Unalive in '25

If you could buy canisters of premiership anaesthetic from The Demon Shop I'd chrome them until it caused hallucinations. No side effects could be worse than nightmare visions of a team that's gone from fringe premiership contention 12 months ago to kicking nearly two goals per game less than the future stars 'n battlers list of 2015.

After five respectable years, highlighted by a tremendous once-in-a-lifetime campaign, we're the worst team in Victoria again and so boring that you may have considered poking your eyes out before half time on Saturday night.

And that's just the on-field drama. The Bartlett Files might have slammed shut once we bought off settled with the ex-President, but this will be a great week to lay the boot in, no matter how pissweak the bombshell. You never know what angle the media will go with, after last week I bet on fake concern for Petracca's welfare, and instead got Jordan Lewis basically calling his old teammate a punce on live TV.

In the immortal words of the Iron Sheik:

We've even had the old 'letter from the President' email backing the coach, and this time it feels legitimate rather than the prelude to him getting the arse 10 minutes later. I appreciate Brad Green doing the fill-in job, but it's a bit farcical that we're patiently waiting for the next guy to find a time suitable to him before taking over. 

 

I'm up for almost any criticism of how things are going, but can we calm down on the famous draft pick exchange? On paper, it looks like playing Russian Roulette with 5/6 bullets loaded but we should know more than anyone that that draft picks can go astray it's us. It's all a lottery, being dudded by Gold Coast's priority pick at the end of 2019 accidentally directed us towards Luke Jackson, who played a role in 2021 that we've missed ever since. 

I'll get upset when Essendon pick a 4x Brownlow Medal winner and Lindsay is run over by an ice cream truck, until then theoretical future scenarios are the least of our concerns. Let's get upset about slowly sinking into quicksand while the coaches are wedded to this dull-as-all-buggery-style that's never going to catch on. The last two weeks have been far from our worst performances (especially against Geelong and Essendon), but it's hard to find joy watching a team play like bedraggled shipwreck survivors washed up on a desert island. 

Some say they're not playing for the coach, I reckon it's the exact opposite and they're trying too hard to look after him and feeling bad about it going so badly. Maybe not all of them, Harry Sharp probably gives 99.9% less of a rat's arse about Goodwin's feelings than Gawn, Petracca, or anyone who has only known one senior coach, but regardless of who's friends with who, we're getting to the stage where a circuit breaker might be required.

The last great letdown was 2019, but back then the coach was still relatively new, and we still had the ultimate, seemingly unattainable, goal to strive for. Now that we've seen the peak, the idea of bombing out so quickly does not appeal, and it's hard viewing both in sporting terms and spiritually. More importantly, six years ago there was a sense that the group would stick together and build for the future, now we're in a season-long waiting game to see who goes first.

It was clear where the season was going midway through the Gold Coast game, but two weeks in a row of trailing around all night behind good-not-great sides, kicking a majority of goals in a futile third quarter comeback, then gently sliding off the face of the earth have confirmed there's no escape route. You decide whether we need the Last Rites or an exorcism. I'm way too old to be real life depressed about footy, but even if the season is shot it'd be nice to get a reminder that we watch for fun. Either that, or something so outrageous that it flips my outrage trigger.  

You could ask where it all went wrong, but we haven't got time to do a #fistedforever Files Pt.2. As the MFC balloon made all sorts of rude noises while deflating last year, I tried to stay calm and pretend that 2025 would turn out ok. Even then, the best I could do for us ninth (not even remotely the worst prediction on a ladder that rated C at time of writing), but I'd have been happy to stay around the finals, get games into the kids, and try to convince at least one of the stars not to run like they've stolen something at the end of the year.

During the week the coach wanted to put our flag in the ground, and I thought this made a lot of sense. Construct a fancy underground mausoleum and let fans pay respects to a great moment in human history. Chuck the cup in there too. Turns out he was speaking in cliches about the team making a stand to protect their reputation and yada yada yada. It's getting like the coaching version of when Nathan Jones was wheeled out every week to try and put a brave face on our latest vigorous rooting. 

Imagine Jones is the last person to run out the door when they need a caretaker and he has to be the face of fiasco again? That would be cruel and unusual punishment. Here's to everyone else bolting, then the camera slowly turning to reveal Choke Yourself With A Tie calmly sitting in the corner and chewing gum before a dramatic zoom and him casually saying "I'll do it". Sadly Get Choco Pt. 3 won't happen, and I get the sense that they're warming Troy Chaplin up for a possible orderly mid-season transition.

Forget toppling the coach, if the assistants go along with this nonsense they're all as guilty as each other. Has a team ever parachuted an outsider into the top job midway through the year? Bring back Craig Jennings, who now apparently lives in a van and eats courtesy of the GWS in-house chef. We'll counter offer a decommissioned Hertz rental car and tuna from a can.

I've lost faith in miracle comebacks, Hollywood finishes, and protecting the legacy of a premiership coach, but let's not go down as the most tedious side ever to breathe air. Since turning temporarily ballistic against GWS we've been so boring that the AFL will soon be on the phone complaining about damage to their brand. There are plenty of better teams than Essendon, who conceded 160 points two games ago, and at this rate one of them will eventually hold us goalless.

I'm more interested in the dignity and welfare of our coach than many, but he's not doing himself any favours by stoically heading towards his doom without deviating from the plan. I'm not saying you nuke everything and go full in-season rebuild at 0-4, but would anyone have been upset if tried something a little bit new and kooky? Maybe there'd be trouble if we lost by 111 points, but any reasonable margin with something for the future beats another comfortable defeat featuring the same old shit as last week. We're like the Germans finding out Enigma had been cracked and still broadcasting secret war plans into it. Just like them we also had a couple of successful years before it all went horribly wrong, but that's where the comparisons end.

You just know the coaching group spent the week desperately trying to convince themselves that there was some life in this season and it wasn't time to panic. This led to team changes that were as inspiring as a get well card from the Tobin Brothers. Remember when we dropped Turner, pretended Johnson would make a difference, and got absolutely nowhere? This time they dropped Turner, didn't bother picking any sort of replacement forward, and got nowhere again. How do you win a recall with VFL goals then get the boot after one game? It's like being the only person fined when everyone runs onto the ground for a 100th goal. 

At this rate we may need to run on for the team's 100th, sometime in late July. I could understand if the player didn't fit into some great tactical shift, or the side had been exposed as too tall the previous week, but this just made an already underperforming forward line even worse, putting even more pressure on forwards who had done chuff all in the first month to make a difference. Unless Turner headbutted an assistant coach for providing feedback last week, why would you ditch him for the second time in three weeks? He hasn't done much this year, but are we developing him as a forward of the future or not? If not, we've got several weeks of a defence without Lever where he might come in handy. This is about as useful for his improvement as that bullshit two week stint as a sub last year. 

Under the circumstances, anyone who could make a contest would do. Neither Johnson, or the mythical Tom Fullarton hardly stir my loins, but unless we had a surprise new method of delivering the ball inside 50 anyone would be better than creating an even bigger void for van Rooyen to disappear in. Ben Brown was more useful on one leg last year than anyone has been so far this season. Never mind though, because after a half of miserable toil we had a big secret weapon in attack - the guy who played one of the pound-for-pound worst seasons as a key forward in the modern era. To his credit, Petty did make a difference for a few minutes. Until the surprise element wore off and our attack screeched to a stop again.

Watching Goodwin unconvincingly try to put on a brave face at the press conference would make me sad, but "What were you trying to achieve here?" would be a reasonable question. I don't know if any particular key forward could have rescued us, but this was a long, sad, demise from the Mad Minute to two goals in a half. At one in an incredibly tedious first half, our best delivery into attack was a shank off the side of the boot. How did anyone who is paid to think about this stuff think any of this was a good idea?

If there's any good news, it's that we probably won't be invited back to Adelaide Oval next year. The midday Barossa Valley spot will probably draw more interest from our fans than any other fixture, but any more 'entertainment' like this and they'll fixture us on an oil rig against thin air. Might kick a decent score. Might all fall over the side after a minute.

It's hard to remember what happened without prompting. I just remember getting the ball forward occasionally, but never looking even remotely threatening. We were getting the ball out of the middle a lot, and fat lot of good that did us. Credit to Gawn for taking over at the bounces and trying to do it all himself, but christ on a bike we make things look difficult. 

It's nonsensical that our highest scoring and most fluent performance of the year was on a soaking wet ground with five first gamers, and really should have ended with a win. After this I'm not sure we'd beat Richmond, West Coast or Mordialloc. Obviously (!!!) we're going to win a game somewhere, but how much slurry needs to go under the bridge first? By the time May was hobbling off looking like he'd just burst his foot things were almost becoming laughable.

Might have guessed how this was going when we had a bunch of inside 50s at the start, conceded the first goal, then Pickett booted a close range snap that he'd have kicked with his eyes closed in the past OOF. He was good again, but somebody has to rip out a genuinely match-winning performance eventually. There are little moments and five minutes bursts, but nothing sustainable. Not to harp on the obvious, but it would also help if we scored more than 57. This is a score you might win with once in a while, but not the way we're going. Pickett did get one, and that was it for the quarter. Then they generously flattened Langdon after a mark at the start of the second quarter and maybe things could only get better? Except for the bit about not getting another goal until after half time. 

So that's one goal we 100% guaranteed by our own actions in a half. Which is nice. This is a credit to a defence that was Lever-less, without May for several minutes, and on red alert for the ball coming back towards them about 11 seconds after they disposed of it. Also thanks to Essendon for only having slightly more of a forward line than us. 

I was about to drink turpentine when the Petty into attack move was revealed just before the start of the third quarter, and thought about upgrading to quaffing nuclear waste when Essendon goalled a minute after the restart. To his credit, Petty did use the surprise element for a mark/goal, which was rare enough for us that it should be highlighted. Just when you thought it might be his second coming as a forward, he didn't go near another goal. I bet it will still be enough to tempt them to play him there for the rest of the year and he'll kick another 5.8.

But it was the start of our best period of the game, which isn't saying much but it momentarily injected some excitement into this dreary slopfest. The giant comedy hook was called on for Henderson, who had narrowly fallen short of capturing the coveted record for negative metres gained, with -21 from just four disposals. This stat is as flimsy as hitouts and inside 50s combined but I'm always up for a record breaking performance.

We don't know the exact MFC high mark, but this article says Jack Watts once turned 27 disposals into -34 metres. That gives original recipe Jack line honours, but Henderson wins on handicap for losing more ground per disposal. It doesn't matter which way they go as long as we win, and that's the big difference between this game and Round 18, 2010. I was so angered by the commentary of Dwayne Russell and Tony Shaw that this momentous occasion bypassed me, but he did get an apology in the votes despite describing a couple of his handballs as "pure bollocks". 

Watts is reported to have had a flying shot on goal at one point, so that must count as a few positive metres but you do get the feeling they're making some of this shit up. Surely actual industry professionals don't take this figure seriously. Definitely not us, we're flat out taking scoring seriously. But it does offer the chance for a bit of pissfarting around, so I challenge random MFC players to go for -50 by the end of the year. Let's collect some world records that don't involve the biggest losses in VFL/AFL history.

It started getting a little bit interesting when Fritsch kicked a nice snap from the boundary line. After becoming a father during the week he did the classic baby rocking celebration, much to the disgust of people who think out of form footy players should be attacked by wild dogs. I was just happy that he kicked any goal, and there was another just around the corner via our second 50/goal for post-mark clattering. My pulse rate nearly got above 12 when Melksham pulled down a big mark and set up Pickett to cut the lead to 10. 

At least he held it, unlike the Essendon player who will probably get nominated for Mark of the Week despite never even remotely controlling the ball before it burst free on hitting the ground. We replied to their settler, but just in case you thought there was an over correction after Adelaide sooked up last week, we conceded a goal when May had the ball punched from his hands mid-mark. If it was up to me I'd set such a ruthlessly high bar that barely anything questionable would be paid.

That left us within range, but still highly unlikely to win. As if we had consecutive good quarters in us. If Rivers converted his hopeful ping at the start we might have scared them into getting the wobbles, but alas no, and we were soon conceding at the other end. God knows who Jye Menzie is, but he's certainly on the Kingsley Klub shortlist after this. 

The official Petracca 'Fresh Start Doomsday Clock' ticked a little closer to midnight when he was run down storming an open goal and did a kick that looked like the one which finally convinced him to leave the game on King's Birthday.

You can't deny there was some improvement from last week. For instance, against Geelong we were on six goals halfway through the last quarter and didn't get another one. This time we risked excitement by kicking an eighth but it was all for nothing. I was determined to stick it out until the final siren, then Essendon kicked an exclamation mark goal with 17 seconds left and I didn't have the energy to wait through another centre bounce - including the inevitable repeat from the umpires who wouldn't just give up and throw the bloody thing in the air - and got on with my life. Just a reminder that we play 18 more games this season.

2025 Allen Jakovich Medal
5 - Ed Langdon
4 - Kysaiah Pickett
3 - Jake Bowey
2 - Max Gawn
1 - Jake Melksham

Apologies - only because they were in the general melee for the last spots - to McDonald and Petracca

Leaderboard
It feels like a year where something really weird could happen with this award, but chances are that surprise candidates like Bowey and Lindsay won't hold out for the full season. Hopefully they do, or a shock new contender emerges, because statistical wankery is one of the few appealing things left for this season.

9 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Clayton Oliver
8 - Jake Bowey (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
7 - Xavier Lindsay (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Christian Petracca
5 - Kade Chandler, Ed Langdon, Harvey Langford, Tom McDonald, Kysaiah Pickett
2 - Jake Lever, Christian Salem
1 - Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp, Tom Sparrow

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Fritsch from the boundary line just because the celebration will annoy the sort of people who deserve to be annoyed. Windsor in Round 1 still the clubhouse leader. 

Next Week
A winless Melbourne against Fremantle at the MCG. I've seen this before, but won't hold my breath for a miracle comeback if they're 50 points up at half time again. We'll be lucky to score 50, so the biggest intrigue of the week is whether we get more than the 19,423 nutters who turned up in 2008. With a long weekend, the death spiral on-field, and fans who are happy to find something else to do at the best of times I think we'll struggle. If the forecast rain happens they'll need to drag innocent people in off the street.

Even if we hadn't spontaneously combusted this year, it's odd that our first three home games are all against interstate teams. Now by the time the profitable games turn up we'll be unable to attend due to an unfortunate toaster/bathtub interface. That's what happens when you blow a chance to establish yourself at the top of the ladder and pick up a generation of fans on the way. Now that the MCG are penny-pinching tightwads I can't even be sad without having some wanker sitting three seats away.

It's hard to even fake pretending to know how selection works when the VFL pulled up after three weeks so a handful of semi-professionals could play a state game nobody cared about. It's already a Mickey Mouse competition, would anyone really care if we just replaced the state squad with top-ups and carried on? So all I'm going off is the previous week, 

Assuming May's foot didn't expand to the size of a Sherrin overnight, I'll assume they're not going to do something mad like play Petty forward all game so Turner comes back. Any chance of giving old Disco a crash course in rucking during the week so van Rooyen doesn't have to do it? Or remove the stone of 'Poor Old' from Tom Fullarton and attach the stone of 'Playing In A Shambles'. Perhaps a bit extreme to do both, but it's not like we won't just hoof the ball in there like mad bastards anyway. 

Please do not subject me to the fantasy that Johnson is going to do anything as a key forward, maybe if he was playing for Adelaide and had all sorts of cover, but not in this team. And I'm yet to be convinced that Henderson can overcome playing in a piss poor shambles of a side. Might've walked into 10 other clubs and looked great, but not here. I'll welcome him back later, and when you look at our depth there won't be any other option soon, but we're not running the Make A Wish Foundation here, take your medicine like the rest of the fringe players.

I don't see the point of Sharp as the sub if his gimmick is running all day, but he doesn't really justify playing four full quarters at the moment. If they do the obvious and rotate Henderson out, he'll be the last man standing of the Round 1 debutantes to 'enjoy' the full 0-6 experience. I bet they pick Billings and Howes, then send Petty forward.

We will lose by a margin that will cause much anxiety and Pickett will probably try to switch benches halfway through.

IN: Brown, Turner
OUT: Henderson, Spargo (omit)
LUCKY: Sharp (remains sub), Sparrow, van Rooyen, Viney
UNLUCKY: Johnson, POTF

Final thoughts
Best to have something else to do in your life other than footy or you'll go coco bananas by June.