Character Assasination

The die was well and truly cast for Melbourne vs Port Adelaide on Thursday night at the selection table.

Dear Clint Bizzell, congratulations on reinvigorating your career over the last few weeks and being one our best defenders – your reward is to be dropped and play against Bendigo in the VFL.

Dear Nathan Carroll, we know your glory era lasted for 10 rounds last season and that you’ve done precisely fuck all this season but we’re also aware that we’ve really got nobody else to play fullback. So we’ll play without one. Off you go.

Dear Paul Johnson, two ruckmen in a team are a luxury these days. We know you’re trying to prove yourself as a second ruckman. So prove it at Sandringham.

Dear Ben Holland, there’s no chance in hell you’ll be on our list next year if we’re anywhere near serious about bouncing back. So please be at the airport at 3.30pm because you’re playing.

What a fucking shambles. It would break my heart in two to think that we’re deliberately throwing it away deliberately, and we did bring back Bruce and Bell, but how else can you explain all of this? Are they trying to get Holland a run in the SANFL next year? One more run in front of his hometown crowd before he’s cast on to the football scrapheap?

And if the result wasn’t abundantly clear then it became obvious that we were sunk before the first bounce when the usual suspects (Godfrey, Miller etc..) tried the always ineffective tactic of roughing their opponents up. The sad thing was you could see that their hearts weren’t really in it – Matthew Bate was bumping off guys without even looking in their eyes. Nobody is scared of us – we’re shit.

Then the game itself started and after a minute we were two goals down, and by the time Port added a third we had a grand total of 1 kick and 1 hitout. An absolute embarrassment was on the cards. And an absolute embarrassment it was. God knows how many goals Juice Newton needs to kick to actually start on the ground. He finally got on and, like the rest of our squad, had no idea. Six goals down at quarter time and you'd almost walk out if you've paid to see it. Don't feel too bad, the players pretty much walked out and they're being paid to be there.

To be entirely honest Holland wasn't awful in the first quarter, but what's wrong with using the players who are going to form a key part of the squad next year? I'm not saying pick a bunch of 13-year-olds and get smashed by 200 but the likes of Johnson and even god forbid Jamar will be on our list next year - surely Holland will not. One thing I will say for him is that at least he gives an honest showing, which is more than you can say for some.

The second quarter was a slight improvement, and by half time we'd actually had more inside 50's than Port. The only difference was that they went inside and kicked goals, and we screwed it up. Port must have taken that stat as a slap in the face as they came out in the third quarter and wrecked us - 8 goals to none in a vicious porking. Good luck getting a decent coach if we keep playing like this for the next week - even Connolly won't want to waste his time in charge of this slop. If you've coached Southern League Division 3 reserves you might just be willing to take a chance with us next year, but if you think somebody like a Michael Voss is going to turn their back on Dick Pratt and his millions of dollars to try and turn our disgraceful list around with a membership that will probably just top 23. Even Glen Jakovich announced that he'd rather coach Carlton than us - why Glen? Bring your brother back for a dreamteam coaching panel.

Much of the justification by people who didn't show up last week was "I don't like watching us get thrashed". Stupidest line of logic ever, and the reason a club like Fitzroy went down the tubes, but I can almost see a point in it. Sadly for me as we have previously discussed it is in my blood like drugs and I simply must sit there and watch no matter what - must seek out dodgy internet cafes halfway across the world just to listen to us concede 40 points to none in the first quarter against Brisbane. I just have to do it.

If the pain of the scoreboard wasn't enough we were treated to some tart screeching over the PA at the start of the last quarter. You've taken our dignity you bint, don't take our hearing.

An interesting moment in the last when Bell decked some crunt with a shepherd and convicted felon Dean Brogan fronted up to him. Instead of pushing back, belting him or showing some sort of balls Bell stood there and 'argued' with Brogan about he hadn't done anything. It was like watching somebody who has stepped on the foot of a bikie in a bar and is frantically apologising to avoid getting murdered. The difference is that in the real world you might end up in a shallow grave in the Otways, but on an AFL field the worst you can get is a bit of a slap around the head. So SHOW SOME FUCKING BALLS.

Interesting allegations from the commentary team as well that our main contact with Michael Voss so far has been a text message. Surely that was Clinton Grybas injecting some color into the call to stop us all from changing channels to the Simpsons rather than legitimate fact. If it's true then sack the board and the football department as well. In fact just shut the whole fucking club down, I've had enough.

There's some upside I suppose. Don't know where it is but it's there somewhere. As much as I can see that his defensive work is emerging please don't let James Frawley ever kick under pressure. I haven't seen a style like that since James Manson - he takes an extra half a second than everyone else to get the ball on the boot.

The first reaction is to lose the plot and demand everybody be sacked. So that's what I'm going to do. Fuck them all off pretty much to a man - of the people who played tonight I'd suggest that if new coach Mr. X is serious we are unlikely to see half of them next year. You have to wonder just how much Neitz has left in the tank - the last few weeks have seen him looking like a shell of his former self. I honestly doubt he'll even make it to the end of next year the way it's going.

Miller must go. I can't stress this enough. He bounces from one end of the field to the other on a weekly basis and isn't good enough to play either - we've got to send him to another club for the good of both parties.

Votes

These are very forced. I don't think anybody deserves one, but lets just hand some out anyway.

5 - Green
4 - Jones
3 - White
2 - Bate
1 - Frawley

Apologies to Holland (at least he had a crack), Wheatley, small children who may have been traumatised for life, and anyone who wasted their money going to Adelaide to watch this.

2007 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard

27 - McDonald
23 - Green
19 - Bruce
19 - Jones
17 - Bate
16 - White
12 - Wheatley (Shock Leader: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
11 - Johnstone
10 - Rivers
10 - Davey
9 - McLean
8 - Miller
8 - Godfrey
7 - Sylvia
6 - Neitz
6 - Robertson
6 - Bizzell
6 - Moloney
5 - Yze
5 - Bell
5 - Petterd (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
5 - Brown
3 - Holland
3 - Newton
2 - Dunn
2 - Carroll
1 - Frawley
1 - Pickett

Loungeroom Watch
I didn't break anything. What's the point?

Fashion Watch
Why the fuck were we wearing the "away" shirt? Since when has red and blue clashed with teal and black? Who makes these decisions anyway? Crackheads.

Next Week
Sydney at Manuka. I'm going. Why? Fucked if I know. Depending on the result I might come back via the Belangalo State Forest and stay there. Barry Hall vs Ryan Ferguson? Oh fuck me surely you're kidding - I guess they may as well drag Miller out for the one job he can actually do without making a dick of himself.

Notes From A Scandal

Well what else is there to say? The season not only goes from bad to worse on-field, but it's threatening to fall apart something shocking off field as well. Crowd watch? What fucking crowd? Melbourne fans have officially proven themselves to be as weak as piss. Who would have ever thought that we'd have been outdrawn by North in a Melbourne game. The twilight football shite didn't help, but fucking hell there must have been 5000 of our people there at the absolute maximum. If we had a run like Carlton have had for the last five years we'd either be playing on the Gold Coast or in the tip a'la Fitzroy.

The game itself? Well you all know what happened by now. We did nothing after the 20 minute mark of the first quarter, Juice Newton took mark of the year and we mounted the pissiest comeback of all time at the end of the third quarter. Positively thrilling stuff - I don't know why I showed up, but I did because this club runs in my veins like drugs.

There really is nothing else to say. Our season has hit a depressing low and the suggestion that somehow we're going to end up with Chris Connolly as the coach makes it that much worse. Who in their right mind is going to employ him as our coach? What has he ever done at Fremantle? If you can't coach a team with Pavlich up front how are you going to get anywhere with Brad Miller? Fuck that for a joke - I've said it before and I'll say it again I want THE JUNKYARD DOG. When was the last time we had a coach who reminded you of a serial killer? All this softly softly stuff has gotten us nowhere, we need a psycho. Vote 1 JYD.

2007 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

So? Catch up votes for what I've missed? Why not. For the Carlton and Brisbane games I'll use the top 5 in the BigFooty forum voting. So if you've got any problems with it blame yourself and your peers not me. How the hell was I supposed to know what was actually going on from a dodgy internet cafe half the world away?

vs. Carlton

5 - Wheatley
4 - Bate
3 - McDonald
2 - White
1 - Bizzell

And congratulations to Mark Riley for winning his first game. Odds on he'll do a Greg Hutchison and not win again until Round 22. And then end up at Richmond or something, the poor bastard.

vs. Brisbane/Fitzroy Bears/Lions (delete as applicable)

5 - McLean
4 - McDonald
3 - Brown
2 - Wheatley
1 - Jones

No apologies to Davey who needs a swift kick in the arse for getting himself suspended. If we were legitimate about player discipline he'd come back via the 2nd's - and as an additional bonus all you swine who want us to tank it would be getting something as well.

vs. North Melbourne
5 - Jones
4 - Moloney
3 - Newton
2 - McDonald
1 - Bizzell

Apologies and no apologies simultaneously to Sylvia who went missing in the second quarter after being prominent first up.

Leaderboard

And on the back of three straight scores in Cam Bruce's absence the Junior Burger storms to the top of the pops at a million miles an hour. Wheatley also storms out of midfield and into the upper echelon on the back of two top weeks in a row, and takes what might be an unbeatable shock lead in the Seecamp Medal count for defender of the year. Juice Newton scores his first points of the year and with Petterd out for the season the big man is every possible chance of adding the prestigious Jeff Hilton Medal to his Mark Of the Year award.

27 - McDonald
19 - Bruce
18 - Green
15 - Bate
15 - Jones
13 - White
12 - Wheatley (Leader: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
11 - Johnstone
10 - Rivers
10 - Davey
9 - McLean
8 - Miller
8 - Godfrey
7 - Sylvia
6 - Neitz
6 - Robertson
6 - Bizzell
6 - Moloney
5 - Yze
5 - Bell
5 - Petterd (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
5 - Brown
3 - Holland
3 - Newton
2 - Dunn
2 - Carroll
1 - Pickett

Next Week
Port Adelaide at Football Park on Sunday. They will beat us like w stole something. Be afraid, be very afraid. To be honest I doubt we'll win another game before Round 22, which will make the game against Carlton VERY interesting. I'd like to think that neither team would chuck the game - in fact I almost know it - but if I have to sit next to some spastic who is cheering against their own side for four quarters I might be moved to glass somebody.

Next Season
Unless we can line up some decent replacements Ward, Wheatley, Godfrey and Bizzell have earned themselves another season in my book. As always though I know fuck all so your opinion and that of the footballing world may differ.

Holland - will go.

Jamar - isn't up to it. Has been passed by Johnson and is looking increasingly like he'll never step up to the plate.

Brown - I appreciate his hard work but he's past it, and has the misfortune of being in a dime-a-dozen position.

Miller - We need to trade Miller him for anything we can get as he will never, EVER be a key player for us.

Yze - Needs to be quietly informed that his time has passed and that he'd be better off pulling the pin.

Carroll - If we could find a better full-back he'd be relegated back to playing Ben Holland as the 2nd string key defender.

Warnock - Only survives because of our criminally shit backline depth.

Johnson - Will get another chance but next year needs to be a breakout year or he'll be lining up in the Diamond Valley league.

Neitz - Will play next year but the poor bastard is rapidly falling apart. How much of the season will he actually manage?

Robertson - See above. Has a bit more in the tank than Neitz but is still likely to completely fall apart at any minute. Get the bulk sticky-tape order ready, it's going to be an interesting year.

White - Has shown a bit in the last few weeks, but doesn't have a tremendously long time left at the top. A ruckman would go nicely alongside a key-position player.

Johnstone - I'll be the first to start the controversy. If we're going to rebuild in even the smallest possible fashion then he is our most expendable senior player. We've got midfielders coming out the arse so if we can use him as part of a ploy to land a key position player or another top 20 pick in the draft then I'm up for it. The naysayers will say nay and the 20,000 members we have who didn't show up on Sunday night will all threaten not to buy memberships next season. Doesn't matter anyway - when Connolly becomes coach nobody will buy one anyway. With apologies - OUT.

Pickett - Cheers for the second half of last year, shame it didn't quite work out. Good luck for the future.

International

Ask yourself this. Why, when our season is as depressingly shit as it is, am I in an internet cafe in Bangkok listening to the Carlton game? Good question. Answers will become clear if we win.