Midway through the first quarter on Sunday we got the perfect moment to sum up our season. An Adelaide player leisurely rushed a behind under no pressure, and unlike a particular incident in 2021 the umpire had enough courage to pay deliberate against them at that end of the ground. So the point from the original rushed behind disappeared, then the free kick went across the face of goal and out on the full, leaving us with one less than if it hadn't been given at all.
Surprisingly, things got better from there. After delivering an on-brand 1.6 in the first quarter, we went relatively ballistic for a few minutes in the second, banged through five goals in a row and led by 25 points. I appreciated this outburst of interesting, league standard attacking football but didn't have the slightest faith in it lasting. Then we spent the next 10 minutes pinned in defence, trying to find a way out via dinky kicks and uncontested marks, only to find out that Adelaide had all the escape routes bolted shut.
Once they swizzed what we were up to it was effectively over. We hung around like an unflushable nugget well into the last quarter, but other than those few joyful moments it was all difficult slog and you could see Christian Petracca trying to remember about which folder he'd saved the draft "I'm not enjoying my football, I need a fresh start" press release in.
Like most of this year's losses, it wasn't bad enough for flashbacks to the war crimes of the Neeld era, but the best bits didn't stretch long enough to take us close to winning. We're a more average side than a 5-11 record suggests, but whether it's structural, coaching, lack of killer instinct, or something else, this may be the worst side I've seen at taking advantage of opportunities. It's been the same story all season, the door was wide open and we walked into a wall.
I'd like to avoid thrashings for as long as possible, but these 40% performances don't offer hope for the future or a chance to blow your stack. Unless something really weird (good or bad) happens in the next few weeks, name a more tedious season. Scoring has pulled away from our modern rock bottoms of 2013-2015, but even if those years were practically unwatchable there was the comfort that surely it couldn't get any worse/surely it was getting better. Now I've come to terms with the fact that we're going to die but can't bring myself to ring Exit International and get it over with. Instead we can slide sadly to doom over the next couple of years, then miss out on a shitload of draft picks when/if Tasmania turn up.
So that's something to look forward to between now and 2030. And if that doesn't float your boat, there's the AFL's latest "giz headlines" brainwave of some bullshit mid-season tournament which is supposed to make you feel better about your team being crap. You'd want to make sure that tournament structure is so loose that there can never be a dead rubber, because if you only get 13,000 for GWS in Round 18, games involving already eliminated sides (I'm assuming this rubbish would be a round robin, because otherwise what do you with the teams who get knocked out?) will struggle to draw four figures. I bet it's just the softener to make people think more positively about a Wildcard Round. Well done to the jurors in that bloody never-ending mushroom case for rushing to make a decision after realising this stupid idea should be starved of media attention.
On the Erin Patterson scale of delicious to deadly, this game was only rated about a 6 for 'excess consumption may have laxative effect'. Nobody seriously expected to win, and other than a few minutes of cheap thrills we never looked like it. I've seen this game so many times this year that it's hard to get upset. The comeback in the Brisbane game is such an outlier that it should be located somewhere near Hawaii, otherwise we've been ok for most of the year (fourth quarter against North, three of eight total quarters against Gold Coast aside) but only great for about an hour combined.
You'd get an idea of how this went by re-reading the Essendon, Geelong, or Port reviews, but there were a few unique moments in our first loss to Adelaide for four years. None of those started with the opposition swiping a crap handball in the middle of the ground and landing the ball with a key forward. This usually accurate goalkicker missed, so when we found Petracca at the other end I thought he might embrace the 'opposite day' spirit but alas no. He did help set up Rivers for our first goal with a big old fend, but the bigger assist came from Crows defenders who botched multiple exits from defence.
We should switch to an all-roost attacking method, because it was the only successful effort from seven scoring shots for the quarter. There's something to be said for almost reaching parity by the end of the game, unfortunately not something that comes with premiership points.
After recently being tormented by key forwards from the otherwise piss boring Port Adelaide at the same venue just a few weeks ago, I was on high alert for any or all of Walker/the other ones to have a field day at our expense. They all did a reasonable amount of damage, and the killer blow was struck from another angle, but we held up well against several attacks in the opening minutes. May was tremendous at the start, Turner pulled down 16 marks for the day, and while Lever looks a bit shot this season he's still an important part of the setup. Just slow the speed of the ball arriving down there to something less than 100km/h and he'll be fine.
By the time Lever was hobbling around with a sore ankle I thought it was time to call this season for him and bring McSizzle back, but this won't happen because just when we can't be accused of tanking for draft picks (first round ones anyway) the idea of resting players has been abolished. Good thing he played here because it gave Crows fans the chance to continue the worst past-player feud in the league. I'm all about long-term bitterness against people who have left in contentious circumstances, but once they've won a flag it looks a bit silly.
In this case, Lever has been with us for two cycles of up and down while Adelaide hasn't played another final but you've got two months to enjoy that moral highground because they're going up and we most certainly are not. Of the nine remaining teams who are any hope of winning this thing, my rankings are #1 GWS or Gold Coast so I don't have to hear about it, #3 Freo for Luke Jackson and not having to hear about it, #4 Adelaide for Alex Neal-Bullen and not having to hear about it, #5 Footscray for James Harmes and the rest can go piss up a rope.
This is about where the usual insanity began inside 50. Pickett took a mark, and I've got no issue with him playing on if that's what works but not via a horribly rushed snap that missed the lot. It was arguably worse than the one against St. Kilda because that may have fallen into the lap of a player in the square but at least it was accurate. And this time we didn't allow the other side to respond with a goal straight away. That happened after the next miss, after which they proceeded directly to the forward 50 for the day's first of several Rankine Wankin' moments.
We weren't doing anything particularly offensive, but the difference between the forward lines was shown by Melksham and Viney running into each other shortly before Adelaide found a key forward in acres of space. This was almost taken back immediately via one of our irregular centre clearance wins, only for Melksham to a lovely lead, have somebody kick to said lead, then spray the shot from right in front.
Surely neutrals don't watch us play, we're not consistently shambolic and slapstick enough to be ironic viewing. Even the deliberate/OOF incident was a brief, disastrous moment that only we'll remember for years to come. It's also the second time in his short career that Matthew Jefferson has had a free in the right forward pocket and missed everything, which is odd. He doesn't appear to be anywhere near it at the moment and has the physical presence of Cale Morton on hunger strike but there's something there when he gets the ball anywhere other than the pocket. I've noticed he seems to visibly crack the shits with himself whenever anything goes wrong. You'd like to think they're supporting him so he doesn't go into a confidence spiral but this is the same operation that's dropped van Rooyen three times in one year so I don't trust their record on welfare for young forwards.
Jefferson's performances may not justify a game at the moment, but we're down to playing for self-respect and annoying Essendon, so unless you've got something else new to try what's the point booting him out? And don't say Kentfield, whose consecutive half-decent games in the VFL weren't as good as Fullarton's before he did nowt in a pair of wins.
Tholstrup is in the same boat where we probably should play him even if he hasn't been great, but the bad news for him is more people can play replace him. He's messy, but you can't fault the enthusiasm so hopefully after a pre-season he can get some consistency next year. Alternatively, become the new Bailey Laurie and plug away in the VFL all year for no reward.
It's one thing when a fifth gamer looks miserable, but when Petracca took a mark right at the end of the quarter the look on his face before he kicked it suggested he already knew it was going to miss. To be fair that's how we think about all his set shots and nobody seriously holds it against him, but it was another example of why I think he's about to reach for C:\Statements\Fresh Start.doc. Pickett is staying, and I really don't care if Oliver goes now (as long as it doesn't involve something silly like trading a good draft pick just to get his salary off the books), but Petracca is the canary in the coalmine as far I'm concerned. If he stays I'll have hope, however misplaced, that we might rebuild on the run and get out of this. If he goes then you know the arse if about to drop out of the joint.
Obviously Adelaide saw our players battling mental torment and decided to do their bit for the less stable, because they facilitated a seven point play for Pickett with another horrid kick out of defence, then did more self-harm by giving JVR a 50. The last time he converted a difficult set shot at this ground he ended up back in the VFL, but this was his best performance of the year. That's not saying much, but as a tribute to the absent Petty he looked very good up the ground and just needed somebody else to kick towards who could contest in the air. In this case the only option was Melksham, who did the best he could under the circumstances. It may have come to your attention sometime during the fourth quarter that Fritsch was also playing.
Adelaide generally spent the first 10 minutes of the quarter standing around with you know what in you know where as we racked up a four goal lead but I didn't trust it for a second. Fox had the all-sensible commentary lineup of Hudson and Hill but their credibility went out the window by waffling on about how we always win with 100+ uncontested marks. Any examples from before mid-2024 don't count because this is effectively a different side.
The peak of party time was when Pickett pulled down a screamer close to goal and thought for a second about quickly snapping again before sanity prevailed and he went back to calmly kick the set shot. This prompted Adelaide's bench to hold up a sign of a boxing glove, which translated to 'stop letting them kick it between themselves like a training drill you clowns' because right after that they planted a human wall in the middle of the ground and locked the ball at their end of the ground for the rest of the quarter. Good times over, resume sadness, toil, and struggle.
Their first score in half a quarter was a goal, then Rankin got a second as it started to become clear that McVee was on deep shit playing against him. For want of any other options we left him to wither and die there while Rankin kicked five. You'd think he'd show more gratitude to the team that just blew contract prices for top small forwards who can play in the midfield through the roof.
Our sudden inability to get the ball over half way wasn't helped by Gawn hobbling off with some sort of leg complaint. This season is toast, the only reason to play him next week is to try and extract some revenge in the Heavyweight Title rematch against Tristan Xerri. Otherwise, 'manage' the poor bastard instead of running him into the ground for nothing. I've said it before, but things are getting more urgent now - they're about as (allegedly) negligent as the 2024 Petracca debacle if he's being played every week to make sure of a spot in the All-Australian team. He'll be in the squad, but if he reaches the final round half dead after playing every game for the season but isn't in the final team then they've botched this.
Even if he does get another All-Australian, are we that starved for individual honours? He's already a legend, maybe on the way to the AFL Hall of Fame. I'd rather not wreck somebody who has had double knee injuries and various other issues over the years. Surely he's already played more games than any other 209cm player in history, and there's probably a good reason why so few talls have reached 300. He's got 60 to go and won't be boosting that with finals, can we not drive him into the ground prematurely? Also, a mental break might be nice. Give Viney or [god knows who our next in line is now] the turd-filled flaming paper bag for a week and refresh for the big job of saving us from disarray at the end of the year.
The locals got some revenge on Lever when he did a wildly overpowered handball that allowed the Crows to walk into a goal. A centre clearance would've be nice about now, but nobody at ground level could get near it and they weren't falling for the classic Gawn pluck 'n kick so we were basically stuffed. By the time Rankin had five it's lucky Dwayne Russell wasn't present because his exploding strides would've torn a hole in the Fox Footy studio roof.
It was still relatively close, but the famous 'Feels Like' margin was very much against us. Melksham continued his one man crusade to keep the forward line respectable, only to stand there and watch Neal-Bullen easily burn past Petracca in the middle of the ground. Set your time machine for 2018, tell somebody this was going to happen and they'll report you to the authorities. The bit they would believe is us battling to kick a goal then handing it back as soon as possible.
Say what you like about Lever 2025 but we did concede a mark and goal about 20 seconds after he went off. Maybe it was just the lack of a player rather than a specific player, but after writing Melksham off several times only for him to be holding our forward line together while on the verge of all his soft tissue exploding I'll wait for more evidence next year before trying to flog him to Richmond.
We got to the last change within the same range as where the Brisbane game was won from. Only with the players going through several more weeks of disappointment. We had to survive having another goal cancelled out at record speed, saved only by a last minute review showing the ball hitting the post. Considering "they review everything", it's suspect that this usually only happens after enough time for Channel 7 to get an ad in.
It got a bit interesting when Melksham turned up again for a goal from the boundary line. Since spraying shots left, right and centre in the first quarter we'd been surprisingly good on set shots since so you can pretty much guarantee a total of 6.31 next week. We were back to not being able to get through the middle of the ground, but Adelaide kept it sporting by not violently putting us away. After the first goal we managed to hold out for all of 30 seconds before giving away a mark inside 50. There was more Hollywood stupidity from the Crows with a failed pass, but soon enough it was back with the same player right in front and he got his goal in the end.
There was a bit of progress after our next goal, getting the ball inside 50 before it was swept down the other end for a shot. They failed to make the distance, but all it took was one mark on the exit and Adelaide players were able to work the ball around the 50 like a basketball drill before landing right on the top of a player who'd found a mismatch in front of goal. That's the sort of uncontested marking commentators should froth over, not the ones that come from back and forth, stat padding sideways kicks at half back that end up going nowhere.
The game was effectively over when we let a player goal from the square mid-tackle despite McVee wrapping himself around the post to try and touch it. And maybe he did. The goal umpire thought so, but the reviewer refused to believe him even though they may not have been looking at the moment the ball was actually touched. I couldn't muster up any outrage. Pulling back a 21 point lead in 10 minutes is not impossible but sure felt unlikely. If Pickett landed one from a Viney handoff it would be in "you never know" territory but we'd likely have just given it straight back anyway.
Pickett nearly brought the margin under two goals with three minuets left, but a defender who didn't even claim to touch it was given the benefit of the double by a review operator who worked so quickly that he must have had a legover lined up for 6pm AEST and didn't have time to waste. And that was it, not close enough to be upset, not far enough away to crack the shits.
This season has been draining but deep down I still love watching Melbourne, not matter how drainingly boring they are. This game was always going to end in some degree of shambles but I still spent the whole weekend secretly counting down to 3.20pm Sunday to see what would happen and even though the result turned out as expected I'll still be thinking 'mons until we next turn up to bring the game into disrepute.
Next week
You've played the best, now play the rest. North on Sunday kicks off a month of testing ourselves against sides returning from years of misery, going headfirst towards years of misery (see you there), or just hanging around in the middle of the ladder like a bad smell. Better beat some of North, Carlton, St. Kilda, and West Coast, because the last three weeks of the season might involve vigorous rooting by premiership contenders.
In a tremendous piece of scheduling, our VFL game against a standalone side largely overlapped the senior match. No idea why it couldn't be played earlier and treated as a virtual curtain raiser, did Coburg catch public transport to Cranbourne? If so, it didn't do them any harm because they beat a wasteful (no, really?) Casey to take their spot in the top 10 (*spit*). I'd love to go ballistic on changes to the senior side but there doesn't appear to be much in the tank. Not a great sign when the top possession getter is the backupiest ruckman of all time, unless we think about giving Gawn a week off from being run into the ground.
Assuming we don't rest anyone (and why would you, it happens so rarely) I'd go for the mega bombshell and drop Oliver because he's adding nothing at the moment. Laurie isn't a replacement but give the poor bastard a full game at least once this year and hope for the best. Petty and Howes are (presumably) back from suspension, and I suppose they're going to be picked but you'd want to be cautious about Petty after two head knocks in one season. Charlie Spargo is back from injury so no doubt they'll pick him in the face of the evidence that he adds bugger all, but I'm not having it. On stats alone Windsor didn't do much in the VFL but you may as well play him where he's intended to go in the future.
Now that van Rooyen has had a confidence boosting game, unless we react like the last one and drop him, I wouldn't mind one last go at seeing if my theory of McDonald offering him protection as a forward has any legs. But this won't happen, because while we're carrying a bunch of other carcasses to the end of the season the only person other than Gawn who was there in our absolute lowest years and went on to play a role in a flag has been chucked on the scrapheap.
Given our half-decent performances against much better teams in recent weeks, we're a good chance of beating North on paper. In reality, I predict another pisspoor shambles where you end up feeling cheated at ever thinking you might get some enjoyment out of the game.
IN: Howes, Laurie, Windsor
OUT: Oliver, Sharp (omit), Tholstrup (to sub)
LUCKY: Fritsch, Jefferson, Langdon
UNLUCKY: Campbell, McDonald
2025 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jake Melksham
4 - Steven May
3 - Daniel Turner
2 - Kysaiah Pickett
1 - Trent Rivers
Apologies to Bowey, Gawn and Viney.
Leaderboard
The lead at the top is cut to less than four BOGs, which might make for an exciting finish if we had more than seven games left. Like our finals chances (now rated as .01) he remains a mathematical chance. For anyone below 11 votes, you have now been eliminated. I can confirm that Gawn will win the Stynes, because there's no chance anyone within 35 votes of him is going to average 10 hitouts a game and qualify. No change in the minors, where Turner and May still have out some hope of Seecamp glory, while Langford is holding out in the Stynes because nobody eligible is going to close to scoring votes.
46 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
29 - Kysaiah Pickett
20 - Jake Bowey (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Jake Melksham
17 - Christian Petracca
15 - Daniel Turner
14 - Clayton Oliver
13 - Steven May
--- Abandon all hope ye beyond here ---
10 - Harvey Langford (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
9 - Kade Chandler, Ed Langdon
8 - Tom McDonald
7 - Xavier Lindsay, Jack Viney
4 - Tom Sparrow
3 - Christian Salem
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Jake Lever, Harrison Petty, Trent Rivers
1 - Harry Sharp
Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Melksham from the boundary line as part of our continued encouragement to kick accurate set shots. Pickett still leads overall.
Sat down to watch the '64 Grand Final at last, and got approximately 11 seconds in before being dragged off to do something else. Never got back to it. Stay tuned for more excuses in the next few weeks.
Final thoughts
Now our only multiple game winning streaks are against West Coast, Fitzroy, and University.
