Love Thy Bogan

Right up until the moment my lunch break finished I was tempted to cut the second half of work and go to Geelong. It's a good thing I didn't because a game like this would have seen me arrested. As it was I ended up having to try and listen to the game on the radio and almost having a coronary in the last few minutes. Somebody who was there was Sideshow Bob (not the original we believe) and he provides us with the following report

The motivation for my trip to Geelong was wholly and solely based on last year’s miracle win. I can still hear the roar of the Geelong fans fading as Egan’s kick turns to the left, and hugging complete strangers wearing red and blue as if they were my best mates. I’d arranged some time ago with a Geelong supporting mate that we should go to this week’s match, and he was quick to agree claiming he wanted revenge, conveniently forgetting the pasting they gave us in the finals and Steven-king-related acts of violence. It was also convenient that his girlfriend would drive allowing the two of us to have a few beverages.

Travel tip no.1: Make the trip down the Geelong Road more exciting by playing the “spot the fixed speed camera” game.

Being a “home games only” MFC member, I entered using a Geelong membership borrowed from a different Geelong supporting mate who was so devastated by their season of lost promise he went off to Tasmania this weekend. This of course means I had $18 extra beer money. Upon arrival at the ground we heard the news that Kent Kingsley was in the team in place of Mackie and were happy, but then when the sides warmed up and Colin Sylvia was out there in place of Neitz we were sad. When the game itself started, it was crap footy, but then Yze decided his car wasn't good enough for him and a new Toyota would be a good thing.

Crowdwatch: The crowd were generally as biased and as feral as expected, but one bloke decided that i was personally responsible for every free kick that went against Geelong. When the umps let us get away with something and i laughed, his head began to turn a distinct shade of beetroot and he turned to drop a string of F-words at me. As we tore away in the first quarter, we had a glimpse of things to come as a Davey chip kick for Bell was intercepted by Chapman. As Chapman ran into the 50, Nobody chased him. Hmmm... Our friend turns to me and says "Fuck Davey". Ok, whatever. Which leads us to travel tip no.2: Be aware of local customs. This means that when a Melbourne player has his head lopped off or has a Geelong player land square in his back, local custom is to yell the word "Ball" at the top of your voice. (n.b. the umpiring was generally crap, but was sometimes in our favour such as the 65m penalty we got in the 1st quarter, but according to the Cat fans ALL of the decisions were in our favour. Some of the centre bounces were pathetic). Injury to Matt Whelan in the first quarter didn't help the cause.

In the second quarter we had an excellent view from the Northern terraces as a Geelong player (Rooke?) took a clean catch to intercept a Davey snap at goal. We thought he was across the line, meaning it was a goal. The Geelong fans thought it was a clear mark. The goal umpire clearly had no intention of getting out alive and decided he'd piss everyone off by saying that it was a point. The ump somehow believed that he'd taken 2 grabs at it and juggled it across the line, which was not true. Then, just to make sure this goal ump was never going to see his family again, Jamar took a mark with his body behind the line between the goal post and point post, and his arms outstretched in the field of play. He plays on and snaps a goal. The ump nods as if to say "Nice one Russian!" but then gets talked out of his decision by the lowest form of footy life form, the boundary umpire.

That's ok, we all said, we're still in front.

Not for long. In the 3rd quarter Geelong started running, and kicked 5 goals in a row. They made us pay for unaccountable play and loose men were everywhere. The most selfish player in AFL football, Gary Ablett Jr, turned up to play and was instrumental in a massive comeback. Between the early part of the 3rd quarter and mid-way through the final quarter Geelong eroded our 38 point lead. Travis Johnstone walked the ball back across Geelong's goal for a point and some clown said "You'll regret that if its a draw". Then, Ben Holland was hip and shouldered in the head as he leant over for the ball, in an incident that would have drawn Byron Pickett a 10 week suspension. The ball spilled out and Scarlett kicked the goal to put the Cats in front. If only the schmuck who was with us in the first half was still with us, because I’d love to see him explain that one. Perhaps surprisingly, Jamar levelled the scores with a crunch goal and as the final siren went, Nathan Carroll breathed a sigh of relief as he dropped the ball which was then, after the siren, punched through the goals by Bartel. A very unsatisfying result and a hollow feeling as there were no theme songs, no celebrations over a game both teams should have claimed as a win and neither team deserved to claim as a win,.

Travel tip no.3: Put some music on the radio as you return to Melbourne, because post-game football commentary is crap.

So now it’s time for some votes.

5: Daniel Ward. One of a small few who put in a four quarter effort. One of the better games I’ve seen him play and has been in good form over the last month or so.

4: James McDonald. Great goals and another tough tacking effort. My smoky for most Melbourne votes at the Brownlow and a possible top 5 finish.

3: Cameron Bruce. Awesome 2nd quarter, may have been the hero had he ran into the 50 and went for goal instead of trying to go to the top of the square.

2: Travis Johnstone. Faded a bit but was crucial in establishing the lead.

1: Adem Yze. While I wanted to give one vote to some others, Yze did do some crucial things, including a crunch goal in the final quarter. Would have got more had he chased down his man a few times in the 3rd quarter.

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard

40 - Cameron Bruce
38 - James McDonald
34 - Brock McLean
24 - David Neitz
20 - Brad Green
20 - Aaron Davey
19 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
17 - Travis Johnstone
16 - Byron Pickett
13 - Nathan Carroll
12 - Matthew Whelan
10 - Matthew Bate
9 - Colin Sylvia
9 - Daniel Ward
7 - Adem Yze
6 - Russell Robertson
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Ben Holland
4 - Nathan Jones
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Brad Miller
2 - Clint Bartram
2 - Jeff White
1 - Nathan Brown

On review I’m annoyed I’ve given all the votes to our top possession getters.

Next week it’s Crows in Adelaide. Collectively, demon fans have marked this down for a loss as of about ten minutes into Round 1 but there remains a flickering hope that if we show the heart that the pseudo-Sandringham team did for three quarters in last year’s game we might be a chance. Adelaide has suffered some injuries which may affect them, and hopefully we’ll get Neitz and Bate back.

I won't be travelling next week. Geelong fans may be feral but at least they're not from Adelaide.

Editor Watch
Mercado here again. I might be a negative piece of shit but I think our season is farked. Sure Adelaide have a million injuries and have lost four of the last five but I don't think there's anything more than the slightest chance that we can roll them next week. And even if we do the reward is probably going back there again the next week. Thrillsville. Sometimes I'd like to be a Richmond fan and have no long term goals other than making one finals series. Bah.

Second Half Blitz

Editor's note: I actually did make it today but as I've had a football related nervous breakdown in the last couple of weeks and couldn't do anything but sit there, feel that it was all pointless, how everything was black and all sorts of other Nietzschean bullshit I've handed the reigns over to a guest reporter for the week. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome "Rowdy"

What a strange game footy is. I turned up to the MCG on Sunday afternoon feeling decidedly seedy after my friends 21st, but very optimistic of the Dees chances against a depleted Kangaroos outfit. In the first half I was sitting in my seat, feeling suicidal at the prospect of missing the finals due to another late season collapse. Add a couple of hours; I’m standing up applauding the team and thinking about a top 4 spot again. After trailing by 20 points at half time, somehow the team woke up and finished 50 point winners. I tell you, it’s a strange game.

Crowd Watch
Sat in a new place for me, bottom level of the new Olympic Stand on the 50m arc. Really liked the position, and it was mostly Melbourne fans which was good. Had a bogan Roos supporter behind who was talking such drivel, his own family were looking embarrassed. Had kids running in and out of my aisle for the whole game, Christ knows what they were doing. Maybe they had the runs or something.
End Crowd Watch

The game itself started out in gloomy circumstances with the Roos deadset jumping us and kicking the first 3 goals. It took a Drew Petrie brain explosion for us to kick our first through the skipper. I don’t really feel like talking about the rest of the quarter because apart from Adem Yze putting his body on the line TWICE, nothing exciting happened. The Kangas continued to dominate us and we continued to muck around with the ball, handballing more often than kicking & missing our targets when we did kick.

The second quarter was much of the same. The Roos continued to run us off our feet, with our guys standing around watching them for most of the time. Jess Sinclair was sweeping the ball off half back and Petrie was taking good grabs as well. If it wasn’t for Nathan Jones, Neita, Greeny and Brock then the margin would have been double what it was at the main break.

Ok, now I’ve gotten past the shit that was the first half I can move on to the third quarter. What the hell did Danners say?! Whatever it was worked, because it was a different team that ran out for the second half. As usual, it was the Flash who inspired us, stealing a Watt handball and then kicking the goal from 40m. That got me sitting a bit more alert in my seat, and when Yze drilled one from 50 on the boundary right in front of me, the blood was well and truly pumping. Bate, McLean, Green and Ward were running hard and creating space and dare I say it, but Brad Miller presented bloody well in the third quarter. His decision making is still fucking horrible at times, but there were some encouraging signs. The delivery into the forward line was superb, and Neita took full advantage, kicking the Dees into the lead after Bate had just about killed him with a lethal pass. Davey was just everywhere, and kicked one of the longest goals I have seen him kick after Whitey intercepted a stray Roos kick. And so ended an awesome third quarter, eight goals kicked by the Dees, seven of them through Neitz and Davey.

The last quarter was a training run. The Roos stopped and looked like they couldn’t be assed and we buried them into the dirt. Robbo kicked a couple after being well held all day, and Brucey started to find a bit of it after being well tagged for most of the match. Neita kicked a ballburster for his 8th, and then took himself off when the match was won. All in all, pretty good win by the boys considering we had such a shithouse first half.

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

5 – David Neitz (kicked 8.4 so could have and probably should have kicked 10. Was superb all day and was the dominant player on the ground)
4 – Brock McLean (was awesome around the ground and had 36 touches. Delivered the ball beautifully by foot all day and was tough in around the clinches. Going to be a star if he’s not already)
3 – Aaron Davey (kicked 4 and was instrumental in the comeback. He is so important to this team its stupid)
2 – James McDonald (was his usual brilliant self, hard at it and laying tackle after tackle)
1 – Nathan Jones (25 touches and was terrific when it counted. Should get the Rising Star nomination for that)

Apologies to Green, Ward, Rivers & Yze who were all good too.

Next week: Geelong at Skilled. Lets be honest, we’ll probably lose as it’s a shit ground and the Cats play best when there is nothing at stake. If we want to finish top 4, then we have to win so it’s a huge game. Should get Pickett back as well.

Now I gotta go do some uni work, so I’ll hand the reins back over. It was fun.

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard

37 - Cameron Bruce
34 - Brock McLean
34 - James McDonald
24 - David Neitz
20 - Brad Green
20 - Aaron Davey
19 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
16 - Byron Pickett
15 - Travis Johnstone
13 - Nathan Carroll
12 - Matthew Whelan
10 - Matthew Bate
9 - Colin Sylvia
6 - Russell Robertson
6 - Adem Yze
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Daniel Ward
4 - Ben Holland
4 - Nathan Jones
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Brad Miller
2 - Clint Bartram
2 - Jeff White
1 - Nathan Brown

Note: I definately won't be going to Geelong as for the first time in 21 weeks I'm working when our game is on. I've had a shithot run with getting away with it all these weeks and if I had any leave of any form I'd go anyway. What this means is that once again we need a guest reporter. First in and best dressed. Extra points if you promise to hammer the locals about living in cardboard boxes and growing huge marijuana crops in their basements

Born To Lose

Hands up if you honestly thought we could beat the Swans yesterday. To be frank after we'd kicked the first two goals I started to wonder whether we were actually a chance. As you may well know we were not. Class prevailed in the end and we got done like a dinner.

Personally I was as sick as a dog and sat there for four (well, three and a half) quarters looking emo, coughing my lungs out and trying not to throw up before dramatically storming out at the 10 minute mark of the last.

Crowd Watch
For the third consecutive week I suffered angst at being seated in the midst of complete morons. It doesn't matter where I go people annoy me. This is why, were I loaded, I'd buy my own Demonblog.com corporate box and remove myself from the bogans in the grandstand. For the rest of the year I'm going back to my old tactic of sitting in the back row of the entire place with nobody near me.
End Crowd Watch

Due to the fact that I am still completely rooted I'm OUT for writing a full report. All I will say is that I don't know why they persisted with Miller at CHF for so long and left Dunn on the bench or wandering around completely out of position. Miller is NEVER going to be a gun CHF - let it go.

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

5 - Jared Rivers (a couple of dodgy disposals aside the difference between a 6 and 15 goal loss)
4 - Matthew Bate (is scoring the points Sylvia did in the first three rounds for playing half decently in a rotten side)
3 - James McDonald
2 - Cameron Bruce
1 - David Neitz (four goals that kept us in it, but ranked down for a series of brain explosions)

Leaderboard

37 - Cameron Bruce
32 - James McDonald
30 - Brock McLean
20 - Brad Green
19 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
19 - David Neitz
17 - Aaron Davey
16 - Byron Pickett
15 - Travis Johnstone
13 - Nathan Carroll
12 - Matthew Whelan
10 - Matthew Bate
9 - Colin Sylvia
6 - Russell Robertson
6 - Adem Yze
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Daniel Ward
4 - Ben Holland
3 - Nathan Jones
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Brad Miller
2 - Clint Bartram
2 - Jeff White
1 - Nathan Brown

Next week: North at the MCG. Players will return. No excuses. If we lose this it's over. If we win there's an ever so small light at the end of the tunnel. Instant blockbuster? Balls to that. For the first time this year I'm shafted from a game because of work so if you want to do the review and hand out the all-important votes let me know (supermercado AT demonblog.com).

And now I'm going back to bed. It's been lovely.

Total Anarchy

Bruce - POTENTIALLY OUT
Johnstone - PROBABLY OUT
Robertson - ALMOST CERTAINLY OUT
The veins in my arm - RIGHT OUT when we lose on Saturday

Dunn is a certainty. Ferguson and Miller are a chance. There is more chance of aliens landing on the MCG and abducting James Sherry (at last) than there is of Nick Smith getting a run.

Daniher is talking about Motlop. Now it's not that I'm anti-Mot but you'd think he's going to get the ass at the end of the year so is it really a good move to bring him in? They may as well do it and give him another crack - and let's not forget he did some decent work at the end of last year and in the pre-season - for want of too many other small forward options (and the last thing we want is Godfrey wandering around up front again) but it's hardly the actions of a club in rude health is it?

And as we always ask in this spot, WHERE'S PHILTHY YOU BASTARDS? The least they can do as our season goes under a rapid rate is give me my illicit man-crush in the squad.

What the fuck was that?

[Warning: If you can't take offensive language, are a small child or have a heart complaint you may want to skip this report]

Now this will sound like complete bullshit considering what happened and the fact that I didn't mention it first but I had a bad feeling about playing Carlton. Not just the usual week-long anxiety I get whenever we're doing well and play somebody at the arse end of the ladder, but a real "we're every possible chance of getting done over" fear. Afterall Essendon and Richmond almost managed to beat us by dragging us down to their level and performing the biggest flood since New Orleans. The difference was that neither of those sides bothered to back up their tactics with any intensity and Melbourne (previously referred to as "we") eventually managed to put them away.

Yesterday, with Travis Johnstone a late withdrawal due to "general soreness" (and I call shenanigans on that..) and Daniel Bell roped in as his replacement you'd have to think that Dennis Pagan - for want of anything of any tactical significance to add to his team talk - was highlighting the change as a sign that Melbourne were treating Carlton with no respect. And his troops reacted accordingly. After we dominated them for the first three minutes and Bate (at the start of a very impressive performance) kicked the opening goal it looked as if it was business as usual, but then Fevola kicked two in a row - including a corker from the boundary line - and the Blues were suddenly full of confidence. With all our stars (Yze, Bruce, Neitz etc..) missing, the NBT struggling and nobody actually playing at Centre Half Forward by the looks of it things started to go horribly wrong early on. Other than McDonald, who you can be sure will go in 150% every time, too much was left to Bate and Jones in his second game. Fine performances for sure but where were the cool, experienced heads to back it up? Usually rebounding the ball out of the 50 and straight back into the hands of the opposition. Or kicking it out on the full. Your choice.

I'm not entirely sure why, if Johnstone had to go out, that they couldn't have brought Miller in instead. I haven't been his biggest fan this year but if Bate wasn't going to play CHF, and Dunn wasn't an option then what are you left with? Holland? Surely you jest. If there's no defensive matchup for Dutchy he shouldn't be anywhere near the field. I know he had a cracker of a game against St. Kilda a couple of years ago at CHF when Miller was out but he is - frankly - shit and his only saving grace is that he's done quite a few good defensive jobs this year. Therefore, and I'll say it again, if there's nothing for him to do in the backline then he should be sitting on his ass in the stands.

Crowd Watch
Like a complete moron I took a free ticket to sit in level one of the Dome. Everyone knows that I don't play well with others and need to sit away from the crowds for the sake of my own sanity. It's painful enough hearing wags in the crowd ripping out zingers that only they and their equally pissed mates find amusing but when some 5ft midget crunt spends four quarters hanging over the fence slaughtering every player who runs past for being shit. Credit then to the idiot who was pulling that move off yesterday without actually knowing who he was yelling at. By the third quarter the physio and the guy who carries pieces of paper around were copping it as well. Why? And why are football crowds such pissheads?

Credit to the people who joined in the concerted campaign against the guy and spent four quarters giving it to him every time he opened his mouth and tried to distribute another cracking gag. Credit also for Daniel Ward who gave it back to him. This is where I'd get fined every week. I've said it before and I'll say it again. We played 0 games. We had 0 kicks. They get paid 100's of dollars a year. THEY WIN. If a player does something shit you have every right to do your nut but if you just try and slaughter anyone in an opposition jumper the joke's most certainly on you fool. Especially given that we all know if Player A suddenly showed up at your club you'll suddenly cheer him as a legend. I learnt my lesson with Byron Pickett and I'm not even a drunken piece of shit.

5 crowd votes to the woman who just lost it at the angry midget and started yelling "I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU". It was great. I was proud to be a part of it. Shame about the result.
End Crowd Watch

By the third quarter Bruce and Yze had started to get into the game and Carlton's lead started to rapidly evapourate. We never managed to take the lead but with the margin hovering around 10pts it looked as if we'd run over the top in the last quarter and pull out an undeserved wake-up-call win. Except, erm, we didn't. Credit to Carlton they did well, and have some potentially ace young players, but we were complete bollocks. Green and Sylvia were AWFUL and the Blues defenders were marking everything that came near them. Thus we couldn't get any love inside 50, and despite Carroll eventually holding Fevola to four goals after a start that looked as if he was going to kick 30, we couldn't kick enough goals to beat them. Painful.

Roll on season 2007 because what happened yesterday screams out to me that we can't win the flag. It also proves just how important Davey is to the team. Note that it was when he necked himself against the Bulldogs in '04 that the rot set in and we were shit for the rest of the year. He's a great man.

Votes

5 - Bate (his finest game yet. Though I'm sure he won't be dragging the video out too often.)
4 - McDonald (consistent as always)
3 - Jones (a good game in a role he should never have been thrown into)
2 - Bartram (I'm struggling now)
1 - White (Pretty much for show only... He was alright but this is worth about 1/50th of last week's 1 vote)

I could almost have wedged Brown in for the 1 vote but other than that who knows what was going on? It was almost bad enough to start taking votes off.

2006 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard

35 - Cameron Bruce
30 - Brock McLean
29 - James McDonald
20 - Brad Green
18 - David Neitz
17 - Aaron Davey
16 - Byron Pickett
15 - Travis Johnstone
14 - Jared Rivers (Leader: 2006 Marcus Seecamp Medal for defender of the year)
13 - Nathan Carroll
12 - Matthew Whelan
9 - Colin Sylvia
6 - Russell Robertson
6 - Adem Yze
6 - Matthew Bate
4 - Chris Johnson
4 - Daniel Ward
4 - Ben Holland
3 - Nathan Jones
2 - Brent Moloney
2 - Brad Miller
2 - Clint Bartram
2 - Jeff White
1 - Nathan Brown

Next week: Sydney @ the MCG. Either we're going to bounce back and give them a world class porking (no please - come back) or the rot will be made official. Instant blockbuster? Nearly. Depending on what happens at Sandringham today I would expect a couple of changes. Sylvia out? Dunn in? AND WHERE'S PHILTHY?

[Note: There was actually less obscenity in this report than usual. I think I'm in shock]