Remember when I implied that injuries were the only thing that could stop us this year? Forget our first two games being against glorified byes, it was premiership glory if everyone remained healthy right? Well, we nearly had to activate Rent-A-Player in Round 3, and only survived a scare against the reigning wooden spooner because they missed two set shots in the last minute. This could go anywhere.
According to this, Collingwood have provided the 'blueprint' on how to beat us. Not to downplay their performance, but I reckon losing five premiership players from the warmup of one game to quarter time of the next had a bit to do with it. For now, we only had to name the fill-in players as emergencies, but their time is coming. I'm not saying the club is ready to field randoms, but one of the ringers already has an official profile picture.
First, Lampard went before the bounce last week. Usually when somebody's hurt in the warmup they're removed as a precaution, miss a week then come back. In this case, she's out for a week x7, so that's a bit shit. Then Purcell's knee exploded, and we'll be lucky to see her again by Round 1 next year, which is even shitter. We knew about those injuries, but were obviously distracted clapping like seals at St Kilda being demolished to notice Mackin B following the lead of Mackin A and suffering a knee injury which will effectively end her season. Then, to prove that Lady Luck is a filthy anti-Irish racist, sometime between our already massive injury list being posted and selection, Goldrick did a shoulder.
Other than Purcell and Gillard, the rest of the A+ inner circle has survived until now, but soon there'll be six of then turning up to training and meeting the rest of the list for the first time. That's if the fill-ins don't stop answering our calls because they don't want to play in such a dangerous environment. People will be more interested in being recruited bythe Russian Army than us if this goes much further.
So, with all that going on and a few players who would have to admit they're only in the side because everyone else is hurt, I had no expectation of another rampant victory. I'm sure the opposition also had a few novelty players in their side, and one player who ended up with zero disposals, but considering who was missing and that we were fielding the tallest forward line in history when it had been pissing down raining all morning, I had some concerns. Gambling on AFLW is morally one step above shoving $50 notes into a poker machine but when I saw we were $1.05 favourites, I did wonder what sort of point start you could get on the Pies.
My spidey senses about an upset went into overdrive when rain started banging down again at the first bounce. It didn't stop us getting the ball inside 50, but while you could understand two dropped marks in the conditions, we had bugger all going on at ground level to compensate. On our third attempt, Bannan held one and converted from almost the same spot I did in a half-arse game on the same ground 15 years ago. This one went through the traditional way, unlike when I got ludicrously close to the mark, booted it practically straight up in the air, and relied on wind/divine intervention to carry it through. Also, Bannan is getting paid to be a professional athlete while I was a fat bloke already past his limited best even then.
We seemed the better team, but the lower the scores on a wet ground, the more chance of the opposition pulling something out of their collective arse. Just because the first two opponents of the year had been run into the ground until they lost the will to live, it didn't mean the same thing was going to happen now. It still appeared to be heading in the right direction when Zanker gently shifted her opponent out of the way like a cardboard cutout to kick the second. Alas, the two goal advantage didn't last long. From the bounce, Collingwood went inside 50 where Campbell spilt a mark at full extension and the ball fell straight into the path of a forward to be wobbled through.
It was a good reminder not to let them get too many long kicks into attack, especially with the most homebrand backline we've ever fielded. It was Chaplin, and teammates with about 12 games combined experience. Adjusted for the opposition having nearly zero firepower in attack, they did very well. The obvious emotional highlight was the father/daughter debut of Jemma Rigoni, but after a season of Langdon and Culley wearing beach-towel sized headbands I was right into Wotherspoon reemerging as a defender with a shoelace tied around her head. She looks mean, and in an unrestricted, WWE-style atmosphere you could imagine her slipping it off and strangling an opponent behind the umpire's back.
The fun thing about father/etc... selections is thatit means heaps to the father, his teammates, and the fans, but generally stuff all to the new player's teammates. Hardly any of our side were aged in double figures when Guy played his last game, much less in his earlier peak. They're hardly likely to get misty eyed about the romanticism of it all, and are more likely to care that Rigoni held her own in a drastically understrength backline.
I know the broadcasters are a bit half-arsed in their commitment to AFLW but you can never fault the enthusiasm of the commentators, so I felt bad for them when they kept referencing 'pressure' figures that were never shown on the screen. In isolation the pressure gauge is worth as much as hitouts or inside 50s, but they did well not to crack the shits at being hung out to look like they were just inventing these already basically made up numbers.
With a final scare at Collingwood's end in the dying seconds, we got to quarter time more than a goal ahead. On recent results you'd think this was just the warm-up for pissbolting away with the game later, but given our rapidly diminishing lineup I was lightly bricking it. Just when you thought we'd had enough injury drama, it was red-alert at Rent A Player HQ when Heath departed with what later was revealed as an elevated heart rate. That's a new one. The only fit player left on the list without a game is called Dethridge, and she's going to get a game due to a Black De(a)th style injury crisis.
You'd think we'd be able to win just by brute force getting of the ball inside 50, but this didn't take into account shitloads of dropped marks (understandable in the conditions) and the ball exiting at full pelt when we didn't kick goals (understandable given the lack of small forwards). A surprise, short-lived burst of sunshine came at the start of the quarter but the ground and ball were still wet, and the forwards struggle to hold the ball.
We almost got lucky when Zanker dropped another mark, but it spilt into the path of Harris storming the goalsquare. Who am I to tell her what to do, but a kick off the ground may have done more than trying to pick up and being tackled. Otherwise, Harris didn't kick goals but did some great work further up the ground and earned the rare distinction of 2/3rds of the week's Mark of the Year nominations. More importantly, she even looked like being injured but will presumably trip over the couch and do an everything mid-week.
Hore finally held a mark but missed her shot, and the door remained wide open. It was left swinging off its hinges when Collingwood kicked a goal from a difficult angle to cut the gap to a point. Forget the point start, now it looked like anyone who backed the Pies at the full $10.50 would get a run for their money. The Chaplin + randos backline had to hold out under pressure for several minutes, before we nearly pulled off a counter-attacking coup in the last minute. It died when Gall's choice of kick while too far out to score was a 10 metres pass to Pisano, but that helped run the clock down to half time. We were a point up, but goalless for the term and in a fair old spot of shit if it started raining again.
It didn't, but we still were, and Collingwood could not be run off. All of a sudden we looked absolutely no chance of kicking a goal from open play, and it took a miracle snap by Hore to get us on the board again. This was much to the delight of a guy in the crowd, whose joy was strangely heard again both times the replay was shown. We nearly got another from the next bounce, but Gall became the latest member of the dropped mark club. Then she benefited from somebody else doing it, as Hore spilt one then set Gall up in the square.
This was all very good, except for conceding one from a scramble not long after. After spilling a couple of regulation marks, Zanker obviously preferred the higher degree of difficulty because she pulled down a contested grab over two players instead. Alas that one, and another shortly after, both missed. We got to the last break four points ahead, but were lucky not to concede a 50 metre penalty right at the end when Pisano blatantly charged off the mark well before the umpire called play on.
Everything got a bit silly for me at this point (even more than writing this post on a keyboard where the spacebar only works about 6/10 times), as I had to drive somewhere but wouldn't have time to do the traditional media blackout/watch the rest on replay. Instead, I listened while driving in the hope that we'd kick a couple of early goals and run out easy winners.
So for the next 15 minutes all I could hear was Collingwood missing chances, until the point where I had to pull over and watch the rest in a generic suburban street. This was good timing, because not long after the ball was finally landed with Hore to goal from close range and give us a six point lead with practically no time remaining. With a six point lead you'd think we could do no worse than a draw, but I've thought that before in 2025 and been disappointed.
The crowd was going as boonta as you can with 2500 people present, and say what you like about Collingwood fans, but I've never seen an anti-social behaviour hotline advertised at a suburban ground before. They nearly pulled off a miracle, first missing a set shot for a BULLSHIT free kick well within range, leaving us just having to get the ball as far away from goal in the final seconds as possible. Which we did, but that wasn't nearly far enough and it came straight back in for another free, and a kick after the siren.
Ludicrously, this was the fourth time we'd faced this situation since 2021. It was a much more difficult shot than the previous one, but their version of a G. Campbell gave it a decent ride before it jointly fell short and hit the post. And thank god for that. Now, let's wrap this up before I drop punt this bloody keyboard over my fence.
2025 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Kate Hore
4 - Tyla Hanks
3 - Maeve Chaplin
2 - Paxy Paxman
1 - Tayla Harris
Apologies to McNamara, O'Hehir, Taylor and Zanker
Leaderboard
Arise the biggest of big hitters, and best of luck to anyone thinking of challenging.
12 - Tyla Hanks
9 - Kate Hore
6 - Tayla Harris, Olivia Purcell
5 - Paxy Paxman
4 - Maeve Chaplin (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
3 - Shelley Heath
1 - Megan Fitzsimon
Goal of the Week
Hore from the pocket was at least 50% more arse than class, but it looked good so ironically in the game where we stopped kicking goals it takes the clubhouse lead in this competition.
Next Week
It's Richmond, who are not very good but perfectly capable of matching us if we don't convert chances and/or lean heavily on the surviving stars. I think we'll win, but while gambling is evil etc... definitely have a responsible bit on Richmond at the line if it's anything under 40 points. At which point I'll hope you lose the lot and we win by 76.
Final thoughts
Enjoy it while you can I reckon.
