Be strong, it's almost over

Welcome to Demonblog Playhouse Theatre. Tonight we present "An Evening At Deano's", the harrowing tale of an ex-coach watching his former team continuing to slide away into insignificance.

The image of Dean's house is provided by Donald McRonald from the BigFooty MS Paint thread. And now, our story begins.

INT - Stately Bailey Manor, evening

Dean Bailey is huddled in front of a fire, clutching a small transistor radio to his ear. The room is empty but for a milk crate which he sits on. He is holding an empty whisky glass.

The half time siren sounds with Melbourne 27 points behind. Bailey hurls the glass at the wall in disgust

END (he cheered up a bit in the second half but eventually had the last laugh)

So, now we can't even beat Richmond. How well is this year going? The three game winning streak gone. Baileyball's kryptonite like effect on the Tiges gone. The comedy value of their only win against us in three years being from us throwing the match gone. The knowledge that there was at least one Victorian side who we could be confident of beating... right out the window. In fact as the ladder stands right now we're the worst club in Victoria. There's a cause for celebration. The last two weeks should (SHOULD) lift us back over Richmond and/or Footscray but what a sad state of affairs we find ourselves in right now. If I don't finally get an AGM where somebody throws a chair it'll be heartbreaking.

But other than the usual background frustration at following a shit team through a shit season is there any point in getting upset about this loss? Not really. Thank god Sydney had already shut the gate on the sick, perverted fantasy that we could somehow Bradbury into the finals by beating St Kilda and by the first bounce the match was rendered utterly meaningless. I'd have almost gone the vom if the last few 'thrilling' minutes were spent with the people around me trying to do live ladder calculations to see if we could still make it.

The time it takes for you to get over losing a match is the most telling thing about the magnitude of the result. There are some games I'll never get over (The Chris Sullivan Line game, the 2000 GF, Geelong) and some that threaten to explode my keyboard via the furious punching of fat fingers hours after the final siren (most of the last four years) but tonight I was over it by the time I walked past the Kaiser's Sausage (*plug*) van and towards home. I'll admit during the last quarter I was cracking the shits in traditional fashion but the moment it was over I was more concerned about having to wake up and go to work on Monday morning than I was that we'd lost.

Remember a few weeks ago when we played Richmond the first time and it was being billed as an "elimination final"? Since that moment both teams have spent most of the time reclining, with head backwards and a pair of giant, sweaty plums being rested across the eyelids. "Sure we'll lose to Geelong" we said, "but it doesn't matter, because we'll win the last three and probably make the finals". It's been a long five weeks since then.

At least the Tiges had a win last week to give their fans some reason to edge back from the platform and not jump in front of the 4.32 limited express to Lilydale. We've managed to have the entire club explode, sack the coach, renew the contract of the nearly sacked CEO and play a grand total of one quarter of half decent footy in that time. Who doesn't think the Richmond coaching staff were pumping their players up all week with tales of how we think they're easybeats, and how we've been putting them in the same 'certain win' bracket as Gold Coast and Port? The punters weren't fooled and sent Richmond in as favourites.

In retrospect the last couple of weeks had a hint of 2010 about it - remember thinking that if we beat Hawthorn we'd roll over Port and North and storm into the finals? Then they didn't win any of them. At least this time we can be relatively sure that we'll win the last two. If not I hope responsible adults are put in charge of the knife draw in the hours after the Port game otherwise casualty wards are going to be full of people who have had a shot at themselves.

One thing you can say for these two teams is that at least you're going to get a half decent match most times. Ever since they destroyed us in the last game of 2008 there hasn't been a dud clash between them. Even when we beat them relatively comfortably last year at least there was a 13 goal first quarter to keep people entertained.

So, I look forward to another ten years of these matches being played as a battle of the alleged "Next Big Things" while both teams continue to slop around in the mid-card, threatening to be good at some indeterminate time in the future but never managing to string enough good footy together to make a proper challenge. They got us today, but their players will be doing the same thing ours are on Monday 5 September. Hopefully Fev tags along with the Dees to make it interesting. Hopefully he's not tagging along because he'll be playing with them.

At least tonight we managed to break new ground with an innovative move. Shame it was only to be the first club ever to start the captain as substitute. Cue the biggest walk of shame ever as the team ran through the banner and he slowed down deliberately to try and get somebody else to go through it first. I think Jack Trengove stamped his future captain status by just about dead-heating with Green. Have I ever told you how impressed I am at the font we use on our banner? All the other cheersquads seem to be like that annoying guy in the office who likes to use Algerian and Gaudy Stout on posters when a simple font will do.

The awkward question was whether Green would have to show up and toss the coin while wearing the council worker hi-vis clothing, but luckily for him he had the excuse of handing over the job to Davey on the occasion of his 150th game. Unluckily for Davey it was the closest that he got to being in the action for the first hour of the game.

The Worksafe Injury Report continued to be one of the biggest farces in footy as it announced that Scully and Bail were both out for another week. At the very moment Scully was warming up on the field. And would that be the same Bail who was one of the best on ground at Casey yesterday? Mind you Scully played like his knee was completely rooted so maybe Worksafe knew something we didn't? He was on and off for much of the first half having work done on it, so hopefully the papers are signed in Sydney and we can pocket the WorkCover style compo payments. Either way for god's sake pack him away now before he loses a zero off his contract offer. I'm thinking of his financial welfare here, if you're going to make a desperate grab for the cash you might as well do it properly. Not to mention if he hasn't signed and we've offered him something ridiculous he might take it.

Notwithstanding the fact that Richmond have jumped us in the past and we've come back to beat them comfortably I was concerned with them getting the jump on us today because we've not been this collectively mentally ill as a club since the glory days of 2007. Sure we've been shit but at least we've been shit with a clear head, ever since Geelong it's been depression central.

After playing four of the top five in the last month and getting blown away in the first quarter by all of them there was no telling what would have happened if rancid hacks like Richmond got the jump - we might have just walked off the ground and rung up Port to offer a merger with home games to be played in Halls Gap. So, considering that we were on the end of every shithouse umpiring decision under the sun in the first quarter, we were getting murdered out of the middle and half the side didn't have a touch it wasn't such a bad result to go in two goals behind.

The fifty that gave them their first goal was the start of an award winning run of shambles by the umpires. Bartram pinged for going within five kilometres of Dustin "shit neck, bad tattoo" Martin as he played on despite the fact that he was following his opponent. Baffling. But not quite as baffling as Miller spending the entire first quarter taking the piss out of us.

Congratulations to him on joining the "Fuck you MFC" club with Buckley, McLean, Bruce, Cheney and Jolly for ex-players who have beaten us this year (apologies to Paul Johnson and Scott Thompson for leaving them out) but before any Richmond fans who might have stumbled upon this post start getting excited about his performance I can tell you we've all seen it before. There's a strange phenomenon with Bradforth where he suddenly ramps it up at the end of the year and plays out of his skin before winning a new contract then turning in mediocre performances for the next year and a half before contract time rolls around again. He tried it last year by bagging 10 goals in a VFL game but we were finally wise to it. Somebody's probably hammering away a forum post right now saying we should have kept him. They're wrong.

When they got their third, the second courtesy of the umps, it was starting to look rude. Let us be blown up by Carlton and West Coast, but when we get thrashed by Richmond it's time to shut up shop. Thank god then for the combination of Trengove and Sylvia who dragged us back into it. Thank god too for Jordie McKenzie who continues to climb the Demonblog Top 40 Players chart every week. At least he cares. I might actually post the Top 40 (which does not, in fact, exist at the moment) as part of the end of season spectacular post.

Incidentally who else heard Brian Royal being interviewed on the radio before the game? Not only did he say "Trengrove" (and should therefore be sacked immediately) but when asked if we'd win he sidestepped the usual cliches and simply said that we would. A bold prediction. Also a crap one as it turned out. The interviewer asked if he'd (cliche time) throw his hat into the ring for senior coaching jobs at the end of the year. I'd suggest he'd be lucky to even have an assistant job considering some of the slop teams he's been involved with over the last few years. I don't give a rats what his coaching record is like, I'm just keen on a Stalinist purge against anybody employed by our club who says Trengrove. Remember his name, you'll be screaming it later etc...

There'll be a rush to blame the umpires for this result but don't forget that we rode the storm out in the first quarter and got ourselves back into it. Wasn't their fault we stuffed up an 8 point lead in the last quarter and kicked 3.6. Doesn't help to have two goals given away at the start of the game, and even though the two we got from frees were both legit (we would say that..) it still balanced out in the end. The game was ours to win, we cocked it up, we're mental cases.

The second free was probably luckier considering Morton only got it after declining the invitation to tackle the other Morton and then in true family tradition the Richmond one shat himself and handballed it straight out of bounds. Our one hit the pass straight onto Jurrah's chest and LJ got the first of what could be one of the worst three goal performances of the season in which he failed to leave the ground once. Maybe he's like the NRL player who is suffering from vertigo?

Equation for the first quarter was: Umpiring + natural ineptitude = disaster. Even though it was probably his best game of the season (in what is hardly a star studded field) our Morton perfectly demonstrated the way it was going when he won the ball in traffic and instead of giving it off quickly he hesitated long enough for somebody to get a hand on him and stuff it up. I'm convinced the poor guy needs to get on the pharmaceutical grade anti-depressant gear. He and Mitch should have started as subs and had a good together cry for three quarters with Jaryd hanging over the fence joining in. All in green vests.

He did lay a holding the ball tackle in the first quarter which was amazing and hit a few decent passes to free players but good luck finding a target under pressure. Hopefully he gets better over the next fortnight and stays for at least one more, injury free year. You'll get squat trading him now, so unless he cracks the sads (in a malicious non-sad panda way) and walks out it's better to wait and see what a new coach can do with him. After all how many experienced players can you get rid of in one year?

Even if they're not worldbeaters I've seen Bate, Warnock, Dunn, Maric, Morton, Bennell and Newton all written off in various places as if there's no way they'll be with us next year. All well and good but consider Scully going as well and how many kids are we replacing these guys with? For what's it worth I'd be saying farewell to Juice and shopping Bate/Maric/Warnock around but again what are you going to get for them? People are convinced that you can just package up three ordinary players and clubs will give you good picks. Maybe in video games, not in real life.

Considering the umpire giveaways, the shambolic structure and the fact that half the side were giving nothing 14 points wasn't all that bad a deficit. These two teams may never qualify for the finals again but at least they put on interesting first quarters.

We got the first two of the second quarter, with Sylvia running rampant and taking screamers up front, and the natural balance of things seemed to be restoring itself. Then the next thing you know bogan idol Jake f'ing King is bombing torps from 60m out, his horrible shanks are landing in the arms of teammates to goal and Brad f'ing Miller is having a Juice style half where he thinks he's John Coleman.

A moment please for Clint Bartram who is 'much maligned' (and rightly so) and still kicks like he has a prosthetic leg, but defensively towelled up Cotchin for the first three quarters. Not entirely convinced he'd be there if we were any good, and for god's sake don't let him have shots at goal ever but well done on today's performance.

The umpiring was so bad in the first half that Davey could afford to run past Mitch Morton and smack him the head with an elbow directly in front of the umpires without having a free paid against him. There was so much apathy going around that Richmond players couldn't even be bothered punching on with him about it. I know we've all wanted to belt a Morton brother but come on Aaron, you don't actually do it. Given that it happened right at the end of a half when he'd racked up one handball and had enjoyed 'banter' with somebody sitting behind the interchange it was a pissweak attempt to take out the frustration of not being able to get a kick.

Not that Viney et al tried to do anything different with him before he totally lost it. Whatever Brian Royal does other than make stupid statements and say Trengrove was there any danger he could have piped up? Of course not, positional moves and backup plans are not the done thing in these parts. Just keep plugging away hoping everything will be ok. At one point in the third quarter I thought Jared Rivers was going forward and almost declared it the birth of a new era. He didn't, it wasn't. FanFooty is convinced Joel Mac went forward in the third quarter but I didn't see it. Didn't last long if he did. The innovation alarm in the coaching box would have exploded with a move like that and Viney would have found himself out of a job.

Tagged to buggery and not handling it again, Davey could have done with a run in the forward line or across half back but it wasn't forthcoming. Still no excuse to clock somebody with a cheap elbow. Nobody cares that somebody misses a couple of end of season dead rubbers (and come on don't you think Petterd should have belted McGinnity and just taken the three weeks?) but if you're going to be back next year there's no need to be bringing in pesky carryover points. The tribunal will save us from having to drop him but I hope somebody sits Flash down and says "do you really want to be here? If not where do you want to be" and if that's somewhere else then send him there.

The club can lay off sending me scabby emails about me giving them money to pay extra to players if they're going hand out big money when the ones we've got now couldn't give a rats. Tell him to go away, think about what he wants to do and come back at the end of the year to decide if he's in or out. Certainly won't be remembering his 150th fondly, or the entire 2011 season for that matter. He improved marginally in the second half when they finally threw him across half-back but if he's not right physically or mentally he shouldn't have been there today in the first place. It's not like we're trying to run him into the ground a'la Scully so that he's ruined for somebody else, he should have at least another two years in him so if it meant writing off this year before his stray elbow they should have done it. Surely they weren't picking a team for today with the idea that we were still a chance of finals.

So, it's half time and we're going down the tube at a million miles an hour. Aren't you glad we had to wait until 6pm Sunday to get to that position? At least you got to enjoy your weekend before it was ruined by sports. But this is when it gets even more stereotypically Melbourne. All of a sudden they come out and it's sublime brilliance. Seven goals to one, Jamar running riot in the ruck, the Psychic Friends Connection reunited against the odds and Sylvia doing the sort of things that make you swoon and threaten to have money on him to win the Brownlow next year.

Then there was Jones. Now, I've had my issues with the 2007 Allen Jakovich Medal winner this year but if that wasn't the best quarter he has played in about three seasons then I'm not sure if I've been watching closely. You have to close your eyes and think "it's only Richmond, it's only Richmond" because he was brilliant, abnd like Moloney call me when he does it against a good side, but it was at least encouraging and that's about all we've got right now.

Even Green shed his vest and in replacing Howe came on to boot a goal with his first kick. Followed by some slightly over vigorous celebrating that the commentators suggested was a "message to somebody". Who? Viney? Bailey? Malthouse? Blinky Bill? I just think he gets excited when he actually lands one these days instead of kicking a captain's point.

Spare a thought for poor Jeremy Howe, the latest victim of the curse that says whoever is featured in a game day newspaper article will undoubtedly turn in an absolute shocker. It's happened more than once this year - Watts and Sylvia both got it and Dan Nicholson has never been the same since The Age wrote about him in glowing terms before the Footscray match. We could probably have done with him in the last quarter but if somebody down forward had to go for Green to come on then fair enough he was it. Just hope he plays the next two weeks because I harbour fantasies about an eight goal bonanza at some point in the next fortnight. Now watch them drop him for Juice.

Somehow we'd managed to get eight points in front at the last change. Not nearly enough, and unfortunate that we had to stop the third quarter because we were absolutely killing them. Sad then that it had to go backwards so quickly. Sylvia did his best to keep us in it, but we had multiple opportunities going forward and stuffed them up. Two goals at the end made it respectable but we missed our chances to put the game away, Richmond took them better and they got the four points.

Good luck to them. Enjoy that meaningless feeling and we'll see you for another couple of middle of the ladder pointless matches in 2012.

2011 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - Colin Sylvia
4 - Nathan Jones
3 - Brent Moloney
2 - Colin Garland
1 - Clint Bartram

Major apologies to McKenzie, Trengove, Frawley and Jamar. Lesser apologies to Rivers, Macdonald and Blease.

Leaderboard
If Sylvia hadn't biffed somebody and been reported he'd be nearly home in this one. I suspect that if his record means he misses the last two games then Moloney will almost certainly score four or more votes against Gold Coast or Port. Mind you just when you think you've got the answers this club changes the questions so he'll probably get nil.

I should point out at this time that in the event of a tie there'll be no countback bollocks to separate them and they'll share the medal. The equation is fairly simple now, only those two, Martin, Watts and McKenzie can win it. All the other awards are still open but you'd have your money on the current leaders (Martin/Frawley/Howe) holding on from here.

I don't know what the rest of you are doing to get yourself through the rest of this year, but if I didn't have the stats bonanza that is the Jakovich Medal to keep me interested I'd probably just give up.

Note also that nobody has ever won the top award twice, which doesn't bode well for anybody's career. Here's hoping Sylvia is not accepting the award shortly before shaking hands with John Longmire and pulling on a Swans guernsey.

32 - Colin Sylvia
28 - Brent Moloney
24 - Stefan Martin (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Jack Watts
23 - Jordie McKenzie
18 - James Frawley (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
16 - Mark Jamar
14 - Joel Macdonald
13 - Jack Trengove
11 - Ricky Petterd, Jared Rivers, Jeremy Howe (LEADER: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year), Colin Garland
10 - Jordan Gysberts
8 - Brad Green
7 - Nathan Jones
6 - Luke Tapscott, Lynden Dunn
5 - Rohan Bail
4 - Michael Evans, Tom Scully
3 - Clint Bartram, Jack Grimes, Liam Jurrah
2 - Neville Jetta
1 - Addam Maric, Matthew Bate, Sam Blease

Crowd watch
With every single MFC fan I know refusing to go to a 4.40pm game I used my reserved seat for the second time, and isn't it great to sit somewhere where you get mobile phone coverage for two minutes once every half an hour? Sure I'm a Vodafone customer so I should be used to this sort of thing but it was telling that the moment you walked twenty metres the other way everything worked fine. If you're looking for me next year I'll be back in the Ponsford Stand wondering what possessed me to a buy a membership just because it offered a guaranteed Grand Final ticket if we make it. Talk about throwing good money after bad..

I'm pleased to report there were a few ferals going off their nut in the Redlegs section. We've seen from the MFC Facebook comments that our club has as many complete munter fans per capita as anybody else (tonight's special - why we should trade Watts because he's soft. My god, people put their real names to this stuff) but it's good to see some people doing their block in real life too.

Sadly nothing will ever beat the guy who called SEN after the game and broke into tears about how badly we're going. It was quite incredible. Sadly they cut him off for his own sake and pretend to be sympathetic (although there was somebody audibly pissing themselves laughing when he cracked up) instead of giving him ten minutes to really indulge in some primal scream therapy. God knows what he was like after the Geelong game if that's what a dead rubber thriller against Richmond does to him. I hope the club offer him counselling (get in line behind Maric, Morton, Davey et al) because he sounded as if he was about to crack up. Go wild, throw a phone, kick your dog, slap your kids, do whatever you have to do but for god's sake keep your dignity when you're calling talkback radio. Good thing it wasn't TV or he'd be entering the AFL Hall of Fame with this guy.

Everyone knows half the people calling SEN are doing gimmicks but if that was acting then I tip my hat to one of the great masterclasses of our time. Remarkable.

Back at the MCG I expect the person with the "That Was E-E-Easy" banner in the Richmond cheersquad hasn't heard the news that Clive Peeters has gone tits up and become Harvey Norman. He can't have put a radio on in the last week because all I've heard on the wireless is Gerry Harvey admitting his "big mistake" in buying them in the first place. Probably didn't help that one of Clive's staff knocked off $20m to fund their gambling habit but isn't this the same guy who is always whinging that it's the internet which is putting him out of business? Try not buying so many other companies you rich prick.

But before we leave socialism corner I didn't know whether or not to applaud or be horrified at the guy who stashed a pie in his pocket at half time and walked off without paying. The guy on the counter had no interest in stopping him, presumably because he's getting paid $5 an hour, and by the time the supervisor yelled with exasperation that they'd been swindled the bandit was well gone, presumably getting his money's worth by having red hot 'meat' running down his arm while he bit into a frozen centre.

Part of me applauds him for taking direct action against the ridiculous prices that they charge for goods that cost them next to nothing to buy and which are served by desperately underpaid 15-year-olds and/or grannies. The same part was having the usual guilt at being sucked into handing over $5 for a floppy hot dog in a rock hard crusty roll and wanted to applaud somebody for sticking it to the man. The other side says that first it's stealing a pie and next thing they're putting in the windows of JB Hi-Fi and helping themselves to an Xbox. The law and order side of my brain won out and I was hoping he'd be crashed tackled to the ground by the fuzz and capsicum sprayed, but just like Aaron Davey and the guy who let the pie thief walk straight past him police and security had no interest.

Finally may I just say that after having gone to the Collingwood/Brisbane game Saturday night on a freebie and sat in the Pies members reserves that there are some small mercies in not following a wildly popular, premiership side. The bloke sitting behind us, my god feel free to not say everything that comes into your head and sing songs about players on your own. Also feel free not to start touching me during the game and telling me to fire up when I clearly have NO INTEREST. Congratulations to @amul82 who annoyed him by responding to the question of "Where do you think Mick will be next year?" by saying "Melbourne". It was like sitting in front of the SEN Gladiators of Sport. My worst nightmare.

There was also one guy in a dress and one guy in the most 1991 LA Kings jacket you've ever seen in your life. Like a Sydney fan pining for the return of Lockett you just know that if you sidled up to old mate in his puffy jacket with gigantic stars across the shoulders that made him look like Bret The Hitman Hart the only hockey player he'd know would be Gretzsky. I have no problems with men in dresses, I have massive issues with 1991 sports clothing.

And how the attempt by the Pies to get everyone to respect each other in the wake of the Milne debacle by asking members of the crowd to hug each other in order to win Pies merchandise. In the second round they asked for people to kiss for the cause (!?) and in the only entertaining moment all night the winners were a mixed couple and when the Brisbane guy was handed a black and white scarf he piffed it on the ground. All that money and that's the sort of "fan for hire" James Sherry fronted entertainment they put on? Makes me think Nick McCallum and the trumpeteer are actually cutting edge.

Next Week
IN: Jetta, Bail, Dunn (am I banned from having Tom McNamara as well?)
OUT: Sylvia (susp), Davey (susp), Scully (inj/not committed to the cause).

Somebody else will either get mysteriously dropped (Dunn) or will step into a pothole outside Casey Fields and do their knee a'la every other mystery injury we've had in the last few years. Morton has to play out the season and Bennell needs to be rewarded for playing a half decent game so I'm going to hold on to both of them. No chance Bennell avoids being sub two weeks in a row though.

Lucky there's a high probability of victory (a certainty? Good god no) or there would be 25 people here. Sadly, even if there are I'll be one of them. Something tells me that whatever ends up on here next Sunday night it won't be my entry for the Pulitzer Prize because I am so over this season it's painful.

Was it worth it?
At least we had a fighting loss for once. Shame it was against an equally retarded team.

Final Thoughts
I care not how much he's on and off like a tap, if we lose Sylvia I will end up in a padded cell. Luckily things are looking good on that front.

Shaky minus ladder

Starved for inspiration for a post title to describe another loss, in another boring game, in what is turning out to an absolute drag of a year I turned to Random Phrase Generator and the above was the first thing that came out. How apt. In a way. I pressed it a second time just in case it really was reading my mind and came out with "OH MY GOD WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SO SHIT?" but instead I got "paperback lacking glance" and stuck with the original.

Today had a big old touch of the 2009's about it (pre tankfest). Everyone knew we were going to lose to a good side so as long as we didn't get absolutely thrashed it couldn't really turn out too badly. How sad it is to find ourselves back in exactly the same place two years later. Next thing people will be suggesting we up sticks in the last two games and lose to Gold Coast and Port just to get first round draft pick 72 instead of 74. Even the 90's aren't fashionable again yet, so how come '09 is suddenly so popular? Next thing The Spencil will be dropping the ball on his run-in, Jamar will kick five and we'll draft somebody who does a runner for massive wads of cash two years later.

The blind belief of some people that we're a chance to win every game is admirable but there's a time and a place where you've got to throw your hands up in the air and say "no, we're shit and we just have to admit it". If you're ever depressed (as a Melbourne fan? Never!) and need a laugh just read the comments threads on one of the MFC Facebook posts. I've got no idea how to link to an individual post but if you can find the one about today's game it's absolutely hilarious. The first 50 posts are of ridiculous bravado about how we'll win and pack the joint, then the next 150 are of nervous breakdowns about how shit we are interspersed with obscene comments about the Morton family. And that's the stuff they haven't deleted - imagine being the moderator on that group, it's the online equivalent of being the receptionist who has to take calls from nutters every Monday morning.

The only surprise from today's thread, which seems to be treated like a live chat room by most people, is that only one person suggested we recruit Fev. Usually that's 80% of what's on there. I don't know why I ever read it to be honest but there's a touch of the masochistic looking at comments on the Herald Sun website about it. You know it's going to be full of nutbaggery but you just have to look and get a bit outraged.

Fev fever isn't entirely confined to excitable Facebook fans though, there's a fair bit of it flowing through the general community. Thank god there's more chance of us getting Darren Cuthbertson and Shaun Smith (who has only just retired from country footy at 42) back so I won't take offence. It's telling that most of the time when somebody suggests it they open with a "call me crazy BUT" or "this is only my opinion BUT". When the list of "buts" and conditions are as long as your arm what's the point unless you're recruiting an absolute star? What did Ben Cousins honestly do for Richmond other than sell a bit of merch and give everyone at Tigerland the chance to pat themselves on the back and pretend they were good blokes for giving him another chance. Also turned the place into a media circus for two years and delivered bugger all on the field.

How many years has Fev got left in him anyway? Do we really need another 'good' forward when we've already got about five of them. Tell me we can recruit Franklin or Jack Riewoldt and I'll slice off a plum to get the deal done but this is just too ludicrous to even consider.

It's not Jamie Shanahan coming straight out of a Grand Final side to shore up a defence which has spent two years under siege. It's taking a massive risk on somebody who even if he doesn't get himself into any shenanigans off-field is no leader, defensively suspect and has been out of the big time for the best part of two years. No thanks. Not to mention that we'd look like the filthiest hypocrites on the face of the planet after carpeting Casey for signing him because it would "ruin the development of our players" only to then take him ourselves. I'd rather keep Juice for another year, and knowing the charmed run he's had over the last few years that will probably happen.

Get the midfield right first. Win some clearances against good teams and stop our defence from having to defend 75 inside 50's weekly then talk to me about going out and getting a 29-year-old ex-superstar forward. Can't believe I'm dedicating so much space to even discussing the idea but it seems people are convinced that he's the answer to all our problems and that's more baffling than Baileyball.

A forward line featuring some combination of Watts, Jurrah, Howe, Petterd, Dunn, Green and Sylvia has a lot to like about it as long as we can feed them properly and not have the ball breaking down 50 times a game before they get the chance to do something with it. Throw in some CRUMB and we're really talking but you can have anybody you like down there and it's not going to help a jot if kicks are getting cut off across half-back or wild handballs are going straight up in the air and landing in the hands of somebody with an opponent riding them like Phar Lap. Feed the forwards, let them know it's Christmas time.

Speaking of forwards is it too early to declare a love for Jeremy Howe which is approaching rude levels? It could all go backwards, and it usually does, but he's been great so far. Should have had four today had he not botched the absolute sitter for the last one but his work around the ground is great and he's got bucket hands which will hold pretty much everything. If we go out and sign some guy who used to be good five years ago and stuff up his development I'll kick buggery out of something. Nobody will ever approach the same category of illicit love as Jack Trengove got after signing a contract extension this week (TAKE NOTE SCULLY. ACTUALLY WAIT, DON'T BECAUSE I'D PREFER THE COMPO) but he's in the same category.

Even happier with Jeremy was @amul82, who not only saw the Pies win a Grand Final in his lifetime but also showed up today just to boost the attendances, got in free and then had twenty on JH for the first goal at 21-1 just because he'd seen a world class Jeremy* (* new readers will be baffled) walk past him on the way to the TAB. Some people have all the luck.

I was happy too considering it took ten minutes for the first goal to go in AND it was us who got it. Problem was they booted the next seven. Welcome to an action 'flashing (R) in the corner a'la World Cup Mexico 86' repeat of last week, in which we played decent, intense football against a top four contender for the first half of the quarter before dropping off and getting smashed after having botched numerous chances to put a decent score up. Even Garland was down there having shots, which was interesting. Shots which put pay to any suggestion that he's the next big thing for our forward line.

"He was drafted as a forward!" they cry, "Don't piss him about like Brad Miller" I reply. Kicked ten in a club game the year before he was drafted. Not with shots like the one he took today I'll bet. Is a worthy defender, just leave him there. The only one I'd even consider trying to throw forward for gimmick value would be Rivers, and even then there's no need for it at the moment because as previously discussed (18 times before today) if we GET THE BALL TO OUR FORWARDS THEY ARE ACTUALLY NOT ALL THAT BAD.

From then on just assume near total domination by the Eagles for the rest of the quarter and complete mental disintegration on our behalf. Fan favourite Morton did his bit to win back the love of the community by totally stuffing up an attempt to roll a fancy shot through the goals when a good old fashioned drop punt would have probably done the job. Unfortunately even though he was given every opportunity to play on the wing and in the middle of the ground he just wasn't good enough again. Snapped a nice goal at the end but the damage was done.

May as well keep playing him considering the season is stuffed but he's going nowhere. Still, what are you going to do. Trade him? All well and good but what are you going to get. It's one thing to cite him as a number four draft pick and suggest that we'd get something half decent but who's going to give you anything for a player who hasn't fired a shot for two years? Especially when you could get him for free in the pre-season draft. I don't want to have to lose him, but where's he going if he stays? Even when he had clean possessions today they didn't hit the target, and that's the biggest issue. I don't expect him to smash through packs, win hard ball and extract it like he's J**d but if you're going to be an 'outside' player then at least hit 30m passes with accuracy. Nobody's falling for one of our mutton dressed as lamb trading coups after the Johnstone/McLean trades. Look forward to him winning a flag for the Pies next year.

Amongst 22 players who can't kick most of the time there's also Jordie McKenzie. But the difference between the two is that while Jordie is ordinary by foot at the best of times his heart is about ten times bigger. He's the one we're expecting to dive into packs, put on tackles, tag people to buggery and extract the ball from the middle by hand. Probably gets paid a damn sight less than Morton too. Given that we all know there's one thing he's not all that good at it seemed odd how many times he was used as the playmaker coming out of the backline today. No bloody wonder we spent most of the first half turning the ball over if he's the guy we're expecting to set the play up. It's clear that his first instinct is to handball every time, so don't expect him to be banging 50m passes to a target. He knows his limitations, now everybody else feel free to join in and play to them.

We were utter balls for most of the first half, and our defenders made their fair share of mistakes with everyone else, but I did like Frawley and Macdonald coming out of the backline. At least they were (wild footy cliche alert) taking the game on. Problem was that they either ran around an opponent and looked up to see nobody or they'd get it to somebody in time for the next kick to end in tragedy. Garland was good too, and although it seems Rivers has become a whipping boy for some people I didn't mind his game either. Don't forget the sort of attack we were against today. Kennedy, Lynch, Le Cras, Naitanui, Nicoski. It's hardly a sloppy lineup. Given that we were killed out of the middle in the first half they did as well as could be expected.

Meanwhile I was surprised at Green as a late withdrawal, and coming in the same week that there was allegedly a meeting during the week featuring 'heated discussions' (aka: doors slammed, kettles swung around the head via an electrical flex and crockery smashed) I expect that a full range of conspiracy theories about his 'soreness' will be all over the net by the time I've finished writing this. Could be that he was legitimately sore, could be that he ended the meeting turning blue in a Todd Viney headlock. Either way you can be sure that footy's greatest muckrakers are currently coming up with some fantastic bullshit to explain it. Hutchy, Caro, Barrett - this is your time to shine.

Suffice to say that when we were seven goals down at half time and looking like we were about to be on the end of another thrashing the mood amongst the Melbourne fans in my section was subdued. There were clearly more than a few people who were wondering why they'd bothered to turn up at that hole of a ground and watch yet another week of stinky garbage football. Dunn tried to start a fight to keep himself amused but nobody was taking somebody with a tiddly little moustache like that seriously and it died out pretty quickly. I'll admit to becoming frustrated at another pissy, unconvincing show of aggression and abusing all and sundry. I wouldn't be surprised if somebody saw/heard it considering it seemed to be "run into people you know" day.

I wish somebody would realise that the perfect time to take out all your frustrations by biffing somebody in the scone is starting to run out. Nobody cares if you get a three game ban now, it's hardly #freetrengove time where we think that we're actually good. Now if anybody does it and gets any more than two weeks they'll have to serve it next year and it's a waste. Sad. Not much chance any of our lot could do damage with a punch anyway. You can show all the Enter Sandman backed hype videos you like of players boxing before the game and I'll still refuse to accept that any of them are going to win in a stand-up fight. And while we're on the subject of novelty music at sports can I repeat my suggestion that the darts music gets played at the end of every quarter? The crowd would go wild. Especially if, a'la the darts they were handed blank placards and could write foul and offensive statements about Stephen Milne on them.

If you're going to play pop music garbage anyway at least play something the crowd (or at least just me) can get into. Atmosphere sorted.

At least we made of a fight of it in the third. When they kicked the first goal of the third it was starting to look very, very ugly but from there we weren't at all bad. Howe's goal from 50 nearly caused me to bar up and despite Nicoski (he's got Mark Harvey eyes) kicking a goal by thumping it straight into thinly veiled carpark roof turf and having it fly through, which says it all about that stadium, Dunn, Watts and Sylvia all kicked goals and we were one goal from behind back in it.

Unfortunately after doing precious little all the day the current leader of the Allen Jakovich Medal could have given to Dunn for another one straight after his first but went for the solo and cocked it up. Bartram missed another one running straight into an open goal 40m out and they went straight from one end to another - as they did so many times today - and kicked a goal which pretty much snuffed out any hope of a ludicrous comeback.

We were at least winning consistently out of the middle during the third quarter. Jamar and The Experience were hardly dominant at any time during the day but they put the brakes on the Cox/NicNat show long enough for Moloney/Scully/etc to start getting their hands on it. West Coast were rattled but too bloody late, we'd already let them get a million points in front so fat lot of good it did. When Trengove kicked that (future) captain's goal after the 3/4 time siren we were still a million to one to win but if it had been the other way around I've been absolutely shitting it.

Have I ever told you how much I love Trengove? Apparently his sister won the City To Surf this morning so there's clearly some unreal genes going around in that family. Who didn't swoon when they read about his extending his contract even when he didn't need to? I know we've killed Brock McLean and condemned Jack Grimes to a lifetime of serious injuries by previous anointing them as the next captain and we're far too conservative to do anything crazy like give a kid the top job but how much would you love to fast forward to the point where he's ready to take it over? I love Grimes and hope he's in the leadership group for many years to come but he needs to concentrate on getting his body right before being considered for anything.

I'm backing a Moloney/Trengove ticket but can you really ditch a captain and keep him on the list? Easier said than done. He might be into it but I can't see a ten year player willingly put his hand up and admitting "I am a rubbish captain". I'm not sure I even think he is. Many people seem to but maybe it's just what he's got to work with? The new coach provides the cover for a change so it'll be interesting to see if they do something radical (and for god's sake say either say NO to co-captains or name 46 of them) or continue 100+ years of MFC tradition and opt for the steady as she goes approach. I think I'm just dying for us to do something bold. Knowing my luck when it comes it'll probably involve relocating to Albury/Wodonga.

Bartram could have upgraded the contest from barely interesting to semi-exciting when he missed another shot at the start of the quarter. God knows how he's kicked 16 goals in his 93 game career but I'm not surprised that six of them were in 2006. He was alright following Kerr around today but skills are deplorable for a sixth year player. Will almost certainly be back next year because he's contracted to the end of 2012 but seems to be treading water massively. He was once fifth in the Rising Star you know. Then you look that year's award up, see they voted for Danyle Pearce over Marc Murphy and realise that the judging panel were at best misguided and at worse on the piss. Andrew Raines was second? I remember absolutely nothing of '06 that wasn't MFC related but that just shows the Rising Star is about as faulty a judge of future potential as the draft.

The Eagles missed three in a row, then Petterd kicked OOF and time was rapidly running out for a shock victory. They boot two of the last three, we lose by almost 50 points and nobody actually cares that much. Expectations have been squashed so flat that half a century seems like a step in the right direction. This club is in a bad way and what I hate about it even more than my own selfish reasons is that Jim Stynes has taken another turn for the worst and is absolutely battling for his life having to watch this. I wasn't expecting us to rampage to the flag in his honour but what a kick in the guts for the guy to watch this trash. At least he's not busting out of hospital to watch it now. Don't even bother with this stuff Jim, just forget football exists for a few months - they're not worthy of your fighting spirit.

Did anything else happen? Chances are if it was on the other end of the ground I wouldn't know. That's the magic of sitting on Level 1 at Docklands. People actually pay more for that you know. Utter madness.

Tell you who I did like and that was Sam Blease. He's quick, he's a good kick and for a second game player who wasn't scared to grab the ball and run with it. Absolutely must play the last three games of this year. If I wait until 4.40pm next Sunday to find out that he's wearing a green vest and sitting in the dugout for three quarters I will not be held responsible for my actions.

2011 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - James Frawley
4 - Joel McDonald
3 - Jeremy Howe
2 - Brent Moloney
1 - Sam Blease

Apologies to Petterd, Jones, Garland, Watts, Dunn, Rivers, Jones and Trengove.

Leaderboard
So, with three games to go we're no nearer to deciding on the overall winner out of the top five, but the Experience is all but home for the biggest upset in history in the Stynes (though given that we paid out on Jamar earlier in the year it's almost guaranteed to go backwards.. and surely the Russian will absolutely feast on Gold Coast and Port). Lucky he didn't get votes playing in the backline today or there might have been a steward's enquiry as to his eligibility.

Frawley and Macdonald have cleared out in the Seecamp, with Rivers and Garland needing at least multiple 5's or 4's in the next three weeks to stand any chance. And with apologies to Tapscott I think Howe should win the Hilton from here in canter given that he's achieved next big thing status. Previous NBT's include Jones, Dunn, Bate and .. oh fuck I am so sorry that I've done this to you Jeremy.

27 - Colin Sylvia
25 - Brent Moloney
24 - Stefan Martin (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Jack Watts
23 - Jordie McKenzie
18 - James Frawley (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
16 - Mark Jamar
14 - Joel Macdonald
13 - Jack Trengove
11 - Ricky Petterd, Jared Rivers, Jeremy Howe (LEADER: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
10 - Jordan Gysberts
9 - Colin Garland
8 - Brad Green
6 - Luke Tapscott, Lynden Dunn
5 - Rohan Bail
4 - Michael Evans, Tom Scully
3 - Jack Grimes, Liam Jurrah, Nathan Jones
2 - Clint Bartram, Neville Jetta
1 - Addam Maric, Matthew Bate, Sam Blease

Crowd Watch
It was looking a bit grim at 12.50 when there were only about 7,000 people in the ground, but my panic that we'd pocket the record for the lowest attendance at Docklands to go in our anti-trophy cabinet with the Geelong debacle didn't take into account that even when there's a handful of people at Corporate Stadium it still takes ages to do anything easy like, say, buy a ticket. As I learnt when foolishly trying to get into one of the other lowest drawing games in the ground's history (Port vs North) you have to get the attention of the woman in the ticket booth first and once she's finished having her conversation with the person in the next booth you might actually get a ticket.

Luckily the crowd 'streamed' in just in time for us to only pocket the 11th lowest. Never fear, we've still got second place locked up. And there's a phrase you're not likely to hear again for a few more years (unless it involves the biggest losses).

You don't need me to tell you what a horrible, soulless, shell of a place it is, but it's even worse when there's nobody there. Usually that's a bonus because you can at least get food, take a whizz, get the hell out of there etc.. quicker than usual but at least when we play an interstate team in front of a garbage crowd at the MCG there's some semblance of atmosphere. Even the Eagles fans couldn't be bothered getting excited when they were running away with it today, and we didn't give a peep until the run in the third quarter gave us some misguided hope of a blockbusting comeback. Nobody cared. Massive end of season slop game.

Speaking of food did anybody else notice the heavy push that they were giving to "Cobs"? No? Well it's entirely likely that I'm the only person who pays attention to this sort of thing. Just when you think the place couldn't embrace any more wanky causes they start trying to encourage you to eat boom foods like corn at the footy. Why? God knows. Suffice to say I don't think you should buy corn futures based solely on the future of Cobs because if the success of the Healthier Foods (i.e only half as deadly) stand is anything to go by the whole enterprise will be shuttered up and in the hands of liquidators by lunchtime Wednesday.

Footy fans do not want corn, they want some mushy indeterminate meat inside a rapidly disolving pastry which will almost certainly explode in their lap, burning them in sensitive areas yet simultaneously being cold by the time it gets to their mouth. For some reason they will pay $5 for this privilege. Nobody's paying for corn. It's like Woolworths Safeway featuring Smith Street hipsters talking about cake in their ads. You can try and be down with the kids all you like but you're still a footy stadium/supermarket. At least they were selling hot dogs again... How I hate myself for giving that place a cent. What a dirty hypocrite.

Truth be told it wasn't too bad where we sat on the wing but the problem when they lie about "improving the atmosphere" by forcing 90% of the crowd onto the bottom level you actually end up losing the one thing that you've got going for you by following a shit team, the option to not have to sit with everyone else if you don't want to. Suddenly it's like you are at the MCG amongst 75,000 people and you've got idiots clambering over you every 20 seconds to get beers and drunken yokels standing at the back screaming random comments. Give me the top deck of Docklands any day.

I know they shut it to save money, and because it will look even worse on TV when 15,000 are spread across three levels instead of two, but I reserve the right to be greedy and totally ignore the financial reasons. We're going to be handing over a substantial amount of cash for today anyway, why not just hire a few Romanian orphans to come in at 3/4 time with brooms and clean the top deck on the cheap?

And did we really need to wheel out the trumpet? The prospect of the jazz odyssey version of our theme song not being played for once was the only thing that being at Docklands had going for it. Imagine if they hadn't ditched the farcical flag raising ceremony after two weeks? I'd have been on the field in London fashion, snapping the flagpole in two by piffing the trumpet through it.

The only thing I did enjoy was the woman they had in the hype video at the start who screamed a lot but managed to get a reference to Docklands as "this desert of a place" past the censors at the start. Watch us cop a fine for that on top of the shit crowd payout.

Also Dwayne Russell walked right past me outside the ground. For those of you who watched on TV I apologise wholeheartedly for not trying to delay him by saving his cat had died ("HORRENDOUS LUCK FOR TIGGER!") or that his car had been set alight in the underground parking lot ("THAT COULD NEED THE FIREFIGHTER!"). Or even just crash tackled him to the ground and defended myself to the police as a sufferer of Melbourne Supporter Depression Syndrome. If people can smash shop windows and steal Playstations while claiming social exclusion surely you could take out your most hated commentator and blame Cale Morton.

Radio Watch + Koaching Korner
Enjoyed Mick Malthouse picking apart everything that was terrible about us on SEN. Clearly his co-commentators had been instructed that he'd walk out if they even jokingly made any comments about him coaching us next year because there were about fifty times that he'd highlight some old bollocks that we'd done and there'd be an awkward silence for a second as somebody caught themselves before saying "So, what are you going to do about that next year?" or ask him if he has Sylvia in his best 22.

He'd be insane to spend what should be his retirement years trying to fashion this team into anything half decent, but god knows if he got to a Grand Final with a team featuring Carl Steinfort, Rupert Betheras and Steve McKee AND almost won then come on down. He can clearly identify where we're shit but let's see what he does about it.

Failing that I'll have Mark Williams just because he's an unhinged nutcase and it will pave the way for #chokeyourselfwithatie to become the next big thing in Twitter hashtags.

Next Week
Good timing for Richmond to snap a six game losing streak with a win over half decent (albeit fading rapidly) opposition today. Should set them up nicely to twat us at graveyard o'clock next Sunday. We were one grade above them the last time we played, and while they might not have gone anywhere since we've been steaming backwards at a million miles an hour so it's a perfect match. Poor Bradforth J Miller, left alone in the queue with Paul Johnson and Scott Thompson as McLean, Buckley, Bruce, Cheney and Jolly all take their turns giving us a kicking. It's his turn next week - one last chance to kick ten. And you know very well that he saves his best work for the end of the season when it's contract renewal time. Be afraid.

If you blindly cheat the ladder predictor (press up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A then start on the opening screen) we can still make the eight but come on don't be silly. Here's what Viney should be saying if any journo is mental enough to ask him about the possibility.


As for in's and out's I'm not going to throw Davey and Morton to the 2011 scrapheap yet but they've got to show something soon or there'll be no point playing them. Davey has got a lot more credit in the bank than the anorexic Maric style emo, and he was pretty good when he did get it today but the problem was that he didn't get it enough. If he needs time to get away and get his head right then give it to him, otherwise he's just got to keep playing and hopefully will finish the year on a high.

There's also not many players who I'm dying to see come out of the twos. Gawn goes
without saying, and given Richmond's putrid defence we might as well pick all three of them next week. Why not throw Robert Campbell in there as well and have a ruckman foursome? After all we did pay $15k to upgrade him off the rookie list for some strange reason. May as well really take the piss and add Jack Fitzpatrick as well. Thrown in the The Spencil rolling about in a wheelchair if you want, just play the Gawn/Jamar/SME trio of terror because eventually we're going to have to pick two of them to go with.

Green/Jurrah are a given (or are they?) and Jetta deserves another go before the end of the year but who else is there? Jamie Bennell has been played time after time and contributes nothing. Bate was one of the best this week but is clearly not wanted in our senior side based on being the sub twice in a row and coming on for the most of the game just to be underwhelming last week. Tom McDonald maybe but Maric is gone, Davis and Lawrence are probably not going to be ready this year and Tom McNamara is a mystery to everyone.

T-Mac was amongst the best on ground for the Scorpions the other day but we can't even play him due to being on the rookie list can we? Makes it even more baffling to me why we upgraded Campbell. The chances of him being legitimately required are 100-1 because it would take dual ruckman injury/suspension debacles within the next fortnight for him to play even one game. McNamara, on the other hand, is a 21-year-old kid who hasn't played a senior game for nearly two years but has shown some decent (if not world beating) form for Casey. He's either got a future or he hasn't and surely one or more of the three slop sides would have been the right opposition for him to play against for us to at least get an idea? Obviously not.

Sucked in if you donated $15k at the Foundation Heroes dinner only to turn on your computer the next day and find out that your hard earned has been used to promote somebody who probably won't play a game. Is it some sort of rort where we've had somebody ask about trading for him but we can't do it if he's a rookie? Surely not. Nobody, not even Richmond, could be that desperate. And what's pick 100 going to do for us anyway? PASS on all fronts. I'd rather keep $15k in the pocket or give T-Mac/Lawrence the chance to play in a meaningless end of season match. Just the usual baffling move that you've come to know and love from this club. Would be nice if somebody came out and explained these things but as we all know now they're too busy behind doors trying to knife each other in the back to have any time for football matters.

Oh, and if you're looking for Lucas Cook he's in the Casey 2's. And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Was it worth it?
The worst thing was having to hear the Eagles theme song with its killer synth drums a'la the theme from Eastenders.

Final thoughts
The tradition continues. Drape a green jacket across Etihad Stadium and put a red vest on our season.

Bloodsport for all

Do you fear the force of the wind,
The slash of the rain?
Go face them and fight them
Be savage again.

Go hungry and cold like the wolf,
Go wade like the crane.
The palms of your hands will thicken,
The skin of your cheek will tan,
You'll grow ragged and weary and swarthy,

But you'll walk like a man

Were I any of Todd Viney, Chris Connolly, Garry Lyon or whoever the hell is running our football department these days I'd have written those words out on gigantic placards and stuck them on the wall in the changerooms before the match. It's not too cerebral for your average footballer and surely the point of it is easy to understand no matter how many concussions you've had.

In fact it's so sports bogan friendly that I, as a sports bogan, only heard it in an NFL Films production (track 27). Still, they should make kids read that in school (if it weren't that the command to "be savage" would probably lead to the little dears murdering each other) because everything said within is absolutely 100% correct even though it was written more than a hundred years ago.

After the week we've had, and the well justified kickings from the entire football community over what a complete shambles we've become, the least we could ask from our players was the touch of savagery that has sadly been lacking for many, many years. At least they delivered a sniff of it for the first 25 minutes, but if you were able to walk into the TAB and put a complicated multi on all the aspects that would make up a game of AFL football you'd have been able to put your house on what was going to happen today - albeit at $1.05 it was so obvious.

Your TAB ticket might have looked like this;

LEG 1: Team suffering a week from hell comes out breathing fire
LEG 2: but doesn't last the first quarter before running out of puff
LEG 3: leading to the opposition taking control in dominant fashion c/o superstars
LEG 4: and only missing out on delivering a triple figure beating because they start self-preservation two minutes into the last quarter.

Total payout for a $10 stake - $10.50

That's the only ticket more tragic than the one that was sitting on the steps next to me during the first quarter which read - FIRST GOALKICKER: MITCH ROBINSON. "Oh yes" I thought, "somebody has dropped their winning ticket, I'll do a casual move to pocket this while everyone's distracted and at least I'll get something out of today". Then just as I was about to completely shed my dignity in even worse fashion than the people who wear those oversized OPSM glasses another casual look revealed that the ticket was actually for last week. Even theft and fraud aren't working for me at the moment.

It was two years ago (not quite) to the day when a late season debacle against the Blues with the tank in top gear caused me to totally abandon any pretence of a 'match review' and instead just post a giant picture of Jamar and some votes. Feels a lot like that should be happening again tonight. Except two years ago if you'd told us we'd have only progressed a few tentative steps beyond that glorious day when the Russian booted five I'd have taken action to ensure I never watched footy again.

Two years ago we knew we were rock bottom last and horrible but some of us (guilty as charged) had a childlike belief that things could only get better - to the point where we'd undoubtedly be legitimate finals challengers by the end of 2011. Now here we are, shed of one coach, about to be shed of one top draft pick, owning just a handful of decent victories and with more players on our list going nowhere or backwards than forward. I was doing enthusiasm at the start of the year, and against all odds I was doing it before the Bulldogs game (via numerous ups and downs) but since then we've been served up a giantic, smelly slop bucket full of the Ebola virus. Never again I say, for the fourth time this season.

Ironically we only played one really bad quarter today, which is three better than last week, but it was almost equally as hard to find good players. Nobody was as bad, but there was hardly a standout amongst them. There was all the oomph you'd expect in the first few minutes, but when we had gilt edges chances we stuffed them up and at the other end Carlton were absolutely ruthless. At various times we were even making Brock McLean look good for the first time since the 2006 Elimination Final. In the tradition of making ridiculous comments on the internet may I be the first to say "mature aged recruit?" because you know somebody is doing exactly the same thing as you read this.

No need to watch the game if you missed it, just slap the DVD marked "GENERIC MFC GAME" on and enjoy the sporting magic unfolding before your very eyes. The only difference is that this time we almost broke even on the inside 50's today, for what that was worth.

I was comfortable with a MAXIMUM/EXPERIENCE tag-team combination in the ruck if Jamar really is injured, but sadly they were absolutely massacred. That's not always the be all and end of all it - after all how many times have we dominated the taps and been thrashed? - but when you can barely win a single centre clearance all day (and certainly none when the game is slipping away) you're going to be in a fair bit of trouble when the rucks aren't firing. Then there was Stef's negligent homicide on Tapscott later in the day. Not a red letter day for our young rucks.

For so long our defenders have been the only thing between us copping the sort of pasting that we got last week but it's almost like they're shellshocked now from having to defend so grimly for so many years. They all have their moments but they're not the steel trap combination that at least stopped us from getting belted against good teams every other week last year. Joel Mac and Garland were amongst the better players today (and at least J.Mac takes people on and plays-on WITHOUT there being an opposition player 1cm behind him - please take notes Nathan Jones) but that's based mainly on the fact that there weren't many of them. SPOILER ALERT - With a couple of major exceptions the midfielders and forwards are hardly going to feature prominently in the votes.

One forward who will feature deservedly is Jack Watts, and not only will he go bloody close to winning the Allen Jakovich Medal on here I'd like to have a sneaky bet on him at odds for the B&F as well, because he's put in some decent performances in abysmal sides this year. Unfortunately I missed his pisstake of a blind turn around nobody which left McLean standing there wondering what the hell was going on because I was too busy trying to work out who had injured themselves at the other end of the ground, but watching it online later it's retrospectively the only highlight of the day. This means that there were absolutely none in the two plus hours I was sitting there watching it. This season is really starting to grate on me.

Were I smart I'd go nowhere near Etihad Stadium next Sunday, and would even refuse to look out of my window from which I can see the ground (no, I do not live in the Remand Centre). I am not. See you there.

As for Strauss the less said about his injury the better. I saw it once and that's more than enough for me. I might not have wanted him in the team this week but the poor bastard has absolutely destroyed himself and that's shocking for any player. I wouldn't even wish that on J**d (though maybe Milne could do with a dose). The MCG were polite enough to only play it once, enough for everyone to realise just what a rude injury it was, but the same rules clearly don't apply to the rest of the media outlets. Just look at the vulture scum pretending they're horrified about seeing it, and wincing with fake angst and concern for the kid while they play it for the tenth time.

Funnily enough just a few minutes later he'd done the first thing that really impressed me since he came into the side, hitting Watts with a perfect 40m pass going inside 50, and now he's unlikely to be seen again until at least this time next year if not 2013. Imagine if it had happened to Scully? Kevin Sheedy would have topped himself. It's not to say he won't come back and play good footy but what a cruel thing to happen to somebody that young who is just establishing himself. Best wishes to him from everyone (all one of us) at Demonblog. It's times like this that you realise just how lucky we've been with really serious injuries - there's season enders like Grimes and his foot and then there's shockers like this and we've been pretty lucky to avoid them over the years.

The hat-trick of misses from Watts, Dunn and Green which started from that Strauss kick to the Million Dollar Manchild all but did us in, as if we weren't going to get turned over anyway. Get out the Big Book O'Footy Stereotypes, flick past BULLER, MT and all the humorous gags about us yelling PIP PIP off the ski-lift and go straight to K for "kicked themselves out of it", where commentators firmly believe that a side who are completely outmatched and who are clearly going to lose actually cost themselves the game by not taking their opportunities. It certainly wouldn't have hurt, but look at Essendon/Collingwood last week if you want to see what usually happens when a rubbish side bounds out to a shock lead against a substantially better team.

Fact was Carlton were always the better team by a million miles, and even if we had kicked those goals and taken a 20 point lead there was always going to be a time where they'd turn it on and bang us unmercifully like the low self esteem, confidence free, gang of emos that we are.

We were still hanging on, just there (even though we were winning for much of the quarter) when Strauss had his mishap and after Howe got his goal that was their cue to turn it up and treat us with contempt. From Tapscott bombing one into the square at the 32 minute mark we suddenly managed to concede another three goals - the worst of which saw them deliver the sort of kick-in that would cause grown men to weep if we did it and go down the other end in about 20 seconds flat to kick a goal.

All wasn't completely lost at quarter time, but it was pretty soon after. Enter C. J**d, the man who will only get his name back on this site when [$omeone else] does a runner to GWS for megabucks and loses theirs. He'd been good but not great in the first quarter but decided to turn on an absolute clinic in the second. He wasn't alone either, they barely had one player who didn't cut us to shreds. It was utterly ugly, but at least I'd seen worse in the previous seven days.

Eight goals to nil by the end of it and all of a sudden Watts is roving the backline and it seems like nothing has changed from if not last week (nothing could be worse) then a fortnight ago against Hawthorn. Funny to think that after that game we (i.e me) thought that we were still a red hot chance of playing the finals if things went our way in the last three games. Enough of that talk, we're rubbish and it's time to admit it instead of holding onto the

The one thing that was missed in the furious backtracking by the media who tried to get rid of him after Bailey's classy exit was that the fact we are (probably) going to win more games this year than in 2010 is an horrifically overrated stat. Winning games last year meant something because there were only one or two rubbish teams, and even they had their moments (Brisbane over Collingwood anyone? WCE beating us? Maybe the second one not so impressive) whereas this year you've got Gold Coast, Port and Brisbane who are absolute solid gold certainties for four points.

Despite the far more even competitive league last year (how many 120pt+ wins?) we went into the last weeks with an outside chance at playing finals then as well - and I'd argue that we were far better equipped to play in September then and have gone backwards this season. We stuffed up those three games but at least we were in the third last one against Hawthorn right until the last few minutes, this year they'd have pummelled us.

Injury hasn't helped but there's also obviously intensive mental issues both on and off the field. For instance how many times this year could we have rushed a point but hestitated before finally coughing up a goal. Somebody sit these kids down and say this is what you can do, this is what you can't do and if we get rorted by the umpires on a 50/50 one then so be it. Instead you get mass panic whenever the ball goes down there, almost inevitable disaster and the farce of the one time somebody did try and rush one through they handballed it straight to a Carlton player who would have waltzed in unchallenged if J**d hadn't already (amazingly) been pinged for a throw.

It pains me to admit that the Melbourne supporting junior and latterday turncoat is an amazing player. You don't need to come on here to find that out, but if that's what we're eventually going to miss out on with Scully then I hope the compensation picks we get deliver because what we desperately need now is a natural leader in the middle, with the grunt to get the job done week in, week out no matter whether or not the rest of the side are pulling their weight.

"Moloney's missing Jamar" said somebody around me, and if that's what we're relying on for success in the midfield then no wonder we're so necked. We all enjoyed the Psychic Friends Connection when it was at it's peak, but surely everyone knew that after they combined to thrash the pants off the Crows earlier in the year that opposition teams would twig on it and make sure that they couldn't combine at every single centre bounce. They did, we have no plan B, Jamar has been ordinary since he came back and Moloney just gets slaughtered against good sides - and it's not all his fault, if we could get somebody else in there to give him a hand it would help. Funny that considering we've spent years drafting midfielders, but welcome to the wonderful world of the MFC.

From the third quarter onwards it was procession football, and only their disinterest in hurting themselves before the important end of the year stopped us from another farce and Todd Viney from joining the Dean Bailey Horror Coaching Debuts coterie group. The only moments of note in the second quarter were Green giving away a free and subsequently a goal by jostling with some oaf at the other end of the ground.

It's all well and good that people are whinging about Green being no good as a captain, but please tell me who you're going to replace him with. My first instinct would be Moloney but he's hardly your man if you want somebody who is going to perform week in, week out. Second choice would be Trengove but having already buried McLean and to a lesser extent Grimes by annointing them as future captains I'm wary about doing it a third time.

Either way I wouldn't be surprised if the new coach has a full Gillard style leadership spill when he (or she, why not be innovative if you're going to be shit anyway?) takes over. Let Brad get back to doing what he does best and go for a long term option instead. If he cracks the sads and throws the toys out of the pram over getting dumped then the door is that way. I love Brad (in a mostly heterosexual manner) and defend him to the death most of the time but even I'm starting to think we could with somebody else in the job. Will we have a new captain by R1, 2012? Depends on who gets the coaching job I'd say - if it's a first timer he'll probably leave it the same, if it's a bit of a psycho like Williams/Laidley/Malthouse he'll probably slash and burn. Either way, leadership groups are still the biggest wank in football.

All in all another great day at the footy. Can't for the life of me understand why there were about 500 MFC fans there. Roll on 2012/13/14/whenever.

2011 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
In a slight improvement over last week the top two at least deserve their votes. The next three barely squeeze in but they deserve it more than the four in the apologies. Who would have thought that it would be actually be harder to give out votes in 2011 than it was for most of 08/09?

5 - Jack Watts
4 - Jack Trengove
3 - Lynden Dunn
2 - Colin Garland
1 - Joel Macdonald

Apologies to Gysberts, Jones, Moloney and Howe in no particular order.

Leaderboard
Grandstand finish in prospect between five men who have never won the least coveted award in AFL footy, but does anybody deserve it right now? You know you're in trouble when the guy leading by three votes is getting dropped.

At least if there's any justice in the world the season will end with (at least) two straight wins and whoever does break free from that group to take the medal will have to do it by playing well in a win instead of scoring votes for being the least shit in a demoralising shambles.

27 - Colin Sylvia
24 - Stefan Martin (OMFG LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Jack Watts
23 - Brent Moloney, Jordie McKenzie
16 - Mark Jamar
13 - Jack Trengove, James Frawley (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
11 - Ricky Petterd, Jared Rivers
10 - Jordan Gysberts, Joel Macdonald
9 - Colin Garland
8 - Jeremy Howe (LEADER: Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year), Brad Green
6 - Luke Tapscott, Lynden Dunn
5 - Rohan Bail
4 - Michael Evans, Tom Scully
3 - Jack Grimes, Liam Jurrah, Nathan Jones
2 - Clint Bartram, Neville Jetta
1 - Addam Maric, Matthew Bate

Crowd Watch
Did Carlton win the award for the worst banner ever today? Can somebody please explain what this means.

What I think it means is that they had a competition via Facebook to come up with a poor rhyme for their banner and that was the winner, but I'm not entirely sure because they're a cheersquad and anything can happen when you get people like that together.

If that is the case then their cheer squad are the biggest tightarses ever because then they turned it around so that the competition winner was facing the other way and the players instead ran through a banner advertising Telechoices. Very inspirational. Obviously they didn't need actual motivation to beat us. And further proof, as if you needed it, that Carlton will whore any aspect of their club out for cash. I reckon we'd be the same if anybody was interested in spending money on us. Can't see Outback Jacks having the sort of funding to do that sort of thing, and now that Hankook are walking away from being on the front of the jumper (because the logo isn't in the right place? Weirdos) all we've got is the promise of some mystery company turning up and being a lucrative new sponsor. Cue running through a "BP - WE CARE" banner next year with crepe paper sea creatures covered in West Texas crude oil.

Apart from that I was surrounded by exactly the sort of quality you'd expect at a Carlton game. A small child behind me who was so angry, bitter and twisted that he either had Tourette's or is a victim of abuse, a woman who amusingly had exactly the same voice and range of comedy comments as the abused child and a lone maniac who sat there screaming random comments all day and was still doing "we are getting robbed by the umpires" ironic boos for free kicks well into the last quarter when they were a million points in front.

Then there was the peanut directly in front of me who was delivering some of the worst attempts at comedy in history. At one point when Zach Tuohy (who appears to be better than half our list, hopefully only because he's surrounded by class) ran around somebody with ease he yelled out "THE IRISHMAN! SELLS HIM THE POTATO!" to the genuine amusement of the tossbags he was with. Forget that it made absolutely no sense and that it's practically a racist comment, apparently it was absolutely the funniest thing in history if you're the sort of cockhead who leaps on his friend and starts giving him a noogie at 3/4 time (and presumably a reacharound at the final siren).

Then, as if that wasn't bad enough he sits there and says "Geez, I didn't know whether that line was going to come off.. but it DELIVERED!" and high fived somebody. He didn't look like Dwayne Russell but he had all the characteristics. Odds on he's an ordinary human in his daily life, and double odds on he'll somehow end up reading this and will post some garbage comeback. As long as it's better than his 'classic' sledge of the umpires in the third quarter which consisted of "HEY UMPIRE! FUCK YOU!" we'll all be fine. A tip, if you are going to write in with foul abuse at least make it innovative because if it involves patches on leather jackets or ski resorts you will be doing more damage to yourself than me.

Next Week
I shudder to think what the crowd is going to be like against the Eagles. When they came out before the start of the year and spoke about how our draw was "a great football draw, but a bad business one" I don't think they expected that the two would come together in one apocalyptic battle of disinterest early one Sunday afternoon.

Is the crowd required for a break-even at Docklands 25k? Because we'll be lucky to get 25 full stop the way we're going considering the natural hatred for the place by our fans even when we were good. It's a shame they're shutting the top deck because I'd like to have an entire wing to myself.

Changes? Who cares. Jamar aside it's not like we've got scores of quality players banging the door down to get a game. Sylvia and Jurrah will no doubt come straight back now that they've had the smack on the wrist but other than those three there's not a great deal in reserve. Obviously Strauss is out, they've clearly got no interest in Bate (and for the second time this year he came on as sub and didn't do much) and Tapscott has already been knocked into next week so he might be in trouble too.

Any more injuries and our training sessions are going to start looking like this;


After that..
West Coast murder us, we're no certainty of beating Richmond the way we're playing at the moment, Gold Coast should (SHOULD) provide the platform for a "We Are The World" style win where we pretend that we're not shit and hopefully Port are still last going into the final game and prefer to have the first pick after GWS (Selection 54?) instead of the pride of not finishing last on the ladder.

What a sad, sad way this year is petering out. Having our last three games against garbage teams is starting to look a lot less appealing now than it did a few weeks ago.

Break out the phantom drafts and outrageous invented trade rumours because this year is absolutely finished no matter what sort of rorts you can invent via creative use of the (RIP Dean) Bailey Ladder's Ladder Predictor. God forbid the Eagles bus drives off the Tullamarine Freeway on the way to the ground and we somehow win next week then we'll revist this but at the moment there's as much chance of us beating them in that match as there is of me being asked to provide a motivational speech to the players before it.

Was it worth it?
Murray Wrensted. 1988 Elimination Final. Thanks for nothing you clown.

Final thoughts
If I were Mick Malthouse I'd rather mop the toilets at the Westpac Centre than go out of my way to get the job of coaching this lot next year. See also Clarkson, Al. The only hope we've got of landing a prominent coach is if Eade gets the arse at Footscray.

The Bailey Debacle: Late Update

All of a sudden the smell of fish is starting to waft out of AAMI Park. Just when you thought we could get on with our lives it turns out that the allegedly brave face and united club forged by Jim Stynes after his ascension to the presidency has turned out to be a bit of a shame and actually every second person at the club hates each other.

Now, if you believe Gerard Healy (and you'll note that he's not getting the same kind of 'come back and save us' push as Lyon..) and his article on foxsports.com.au the following happened since we got rolled by Hawthorn last Sunday.

- Brad Green goes On The Couch and can barely contain the fact that there's behind the scenes issues.
- With Stynes absent Don McLardy meets with Green and players the next day and is "shocked" to find out that "the players" (how many, who, senior/junior - none of this explained) have a serious problem with "senior administrators", whom we can only imagine equals Cameron Schwab because who else could it be if it wasn't Stynes or Don himself?
- Stynes returns to meet with the players himself, and with the clock ticking on Schwab's contract extension option date the board decide to give him the boot
- Bailey is denied the option of taking the team to Geelong on Friday because it would cost too much. In one last (as it turns out) quality act he pulls out his credit card and offers to pay for it himself.

And at 2.10pm Saturday - the apocalypse. Nice way for the players to say thanks for his offer of putting them up (albeit probably at the Norlane Motel, he wasn't exactly on Collingwood money), by knifing him in the back with the second worst performance in league history. He made mistakes in the tactical setup and Geelong were ruthless but is there any realistic suggestion that the players were actually mentally distressed? Unless they were putting a brave face on it during the warmup the players hardly looked as if they were about to run out the door, across the park and into traffic.

So, we all know what happened next - and I'm still in the position of thinking that he had to go, but there's no doubt that the whole thing has been botched. I didn't expect him to walk after that, but I didn't expect the club to axe him either - let alone the next day and via a phone call.

Now that the emotion has subsided - and I'd like to think that if I was on the board of a footy club and not just some fatty with a keyboard I'd probably never have got overly emotional to start with - I'd have preferred them to have him front the board and then tell him that they weren't going to renew his contract at the end of the year. If he wanted to walk then everybody shakes hands and Todd Viney gets the job without Bails having to yank a dagger out of his back. If he wanted to go on then at least they can openly go and sniff around other coaches and not be "out of the race" when it comes to finding a new coach.

It took me until about 20 minutes ago to actually see the press conference rather than just listen to it on the radio, and what struck me was the bush league way they took down the sponsor messages after Stynes/McLardy spoke and left Bailey sitting there in front of a blank wall like he was doing his press conference from a utility room. Ok, so he wasn't the coach anymore so it wouldn't have been entirely apt to have the names up there but why put it up there in the first place then? If Hankook/Kaspersky etc.. wouldn't want their name associated with a depressing moment then it didn't help them that they were up there in lights while a man's death sentence was read out.

Now, explain this to me. If the players convinced Stynes/McLardy that they were anti-Schwab (for whatever reason) and he was effectively out the door based on their recommendation then how does the club getting tonked by 31 goals somehow save him? How does he walk into work tomorrow knowing that he wasn't wanted until some miracle conversion late on Sunday night ended with him getting a one year extension despite the fact that much of the week was spent with the players convincing the President(s) to piss him off?

What happens to him now? Do they pull off some Leading Teams/360/Deep Heat ad style bullshit to try and get everyone to link arms and sing kumbaya before the year is over? They'd better, because he's not going anywhere without a payout now - and if we waste money paying somebody that they could have gotten rid of for free I'll kick something in half. Or is he going to end up the latterday George Costanza at Play Now when he had a job but they didn't want him so they kept putting him in increasingly shit offices to try and convince him to quit off his own bat. He'll know it's not going to end well if the doors swing open tomorrow and his desk has been relocated into Yarra Park.

I don't understand why one of the two had to stay. If Bailey had to go there and then, messily as it turned out, why couldn't they both go if that's what they wanted? Fear that they wouldn't be able to get anybody else half decent after sacking the third consecutive CEO (not to mention coach) in a row? Worried they'd have to see if Paul McNamee could fit us in again during mixed doubles matches at Flushing Meadow. Surely there's a world of businessmen out there who could be our CEO - if that's the case again I'll smash something.

And what about the players? Do they have valid concerns? Are there any rifts in that group? When will they be back on Twitter telling the public that they like honking onto a chicken parma and playing FIFA? If they were all so in love with Bails but for some reason didn't bother to show it on Saturday how are they going to react to the news that the guy they were whinging about is likely to be a fixture at the club for at least another year? Who knew the boring old MFC could have so many different angles running at the same time.

Then there's Lyon on Footy Classified. He's said that he won't be coaching next time or ever so many times that if you want to have money on it happening this year then please call me and I'll be happy to take your cash and invest it in the future hosting costs of Demon Wiki because you'll just be throwing it away otherwise. He's pledged to "help in any way he can" which screams out to me that there'll be a token contribution just to get everybody off his back - perhaps as a stand-in president while Jim takes some time off - but that he's really doing it out of sufferance.

Funny that somebody (you know who you are) sent me an email before the season saying that with the departure of Wellman suddenly Bailey was isolated in a sea of MFC Old Boys and that if it went wrong he'd be buggered. It went wrong and he was.

And now, Dean Bailey. If you're reading (and I know you are. Not really) and want to tell your side of the story in football terms rather than waffle about politics and who hates who I'm here for you. Email me via demonblogger@gmail.com and we'll set it up to ask what the real fans want to know. Why is Juice is still playing for us, would you still have played Jurrah on the wing, what in the name of buggery is wrong with Cale Morton and is Maric really a massive emo? You'll get nothing of quality from the journos, come to us instead and let's do it properly over cafe latte in my loungeroom.

The Tackle: Demonblog edition

So, it's farewell then Deano and the poisoned chalice is (temporarily) handed to Todd Viney. He'll wipe the blood off it and have a crack for the rest of the year, but for now let us remember the last four seasons. Thanks to everyone who tweeted in their suggestions. I've brewed them up with a few of my own, and in a massive rip-off of Mark Robinson's column in the Herald Sun here are ten likes and ten dislikes of the Bailey era.

Once you're done, remember the man via the most fitting tribute of all - the MS Paint thread.

LIKES

Getting the job
There’s something to be said for a bloke who applies through an ad in the paper and cleans up one of the biggest names in footy in the process. The way he has conducted himself off-field since day one has been nothing less than professional, and you can see why he would have been so impressive in his presentation in the first place. Ok, so it didn’t work out but who’s to say Sheedy or Hardwick would have us much further down the road now?

It’s seems condescending to say that somebody’s a top bloke once he’s been given the boot, but it’s universally accepted that it’s true. When he spoke at the AGM before the start of this year I was almost ready to jump up and crash through a few brick walls. Unfortunately for him the one thing he couldn’t do was get into the Geelong huddle at quarter time and talk them into calming down, and what would have been an extension of at least one year on Friday became media frenzy, board panic and a sacking by Monday.

The end (off-field)
Granted he could hardly thrown a jug of water at Schwab and tee off with blue language without ruining his chances of getting another assistant job elsewhere in the future, but you can't see him being the sort of guy who would anyway. It's becoming clear that there are some serious political machinations taking place behind the scenes at this club, and for him to come out and deliver a straight down the line press conference where he even found time to mock Tony Jones asking a stupid question was sheer class and he would have won plenty of admirers for the way he handled it.

Doesn't mean he should have been our coach next year, or even next week if you're particularly aggrieved but it was handled badly at our end and he kept his dignity the whole way through.

Player wins
Jamar and Sylvia were going absolutely nowhere when he turned up. Now one of them is a reigning All-Australian and one held in such regard that Sydney are trying to lure him away with a fat cheque. Sylvia might not deliver every week but he's a million times better than he was in R1, 2008. The Swans might have landed him for a third rounder then, now they’ll have to use their legalised salary cap rorts to lure him north.

McKenzie has been a storming success off the rookie list, and whatever part Bails played in convincing Carlton to part with Pick 11 for Brock McLean he'll at least (hopefully at least, do the right thing Giz and be bloody good) be mentioned in every "great lopsided trades of our time" list from here until the end of days. And Watts vs Naitanui will go down alongside J.Frawley vs J.Riewoldt as a case of both clubs being perfectly happy with who they got.

Shame it rarely all came together on one day at the same time but at least there’s a base for a new coach to work on rather than the rotting corpse of a once decent side that Deano was handed when he took over.

Tanking
SCULLGOVE might be about to split up over the small matter of $5m cash, and some people (like me) might still want to spit every time the last few weeks of 2009 are mentioned but there’s no doubt he did the right thing. Not the "right" thing in a moral sense, but with Gold Coast and GWS lurking over the next few drafts everyone knew that if you wanted to get anything half decent you had to do it that year.

Imagine if we'd beaten Richmond, thrashed Freo a fortnight later then picked Scully only for him to take ye olde Treasure Chest of Blacktown AND we’d still ended up in the same position we're in now? Being the only man in the entire world to have integrity wouldn't mean much when coaching Frankston – so at least he gave himself every opportunity for success.

Treating Essendon and Richmond with contempt
Unless you have an office filled with Port Adelaide fans then there’s been scant opportunity for the last five years to walk into walk on a Monday morning and take the piss out of your work colleagues. Great news then if you work with a bunch of Tiger or Bomber fans, because we've consistently cleaned them up over the last couple of years – each time giving that slim glimmer of hope that there's a light at the end of the tunnel for a few days/weeks until it all collapsed again.

The fact that we're still a very, very off chance of making the finals is irrelevant because it won't happen, but the fact that we were even in that position despite never having beaten any of Carlton, Collingwood, Footscray, Geelong, Hawthorn, North or St Kilda OR won a game at Docklands since R1, 2008 is utterly ridiculous. And this, my friends, is why when the AFL try to sneak in an expanded finals series again next year they should be laughed out of the room.

Beating up on interstate teams at the MCG
It's less fun than beating a Victorian team (for all the rare times we did that), and there is the debacle against the Eagles last year to consider, but we’ll never forget the unholy hammerings dealt out to Adelaide, Freo or the Swans over the last couple of seasons.

Name A Game probably don't even bother taping most matches that we're in (unless it's to sell to opposition sides) but I could watch that hatchet job of Sydney last year a million times and never get sick of it. That's when I thought, not for the first or last time, that everything was going to be ok. I was wrong. Again.

The comeback
I don't think I'm wrong to suggest that there were a few thousand people ready to run out of the G and dive straight in front of the express train to Belgrave on the afternoon of Sunday 4 May 2008. Freo 51 points to the good, us winless and looking like we were too shit to win one game that year.

I've got no idea what he said to them at half time or whether it's just that Freo are flaky heave-ho shouting poltroons at the best of times but I'll never forget that win. Even to this day I've still got the front page of The Age from that Monday at my desk. It’s got Austin Wonaeamirri doing his CELEBRATOR leap with a blond woman going off her chop in the background. "DEE-LIRIOUS" it reads (very imaginative) "Melbourne rolls back 51-point deficit for first win of the season".

What a way to bring up his first win. We were as good in the second half as we were rancid in the first. Matthew Bate played an absolute shocker of a first half coming back for injury, THE CELEBRATOR exploded and Jeff Farmer bafflingly told somebody to "look at the scoreboard" when we were rapidly charging them down. Pav dominated but it didn’t help. We only won two more games for the year, but whatever it was still one of the most memorable matches (in a good way) that any of us will ever see.

Rare public displays of emotion
He always seemed such a calm character – maybe too much for my liking at times, I've got a fetish for coaching psychos after all – but there were a couple of great moments. One was when we were 50-0 down at quarter time against Geelong and he went off his nut (eventually holding the margin to 117 instead of letting it blow out to.. say.. 186) and the dugout punching, air swinging, "bash that up your arses" celebrations after the Essendon match this year.

It looked a bit odd at the time, and frankly stupid in retrospect, but I loved it. Looks now that it might have had more to do with it than just a football result and that he was probably reacting to intra-club pressure, but at the time it was just the outpouring emotion of somebody who had spent three and a half years of being hammered pillar to post by media and fans.

I feel bad now for changing my mind on him every two weeks.

Swearing on Live TV

Nothing better

Being a professional, dignified character for four years
Good luck wherever you end up next Deano. I expect to see you in somebody’s else’s coaches box as an assistant when we're losing a Grand Final a few years down the line. Try not to ruin it all by sticking two fingers up at our entire administration at the final siren. People love talking about who would be a good fit where - can anybody say GWS? At least in one way he might get to continue coaching Scully.

DISLIKES

The start
Nobody expected instant success after he was handed a gigantic, ripe shit sandwich at the end of 2007 (although shamefully I convinced myself that it was just a blip on the radar) but alternatively nobody expected a slopfest the likes of which we were offered against Hawthorn. That they backed up a week later and almost added another hundred point defeat caused the first of many aggrieved people to charge to their keyboard and declare that there was no way he could possibly be any good. One bloke has spent the last four years calling SEN and saying it, seemingly off his nut on helium the voice is so high.

It was a terrible start but it meant nothing at the time. Maybe they were right, but it was the slow burn equivalent of The Ox and his invented 98% certainty over Scully. If you’re wrong nobody remembers, if you’re right you parrot about how you’re a super genius who should always be listened to.

He didn't turn out to be the next Clarko, but at least he had a bash.

Tactical shenanigans
It started with Isaac Weetra given two games despite having absolutely no idea what he was doing, and it ended with Jurrah on a wing against a Brownlow Medallist but there was more than a handful of questionable decisions along the way.

For all the times when our swashbuckling game style reaped handsome dividends there were another three or four when we were completely played off the park, seemingly hoping that by sticking to the same plan for four quarters we'd somehow get out of it alright. Last Saturday was this philosophy's natural conclusion.

Tanking
Yes, it was the "right" think to do (*WINK WINK*) and it still leaves a nasty taste in my mouth but what's done is done and by taking Trengove as well as Scully we at least landed one player willing to put pen to paper and stick with the club instead of nicking off for fat wads of cash elsewhere.

The problem was that the 'questionable' moments at the end of 2008 (How’s Warnock at FF tracking?) would end up either being held up as the most glorious masterstroke of his career or as a sad failure in the forward planning department.

Adem Yze’s tweet about those few weeks being responsible for a "losing culture" is the kind of bollocks that you’d expect from somebody who Bailey sacked, but there’s no doubt that the fans of 17 other teams are going to remember him for just one reason – and it wasn’t saying fuck in an interview.

High draft picks seemingly going nowhere
Morton, Maric, Dunn, Bate – stagnating. Strauss and Blease - not yet convincing.

Here’s to Gysberts, Tapscott and Cook not falling into the same trap.

Rookie promotion madness
Newton’s two year contract extension and Spencil being promoted to the senior list were panic moves on players who weren’t good enough. Neither worked, other than a brief moment in the first quarter against North when Juice thought he was Tony Lockett.

"Competitive"
I’m glad he managed to fit one last mention of his favourite phrase into his final press conference. He must have said it a thousand times in the last four years, and while it might have been the absolutely 100% correct way to describe where we were trying to get to you couldn’t help but think somebody should have run out and bought him a Thesaurus.

There's only so much we want to hear about hanging onto the coat-tails of the better clubs before the coach comes out and sets sights on not only competing with them but beating their brains in.

The inability to land a big name
You couldn’t blame him for missing out on J**d but we've publically aimed at and missed both Shaun Burgoyne and Robert Warnock in the last couple of years (as well as less public nibbles at others) and have been rebuffed every time. No surprises that out of contract players who will command big money will want to go to a club that they’re going to be instantly successful at.

We might have dodged a bullet in not paying a fortune for Warnock in the end but it was proof that we had no profile and not even the lure of decent facilities could entice somebody to come over. Maybe a Sheedy would have been able to use his 'name' to get some better players, but then again maybe he would have redrafted Chris Heffernan and Gary Moorcroft before dragging us to the bottom with a cavalcade of senile antics.

The Junior McDonald debacle
Even Bails admits that forcing Junior out was a crucial mistake. I'd hate to think that if we'd kept him he’d have stopped McKenzie from being so good once he returned from injury but there’s no doubt that throwing him out in the street caused issues elsewhere in the club.

Losing Bruce in part because of it didn't hurt us that badly, but if there was resentment by the playing group that has continued past the moment the ball was bounced in Round 1 this year then somebody, somewhere needs to take responsibility. Maybe it’s the players themselves? Unfortunately you can't sack an entire list en masse and replace them with cut price Irish imports. What you can do is get somebody in who will scream into their faces that they're all weak and should fire up.

Our record against all the other Victorian teams
6-1-44 says it all really. Even the draw against the Pies is tainted by them keeping us in the game with outrageously slop kicking for goal and the presence of Josh Fraser.

Some people try to play the importance of this down by saying "oh it’s not a Victorian competition anymore, you beat whoever you’re put up against". Unfortunately for us, and Bails more often than not you’re up against a Victorian club – and if you’re not there’s every possible chance you’re in Perth or Adelaide where he never won manage to craft a win either.

The end (on and off-field)
Before last Saturday my low point of the season was probably starting the Carlton Friday night game in hyper-defensive mode, trying to keep the damage limited. The time to really defend was when we were about 150 points down at Kardinia Park. He went within a few metres of owning the worst result as a coach in history, and as much as a man who ended his playing career in a 160 point loss and presided over three of them while in charge of us he might be used to the odd thrashing but that's something nobody wants on their resume.

Who knows if the players would have been able to pull it off, but surely the last quarter was the time to try and stem the bleeding, waste time and do a bit of dinky kicking back and forth. He might have survived, at least for a few more weeks, with a 20 goal loss but 30 was always going to clean him up.

And so, the search for a supermodel supercoach begins. Will we pry Malthouse out of his contract with the Pies only for him to turn out like Barassi in '81, or will we be buying the RODNEY EADE - OUR MASTERMIND banner off the Dogs cheersquad and putting a darker blue on it? Or will we end up with somebody else who will work for minimum wage?

Who knows, whichever direction it goes in we'll be here to report on it.