* Not actual betting. If you're upset at not being able to punt on this please contact gambling assistance services in your state or territory.
First the indicative markets came in dedicated pre-season posts, until I didn't have enough time for them. Then they were stuffed at the end of the last pre-season match review, which I forgot to do this season. So, for the public record, here they are in all their 'plucked straight from the arse' glory.
Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year In the main event, we say goodbye to the winners of six previous medals. This is good news for Nathan Jones, because once Oliver was paid to go away his record of five individuals wins is confirmed safe for many years to come. Unless Gawn keeps winning well into middle age, and we all hope he will. With star power going out the door at warp speed, this could be the first double digit odds winner since Oliver '17.
Previous winners: 2005 - Travis Johnstone 2006 - Brock McLean 2007 - Nathan Jones 2008 - Cameron Bruce 2009 - Aaron Davey ($8) 2010 - Brad Green ($4) 2011 - Brent Moloney ($9) 2012 - Nathan Jones (2) ($3.50) 2013 - Nathan Jones (3) ($2) 2014 - Nathan Jones (4) ($3.50) 2015 - Jack Viney ($15) 2016 - Nathan Jones (5) ($8) 2017 - Clayton Oliver ($35) 2018 - Clayton Oliver (2) ($3.25) 2019 - Max Gawn ($9) 2020 - Christian Petracca ($6) 2021 - Clayton Oliver (3) ($6) 2022 - Clayton Oliver (4) ($3) 2023 - Christian Petracca (2) ($3.50) 2025 - Max Gawn (2) ($8)
2026 market: $4 - Kysaiah Pickett $5 - Max Gawn $8 - Jack Steele $9 - Trent Rivers $12 - Harvey Langford $18 - Caleb Windsor $20 - Ed Langdon, Christian Salem $22 - Bayley Fritsch, Xavier Lindsay, Daniel Turner $25 - Tom Sparrow $30 - Jake Lever, Jacob van Rooyen $35 - Kade Chandler, Harrison Petty, Changkuoth Jiath $45 - Jack Viney $50 - Blake Howes, Tom McDonald, Brody Mihocek $65 - Koltyn Tholstrup $70 - Jake Bowey, Latrelle Pickett $75 - Jai Culley, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp $90 - Jed Adams, Max Heath, Bailey Laurie, Xavier Taylor $120 - Matt Jefferson, Luker Kentfield $200 - Paddy Cross, Aidan Johnson $220 - Jack Henderson, Andy Moniz-Wakefield $1000 - Shane McAdam (assuming he is ever coming back), Ricky Mentha, Kalani White $1500 - Riley Onley $4000 - Oscar Berry, Tom Campbell
Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year Most overall votes for a defender. Anyone who spends too much time midfield or forward will be disqualified at the discretion of the committee.
May departs tied with James Frawley with four wins, while defending champion Bowey will have to launch his campaign post-injury. I don't expect Rivers to qualify, hence his lower position here than the overall market. Caleb Windsor only listed because the website calls him a defender. Warning - contains the shame of dual favourites.
Previous winners: 2005 - Nathan Carroll and Ryan Ferguson 2006 - Jared Rivers 2007 - Paul Wheatley 2008 - Matthew Whelan 2009 - James Frawley ($22) 2010 - James Frawley (2) ($3.50) 2011 - James Frawley (3) ($4) 2012 - Jack Grimes ($7) 2013 - James Frawley (4) ($2.80) 2014 - Lynden Dunn ($25) 2015 - Tom McDonald ($14) 2016 - Neville Jetta ($13) 2017 - Michael Hibberd ($16) 2018 - Christian Salem ($20) 2019 - Christian Salem (2) ($4.75) 2020 - Steven May ($11) 2021 - Jake Lever ($8) 2022 - Steven May (2) ($7) 2023 - Steven May (3) ($4) 2024 - Steven May (4) 2025 - Jake Bowey ($15)
2026 market: $10 - Christian Salem, Daniel Turner $12 - Jake Lever, Harrison Petty $15 - Blake Howes $18 - Changkuoth Jiath $25 - Tom McDonald, Trent Rivers $40 - Jed Adams, Xavier Taylor $70 - Andy Moniz-Wakefield $80 - Caleb Windsor $100 - Luker Kentfield $500 - ANY OTHER PLAYER $1000 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER $2000 - Oscar Berry
Nathan Jones Rising Star Medal Yes, that's right I've made a snap decision to name this award sensibly rather than for a zany comedy player. Otherwise, the rules stay the same - high scoring overall player who has played a maximum of four AFL games at the start of the season. Even though Scully was allowed to once again be seen with an S instead of a $ thanks to the post-premiership amnesty, he still carries the stain of being the only person ever to have one of these awards revoked. You'll also note I forgot to include Turner in the 2024 market and the Demonblog integrity department won't let me go back and pretend he was there.
Previous winners: 2005 - No players eligible. 2006 - Matthew Bate 2007 - Michael Newton 2008 - Cale Morton 2009 - Jack Grimes ($4) 2010 - Tom Scully ($5) (revoked in September 2011) 2011 - Jeremy Howe ($30) 2012 - Tom McDonald ($8) 2013 - Jack Viney ($5) 2014 - Jay Kennedy-Harris ($15) 2015 - Jesse Hogan ($4.50) 2016 - Jayden Hunt ($50) and Christian Petracca ($10) 2017 - Mitch Hannan ($15) 2018 - Bayley Fritsch ($4.50) 2019 - Marty Hore ($8) 2020 - Trent Rivers ($40) 2021 - James Jordon ($30) 2022 - Toby Bedford ($12) 2023 - Judd McVee ($20) 2024 - Daniel Turner (N/A) and Caleb Windsor ($6) 2025 - Harvey Langford ($5)
2026 market: $10 - Latrelle Pickett $12 - Xavier Taylor $15 - Max Heath $20 - Jed Adams $30 - Thomas Matthews $40 - Paddy Cross, Luker Kentfield $50 - Ricky Mentha, Riley Onley, Kalani White $100 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER $750 - Oscar Berry
Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year Always the most pointless of awards, considering there's usually one person who qualifies. Maybe when Gawn retires we'll co-brand this category after him and wrap it up.
Previous winners: 2005 - Jeff White 2006 - Jeff White (2) 2007 - Jeff White (3) 2008 - Paul Johnson 2009 - Mark Jamar ($3) 2010 - Mark Jamar (2) ($1.50) 2011 - Stefan Martin ($30) 2012 - Stefan Martin (2) ($12) 2013 - Jack Fitzpatrick ($50) and Max Gawn ($45) 2014 - Mark Jamar (3) ($5) 2015 - Max Gawn (2) ($10) 2016 - Max Gawn (3) ($1.80) 2017 - Max Gawn (4) ($1.25) 2018 - Max Gawn (5) ($1.10) 2019 - Max Gawn (6) ($1.50) 2020 - Max Gawn (7) ($1.05) 2021 - Max Gawn (8) ($2) 2022 - Max Gawn (9) ($3) 2023 - Max Gawn (10) ($4) 2024 - Max Gawn (11) 2025 - Max Gawn (12)
2026 market: $1.30 - Max Gawn $10 - Max Heath $50 - Tom McDonald, Jacob van Rooyen $75 - ANY OTHER PLAYER $100 - Aidan Johnson $125 - Kalani White $150 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER $200 - Tom Campbell $300 - Oscar Berry
This was the first time we've had two lightning stoppages, and you could tell from the first shot of the broadcast that there was something evil in the sky. I was expecting more 'unmerciful pissing rain' like the GWS/Sydney game, but I'm not sure there was a single drop of rain during the game. But somewhere within 10km there was lightning, and that was enough to shut up shop. It's one thing packing up on the second delay in a throwaway game like this, but let's have a match not involving us that is stopped three or four times, with scores close enough that there'll be a riot if it's abandoned with the result standing. We won't be involved any time soon, so why not a Grand Final? Fair chance I've called for this scenario in every post linked above.
Who knows what the City of Ballarat paid to host three games over the weekend, like an even worse version of Opening Round, but I bet when the 4pm start was agreed they were more concerned about the traditional pre-season heat than storm havoc. Especially when the stadium's lights were capable of about 1 more lux than your traditional Coles Homebrand globe.
Luckily, there were as many people in the crowd as watching at home so people will still associate Ballarat with Sovereign Hill rather than unseen violent electrical storms. Surely they had better lights at some point and are in the process of installing proper, AFL standard ones as part of the stadium upgrade. It's been 11 years since the ground announcer kept describing the stadium as Footscray's "new home ground" as if he knew something the rest of us didn't. They've only progressed to having a stand under construction now, but the sight of unfinished concrete gave me instant Gawn after the siren flashbacks. To be fair, walking down the street reminds me of that blessed event. The difference was these were on the wing, so instead of aiming the most important set shot in modern history at concrete, you'd have to kick spectacularly OOF to land the ball in the construction zone. If any teams could pull it off, it was Richmond post-dynasty and/or us post-one hit wonder.
I'm happy with our draftees, but a bit sad that Richmond got a guy called 'Peucker'. Rarely do you find somebody who provides a choice of spew or flange references. Such a thing is too important to be left in the hands of Dwayne Russell, so thank god the Peuck wasn't available and we didn't have to listen to Dwayne focus testing 'spontaneous' gags that will 'randomly' crop up later in the season when people are watching. Also, on the claims that a Richmond player is nicknamed "Sizzle", somebody will be hearing from my lawyers. The rest of the commentary team were fine (Brad Johnson lineball, but hooray for Jess Webster being good so we can hang shit on Kelli Underwood and be clear it's got nothing to do with gender), but this guy is going to give me the shits again. I'd still have him over BT, but that's like choosing Smallpox or Malaria. Jason Bennett is a free agent after Channel 7 sacked him for displaying insufficient levels of buffoonery, he'd be a decent balance to Dwayne carrying on like a pork chop.
Speaking of the coverage, which has been a better talking point than our football in recent years, based on the pre-match interviews Steven King may be the nicest person alive. I've come to appreciate that this is a better way to start than fire/brimstone coaches telling players how shit they are, but lets see if he descends down the Misery Index when things get serious. Pre-season performance is not a reliable indicator of future success, but it's hard to know what to believe after playing ourselves, an unofficial game against last year's 16th best team, and little more than a half against 17th.
The first two minutes were good for football and shit for footballers. It started with Gawn sticking the ball down Steele's throat at the first bounce, which was nice, but in the absence of Mihocek (concussed) and Jefferson (midweek foot explosion), our first two forward entries sank without a trace. Then just as Kentfield was about to mark after a fantastic lead he got elbowed right on the top of his head, one of the few spots not previously broken.
Kentfield escaped concussion, but was stunned badly enough to hit the ground like a crash-landing plane and do his knee to a degree unknown at time of publication. There's no such thing as a 'good' knee injury, but it's shithouse timing for somebody who came back from the dead to where he could've easily been given the Jed Adams special taster game post-Goodwin. Then he plays through a recently busted face, took his accidental chance last week superbly, then does exactly what you'd want of him and goes down after copping a slapstick, Three Stooges-style blow to the head. Yes, I am over-correcting out of guilt at suggesting he was a certainty to be delisted halfway through last year.
He joins our growing injury leaderboard, where we're responding to the misleading information about player return controversy by not giving any.
Note: Apparently, the sacrum is "a large, triangular-shaped bone at the base of the spine", not something plum related.
As Kent hobbled off with two trainers, whoever makes the final decision on lightning stoppages was nice enough to wait for Harvey Langford to take the free kick. "I think they're reviewing it", said you know who. Unless he meant the weather report, they weren't. A week after we nearly became the first team to nearly 'lose' (technically) a game after the siren despite being 86 points in front, this was another trailblazing moment. Surely no team has ever had the injury, goal, game stopped trifecta.
So, two minutes into the game it was back to the rooms, where players had to find ways to fill the time so apparently engaged in a Men's Shed inspired discussion group. I bet Amazon Prime saw this and kicked themselves at not starting season two of the documentary in Ballarat.
It was too dangerous for play to continue, but not for Jack Viney and Ben Dixon to stand one metre over the boundary line having time-filling chit-chat. In the second most profound thing he's said at a Richmond game (after the time he won the medal and said Australia was really good), Jack pointed this out. I'm no lightning expert, but I guess there's more chance of it finding 36 players + umpires than two blokes and a cameraman. Obviously Dwayne was having a whizz when this was happening, because five minutes later he goes "Nobody's allowed on the ground, we better get Dicko off". Mars Stadium is not just a stadium name, it's a fitting tribute to whatever planet this guy comes from.
Half an hour later we were back to defend the 6-0 lead, and soon doubled that when Gawn marked at close range. You'll never guess what the topic of conversation was on commentary, and even after he'd kicked it perfectly they'd barely finished defaming his set shots by the time Richmond responded. We then got the season's first mention of 'Fritz', JVR was called McDonald, and it was said that if we'd "known" Kentfield would be injured we may have played Heath. As well as, or instead of? Because I'd be outraged if we had holy visions of a player getting hurt and still sent him out to play. As we were without a second ruckman, I preferred McDonald as backup instead of van Rooyen.
This game was only marginally more useful than last week for judging the future, but we were on top for everything other than converting chances and stopping Richmond kicking goals from the top of the square. I get the feeling May is never coming back, which is big news for my claims that Petty was his natural replacement. If it doesn't happen I'll be blaming him spending two years as a forward, and he was a bit ropey in his first game for the season but I'm not giving in yet. At least they left him down there after Kentfield was injured, last year Petty would've been flung into attack at warp speed under these circumstances.
After potentially premature claims that our forward line looked dangerous last week, the talls were doing nothing (for now), but enter Chandler, Sharp, and Tholstrup with a nice long set shot. Sadly no "Sellies" this week as I'm sure it cost us Logie Award winning commentary. I'm tempted to say you had to weight this performance against the opposition, but Richmond wasn't that much worse than us last year with an average age of about 15. We're definitely not kicking 7.2 in many first terms this year, but regardless of the opposition and use of the wind you'd be a miserable bastard to complain.
If we're going to be an average side again, I'd rather go down swashbuckling than lose 52-57, but based on limited exposure against rebuilding teams, this could be Baileyball's Revenge. We'll look like the greatest show on earth a few times during the year, and each will be followed by fans gouging their eyes out in a fit of self-loathing. The difference is that Bailey had to build from the lost ruins of an average civilisation with shadowy forces operating around his, while King has inherited a half-decent team which has already been warmed up with recent top draft picks so I don't think it will flame out as badly.
Due to the delay, quarter and half time breaks were shortened. Which makes you wonder why you can't do that in every game? Jeff Kennett's post-1999 strike rate for sensible comment is about 3%, but he was bang on that if you want to shave some time off games start here. It's probably because in pre-season, the broadcaster can do without a few minutes of ads. Like the one for a show with a guy racking up multiple wives purely for the mad rooting opportunities. Fortunately, there was no sign of that dickhead kicking a footy through his window (or Tayla Harris and her eye jumper), but if they don't get the core sponsors back by Round 1A, Kayo will put their price up to $100 a month.
Richmond was taking this seriously in every way except their jumper with the all-yellow front which looked like the sort of generic top you'd buy for $10 from Victoria Market to play indoor soccer in before Temu was invented. They had a good start to the quarter before JVR decided he didn't give a stuff about the wind and kicked two in quick succession. One came from a nice pass by Laurie that the umpire decided hadn't gone far enough about 1m after it came off his boot. Which was false, but the early notice worked in van Rooyen's favour, allowing him to overcome the distance-challenged official and kick the goal. To paraphrase David Brent, sometimes the decisions will be false.
I don't expect umpires to judge distance with military-grade accuracy on the fly, but I wonder if their training ever involves coaches setting up cones in the distance, saying "how far do you think that is?" then telling them how far off they are.
The best way to tell that this was a pre-season game that you should only take half-seriously was that we had a more verstatile forward line than the opposition. Richmond kicked goals from close range, but any shot from more 30 metres out drifted away from goal and into the pocket. It worked once, before our defenders realised what was going on. JVR got a third, this time via a 50 which took him into the square. Seemed like fair reward for having to pluck the first two out of thin air. He then took delivery of a Pickett bullet pass and missed the set shot, but good signs nonetheless.
By half time I'd seen enough to wrap things up and head home, but was open to a second half where we wheeled out a few young players who'd been kept in reserve, tried some wacky pre-season tactical stuff, and left our most important players on far too long. Maybe they'd rented the dressing rooms by the hour, because the same players who had to walk casually for their life earlier in the game spent the shortened break standing in the middle of the ground. That's putting a lot of faith in the weather radar not being a few kilometres out, and as subsequent events showed there was still non-Pickett generated electricity in the air. Fun fact - if there's no weather radar available you're supposed to judge the likelihood of being blown up by methods including counting the seconds between lightning and thunder.
With no proper lights on offer, it looked like they'd only finish the game by parking cars around the boundary line with their high beams on. Fair enough that time Australia won the Cricket World Cup Final in near darkness, but this was the AAMI Community Series so apologies to anyone who travelled to watch, but who cared if it was called off. And then a few minutes into the third quarter it was, when we were saved from the prospect of players crashing into each other in darkness like Titanic vs Iceberg by further lightning. There was time for one more blatant display of Pickettry, and we'll assume the umpire missed the blatant push while temporarily blinded by a flash in the distance.
Multiple people have tried to tell me this wasn't a free, which is the sporting equivalent of when people will go along with any mad political shit just to support their side.
Let's have a moment for the defender stumbling to the ground in cartoonish fashion as if this sound effect was playing.
Decent finish though, and it saved an otherwise "can't play North Melbourne every week" performance by Latrelle. If his surname was Smith I wouldn't pick him for Round 1, but after trying to lure punters to the first game of 2025 with Irish dancing, multiPickett is an obvious crowd-pleasing choice. If he doesn't play first up, he won't be far behind.
For the second time that afternoon our goal set off the lightning warning. At least this time they didn't wait for somebody to take a set shot before evacuating players for their own safety. Said players were so concerned that they hung out in the middle of the ground having a chat for the next few minutes. I don't know why Gawn and Nankervis didn't just shake hands and agree to depart on the spot, but after Max criticised the new ruck rules he was probably worried the AFL would spitefully charge him for. Instead, it was back to the rooms for several minutes more than you'd think necessary to declare the game off.
The result is irrelevant, but as we were winning I'd like to point out that a game is official at half time. It dudded Thomas (who I will refuse to call 'Tom' in the interests of raising the tone) Matthews out of his first start in AFL company, and Xavier Taylor out of a chance to press for Round 1 selection. Otherwise, there wasn't much more to be gained, but I hope it played havoc with the sort of bozos who bet on pre-season games.
And finally, I'm too old to understand most of what's going on with our social media these days (including the club finally getting into the novelty t-shirt market by flogging something about Jiath skiing for $60), but I appreciate their artistic decision to go directly from Lever carrying on like he's in Full Metal Jacket to him running around flapping his arms like a bird.
I don't suppose players are allowed to object to anything being shown these days - especially just as the behind the scenes documentary we willingly signed up to starts showing - but if my work posted a video like that I'd piff admin's phone out the window. Probably doesn't have the slightest impact on the actual playing of football, but I'm here to say "I told you so" when a player eventually cracks the shits and walks out after being made to look like a knob.
2025 Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance If you thought deciding this award on two games was a farce, what about one and a half games? The AFL Integrity Department has been on the phone, and next year we're definitely doing intraclub votes.
5 - Caleb Windsor 4 - Max Gawn 3 - Jack Steele 2 - Jacob van Rooyen 1 - Tom Sparrow
Apologies to Fritsch, Lindsay, K. Pickett, Rivers
Final results Jack Steele's MFC welcome basket has an award in it. Sure, it might be the least prestigious one in the game, but you can't complain about free honours after captaining St Kilda. This is the second time a player has arrived from another club and pocketed the Prymke on arrival. Hopefully Jack has a longer, happier career with us than 2015 winner Heritier Lumumba
7 - Jack Steele
5 - Kysaiah Pickett, Caleb Windsor
4 - Max Gawn
3 - Blake Howes
2 - Luker Kentfield, Jacob van Rooyen
1 - Max Heath, Tom Sparrow
Next week +1
Our second new coach in a row debuts against St Kilda, and I'd rather hear about Goodwin's debut win under a sweaty as anything Docklands roof than what happened last time against the Saints. They should cherish the memory of that game, but the best way to make clear that it was an end of year slopfest with no importance is to win here. Which we might. They're debut their new all-star lineup in (*chunder*) Opening Round (*heave*), so here's to getting all the excitement out of their system before we turn up.
Predicted ladder If you're new to this, the brackets are the range I think the team will finish in. If you'd rather ruthlessly hold me to exact positions, my score will be updated throughout the year via Squiggle's handy Rate My Ladder. Last year, I scored C grade despite some laughably bad predictions, so follow along as we aim for better.
1 - Brisbane (the old brave decision to put the reigning premier on top) 2 - Footscray
------ 3 - Gold Coast 4 - Fremantle
------ 5 - Hawthorn 6 - St Kilda 7 - Greater Western Sydney 8 - Sydney
------ 9 - Collingwood 10 - Adelaide 11 - Geelong (now watch them regenerate like him from Terminator 2)
------ 12 - Carlton 13 - Melbourne (but a good 13th, if such a thing exists) 14 - Port Adelaide
------ 15 - Richmond 16 - Essendon 17 - West Coast 18 - North Melbourne
Demonblog's chosen 24
Yes, we know field positions have bugger all relevance to where players actually line up/go on the ground. Available players only.
Apologies to Laurie, who may as well get used to it, and Melksham, who can swap with Tholstrup or L. Pickett if you want. Also, Taylor, who might have made his case if the second half had been played.
May Away Just as I was going to send this, the conclusion (?) to the long running Steven May saga ended with a negotiated retirement just in time for us to find a replacement. His real and alleged personal scandals are not my concern, I'd prefer to remember the greatest MFC defender in my time watching the game. After a dud first season with us, he was unbelievable from mid-2020 to mid-2024, and the story about playing in the Grand Final with his hamstring on the verge of shredding into a thousand pieces deserves to be club legend. Sure he annoyed Melksham enough to get punched in the head, and had an unnecessary on-field sook towards Gawn, but Christ on a Bike what a player. We're at the point where people can say "yeah but..." and invent any lurid story about him that people will believe, but from a pure football perspective, his run with us was brief but spectacular and I hope whatever's going on off the field won't get worse with 52 weeks a year of free time.
And because we're more about obscure trivia than heartfelt tributes, whoever we get as his replacement could be the end of the line tracing back to Scully legging. The compensation picks got Hogan, we traded him for May, and assuming the last-minute ring-in doesn't end up traded or somehow landing us future draft picks, that's your lot on that branch of the MFC family tree. The most important bit of the equation is that it ran through a flag.
Home Alone The three longest-running sagas in Victoria are an airport train, fast rail to Sydney, and the MFC's quest for a combined training and administration base. The first one is allegedly happening, the second is on its 932nd expensive feasibility study, and both will be going before we finalise a home venue. The latest is that we're off to Waverley for somewhere between 'a bit' and 'several decades'.
I haven't engaged with this process because you may as well patiently wait for world peace, but as always reserve the right to chip in on random topics like an expert. In this case, asking what more we'll get for spending a minimum $100 million on Caulfield vs settling in at Waverley and getting on with our lives? The FAQ says we need the facility because we're split across three locations, then says Casey will "be an elite training facility for our teams" and we'll keep playing AFLW/VFL/VFLW games there. Then the question of "Why the potential location at Caulfield" speaks about important factors like recruiting Robbie Flower from the area, and ends the list of benefits with "etc..."
If Waverley was perfect Hawthorn wouldn't be plunging a fortune into developing the Las Vegas-like entertainment capital of Dingley, but there's bad news if you've been in a coma since September 1996 - they're the rich ones. We're comfortable now, but explain the benefits of spunking cash up the wall and going around cap in hand asking for donations when no construction project in Victoria has been completed on budget since Federation. I've been spooked by this article, which could be complete bullshit for all I know, but the idea of us spending $10 million (not even allowing for rampant construction industry rorts) on a tunnel just to get this done seems bonkers. Maybe we're being gouged to buggery to rent Waverley, but you'd want to explain that if trying to convince people to sign up for this gigantic cash incinerator.
Hopefully, somebody is still scouting for alternative locations, if only to use as leverage for getting a better deal on this. I'm switching parties from Dees for Docklands to Dees for Fisherman's Bend. There's got to be somewhere in that CBD-adjacent precinct for a sporting complex, and the government will be more likely to tip-in as part of a larger project than giving us money to build something in the middle of a racecourse.
Unless we've come up with an all-time great funding racket (and good luck faking an interest in community causes just to get a free footy ground like redacted, redacted, and redacted), Caulfield seems more trouble than it's worth. I'm happy to listen to the case in favour, but I want it outlined in comparison to staying at Waverley permanently. I just hope we don't rush into this so executives can say they delivered the impossible dream, regardless of the financial consequences.
Administrative updates
After a summer of Demonwiki.org falling over every five seconds, it was only after posting last week's review that I discovered Demonblog.com had gone tits up as well. It came back for a bit, then carked it again. Don't ask me, my technical knowledge of the internet stopped around the time <marquee> HTML tags went out of fashion. Should you find the usual dot.com has dot.gone, the site is always accessible via its less glamorous real URL mfcdemonblog.blogspot.com
Final thoughts Just let us play Round 1 next week you bastards.
The 2025/2026 off-season wasn't the weirdest I've been (peripherally) involved with, but it's up there. It seems like an excessively long time since our last game, when your friend and mine, the Melbourne Football Club rounded off a campaign featuring implosions, collapses, and self-inflicted wounds with one for the road. Since then, it's been 'choose your own adventure' about what comes next.
My inner-Costanza felt comfortable when we were being dragged through some light shambles. Premiership Heroes A and B are gone, and we spent about $3 million to make sure the man who made Mooroopna famous played anywhere else. Jack Viney is once again Australia's foremost lower limb injury victim. Our greatest defender since colour television has gone Steven MIA. For the second time in living memory, we've dumped a sponsor that turned out to be morally one rung above signing up Epstein Island, and replaced them with an "AI-native fintech platform" that appears to be a glorified fuel card system. Jake Bowey and Jai Culley are varying levels of broken, Tom Campbell's in a neck brace, and I'm sure there's plenty more.
I won't turn this into the #fistedforever Files sequel, but a final entry for the misery section of this post. Who thought signing up for a documentary about the 2025 season was a good idea? Did they think there was a heartwarming comeback on the cards? If the Formula 1 show they're trying to replicate had a team whose wheels fell off as regularly as ours they'd have been banned on safety grounds. Now, because what should be private conversations are being broadcast to the world we're subject to a public enquiry about the culture being no good. No really, you don't say, but I'd prefer they dealt with it behind closed doors, not on Amazon Prime. Hopefully there's an MFC supercut so I can avoid segments that don't interest me.
On the other hand, against all natural instincts, I'm quite looking forward to the new season. Not just because footy season provides more order to my life than cricketers I've got no emotional investment in (not since Tom Moody retired anyway) appearing on random days and playing playing 3/5ths of the allotted time if you're lucky. It's also because, in a year where mid-table mediocrity is officially desirable thanks to the wildcard round (*spit* *puke* *etc*), I feel like we might be half decent. Probably not finals half decent, but enough to avoid the usual infighting, recriminations, and back of the Herald Sun stories featuring David Schwarz looking sad.
Mind you, I also thought 2007 was a slight correction and look how that turned out. So, don't blame me if it goes tits up BUT we've got new coaching ideas, a veritable shitload of top draft picks to watch develop, and the tasty potential for double Pickett mayhem. You'll still be able to take a whizz at our home games without queuing, and I think it's a good omen that one of the Australian Winter Olympic gold medallists looks like Ben Brown. We'll find out the answer to "What's not to like?" together, but even before tonking half-interested opposition I felt the season had potential. Perhaps potential to be fatal.
There was plenty to like about this result, but it's no guide to the real stuff. Last year North were comfortably dealt with in this fixture, then 1.75 into the real season we were being melted by the only white-hot heat they could muster all year. As long as 28 men brave and true survived (relatively) uninjured and unsuspended, that would be good enough for me. So hello and welcome back. In the unlikely event that you're a first time reader, fair warning that the lack of in-depth analysis has nothing to do with it being a pre-season game. And if you need proof of that please consult the previous 21 seasons of posts. By the end of AFLW season I'll have done about nine months of posts and gone completely bonkers, so enjoy the lucid moments while they last.
Like the all-time great false alarm of Round 1, 2025, this started with a goal in the first minute. Back then came from slashing, and frankly misleading, ball movement from the centre bounce, this year's version featured Brody Mihocek barging his way through a crowd in front of goal. Incidentally, the first mention of Mihocek on these pages came in 2019, when he had four goals and our entire side only three. He got two of our first three goals before receiving the 'Welcome to Melbourne' welcome gift of a concussion.
I'll take goals however they're on offer, so more of the same please. Less of North's reply, where our backline stood in a protective circle to make sure the mark was taken without interruption. You don't want to go over the top about recruits considering Harry Sharp got four in this game last year, but Mihocek's second vindicated (as far I'm concerned anyway) my whinging about not having a big bistard to take the heat off Van Rooyen last year. If a bum like me could see it, a trained professional like Steven King must have winced watching what did to JVR last year.
As I'm not on the working from home racket (come on, you know what you're up to), the marquee 4pm Friday timeslot did me no favours. I had to watch on mute (missing the wildcard commentary team of Harriet Cordner and Some Bloke), and was only about 75% focused, but considered dropping the strides in public when Pickett kicked a goal, then bombed out of the middle for another immediately after. Turned out I'd missed a Bailey Laurie goal before that, which is a shame because if he gets as many opportunities as last year you won't see him again until Round 11.
I'd lose a game of 'First Round Pick or Top Up Player' on the North list, so god knows how seriously they were taking this, but we were six goals to one up at the end of the quarter before doing the obvious thing and conceding in DemonTime for the first time in 2026. I suspect it won't be the last. The game was advertised as 25 minute quarters + 'scenarios', and one scenario I'd like to avoid is Lever in one-on-one contests inside 50. To be fair he did stop another one soon after with of his trademark big spoils, but if May's not coming back then Turner, McDonald, and surely to god Petty, must be deployed to let him roam about intercepting anything that comes near.
You can't play pre-season North every week, but if I was mad enough to make a snap judgement on the season after this, I'd say until Mihocek disappeared it looked like we had more dangerous forwards than defenders for the first time since... David Neitz? There was further concern about the backline when North opened the second quarter with another goal from a mark close to goal under zero pressure, but after that they did stuff all. In related news, I'm startled that Jack Darling is still playing.
I don't feel bad about not giving this game full attention. Watching these matches, especially the bit where they start simulating, feels like when you used to be able to listen to police radio. It's interesting, but not intended to public consumption. Halfway through the second quarter it was revealed I was on a five minute delay when a tweet from the club about forward pressure leading to a Chandler goal arrived before it showed on my screen. The pressure came from Kentfield, who apparently broke his face at some point because he's wearing the most sinister black mask since the very much not-safe-for-anywhere Machine from 8mm.
Speaking of matters related to sexual deviancy, my loins were stirred when Pickett narrowly missed adding another via NBA Jam-style turbo boost from the middle. While Pickett, K was flinging around the ground at maximum speed, Pickett, L seemed to be on a work experience tour to the backline during the first half. Later, they would combine in the forward line and it was just as charismatic as you'd expect. I'm sure there's more of the same coming from Kysaiah this season, but it's both thrilling and disappointing when somebody plays an absolute corker in one of these meaningless games. See also Petracca vs Adelaide in 2020 before his momentum was delayed for three months by virus.
Then it was everyone's favourite bit, where the players carry on with what they'd been doing for the rest of the half, but pretend the score is different. We had first go at defending a two point lead for two minutes, and I've got a few hints on how to manage a situation like this. Don't blow an eight goal lead in the first place, let the best player on the ground take screamers over Fritsch in defence, give away a bonehead 6-6-6 free kick with seconds left, or leave aforementioned best player standing on his own inside 50.
The good news is that, unlike most close games last year, we held on to 'win'. I like how Kayo changes the scoreboard to the fake score during the scenario, giving you an 0.1 second heart attack when half watching as you think "Christ, when did we concede all these goals?"
The start of the third quarter was... Picketty. K kicked one, then set up the newly forward L, who dropped a sitter in the square, but tapped it back into the path of K to chip it through off the ground like an NRL conversion. Pickett Jr. held a mark a few minutes later but booted it out on the full, then later in the quarter went for a dash down the wing, gestured for a forward to lead, then kicked it OOF at near right angles. All part of the leaning journey, so I'm happy for him to start by setting up Harlem Globetrotter goals for his cousin and working his way up.
By now the excitement of watching any sort of Melbourne game was fading a bit and I was alternatively thinking "get on with Round 1 already" and "any danger North might take this seriously?" You could have flown a jumbo jet through the space they were leaving for us to run through, which was much appreciated but hardly an indication of what we're going to get against better teams.
In the absence of Gawn, I liked Heath and he'll get a game in Round 1 thanks to a) the new interchange rules, b) St Kilda having two ruckmen, and c) the hope of him stitching up his old side on debut. Given that the club itself never shuts about that game against the Saints, do you think it's more or less awkward for them discussing it with their new teammates than Lachie Hunter and Josh Schache having to regularly walk past the premiership cup they were WALLOPED out of?
I'd have been even frothier about Heath's prospects if he'd kicked either of his set shots, but I still think he'll go past one gamer Wayne Henwood in our all-time ranking of people called 'Moose'. More importantly, as far as St Kilda imports go, I think Jack Steele will cover Dunstan and Billings combined. He did exactly as expected, and will come in very handy given our diminished midfield stocks.
I finally got to listen with volume in the last quarter, and had NFI what they were on about after Tholstrup did a wacky young person goal celebration. For the next two minutes all Harriet's mate talked about was either 'Sallies' or 'Cellies', interrupted only by Steele and Langford kicking goals. Thank you for your concern, but there's no need to write in and confirm what they were actually talking about because it'll just make me angry.
Once the margin reached 10 goals midway through the last quarter we had an excessively Hollywood moment. Pickett (L) dashed around a few helpless defenders, but resisted the natural urge to have a big old snap and instead passed backwards to Rivers, who must have felt slighted that he didn't get to see Pickett do something exciting, because he decided to try and play on instead of going back for a set shot. Hooray for playing on instinct, but at this point of the first remotely real game of the season, on a 30 degree day, I'm sure his teammates were cursing him for costing them 30 seconds rest.
We were winning by heaps so no harm done. Pre-season for everyone etc... etc... Including the umpire who let McSizzle get away with the droppingest of dropping the balls, and one who conscientiously objected to the concept 'shrug = prior opportunity' and let players get away with whatever they liked.
God knows what we were supposed to make of all this. North seemed putrid, but you suspect Clarkson is taking the Paul Roos approach of not giving a rats about losing pre-season games. Best not get excited and accidentally slur anyone just before the suspended sentence expires.
There was nothing to be gained from obliterating North except unreasonably raised expectations, so things slowed down a bit after that. However, we still had time for more some L. Pickett excitement when he darted around a couple of defenders who'd lost the will to live and set up Kentfield, the Phantom of Casey Fields, for a goal. I really hope Kent sticks with the plastic luchadore gimmick forever. Take heed of the tragic case of Olivia Purcell, who went back to playing bareface, then did a knee.
With two minutes left it was Simulation O'Clock, and for the first time in the history of Australian Rules football, a team instantly went from being 79 (ish?) points ahead to two behind. Even in the days when they'd wipe your whole score for fielding too many players it would need the game to be 79-2 when that happened. Now we were playing to overcome a lead in the last two minutes, which should've come with a trigger warning considering some of our BULLSHIT attempts at winning games from this position recently.
The whole premise was ruined after 30 seconds when Sharp put us ahead, now it was a repeat of the scenario from the first half. If they didn't feel some obligation to play seriously I'm sure the teams would've just gone back to the centre, pretended the goal didn't happen, and let North try to defend the lead until time ran out. Despite us being 80-something points in front, the game nearly ended in total farce when the siren only just beat North to a mark and a shot on goal to 'win' the simulation. Only at Melbourne could you win in a landslide and still nearly lose to a kick after the siren.
2025 Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance Despite the intraclub being such a glorified training session that half the players wore hats and Caleb Windsor kicked goals for both sides, I was going to add it to the Prymke mix just to add some variety in the leaderboard. By the time the full video was online I'd moved on and satisfied myself with the highlights. Instead, may I present what is arguably the most eclectic set of votes ever.
5 - Kysaiah Pickett 4 - Jack Steele 3 - Blake Howes 2 - Luker Kentfield 1 - Max Heath
Next week
After this fake practice match, it's a real one. Against Richmond in, for unclear reasons, Ballarat next Friday afternoon. In simpler times I went there for a pre-season game, and would now require more complex calculations than the space program to watch live if games were playing at the end of my street.
Final thoughts Buggered if I know what this means for the rest of the year, but mission accomplished for those of us who just like seeing Melbourne win any sort of game.
