Get in. Get points. Get away

In 1975, a bewildered German visitor to England responded to the moose-based shenanigans of a concussed hotel owner by asking, "How ever did they win?" At half time on Saturday, I was equally baffled by an earlier result. Essendon players looked like they just wanted to get the day done before it started pissing down, making their previous romp over us seem like the hallucination of an enthusiastic methamphetamine consumer. 

The fun continued for a minute in the third quarter when they looked like a team begging to be put out of their misery, before the Bombers realised no killer blow was coming and decided to make it interesting. In went the next three goals, and as they lined up for another to bring the margin well within bowel-clenching range, I was haunted by the ghosts of recent fiascos.  

Now that you know the shot missed, and the three goal burst was half of what they kicked for the whole game, things don't seem so bad. In fact, I'm quite satisfied. We survived a five day break, with two debutants - one who took the Disco Turner first game route and departed midway with a head injury - and exceeded the expectation of nervous people (e.g. me) by avoiding two massive cock-ups against the same horrible side in one season. You wouldn't watch a replay, and the second half tapes should be subject to strafing with napalm, but it was exactly what we needed, so no complaints here. Not after it was over anyway.

At the time, my silent, not-so-under-the-breath fuming was gloriously taking place in the happiest place on earth, Row MM of the Ponsford Stand. In a rare event for a Melbourne home game, the tightarses at the MCC offered fans the full seating range, obviously overestimating how many Essendon fans would turn up in the hope of pulling off a comedy double against us. The answer was 'not many', and I don't blame them after seeing this. I know they've got a bigger casualty list than World War I, but other than their five minutes of glory after half time it was about as inspiring as being visited by an Argentinian death squad. No wonder so many of them have developed the ultimate messiah complex and are busy trying to bottle James Hird's emissions so he can be cloned from the DNA and come back to coach them a ninth time in 2076.

Ignoring the part of the season where we ran up the white flag and gave Brad Scott his last win as an AFL coach, this may not have been the most inspiring win you've ever seen, but thank your lucky stars that we've pulled back from the predicted descent into misery and unexpectedly been handed a fun season. I won't say 'anything' could happen from here, because come on, let's be serious, but we could be the ones trudging to our near-inevitable death in every game. Maybe one day in the future that will be the case again, but we've still had more joy this season than the Bombers' last several combined - and without the weird cultish behaviour.

I never thought we were taking this game lightly, certainly not after last time, but if you had to predict which of the sides was going to pick two mid-season draftees 18 days after being plucked from state league obscurity, most would've selected the side that's lost about 96% of its recent games. I know teams have played mid-season picks quicker, and maybe in a set like this, but not usually those with half-serious claims to a top six finish. After toiling for two years for zero games in often putrid sides, I wonder how the original Lucas Cook took to seeing his near namesake Lukas Cooke rolling in from the SANFL, having a couple of warmup games with Casey, then making his league debut. Shame we didn't go further down the name rescue path and have a crack at the Thomas Scully also on offer at the draft.

While attempting to remain as positive as I'm genetically capable of being, I wondered if Dean Solomon would take to the Former Gold Coast Caretaker Coach Derby by citing the double debut - and second gamer Kentfield - in an old-fashioned "You're being disrespected" rev-up. Instead, we got live footage of Simon Madden giving an impassioned plea to the troops, which I thought was a bloody weird thing to broadcast on the screen at our home game, having not realised it was a Neale Daniher tribute thing. It all made more sense when Aaron Davey was shown doing one for our players, especially as he tied it back to the theme more, instead of just doing Generic Inspirational Speech #23.

Speaking of tributes, the pre-match "scan the QR code to vote for your favourite Daniher moment" sat right on the edge of tacky, saved only by them resisting the temptation to whack a sponsor logo on the screen. Of the options provided, his rampant, risky, running down the stairs celebration after rumbling Footscray in 2005 was always going to win. 

I'd like to nominate the time he did a press conference inside a Swedish sauna at Waverley Park. It was the same week Jeff Farmer kicked Goal of the Year (Woewodin against Port was better), and Travis Johnstone said he was pretty excited, so very much a golden era for me.

There was also a community singalong to Mr. Brightside, complete with lyrics about rooting displayed on the big screen. If that becomes a regular feature I'll launch a board challenge. Forget the Caulfield tunnel that will take one month or one year to build, these are the matters we need to be punching on over at board level.  

Other than the big VFL energy we also got from fielding past Casey stalwarts like Cross and Laurie, my other cause for concern was the threat of bucketing rain. Our best part of the previous meeting with Essendon came during the showers, but we were promised typhoon conditions here, and I'm not sure how that fits into the Steven King philosophy of fun and frivolity. We'll have to wait for an answer on that. The damage was done before it started raining, and it didn't start bucketing down until half an hour after the final siren. 

My suspicion that we'll be undone by water is based on absolutely nothing. It's not like we could be any less dangerous in forward 50 marking in a hailstorm, and repeat failures to land snaps between the middle posts during this game weren't representative of the season so far. Basically, I'm just looking for reasons why we won't win, because that makes for even more exciting viewing if (and increasingly, when) it happens. Like, say, Ben McKay being chucked forward because it wasn't really working at the other end, and lining up for his fifth goal in 116 games. 

I'd let Turner and Lever catch my child if the building was on fire, but they're pushing up so high that at one point Lever was a marking target 30 metres out from goal, so anyone has the chance to get on the end of a turnover. The non-Coleman winning McKay was polite enough to hit the post twice, ensuring Kingsley Klub selectors were able to have Saturday night off. He also forgot the last disposal rule existed, and gently tracked a ball over the line so we could get a free kick. Later, somebody with one goal in 41 games had a shot too. Those who enjoyed the random forward careers of Frawley, Rivers, Garland, and two weeks of Troy Davis, would recognise misery years desperation moves like these. It all becomes folklore and legend eventually, once you've stopped losing every week.

Here's some free advice to the Bombers on how to turn it all around. Just recruit a player who turns out to be the greatest ruckman of the modern era/possibly all eras. If we can pull that off, it can happen to anyone. The added bonus is that often that while all around him are faffing about ineffectively, Gawn will take control. Usually this comes in the form of grabbing the ball out of the ruck and hoofing it forward, but more than once this season, it has involved kicking the sort of snap he's got no right to at that size. He's quietly getting within range of his career best goalkicking season. Which is only 16, but the man can't be expected to do everything. If Lance Franklin is the greatest era-adjusted forward of all time, Max's 125 career goals should be adjusted x3 for playing in teams that couldn't create decent forward entries for shit.

That goal was enough to put Essendon back in their box for a while. Sadly, JVR didn't manage another boot-filling haul against the league's unfortunates like the five against West Coast, but he wasn't put off by the minute of applause for Daniher breaking out right in the middle of his set shot routine. I was all for the clapping, but not until the goal was safely tucked away. He did not have a good remainder of the game, to the disappointment of the people who yell "Rooooo" when the ball flies anywhere in his general direction. 

Assuming Mihocek isn't going to do a Kurt Angle and come back to win it all with a broken freaking neck, van Rooyen is going to be massively important if (and it's a gigantic if) we're going to do anything this year. He looks shot for confidence, but there's been no serious challenge to his position from Jefferson or Kentfield, so he'll just have to plough on. Is there an alternate universe where somehow Turner is freed up to play forward again? Probably not, given how well he's going in defence. After one early dropped mark that we'll put down to whirlwind debut nerves, Cooke was starting to give me unrealistic fantasies of freeing Disco up to go down the other end and create havoc - when he went off injured.   

Forget the margin in the cursed previous meeting - most of that came after the will to live disappeared in the last quarter - the biggest problem in that game was keeping them in the game long enough to provide hope. For the metric shitloads of positives this season, our attempts to close the door on shite teams have been ordinary. Like a repeat of West Coast, we had it open at the start, then almost jammed the bastard shut, and let it creak open again, before finally closing it with the sort of force used when trying not to wake a baby. Doors are opening and closing so quickly they could be used to harness electricity, but at this stage of our footballing lives, I'll take wins by any means necessary.

I'd never have believed it in 2024, but Harrison Petty continues to be our best forward. Not necessarily as a goalkicker, but for presence, effort, and contest. Goals help in the overall scheme though, and he got a cheap and cheerful one after being held in a marking contest. It ripped off van Rooyen, who marked the ball in a better position, but Petty converted, so no harm done. I'd like to say that with the other side indiscriminately massacring disposals, that there was no chance of losing but come on. Last time we seemed to have broken them, only to roll out the red carpet and invite them to a comeback.

Once Pickett - who appeared to be playing without an opponent - and Langdon got more goals, the sensible conclusion was that we were going to walk this in. Which is what happened, but not without a few minutes of drama later. For now, we were about to start leaving bulk chances on the table. Maybe if the first went in, Essendon would've kicked the next 30 goals in a row? Probably not. I feel like this was an occasion where it would've been one after another in quick succession. Our problem is when they don't go through, there's every chance of it coming back the other way at turbo speed. For example, a beautiful move through the middle being foiled by a last-ditch spoil, and the next thing you knew, the man listed on Brisbane's whiteboard as "low confidence" was getting the chance to make himself feel better with a goal. 

If we're not going to drop 10 megaton nuclear strikes on inferior sides, the next best option is the Ross Lyon-style pillow-to-the-face suffocation method. After two early goals, including Gawn kicking the cover of a set shot from distance, it was time to start missing close-range snaps galore, usually from the left forward pocket. I choose to take the coach's press conference view that the wind was "swirly". This didn't affect set shots as much, including Rivers doing his own long distance shot - aided, in this case, by three Essendon defenders crashing into each other in slapstick fashion like Larry, Curly, and Moe, to create the space for the ball to cross the line untouched. I'll take it. 

With a near seven goal margin at half time, I could overlook some of the Hollywood moments that crept in. For a bit, it looked like Pickett was going to have 50 possessions thanks to one-twos aided by the opposition not bothering to go within the same area code. Also, hooray for good sportsmanship and respect for legends - but there were people in Outer Mongolia who knew Gawn was coming into this game with a sore shoulder, so after we risked not picking a recognised backup, why wouldn't you put some effort - no matter how half-hearted - into bumping and harassing him? Considering we're the only team they've beaten in a year, Essendon took inspiration from Geelong's all-white jumpers and played under an all-white flag...

... except for those few minutes after half time when the prospect of a TOTAL SHAMBLES was back on the agenda. Fortunately, that was all the fight they had in them, but the score stayed within uncomfortable range for too long. No pressure on a first gamer, but after Cooke departed with busted cheekbone after a clack-clack-clack head knock with two Essendon players, I was on super high alert for McKay kicking eight and being chaired off. Speaking of first gamers, I enjoyed the coalface action provided by Fitzgerald, who had to settle for half the disposals he usually gets in the VFL but didn't look out of place. For those of us who suspect Jack Viney is never coming back, this may not be a straight swap - not until he suffers a raft of foot-related injuries - but it's another win for the mid-season draft.

Meanwhile, our forward line looked to have gone back into the witness protection program, and even when Sparrow dropped a kick right on the line, it took a zany sideways bounce and went through for a point instead. At this point, the game degenerated into a slopfest that would've had neutrals scanning for a Gibraltar/American Samoa World Cup game on the other channel. We were soon back on top in every element other than scoring goals, with surprise calming influence Petty required for a late mark/goal that pushed the gap out to 30 points at the last change - back from 'they could get a roll on here' and into slightly more comfortable 'surely not' territory.  

It was, indeed, 'not', but we still had to endure several minutes of botched attacks at the start of the last quarter before the Bombers finally realised they'd done enough to be avoid being mocked in an AFL360 video package with sad backing music, and let us run out the game in full junk time glory. The cue to pull up stumps was a nice Melksham crumb, after a 251st game that had been about as successful as the 250th where he was injured minutes in. He got a second to make the day look better on paper, but it wasn't exactly the vintage Milkshake display we got on his return earlier in the season.  

And, err, that was it. JVR missed a sitter of a set shot, Petty did a hammy, and Lever deservedly got plaudits for working his arse off to smother what would've been a non-consoling consolation goal. It wasn't pretty, but they beat us by 45, we beat them by 45, so it all balances out in the end. Their win was more 'fun', but only because they've got less to compare it to. 

I'd wish Essendon well in turning things around, but it would be a massive lie.

2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Kysaiah Pickett
3 - Ed Langdon 
2 - Daniel Turner
1 - Jack Steele

Apologies to Bowey, Howes, Lever, Petty, Sparrow and Tholstrup.

Leaderboard
With a minimum of nine games left, we are now at the point where anyone below Tholstrup is mathematically stuffed without a real/fake finals campaign. And let's be fair, the major award is only going one of two ways, regardless of how many extra games there are beyond the contractually obligated 23. Even the Seecamp is looking like a Turner walkover, so all the action is still in whether we'll get to crown a Rising Star. I'd have Cross as favourite, but you've also got Fitzgerald, Cooke, Heath, Kentfield, Pickett, and Taylor as eligible, so get amongst it lads. May only require one 'not as bad as everyone else' performance in a pox game to get your name on the honour roll. 

38 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
32 - Kysaiah Pickett
20 - Jack Steele
17 - Tom Sparrow, Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
13 - Ed Langdon
12 - Harvey Langford
9 - Jake Bowey
8 - Kade Chandler, Jacob van Rooyen
6 - Harrison Petty, Caleb Windsor
5 - Jake Lever
4 - Brody Mihocek, Koltyn Tholstrup
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley

Next week
If Collingwood got the bye this week, then obviously we wouldn't go more than one extra week, off a five day break, without one? Hah, no. In a competition where Hawthorn has two byes before our first, we're going for an interstate trip. Not much from this game suggests redeeming our 2026 Adelaide Oval experience by beating one of the sides that plays there for a living, but this whole season has been as if decided by dice (I'm sure there was one in the early 90s. Not this, but something more for the ruthlessly nerdy where it came with fixture lists you could fill in as you went) so god only knows what will happen. I suspect an Alice Springs-style reality check - without the accompanying actual cheque - but I'm open to anything crazy happening.

I was intending to be difficult and watch the Casey game instead of Australia at the World Cup, before patriotism got the better of me. When I attempted to watch the last quarter, the stream to my TV which usually works perfectly was buffering like Kayo under heavy sedation. All I know is, Jefferson kicked five before half time, but that I also want Heath as a backup for Gawn, and can't bring myself to turf Melksham after one flat performance, so he's lucky that Petty's mystery late hamstring injury opens the door for him. Not exactly the most fearsome forward line we've ever fielded.

IN: Heath, Jefferson, McDonald
OUT: Cooke, Petty (inj), Kentfield (omit)
LUCKY: Laurie, van Rooyen
UNLUCKY: Henderson, Turkey

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Take your choice of the 2x Gawn nominees. I'll have the snap, because somebody that big shouldn't be able to do such things. One day he'll be literally gawn and it will leave the sort of void in my supporting heart that older people have for Robbie Flower. But there are no favours for legend status here, so Max fails to dislodge Cross vs Collingwood as our season leader.

Final thoughts
There's an alternative universe where the board didn't make a hard decision last year and 2026 isn't nearly as enjoyable as it has been. Is all this going to be sustainable in the future? Buggered if I know, but I'd rather be coming from where we are now than 12 months ago.