Business as usual

If there's any reason to feel slighted while following a team neck deep in premiership contention, it's been watching every other established side in the competition rip an arm, leg, or both, off one of the expansion clubs while we missed out. Sure, there was the consolation of unleashing a dollop of wallop on failed foundation teams Carlton, Footscray, Freo and GWS, but I wanted some of that sweet Adelaide 63 d. Port 3 action. 

Then, after waiting until the second last round for our turn on the dismembering machine, we get the only half decent expansion side around. This failed to satisfy my bloodthirsty lust for carnage, but will probably leave us in better shape for the finals than teeing off on the tired, poor and huddled masses of Sydney or Hawthorn. We got something more than a glorified training session, against a side that had a fair physical bash, with freelance niggle to keep things interesting. And still won easily, so let the good times roll.

Other than the usual background tension about doing a Melbourne, I didn't think we were a serious chance of losing. There was still a worryingly strong smell of farce in the air - Essendon turned up wearing a clash jumper that clashed with our jumper, and the traditional Casey Fields wind was blowing across the ground, guaranteeing the boundary umpire about 45 touches. Then the banner that the players had helped the cheersquad make all but burst just before they ran through it. 

Going down to the biggest upset loss since good old St Kilda 2020 would have rounded things off nicely, but we did the right thing and erased any tension about a mystery loss by quarter time, briefly threatened to win by lots, before coasting home with nothing to worry about. We'd all love to win in savage fashion but sometimes you've just got to bank the expected points and move look to the future. Try telling that to the commentators, who kept going on about how much we needed to win by to overtake Brisbane at the top of the ladder. This was a bit disrespectful to the opposition, but ultimately correct in identifying them as cannon fodder.

Not only are we operating a confirmed double chance, probably top two, side, but are also leading the way in footy fashion. While Lauren Pearce returned unscathed from her concussion break, her collision mate Paxman has still got a taped up head two weeks later. I like to think she never took it off, flying back from the Gold Coast and going about her business during the week looking like she'd just been trepanned. It was such a bold fashion statement that Lily Mithen joined in too, and if Paxman is (spoiler) best on ground again next week I expect the entire team to pre-tape their heads for finals.

The opening minutes were a replay of the Footscray game, where the ball was stuck down our end and the other side had no idea how to extract it. Even when they did get forward, with me having kittens about giving them a psychological boost by letting a goal through on the break, it was instantly fired back the other way and almost cost them a goal. 

Bannan's turbo run down the wing looked good, but it never happened without Gillard absolutely pouncing on the ball in defence and bursting away at a speed not befitting somebody of that height. She's already done more for me than Julia, but even allowing for dealing with dud forward entries, this was her best game, deservedly ending in a Rising Star nomination. If I didn't still think the league will force good teams to give players to the duds (like I was last year when it... didn't happen), I'd say she and Birch are your AFLW version of the Jurassic Pack for several years to come.

It was a shame that this crisp end-to-end play died with Daisy missing a shot from right in front, but it was a reminder that conditions were going to slaughter set shots all day, and not to get too excited by marks close to goal. Or, as it turns out, too worried about Essendon having shots from anywhere outside 20 metres.

There was still the outside chance of a rebound goal and zero reward for our early domination when elite celebrator Bannan hit the turbo button NBA Jam style and ran through a Grand Canyon style gap in Essendon's defence. Soon after the Fox Sports director had so little confidence in the Bombers stopping us that when a kick was heading in Alyssa's general direction they cut straight to her in anticipation of a mark, ignoring the defender standing in the way.

Speaking of the host broadcaster, some people go over the top hanging shit on Kelli Underwood but referring to foundation Melbourne player Cat Phillips as a 'former Saints player' suggests a lack of fun facts research and/or feel for the occasion. Conversely, Robert Harvey risked not being invited back on special comments by pointing out shit umpiring decisions.

This was the last two weeks all over again, wearing the opposition defence out with non-stop bombardment and waiting for them to lose hope before pouncing. Hore did her bit, albeit with an assist from the umpire who ignored a defender being blatantly infringed against in a marking contest, selling a dummy in confined spaces K. Pickett style for our second.

The gap between these sides will close over the years, but for now it was ridiculously one sided. At one point they were finally moving forward at speed before a player nearly missed her hand trying to give the ball off under no pressure. The knockout blow hadn't yet been thrown, but our third straight week of keeping the other side to nil at quarter time was a reasonable start. Stats fans will note that it was also the third week in a row where the other side finished on 1.3. If those two aren't a combined record I'll eat Titus O'Reilly's gimmick hat.

Anyone who expected Essendon to sink without a trace would have been thrilled to discover that Essendon's coach was Natalie Wood. The Hollywood theme continued with a Six Sense handball by West over her head for Paxman to run on to for a goal. Describing it as a 'blind' handball would do it a disservice, she knew exactly where it was going and it was glorious.

Now it was reasonably clear that we'd win, and my fantasies switched to holding them scoreless. This seemingly went out the window when their first half decent kick inside 50 found a forward 30 metres out directly in front. God knows why, but with the wind at her back she tried a pass to the pocket the ball was being pulled to and they came out of it with nothing. These ring-in teams have got some excuse for failure but you can't help a self-inflicted wound. Never mind, soon after St Kilda legend Phillips walked around Goldrick to kick their first and last goal.

I hadn't gone in with the goal of building a monster percentage, keeping the race for top spot competitive into the last round was enough for me, but there was a brief moment where things looked like they could get too close for comfort. Essendon had a string of chances before an ambitious/loopy kick across goal from Birch and a rotten turnover from Wilson nearly cost us another. No doubt she was still sad about me narrowly missing winning her pride jumper in the midweek auction. It was a tremendous blunder not to include the emergencies, I'd have spent a fortune trying to get the #35 of my surnamesake.

There was nothing to worry about, they weren't capable of crafting a goal in the conditions (and may not have done much better under a roof), and we went down the other end where a bobbling ball cost Purcell her chance at goal of the year. On a day where she was reasonably well held, this was nearly the consolation prize but it rolled from a tight angle then nearly stopped dead on the goal line. Zanker did her best to let it roll through before eventually conceding and soccering through from the line.

We were still offering chances, Heath and Goldrick did a combined Rock Bottom on an opponent but they missed again. And after Gillard shanked a kick-in out of bounds, she made up for it by touching the return kick through. This was already developing signs of slopfest, even with a margin of 'just' 15 at half time. As far as Essendon was concerned that may as well have been 115, and was probably going to be enough no matter what happened, but we made sure of it when the ball was taken in front of our goal and kept there again. 

The defender who blew the a promising escape via shambolic disposal was probably happy when Hore turned it into a goal, because it gave her 60 seconds of respite before the next onslaught. And that was about all she got, because Bannan cannoned through the middle for another, and they hadn't even got through a sideline interview with an Essendon player before Hore lobbed another one through from the pocket. I don't even think the interviewee realised her team had just shipped another goal. I'd have preferred the commentators speak to the Essendon fan who was, consistent with every other game played by the Bombers since 1896, yelling out nonsense. You won't be surprised to discover that he thought they were getting the rough end of the umpiring. 

With the team that couldn't convert if their lives depended on it kicking with a wind they weren't equipped to use, any remaining neutrals probably switched over to whatever Vatican City vs Tonga T20 World Cup game was on. Suckers and enthusiasts like me stayed and were rewarded with not much more than some good old fashioned niggle between Mithen and some outmatched Essendonians. Heath sprinted inside 50 and missed, and Harris blew one from the top of the square much to the joy of Annoying Essendon Fan (who you can be almost certain was online whinging about her getting a statue before acquiring an interest in the league), who had delivered a barely comprehensible spray during the run-up.

Down the other end they nearly got to double figures via a charity free after a player fell over under Birch, but the kick fell short and they went scoreless in three of four quarters. That can't have happened very often.

And so, another roadbump was safely negotiated on our way to the finals. Nothing that took place suggested mauling a premiership contender at the first opportunity but it was good enough. You can't romp to victory every week, and I've got perhaps misplaced faith that we can beat any of the main contenders on our day. Now, watch us going out at the hands of some jabronis who finished six with about four fewer wins.  

2022 (Spring) Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Karen Paxman
4 - Kate Hore
3 - Tahlia Gillard
2 - Eliza West
1 - Alyssa Bannan

Major apologies to Heath, Purcell, Birch and Mithen.

Leaderboard
With a minimum of three, maximum of five left to play it's still advantage Purcell, but Paxmania is starting to build, and any of West, Hanks, or Harris could still win. I haven't seen a wild finish like this since the Viney vs Vince vs McSizzle superclash that went down to the last round of 2015. The big news is that we have a leader in the Rising Star - it's a bit cynical to adopt the same rules as the men to a season that's not even half as long, but bad luck I'm doing it. As Gillard started the year on three games she qualifies and leads. Take it up with the committee.

23 - Olivia Purcell
19 - Karen Paxman
18 - Eliza West
17 - Tyla Hanks
15 - Tayla Harris
8 - Kate Hore, Lily Mithen
5 - Libby Birch (LEADER: Defender of the Year), Eden Zanker
4 - Maddie Gay, Sarah Lampard
3 - Tahlia Gillard (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
2 - Shelley Heath
1 - Alyssa Bannan, Lauren Pearce

Goal of the Week 

Consistent with a week where set shots were death, we had a few good contenders on the run. Hore's snaps were delightful, and Purcell deserves partial credit for doing everything but getting the ball to cross the line, but for sheer enjoyment on both sides of the fence you can't beat a Bannan. I liked the first one best, bolting into nothingness to get us started. Nothing to change the overall leaderboard though.

1st - Alyssa Bannan vs North Melbourne 
2nd - Eden Zanker vs Gold Coast
3rd - Tayla Harris vs Carlton

Amendment to Be (featuring Constitution Corner)

I was going to do a full breaking news post on the Deemocracy deebate, but don't have the required time or mental capacity so you'll have to settle for highlights. For those who've got better things to do, the unnecessary public biff involves the group (?) going to the Supreme Court to get member details so that they may promote their case against the board's proposed constitutional amendments.

So far, so tedious, and as neither side is suggesting we permanently rebrand as Narrm and play out of Phillip Island it's hardly the sporting version of Roe vs Wade, but at the point where lawyers are being paid a fortune to argue, and the unofficial side is waving around a rival constitution (NB: posted as if it's an official document, without 'draft' watermarks or anything to explain that it's a fantasy document) it's worth talking about.

First, let me tip you off on where I stand by pointing out that I've got nothing to do with the board. Would be nice (HINT) if they sponsored Demonwiki, but for there's no connection. And in that spirit, I'm not saying you should vote for the amendments unless you've done your research and are happy, but would like to be clear what voting against means beyond putting the boots to the board for whatever reason they've annoyed you. 

Contrary to what some people think, it's not a referendum on who's got better ideas and which document will be adopted. If 25.01% of the electorate vote against the amendments then they fail, nothing changes (including the requirement to spend shitloads of money by conducting all elections ballots via post), and the cosmic wankfest goes on. I've got no issues with my details being shared with these people, as a customer of Optus and AHM everyone else on the internet has already got them, but I'm not keen on the minority torpedoing important changes for the real life equivalent of a Facebook argument.

The fact that it's all being led by a member who has lost two bids to join the board also makes me uncomfortable. The morality of incumbents going out of their way to wreck the chances of a challenging candidate is an entirely different matter, it didn't need to end in undignified jostling that - at a point where we've finally got money and stability - makes us look like we're being run by Essendon.   

It's true that like most boards ours is a racket that ensures outsiders are practically no chance of being elected. In isolation this seems unfair, but anyone who has ever voted in a council election will know what it's like to make a decision between two dozen candidates (some not even pretending to be sane) on the basis of 300 word campaign statements. The end result is usually the biggest collection of mismatched people since Gilligan's Island punching on for three years - in the case of my area until the government sacks them.

The switch to electronic voting, sensibly supported by both sides (though the club might want to invest in a better platform than Typeform) removes the ability to scare potential candidates off by telling them how much a postal votes is going to cost the club, increasing the odds of contested elections in the future. Next thing you've got factions sniping at each other, leaking through the process, and getting nothing done. I prefer the Singapore model where they pretend to have a democracy but it's really a one party state and everyone goes on happily with their lives.

If we've got to go that way I can cop more contested elections, but for the same reason I've got no problem with the club's proposal for candidates to be nominated by 20 voting members instead of the existing two. Don't be melodramatic, if you can't find that many people who are interested in your candidacy then you're not trying very hard.

Other factors turn me off this group too, like wanting to include motherhood statements about how we aim to win premierships (you reckon?), and nakedly trying to out-progressive the board by claiming we 'pioneered women's football' (which will come as a shock to the people who plugged away in the suburbs for years while nobody in VFL or AFL cared). But more than anything I'm offended by the lame promotional materials. I used to be in marketing before metaphorically taking Bill Hicks' advice, and if I'd proposed something like this my boss would have deefenestrated me. 

I don’t know if this is a real conversation. I feel as though my leg is being pulled. pic.twitter.com/BqQzp1mCq9

— BT (@bentyers) October 20, 2022

Unlike some, I'm not offended enough to write back and tell Pete to Far Cough, but while the officially proposed changes aren't perfect they're better than the alternative of standing still and doing all this again in six months. And we all know it's going to keep being played out in the future so cutting off nose to spite face now is pointless. The proposed constitution could be the biggest hit since the Magna Carta, the current board will never put it up for a vote and the challengers can barely get 25% of people to vote against so they're hardly going to find 75% in favour. You'd be forgiven for missing the bit where we're in a better position on and off-field than any time since Norm Smith was around.

Next week (incorporating the Ms. Bradbury Plan)

We've got West Coast and should win easily, but interestingly Brisbane have to beat Collingwood to stay ahead of us. The Pies are the most boring good team in the competition so here's to them putting the Lions to sleep and letting us slide into first place. This could end in playing them in the first week, depending on whether Richmond (somehow fourth) beat North Melbourne and hold their spot. 

More likely we finish second and probably play Adelaide in the Qualifying Final. They're level on wins with the sides below them but have 20% on Richmond, 30% on the Pies, and play St Kilda who are shite so I'd almost have the house on them there.

Other than Maddie Gay, there's nobody out of this team who's likely to come back now so I expect we'll go with much the same lineup. Wilson probably makes way for her and we go in search of a win that's comfortable and injury free but - as Collingwood/Brisbane will have already happened - doesn't need to be a million point massacre. Then we hold our breath and test the system against the best sides in the competition. I wanted the 2021/2022 flag to go alongside the men, I'll take the 2022B version as a consolation prize.

Final Thoughts
I tempted fate and checked the date of the Grand Final to make sure I could attend. So anything bad that happens from here is my fault.

Golden casket

Fans of Melbourne 1954-1964, Adelaide 1991-2019, and Geelong in general already know it, but following a side that wins almost every week is tremendously satisfying. It might not end in a flag (and for several years didn't even guarantee making the finals), but there's something calming about knowing you're objectively better than almost every team in the competition.

However, if we were going to do something silly and lose to a mid-table struggler for the first time since Footscray 2021, this was the week. With Goldrick, L. Pearce and Sherriff missing from last week, and Gay still injured, Gold Coast caught us wrist-deep in our reserve stocks, with two players making their first appearance of the season, and a pair of Casey ring-ins (including one with a decidedly upper class surname - and who is still, apparently the #904 tennis player in the world) as emergencies.

Considering everyone expected the Suns to lose anyway, this would have been a good opportunity for them to come out firing and hope we collapsed under the weight of expectation. Instead they waved the white flag by parking a player behind the ball from the first bounce. Not the first time there's been a surrender in a Melbourne/Gold Coast game, but at least this guy waited until the last quarter.

The early result of this anti-spectacle cowardice was that we got plenty of the ball but struggled to convert that into scores. Which was fine from a Suns perspective, if they were going for a nil-all draw. Eventually, they were reduced to panic bombing the ball straight to our defenders, and ended the evening with one goal. And that was all they deserved for trying to sandbag their percentage before being thrashed anyway. If the Bulldogs do as expected and beat St Kilda on Sunday they'll be a game behind anyway, what's another 5% to have a serious crack at winning? I'd have - as they say in Sydney - blown up deluxe and tried to sack everyone if we'd been done the same in their position. Instead, we remain firmly in top four calculations with two (keep it quiet) easy games to end the season. 

This was not only a night for overcoming a team trying to bore their way to a narrow loss, but for demonstrating how well we've done recruiting from other clubs. Between them, Libby Birch, Tayla Harris and Olivia Purcell cost the equivalent of pick 8, 15, 17 and Chantel Emonson. I wish Emonson well at Geelong, and hope whoever was drafted in those spots is having a lovely career, but all three imports must be in All-Australian contention. When I foolishly declared us a spent force a few years ago it failed to take into account the piratical ransacking of other teams to improve our lot.

It's easy to be frothy after keeping the opposition to a single measly goal for the third time in four weeks, but our inability to break through for more than a point in the opening minutes left the door ajar for them to sneak one on the rebound. Then, much to the surprise of commentators who acted as if beating Sydney was an achievement, the Suns discovered that you can't play teams with a percentage of 30 every week. Once things got rolling we may have had our best ever game for finding targets by foot, and after conceding three goals in the last few minutes of the quarter the Suns were never coming back. I don't think I've ever been as confident in such a slender lead

The usual stars did starrish things, but this was one of our more across the board performances. I very much enjoyed Maggie Caris tackling everything that came near her. She's been on the outs all year due to L. Pearce/Harris but was very good, and should probably send the tape around to all the clubs that need rucks if the alternative is to be stuck in the queue behind a pair of All-Australians for years to come.

Given how much better we were at moving the ball in our direction, it was nice to finally get some reward when Daisy pulled down a contested mark in the square and did the high-risk Russell Robertson play on from a metre out. In her 50th game, and probably the last time she'll ever be the sole representative of the Pearce dynasty in our side, she looked as dangerous forward as any time since taking a baseball bat to the Freo reserves. It didn't last the four quarters but helped get us off to a positive start.

That encouraged the locals to switch off and allow us to turn one of the cleanest centre clearances you'll ever see in this competition into another goal. Caris put it straight into West's path, she did a lovely handball to Purcell, and the AFLW equivalent of Clayton Oliver hit a leading Hore with a delightful kick. I've never thought about the best seven seconds in our AFLW history but this would have to be up there. A miss would have detracted from the moment, but while she's occasionally wonky from close range Hore showed that she's probably distantly related to Travis Cloke with a perfect shot from distance. It helped to come a mile off the line and all but run around the player on the mark but they all count.

By this stage I was almost satisfied that we'd broken them, but no matter how well you've done in one quarter, calling it over at 13-0 would have been a bit optimistic. Turns out we wouldn't have needed to score again to win. The third made all the difference, allowing me to figuratively put my feet up and light a cigar. Maybe it was the pisstake nature of it, with Mithen about to bomb a kick to the square when she was called to play on and handballing backwards to Harris instead, who stepped around an opponent and lamped it through from the exact spot Mithen had started in.

We have a list for everything, so I can exclusively confirm that keeping the opposition scoreless in the opening term two weeks row isn't anything new. In 2018 we did it three times straight and somehow still lost twice, so this was definitely an improvement. The damage was mostly done by now, and the second quarter lacked fireworks. For the first few minutes it also lacked scores, until another golden kick to a lead found Harris running through the middle of two defenders. Everything about it was delightful, and if all the other sides could give her this much space it would be most appreciated. This, temporarily or not, put her back ahead of Darcy Vescio as the all-time leading league goalkicker, and even if we've only got a 1/3 share of her career total I'm just happy to see a Melbourne player holding a major record.

Gold Coast's innovative 'lose by as little as possible' theory was heading for disaster, but that goal prompted them to temporarily put the brakes on. They even got their lone goal of the evening, for what that's worth. The value was determined at about 90 seconds of relaxation before Zanker dispatched a defender to take a contested mark and drill another set shot.

That was our lot for the half. Sadly we were denied a tremendous highlight from my new favourite player Mackin, who gathered a bouncing ball inside 50 at about 100km/h like she's been playing the game all her life and was about to kick a cracking goal when she started going too fast and fell over. Her goals will come, and I'm confident she's not going out of the side any time soon.

Whether percentage comes into the final ladder or not, it would have been nice to emerge from half time with flamethrower in hand and burn the Suns to a crisp, but they had all the play early. This was good news for everyone except the player who was left on Planet Koozebane after coming off second best in an aerial dual with Birch. Silly to get involved in the first place. The Suns will be advocating for 15-a-side games, because even with one of their players on the ground they turned this calamity into a rare shot on goal.

Given my hatred of inside 50s as a stat, I spend a lot of time discussing them, but a 45-9 tally was outrageous. We could even afford Bannan failing to get a boot on ball from centimetres out and only ending up with a point. It looked like we were set to take the win and get on with our lives, but the home side had other ideas. After keeping us goalless until the last minute, a clumsy clothesline to Fitzsimon got her on the board, before Zanker did something quite outrageous with a second left, ripping the ball out of the ruck and hoofing it through from 30 metres out. 

Regretfully I didn't see this goal until later, watching on an hour delay I was trying to get through the breaks as quickly as possibly so when there was a ball up with four seconds left I decided to get a head start on the last quarter. We were winning so comfortably the extra bump in our score didn't even register, and I only discovered it happened from watching the highlights. Oops.

Considering the margin, the early minutes of the last quarter featured a surprising number of Suns players being assassinated off the ball. None of it was worth the tribunal getting involved, but you could have been forgiven for thinking the sides had serious bad blood between them. In reality, no matter the genders involved Gold Coast are so irrelevant that even Brisbane has to work hard to pretend there's a rivalry.

The game was already long dead five minutes in when Hore won a free burying her opponent in a tackle. As Harris swept through to play on and kick her third the commentator got his words mixed up and said something that sounded like "Kate Hore got her pissed". And given that they're two of the great goalkickers, why not. Hore got one of her own not long after, via another series of beautiful passes that started with Paxman (perhaps the first player to turn up with her head bandaged due to injuries suffered a week earlier), before West found her standing in a postcode of space 25 metres out directly in front. 

From the average start, we were now in our third straight week of free scoring fun. Alas that was as good as it got. Duffy missed a shot after the siren but nobody was worried, another mid-table mediocrity had been pushed out of the road on our way to glory. Congratulations to the Suns on knowing their role, and if they've stuffed the salary cap as badly as the men and need to dump a couple of good players on us we'll be happy to show them a good time.

2022 (Spring) Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Olivia Purcell
4 - Eliza West
3 - Libby Birch
2 - Shelley Heath
1 - Tayla Harris

Major apologies to Hore and Mithen. Other apologies to near on everyone, but mainly Hanks, Hore, Lampard, Paxman, Pearce and Zanker.

Leaderboard
Racking up of bulk possessions is always a reliable indicator of votes, and with Hanks missing out this week the award is Purcell's to lose. I certainly did not see this coming in pre-season but she has been excellent. In the minor awards, there's nothing for the rookie of the year yet but Birch captures the lead in the backline award from the world's most apologised to player.

23 - Olivia Purcell
17 - Tyla Hanks
16 - Eliza West
15 - Tayla Harris
14 - Karen Paxman
8 - Lily Mithen
5 - Libby Birch (LEADER: Defender of the Year), Eden Zanker
4 - Maddie Gay, Kate Hore, Sarah Lampard
2 - Shelley Heath
1 - Lauren Pearce

Goal of the Week 

I was intending to give this to Harris from the first quarter, then I discovered that the Zanker goal had happened. She might have been saved by the timekeeper's finger slipping off the button but it was a quality finish. So good that I'm promoting it to second for the season. Congratulations all.

1st - Alyssa Bannan vs North Melbourne 
2nd - Eden Zanker vs Gold Coast
3rd - Tayla Harris vs Carlton

Social issues corner
It's not hard to improve a Gold Coast jumper that looks like the local Maccas franchise, but we still won the battle of pride jumpers. Usually, I'd confine my analysis to fashion (I like to be comfy and current) due to a) being outside the target market for these jumpers, and b) mortal fear of cancellation, but Gold Coast's inclusion of a 'straight ally' flag got me involved on a technicality. I'm all for the intimately involved communities flying flags, but trying to get one from long distance for showing a basic level of human decency is a bit rich. Otherwise, hooray for everything.

Next week (incorporating the Ms. Bradbury Plan)

It's Essendon next Sunday, and I've been caught out expecting big wins against very average Bomber sides before so let's not get ahead of ourselves. But if you take a dispassionate, neutral view we should win in a canter. All four of the key injured players could be back for our second consecutive game against a side that's just had a training run against Sydney. Essendon are clearly the best of the expansion sides but have also had a reasonably soft run, so really shouldn't give us much trouble here. Which makes it almost certain that they will, and I'll come out of this looking like an absolute cockhead. In more important matters, Essendon have fielded three players this year with 'Van' surnames, which must be a record.

The good news, if you're keen on not jinxing the process, is that percentage probably won't come into the race for the top two. It could decide whether we or Brisbane win the minor premiership, but unless we do something silly and lose to either Essendon or West Coast, while Collingwood beat North, Brisbane and close a 50% gap on us, then it should be a simple case of winning and heading back to Fortress Casey. I don't mind playing the Lions or Crows in a Qualifying Final but would rather it happen at Mt. Variable Weather than at their grounds.

Assuming everything goes to plan I don't see us passing Brisbane, who will run up their percentage piledriving Hawthorn, before the more touch-and-go fixture against the Pies in Round 10. Given that you get stuff all for finishing top, other than the perceived easier fixture game against fourth place I'll cop it (UPDATE - I was in full VicBias mode and forgot that finishing top also gives you choice of Grand Final venue. Not confident enough in the finals to claim we're a certainty to make it, but I guess finishing on top will help) . It's been so long since we played Collingwood that I'd almost rather take the challenge of finally winning a final against the Crows.  

Final Thoughts
I still think the season is in the wrong place, but there is something to be said for enjoying wins in mid-October. Let's revisit this in January when, for the first time since 2017, I'll be left with no team to follow in any sport played in the southern hemisphere. Happy to be consoled with a flag.

Cruelty to animals

If you're going to play in a competition with only three good teams, best to be inside the tent looking out. A lot has been said, not much of it complimentary, about how bad the expansion teams are but it must be hard for fans of foundation clubs like Carlton and GWS (come on, be polite) to be watching dripping, rancid slop after seven seasons. It's not like they've been rubbish in the meantime, both have made finals, and via one of the worst competition structures ever devised the Blues even made a Grand Final. Now both are shite, but I didn't expect the Bulldogs to join the party with such relish.

Unlike the last time we pummelled a team called Footscray, it's unclear if there was any angst over a song that never made the Australian top 40. What we got instead was a pre-match address from Dogs coach Nathan Bourke that rivalled Adelaide's power stance for summoning up mystical spirits, standing in a circle of players holding hands and saying Melbourne "don't deserve to break this bond" or similar. This is probably the sort of nonsense all coaches do, but it's high risk letting the cameras film it in case the results goes tits up. See, for example, Mark Neeld's address that inspired us to keep the margin against Essendon to just 148.

To be fair to Bourke and his players, the bond took a while to stretch beyond breaking point and explode all over the south eastern suburbs. Given that they were kicking into the wind, (at Casey of all places...), a scoreless first quarter where the ball was permanently camped down our end isn't as bad as it sounds when you consider how many opportunities we failed to capitalise on. The dam wall burst eventually, but not before a few scary moments where it looked like we were going to leave in the game for as long as possible.

Judged purely on territory occupied, we were so dominant that the United Nations should have been invited to mediate. Which might have been a moral victory, but did nothing when our best scoring chance was Harris and a defender co-marking the ball. Apparently the same defender then disappeared into outer space, because the next thing you knew Paxman was heaving a handball to Tayla on her own at the top of the square. Consistent with her regular approach, she kicked the absolute buggery out of the ball, to the point where the goal umpire's life probably flashed before his eyes.

On the subject of Carlton not being any good all these years later, how good was it to get her on the cheap in the original multi-team MegaDeal™ and land possession accumulation machine Purcell at the same time? I don't care what sort of controversy was going on behind the scenes, she was very good last year, and other than the week off via unnecessary suspension has been better this time. 

All at our end for nothing better than Harris and a defender co-marking the ball. That defender apparently then disappeared into outer space because the next thing you know Paxman was lobbing a handball to Tayla standing on her own at the top of the square. Consistent with her regular approach, Harris kicked buggery out of the ball, to the point where it might have killed anyone who'd been standing in the way. Given that Harris seems to have been around forever, you may also have missed the bit where she's only 25. Several years more of this sort of thing please.

If nothing else, we now had six points on the board. There's been a lot of games this year where that score would have won the game, but I spent the first two and a half quarters waiting for a Bulldog response that never came. While you were waiting in vain for them to turn up, or for our ruthless streak to kick in, most of the fun was in what could be heard in the effects mic. When a kid (?) was caught screaming "SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE IT!!!" I was desperately hoping that somebody would be caught saying something offensive. Sadly not, or Channel 7 realised and lowered the sensitivity of the microphone before losing their licence.

When we gently chipped around an absent backline to set Harris up 40 metres out, with the wind, and without much angle, I had glorious visions of her kicking double figures, but this time the kicking of cover from ball went wrong, landing it out on the full. And that was as close as we got to another, on the rare occasions the Dogs got the ball to the right of screen it was instantly turned away, but we toiled away for just one more scoring shot. Inside 50s are the worst stat of all time, unless they help support your point, and 12-1 for a seven point lead was a bit wasteful. As always, it brought back memories of the time we get Freo to none in the first quarter and still lost.

In a win for the people who hatewatch AFLW for political reasons, AAMI are apparently donating $10 for every clanger this season. Their Chief Financial Officer would have winced every (admittedly rare) time Footscray got the ball from here, because they had absolutely no idea what they were doing. Ellie Blackburn should be on the phone to Nathan Jones for advice on how to deal with a sore back from carrying an entire team. Alternatively, having had her fun with the Dogs and winning a flag she should come home to where it all began. 

Concerns that we'd wasted what kept being talked up as a savage wind (but didn't look like one on TV) were heightened when the Dogs were having a shot 25 seconds into the second quarter. Long term viewers of any gender of Melbourne weren't surprised that the player who'd previously kicked one goal in 23 games landed it. "Oh shit" I thought, the Bulldogs said "that'll do us" and didn't get another for the rest of the day. 

From here, almost every highlight involves us slowly tormenting the Dogs until they collectively lost the will to live. For one good thing that didn't lead to a goal, let me reiterate how much fun I'm having watching Blaithin Mackin. At one point she ran down the wing taking bounces like Travis Johnstone, then set up Harris to pull down a tremendous one handed mark. Alas, this time Tayla's 100kmh style failed, with a quick play on and long bomb missing. 

Who knows if she played on because the wind would affect the set shot, or if she would have gone at that speed under any conditions, but I was still nervous about a comeback. Especially because we'd started pinging away madly at the allegedly wind-affected end of the ground. Finally the umpires did their bit to get us going, blatantly ignoring Zanker fiercely shoving an opponent out of the contest, ultimately leading to Hanks giving off to Bannan running into an open goal.

That was all the fragile visitors could stand, the next thing you know West's mowdown tackle was advanced to point blank range by a 50 and the wind could officially rack off. The ball went straight back down our end and we piled on an endless supply of behinds from every possible angle. Things were going so strongly in our favour that even when Hore didn't make the distance from 30 metres it still found Daisy in the pocket. She opened the angle more than any player in the history of the game but sliced it in off the post, leaving the door arguably ajar for us to be run down after half time. Remember, at this time it wasn't entirely clear how badly we were going to tonk them off the park.

The captain's miss unexpectedly led to carnage for her teammates, setting up the loose ball that Pearce (L) and Paxman clobbered heads over. Tellingly they were able to do this because there was no opponent within the same local government area. Paxman was left dripping blood like she'd just been run through a woodchipper, and my nerves about a collapse were not helped by the prospect of playing two short for the second. Had it come to that I'd have grudgingly had to accept that it was better that the game was being played in spring and not a 38 degrees summer afternoon. 

I'm not one to question the decision of qualified doctors but I've got no idea how Paxman was cleared to come back. Having to wear so much tape around the head that you look like something found in King Tut's tomb was one thing, but it's a miracle if she passed the concussion tests. Pearce did too, but in her case we opted to play safe an leave her on the bench for the second half. At the time both of them could have had fractured skulls for all we knew, so it was comforting when Zanker steered one through after the siren to extend the lead to 26.

I was reasonably confident we weren't going to lose from here, but you never know. Which is why I enjoyed Harris' ridiculous goal off the deck so much, especially as she was in the middle of being pushed over when the boot connected. Thanks to the umpire for doing us another solid by missing Bannan putting her opponent in a headlock about five seconds earlier.

Any Footscray fans slogging their way through what was now an obvious defeat would have considered doing anything else when they marked 30 metres out and failed to score. It was as comprehensive as you like, and if we hadn't already thumped Carlton and would presumably do the same to GWS, they were playing as badly as any foundation club could be expected to. And will probably still play finals, when under my Eddie McGuire-esque radical plan they'd be flat out trying to avoid relegation at the bottom of Division 1. We took an additional litre of piss out of them when Hore's centering pass from an outrageous angle skipped through for a goal.

Things were getting very bleak for Mr. Circle of Trust Nathan Bourke, and with former interim Dogs coach Sam Blease (yes, this actually happened) probably ready to launch a coup against him he chucked the magnets in the air. Forwards went back, backs went forward, Footscray went nowhere. To be fair they did kick two behinds for the quarter, while we whopped on another four into a breeze that I now believed to be fictional. 

The first FU of our 15 minute victory lap came when Goldrick decimated an opponent in a tackle, bedraggled players forgot to give the ball back, and Bannan ended with a mark and goal. She got the next one as well, taking advantage of the opposition all but left the ground. And why not, when Kayo informed me that the World Indoor Cricket Championships were also being played in the area. 

We almost conceded a goal, but their mark in the pocket led to no score after the player tried to kick about nine metres backwards to a teammate, who was subsequently wrapped up and didn't even get a shot off. There was a rare bit of good news for them at 52 points behind when what looked like a Purcell goal was called touched off the ball, then the pummelling resumed when Duffy kicked the next one anyway. 

It was all good fun, narrowly pushing ahead of Freo 2017 and West Coast 2020 as our second highest score/biggest win. Those wins both felt more savage, this was more death by a thousand cuts. It's not that the Dogs weren't having a bash, they were just methodically dismantled by a better side.

2022 (Spring) Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Tayla Harris
4 - Tyla Hanks
3 - Olivia Purcell
2 - Eliza West
1 - Sarah Lampard

Major apologies to Bannan and Hore. Other apologies to Mithen, Paxman, Zanker and pretty much everybody.

Leaderboard
Nothing for fans of random players this week, but the top of the leaderboard is becoming a battle royale of epic proportions. With at least four games to play this could go anywhere.

18 - Olivia Purcell
17 - Tyla Hanks
14 - Tayla Harris, Karen Paxman
12 - Eliza West
8 - Lily Mithen
5 - Eden Zanker
4 - Maddie Gay, Kate Hore, Sarah Lampard (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
2 - Libby Birch
1 - Lauren Pearce

Goal of the Week 

As much as I enjoyed the lightning toe poke by Harris, we'll pretend Hore meant to have her flying shot from the boundary. But we won't pretend enough to alter the top three for the season? 

1st - Alyssa Bannan vs North Melbourne 
2nd - Tayla Harris vs Carlton
3rd - Kate Hore vs Brisbane

Next Week 

There's more mid-table mediocrity on the cards when we travel to the Gold Coast on Saturday night. The Suns are only in the eight because Footscray's percentage collapsed like a Russian bridge, so with any luck they'll do the Dogs a favour and let us win by a massive margin again. You'd think we'd win easily but stranger things have happened. We'll be wearing the pride jumper, and in the words of Bill Hicks, if this bothers anyone I recommend you looking around at the world we live in and shutting your fucking mouth.

Final Thoughts
Fair way to celebrate a contract extension for Mick Stinear. And who'll ever say no to whipping the Dogs in any format?

Stop the boats

(Later I realised that this headline makes no sense, because if the boats don't stop in the first place you don't need a docker. Too late to get out of it now - editor) 

Say what you like about AFLW, but where else are you going to play a nautically themed team on a ground with a surplus Iraqi air raid siren? Well, to be fair, the 2015 men's pre-season - but when will you do it while watching a Melbourne side that wins more than it loses for seven consecutive seasons?

Standing in the way of our continued adventures in the top four, a Fremantle side that has plummeted from contention at warp speed. In 2020 they were on an unstoppable romp to the flag in arguably the league's best quality season before it was abruptly cancelled, now they're scraping the bottom of the barrel alongside overmatched expansion teams. 

In a week where, several months too late, people have started to take the idea of two divisions seriously, Freo's ladder position makes them relegation candidates but they're better than that. Like many teams in this competition, they've got a handful of excellent players at the top end, and a lot just holding a spot until somebody better comes along.

The purple people's situation is not as dire as last year, when we unleashed the cruellest treatment of dockers since Chris Corrigan, but you could still make a case for them pulling off an upset here. After a rotten start to the year they'd found (relative) form recently, were coming off a training run against the Eagles, and got to play us at home in weather that was like Equatorial Guinea compared to Casey Fields. And if you're into omens and mysticism, I suggested during the Brisbane review that we only ever lose to good teams so that could have been setting up an ironic defeat. Sure, we beat Carlton straight after but my girls are a combined nine years old and they could have got a kick that night.

Over the last couple of years I've been spoiled into expecting to win as red-hot favourites, to the point where our first true upset loss for either gender will probably set off a mental spiral that leaves me in state care. Why not here, while watching an hour on delay and expecting Kayo to screw me at any moment, as Freo were more than a match in the opening minutes. Turns out they only had three quarters in them, but considering their home weather advantage how was I supposed to know that?

After a bit of arm wrestle, it turns out our advantage came from (ironically, considering some of our recent issues) a more efficient forward line. Our first decent inside 50 of the afternoon went to ground, where Harris scooped the ball off the deck and thumped it through like it owed her money. The evidence for playing one of the best forwards in the history of the league as a forward was growing. Then she spent the rest of the game either a) doing gold medal hitouts, or b) taking tremendous saving marks in defence, and I was willing to accept that as long as somebody else could take a grab inside 50 then she can play anywhere they like. Having said that, we've seen enough times over the years that what looks good against lowly sides doesn't always stand up in important games.

The lead didn't last long, and the circumstances of their first goal were enough to send a shiver down the spine of cowards like me. It started with a forward a mile clear on the lead before dropping the ball cold - which was good - and ended in another doing the biggest throw in the city of Perth since the Western Force before they wobbled the snap through - which was bad. 

Given that the mark would have led to a kick at a distance only about five players in the league would have covered it might have been better if they'd just grabbed it the first time. I could understand the umpire missing the ball being chucked out of a pack, it made more since than when Eliza West caught a player for what should have been holding the ball, then dumped her upside with a German suplex and it didn't end up as a free for anyone.

If Freo weren't going to go away, we needed to make our opportunities count. Eventually they ran out of juice, but there were a few nervous moments early. Kate Hore ended up with three goals but started by running into an open goal and kicking on the full from 20 metres. Good thing for her, the St Kilda player who shanked a point from centimetres out had the market for shocking misses cornered.

Paxman missed another before we gifted them a golden opportunity right in front via Gay's good old fashioned two-handed shove in the back. They necked themselves with that kick, allowing us to put on a coast-to-coast rebounded masterclass that ended with Zanker wandering in at the other end. After the St Kilda incident, Channel 7 didn't have any faith in a player just because she had an unguarded square ahead of her, holding the camera on her as ball hit boot so you only knew it went through by the celebrations.

Scoring almost every time the ball went forward was different to normal policy, but Freo seemed almost as likely so this game was still a chance to go anywhere. As keen as I was to retake the all-time AFLW win back this was clearly not heading in the same direction as Adelaide 96, GWS 1.

We got a break from a defender suicidally diving on the ball 30 metres out directly in front and forgetting to do the Acting Football League routine. Daisy's subsequent goal didn't hurt for long. It would have helped if we could win a clearance. Enter Zanker, who got her second via a mark, and Harris doing another million dollar hitout towards Hanks that created another chance. Ironically our best centre break of the game ended up pinging the other way for Freo to turn two quality opportunities into a point. 

This made it clear that if we could keep scoring there was no way they'd catch us. Sounds obvious, but sometimes you can score five only for the other side to respond with 10. The Dockers would have needed to go until midnight to reach double figures under any circumstances. Our next came via Bannan turbo-boosting into space, flubbing her bounce, then regathering. This eventually set up Daisy to gently rotate in space for a bit before allowing Duffy to stitch up her old side. That's fun when it doesn't happen to us.

My anti-Harris in the middle propaganda tipped into full disarray when she did another tremendous tap to start the third quarter. This led to Hore giving us a three goal lead, and Tayla hit the next ball up so well that it was too fast for Hanks to run on to. It was that good I was almost at the point of going back and deleting all my complaints about her playing in the middle. Hanks might have double grabbed at this footy coming towards her at light speed, but she was otherwise excellent again. About time this club had a Rising Star winner that didn't immediately go into turmoil and/or demand a trade.

In some circumstances, this would have seemed a comfortable lead. As if you'd trust a Melbourne side with a lead. We were unlucky not to add another when a defender hung off Bannan in a marking contest like she was abseiling, then followed that by accidentally whacking her in the mouth. It was all red and blue now, which is why nobody was surprised when our next blown chance immediately begat a goal at the other end. This was bad news for the baby who was vigorously hoisted in the air in celebration behind the goal. If we hadn't defended so well from there somebody would have called child services.

With scant respect to the feelings of an innocent child, this briefly sent us into self-destruction mode, giving away a stupid downfield free for a late bump, then not properly marking their captain at the top of the square. She got the short pass, kicked the goal, and it was back to six points. The Dockers were kicking with something of a breeze but it wasn't the sort of divine wind that nearly guaranteed victory if we were in front at three quarter time. 

Breeze be buggered, the game was balanced precariously, and my tension was not helped by them having multiple opportunities against the wind in the final term. The low point was when we flung out of defence but lost the ball via West's botched kick. Then a 50 gave them another shot which mercifully failed to make the distance. After a hot start to the year I'm getting frustrated by West's disposal. See also her next rebound, which came off the boot like a sack of shit and rolled 20 metres along the ground. All's well that ends well, because that accidentally ended in Purcell kicking a crucial goal to put us 10 points up.

Shelley Heath deserves credit for Purcell's goal after taking a belting contested mark, and the former kung fu artist also had a big part in Hore's second. That was the end of the Dockers' resistance. Good news for the kid. Then Hore crumbed the bejesus out of a contest for our third and it was time to put the babies to bed rather than waving them about like the premiership cup. One spectator took Freo firing off distress signals like the Titanic so badly they started making animal noises.

Everyone contributed, but a moment please for Blaithin Mackin who I'm very keen on. Irish players being good kicks has become a cliche (especially when you ignore all the players who came here and were never heard of again), but for somebody who's been in Australia for six weeks a couple of her passes were spot on. Like Goldrick, who was lucky not to be pinged earlier for instinctively playing on, she can do things that get her into trouble but in open play her kicking is better than some players who grew up here.

By the last couple of minutes Freo had lost interest. Things got farcical when the ball stopped just before rolling over the boundary, Duffy casually tried a banana from the pocket, thought she'd hit the post and had to be told by her captain that it had gone through. Makes up for that one Hanks got ROBBED out of at Casey last season. And regardless of what it might have clipped on the way through, if that's the sort of madcap goal she's going to kick, pinching Duffy from the Dockers and waiting five weeks for her to find fitness was worth it.

It was a slow burn, but in the end 66 points represented our equal third best score of all time. Didn't feel like it, but you can't argue with six players sharing 10 goals. I don't expect this against top sides (would be nice though), but have renewed hope that if Harris stays unsuspended we're a premiership chance. Now that there's a double chance on for the top four - and only five good teams - we're in a reasonable position for the future.

On the other hand, Fremantle is now 17th. This says something about their fixture but should also be a source of immense shame considering the ratshit teams at that end of the table. The good news is that they get to play... Adelaide and Collingwood, before coming home with a stiff breeze against Sydney and Hawthorn. Which might see them climb to the giddy heights of 14th if they're lucky.  Bad luck, look up and learn something.

2022 (Spring) Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Tyla Hanks
4 - Lily Mithen
3 - Tayla Harris
2 - Kate Hore
1 - Olivia Purcell

Major apologies to Gay, Heath and Zanker. Apologies to Birch, Goldrick, Paxman and West.

Leaderboard
For once there's genuine drama at the top, with Hanks surging, Purcell slowing down, and Paxmania randomly breaking out every couple of weeks. No change in the minor awards, with Lampard still narrowly ahead of Birch in the defender race (though the committee will need to decide on an appeal from the People for Maddison Gay Committee on whether she should be ahead of both). Nothing yet for the Rookie of the Year.
 
15 - Olivia Purcell
14 - Karen Paxman
13 - Tyla Hanks
10 - Eliza West
9 - Tayla Harris
8 - Lily Mithen
5 - Eden Zanker
4 - Maddie Gay, Kate Hore
3 - Sarah Lampard (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
2 - Libby Birch
1 - Lauren Pearce

Goal of the Week 

Lots of goals, some of them very good, but no contenders for the annual award. For novelty value I'd like to nominate the Duffy banana experience.

1st - Alyssa Bannan vs North Melbourne 
2nd - Tayla Harris vs Carlton
3rd - Kate Hore vs Brisbane

Next Week 

On a weekend where Brisbane's percentage temporarily went above 300, everyone else gets to take their turn dismembering one of the awful teams while we... play a 4-2 Footscray. Ultimately, going through the 12 Tasks of Hercules will probably serve us better come finals than beating up on slop for months then running into the good sides when it counts. Mind you, our last two games are Essendon and West Coast, so hopefully it sets us on a path of destruction that rips through the finals like a tornado. Stranger things have happened.

There shouldn't be any need for changes - enforced or otherwise - for what should be the nearest thing to World War III this week not involving North Korea. I like to think we'll put the final seal on our top four credentials with a win but remain, as always, scared to death.

Final Thoughts
For perhaps the first time ever I've got nothing. Go the 'mons.

Princes pork

For all my whinging about starting AFLW season in September, it's nice to extend our Grand Final weekend winning streak be another year. Round 5 in a rushed season that's playing second fiddle to the men's finals and race hate scandals isn't nearly the same as kicking 100 of the last 107 points to win a flag, but it's still nice to be involved in something at this time of the year meatier than a half time sprint.

Considering how easily the Blues were dismissed it's hard to comprehend why I thought this was a danger game. They might have been mid-table, but as we've discussed at length the gap between the top six, middle six and bottom six is like the difference between the Gross Domestic Product of the USA, Estonia and Tuvalu. 

Earlier in the day, expansion walkovers Hawthorn and Sydney had a perfectly good, competitive game, which furthered my theory about playing in divisions for a couple of years. If they had hired me to run the league, and there's still time, I'd have narrowly had the Blues amongst the top nine sides but a run of injuries would already have them in deep relegation trouble. But, even at the stage where they're promoting players directly from the the scrapheap into their starting lineup, they can be thankful that the 18 team competition offers enough dud sides that they should finish the year without being disgraced.

With paper-thin lists, injuries are an absolutely valid excuse for struggle (mind you, we made finals for the first time after activating the 'break in case of emergency' recruitment rules), but my heart positively dripped blood for them as commentators lamented their youthful team, compared to our experienced, cohesive lineup. You'll certainly remember Carlton's battle to put a team together since joining the league in... its first game.

Regardless of how they got to this point, and how little pressure comes from the sides below, the Blues are as mid-table as any team in the history of the game. They're leaning into the gimmick so hard that they'd drawn their last two games. I was worried that we'd keep them close enough to leave the door open for an unprecedented threepeat of ties. That's because I'm a panicky idiot, serious pundits would have had their house and that of every living relative on us winning. If you lived through Sydney breaking a 26 game losing streak against us in 1993 you'd have trust issues too.

While we may have never won major honours in AFLW, we've also avoided losing as hot favourites too many times. There was GWS in season one ("surely they'll never play games at 5pm Friday again" I said) , and that first game against St Kilda, both caused by players kicking for goal as if blindfolded. Other than Mo Hope unleashing a Ms. Kingsley on us in Alice Springs, we've usually only lost to genuine contenders. That's no comfort to me, I expect everyone down to the South Morang Under 11s to keep things interesting against us.

Considering how many times we've beaten good teams, it was a bit baby out with the bathwater to declare us no chance of a flag based on one loss to Brisbane. Slowly roasting a mediocre Carlton hasn't fully changed my mind, but I am willing to accept that having Tayla Harris romping around the forward line like a Viking would have improved our chances. Instead we tried to beat a top side with an underdeveloped first game spearhead who was expected to make something of forward entries which could only be described as 'chaotic'. This situation shoudn't be repeated unless Tayla is injured or belts somebody again. 

The Blues were, to put it politely, shithouse. Yes injuries, but even if pre-season form is as untrustworthy as a politician it turns out beating them by 70 points was a hint of things to come. It wasn't so savage this time, instead of a six goal first quarter they were slowly drowned under a steady wave of goals throughout the first half, and a couple of exclamation marks later. Their response was to kick one goal, score a point in the second half, and barely have any chances other than that.

I've scoffed at inside 50s as a serious stat, but if they ever tell a story it's when a team registers a comically low amount. It might have pissed rain for 10 minutes before half time but 13 is a horrendous night. The only side to have less this year, and only by one, was when Sydney kicked 0.2. Even Freo went inside 50 times when their final score was one measly point. 

If there's ever been a team capable of keeping a team away from goal to that degree and still losing due to kicking 0.7 plus nine on the full it's us, but there was no such drama in this case. From the first bounce you could tell it would take self-destruction on an apocalyptic scale to offer the Blues any hope. Still, there were a couple of nervous minutes before the scoring started. Watching any variety of Melbourne you never know when the opposition will come out flat, then get a second life when they realise we can't put them away.

We were very good, but it wasn't without help from their rancid play. Let they whose team hasn't done 3000 turnovers cast the first stone but at one point a player was pinged for a last touch free because she completely missed her teammate with a handball. I'm not sure I've ever seen that before. Our first goal was born from an intercept in the middle, before Harris took a massive contested mark at 50, turned around and low-key booted the cover off it for the opener.

As much as I don't like it, Harris as second ruck is apparently what we're doing now, but I will note that when she went forward it was generally within the sort of range where damage could be done. Compare to pre-suspension when she'd mark on the wing and look up to see nobody who could get on the end of her kick. We desperately need somebody else who can take a contested mark inside 50, by the looks of it that will never be Bannan or Zanker. Each have their charms, though neither contributed much here, but neither's going to be a KPF. 

I suppose you park Georgia Campbell at FF for Casey in next year's VFLW and hope for the best, or try and pinch one off another team. There must be prospects at one of the rock bottom teams who don't want to wait years for a win, let's exhibit big club energy and pinch one of them. This was probably the method we used to get Olivia Purcell from Geelong, and she'd turned into a possession gathering machine. Her 30 tonight is the most we've ever had in a game, and while I'm not going to sign a stat dec vouching for their efficiency, it's can't hurt having somebody win so much ball. 

Compare Purcell's accumulation with the three Carlton players who reached half time without a touch. Three more had one each and it was no wonder they barely looked like scoring. At the other end we threatened to kick a large score, and might have with a bit more marking power. See, for instance, a certain T. Harris, who dismissed two opponents to take the grab that led to our second. She does good work up the ground, and a link player would have come in handy last week, but that's all academic if you can never get the ball to a player within range to score.

You'd be mad to trust any Melbourne lead, but after keeping them to a point in the opening quarter, Paxman's ice cold Petracca in Perth style finish (and come to think of it, Harris' first was a bit like his opener that night too, so it's was nice of them to pay tribute to the greatest event in the history of the world) made it obvious where this was going. The only question was how far. 

Even when we were three goals up against Brisbane you could tell they were capable of scoring,  while  Carlton looked a half chance of finishing goalless. So I still thought "here we go" when they finally got one in completely unorthodox fashion, with a hopeful kick at a ball that hit the deck after a ball up, which then only got past a diving Birch on the line by taking a zany bounce. If that was the best they could do in a quarter and a half we should have been right. Turned out to be the best they could do in four full quarters.

It doesn't feel right now that it was still only 14 points the difference late in the first half. Enter, at last, Sabreena Duffy. After much speculation of whether she actually existed, the ex-Freo forward ran onto a handball from Daisy, took advantage of a quality shepherd from Hore, and opened her account for us. She didn't get much of the ball (and please, for the sake of headline writers everywhere can she win a game after launching into a tackle Ginnivan style so we can do 'Duffy Duck'), but still looked good and will comfortably retain her spot from here.

The Blues were still barely alive before letting another in just before the break. With one play to navigate, another Daisy handball found Harris storming towards goal, and she booted it through mid-tackle to extend the margin to four goals. Even I was ready to concede it was game over at this point, though I'd never have said it publicly.

If, like me, you were hoping to plunder Carlton for a record score, there wasn't much to offer in the third quarter. They were kept at arms' length while we picked up a million inside 50s for nowt but points and intercept marks. Even the goal we did get had an element of luck about it, bouncing straight back into Hore's hands at the top of the square with 40 seconds left.

By now the hard work was done, and with the four points easily in the bag the last quarter was about a) percentage, and b) any implications for next week. So Paxman lightly bumping a player with her head over the ball in the opening minute was a bit of a concern. It was more of a collision than an assassination attempt so I'd be outraged if she ended with anything more than a token fine.

I'd love to have run away with it but it again took until right at the end to get our only goal. At least it was a good one, with 50 gamer Lauren Pearce turning her opponent inside out, regathering and snapping. I know the Blues had lost the will to live by this point, but if more teams could allow our forwards to be in one-on-ones that close to goal it would be much appreciated.

So, it was all very good. I still don't know if it translates to winning finals but you can only beat who's in front of you - and given that about 14 of those sides are going to be the drizzling shits then we should win a lot more games than we lose this year.

2022 (Spring) Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Tayla Harris
4 - Olivia Purcell
3 - Tyla Hanks
2 - Sarah Lampard
1 - Karen Paxman

Apologies to Gay, Mithen, Paxman, West and Hore.

Leaderboard
It could be the first time we've ever had a leader with higher votes than kicking efficiency, but welcome to the wild world of AFLW.

14 - Karen Paxman, Olivia Purcell
10 - Eliza West
8 - Tyla Hanks
6 - Tayla Harris
5 - Eden Zanker
4 - Maddie Gay, Lily Mithen
3 - Sarah Lampard (JOINT LEADER: Defender of the Year)
2 - Libby Birch, Kate Hore
1 - Lauren Pearce

Goal of the Week 

Apologies to Paxmania at the start of the second quarter but I've got to go with Harris kicking an intercontinental ballistic missile that Vladimir Putin would be proud of. I enjoyed it so much she leaps into second place in the seasonal leaderboard.

1st - Alyssa Bannan vs North Melbourne 
2nd - Tayla Harris vs Carlton
3rd - Kate Hore vs Brisbane

Next Week 

It's back to dear old Perth to take on the Dockers. Last time this happened we won by a record margin and Daisy kicked five, but I've got no expectations of similar slaughter this time. For one, they won't be so short on players that randoms are being called two hours before the bounce and invited to come down for a kick. 

The good news is that while Freo are from of COVID (and haven't 'health and safety protocols' gone out the window recently?), they're still not very good. They just won their first game of the year against a West Coast side that had previously been propped up by the most generous draw in history, and drew against the same side we just trounced. Due to my deep mental scars I'm prepared to focus instead on them nearly beating Footscray and wondering the same could happen again.

It should not, which would set us up for a blockbuster against the Dogs a week later. Then we roll home downhill against some of the shit teams on to Qualifying and/or, Preliminary and/or Grand Final glory.

Final Thoughts
This was the eighth time this year that a side has scored fewer than 10 points, which might be a necessary evil when you're sprinting to get to 18 teams as soon as possible but makes the season feel like a placeholder that the league is just trying to get out of the way before coming back seriously in spring 2023. It won't stop me getting excited if we win the flag - I've got a lovely spot right next to my framed men's premiership merch for whichever gender wins one next.

One on the Clapometer

Hello, I'm back again, crawling out from under the digital rock to get on with my footballing life post-straight sets. At least the men are still defending premier, at the time of writing, for another five days. Thanks again to guest reporter Olivia for stepping in last week while I had a breakdown. As much as I wanted to ignore footy for the rest of 2022, I can't help myself from getting involved in anything with Melbourne written on it. Even when Narrm is temporarily plastered over the top. And just like the men, we discovered that you never go full Narrm. It always starts with a win in the first week, then a loss.

Speaking of teams that have rebranded, my curtain raiser was the Casey Demons (nee Springvale Scorpions) winning a flag in the worst weather since Paul Peos was pelted from a great height at Waverley. I was very happy for all involved, especially the non-AFL players who really care but was still watching an adopted kid win. I want more premierships from real deal Melbourne Football Club teams, so the pressure is on the women to complete the set.

In a competition that has more sub-divisions than the House of Representatives, starting the season with wins against Adelaide and North was a good start. If we beat another genuine premiership contender my numerous doubts about our flag credentials would have disappeared for a bit. In the spirit of all teams called Melbourne in 2022, everything looked good early then plummeted like Evil Knievel jumping Snake River. 

If there's ever going to be a ground subject to deadly cricket ball style hail it'll be Casey, but given that I live at the other end of the Melbourne metropolitan area and we'd been battered with a storm 20 minutes before the bounce it looked like the first time the Cranbourne rain belt would ever provide a superior weather experience. Then the banner went within 0.1% stretch of falling apart due to wind, and ominous looking skies suggested players would be ankle deep in slush by quarter time. 

Sadly, we never got to find out if the world's most cheerful boundary rider could maintain enthusiasm for the full four quarters as my weather predictions proved spot on. The dark clouds were there - for now in the sky rather than on-field - but were travelling away from Casey, delivering the big piss to everyone east of Cranbourne but leaving the playing area untouched.

In the event of heavy rain, a start would be important. Shame it didn't come, because we jumped to a three goal lead and temporarily looked irresistable. It stayed dry, Brisbane eventually turned up and we slide slowly to our doom across the next two and a half quarters. You'd never guess how bad we'd be at scoring in the last three quarters when you saw Zanker swipe the ball and stuff through the opener. The problem, as we discovered throughout the afternoon, is that it's one thing to have players who can kick for distance but you have to get the ball down there to start with. 

For now it looked as big a landslide as the one that tore St Kilda apart before quarter time last week. Daisy didn't do much because the ball didn't go down her end often, but put on a perfect block at a ball up for Hore to run in from a range she couldn't miss from. Our all time greatest/notoriously wonky goalkicker then snapped a ripper out of the pocket and looked set for a massive day. And then we kicked one more goal for the rest of the game.

Conditions didn't deteriorate - and consider that we'd just seen a brave patron at the VFL pull his hoodie up and keep necking a can while Hurricane Katrina dropped on him - but it was still a day for crumb. Including Brisbane toepoking their first from the square. Fans of the men's game will recognise the same sort of non-existent defence that allowed the Lions to beat Richmond and ultimately stitch us up a week later. You'll also have noticed the similarities between sides called Melbourne fanging to an early lead at maximum speed then hitting the brakes and letting the other side back in. 

Perhaps if we'd got the ball down our end something would have happened, instead Brisbane forced us into full defensive mode for several minutes. It did more to ruin the game as a spectacle than over-expansion, and making players compete under infantile rules (smaller balls, less players, shorter quarters etc...) combined, but stopped us from running away with the game.

Brisbane had obviously done their research, because for once West and Purcell weren't allowed to rack up a thousand possessions combined. This didn't seem to affect us greatly, even with a first gamer from Northern Ireland/Ireland/United Kingdom (delete as applicable, I'm not getting involved in political scandal) who arrived in the country a month ago. Mackin could have done with a game against a shit side to get her feet, but improved as the game went on. She's also a quick learner, with a strong Acting Football League line in pretending you're trying to handball when tackled. 

In the absence of our early season stars, it was welcome back to celebrity Bunnings spokesperson Tyla Hanks, who reminded us of why she looked set to go supernova last year. I'd prefer she was the one getting bulk possessions over the other two, but once the Lions got on top it would have been good if anyone could get the ball and find a target further up the ground than the defensive 50 arc.

Tayla Harris would have come in handy, but was suspended due to finally achieving her dream of walloping somebody. This opened the door for the most novelty father/anybody selection of all time, as Georgia Campbell carried on the legacy of her dad's... err... two game stint in 1994. I bet plenty of people still think her dad is Tony. Campbell was also eligible for Footscray but apparently chose us because she lives closer to Cranbourne than the Western Oval, which might make it the first time anyone has ever considered Casey the lesser of two evils. She also appears to have Birch-esque white line fever, giving away one downfield free, then pushing an opponent over as they crossed the line. The actual getting of ball was a bit harder, restricted to one possession and never got into the game.

The prospect of another hot start going up in smoke became real when Brisbane spent the first five minutes of the second quarter camped inside 50. It eventually ended in a goal when Libby Birch was left grappling with an opponent while the rest of the defence had ducked off for a milkshake, allowing another player to waltz in under minimal pressure. Midway through the quarter we hadn't been inside 50 and I don't think the ball had gone into our side of the ground. Even when it did happen there was no reward. All the miracle goals were gone and we weren't much chance of creating one the old fashioned way. There was one bit where a fluke kick hit Paxman after travelling a distance that 9/10 umpires would probably pay. I reckon he'd already decided it was play on as initial kick was shanked and couldn't readjust in time.

Like [deleted on legal advice] in Perth, we were on the rack. The Lions blew multiple chances as we struggled to get the ball away from our end. Enter - again - Tyla Hanks, who can both tell you which aisle to buy a whippersnipper in AND kick vital goals. She also demonstrated magician style sleight of hand at one point, getting away with the biggest throw of all time directly in front of an umpire.

That goal shifted some of the momentum. Now we got the ball down our end and wouldn't let the Lions out. The difference being that the Lions didn't just keep us out, they eventually executed a golden coast-to-coast for a goal against the run of play. It looked like the player initially dropped the ball while being tackled before soccering through anyway. I'll assume they decided it hit her boot on the way between hand and ground the first time. Good luck getting a critical analysis on commentary, they didn't even know who half the players were.

A four point margin at the last change set the stage for our old friend Greta Bodey to have her third attempt after beating us with a goal after a siren. There was no need, the game was dead and buried by the final stages. Why wait for somebody to kick a set shot when opposition defenders punch the ball off a pack and directly to a player running into goal. I don't blame the backline, they'd been under siege all day so it's understandable that cracks would appear eventually. 

While we're on the subject of crumb, you'll never believe how they got their next one. Meanwhile we continued to rely on the same combination of set shots and freak snaps that carried us to the giddy heights of being thrashed in a Grand Final. Losing Harris didn't help, she played her best game of the year against Brisbane last year and was sorely missed here. Even in her questionable new role playing further up the ground, a few relieving marks would have helped.

Down we went without a trace, even Hanks was rumbled holding the ball (on a day where you had to be 101% guilty for it to be paid), and when the free kick fell short it landed straight in the hands of a player in the pocket. That only ended in a point, before our death sentence was pronounced by an intercepted handball and goal. Keep the ball down there long enough and something good will happen. We did get it straight out of the middle, but with the chance to get it back under two goals Hore spun out of traffic, faced an open goal and missed. 

In case you're counting at home, that's nine goals in the last two first quarters and one in the other six combined. Seems like an issue. Scoring is all that's holding us back at the moment, it's one thing to build on a solid defensive base but in a low scoring competition you're asking for trouble going 3/4 of a game without a goal. Good thing St Kilda were putrid at the start last week or they'd have made things interesting too.

I say it every year and we find a way to contend but this isn't a premiership team. We'll beat some of the rubbish teams into dust, but this will fall over well before the Grand Final unless they sort out the forward line. Feels like I've been saying that for seven seasons and they continually find a way to pluck victories, but surely we've learnt by now that near enough isn't good enough.

2022 (Spring) Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Tyla Hanks 
--- a fair old distance ---
4 - Lily Mithen
--- an equally lengthy gap ---
3 - Maddie Gay
2 - Kate Hore
1 - Lauren Pearce

Apologies to Paxman, Purcell, Lampard (who will get to run through a banner for 50 apologies soon) and Zanker

Leaderboard 

I left with the big three pocketing top votes every week, I come back to all of them missing out. Keeps things interesting. They've still got a commanding lead at the head of the pack.

13 - Karen Paxman
10 - Eliza West, Olivia Purcell
5 - Tyla Hanks, Eden Zanker
4 - Maddie Gay, Lily Mithen

2 - Libby Birch (LEADER: Defender of the Year), Kate Hore
1 - Tayla Harris, Sarah Lampard, Lauren Pearce

Goal of the Week 

Hard to go past Hore in the first quarter - where all the action is - and indeed I think it was good enough to jump her back into the top three. Let's have some of these in the second, third or fourth quarters next week?

1st - Alyssa Bannan vs North Melbourne 
2nd - Kate Hore vs Brisbane

3rd - Tyla Hanks vs Adelaide 

Next Week 

While everyone else gets to lay the boots into an expansion team, we get to play the W's ultimate mid-table mediocrity side Carlton. Considering how close they came to beating us last year I wouldn't take for granted that we'll return to the winners' circle. Could be a good opportunity for Harris to belt one of her old teammates, and she comes back in for Campbell at the warpest warp speed.

The good news for Sabreena Duffy fanatics is that she is alive and well, named as a emergency this week. Drop whoever you like but pick her instantly. Otherwise, unless Goldrick is ready, I don't see the need for changes outside the forward 50. Mackin came in for the much more experience Ivey but arguably showed more in one game against a top side than Ivey has done in three weeks. And if you're going to cart somebody halfway around the world to play a foreign sport you may as well get experience into them ASAP.

We beat the Blues 86-16 in a pre-season game but they must have been playing the reserves, because there's no way the margin will get anything like that under regular conditions. I think we'll win via an excessively difficult struggle.

Final Thoughts
The way this wacky league goes we'll either score 100 points or seven next week.

Kicking like the wind

(Editor's note - I was already burnt out to a crisp, then the men being eliminated in farcical fashion sent me completely off the deep end. I look forward to crawling out from under the digital rock eventually, but in the meantime thanks to Olivia for taking the guest reporter challenge.)

Greetings from your newly minted AFLW guest reporter (unless Adam ever needs a men's match report from the Members'...) I come to you extremely well qualified for the job as both a woman and a lifelong Demons supporter – inherited rather than by choice, though I've never wavered (well apart from maybe a small wobble in the depths of the Neeld debacle) – but I'm still sometimes confused by the finer points of free kick rules. 

My supporting life only really goes back as far as the last couple of years of the Daniher era, although I have vague warm and fuzzy memories of the Demons being mighty in the (very) late 90s – early 2000s, when they weren't losing the Grand Final by a significant margin. 

By the time the AFLW started I was close to despairing of ever seeing a successful Demons team, so discovering there was a team called Melbourne who were actually very good and would continue to contend in every season made a nice change from hoping to at least avoid the wooden spoon. Even after many years of getting close but never actually winning the elusive flag they've still been good enough for me to maintain my enthusiasm, albeit only enough to get me to a handful of games. Casey Fields is a lovely ground (when not blowing a gale) but it's a long way from anywhere I'd consider a convenient location for me to attend games at. 

This week I started watching on significant delay for various reasons, and the delay was then compounded by a lengthy pause for blog-writing-related technical issues. Consequently, by the time I was watching the second half I had seen the final score, but by that point of the match it was pretty clear which direction the result was heading, and the journey still held plenty of interest. 

We were wearing a pretty spectacular guernsey for indigenous round, which was nearly identical to the men's one from this season but nonetheless a beautiful design. Like the men's indigenous rounds earlier this year we were competing as Narrm, a name change the commentators seemed to adjust to without incident. This also meant that there were a few formalities before the bounce, but they all went off without a hitch and very soon the game was on. 

Both sides came into this game undefeated and St Kilda also had an impressive percentage, but that was off the back of strong victories against two brand-new hurriedly constructed expansion sides, so this would be the much-improved Saints' first big test this season. 

The opening minutes seemed to be pointing to a tight and scrappy contest, but it wasn't long before we got it inside 50 via a great intercept mark from Sheriff. Her kick didn't hit a target and St Kilda took it out, but the kick was picked off by Tayla Harris, who sent off a lovely kick to the goal square, where it was marked behind two Saints by Kate Hore. The unfortunately named Hore kicked truly against a significant wind, and the Demons were off. 

Thoughts of St Kilda producing a quick response were soon seen off by a similar sequence of the Demons getting inside 50 without a mark, the Saints getting the ball back and kicking it out only for it to be marked by a Demon and sent straight back in, this time being marked by Megan Fitzsimon. She again put it through, apparently with an assist from Tayla Harris occupying the St Kilda defender on the goal line, according to the commentators. The broadcast gave only the briefest of close-ups as the ball crossed the line, so viewers had to take their word for it. 

Our next came a few minutes later via some sterling ruck work from Eden Zanker at a throw-in, hitting it straight into the path of Eliza West, who kicked it to a player who went unidentified as the commentators were busy talking to Lily Mithen from the bench. It looked like Maeve Chaplin to me, but the wide angle and lack of visible jumper numbers made it hard to be sure. At any rate, probably-Chaplin sent it back inside to be nicely marked in a contest by Jordan Ivey. She decided she didn't have the distance and passed it off to the pocket, where everyone's favourite mullet Karen Paxman pulled down another nice contested grab. She again kicked straight in spite of the wind, and the scoreline was starting to look ominous. 

Barely a minute later we got another without St Kilda, for all their good work early, registering so much as a point. This time Zanker pulled down the Sherrin from a ball up in the forward pocket, and kicked a lovely snap from almost directly in front, which duly bounced through for a goal. 

By now there were less than five minutes left in the quarter and the Saints could be forgiven for hoping things might slow down, but a free to us in the middle led to an inside 50 off the boot of Fitzsimon, which bounced off Zanker's back into the hands of Alyssa Bannan, who was promptly tackled but got rid of the ball in the direction of multiple Demons. Some juggling led to a kick towards the pocket, which didn't hit a target but was mopped up by our fearless leader Daisy Pearce, who passed it back to Mithen. She took the sensible option and sent it to the top of the goal square to a waiting Bannan in miles of space. Even the commentators pointed out what poor defensive work this was from the Saints, as Bannan went back and, like every other shot for goal so far, put it through for a major. 

With only a little over three minutes left in the quarter St Kilda players and fans were no doubt hoping to run down the clock without further scoreboard damage, and in fact they got through nearly two minutes before a St Kilda player’s attempt at kicking the ball far away from our 50 was smothered and the ball quickly sent back inside to be marked by Zanker almost directly in front, a few metres outside the goal square. As was becoming the theme of the game, she duly turned around and kicked a regulation set shot goal. 

The dream run finally came to an end late in the quarter, with yet another forward 50 entry ending in a rushed behind. At quarter time St Kilda fans were no doubt bracing themselves for a bloodbath, but in fact the Demons would remain goalless for the rest of the game. This was not for lack of trying, and there may very well have been a wind factor impacting our kicking for goal, but as it turned out St Kilda were unable to capitalise on Narrm's three quarters of inaccuracy, so our blistering first quarter turned out to be enough to get the four points. 

Of course, in the midst of the second quarter the lack of scoring did seem to open up the possibility of a Saints comeback, but the fact that it took them most of the quarter to finally score their first goal made a six-goal turnaround by the home side in the remaining half appear unlikely. 

The second quarter started with what appeared to be more of the same, with Daisy Pearce quickly sending the ball inside 50, only for the Saints defence to finally wake up and intercept the kick, leading to some juggling which ended in a behind for the Demons.

In a pattern that would soon become familiar, the by now usual centre scrimmage led to a kick which ended up in the hands of Libby Birch via a lovely contested mark just outside our 50, and she sent it inside where Bannan took another great contested mark only to miss the set shot. Just about everything the Demons did seemed to be working, apart from our goalkicking. 

Fortunately for Narrm, St Kilda weren't faring much better. A nice passage in the middle of the quarter ended in a mark just barely on the Saints 50 by a tall redhead called Shierlaw, who sent it inside only for the kick to be picked off by the ever-reliable Paxman. Shierlaw would feature quite heavily in the Saints forward line for the rest of the afternoon, but scoring shots continued to be few and far between for both sides. 

St Kilda finally got their first late in the quarter, when Shierlaw was the beneficiary of a free kick paid against Libby Birch in the Saints forward 50, and against all trends of play kicked truly in front of goal. Giving away a free in the opposition's forward 50 is never advisable, but unlike the men's game two days earlier this one was never likely to turn the result around so I'm prepared to forgive Birch, who was otherwise very good in defence. 

At half-time the Saints late burst of life suggested a comeback was possible, but they were still in need of a five-goal turnaround against a significant wind, and so far they hadn't managed to capitalise much on Narrm's scoring slowdown. Even so, trusting teams called Melbourne (or Narrm) to hold on a lead has been a risky endeavour this year so a touch of nervousness seemed warranted. 

Or it would have, had a significant viewing delay combined with a lengthy half-time pause not led to me spotting the final score while searching the AFLW app for a list of players. Incidentally, I'm not sure why the app can’t show the same stats as the men, the framework would already exist and surely it's not that much harder to collect the data for the women's games? I would have loved the score breakdown the men's games get that shows touched and rushed behinds for this game. Ah well, maybe next year they can fund it with all that TV rights money. 

Knowing how the game turned out did allow me to approach the second half in a much more relaxed mindset, though even without that I wouldn't have been terribly worried unless the Saints started to look like getting a run on. As it turned out, the ball spent most of the third quarter camped in or near the Demons' forward 50, resulting in four scoring shots which all ended with behinds. The Saints finally broke through with around four minutes left in the term, with a passage that ended in a player clunking a mark inside 50 and then putting the set shot through for a major in spite of the strong wind. 

At three quarter time it was clear the Saints would need to do something remarkable to steal a win, and what they'd shown so far suggested that while they are no doubt a good side they probably didn't have it in them. They came in to this match undefeated, and looking like they might finally have got it together after several pretty ordinary seasons, but Narrm have consistently been a top side and are hungry coming off a Grand Final defeat last season, so it was always going to be a big ask for St Kilda to knock over the Dees. 

Mick Stinear, being interviewed as the players prepared for the start of the final term, made some interesting comments when asked how the Demons could improve their goal scoring in the final term. He said words to the effect that they needed to "work together to score a goal instead of all going for the same outcome". I wasn't quite sure what he meant, and I'm still not totally clear, but I think he may have been referring to not getting in each other's way, or possibly taking risky shots when there's a better option available? That's something the men could spend some time thinking about. 

Soon after the siren sounded the Saints made things interesting by getting their third, again through Sheirlaw. They were now only four goals down, so if they managed to get another quickly a comeback could be at least possible, though the clock was now very much against them. It turned out this would be the last goal of the game, though not for lack of trying. 

Fortunately for Demons supporters' nerve,s, at the next bounce the ball was very quickly sent in a Demons direction, with Fitzsimon again getting on the end of a forward 50 entry. She was very good in the forward line all day, starting well with a contribution to our first quarter hail of goals. This time her kick was accurate but the ball was touched before it crossed the goal. By my recollection this was just one of many near-goals saved by the St Kilda defence, but I don't have the relevant stat available to verify this impression or the energy to trawl through the full reply to check, so you'll have to take my word for it. 

As the clock ticked towards certain victory territory the Saints were putting up a decent fight, but neither side was getting much reward for effort on the scoreboard. St Kilda nearly set up another, with Sheirlaw again taking what should have been a good contested mark within range, but she dropped the ball on the way down and apparently none of the umpires had a good view because the mark wasn't paid despite her having clear control of the ball well before the fumble. I don't pretend to be an expert on these things, but I agreed with the commentators that it was very stiff not to give Sheirlaw the mark.

In any case, the Saints kept control and created a shot from somewhere not long after, but it only went through for a behind. Kelli Underwood, leading the commentary alongside an assortment of active players from other teams, initially called it correctly only to backtrack and call it a goal, by her own admission based on the crowd response. I don't subscribe to the vehement dislike of Underwood expressed by some, but I did think that was not the only time her commentary left something to be desired. 

Kelli seemed to be a fan of a Saint called Greiser, making repeated references to "the G-train" any time said player was anywhere near the ball. I have no idea whether that's an actual fan nickname or one Underwood was trying to popularise, but either way I found what had started as an amusing distraction distinctly grating by the time the final siren went. It seemed like Greiser was almost the only St Kilda player Underwood knew at times, which was a bit disappointing. 

The final quarter would bring some more questionable commentary on both teams. An inside 50 for the Dees ended up in the hands of Bannan vaguely in the vicinity of the goal posts. As she turned goalward Underwood said with much excitement “she knows where the goals are, she loves to kick them!” Alas, no goal was forthcoming this time. Eventual we set up another shot with another Fitzsimon mark but her shot was quickly smothered. 

The clock was running down but there was still time for more commentary fun when a Saints kick to a contest featuring Greiser inside 50 was described by Kelli Underwood as "set up for the G-train", only for Greiser not to get anywhere near it while the Demons almost immediately got the ball and send it back out. 

With the game all but won, Lauren Pearce, after a very good day, had a chance to end it on a high note with exactly one minute left, but like all of our shots after quarter time she only got it through for a point, with the shot intercepted by a St Kilda defender on the goal line. The Demons were still more than four goals up, so it had zero impact on the eventual result, but it was disappointing nonetheless. 

All in all, this was a match that highlighted the differences from the men's game, with a relatively low score being enough to hang on despite three quarters of inaccuracy, with the significant wind at the ground no doubt an important factor. Our vast experience kicking into a gale at Casey seemed to put us in good stead early, but perhaps the wind changed as the game went on, because our accuracy certainly didn't last for four quarters. 

The shorter quarters would seem to make it easier to defend a lead even when scoring is hard, though the opposition only scoring half as many goals in the final three quarters as us in the first definitely helped. Against a top team we might not have gotten away with it, but St Kilda, though significantly better than in previous seasons, are not quite there yet. 

Overall, despite early signs of a four quarter display of dominance over lesser opposition this turned out to be a match for us to bank the four points and move along, rather than one supporters would look back on fondly as a gripping contest. It did at least provide a nice distraction from the mens side's disappointing result two days earlier. 

2022 (Spring) Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 Eden Zanker
4 Eliza West
3 Karen Paxman
2 Olivia Purcell
1 Tayla Harris 

Apologies Birch, Fitzsimon, Harris, Mithen, L Pearce and Hore 

Zanker was extremely influential, taking many good marks and kicking two goals, on top of her share of ruck duties. Eliza West was in everything around the middle, and was a key part of the delivery to our forwards. Harris also had a good day out, taking 4 marks, many of them contested, and did well in the ruck but scored only a solitary behind. One of her excellent marks has even been nominated for Mark of the Year, so at this point I'd say we're finally getting some return on the potential she didn't quite live up to last season. Olivia Purcell recorded a PB 26 disposals, but I thought she didn't have as much impact with the ball as some, which just goes to show how the stats don't always tell the whole story. 

Paxman was dependable as ever, taking good marks at both ends and kicking a goal in our first quarter blitz. Though she wasn't best on here, I'd like to take this opportunity to put in a vote for the best player award to be renamed after her. Surely after winning it so many times she's earned it. 

There were many players who had good games today but couldn't be fitted into the votes due to the many excellent performances. Lily Mithen was her usual busy self according to the stats, and Lauren Pearce also had a good day in the ruck. The other Pearce, our esteemed captain, had a quiet day from what I could tell, but she can't be expected to be a superstar every week. Over in defence, Libby Birch did well outside of the Sheirlaw free, cutting off more than one Saints passage with an intercept mark.

Leaderboard 

My choices have caused a bit of shuffling in the places, with Eliza West now drawing level with Olivia Purcell in second. Zanker also zooms into third with this week's BOG. The votes were of course decided by the very scientific method of my impressions of what I could see on the broadcast plus the comparatively meagre available stats, so some details may have been missed. If this game ends up stiffing someone out of an award I'll front up to a stewards inquiry at the end of the season, until then register your disagreement via the usual channels. 

13 Karen Paxman
10 Eliza West, Olivia Purcell
5 Eden Zanker
2 Libby Birch
1 Maddie Gay, Sarah Lampard, Tayla Harris 

Goal of the Week 

There was of course a selection to choose from, but my vote goes to Zanker's snap, as one of the few not to come from a more or less regulation set shot. It was a good goal, but I’m not sure it's goal of the year material, so no need to knock off the season leader. Perhaps into third though. No offence to Daisy but I think Zanker’s was a better goal all things considered. 

1st - Alyssa Bannan vs North Melbourne 

2nd - Tyla Hanks vs Adelaide 

3rd - Eden Zanker vs St Kilda 

Next Week 

It's ladder leaders Brisbane back at our home deck in the windswept grasslands of Casey Fields. We have a decent record against them, but they've been in dangerous form so far, so anything could happen. At time of writing there's been some whinging about what could well be game of the round between two of the leading teams of the competition being held in the far reaches of Melbourne's southeastern suburbs rather than the perfectly good stadium that will be sitting unused at Docklands, but nothing's come of it. Won't make any difference to me as I won't be going regardless, but I'm always in favour of home games at more accessible locations. 

I don't have many suggestions on selection changes because I don't think anyone played terribly, but we will need to bring our best against the Lions, so some accurate goalkickers would be useful. Maddie Gay is apparently a chance, but at this point in the season I'm not sure it's worth the risk of rushing her back if not fully fit. It should be a good contest, but it could well be the end of our unbeaten run. Alternatively, a victory over the Lions would put us in an excellent position for another run at the premiership before Daisy retires to coach Geelong. At least one Demon side is still a legitimate chance of a flag this year. 

Final Thoughts

We played well but less than stellar opposition probably made us look excellent in comparison, so let's bank the points and move right along. Kicking accurately in front of goal for four quarters instead of one would be handy against the Lions.