Operation Unthinkable

Balls to 'Opening Round' and 'Gather Round', thank god it's 'Melbourne Wins A Game Round' again. I thought this season could go either way, but was less ready for an an 0-6 start than JFK was for feedback from the Texas Schoolbook Depository. It's a bit sad that we're already back to celebrating individual wins like the end of World War II, but this was the settler everyone needed - coach, players, beleaguered receptionist, the poor bastard who has to moderate Facebook comments, and most importantly from our perspective, the fans.

After the mega false start of kicking a goal 16 seconds into Round 1, we soon descended into mayhem. I know some people are secretly (or not so secretly) grumpy that we didn't lose by 170 points and sack the coach, but you'd have to be a bit of a prick not to be happy for all involved here. Perhaps a little relieved that this season is confirmed better than 1919 (zero wins, but with plenty of combat-related excuses) and 1981 (one win by one point in failed 'coach as Messiah' scenario). No need to go over the top after one game where the opposition did their best to facilitate heartwarming moments, but warm up the hot tub because at this pace we could reach the giddy heights of 2015.

Of course we had to win eventually, because in the professional era even the worst teams eventually do (often against us) but it's nice to get one on the board before things started to look really drastic. But I'm deadset baffled that it came against a team who have taken care of us with the greatest of ease in recent years. And with our highest score of the year by half time, with a forward line that was reminiscent of the Troy Davis, Declan Keilty and Oscar McDonald eras. There was a bit of 'hanging on for dear life' by the last quarter, but we did, so remove thine fork from thy toaster for a few days.

It also came via some high risk selection decisions. After demanding wacky changes I couldn't complain that they nuked Fritsch and van Rooyen at the same time, but it felt a bit radical. Worked out in the end, but even though neither has been great this year it felt safer to chuck/rotate them out one at a time and retain some continuity to what should eventually be our first choice forward line again. Instead, we had Turner going in and out like [insert crude metaphor], and Fullarton getting his chance after spending last weekend on the couch instead of immediately after kicking five in the VFL. So that leave us with a 

We were left a forward who used to be a ruckman and was a defender for about five minutes in pre-season, playing alongside a forward who used to be a defender and was probably expecting to be back in the VFL next week. Some opposition flange got retrospective grief on Twitter for declaring it the worst forward line of all time, but it wasn't even our least threatening one of the last decade.

I don't know if the result vindicates the way this was done, but wins with dropped players - zero, wins with Tom Fullarton - one, so that's all that matters for now. The underrated angle to Fullarton replacing van Rooyen is that he had to play second ruck, which is a flashback to when Gawn was hurt last year and we announced that the guy recruited as a backup ruck couldn't ruck well enough to replace him. Based on this I'd prefer him as a ruck than a forward. 

At the time he was publicly smeared, you'd have got long odds on Fullarton every playing for us. All it took was the arse entirely falling out of the joint. Usually this would win Long Term Storytelling of the week, but had the misfortune to come just after we offered the CEO job to Andrew Demetriou nearly 16 years after he swept our blatant tanking shenanigans under the rug.

In a year where he'd struggle to get credit for eradicating smallpox (probably after doing exactly the same research every week, even when it's obviously not working), the coach gets credit for the brass balls gamble of playing Petty forward after May was a late withdrawal. Not only didn't I think he'd make a difference in attack, but thought it would guarantee their forwards a field day against surviving tall defenders McDonald and Howes. Apparently, it was the first time in 75 wins that neither Lever or May was involved, dating back to 2019's classic Great Escape: Gold Coast. I already find it hard to believe we won 75 games in four and a half seasons.

I think about Harrison Petty's 2024 season more than the Roman Empire, especially how the selectors would rather go to the electric chair than drop him, and I bet JVR and Fritsch were thinking about that too when they got the chop. I was also grumbling about self-exclusion when he got nowhere near the first contest, before he contributed almost as many as the omittees in 10 combined games. Under the circumstances it was an even better performance than kicking six against Richmond, and even though I still refuse to believe it can work long-term he offered a better physical presence in attack than anyone else has this year.

Speaking of incidents involving both Fritsch and Petty, at peak midweek misery I was looking back at some recent joyful moments and found this...

Bayley Fritsch dribbles the winning goal from the boundary vs Geelong multi-call (AFL NATION/FIVEaa/ABC/MMM) #AFLDeesCats pic.twitter.com/hVVCIMKCen

— Lace out (@laceoutofficial) May 5, 2024

... where one of the most aesthetically pleasing Melbourne goals of recent times turned out to be a joint closing and opening ceremony for our brief run as a good side (Round 17, 2020 - Round 8, 2024) and the start of being piss boring/finally succumbing to constant off-field noise. Like our last official game against Freo, I thought the sound of barrels being scraped would be the only thing louder than everyone hanging shit on us for losing again. 

After a string of uninspiring losses with another seemingly on the way, and with an excuse to be anywhere else that you liked over a long weekend, getting 25,000 people there is almost more surprising than winning. It won't be enough for the wanker fans of too-big-to-fail clubs with 45,000 derelicts who can be relied on to have nothing better to do, but was one of our better home crowds against Freo. Plenty of people will rediscover their interest before Thursday night, but those who turned up here were rewarded with our first big upset win for years.

Ultimately, you don't want to be celebrating too many surprise wins because it implies that you're so shit that each is an early-shattering shock, but I'd have bet my knackers on being thrashed after our recent form against the Dockers so will very much take this in the right spirit.

Now that we've won I'm happy that they got away with risky changes and didn't just reach for the Big Book O'Selection cliches, featuring Billings in the starting side and Woewodin as sub for the 17th time. Before May's withdrawal I might have stretched my imagination to fantasise about winning a low-scoring snoozefest, but if you saw the result coming in this fashion you're either a visionary or massive liar.

While some discerning viewers chose to avoid this game like the plague, I haven't got the luxury of picking and choosing so have to turn up when available. And it's a good thing I did, because after being jibbed out of so many great live wins when we were good, it feels good to turn what felt like an obligation appearance into a surprise victory.

If this is your first time reading and you're expecting serious insight then turn around now, because after years of suspecting that I'm losing my mind it was confirmed in the first half here. In one of the all-time great moments of spectator-related dementia, I managed to miss Daniel Turner's entire contribution to the game and only realised he was supposed to be playing when checking the stats at half time. Fair enough if he'd had one handball, but as a contested mark enthusiast you'd think I'd have noticed him taking two in 46% of game time before concussion beat the selectors to eliminating him from the side. 

Part of it was not listening to the radio for once as I tried to put on an enjoyable day for my kid after having a last start nervous breakdown over seating policy at Docklands, but it's no excuse for blanking so badly and confirms living in a 'home' by 2030. So I've got that going for me. Best win a few more games now in the hope that I totally slip it while we're on top and get stuck thinking that's reality. Alternatively, up to 40 years of dark muttering under my breath about how footy peaked in the samea minute of Alex Neal-Bullen spewed on the Gabba. 

On the same Biden-esque level of decline, it took ages to realise Luke Jackson wasn't out there. I finally twigged when Gawn snatching the ball out of the air at centre bounces started to get ridiculous. We haven't had charity like that at the MCG since Adelaide formed a guard of honour for Jamar and Moloney to have about 18 centre clearances. I had fun watching it but there's no way other teams will let him get away with doing it this much. But even if the door is left wide open for the old five finger discount, you've still got to be good to take advantage. Even as Maximum rounds the home turn on his era of dominance, he still plays a massive role in keeping us afloat. I don't fancy his chance of launching any post-high thermonuclear bombs from 55 metres out these days, but good luck to whoever is expected to follow him as our first ruck.

I'd have been better informed about who was playing if I'd stayed home and watched the TV, but that's about where the advantages end. Apparently, Kelli Underwood suggested players were trying to top each other, which brings to mind the great St. Kilda fingering scandal of 2018.

Only the most brittle of males have an issue with female commentators, but all these years later surely it's time to give somebody else a go. If there was a commentator draft I'd still pick her in front of Brian Taylor for quality, and Dwayne Russell for slightly more natural sounding pre-planned gags.

There was no need for nervous adjustment of collar and swearing under the breath when Freo got the first, because I was expecting about 26 to follow. So you can imagine how surprised I was when we got the next two. 

Langdon was literally in everything early on, giving away the free for Freo's first, then setting up two the other way. There was an audible groan from the crowd when what looked like a horrible shank rolled inside 50, but they hadn't even gone to the peak of a disappointed 'awwwwwwwwwww' when it was revealed to be a genius pass to the advantage of Pickett to run onto. Obviously the fans would have preferred that he just madly roost it to 30 metres out and watch the opposition slingshot it down the other end in seconds.

Then, not long after I'd cursed Petty's first awkward effort at getting involved in a contest, he executed the perfect lead/mark combo with Langdon. It was like that perfect one against North that bounced off JVR like he was a trampoline. It'll take more evidence before I burn my PhD thesis on why he can't be a forward every week, but this was very good. I think - and this is in no way a walk back because I probably said the same thing at some time last year - that his problem is when made to travel hither and yon looking for the ball, which is not what you want while on the end of our quantity over quality forward entries.

We were moving the ball better than almost any other team this season, and the homebrand backline was holding together, but even after Rivers kicked a third and celebrated to the MCG like a respectable version of Maradona at the 1994 World Cup I still refused to contemplate that we were going to score enough to win. We were still no guarantee to kick six goals for the match by this point, but I was almost certain Freo was going to get going at some point and start raining goals. 

Then they got the next two in succession and I was ready to unravel a big 'Here We Go' tarp across one of the empty level fours. But we didn't just hold on until quarter time, the margin extended. And that's with Oliver having his worst game of the year and Petracca - other than one nicely taken goal - not hugely contributing. But if that's convinced you we can do without one or both next year, may I stress how important it is to keep Pickett. He hadn't even started kicking goals yet, but was already appearing like a holy apparition in various parts of the ground. We've had times when we needed two versions of players for different positions, but he is a one man show who can convincingly play any height appropriate role. I won't be angry if he goes, because as far as I'm concerned a flag buys you the right to do anything other than a Wayne Carey style lucky dip on a teammate's spouse, but it will be the footy equivalent of "you can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half".

Things were going so well that even when we let in the obligatory last minute goal, it was responded to seconds later. Jack Viney has done so little in the opening rounds that he was lucky not to enjoying a premiership reunion with Fritsch at Casey, but he was very good doing the old 'follow somebody around and pick up a shitload of possessions at the same time' routine that James Harmes briefly mastered in 2018. Stepping around defenders to kick crucial goals from 45 metres out was a bonus.

Then it got really silly in the second quarter. Some of it was lucky, like Chandler's kick to the square evading everyone and rolling through, and some was actual, real life, hot shit footy. See, for instance, the handball chain that opened the door for Petty to mark and give Pickett a close-range freebie. And fanging straight out of the middle for Pickett to get another one straight after. Christ on a bicycle this was more like it... and then we conceded another two in a row to bring a bit of realism to the occasion. Apparently for the first time since 1897 the secret to success when playing us is to change your name to 'Jye' or a variant thereof.

But never mind that shit, here comes Petty. He may only be a pawn in the game of life, but it started to get ridiculous late in the quarter. First he opened the door a Pickett screamer with a blatant but unpunished push, then booted his third off the ground and bloody hell, if we could get far enough in front as insurance against another spontaneous combustion in the last quarter this was suddenly looking like a potential win. Of course, it would be too easy to just smash away to a thumping victory. Instead we let our old pal Sizzle Jr, returning after a year out with a knee injury, become surely the first man ever to go goalless in his first 73 games, then kick at least one for three different clubs over the next 15. I was pleased with our efforts so far, and have zero ill will towards Oscar, but may still have thrown myself down the stairs if he'd piled on seven and single-handedly won the game. Not sure if he got another kick. What odds in 2018 that they'd play against each other seven years later with Senior in defence and Junior in attack?

All's well that ends well, but it never got better than Pickett storming an open goal for his fifth and taking time at the last minute to flash his opponent the peace sign. The usual bums will be upset about it (and I'm guilty of once thinking Stephen Coniglio was shhhing the crowd when he was actually doing an early version of the rizz face), but like Mr. Electricity Mac Andrew feuding with Adelaide and Richmond at the same time, the more of this stuff the merrier. The guy doing the bow and arrow is a bit rehearsed for my liking, but if it gives outrage fetishists the shits I'm in.

Genuinely unfunny people went straight to gags about Freo being his future employer and how it'll be awkward when he turns up next year, as if ANB didn't get immediately added to Adelaide's leadership group a few years after (accidentally) bouncing a Crows player's head off the turf like a basketball. Ironically, the bouncee was delisted at the end of last year so technically was booted out to make room for Neal-Bullen to join. Even Peter Caven spent an awkward year on the same list as Tony Lockett after Plugger had earlier cavened his face in. But he did get some closure by thumping the head off a Lockett effigy with a baseball bat. Under the circumstances, Generic Freo Defender probably won't wrap himself in plastic explosives outside the club offices if a trade is agreed. 

I'm just happy that it didn't cause Pickett to stuff up an easy chance. He was going at a much faster pace than other great open goal taunters, and a less skilled individual would be in danger of misjudging how much room he had and either running over the line before ball hit boot, or trying to pull up at the last minute and bash it through off his knee for a point. It's all good clean fun, but he'd have looked a bit of a tit if we'd lost the game from there. The only consolation for people who believe in football gods/are terminally boring, is that he didn't kick another. After our forward struggles I'm happy to bank five in three quarters.

By now, even with Pickett's wildcard antics livening up an otherwise off-off Broadway game, the free-scoring in the first half had been replaced by a bit of dour struggle. It was still much more exciting than most of what we'd done so far, but when we were on 71 at half time you knew it wasn't going to end in a score anywhere near 140. I still wasn't convinced we'd hold the Dockers and their allegedly good forward line out long enough, especially when they started to find more free players running through the middle. Again they got a late goal, again we responded. This time it was a bit more luck over skill, and you could hear the sound of whinging wafting across the continent, as if these kents haven't been generously looked after at home over the years.  

We got to the last change 19 points ahead, and that's less than half of what I'll trust under any circumstances, let alone after our low energy finishes this season. As far as I was concerned it was the moral equivalent of kicking into a three goal breeze. And bloody hell the quarter felt like it went forever. You can take the old 'five minute warning' and stuff it up your jumper, I nearly did a tendon checking how much time was left on the AFL app. 

In a classic "hope kills" scenario, I'd have been inconsolable if we'd blown the game I expected to lose by 10 goals from this position. It would still have pissed copiously on everything else we've done outside half the third quarter against GWS, but what's that going to do for you after six straight losses?

Gawn converting an early sitter would've helped, but he's got form so I didn't get excited when the free was paid. Of all the major anomalies from the end of 2021, him kicking that goal at the siren is up there with winning a flag by winning the most important games of the modern era by 157 points combined. After that miss we started to go into survival mode, but there was still time for a desperate lunge by Rivers to keep them out. Still, when the margin got down to six points I was ready for Surrender O'Clock.

Thanks then to Shai Bolton, who'd troubled us all day before turning into Shite Bolton at just the right time. Too far out for a kick to tie the game, he channelled his inner-Alyssa Bannan (non-AFLW readers, just go with this) by trying to run around the mark, but didn't make it all the way around and was panicked into kicking OOF. It still felt like the death blow was coming, even if we were bravely holding on. It was all a bit Round 1 for my liking, but glory be this time we got the second goal for the quarter and it proved decisive. No surprise it was set up by Gawn, and maybe if Langford hadn't been left sitting on his arse for 3/4 of the game that day he'd also have drilled a snap like a veteran to give us crucial breathing room late in the game that day as well?

There was still time for a horror collapse, but we kept attacking long enough to run the clock down. All it lacked was the killer blow so the crowd could blow their stack into orbit, but a series of misses kept the margin safely above the nightmare result line. It helped that we forced them to kick hopeful long bombs to Gawn instead of turning on Round 1 style runway lights to help them transition from one end to the other. They didn't really need to switch to Hail Mary mode when we'd been leaving free players all down the ground for the previous 15 minutes but this is probably what they've been told to do at this point of a game and didn't dare question it. Justin Longmuir looks like somebody who'd be really passive aggressive and sarcastic if you didn't follow instructions, so best to do as told, even if illogical.

The four post-Langford behinds meant that even when Freo got a consolation goal at the end, featuring the player handily wasting a shitload of time making sure he converted, they still needed two goals in a minute to win. Even we couldn't stuff that up, and are finally on the board. No idea what it means for the future, but as we like to say in these parts it's better than the alternative. 

I'm exceptionally happy for a coach that's been treated like a war criminal in some circles, but still feel like this season will end with a negotiated settlement at some point. Serious, non-loaded question - has any premiership coach ever successfully climbed out of a deeper hole than this? Kevin Sheedy missed finals two seasons in a row in the late 80s, but the second was with a 12-10 record so not exactly rock bottom. More recently, Clarkson and Simpson had varying degrees of success in trying to recapture the good times before conceding defeat. I'm open to any other contenders, but even if they don't exist just being known as a 'premiership coach' puts you ahead of about 99% of people to be in charge of an AFL team.   

At the low point of our midweek misery there was a suggestion of Luke Beveridge taking over, and my first thought after Brad Green, Nathan Jones, Mark Jamar and (soon) Steven Smith all getting involved recently my first thought was "christ, not another ex-player". Then I realised that other than Tom Scully there may not be anybody who would give less of a shit about once playing for us then Beveridge. For his part, Luke (never 'Bevo') has claimed he'll coach Footscray or nobody, so it's not worth thinking seriously about just yet. I don't know why anyone would even consider our job at the moment when multiple top players are a chance of bolting, but it would be a better balance of 'cracking the shits with players'/'has done this before' than when we tried a 100/0 split with Neeld. Also advances the odd post-2021 cultural exchange between us and the Bulldogs. 

Speaking of ex-players, whatever happened to Cameron Bruce as a coach? He was there for all the Hawthorn success, took the top job when they gubbed us in a pre-season game, and has never been talked about as a potential senior coach since. Maybe being wiped out in Carlton's post-Teague purge turned him off? Instead, he went to Brisbane and helped his old Reserves coach win a flag, so why stress yourself unnecessarily? 

Here's to more of the same as today that renders coach chat void but this makes this year seem even more like 2007. Narrow breakthrough win over an interstate team, followed closely by a disappointing loss to a pox Richmond side that makes everyone forget the temporary comeback and crack the shits again. If the result had gone the other way this bit might have been apt "Apparently the players want to keep Daniher. I've got a simple way to get around that - find some new players." But no need for that sort of thing this week, we may still be the worst team in Victoria, but let yourself enjoy winning for a bit before lying down in front of the Reality Bus. 

2025 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Kysaiah Pickett
3 - Jake Bowey
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Jack Viney

Apologies to Langdon, Langford and Rivers

Leaderboard
Last week I said this was the year something weird could happen with this medal, then forgot to add Langdon's votes to his total so lucky nobody's reading. There's still some unusual action happening down the leaderboard, but other than Bowey running second and holding a solid lead in the Seecamp, the top of the table is about what you'd expect. Just over 25% of the way through the season I'm almost ready to declare the Stynes, because I refuse to believe anybody else would score 15 votes and average 10 hitouts a week, even if Max retired on a high tomorrow.    

14 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
11 - Jake Bowey (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
9 - Clayton Oliver, Kysaiah Pickett
8 - Ed Langdon
7 - Xavier Lindsay (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Christian Petracca
5 - Kade Chandler, Harvey Langford, Tom McDonald
2 - Jake Lever, Harrison Petty, Christian Salem
1 - Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp, Tom Sparrow, Jack Viney

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
I liked the Viney one in the first quarter, and Pickett's attempt to bring a United Nations vibe to the AFL was as fun as you'll get from somebody running into an open goal, but I'm voting #1 Langford again for the sealer. Not technically spectacular but well taken at a perfect time. I haven't seen somebody kick this many quality goals early in their career since Sam Blease, and hopefully this version doesn't disappear off the face of the earth so quickly. Windsor in Round 1 remains your clubhouse leader.

Next Week
I wish Adem Yze all the best (especially in getting out of his contract to come back and coach us), but please feel free to delay Richmond's rebuild for another week. They've got one player named after Steely Dan, and another who may be playing in an ankle bracelet, but any automatic assumption of a win will not be entertained. Especially because they did the biggest one upping (or topping, if you prefer) since Peter Daicos kicked 13 hours after Jakovich got 11 by rolling the unbeaten Gold Coast a few hours after this. The Suns are the football version of "Get ready everybody, he's about to do something stupid", so it's a shame we got them the first few rounds before they traditionally go to pieces.  

Fritsch and JVR would've felt at home in a reserves side that got thrashed after kicking five goals in the first three quarters, but with Turner out we might have to pick some sort of forward. It won't be Jefferson, who had two kicks. More importantly than any of this, McVee survived so get him straight back in thanks. I think there's something to be said for Sharp, but after consecutive games as sub he may bank a first MFC win and play at the unique time of 11:05 Thursday morning in what looks like a Richmond home game at Casey. Is Punt Road double booked? Does Casey Fields have to be clear in the afternoon for a school athletics carnival? Gives you something to sneakily watch at work though.

Richmond's performance against the Suns makes the prospect of following this with a letdown seem less distressing, but considering where the teams are at I'd have expected us to win even if this result had gone as expected. I refuse to believe we'll get away with some of the loose-as-a-goose stuff that the Dockers allowed here, but am hopeful of two in a row (NB: But not in any way assuming it will happen).   

IN: May, McVee, van Rooyen
OUT: Howes, Sharp (omit), Turner (inj), Spargo (to sub)
LUCKY: Nil (but I'm still a bit suss on Salem)
UNLUCKY: Billings, Fritsch

Final thoughts
The season might not be salvageable, but it's nice to confirm we're not going to be the first side to ever go 0-23.