Once more with feeling - 2013 season preview

*Promotional consideration* - Buy the shirt quickly, because there's not many left and order to either cease, desist or both can't be far away. Never mind, they're all gone! And now, on with the show.



Does it feel a bit like the rock has rolled all the way back down the hill and we're about to start hauling it up there again? It certainly does to me, but if there's any upside to a scenario like that it means that everyone pushing together is better than the bloody thing getting halfway up then cannonballing out of control down the hill and killing everybody in its path a'la Round 18 2011 to Round 23 2012.

As much as analysing, then over analysing all the debacles that we've been through in that time (and indeed since the second quarter of Round 1, 2007) has become a national sport that we (not so subtly aided by bored journalists) have all set gold medal standards in it's time to stop and hit the reset button instead of spending the rest of our lives searching through the rubble for the black box recorder which will explain it all. We exploded on takeoff, investigatiors still can't work it out, move on.


Sure we'll look back on days like 186 with the same sort of horrified fondness that war veterans look back on the day half their unit stepped on landmines, and yes every time Jeremy Howe's Mark of the Year award winning hanger is shown we'll be reminded that we were losing by A LOT at the time and would go on to lose by A LOT MORE but this is now officially the past. It might wind up as an ESPN 30 for 30 documentary but the moment the Tankquiry verdict landed (not guilty!) the book was finally and officially closed on the Dean Bailey era.

As far as I'm concerned this is Mark Neeld's first season. He graciously held back on ordering the firing squad to show up and kill everyone when he first walked through the door - quite fairly deducing that what wasn't a bad team at times in 2011 could possibly be massaged towards similar, if not better, performances in 2012. They couldn't, and the long awaited spree of executions couldn't be held back any longer.

So, it's farewell to so many of the classic whipping boys and enigmas of our side and welcome to the 'recycled player' recruiting spree of the new millenium. Note that when we do it it's a "scattergun approach" and when Richmond do it it's "OMG, TIGERS 4 THA FLAG!" (Herald Sun 01/11/12), but that's because despite on most measurements actually being worse than us over the last decade they've managed to develop some exciting players to wheel in the Troy Chaplin's and Ricky Petterd's of the world next to as complimentary figures, whereas we've got a lot of good AFL players, who are sometimes not injured and might be very good one day.

In refusing to compare the two the journos do have a point, they may find a way to cock it up royally at some point in the future but right now they do have a better team to add experienced players to in a push for the finals. Whereas a few hundred metres up Brunton Avenue we're trying to cope with integrating a million draft picks from the last few years into a side which has just lost five of the nine on our list who have played more than a hundred games - and even of the ones remaining there are big questions over the top two. It's not "scattergun", it's a rescue mission on a failed football experiment.

So, with that in mind and the well documented disinterest in some of our players to do what was asked of them under successive coaching regimes I'm happy with what we've done. Ask me again in five years if swapping Jordan Gysberts for Cameron Pedersen was a good idea (watch out for initial impressions, remember how we thought we'd hosed Carlton on the original Gysberts deal?) or effectively trading ex-pick four Cale Morton for dodgy kneed veteran David Rodan and I'll give you a solid answer but if it means floppy haired fancy boys (including, regrettably, the SME and his Morrissey quiff) who couldn't give a rats get the boot and hardened professionals are introduced then I'm all for it. So Moloney has gone to Brisbane and is all of a sudden partying like it's 2011 again? Good for him, was he going to do it for us again? Not if last year was anything to go by, so best of luck but I'm not going to slash my wrists if he takes them into the finals. Maybe one day we'll get the karmic payback and use free agency to sign somebody who had no interest at their old club then fires up once they're set free.

My expectations are set back to rock bottom (though I picked us to finish 13th last year so I'm not sure how high they are), so forgive me for not taking up pitchfork and molotov cocktail if we're not all of a sudden contending for the top eight this year. With a little luck I can see how we could be hanging around on the edge of it come Round 8 but no doubt we're losing at least three in a row when we play Freo in Perth, Hawthorn and Collingwood going into the bye and then it's up and down for the rest of the year.

Nobody wants to go back to the start again after we've been slopping around in the undercard for years, but even though I'm sure if I went back and read last year's pre-season post I was probably saying the same things sometimes you've got to do an insurance job and rebuild. Last time we did it we got some shoddy builders in and the whole thing fell down again, and there's no guarantee it won't happen this time but at least this off-season we haven't (yet)...

• been scabbed on by a top draft pick
• had half the senior squad not bother to follow the assigned training program of a new regime
• had somebody do their knee
• had anybody die
• had anybody arrested
• signed a sponsor who turns out to be a shit bloke
• had an AFL employee accuse our coach of racism

... and christ knows what else we went through last year which I've pushed out of my memory. Sure there was that little matter of a 500k fine but that represented closure (and a not guilty verdict let's not forget) more than anything else. Other than that the worst we've had to contend with is Slamming Sam Blease doing his ankle (serves YOU right for voting him my favourite player) and Rohan Bail knocking himself out every two seconds. That's a win as far as I'm concerned.

Whether or not this carnival atmosphere (compared to last season anyway) will translate to Sunday 31 March and beyond is anybody's guess. It's been much of the same in the pre-season, brief flashes of good fortune followed by the lights going out for 20 minutes at a time. It cost us the first NAB Cup game, it almost cost us the Port Adelaide game and it certainly cost us the St Kilda and Gold Coast games. None of them were real matches, but for all the things you can ignore due to altered team lineups and pointless experimental rules you can't say we haven't been warned about this. It hurt us last year too and has to be fixed.

The Gold Coast game in particular has struck a chord with the self-harm community. I can understand some stress considering that once again it seems like we were flogged to death out of the midfield and that's what caused our issues but really, if it hadn't been Gold Coast and we hadn't all just assumed we were going to win then everyone would be saying "more of the same" and getting on with their life. We played half a reserves side against their full strength team so you've got every right to raise an eyebrow in concern but it's not got the point where the fact that Port have beaten West Coast and Sydney while we've lost to Gold Coast and beaten the Power reserves means that we're necessarily going down in Round 1. Gives them something pretty major to work on before then but having a proper 'best' 22 on the park will be a nice change to the bits and pieces lineups we've put out so far.

Putting the brakes on opposition sides when they get a run on starts with the midfield, which other than a few cameos here and there from hard working, industrial types like McKenzie and Magner has been a one man Nathan Jones supershow with Fiji's David Rodan as support. The defence has been ok so far, certainly to a standard where if we can avoided being flogged to death out of the midfield every five seconds they might be able to cope with the workload. 

Forwards have been promising in some ways. We do tend to fall apart at half-forward or centimetres inside 50 more often that not, but we've never once played with our proper preferred forward structure (whatever that is it involves Clark and Dawes, and so far they've been seen for a total of about five minutes between them) so let's see what happens when they're back and Hogan is regretfully condemned to a season playing on cow paddocks in the VFL. Unfortunately the first time we're going to see this lineup in action (assuming Clark is fit) is Round 1 in a game where we really, REALLY have to win to get the season off to a positive start. I'd have much preferred that we opened up against a good side to get another free practice match + honourable loss in, but really if we can't beat Port at the MCG then tear all this up and throw yourself out of a window.

Still worried about the ruck if Jamar goes down. Dreamboat Mitch can do it (again, if fit) but where does that leave the forward line? Do we end up bombing aimlessly in there hoping that Dawes and.. err.. Howe/Pedersen/Sellar/other can take marks and kick goals? Maybe Watts could be the reverse Rivers and go back to where he belongs? There's still a scarcity of crumb which fills me with dread if the ball hits the ground so somebody's going to have to grasp ball in hands and kick said ball at goal if we're going to register any sort of decent total score for the year.

Not to harp on the past again, but remember last year's 224.236.1580 was our second worst 22 game season EVER (only 1997 was worse) so while it's hardly likely to get worse it's going to need to get a lot better. Excluding 2011 for being a spaz year which made no sense we kicked 272.231.1863 in 2010 and were within touching distance of the finals with a month left so that's the target I want them to aim for - it's only 12.3 goals and 84 total points a game for god's sake. Even Port kicked 243 goals last year, and they won exactly 1.5 games more than us. I'm not even looking at comparisons for our defence across years and other teams, I don't care. Just score more points.


I've picked us to come 14th, which was five wins and a draw in 2012 but given that 13th was 10 wins then god knows how many games a 13th or 14th placed team is supposed to win in the 18th team competition era. I'd take six, be happy with eight, thrilled with ten and would become aroused by anything higher. Given that we play GWS and Gold Coast twice and this might be the last year that they're both no good (i.e banking another 1 and 2 pick before parking the AFL sponsored tank in the garage and going for it) they should (SHOULD) be bankers and god help us all if we go another season without being able to beat Victorian sides other than Richmond or Essendon (but one against each would get us six, so who am I to complain?).

I feel like we can do something this year to set us up for a run at the finals in 2014, but you have to feel some sort of optimism or what's the point of turning up for Round 1? Even if massive depression has set in by Round 2 (see, for instance, 2008) you're trapped by then. Either way I wouldn't get over attached to too many players on our list this year, because I can see another 10+ player turnover after this season via free agency, trading and snapping up delisted players just because they've played a few matches at decent clubs - and if Davey, Sylvia or both leave at the end of their contracts that's more 100+ game players who'll need to replaced from somewhere. Maybe we'll cover all of them in one go by signing Dustin Fletcher?

Blog Administration corner
I'll be away for the Round 10 game vs Hawthorn (Sunday 2 June) and Round 11 game against Collingwood (Monday 10 June) so guest reporters are required. I'll be confirming closer to the date, but if you want to add your name to this list let me know. You can do it however you like as long as you give the votes out in a reasonably sensible fashion. No need for thousands of words of primal scream therapy if you can't be arsed, just some obscure description of the game, the votes and a novelty headline for the record book.

Also a self indulgent reminder that you can support Demonwiki by 'taking an active interest' in the ads on Demonblog. All proceeds go towards hosting the Wiki and its over 6200 pages of MFC information both useful, ridiculously obscure and downright pointless.

Demonblog's favoured 22
(NB: Pay no attention to concepts like the wing and ruck/rovers because nobody else is.)

B: Garland, Frawley, Dunn
HB: Grimes, McDonald, Watts
C: McKenzie, Jones, Trengove
HF: Howe, Dawes, Davey
F: Byrnes, Clark, Sellar
R: Jamar, Viney, Rodan
Int: Toumpas, Nicholson, Blease, Sylvia

If the injured players don't come up make the following alterations. - Pedersen for Clark, Nicholson for Trengove and Magner onto the bench, Macdonald or Pedersen for Blease (which is not at all a straight swap but bad luck). As for the sub I couldn't care less and am refusing to involve myself in a shit rule.

Final betting markets
To save time if you're new to all this, explanations, rules and history of all the awards can be found here. The opening price for each player is in brackets if it's changed since the first draft markets of 20 February.

Allen Jakovich Medal

$2.00 - Nathan Jones ($2.50)
$7 - Jack Grimes ($6)
$10 - Jack Watts
$11 - Mitch Clark ($13), James Frawley
$15 - Jeremy Howe ($18), Colin Sylvia,
$18 - Jordie McKenzie, Jack Viney ($15)
$20 - Tom McDonald, Jack Trengove ($15)
$22 - David Rodan ($65), Jimmy Toumpas
$25 - Shannon Byrnes ($30), Chris Dawes ($22), Colin Garland
$27 - Daniel Nicholson ($35)
$30 - Mark Jamar ($35)
$35 - Aaron Davey, Lynden Dunn ($40), James Magner ($80)
$40 - Sam Blease ($30), Joel Macdonald
$50 - Cameron Pedersen ($40), James Sellar ($100), Luke Tapscott ($55)
$60 - James Strauss ($50), Neville Jetta ($80)
$70 - Rohan Bail ($50), Josh Tynan
$100 - Michael Evans,
$110 - Tom Gillies, Jake Spencer
$125 - Tom Couch, Max Gawn, Dean Terlich ($700)
$250 - Jack Fitzpatrick
$300 - Dominic Barry ($250), Matt Jones ($750), Dean Kent ($750)
$500 - Troy Davis, Rory Taggert ($700)
$1000 - Nathan Stark, Mitch Clisby

Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year
$2.80 - James Frawley ($2.50)
$3.50 - Jack Grimes ($4)
$8 - Tom McDonald
$10 - Jack Watts ($15)
$12 - Colin Garland
$20 - Lynden Dunn ($30)
$25 - Joel Macdonald ($20)
$30 - Tom Gillies, Luke Tapscott ($25)
$100 - Troy Davis, Cameron Pedersen ($80), Dean Terlich
$120 - James Sellar ($90)
$150 - ANY OTHER PLAYER
$1000 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER (none of the above receive any votes)

Jeff Hilton Rising Star Award
$5 - Jack Viney ($3)
$9 - Jimmy Toumpas ($8)
$20 - Dean Terlich ($50)
$50 - Dean Kent ($80), Matt Jones ($80)
$70 - Troy Davis
$80 - Dominic Barry ($40), Rory Taggert.
$100 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER
$125 - Mitch Clisby, Nathan Stark


Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year
$1.25 - Mark Jamar
$18 - Mitch Clark
$25 - Cameron Pedersen ($18), Jake Spencer ($30)
$35 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER
$45 - Max Gawn
$50 - Jack Fitzpatrick
$250 - Chris Dawes ($100)
$500 - ANY OTHER PLAYER

Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance
As you know Nathan Jones wrapped this up last week, but for the sake of the final leaderboard here are the votes from the Gold Coast game as unwittingly provided by Michael Whiting of afl.com.au.

5 - Jack Watts
4 - Jack Grimes
3 - Mark Jamar
2 - Dean Terlich
1 - James Sellar 

Final standings

15 - Nathan Jones (WINNER: 2013 Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance)
9 - Jack Watts
8 - James Magner
7 - James Sellar
5 - Shannon Byrnes, David Rodan
4 - Jack Grimes, Jordie McKenzie
3 - Aaron Davey, Jesse Hogan, Mark Jamar, Dean Terlich, Jimmy Toumpas
2 - Jack Grimes, Josh Tynan
1 - Troy Davis, Lynden Dunn, Jeremy Howe

MFC Power Rankings
Where I rank the standing of the players on our list using a secret formula more closely guarded than that of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Does not necessarily have to follow the order of the Jakovich Medal voting because I say it doesn't. Compare and contrast to the 2012 end of season rankings (last year's final rating in brackets).

1. Nathan Jones (1)
2. Jack Grimes (2)
3. Mitch Clark (3)
4. James Frawley (4)
5. Jack Trengove (9)
6. Jeremy Howe (11)
7. Jack Watts (14)
8. Tom McDonald (5)
9. Jordie McKenzie (6)
10. Colin Garland (7)
11. Jack Viney (NR)
12. Mark Jamar (12)
13. Chris Dawes (NR)
14. Shannon Byrnes (NR)
15. David Rodan (NR)
16. Colin Sylvia (10)
17. Sam Blease (15)
18. Jimmy Toumpas (NR)
19. Aaron Davey (23)
20. Daniel Nicholson (17)
21. Joel Macdonald (19)
22. Lynden Dunn (13)
23. James Sellar (20)
24. James Magner (24)
25. Rohan Bail (16)
26. Cameron Pedersen (NR)
27. Luke Tapscott (25)
28. Neville Jetta (29)
29. Jake Spencer (26)
30. James Strauss (22)
31. Max Gawn (28)
32. Josh Tynan (35)
33. Michael Evans (41)
34. Tom Gillies (NR)
35. Dean Terlich (NR)
36. Tom Couch (32)
37. Jack Fitzpatrick (31)
38. Dominic Barry (NR)
39. Dean Kent (NR)
40. Matt Jones (NR)
41. Troy Davis (38)
42. Rory Taggert (42)
43. Nathan Stark (NR)
44. Mitch Clisby (NR)

Projected final ladder (i.e Made up off the top of my head)


1. Collingwood
2. Hawthorn (but Hawthorn to win the flag, then start to come apart at the seams)
--------
3. West Coast
4. Adelaide
5. Sydney
--------
6. Fremantle
7. Geelong
8. Carlton
9. North Melbourne
10. Richmond
11. Brisbane (I've been moderately sucked in by NAB Cup Grand Final form)
--------
12. Essendon
13. St Kilda
--------
14. Melbourne (Pick five? Too soon?)
15. Footscray
16. Port Adelaide
17. Gold Coast
18 - Greater Western Sydney (more than happy to 'accidentally' pocket another #1 pick I'm sure)

Final thoughts
Isn't the world just a better place during footy season?

Welcome to the Demonblog Megastore

It's here at last. The "I saw Mark Jamar kick five goals" t-shirts and "MEESEN MAGIC" wizard capes were considered to be of far too obscure to justify printing - but now after years of alleged products we've got a real one for you and not only is it legitimate but it's also for a good cause.

See below for more information on how you can score a stylish, modern and frankly Soviet looking t-shirt designed by @somtum

Ebay is being an absolute tart and not letting me put multiple items on there without paying $50 or being a 'power seller' so we're going to have to do this the old country way. Email your name, delivery address, number of shirts and sizes required to demonblogger@gmail.com and we'll get back to you with details on how to make payment. You can buy under an assumed name if you like, but make sure that there's some way to connect your order to your payment.

Please note - the shirts are currently in production and are expected to be delivered around the 25th of March. You are pre-ordering for delivery ASAP after we receive them - the design on the shirt is exactly as shown below on the same coloured shirt as the display image.

------
As of 2.45pm Sunday 17 March all shirts in both medium and large are sold out. But feel free to email me and I'll put you on the waiting list in case somebody drops out.

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Catalogue item 1: Melbourne FC "Not Guilty World Tour" t-shirts

Price: $20 + $2 postage (free delivery within CBD)

Payment via PayPal only (unless it's being hand delivered within the CBD and then you can pay on delivery)

Do you have a hole in your heart as deep as well now that your football club's name is not being dragged through the mud by all and sundry? Are you pining for the glory days of the Tankquiry when it looked like "Melbourne will be harshly punished. Cameron Schwab and Chris Connolly will be finished at the club." (C. Wilson, The Age 03/11/12). Keen to celebrate that the AFL found the Melbourne Football Club not guilty of tanking (that's NOT guilty)? Then this is the limited edition item for you.

Just 50 of these shirts are being made, and all profits will go towards helping the MFC pay their share of the AFL's $500,000 "Not Guilty of Tanking Tax". If we sell all the shirts we'll be able to donate about $500 to the club to help cover some of the costs of the tax - that's 0.1% of the total fine.. err.. tax.

Buy one for yourself! Give one as a gift! Send one anonymously to Caro at The Age! A million uses, and all of them helping contribute to soothing your own personal guilt at being a little too happy when Jordan McMahon kicked 'that' goal even though the official record shows that Richmond won the game entirely through their own skill and there was no nefarious activities afoot at all apart from a few ill-advised gags cracked here and there.

P.S: This product, the person who is listing it and absolutely everything else about it is not connected to or endorsed by the Melbourne Football Club. But we do love them with all our hearts xoxoxoxox

P.P.S: This is real, and if I have to arrange Darren Kowal to be pictured handing over a giant cheque on our behalf to prove it I will do so.

Hotter Than Hell II: Endless Summer

It takes a special type of self-loathing insanity to say "yes, I would like to go to a remote, shade-free outer suburban park to watch a practice match in 34 degree heat AND pay $20 for the opportunity", so no wonder that with two of the great tragic outfits of modern times on offer there was a relatively large crowd on offer given the venue and the conditions. If only it had been a NAB Cup three-way with Richmond we'd have had all the great self-loathers in the same place at the same time with a free Leonard Cohen concert at half-time.

Going to Casey Fields is a ropey idea at the best of times, even VFL games usually end up with somebody tearing the front off their car in one of the many treacherous ditches and potholes in the 72 different parking lots across the complex. But what else are you going to do, catch the train? Even with the club being nice enough to put on a shuttle bus it would still involve catching a train to Cranbourne Station to get it.

The worst thing about the place - and let's be entirely clear with this, I'm happy that we had a game somewhere near the Melbourne metropolitan area and not in Broome so all whinging is relative - is that driving in usually doesn't leave too many mental scars. Every time you do it you think "that wasn't too bad, I'll be fine getting out" and two hours later, having foolishly stayed to the very end of a Casey vs Frankston slopfest you're stuck 50 cars deep, having to indulge in death defying manouevres to force your way into a line of traffic with people who are acting like they're escaping the Fall of Saigon.

So I saw nothing wrong with it taking five minutes to move 500m an hour before the first bounce (100m a minute would seem a luxury later on), and handing over $5 to be directed towards Carpark 8d next to the long jump pit where a man in an orange vest who had clearly lost the will to live in the conditions directed to me to go down a 'ramp' made out of grass and wedge myself up against a barbed wire fence with a large mound of earth behind it. How could anything go wrong under the circumstances? But we'll return to that later, apparently there was a football match on.

I can quite confidently use the term 'apparently', because even though I stood there for four quarters my mind was more preoccupied with either having conversations that had nothing to do with football (because who's concentrating on a NAB Cup dead rubber as if it means something?) or trying not to topple over from sunstroke due to the dire situation of not owning any shorts which would be acceptable to wear out of the house, even in Cranbourne East.

What I do remember, shortly before entering an altered state of consciousness, was that we were bloody good in the first quarter. Bloody, bloody good. St Kilda were rubbish, but that was partly of our making thanks to the sort of pressure and tackling that you see for one quarter once every month and wonder why they can't play like that all the time. It's never usually our first quarter, where we're more likely to kick one token goal after we're four goals down in tribute to our fallen leader Dean Bailey, so you could have been excused for becoming excited when we opened up a four goal lead featuring both a pisstake banana from Casey Fields specialist Shannon Byrnes AND our first NAB Cup 9pt gimmick goal since Emo Maric in 2011 (if you're into that kind of thing). Had Dwayne Russell been there he would have probably embarassed himself becoming over excited about it.

We were even winning clearances, mainly thanks to Rodan who is already spitting in the face of my conspiracy theory that he was going to play as sub every week due to his allegedly advancing age. It's worrying that in the games I've seen - which is not saying much - he's been the only person other than Jones capable of clearing the ball (maybe McKenzie for some good old fashioned country style hoof) out of the middle. Trengove is around somewhere, and just like ladies everywhere I'm prepared to wait for Jack Viney to come of age, but it's still nerve wracking thinking about what's going to happen if Jones hurts himself. How come when Moloney was good at this in 2010/2011 Jones lost the plot , and then when Jones came back to life last year Moloney moved himself to the scrapheap? Next thing Viney will erupt like Mt. Vesuvius and Jones will end up playing alongside Brad Miller at Heidelberg.

It's a mark of just how dire the situation has got that even when we were four goals up in the first quarter, admittedly kicking with some sort of a breeze, I was thinking "I wonder how we're going to stuff this up". It's got to the point where I can't even imagine us beating non-Victorian teams who aren't Richmond or Essendon now - which conveniently ignores the fact that we did just that against Collingwood at this time last year, and didn't that end well for us?

Admittedly the Saints couldn't have been any worse to start with, so the only way was up for them and hello, what's this it's your friend and mine the Melbourne FC Farcequarter. The official report says that the wind was still going strong in the second quarter, and while I'd dispute that standing down that end the guy who wrote it was being paid to watch and take notice so I'll believe him (though they don't always get it right if the Sellar 'exclusives' in this article are anything to go by). Either way, breeze or not we got the sort of performance that usually comes immediately at the start of a third term, with the opposition having the time of their lives in the middle of the ground, winning clearance after clearance, after clearance and going forward with what was once referred to as gay abandon while our poor defence stands there being butchered through no fault of their own.

Taking anything out of this game is nearly suicidal considering the weather, the not entirely serious team selections and the rules devised via the use of a blindfold and a dartboard but it would be nice to stop a team at two or three goals in a row once or twice instead of letting them kick seven. I'd love to tell you what happened during the quarter, but as my interest lies solely with what our players do there's not a great deal to say considering they barely touched it for just over 20 minutes. Jamar sure got a lot of hitouts but christ knows who they were going to, because whoever it was they weren't wearing red and blue.

The one St Kilda player I couldn't miss was Beau Wilkes, because yet again he decided that despite being unbelievably mediocre against 16 other sides in the competition he'd save up a dominant performance for the day he plays us. Apparently he's changed his name, and obviously that fooled us because surely having the shit kicked out of you by Beau Wilkes/Meister once can be considered unlucky and twice foolish, but three times is just rude. If he can keep his AFL career alive that long without playing us I'll see you at the MCG at 4.40pm on Saturday 22 June for the day he kicks 14 against us.

Byrnes was fairly good again without setting the world on fire, and Gillies looks solid down back (without the thousand yard stare of somebody who has been there for a few years) but I'm not sold on Pedersen yet. He did nowt in the ruck, dropped a couple of sitters via both kick and handball and missed his only shot on goal. If he's supposed to be replacing the SME I don't see it yet, but am prepared to give it time.

If he's not to be the ruckman/forward that we're all dreaming of (though he is clearly popular with the ladies, which should be good for memberships) for Round 1 then surely Sellar's surprise goalkicking exploits of the last fortnight have won him that gig. It might not last, and Port won't make the same mistake twice and let him run riot in R1 unless he's set to be their Beau Wilkes style random kryptonite player, but at the moment I'd rather Sellar up front and The Spencil to either of them in the ruck - and when did you think I'd ever say that? Credit too to Sellar for providing the only highlight of the second quarter when he mastered the elements in spectacular fashion by starting a shot for goal from 20m out in Williamstown and managing to have it come back on the breeze for a goal. Not only has he started kicking goals, he's also started controlling the weather.

We got back into it in the third quarter (i.e stemmed the bleeding) but the damage had already been done. Just like our last game against them we were great in one quarter, dire in another and average in the remainder. Yet again one quarter out of four had completely killed us as happened so many times last year. In a stat frighteningly similar to plenty of games last year we actually won the inside 50's (and won them well too, 44-38) but too often it was just hoof and hope stuff which either ended up straight into the hands of a defender or out in the pocket where it could do no harm. Just give me one day where we kick to a lead and it's not a complete accident where somebody just happens to be running forward when a shanked kick lands in their arms.

If we are going to bomb it long to the square every time a'la 2012 somebody's going to have to crumb. As much as Australia can unite in our hatred for Stephen Milne the stuff he and Milera were doing today almost gave me the horn. There was one moment where a kick was going through for a point, so Milera jumped and instead of trying some ridiculous overhead mark that he wasn't capable of in a million years he just batted it down to his teammate running past. Whoever it was managed to miss but it was magic. Down the other end (though it was actually down the same end) we had one crumbed goal snapped out of a pack by.. Sellar. Why is it always left to our talls? Last year Mitch Clark was our best crumber in the first half of the year before Blease turned up and now Sellar is having to do it. If we're not careful we'll have more matches like the second Brisbane game where we win the inside 50's and lose by ten goals.

As usual there were signs, but I'm sick of signs I want a big fuck off billboard. With Dawes and Clark back in there maybe we can get the forward structure required to not have to rely on crumb but at the moment it seems to me like we get it out of defence ok (with the odd massive cockup), and get it into the midfield but that's where it goes horribly wrong and we end up belting it inside 50 because there's nobody left on the half-forward line. Easy enough to say from here but fix the centre clearances and the half-forward line issue and we might actually be half decent.

There was a bit of life in us during the last quarter but we were already too far behind, and everyone who hadn't done a runner to beat the traffic was more interested in laughing at Kosi than anything going on in the other 99% of the field. Highlights included Riewoldt doing a grand captains gesture and slamming on the brakes so he could 'overtake him' and kick an easy confidence boosting goal, then using his new found confidence to run through Colin Garland after a mark in almost reportable fashion. It seemed that there was an even split amongst St Kilda fans of men who wanted to throttle him and woman who were being creepily overprotective of him. Long live the classic novelty players.

With the alleged crowd of 5000 (seemed pretty accurate) having thinned out noticably by the final siren, as the more sensible members of society fled to their cars to avoid being dragged into total Lord of the Flies style anarchy, I fooled myself into thinking that maybe - just maybe - a swift exit could be possible. After all they've clearly upgraded the parking since I was last there a year and a half ago, so how hard could it be?

Unfortunately the Casey Fields complex has been set out as if created by a five-year-old playing SimCity, with random shit dropped everywhere. A car park here, an athletics track there, another car park next to some tennis courts and a bunch of houses for 'working families' or people who are growing shitloads of covert dope (available in the Sim City: South East Suburbs expansion pack). It all adds up to an experience that must resemble what it was like to drive out of Waverley Park when there were 80,000 people there.

By the time I made it to my car it was clear that there was no way I was going to get out of there in under half an hour without driving like a tremendous arsehole so I just gave up and sat in my car looking at the mound of earth through the barbed wire fence, sweating like a German hooker and no closer to working out whether we're going to be average, ordinary, the same as last year or utterly 186. Maybe we're 'not a hot weather team' and the moment it gets chilly we'll come good, or maybe our 'controversial' (BUT OFFICIALLY NOT ILLEGAL) antics in 2009 mean we're forever condemned to the 14th to 18th circle of Dante's Inferno. Bring on the stuff that matters and we'll decide just how depressed we're going to be when we wake up on (somewhat appropriately) Monday April 1.

Generic umpire bashing segment
They were shit

Call 555-TOUMPAS


I didn't see him deliver any Gentlemania style handshakes today, but it's fair to say that whatever he did he did it with a broad grin. Civilisations will rise and fall waiting for him to take set shots on goal, but so far he appears to be very good at so who cares. It also gives us somebody with a ludicrous set shot style to replace Dunn, who is now marooned in the backline doing the torp kickouts gimmick which will be like the 'boot it to Jamar' tactic, huge for the first two months until everyone realises what we're up to and puts a stop to it.

Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance votes
Based on where I was standing and the condition I was in by the final quarter these votes could be the biggest farce in history. If you were there and you disagree there's every possible chance that you're right. Not much between any of the top ten really but the Demonblog computer has shot out the following.

5 - Nathan Jones
4 - James Magner
3 - David Rodan
2 - Dean Terlich
1 - James Sellar

Half-hearted apologies to Garland, Grimes, Hogan, Howe, Jamar and Nicholson

Leaderboard
Even adding live votes from Renmark courtesy of @lockhartbeth where Jones didn't play he's still opened an unassailable lead in this contest (assuming we only play one more practice game or late votes from the intra-club trickle in) and can clear a space on his mantlepiece for another Prymke Plate to go along with his two Jakovich Medals.

15 - Nathan Jones
8 - James Magner
6 - James Sellar
5 - Shannon Byrnes, David Rodan
4 - Jordie McKenzie, Jack Watts
3 - Aaron Davey, Jesse Hogan, Jimmy Toumpas
2 - Jack Grimes, Dean Terlich, Josh Tynan
1 - Troy Davis, Lynden Dunn, Jeremy Howe

Crowd Watch
My advice to opposition fans playing us this year is to pre-prepare your tanking gags or risk ending up like the guy behind us who just yelled out "where are your tanks?" despite that a) containing no discernable gag and b) not resembling a proper sentence (and god knows if anybody can judge what consistitutes a correct sentence it's somebody who went almost seven years without spell-checking a post). I'm sure in the hands of a skilled craftsman something comic could be said, but it's likely that we're going to be subject to more of the same from the sort of guy who yells "YOU ORANGE/YELLOW/GREEN MAGGOT" and then laughs at his own 'gag'.

In an otherwise carnival atmosphere where either people didn't care, had more fun abusing the umpires or were too busy concentrating on working out what was going on 150m away across the ground to bother sledging their fellow victims of the Casey Killing Fields our friend was also heard to yell in the general direction of some Melbourne fans (possibly us) "Where did you finish last year?", to which the obvious answer would have been "not in the top eight either". I'll take shit from fans of most clubs about being rubbish, even Port, but if you follow St Kilda, Footscray, Fremantle, GWS or Gold Coast then start winning flags or stick it because you're in the same leaky boat we are.

Meanwhile to prove that shit tatts are for everyone, not just footy players, this bird was seen standing next to the woman who had some sort of weird scarf/sign thing that you put your hands in as if it was a pair of oven gloves and then held up in the air.

 

I think it's a peacock, but it could be the same diseased chicken that Hawthorn based the logo on their jumper from. Either way whatever creature it's supposed to be this thing is either half complete and waiting for some colour or was NOT done under normal tattoo parlour conditions if you know what I mean.

Next Week
Given the choice I'd have played a top eight side, expected an honourable loss and hoped secretly that we had a win to set us up for Round 1. Instead we play Gold Coast in Southport and - publicly at least - either win and gain nothing or lose and look like dickheads. Having said that the coaches probably don't give a rats who we play and will just carry on with their plan regardless. That's why they're highly paid football professionals and I'm some plonker with a keyboard.

Either way Port are playing Sydney, so as well as the string of minor injuries and suspensions we all hope they suffer let's hope that the Swans utter disinterest in the pre-season (though they did just beat Gold Coast) lulls them into a false sense of security before 31/03 because if we lose to them the internet will explode and by Monday morning you won't be able to walk down any street in the city without one of our fans plummeting out of a window above you.

In other news it's good to see Moloney and Martin reaping the benefits of changing clubs by not only playing in a Grand Final (plastic competition notwithstanding) but also winning at Docklands. Let's hope nobody else gets any ideas at the end of the season.

Final Thoughts
The moment I got out of the car park my petrol gauge went up one notch and stayed like that all the way back to Demonblog Towers VIII. It's a secret, undocumented feature of the Toyota Yaris where your car thanks you for not smashing it into a barbed wire fence near Cranbourne.

Casual Friday

New season, and 'new Blogger' is not even 'new' any more, but it is still rubbish, so please forgive any random spaces or times where it has decided that I'd like to change font without direction.

Well, hello (officially) to season 2013 and isn't good to have footy back? In these trying times we need now, more than ever, a sport with its moral compass firmly pointed in the right direction.

It's been 176 days since we limped to the end of last season in such laughable fashion that Freo couldn't even encourage us to kick enough goals to 'win' them a home final - and it seems like it's taken about about ten times that. From the Tankquiry (not guilty thanks), to successfully managing to smuggle Viney through customs as a second round pick, delisting or trading every man and his dog, picking up two players thanks to some dubious GWS draft rules, bringing in players from quite literally all over the globe and 26 more editions of the Tankquiry, eventually leading to its conclusion (again, not guilty. Just though I'd mention that) I'm not sure we've ever had a busier off-season other than the merger year.

Frankly I've had trouble wrapping my head around it all. Where are Morton and Bennell to yell at? Why aren't we freeing Ricky Petterd anymore? And who else is terminally glum that the Stefan Martin Experience is now no longer with us? In their place we've gone out and got what must be one of the most diverse, and let's be entirely honest, bizarre recruiting classes since Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol.

Will it work? Well, at the risk of gouging a hole in our 2013 membership drive I'm unfortunately here to tell you that we're not going to win the premiership. This revelation may come as some sort of shock to you, so you might want to sit down for the next bit as well. The chances are we're not going to make the finals either. But that's not what they were all recruited for  - not this year anyway, but it would be a bonus (*hint*) - and as much as human nature says I want it now now now now now the proof will come in a couple of years. "Get stuffed with long term plans" I hear you say, and my heart says the same - but there's a reason they roped in well regarded senior players, invested in Jesse Hogan a year before he's eligible to play and didn't trade pick four for Trent Croad.

The main goal for 2013 is obviously to win as many games of football as possible, but given that not every team who finished above us is going to gift us games by playing as if under heavy sedation a'la Essendon we've got to resign ourselves to the fact that winning more games than we lose would be an outstanding achievement considering what happened last year. Lofty ambitions aside, the real goal should be to not get humiliated like we did against Sydney, and to start being a chance in more games during the last quarter instead of getting five goals behind and then plodding to the finish line content not to be thrashed. Me? Lofty goals can blow me, I'm still sticking with a strong 13th being as good as finishing 8th.

What a world we live in when 13th is considered 'not all that bad', but put down thy fork and step away from the toaster it's not all that bad. Brisbane finished 13th last year and won ten games - so a return to eight wins and some big bastard outdoor, side of a freeway sized billboard signs that we're pointing in the right direction will do me nicely.

So, this odyssey that will eventually lead to us winning a premiership in 2029 (write it down) began at your favourite ground and mine (*cough* *spit*) Docklands. A ground where, on the one night of the year when nobody has any idea who half the players on their own team are or who is actually playing, they decided on not putting any team or player information up on the scoreboard. Which was helpful to those of you who wanted to know anything about what was going on at the game you probably paid to get into to. Customer experience has never been a high priority at that place, as you can see whenever you're unlucky enough to have to buy a ticket from one of their surly counter staff.

Want to know who is actually playing? Tough luck! Who had been subbed off (was there a sub rule in action? They're all shit no matter which competition they're in) or god forbid who from game one wasn't playing in game two? Swivel! They did, however, offer an 'amusing' video of a seagull walking around which was worth the price of admission alone (if the price was $0.20) even if you had just spent a game and a half trying to work out who Dean Terlich was and if he was even playing because nobody could be arsed asking for a team sheet.

Stadium issues aside it was good to finally see the Citizens on Patrol in the red and blue to confirm that yes, we did actually sign all these people and it wasn't just an odd dream. Ok, proof before my eyes that we really did effectively trade Cale Morton for David Rodan (not saying it was a bad idea) was good, but I couldn't help feeling that I preferred this lukewarm three way concept a lot more when we were playing in Adelaide or the Gold Coast. I'd go to every game in Melbourne anyway just because I'm a tremendous loser, but these contests are such a tremendous toss that they really don't deserved to be held up as legitimate matches and played at real stadiums. Nobody wants their players to do a knee on a thinly veiled carpark in Morwell, but they're probably just as likely to do it on one in Docklands - and we can avoid having to sit through shit sandwich rules like last touch out of bounds frees and nine point goals, which haven't been interesting since Paul Wheatley. People in the country will love that sort of stuff as long as they can see a couple of semi-famous players doing it.

I'm all for practice matches, and if you're going to play them properly under the same rules you would for the regular season then I'm there at Princes Park with bells on it - but the moment the first ball rolls over the line causing umpires field and boundary to confer deeply as to whether or not it's a free kick the whole thing loses me. Just what we need in the game, more interpretations on grey areas for the umpires to make and for the crowd to go off their tits about. Super stuff. Incidentally Melbourne haven't won a premiership since the VFL re-introduced the boundary throw-in for all out of bounds, so maybe we should consider lobbying to bring it back?

It's nearly impossible to draw any sort of real conclusions out of these Wobbie's World games, but what I can tell you is that hard working, industrial, factory worker style players are still the order of the day. We absolutely have 'exciting' players (Toumpas, Viney, Hogan for starters) but we're sorely lacking exciting players. There's no doubt Jeremy Howe will stand on everybody's head again and earn 15 mark of the year nominations but in the grand scheme of things the greatest mark of all time is worth as much as a chest mark on the wing with nobody near you and does not win you games single handedly. But keep taking them anyway sir.

There's nothing wrong with a Soviet style emphasis on physical conditioning, hard work and ideological purity but one of these days we're either going to have to win something playing like this (and I'm prepared to give it time) or find somebody with a bit of electricity about them to stop everyone falling into a coma from boredom. Tell me seriously, how much you miss Liam Jurrah? Not the broken down 2012 edition with personal problems and injury woes out the yin yang, the one who made footy worthwhile in 2009 when we were very much trying to win games during the second half of the year but not quite managing it. The Liam Jurrah who came back from injury to kick another 20 goals the next year, then followed it up with 40 more in 2011 before falling off the face of the earth. Ok so he wasn't all that keen on defending, chasing or any of that popular modern footy stuff but he at least gave us something to get wide eyed about.

Davey used to be the same, but he's a shell of his former self now. After going from training the house up, to training it back down during the pre-season he just didn't look up to it. Sylvia is guaranteed to play one game this year that makes us all collectively coo over the possibility of him doing it every week before he doesn't, and we're probably good for one more magic Jack Watts moment of blind turning around nobody before he's converted permanently into a solid, dependable backman but other than that set yourself for another year of workmanlike performances. When the Richmond guy did the blind turn tonight I almost teared up at the memory of that Watts goal, and when Majak Daw pushed his opponent off and still managed to kick the goal despite three sets of fans collectively jizzing across the stadium I could almost have become depressed at the cruelty of it all if I hadn't invested (CLICHE) so heavily in Neeld.

Despite all my handwringing and Gen Y style demands for instant entertainment it is fair to say that in the end not only were the matches meaningless (which is the sort of thing you say when your side has played and lost two) but so is worrying about the fact that none of our players are green boot wearing, handstanding dickheads. They've started to weed out the fancy boys and are working hard to convert the rest into solid citizens, and that's all that matters in the end. In Neeld we trust.

As for the matches themselves, well the two blended in so much that it's hard to remember what happened in each one. This is not the kind of thing you want to see when you're committing the time to read this post (and I thank you for that) but I really couldn't give a stuff what happened as long as didn't go scoreless and nobody seriously injured themselves. Mission accomplished.

The inclusion of every man and his dog from other clubs aside there was a lot of 2012 Melbourne about it, the key difference being that both sides of our squad, new and old, seem to have spent the summer at the Scully's Sister Terracotta Tan Salon. I know it's summer but Jesus they were brown. Except Sam Blease.

I'd like to say that the various hues of brown were what put me off, but in all honesty my contribution to the evening was a total shambles from start to end. Having already forgotten how to watch football having not seen more than ten minutes since the Grand Final (other than the Fox Footy replays of the Essendon fourth quarter and the third in the Scully Carnival of Hate so many times I knew what happened before it happened), I found myself sitting on the dreaded first level after assuming that they wouldn't even bother evening the top level. As it turns out it was not only open but sparsely populated in a wonderful way by people who could actually see what was happening over the other side of the ground.

Without a radio I was already lost, distracted by the women behind me orgasmically shrieking the names of Melbourne players every time one of them got a kick (until one of the rookies got it and the stunned silence revealed that they had no idea who he was) and trying to field work phone calls for five minutes during the first half. By the time I was ready to watch the game it was already nearly halfway over. Like T20 cricket there was no flow to it, no chance for the game to go into a lull and then re-group and far from the non-stop festival of excitement that should create it was just dull. What the NAB Cup and T20 also have in common is that they both ultimately mean nothing in their sports and are just there for the benefit of the TV broadcaster. Next year I hope we're drawn to play in Singapore.

I did pay attention to enough of it to notice that our midfield was once again being carried on the shoulders of one Mr. N Jones - your reigning Allen Jakovich Medallist, who is looking more of a steal at $2.50 for this year's edition than ever - and to a lesser extent Jordie McKenzie who was offering A-grade grunt and tackle and D-grade disposal, but at least tries his heart out every time. We were flayed in the clearances, but that won't come as a surprise to anybody who has watched us play recently. More time into Toumpas and Viney plus the return of Trengove should help, and I thought Rodan and Byrnes were both good (though Byrnes dropped out of it after a while) but neither of them is a long term option. What we need right now is a one man wrecking crew who can drag his teammates up, and no pressure but I'm looking at you J. Viney (not to be confused with Jay Viney).

None of Jamar, Pedersen or Spencer were particuarly impressive in the ruck all night and it makes me wonder whether Clark will find himself in there more and more this year. Fair enough too if we can cover his absence up forward, because some of his work last year during brief stints was the best we'd seen since the hey day of Jeff White but somebody's still going to have to kick goals and tonight our most impressive forward was a kid who's not allowed to play for us all.

Ok so Howe kicked more goals (and, AND, converted two easy set shots in a row) but how much did you love Hogan? Two weeks after I made it and his entrance video already needs an update. What a crock that kids like that aren't allowed to play. I know that if he was then he'd have been in the draft with everyone else and we probably wouldn't have got him anyway but we're not talking about 15-year-old Tim Watson style debuts here, clubs can't just pluck children off the street, give them a number and send them off to be massacred in front of baying hordes. If they're so intent on introducing 57 varieties of the sub rule maybe they should bring another sub in strictly for a player aged 16 or 17 and let them play a quarter here or there throughout the year.

Sure it'll make team selection and working out what's going on in a match more complicated than ever, but that's what they want so let's go hog wild and get the kids involved - see also O'Meara at Gold Coast who would have walked into that team from Round 1 last year. What are we wasting them in Reserves games for? They're still playing footy with their allegedly brittle bones and fragile teenage mental states. They're also probably still cleaning up the ladies off the field as well, so treat them like adults and give the clubs some credit that they won't burn them out. Image if O'Meara had gone to Essendon, they'd have been able to pump him full of monkey glands but not play him in a league match. Allegedly.

You will note that I previously had no strong opinions on this topic until seeing Hogan in action. Roll on 2014. Forward line not much chop otherwise with the exception of Howe's two minute cameo. There's no way I'd write Dawes off on the basis of one Mickey Mouse game, and I'll allow for his injury, but I'm not entirely sure what he was doing before he got hurt. It's not like we kick to leading forwards anyway, so he's going to have to start taking overhead marks at some point or the relationship is going to end in tragedy. Unless, like Mitch Clark last year we assume he's going to be the world's most expensive decoy and then he turns out to be good.

The backline did what they always do, repel a bunch of attacks and make a couple of notable cock-ups that everyone remembers more than the good stuff. Ok, so Tom McDonald might have cost us a goal with a horrific botch, but don't blame me for it - you don't have to look too far back in the annals of history to find Melbourne players having momentary lapses of brain.

Despite it being a grim slog for the full 40+ minutes we did have our moments. They were moving the ball better out of defence and onto the wings, but that's where it broke down just as it did all last year. Half forward needs more Dreamboat Mitch and needs it soon. In the end we might have won it but for Dean Kent hesitating on handballing off for somebody to bomb a nine pointer. Knowing our luck he'd have handballed it and the siren would have gone either way, so at least he kicked the goal.

In the spirit of that Oscar Pistoriou/Valentine's Day joke that everyone was claiming as their own ten minutes after he shot his door in I don't suppose I can be the first to point out that we were actually morally victorious (this is not another Oscar gag) despite the NAB Cup'ified score with the nine point goal? Inspiring it was not, but this is the pre-season version of a team who twatted us by 54 points late last year, so it's something to be able to stay with them for the whole game isn't it? Yes, that's why Port Adelaide are suddenly red hot finals contenders for tonking St Kilda in 40 degree heat.

Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance votes

Match 1

5 - Nathan Jones
4 - Jordie McKenzie
3 - Jesse Hogan
2 - David Rodan
1 - Jeremy Howe

Having drawn the death slot, forced to play two games in a row, our chances of making the finals of this god-forsaken tournament were all but shot before the Richmond game even started. Do you really want to make the final anyway? I understand the euphoria over winning something at last when the Dees lifted the '87 night final, but that's because they still hadn't made the finals in 23 seasons. Could you really get excited about a pre-season final? No you couldn't, and the good news is that you won't have again - just like 1990 to 2012.

Having almost pinched the game against North we might have come out and played a few decent minutes against the Tigers before retreating into our shell, but even with a raft of new players (I guess, nobody bothered to TELL US THIS unless you were on Twitter and could get 3G reception with the network heaving at the seams under the weight of 12 people trying to use it) the Melbourne you know and love were back - and so was one of my favourite special moves. It's almost time for us to level up on the "Kick it on top of Joel Macdonald's head running across goal with three defenders on him" move. I might have a sick fascination with Joel Mac and be prepared to violently defend him most times, but am I missing something and is this actually his fault? It seems to happen all the time, and especially at Docklands. Is he calling for it inappropriately, is he too slow to get away form the defenders or are his teammates muppets? Whatever's causing it it's gives me the shits and caused my first foul mouthed outburst of the season much to the consternation of the granny sitting in front.

Another classic MFC move which you'll instantly recognise was only kicking one goal in what effectively amounted to a quarter, and even that was from a 50, as Jesse Hogan discovered what it's really like to play full forward at Melbourne and have nine out of 10 forward entries directed at the top of your outstretched fingertips or feet with two opposition players al over you, no other forwards within the same postcode and about as much chance of CRUMB as peace in the Middle East. There was something comforting, albeit rage inducing, about it all.

If Teen Idol Jimmy Toumpas hadn't already endeared himself to everyone with his winning smile, seeming lack of apprenhension at being drafted by us and by signing a contract extension sight unseen he certainly hit maximum cult figure status for me last night on two fronts. One was his cheery pre-match handshake with Chris Newman. While most players would be bumping each other and throwing in a few choice sledges from the Patrick McGinnity playbook, our Toump was indulging in an unprecedented spectacle of modern etiquette (GENTLEMANIA!) on the wing and I for one loved it.

Also propelling him to high level gimmick status was his goalkicking run-up. We've seen the stuttery, running on the spot technique before (Dunn used to do a version before we marooned him in defence to man the torpedoes for the rest of his natural life) but never done with such grace and elegance. The football world will fall in love with him and so will you.

The brief Toump led revival fizzled out soon enough and Richmond, who were taking it all much more seriously that we were - and lest we forget had already played a full game against the Indigenous All Stars - ran away with it. But there was still time for my undoubted highlight of the game - if not the night - when Frawley knocked himself out (NOT AT ALL A HIGHLIGHT) and Lynden Dunn ran over, reached past the trainers who were hauling a dazed Frawley off the ground and offered Chip a comforting... pat on the head. Which must have come as a comfort to the man who had just cannoned his scone directly into that of Jack Riewoldt.

This life threatening fopar spurred Dunn into action in the second match and he followed up by unleashing an uber-torp into the middle of the ground from a kick-in (because we still can't kick in and there was no better otion) and then getting into a fight with some Richmond player who had floppy Beethoven style hair (EDIT: Apparently it was Tyrone Vickery. Know the name, couldn't pick the guy out of a police lineup before last night).

Then the match was over and we were out of the damned tournament. What a crying shame. What do you mean we have to keep playing in it?

Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance votes
 
Match 2

5 - Nathan Jones
4 - Jack Watts
3 - Jimmy Toumpas
2 - Jack Grimes
1 - Lynden Dunn

Leaderboard

Good news for Shannon Byrnes, everyone says he was BOG in the intra-club game but nobody can produce a 4-3-2-1 so I'm giving him the votes but everyone else gets chuff all until those other four votes are filled.

10 - Nathan Jones
5 - Shannon Byrnes
4 - Jordie McKenzie, Jack Watts
3 - Jesse Hogan, Jimmy Toumpas
2 - Jack Grimes, David Rodan
1 - Lynden Dunn, Jeremy Howe

And, err, that's pretty much it. Luckily if you've been here before you know you've not come to hear about footy, you've come for the nutbags. If I'd known the top level was open before sitting down I'd probably have had 25 rows between myself and the next person, but crammed into the bottom level a few rows from the front was a solid introduction to 'the people' of the NAB Cup.

Crowd Watch
This lot really saved the night for me, otherwise I'd have been better off staying home with my $17 and what looked like a blessedly Dwayne free coverage (he wasn't doing the intro on the boundary line either, which is probably good for his own safety now that soccer fans have joined the rest of us in hating him after he said something or other stupid about them.

Best on ground was the Richmond guy two rows in front who celebrated every goal as if it were the sealer in a grand final, even doing some sort of air Gangnam lasoo move with his arms at one point and running out into the aisle to do a little dance. His enthusiasm is to be respected, I know Tiges fans go to an off-season summer camp every year which teaches them how to get their hopes up too much but if I were a Richmond fan and suddenly realised that since the last time I'd seen my club play in a final that the Melbourne Football Club (yes that one, the innocent lot, that's them) had played in six I'd be lying down in the middle of Punt Road.

For all the mockery of his dancing and attempts to start a Richmond *clap* *clap* *clap* on his own you had to give the guy some credit. He didn't appear to be 'special' (if you know what I mean) just overly happy at the footy, which means that he's obviously never had a Twitter account, read a club Facebook page or opened a footy forum before, because that's the sort of shit that will send you on the downward spiral to where you're sneaking out of training courses to press refresh in the hope that you'll get the news that nobody is father-son bidding on Jack Viney.

Not such a positive influence on society was the hateful fat man in front, who not only kept getting his tracksuit pants wedged on the seat and revealing the top of his arse crack but spent the entire second game turning around giving the evil eye to two kids who were yelling out the sort of random shit that kids to. Richmond suck etc.. etc.. There's no doubt that this sweaty behemoth would have just belted the kids if nobody had been looking. He then proceeded to eat multiple hot dogs and swear at a lot of umpiring decisions, interrupting only to hitch up his pants again every once in a while.

Finally just to top off the night, after leaving at half time of the Richmond/North game to avoid the 'crowd' I was befriended by a clearly mentally eccentric Hawthorn fan on Platform 11 of Southern Cross Station. As I walked past he said with legitimate sincerity "sorry about the Dees tonight mate", which was nice mainly because somebody thinking that a pair of pre-season slagheaps like that meaning anything compared to the list of disasters of the last few years was touching in its naivete. I thought I was off the hook when the train turned up, but he followed me and continued to engage in awkward conversation. "What about the tanking" he said, "what did you think of that?"
"What tanking?" I replied, pointing out that we had been convicted of no such thing (and indeed we hadn't) but that just confused him even more and he started talking about his beloved Hawks instead. Apparently they're good things this year, which is hardly an amazing prediction given that they almost won the whole thing last time.
Luckily I was only going from Southern Cross to Flinders Street to connect with another train, so I managed to politely lose him as he started engaging somebody else in talk about footy when they clearly hadn't been and had no idea what he was talking about. The people you meet when you're forced to mingle around public transport...

Next Week
It's been so long I had to look at an old report to see which segment came next. No chance MFC Facebook Comment of the Week is coming back at least until the regular season starts, so next cab of the rank is what we're doing next week and apparently that's playing Port Adelaide in Renmark,

Where in god's name is Renmark I heard you ask? Good question, and one that I would have no idea how to answer if it wasn't for the good people at Wikipedia. Apparently it's 254km east of Adelaide, the highway between Sydney and Adelaide runs through it and there's a population of 4339 - which in my book makes it the idea place to play these half baked training sessions matches. If last year is anything to go by they'll pack away the stupid rules now and start playing sensibly, but anything's possible - they've already flip-flopped on the issue of players suspended in the NAB Cup serving their penalty in it like Reeca Conca did last year, so anything could happen between now and next Sunday afternoon.

Given that a Round 1 win against them is of the utmost importance to our mental health and the stability of the internet I hope we keep it light and interesting but don't overplay the gameplan for the really important match. Yay if we win, and double yay if we don't leave with three shoulder injury victims like our last practice match in South Australia but in the grand scheme or things I couldn't give a toss as long as we're set up for Round 1. Give Hogan another go, but after that pack him away at Casey and let's concentrate on what we're going to do this year.

I felt like there were signs, but I always feel like there are signs.

Remembering the Tankquiry - A Day 8500 photo special

1897 - 2009
Tanking does not exist



2009 - August 2012
Tanking still does not exist, and that's been confirmed by the AFL



August 2012
Brock McLean lags on us



August 2012
The media circus begins



August 2012
The Tankquiry is launched



October 2012
No draft penalties for 2012. Jack Viney and all picks are safe.



November - December 2012
Intense questioning continues



January 2013
And keeps going...



February 2013
And we're all a bit sick of it now, just make a decision you bastards.



19 February 2013
At last, the criminal verdict is in! And it's not guilty!



19 February 2013
But so is the result of the civil trial, and it's not guilty (but still pay $500k)!



20 February 2013
But overall...



22 February 2013
Oh no, it's Tankquiry II - Electric Boogaloo

2013 Demonblog award betting markets - first draft

People deal with grief in a number of ways, and one of them is gamble heavily. So, when the grief of being a Melbourne fan becomes all too much for what else is there to do but to gamble heavily (on a completely fictional market). Before we begin I'd like to ask you to behave responsibly, because in line with recent AFL guidelines we'll be responsible for anything you do while reading this blog - and as no actual bets are being taken we don't even have the chance to fleece you out of your cash to pay any fines which might follow.

Anyway, enough of that. Everyone loves a betting market, so here have four. Who will add their name to the honour roll? Given that the votes will be handed out on a weekly basis by yours truly (other than Round 10/11 when I'll be out of town - book yourself in as a guest reporter now) you might want to consult the previous year's votes to work out who I'm unconsciously biased towards before making any outrageous side bets with friends, family or workmates.


First draft starting prices are below. Update based on NAB Cup/practice match form/shattering knee injury disqualifications in the pre-season preview shortly before Round 1 - unless the entire competition has been suspended by then or we've gone bust courtesy of mystery fines.

Remember, bet responsibly. If you have problems call Gambler's Helpline. As usual these markets are purely for entertainment purposes and we're not actually taking any bets unless it's in the Ormond Safeway carpark in the middle of the night and your money is transferred in a brown paper bag.


Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year
5-4-3-2-1 votes in every home and away and finals (very amusing) match. Final pre-season price in brackets.

2005 - Travis Johnstone
2006 - Brock McLean
2007 - Nathan Jones
2008 - Cameron Bruce
2009 - Aaron Davey ($8)
2010 - Brad Green ($4)
2011 - Brent Moloney ($9)
2012 - Nathan Jones [2] ($3.50)

2013 market
After his dominant, record-shattering season and 27 vote victory in last year's award Nathan Jones goes in as one of the hottest favourites of all time as he attempts to go from being the first ever two time winner to the first three time champion.

However it's probably not that simple, he shouldn't be forced to carry the entire midfield on his back again this year and as such probably won't be as much of a standout. Either Grimes or Watts could rack up votes across the backline, Frawley will be solid as usual (though he only polled 11 votes last year) and once injury and form concerns for Clark, Trengove and Sylvia lift they could contend strongly.

With the option of playing most games if available Jack Viney could be the first man ever to win the award in his rookie season or could just poll solidly at the expense of his fellow midfielders and stuff it up for all of them for the first time 2009 when Aaron Davey took the medal home courtesy of half back flank shenanigans while apparently dodging Chris Connolly aiming a sniper rifle at his jatz crackers from the top of the Ponsford Stand.

So, in summary Jones is the raging hot favourite based on last year but there's about 10 different men who could win this. We're set for an exciting year of Jakovich medal calculations.

Value bets - Mark Jamar dropped to three votes in 2012, his lowest tally since 2008 and despite the promise of additional ruck time for Clark and Sellar he could surprise at $35 - as could the 2009 AJ Medallist Aaron Davey who has gone from being half dead on the training track to allegedly 'training the house down' (stop laughing) at some point during pre-season.

Buyer beware - Clark and Trengove are struggling to be fit for Round 1, so how long is it going to take for them to stamp their authority on the season and start racking up votes? Also what chance is there of Jack Grimes remaining un-seriously injured for a full two seasons in a row?

Consider this - 5-1 votes are awarded in every single match, no matter how badly we've played. So don't get fixated on players who poll well when we win, look for consistency instead.

Durability is also important, players can get away with winning the minor awards on a handful of appearances but the lowest tally this award has ever been won with was 29 (Cameron Bruce, 2008) so the victor will still have to play the equivalent of about six BOG's to be in the running unless there's a thrilling blanket finish.

Allen Jakovich Medal facts

• 2640 votes have been handed out between 69 (ooer) players by myself and various guest reporters since Round 1, 2005
• Brad Green is the all time leader on 182 votes, from Nathan Jones on 150 and James McDonald on 143
• If Colin Sylvia gets one vote he will become the only player to have polled in each season of the award. 
• Brent Moloney received five votes in the first ever AJM game (R1, 2005)
• Two players, Guy Rigoni and James Sellar, have one career vote. Plenty have none.

And now, the markets:

$2.50 - Nathan Jones
$6 - Jack Grimes
$10 - Jack Watts
$11 - James Frawley
$13 - Mitch Clark
$15 - Colin Sylvia, Jack Trengove, Jack Viney
$18 - Jeremy Howe, Jordie McKenzie
$20 - Tom McDonald
$22 - Chris Dawes, Jimmy Toumpas
$25 - Colin Garland
$30 - Sam Blease, Shannon Byrnes
$35 - Aaron Davey, Mark Jamar, Daniel Nicholson
$40 - Lynden Dunn, Joel Macdonald, Cameron Pedersen
$50 - Rohan Bail, James Strauss
$55 - Luke Tapscott
$65 - David Rodan
$70 - Josh Tynan
$80 - Neville Jetta, James Magner
$100 - Michael Evans, James Sellar
$110 - Tom Gillies, Jake Spencer
$125 - Tom Couch, Max Gawn
$250 - Domenic Barry, Jack Fitzpatrick
$500 - Troy Davis
$700 - Rory Taggert, Dean Terlich
$750 - Matt Jones, Dean Kent
$1000 - Nathan Stark, Mitch Clisby

Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year
Highest vote getter for a defender. Running defenders who spend too much time in the midfield will be disqualified from receiving the award at the discretion of the committee.

2005 - Nathan Carroll and Ryan Ferguson (shared)
2006 - Jared Rivers
2007 - Paul Wheatley
2008 - Matthew Whelan
2009 - James Frawley ($22)
2010 - James Frawley [2] ($3.50)
2011 - James Frawley [3] ($4)
2012 - Jack Grimes ($7) 

2013 market
Despite Grimes starting at a better price for the Jakovich he's slightly behind Frawley because of concerns that he might be DQ'ed for too much midfield action, whereas unless we're going for another comedy forward line switch again next year there's no way Chip is going anywhere.


Others who run the chance of being played elsewhere too much and suffering a DQ from the Seecamp are Tapscott, Dunn, Pedersen, Watts and Sellar. Their prices have been adjusted to represent this, so please no hate mail from Cameron Pedersen fans.

McDonald outpolled Frawley last year, but we'll find out this year if The King of Sizzle can back it up. Garland could also be a surprise contender if he's played in position for the whole year.

Value bets - Fact: Joel Macdonald is underrated. Has never won more than 14 votes in a season, but if he can play 22 games he'll provide you with a decent run for your money. Tom Gillies could be a surprise packet, considering that nobody knows who he is.

Buyer beware - This is the worst category for DQ's, and while Watts could very well win this if he's down back taking grabs all year there's every chance he'll play six or seven games as a permanent forward and get the boot.

Consider this - Frawley, Garland, Macdonald and Tapscott all polled lower totals in 2012 than they did in 2011. Also consider the possibility that we might actually be good enough that the defence don't have to deal with 500 inside 50's every quarter, and that they might not rack up many votes amongst them.

$2.50 - James Frawley
$4 - Jack Grimes
$8 - Tom McDonald
$12 - Colin Garland
$15 - Jack Watts
$20 - Joel Macdonald
$25 - Luke Tapscott
$30 - Lynden Dunn, Tom Gillies
$50 - Cameron Pedersen
$90 - James Sellar
$100 - Troy Davis, Dean Terlich
$150 - ANY OTHER PLAYER
$1000 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER (none of the above receive any votes)

Jeff Hilton Rising Star Award
The highest scoring player in the Jakovich Medal count who has either played zero AFL games before the start of the season OR debuted in the final four games (not including byes) of the preceding season. Known as the Jeff Hilton Rookie of the Year 2005-2011

No 2012 players are eligible, with none having debuted in the final four matches of the 2012 premiership season.

2005 - No players eligible.
2006 - Matthew Bate
2007 - Michael Newton
2008 - Cale Morton
2009 - Jack Grimes ($4 fav)
2010 - Tom Scully ($5) [AWARD REVOKED SEPTEMBER 2011]
2011 - Jeremy Howe ($30)
2012 - Tom McDonald ($8)

2013 market
I'd fall out of my seat if either of the top two don't win this. Unless nobody gets a votes a'la 2005 it would be an enormous upset for either Viney or Toumpas to be beaten if they play more than half a dozen games each.

Value bets - Terlich is apparently (here we go again) training the house down, and they didn't recruit all these 20 somethings as a favour to the Casey Scorpions. Could surprise at $50's but will do well to beat either of the big guns.

Buyer beware - There's plenty of buzz on Toumpas, but unless there's a disaster Viney will play more matches. The Teen Idol might play Round 1, but there's no guarantee of it - unlike Son of Todd who will almost have to be dead or in prison to miss out. The Toump could also find himself relegated to the dreaded red/green vest as we try to ease him through his first year.

Consider this - If none of them get a vote nobody gets the award and everyone does their dough.


$3 - Jack Viney
$8 - Jimmy Toumpas
$40 - Domenic Barry
$50 - Dean Terlich
$70 - Troy Davis
$80 - Dean Kent, Matt Jones, Rory Taggert.
$100 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER
$125 - Mitch Clisby, Nathan Stark


Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year
Highest scoring player in the overall count who has played primarily as a ruckman during the year. Ruckmen who spend time in the forward or backline will still be eligible at the discretion of the committee. Formerly the Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal between 2008 and 2010. 2005 to 2007 medals were awarded retrospectively for top scoring ruckman in the overall count.

2005 - Jeff White
2006 - Jeff White (2)
2007 - Jeff White (3)
2008 - Paul Johnson
2009 - Mark Jamar ($3)
2010 - Mark Jamar (2) ($1.50 fav)
2011 - Stefan Martin ($30)
2012 - Stefan Martin (2) ($9)

2013 market
Clark and Pedersen could poll well in the overall market but not be eligible for this one, and Fitzpatrick could also be DQ'ed for excessive forward line appearances so there's really only one way this is going.

Value bets - The Spencil actually looked half decent late in 2012, and if he is still regularly required with Pedersen/Clark as alternatives he could snaffle a couple of votes and bring the house down by winning a low scoring contest.

Buyer beware - Jamar should win this in a canter, but there's every possible chance that if he doesn't get one vote then nobody else who is eligible will score one either.

Consider this - I miss the Stefan Martin Experience already.


$1.25 - Mark Jamar
$18 - Mitch Clark, Cameron Pedersen
$30 - Jake Spencer
$35 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER
$45 - Max Gawn
$50 - Jack Fitzpatrick
$100 - Chris Dawes
$500 - ANY OTHER PLAYER

Other markets

$5000 - That new Blogger will stop putting random line breaks in all my posts. If anybody's going to break up paragraphs in an illogical fashion it will be me, and it won't be deliberate. 

Demonbracket 2013

Ladies, gentlemen and MFC sympathisers everywhere. Don't do yourself in trying to work out what's going on with the Tankquiry or debating with some forum goose about whether or not a certain player is actually 'training the house down'. Instead it's time to take up your take your annual invitation to cast a vote on your preference between two MFC players based on whatever criteria you deem most important. Haircut, kind face, model of car driven or - god forbid - football ability. You decide, we compile, somebody takes home a shiny trophy which may not actually exist.

The defending champion is James Frawley who defeated Nathan Jones 35-12 in last year's final. Who will be crowned as champion this year, and whose dramatic fall will be predicted by the voters as Brent Moloney's was in 2012?

If you weren't around last year you can familiarise yourself with what went on here. For everyone else these are the key things you need to know.

Voting

The two most popular ways to vote last year were via Twitter or the relevant BigFooty thread (who are, don't forget, once again Demonbracket's major sponsor without their knowledge). If you can't or won't do it via either of those methods you can leave a comment on this post, send me an email or pass a note in the middle of the class with your selections written on it.

All times shown are AEDST. Not getting caught out on that again, but as a nod to those of you in obscure timezones I've extended the voting hours a bit for the days where there are more than round.

The draw

The leadership group are automatically seeded, this year in order of matches played after the co-captains and vice-captain. The tie-breaker for players with zero games was total AFL experience.


1. Jack Grimes
2. Jack Trengove
3. Nathan Jones
4. James Frawley
5. Colin Garland
6. Jordie McKenzie
7. Mitch Clark
8. Shannon Byrnes

The eight seeds and the next 12 most experienced MFC players go straight to the first round, and the other 12 play off in randomly drawn preliminary round matches.

And now the main event...

Preliminary Round


7am to 2pm - Monday 4 February
Matt Jones d. Troy Davis 27-19
Jimmy Toumpas d. Josh Tynan 44-2
Dean Kent d. Tom Couch 32-14

2pm to 7pm - Monday 4 February
Cameron Pedersen d. Dominic Barry 20-14
James Magner d. Dean Terlich 23-11
James Strauss d. Jack Fitzpatrick 24-10

7am to 2pm - Tuesday 5 February
Chris Dawes d. Rory Taggert 40-8
David Rodan d. James Sellar 31-17
Max Gawn d. Daniel Nicholson 26-22

2pm to 7pm - Tuesday 5 February
Tom Gillies d. Nathan Stark 28-10
Michael Evans d. Mitch Clisby 30-8
Jack Viney d. Jake Spencer 31-7

Round 1

Wednesday 6 February
1. Jack Grimes d. Mark Jamar 41-4
Jeremy Howe d. Lynden Dunn 40-5
Tom McDonald d. Matt Jones 44-1
Jimmy Toumpas d. 8. Shannon Byrnes 37-8

Thursday 7 February
6. Jordie McKenzie d. Dean Kent 61-4
Cameron Pedersen d. Neville Jetta 33-32
Jack Watts d. Aaron Davey 61-4
3. Nathan Jones d. Colin Sylvia 45-20

Friday 8 February
4. James Frawley d. James Magner 65-2
Sam Blease d. James Strauss 59-8
Luke Tapscott d. Chris Dawes 34-33
5. Colin Garland d. David Rodan 57-10

Monday 11 February
7. Mitch Clark d. Max Gawn 60-3
Joel Macdonald d. Tom Gillies 42-21
Rohan Bail d. Michael Evans 47-16
2. Jack Trengove d. Jack Viney 35-27

Round 2

Tuesday 12 February
1. Jack Grimes d. Jeremy Howe 42-23
Tom McDonald d. Jimmy Toumpas 54-11
6. Jordie McKenzie d. Cameron Pedersen 56-9
3. Nathan Jones d. Jack Watts 39-26

Wednesday 13 February
4. James Frawley d. Sam Blease 45-18
5. Colin Garland d. Luke Tapscott 37-26
7. Mitch Clark d. Joel Macdonald 59-4
2. Jack Trengove d. Rohan Bail 60-3

Quarter Finals

Thursday 14 February
Tom McDonald d. 1. Jack Grimes 36-29
4. James Frawley d. 6. Jordie McKenzie 41-24

Friday 15 February
3. Nathan Jones d. 5. Colin Garland 52-10
7. Mitch Clark d. 2. Jack Trengove 37-24

Semi Finals
Monday 18 February
Tom McDonald d. 4. James Frawley 38-26


Tuesday 19 February
7. Mitch Clark d. 3. Nathan Jones 37-30

Rest day on Wednesday 20 February for first draft Demonblog award betting markets (pre-season preview to follow after NAB Cup)

Thursday 21 February

Final

Tom McDonald d. 7. Mitch Clark 56-41


Friday 22 February
Season starts, everyone panic.