I've come to terms with barely seeing any games in person these days, and certainly do not have the remaining nervous system for 90,000 crowds unless there's a final involved. The upside to this is the option of free expression in tense moments, usually while standing behind the couch, gripping it with both hands like somebody clutching the seat in front of them on a plummeting airplane.
There were so many twists, turns, and moments of outright insanity in the last quarter that Mrs. Demonblog, relocated to another room due to not giving a rats, thought from the sounds of commotion that we'd lost until re-entering during the theme song. It was that sort of game, and for once we found a way to win one, rather than lose in bizarre, and/or distressing circumstances. At three quarter time I was expecting a repeat of last year, when we battled like bastards to stay in the game, took the lead, then suffered collective soilage and got beaten. There were similarities, but a better Melbourne + a worse Collingwood was enough to bridge the margin from last year, even as we tackled the job of winning with the poise of a teenage boy who thinks he's about to get his end away.
It would be nice to win this fixture comfortably again one of these days. For now, I'm happy to take the points with the same 'slightly guilty, but taking it anyway' expression as Uncle Leo finding a wallet in the bin.
Usually, you can come up with an unscientific/completely made up 'feels like' score for how fair the result feels. This game was the exception that proved the unwritten rule. There are many reasons why we should have pissed this in, and others to justify a comfortable Collingwood victory. Thanks very much to the opposition for embracing the spirit and helping us get over the line.
After already winning BOG on Anzac Eve, this game confirmed Kysaiah Pickett's status as Mr. Public Holiday and Public Holiday Adjacent Football (title may need refinement - editor). The fun started in the opening minute, where after four seconds he gave away a free for running into the umpire, and 38 seconds later kicked the first goal. Suspicions that the AFL makes everything up on the spot were not helped by him avoiding a fine for the umpire contact, while the Collingwood player who conceded a free in similar circumstances later is left writing the proverbial cheque.
It's rare enough to kick the first goal this year, so getting the first two was nice. I considered it buffer for late rather than any proof that we were going to give the rivalry an extra kick-along by tonking them. Surely there's only so long one side can hoot at Langdon for making duck comparisons and/or launching surprise scrag on Nick Daicos last year. If it was the latter I'd have thought winning the game would be good enough revenge, but these are the same people who were still moaning about May saying we should've beaten them (not without some justification) after winning the flag.
I'm glad we didn't bring back the Langdon tag. Last year it just freed up the other Daicos to run riot, and denied us the Ed everyone wants - pelting along the wing with his tongue poking out.
Key position players have as much of a chance of winning AFL awards as I do Kazakhstani Keno (yes, other than the Coleman), but midway through the first term Petty looked on track for the most random trophy win in history. He set up two red hot chances - one converted, one best left undiscussed - and kicked his second up the chimney, sky-high snap of the year. Can't argue that he's been a better forward than defender this year, and with later developments in this game he'll almost certainly have to stay there. In the unlikely event that I become a mature-age student, my thesis topic will be "Harrison Petty - forward or back?"
No pressure at all on the debuting Kentfield, but his first appearance in front of a crowd bigger than all his VFL appearances combined was as ruck understudy during Gawn's first break. He joined the rare club of players to lose their first boundary throw-in, leading to the other side kicking a belter of a snap, before being shown in the background of the replay with an "aww fuck" expression. No harm done (other than the goal, but can't hold that against him), and he was ok for the rest of the day. Didn't get many touches but competed well, which helps the way we kick it inside 50 like the criminally insane.
We'd waited two years to debut our mid-season pick forward (via a litany of injuries and mishaps so long that commentators didn't have room on the 'fun' facts list for his broken face) but you can imagine what I was thinking when the 27-year-old podiatrist plucked from the VFL weeks ago kicked his first. I was expecting full Adrian McAdam-style debut heroics and him being chaired off in glory, never to get more than one in a game again, before fading into obscurity. He had his chances, especially with our well-documented trouble with being cut to ribbons after turnovers, but I'm pleased to announce the atomic bomb equivalent energy of the Monarch's Birthday Kingsley was warded off.
You couldn't help but notice all our goals were of the 'exciting' variety. Which is nice, but usually can't be sustained long enough to put up a winning score. Highlight of the set shot misses was Harry Sharp running around the man on the mark but not taking into account that there was an entire forward 50 stuffed with defenders, causing him to find traffic about 0.1 second later and have to rush the kick.
I can understand why they kept van Rooyen in the side over Jefferson, but it was less JVR and more Jesus Vucking chRist after his set shot at the end of the quarter. It came from a nice mark, which looked like putting us back in front at quarter time. Then he hit the wrong side of the ball with the snap and it went violently askew. After a high quality first quarter, this was the first sign that the rest of the game was going to be enthusiastically contested but often shambolic.
There was some redemption for JVR with a goal early in the second quarter, and appropriately it came from somebody else's goalkicking cock-up. Pickett (L) did a set shot that was, I think, an attempt to set the ball up to the top of the square that accidentally fell in a perfect spot where the defender could only bump it along with his foot, ultimately leading to a JVR snap. Which was nice, but any danger some bread-and-butter mark/kick goals? As we'll find out later, the odd ball-tearing long distance shot can come in handy, but playing the percentages will have better results in the long run. And now that he's lost his more experienced partner for (surely) the rest of the season, the heat is on him to take the lead alongside inexperienced second bananas like Jefferson or Kentfield.
There was good news for both the 97% of you who won't stop going on about Maynard and the 3% of us who are sick of hearing about him whenever this fixture is played. *Pop* went his shoulder while attempting a tackle in the first quarter (next time, consider a leaping smother), and off he went looking absolutely crocked. Because this is the AFL's top day for giving injured players another go, he came back after a painkiller that must have been one grade down from heroin to try again, get the inevitable boos, then wreck it a second time by either falling over/being tripped (delete as appropriate for your views) by Mr. PHHAF.
Pickett did get fined for this, and while the regular whingers from the other camp may want to reflect on previous comments about putting players back on after injury, I'm not sure how allegedly intentional tripping of any sort doesn't end in a suspension. Maybe the AFL just CBF with endless expensive tribunal challenges featuring biomechanics experts debating the difference between deliberate tripping and involuntary muscle spasms.
Kysaiah may have acquired an acronym so awkward I'm obliged to promise it won't become a running gag, but we regret to report that Latrelle's second quarter was one of the all-time shockers. The
player ratings can say he got whatever 1.2 represents - and if you're into it, that compares favourably with JVR's -3.2 in the opening term - but it was not good. Plenty have had worse quarters by virtue of not getting near the ball. This was a slapstick collection of blunders that reinforces my view that he has natural talent out the yin yang but still needs plenty of seasoning. After half a season in the AFL, it's a moderate pisstake if he doesn't have to work his way back through Casey. Bailey Laurie would've been watching on as the carry-over emergency thinking, "I'd get chased down the virtual street with pitchforks for playing a quarter like that".
All this was put into nearly tragic perspective by one of the closest calls for a player being crippled in the modern era. There was Mihocek, scrambling around trying to keep a shit kick from rolling out of bounds (thanks last touch rule), when dumped on his head in a tackle by an old premiership teammate. The combination of him lying there motionless, his opponent's genuine "oh shit" reaction, and the replay showing the angle his head hit the ground at, plus the even more cautious than usual medical reaction made it a scary scenario. The fact that he has a fractured neck but can still walk, and that's considered the good outcome shows just how bad it was.
I feel for the bloke who did the tackle, because he wasn't trying to drop Mihocek on his head, but the precedent for copping three weeks when you didn't mean to do anything malicious was set when Steven May got that many after concussing a Carlton player by running into him. No doubt it'll be overturned on appeal via a combination of Collingwood being able to afford better lawyers, and the league feeling the need to blow them at every opportunity for being famous. I don't care if Frampton gets off or not, just that May retrospectively gets his suspension overturned, like one of those people who helpfully gets exonerated on new evidence after they've already gone to the electric chair. Book your table next to Eddie and
enjoy the party atmosphere when the appeal gets up.
I've got NFI how players snap straight back to game mode after seeing something like this, but that's why they're highly trained professionals, and I'm not. Even after playing another 2.5 quarters, enjoying the thrill of victory, and belting out the song with gusto, he was still asking for updates in media interviews. I suppose they think no news is good news and just get on with it, but it's quite the shift in emotions. It's one thing when somebody's being carted off with a blown knee, but this seemed a step-up in severity and they all just get on with it, when any of them could be next. I find it admirable because I'd be completely put off under the same circumstances.
After all that, the game resumed with the guy who'd just inadvertently broken somebody's neck taking a free kick. Which was unusual. I assume there's nothing in the rules allowing players to decline a free for moral reasons, and I'm not saying he should've deliberately booted the ball OOF out of guilt, it's just an anomaly that you can stand around for eight minutes wondering if you've just accidentally paralysed a man, then go back and take your free, with a replacement player standing the mark in place of the guy who's just left the field on a medical cart. Not sure what was gained from the later footage of him being carted towards an ambulance except sensationalism.
I shouldn't think we'll see Brody back. Surely at that age, having reached the pinnacle of the game, you take nature's yellow card and throw in the towel. For all the "He could have DIED" hysteria, it's different to Petracca having his vital organs rearranged in the same fixture, this may have been millimetres from life in a wheelchair so I wouldn't begrudge him pulling the pin. If he wants to come back he's more than welcome, but if not would still be one of our more memorable 10 game imports - with apologies to the recently
headbutted Braydon Preuss.
And so, after several minutes of (at the time) unresolved medical drama, the game went on. I respectfully didn't start carrying on like a pork chop and acting like winning a footy game means anything compared to actual human problems until about five minutes later, when Kentfield got his first career goal. Enough of the human interest shots of a first gamer's nervous family in the crowd. One day somebody will miss five set shots on debut and each one will be preceded by vision of mum pretending she's so nervous she can't watch.
That was about all the positive content available until half time. It's a good thing the dissent rule has been abolished, because when the returning McSizzle cracked it about conceding a pissweak holding free late in the term, the shot missed. He didn't have a great comeback game, but with a dearth (!!) of key position players he should come in handy if we remain anywhere near contention for the real or fake finals. Assuming this is his last year, can we get one more late season game where he plays forward? Maybe in conjunction with Petty and Turner to see what might have been in an alternative (very specifically focused) universe.
We were right in this at the half, but been there/done that against Collingwood in recent years. We were getting no benefit from Gawn winning in the middle, except when he just grabbed the ball and hoofed it forward as far as possible, didn't look any more likely to kick a decent score than last week, and were vulnerable to the ball going from one end to the other at the speed of light, but in many ways still seemed the better team. Which means sod all if you finish with fewer points.
By the time we'd conceded the first two goals of the third quarter, it looked like a team overawed by the occasion and trying to keep playing at 500km/h even when there was nobody on the other end capable of taking advantage.
Just when it all looked like going tits up, we got a couple of goals in quick succession, causing one of the commentators to talk about playing "shootout football". Which is all very nice when you're scoring from it, but it felt more like we were going for a world record of how wide you can leave a door open (139 metres straight up,
apparently) while waiting to be toppled by either the podiatrist, or a guy called 'Buller' who was definitely only playing to set up snow gags.
Enter your friend and mine Harvey Langford for one of the most exciting steadiers you're likely to see, on the run, from a shite angle along the Olympic Stand boundary. I don't know about any of the other top 20 picks we've had recently (and Windsor... no need to start worrying, but there has to be more than the occasional NBA Jam turbo button run), but Langford is box office gold in the making. I look forward to seven or eight more enjoyable years before we end up paying for him to end his career with Tasmania or AFL team 20 favourites, the Bunbury Muppets.
That goal survived a three-quarter time break where I felt half like spewing. The idea of losing this game in a thriller again was giving me the shits in advance. I wasn't ready to throw in the emotional towel when Mr. Skiing Joke Facilitator marked in the square for the opener. There still had to be time for us to heroically fight back, get in front, then clam up and get run down. That the game ended with us first clamming, then winning via all-out top speed on a wet road style footy still has me baffled two days later.
In a response unlikely to be linked to my criticism last week, Fritsch then turned up for a couple and we were back in front. It made a change from the previous policy of kicking it above his head just enough that Jeremy Howe didn't need to leave his feet to take the intercept mark.
And, with no concern for the blood pressure of easily worried people, we responded to hitting the lead by being plundered at the next centre bounce and almost giving it straight back. This is around when I started making the noises of anguish that made the other half think Collingwood had won. It was also the time the five year old came to join in the fun, and suggested it would be more fun if she cheered for the Dees to win and I went for the other team. Suggestion noted and declined.
This is where an already offbeat game got really silly. I'm happy to provide attractive viewing for neutrals again after years of torment, but only when we win. First they kicked the goal to retake the lead, then the otherwise beloved Turner was caught HTB for what should have extended the margin beyond a goal. That missed, in a way that would have expected score fanatics weeping, and the insanity went on.
We were having so much trouble crafting well-constructed, traditional goals that it was as likely for us to win via kicking several points in a row as from a set shot in the square. A team cannot live on Goal of the Year contenders alone, but with seven minutes left in a thriller, in front of 88,000 people, if easy shots aren't available something like this will do nicely:
Somehow this didn't get nominated for Goal of the Year, but the Daicos one from the first quarter did. That was a fine goal, and may he win the overall award so he gets something on Brownlow night for once, but they obviously don't have a context multiplier like our Davey Medal.
Cross isn't a four quarter player yet, but I appreciate how comfortable he looks at senior level for somebody plucked from VFL obscurity just before the season started. Once you get past the alleged can't miss prospects at the top of the draft, it says a lot for targeting players with senior experience at lower levels who feel like they've got something to prove.
Also, Paddy, if I can speak to you directly through this medium - for god's sake don't get roped into changing jumper numbers at the end of the year. You're within 25 of the very gettable goals record for
#41, don't be talked into taking 18 when Melksham retires. We may never see another player in the 50s post-Ben Brown, somebody has to make the 40s fashionable. It worked for Kouta, it got Dean Terlich an
all-time MFC record, you could be next.
Considering what happened last year, and after the false alarm of hitting the front against Footscray before losing, this is the point where men in white coats needed to turn up and sedate me. As much as I try to downplay our shabby attempts at maintaining a rivalry with the Pies when they don't care, this result still meant more to me than your usual thriller. One, because a high percentage of opposition fans live to be outraged and I wanted to give them something to be upset about, and secondly the idea of falling on our face again, in a blockbuster standalone game, with all eyes on us DID NOT APPEAL IN THE SLIGHTEST. If the added stress of having to finish in the top half of the competition to play finals still existed it may have put me away.
Even though there was plenty of time to fluff a 6+ lead, I still had a moment of "everything might just be ok" calm when Pickett marked well within range, only for him to do a casual wrong-foot snap that landed in the square, and was sent immediately down the other end for a set shot. It's not the first time he's tried this move unsuccessfully (see also St Kilda in Alice Springs 2025), and while I appreciate there are uncoachable elements to his game, somebody feel free to have a chat about removing this from the playbook. He'd have done better to play on, run towards the boundary, and try to kick Goal of the Century on the run.
For all the joy of this result, my god it's lucky that De Goey missed the shot at the other end. Maybe we'd still have won, and in even more memorable circumstances, but at the time it looked like a massive cock-up. Fortunately, this was the 1-in-10 that JDG would miss that shot, and we remained in front.
In a game where we played like the brake pedal was broken, I'd like to recognise an ice cold defensive 50 exit by Tholstrup around this time which could have easily ended in tragedy. There was still too much time to piss around with it and run the clock down, and if we'd lost from there, entire sections of this post would be unprintable in Queensland.
So when the better Daicos was wandering around the wing, ready to thump the ball inside 50 for the almost certain scandalous free and winning goal, the dinner I'd foolishly eaten while standing up yelling at the TV earlier in the first quarter was liable to reappear. Enter Langford with a massive tackle to take all that off the table. He was aided by Daicos dithering for a second too long, but the execution of it was a pleasing visual spectacle.
Then - thanks mainly to a strong contest from unsung hero Petty - Pickett got another chance to seal it, this time on the run, but kicked it OOF and for god's sake could we not just win this bloody game when it was there to be taken?
Yes, as it turns out. Not without a bit more luck. With the free kick going right down the middle, Turner just got to De Goey in time to prevent a mark, and the ball ended up with tongue-out Langdon landing the crucial pass on Pickett.
If he'd taken his allotted time and missed (presumably, making the distance this time), Collingwood would've had about six seconds to go from end-to-end, and I don't think even we could facilitate that. But Pickett would not be Pickett without doing some weird, out-of-the-box stuff that makes no sense. Instead of milking the clock, he took off and kicked a snap on the run. I was up to about "what the f..." before realising it was going through and embracing the madness.
You can imagine the chaos if it missed, and all the teammates who relaxed, expecting him to burn 30 seconds, were caught out as the Pies went straight down the middle of the ground to find somebody you've never heard of standing on his own 20 metres out, directly in front. But in a moment of Pickettish Pickettry, this one sailed through without drama, setting off an evacuation tone audible only to Collingwood fans, who began to stampede for the exits.
The danger of keeping it within a goal was shown by the ball already being back inside their 50 by the final siren. Too late. The early abandoners correctly identified that there was no reason to hang around. Other than, say, having the dignity to accept that we're going to win this fixture once every five years.
All these years after some poor bastard risked Pies fans throwing acid in his face for not giving votes to Mason Cox over Clayton Oliver (and, to be fair, the future premiership teammate of Oscar McDonald and Corey Wagner deserved them), the Daniher Award has been altered from the usual panel-voted BOG to a combination from the coaches based on values. As the last one was 'play on', it was obvious they weren't going to give it to Jake Lever for his best defensive performance in years. I didn't think Pickett was our best player, but it was no surprise to see him win. Given that he also got 10 coaches' votes, a) what do I know?, and b) maybe they just wanted to do one set of votes and move on?
'Feels like' scores were discredited by this game, but I can confirm it in no way feels like we should be fifth on the ladder. Not arguing it though. If you're tracking our cover version of 1998, a narrow win aided by the Pies missing a late set shot is right on brand.
I'm not going to say "give us more of the same", because it almost killed me, but at times like this we remember Ronald Dale Barassi's famous quote "a win, is a win, is a win".
2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Harvey Langford
4 - Jake Lever
3 - Kysaiah Pickett
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Max Gawn
Apologies to Chandler, Fritsch, Howes, Langdon, Steele, Tholstrup, Turner etc...
Leaderboard
It's well and truly on at the top, with Gawn's thumping early season lead now reduced to one straight BOG. Still nothing in the Rising Star, but Lever has kept the flames flickering for an interesting Seecamp finish.
33 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
28 - Kysaiah Pickett
19 - Jack Steele
17 - Tom Sparrow
15 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
12 - Harvey Langford
10 - Ed Langdon
9 - Jake Bowey
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
6 - Harrison Petty, Caleb Windsor
5 - Jake Lever
4 - Brody Mihocek, Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley
Next week
If we'd done the sensible thing and beaten Essendon last time, you'd say manage Gawn and anyone else with the slightest twinge off a five day break. But we're playing to avoid the most shambolic double since Carlton 2006, so first choice squad only thanks. Even though Casey played in the second half as if their drinks had been spiked, I'll have Heath to give Max a rest, Melksham for a do-over on his injury-affected 250th game, and Fitzgerald to test whether the 'player lifts for games against odd club' counts when you've only been in their VFL side.
Surely to god we can't lose to this apocalyptic James Hird-focused cult twice in one season. I'm not ruling anything out, because you-know-what is just the sort of thing we'd do, but come on, you can't follow a win like this with a slopfest. Let's just assume the Adelaide Oval was to blame last time, and that a Sensible Saturday will see us prevail.
IN: Fitzgerald, Heath, Melksham
OUT: Mihocek (inj), McDonald, L. Pickett (omit)
LUCKY: Kentfield, van Rooyen
UNLUCKY: Nil
Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Not only am I shafting Pickett out of the five votes, but his clubhouse lead for the in-house GOTY is also gone. For context, execution, and exceeding expectations, Cross on the run, under pressure in the last quarter was the best thing I've seen this season. May he do many more of these, but good luck finding too many bigger stages to do it on (reverse mozz applied in attempt to get one in a final thriller).
Massive apologies to Langford, and lesser apologies to the Petty snap, one of the Fritsch ones, and either the first or last by Pickett.
Final thoughts
This is usually the time of year for launching the Bradbury Plan, but it's too complicated with this bloody wildcard round in the mix. I can't bring myself to accept any scenarios where finishing 10th is something to aspire to.
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