Brisbane runs afoul of an Irishman

There are plenty of things middle-aged men should avoid, and near the top of the list is pissbolting across a train station carpark and up a reasonably steep staircase to heroically leap onboard at the last minute because you've failed at timekeeping/failed to appreciate how packed the carpark would be due to free travel.

The result of this foolish attempt at acting young was a slips, trips, and falls near miss at the top step when my thigh nearly gave in, and once the elation of pulling off the big run subsided, 45 minutes of feeling like I was going to barf on the train. I bet this never happens to Harry Sharp.

It was not a pleasant feeling, and halfway through the trip I was sweating like Iggy Pop and ready to concede defeat. But, in the spirit of anybody vs Carlton 2026, I decided a last-ditch comeback was possible and carried on, with fellow commuters probably thinking I was a junkie suffering heavy gear withdrawal. The only way this Almost Amusing Personal Anecdote pays off is that if I'd pulled the pin like Melbourne at the end of a first half, I'd have cost myself the live view of a particularly memorable win. Not just holding on in a thriller or rumbling the 2x defending premiers, but most importantly, a return to winning thrillers after nine straight losses in games decided by less than 10 points. Probably a bit risky considering my fragile and elderly condition, but I'd have died happy.

Thanks to certain off-field changes, branding a game 'Craic In At The 'G' wasn't as risky as it might have been in the past. Same with having free entry for Irish and British passport holders, when in the past somebody would probably have turned up with an Ulster Volunteer Force flag and been kicked to death in the stands. Then, just when you thought partition-related entertainment would've been off the agenda, there was a half-time segment called 'Split The G'. Lucky the MCG doesn't have a branch of John Bull's Fish & Chips.

I didn't expect to win, because why would you after that slopfest last week, but at least there was something for those of us who moaned non-stop about a lack of innovation last year. Xavier Taylor debuted and looks like an excitingly angry player, Max Heath came in to draw level with Wayne Henwood for total MFC games played by somebody called 'Moose', while injury drama forced left-field manoeuvres like Fritsch on a wing and Langdon as the new Salem. As with any positional changes, let's see what happens when other teams are expecting it, but the Langdon one was very good. I thought it was his best game in ages.

If, like me, you thought we'd give a decent account of ourselves but lack the polish to rumble a proven good visiting Queensland team, Brisbane's first goal was right up your alley. We were going forward at a million miles an hour, looking for all the world like waltzing into the forward 50, when a Laurie/Langford handball/receive disaster jammed the brakes on, and ended up with Brisbane kicking the first. Langford took this early disappointment personally and went on to play a belter of a game. Almost as good as the one against Hawthorn last year, but this time with the bonus of contributing to a win.  

The Lang march (that's content specifically for the thousands of Chairman Mao fans who read) started when he kicked the reply. It started with the returning Jefferson taking a mark way down the ground, and came via Mihocek playing the role so badly missed in our forward line over the last couple of years by bringing the ball to ground in a marking contest. We still regularly punted the ball straight down Harris Andrews' gullet, but any interruptions to his Iron Dome intercepts were appreciated.

The crowd wasn't yet going off its collective tit for the post-goal Irish music and dancing, but even though it was played at 5x volume to the post-goal songs I didn't mind it as a one-off. At least this had a purpose, unlike [Player X's] favourite song being Slice Of Heaven. It worked for the occasion, but let's hope the club's key takeaway isn't "people love noisy entertainment, let's have more of it". 

Audience participation is not my go, so I was more excited by the reaction to the next goal, which started with the lesser of Pickett (L)'s goal assist passes, and ended with Sharp joyfully grabbing at the MFC jumper in 'FO Brisbane' fashion. If one of our exes did that, I'd complain about his lack of gratitude towards the team that gave him his chance in the AFL. But because he plays for us, and looks more like the singer of an 80s pop band every week, I'm into it. Brisbane's reaction was probably, "enjoy that, we've just won two flags". And rightly so.

The good times ended for a bit when Petty did one of those "look left, look right, kick it straight to an opposition player" defender cock-ups that always go down so badly. What will be forgotten, especially considering what happened later, is that he was really good between this moment and going down with surprise concussion late in the third quarter. But after a brief moment of "well, that's us done for the day" by cowards like me, there was life in the Sunday 3.15pm specialists yet. Just as I was internally defaming JVR for not getting to contests, he pulled down a big pack mark for his first.

Then Jefferson marked with further opportunities to put the wind up the Lions and... missed everything. He had a Petty-esque forward game, where all the good work was done up the ground rather than within scoring range. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you've got other forwards who can convert. Petty's 2025 campaign would have gone down a lot better if he'd been kicking into an attack that didn't consist of van Rooyen and thin air. This year, the literal void has been filled by Mihocek, who continues to make you ask how we expected to get away without an experienced key forward post-Ben Brown.

The ongoing downside to the new, improved, interesting Melbourne is that if we don't kick a goal or keep the ball at our end it's usually at the other a few seconds later, and after Jefferson missed the lot Brisbane got a late goal just to dampen down expectations a bit. This was all still very good, and it was happening without the usual aerial dominance of Gawn, who was more important at ground level for once, and couldn't do most of his usual centre bounce tricks and mid-air plucks against him previously from Essendon (who I had NFI was now with the Lions). 

The last time Gawn took zero marks in a win was 2018, when we beat Adelaide by 91 and Don Pyke went bonkers. I suppose we didn't need much getting out of jail against opposition in traffic cone mode. This was a completely different situation, where he was always in the right place and we were kicking it in his direction, but Brisbane had worked out that it was more sensible to spoil than try winning a marking contest. I suspect most coaches know that, they just don't have the players to pull it off, so it'll be back to Inspector Gadget-style arm extension and mark plucking before long. 

With the usual musical program suspended, I enjoyed the brief snippet of You Keep It All In by The Beautiful South at quarter time. God knows why an obscure (in this country anyway) 1989 song that includes the lyrics "When all I wanted to do was knife you in the heart" made it onto the MCG playlist, but it didn't last long before somebody realised it wasn't focused group approved and switched back to Highway To Hell. I hate the MCC for closing stands to save money, but I appreciated this and will be very much fan engaged if they keep playing bits of offbeat British songs from that period before going back to the usual tunes. Maybe it was a subliminal hint to our forwards to stop the ball escaping so easily?

Putting Heath in the ruck to start the second quarter was either a good start on developing somebody for the post-Gawn era, or a reaction to Andrews getting in the way of so many forward kicks. Like every other tricky move we've tried with our rucks since Luke Jackson legged it, this didn't work. The great Gawn was having enough trouble with the Brisbane rucks, so a fifth gamer couldn't be expected to do any better, and in the few minutes of this setup we barely got the ball forward to find out if Max would cause aerial nuisance. It wasn't a great debut, and from the opposite end of the ground I didn't realise he'd missed a chance at goal from the square, but we didn't get him in for short-term gain so let's have him break the Moose games record and see what happens. Also, if Sharp is the singer of an 80s band, I see Heath as the drummer.

After a busy first quarter, the dancers were given a break as we only kicked one goal. At the other end, the umpire missed van Rooyen being felt up by somebody with the sick name Zane Zakostelsky, only started paying attention when JVR counter grabbed him, guessed about the free kick, and sent the ball the other way for a goal. Otherwise, we were holding things together well before Brisbane adopted the Essendon plan of banging on three at the end of a half when we'd mentally gone for an early break. The last one was particularly egregious, involving a cross from the pocket to a ruckman standing on his own in the square.

I appreciated the way we were playing, but was preparing the old "you can't win games by kicking 8.8.56" whinge. Especially this year, when the higher scoring in opening rounds is holding up better than most seasons. Over a quarter of the way through (let's not think beyond the home and away season just yet) we're averaging 95 points a game. Which is nice. I don't want to check the average score against. We'll just put that down as the price of doing business in the 2026 AFL. Meanwhile, I don't hate the last touch disposal rule as much as I'd expected, but stopping the game for a few seconds at a time to do reviews is comical - all just because one team got dudded halfway through the last quarter of a game when there was still 10 minutes for them to win it properly. 

So, it looked like 'no Jake Melksham, no exciting wins against Brisbane', but just when you thought we'd carked it, the third quarter was an event. Seven goals, fans doing such vigorous jigging in the stands that it felt like they were about to collapse, and a reminder that after last week's shitshow there's still plenty to like about this team. It started with a fun free kick against, as Howes realised he was no chance of stopping his opponent marking so instead went for the most non-violent front on contact/arm choppage possible. I'd like to think this contributed to the shot from the free kick missing. 

Then, we went nuts on and off-field. By the time Steele put us back in front, the Irish jig was going right off. It helped to be kicking goals out the relative yin yang against a top team. The "where were you in '23" Mihocek tour continued with a lovely set shot, then an assist for the newly reforwarded Fritsch, whose play on from close range could have gone horribly wrong. We haven't seen this much fiddling around the AFL since (don't mention Lachie Neale's offseason - legal editor), Brisbane's trip to Las Vegas (well, that's a bit less specific). To encompass the full range of Irish cultural experiences, next year's dancing should be conducted under Fr. Noel Furlong rules:

Brisbane fans later had a teary about umpiring (as if their side won't come back to win a flag on the same ground in a few months), but a 50 to Fritsch for one of the goals was a masterclass in a player hoodwinking his way to success by making the most of contact. You'd set the seats on fire if we conceded a 50 in the same circumstances, but I'm not going to turn it down if they're offering.

We reached the last two minutes two goals up courtesy of Pickett (L) turning up to save us in defence, before the traditional weird Harrison Petty incident in a game against Brisbane. He marked on the last line of defence, shinned the ball straight to a Brisbane player, and before the guy sitting next to me (yes, it does happen voluntarily sometimes) had finished trying to drop him, the game was being stopped for Petty to depart with a mystery injury. 

I thought he must've been off-balance from the shanky kick and been hurt when landing, but then he walked off with trainers looking closer to chundering than me on the way to the game. On the replay he was rooted as soon as the ball came off the boot, and nobody has yet worked out where it came from. I bet Xavier Taylor didn't think his first game would involve looking after a teammate having a medical episode. 

Because the AFL and common sense are strangers, instead of taking the fastest route off the ground and down the race, he had to walk all the way to the bench, just to go back to about 20 metres from where he'd been standing in the first place. What about the Enemy At The Gates level long distance sniper job on Carlton at the end of this clip when they ask how good it was to see his teammates looking after him?

Speaking of concussions, by the time you read this Pickett might have been done for a bump that propelled a Brisbane player into Mihocek and caused concussion. After Western Australia nearly seceded when Melksham got away with the Buckets McGovern incident, so I bet they rub Pickett out to make a point. Then we'll lose the challenge because he'll be held liable for not using the 0.01 seconds available to consider that there was another player for the bumpee to rebound into.

Previous fourth quarter performances this year (let's just agree that Essendon didn't happen) suggested we'd give good value for our slender three quarter time lead, but after recent history of losing our mind at the end of close games I didn't fancy a thriller. Until we won, when it was confirmed retrospectively enjoyable. It didn't look good when our lead was wiped out within a minute, then we almost conceded again via a ludicrous series of turnovers which started with Windsor mistaking Gawn's "don't kick it to me" by kicking it to him, before Brisbane did their own horror turnover, which we reacted to by giving the ball straight back. Irish music off, circus music on. 

The farce level went up when their shot on goal fell short and was marked on the line for a quick play on and goal. Except it wasn't, because we had to wait for the review on whether he'd actually marked it. This was seriously cited by one Brisbane fan as an example of how badly they'd had it. What do they think is supposed to happen, you get to play on after what might not have been a mark and we'll just hold a retrospective video review? I'll take someone arguing this in the heat of the moment, but if you still think this a day later feel free to remove yourself from mainland Australia. It was a mark, and instead of kicking it from an angle in the pocket that hasn't troubled AFL players for years, Mr. X kicked backwards to somebody standing on his own... who missed the set shot. 

Their mood can't have been helped by us going the other way for Chandler to kick off the greatest five minutes of his career with some old school spelunking through traffic that ended in JVR discovering the best method for dealing with Harris Andrews' interceptions. Take a running start, jump high, stick knee into head and pull down a screamer. 

Then Chandler fever continued with him kicking the next two goals - one from a handy snap, and the other from a wonderful set shot. Even footy players who are just there for the money enjoy kicking goals, but he plays with an obvious actual enjoyment of the game that is very endearing and I'll miss if he does a free agency runner at the end of the year. He's now kicked three goals in a game eight times, and I put it to the experts - what's the record number of times a player's career best has been the same tally? I'll get you started with 18 - Fred Fanning (once).

The lead was now 15 points, but with more than enough time for a massive cock-up. We'd been threatening to give back goals out of the middle all day and finally did it after Chandler's second. Then JVR got on the end of a genius Pickett (L) squaring pass to restore a workable gap. More goal for goal action followed, including one where Langford was blocked when faced with a two-on-one in the square. I'll admit this was a bit soft but also completely unnecessary when Brisbane had the advantage.

This is where it all got a bit frightening. Would've been a nice time for a centre clearance, but instead Brisbane got a quick reply. We were still nine points in front so... oh Charlie Cameron's just cannoned out of the middle for Goal of the Year. That made it three points the difference with four minutes left and you can imagine what I was thinking when they lined up a set shot not long after. Go the full alleged Zac Butters about umpires all you want, but if this went through nobody would be compiling bullet point lists of alleged sinister decisions.

The last two minutes video is presented by Omo, and their services were nearly needed, because if we'd somehow conspired to lose from this spot I'd have metaphorically and possibly literally bled from every orifice. 

The highlight is obviously Gawn doing this, before Steele followed through (not in an Omo requiring sense) and pushed whichever Ashcroft over Max in the same way as when one kid crouches down and the other sends somebody plummeting over them. 

It would have been even better if we hadn't got the ball forward then all died en masse and left the Lions travelling in convoy towards goal. God bless Howes for interrupting a one-on-one marking contest in legal fashion this time, and Tholstrup for landing a clearing pass on Sparrow despite being flattened mid-kick. 

At this point I'd like to tell everyone who wants the five minute warning back to get stuffed. I don't need any more excitement in my life, and without access to the AFL app to make sure time was almost up I'd have gone to pieces. So when van Rooyen marked hard on the boundary, 50 metres out, with time almost expired I thought we were probably safe. Brisbane smartly didn't let him fake having a shot, then pass it after wasting 30 seconds. If he had to kick it towards goal, all we needed to do was make sure it didn't land right in the hands of you-know-who to launch a last-ditch attack. So guess exactly what happened.

With 26 seconds left, they could easily have paid a 50 against Mihocek for gratuitous hanging about and blocking of space post-mark. This would've taken Brisbane to the middle of the ground, and who knows what happens after that but it's not like they were robbed out of a kick from the square. I was expecting the ball to go straight up the middle and end in a goal. Only one of these things happened, but watching this video the phrase "Bayley Fritsch has gone behind the ball" would've scared the shit out of me after he was step-laddered at the end of the game we pledged to stop mentioning.

Fortunately there weren't another 18 seconds after the last ball-up, because the ball was heading towards Brisbane's goal and our players were sucking wind so hard the first five rows were in danger of dying from oxygen deprivation, but we held on and it was glorious. A joyous leap to my feet at the final siren was accompanied by the sort of headspin you usually only get after drinking three slabs, but nothing short of dropping dead could've ruined this occasion. Even some filthy animal vigorously dropping his guts on the train home wasn't enough to bring the mood down. This was further proof, as if needed, that my happy place is the MCG immediately after a Dees win. And may there be many more in our future.  

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Harvey Langford
4 - Kade Chandler
3 - Ed Langdon
2 - Daniel Turner
1 - Kysaiah Pickett

Apologies to Fritsch, Gawn, Lever, Mihocek, Petty (mid-disasters), Sparrow, Steele and van Rooyen

Leaderboard
Moose cometh, Max goeth, as the great man finally fails to poll in the 2026 game named after a ruckman. The good news for Gawn fanatics is that it only cost him one point in the three-man race for gold. After the brief Howes outright run at the top of the Seecamp standings, Turner arrives to grab a share of the lead, while there's still no sign of a breakthrough in the Rising Star. A reminder that Heath is eligible due to only playing four league games before joining us.

23 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
13 - Jack Steele
12 - Kysaiah Pickett
5 - Kade Chandler, Ed Langdon, Harvey Langford
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Tom Sparrow, Koltyn Tholstrup, Caleb Windsor
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, (JOINT LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Jake Melksham, Brody Mihocek, Daniel Turner (JOINT LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
1 - Jai Culley, Jake Lever, Harry Sharp

Next week
It's a winless Richmond in a state of disarray, so god help us all if there's another Gather Round-style fiasco. I like to think the Essendon result was an Adelaide Oval thing, now we've found the MCG spot, nothing can stop us. I'm not greedy, a nice, comfortable win by a free and fair margin will do just fine thanks.

The most pressing selection issue is the Petty replacement. If we were 1-5, I'd say go for the future and save Jed Adams from the one game club but I've got full season It's The Hope That Kills You Syndrome and want McDonald instead. I know he was average against Essendon and you've got to move on eventually etc... etc... but maybe teammates could help by not letting the ball go down there at lightning speed?

One press conference I'll always make time for is Cheery Steven King after a win. He flagged potential changes due the short break, but given Casey also played on Sunday I don't know that helps unless a) somebody got rested halfway through the reserves game, b) they parachute a player in from nowhere, c) we just assume that anyone who hasn't played a senior game yet is well rested due to the VFL taking a week off whenever it suits them. 

Based on not watching a second of the Casey game (mainly because the live streams on the AFL website still don't work on my phone), and the stats not showing time on ground, finding out if anybody was parked halfway through to the game to keep them fresh would require research that I'm not prepared to do. Pick pretty much whoever you want, but can we not tempt fate with mad selections just because the opposition lost to North by 75 points?

Other than Lindsay being 'managed' this week, and Johnson who was (I assume) the carryover emergency, there's not a lot of depth if people keep getting injured. Casey's AFL listed players were Adams, Cross, Henderson, Kentfield, Matthews, McSizzle, Mentha, Moniz-Wakefield and Onley + Berry and White, who are in development mode. Nobody's going to adequately replace Pickett (K) if he gets rubbed out, but based on the risky practice of deciding everything on the stats, it looks like Henderson was the most midfieldish of alternatives.

Otherwise, I'll assume Lindsay's management period is over and he's coming back. Which is bad news for Laurie, who I don't want to throw in and out of the side every week, but he's had two full AFL games this year for not much return so with apologies he gets chucked. Cross didn't seem to do much but he was unlucky to get injured on debut, so I could see him getting a go as well. We should stick with Heath for a couple of weeks, but I see Kentfield was the Casey ruckman (albeit in a team that got walloped in hitouts) and even if he doesn't need the big plastic mask by the time he gets a game, can he just wear it for novelty value anyway? 

In other news, the Trent Rivers welfare check storyline has been resolved. This week's injury report revealed he's got some sort of knee complaint. I might not be paying as close attention as earlier years, but that's the first I've heard of it. Best of British Irish luck to all involved. 

IN: Lindsay, McDonald
OUT: Laurie (omit), Petty (inj)
LUCKY: Heath, Jefferson (?)
UNLUCKY: Cross, Kentfield, Moniz-Wakefield

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
At one point it was the Mihocek set shot from a funky angle, but the Chandler one beat it for timing and context. Pickett (K) vs Carlton still leads overall.

Final thoughts
The odd fiasco will happen, but this team plays like kids who have transferred from a brutal military academy to a liberal 'do as you like' school. We'll find out which approach is better long term, but with the usual respect to our old coach bullshit we'd be anywhere near as interesting for fans and neutrals alike if they'd tried to carry on under the old method.