Friday, 17 June 2005

Half Assed Match Preview Corner

So then.. Tomorrow, 2.10pm @ the MCG. Melbourne vs West Coast. Grand Final preview or the future winners of the 2005 "Fall In A Heap" award? I wouldn't dismiss the second one completely, we are the defending holders after all.

Our only change is Neitz out (*sob*) and Heffernan in (!+#@$?!?!?!!!) with Holland at FF. Should have started Sylvia @ FF for comedy value. Lovely to see Steve Armstrong getting shafted again despite being amongst the best for Sandringham last week. They couldn't do any more to make him the new Chris Lamb if they gave him #29* and a C. Lamb mask to wear in the 2nds. Presumably he'll be featuring in our latest player exchange deal with the Fremantle Dockers at the end of the season. I suggest we flog the trio of Armstrong, Williams and Rigoni for Haselby and Pavlich.

(* How quickly we forget. I had to look that number up)

In a rare upset I've tipped us to win, but that could be due to the fact that my tipping this year is going downhill faster than the Michael Jackson prosecution case and I need to regain ground rapidly. Personally I think we're every possible chance of doing over the Eagles given their decidedly average form on the G this year. If you're one of these people who subscribe to the "well if A beat B and we beat A then we should beat B" then you'll be studying the margins in the Eagles/Collingwood and Melbourne/Collingwood games closely and letting me know the winner and exact margin so I can punt on it at the TAB. If you go back far enough using that theory you'll probably find out that we'd lose to University, Fitzroy and the Brisbane Bears if they came back today.

Remember to celebrate some of the great moments in WC/MFC games over the years. Chris Lewis eating Todd Viney's finger, Allen Jakovich (god) pashing his brother in the middle of the field and when we beat them in '98 coming off two huge losses with a team featuring Mark Bradly and a Cockatoo-Collins brother.

The Demonblog computers are estimating a crowd of 29856. Consisting of the following groups,

* The core 13000 Melbourne fans who are there every time no matter how shit we are.
* 8000 bandwagon MFC fans who have heard we're winning, want to get a slice of it and will walk out in disgust if we lose calling for Daniher's head and claiming they'll rip their memberships up despite the fact they never had one in the first place.
* 4100 Melbourne based West Coast fans
* 1600 Travelling West Coast fans
* 1600 fans of other clubs who had nothing better to do or just hate us with a passion.
* 1100 West Coast bandwagon fans
* 355 people who were dragged along by a partner who supports one of the two teams despite their protests that they don't actually care about football. These people will sit there for four quarters asking "why is everybody getting so excited? It's only a game".
* 250 of those sick people who claim that they don't follow anyone and are just there to "support the game" and watch a "great match of footy"
* 86 little league kiddies and their families. None of whom will actually support the two teams playing.
* 25 pissheads who think Collingwood are playing and wait the entire four quarters for the "reserves" game to finish before they realise they're in the wrong stadium, in the wrong state, in the wrong week.

Prediction: Melbourne by 11. Me to kick a work computer screen to pieces during the tense fourth quarter.

Yet again I won't be in attendance due to work. Feel free to offer me a 9-5 Monday to Friday job in the comments box. Must pay a shitload, guarantee me Queens Birthday off and start by tomorrow.

For a legitimate preview the AFL have you covered, click here.

And for anyone who's into history here's last year's report,

Eagles fans love big Cox
May 9th, 2004

Indeed they might but the world’s most obvious headline - and almost certainly the mark of the year - was all West Coast took home from today’s game at the MCG.

While the hideous bitch goddess that is lady luck conspired to have me working while Carlton were routed last week I was in attendance today and considering I’d been interned at work during the last two home wins threats were made that if we lost today I would be banned for the rest of the season. Luckily that was not the case as the opposition were vanquished by 49 points and the MFC winning streak “Give us a Premiership you bastards so Adam can die already�? World Tour rolled on.

The most exciting development of the day for me - result aside - was the fact that the Ponsford Stand scoreboard has finally been turned on, seven weeks into the season. It gives those of us who aren’t AFL or MCC members the chance to actually see the massive amounts of shit that is being broadcast on the screens at the MCG now. That Vodafone “Fan Cam�? shit is far more insidious than that it sounded all this time as it effectively takes away a fifth of the big screen view of the game for the entire second half and replaces it with a pissy little picture of a single player standing around for an entire quarter. And the worst thing? It actually involves people wasting money SMS’ing to say which player they want to see stand around and do nothing. Suffice to say anyone who does spend their money on this needs to be taken outside and shot.

The most distressing element of West Coast’s visit to the MCG - aside from their theme song that features a barely audible female backing track that sounds as if she was being interfered with in the studio at the time - was the colossal stack in their cheersquad by the Hungry Jacks marketing team. Not only were the ‘motivational’ banners provided by the Jack but there were also idiots actually waving Hungry Jacks flags. Not West Coast flags with the Hungry Jacks logo on it but ones with nothing BUT the logo on it. I hope their own the payroll or these people should be added to the firing squad line outside the ground.

It was also interesting to note on my way around to the Southern Stand before the game that thanks to the death of the Olympic Stand you could effectively stand in the carpark and watch the entire game through the fence with the aid of the newly turned on scoreboard. Given the amount of scabs who were content to save their $20 by watching one third of the ground from the footbridge last season it’s fair to assume that more than one cheap bastard was looking on from the car park today. I don’t want to run out of bullets or anything but these people should probably be considered for execution as well.

Another massive development has been the changing face of the kids and assorted bogans 100m sprint onto the ground at the end of the game. Once upon a time it was a free-for-all where you could do whatever you like. Then a few seasons back they banned people from running into the centre square - obviously wary of a Colonial Stadium style turf debacle - followed last year by a ban on jumping the fence and it’s zany hi-tech scrolling advertisements. This year, though, it’s gone even more technological and the tagline to the whole “stay off our ground until the second siren or we’ll kill you�? concept is now that the entire thing is “subject to weather conditions�?. Amazing.

So now Melbourne go to Geelong next Sunday with both teams in good form and a 1988-present hillbilly town slump hanging over our heads. Will the hoodoo be snapped? Will Adam be snapped out? At what point will the words “but you live in Geelong�? be used? Stay tuned to find out.

Obviously we lost the Geelong game, but more about that later in the year.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Crack the sads here... (to keep out nuffies, comments will show after approval by the Demonblog ARC)