FFC vs FFS

If last week went into the 'pretend it means something because we won' file, our only proper venue practice match of the 2021 pre-season can be slotted neatly into 'it didn't mean anything because we lost'. Or the nearest wood-chipper. Your choice.

The good is that even though we lost comprehensively there are a list of excuses long enough to satisfy anybody from the people who always think the sky is falling to the lunatics who start every season thinking we might contend for a flag. I didn't learn anything from this game that I didn't already know, unless something tremendously NQR happens we're not going to win the flag but we're still neck-deep in the running for the top eight.

In theory I could have gone to Docklands to watch this low-end debacle play out live, but obviously the last two years have cured me of my decade long addiction to seeing every game in Victoria - no matter how meaningless - live. Instead of going to the city on three hours sleep (and once upon a time I'd have done it on none) I chickened out, activated the megawall, watched from under a comfy blanket and had no regrets. My compliments to everyone who helped bring us to the point where scratch matches can be watched from anywhere in the world.

Once I realised Docklands hadn't bothered to open the top level I was even less concerned about having missed out. Sure, the old virus seems to be under control at the moment (and nothing at all went wrong the last time I said that) and less than 8000 enthusiasts turned up, but forcing everyone to sit in the same area still seems counter-productive to the idea of social distancing. I'll certainly be trying to avoid sitting near other people all season. Mind you, that's got nothing to do with COVID-19.

Speaking of social issues, it's appropriate that the footy in a Melbourne game would be sponsored by 'Lifeline'. If we play like this in Round 1 they'll have to call in extra operators. For now, it was at the low end of the pre-season trauma scale. There were worrying signs, and you wouldn't be human if you weren't a bit scared about us finishing 17th again, but not worth throwing your toys of the pram about. Also, given that I tipped the Dogs to win the flag two weeks ago it would be hypocritical to throw a tantrum about losing to them now.

One thing that might have lured me out of the house was the Footscray debut of the Stefan Martin Experience. If I'd done my research beforehand and remembered that he was now playing for them. Given the lack of fanfare at the start of his career, the SME has done bloody well for himself, starting his 14th season at 34-years-old with a genuine flag contender. 

What odds would you have got on his 2008 debut that he'd go closer to winning a flag than any of his teammates? He's played four career finals, the rest of that side has the same amount since (McLean one at Carlton + Jones 3 in 2018). The fact that the guy we - eventually - replaced him with is a four time All-Australian shows that my nervous breakdown over trading him at the end of 2012 was unnecessary, but at the same time I'm also glad to have been vindicated in believing that he had more potential than we gave him credit for. And for this reason, I secretly loved it when he hands down thrashed Max in an early ruck contest.

For survivors of the Neeld era, that's where the warm and fuzzy nostalgic feelings ended, what came next should have been censored for our own good. Despite having literally zero permanent tall forwards to kick to, Tom McSizzle was given the chance to show his athletic capabilities by playing on a wing. Which was fine until he unleashed a Greatest Hits style howler that directly set up their first goal. 

I know the coaches were doing their best to get anybody in the league to trade for McDonald, but it still seems strange that the league brings in a rule that should give forwards more space and you don't give him a proper go at taking advantage. It might not work, at which point his 2018 will be elevated to Darren Cuthbertson levels of flash in the pan, but seems worth a go while our other first choice forwards are crocked. Obviously not.

While the Sizzle toiled at a reduced temperature all afternoon, Petracca was sent forward to try and exert some influence amongst the wreckage. This is a sound theory, with rotations even further down he can't spent all day in the midfield so why not try and get a score on the board early? Problem is this removes one of the few people out of our midfield who might accurately deliver the ball to a forward, leaving him dealing with the first pass rolling in at ankle level. He did reasonably well in the circumstances, forcing the ball back towards Sparrow for our first goal, but it was all very awkward. New viewers, get used to it. I don't care how the goals are kicked anymore, just as long as they happen.

If you were to just look at the scores from the first quarter you'd think we did quite well, but only the combined defensive efforts of May and Lever were keeping us in it. I need to see it repeated in as many real games as possible but this is what we're paying over a million dollars a year combined for. For May, nothing had changed from last season. He should get the million bucks on his own. Considering how often the ball was going towards him - and here's a free hint for other clubs, kick somewhere else - he was solid as a rock. Lever and his horrendous moustache did more of the FIFO spoiling and loose marking while May handled contests. As the third tall defender Tomlinson was... around. He was ok, which is many ways is the best you can expect from a third tall defender. Especially when we bought him to play on the wing.

Bank vault defence briefly covered up the fact that we were being beaten everywhere else. The most disheartening part of that was Harmes' struggles in the midfield. After screaming for him to go back there for the last year he was thrashed. Let's see it again when he's got more experienced partners than Double J James Jordon or Sparrow, but for now it didn't work, leaving me worried that I've backed the wrong horse. See also Charlie Spargo, who did two-thirds of stuff all immediately after I championed him.

Without a target to aim at - though Fritsch did do one of his traditional leads to the 40 metre boundary line - we didn't hold out for long. Somehow, after being beaten in almost every aspect of the game we levelled it at two goals apiece. Other than a two week flirtation with the mysterious 'Viney Vaccum' in late 2011, our kick-in tactic for years has been to roost it long to the tallest possible man. This set up the second via a strong mark by Jackson. It ended with a quick kick inside 50 by the Anal-Bullet and Fritsch being paid a technically correct but morally suspect frontal contact free. Because he was kicking from directly in front rather than Row Z it went through. Ergo, do that more. 

We were back in it - on the scoreboard at least - but there was nothing forward of centre to suggest that premiership markets would be thrown into disarray by the end of the day. A four point quarter time deficit was positively generous under the circumstances, offering us the chance to regroup and come back after the break with a new plan. Alas, teleportation of Oliver, Viney, Brown and Weideman into the side was not possible and things carried on as they were.

With respect to the contribution the missing players would have made, it looked a lot like last year. If there's a great leap forward in our future it's doing a ripping camouflage job. If the new rules were intended to artificially enhance scoring they hadn't factored in us playing without forward targets or the ability to get the ball down there quickly enough that the lack of big men didn't matter. At point it looked like a fast-break was going to come off, then Langdon got death valleyed by the surface, somehow also giving away a high tackle free after he was the first one tackled.

As much as I enjoyed the defence regularly getting us out of trouble, it was a bit grim that May and Lever were our top ball winners. If May played like this every week in real games he'd be the first backman to win a Brownlow since black and white TV. We all love to hang shit on umpires, but even they couldn't fail to miss how good he was. The cognitively-impaired All Australian selectors would probably have him in 78th position.

With nobody else looking likely to take a mark inside 50, it took Gawn to push forward to provide a target. Which he should be able to do more often this year if Jackson stays fit. For all the bullshit 'humour' about Gawn's goalkicking he's not bad at it for such a huge man, but this time he generously set Fritsch up on his own in front of goal. That's the sort of combination that he might have been thinking of when he tipped Bayley for the 2020 Coleman.

This was the opening ceremony for our best part of the day. In quick succession ANB got two - courtesy of Fritsch bringing the ball to ground against four defenders - and we were in front. It was in no way sustainable but I'm happy to smash and grab wins in both real and plastic games alike. Strangely, even knowing that this was the most frivolous, throwaway game since the last one, I found myself chewing a fingernail in tension. That's what writing the name 'Melbourne Football Club' on something will do to me.

While 17 of our players were narrowly holding it together, the same couldn't be said for Jay Lockhart's plums, ruptured in a seemingly innocuous collision. Unfortunately for him, knacker surgery is not only going to cost him several weeks on the sidelines, he's also about to find out that everybody other than the victim thinks a testicular injury is the funniest thing in the world. For example:

The lead didn't last long, with May's defensive wall only breached due to a two handed shove in the back. That decision was almost as bad as Chandler being kung-fu kicked out of a contest Toby Greene style. I'm not going to sully the name of the prestigious AAMI Community Series by sooking about umpires but come on..

That was about as far as our resistance stretched. It was a reasonable cover version of our last start against the Dogs, the backline kept us in the game for the first half before Footscray realised they were the far better team and ran away with it. May was best on ground that day too, so set a reminder on your phone for Saturday 29 May (appropriately enough), when he'll be required to dig us out of a sizeable hole against them again. And for a third time on Saturday 31 July, if the season hasn't been relocated to an island off the coast of New Caledonia by then.

While we've got a finals list on paper I don't fancy our chances in the short-term Waiting for Weideman and Ben Brown to save the day isn't feasible, by the time either one of them is back the season might already be shot. That leaves Oliver, Salem, Viney and Brayshaw to make a difference. Getting the three midfielders back in will help, but as we've seen in recent years you can win midfield battles until the cows come home and it's not going to mean anything unless players ahead of them can kick a score. In a season where the AFL has all but admitted they are trying to rig bigger scores, the idea of winning through Stalingrad style defence is noble but doomed to fail.

All of this is bad news for Simon Goodwin, who has not only adopted a midlife crisis haircut but has also given his critics the baseball bat they need to smash him by saying he wants to win "significant finals". Don't we all? The difference is we've got a lifetime to see it, he'll be out on his arse if he doesn't at least get close. There's far more to that article than one line so I'm not going to hang him for having lofty ideals. Plenty of others will be ready to go him with it though, and once the media gets involved the club won't be far behind. And with a premiership coach, a next big thing coach, and that bloke who used to be at St Kilda in the background we're not short on alternatives. I'd prefer we played well and it didn't become an issue. I'm sure there are people who deep down want us to lose so their theories on the coach can be proven correct, which is weird.

Though our lead had been washed away in a matter of seconds we'd still won the second quarter by a point and reduced the margin to three. Scope remained for a new plan that stopped the Dogs from dominating possession all over the ground. Then we conceded two goals in the first few minutes of the third quarter and there was no need for a new plan, it was just let's get to the end of this game without anyone being crippled and move on. 

The second of the quite good Marcus Bontempelli's early goals was another Fantastic MFC Flashback, this time to the first season of Paul Roos. Cast your mind way back to 2014, when a Young Bont snapped a goal out of his arse on the same ground to win a close game. This looked alarmingly similar, and it for once it wasn't just me piecing randomly historical scenarios together, Fox Footy dug out the replay, from their perspective to show two great Bont goals, from my perspective as a reminder of how much we cocked up that game. 

Playing the clip out of a break with no context played havoc with my brain, which took a few seconds to come to terms with the sight of James Frawley scrambling to try and stop him kicking it. As far as strange broadcasting moments go it was third for the day behind:

a) the male commentators having NO EARTHLY IDEA how to respond when Kath Loughnan cracked a joke about them not wishing her a happy International Women's Day.

and; 

b) Garry Lyon saying the club was hoping to get Kysaiah Pickett back from Perth as soon as possible when he'd just played in a VFL practice match. Maybe he thought WA stood for Western Aval?

Otherwise, there's no need for a Media Watch feature because everyone involved was a sensible and respectable broadcaster. If there's anything that's going to convince me to get off my arse and go back to games it's the prospect of having to listen to Dwayne Russell screaming like he's at the height of sexual ecstasy three minutes into the first quarter.

By Footscray's fourth straight goal I was ready for all available superstar players to be directed to the bench and handed a dressing gown. Finishing on 5.5.35 might have lured Freo into a false sense of security before Round 1? That is if we even play Freo. If one person in Victoria goes down with COVID (the Community Transmission Series) before they get here the borders will probably be shut down. That will probably leave us playing West Coast's scheduled opponent, creating a game against the Suns so dangerous that it should be viewed in a Hazmat suit.

It took Petracca to get us going again, busting forward and finding Chandler on his own inside 50. There was nearly a moment of high farce when KC (who swapped the Sunshine Band for the Dickhead Band after we drafted him) considered chipping over the top to Nathan Jones. Selflessness, sacrifice and all that sort of American bollocks is the mantra of the season but he was wise not to do it as the defender saw what he was up to and start to track back to cover Jones, to the point where any dainty pass would probably have been chopped off, leading to 10,000 people simultaneously demanding both men be forcibly retired. Instead, with the man on the mark running in the other direction Chandler just whopped it through the goals with a solid finish. I'm comfortable with playing him Round 1 until Pickett finds some form in the VFL. 

A six goal to one quarter was enough to ensure the Dogs were going to win (how often do you get a blockbuster comeback in a pre-season game? Other than us vs Hawthorn 2009 when I launched a shoe at somebody else's TV after the siren), and my interest in the final margin was waning. I just wanted everyone to get through unscathed (fat chance) and see a couple of the novelty players have a run. My Austin Bradtke dreams were not fulfilled, but Bowey had a couple of decent touches in defence and Bedford randomly appeared to set up a goal by Fritsch. Under the circumstances that had to do.

A limited bench, reduced rotations, and the lack of Damien Hardwick sized grapefruits to simply play short-handed left ample time for a crucial player to be seriously injured. Step (or indeed, collapse) forward the world's greatest defensive artist Steven May. He was left temporarily motionless after desperately trying to impact another contest when he should have already been towelling off in the locker room alongside Petracca and Gawn. It seems he'll be alright (though we've heard that before), but at the time I was ready to have the biggest sook over a pre-season injury since Schwarz did his knee in Albury.

As much as I welcome the return of the standard length quarter, my interest in the game was dead after that. Obviously they're playing 20 minutes again to help players get back into the swing of things after a year of playing AFLX quarters but it's still asking for trouble in a pre-season game. After May went down I spent the rest of the quarter panicking about who'd go off next. There should be a button that both coaches can press that ends the game. Or one for us that switched to non-stop rolling coverage of  trainers looking after May. Lockhart's balls could have all the privacy they required, this crisis demanded in-depth coverage.

When you're Melbourne even kicking a goal is fraught with danger. The contest where May was hurt would never have happened if we hadn't just added a token goal at the other end. Max kicked it, then was stooged at the ball up when the Bulldogs ruckman pulled out, let him take it, then waited just long enough for him to attempt a disposal before tackling him. You'd think an uncontested bounce would be a golden opportunity for a quick break out of the middle (perhaps not with the midfield we had here), but how often are ruckmen fooled by the other side not contesting? They should plan for this scenario because other teams would have seen this and thought "ah, there's an idea".

From that free came the kick inside 50 that led to May's clobbering and my blood pressure going through the roof. I can't even remember if they got a goal out of it. I don't really care, by now I was only watching for the off chance that either May would be declared fit or that one of our players would do something remarkable. The best it got was Jones putting through a junk time special that prompted Docklands to play Living On A Prayer. Which was appropriate for both his quest to play 300 games and mine to see a premiership before I die.

It was an ordinary performance, but nothing I saw changed my mind that we're a 7th-11th placed team -or that there will be much of a gap between those positions. We might not do any damage after sneaking into the finals but it will probably save Goodwin from the chop. And whether that's a good thing or not is up to you to decide.

2021 Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance
5 - Steven May
4 - Jake Lever
3 - Christian Petracca
2 - Max Gawn
1 - Ed Langdon

Serious apologies to Fritsch and Neal-Bullen.

Final results
Assuming there's not some sort of remotely official practice match next weekend, that's it. Seems a bit sarcastic giving this award away on the basis of two matches, but 13 years on I'm still pleased to have come up with the Prymke name, and as such will be running it into the ground.

If the voting system allowed one game to be worth more than another, then May's performance here was worth double Gawn's at Casey, but it doesn't, ending with the softcock compromise of them sharing the award with Petracca, rewarded for consistency across both matches. Maximum becomes the first man to take the Plate home three times, while Truck draws level with Nathan Jones on two wins. I'm sure it's an honour they'll all cherish.

7 - Max Gawn, Steven May, Christian Petracca
4 - Jake Lever
3 - Kade Chandler
1 - Ed Langdon, Clayton Oliver

Next week
Presumably nothing. Maybe a VFL practice game where we can try to get Oliver's skull split on a barely turfed suburban ground at 9.10am Friday morning?

The week after that
Freo at the MCG on Saturday in a classic "if we lose people are going to go feral" match. It won't get as bad as Port 2013, but after a year away from live footy plenty of people will spend the after sinking bulk piss and be ready to go nuts at the siren if required. Let's hope it doesn't come to that, though I don't rule out charging down from the back of the Ponsford swinging a face mask loaded with a brick.

Never mind that the Dockers beat us last time and should be half-decent this year, dropping a Round 1 home game to an interstate team when we have an arsehole of a draw later in the season will go down like a fart in an elevator. 

I think we will win, but not without a titanic struggle. Oliver and Salem are probably the only certainties to come back in. Possibly Brayshaw but certainly not Viney or Brown. Christ only knows if Melksham or Hibberd are still alive, but not sure either are going to be the difference. And if May is hurt?

Final thoughts
This was slop but it doesn't detract from my desire to get the season going. Right now. Get Freo on a plane and play at 10am Wednesday if you have to.

Pearce them off

Following Melbourne AFLW is stressful in a completely different way to the well-established struggles of the men. This is a side that missed the finals on percentage in 2017 (thanks to giving the wooden spooners their only win), again in 2018 and in the last game of the season in 2019, before finding stumbling in last year when the league fast-forwarded to the end of the year due COVID and winning a thrilling final only to have the competition shut down without a winner. We have never been bad - though it's hard to be considering the rate they've added new teams - but have always been just that little bit not good enough compared to the top teams.

The last two weeks have been final proof, as if you needed it, that this is the ultimate mid-table mediocrity side. If the finals were reduced to a top one we'd finish second, if the competition was expanded to 50 sides we'd end up 26th.

Given that, it was almost inevitable that after two weeks which threatened to finish off a promising season, the AFL would fuck us right over with the fixture for the last three weeks. You've got to play the good teams eventually, and unfortunately if they all treat us with the same contempt as Collingwood, but making us finish the year against three of the top four is a touch rude. That made a game against the decidedly average St. Kilda absolutely crucial. 

All available evidence in 2021 suggests that we'll be lucky to beat any of the top sides, so a loss here would have been cause to flick the lights off and send out any remaining kids as lambs to the slaughter. What better opposition to play after kicking about 3.65 in the last fortnight? The team we lost our only start against by kicking 1.8. If that happened again I was likely to drop punt an internet-connected device over the fence.

In the end, no hoofing of inanimate object was required, though it did look a bit 2020 when we wasted a string of chances in the opening minutes. It started with the ball flinging straight out of the middle and to Hore in the pocket. Out of respect to our embarrassing recent record in front of goal she chose not to register a point, instead booting it high in the air so we scored nothing.

The honour of kicking the first behind of the night instead went to Parry, who looked like the next big thing the last time we played at Casey but has barely had a touch since. When Zanker became the next cab off the ranker for a miss, memories of that Moorabbin debacle were starting to loom large.

All season our best chance of getting out of trouble has been for everyone to stand back and let one of the superstars do it. Much to the joy of this kid:

   

A surprise forward cameo by Daisy Pearce paid dividends. After an uneventful year to date they tried something different and it was a big hit. If Nathan Jones isn't going to provide my 'much-loved player runs out career kicking goals' fantasies, this will do as a replacement. Who knows if it will work against teams that are good, but it certainly came off against a side that isn't. Her lead, mark and finish were all good, the kick from Gay that set it up was even better.

St. Kilda didn't look much chop, but nor did they last year when we dominated, only to blow it all due to numpty kicking. There were no such concerns here, with the Gay/Pearce alliance setting up Bannan (who I may stop typing as 'Banana' by the end of her career) to thump through a second from distance. Who knows how players are going to develop in a semi-professional system that plays nine top flight games a year but she looks like she'll be very good in the next few seasons. And if she's not, well what do you expect from a top Melbourne draft pick?

It was as dominant a performance as you're going to see without a side kicking a truckload of goals. The Saints were defending for almost the entire quarter, never going close to score, and only once moving the ball to the outskirts of the forward 50 before it was turned back. One of their players was even forced into the indignity of climbing over the fence and collecting the ball. You can see why their life force eventually ran out. 

For now, they were stubbornly refusing to concede and we didn't have the firepower to blow them away. Opportunities for a third goal were spurned via a Daisy set shot and a quick Zanker snap, taking us to quarter time two goals ahead but without the four points firmly in hand. It was good to be back playing the ordinary teams but we've lost from better positions before. Remember Freo 2018? Maybe not, but I certainly do.

I hoped that the second quarter would start with the ball going straight down our end as well, because St Kilda would have had no hope of getting it out for another 15 minutes, hopefully leading to the first recorded zero inside 50 half. Instead, they immediately went forward, and we were only saved by the umpire's generosity in letting Heath run about 30 metres without bouncing to clear it. 

That was about all the resistance St. Kilda could summon, and necked themselves by giving away a goal from a ludicrously unnecessary free. A Hanks kick towards a player standing on her own in front of goal missed, but she was unnecessarily clobbered by ex-Demon Whitfort, gifting Shelley Scott an unmissable shot from the top of the square. Whitfort partially made up for it with a goal in junk time but the damage was well and truly done by then.

Other than lengthy periods where they couldn't extract the ball from defence, St. Kilda were not entirely awful. Eventually a tremendous defensive cockup gifted them their first, and at three goals to one there was the smallest window for us to get the wobbles and let them back into the game. Thanks then to the Saints ruck who shit herself in a contest with Cunningham, giving away a shepherding free kick in front of goal. 

Given that both our goals for the quarter had come from foolishly conceded frees I could have done with kicking a real one somewhere, but had to settle for a 19 point lead. It was nowhere near reward for holding them at arm's length for most of the game, but fair when you considered how bad some of our kicking was during the second term. We got away with it here but it doesn't bode well for the nightmare run home. 

Absolutely charitable under the circumstances, just as it looked we were likely to throw a hot start away Freo ’18 (?). Would have been more comfortable if we’d kicked another before half time but had to settle for a 19 point lead. It was in no way reward for the first quarter, but a fair margin when you consider how wonky we looked in the second, only kicking goals courtesy of silly frees. It does not bode well for the nightmare run home.

If the Saints came back for the second half with an updated plan it was soon discredited, like the first quarter the ball cannoned down our end and stayed there. Lauren Pearce was thrashing anyone who came near her, and nearly added a goal to the equation after getting rid of her opponent at a boundary throw in and firing off a quick snap. This soon begat a lovely goal, where Zanker spun through a tackle, handballed to herself, then landed a kick in a perfect spot for Daisy of the square, continuing her shit hot night as a forward. 

That heralded the opening of the floodgates. Shortly after Bannan soccered her second, then Parry got on the board and the Saints were in disarray. Given that percentage could become important by the end of the year (stay tuned for the Ms. Bradbury Plan) this was a good thing. The game was so far won that even Gay storming the open goal then passing to a player guarding the line didn't cause too much damage.

From 39 points in front, and St. Kilda could have played for the next week without scoring that, there was no chance of losing. However, given how rancid our fourth quarters had been all season it would have been nice to pile a bit more misery on them. Eight scoring shots suggests that the effort was there, but finishing the quarter on two goals each was a touch disappointing. As disappointing as you can get when winning by this margin anyway.

About the only thing Lauren Pearce hadn't done was kick a goal, and though she was unlucky not to mark right in front of girl, her contest allowed the ball to roll straight to McNamara for her first. We went a bit far into party mode after this. After a defender held onto Daisy's jumper like somebody clutching a curtain to avoid falling out of a window, she could have kicked her third but tried to set Zanker up for a morale-boosting goal. Alas, she missed again, but don't let the wonky goalkicking detract from an otherwise excellent performance.

It was now a race between toppling our highest ever AFLW score - 70 against Fremantle in 2017 - and breaking the league record for most behinds in a game. Kate Hore did her bit for the former, snapping a goal that extended the margin beyond 50, and left us within one kick of that Freo total. Sadly, St. Kilda wasted everybody's time by kicking a goal, and time expired without us scoring again.

Again, I'm not sure we go anywhere near winning any of the remaining three games but if our season ebbs away from here at least we got to wallop somebody on the way out.

2021 Daisy Pearce Medal

5 – Lauren Pearce
4 – Tyla Hanks
3 – Daisy Pearce
2 – Eden Zanker
1 – Karen Paxman

Apologies to Mithen, Hore, Gay, Lampard and McNamara.

Leaderboard
*NEW LEADER ALERT*

19 - Tyla Hanks
18 - Karen Paxman
13 - Lauren Pearce
9 - Lily Mithen
6 - Tegan Cunningham
5 - Sinead Goldrick
4 - Kate Hore
3 - Maddie Gay, Daisy Pearce
2 - Jackie Parry, Shelley Scott, Eden Zanker
1 - Alyssa Bannan (JOINT LEADER: Rising Star Award), Sarah Lampard, Eliza McNamara (JOINT LEADER: Rising Star Award), Casey Sherriff

Ms. Bradbury Plan

The dual fiascos against Footscray and Collingwood and a ridiculously two-speed competition mean that even a 4-2 start in a nine game season might not be good enough to guarantee a top six spot. The following plan assumes that Adelaide, Brisbane, Collingwood and Freo are all going to make it, leaving us fighting for one of the last two spots.

That means our key enemies are North and Footscray. Just behind them, depending how many hundreds of points they beat Geelong by, will be Carlton. The bottom six - none of who we play in the last three games - are all shot to buggery. My thinking about the rest of the season is as follows, also assuming we need to win at least one more game.

Round 6
Collingwood d. Footscray
Geelong d. Carlton (fat fucking chance)

Round 7
North vs Bulldogs - undecided. If the Dogs somehow beat Collingwood I'll almost be willing to concede that they'll make it given their free win in the last round and concentrate on finishing ahead of North.
Freo d. Carlton (which will eliminate the Blues from calculations)

Round 8
Gold Coast d. Carlton 
Brisbane d. North
Adelaide d. Footscray

Round 9
Richmond d. Footscray. Which is no chance of happening, so we'll either need to have it done by this point or potentially win an in/out game against the Lions.

I expect to miss out in a thriller, which will be almost as big a stitch-up as going 5-2 in the inaugural AFLW season and missing out on the top two.

Administrative update
No, not discussion of the latest AFL rule change, but something for stats fans. I've added the history of the award currently known as the Daisy Pearce Medal to the Jakovich spreadsheet (refer the AFLW tab at the bottom). Though only 27 women scored votes in the first four years of the award I still had to work out who Erin Hoare, one vote in 2018, was. Having watched all but one of our AFLW games I thought I'd have remembered everyone who'd participated but apparently not. Turns out she only played four games, then went to Geelong and retired/was retired. I'm sure in years to come we'll remember her as fondly as Elise Hogan and Ashleigh Woodland.

Next Week
It's Adelaide at Casey on Saturday night. A 5-1 records confirms they can be beaten, the fact that loss came against Freo suggests we won't be repeating the dose. We live in hope that they might get depressed about the drive to Cranbourne taking longer than the flight from Adelaide.

Final Thoughts
I enjoyed it far more than I will the next three weeks. Prove me wrong ladies, prove me wrong.

Dead end street

The original plan was to see this game on a lengthy delay due to other commitments, and gee wasn't I glad to have rearranged the afternoon to watch live? It would have been better if I'd sat down to watch at 10pm, accidentally discovered that we'd kicked 1.8 and gone back to my Wesley Snipes Film Festival (15 movies down, 35 to go). He was Blade, half of this side would get the chop if there was anybody to replace them. There might be a passenger 5.7 reference if we could kick five goals.

Yes, for once pre-season predictions have come true. The second quarter against North is looking like the biggest outlier since Footscray's premiership, we are officially only good against expansion sides. Not that I expected to beat the undefeated Collingwood, but did expect some sort of a fight. It looked more like a junior team playing older opposition, able to keep up for a while but ultimately no chance of winning.

Any chance we had of springing the upset was boosted by the returns of Hore and Goldrick, then the latter was injured about 20 seconds into the first quarter. She returned, but not before missing most of a first quarter where the Pies only had themselves to blame for not being about seven goals in front. You shudder to think how we'd have gone without them.

If Goldrick had avoided injury then she'd have had plenty more opportunities given that the ball was stuck inside their 50 for most of the quarter. On the rare occasions we broke free the ball usually didn't even get to the forward line before flinging back at the speed of light. Later we discovered that even if the forwards had got near it they wouldn't have made an impact anyway. We haven't looked so unlikely to score since Adelaide tortured us in the last round of 2019.

Everything you needed to know about our likelihood of scoring was when Hore and Cunningham sprinted from half back Baileyball style, only for a hurried kick to land amongst a nest of defenders without a Melbourne jumper in sight. Under the circumstances, I'm surprised we had the opportunity to kick eight behinds. Which is, in a way, a positive.

Now that Collingwood has become a friendly, inclusive club, they did everything they could to keep things interesting, including clanging a chance at the second goal into the post from close range. There were plenty more opportunities to come, every time our overworked defence made the ball somebody else's problem it came back to them moments later. 

If we had 20% of the time in forward half during the quarter it was only because they decided to toy with us by chipping it to and from across the backline. For a bit it looked like the adults vs children spectacle of the Geelong men doing similar last year, but eventually backfired when an out of bounds kick led to Gay winning a free and a first decent shot on goal. It would have been criminal if we'd got to within a point after 10 minutes of playing as if blindfolded. Subconsciously she must have recognised that and kicked accordingly. If nothing else it was a score, which was more than it looked like we were going to get.

Against all logic that meant the quarter time margin was only six. Which was ridiculous, but offered a chance to alter the plan (as much as a Melbourne side ever does) and launch a rescue mission. Maybe a repeat of the time we stopped Freo having any inside 50s for a quarter and still lost? Apparently not. Things carried on in a similar vein, except we missed a shitload of opportunities and saw our percentage plummet like a faulty elevator.

The coach will probably be under the pump if the season goes sour, but Norm Smith would have had a hard time putting up with some of the zany moments on offer. For instance, Tyla Hanks winning the first touch of the second quarter then almost missing the ball with her hand, teeing it straight up for a Pies to play to storm through and launch another forward attack. Otherwise, Hanks was our best player by a mile. Some of her moves in traffic were top shelf. The problem is that for the handful of excellent players in this side there's a lot of strugglers. Now that the VFLW has started there's somewhere for the fringe players to develop - never mind that the national season is halfway over - but I'm not sure that's going to help. 

Speaking of generosity, we did everything possible to make sure they got their second goal. The final, silver platter offering was Daisy flubbing a kick straight into the path of an opponent, who merrily trotted in and kicked it. Had one of our players been gifted in the same circumstances she'd have stood frozen for a second in amazement (except Goldrick, who instantly plays on every time. Which is both thrilling and terrifying), then rushed a snap that fell short and was punched over the line. 

It was as disastrous a performance as you'll ever see from an original recipe AFLW team. I can't believe this is the same side that was kicking goals for fun a few weeks ago. We created an opportunity via the well-credentialed trio of Paxman, Hore and Scott but missed that as well. Still, it was a rare opportunity created by stringing more than two kicks together without a turnover. Down the other end, Collingwood was kicking fluky goals out of their arse so you could be fairly sure how this game was going to go without watching the second half. I haven't seen a situation involving Collingwood and women sliding downwards end this badly since Eddie McGuire and Caroline Wilson. 

There was more chance of peace in the Middle East than us overcoming the 25 point half time deficit but I couldn't bring myself to stop watching. If you gave up on every lost cause following Melbourne there wouldn't be much left. Strangely enough, we actually won the third quarter, kicking 1.4 to a point. Just when our first goalless game was becoming a live possibility, Lauren Pearce of all people was gifted a goal from a turnover in defence, leaving the outsidest (?) possibility of a stirring comeback.

That lasted about three minutes into the last quarter, which was how long we held out before Collingwood kicked the sealer. In fact, that was our only goal for the day, leaving us on a total of 3.20 over the last two weeks. You can imagine the media carnage if the men put in a similar fortnight, the AFL360 sad montage producer would get RSI. 

Sadly we didn't get the goal that would have boosted that tally to 4.20, opening the door to the obvious reference about them playing as if stoned. The best chance came through Bannan, who torched Cunningham like an arsonist while standing on her own in the square and missed. Remember when this team was kicking them from everywhere a few weeks ago? To be fair, you probably get a bit more time and space against Gold Coast and Richmond.

The general atmosphere of farce was topped off by an Emonson kick-in that landed at Paxman's feet, scooted past her and into the hands of a Collingwood player for another goal. The game was lost but we were doing our best to drive percentage down to the point where it might cost us a spot in the finals. As it is we've already got to fight our way back in from seventh. How about swapping next week's opponent for Geelong so we can either a) register a morale boosting thumping or, b) have the sort of Sydney '92 style humiliating loss that makes the club pull up stumps on the women's program and invest in eSports.

2021 Daisy Pearce Medal Votes
5 - Tyla Hanks
4 - Lauren Pearce
3 - Karen Paxman
2 - Lily Mithen
1 - Sarah Lampard

Apologies to Scott, Sherriff, Hore, and McNamara.

Leaderboard
It's getting interesting at the top, with Paxmania having to fend off serious competition from former Bunnings spokesperson Hanks. Alas, Daisy remains empty-handed in her own award. 

17 - Karen Paxman
15 - Tyla Hanks
9 - Lily Mithen
8 - Lauren Pearce
6 - Tegan Cunningham
5 - Sinead Goldrick
4 - Kate Hore
3 - Maddie Gay
2 - Jackie Parry, Shelley Scott
1 - Alyssa Bannan (JOINT LEADER: Rising Star Award), Sarah Lampard, Eliza McNamara (JOINT LEADER: Rising Star Award), Casey Sherriff

Next Week
If there's ever been a time for our season to hit the skids it's as the already shaky integrity of the AFLW fixture totally collapses. Due to the ongoing circus of border restrictions, interstate teams are about to face each other for a second time, while we won't have played Carlton or Geelong. For that reason here's hoping the borders stay closed, I'd rather either of them in the last few weeks than risk being drawn against Adelaide, Brisbane, and Fremantle in quick succession.

None of that will be an issue if we lose to St. Kilda, at which point they may as well schedule a game against Chinkapook Ladies for all the good it will do our flag hopes. Even if the 3-0 start turns out to be a mirage finals are not entirely out of the question, via a Ms. Bradbury Plan, but it would take a miracle for this side to beat any of the current top four. 

Memories of the upset loss to the Saints last year loom large. Surely not again, especially when the season effectively on the line. At the same time, after two weeks where players who thought everything was going well have discovered it isn't, there's every possible chance of allowing them in via a mental lapse. If there's any hope left for this season we'll beat them comfortably, playing a minimum of two good quarters. Could happen. More likely we wobble over the line, simultaneously re-entering the race and confirming that we won't make it past an Elimination Final. 

Final thoughts
The only other time we've lost two in a row the second game was also a battering from Collingwood. Which earned us the right to miss the Grand Final on percentage. Even with the top six in place I sense a repeat about this time next month. Thank god the men are back, there's a team that has never let us down.

The carnival is back in town

Footy has gone down some strange roads in the last few years, reaching its most unusual point when games for premiership points were played at 4.40pm on a Thursday in Cairns. However, there has never yet been a game played at 9.30 on a Friday morning that could be considered essential viewing. Despite the involvement of the premiers - and some other team - this wasn't likely to become the first. Any sane person who'd only got home two hours earlier would have taken the hint, stayed in bed and watched a two minute highlight package later. Not me, I'm so still astonished - and grateful - that they broadcast these games that I felt compelled to watch.

Not that two professional organisations, one of which suddenly wins premiership for fun, should schedule their games to suit me, but it would have been helpful the time-honoured tradition of playing the seconds game early, then the (relatively) important match second had been followed. Did the senior players, up to and including flavour of the decade Dustin Martin, have something else to get to in the afternoon? 

In an inauspicious start to what history suggests will be another inauspicious season, I refused to get up when my alarm went at 9.30 on the dot, expecting that the game wouldn't start until they'd had a few minutes of commentary faff and had to reboot the server a few dozen times. Seems like broadcasting even the most frivolous match can now be done seamlessly, because not only did they carry this to the end without somebody tripping over the power cord, as I later discovered there was even a studio host involved. 

Not only did the surprisingly professional production - as much as you're going to get for a practice game at Casey - have a host, it even offered fancy graphics and quarter time replays. Young people will grow up thinking this is normal, imagine when they find out you had to wait for a gardening show to end before you could watch Friday night games on delay? I can't get a cracker of footage from the day we beat the Tigers by 121 points in 1993 but future generations will be able to rewatch decades old Port Adelaide intraclub games whenever they want. It's partially unfair.

Like the stream of the North game last year, the joint production meant we got to see their member ads as well as our own. This meant seeing Richmond telling fans that now was the time to stand up and be proud of their side - not after either of the first two flags apparently - followed by that man Martin placing multiple premiership cups in the middle of Punt Road Oval. 

Talk about a quick turnaround, we finished two games ahead of them in Paul Roos' last season (albeit after they'd played finals for the previous three...), now they're enticing their second hundred thousand members with multiple premierships and we're still expecting to be discovered trading while insolvent at any moment. Not surprisingly our ad, which in the smallest of victories ever was a better production, focused more on the 'footy is back' vibe than any hint of on-field success.

My lack of faith in modern technology meant missing the first 10 minutes. When I finally got around to watching, nobody had kicked a goal and we were on zero it was comforting to know that nothing important had been missed. In fact, it was like season 2020 was still going. A weaker person might have used the suggestion that we have no forward line left to go back to bed but I forged on and was moderately rewarded. 

My relaxed attitude to tuning in coincided with our first score, with Petracca marking after a beautiful lead. If our talls are destined to be in injury related hell for the first half of the season we could do worse than repeating this piece of play several dozen times a week. Sure, he missed and Richmond pinged straight down the other end for the first goal but the setup was exquisite.

Even with both teams fielding relatively strong sides you had to be guarded about taking anything that happened seriously, but to be fair to us for once we finished the quarter strongly. Much of what went on fit right into my core beliefs, including Nathan Jones going forward and kicking a goal, and a marauding Tom McDonald getting up the ground and kicking long for Gawn to mark inside 50. When the MFC Truth and Reconciliation Commission finally sits it may take them a while to get to 2020 but whoever told McSizzle to bulk up before last season should go in the dock.

Petracca went back into the midfield eventually, to great effect, but was in everything up front in the opening quarter. It's refreshing to know that, on the least available evidence, he doesn't look to have gone backwards from his breakout season. If Richmond had trouble containing him, Truck may absolutely torture some lowly sides. And let's be fair, if we don't kick seven shades of shit out of a few strugglers this year we're not going to trouble the best sides when it matters.

Though we always looked like conceding when the ball went anywhere inside Richmond's 50 that wasn't the hands of Steven May, we held up well. Double J James Jordon, the man with the squashed finger, created a goal from nothing, then in the dying seconds a lightning transition set up Fritsch's in the square for his first. In another accidental nod to everything I'm into, the season preview post, rush-released before this game, demanded that we find a way to get the ball to him somewhere other than 40 metres out hard on the boundary. Five metres out directly in front without an opponent in the same postcode will do.

While the lid was firmly welded on, it was a positive end to the quarter. But it was classic Goodwin-era Melbourne, the ball movement looked alright but the moment the other side got the ball players ran around like they were escaping a burning building. This is what will stop us becoming an obvious premiership threat. A homegrown golden generation of Gawn, Petracca and Oliver (plus quality ring-ins like May) should keep us away from the bottom for a while, but I can't imagine us winning a flag in any circumstance other than catching fire at just the right time a'la Footscray 2016. Which will do me nicely, but relying on doing it that way reduces your window for nicking a flag unexpectedly.

My first major shock of the new season was having no issue with the new rules about standing the mark. Quite literally standing, no running from side-to-side, doing star jumps or switching off with a shorter teammate. You can still hurl abuse at an opponent Lynden Dunn style, but throwing clumps grass at them during the run-up is now a grey area. Is this worth getting upset about? I'm a rule change sceptic from way back, and obviously 50 metres is an excessive penalty for such an administrative breach of the rules, but the best way to avoid the penalty will be to just stand still. 

If the other bloke runs around you blame Steve Hocking, then do it to them when you take a mark. If this is what improves scoring and stops the AFL from introducing all sorts of other stupid rules or deleting two players per team then so be it. Anyway, once umpires have been abused in every city for penalising excessive lateral sway the standard for a guilty verdict will be so high - remember the hands in the back rule? - that it won't make a difference anyway. Look for it to be ruthlessly patrolled for a month then all but forgotten until somebody becomes the 21st century Jim Stynes and accidentally takes a step with three seconds to go in a thrilling Grand Final.

Back to Casey Fields, a name that (probably don't open this link at work) sadly still hasn't been adopted by a porn star, where the result wasn't nearly as important as putting in a competitive performance against the best team in the competition. Which is what you say when you don't expect to win. Try telling me it was a meaningless practice run when Jason Castagna turned Oskar Baker inside out to kick the first goal of the second quarter. For a moment I forgot what I was watching, how I was watching it and said some very uncharitable things. That was as far as the angst went, by the time they got another one straight after I was back to rationalising how we couldn't be expected to beat the premiers but this would translate well to playing other fringe finals contenders.

There's a chance that the sort of wind you're never going to get at a proper AFL venue was having an impact. While there didn't seem to be your usual Cranbourne gale, Richmond was certainly doing the bulk of scoring to the left of your dial. In their road stood the mighty Steven May, and further afield Lever was taking some nice intercept marks, but thinks looked decidedly wonky whenever the ball hit the ground inside our defensive 50. This may be the season where teams start doing NFL style squib kicks into attack rather than bomb long and risk May or Lever intervening. 

If you can avoid those two I'm not sure about Tomlinson as the third tall, but he may have to do for now. He's a step up from the numerous times that Richmond managed to craft a premiership-winner vs not-actually-a-defender matchup. Given that Majak Daw didn't play in either game yesterday who knows where he's at, but he could be an option due to being built like a block of flats. I don't expect him to provide a Steven Silvagni level of defence but could be reasonable cover for a year until we can find somebody else. Or he might make people wish they weren't so mean to Oscar McDonald, who knows.

The breeze may have been more across the ground than straight down the middle. When the last remaining member of the McSizzle dynasty marked on the sort of lead he didn't get to do nearly enough last year and tried to steer the ball through from 30 metres it drifted left and into the post. Considering he's got 101.43 since becoming a permanent forward I'm willing to trust that his aim was true. For the same reason I can't believe your Essendons and Norths of the world weren't interested when we were frantically trying to trade him. Get the ball in his hands and he'll kick goals. Not on this occasion, to be fair, but you know what I mean.  

While the wind didn't stop the Tigers kicking multiple goals down the other end, we were more than holding our own. Other carryover highlights from 2020 included Langdon romping up and down the wing and Gawn taking vital contested marks all over the ground. I didn't expect any drastic changes but it seems we're basically playing the same style as last year and hoping for the best. I would expect nothing less in a season where the coach is under all sorts of pressure to keep his job. 

No doubt Richmond are of the same 'if it's not broken...' mindset. The difference being that their style ended up collecting both cup and flag. To be fair to Goodwin, and somebody has to be, our style worked alright last year. We lost to all the top sides but were only blown off the park by Port. Maybe a radical change would suit our list better and instantly vault us into premiership contention? I don't know, ask Adem Yze in about Round 6.

One thing we've never been blessed with is consistency, and to nobody's surprise we followed up a three goal first quarter by struggling to kick any in the second term. It took the long-forgotten Kade Chandler to get the breakthrough, and he ended up making a mockery of my prediction that he'd struggle to get a game this year by kicking three. Admittedly I did say "unless something NQR happens", and this almost qualifies.

Still don't know where he fits with Pickett, Bedford (who kicked a couple of ripping goals in the second game), Laurie etc... but it was a positive performance considering he missed all of last year after breaking his hand three different times. How do you even do that? He must be on the same anti-calcium diet that ruined Sean Charles. There was even another hand scare later in the game, which doesn't bode well for him getting through the year with it in one piece.

Meanwhile, imagine being a young player who is not only cut off from the endless supply of groupies by Coronavirus restrictions, but is then left in a hotel for half the year without full use of the hand? In the preview I spoke of players spending last year living like Alan Partridge, and his string of injuries reminds me of this injury, which had similar consequences.

We finished the second quarter with a rush, and Gawn soon got another from what must have been his sixth contested mark of the quarter. Fortunately, he was in the square so we didn't have to hear the usual 'hilarious' gags about his goalkicking. He proceeded to make sure of it like he was kicking from 50, thumping the ball into the carpark. This was good news for the lunatics who'd committed to watching the game through a fence, colder than a witch's tit, when they could have watched it in perfectly good quality on any internet-connected device up to and including their fridge. Now they could go home with the footy as a souvenir.

The margin was reduced to seven at the half, and considering how likely Richmond looked to score every time they crossed the middle of the ground this wasn't a bad result. Otherwise, we held up pretty well against them. Luke Jackson also took a massive Maximum style grab at one point that made you dream of the original drifting forward and creating havoc more often. Personally, I'd rather get Brown and/or Weideman going and make sure Max is free to get us out of jail in defence, but either way having a huge man like that marking everything that comes near him is a good thing no matter where it happens.

With both the Browns absent, and Weideman reduced to special comments duties, our goalkickers were the eclectic bunch of Jones, Jordon, Fritsch, Chandler and Gawn. It's now how you get them, I'll take everybody in the side kicking one each if it means getting 22 goals in a game again before I die. This egalitarian attitude to sharing the goals barely survived half time, with Gawn adding his second almost immediately after the restart. 

Max truly a man for all seasons, taking the centre bounce, going forward to win a free, thumping the ball through from 50, then taking the relieving mark in defence when Richmond threatened to respond within seconds. It was a minute of the toppest (?) shelf of big man football. Considering how much Collingwood had to pay for how long to keep Brodie Grundy, Max should get a share in the MCG when he re-signs. 

I'm still not convinced by him as captain but he might demand the position for life in lieu of several years at a million dollars plus, and we should do it. If you look purely at hitouts then you might say we can do without - after all, we'll never forget the day James Harmes created a goal from the centre bounce - but that's the most overrated stat since inside 50s. It's everything else he does that makes him so important. Chiefly the marks, some of the grandest grabs you'll ever see. Jackson projects to be very good but he's a different type of player, once Big Max goes so do the big marks, and I will mourn them for the years to come.  

Any argument that the wind was having an impact was boosted by us quickly retaking the lead, with Fritsch taking a smart mark in the forward pocket. It was the same angle he kept running to last year, just 20 metres closer to goal. I had to stop myself from getting excited. A realistic analysis of this performance suggests that they're in the same place they were 12 months ago, good enough to beat lowly teams (except in Cairns), unlikely to knock over the top four. That's fine, fifth place will do me nicely. At this stage, high expectations are just setting yourself up for disappointment.

While you had to adjust your feelings for it being a scratch match, I did almost crack an Ararat when Petracca snatched a ball out of the air and casually snapped another goal around his body. The ability to effortlessly do wonderful things is the mark of a superstar, and whisper it very quietly he may be on the verge.

Things were going well, but there were still a few concerns to keep you grounded. It was the second goal in a row where Richmond ripped the ball straight out of the middle and created a scoring opportunity. Even more worrying than the midfield disappearing was that their kick found the unusual defensive matchup of Riewoldt vs Hunt. This time he missed, but if I was Mr. Owl Enegy I wouldn't fancy being left defending tall forwards. Maybe they're grooming him for the Neville Jetta role of bravely taking on men twice his size every week? God knows why he's even at that end of the ground after showing far more as a forward but I guess that's a lost cause now. Or at least until we're panicking about scoring 5.7.37 three weeks into the season.

Richmond's first of the quarter came from an out of the arse handball and snap, but now it was our turn to burst out of the middle and kick the response. Thrillingly, the move was started and finished by the A-Grade brigade of Petracca and Oliver, who found excessive space to fling it back and forth a couple of times before the Hamburglar booted it through from 50. Sure, he got lucky that the defender on the line was stitched up by a novelty bounce but that's life in a sport with an obscurely shaped ball.

If there was wind it was now working in our favour, and the next goal went our way too. A series of handballs, started with a lovely one from Spargo mid-tackle, ended with Chandler alone in the square for his second. In the sort of free-flowing extravaganza that AFL executives will toss over now but will have been ruined by coaches before Anzac Day, this prompted Richmond to kick one straight away.

Just when you thought we'd done enough to hold a competitive lead going into the last quarter, they got another to cut the margin back to eight. The first outbreak of DemonTime for the men's season (the women are already experts), almost cut the gap to less than a kick, as we were left standing with thumb in arse while they took a shot after the siren. How many times are we going to see similar in the 88 quarters of the home and away season? They missed, and while I still wasn't confident about holding on, nor was I sourcing petrol to set myself alight in the event of a loss.

Given that Richmond packed away some of the stars in the last quarter while we seemingly plowed on under the 'what could possibly go wrong?' rule, it's hard to know what to think about it. Holding on into the wind, which picked up just in time for us to kick into it, seemed to suggest that things weren't going to end well. The sudden outbreak of breeze was demonstrated by an early Langdon shot from outside 50 that fell flatter than a shit carter's hat. Build a roof everywhere. 

Once we did get a goal Langdon was involved again, finding Chandler - whose hand was obviously now back in place - on his own in the pocket. I'm sure Richmond fans aren't too upset by this result but they should ask why our players ended up standing on their own inside 50 so often. He restored the double figure margin. Which lasted about 25 seconds.

If there's any queries to come out of this game it's how many times we were butchered in the middle. Sure Oliver and Petracca performed a couple of surgical extractions, but otherwise we were regularly beaten at the drop. Centre bounces not so important in a season where every game ends 45-39, but if the rule changes are going artificially increase the number of goals kicked we're going to have to put up with a lot more six vs six contests in the middle. Obviously getting Viney back in there will help. As will playing sides who haven't won three premierships in four years.

Even though I'm violently in favour of standard length quarters, I was beginning to burn out on lack of sleep and could have done with them shaking hands up pulling up stumps once the King of Sizzle engaged in a perfect lead/pass scenario with Petracca and extended the margin into double figures again. This almost evaporated instantly when, you won't be surprised to discover, Richmond barrelled out of the centre and kicked deep into attack. There stood the almighty Steven May, recovered from a head knock a few minutes earlier that had briefly left him looking dead and me ready to go on anti-depressants.

They did get a goal not long after, but maybe gifting goals back is the in thing for 2021, because it only prompted us to add another. This time via Spargo flattening a defender with a beautiful tackle at the top of the square and extending the margin back to nine. I'm right on board Spargo this season. It might backfire on me but for now, shut up and take my emotional investment.

Given that Richmond is *checks recent results* good, and have a shitload of fringe players trying to get a game, they wouldn't do the honourable thing and lie down. There was still time for another loose ball inside 50 to cause havoc. With what small defenders we have nowhere to be seen Jake Aarts kicked the goal. A reminder that we're still waiting for him to go off with the blood rule as a chance to use the obscure 'cuts to the Aarts' gag that's been ready since his debut.

If it was a real game I'd have been filling my shorts at the prospect of conceding another and losing in ludicrous circumstances. Can't pretend that there wasn't a little bit of tension anyway, but blow me down their goal begat one of ours. Footy will be high tension viewing this year if you expect to let in a goal within a minute of kicking one. The sealer came via Fritsch barely dribbling the ball through in the middle of a tackle, and for once we managed to avoid letting them get it back at warp speed. 

Job done. The good players were very good. There were pleasing cameos from Chandler and Jordon. Nobody got seriously injured. I'm satisfied. The last time I said something like "1 down, 27 to go" we went on to completely fuck up the season, so this time I'm not tempting fate. We looked good against a strong side, but it's not worth getting over-excited about. When it comes to Melbourne, unlike [insert a cause you're not keen on], the science is never settled

2020 Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Christian Petracca
3 - Kade Chandler
2 - Steven May
1 - Clayton Oliver

Next Week
Officially, this was nothing more than two teams having a kick in the park, and the first 'official' game is Monday week against Footscray. It's shithouse timing for me, a few hours later and I'd have been able to go. I'll be watching remotely and looking forward to making my return to the stands in the only appropriate way, by socially distancing myself from everyone in Row MM of the Ponsford Stand for Round 1.

Final thoughts
Stuff the Community Series, let's start the real season next weekend.

Fast, Cheap and Out of Control - 2021 season preview

T.S Eliot called April "the cruellest month". He had obviously never spent an entire season watching Melbourne. As excited as I am for the (presumed) return to footy normality I also enter 2021 shitscared that it's going to be another wasted campaign. I'm not as young as I used to be, thoughts are definitely turning to winning the competition at least once before I snuff it.

In some unpleasant ways, life was easier when we just expected to lose every year. Mid-table mediocrity seemed like a wonderful idea then. Now that we've got a list that you think - rightly or wrongly - should be regularly contending for the finals it's giving me the almighty shits. Lucky we don't have a list anyone thinks should be winning flags or people would really get upset.

Nothing said 'mediocre' like Melbourne in 2020, finishing 9th of 18 teams. There were undoubted positives along the way but ultimately the team that I thought was only good enough for eighth pre-COVID weren't much worse after it. We were never good enough to contend for a premiership so I seriously doubt we'd have been in a much better position under the regular fixture. 

Given that our only big name recruit is already injured, should we expect more of the same this time? Perhaps. It's certainly hard to see a great leap forward. Mind you, I can't visualise any group of men playing as Melbourne finishing in the top four ever again. Statistically it has to happen one day, but given that I was 19 last time and am now decrepit that doesn't bode well for this being the season where it all comes together.

I wonder if the mood would have been more optimistic if we'd fumbled our way into the finals last year, even if the adventure ended in the first week? I expect there were a few players, especially the fringe types who wouldn't have played anyway, who were so sick of being carted around the country to live in hotels like Alan Partridge that they were almost happy we didn't qualify. It's not easy to compare an environment like that to what should be a regular season, with 22 games, regulation length games, and the sort of zany rule changes that are quietly forgotten by Round 4.

Still, even if we did the right thing in the last couple of weeks, the Crumble in the Jungle games in Cairns still rankle. Talk about being handed an opportunity on a silver platter only to drop it cold. Those are the games they should be forced to watch during the off-season - players and coaches alike. We know where we were successful, it's the total cockups that come out of nowhere that have been costing us for years.

Now, because I'm in a rush after realising we're about to play our first pre-season game, on with the regular segments.

Buy, Hold, Sell

Buy

Jake Bowey - Drafted as a half-forward/winger, two positions we've had all sorts of trouble with over the years. I expect him to play early and play often, with no concerns about his shorter stature.

Majak Daw - The last time I bought into a fairytale story the Harley Bennell experiment worked for about five minutes before ending in misdemeanour and delisting. But I am a romantic from way back and am ready to love again. 

Contrary to the views of idiots who post on the MFC Facebook page, Daw's recruitment (if he actually makes the list) is the classic free hit. Cost practically zero, length of contract as short as possible, and if it doesn't work we shake hands at the end of the year and go our separate ways.

I doubt he's ever going to kick six in a game again, but for a team that's already lost a defender for the whole season and two key forwards for god knows how long, having somebody in reserve with an adult body that understands the AFL system makes perfect sense. Certainly has a higher chance of success than signing the local yokel from the VFL. I don't see him having a huge impact other than providing experienced filler until Weideman/B. Brown return, but if it somehow comes off you'll find me Majaking it at the top of the Ponsford Stand.

Bayley Fritsch - Last year demonstrated that he knows how to get the ball inside 50. Now all we need is a structure that enables that to happen at an angle better than 40 metres out on the boundary line. I think we can get 30-40 goals out of him. Unless it's his fault that he religiously led out there. God forbid anyone either or both a) pull him up on it, or b) devise a way to improve the forward entries so he gets it in front of goal occasionally.

Luke Jackson - Showed a bit last year before he was - shock horror - injured. Unless he's prone to hamstring injuries that issue shouldn't cause him any ill-effects now, and with both Weideman and Ben Brown out at the start of the year the field is clear for him to have a fair bash at playing an important role in the forward line. 

Ed Langdon - Once he combined fast running with finding teammates by foot Ed became one of our most important players. Should play an important role again this time, though no doubt the traditional Melbourne FC recruit injury isn't far away.  

Steven May - After a rocky start to his Melbourne career, his value has gone up faster than a financially insecure American video game chain. Some might say his luck can't hold for long and something's got to go wrong for eventually but I'm backing him to improve even further on last year. And here's to the All Australian nomination committee opening their eyes when watching him play this time. 

Trent Rivers - One of the big hits of last year. Looked very comfortable in defence, nipped in for a couple of goals and promises to be a Round 1 starter all going well. No longer just an interstate fluffer for Jackson.

Fraser Rosman - Looks like he will dominate the nightclub scene. Also promises to be a good guy at football.

Christian Petracca - Everything you know about following this team suggests that he won't go on with it but I want to believe. He was so good last season that there's no reason he can't do it again, as long as the support in the midfield is there. Comparisons to Dustin Martin are not helpful, he is a very good player in his own right but has more to do to reach elite company.

Charlie Spargo - A controversial selection I'm sure but I thought he did pretty well last year. That's not really borne out in his stats but my gut feeling is that he's going to do well this year.

Tom Sparrow - Very impressive for the month he played mid-season before getting injured. Still not a huge body of work to judge him on but I think he'll be handy. 

Adem Yze - I don't want him to take over as coach mid-year, because that implies we've done poorly, but I do firmly expect him to be in the top job by Round 1, 2022. Otherwise I'm sure he'll be heading off for the first senior role on offer, potentially back to Hawthorn after Clarko loses interest. Who we will then spend a million dollars on with minimal reward a'la Malthouse at Carlton.

Hold

Oskar Baker - Did a few nice things in his brief cameo at the end of last year. Can't see him playing Round 1 but should get enough time this year that we can make arbitrary decisions about whether or not he's got a future.

Glenn Bartlett - He's bet heavily on getting our new CBD training venue/social club off the ground, so is going to look like a bit of a cockhead if there's no momentum this time next year. Maybe we can take over the Crown Casino lease, carve a footy ground into the middle of the place and get our lucrative pokies back at the same time? Some people are upset that he and the board stacked the deck against their only challenger to make sure they won. I have no time energy in my life to be upset about such frivolous things. Now, please excuse me while I comb old newspapers for the results of Under 19s games.

Austin Bradtke - I don't see any circumstance other than a crisis where he plays seniors this year. Likely to be given the usual extra time offered to tall players. A season in the VFL will help.

Angus Brayshaw - Has natural talent out the wazoo but how interested is he in translating that to being an A-Grade footballer? Based solely on a string of lazy disposals my amateur psychological diagnosis is 'not really'. In danger of being eclipsed by his brother, newly added to the Freo leadership group, and topping out at just being a handy player.

Ben Brown - I was absolutely thrilled to get him on the cheap, and not just due to his zany hair and even zanier jumper number. Then, having battled injury through last year we didn't even get him to the first pre-season game before he went down sore again. Should turn up at some point during the year and make a difference but you wouldn't bet against him never being heard of again.

Mitch Brown - Extended his AFL career by another year courtesy of a good performance in the last game of the season. Until then I wasn't overjoyed with his performances but he offers a reasonable backup option if other forwards keep getting hurt.

Kobe Farmer - Romantic notions of Wizard Jr. running riot in the forward pocket aside, we've got to take the realistic view that both us and Freo opted not to pick him on draft night so he's not guaranteed AFL talent. Which doesn't mean he's not worth taking a punt on. In the world of small forwards, how much gap there is between Pickett at #12 and Farmer at #nil will only become apparent if we end up with both of them on the list. Given the number of gaps on our list I'll be happy to see how he develops at Casey, as long as Jeff promises not to have an Alan Johnson style sook if it doesn't work out.

Max Gawn - Impact as a captain arguable, impact as a player undeniable. The actual ruckwork is the least of it, try finding somebody else who can maraud around the ground taking contested marks like that AND effectively dispose of the ball despite having to drop it three floors to his boot. I don't know if he's got much improvement left as a player but is still vital to the side.

James Jordon - If nothing else he'll always have the hub life memory of crushing his finger in a weights machine. Presumably, that's all been sorted out now and he's fully digited. He certainly will be if he doesn't get a game in his third year on the list. Admittedly we drafted him at a (relatively) very young age, and like others he's been stuffed by a year without a reserves competition. I think he'll get a game this season, mainly because I'm expecting a black death style injury crisis to leave us relying on fill-ins from the Peruvian league.  

Bailey Laurie - The advice not to trust anyone with two first names doesn't apply if one of them went out of fashion in the 1970s. Apparently he's good at 'agility/evasion', 'creativity', 'impact' and 'finding space', which sounds wonderful if it translates from the junior leagues to the big stuff. Will be offered plenty of time to develop.

Jake Lever - Has hardly set the world on fire since joining us, though 12 months of that were spent with a busted knee, but started to get into the swing of things last year. I think he can improve further, especially if we find a third key defender to play a role midway between his interceptions and May's one-on-one strongman. If not, getting paid a fortune must be some consolation to him. 

Jay Lockhart - Thrown in the deep end as a defender during 2020, I could almost have had The Lock as a 'buy' if I thought the coaches had full faith in him. Probably unlucky to lose his spot for the last few weeks of 2020 and should be right in the mix again this year.

Tom McDonald - Without knowing what was going on behind the scenes, he seemed to be treated shabbily last season, allegedly told to bulk up, then dropped when that didn't work. Still kicked 8.1 with limited opportunities, which implies that if you can get the ball into his hands he will generate scores. Before the multiple injuries to our key forwards he was more likely to be playing for Casey but now has an opportunity to resurrect his career. There's still a chance of the great piss up when he reaches a 1.00 goal a game average after none in his first 60. High likelihood that he's off at the end of the year no matter what happens.

Clayton Oliver - Overshadowed by Petracca last year, he is still a crucial part of our midfield. Can't help getting the ball, arguably needs to distribute it more widely instead of relying on handball. Barring injury he'll be near the top of our B&F count, but can he improve his game further and become a consistent match winner? Linked - perhaps frivolously - with a move to Carlton. If that happens I'll spew up.

Harrison Petty - Is he a defender? Is he a forward? Is he still alive? Will be easier to judge where's he's going once we get him back on the park and see what they've got planned. 

Kysaiah Pickett - Showed plenty of natural talent in his first season but was also obviously as green as grass. Sometimes you don't want natural enthusiasm to be coached out of a player, in this case I reckon a year back in a standard AFL environment will do wonders for him. 

Christian Salem - He's across 100 games so should be going up another gear soon. Does what he does well but there's got to be more in the tank. I reject the general clamour to make him a midfielder.

Deakyn Smith - Tied to us via the exhaustingly baffling academy system, Freakin' Deakyn might be up against it to win one of the two remaining positions on our list (though this article says three...) against ready to go Daw and son of legend Farmer. I'm not prepared to put him on the scrapheap yet because I have NFI what he does or how well he does it. Also likely that if we don't pick him now he'll play the season for Casey and get another look next year.

Adam Tomlinson - Found a role in defence after the great wingman experiment failed, but if he's not needed down there this season I can't see where else he fits. A bit too much time left in his contract to leave him rotting in the VFL so here's to them finding something for him to do.

Jack Viney - Heart and soul player who should give us several more years of good football (via a few random injuries). Not sure if he's ever going to become an A-Grade player, but as long as somebody else is I'm satisfied that Jack can be an important cog in the machine. Would love a return to that brief, thrilling, era where Gawn used to do fancy overhead taps just as he was steaming past.

Sam Weideman - For a few weeks last year it looked like he was ready to go supernova before fading towards the end. Arguably that had more to do with the rest of the forward line collapsing around him and opposition defences realising we only had one person to kick to. The recruitment of Ben Brown should have helped, until the stress fractures arrived, ruining the first half of his season at a minimum. He's got plenty of time to get back in the swing of things but I wouldn't be surprised if this year was a write-off.  

Sell

Toby Bedford - Stranger things have happened, but picking somebody for one game then dropping them immediately twice in the same season doesn't suggest a high level of confidence. He may secretly be hoping for a change of coaching administration. Robbed of development opportunities by the cancellation of the VFL, hopefully the chance to play second level games again will help. 

Kade Chandler - In serious danger of being our first one game and out player in nearly 20 years. Last season stuffed by injuries and lack of a second division competition but barring something NQR happening in the pre-season he'll be fighting from well deep in the pack to get a game.

Simon Goodwin - In more trouble than the early settlers if we have a bad trot at any point of the season. The pro-Yze faction will be dying for any opportunity to stick the knife in, and while I hope he does well his senior coaching career seems to be entering 'air slowly leaking from a balloon' territory.

James Harmes - Childhood Melbourne fan or not, I don't know why he didn't try and go elsewhere at the end of last year. Apparently we're going to try him in the midfield again this season, but the lost momentum since that wonderful second half of 2018 doesn't fill me with much hope. I have faith that he can do good things, I don't know if the coaches agree.  

Michael Hibberd - Came back from the dead Fatal Attraction style last season but can't see him doing it again. I have him in my starting lineup but that's down to limited alternatives.

Marty Hore - I don't want to kick a man while he's down, but by next year the ACL victim will have missed more full seasons than he's actually played with us. I'm sure he's going to be given another chance next year but he'll be coming from miles back.

Jayden Hunt - I like him and want him to do well, but the idea that they're going to playing him in the backline again this season is horrifying. He's a half-decent forward, and was only briefly a half-decent defender before other teams sussed his one direction turbo running. If they insist on going back to that he'll be at Casey for most of the season. Here's hoping sanity prevails.  

Neville Jetta - You've got to love him (no really, it's mandatory) but he seemed absolutely shot last year. A return to the traditional AFL environment will help but the signs of deterioration were already showing before the league became a travelling circus. 

Nathan Jones - One of the great servants but it's hard not to feel that he's going a season too far. Given our fishpond depth having him around just in case (plus leadership, culture, etc... etc...) isn't the worst idea in the world but it's going to get embarrassing if he gets within striking range of 300 games and they start trying to carry him there. Here's to a surprise end-of-career renaissance. Still worth giving a decent go as a forward.

Jake Melksham - Tremendously important in 2017/2018, but has never been the same since he injured his leg. Goes into this season under another cloud after doing chuff all last year. Hibberd had a miracle recovery when he'd been written off, here's to the Milkshake doing likewise. 

Alex Neal-Bullen - Not a bad player, but clearly never going to rise above his current level. Handy enough to have around for depth but it was telling that we tried to flog him to anybody who was interested at the end of last year. I still think he can have an impact but don't expect any sudden outbreaks of glory.

Aaron Nietschke - With the demise of Kade Kolodjashnij he's become the player whose name you're most likely to do a tendon typing. Or in his case, a knee. After two ACLs this may be his last chance to make an impression before we move on to the next kid.  

Joel Smith - In all sorts now that Oscar McDonald is gone and the world is looking for a new scapegoat. I didn't mind him as much as some (many?) others, but wish they'd kept playing him as a forward. Has potential to float around as an intercepting mark in defence but should never be asked to play one-on-one shutdown roles ever again.

Aaron vandenBerg - Doesn't have much say over the matter but if he doesn't stop getting injured there's not going to be a place for him. I enjoyed his came at the end of 2018 but has done little since. Should have fled to Sydney when he had the chance.

Betting markets
NB: Markets will be updated after the pre-season. No refunds if players not currently on the MFC list are not signed. We reserve the right to reframe the market if somebody has been left out. If gambling is becoming a problem for you call 1300 36 70 70.

Allen Jakovich Medal for Player of the Year

• $4 - Christian Petracca
• $6 - Clayton Oliver
• $10 - Steven May, Jack Viney
• $12 - Max Gawn, Ed Langdon
• $20 - Christian Salem
• $25 - Angus Brayshaw
• $50 - James Harmes, Nathan Jones, Jake Lever
• $75 - Ben Brown, Bayley Fritsch, Luke Jackson, Jake Melksham
• $90 - Neville Jetta, Adam Tomlinson
• $100 - Michael Hibberd, Trent Rivers
• $125 - Tom McDonald, Charlie Spargo, Aaron vandenBerg
• $150 - Mitch Brown, Kysaiah Pickett
• $200 - Jayden Hunt, Jay Lockhart, Sam Weideman
• $250 - Oskar Baker, Alex Neal-Bullen, Tom Sparrow
• $400 - Toby Bedford, Harrison Petty, Joel Smith
• $500 - Jake Bowey, Kade Chandler, Bailey Laurie, Majak Daw
• $520 - James Jordon, Fraser Rosman
• $1000 - Kobe Farmer, Austin Bradtke, Aaron Nietschke
• $1500 - Deakyn Smith
• $5000 - Marty Hore

Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year

• $3 - Steven May
• $5 - Christian Salem
• $8 - Jake Lever
• $20 - Michael Hibberd, Adam Tomlinson
• $30 - Neville Jetta, Jay Lockhart, Trent Rivers
• $40 - Jayden Hunt, Joel Smith
• $60 - Harrison Petty
• $100 - Majak Daw, Tom McDonald
• $120 - Bayley Fritsch, Jake Melksham
• $200 - ANY OTHER PLAYER
• $300 - James Jordon
• $1000 - Aaron Nietschke
• $1200 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER
• $3000 - Marty Hore 

Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year

• $2 - Max Gawn
• $8 - Luke Jackson
• $25 - Majak Daw
• $30 - Tom McDonald
• $50 - Austin Bradtke, Adam Tomlinson
• $70 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER
• $200 - ANY OTHER PLAYER

Jeff Hilton Rising Star Medal

• $6 - Jake Bowey, Bailey Laurie
• $10 - Fraser Rosman, Toby Bedford
• $20 - NO ELIGIBLE PLAYER
• $30 - Kade Chandler, James Jordon, Kobe Farmer
• $75 - Austin Bradtke, Aaron Nietschke
• $100 - Deakyn Smith

Projected ladder
More than ever, this is a red-hot guess. There may not have been so many average sides at once for years. I don't think the top sides will be outstandingly good or the bottom sides will be complete toilet, which should make for an interesting season, once we've gotten over arguing about what the man on the mark can do.

1 - Western Bulldogs
2 - Richmond
3 - Brisbane
-------------------------------
4 - Port Adelaide
5 - West Coast
6 - Geelong
-------------------------------
7 - Fremantle
8 - Collingwood
9 - Melbourne (and won't this go down well?)
10 - St. Kilda
11 - GWS
-------------------------------
12 - Carlton
13 - Gold Coast
14 - Sydney
15 - Adelaide
-------------------------------
16 - Essendon
17 - Hawthorn
18 - North Melbourne

Demonblog's chosen 22
Yes, I am aware that actual positions are completely irrelevant in the modern day and ruck rover has probably been defunct since Ron Barassi, but in the interest of tradition here we are.... Weideman and Brown are only omitted due to fitness concerns. Melksham would have probably got a start if not for his hammy. 

B: Hibberd, May, Tomlinson
HB: Salem, Lever, Rivers
C: Langdon, Oliver, Petracca
HF: Fritsch, M. Brown, Spargo
F: Jackson, T. McDonald, Pickett
Foll: Gawn, Viney, Harmes
Int: Brayshaw, Sparrow, Lockhart, Hunt

Will it be worth it?
There will undoubtedly be ups and downs - which makes a change from the years when it was all downs - across the 22 (20? 16? 3?) games, and a few moments where everything looks like it's going to turn out ok but I think in the end we'll just plod along in the middle again. Having said that, if the injury situation puts more stress on our depth things could go south very quickly. 

I'm expecting to either narrowly tumble into the bottom half of the eight and immediately be eliminated, or just miss out. Either way, don't pre-book the session for your premiership tattoo. Get an Adem Yze tattoo instead, it will cost less.

Can't buy a thrill

For those of us with an interest in this sort of thing, the annual fixture against the Dogs offers warm and fuzzy feelings about our contribution to the women's game. And even if you don't give a rats - and I can't see why you'd be reading this - it's nice to know something we did in 2013 had a long-term positive impact. Other than sacking the coach.

Hard to believe it will be nine years in June since the game against the Bulldogs that helped fast-track a women's competition. It also encouraged me avoid the ground floor of the Olympic Stand (former home of the iconic Bay 6 Administration Office) for the rest of my days after finding a dead mouse under my seat. And if there's ever a Melbourne/Footscray game where that mouse is not referenced I'm not doing my job right.

After a surprise loss to St Kilda in the opening round, the Bulldogs have played well, which flagged this as a danger game from miles off. Conversely, we'd won all three but not been impressive from start to finish in any of them. Last week's second quarter was off the charts but the rest were middling at best. You can't get away with that every week. And we didn't.

The Dogs' chances of springing the minor upset were helped by the absence of Goldrick - concussed - and Kate Hore - ill. Never a good sign when two of the best players in a win are absent the next week. Turns out we've got the depth of [insert your most hated opposition political party here] and didn't go anywhere near covering them. 

Missing players - no matter how key - isn't an excuse for losing, we still created dozens of opportunities that we couldn't capitalise on. It was the 2017 GWS and 2020 St. Kilda debacles all over again. For the first three quarters the Dogs were hemmed in and forced to counter-attack, before realising we didn't have it in us to kick a winning score and cantering away to an easy victory.

Like Casey Fields, the Western Oval offers the sort of variable breezes that make the playing and watching of Australian Rules Football frustrating. As the game wore on I very much started to doubt the power of the breeze being endlessly talked up by the commentators, but it looked like it had an immediate impact on Eden Zanker. She spent the first five minutes creating opportunities like Gary Ablett Sr. and converting them like Ray Parker Jr.

When she missed her first - but by no means last - from a gettable range I was a bit nervy about this alleged wind. Considering how badly we've run out games this season I didn't fancy having to spend the fourth quarter defending a slender lead into it. Not, as it turns out, an issue.

Within a couple of minutes Zanker followed that miss with two other legs of the forwards' Grand Slam - - adding a set shot that failed to make the distance, then thumping one out on the full. When she lined up for a fourth go it was surely going to be the quickest anybody has ever achieved the four pillars of the slam in league history. Until she kicked another point. Wasn't just her fault, this was classic old-school 2017-2020 Melbourne AFLW, all of the attack, none of the goals. The tradition continued when we gave up a goal the first time Footscray went inside 50. 

If you want something done right go straight to a legend, and after half a dozen painful attempts at placing ball between middle posts, Karen Paxman snapped the reply out of nowhere. If I'd known we were only going to get one more I may have stopped watching on the spot.

For those who believed the wind was real and not just a narrative device for the commentators - and I was considering joining a Facebook group that labelled it a conspiracy - a lead of four points was a failure on our behalf. We did have a late opportunity to make it a more palatable nine, Shelley Scott burst through a pack like a tank and lobbed a hopeful kick to the square that Bannan pulled in just before the line. She rushed a kick around the corner and missed. On this occasion, it was the team thing to do.

After winning three in a row, this quarter was a tremendous letdown. For all our domination the forward line was looking paper-thin. Didn't mean we wouldn't find alternative avenues to goal, and it's not like we've played four quarters in a win since West Coast last year so it wasn't out of the question that we'd catch fire at some point. Not at this point anyway. I expect the brigade may be needed when Mick Stinear reviews his forward line strategy with Kate Hore and sets fire to it.

Those who still believed the wind theory could point to us immediately pouring on another half dozen inside 50s to start the second quarter. Despite Footscray's industrial - but turns up super effective - defence working hard to give away as many free kicks as possible (much to the ongoing disgust of one nuffy in the crowd) we didn't even register token scores from them this time. No Kate Hore = No Entertainers. Alternatively, would have been a nice day to have Petrevski nibbling around the packs. As it was we had very little in the air and even less on the ground.

It took six minutes of our fruitless, laboured attacking to score. And you won't be surprised to learn it was a point. Cunningham tried hard but was only allowed a handful of chances and botched the lot. This was probably the best, finding herself in space and with an eon to size up the goals before moving. Like Zanker 20 minutes earlier, Tegan had the chance to immediately redeem herself with another shot on goal. It came from the sort of free that I'd have cracked the shits about if it went against us, where the forward practically begs the umpire before it's paid. From nigh on right in front she missed too. Six extra misses left us a goal ahead. This was not a sustainable way to go about things.

From the 'well bugger me' file, the Dogs nearly got their second goal from their second inside 50. We narrowly avoided that disappointment, only to concede from the third, prompting the Western Oval to hit play on some dreadful 100% Hits Volume 223 pop tune. It was loud enough through the television, must have been an ear-bursting experience at the ground. If you've paid to go to a game does it add anything whatsoever to your enjoyment? Would kids go home and cry if they didn't get to hear (fashionable modern act) after every goal? Bollocks they would.

Anyway, I'm not here to whinge about matchday experience, today we're doing missed shots on goal. Our 21st inside 50 ended in another shot. Gay tried to do what the forwards couldn't, delivering a textbook holding the ball tackle that even that bloke in the crowd couldn't complain about. She proceeded to kick it out on the full from 30 metres out as good as directly in front. If you believed in the wind - and by now I was so sceptical of it that I was ready to hold a protest in Fawkner Park - being just the one point down at the half wasn't bad.

Things were already starting to head south though, our last period of dominance had ended when they got their second goal and we'd be on the back foot most of the time since. Having said that, there were elements of our side playing very well. Hanks and Paxman were running riot in the middle, and their attacks were regularly being turned away on the half-back line, but the difference in kicking efficiency around the ground was almost as stark as the rotten goalkicking.

The half-time reset gave us the chance to do something different, like immediately conceding an inside 50 from the bounce. For once the Dogs didn't score, and we successfully moved the ball to the other end before another attack was turned back, this time without even looking like ending in a score. Courtesy of an unnecessary late-bump downfield free - when as far as I could tell without a replay the ball was going to bounce out of bounds anyway - the Bulldogs responded with their third goal. We were not in an impossible position yet but it was hard to imagine kicking a winning score from here. Never before had a team dominated the attack so much and still deserved to lose.

The answer, again, came from the veterans. This time Scott ripped the ball off a pack and snapped a textbook example of crumb. Had the umpire spotted Tyla Hanks being pulled back at the centre bounce like she was on the end of a lasso we might have gone forward again. 

We got down there in the end, for what that was worth, when a holding the ball in Footscray's forward line became a free in our favour when Mithen's head was jammed into the ground. This was followed by a 50 after the Bulldog defender illegally vented her displeasure to the umpire. We got a point out of it. Of course we did. By now the existence of the wind was completely discredited, playing absolutely no role in the game. Which was great news considering we were allegedly kicking into it into the last quarter. Not so great when the Dogs burst down the other end and found a forward line so open that they'd have been able to craft a goal into a force 10 gale. 

Given the number of clear holding the ball frees that had been ignored during the quarter, it was a bit comical that McEvoy got one in the dying seconds which wouldn't have rated amongst the top 20 incorrect disposals since half time. She missed, naturally, because that's just what we were doing today. If nothing else it achieved 'handy point' status, bringing the margin back under a goal.

The idea of winning still seemed ridiculous, though we were within one accurate kick. Or more likely half a dozen inaccurate ones. At this stage I had to pause and watch the rest on a 10 minute delay, which is rubbish because you're always waiting for Kayo to fritz and fast forward back to live play. On the other hand, you can also rage fast forward through the ads when the other team kicks a goal so swings and roundabouts.

My first opportunity to regain 30 seconds nearly came from the bounce. I might have regained 15 minutes if their lightning centre clearance and immediate attack had ended in a goal. We got away with another odd free deep in defence, one of those ones where none of the players know who committed the crime until the umpire points. Sometimes, for extra chaos value, they point the wrong way.

Our strategy was obviously to win through the kicking of bulk points, beginning with Cunningham's third of the day. Shame she didn't get it, and I doubt it would have ultimately helped, but the strong contested mark that created the opportunity deserved better. Problem was this was happening 40 metres out from goal, not right in front where we could be assured (as best possible) of converting.

The Bulldogs had no such concerns. A long kick found Birch and Blackburn on their own, our woman (and their former woman) went for a despairing punch that left her on the ground and their woman (who in the exhibition games, was our woman) rolled it through an empty square. Now we needed 11 consecutive behinds to win. Not out of the question considering the opening quarter.

Birch was in everything, and not in a good way. She missed a mark that offered the Dogs another opportunity. This must have been solid gold to the ex-teammates she fell out with for undisclosed reasons. I think we of all fans can appreciate the level of excitement generated by somebody who left under dubious circumstances having a shocker.

The clock was very much against us now. After tempting fate by looking up our highest scores more than once this year, I was now interested in seeing where 2.10.22 landed us. Only equal fifth as it turns out. We managed to get as far as sixth worst by the siren, but landed on exactly two goals for the first time ever. Which would be worse if we hadn't kicked one a few times. Also, I was surprised that it was only the second time we'd had more than 10 behinds, considering how many horrendously inaccurate performances we've put on since 2017.

By now there was more chance of Queen Elizabeth II kicking a goal than any of our side. Zanker had barely done anything in the forward 50 since her 3/4 Grand Slam, while Bannan and Parry were missing in action. Cunningham and Scott were trying but the forward line was all at sea. We could have kept going until Tuesday and not got the third goal. In the spirit of harking back to things that happened in the past, it ended with another Zanker behind, her third, our 12th. 

Usually when a team kicks that many points in an AFLW game it's because they've won in a landslide and players are queuing up to have shots. This was just flat as a tack footy. I don't blame the inclusions, because their more famous teammates didn't do much either, but Tarrant did nothing as Hore's replacement and Magee played footy like I used to, lots of running around, no idea how to get the ball. What separates us is that she's an elite athlete in another sport and I've done nothing since finishing Enduro Racer on the Sega Master System in 1989.

This was not an unexpected defeat, but it continues the trend of losing as favourites at least once every season. We're probably still better off than I expected us to be at this stage - two games against recent expansion sides notwithstanding - but once you get a taste of winning you want more. As long as our shock losses are to sides of the same calibre as the Dogs (but not often mind you) and we treat the lowly sides with contempt I think we'll still be ok. Alternatively, the name 'Melbourne' is involved so brace for something farcical to happen.  

2021 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Tyla Hanks
4 - Karen Paxman
3 - Maddie Gay
2 - Shelley Scott
1 - Casey Sherriff

Apologies to Pearces big and small, Mithen, Zanker and Heath.

Leaderboard
14 - Karen Paxman
10 - Tyla Hanks
7 - Lily Mithen
6 - Tegan Cunningham
5 - Sinead Goldrick,
4 - Kate Hore, Lauren Pearce
3 - Maddie Gay
2 - Jackie Parry, Shelley Scott
1 - Alyssa Bannan, Eliza McNamara (JOINT LEADERS: Whatever It Ends Up Being Called Award for AFLW Rising Star), Casey Sherriff

Next Week
It's Collingwood at Victoria Park, which is good for purists but a shame for those of us hoping to get back into form by crucifying one of the rubbish teams. This has got to be the last week of the COVID pyramid scheme fixture, they've got to run out of interstate teams to play each other eventually. Surely Victoria is off the pariah state register by now. I understand the Western Australian Premier isn't going to do anything to stuff up the election he's projected to win by a million percent, but that leaves three other states for our sides to go to. Personally I'd rather play Geelong, who appear to have no idea.

The Pies, on the other hand, seem to be very good this year. Which is never a phrase you want to read. That could be rotten news for our chances of playing finals. 3-2 will be nowhere near fatal but expect that some of Freo, Adelaide or Brisbane are going to be on the agenda in the last month of the season, while other finals contenders will be merrily racking up wins against the slop. Makes this a genuine blockbuster. Also makes me worried.

Media Street
In 1998 you'd have been chased down the street with pitchforks if you tried to get people interested in women's footy. Which is strange, because around the same time otherwise sane people used to think that it was a good omen if we won the Little League. 

Which is all a semi-topical way of introducing you to my appearance on the Australian Football Video Film Festival podcast, discussing the excessively lengthy and unquestionably great season highlights video Hotter Than Hell. We never confirmed what was on Todd Viney's kitchen bench or why Marcus Seecamp walloped Brad Pearce at Princes Park, but unless you're just here for the AFLW content and stuff the men (fair enough) there'll be something on it for you.

Final Thoughts
Bad kicking is bad football. As are bad handballing and bad defending. Let's see how many of the three we've expelled from our system before next week.