If you know, you know

Melbourne against a team on the verge of setting their worst losing streak in a history spanning three centuries - what could possibly go wrong? I'd love to get violently upset about this result, but as much as I tried to convince myself we wouldn't cock this game up, deep down I think we all feared a disaster. The only thing that should be gathered in this round are the tapes of this performance to be thrown down a mineshaft.

There's plenty of precedent for weird results against Essendon - we beat them while rubbish in 2012 and 2014, they did us in the next year just before James Hird 'disappeared', and again in 2016 while fielding a baffling array of ring-ins. None of that, or our pair of losses against the same opposition at the Adelaide Oval meant anything for the result of this game, but I was still on red alert.for a letdown after the joy of rumbling Gold Coast.

I don't know why they feel the need to wear retro jumpers for this bullshit round, but instead of the 2001 version (because who doesn't fondly remember going from a Grand Final to 11th?) we should've reintroduced the 2024-2025 Hertz design. After three wins off the back of reasonably high scores this was a throwback to when we had no earthly idea how to create goals. Many of the ones we did get could be considered 'highlights' if you're generous, but fat lot of good that is if you don't balance them with stodgy, bread and butter goals too. Meanwhile, the forward line of a side that hadn't won for about 46 weeks did as they liked.

I knew somebody was going to eventually plunder us this year, but did it really have to be the team on a 17 game losing streak? Better it happened at 3-1 rather than 1-3 (or worse), and it doesn't change my opinion that we're at best a midtable side playing for a spot in the consolation finals, but could you not just struggle to a too-close-for-comfort win this week, then collectively spill your bundles across the MCG next Sunday? Shouldn't think I'll be tuning in for any footy media this week, not even for the traditional 'fast forward to our bits'. There's no point, the focus will be rightly be on them, and there's no point drawing any grand conclusions about a team that goes from beating the top side one week to falling over against one only off the bottom of the beef stock/chicken stock/laughing stock league thanks to Carlton.

You can't beat a spot of confirmation bias, so when Foxtel finally cut away from North and Brisbane playing in a public park (tough luck if you wanted build-up to our game, Melksham going through the banner in his 250th etc...) to reveal it had been raining at the Adelaide Oval, I thought it was a bad sign. If our relative success so far has been built on adventurous attacking play, and there's enough exposed form for opposition coaches to be thinking about how to stop it, conditions that might work against a team quickly moving from one end to the other were not welcomed. Turns out this wasn't a problem for one of the competing sides. In fact, the anti-rain bias was misplaced because the best we looked all day was during second quarter showers. By the end, the only moisture came from people people pissing themselves laughing at our expense.       

I could've also done without the "Dees are back!" video package, which aged about as well as Fox Sports suggesting we were on the brink of a Brisbane 2024 style flag revival right before we went belly up in Alice Springs last year. Until we're confirmed good again, I'd rather be treated with contempt than people be nice about us.

After conceding the first goal in every game this year, it's incorrect to say the tone can be set from the first bounce,but in retrospect all you need to know about this game was demonstrated by Windsor storming out from the first centre bounce, then shanking a kick into the 50 that didn't even qualify as flatter than a plateful of piss. It didn't get much better for our forwards, who didn't get any decent quick forward entries and couldn't impose themselves when presented with aimless long bombs to a contest.

For the several dozenth time in my footy watching life, we were faced with opposition who just needed to be convinced that they were outmatched to throw in the towel and left a barn-sized door open with a flashing neon sign above reading "Don't give in, there is still hope". There was a let off when one of them did a perfect lead only to have the ball punted woefully over his head, but it was still a better passage of attacking play than practically everything we did. Eventually Essendon realised you didn't need laser passes to win, just wait for the opposition attacks to die a miserable death, then kick it to your choice of forwards in a one-on-one or standing on their own.

No point getting worried early when we haven't won a first quarter all season, but we made kicking goals look difficult in the opening minutes. They came from a Fritsch set shot from the boundary and Pickett (L) rolling one through from distance but there was always a sense that we were on the verge of conceding. But it was the same in the first quarter last week and that turned out fine against much better opposition, so obviously all you had to do was sit back and wait for us to go up a gear. It happened briefly in the second quarter, just enough to make you think we might have shaken off the early lethargy and were on the way to a comfortable win. Hadn't and weren't.  

Before then, the retro atmosphere continued with somebody called May doing a decisive spoil inside our defensive 50. This time it was one of the many Bombers forwards who had been living a life of misery before running into the AFL team most likely to give their bank account details to a scammer. The only one I'll accept being beaten by is Peter Wright, who is exactly the sort of equally competent ruckman/forward that we needed after Luke Jackson, rather than buying Grundy and wasting a year of his career because he was on sale.

Just as things started to look grim, there was a late reprieve when Harry Sharp continued his back from the dead tour. The end of the sub rule might have saved his career, but I think it made us try to desperately prop up Melksham in his milestone game after doing an ankle about one minute in. Being subbed out in the first quarter would not be the desired way to celebrate 250 hard fought games, but now we had the option to bring him back on, looking about 7% fit and not having the slightest impact on the game. Can't help bad luck, but it removed any chance of him strapping a malfunctioning forward line to his back and saying "let's get these bastards for injecting me with Mexican horse drugs". 

In Melksham's effective absence, nobody else had it in them to take charge in the forward line. We've already turned to playing Petty as a forward, and he did take a couple of really good contested marks but the usual criticisms of playing him down there applied. His best work is done outside goalscoring range, so what's the bloody point if there's nobody closer to goal who can take marks and kick goals? He did have one set shot from practically right in front, but missed so here's an old whinge rebooted for the new season - why don't we play McDonald forward when a) he's historically better at it, and b) Petty should have years of full time defending ahead of him, so he might as well get on with it.

The first half seemed like an unnecessary struggle, but compared to what happened later it was practically the 2021 Preliminary Final, right down to Gawn goalling via Pickett-esque crumb. That kicked off our best period of the game, but consistent with our horrible delivery inside 50 there's no way the Langdon kick that fell to Pickett (K) was meant to go there. Regardless, it was fair payment for the epic chase and tackle Pickett had just done in the middle of the ground. If we'd won I'd have watched that highlight on repeat until my eyes bled, but now it can go in the vault with all the fancy goals we kicked in this game that ended up counting for STUFF ALL because they weren't backed up by enough good old fashioned, as useful in the 2020s as the 1920s goals from marks.

Unless you're in the Cheer Squad and are committed to going to every game, anyone who supported Gather Round got what they deserved by paying to watch this. Including weather conditions that looked from one camera angle like the nicest day in the history of Adelaide, and from another like it was absolutely pissing down. By the time Sparrow got the next goal, via a smart pass from Fritsch, which allowed the commentators to unfairly defame him for alleged past crimes against teamwork, it was back to bright sunshine both literally and metaphorically. It came 

A few people got their back up about the commentators practically punting Essendon home, but go back and watch games where we won as massive underdogs and you'll find the same thing. You can't crack the shits just because this time we were the buffoons on the wrong side of the result. Be thankful that Fox put on what they thought was a B-grade commentary team but were actually quite sensible. Imagine the utter tripe that you'd have been subjected to if Dwayne Russell was involved. There must be an AI option to generate the audio of what he'd have sounded like so you can appreciate how comparatively calm and sensible this commentary was.

There'd have been no need for people to reach for things to get upset about (and keep that in mind later when I start discussing VFL scheduling) if we'd kept going until half time. That would've given Essendon enough to claim they were getting better while also getting the green light to pack it in during the second half. Sadly, the Bombers were not interested in politely accepting their club's outright record losing streak and kicked the next goal. But then we got two, one created by a quality tackle in the middle by Sharp, and a Pickett (K) play on that I thought was extremely optimistic but turned out to be rare genius.

It all started to go teet up when Gawn's first half domination in the centre bounces saw him grab the ball yet again, before we somehow allowed it to go the other way, where Essendon should've had the immediate reply. It looked more like our type of game now, but I was still nervy about being rumbled on the turnover. It's understandable to be caught out when an attacking raid goes wrong unexpectedly, but being carved up like a Christmas turkey from a kick-in after van Rooyen's rubbish set shot was inexcusable. Things might have turned out better if he'd kicked OOF, instead they went *BOING* down the other end, cut the gap to six, and went off with their tails unnecessarily up.

The only song I hate as much as Believe is the one where people are asked if they've heard about closing the god damn door, but it would've been an appropriate tune to pipe into the rooms during half time. We couldn't blame Essendon kicking miracle goals or getting controversial frees yet, it was just the genuine 50/50 game that you'd have expected before Essendon started the season like an East German hatchback.

When presented with dishevelled opposition who've been given a sniff of a breakthrough victory, one option is to boot their head in after half time with a few steadying goals. We went for Plan B, which involved them levelling the scores almost immediately. It came from a well-taken set shot that should probably have been advanced to the goalline after McSizzle all but yelled "Pay a dissent free against me you arsehole" at the umpire. Per games played, I reckon he's got away with berating more umpires than anyone since that rule came in. I hope the Freo player who once got done for cracking the shits at an umpire during Gather Round wasn't watching this or he'd have punted the TV in. I appreciate the passion, but there's about a 99% chance that the one time he does get pinched for going ballistic it'll be at the end of a close game.

Down the other end our forward line had gone into hiding. After Petty's miss he set up the next chance with another good mark, only for Steele to miss from even more right in front. We were doing everything possible to keep Essendon in this game, including JVR spilling marks in a way that would have St. Kilda fans calling Lifeline. Maybe he's only aroused by the prospect of hearing Rock The Casbah after goals, but since that alleged breakthrough performance in Round 1 van Rooyen has not been good.

The forwards were getting awful service but it doesn't mean they couldn't make something of it. Didn't help that Melksham was too broken to contribute. I know midfield Pickett has been a winner, but what about throwing him inside 50 during the third quarter and trying to introduce a bit of carnage? As it was, we gave the downtrodden Essendon defenders all the time and space they needed to transport the ball out of the backline with all the white-glove care of movers shifting the Mona Lisa.

Brief respite came from a Pickett family reunion, as (L) set up (K) for a snap, before I uttered an audible obscenity when it looked like Essendon cancelled it out from the next bounce. We were saved by a free in the contest, but went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like Tholstrup's horrendous job at pretending he had no option but to run straight out of bounds. Then, a kick from long distance and difficult angle turned into from square and directly in front after a 50 for Turner making feather-like contact with the torso of an opponent that was. 

This was the beginning of the end, and kicked off a few minutes that gave delusional people the chance to blame umpires for the loss. Yeah nah. Can't argue Lever getting away with a hold, then dragging the ball back in and giving away a free anyway, but you certainly can question the player being run down running into an open goal and getting away with a 'handball', only for Langdon to fresh-air his attempt to rush the subsequent kick over the line. Not a great moment in umpiring, but it's not their fault we got three goals up in the second quarter and failed to go on with it. There were plenty of shizen decisions last week too and we seemed to overcome that by being otherwise good. 

Now we were left having to chase a three goal deficit in the last quarter. Young teams have done stupider things than that, but instead of coming out firing and giving them something to think about we basically formed a 30 minute guard of honour congratulating Essendon for ending their miserable run. If had to lose I'm glad it was a mid-range thrashing, because I'd have been much more upset at launching a comeback and falling short.

If the first bounce told you everything you needed to know about this game, the runner-up in that category was Langdon trying to keep the ball alive inside 50, only for his tap to go straight to an Essendon player to clear the danger without us going anywhere near having a shot at goal. Then Chandler tried to run onto a high kick in the forward pocket and ended up in the crowd. He'd have done well to stay on that side of the fence because nothing on-field beyond this point was worth participating in. The Merrett snap from his arse was the final nail in the coffin, before they carried on like a deranged undertaker and banged a few more in. 

For anyone who can be bought off by highlights, Langford kicked a mad goal on the run from the boundary line but it was too late to have an impact. Out of protest at our performance, if it's nominated for Goal of the Year I'll vote for the other two contenders. Then there was Langdon nearly killing himself in a failed Kamikaze effort to stop a mark. Credit to him for trying to play the game out, but everyone else had given up so no need to get killed for a lost cause.

I don't object to losing, but I hate giving opposition fans lifelong happy memories. Fremantle fans have probably already forgotten about beating us in Round 2, but now there'll be Essendon fans going to their grave talking about the time they ended the streak. Also, losing to Brad Scott annoys me, but that's happened enough over the years that it's hardly a shock.

After accepting this result in sportsmanlike fashion, I got randomly upset about it for about an hour from 7pm. Then I realised that it makes no difference in the long run, and when you're in the weird Twilight Zone of neither contending nor rebuilding ups and downs will come unexpectedly. This is Essendon's day, and for the first and last time good luck to them, but even with everything we've been through since their previous win I'd still much rather our previous 18 games than theirs, even if the final one was a real piece of shit. 

Whether this is Essendon's turning point, or a North 2025 style false alarm doesn't matter a jot to us, what matters is if we took anything out of the debacle or not. In a week where Simon Goodwin was happy to see us doing well, we could do with a bit of the learnings and connection he used to go on about in press conferences. There's no need to quaff arsenic yet, but I don't think we're going to get any heartwarming clips of Steven King's post-match love-ins with the players this week. Go on, just pretend you hit the wrong button and post footage of him asking them"What the fuck was that?"  

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
The nature of the award is that the same number of votes are awarded for each game, but I don't think there's ever been a situation where the same players have occupied the top three positions in consecutive weeks but there's been such a gulf in quality of performances. But, somebody's got to get the votes so here we are.

5 - Max Gawn
4 - Jack Steele
3 - Kysaiah Pickett
2 - Blake Howes
1 - Daniel Turner

Reluctant apologies to Lever, Petty and Sharp

Leaderboard
Ok, so Max is so far ahead in the Stynes that it is 100%, definitely NOT MY FAULT if he gets injured after I call him provisional winner. In other news, Howes is now your leader in the Seecamp and I bet nobody saw that coming. Whether it's a good sign or not is open to interpretation. Still nothing in the Rising Star, further delaying the official launch of its new naming rights sponsor.

23 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
13 - Jack Steele
11 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Tom Sparrow, Koltyn Tholstrup, Caleb Windsor
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Ed Langdon, Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek
1 - Kade Chandler, Jai Culley, Jake Lever, Harry Sharp, Daniel Turner

Next week
Now that the burden of hope has been lifted, it's safe to assume Brisbane will absolutely root us and appreciate anything better than that. I'd love to reward VFL form, but Casey had another bloody week off. This time for a state game AFL listed players aren't eligible for. Did we win? Does anyone seriously care? (Update - Fake Victoria d. Fake South Australia despite Fake Tom Scully kicking three). 

Feel free to play the game, just don't shut the league down for a week to do it. Cover the handful of absent players with Under 18 players and get on with it. Four teams have byes on either side of this week off in a league with an equal number of sides. Who are they running this competition for, and why don't AFL clubs blow up about it?

What this means is that we dropped Trent Rivers three weeks ago and didn't play him the one time Casey had a game. Nevertheless, he comes back to replace ankle injury victim Salem because I don't know who else to pick. Despite best efforts to pretend otherwise I'm also assuming Melksham's ankle is rooted, and if the solution to this dilemma is to play Petty forward again I'll complain on the internet. He goes back, McDonald goes out, and Kentfield gets to become the first VFL/AFL player ever to debut while dressed as the Phantom of the Opera. And after a week off, I'm back on the Max Heath bandwagon, because as much as Gawn is the greatest ruckman to have ever lived it's Round 5 and if we keep relying on him this heavily the great man will be dead by August. If you got Heath with the idea that he'd eventually replace Gawn then get on with the development program ASAP.

Good to have selection whinging back.

IN: Heath, Kentfield, Rivers
OUT: Melksham (inj), Salem (inj), McDonald (omit)
LUCKY: L. Pickett, van Rooyen
UNLUCKY: Anyone who wants to improve their career through the VFL

Next Year
I don't need to keep playing Essendon at the Adelaide Oval until we get a result, give us Generic Interstate Team at Norwood Oval instead. Still wouldn't travel to watch live if you paid me, but it'll be something different. 

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
For pleasing visual spectacle you'd say Langford, but for the first time ever context works against a contender for this award. I refuse to recognise anything good happening in the first quarter, so for the second time in three career goals the nomination goes to Latrelle Pickett. Now let us never speak of this cursed afternoon again. 

Administrative update
This site has been blocked on some work networks due to alleged gambling content. I assume this is caused by the pre-season award betting market post. We apologise for any inconvenience caused by your IT department being softcocks.

Final thoughts
Still not as bad as Sydney beating us after 26 losses in a row.