Sunday, 29 July 2007

Character Assasination

The die was well and truly cast for Melbourne vs Port Adelaide on Thursday night at the selection table.

Dear Clint Bizzell, congratulations on reinvigorating your career over the last few weeks and being one our best defenders – your reward is to be dropped and play against Bendigo in the VFL.

Dear Nathan Carroll, we know your glory era lasted for 10 rounds last season and that you’ve done precisely fuck all this season but we’re also aware that we’ve really got nobody else to play fullback. So we’ll play without one. Off you go.

Dear Paul Johnson, two ruckmen in a team are a luxury these days. We know you’re trying to prove yourself as a second ruckman. So prove it at Sandringham.

Dear Ben Holland, there’s no chance in hell you’ll be on our list next year if we’re anywhere near serious about bouncing back. So please be at the airport at 3.30pm because you’re playing.

What a fucking shambles. It would break my heart in two to think that we’re deliberately throwing it away deliberately, and we did bring back Bruce and Bell, but how else can you explain all of this? Are they trying to get Holland a run in the SANFL next year? One more run in front of his hometown crowd before he’s cast on to the football scrapheap?

And if the result wasn’t abundantly clear then it became obvious that we were sunk before the first bounce when the usual suspects (Godfrey, Miller etc..) tried the always ineffective tactic of roughing their opponents up. The sad thing was you could see that their hearts weren’t really in it – Matthew Bate was bumping off guys without even looking in their eyes. Nobody is scared of us – we’re shit.

Then the game itself started and after a minute we were two goals down, and by the time Port added a third we had a grand total of 1 kick and 1 hitout. An absolute embarrassment was on the cards. And an absolute embarrassment it was. God knows how many goals Juice Newton needs to kick to actually start on the ground. He finally got on and, like the rest of our squad, had no idea. Six goals down at quarter time and you'd almost walk out if you've paid to see it. Don't feel too bad, the players pretty much walked out and they're being paid to be there.

To be entirely honest Holland wasn't awful in the first quarter, but what's wrong with using the players who are going to form a key part of the squad next year? I'm not saying pick a bunch of 13-year-olds and get smashed by 200 but the likes of Johnson and even god forbid Jamar will be on our list next year - surely Holland will not. One thing I will say for him is that at least he gives an honest showing, which is more than you can say for some.

The second quarter was a slight improvement, and by half time we'd actually had more inside 50's than Port. The only difference was that they went inside and kicked goals, and we screwed it up. Port must have taken that stat as a slap in the face as they came out in the third quarter and wrecked us - 8 goals to none in a vicious porking. Good luck getting a decent coach if we keep playing like this for the next week - even Connolly won't want to waste his time in charge of this slop. If you've coached Southern League Division 3 reserves you might just be willing to take a chance with us next year, but if you think somebody like a Michael Voss is going to turn their back on Dick Pratt and his millions of dollars to try and turn our disgraceful list around with a membership that will probably just top 23. Even Glen Jakovich announced that he'd rather coach Carlton than us - why Glen? Bring your brother back for a dreamteam coaching panel.

Much of the justification by people who didn't show up last week was "I don't like watching us get thrashed". Stupidest line of logic ever, and the reason a club like Fitzroy went down the tubes, but I can almost see a point in it. Sadly for me as we have previously discussed it is in my blood like drugs and I simply must sit there and watch no matter what - must seek out dodgy internet cafes halfway across the world just to listen to us concede 40 points to none in the first quarter against Brisbane. I just have to do it.

If the pain of the scoreboard wasn't enough we were treated to some tart screeching over the PA at the start of the last quarter. You've taken our dignity you bint, don't take our hearing.

An interesting moment in the last when Bell decked some crunt with a shepherd and convicted felon Dean Brogan fronted up to him. Instead of pushing back, belting him or showing some sort of balls Bell stood there and 'argued' with Brogan about he hadn't done anything. It was like watching somebody who has stepped on the foot of a bikie in a bar and is frantically apologising to avoid getting murdered. The difference is that in the real world you might end up in a shallow grave in the Otways, but on an AFL field the worst you can get is a bit of a slap around the head. So SHOW SOME FUCKING BALLS.

Interesting allegations from the commentary team as well that our main contact with Michael Voss so far has been a text message. Surely that was Clinton Grybas injecting some color into the call to stop us all from changing channels to the Simpsons rather than legitimate fact. If it's true then sack the board and the football department as well. In fact just shut the whole fucking club down, I've had enough.

There's some upside I suppose. Don't know where it is but it's there somewhere. As much as I can see that his defensive work is emerging please don't let James Frawley ever kick under pressure. I haven't seen a style like that since James Manson - he takes an extra half a second than everyone else to get the ball on the boot.

The first reaction is to lose the plot and demand everybody be sacked. So that's what I'm going to do. Fuck them all off pretty much to a man - of the people who played tonight I'd suggest that if new coach Mr. X is serious we are unlikely to see half of them next year. You have to wonder just how much Neitz has left in the tank - the last few weeks have seen him looking like a shell of his former self. I honestly doubt he'll even make it to the end of next year the way it's going.

Miller must go. I can't stress this enough. He bounces from one end of the field to the other on a weekly basis and isn't good enough to play either - we've got to send him to another club for the good of both parties.


These are very forced. I don't think anybody deserves one, but lets just hand some out anyway.

5 - Green
4 - Jones
3 - White
2 - Bate
1 - Frawley

Apologies to Holland (at least he had a crack), Wheatley, small children who may have been traumatised for life, and anyone who wasted their money going to Adelaide to watch this.

2007 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard

27 - McDonald
23 - Green
19 - Bruce
19 - Jones
17 - Bate
16 - White
12 - Wheatley (Shock Leader: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
11 - Johnstone
10 - Rivers
10 - Davey
9 - McLean
8 - Miller
8 - Godfrey
7 - Sylvia
6 - Neitz
6 - Robertson
6 - Bizzell
6 - Moloney
5 - Yze
5 - Bell
5 - Petterd (Leader: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
5 - Brown
3 - Holland
3 - Newton
2 - Dunn
2 - Carroll
1 - Frawley
1 - Pickett

Loungeroom Watch
I didn't break anything. What's the point?

Fashion Watch
Why the fuck were we wearing the "away" shirt? Since when has red and blue clashed with teal and black? Who makes these decisions anyway? Crackheads.

Next Week
Sydney at Manuka. I'm going. Why? Fucked if I know. Depending on the result I might come back via the Belangalo State Forest and stay there. Barry Hall vs Ryan Ferguson? Oh fuck me surely you're kidding - I guess they may as well drag Miller out for the one job he can actually do without making a dick of himself.

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