Can't Wait To Be King

The first game of the season is the sporting equivalent of storming a beach at Normandy. Sometimes you're the bloke from Saving Private Ryan who gets one in the forehead on arrival, sometimes you survive the initial landing and earn the chance to buy it at a later date. In 2021, we made it to Berlin, only to find out the action was happening in Vladivostok.

After going from 'so close' to 'so close to sticking your head in the oven' between rounds 1 and 2 last year, I'm not making any long-term predictions based on a single performance. But as an isolated demonstration of what we might expect from the Steven King era it was very enjoyable. Fittingly, it was our highest Round 1 score since also landing 18.12.120 against the Saints on Simon Goodwin's debut in 2017. This was also Jack Steele's debut for St Kilda, so everything's tied in together somehow.

Ross Lyon (who also coached his first game against us, on the night everything went tits up) was doing nautical things in Perth that year, but he'd have shaken his head in dismay at conceding that many points to Melbourne. Ross The Boss had such a comprehensive hold on Melbourne in the #fistedforever years that it took us 14 games to beat him, 15 to kick a triple figure score before losing anyway, and until mid-2019 before winning anywhere other than the Northern Territory. 

While none of that had the slightest influence on what happened in Round 1, 2026, a battle between the Moorabbin Strangler and a team that has made bulk goalkicking look impossible for years was - on paper anyway - interesting. Based on the season to this point, the AFL may have finally achieved its long quest to artificially inflate scoring. The question was whether we could take advantage without shipping 32 goals in reply down the other end. Delightfully, in this case anyway, the answer was yes. I'm still expecting the remaining 22 games to be a rollercoaster ride of epic proportions, but winning before Round 6 is an improvement on last year.

Speaking of rollercoasters, they've been pushed one level down the excitement charts by the Melbourne Football Club Home Game Experience. Somebody did Certificate IV in Crowd Engagement over summer and came back with ideas. Like having individual goal songs for players, but a different tune after the first goal of each game. With a massive 433 votes were cast, the winner was Let Me Entertain You. Which seems like a good idea until it's played when the other side already has eight goals. As for the individual songs, Oscar Berry allegedly chose Dora The Explorer which is either treating this concept with the respect it deserves, or a hazing ritual by teammates.

We're told kids will like it. Kids also like sticking forks in light sockets and making Rice Bubbles on your kitchen tiles. Does any of this really matter? Probably not, but I'd like to see evidence that this stuff attracts and retains fans more than just having a good side, otherwise we're working off the vibe that people are entertained by 1997 Robbie Williams songs. It seems to go down well in Brisbane, but they've also just won two flags. What happens if you're shit? Do they keep playing the songs during thrashings? Imagine a dark day when we're 89 points down with eight seconds to go in the last quarter, kick the least consoling consolation goal of all time and peppy music blares out across a mostly empty ground. Hopefully, the MCC's resident DJ has the authority to shut down Winamp if things get grim.

I'm not the target market for three hours of sonic assault, but I'll reluctantly assume there's some logic behind it. What really turned me off was the CEO turning up in the papers to spruik it, as if people who read The Age were going to be impressed. The vom bag was officially deployed at the suggestion that we're emulating basketball's all-important "two hours of entertainment whiplash". Look how well that worked for [insert enormous list of failed NBL franchises]. This is the worst media moment for our administration since the 2017 New York Yankees debacle, especially when they went to all that trouble, then the smug plonker writing the story opens it with cheeseboard gags. 

As far as minnow behaviour goes, it's like Equatorial Guinea putting out a press release promoting the colour of their Olympic uniforms. Hopefully it roped in somebody who likes loud noises to replace me. I was already cranky after finding out Level 4 of the Ponsford was closed for Round 1 (Might run for the board just to complain about this in the candidate statements), before reading that article put me right off. Usually I'll do whatever it takes to get to the first home game, but couldn't be arsed going through the 312 steps required to get there and listen to 100% Stadium Hits Volume 8. 

Stiff shit for missing out on a memorable win because of political protest, but they've got my membership money - including the all-important/mostly futile Grand Final ticket guarantee - so I stayed home with a clear conscience and had a mostly enjoyable time with one of the most sensible broadcast teams Fox Footy has ever had. Until they do the right thing and rescue Jason Bennett, give me Matt Hill and Corbin Middlemas over a shrieking lunatic on Channel 7 anytime. It's a shame all the 'official' highlights are poisoned for all eternity by being taken from the Seven coverage.

The best thing about this game was turning up properly equipped for what qualifies under modern standards as a shootout. In our glory era we'd have won 70-60, and I'd have been happy, but it's nice to take advantage of the limited time when new rules are helping scoring before the coaches all say "Alright, enough of that", and games return to normal. During the week I started to get spam comments from some eastern mystic who promised reunions with long lost loved ones through the power of spellcasting. I thought of writing back and ordering peak Steven May. That might come in handy later, but was not required here. We rose to the challenge, kicked our highest score against Lyon in nearly 20 seasons, and found that it helped to give van Rooyen a proper key forward friend.

I know you can't pull experienced key forwards off the shelf, and they did make half-baked attempts to get Joe Daniher or Taylor Walker last year, but put the equivalent of Brodie Mihocek in our forward line 12 months ago maybe a year of JVR's development doesn't go up in flames. As an added bonus, it meant Petty could go back where he belongs and start building a long-term partnership with Turner. I sensed disaster when we only picked one ruckman, but more of my 2025 dreams came true a year late when Petty was used as the backup instead. I suppose the argument against using a backman as second ruck is that it throws the defensive matchups out, but here's van Rooyen's performance being enough to convince them to leave him down there for good.

This year, there was no false alarm goal 11 seconds into Round 1. Instead, we had Jack Steele flushing out the nerves of playing against his old side by kicking the ball straight to one of them. He'd have been lucky to find an old teammate considering the cavalcade of randoms who've joined the Saints this year. I don't wish their club any specific harm, but they've stuffed so much money into the top end of the team it'll be interesting to see what happens by the end of the year. Hopefully for them, a reserves team losing to Casey by 100 in a practice match isn't a reflection on the available depth. We don't play them again, so none of this is our concern.

I've had enough of hearing about how we cocked up that game, so turned on the coverage 10 minutes late to avoid the inevitable video package of us melting down like Chernobyl. Which was, for unclear reasons, played at half time instead. Never mind because you'll never guess which St Kilda player kicked the first goal, which made it three in a row dating back to last year and the slowest hat trick ever recorded. 

This led to the one flaw of the otherwise sensible commentary team, going on about that bloody game at every opportunity, as if we've been permanently scarred by it. Saints fans (who must recognise a real permanently scarring result when they see it) should cherish that remarkable comeback until the day they croak, but I don't know any Melbourne fan who really cares. I'm not for the attempts to reclaim it as a comedy subject just because Jack Viney got three Brownlow votes, but beyond being victims of yet another embarrassing record it's a blip. 

Pre-flag, 186 was haunting because it blew the place up, and the previous champion has only stayed with me for 30+ years because it was the first disastrous result after I'd come out of 1991 absolutely gagging for the 'mons. The Docklands Debacle was humiliating, but if we had to cock-up a dead rubber to prompt important change at the top, I'm not going to consider boiling myself in oil every time it's mentioned. Which, after this, it need not be again. By the media anyway, I reserve the right to discuss it in the proper historical context. And I'll give you one guess what was going through my mind when we couldn't put them away in the last quarter.

Before van Rooyen turned into van Rooting, he set up Windsor's to swoop in for the first goal via inside 50 ruckwork. Never said he shouldn't do it under any circumstances, just not when the stoppage could lead to a 15 metre kick he may get on the end of. I presume they played firstgoal.mp3, not windsor.mp3 because fans who'd turned up for the spectacle didn't set the seats on fire. Just don't accidentally hit windsor-mountbatten.mp3 or we'll be implicated in something terrible.

I did, as commanded, let it entertain me. For about 15 seconds before the Saints canceled it out after batting the ball around their forward line like the Dream Team in Barcelona. Turns out Liam Ryan was part of St Kilda panic buying experienced players like TP during COVID. To nobody's surprise, Lever was not the right matchup for him. Ryan later injured himself taking a huge 'mark' that he never even remotely controlled, and spent the rest of the game looking crocked, so that was handy for us.  

Traditionally it's a good idea to play medium forwards galore against Melbourne (if only out of necessity because your best key forward is more fragile than a Ming vase), but they had the misfortune of running into us on a day we could cover whatever they scored. Say what you like about May, but if watching he'd have been going "Where the fark was this?" after about 15 losses in recent years where we kept the opposition to bugger all, but replied with slightly less than bugger all.

Early on, we looked loose as a goose when the ball went inside 50. The main defenders came good, and had some top moments later but for all the good that came out of this result I wonder how they'll go if the ball is coming towards them at warp speed. That might be the payoff for more open attack, but suggests you'll read "[Team X] kicked eight goals with reply in a blistering second quarter onslaught" at some stage this season.

That goal was followed by another that may have come off Salem's boot, but because they didn't call for a proper replay it survived the express post-goal review. There was no doubting the next one, which was called a goal but shown to have hit the post. This led to David King questioning the goal umpire's competence and hopefully getting sued. It's a good thing we got away with this one, because it came from the first blood-pressure affecting shit free of the season and would've left us three goals down. 

As would their next miss, which inadvertently helped us get going. Jiath and Mihocek welcomed themselves with a lovely kick to and block for van Rooyen respectively, the crowd engaged itself by saying "Roooooo" without having to be told, and he put it through. They looked much more dangerous going forward, but that counted for nothing when JVR got his second straight after. It came via an odd moment when Pickett (L) was tackled with all the prior opportunity in the world but somehow escaped to set up the goal. It probably wasn't technically holding the ball because the tackler let go before Latrelle (never ever 'Trelly', 'Lelly' or similar) dropped to a knee but you'd be howling if it happened at the other end.

The early returns in the Gawn vs Moneybags ruck duel were even, before Max got angry after copping a poke in the eye. At first, when he went down like a sack of the finest substance known to man, I thought it was a bit early in the season for taking what we're now free to admit was an Oliver vs West Coast style dive. Whether it warranted the full plummet is for somebody else to argue, but it fired him up to a great performance so make like the Pixies and gouge away.

We had chances at the end of the quarter. Sharp hit the post but got bowled over in the process, leading to the umpire asking him if he wanted to take the point or have another kick. Strange question to ask when the only possible time anyone's going to decline is if the point just won the game, or they bring back automatic priority picks. Didn't matter, his set shot hit the same post. I think they're too generous in paying these frees (and there was a one against Petty later that was morally bullshit), but if the contact is bad enough to warrant another shot, shouldn't you get the original point plus the result of the free kick? Seems like a good idea until somebody wins on a seven point play and society collapses.

The same post got another workout when Jack Silvagni did a weird miskick and Turner let rip with a bomb from distance, before the quarter ended with Mihocek following a tremendous lead with a tremendously bad set shot. His next kick was even worse, coming on the half back flank and costing a goal. He'd already shown value with the block for van Rooyen so there was no question of looking for the receipt, and for the rest of the game he was "where have you been all my recent life?" levels of good. It started with taking a difficult bouncing ball, spinning away from goal, then snapping it through.

This begat Langford setting up van Rooyen's third, before Pickett (L) did one of the more exciting debut goals you'll ever see:

LATRELLE PICKETT'S FIRST AFL GOAL WAS SIMPLY REMARKABLE 🔥#AFLDeesSaints pic.twitter.com/3kC9ZSWuCL

— AFL (@AFL) March 15, 2026

It's quite extraordinary. He got to the boundary line with no opponents nearby, then hit the turbo button to go through them at right angles. Has anyone ever cut across a field like that before a snap? In all the excitement, let's not forget Gawn's overhead handball, the clearing kick by Jiath's, and Tholstrup stuffing it down Pickett's throat. This is actual matchday entertainment, not flashing LED lights and snippets of Fatman Scoop. At the risk of being cancelled, I thought the Mason Wood one where he gathered and didn't break stride before kicking was 'better', but in the same way an arthouse Swedish film is 'better' than a Hollywood blockbuster. Latrelle's was pure box office and the other will probably never be seen again.

Other than that, his debut was good enough without being spectacular. It did include the world record (post-1999 anyway) for most bounces on debut with six, which was almost one per possession. Boffins will know how many people have had more bounces than possessions, but good luck beating Heath Shaw's 19/15 in 2009. That was clearly a glory era for bouncing, because just when you think you know all the negative stats we've been associated with, guess who facilitated Nathan Bock's record 20 in a game? The closest Melbourne player I can find to a 1:1 ratio with the investigation time available was Pickett (B) at 11/15. 

If you ever wonder why these posts take so long to come out, it's usually because I'm manually looking up some obscure stat. Like how this was our first six bounce game since Jayden Hunt in the infamous R23, 2017 disaster. And how our top bouncers in 2022 and 2023 only had eight for the season. That didn't stop us being good in those years (finals excluded), but it's a fair old change in philosophy. We'll see what happens when the opposition know what to expect, but after our spiral into on-field boredom over the last two years I'll take any sort of excitement and flair on offer. I don't know if we're good, but we're certainly interesting.

Sensible investors bought stock in Mihocek after his flub early in the second quarter, because I don't care if Chandler meant to kick it to him in the middle of a Shanghai traffic jam, he took the sort of mark we've been crying out for over the last two years. Unfortunately, the wide open nature of the game meant this was followed by two St Kilda goals. After flailing early with the difficult task of playing as a defender on Wanganeen-Milera, Tholstrup got better, but missed a sitter that would've come in handy. Serves him right for picking the worst song ever recorded as his goal music. 

The kick from Culley that set him up deserved better, and I'd like to officially announce I'm going all-in and declaring him my favourite player. Tom McSizzle has given us great service since he used to indulge my Twitter gimmicks in the wild west early days of the medium, but even he'd understand the lure of Culleymania. Yes, I am aware Max Gawn exists, but picking our all-time greatest player is lazier than growing up and deciding to go for Collingwood because everyone else does. 

Never thought I'd hitch my wagon to somebody named Jai but here we are. Apologies to him in advance for any misfortune that befalls him as a result of this affiliation. The busted arm came first, you can't hold me responsible. I do like how it's left him doing a reverse Adem Yze - instead of having semi-long sleeves from shouder to elbow, he's got the medical one going the other way. Like Purcell and Kentfield's medical devices before him, I say keep it on even after it's no longer required. It'll be the most memorable footy accessory since Phil Narkle's stack hat.

After Culley was ripped off out of credit by Tholstrup's shank, he did one that cost Petty a spot in the highlights with a missed set shot. Culley never got the chance to miss without Petty running back with the flight against two forwards and beating them both. It was the lesser seen five point turnaround. Would've helped settle the nerves going into half time, especially after JVR had just hoofed through his fifth from outside 50. There was loose half time talk on TV about how no Melbourne player had kicked double figures since Garry Lyon in 1994 and van Rooyen proceeded to not go near it for a quarter. Still, it was a quality performance and hopefully his confidence is sky high because now he's broken cover they'll be coming for him from every direction.

Things were going better than expected, but the margin was only two points, and now we were in the mix to win there was no longer tolerance for the honourable loss I'd have reluctantly taken before the first bounce. So no arguments when a Gawn/Pickett (K) centre bounce masterclass set up Chandler 10 seconds into the third quarter. He missed, and by the time I looked up the Saints were down the other end kicking a goal. Then they got another via a player who looked like a Football Manager regen and I thought we might be able to go under. Apparently not, and five goals later we were back in front at three quarter time.

This may have been the first quarter we've been involved in for ages that the AFL could send to the international market as a good example of the game. Nobody overseas would care, but it was a rare case of a Melbourne game with two clubs playing high scoring, attractive, open football. I'd like to think somebody would be watching in the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg and say, "yeah, but why's nobody sitting at the top of that stand behind the goals?"

With the lead regularly swinging back and forth, Mihocek and Culley got goals while the Saints were wasting chances all over the place - including one otherwise perfect pass that bounced off a player's chest like he was made of trampoline. This opened the door for Chandler and Steele to make it an 11 point game. In in the spirit of the quarter we quickly turned that into a one point deficit. But enter Pickett (K) with one of his casual snaps around the corner, which wouldn't have worked had anybody bothered to stand on the line. To prove this, he tried the same thing later with players in the way and didn't go close to scoring.

Thanks to Justin Longmuir's diversionary claims that Opening Round was to blame for his side falling to bits, I expected to be overrun in the final term. Then Gawn kicked the first goal, played the entire quarter without a break, and further cemented his status as a legend. It's a waste of cement at this point because only the drunk and/or senile could argue against his status. If I haven't already said it on here, I think he's a better candidate for our best player ever than anyone from the 50s/60s glory era because we've been somewhere between average and rubbish for the majority of his career. 

Ironically, after cracking the shits with unnecessary music, the majority of the last quarter was spent with my kid in the next room running through all the demonstration songs on an electronic keyboard regardless of what was happening in the game. At least she didn't do an interview with The Age about how exciting it was.

After nearly handing the Gawn goal right back I was still bracing for our Freo style collapse when van Rooyen got his sixth. This made up for Culley being touched up to within an inch of his life in a marking contest right in front of goal. If Fritsch went back and had the set shot immediately after, instead of getting excited and botching the opportunity by trying to play on quickly we'd have had a handy gap. Not that you'd trust any Melbourne lead for obvious reasons but it would've helped. 

Especially when our old chum Nasiah kicked the next one. You can imagine the carry on if he led another great victory against us, so thanks to whoever decided to sit him on the bench for half the quarter. Not like they didn't have chances though, I was clenched to the point of producing diamonds when they missed a bunch of shots in the middle of the quarter. 

Enter Culley, whose big mark (note to umpires and Mark of the Year judges - ball actually controlled) ended in a Sharp goal. This may have been the best quarter Sharp has ever played for us. Maybe starting him as sub nine times last year wasn't playing to the strengths of somebody partly recruited for their endurance running? He's still going to be on the fringe of the team, but this was a positive. Less so his choice of Sweet Caroline, which I didn't hate until people started singing along at sports. It happened here, all but ensuring this post-goal shit will be around forever. Just wait until it happens when we're 62 points down. If people still sing along then we're a lost cause and the next step will be infantile call-and-response noises like the Big Bash.

Until my seven point free kick rule is introduced, a margin of 13 in the dying minutes is just enough breathing room to think you should win, even if it's not guaranteed. Hence why it put the fear of god into me when they got it back to seven. That's gettable in seconds, even without reference to previous contests between these teams. Remember the Round 1 against GWS where they got a goal with seconds left, and the siren only just beat Scully booting the ball inside 50 again? It robbed him of a satisfying win after we'd spent the day hanging shit on him in the traditional manner, but I'm sure he was just happy to be playing (for the enormous paycheque).

I was especially nervy because the ball had been pinging out of the middle all day, so there was no guarantee that one goal didn't immediately become another. This despite Gawn leading De Koning around to the point where David King went for his second borderline slanderous comment of the day by suggesting Maximum had not only physically but "mentally" broken his opponent. And he kept going on about it for the rest of the game. I'm fine with the alleged mental breakage, and you can't really claim the comments will diminish your future earnings when you've got a long term contract, but even I thought it was a bit harsh pointing it out repeatedly.

If mental breakage is your thing, feel free to consider my reaction if we'd lost from this point. Last year's collapse was severe, but in such a pointless game that you could only laugh. This time I'd have kicked the TV in. Thanks then to Fritsch, who turned up for the sealer and allowed us to relax until the final siren. Steven King was rightfully elated, and may it be the first of many joyful moments for all of us. He was in charge for two Gold Coast wins as caretaker but the emotion would be intensified x1000 after waiting six months to see how the philosophies you've been trying to teach players are going to turn out in real life. Pretty good based on this, but I'm still a bit worried about how quickly the ball is getting into our defence.

While I still have issues with Simon Goodwin's 2025 campaign, his contribution to all the good stuff that happened before that should be cherished. HOWEVER, it's eye-raising that in the post-match interview, original recipe Pickett talked about the new coach making things "fun" for them again. I don't know if that's just the benefit of a new voice and the enjoyment value will wear off as the season slogs through winter, or whether the place got miserable last year beyond the normal levels you'd expect from a team crash landing after a (relative) glory era. 

The impulsive part of my brain is fanging for an in-depth, Royal Commission-level expose of what happened at Melbourne over the last few years, but the rational bit says best wait a few years until it won't be a distraction for the current group. Until then, I believe that flogging Petracca for picks, paying Oliver to go elsewhere, and encouraging May to seek alternative opportunities will help us in the end. Let the most boring people in Australia hang shit on us for letting them go, it's done now, enjoy the benefits. I wish them all well, hope Petracca wins the Brownlow, and for once want a Gold Coast vs GWS Grand Final for reasons other than spitefully ruining the experience for other fans, but if moving on looks like it did Sunday afternoon, then viva la revolution. 

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Caleb Windsor
2 - Brody Mihocek
1 - Jai Culley

Major apologies to Petty and Turner. Quite substantial apologies to Chandler, K. Pickett and Steele.

Statistical wankery alert - Mihocek becomes the 144th men's, and 190th player overall to score votes. Which has to be as satisfying as the time he won a flag.

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Apologies to the Chandler and JVR long bombs, but it can only be Latrelle Pickett's wild angle. Not bad for a first go, I think he can do something even more outrageous.

Next week
Back to Premiership Stadium for the first time under our new management. The good news for the Freo coach is that both teams played the week before so nobody's got the alleged unfair advantage. I'd like to go with the same team, but there's no chance we're getting away without a second ruckman against them so with no respect whatsoever for team balance or positioning, I'm shifting Sparrow to make room. What does this leave Heath doing when not rucking? Buggered if I know, but he's going to have fit in there somewhere.

I wouldn't bet a kidney on us winning, but I'd like to think we'll put on a decent showing.

IN: Heath
OUT: Sparrow (omit)
LUCKY: Tholstrup (?)
UNLUCKY: Practically everyone who played for Casey.

Final thoughts
Couldn't ask for a better start. Now that I know we win at the end, coming from behind multiple times, then holding on in the last quarter is a better trial for the future than unexpectedly tonking them by 10 goals. If there's any other business arising please get in contact via the usual channels, otherwise let the madness begin.