Gravity catches up

It took five weeks of the season, but we've finally got some sort of answer to "what happens against decent sides?" If our inaugural game against Port is anything to go by, we'll have a fair crack and look good for parts of the game, but find out that you can't play [unfurl long list of shite teams] every week. I doubt Port will go anywhere near the flag (and aren't we all just playing to be in the right place at the right time if North stack it) but they had us covered here more comfortably than the margin would suggest.

I've got some sympathy with Port as a club due to the Choke Yourself With A Tie incident in 2004, but can't take the nuffies who express themselves via middle finger and community singing. It helps that I've still never met a genuine Port Adelaide fan since 1996. It made sense to do the scarves aloft power balladry for a game at their spiritual home, but it did come off a bit sad compared to a (relatively) full stadium doing it. 

Their cheersquad also had a self-promoting banner that included adjectives about what they offer to the supporting experience, which is the supporter version of having to explain a joke. Who am I to try and analyse what's going on in that part of the world. All I know is that they went home on the winning side, and I don't know whether it's full "back to the drawing board" stuff with us considering how limited the range of options are, but it's confirmation as far as I'm concerned that we could make finals, but are STUFF ALL chance of a flag unless North go into recess mid-season.

The camera angle at the centre bounce was another South Australian innovation, with the diagonal angle their most novel contribution to footy since calculating percentage in an offbeat way. The non-traditional viewing continued once play started. All non-centre camera shots came from the usual side-on viewpoint, but we were being put under an uncharacteristic level of pressure. I don't think we've struggled to move the ball like this since last year's Windy Hill Massacre. Port put the brakes on our ball movement, causing mass panic to break out.

We survived two early behinds before concededing after what looked suspiciously like one of those throws where the other hand is held close enough to the ball that the umpire fools themselves into believing it was real. Non-stop whinging about umpires having to make interpretations is what's going to land us with this nonsense last touch rule in the men's competition, and the way holding/dropping/disposing of the ball is umpired in AFLW they may as well cut out the middle person and introduce the old VFA throw pass.

I may be against the last touch rule (partially because of the stupid pantomime motion the boundary umpires have to do), but it did set up our first chance. In a sign of things to come, Zanker missed what I would deem - as an unfit, middle-aged man with knees you'd shoot a racehorse for - an easy shot. You already got the idea that this wasn't going to be a classic by the time we'd struggled to match their two behinds.

Other than the Zanker miss we hadn't looked remotely dangerous going forward, and I thought there was going to be dual umpiring chaos when the Port forward turned/ducked into a ripper of a tackle from Heath, but sanity prevailed and it was called holding the ball. Bannan nearly nicked one during some sustained pressure at the end but missed her snap from the square.

They got the only goal of the quarter, while we'd kicked the least scary 0.4 of all time. The ludicrous idea of "if they'd kicked 4.0 instead they'd be miles in front" has been discussed before, and you never know what one goal will lead to, but we just looked inept forward. Strangely, Gall nearly got her career high disposals in the first quarter while playing into a reasonable wind, before proceeding to go without a touch once we were kicking with the breeze.

This was all ok if we took advantage of the wind. Which we didn't, and the second quarter was more missed shots until it got to the same 0.6 I was ruthlessly extracting the piss out of Richmond for last week. We did get a goal, but the best bit was Harris taking personal offence to a smothered kick and BURYING her opponent after they picked up the ball. That was about it for highlights, and by the time Port got their third goal we were on the verge of folding before half time for the first time since the original Great Injury Crisis last year. 

We stayed alive from the next bounce when Harris landed a lovely kick on Wotherspoon, who handballed to a passing Hore for the much-needed goal - and as it turns out our only one for the half. Sure we nearly came back to win this, but it was still as convincing as a get well card from the Tobin Brothers. The margin got to 17 points in the third quarter before, having failed to create goals via all the usual methods, we had to wait for Hore to get clubbed in the head by a tackle for a second goal. 

Under normal circumstances you'd say at least we were coming home with the wind, but it didn't do us much bloody good the first time. I may have been more confident if we'd got one goal closer by three quarter time then hope the opposition died in the arse due to furious pressure, but we blew multiple chances with forward entries that failed to recognise that the best thing about our attack is their marking. Individually, I think all our forwards are great, but there's no doubt the forward line is too tall - especially when they have to send Pearce and/or Campbell down there as well. Not a lot we can do about this now, but for god's sake please scour the lands for a crumber in the off-season.

Any hope of The Great Escape in the last quarter started with shoelace headband enthusiast Wotherspoon, then seemingly ended when we conceded about a minute later. But all was not lost, Harris kicked a ripper of a set shot from distance to make it 10 points with nine minutes left. This was hardly insurmountable, but required two goals without answer after making the previous four look more complicated than the space program.

By now Port were holding on, lucky to be playing against a forward line converting chances at sarcastic 'much vaunted' levels. Our last hope was a free to Hore on an obscure angle, and she kicked a ripper to bring the margin under a goal with 90 seconds. After assuming we'd lose for about 2.5 quarters, it was carn the reverse mozz as we threatened a daylight robbery style pinch. And cripes, it almost happened, as we went forward again but Fitzsimon's poked kick at an open goal missed. If Port had any hospitality they'd have stuffed the kick-in straight down the throat of one of our players 20 metres out directly in front, but disappointingly they prioritised winning and survived until the final siren. 

Is this the first time we've lost our inaugural game against a side since kicking ourselves to death againt St Kilda in their first year? On to the next one I suppose, where hopefully both Melbourne AFLW and I find more inspiration.

2025 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Kate Hore
--- The distance you'd get by lining up every human to have lived since the dawn of time ---
4 - Tayla Harris
3 - Tyla Hanks
2 - Maeve Chaplin
1 - Eden Zanker

Apologies to Gall, Heath, Paxman, Taylor and Zanker

Leaderboard
There's as much chance of somebody outside the top two winning this as there is of world peace breaking out by lunchtime Thursday, so strap yourself in for an epic Clash of the Titans from here. 

19 - Tyla Hanks, Kate Hore
10 - Tayla Harris
9 - Maeve Chaplin (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
6 - Olivia Purcell
5 - Paxy Paxman
3 - Shelley Heath
2 - Eliza McNamara
1 - Megan Fitzsimon, Saraid Taylor (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Eden Zanker

Goal of the Week
It's obviously the Hore set shot, why wouldn't it be? Does not topple her own clubhouse leader from the Collingwood game.

Next Week
It's the day you've been waiting for, Daisy Pearce Medal Contenders vs Daisy Pearce Coached Team. We've treated the Eagles like roadkill, never losing by less than 59 points and holding them to three goals total across three games, but while they're clearly improving we should still start red hot favourites. There's even good news on the injury front, with Gillard and Goldrick both a chance to return. Cancel your Rent-A-Player annual subscription. He says before 14 players get hurt in the first quarter.

Final thoughts
In the spirit of openness and honesty for the three people who read this far, I'm getting a bit frustrated watching this league due to the enormous gap between best and worst players. Obviously it's on the way to being more balanced thanks to increased pathways etc... etc... but 10 seasons in teams are fielding players who may have looked perfectly reasonable in the early days, but now look like they won a competition to be out there. I swear this has nothing to do with us losing for the first time all year.