Love Story

In a manly, boofy, bloky, heterosexual, groping the arse after a great goal way I heart Phil Read. It's true. I'm getting a #28 on my jumper next year - which should ensure he never plays again.

MELBOURNE utility Phil Read has banished career-ending thoughts from his mind, confident he has finally beaten a prolonged bout of hamstring injuries.

The 26-year-old has fought the debilitating problem in both legs for most of this season as he sought every solution from surgery to alternative medicine in a bid to play.

Even training became a psychological and physical test for Read, who has bowed to the injury four times already this season.

"There was a stage there even at training where I was a bit worried about running out and tearing a hamstring," Read said.

"It got to the stage where I'd run out and just get little cramps and a hamstring would go and I'd go in and get it assessed and it would be, 'You're out for three to four weeks'.

"I was under no illusions, coming off a fourth hamstring, that this was career-threatening."

He played against Port Adelaide in his first game back last week following yet another injury break.

"It's just a really good feeling to get through a game," said the former West Coast player.

"It wasn't the result we were looking for but just to actually play with the boys and get back out on the field after 10 or 12 weeks not being able to train and stuff, it was a good feeling."

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Rather than preparing for the football afterlife, he now feels his future has opened up again.

"I've put a lot of work in. Not many people realise that when you're injured you actually train twice as hard as anyone else," Read said.

"I was going away from the club and doing extra work as well so I've got total faith in my body at the moment."

Read has torn both left and right hamstrings and after toying with various treatments including Pilates and Yoga it is now thought the problem related to surgery he had on both knees where grafts from his hamstrings were used.

Despite his own self-doubts, Read said Melbourne had continued to back him and continued its efforts to resolve the problem.

"At no stage did I feel like I didn't have the backing of the coaching staff," Read said.

"They kept telling me, it's a long season, you've got 10 weeks to go, you can get yourself right.

"The faith they've shown me, I'm just really eager to repay them."

A (very) short history of my jumper numbers

#54, Brent Heaver (what a sensational debut for both of us)
#31, Rod Keogh (!?)
#13, Allen Jakovich (I just switched the numbers around)
#1, Jamie Shanahan (Nothing from 1994-1998)
And nothing from 2000 onwards.
2006, #28.

No appropriate headline available

Remember '98 and '00? We got slaughtered in consecutive weeks and bounced back to make a Prelim Final and get flogged in a Grand Final retrospectively. Alas, despite all the available evidence regarding the up/down season trend, these sorts of things mean absolutely nothing. At all. The fact that we've had a good season followed by a shit one for the last seven years is nothing more than coincidence - there's no voodoo curse attached to it. We are not forever doomed to wade in mediocrity because somebody shagged a witch in the MCG change rooms in 1976.

Sadly this isn't a full scale essay about the world of the occult and it's connection to VFL/AFL football. It's a preview of Saturday night's game against Sydney at Telstra Dome. There's a very good reason that I'm stalling instead of talking about this game. I'm scared to death of what it means in the context of the season.

Nothing I typed in for a post title seemed appropriate. I know we can beat Sydney, and we've already done it once this year, but I also know that they're winning all over the place and we've been bent over and violated by Brisbane and Port in the last fortnight. Does that really mean anything? After all they are last year's Grand Finallists and have hit form in the last few weeks. I feel that we will find out the answer to that question at approximately 10pm on Saturday night on Harbour Esplanade, Docklands, Victoria, 3008.

That's about as far as the good news goes. Take a look at these changes,

Out: Miller (*sob*), Nicholson (meh..), Heffernan (no great loss), Jamar (likewise)
In: Holland (predictable), Ferguson (getting better), Williams (WTF!), Carroll (WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?)

Now, we all know why Nathan Carroll is there - his claim to fame is having wrecked Barry Hall in the last round of 2003, and presumably with Nicholson/Miller out and Ferguson/Rivers required elsewhere they've decided to bring him back for a crack at repeating history. The only downside to this plan is that he's never done anything else EVER and was last seen being destroyed at Football Park last season. Bold visionary gamble or desperate last roll of the dice guaranteed to backfire in spectacular fashion? We shall see.

Williams on the other hand almost brought tears to my eyes when I saw it. I always feel terrible about hammering listed AFL players because clearly they're finer athletes than I'll ever be, earn thousands of dollars a year more than me and score hot women for no good reason BUT I just can't cope with another game featuring Williams. I'm sure he's a lovely guy and all that shit but let's be entirely frank, he's rubbish. He is to the world of football what this page is to the world of blogging - superior to most of the garden variety bogans going around but so far off world class that it's not funny.

You'll note that by playing on Saturday he'll have played one more game this year, by round 16, than he did in all of last season. Does this mean he's getting better? Does it f**k. It means we're struggling royally. Prove me wrong and have 35 touches. Go on.

Speaking of Luke, you might remember him from the last time we played the Swans at Telstra Dome. Actually you might not, because that was the worst game of football I've seen in my life and any sane person would have wiped the memories of that night out of their mind minutes after the final siren. In fact I looked back on my notes from that game and the match was so violently dull that the fact my tram on the way home had coathangers on the floor was worthy of a mention. All I remember is the Swans playing the most unattractive brand of football ever, and won. So good for them - if we played 17 men in the backline and won 1.8.14 to 1.1.7 every week I'd support it - but hardly likely to feature on anyone's "Name a Game" most wanted list anytime soon.

I'm not even taking the balaclava. I'm just going to sit there for four quarters and silently weep at the fact that, as a seven year old child, I chose to support a club who were destined never to win anything more important than a pub raffle ever again.

The Demonblog verdict: The Craig Nettlebeck cup is going back to Swansblog.com. Sydney by 25 and our season out the window. Roll on '06 and/or death. I'd like to say I hate football, but I realise that now the NSL is dead there's no decent sport to watch during summer so it's a necessary evil.

Flight 666

During the Brisbane fiasco of a fortnight ago (as opposed to the Port fiasco of last week or the Sydney one this week) I announced that I'd be making NO interstate trips next year. Suddenly it turns out we're playing in Launceston and the road trip is ON.

I just can't help myself. At least Tasmania, as opposed to Sydney and Brisbane, understands football and I won't end up next to a semi-retarded family of Rugby Union fans attempting to be trendy and in with the next big thing by following AFL.

This, of course, ensures by my attendance that Melbourne will lose no matter who we play.

P.S - Anyone got anything to say about to Port game? I'm far too legitmately ill to think about it and make myself worse.

UPDATE (or P.P.S if you will)

Demonblog reader Kara sends in this report,

THE PORT GAME

I made the 4 hours drive from the country to watch one of this years shittest games of footy. What a trip it was listening to a bit of head banging music, cruising along at 80 (yes im an L plater) rocking up to the F*$îng stadium and having to park about a million miles away!! After a 20 minute walk I stumbled across a place full of ferals, other wise known as AAMI STADIUM, I walked in only to be told by some moron that we were gonna loose and he was “out to get me�? well dickhead tell me something I didn’t know. Of course we would loose our record at AAMI is terrible.

I go and find my seat after some half normal port supporter offered to help me find it (strange I know). I sat to see that we were up by a goal…. Yes it had been the first goal of the game and I tell you what I was excited I thought maybe just maybe there was a glimmer of hope in this stadium of darkness. How how wrong I could be……. First quarter went just grand good to see some passionate demons supporters were prepared to fight for their colours. Personally I am scared of people will half their teeth and look like they haven’t showered in a month. So the first quarter highlight was a big yelling match between some beautiful demons boys and some butt ugly port bastard. Oh yeah….. Miller got a leg injury talking to him after the game he’s thinking about 4 weeks?!?! Fingers crossed we looked rather dead with no key CHF.

I was not at all surprised to see a few fights break out during the course of the game on and off the field. Byron Pickett was the centre of one what a dirty dirty man he is my goodness he makes me wild. Our very own Nathan Brown may be in a bit of strife after a tiff with Cassissi and a club doc haha and the packs in brawl is bound to get some attention from the tribunal Miller although injured is bound to get in some trouble as the tribunal is out to get him….. ohh yeah and the best fight of all two port supporters having a go at each other proceeding to throw a few punches and both get kicked out….. The port supporters are as bad as the actual players.

Rivers struggled all game on Tredrea if the guy kicked straight the score would have been much worse than it actually was… what other abuse to I have to throw….. OMG (oh my god!!) I feel it is about time that the demons learn to kick straight!!! How many times did we see the ball go out on the full, get kicked over the players head, not even make the mark or was it just that pathetic that the opposition were able to jump in front of it?!?! Our defence was very very exposed as was our midfield they were able to get the ball from the middle and run to the 50 and kick a goal it was like back in high school when the year 12’s would take on the year 7’s absolute annihilation…….

The last quarter although completely out of the game gave a very small glimmer of hope a few goals and the margin for a minute was brought back to around 50 huge I know but compared to about 80 its looking good…… only for bloody Tredrea to make a few leads kick a few POINTS and give port a bit of an edge.

The best part of the game I reckon was meeting an absolute legend of a Melbourne supporter at the after match function and having a bit of a chat and a 80 year old port support using the worst language in the stadium.

My day at AAMI one I will not forget for some time!!!!

Sorry bout spelling errors, bad language and not referring to the game to often but there wasn’t a great deal to report on an absolute shit game of football to talk about!!!!
Cheers Kara

Let that be a lesson to you. Avoid the place at all costs. Let's go en masse to Aurora Stadium, sit in the Every Day Is Like Sunday section and make completely blogworthy scenes.

2005 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes (given retrospectively)
5 - Moloney
4 - Robertson
3 - White
2 - Yze
1 - Davey

For The Tip

God I hate football..

No Future

For this week anyway.. Am I such a horrible person for thinking that we're going to get waffled by Port this week? Got help anyone travelling to Football Park to watch the game because not only do we stand the chance of getting wrecked on field but you'll also be dealing with 40000 toothless bogans sitting around you.

The changes are hardly inspiring. McLean is out with a groin injury and Ben Holland is out with a serious case of mediocrity. They're replaced by Daniel Ward (remember him?) and Philthy Phil Read. Presumably Heffernan only survived because of McLean's injury but I support the two inclusions.

It's become apparent that I'm the only person in the world who supported the Holland/backline scenario (and even I'm starting to think I was mad) so there's no other real need for him while Neitz is in the side. I'm sure he'll be back before long - but at least Heff is still there for we internet nerds to obsess about instead.

For those of you who are interested in that sort of thing, and let's be honest it never actually ends up like that, Rivers is listed at FB and Nicholson at CHB.

Look, I don't know. This is just the sort of game we could break out and win just to confuse everybody. But I doubt it. Port by 30 and our season in the rubbish bin. Sylvia MUST play 4 quarters. I'll miss the entire thing due to being at work - so if anybody can be bothered writing a report based off the TV commentary then go right ahead - you even get to give out the votes if that sort of thing turns you on.

Golly

Did you realise that we've beaten every side in the top 8 except West Coast? I didn't. Won't stand for much if we do nothing in the next 10 weeks.

Rubbish exported

Must we? Really? I could sum it all up in a few brief sentences. The entire state of Queensland is for the tip, interstate football should be abolished and Melbourne's status as 2005 Premiership contenders has been downgraded to "You're kidding".

After three days in the Sunshine Coast (more like the Pissing down with rain and enough humidity to kill an elephant Coast) I'd lost the plot by the time I'd even entered the city of Brisbane. I then proceeded to drive around the place in circles at the whim of their thousands of one way streets. I ended up on the same random freeway twice before I even found the Gabba. Then I promptly lost it again. By the time I got there, still hours.. HOURS early I was off the planet. It was all a case of "let's lose already so I can go home".

The game kicks off and I'm lucky enough to be sitting next to one of those immensely annoying opposition fans who clearly has NO idea what he/she is watching and just cheers when everyone else does. The only problem being that this clown was there with six or seven Melbourne fans who not only indulged him but did their own version of it. Terrible.

So the game starts and within a few minutes we're three goals down and Daniel Bradshaw is running riot. By quarter time he'd run the suddenly unfashionable A. Nicholson around like an adult playing footy with a kid and helped himself to five goals. That's the last thing I needed - to see a record go down and watch some idiot kick 21. The only thing I can think at this point (other than "this state should be closed down") is "It's probably better to get flogged than to lose a close one" Then the 2nd starts, Nicholson sits on the bench, Miller goes back onto Bradshaw instead and things begin to pick up. Suddenly by the 20 minute mark we're in front. In the words of internet kiddies everywhere... WTF! Totally undeserved, and five minutes later we're three goals down again. Nice while it lasted I suppose, and we were hardly dead come the long break.

Now.. Could they have tried Holland on Brown and Rivers on Bradshaw? I've never pretended to be a cultural observer of the game - so feel free to point out if my grand scheme is bollocks - but it would have been worth a try. We did make a significant comeback when Miller took Bradshaw but it wasn't to much avail as we kept getting slaughtered in that last kick before 50.

The "Premiership Quarter" (as complete wankers are want to say) really finished us off. Eight goals to two and Captain Clown next to me was starting to fire up. Probably something to do with the colossal intake of alcohol that he'd racked up throughout the evening. In fact I was seated in knobhead central. It was full of idiot locals just yelling out stupid things and laughing heartily. I think I'd rather go to Adelaide and get my head kicked in out the back of the carpark than have to put up with another year of completely ignorant Sydney or Brisbane fans sitting around me.

We went to the last change 38 points down. I attempted to console myself with the fact that I'd seen us throw away a bigger 3/4 time lead (once in 15 years) and that we were at least some chance. Then we copped seven goals to two and were pounded into the ground unmercifully. Just get off. I've totally forgotten what else happened - the only other thing I remember was finally biting on one of the "witty" comments from bandwagon idiot next to me. As the two Melbourne fans in front of me fled, lest they see signs of unbridled passion from the pissed crunts around them, he let rip with a bit of the old "Hrrr hrrr hrr GO HOME.. Hrr hrr hrr. Mexicans!" and I just lost the plot with a big "YEAHTHEQUICKERWEGETOUTOFTHISSHITHOUSESTATETHEBETTER" and just turned away so if I was to get any response it would be a right hook to the head. Disappointed to go unbeaten. Badge of honor and all that shit.

They won and surprise, surprise the words to the song STILL come up on the scoreboard. Three flags and four grand finals in a row and they still don't know the words. What an embarassment. May as well have slammed the Brisbane Bears ("DARE TO BEAT THE BEAR") song on instead and see if anyone could tell the difference.

PLAYER OF THE YEAR

5 - Colin Sylvia (We instantly looked better when he came on.
4 - Travis Johnstone (In his weekly appearance...)
3 - Brad Green (Pff.. I don't know. He kicks straight)
2 - Russell Robertson (Still playing his best season yet)
1 - Brent Moloney (Fell in by default because he went at it all night)

LEADERBOARD

26 - Travis Johnstone
18 - Brad Green
17 - Cameron Bruce
12 - Russell Robertson
11 - Adem Yze
9 - Brock McLean
6 - Ryan Ferguson, Clint Bizzell, Colin Sylvia, Brent Moloney
5 - Jared Rivers, Aaron Davey
4 - Alistair Nicholson
3 - James McDonald, Brad Miller, Nathan Brown, Russell Robertson
2 - Paul Wheatley
1 - Matthew Whelan

Negatives to Nathan Brown (worst game in years), Al Nicholson (erase all memories of the night from your mind) and Queensland as a whole. Biggest minus points ever to me - for the second time this season - for completely forgetting to find anywhere to stay and ending up sleeping for an hour in a car outside the airport. Farcical.