last year's strong(ish) season. Keep kicking goals and become a weapon in the midfield to complement Moloney/Trengove.
3. Clint Bartram
Grasp the concept of kicking to a target.
4. Jack Watts
One break-out year. 30 goals off half-forward and more assists than you can shake a stick at. Reach a point where any comparisons to Nic Nat and Hurley are completely stupid because - as with Nick Riewoldt vs Jack Frawley - it doesn't matter which one is 1% better because they're all guns.
5. Jordan Gysberts
Consistency. Use the increased focus on Trengove to run riot and give us another killer weapon in the midfield.
6. Matthew Bate
Bely the fact that you're the slowest man on earth to make the move to the midfield group a success. Anything that makes you realise going to Footscray is a fate worse than death.
7. Jamie Bennell
Find a spot. Forward, back, whatever. Just find somewhere, make it your own and stop tempting coaches to drag you from one end to the other on a whim like a miniature Brad Miller.
8. James Frawley
Become the out-and-out superstar that you deserve to be - starting with the All-Australian FB slot. You shudder to think how bad we'd have been defensively last year if he wasn't down there.
9. Jack Trengove
Don't get killed by the 'next big thing', 'next captain' talk. Become the gamebreaker that we desperately need. Outshine everything the $2 Million Turd does for the rest of your respective careers.
10. Cale Morton
Either learn to go in for hard balls or return to being the Thin White Duke who ripped out some absolutely bananas games in his first two seasons. It probably doesn't help that there's a collective groan every time he gets the ball but some confidence would help. One free booking with the club psychologist. Surely we have a club psychologist.
11. Mitch Clark
Forget the ludicrously overblown pricetag on your head and the fact that we're pinning our hopes on you being the next big thing as a full forward despite never having kicked 30 goals in a season. Just get down there, throw your body around, take out some good defenders and contribute. If Jurrah winds up kicking 70 goals and you get 30 as the highest paid decoy in league history then at least you got a hundred between you.
12. Colin Sylvia
Go to bed early and stop being a dickhead off-field. I'll suspend the secondary wish of a vicious Mark Neeld right hook to the head until he commits another atrocity.
13. Jordie McKenzie
Smash the all-time record for tackles in a season (202 at 8.08 per game stats fans) and become universally acknowledged as one of the great draft bargains of our time.
14. Lynden Dunn
Shave off that ludicrous bum-fluff, the joke is over. Also find a way to win a permanent spot in the side now that despite two half decent seasons he finds himself sliding down the pecking order amongst our 2000 mid-sized forwards.
15. Ricky Petterd
Watch the video of that Richmond game over and over again. Contribute goals but more importantly contribute pressure. Inform Lynden Dunn that you will not be bumped out of the side by somebody with a ludicrous mo.
16. Jack Grimes
Fitness. My god one full season of fitness. Look at Moloney and Rivers - even if you've been persecuted for years you just need to get on a roll and you can string a few years together without ending up in traction.
17. Sam Blease
Build on your good start, tonk some decent teams. Start with a good run in the NAB Cup so we know you weren't a one hit wonder.
18. Brad Green
To stay captain and stick it up your detractors. Didn't do much for the art of captaincy last year but please explain who would have been able to marshal that burnt out wreck of a side? Unless there are behind the scenes shenanigans afoot I see no reason to spit in the face of a 10+ year servant of the club who - lest we forget - could have been off at Collingwood playing for flags now.
19. James Strauss
No lasting effects from that injury, and to not have the filthy vultures at Channel Seven and Fox Sports show it ad nauseum when you come back.
20. Colin Garland
Stay fit, develop a facial expression which doesn't make you look permanently stoned. Keep doing what you've been doing - it's working.
21. Lucas Cook
If you're going to initially struggle to get a spot in our allegedly star studded forward line at least play consistently good VFL seniors games. Surely we've passed the era where we're just handing out games to anybody these days, so earn your spot with a huge run of good games. Should help now that VFL fodder like Fev and Juice are out of the way at Casey.
22. Brent Moloney
Continual to be a natural leader. Demand improvement and better help from your teammates - tell them when they're not helping. Watch the Best Of The Psychic Friends Connection video compilation and work out how you can use your winning tag team with Jamar to advantage despite every other team in the competition knowing he's going to aim for you most of the time.
24. Liam Jurrah
Just give us highlights out the yin yang. We want another video like this. Sure we'll have to go through the same old whinging and moaning about disinterest in forward pressure but I can take that as long as the rest of them are covering for The Jurrahcane while he plays his natural game and snaps goals out of his arse. Of course "natural game" and "Mark Neeld" do not appear to mesh so whatever he's forced into I hope he can manage it without disaster.
25. Tom McDonald
Be the man who is ready to step in on a minute's notice when one of our first choice defenders inevitably injures himself.
26. Daniel Nicholson
Bring the pace. Be our nominated rookie who can play from Round 1.
27. Jared Rivers
Show everyone, including me, why you deserved such a high finish in the B&F. Exorcise the demons of last year by thrashing buggery out of Travis Cloke on Queen's Birthday when the coaching staff get wise this time and give you some help instead of just marooning you in the square to look stupid.
28. Joel Macdonald
The clock is ticking so you might not play every week, but when you make sure you continue to be an angry bastard. Whatever else happened last year we'll never forget that filthy look for Morton against Collingwood.
30. James Sellar
Win back some respect. Doesn't have to play 22 games, or even 12 games. Just be a big bodied player ready to go if required and if all goes well we go into 2013 having saved your career.
32. Michael Evans
Don't just start handballing every time and then piss off to Hawthorn in order to play in their reserves like the last bloke with that number.
34. The Stefan Martin Experience
Capitalise on a break-out season. Keep racking up the disposals around the ground and providing a handy back-up for Jamar. Also keep drifting forward to kick goals.
35. Luke Tapscott
Become the best kick-in player for the MFC since.. Anyone? (Warning - do not say Travis Johnstone or I'll have you sectioned under the Mental Health Act)
36. Aaron Davey
Go back to the forward line and crumb like buggery. Remember you're the man who practically invented forward pressure in the mid 2000's. Sure there were some great years in the midfield and off half-back flank but it's time to come home Flash.
37. Max Gawn
Get well soon you mammoth, man mountain of a human. May you one day achieve your dream of killing James Bond.
38. Jeremy Howe
Continue where you left off, be one of the pillars in our Multiple Towers of Terror forward line. Either feed off Clark taking the best defenders or free him up to play against the slop.
39. Neville Jetta
A decent run in the side, and not one that involves wearing a stupid green vest every second week. While we're at it how about the abolition of the sub rule entirely so that fringe players like this can get a decent run at senior level without the shadow of having to sit on the bench for three quarters hanging over their head?
40. Mark Jamar
A year of good health. You deserve it. 2010 cannot stand alone as the one year that you became one of Australia's greatest living humans and didn't suffer an injury. And the rest of us deserve another great year because by my count you're still 3-6 considering 2003-08 were so dire.
Also to qualify as Vladimir Putin's running mate at the Russian Presidential election despite not actually being Russian in any way.
41. Troy Davis
I still have no idea who this is.
42. Jake Spencer
Win some respect after becoming somewhat of a comedy figure over the last couple of years (sorry, I think I contributed). Also to avoid going 0-9 and setting a new record for Melbourne matches without a victory. Frankly if he somehow manages to play nine games and doesn't win one of them we're all going to end up having to go under heavy sedation.
43. Rory Taggert
Whatever it is that you do, do it well in the VFL and I hope we're going well enough in the seniors to not require you until 2013. Also I'm hoping for another series of your Scottish detective show.
44. Rohan Bail
A full season. Otherwise just keep doing what you do because you've got cult figure value coming out the wazoo.
45. Kelvin Lawrence
To play 'seniors' during the NAB Cup and smash the VFL en route to a mid-season debut if/when the aforementioned Davey to the pocket experiment dies in the arse.
46. Josh Tynan
See Rory Taggert but without the Scottish bit.
47. Tom Couch
To play good football in the NAB Cup and stake a claim for a Round 1 spot. Also to do one thing without the papers pointing out who your dad is.
48. Jack Fitzpatrick
To play a senior game that doesn't involve the same comedy factor as Round 24 last year. In fact to play another senior game full stop - the last place you want to end your career is on this list.
49. James Magner
Get a game against St Kilda, smash them and wave two fingers in the general direction of their recruiting staff who let you get away.
50. Jai Sheahan
Enjoy having the silliest first name in MFC history. Hopefully en route to playing seniors at some point.
51. Leigh Williams
Make the transition to VFL football comfortably en route to a 2013 debut. Do everything that we wanted Clutterbuck to do before you
Players at other clubs
Cameron Bruce
Do the right thing for the club who made you by stuffing up the Hawks when we play them. Preferably with a failed dinky kick across the goalmouth.
Darren Jolly
I can't wish him badly but unfortunately as he plays for scum it'll have to be a golden season in a rotten team. Also make Pendlebury look so good that GW$ offer him the most ridiculous contract in history, sucking the Pies into matching it which causes them to lose every other good player on the list and end up in the slop.
Emo Maric
To appear in Richmond's team photo with a broad grin before slowly returning to your normal depressive state as the season goes on and you realise that playing for Richmond is even more soul destroying than playing for us.
Junior McDonald
To be the only player to come out of the Franchise with any credit whatsoever. May you win their Best and Fairest by 300 votes from the Big Setant in second place and then come home to where you belong. The people who didn't appreciate you are gone now, it's safe to come back.
Brock McLean
Play at least one blinder in the ones for the sake of your own mental health. As long as it's not against us. Cause me to cop outright abuse from Twitter again after suggesting you'd be better than half our list in the emotional wake of a disappointing loss.
Bradforth Miller
It's about time Richmond weren't complete gash, and as long as they're not competing with us for a spot in the eight I hope Brad goes off his nut. Still doesn't mean I wanted to keep him, even if he kicks 80 goals, but you can't begrudge him some success. Also for Pia to return to the Melbourne fold just for the hornbags.
Scumbag Scully
A fractured kneecap, caused by your kneecap smashing you square in the face as you collapse the ground after suffering two broken ankles. And to invest all your ill-gotten money in Qintex and/or a Nigerian internet scam.
Scott Thompson
Win the Brownlow. I'm over the proto-Scully anger about him leaving. Hell why not win a flag? If we're not going to win it I could have half a toss which interstate team does (other than the franchises) as long as I don't know any of their fans and don't have to hear about it.
Matthew Warnock
Enjoy enhancing your status as the player with the worst win/loss record in the AFL. Be comforted by the fact you'd have to go 0-18 this year to nudge into the top 20 of all time least successful VFL/AFL players. Did a lot of good work in the 2008-2009 dark seasons and will hopefully stay sane and free of shell-shock long enough to do it again.
Thursday, 29 December 2011
Stat My Bitch Up - Demonwiki's year in review
In the spirit of end of year lists, reviews and all that other self indulgent bollocks that people enjoy writing far more than reading here's a look at the final end of year stats (or near enough to) for Demonwiki.
Thanks to everyone who has supported the site through the last year (and the previous three) and helped pay for the hosting costs by 'taking an active interest' in the many great offers provided down the right side of this page *ahem*.
Next project is to finish doing individual pages for each Reserves season and putting together a proper record of the highest scores/biggest losses etc.. in the seconds. There's a semi completed version of it on this page where you will note that the Reserves managed to a 180 point loss in Geelong many years before the ones did it.
Fans of barely known Reserves and Under 19's players of the 80's and 90's (and who didn't have a sick fascination with Keith Goonewardene in the early 90's?) might also be interested in this list. Then again you might not. Which would be understandable.
Also lost in the archives are my two favourite articles, showcasing the best and worst in MFC related trading card moments (Part 1 and Part 2).
Total pages - 5898
Days online - 1294
Visits to Wiki pages - 2,417,306
Images - 3658
Most viewed players
1 - Allen Jakovich (5461)
2 - Jim Stynes (3965)
3 - Robert Flower (2762)
4 - Garry Lyon (2644)
5 - Ron Barassi (2484)
6 - Carl Ditterich (2430)
7 - Shaun Smith (2116)
8 - Rod Grinter (1923)
9 - Craig Nettelbeck (1906)
10 - Glenn Lovett (1888)
11 - Sean Wight (1871)
12 - Brent Crosswell (1840)
13 - Stephen Tingay (1821)
14 - Darren Kowal (1739)
15 - Todd Viney (1732)
16 - Ray Biffin (1720)
17 - David Schwarz (1671)
18 - Troy Broadbridge (1587)
19 - David Cordner (1578)
20 - Guy Rigoni (1551)
See you next year for another season of nerdly goodness and frantic fat finger poking at keyboard style bloggery. Here's to adding to these two pages at some point next September (or preferably October).
Thanks to everyone who has supported the site through the last year (and the previous three) and helped pay for the hosting costs by 'taking an active interest' in the many great offers provided down the right side of this page *ahem*.
Next project is to finish doing individual pages for each Reserves season and putting together a proper record of the highest scores/biggest losses etc.. in the seconds. There's a semi completed version of it on this page where you will note that the Reserves managed to a 180 point loss in Geelong many years before the ones did it.
Fans of barely known Reserves and Under 19's players of the 80's and 90's (and who didn't have a sick fascination with Keith Goonewardene in the early 90's?) might also be interested in this list. Then again you might not. Which would be understandable.
Also lost in the archives are my two favourite articles, showcasing the best and worst in MFC related trading card moments (Part 1 and Part 2).
Total pages - 5898
Days online - 1294
Visits to Wiki pages - 2,417,306
Images - 3658
Most viewed players
1 - Allen Jakovich (5461)
2 - Jim Stynes (3965)
3 - Robert Flower (2762)
4 - Garry Lyon (2644)
5 - Ron Barassi (2484)
6 - Carl Ditterich (2430)
7 - Shaun Smith (2116)
8 - Rod Grinter (1923)
9 - Craig Nettelbeck (1906)
10 - Glenn Lovett (1888)
11 - Sean Wight (1871)
12 - Brent Crosswell (1840)
13 - Stephen Tingay (1821)
14 - Darren Kowal (1739)
15 - Todd Viney (1732)
16 - Ray Biffin (1720)
17 - David Schwarz (1671)
18 - Troy Broadbridge (1587)
19 - David Cordner (1578)
20 - Guy Rigoni (1551)
See you next year for another season of nerdly goodness and frantic fat finger poking at keyboard style bloggery. Here's to adding to these two pages at some point next September (or preferably October).
Thursday, 22 December 2011
A pictorial history the Melbourne Football Club 1859-2012
1859-1888
1889-1891
1892-1899
1900-1902
1903-1914
1915
1916-1918
1919-1924
1925-1928
1929-1938
1939-1941
1942-1947
1948
1949-1950
1951-1953
1954-1964
1965
1966-1975
1976
1977-1980
1981-1985
1986
1987
1988-1991
1992-1993
1994
1995-1997
1998
1999
2000
2001
2002
2003
2004-2006
2007
2008-2011
2012
1889-1891
1892-1899
1900-1902
1903-1914
1915
1916-1918
1919-1924
1925-1928
1929-1938
1939-1941
1942-1947
1948
1949-1950
1951-1953
1954-1964
1965
1966-1975
1976
1977-1980
1981-1985
1986
1987
1988-1991
1992-1993
1994
1995-1997
1998
1999
2000
2001
2002
2003
2004-2006
2007
2008-2011
2012
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
Stat My Bitch Up - 2012 preview
As a self confessed sports stats nerd of epic proportions forgive me if I'm a little bit late in making topical references to Moneyball. The book's been out for seven years, I never bought it until about two months ago when the movie suddenly turned up and it's been sitting in the "TO READ" pile since then and despite best intentions to read the actual in-depth stats bonanza in its purest form aside I ended up seeing the movie first.
Good movie it was too, nigh on impossible carrying off the subject matter while not completely alienating 99% of the audience (in this country at least) who don't give half a toss about baseball and couldn't pick Oakland on a map with 50 guesses. Didn't half help that they roped Brad Pitt in, also probably didn't hurt that they went relatively light on the stats. Good news for the general cinemagoer, bad news for the 1% of freaks like me who actually want to hear more about On Base Percentage and Slugging Average in the cinema but you can't fault them for wanting to make money instead of providing entertainment to three people as a tumbleweed rolls through the cinema. That's a job for the Australian movie industry.
Throughout the film I was distracted by the thought that since the first day the book hit shelves managers, administrators and fans must have been trying to adapt the concept to fit other sports. It's often said that recruiters have been extolling its virtues for years, and our own CEO is apparently a fan (though when anybody from Melbourne is quoted talking about 'small forwards who kick goals' you just have to laugh), but does it really have any relevance to our game or is it just a desperate attempt at trying to avoid looking like you're not up with the next big thing?
They say the Sydney Swans have been at it for years, but realistically that's just a case of not putting all their trust into the draft (rightfully so too in some cases) and trading for older, often less fashionable, players to fit roles rather than relying on raw stats as a guide to how they'll fit in. The Swans aren't hurt by having an extended salary cap either, actually putting them into the class (in the context of a league with an allegedly rigorously enforced cap) of the big spenders like the New York Yankees whom Moneyball was designed to tip out. It's teams paying 92.5% of the cap who are our version of the unloved Oakland A's. Even that article is forced to admit in its final paragraph that Paul Roos didn't operate based on stats. They're not stats wizards, they're expert turd polishers, and bless them for it. If we could do the same I'd be thrilled.
It's not to say that there aren't statistical geniuses at work, probably in every club across the league, but good luck really trying to adopt the Moneyball idea from baseball. What other sport has the luxury of statistical information broken down to such a minute level? Who else has a 162 game regular season in which to unleash a theory but still have time to alter course if it doesn't work after an appropriate period of reflection? Champion Data might be pumping away loggine very stat under the sun and making a fortune selling premium packages to league clubs with categories that nerds like me can only dream of but they're still working on a sample size of 22 games, plus finals and a pre-season cup which is played under such fanciful, unlikely rules that it's barely worth using them for comparative purposes.
Bear in mind that before the last Major League Baseball season the Spring Training schedule saw the teams play between 29 and 35 practice matches alone. That's an insane amount for putting together pre-season stats, and enough time to float even the most nutbag of positional or tactical theories and still have time to recover before the real stuff begins - and even then you can afford to get more than ten games behind the leader at the halfway mark of the season and still run them down in the home stretch. On September 1 this year the Atlanta Braves led the St Louis Cardinals by 8.5 games in the National League wildcard race and by September 28 they'd been eliminated from playoff contention.
These guys are operating in another world entirely. A world where this is a player's publicly accessible career statistical record. No doubt behind the scenes AFL clubs have access to incredible packages but as fans this is as good as it gets and that's only by the grace of somebody putting the information together off their own bat and expecting nothing in return. We simply don't put the same premium on statistical information as baseball do.
Maybe there are some geniuses out there with overflowing whiteboards who can give you a formula which shows how to take a team with three Mortons and use them to create one Lance Franklin but I'm suggesting there are far too many variables in our sport to create anything truly meaningful. Baseball essentially comes down to one man piffing a ball very quickly at another who tries to hit it. You can analyse performance of left handers vs righties, you can take into account the sort of pitches that are thrown and if you're really keen you can see one man's batting record against all pitchers who he's hit more than five home runs off during his career.
This is a sport that lends itself more purely to statistics than any other in the world and if you're not yet convinced that they're operating on a different planet let me introduce you to Value Over Replacement Player (VORP). Try and work this out without a university degree.
A statistic that demonstrates how much a hitter contributes offensively or how much a pitcher contributes to his team in comparison to a fictitious “replacement player,” who is an average fielder at his position and a below average hitter. A replacement player performs at “replacement level,” which is the level of performance an average team can expect when trying to replace a player at minimal cost, also known as “freely available talent.”
Multiply the league average runs per out by the player’s total outs; this provides the number of runs an average player would have produced given that certain number of outs to work with. Now multiply that number (of runs) by .8, or whatever level your replacement equations give you; this is the number of runs you could expect a “replacement player” to put up for that number of outs. Simply [Simply? They're taking the piss - Mercado] subtract the replacement’s runs created from the player’s actual runs created, then, and you have VORP. A word to the wise, though: while the replacement’s run total will be park-neutral (by definition), the player’s raw numbers won’t be. Before calculating the VORP, run the player stats through park factors, normalizing the numbers. The resultant VORP should give a pretty good estimate of how “valuable” the player in question is
Baseball is a game decided by one piece of scoring only, and at any given time there are no more than three or four people involved in any transaction. Australian Rules could very well end up with 30 players within five metres of the ball, which can then go in any direction and more often than not despite the best efforts of Demetriou and the *spit* rules committee ends up in a stoppage. It doesn't allow for the random fat porkies of baseball who make up for their uncouth physiques in other ways. It ruthlessly exposes gaps in fitness and skill under pressure.
So, could you build a competitive squad on a fiver based purely on their statistics, discounting negatives such as a injury history or on-field ill-discipline? Not in my book you couldn't, but that doesn't mean that some stats both obvious and obscure aren't still relevant. Here's some areas that I feel we have to address if we're going to improve enough to at least be able to take on non-crap Victorian teams.
(General disclaimers apply about being shit at analysing footy. Publish and be damned. You may violently disagree with much of what follows but please be aware that sending explosive devices through the post is a breach of the Australian Postal Corporation Act 1989)
Centre clearances
Clearances from stoppages in general really, but out of the middle it's so crucial that our inability to get it right consistently was one of the most frustrating things about 2011.
Other than in certain exceptional circumstances (186) our backline is pretty good in repelling attacks but it's tempting fate to continually allow opposition sides to win the ball from the centre bounce and go forward expecting that one of our defenders will mop up the mess before one of their players has the chance to do any damage.
Jamar and Moloney might have been a lethal combination at times early in 2011 but by the time the Russian returned from injury every team in the competition had twigged what they were up to and spent the rest of the year persecuting Beamer at centre bounces. Moloney might still have had the 13th most clearances in a season since 1998 but with precious little backup we were tonked out of the middle again and again. There's a good reason that despite his big numbers we still finished 16th in the competition for total clearances.
Either we have to broaden our options or have somebody with a big body in there who can at least run interfence for Moloney. It's the most basic thing I can think of that we need to improve other than simply scoring more goals - and we're not going to be in any position to be kicking goals if the ball is going constantly going from the centre to the backline.
Disposal efficiency from clearances
When I see clearance stats at the end of a match I want them to remove every one that is just a panicked kick or wild handball out of a pack. They should be, and quite possibly already are, split into "quality clearances" (i.e ones that reach a teammate who has time to use it properly and does) and rubbish clearances where the ball is hacked desperately forward and ends up with an opponent. Then there's the neutral clearances where it either goes to space or leads immediately to another stoppage.
More realistic ball winning options at the drop and players who have the poise to use it properly when they do get it are the key. For instance you wouldn't expect Jordie McKenzie to be delivering huge numbers of quality clearances but as long as he can at least avoid the negatives and still get the ball we should get better. It's your Trengoves et al who are going to be crucial in getting decent use of the ball from stoppages.
Forward pressure
It's become a cliche but at least it's one that makes sense. I'm sure Page 1 of the Neeld playbook is all about forward pressure but he's still got to have somebody to execute it. Preferably more than one, preferably a whole raft of forwards who put the opposition backline under siege every time they touch the ball.
Every once in a while we perfected this last year, for instance Petterd's forward 50 tackling masterclass against Richmond, but more often than not opposition sides rebound the ball out of defence with barely a sweat raised. The ball then goes down the other end where we're subject to utter terror watching our players try and clear it under intense pressure.
It's not just tackling, it's perceived pressure from being near somebody, it's not letting them take easy marks beyond 20 or 30m out from goal. If there's a stat for the amount of time that you keep the opposition inside their own defensive 50 I want us to rocket to the top of the rankings. Wear them down, make returning the ball from a kick-in or a defensive mark close to goal as difficult as possible. Give other fans a taste of what we've had for the last few years when any point conceded is automatically assumed to come back as a 7, 8, 9 point play over the next five minutes.
Rush the ball properly
Where did we rank for rushed behinds last year? Can it be split between rushed as part of a realistic contest and the ones that the umps were too scared to pay deliberate on? My hunch is that no team conceded as many scores as we did from failing to just knock the bloody thing through and take the kick-in. Stop trying to save one point, get the kick-ins right for the first time in living memory and don't wind up copping goals by trying to keep the ball alive.
Speaking of kick-ins...
Kick-ins to a mark
Absolutely crucial that we increase our rate of finding a target outside 50 from a kick-in. Whether it takes one kick or two to get there, and if you're taking more than two something's drastically wrong, it doesn't matter as long as eventually somebody ends up with the ball in their hands and the chance to go forward.
Too often we either kick to the same place time and time again or botch the second kick from the 15/20m line get belted going back the other way. Even when we get away with it it's usually at the cost of a behind, and it's fine to be conceding them at a million miles an hour when you're a rubbish side but if there's any aspiration to start winning close games we've got to save every point we can.
Handball efficiency inside defensive 50 and realistic targets
Nobody wants to see handball in the backline but like death and taxes it will always be with us. It goes without saying that every handball should hit the mark but we've got to eliminate the panic element which seems to go with every defensive handball. They've got to up the numbers in firstly getting it to the right man but secondly in making sure that you're not just selling him into trouble.
Ok, if he's tackled straight away and it winds up in a bounce then it's not the worst result ever but so often they're given the ball with that extra few seconds which oblige them to dispose of it and end up either giving away the free or indulging in another panic handball which starts the chain all over again.
Long kicking efficiency on rebound 50's
Not every defensive rebound is going to be from a score, and many of them are going to involve dinky little handballs and chip kicks that always seem seconds from disaster even when they come off but sometimes somebody's going to work free onto a wing - or god forbid down the middle - and a precise 30/40m pass will have them off towards our goal. Conversely if the kick misses or doesn't hit the target we're on the back foot again.
Tapscott's my number one choice for this but he can't be the only option. Frawley, Rivers and Garland are ok at it but you wouldn't put your life on them, Davey will hopefully be forward, Grimes would have to stay fit for more than 20 minutes and you can pretty much shut the gate on the rest of them so we need to find somebody else down there with the precise kicking skills to hit those targets. Ideally three or four of them. Easier said than done but if we can hit targets moving quickly out of defence it'll help the forwards get to it first. Which brings us to..
Quality inside 50's and marks inside 50
Again, raw stats may tell you that a team is going inside 50 plenty of times but how many of those entries provide opportunity for a scoring shot? If a player picks up the ball in the middle of the ground and hoofs it to 40m out straight into a nest of opposition defenders with not a teammate in sight why do we count it amongst important stats? Fans and journalists love to use inside 50's as the measure of all that is good and wrong with a team but surely coaches are looking for quality only and ignoring the rest.
I guarantee you that if you split our inside 50's into the type that a) either went to one of our players, went to a legitimate contest or into the open insde 30m with one of our players nearby and into the type that was just the ball rolling pathetically to the 49m mark and being run out again that it would be absolutely grim reading.
For once you can't blame the midfield. For most of the last two seasons they either won the ball in space and looked up to find the forward line standing next to them or backing back to the square en masse with no big body to take a grab and nobody half a chance of crumbing. If you've got access to the full stats package can you find out how many leads per game we made in comparison to other clubs? I dare say it would be on the lower end of the scale. We had our moments of glory with this sort of attack, and the odd piece of real leadage from Jurrah or Green, but it's telling that only once from 2008-2011 did we ever play a truly slashing attacking game against a decent side.
The mere presence of Mitch Clark at full forward should at least draw the heat off the medium sized forwards and allow them to move around more - and they'd better because without changing the plan from last year I fail to see how we are any chance of consistenly kicking winning scores against non-crisis sides. If Clark doesn't work consider swapping him with Jamar.
Contested possession
Last in 2011. Cannot be allowed to happen again. That we were 7th in uncontested shows where our heads were at that year, and while I'm absolutely certain that Neeld and Co are targeting this it's up to the players on the park to deliver on it.
I'd love to see stats on CP in the forward 50 to work out if we're any better or worse at it in attack. My gut feeling says worse. It also says that without any decent crumbers who are willing to put their body on the line (or the return of Forward Pressure Davey) that it's not going to get a great deal better other than that the ball should be down there a lot more.
Define the most efficient attacking player
Way back in 2007 when I was still convinced we were just going through a 'bit of a slump' I came up with a stat to measure the overall attacking value of a player.
Goals (6) + Goal Assists (4) + Behinds (1) + Marks inside 50 (2) + Effective disposals forward of centre (1) + effective inside 50's (1) + tackles inside forward 50 (1) minus ineffective disposals (1), Clangers/OOF (-2) and frees/50m penalties (-2)
It's highly weighted towards goalkickers but if somebody boots ten you don't need a stat to tell you they've had a big day it, this is designed to let you hold up a medium forward, a tall forward having an average day and a crumber (should your team have such a thing) and decide which one impacted more on your attacking performance.
So, roll on 2012. We can only guess what Neeld and his cavalcade of coaching have got in store for us but at the moment confidence is high. In an ideal world the natural progression of the squad fits in perfectly with his game plan and we're talking next year as a team who has played finals, in the worse case it doesn't work or the players as they are simply aren't capable of carrying it off. Either way patience is wearing thin so if we don't at least see some real, consistent improvement next year people are going to start cracking the sads. I'll be keeping an eye on the categories listed above to see if anything changes.
Either way it's going to be tense. I can't believe we have to wait another three months to see actual football. Prepare for much more idle speculation before now and then.
Good movie it was too, nigh on impossible carrying off the subject matter while not completely alienating 99% of the audience (in this country at least) who don't give half a toss about baseball and couldn't pick Oakland on a map with 50 guesses. Didn't half help that they roped Brad Pitt in, also probably didn't hurt that they went relatively light on the stats. Good news for the general cinemagoer, bad news for the 1% of freaks like me who actually want to hear more about On Base Percentage and Slugging Average in the cinema but you can't fault them for wanting to make money instead of providing entertainment to three people as a tumbleweed rolls through the cinema. That's a job for the Australian movie industry.
Throughout the film I was distracted by the thought that since the first day the book hit shelves managers, administrators and fans must have been trying to adapt the concept to fit other sports. It's often said that recruiters have been extolling its virtues for years, and our own CEO is apparently a fan (though when anybody from Melbourne is quoted talking about 'small forwards who kick goals' you just have to laugh), but does it really have any relevance to our game or is it just a desperate attempt at trying to avoid looking like you're not up with the next big thing?
They say the Sydney Swans have been at it for years, but realistically that's just a case of not putting all their trust into the draft (rightfully so too in some cases) and trading for older, often less fashionable, players to fit roles rather than relying on raw stats as a guide to how they'll fit in. The Swans aren't hurt by having an extended salary cap either, actually putting them into the class (in the context of a league with an allegedly rigorously enforced cap) of the big spenders like the New York Yankees whom Moneyball was designed to tip out. It's teams paying 92.5% of the cap who are our version of the unloved Oakland A's. Even that article is forced to admit in its final paragraph that Paul Roos didn't operate based on stats. They're not stats wizards, they're expert turd polishers, and bless them for it. If we could do the same I'd be thrilled.
It's not to say that there aren't statistical geniuses at work, probably in every club across the league, but good luck really trying to adopt the Moneyball idea from baseball. What other sport has the luxury of statistical information broken down to such a minute level? Who else has a 162 game regular season in which to unleash a theory but still have time to alter course if it doesn't work after an appropriate period of reflection? Champion Data might be pumping away loggine very stat under the sun and making a fortune selling premium packages to league clubs with categories that nerds like me can only dream of but they're still working on a sample size of 22 games, plus finals and a pre-season cup which is played under such fanciful, unlikely rules that it's barely worth using them for comparative purposes.
Bear in mind that before the last Major League Baseball season the Spring Training schedule saw the teams play between 29 and 35 practice matches alone. That's an insane amount for putting together pre-season stats, and enough time to float even the most nutbag of positional or tactical theories and still have time to recover before the real stuff begins - and even then you can afford to get more than ten games behind the leader at the halfway mark of the season and still run them down in the home stretch. On September 1 this year the Atlanta Braves led the St Louis Cardinals by 8.5 games in the National League wildcard race and by September 28 they'd been eliminated from playoff contention.
These guys are operating in another world entirely. A world where this is a player's publicly accessible career statistical record. No doubt behind the scenes AFL clubs have access to incredible packages but as fans this is as good as it gets and that's only by the grace of somebody putting the information together off their own bat and expecting nothing in return. We simply don't put the same premium on statistical information as baseball do.
Maybe there are some geniuses out there with overflowing whiteboards who can give you a formula which shows how to take a team with three Mortons and use them to create one Lance Franklin but I'm suggesting there are far too many variables in our sport to create anything truly meaningful. Baseball essentially comes down to one man piffing a ball very quickly at another who tries to hit it. You can analyse performance of left handers vs righties, you can take into account the sort of pitches that are thrown and if you're really keen you can see one man's batting record against all pitchers who he's hit more than five home runs off during his career.
This is a sport that lends itself more purely to statistics than any other in the world and if you're not yet convinced that they're operating on a different planet let me introduce you to Value Over Replacement Player (VORP). Try and work this out without a university degree.
A statistic that demonstrates how much a hitter contributes offensively or how much a pitcher contributes to his team in comparison to a fictitious “replacement player,” who is an average fielder at his position and a below average hitter. A replacement player performs at “replacement level,” which is the level of performance an average team can expect when trying to replace a player at minimal cost, also known as “freely available talent.”
Multiply the league average runs per out by the player’s total outs; this provides the number of runs an average player would have produced given that certain number of outs to work with. Now multiply that number (of runs) by .8, or whatever level your replacement equations give you; this is the number of runs you could expect a “replacement player” to put up for that number of outs. Simply [Simply? They're taking the piss - Mercado] subtract the replacement’s runs created from the player’s actual runs created, then, and you have VORP. A word to the wise, though: while the replacement’s run total will be park-neutral (by definition), the player’s raw numbers won’t be. Before calculating the VORP, run the player stats through park factors, normalizing the numbers. The resultant VORP should give a pretty good estimate of how “valuable” the player in question is
Baseball is a game decided by one piece of scoring only, and at any given time there are no more than three or four people involved in any transaction. Australian Rules could very well end up with 30 players within five metres of the ball, which can then go in any direction and more often than not despite the best efforts of Demetriou and the *spit* rules committee ends up in a stoppage. It doesn't allow for the random fat porkies of baseball who make up for their uncouth physiques in other ways. It ruthlessly exposes gaps in fitness and skill under pressure.
So, could you build a competitive squad on a fiver based purely on their statistics, discounting negatives such as a injury history or on-field ill-discipline? Not in my book you couldn't, but that doesn't mean that some stats both obvious and obscure aren't still relevant. Here's some areas that I feel we have to address if we're going to improve enough to at least be able to take on non-crap Victorian teams.
(General disclaimers apply about being shit at analysing footy. Publish and be damned. You may violently disagree with much of what follows but please be aware that sending explosive devices through the post is a breach of the Australian Postal Corporation Act 1989)
Centre clearances
Clearances from stoppages in general really, but out of the middle it's so crucial that our inability to get it right consistently was one of the most frustrating things about 2011.
Other than in certain exceptional circumstances (186) our backline is pretty good in repelling attacks but it's tempting fate to continually allow opposition sides to win the ball from the centre bounce and go forward expecting that one of our defenders will mop up the mess before one of their players has the chance to do any damage.
Jamar and Moloney might have been a lethal combination at times early in 2011 but by the time the Russian returned from injury every team in the competition had twigged what they were up to and spent the rest of the year persecuting Beamer at centre bounces. Moloney might still have had the 13th most clearances in a season since 1998 but with precious little backup we were tonked out of the middle again and again. There's a good reason that despite his big numbers we still finished 16th in the competition for total clearances.
Either we have to broaden our options or have somebody with a big body in there who can at least run interfence for Moloney. It's the most basic thing I can think of that we need to improve other than simply scoring more goals - and we're not going to be in any position to be kicking goals if the ball is going constantly going from the centre to the backline.
Disposal efficiency from clearances
When I see clearance stats at the end of a match I want them to remove every one that is just a panicked kick or wild handball out of a pack. They should be, and quite possibly already are, split into "quality clearances" (i.e ones that reach a teammate who has time to use it properly and does) and rubbish clearances where the ball is hacked desperately forward and ends up with an opponent. Then there's the neutral clearances where it either goes to space or leads immediately to another stoppage.
More realistic ball winning options at the drop and players who have the poise to use it properly when they do get it are the key. For instance you wouldn't expect Jordie McKenzie to be delivering huge numbers of quality clearances but as long as he can at least avoid the negatives and still get the ball we should get better. It's your Trengoves et al who are going to be crucial in getting decent use of the ball from stoppages.
Forward pressure
It's become a cliche but at least it's one that makes sense. I'm sure Page 1 of the Neeld playbook is all about forward pressure but he's still got to have somebody to execute it. Preferably more than one, preferably a whole raft of forwards who put the opposition backline under siege every time they touch the ball.
Every once in a while we perfected this last year, for instance Petterd's forward 50 tackling masterclass against Richmond, but more often than not opposition sides rebound the ball out of defence with barely a sweat raised. The ball then goes down the other end where we're subject to utter terror watching our players try and clear it under intense pressure.
It's not just tackling, it's perceived pressure from being near somebody, it's not letting them take easy marks beyond 20 or 30m out from goal. If there's a stat for the amount of time that you keep the opposition inside their own defensive 50 I want us to rocket to the top of the rankings. Wear them down, make returning the ball from a kick-in or a defensive mark close to goal as difficult as possible. Give other fans a taste of what we've had for the last few years when any point conceded is automatically assumed to come back as a 7, 8, 9 point play over the next five minutes.
Rush the ball properly
Where did we rank for rushed behinds last year? Can it be split between rushed as part of a realistic contest and the ones that the umps were too scared to pay deliberate on? My hunch is that no team conceded as many scores as we did from failing to just knock the bloody thing through and take the kick-in. Stop trying to save one point, get the kick-ins right for the first time in living memory and don't wind up copping goals by trying to keep the ball alive.
Speaking of kick-ins...
Kick-ins to a mark
Absolutely crucial that we increase our rate of finding a target outside 50 from a kick-in. Whether it takes one kick or two to get there, and if you're taking more than two something's drastically wrong, it doesn't matter as long as eventually somebody ends up with the ball in their hands and the chance to go forward.
Too often we either kick to the same place time and time again or botch the second kick from the 15/20m line get belted going back the other way. Even when we get away with it it's usually at the cost of a behind, and it's fine to be conceding them at a million miles an hour when you're a rubbish side but if there's any aspiration to start winning close games we've got to save every point we can.
Handball efficiency inside defensive 50 and realistic targets
Nobody wants to see handball in the backline but like death and taxes it will always be with us. It goes without saying that every handball should hit the mark but we've got to eliminate the panic element which seems to go with every defensive handball. They've got to up the numbers in firstly getting it to the right man but secondly in making sure that you're not just selling him into trouble.
Ok, if he's tackled straight away and it winds up in a bounce then it's not the worst result ever but so often they're given the ball with that extra few seconds which oblige them to dispose of it and end up either giving away the free or indulging in another panic handball which starts the chain all over again.
Long kicking efficiency on rebound 50's
Not every defensive rebound is going to be from a score, and many of them are going to involve dinky little handballs and chip kicks that always seem seconds from disaster even when they come off but sometimes somebody's going to work free onto a wing - or god forbid down the middle - and a precise 30/40m pass will have them off towards our goal. Conversely if the kick misses or doesn't hit the target we're on the back foot again.
Tapscott's my number one choice for this but he can't be the only option. Frawley, Rivers and Garland are ok at it but you wouldn't put your life on them, Davey will hopefully be forward, Grimes would have to stay fit for more than 20 minutes and you can pretty much shut the gate on the rest of them so we need to find somebody else down there with the precise kicking skills to hit those targets. Ideally three or four of them. Easier said than done but if we can hit targets moving quickly out of defence it'll help the forwards get to it first. Which brings us to..
Quality inside 50's and marks inside 50
Again, raw stats may tell you that a team is going inside 50 plenty of times but how many of those entries provide opportunity for a scoring shot? If a player picks up the ball in the middle of the ground and hoofs it to 40m out straight into a nest of opposition defenders with not a teammate in sight why do we count it amongst important stats? Fans and journalists love to use inside 50's as the measure of all that is good and wrong with a team but surely coaches are looking for quality only and ignoring the rest.
I guarantee you that if you split our inside 50's into the type that a) either went to one of our players, went to a legitimate contest or into the open insde 30m with one of our players nearby and into the type that was just the ball rolling pathetically to the 49m mark and being run out again that it would be absolutely grim reading.
For once you can't blame the midfield. For most of the last two seasons they either won the ball in space and looked up to find the forward line standing next to them or backing back to the square en masse with no big body to take a grab and nobody half a chance of crumbing. If you've got access to the full stats package can you find out how many leads per game we made in comparison to other clubs? I dare say it would be on the lower end of the scale. We had our moments of glory with this sort of attack, and the odd piece of real leadage from Jurrah or Green, but it's telling that only once from 2008-2011 did we ever play a truly slashing attacking game against a decent side.
The mere presence of Mitch Clark at full forward should at least draw the heat off the medium sized forwards and allow them to move around more - and they'd better because without changing the plan from last year I fail to see how we are any chance of consistenly kicking winning scores against non-crisis sides. If Clark doesn't work consider swapping him with Jamar.
Contested possession
Last in 2011. Cannot be allowed to happen again. That we were 7th in uncontested shows where our heads were at that year, and while I'm absolutely certain that Neeld and Co are targeting this it's up to the players on the park to deliver on it.
I'd love to see stats on CP in the forward 50 to work out if we're any better or worse at it in attack. My gut feeling says worse. It also says that without any decent crumbers who are willing to put their body on the line (or the return of Forward Pressure Davey) that it's not going to get a great deal better other than that the ball should be down there a lot more.
Define the most efficient attacking player
Way back in 2007 when I was still convinced we were just going through a 'bit of a slump' I came up with a stat to measure the overall attacking value of a player.
Goals (6) + Goal Assists (4) + Behinds (1) + Marks inside 50 (2) + Effective disposals forward of centre (1) + effective inside 50's (1) + tackles inside forward 50 (1) minus ineffective disposals (1), Clangers/OOF (-2) and frees/50m penalties (-2)
It's highly weighted towards goalkickers but if somebody boots ten you don't need a stat to tell you they've had a big day it, this is designed to let you hold up a medium forward, a tall forward having an average day and a crumber (should your team have such a thing) and decide which one impacted more on your attacking performance.
So, roll on 2012. We can only guess what Neeld and his cavalcade of coaching have got in store for us but at the moment confidence is high. In an ideal world the natural progression of the squad fits in perfectly with his game plan and we're talking next year as a team who has played finals, in the worse case it doesn't work or the players as they are simply aren't capable of carrying it off. Either way patience is wearing thin so if we don't at least see some real, consistent improvement next year people are going to start cracking the sads. I'll be keeping an eye on the categories listed above to see if anything changes.
Either way it's going to be tense. I can't believe we have to wait another three months to see actual football. Prepare for much more idle speculation before now and then.
Saturday, 19 November 2011
Off-Season Updates Spectacular
Prologue
The following was written in bits and pieces over the last couple of weeks. Like a letter smuggled from a Prisoner of War camp I could only sketch small pieces at work while nobody was looking. It's hard to convince anybody you're doing what you're paid for when the word WONAEAMIRRI keeps appearing on screen.
Eventually it's all been cobbled together so if none of it makes sense, the spelling is atrocious or paragraphs just end halfway through for no apparent reason then you have been warned. It may or may not end up being proof-read sometime before December 31. You may even get to the end of it by then.
Chapter 1
When the final siren went in that Port Adelaide game and we were treated to shots of joyous tooth challenged locals in celebration while Chad Cornes and Dean Brogan were prematurely chaired off into retirement I don't think I'm alone in having wanted to throw myself out the window. Except being on the ground floor at the time
Things couldn't have gotten much lower from there. Dual spoons were fine due to the fact that nobody except me actually wanted to win, but promised more all we got was $cumbag $cully leading us a merry dance and Bailey clawing his way back from the brink twice before finally being put away by the 186 fiasco. Give up football and take up field hockey? Would love to.
But now just 80 short days later, the same it took that idiot to fictionally circumnavigate the world in a balloon, there's a fervour around the place approaching the intensity of an Amway Convention which was doubled booked in the same room as Hillsong. In case you've been in a coma for the last 80 days (and you'd might as well go back into it until cricket season is over) here's what's happened since then.
Take the money and run
Surely by the end nobody expected $cully to stay. His mystery withdrawal from the last game was the final straw and sadly ruined the chances of him suffering ahilarious tragic knee injury in the middle of the Adelaide Oval having (allegedly) already signed with another club.
Throughout the season I tried to be as diplomatic as possible about his future intentions. Everyone knew he was getting offered rude money from the only regime more morally suspect than the Mugabe Government but it didn't seem to stop the likes of.. well, pretty much everybody bar Ablett.. from rejecting it. There was still that minor possibility that he could stay, and after I quite seriously had a dream that a Demonblog post was being waved about at a press conference and cited as his final reason for leaving I was erring on the side of caution.
Then he went for a quick trip to "check the facilities" upon which he found the array of cross trainers and tackling bags at Breakfast Point so attractive that he wrenched the contract from the hands of Dale Holmes (RIP) and signed on immediately, watched proudly by his mother, Big Kev style father (who was next in the queue) and quite possibly his terracotta coloured sister. Hours later he's making videos about how thrilled he is to be there and, just in case you thought he had no personality to be a footballer, how much he loved playing FIFA. I'm here to suggest that he's playing a lot of Vs CPU matches because one of the crucial elements of any two player game is having friends to play it with.
I'm sure Billy No Mates and his fear of being spewed on will now have friends coming out the wazoo. After all everyone loves a millionare and he'll probably end up with his own reality TV show produced and funded, much like GWS, entirely by the AFL.
I'm sure if Tom took the time out from buying an armour plated Rolls Royce to read this he'd shout "yeah, but I've got $6 mil and you haven't idiot" and he'd be quite right. Quite right too, but what you'll never have is the respect of anybody who doesn't work for the AFL or a club bankrolled by the AFL. You might turn out to be the finest player of a generation (though everyone at Demonblog sincerely hopes you turn out more like Richard Lounder) and you'll have more money in your bank account right now than many of us combined but don't expect anyone to ever say "Gee, that Tom $cully. What a top fellow, he's a real rolemodel for my kids".
In summary, here's hoping he doesn't even make Round 13 next year and we don't have to bother creating gigantic offensive banners and hurling foul abuse at him which would be much better suited aimed at Kevin Sheedy or Dean Brogan.
Coaching Corner (Now no longer trading under its former name Koaching Korner since the Kardashians wrecked my joy of replacing C’s with K’s)
So once the Two Million Dollar Turd was off our books and the compensation banked the next step was finding a new coach. Simple enough, but with the dominos falling elsewhere at a rapid rate and "news" outlets like SportsNewsFirst inventing rumours about the coaching moves on a daily basis you could be excused for getting utterly confused about what was happening.
Which is why it was such a shock when not only the club just came out and announced we'd appointed somebody but that 'breaking news' media reports the day before were actually right for once. Let the record forever show that journalistic heavyweight Damien Barrett (just the sort of guy to do a Tim Gossage and Google his own name) stated on The Footy Show that we were all but over the line with signing Scott Burns as coach.
We've already covered the Neeld appointment and initial reaction here so there's no need to go too far into it but even at the time it seemed a bit premature for certain excitable sections of the MFC community (and not just the Facebook nutters) to throw themselves on the ground and wail miserably about the appointment.
Ok, so the old "hiring a coach nobody had ever heard of" move didn't work at the end of 2007 but we're in a totally changed landscape now. Bailey was handed a shit sandwich and expected to extract something from it. His crime in the end was that he could never beat any decent Victorian teams, he'd been dragged into boardroom intrigues, his mystery gameplan confused the buggery out of all of us and the development of some players (we're looking at you Morton) had ground to a halt. On the other hand he is the man who presided over Mark Jamar going from one of the worst players of recent years into a ruck titan who managed to stay injury free long enough to win All-Australian honours.
Mark Neeld, on the other hand, isn't being handed the full Cleveland Steamer sandwich. He's been given something moderately unhygenic that the health inspector might have trouble with but isn't completely inedible. Unfortunately when we sent the 2010 side back to the chef and said "this isn't well done enough" it was used as a toilet but surely now we're on the upswing. Either that or there's going to be a lot of people having to undergo serious psychological treatement in a couple of years time (including yours truly).
There's no doubt that so far he's said and done the right things, and I was more than happy to go along for the ride even before he gave off that serial killer vibe that I've been dying for us to harness for years, but it means precisely zero until we start seeing results on-field. He might still be an utterly naff coach. It's happened before and coming from the side who have just completed their hat-trick of mid-season sackings we're hardly taking the moral highground as one of the league's most stable clubs, but I've a strange feeling in the sub-cockle area that everything's going to be alright.
Witness for instance this picture of the new coaching staff.
You'll note all the other assistants, including the guys you've never heard of before and Brent Grgic second from right, are cracking broad smiles (except Neil Craig who was occupied in a hyperbaric chamber which produces South Australian oxygen) while their boss stands side on, showing off his not inconsiderable arms and looking sideways at the camera as if he’s about to stuff the lens cap down the photographer’s throat. I love it. I hope I still love it in 12 months time.
Speaking of assistants what do you think Bailey thinks when he sees that we've hired all these assistant assistants, fitness gurus etc? If there's even the merest hint of truth to that story being pedalled by Gerard Healy after the 186 debacle that he’d had to whip out his personal credit card in an attempt to pay for the team to stay in Geelong overnight (and I seriously doubt there was) he'd be horrified to see that the moment he goes out the door somebody loosens the purse strings and decides to try and get a decent off-field team together instead of just collaring a few blokes who used to play and hoping for the best.
Now from a point where the coach allegedly had to try and fund our footy department with an AMEX (maybe he just wanted the points? 186 will get you a free trip to Adelaide) just a few months later we've got more coaching staff than you can shake a stick at. In one way or the other they're all impressively credentialled but will it make even the slightest bit of difference? Well it can’t hurt can it?
My favourite non-Neeld moment was signing Leigh Brown about 20 minutes after the Pies lost the Grand Final. When Brenton Sanderson was charging to the fence to hug the Geelong players and coaches there's every possible chance Cam Schwab was leaning over the shoulder of the Collingwood cheersquad trying to get Leroy to sign a contract in the forward pocket.
So with the new uber-structure in place the time came to throw down challenges to the players. We've all got our list of disappointments from last season, and odds are that Davey and Morton feature on 99% of them but to his credit the coach opened fire on the wider crowd and took to Jack Watts as well. He was pretty good last season, certainly ranked highly in the awards on this site, but why not tell him he needs to do much better? It's one thing battering the perceived weak links but didn't you just go a little bit wobbly at the knees when started torching Jack as well? Not that the kid deserves a roast but bloody hell if that's what it takes to boost him from "promising" to an out and out superstar then let's go with it. He should do a Norm Smith/Ron Barassi and take Jack in just to yell at him.
It'll be interesting to see how his philosophy about putting a team together holds up between Round 1 and Round 22. "I have pre-defined roles for my team" he said, "and anybody who doesn't fit those roles will play VFL". Be still my beating heart. The hint is very much that Aaron Davey will end up back in the forward line (and god knows we need CRUMB from somewhere) but in the great man's words if he doesn't fit the required role then he'll be out. Good. And that goes for all of them, I love The Jurrahcane in as rigorous and manly fashion as is socially acceptable but if maniacal forward pressure is the name of the game and he's not into it then we need to talk.
Remembering back to '04/'05 Davey practically invented the concept of forward pressure, and it was glorious. He's had his run as a playmaker, let's bring him home. As long as he we can get him in a frame of mind where he isn't biffing people out of frustration then he's still got plenty to offer. Unless one of Bennell or Jetta is going to go ballistic we've got to have at least one dangerous small forward, and we’ve got scant time to wait for a kid to develop into a dangerous option. Actually we’ve probably got two or three years before it’s really crucial but I’ve had enough of waiting, I want it now.
Trading Places
Trade Week is one of footy's greatest let-downs every year. When they extended it by three days this season I think everyone thought "wow, that's another three days of nothing happening before a wild flurry of action on the last day". Even with a recent record of having ripped Brisbane and Carlton off blind on the Johnstone/McLean deals the week is still immensively overrated. Luckily I was on holidays for almost all of it this year and only managed to check-in to the non-action occassionally instead of being suckered into listening to endless hours of speculation and idle waffle on SEN or Trade Week Radio.
In the end it's a good thing they did extend it, because if they hadn't the closest we'd have got to action would have been the on again, off again, never actually on the cards speculation about Emo Maric going to North. Just in case you thought being involved with North wasn’t the best move for somebody who has cracked one smile in a decade the poor bastard has now wound up at Richmond jumper. If he turns up at Tigerland with a beaming grin, looking like the happiest man alive I’ll be asking serious questions.
There was also the minor matter of flogging Warnock to the Gold Coast for an almost irrelevant pick. Good luck to him, he did do his best work when we were utterly dire and the backline was under siege every 30 seconds every week (instead of every second week in 2011) so he'll fit in well at Gold Coast. Will probably win a flag before we do.
The main event though was the Mitch Clark heist. What began as a speculative mid-week escape into trying to ruin his tearful Perth homecoming wound up with us snatching him from under the noses of the Dockers despite them all but announcing he'd signed. Let's all be entirely honest here, you can say whatever you like about Mark Neeld and Josh Mahoney giving inspirational speeches in Chinese restaurants but the reason he ditched Freo was for big fat wads of cold hard cash.
The revelation that we'd used our vast cash reserves to cause somebody to have a sudden and dramatic change of heart about the city they'd like to live in caused momentary uneasiness for some. Not least idiots like me who broke their stated ban on tweeting footballers to write to our mate Mitch and declare that while I would have liked him to join us it was good to see somebody pick family over cash for once. Effectively it was just another in a long line of subtle digs at the $cully family which will continue for years to come, but in the end it looked rather foolish. Never again.
Whether he's any good or not is anybody's guess. I'm not entirely convinced of his merits as a goal frenzy full-forward given that his career high season tally is 27 set this year and the next best was nine the year before. I suppose it's all about structure and taking the heat off Jurrah/Watts etc.. Also given the situation we're in with our salary cap it's practically a free hit but at least he's young enough for us to get something out of him if the forward thing doesn't work out. Don't forget Jamar is 29 next season. If we need another ruckman in two years or somebody else comes along to kick the goals Mitch will still only be 25. He might turn out to be the most expensive decoy in history for all we know, but as long as it ends in him hoisting the premiership above his head then I'll consider it a success.
"That's just like $cully! You're all hypocrites!" screamed opposition fans when the deal went through. No it's not you peasants. Well, maybe it is a bit but only in the manner in which a decision was clearly made based on Scrooge McDuck style money. The difference is we've given the game 150+ years and GWS have given it about 25 minutes, a recycled nutbag as coach and uniforms that Red Rooster employees would refuse for being too ugly.
But the Northern Filth aren't finished yet. Stopped from ransacking any more of our players (until the rules are inevitably changed to help them more) they've turned their attention on the Southern Filth in an attempt to wrest Pendlebury from Collingwood's grasp. Cue McGuire trying to prop up the ratings on his Nickleback friendly radio show by coming out beating his chest about how it would be "war" if they attempted to poach any of his players. Gee, I'll bet the team which is funded and practically run by the league are absolutely quaking in their boots at that prospect. Face facts Eddie, given the choice between having any of us in their league or having a team in Blacktown the AFL aren't going to choose the Melbourne option. Start your own league or bend over and cop it like everyone else.
Everyone's favourite failed Nine Network CEO even threw in a cheapshot at us, declaring that you can't just steal players from Collingwood like you could from Melbourne. Part of me wants GWS to get Pendlebury just so we can laugh at Eddie, but that boosts (even further) their chances of a premiership, and by extension $cumbag Scully's prospects, so we can't have that. But we don't want Ed to be right do we? Maybe we do. My preferred scenario is for them to get driven into a bidding war to keep him, and for Eddie's ego to make him pay anything Pendles wants, meaning they get to keep him but at the expense of losing other quality players then winding up falling apart like an Iranian airliner the next year, leaving nothing but Pendlebury and his Captain Jack Sparrow haircut as a lonely but rich figure in the middle of the MCG amongst 16 Irishmen and Juice Newton at Full Forward.
Training Updates
Is John Meesen still "training the house down"? (about time that cliche is retired) There are a lot of fantastic training updates on various forums. I assume they’re fantastic anyway because personally the concept bores me so much I mentally tune out and start daydreaming the moment anybody starts talking about it.
Somebody won a time trial, somebody was in the rehab group, nobody's yet been seen sporting a ludicrous +50 number and Dunn sadly hasn’t seen fit to be ironic and get rid of his moustache in November when everybody else is growing one. The only snippet of half interest was an observation that Cale Morton appears to actually gotten smaller since last season. If he's not suffering some form of flesh eating virus then I'm not here. Just concede the rest of the pre-season and send him to the world's best doctors to sort it out before he suffers a Benjamin Button style recession into childhood followed shortly afterwards by death. It would still make him the luckiest of all the Morton brothers.
The nadir of pre-season training fever came the other day when the club invited everyone to go down and watch them have a swimming session at the Cranbourne pool. Riveting stuff indeed. Good on them for giving people the opportunity but I'd love to know what you're going to get out of it other than hanging around with your camera phone waiting for a stray jatz cracker to pop out the side of somebody's speedos. You sick freak.
If anybody wants to write a pre-season training update and can inject even the slightest modicum of life into the subject please write in, you're more than welcome to have a shot. Personally I reserve the right to show not the slightest interest until at least the rookie draft is done and we've finalised our list. Or in February.
Draft Watch
What time is kickoff on Thursday? Because I’ll see you about half an hour after that when they get through Team Golden Child having the first 200 picks. May each one either be the next Luke Molan and never do anything ever or the next Buckley/Rocca and run for their life to a proper club at the first available opportunity.
Surely they're not persisting with the joke of pre-selecting the top ten and doing them in reverse order. They couldn’t could they? It was enough of a farce last year when most of the top 10 was taken up by Gold Coast, but this year it would be one of the greatest piss extractions of all time to expect people to show any interest in a reversed top ten where the teams involved have a combined support of 2000 people.
Of course there's one very good reason to watch from the start if you can make it all the way to pick 36 without booting your TV screen in out of frustration at the rorts, and that’s the startlingly amateur production that Fox Sports usually put on.
I appreciate the fact that they even show it at all (though realistically aren't you just as well off listening to it on SEN?), but in two years they've managed to - in order - cut out after the first round and subject us to interviews conducted by heavyweights like Jason Dunstall then last year place one solitary cameraman in the middle of the recruiter tables, thus forcing the poor bastard to have to find who he was meant to be aiming the camera at in quick succession as every pick was announced. Usually despite waving the camera about like a whirling dervish and providing us with action footage of the carpet he missed showing the pick being made anyway, leaving us with just the audio – and there you are back to listening to it on the radio again.
How do you think they'll muck it up this time? I hope it's by leaving the microphone at our table on and catching the recruiting staff lamenting wasting a #1 pick on a disloyal crunt.
Granted that they'll find some way to stuff it up I'll do what I did last year and cue up SEN then mute it just in case Fox do something stupid or the coverage drops out, but realistically given that our picks will start at about midnight and phantom drafts have been rendered even more useless than ever before I'll have probably given up and gone out for a kebab by then anyway.
I couldn't tell you exactly what sort of player I want, because by the mid 30's recruiting effectively becomes somebody opening fire on a lake and hoping to hit a fish. There might be sliders, there might be bolters and if we’re really unlucky Pick 36 might be an utter hack that you’ll never ever hear from again. Alternatively he could be a superstar - how many times do we need to hear about how Dane Swan was drafted at Pick 1000 before he was a champion player/cleaner beater? – but it's nothing to get excited over immediately. So, working on the understanding that I'll never have heard of any of the players we pick I’ll give you a simple three point plan on the sort of guys I’d like to take with picks 36/52/54. Any combination of the following will do;
a) Players with silly names
b) Snarling, ugly individuals who are less attractive than Mick Martyn (but who aren't off-field dickheads)
c) Batshit crazy insane psychopaths who should by all rights spend more time in hospital with head injuries than they do on the field (but won’t wind up suing us in the end).
Actual being adept at playing football wouldn't hurt either but if there's one thing I've learnt in more than 20 years following this club it's that ability is an optional extra.
Then with no picks in the Pre-Season draft there's just the rookie draft to care about. We've got Paul Couch's son training with us (via Collingwood VFL) which is fine because all our father-son selections have been so shite over the last 20 years that we'd might as well try to get a son from another club and see if that works better than any of Chris Johnson, Michael Clark or Shane Burgmann. Shouldn't be too hard, even if by all rights Jack Viney (and maybe Steven Stretch Jr) should overtake the lot of them just by pulling on the jumper for the first time.
Off-Field
It's money and plenty of it apparently. I've got absolutely no understanding of how finance works but it seems that only a little of it is an actual trading profit and the rest is as the result of the Bentleigh Club merger. Which is fine, I'll take small profit over some of these doomsday figures any day of the week.
What's most impressive is somehow putting roughly $6m of assets on the books by acquiring what I understand to be - having never gone closer than driving past Yawla Street, Bentleigh - the equivalent of somebody's stately manor with a few pokies thrown in. I suspect they'll try and use it as the social club that we've never really had, but it's not much use to anybody who doesn't live on that side of town.
Encyclopedia Titanica
I've been beavering away at Demonwiki over the last few months, adding new features and polishing up pages that already exist. If you haven't seen it already check it out or send the link to anybody who might be interested.
It's up to 5863 pages so good luck finding exactly what you want. I suggest that classic Wiki move of opening up a random page and seeing where it takes you. If you want something more structured try the Players or Seasons sections. When time allows (i.e when not writing epic waffle like this) I'm currently going through the Football Records of the 80's and adding Under 19's scores and goalkickers.
It's not cheap maintaining this helter skelter life of excitement and obscure information though. You can either donate to Demonwiki directly from the site itself (and we promise to use all donations for their intended purpose and not to fund Sylvia style nights on the town) or by 'taking an active interest' in the ads on this page. Take an active interest early, take an active interest often because pretty soon we're going to have to go cap in hand to the club and ask them for a grant to pay for the hosting. Come on, I know you're reading - don't make me grovel just write in with an offer. I promise not to criticise the administration on here ever again while the cheques are rolling in.
Final thoughts
Buy a membership. Now.
The following was written in bits and pieces over the last couple of weeks. Like a letter smuggled from a Prisoner of War camp I could only sketch small pieces at work while nobody was looking. It's hard to convince anybody you're doing what you're paid for when the word WONAEAMIRRI keeps appearing on screen.
Eventually it's all been cobbled together so if none of it makes sense, the spelling is atrocious or paragraphs just end halfway through for no apparent reason then you have been warned. It may or may not end up being proof-read sometime before December 31. You may even get to the end of it by then.
Chapter 1
When the final siren went in that Port Adelaide game and we were treated to shots of joyous tooth challenged locals in celebration while Chad Cornes and Dean Brogan were prematurely chaired off into retirement I don't think I'm alone in having wanted to throw myself out the window. Except being on the ground floor at the time
Things couldn't have gotten much lower from there. Dual spoons were fine due to the fact that nobody except me actually wanted to win, but promised more all we got was $cumbag $cully leading us a merry dance and Bailey clawing his way back from the brink twice before finally being put away by the 186 fiasco. Give up football and take up field hockey? Would love to.
But now just 80 short days later, the same it took that idiot to fictionally circumnavigate the world in a balloon, there's a fervour around the place approaching the intensity of an Amway Convention which was doubled booked in the same room as Hillsong. In case you've been in a coma for the last 80 days (and you'd might as well go back into it until cricket season is over) here's what's happened since then.
Take the money and run
Surely by the end nobody expected $cully to stay. His mystery withdrawal from the last game was the final straw and sadly ruined the chances of him suffering a
Throughout the season I tried to be as diplomatic as possible about his future intentions. Everyone knew he was getting offered rude money from the only regime more morally suspect than the Mugabe Government but it didn't seem to stop the likes of.. well, pretty much everybody bar Ablett.. from rejecting it. There was still that minor possibility that he could stay, and after I quite seriously had a dream that a Demonblog post was being waved about at a press conference and cited as his final reason for leaving I was erring on the side of caution.
Then he went for a quick trip to "check the facilities" upon which he found the array of cross trainers and tackling bags at Breakfast Point so attractive that he wrenched the contract from the hands of Dale Holmes (RIP) and signed on immediately, watched proudly by his mother, Big Kev style father (who was next in the queue) and quite possibly his terracotta coloured sister. Hours later he's making videos about how thrilled he is to be there and, just in case you thought he had no personality to be a footballer, how much he loved playing FIFA. I'm here to suggest that he's playing a lot of Vs CPU matches because one of the crucial elements of any two player game is having friends to play it with.
I'm sure Billy No Mates and his fear of being spewed on will now have friends coming out the wazoo. After all everyone loves a millionare and he'll probably end up with his own reality TV show produced and funded, much like GWS, entirely by the AFL.
I'm sure if Tom took the time out from buying an armour plated Rolls Royce to read this he'd shout "yeah, but I've got $6 mil and you haven't idiot" and he'd be quite right. Quite right too, but what you'll never have is the respect of anybody who doesn't work for the AFL or a club bankrolled by the AFL. You might turn out to be the finest player of a generation (though everyone at Demonblog sincerely hopes you turn out more like Richard Lounder) and you'll have more money in your bank account right now than many of us combined but don't expect anyone to ever say "Gee, that Tom $cully. What a top fellow, he's a real rolemodel for my kids".
In summary, here's hoping he doesn't even make Round 13 next year and we don't have to bother creating gigantic offensive banners and hurling foul abuse at him which would be much better suited aimed at Kevin Sheedy or Dean Brogan.
Coaching Corner (Now no longer trading under its former name Koaching Korner since the Kardashians wrecked my joy of replacing C’s with K’s)
So once the Two Million Dollar Turd was off our books and the compensation banked the next step was finding a new coach. Simple enough, but with the dominos falling elsewhere at a rapid rate and "news" outlets like SportsNewsFirst inventing rumours about the coaching moves on a daily basis you could be excused for getting utterly confused about what was happening.
Which is why it was such a shock when not only the club just came out and announced we'd appointed somebody but that 'breaking news' media reports the day before were actually right for once. Let the record forever show that journalistic heavyweight Damien Barrett (just the sort of guy to do a Tim Gossage and Google his own name) stated on The Footy Show that we were all but over the line with signing Scott Burns as coach.
We've already covered the Neeld appointment and initial reaction here so there's no need to go too far into it but even at the time it seemed a bit premature for certain excitable sections of the MFC community (and not just the Facebook nutters) to throw themselves on the ground and wail miserably about the appointment.
Ok, so the old "hiring a coach nobody had ever heard of" move didn't work at the end of 2007 but we're in a totally changed landscape now. Bailey was handed a shit sandwich and expected to extract something from it. His crime in the end was that he could never beat any decent Victorian teams, he'd been dragged into boardroom intrigues, his mystery gameplan confused the buggery out of all of us and the development of some players (we're looking at you Morton) had ground to a halt. On the other hand he is the man who presided over Mark Jamar going from one of the worst players of recent years into a ruck titan who managed to stay injury free long enough to win All-Australian honours.
Mark Neeld, on the other hand, isn't being handed the full Cleveland Steamer sandwich. He's been given something moderately unhygenic that the health inspector might have trouble with but isn't completely inedible. Unfortunately when we sent the 2010 side back to the chef and said "this isn't well done enough" it was used as a toilet but surely now we're on the upswing. Either that or there's going to be a lot of people having to undergo serious psychological treatement in a couple of years time (including yours truly).
There's no doubt that so far he's said and done the right things, and I was more than happy to go along for the ride even before he gave off that serial killer vibe that I've been dying for us to harness for years, but it means precisely zero until we start seeing results on-field. He might still be an utterly naff coach. It's happened before and coming from the side who have just completed their hat-trick of mid-season sackings we're hardly taking the moral highground as one of the league's most stable clubs, but I've a strange feeling in the sub-cockle area that everything's going to be alright.
Witness for instance this picture of the new coaching staff.
You'll note all the other assistants, including the guys you've never heard of before and Brent Grgic second from right, are cracking broad smiles (except Neil Craig who was occupied in a hyperbaric chamber which produces South Australian oxygen) while their boss stands side on, showing off his not inconsiderable arms and looking sideways at the camera as if he’s about to stuff the lens cap down the photographer’s throat. I love it. I hope I still love it in 12 months time.
Speaking of assistants what do you think Bailey thinks when he sees that we've hired all these assistant assistants, fitness gurus etc? If there's even the merest hint of truth to that story being pedalled by Gerard Healy after the 186 debacle that he’d had to whip out his personal credit card in an attempt to pay for the team to stay in Geelong overnight (and I seriously doubt there was) he'd be horrified to see that the moment he goes out the door somebody loosens the purse strings and decides to try and get a decent off-field team together instead of just collaring a few blokes who used to play and hoping for the best.
Now from a point where the coach allegedly had to try and fund our footy department with an AMEX (maybe he just wanted the points? 186 will get you a free trip to Adelaide) just a few months later we've got more coaching staff than you can shake a stick at. In one way or the other they're all impressively credentialled but will it make even the slightest bit of difference? Well it can’t hurt can it?
My favourite non-Neeld moment was signing Leigh Brown about 20 minutes after the Pies lost the Grand Final. When Brenton Sanderson was charging to the fence to hug the Geelong players and coaches there's every possible chance Cam Schwab was leaning over the shoulder of the Collingwood cheersquad trying to get Leroy to sign a contract in the forward pocket.
So with the new uber-structure in place the time came to throw down challenges to the players. We've all got our list of disappointments from last season, and odds are that Davey and Morton feature on 99% of them but to his credit the coach opened fire on the wider crowd and took to Jack Watts as well. He was pretty good last season, certainly ranked highly in the awards on this site, but why not tell him he needs to do much better? It's one thing battering the perceived weak links but didn't you just go a little bit wobbly at the knees when started torching Jack as well? Not that the kid deserves a roast but bloody hell if that's what it takes to boost him from "promising" to an out and out superstar then let's go with it. He should do a Norm Smith/Ron Barassi and take Jack in just to yell at him.
It'll be interesting to see how his philosophy about putting a team together holds up between Round 1 and Round 22. "I have pre-defined roles for my team" he said, "and anybody who doesn't fit those roles will play VFL". Be still my beating heart. The hint is very much that Aaron Davey will end up back in the forward line (and god knows we need CRUMB from somewhere) but in the great man's words if he doesn't fit the required role then he'll be out. Good. And that goes for all of them, I love The Jurrahcane in as rigorous and manly fashion as is socially acceptable but if maniacal forward pressure is the name of the game and he's not into it then we need to talk.
Remembering back to '04/'05 Davey practically invented the concept of forward pressure, and it was glorious. He's had his run as a playmaker, let's bring him home. As long as he we can get him in a frame of mind where he isn't biffing people out of frustration then he's still got plenty to offer. Unless one of Bennell or Jetta is going to go ballistic we've got to have at least one dangerous small forward, and we’ve got scant time to wait for a kid to develop into a dangerous option. Actually we’ve probably got two or three years before it’s really crucial but I’ve had enough of waiting, I want it now.
Trading Places
Trade Week is one of footy's greatest let-downs every year. When they extended it by three days this season I think everyone thought "wow, that's another three days of nothing happening before a wild flurry of action on the last day". Even with a recent record of having ripped Brisbane and Carlton off blind on the Johnstone/McLean deals the week is still immensively overrated. Luckily I was on holidays for almost all of it this year and only managed to check-in to the non-action occassionally instead of being suckered into listening to endless hours of speculation and idle waffle on SEN or Trade Week Radio.
In the end it's a good thing they did extend it, because if they hadn't the closest we'd have got to action would have been the on again, off again, never actually on the cards speculation about Emo Maric going to North. Just in case you thought being involved with North wasn’t the best move for somebody who has cracked one smile in a decade the poor bastard has now wound up at Richmond jumper. If he turns up at Tigerland with a beaming grin, looking like the happiest man alive I’ll be asking serious questions.
There was also the minor matter of flogging Warnock to the Gold Coast for an almost irrelevant pick. Good luck to him, he did do his best work when we were utterly dire and the backline was under siege every 30 seconds every week (instead of every second week in 2011) so he'll fit in well at Gold Coast. Will probably win a flag before we do.
The main event though was the Mitch Clark heist. What began as a speculative mid-week escape into trying to ruin his tearful Perth homecoming wound up with us snatching him from under the noses of the Dockers despite them all but announcing he'd signed. Let's all be entirely honest here, you can say whatever you like about Mark Neeld and Josh Mahoney giving inspirational speeches in Chinese restaurants but the reason he ditched Freo was for big fat wads of cold hard cash.
The revelation that we'd used our vast cash reserves to cause somebody to have a sudden and dramatic change of heart about the city they'd like to live in caused momentary uneasiness for some. Not least idiots like me who broke their stated ban on tweeting footballers to write to our mate Mitch and declare that while I would have liked him to join us it was good to see somebody pick family over cash for once. Effectively it was just another in a long line of subtle digs at the $cully family which will continue for years to come, but in the end it looked rather foolish. Never again.
Whether he's any good or not is anybody's guess. I'm not entirely convinced of his merits as a goal frenzy full-forward given that his career high season tally is 27 set this year and the next best was nine the year before. I suppose it's all about structure and taking the heat off Jurrah/Watts etc.. Also given the situation we're in with our salary cap it's practically a free hit but at least he's young enough for us to get something out of him if the forward thing doesn't work out. Don't forget Jamar is 29 next season. If we need another ruckman in two years or somebody else comes along to kick the goals Mitch will still only be 25. He might turn out to be the most expensive decoy in history for all we know, but as long as it ends in him hoisting the premiership above his head then I'll consider it a success.
"That's just like $cully! You're all hypocrites!" screamed opposition fans when the deal went through. No it's not you peasants. Well, maybe it is a bit but only in the manner in which a decision was clearly made based on Scrooge McDuck style money. The difference is we've given the game 150+ years and GWS have given it about 25 minutes, a recycled nutbag as coach and uniforms that Red Rooster employees would refuse for being too ugly.
But the Northern Filth aren't finished yet. Stopped from ransacking any more of our players (until the rules are inevitably changed to help them more) they've turned their attention on the Southern Filth in an attempt to wrest Pendlebury from Collingwood's grasp. Cue McGuire trying to prop up the ratings on his Nickleback friendly radio show by coming out beating his chest about how it would be "war" if they attempted to poach any of his players. Gee, I'll bet the team which is funded and practically run by the league are absolutely quaking in their boots at that prospect. Face facts Eddie, given the choice between having any of us in their league or having a team in Blacktown the AFL aren't going to choose the Melbourne option. Start your own league or bend over and cop it like everyone else.
Everyone's favourite failed Nine Network CEO even threw in a cheapshot at us, declaring that you can't just steal players from Collingwood like you could from Melbourne. Part of me wants GWS to get Pendlebury just so we can laugh at Eddie, but that boosts (even further) their chances of a premiership, and by extension $cumbag Scully's prospects, so we can't have that. But we don't want Ed to be right do we? Maybe we do. My preferred scenario is for them to get driven into a bidding war to keep him, and for Eddie's ego to make him pay anything Pendles wants, meaning they get to keep him but at the expense of losing other quality players then winding up falling apart like an Iranian airliner the next year, leaving nothing but Pendlebury and his Captain Jack Sparrow haircut as a lonely but rich figure in the middle of the MCG amongst 16 Irishmen and Juice Newton at Full Forward.
Training Updates
Is John Meesen still "training the house down"? (about time that cliche is retired) There are a lot of fantastic training updates on various forums. I assume they’re fantastic anyway because personally the concept bores me so much I mentally tune out and start daydreaming the moment anybody starts talking about it.
Somebody won a time trial, somebody was in the rehab group, nobody's yet been seen sporting a ludicrous +50 number and Dunn sadly hasn’t seen fit to be ironic and get rid of his moustache in November when everybody else is growing one. The only snippet of half interest was an observation that Cale Morton appears to actually gotten smaller since last season. If he's not suffering some form of flesh eating virus then I'm not here. Just concede the rest of the pre-season and send him to the world's best doctors to sort it out before he suffers a Benjamin Button style recession into childhood followed shortly afterwards by death. It would still make him the luckiest of all the Morton brothers.
The nadir of pre-season training fever came the other day when the club invited everyone to go down and watch them have a swimming session at the Cranbourne pool. Riveting stuff indeed. Good on them for giving people the opportunity but I'd love to know what you're going to get out of it other than hanging around with your camera phone waiting for a stray jatz cracker to pop out the side of somebody's speedos. You sick freak.
If anybody wants to write a pre-season training update and can inject even the slightest modicum of life into the subject please write in, you're more than welcome to have a shot. Personally I reserve the right to show not the slightest interest until at least the rookie draft is done and we've finalised our list. Or in February.
Draft Watch
What time is kickoff on Thursday? Because I’ll see you about half an hour after that when they get through Team Golden Child having the first 200 picks. May each one either be the next Luke Molan and never do anything ever or the next Buckley/Rocca and run for their life to a proper club at the first available opportunity.
Surely they're not persisting with the joke of pre-selecting the top ten and doing them in reverse order. They couldn’t could they? It was enough of a farce last year when most of the top 10 was taken up by Gold Coast, but this year it would be one of the greatest piss extractions of all time to expect people to show any interest in a reversed top ten where the teams involved have a combined support of 2000 people.
Of course there's one very good reason to watch from the start if you can make it all the way to pick 36 without booting your TV screen in out of frustration at the rorts, and that’s the startlingly amateur production that Fox Sports usually put on.
I appreciate the fact that they even show it at all (though realistically aren't you just as well off listening to it on SEN?), but in two years they've managed to - in order - cut out after the first round and subject us to interviews conducted by heavyweights like Jason Dunstall then last year place one solitary cameraman in the middle of the recruiter tables, thus forcing the poor bastard to have to find who he was meant to be aiming the camera at in quick succession as every pick was announced. Usually despite waving the camera about like a whirling dervish and providing us with action footage of the carpet he missed showing the pick being made anyway, leaving us with just the audio – and there you are back to listening to it on the radio again.
How do you think they'll muck it up this time? I hope it's by leaving the microphone at our table on and catching the recruiting staff lamenting wasting a #1 pick on a disloyal crunt.
Granted that they'll find some way to stuff it up I'll do what I did last year and cue up SEN then mute it just in case Fox do something stupid or the coverage drops out, but realistically given that our picks will start at about midnight and phantom drafts have been rendered even more useless than ever before I'll have probably given up and gone out for a kebab by then anyway.
I couldn't tell you exactly what sort of player I want, because by the mid 30's recruiting effectively becomes somebody opening fire on a lake and hoping to hit a fish. There might be sliders, there might be bolters and if we’re really unlucky Pick 36 might be an utter hack that you’ll never ever hear from again. Alternatively he could be a superstar - how many times do we need to hear about how Dane Swan was drafted at Pick 1000 before he was a champion player/cleaner beater? – but it's nothing to get excited over immediately. So, working on the understanding that I'll never have heard of any of the players we pick I’ll give you a simple three point plan on the sort of guys I’d like to take with picks 36/52/54. Any combination of the following will do;
a) Players with silly names
b) Snarling, ugly individuals who are less attractive than Mick Martyn (but who aren't off-field dickheads)
c) Batshit crazy insane psychopaths who should by all rights spend more time in hospital with head injuries than they do on the field (but won’t wind up suing us in the end).
Actual being adept at playing football wouldn't hurt either but if there's one thing I've learnt in more than 20 years following this club it's that ability is an optional extra.
Then with no picks in the Pre-Season draft there's just the rookie draft to care about. We've got Paul Couch's son training with us (via Collingwood VFL) which is fine because all our father-son selections have been so shite over the last 20 years that we'd might as well try to get a son from another club and see if that works better than any of Chris Johnson, Michael Clark or Shane Burgmann. Shouldn't be too hard, even if by all rights Jack Viney (and maybe Steven Stretch Jr) should overtake the lot of them just by pulling on the jumper for the first time.
Off-Field
It's money and plenty of it apparently. I've got absolutely no understanding of how finance works but it seems that only a little of it is an actual trading profit and the rest is as the result of the Bentleigh Club merger. Which is fine, I'll take small profit over some of these doomsday figures any day of the week.
What's most impressive is somehow putting roughly $6m of assets on the books by acquiring what I understand to be - having never gone closer than driving past Yawla Street, Bentleigh - the equivalent of somebody's stately manor with a few pokies thrown in. I suspect they'll try and use it as the social club that we've never really had, but it's not much use to anybody who doesn't live on that side of town.
Encyclopedia Titanica
I've been beavering away at Demonwiki over the last few months, adding new features and polishing up pages that already exist. If you haven't seen it already check it out or send the link to anybody who might be interested.
It's up to 5863 pages so good luck finding exactly what you want. I suggest that classic Wiki move of opening up a random page and seeing where it takes you. If you want something more structured try the Players or Seasons sections. When time allows (i.e when not writing epic waffle like this) I'm currently going through the Football Records of the 80's and adding Under 19's scores and goalkickers.
It's not cheap maintaining this helter skelter life of excitement and obscure information though. You can either donate to Demonwiki directly from the site itself (and we promise to use all donations for their intended purpose and not to fund Sylvia style nights on the town) or by 'taking an active interest' in the ads on this page. Take an active interest early, take an active interest often because pretty soon we're going to have to go cap in hand to the club and ask them for a grant to pay for the hosting. Come on, I know you're reading - don't make me grovel just write in with an offer. I promise not to criticise the administration on here ever again while the cheques are rolling in.
Final thoughts
Buy a membership. Now.
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