Farcical Preview Corner

Greetings from sunny Noosa. Well, sunnier than it has been for the last two days. I've never seen so much rain in my life, and it'll be just my luck it'll start again tomorrow night at about 7pm.

No preview, I'm far too hungover and dying from humidity to do such a thing. In = Neitz, Jamar, OUT = Ferguson, Johnson. Will we win? Probably not. I tipped us anyway.

Back to lying down... See you on Sunday night/Monday morning for full report and commentary.

Have you noticed?

Read BigFooty recently? You'd better say yes - after all they OWN this page. Noticed anything interesting about it? I have. Suddenly after years of being ignored by pretty much everyone, the Melbourne Football Club has suddenly become the flavor of the month for every 16-year-old, semi-literate, forum trolling, habitual masturbator in the country.

Witness, for instance, the following. Summaries provided to stop you having to read the whole thing,

Clint Bizzell is... (Bizzell is soft. Thank god Geelong ditched him. No mention of whether or not they think Kent Kingsley is actually a footballer)
Brad Miller.. Do you know where the goals are?? (You can't play CHF unless you kick goals. If you take 20 marks and win by 10 goals you are still a dud)
Brad Miller? Grossly overrated... (Same author as the Bizzell thread. Even cops it from his fellow Geelong fans for being a complete plank)
Why Melbourne's performance today mirrors their true selves and why they're nothing (Guess who? Just buy a membership already)
In true Dreamon tradition.Cough,Splutter,Choke,Pop (Somebody else for once. True comedy moments included "Brick" McLean and Colin "Bronzia". Absolutely farcical attempt at humor.)
That is ******** weak Melbourne fans (We have no fans. We're a disgrace etc..)
Melbourne- no chance for the flag at all (From a Collingwood fan. Clearly an expert on the subject)
Yze - flat track bully & cheat (Another Pie rocket scientist. Basic point being that he can't play against any side that isn't rubbish)

Look back far enough and you'll find "Melbourne are finished!", "Neitz is a thug!", "Green is a pansy!", "Sylvia is rubbish!" etc.. "You voted to merge!", "You are going to merge!" It's all there. You can't go more than a page without running into it.

Ladies, and gentlemen. Hail the birth of

THE MELBOURNE COMPLEX.

They can't stop talking about us. Everything we do is big news to them. Their entire lives revolve around waiting for us to fuck up so they can strike another blow across the internet for whatever pointless cause they're fighting. We know we've got no fans and we know we've spent forty years being mediocre at the best of times. Why bother? You can almost understand some of the Geelong fans having a complex - after all they're one of the few who haven't won anything for as long (or longer) than us - and until a few years ago were as deeply financially ruined as us. But then you realise that most Cats fans are sane and rational people and see that the complex doesn't have any particular team loyalties. It's right across the spectrum of Victorian based teams. What did we do? Where does the complex come from?

Suddenly we're even copping it on our board. As the Eagles fans dropped by to have their say in a respectful manner (and you've got to pay credit to that). Suddenly we were swamped by a pair of Richmond clowns, (Let's call them R1 and R2), another pissweak anti-Yze thread by another Collingwood fan, and from our old nemesis "Linga45" (see half the above posts) probably the worst tactic ever employed in a supposedly "insulting" thread. I give you the poem heard around the world. Type "acrostic" into google - the first result is "Acrostics for Children". Need we say anymore? Well, yes in fact. M apparently stands for "Mass terrible". Top start. Doesn't get much better.

Of course we can hazard a guess as to where this outpouring of emotion comes from. Whenever we win a game you can be sure that there are going to be 13 threads about how great we are, how we're going to win the flag and how N. Daniher should be elected as Pope. And whoever the mysterious Yze_Magic was they've gone down in history for being the most annoying MFC 'supporter' in history. Can't shake the feeling that it was somebody from another club (possibly one of the Complexed masses) doing a gimmick to make us look shambolic. Worked a treat.

So.. I'm calling for a boycott. Let the clowns write whatever they want - just don't reply. In an ideal world a 10 page thread of people hammering us and justifying their sad lives will go unchallenged. You can't argue with a complexed person. Sanity and rational argument don't come into it. One day we'll win a flag (I shake to even think of it) and there will still be hundreds of these trashbags writing threads about how awful we are and how Travis Johnstone should be burnt at the stake. So from now on I'm OUT. I invite you to join in. Your blood pressure will thank me. Read the threads - laugh out loud at the outrageous spelling errors and complete inability to differentiate between 'their', 'they're' and 'there' - just don't feed the trolls. Unless you're feeding them intravenously after smashing their teeth in with a 3 Iron.

Cover My Ass Corner

Did you know? Of Melbourne's four losses this season I've been present for one and a half quarters. Alternatively I've seen us win everything else bar, I think, North in Canberra. Now that's what I call a good luck charm. My only blogworthy moment of the day was desperately trying to find somewhere to watch (or listen to) the last quarter in Port Melbourne, stumbling into Rex Hunt's Ye Olde Fish Shoppe (or whatever it's called) thinking that it's the most obvious place in the world for it - only to find them pumping out shitty Top 40 music at a million decibels. Shattered.

So on that note we're proud to present the inaugural Every Day Is Like Sunday guest report. From Peter of Glutbusters. Read this report first, then read that as well. I heartily concur with his analysis regarding the Perfect Strangers theme song and would recommend that Port Adelaide adopt a version of it immediately.

Erm.. anyway. Here he is,

Okay.

Let me start off this special guest match report by stating
officially for the record that Chris Heffernan is not a footballer.
Certainly, he does an excellent impression - all neat uniform and
silky skills. However, that key footballing attribute - the ability,
nay, desire, to obtain the football - is absent from Heffernan's
player profile. Sure, if the ball is to come his way, and he is able
to grab it without exerting a great deal of effort, he might just
grab it. He may even pass it on to a team mate. Any more than that,
I'm afraid, is dreaming.

Memo Neale: Steven Armstrong, Daniel Ward, Daniel Bell. Think about
it. God, even consider Luke Williams. At least he wants it occasionally.

So. To the G. Things were looking bad when our banner ripped, in the
words of Gerard Whately, like one of Hulk Hogan's T-shirts. Think
back to the '87 elimination final against North. Their banner did the
same thing. Result: Dees by 20 goals. We had been forewarned.

But, you know what, it didn't look all that bad from the start. It
was a bit ominous early, with Matera snagging one and Judd looking
generally destructive. But Brucey sooned quietened him down and we
got a bit of a run on - 4 on the trot in fact. Even big Ben Holland
(all's forgiven, Ben, I didn't mean a word) drilling a monster from
55. Davey had it on a string. Damn, we were looking good. But then...
Matera. Bobbed up for another 3. Whelan as loose as granny's
underpants. Dees go into quarter time 9 points down.

And to be honest, it didn't get much better. Travis racked up
possession after possession, but damaging? No. Coughing it up twice
going into half-forward? Yep. Dees slow, behind, missing targets by
hand and by foot. White getting towelled by Cox. No targets up
forward. Yze, shame shame shame, hanging back for easy kicks. Not
chasing, not contesting, and worst of all, missing two MASSIVE set
shots from the pockets in the third. If there wasn't that consecutive
games record that we're hanging onto BY RIGHTS (Jim Stynes, I will
always love you, you big lug), I'd suggest a run in the twos. Harsh?
Perhaps.

The last saw me faced with that most hideous of choices: with a
comeback on the cards, did I emotionally invest? Could I bear not
only an afternoon's worth of sub-standard midfield work, but to have
my heart broken as our run home was snuffed out as well? Could I do
it? Could I fuck. Brucey had a million touches, Trav hitting tit
again. Wheels in the forward line and doing alright. Robbo putting
everything on the line and being the key forward target that Ben
Holland, bless his heart, just wasn't up to. Judd who?

Ah, fuck it. Robbo hit the post. Daniel Kerr got a million clearances
and we were gone. Five day break, my arse. We missed targets and we
missed them all day. No excuses.

The worst thing? Not only do we get done but we have to listen to
that FUCKING TERRIBLE SONG. I'd rather be beaten by Richmond. At
least you get the "yellow and black!".

The Demonblog / Glutbusters votes:

5. Travis Johnstone - again.
4. Russell Robertson - is there a limit to this man's workrate? No.
3. Brad Green - worked his arse off and got nothing for it.
2. Aaron Davey - 4 goals. Did his job.
1. Paul Wheatley - pretty much shut Matera down after quarter time
and got a few kicks himself.

Honourable mentions: Ben Holland - good bustling, Nathan Brown - ran
hard, Cameron Bruce - but one great quarter is not enough, Brad
Miller - presented as always, Colin Sylvia - showed a bit of toe -
he'll be a superstar, and then go to Adelaide (no, Scott, the wounds
have not yet healed).

Cheers Peter. Even if the Luke Williams comment caused me anguish. The Player of the Year leaderboard - now complete with new leader - looks like this,

22 - Travis Johnstone
17 - Cameron Bruce
15 - Brad Green
12 - Russell Robertson
11 - Adem Yze
9 - Brock McLean
6 - Ryan Ferguson, Clint Bizzell
5 - Brent Moloney, Jared Rivers, Aaron Davey
4 - Alistair Nicholson
3 - James McDonald, Brad Miller, Nathan Brown
2 - Paul Wheatley
1 - Russell Robertson, Colin Sylvia, Matthew Whelan

Next Week: Nothing at all. Let's all go and watch Sandringham or Prahran in the Amateurs or something. The week after, however, TSP is on tour in Brisbane. Full preview, action, reaction and court summary after that game.

Half Assed Match Preview Corner

So then.. Tomorrow, 2.10pm @ the MCG. Melbourne vs West Coast. Grand Final preview or the future winners of the 2005 "Fall In A Heap" award? I wouldn't dismiss the second one completely, we are the defending holders after all.

Our only change is Neitz out (*sob*) and Heffernan in (!+#@$?!?!?!!!) with Holland at FF. Should have started Sylvia @ FF for comedy value. Lovely to see Steve Armstrong getting shafted again despite being amongst the best for Sandringham last week. They couldn't do any more to make him the new Chris Lamb if they gave him #29* and a C. Lamb mask to wear in the 2nds. Presumably he'll be featuring in our latest player exchange deal with the Fremantle Dockers at the end of the season. I suggest we flog the trio of Armstrong, Williams and Rigoni for Haselby and Pavlich.

(* How quickly we forget. I had to look that number up)

In a rare upset I've tipped us to win, but that could be due to the fact that my tipping this year is going downhill faster than the Michael Jackson prosecution case and I need to regain ground rapidly. Personally I think we're every possible chance of doing over the Eagles given their decidedly average form on the G this year. If you're one of these people who subscribe to the "well if A beat B and we beat A then we should beat B" then you'll be studying the margins in the Eagles/Collingwood and Melbourne/Collingwood games closely and letting me know the winner and exact margin so I can punt on it at the TAB. If you go back far enough using that theory you'll probably find out that we'd lose to University, Fitzroy and the Brisbane Bears if they came back today.

Remember to celebrate some of the great moments in WC/MFC games over the years. Chris Lewis eating Todd Viney's finger, Allen Jakovich (god) pashing his brother in the middle of the field and when we beat them in '98 coming off two huge losses with a team featuring Mark Bradly and a Cockatoo-Collins brother.

The Demonblog computers are estimating a crowd of 29856. Consisting of the following groups,

* The core 13000 Melbourne fans who are there every time no matter how shit we are.
* 8000 bandwagon MFC fans who have heard we're winning, want to get a slice of it and will walk out in disgust if we lose calling for Daniher's head and claiming they'll rip their memberships up despite the fact they never had one in the first place.
* 4100 Melbourne based West Coast fans
* 1600 Travelling West Coast fans
* 1600 fans of other clubs who had nothing better to do or just hate us with a passion.
* 1100 West Coast bandwagon fans
* 355 people who were dragged along by a partner who supports one of the two teams despite their protests that they don't actually care about football. These people will sit there for four quarters asking "why is everybody getting so excited? It's only a game".
* 250 of those sick people who claim that they don't follow anyone and are just there to "support the game" and watch a "great match of footy"
* 86 little league kiddies and their families. None of whom will actually support the two teams playing.
* 25 pissheads who think Collingwood are playing and wait the entire four quarters for the "reserves" game to finish before they realise they're in the wrong stadium, in the wrong state, in the wrong week.

Prediction: Melbourne by 11. Me to kick a work computer screen to pieces during the tense fourth quarter.

Yet again I won't be in attendance due to work. Feel free to offer me a 9-5 Monday to Friday job in the comments box. Must pay a shitload, guarantee me Queens Birthday off and start by tomorrow.

For a legitimate preview the AFL have you covered, click here.

And for anyone who's into history here's last year's report,

Eagles fans love big Cox
May 9th, 2004
8.38pm

Indeed they might but the world’s most obvious headline - and almost certainly the mark of the year - was all West Coast took home from today’s game at the MCG.

While the hideous bitch goddess that is lady luck conspired to have me working while Carlton were routed last week I was in attendance today and considering I’d been interned at work during the last two home wins threats were made that if we lost today I would be banned for the rest of the season. Luckily that was not the case as the opposition were vanquished by 49 points and the MFC winning streak “Give us a Premiership you bastards so Adam can die already�? World Tour rolled on.

The most exciting development of the day for me - result aside - was the fact that the Ponsford Stand scoreboard has finally been turned on, seven weeks into the season. It gives those of us who aren’t AFL or MCC members the chance to actually see the massive amounts of shit that is being broadcast on the screens at the MCG now. That Vodafone “Fan Cam�? shit is far more insidious than that it sounded all this time as it effectively takes away a fifth of the big screen view of the game for the entire second half and replaces it with a pissy little picture of a single player standing around for an entire quarter. And the worst thing? It actually involves people wasting money SMS’ing to say which player they want to see stand around and do nothing. Suffice to say anyone who does spend their money on this needs to be taken outside and shot.

The most distressing element of West Coast’s visit to the MCG - aside from their theme song that features a barely audible female backing track that sounds as if she was being interfered with in the studio at the time - was the colossal stack in their cheersquad by the Hungry Jacks marketing team. Not only were the ‘motivational’ banners provided by the Jack but there were also idiots actually waving Hungry Jacks flags. Not West Coast flags with the Hungry Jacks logo on it but ones with nothing BUT the logo on it. I hope their own the payroll or these people should be added to the firing squad line outside the ground.

It was also interesting to note on my way around to the Southern Stand before the game that thanks to the death of the Olympic Stand you could effectively stand in the carpark and watch the entire game through the fence with the aid of the newly turned on scoreboard. Given the amount of scabs who were content to save their $20 by watching one third of the ground from the footbridge last season it’s fair to assume that more than one cheap bastard was looking on from the car park today. I don’t want to run out of bullets or anything but these people should probably be considered for execution as well.

Another massive development has been the changing face of the kids and assorted bogans 100m sprint onto the ground at the end of the game. Once upon a time it was a free-for-all where you could do whatever you like. Then a few seasons back they banned people from running into the centre square - obviously wary of a Colonial Stadium style turf debacle - followed last year by a ban on jumping the fence and it’s zany hi-tech scrolling advertisements. This year, though, it’s gone even more technological and the tagline to the whole “stay off our ground until the second siren or we’ll kill you�? concept is now that the entire thing is “subject to weather conditions�?. Amazing.

So now Melbourne go to Geelong next Sunday with both teams in good form and a 1988-present hillbilly town slump hanging over our heads. Will the hoodoo be snapped? Will Adam be snapped out? At what point will the words “but you live in Geelong�? be used? Stay tuned to find out.

Obviously we lost the Geelong game, but more about that later in the year.

Great Moments in the Internet

Hello to the person who googled for Ben Holland and ended up clicking this,



Suddenly I feel significant. A little bit anyway.

Why would anyone google for Ben Holland anyway? Probably wondering if he'll play FF this week when Neitz is out.

You're All Winners

Provisionally anyway... Pending a pen/paper contract signing interface,

MELBOURNE captain David Neitz and star forward Adem Yze appear certain to finish their careers with the Demons after they agreed, in principle, to take a pay cut to stay.

Neitz, who had surgery yesterday on a depressed fracture of his cheekbone, will shortly re-sign for two years, while the in-form Yze is close to agreeing to a three-year deal.

In addition, the new management of last year's All-Australian ruckman Jeff White has started contract negotiations with Melbourne.

All three Melbourne best-and-fairest winners are out of contract at the end of the season.

Demons list manager Craig Cameron said yesterday all three had indicated they were prepared to stay at the club, which is rebuilding well off the field in its second year of receiving special financial assistance from the AFL.

The willingness of the players to stay together for less reward is being viewed by the Demons as a sign of solidarity on the eve of one of their most important games of the season, against leaders West Coast at the MCG on Saturday.

No Steven Powell "run for the bank whilst clutching a giant cheque" moments this season then.

Post match reaction

Further discussion of yesterday's events,

My train into the city yesterday was an extra "footy" train. My carriage was packed full of people in black and white, or red and blue, jumpers, scarfs, beanies and the like. There is a good atmosphere on trains like that. I generally really like it. Except yesterday there was a man- clearly with a mental disability- walking up and down the carriage asking people "Collingwood? You go for Collingwood?" really loudly right in their faces. And, if anyone said no, he SPAT on them. Right in their face. Isn't that gross. These poor girls wearing melbourne jumpers had no hope. Thank god I'd worked out the scam by the time he got to me, and I was spared his saliva.

Now, the question I ask is why exactly he was allowed to pull this stunt a second time? Mental illness my arse, you cross the line when you start gobbing in people's faces. Entire train should have united and kicked his arse.