Send in the clowns

Sorry if you're here for table-tipping outrage, but the events of Sunday afternoon went so far beyond what we understand as bad football that they achieved a level of performance art that may never be beaten. During the final act, I sat there thinking that no other team could so perfectly blunder into a disaster of this magnitude, and the record books agree. We're now two time title holders for the greatest three quarter time choke in VFL/AFL history, and I'm blessed to have seen both live.

Given the 33.5 year gap between games, and the low percentage of Melbourne fans present on Sunday there can't be many of us who suffered the famous Round 6, 1992 capitulation and this latest indignity. I'm not weird enough to demand a personal apology from the club, but maybe we should get matching tattoos to recognise the shared achievement. [Note from the future - good news at last, the 1992 incident was actually only the second biggest behind something from 1947. So I've got that going for me].

Regular readers are well aware of how that Essendon game scarred me forever, but for the sake of one-off visitors who are just here for the Beef Stock - Chicken Stock - Laughing Stock atmosphere it involved us starting the last quarter 41 points in front, kicking the first goal, then losing by a point. I've never trusted a lead again, so 33.5 years later you'd think that incinerating a near eight goal advantage and facilitating one of the great fairytale finishes would end with a chair being kicked until deadly shards of plastic showered the jubiliant home crowd. Alas, it was so stupid that I could only sit there silently and have a bit of a laugh. Only an under the breath, ironic, "better this than a coronary" sort of laugh mind you.

As somebody who has previously thrown several tantrums at the end of footy games you'd like to think age and wisdom stopped me from going troppo here, but if it wasn't for the events of 25/09/2021 police negotiators would still be trying to talk me off the roof of Docklands Stadium. Maybe I'll wake up in the middle of a random night in the future, scream "you bastards!" and end up subject to the Mental Health Act, but in isolation it was one dud team humiliating another, and as long as we don't accidentally nuke the joint in reaction it means as little for next season as if we'd done the sensible thing and gone on to win.

Setting the record is the only thing I'm genuinely upset about. If we'd carked it from 40 points up there'd be a few days of hilarity at our expense before the result would fade into obscurity for most people. For example, we all know who holds the two biggest losses in league history, but who remembers third place? Now whenever the highlights are pulled out they'll have words like BIGGEST and GREATEST attached, and it will historically discredit us only slightly less than voting for the merger.

We're still going to be filth from next year onwards, this was just a bonus shower of piss for fans on the way down, but that shouldn't detract from the last quarter being some of the most horrifying viewing you'll ever see. St. Kilda came back from the dead at near-186 pace while our players stood around in confusion like hillbillies who think they've just seen a UFO. 

None of this should detract from the joy of Saints fans about pulling off the heist of the millennium, even if it might get a bit weird if the hero of the hour is playing for another team next year. If they boo him we should get two premiership points refunded. Ross Lyon has every right to be overjoyed too (especially now that he gives off the vibes of somebody who's just doing it for the lols), but he might be the one having a medical episode in the middle of the night when he realises what we've done in recent years. After coaching four Grand Finals and coming heartbreakingly close to winning twice he's had to watch us come out of nowhere, convert an unprecedented hour of power into flag, then go back to being boring and winning nowt. Now that he seems to have reached a zen mental state it's best not to dwell on it.

It's a little bit unfair to focus entirely on the bit of the game played with the same poise as people escaping a crashed plane, because blowing the biggest 3/4 time lead ever obviously means things were going quite well until then. It was hardly swashbuckling footy to convince you we're going to turn into the Harlem Globetrotters in 2026, but good enough to win an otherwise anonymous end of season game against a fellow struggler. 

When van Rooyen's kick on the siren missed and left us 46 points up, there was still something to say about our season not entirely disintegrating after the horror last quarter against North. It was effectively dead soon after (with that brief window of hope which ended the last time we went insane against the Saints), but the losses have been more boring than tragic, without any signs of getting more interesting in the future. As much as I've appreciated Gawn's brave attempts to hold the place together and Melksham's late-career revival, the only person under 30 who looks like offering serious entertainment value in the future is Pickett - and locking him up in this otherwise beige team is like forcing Mick Jagger to front the Wattle Park Primary School Recorder and Triangle Band.

There's Langford and Lindsay, plus McVee if he doesn't bolt, and Windsor/van Rooyen if they can avoid the Melbourning process setting in, but one of these teams had six players with under 20 games experience and one that folded like a house of cards had two so I'm assuming the worst and am open to being pleasantly surprised. 

I can't blame selection for what happened here (though if you want to make a case I'm open to it), but the changes were a clear philosophical choice about how we're approaching the end of this season. After last week, you'd think they'd finally concede defeat on 2025 and do something a little bit interesting. Instead, we made the least adventurous four changes for a meaningless game in recorded history. I bet you somebody on the coaching team did a one day course, came back thinking they were a guru, and decided we're going to play the season out regardless of the ladder. Let's wind that back a step and play out individual games first.

I'm not against the players who were picked, I just don't understand what we learned from rushing Sparrow back at the first opportunity, and returning Petty to the forward line when he's arguably had less good games per capita than last year. If we're allegedly trying to lure Joe Daniher out of retirement (and if he saw this game he'll send the 'no thanks' email three times just to make sure it's seen), they can't seriously be planning for him to play down there forever. And even if we're not activating Rent A Forward, they can't seriously be planning for him to play down there forever, so what about swapping him and Turner for a week to keep them warm at either end of the ground?

And I'm no Spargo fanatic, but I could just about understand the idea of getting games into him after barely playing for two years. Then they made him the sub, and his contribution amidst the fourth term mayhem was one effective disposal. Selection whinges were going to feature in this post even if we won, but please explain what we expected to learn from this? The only person who benefited from it was Caleb Windsor, who was subbed out early enough that he can plead not guilty to crimes against football.

The selectors have got things arse backwards this year. In Round 1, we picked bulk debutantes (including the guy who'd never even played a practice match for us, which I'll never stop complaining about), and are now carrying on like nothing happening late season games have some major bearing on our future. Last week Petracca played ill, proving nobody remembers carting a near catatonic Brent Moloney to Kardinia Park and subbing him out statless at half time while 120 points behind. I'm all for Petracca, even while patiently waiting for him to leg it, but would you not give the poor bastard a rest? Alternatively, he could self-report not feeling up to it instead of trying to break through the snot barrier. Alternatively, alternatively maybe he just had a light cough and I've fallen hook, line, and sinker for a media beatup.

If this result had to happen I'm glad to have seen it live, if only to avoid TV commentators punting home the miracle recovery like St Kilda was winning the America's Cup. You may remember bold claims about boycotting Docklands after their crowd management fiasco of Round 2, and I intended to hold firm on this pointless moral stance until realising that I hadn't been to nearly enough games this year, so it was worth betting that the attendance would be shit enough to make up for half the top level being shut.

As only 22,000 people turned up (which will look like the final of the 1950 World Cup in comparison to next week), there was just enough space for the socially averse, but general admission fans of St Kilda, North, and Footscray are mugs if they're not furious. Maybe it only happens against us, but what can you expect from a ground that is introducing self-checkout food so they can dodge paying as many staff as possible. In a week randomly chosen to celebrate 25 years (+19 rounds) of games at Docklands, it's a shame they've ruined the place again because there was a small window on either side of COVID when it was good for more reasons than just "is not Waverley". 

Appropriately, a venue owned by the AFL has embraced full corporate wank and a scoreboard message says "We require that all seats are occupied. Be prepared to move over to make sure middle seats are filled". Bullshit there's any such requirement, open more of your stadium and late arriving kents won't be disadvantaged.

Given the firepower of the two forward lines I thought there was a chance both sides combined would fall short of Jeremy Cameron's 11 goal haul on the same ground the previous night. We did our bit to keep it lively by winning the ball from the opening bounce, then fumbling it through hesitation, and setting up a Saints goal when Turner hung off the arm of his opponent like somebody trying to stop their friend from jumping off a cliff.  But from there until disaster struck we looked far more likely to kick a winning score. Fritsch got three goals in the first quarter alone, and looked back to his best before proceeding to obscurity until called upon to be jumped over for one of the decisive marks in the last minute.

The happiest non-St. Kilda related people after this game were the umpires, because our swift demise took the heat off their abysmal bounces. I don't know what more concrete-ish surface you're going to get than the one laid on a carpark roof but the ball was flinging off in every direction but straight up. On top of the multiple recalls there were also plenty where the ruckmen followed it near enough that they let play go on through social embarassment. 

An umpire randomly threw the ball in the air at one point before they went back to the traditional methods. It's a shame our ineptitude cost the game that one last bounce with eight seconds left that could've effectively killed the concept off in one go. I'll sell the bounce out in a heartbeat to save out of bounds, and if you had two teams lined up correctly with one chance to clear the ball and try to win the game, then lost half the available time because the ball shanked off at right angles there would be outrage. Mind you, these are the same people who just found Steven May guilty (twice) of not telepathically knowing how a ball would bounce so how can you trust them to ever make a positive change to the game again?

The umpires were likely also saved from St Kilda fans calling them unpleasant names over the fence, because the handful of people present were bleeding from every orifice about decisions by the end of the first quarter. I enjoyed Viney calling a stop to play and waiting for a free after a high tackle, but at least the free was there. Less so a 50 against the player improbably named 'Alixzander' (and if it's not spelt like that for cultural reasons the parents should be jailed) when he tried to pull up and not kill Lindsay but lightly bowled him over and was penalised. In the second quarter, Gawn did the biggest shove possible to eject somebody from a marking contest in front of their goal and got away with it. I wish it had been paid so the course of this game was altered and didn't lead us into doom.

After half a dozen career misses from all points of the compass this finally delivered Lindsay's inaugural career goal from point blank range and things were going pretty well. No chance I was going to take the lead seriously after we butchered similar against Adelaide, but as it's widely acknowledged (though you never really know) that we'd have beaten the Saints last time if not for the arsehole goalkicking you'd have thought a four goal quarter time margin was a solid platform to build on against a side whose only good forward is more brittle than Lasagna sheets. 

Indeed it was a solid platform, and I can't even complain that we didn't go on to build what would've been a match-winning lead in any other game since 1859, but the middle quarters were more of a slow-burn. This is not a side to really put the foot down, especially with a pair of key forwards who couldn't get near it. I don't know if they think they're doing the right thing but van Rooyen, but for god's sake find an actual forward with some size and natural acumen to play alongside him next year or trade the poor bastard, because the negilence in his development over the last two years has been spectacular even by our standards. 

JVR may not end up winning a Coleman Medal or kicking double figures in a game but there's a natural talent there that hasn't been served by doing double duty as a ruckman while playing as the focal point of a forward line alongside converted defenders. This might come across as hypocritical when I'm saying we should rotate the team more by the end of the year but I'll crack the shits if he gets dropped again. Whether he ends up with Petty, Turner, Jefferson, Kentfield or Darren Bennett alongside him, they should spend the next few weeks start trying to play to his advantage, and if he finds a Casey jumper in the locker on Thursday he should go swap it for a copy of the AFL's Grievance Procedure. 

For a few minutes of the second quarter it looked like we might finally have spotted vulnerable opposition and gone for the kill. As Viney went ballistic tackling anyone who came near him, Melksham got the first, then him with the zany first name flubbed a kick which allowed Chandler to snap a nice goal. The All New Selfless Bayley Fritsch (six goals in a Grand Final) opted to pass to Rivers (12 goals in his entire career) instead of having a shot, and while that didn't work Petracca soon put one through from distance, and only the late intervention of Zak Jones on the line stopped another. I was surprised he was still going last time we played them, and no less now.

It's easy to forget that we held them to a Melbourne-esque six goals in the first three quarters. Even without Lever or May, the other lot appeared so non-threatening that the rarely seen before (but get used to it for the next couple of weeks) backline of Turner, McSizzle, and Howes could get to know each other in a relaxed atmosphere. You knew it was getting desperate when they chucked Alexzander Ride of the Valkyries forward and of course we fell for this secret move and he got his first career goal. That was one of two in a row but we still led by 30 and come on let's all show a bit of positivity here, because what could possibly go wrong?

I've got a potentially unkind theory that Fritsch's last few weeks have coincided with finding out that other, better, clubs are interested in his services. If I had a legal advisor I'd check to make sure this isn't a defamatory implication before posting but oh well. In case it is true, he got to highlight his new sharing/caring attitude by handing off to Lindsay instead of kicking a fourth from right in front and that was one of the late second quarter goals accounted for. When Nasiah Wanganeen-Milera kicked his second there was a bit of "hey, that's the guy who necked us in Alice Springs", but Pickett soon replied in kind and things were actually going very nicely.

If we resigned from the league in shame after this result, the last goal we ever kicked was appropriately farcical. There was the defender casually standing around like he was waiting for a bus when Melksham half-bumped, half-tackled him and the ball fell to ground to the complete disinterest of the umpires. Even in a season where they're happy to stick their nose into each other's business from 40 metres away, nobody thought that this qualified as near enough is good enough for either holding the ball or incorrect disposal. Chandler didn't bother waiting and just punted it through anyway, but again maybe we'd have been better off if he hadn't. But for god's sake, if you can't think kicking a goal to make the margin 46 points late in the third quarter against a team with nothing to play will be a good thing then why bother ever being happy before the final siren again.

It didn't seem like an issue when van Rooyen missed a difficult set shot to send the margin over 50 points at the last change, but it was good enough for me to take the risk of posting this...

Just short of the Chris Sullivan Line but morally near enough

— Adam 1.0 (@Demonblog) July 27, 2025

... and ending up looking like an absolute cock. Again, for those of you who are just here for disaster tourist purposes, he kicked the goal in 1992 that made the margin 47 points and previously provided the mark which you could judge a game being safe at three quarter time. After years of faithful service this concept has now been retired, and wherever Chris is we thank him for the kind use of his name all these years. Technically it should be replaced by the Jake Melksham Line but when his goal didn't even come in the same quarter we disappeared off the face of the earth.

I'm not taking any blame, because curses and jinxes are not a thing. Unstable footy teams are very real though. Besides, I was right it morally was near enough considering NO TEAM IN HISTORY HAD EVER LOST FROM THIS POSITION. I don't know what a coach would say in a situation like this but chances are it was something about playing the game out, continuing to do the little things right, don't forget to give your teammate a nice rub on the grundle etc... I'm sure when he went to bed that night Simon Goodwin wondered if there was anything he could have said to avoid what happened next, but no coach should need to say "alright lads, let's not concede nine goals to nil in this quarter and spend the last minute looking like total wankers eh?"

I don't know whether you'd have got the best early warning of how this was going to go from watching live or on TV, and even a nervous wreck like me can't pretend I knew instantly what was going to happen, but you could say the signs were there early. Not signs that said "Watch out, we're going to cock this up", but the unnecessary Hollywood attempt to exit defensive 50 in the first minute raised an eyebrow. We were lucky not to give up another one right after when Salem casually swept a loose ball through for a rushed behind under no pressure. Instead they got a real goal when McVee failed to do a legal version of Salem's Franco Baresi impression and knock through a ball on the line, and I was starting to get a bit worried. Not yet Shitscared, but on the way because this is the point where you want to be rational but start to think "Shit, what if..."

We were struggling to cope with their sudden conversion to death or glory footy, but rarely has a team been able to keep it up for long enough to pull off anything like this. Usually they run out of gas, or it backfires once and creates the steadying goal which ends all resistance. The only comparable game I can think of this century was against Footscray in 2013, when we started the last quarter 39 in front, were 44 up midway through, then died in the arse and conceded seven unanswered goals that cut the margin under a goal. Then good old Jack Watts turned up in defence with the mark to save it after earlier kicking four goals. If you need a reminder that things can get worse, that was our first win against any Victorian team other than Essendon or Richmond for five years and 10 months.

Another option in these circumstances is to slow the charging side down long enough to blunder through to the final siren. Even after the first two goals my main thought was "we couldn't just go on and win a game comfortably could we?" and thinking about how any win was better than the alternative but it would take a bit of the sting out of it when the margin was back to 15 at the final siren. Instead it reached that midway through the quarter as we mentally headed for the fire exit. 

Any of our shots on goal might have killed it, and the nearest was Melksham's kick which dramatically clonked into the post. By now if we crossed halfway and didn't kick a goal (e.g. every time) it was an invitation for the Saints to rocket back the other way, where our backline was now fighting the biggest surprise defensive effort since the Tet Offensive.

The margin was back to a kick with four minutes left, keeping open the prospect of every result between us regaining control to win easily, and them finishing with two per minute and romping home. I'd nearly have preferred the second option to what did happen. There was a minute where it looked like we might get away with it, first a handy point made the margin six and (seemingly) removed the danger of losing by a point. It might have got to seven, which may still not have been enough the way things were going, when Petty somehow contrived to fumble around on the line and come out of it with no score. 

Until reviewing the always helpful FanFooty log I'd forgotten that Oliver also had a ping and kicked it OOF. Pardon my French but dead fucking set the same players would react more calmly if they were confronted with the Zombie apocalypse. There was another stoppage in our forward pocket when any score or wasted time might do it, but bugger me wouldn't you know it they escaped.

Even though all good sense and logic suggested they were only playing for a draw now ("not so fast" - Melbourne FC), Saints fans were going off their nut at this point. As you would. At least they'd stayed to see it, imagine how many cowards departed at three quarter time and missed one of the most exciting finishes their club will ever be involved in. Even after all the evil we'd seen in the quarter, we still only needed a little bit of luck to hold on and win. It had to take luck, because we'd shown ourselves completely incapable of finishing them off the traditional way.

Enter Wanganeen-Milera, who introduced some 2023 Semi Final flavour to this atrocity by pulling down a screamer over Fritsch, again left on his own in the dying seconds of a thriller while the actual backmen were MIA. I don't know why they're trying to pay some ruckman $2 million a year when the Armaguard truck should be doing circles around his house. In our first meeting he survived being clobbered by a large man to come back and be the most decisive player on the ground, now he's gone from nearly missing the game due to a sore eye to fixing us up again. Nice of them to give him the option to sit out if he didn't feel right, we'd probably have threatened to sue for breach of contract. 

Unfortunately NWM didn't realise we were every chance of doing something stupid in the aftermath or he might have rushed the kick to try and get it through with enough time for another play out of the middle. and rush the kick to try and keep time for another play out of the middle. Instead, he took enough time to make sure of it, and with eight seconds left the scores were tied.

Even if it was a draw we were already set to look like deadset buffoons for giving up a 46 point lead, but there was a final act of stupidity that took this into another stratosphere. Earlier in the game I thought some of St Kilda's bonkers self-harm moments balanced out our shitbox goalkicking last time, but the last act elevated our this to Shambles Hall of Fame Legend Status. Somehow after just conceding eight unanswered goals we ended up with one extra player in the forward line and gave away a 6-6-6 free kick. 

This led to a few seconds of confusion as the ball was returned to the middle, complete with radio commentators who briefly got my hopes up by saying it was Gawn's free, before they finally sorted it out and the ball was gently lobbed into his hands of Wanganeen-Milera, standing in acres of space, easily within range to kick the required point and win. Bravo, standing ovation, you have now achieved icon status.

Sometimes Kane Cornes tries too hard to be a pill, but I thought this claim was going to be a deep dive into the last two goals (though he might have added or subtracted a second so he didn't look like one of those desperately boring people who snicker over the number 69):

"This is the worst 69 seconds in the game's history."

- @kanecornes on Melbourne in the dying moments against the Saints

Watch First Up: https://t.co/lwBT4MAaLW pic.twitter.com/BVbYbCL0DM

— AFL.com.au (@AFLcomau) July 28, 2025

... but it turned out with all the carnage and chaos in the middle of the ground, that only covers the fateful last bounce, including Wanganeen-Milera pelting out of the middle in such enormous tracts of space that the screenshot barely does it justice while all our players think "well this bloke is just going to bomb it as long as possible isn't he?" Jack Viney realises too late but the ruckman gets such an easy kick that every St. Kilda ruckman in history down to Jason Blake on his first day in the country could hit the target. The potshot on Bowey "guarding nobody in the hole" is a bit harsh because that would have been a great place to stand if the ball had been hoofed long and he be subject to ridicule if the ball was instead punted to somebody 30 metres out where he was supposed to stand.. 

There wasn't enough time between free kick and kick to free player for any of the six forwards to get down the other end, and I'll let the six defenders off because they had other work to do, but god only knows what the midfielders were doing, which seems a fair metaphor for our season.

There was an outside chance he'd do a Steven Kernahan and kick OOF when any score would do, but the party atmosphere was such that he absolutely cannoned it through. This was historically appropriate for delivering the record comeback, but also because my (likely incomplete) records say nobody has ever kicked a point after the siren to beat us. This makes it seven VFL/AFL games and one in AFLW where we've been beaten by a goal after the siren versus one glorious time we did it where the ball landed in a construction site in front of an official attendance of nil. And I'd trade that kick and its aftermath for this win in a second.

It was hard to take what I'd just seen seriously. When we cocked up that Carlton final I sat in gloom for several minutes, then aimlessly drove around the suburbs for about three hours to gather my thoughts. This time I just walked out the ground, where it was appropriately pouring rain, and went home. As far as pure gameplay goes it's probably the most suicidal thriller we've lost since the 1987 Preliminary Final, but the context is so meaningless that I'm prepared to take up weapons to argue that Round 23, 2017 was worse. It didn't have the same violent ending, but all we needed to do for a first finals series in 10 years was beat a lowly Collingwood and were five goals down at quarter time after barely laying a tackle. Pound-for-pound that was a shitter result, but this is a close second and you'll never be allowed to forget it.

As about the only Melbourne fan with Simon Goodwin's welfare at heart, he should've listened to me and gracefully departed after the Gold Coast game when it became obvious that the only was is down. There's still no excuse for being total arseholes towards him, including the flange who went for a high risk/low reward gag about fixing him up in the carpark. This obviously seemed like a good idea at the time, only for the media to go "you beauty" and start reporting it like a serious, credible threat, presumably leading to a Sunday night spent throwing internet connected devices off a pier. This week I've already spoken to two (2) people who thought it was actually a photo of Goodwin's car, and I remind you that these people vote. 

Obviously there's no reason to be an over the top wanker about the coaching situation or get excessively personal towards anyone involved, but that doesn't mean you have to like the way things are going. In some ways it's good that we've been so boring this year that there haven't (yet) been horror defeats that the board would be wilfully negligent to ignore. This stain on our history is still better than losing by 160 points, but everyone watching knows where we're heading, so the best thing for everyone involved to start again. 

It doesn't matter how well we'd done for three quarters here, the out of control, freefall madness of the last quarter is the ultimate expression of how it's felt following this club for the last 12 months. You know it's going to fall apart at some point, so it's not even that surprising when it happens via once-in-a-lifetime methods. The board has less killer instinct than the players so whether you like it or not Goodwin isn't getting the sack, but the more headline results like this the less chance there is of him leaving with his held high. For god's sake man, retain some dignity and exit before it becomes really sad. Quoth Gareth Evans when Bob Hawke was about to get the arse,"pull out digger, the dogs are pissing on your swag". And we haven't even got to the AFL Dogs yet, currently operating with two shit hot key forwards who may kick 18 goals between them if we don't keep it together after this.

I've already put out an open invitation for Simon to come over and watch a replay of the Grand Final on my couch when this is all over, but if he needs some positive reinforcement today he should speak to my kid. I got home and tried to explain this all-time epic fiasco to my kid and she said: "So, they only lost by six points then?" Which is one way of looking at it.

2025 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jack Viney
4 - Max Gawn
3 - Christian Petracca
2 - Kade Chandler
1 - Trent Rivers

Apologies to Fritsch, Howes, McDonald, Pickett, and Turner.

Leaderboard
Four games to play thank god, and that means the result is all but sealed here. I'm glad Max didn't confirm victory here, because who'd want the stain of this finish attached to an otherwise joyous event. No change in the minors, where Bowy and Langford both remain vulnerable.

51 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
34 - Kysaiah Pickett
--- Abandon all hope ye beyond here ---
24 - Jake Melksham
20 - Jake Bowey (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Christian Petracca
16 - Clayton Oliver
15 - Daniel Turner
13 - Steven May
12 - Jack Viney
11 - Kade Chandler, Harvey Langford (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Tom McDonald
9 - Ed Langdon
8 - Bayley Fritsch, Christian Salem
7 - Xavier Lindsay
4 - Tom Sparrow
3 - Judd McVee, Trent Rivers
2 - Jake Lever, Harrison Petty
1 - Harry Sharp

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
I feel like awarding this to St. Kilda x9, but to be polite it's 1) the Melksham set shot from the boundary, 2) the inside out Pickett snap, and 3) Langford. None replace Pickett vs Port as the clubhouse leader.  

Next Week
It's a massive pisstake making us go straight back to Docklands after this, much less for a home game that would have already struggled to crack a five figure crowd. There's a chance this could challenge our own record low audience for the venue of 8974, but that I think West Coast will bring enough fans (especially now that they'll be expecting to catch us in freefall) to push it beyond the perfect storm of playing GWS, in the last round, at 1.10pm on Father's Day in 2015.

Not watching a second of the Casey game usually wouldn't stop me from suggesting some changes based off a combination of raw stats and the vibe, but you just know they're going to sit around and say "well, the first three quarters weren't bad, why would we make wholesale changes?" I bet they try to get through next week as safely as possible, then Laurie etc... get a crack in the last three games when all their senior teammates have lost interest and nobody's got a chance of impressing.

If you take the emotion of the fourth quarter out of this we should still win, but stuffed if I'll be making any more bold predictions for games at Docklands.

IN: What's
OUT: The
LUCKY: Bloody
UNLUCKY: Point?

Final thoughts
My first instinct was to finish this post with the old "Five hundred years from now who'll know the difference?", but sadly they will until somebody conjures up an even more shambolic final quarter capitulation.

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Yes there's a post coming. Unless I write 3/4 of it then give up.

Keep an eye on Twitter or Facebook for a link. Send any thoughts on the game via the usual channels and I'll incorporate/shamelessly steal them.

Donations of over two goals are tax deductible

It's been another big season of disappointment for Carlton, but things are finally looking up for them. After winning our last three meetings by a combined seven points, they've blown us away by eight here. I'm sure that will please the sort of nuffies who show up outside Princes Park to eyeball players when things are going wrong. Just don't mention how the other wins were in games that had major implications on the season, while this was just two average sides who can only beat North Melbourne 50% of the time fulfilling contractual obligations.

Despite this game being officially designated a slopfest before the first bounce, I'm more upset than the time they beat us in a sudden death final. That night ended in death by failure to take opportunities, but not without some good performances (including Joel Smith's best game as a forward right at the same time his urine test was setting off alarms at the lab) while Saturday night involved us conceding goals to such a wide variety of randoms that Jamie Shanahan would've fancied his chances of getting one. 

Meanwhile, after the muted highs of last week we went back to moving the ball with the grace and poise of a Little League team. Like most losses this season we avoided brutal defeat, but the clock must be ticking towards an opposition getting serious and using us for target practice. But not Carlton, who deserved to win but showed about as much to get excited about for the future as we did last week. Like us, they should be happy to get any sort of win at this stage of this season, but I'll eat Bruce Doull's headband if this thrilling rivalry isn't relocated to the bottom four within a couple of seasons.

Thanks to Pickett's one man operation inside 50, we were still a chance of winning late in the last quarter, but the final result didn't leave me with any sense of one that got away. With limited exceptions we're such a flat, tedious side that even losing thrillers no longer excites passion. I'm against messing around with the season to eliminate dead rubbers (ask a Richmond fan if they enjoyed thrashing West Coast), but it's hard to watch us ebb away slowly. This side is like your granny going from robust health to a nursing home in two years, and while old Ethel is hanging on for dear life you get the feeling there's sad singing and slow walking in the near future.

Maybe there'd be a bit more light at the end of the tunnel (refer to the title of this post) if Oliver wasn't robbed blind out of a potentially decisive free in the final minutes, but maybe start by not letting the VFL All Stars run riot for 3.5 quarters. This also requires suspending your disbelief that he wouldn't have punted the ball straight into Jacob Weitering's hands like most of our other inside 50s. We were jibbed on that decision but you've got more oomph left than me if you can muster up the appropriate level of anger. We're so boring as an organisation that Carlton fans had to punch on with each other to fill in the time.

After one week as a normal person it was back to watching at home, and having never watched a second of the 2023 Semi Final highlights because why would you, I had no idea how close the winning goal was to hitting the post from an open goalsquare. Talk about sliding doors moments, we'd have lost the Prelim just as badly as Carlton but what's his name would have been #1 seed in blooper videos until the end of time.

There were about 100 more grand clangers and cock-ups in this game but none that anyone will remember/care about other than Steven May going through an opponent like a freight train. It would have been piss funny if we'd snatched an undeserved win at the end, but the overall vibe of the evening was sadness. The only signs for either side were all some variety of "Danger, cliff ahead". Maybe all the previously unknown characters who had a field day against us will go on with it, but they'll never get a more welcoming opposition than this. If Voss doesn't send Goodwin a hamper to say thanks then he's got no manners.

Even after 12 losses I still can't bring myself to fill up the hump of hate. The only truly dreadful ones (though watch this space) were in rounds 2 and 3, and since then we've been the blandest losers in AFL history. I still think our coach should pull the pin before the ugly losses begin, but it's just cruel pinning the latest loss entirely on him. He did a token playing of some kids, and the players had plenty of opportunities to execute, we're just lacking zing, and even though the Blues have been disappointing this year we couldn't just wait them out like North.

The Sunshine + Rainbows faction will howl that we only lost by eight points and stop being so miserable, but you may as well try citing Expected Score to prove that if XYZ happened differently we'd be in the eight. Cobblers. Maybe we could squeak out another couple of wins (e.g. St. Kilda in Alice Springs), but the whole experience has been such a soulless struggle that I refuse to believe there's an alternative universe where our season is still alive. 

The official margin was eight, but the famous 'feels like' margin was about four goals, and as Carlton are only slightly less shite than us I don't know how you'd get anything from this match other than a full scale chub (or equivalent) for Kysaiah Pickett. I'd obviously have been cheerier if we'd come back to pinch it, but the joy of laughing at combustible opposition fans would just mask what I still expect to be a grim future.

Fair to say everyone in the media was secretly going for us, because while it wouldn't really matter if we lost by a sensible margin, they were guaranteed a spot of carnage if Carlton lost again. Unfortunately for them none of the sides which might take advantage of a diminished, lineup battered by months of disappointment were available. Instead, they took on the AFL's equivalent of the Make A Wish Foundation, and we bent over backwards to make them comfortable. Like Charlie Curnow arriving without a goal for a month, then kicking one inside the opening minute after finding our backline had more open space than the Mojave Desert. 

When Curnow also got their second I had visions of him kicking 14 in the greatest return to form ever seen, but to our credit we slowed him down from there until he was gifted the sealer. Unfortunately this came at the cost of a bunch of people who may as well have been called Mr. X having a jolly old time of it. For two hours on Saturday night there was more activity at Kingsley Manor than Heathrow Airport. 

For once we were efficient in converting inside 50s, mainly because there was only one. On a night of dropped marks, this one worked in our favour because Pickett got to have his shot on the run instead. Mind you, considering some of the mad shit he did later it might have been one of those games where he'd plonk them from anywhere. Our only problem was getting it to him, because he's not going to drag down pack marks and most of the kicks forward were being chopped off with the greatest of ease. We tried the Melksham/Harris Andrews scam on Weitering and it slammed the brakes on Milkshake's hot run of form. He couldn't beat him in the air, had no room for outmanoeuvring in one-on-one contests, and at one point van Rooyen cut across his lead in a way that made it look like they'd only just met.

Melk did get one after playing up front on contact against a different opponent as if he'd been bashed in the upper body with a cricket bat. Whatever's going on in the Carlton coaching box, they weren't silly enough to let that happen again, and while Melksham had a red-hot go all night he was never a serious factor again.

Things got better once we stopped looking like conceding every time the Blues crossed halfway. Pickett got a second after a beautiful kick from Windsor. He didn't do a lot more, but this was enough to make me genuinely hostile to the idea of playing him at the other end of the ground. It seemed like they tried to fill that role with Sharp, which was a noble attempt at doing something different in an otherwise pointless game but I can't see that catching on.

On the subject of things we can stop doing ASAP, enough of van Rooyen as second ruckman. It's not his fault we won't pick a second ruckman, but he spent the first quarter looking awkward around the ball and being flogged in ruck contests by Mark Internet. Just park the guy inside 50, kick it at him and let's judge what happens next.

Now that we'd gone beyond Carlton looking like they'd kick 27 goals from 30 forward entries, we were very much back in the game. So what more could you ask for than gifting a goal right at the end of the quarter after Chandler wandered somewhere in the vicinity of the theoretical protected zone. He wasn't having the slightest influence on the kicker, but that's the half-baked, randomly adjudicated rules for you. How about a 25 metre penalty for the administrative shit that nobody really understands? Keep the 50 for egregious crimes like poleaxing your opponent after the mark or threatening to eat the umpire's dog, but have a lesser penalty for any offence based on the umpire interpreting angles or distance. Greg Swan, if you're reading I am available to join the competition committee and will not be nearly as annoying to sit in a room with as Patrick Dangerfield.

We had a chance to wipe that unfortunate goal out in the final seconds, but as usual a long, hopeful kick landed 30 metres out directly with a key defender and no Melbourne player in the same area code. You never know when we'll rip 10 minutes of glory from our arse and kick a few goals on the bounce but it always comes as a surprise, because for the rest of the game we make it look unwatchably difficult. I promise anyone who can't watch Saturday footy now that it's off free to air that you missed nothing here. 

There were air fryer infomercials on other channels that were more entertaining than watching 22 of our players. Even Petracca and Oliver aren't really worth watching these days. I don't doubt either of their efforts but they've reached the limit of what can be done in this side, and I've come to terms with letting both go if that's what they want. But not at any price, we're hardly going to be attracting top free agents at the end of the season so I'd rather slap the golden handcuffs on them than be swindled into paying huge chunks of their salary to regain a love of life elsewhere.

I've always said if given the choice I'd take Petracca over Oliver (despite him trailing 4-2 in Jakovich Medal wins), but the highlights package for Clayton's 200th game was a great reminder of all the iconic stuff he's been involved in over the years. Obviously nothing's ever going to beat that goal in the Mad Minute, and subsequent appearance in the most iconic MFC photo of our lifetime (NB: not this one) but his sixth sense handballing and ability to duck and weave in traffic like The Matrix was ace. Now, like so much else post-2022 he's just diminished. I appreciate the regular coalface extraction, and he has played decent games this year but since whatever happened off-field a couple of years ago the star power is gone.

Petracca seems to have more to give, but I think his life force for doing it with us is fast disappearing. After that Sydney game when he was beaming and his mum was dropping the magic on national TV I thought we were close to the big "Fuck getting more followers on Instagram, I'm staying" speech but we're getting closer and closer to him slamming down the fresh start card. You'll know it's coming when stories that paint the club in a bad light for the King's Birthday 2024 fiasco conveniently start appearing in the media around Round 24.

We achieved peak tedium in the second quarter, and it was an almost entirely forgettable quarter other than somebody called Moir putting Moir pressure on the already jam-packed Kingsley kueue by equalling his previous career goalkicking tally by half time. The answer to the traditional question "Moir, Moir, Moir, how do you like it?" was "not in the slightest". Our response was a set shot from  40 metres out by recent first round draft pick Jefferson which helicoptered into the hands of a defender barely half the distance to goal. 

I feel for him because he's got Billings style Resting Terrified Face, but later in the quarter he dropped a sitter of a chest mark and I was ready to chuck any notion of preparing for the future and play McDonald, Petty or Darren Bennett at full forward instead. The spilt mark formed part of an all-time putrid bit of play where the loose ball was kicked to van Rooyen, who didn't hear the umpire saying it (allegedly) hadn't gone far enough, then having to panic handball to Windsor who wasn't ready for it and could only let off a hasty snap for a point. 

After a first half that was as much of a spectacle as that Richmond/Essendon disaster, I'd have thought all 36 players on the ground at the siren would have slinked away as quickly as possible. Instead they did some fake fighting that was so weak it didn't even attract fines in a year where the MRO has already pirated $36,000 from our players for various crimes. All we learned from the footy equivalent of drunks going through the motions in a pub carpark was from the slow-mo replay that showed Oliver has really yellow teeth. If I was a dentist that would've been the final straw after already enduring pure sporting slurry since the first bounce.

We were 19 points down and struggling to score against a side who have been leakier than a ferry in the Philippines, but Kayo did their bit to lift spirits by playing the clip of Harley Reid kicking that goal against us last year about seven times during the break. I know they can't sell all the ad space during breaks, but would you not either: a) get a wider variety of clips to play, or b) plug some of your thousand footy preview/review shows. Unfortunately, one of the spots they did flog was a reboot of Toyota's Legendary Moments with even more punchable 'comedians' than last time. 

By the time I'd seen Reid's goal in every break I was scared about playing West Coast, even as the score in the corner of the screen showed they were in the process of losing comfortably to Richmond. I don't suppose the timing is going to work for us to bring Yze back once his apprenticeship is over. And why would he want to come? Coaching us now would be like buying a decent looking house that's about to have the roof collapse.

The game couldn't have been much worse unless the ground was accidentally covered in sewage at half time, and the third quarter was time for our once a week outburst of exciting football. First JVR outmarked somebody who appeared to be named after former NSW premier Barry O'Farrell, then Fritsch continued his relatively Fritsch vein of form (fingers crossed for a job calling from the Fox Footy studio with material like that) and the margin was back under 10 points. Appropriately, the main character for the few minutes when we were worth watching was Pickett. First he kicked a set shot from a ridiculous angle from the left side, then did a checkside/banana/spinny thing from the opposite spot and you could imagine him single-handedly carrying our corpse over the line. At least for the 30 seconds until we let them kick a steadier. 

And that was pretty much the end of the non-clobbering related excitement. Tholstrup got the hook five minutes into the quarter, and I don't understand why you wouldn't just make the change at half time and save the departed player from having the camera focused on him looking dejected. He was hard done by to have to warm-up and go back out there for a token appearance, but can't have had any argument with being taking off because he'd done nowt. 

In came Lindsay, the only Round 1 debutante still yet to kick a career goal, who failed to extend his record of 0.5 due to a shot missing everything. Meanwhile, the Carlton guy with 0.0 in his first three games ended up having three shots, and was mobbed after a goal like he'd just won a Grand Final after the siren.

The only remaining item of interest for the quarter was May absolutely killing somebody improbably called 'Frankie' in a collision. There was no bump or leaving of ground, so I understand he'll probably get a life ban but am keen to hear what alternative options he was supposed to have considered in the 0.1 seconds available. Rather than saying "what was I supposed to do, let the guy run on to a loose ball inside 50?" I'd claim to not have even known the Carlton player was there and claim that he got in the way of my very normal running for the footy.

On the famous 'football act' scale, running towards a loose ball outranks leaping in the air to smother a handball, but Frankie went to Concussionwood (including a flying tooth) so in conjunction with the sight of blood pouring from the victim's head, May's stuffed. I'm not going to demand Supreme Court action if he gets rubbed out (and ironically he'll be out next week with a concussion of his own), but let's not get excited and pretend this was done with the same savagery as that time he shirtfronted the SME into an alternative dimension.

A 10 point margin is nothing, but I had serious doubts that we'd a) score, or b) stop Carlton from scoring. There was a spot of excitement when Pickett set up Fritsch's second, before we rolled over and died for a few minutes and let them kick two goals - one to a defender, one for the player's first in league footy. And that should've been it, except Pickett punted one through off the ground to keep the prospect of a wholly undeserved win alive.

I'm not sure it ever really got 'interesting', but the margin was dragged back under a goal when Jefferson dropped a mark but got a free after being caught in a Jake The Snake Roberts style DDT. I honestly expected him to kick into the man on the mark or OOF at right angles, but he chipped through an unconvincing set shot and we were a chance of either nicking this in comedy fashion, or Laurence Angwin was going to magically teleport onto the ground and kick the winning goal. 

We never got the chance to grab the lead and somehow get rorted, because the rorts came first. I despise blaming umpires for losing, especially considering all the dumb things we'd done for four quarters, but Oliver was absolutely ransacked out of a free after a rundown tackle at our end. His reaction verged on dissent, but the umpires were obviously too embarrassed to pinch him for it. They had their revenge down the other end when he was done for hanging off Curnow at a stoppage, allowing the once out of form spearhead to wallop through the winning goal from Jeff White 2005 territory.

Technically there was time to pluck two goals from our arse, but while they have some similarities to the 2022 edition Carlton that was prone to falling for things like that, we're connected in name only to the 2022 Melbourne that may have taken advantage. I'm sure everyone associated with Carlton enjoyed it, but I missed seeing Voss reach back and yank a couple of knives from his back by unsportingly turning the TV off with a few seconds left, safe to assume we weren't going to benefit from some mad 50-50-goal-free-goal insanity. We didn't, and thus ended another game that doesn't look bad on paper but makes you think about moving to a lighthouse in the Galapagos Islands.  

Can somebody please come up with a one-off finals gimmick that means we don't have to play the last three weeks of the season? I'm convinced all of Hawthorn, Footscray, and Collingwood are going to pay off a season of 'not quite there' performances by unmercifully rooting us.

Next Week
Just as we've rediscovered the joy of kicking set shots (and not much else in this case), it's a chance to redeem ourselves against St. Kilda after the off chops insanity of our previous meeting. You couldn't honestly blame the conditions last time, but now it'll be happening under a roof so there really is no excuse. We've got to create the chances before they can be missed, and our old pal Ross Lyon will be rubbish his hands together in glee at the chance to salvage something from a season that's somehow been even worse than ours (for now) by eliminating all avenues to goal. I suspect he'll be happy to win 30-15, so there's a chance this could end up as the all-time lowest rated Channel 7 game between two Victorian clubs.

The obvious omission is Tholstrup who has tested the 'play kids' theory over the last two weeks. I still blame them for dropping him after an encouraging performance on King's Birthday, but considering the players who have slogged all year in the Reserves for minimal opportunities (hello Bailey Laurie), it would be a violent extraction of piss to pick him next week. If Laurie can't get in the starting lineup next week then why in god's name is he signed until the end of next year? Whether he's a long term player or not doesn't matter anymore, you've got him for another season so give him a go.

Had Jefferson's game ended on his double blunders I'd have directed him to the VFL so vigorously my thumb fell off, but I'm almost seduced by the idea of keeping him in the side but nah. Even if there's no obvious replacement let's just put the last few weeks down to development and try something else. I don't know what that is considering Turner will be required in defence, but it might force us to go against core beliefs and try something different. 

I've got a revolutionary idea, pick some sort of second ruckman so van Rooyen can concentrate on playing as a forward. Before watching Casey mug Carlton in the VFL I'd have continued the campaign to give Verrall a game, but Johnson kicked four goals in the first half so he'll definitely be back at the front of the queue. Not much of a ruckman, and doesn't help my fervent belief that we're going to break Gawn by playing him in a bunch of pointless games, but if they're not going to give Max a rest then JVR may as well benefit. Besides, in a classic case of overreacting to minor details that you don't know the full story of, Verrall didn't even start as first ruck so I doubt their interest in playing him. Not getting a touch for most of the first half didn't help his cause.

The only other thing I learnt from the VFL is that Carlton had a player called Stirling Phipps-Potts, who may be the most Melbourne-named non-Melbourne player since Rochford Devenish-Meares. It was party time for double barrel surnames when their first goal came from Denver Grainger-Barras, before Casey proceeded to win in a canter. I suppose if the senior side had that many unknown players their Reserves were always going to be fill-in heavy.

I've got NFI what's going to happen. St Kilda are crap, but we've already made them look good once this year. It may come down to which side's senior players can muster up the enthusiasm to play like the game means something. I think these changes leave us one short on the bench so it's reader's choice on who you want to fill the gap.

IN: Laurie, Howes, Lindsay (starts), Johnson
OUT: May (one reason or the other), Jefferson, Sharp, Tholstrup (omit)
LUCKY: Chandler, Viney
UNLUCKY: Billings, Culley, Kentfield, Petty, Sparrow

2025 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Kysaiah Pickett
--- Light years ---
4 - Bayley Fritsch
3 - Judd McVee
2 - Clayton Oliver
1 - Max Gawn

Apologies to Langford, McDonald, and Salem who may have scored a slice of the action due to lack of competition. 

Leaderboard
It's ever so slightly on at the top of the leaderboard, but Gawn must remain favourite when Pickett would need to overcome a 13 vote gap with only 25 left to hand out. No change in the other awards, though the Seecamp will probably be down to Bowey vs Turner once May falls victim to the footy culture wars.  

47 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
34 - Kysaiah Pickett
24 - Jake Melksham
--- Abandon all hope ye beyond here ---
20 - Jake Bowey (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
17 - Christian Petracca
16 - Clayton Oliver
15 - Daniel Turner
13 - Steven May
11 - Harvey Langford (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Tom McDonald
9 - Kade Chandler, Ed Langdon
8 - Bayley Fritsch, Christian Salem
7 - Xavier Lindsay, Jack Viney
4 - Tom Sparrow
3 - Judd McVee
2 - Jake Lever, Harrison Petty, Trent Rivers
1 - Harry Sharp

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Take your choice on Pickett from the boundary line, but the one on the right side was so beautiful that it's unlucky not to replace his goal against Port as the clubhouse leader. Neither happened in a win, so the one he kicked from the square last week before going on to do bugger all is ultimately worth more than either of them. 

Final thoughts
Where else would you rather be? Actually, don't answer that.

Punching down

Contrary to what people who love content say, there's nothing wrong with an end of year slopfest between rubbish sides. Feel free to explain how this game would've been more interesting if played as part of Group D in the AFL Mid-Season Cup. The moment it was over it meant nothing, but we won, and mysteriously picked a windy day to start kicking set shots so who's complaining?

The MCC will be right behind mid-year cup games in front of 1500 people at Arden Street because it will clear the July calendar for them to put on half-baked friendlies involving popular European soccer teams. It's obviously a for profit organisation now anyway (though I bet not as far as the taxman knows), or they wouldn't shut half the stadium and create Chinese traffic jam style congestion in the lower concourse at half time.

One thing I'll say for the clods who run the place is that nobody expected the third largest home and away crowd ever between these sides. Bad news for the lucky ground staff who got a shift and thought they were going to have an easy day with none of the usual Collingwood fans smuggling in guns or texting in threats to Michael Voss, only to end up managing people movement more chaotic than the Fall of Saigon.

Big club fans would scoff over 35,844, but it's off the charts considering where these teams are at. The turnout can either be credited to whoever came up with the Kid's Day theme, or both sets of fans thinking their side was a chance of winning. Neither applied to me, it just happened to be a rare case of my schedule aligning with the fixture instead of Melbourne either being interstate or having a bye every time I was free to go. This was by no means worth watching again, but it did leave me 2-2 in live games this season. It doesn't make up for all the great wins missed in our fleeting glory era, but it's a Melksham-esque comeback from watching our season-defining capitulation to North.

Other than a few trashbag quarters spread over to games against Gold Coast we'd been better than you'd expect from a 5-11 team but that's a pretty sad consolation prize. The highs haven't lasted long enough, which is why we're in this mess. Still, this result puts the Spitebury Plan back on the agenda, as we're now one spot ahead of last year. In 2024 we finished 14th with 11 wins, now there will be (restrained) street parties and possible mid-table mediocrity if we get that. It's a funny old game.

The theme may have been young people (and lucky we didn't lose, or it would have been called the Hitting The Skids Game), but our only attempt to match it on-field was playing Jefferson even though he's got the physical presence of Cale Morton on a three week hunger strike. I'm pleased to say that even adjusting for opposition quality this was easily his best game, but I'll still be huffing oxygen before Round 1, 2026 if we haven't found somebody sturdier to play down there.

I'm all for the playing of what limited 'kids' we have, but after Gawn's rare hands-down loss at the hands of North last time, I'm biased by novelty but thought this might be the week to go down the other end of the age/experience scale and give him some help by picking Tom Campbell. Instead we opted for the proven strategy of running Gawn into the ground/costing van Rooyen vital development time as a forward, but we won (not because of either of these things) so after recent disappointments I'll take it.

Joy of premiership points aside, I still think we're heading towards a massive cliff in the next couple of years. After looking like they were about to rocket past us in Round 2, North has settled back into the 'emerging' category, waiting for enough draft picks to pay off so they're not still in a crumpled heap by the time we get there. North showed signs for the future here, but as we know from the #fistedforever decade sometimes teams build to a certain point, then nuke themselves with internal turmoil and general stupidity.

If we'd lost you can guarantee I'd be saying it looked like going wrong the moment Pickett swooped on the ball at the first centre contest, then stuffed up a bounce which led to North going into attack. It wasn't good, but struggles to qualify for the top 20 blunders in a first half where we took bad options, and handballed like everyone was wearing a prosthetic arm. The good news was that we looked inept, but North failed to make the distance from a 40 metre set shot and it's lucky Essendon and Richmond had just put on a game so bad nothing could compare. 

In the end, this turned out a decent game if you could turn your brain off and accept that both sides had fatal flaws. Unlike most of our games it may have even had some attraction for neutrals, even if the appeal was more of the slapstick "thank god this isn't us" variety. For about five seconds it looked like we might be on our way, despite North having plenty of opportunities we got two goals from close range. The closest of range for the first one, with Pickett disposing of his opponent and waltzing into an open goal. Turned out that was about as far out as he was comfortable with in this game, going on to miss a couple of sitters and generally not doing much. They can't all be classic performances.

We were held back early by North dominating stoppages and generally playing keepings off (actual analysis from their perspective here), but they weren't good enough to do anything with the majority of possession. Might have been different if Nick Larkey was out there, but the late withdrawal of Steven May was covered by Tom McDonald walking back into the side like Hulk Hogan entering Madison Square Garden and saving us on several occasions. In light of Melksham having an all-time career renaissance they'd be insane to rush him out the door at the end of this year, but I can understand if he wanted to have one or two seasons elsewhere at either end of the ground instead of touring dogshit covered suburban grounds in the VFL. 

The McSizzle comeback story was helped by North picking a shitload of tall defenders to take on a forward line where the key position players haven't fired a shot in 12 months. Given that May wasn't there, his replacement hadn't played seniors in two months, Lever has been ropey, and we're the #1 side in the competition for letting players have one-off great career games, they should've sent whichever backmen had the least career goals into attack and let him run riot. At first, this didn't seem necessary, Paul Curtis continuing his hammering of us from Round 2, before Boomer Harvey Jr. signed up for the Kingsley shortlist by kicking four goals after barely playing a game in three years.

I usually trust the votes from the coaches as a better professional indication of the best players than me deciding everything on the vibe, but it's a mystery to me how they both had Petracca best on ground when he spent the first three quarters shanking kicks all over the place. Either that or the bit where he burnt JVR to a crisp inside 50 and instead made Langford try to bring back the spirit of that Hawthorn game where he was pulling down contested marks like a madman. No fault on the effort but you've got to do something when you get it. On the other hand Salem got nil when I thought this was his best game for years, so either that award has gone midfielder-only too, or I know dick. Pretty sure it's the latter.   

The lead felt a bit flimsy (not as much as last week mind you), so I wasn't all that surprised when North were suddenly in front. It was all a bit Round 2, we seemed the better team but couldn't get far enough ahead to shake them off, leaving open the prospect of another epic last quarter implosion. Speaking of playing the hits, we did a DemonTime special to end the quarter, horrifically blowing what should have been a safe exit from defence, and turning it into a shot on goal for North. When they got another one minute into the second quarter I was mentally preparing for fans to enter carnage mode. 

Appropriately, this was my once a year trip to the Redlegs seats, and while the regulars were pretty calm I could sense they were ready to blow up if things didn't get better. It wasn't your storm the race and abuse the players type audience, but they were definitely ready to sook up in the workplace, on talkback, and across the internet. I was a bit unmoved by the prospect of losing by a reasonable margin. Another white flag waving disaster would be different, but I was just sitting there thinking this was all very much on brand for Melbourne 2025. And as we've struggled to beat North in recent years even when good (plus one random thumping that makes no sense now), another loss here would be no surprise. None of us would like it, but you'd hardly bust out the spraypaint or dump chicken hearts on the steps at this stage of the season.

The turnaround - which had the gentle turning circle of an ocean liner - started in the most unexpected circumstances. After twice kicking out on the full from the right forward pocket, Jefferson tried his luck from the left side and converted. Then what was heading towards the best game Fritsch has played in over 12 months continued with him setting up Langdon for a snap and the game looked to be back on our terms. They certainly weren't being allowed to happily punt the ball around amongst themselves anymore, though we were still doing our best for blooper compilation videos with wacky turnovers.

Just when you thought we might go on with it, there was a few minutes of the bonkers goalkicking you've come to associate with this season. Unlike some other weeks they had the decent excuse of a crosswind, which makes it even more ridiculous that by the end of the game we were potting set shots like they were training drills. Where was that at [insert every venue we've played at, but especially Alice Springs]?

It still looked to be going our way when Chandler kicked his first, before we spent the rest of the first half on the back foot looking vulnerable to complete structual collapse at any moment. But thanks to playing a team very much in our weight division, they couldn't take advantage. There were set shots that missed, set shots that fell short, and snaps to a wide open goalsquare that went wide. Meanwhile, with Melksham off the ground with what looked at first like a blown shoulder/elbow (but turned out to be a minor inconvenience), our forward line was invisible again.

The second half was a lot more watchable, and not just because we won reasonably easily. I'd had enough of listening to people talking nonsense around me so fled for the only available level 4 safety in the Olympic Stand. The transfer via the ground floor of the Southern Stand was where I discovered the absurd crowd crush. The queues for food took up about 80% of the available space, forcing people moving in both directions to squeeze past each other against the fence behind the seats. It was dangerous as fuck, and anyone who had to get kids through there should be seething. One day somebody will shout fire or cause a commotion in a situation like this and people will die. Feel free to send the MCC a complaint and see if you have better luck getting a response than either time I've written in to the cowards.

Once I had the traditional several rows of free space, my attitude to attending games at half shut stadiums improved. Before it got better on-field, we had to survive a few minutes of pressure. It got better from the unexpected source of a Gawn free kick. When the free was paid Xerri implored the umpire to watch a replay on the big screen as if that ever works, and they didn't shown one anyway. It was threatening to rain and the scoreboard operators were obviously trying to find that cringy window wiper animation. Xerri would be involved in another incident later that didn't get a replay, and in that case he was probably happy not to see it.

Maximum lined up free from a distance that freed him from the pressure of a normal set shot and he delivered one of his classic intercontinental ballistic missile roosts that flies through post high from 60 metres. It felt like North had done all they could and were ready to lie down, we just had to put them away before they got a second wind. Their mini-revival started with the popular method of winning a free kick by diving headfirst into a tackle while pretending you really wanted to get the ball.

Melksham responded, before Lever and Turner had a "you first, no you first" disaster at the other end. They nearly got another after we gave a player all the time in the world to pick his spot before he hit the post, then they dropped a mark unopposed in the square. Then, after doing bugger all for 2.5 quarters, Zuurhar went from last in the phonebook to first in goalkicking with his third goal of the term. That cut the margin to three points, and within a few minutes we'd gone from the verge of running away with this to playing spooked again.

It took a bit of luck to get us going again. We'd just stuffed up a chance when multiple players got in the way of Jefferson's lead, but from the bounce Chandler snatched the ball off a pack for a neat snap. After a few weeks where he didn't have much influence, this was a good time for Chandler to play well before they did something silly like dropping him for Spargo. Then we got even luckier when a North defender was pinched for deliberate in the dying seconds. Not that he didn't do it, but bad luck finding the one umpire in 10 who'd pay the free under those circumstances. There's no way the same thing would happen late in a thrilling last quarter, or at any ground where the penalised team had a majority of fans but it worked for us here so happy days. 

Those goals gave us a 16 point lead, but I still wasn't convinced it would be enough. We looked vulnerable in defence, and couldn't rely on the forward line to end it. I could imagine a quarter of the teams punting it back and forth to each other in the middle of the ground, and us falling over the line by a single digit margin after three goals were kicked in total. Instead, it ended like the West Coast game, where both teams chucked defence out the window and churned out a total score far beyond what the contest deserved.

Enter Melksham, continuing the greatest career revival since John Howard, for two goals in a row. Both were lovely, low, slicing set shots that beat the windy conditions. It made him the first Melbourne player to kick four goals three weeks in a row since prime David Neitz, which is both a great achievement for him and an indictment on 20 years of our forward lines. Then Tholstrup kicked a very nice one from close range to theoretically seal it. It's good that he had this positive moment, because he pretty much did nothing else and somehow became the only Melbourne played fined for wrestling despite multiple grapples during the last quarter.

There was a bit of 'surely not' when North got two goals in a row, but there was no realistic way of us crumbling from here. Doesn't mean I wasn't still shitscared of it happening at the time. Any half chance of something stupid happening was finally rubbed out by Petracca's goal, and all that was left was to get through to the the final siren and go home happy. 

Tom Sparrow wishes it had been that simple, because he ended the game being carted off in a neckbrace after being knocked out cold in a collision with Xerri's swinging fist. I was watching when it happened but must've blinked at just the moment of impact because when the crowd went "oooh" and Gawn took off to retaliate I had absolutely no bloody idea what was going on. It was quite a hit because he was out before hitting the ground, and for obvious reasons it took several minutes to make sure he was alright and get Sparrow off the ground.

After other famous incidents where one of our players was clobbered into oblivion, I don't blame the players for flying the flag and going for Xerri but realistically it was an accident. Less of the alleged 'football action' than the Maynard incident, more just recklessly hanging a ruckman sized clenched hand in traffic where anyone could be running. Lucky he didn't collect an umpire in the week the AFL pretended to crack down contact with officials or they'd have given him 30 weeks, but three seemed a fair result for the combination of action and outcome.

Somehow not a single Melbourne player was fined for the afters, though it would be funny if Oliver got fined despite his fake commitment to the fake fight, as he grabbed a partner for some swing dancing and was clearly going through the motions in the hope of not having to write a cheque.

And, err, that was it. The prospect of a serious injury took a bit of joy from the last few minutes, but once Sparrow was confirmed to be in decent shape I was happy to focus on the enjoyment of gathering premiership points and trying to pretend this result meant anything for our future.    

Next Week
We won't beat good teams playing like this, so thank god we're playing Carlton next. I'm not assuming victory because it would be pure Melbourne to kick 5.26 and lose to a side who look like they all want to curl up in a ball and die, but it's an opportunity for two in a row.

I didn't know the Casey game was on (let alone on TV) until half time and missed the quarter when they beat the piss out of Werribee. By the second half it was just half a side of AFL listed players going around semi-professionals like traffic cones and (surprise, surprise) lacking forward power to win by a huge margin. 

There was certainly nothing to throw selection into chaos, as if we're not just going to be ultra-conservative losers for the rest of the year anyway. Maybe they scratched the itch was first gamers in Round 1? I'd forgotten Henderson existed until he made the squad here, and it's sad that nobody important cares enough about these things to ask how he ended up playing that game after a pre-season campaign consisting of one practice match for another club. I assume his two touches in this VFL game were down to playing limited time then being packed away in case he was required on Sunday. I'm happy for him to hang around as depth next year, but nothing in the first five games of the year suggested he's the answer to any question. 

It's too late for four club Campbell now, so in the interest of not tormenting Gawn's body it's time to give Will Verrall a crack. He might have rucked on Saturday against somebody who's taken the game up in the last week for all I know, but everyone except our selectors is aware that it's time to start playing randoms. 

A few weeks after I moved him to the recycling bin (immediately before getting a new contract) Kentfield took a couple of contested marks that made you think he could cope with the shitbox delivery into our forward line, then I looked at the stats and he only had three marks total for the game. Now that Jefferson has had a positive performance he may have missed the boat, but there's something to work on for next year. He could get a token run as part of any late season throwing of magnets - see also Adams, Brown, Laurie etc... Not Billings, because with respect it won't help with future development or protect anyone important from snapping in two.

And I've got NFI why they picked Windsor here only to make him the sub, but there's no point not playing him for the rest of the year. Also from the NFI file, how team balance would work with my proposed changes but it's not like they're going to happen anyway so it won't be an issue.

IN: May, Verrall
OUT: Sparrow (inj), Tholstrup (omit)
LUCKY: Lindsay, Windsor
UNLUCKY: Campbell, Laurie, Petty

2025 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Christian Salem
4 - Jake Melksham
3 - Tom McDonald
2 - Bayley Fritsch
1 - Harvey Langford

Apologies to Chandler, Gawn, Petracca (for effort over execution) and Viney

Leaderboard
Six games left, 30 points on offer, pretty much everyone eliminated. Gawn would need to fall down a well and Pickett play out of his skin to win it from here, but for now there's hope for everyone all the way to the Melksham miracle. In the minors, Langford is already the moral winner of the still unnamed Rising Star Award but is still vulnerable to being swept away by a single BOG from Lindsay.

46 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
29 - Kysaiah Pickett
24 - Jake Melksham
20 - Jake Bowey (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
17 - Christian Petracca
--- Abandon all hope ye beyond here ---
15 - Daniel Turner
14 - Clayton Oliver
13 - Steven May
11 - Harvey Langford (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Tom McDonald
9 - Kade Chandler, Ed Langdon
8 - Christian Salem
7 - Xavier Lindsay, Jack Viney
4 - Bayley Fritsch, Tom Sparrow
2 - Jake Lever, Harrison Petty, Trent Rivers
1 - Harry Sharp

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
With apologies to any of Melksham's set shots, or the Tholstrup curler in the last quarter, Chandler's snap in the third was both important and aesthetically pleasing so it wins the weekly nomination. Pickett vs Port still leads overall.

Final thoughts
Imagine how excited you'd be if this was a cup quarter final?

More to be pitied than despised

Midway through the first quarter on Sunday we got the perfect moment to sum up our season. An Adelaide player leisurely rushed a behind under no pressure, and unlike a particular incident in 2021 the umpire had enough courage to pay deliberate against them at that end of the ground. So the point from the original rushed behind disappeared, then the free kick went across the face of goal and out on the full, leaving us with one less than if it hadn't been given at all.

Surprisingly, things got better from there. After delivering an on-brand 1.6 in the first quarter, we went relatively ballistic for a few minutes in the second, banged through five goals in a row and led by 25 points. I appreciated this outburst of interesting, league standard attacking football but didn't have the slightest faith in it lasting. Then we spent the next 10 minutes pinned in defence, trying to find a way out via dinky kicks and uncontested marks, only to find out that Adelaide had all the escape routes bolted shut. 

Once they swizzed what we were up to it was effectively over. We hung around like an unflushable nugget well into the last quarter, but other than those few joyful moments it was all difficult slog and you could see Christian Petracca trying to remember about which folder he'd saved the draft "I'm not enjoying my football, I need a fresh start" press release in. 

Like most of this year's losses, it wasn't bad enough for flashbacks to the war crimes of the Neeld era, but the best bits didn't stretch long enough to take us close to winning. We're a more average side than a 5-11 record suggests, but whether it's structural, coaching, lack of killer instinct, or something else, this may be the worst side I've seen at taking advantage of opportunities. It's been the same story all season, the door was wide open and we walked into a wall.

I'd like to avoid thrashings for as long as possible, but these 40% performances don't offer hope for the future or a chance to blow your stack. Unless something really weird (good or bad) happens in the next few weeks, name a more tedious season. Scoring has pulled away from our modern rock bottoms of 2013-2015, but even if those years were practically unwatchable there was the comfort that surely it couldn't get any worse/surely it was getting better. Now I've come to terms with the fact that we're going to die but can't bring myself to ring Exit International and get it over with. Instead we can slide sadly to doom over the next couple of years, then miss out on a shitload of draft picks when/if Tasmania turn up. 

So that's something to look forward to between now and 2030. And if that doesn't float your boat, there's the AFL's latest "giz headlines" brainwave of some bullshit mid-season tournament which is supposed to make you feel better about your team being crap. You'd want to make sure that tournament structure is so loose that there can never be a dead rubber, because if you only get 13,000 for GWS in Round 18, games involving already eliminated sides (I'm assuming this rubbish would be a round robin, because otherwise what do you with the teams who get knocked out?) will struggle to draw four figures. I bet it's just the softener to make people think more positively about a Wildcard Round. Well done to the jurors in that bloody never-ending mushroom case for rushing to make a decision after realising this stupid idea should be starved of media attention.

On the Erin Patterson scale of delicious to deadly, this game was only rated about a 6 for 'excess consumption may have laxative effect'. Nobody seriously expected to win, and other than a few minutes of cheap thrills we never looked like it. I've seen this game so many times this year that it's hard to get upset. The comeback in the Brisbane game is such an outlier that it should be located somewhere near Hawaii, otherwise we've been ok for most of the year (fourth quarter against North, three of eight total quarters against Gold Coast aside) but only great for about an hour combined.

You'd get an idea of how this went by re-reading the Essendon, Geelong, or Port reviews, but there were a few unique moments in our first loss to Adelaide for four years. None of those started with the opposition swiping a crap handball in the middle of the ground and landing the ball with a key forward. This usually accurate goalkicker missed, so when we found Petracca at the other end I thought he might embrace the 'opposite day' spirit but alas no. He did help set up Rivers for our first goal with a big old fend, but the bigger assist came from Crows defenders who botched multiple exits from defence.

We should switch to an all-roost attacking method, because it was the only successful effort from seven scoring shots for the quarter. There's something to be said for almost reaching parity by the end of the game, unfortunately not something that comes with premiership points.

After recently being tormented by key forwards from the otherwise piss boring Port Adelaide at the same venue just a few weeks ago, I was on high alert for any or all of Walker/the other ones to have a field day at our expense. They all did a reasonable amount of damage, and the killer blow was struck from another angle, but we held up well against several attacks in the opening minutes. May was tremendous at the start, Turner pulled down 16 marks for the day, and while Lever looks a bit shot this season he's still an important part of the setup. Just slow the speed of the ball arriving down there to something less than 100km/h and he'll be fine.

By the time Lever was hobbling around with a sore ankle I thought it was time to call this season for him and bring McSizzle back, but this won't happen because just when we can't be accused of tanking for draft picks (first round ones anyway) the idea of resting players has been abolished. Good thing he played here because it gave Crows fans the chance to continue the worst past-player feud in the league. I'm all about long-term bitterness against people who have left in contentious circumstances, but once they've won a flag it looks a bit silly. 

In this case, Lever has been with us for two cycles of up and down while Adelaide hasn't played another final but you've got two months to enjoy that moral highground because they're going up and we most certainly are not. Of the nine remaining teams who are any hope of winning this thing, my rankings are #1 GWS or Gold Coast so I don't have to hear about it, #3 Freo for Luke Jackson and not having to hear about it, #4 Adelaide for Alex Neal-Bullen and not having to hear about it, #5 Footscray for James Harmes and the rest can go piss up a rope.

This is about where the usual insanity began inside 50. Pickett took a mark, and I've got no issue with him playing on if that's what works but not via a horribly rushed snap that missed the lot. It was arguably worse than the one against St. Kilda because that may have fallen into the lap of a player in the square but at least it was accurate. And this time we didn't allow the other side to respond with a goal straight away. That happened after the next miss, after which they proceeded directly to the forward 50 for the day's first of several Rankine Wankin' moments.

We weren't doing anything particularly offensive, but the difference between the forward lines was shown by Melksham and Viney running into each other shortly before Adelaide found a key forward in acres of space. This was almost taken back immediately via one of our irregular centre clearance wins, only for Melksham to a lovely lead, have somebody kick to said lead, then spray the shot from right in front. 

Surely neutrals don't watch us play, we're not consistently shambolic and slapstick enough to be ironic viewing. Even the deliberate/OOF incident was a brief, disastrous moment that only we'll remember for years to come. It's also the second time in his short career that Matthew Jefferson has had a free in the right forward pocket and missed everything, which is odd. He doesn't appear to be anywhere near it at the moment and has the physical presence of Cale Morton on hunger strike but there's something there when he gets the ball anywhere other than the pocket. I've noticed he seems to visibly crack the shits with himself whenever anything goes wrong. You'd like to think they're supporting him so he doesn't go into a confidence spiral but this is the same operation that's dropped van Rooyen three times in one year so I don't trust their record on welfare for young forwards. 

Jefferson's performances may not justify a game at the moment, but we're down to playing for self-respect and annoying Essendon, so unless you've got something else new to try what's the point booting him out? And don't say Kentfield, whose consecutive half-decent games in the VFL weren't as good as Fullarton's before he did nowt in a pair of wins.

Tholstrup is in the same boat where we probably should play him even if he hasn't been great, but the bad news for him is more people can play replace him. He's messy, but you can't fault the enthusiasm so hopefully after a pre-season he can get some consistency next year. Alternatively, become the new Bailey Laurie and plug away in the VFL all year for no reward.

It's one thing when a fifth gamer looks miserable, but when Petracca took a mark right at the end of the quarter the look on his face before he kicked it suggested he already knew it was going to miss. To be fair that's how we think about all his set shots and nobody seriously holds it against him, but it was another example of why I think he's about to reach for C:\Statements\Fresh Start.doc. Pickett is staying, and I really don't care if Oliver goes now (as long as it doesn't involve something silly like trading a good draft pick just to get his salary off the books), but Petracca is the canary in the coalmine as far I'm concerned. If he stays I'll have hope, however misplaced, that we might rebuild on the run and get out of this. If he goes then you know the arse if about to drop out of the joint.

Obviously Adelaide saw our players battling mental torment and decided to do their bit for the less stable, because they facilitated a seven point play for Pickett with another horrid kick out of defence, then did more self-harm by giving JVR a 50. The last time he converted a difficult set shot at this ground he ended up back in the VFL, but this was his best performance of the year. That's not saying much, but as a tribute to the absent Petty he looked very good up the ground and just needed somebody else to kick towards who could contest in the air. In this case the only option was Melksham, who did the best he could under the circumstances. It may have come to your attention sometime during the fourth quarter that Fritsch was also playing. 

Adelaide generally spent the first 10 minutes of the quarter standing around with you know what in you know where as we racked up a four goal lead but I didn't trust it for a second. Fox had the all-sensible commentary lineup of Hudson and Hill but their credibility went out the window by waffling on about how we always win with 100+ uncontested marks. Any examples from before mid-2024 don't count because this is effectively a different side.

The peak of party time was when Pickett pulled down a screamer close to goal and thought for a second about quickly snapping again before sanity prevailed and he went back to calmly kick the set shot. This prompted Adelaide's bench to hold up a sign of a boxing glove, which translated to 'stop letting them kick it between themselves like a training drill you clowns' because right after that they planted a human wall in the middle of the ground and locked the ball at their end of the ground for the rest of the quarter. Good times over, resume sadness, toil, and struggle.

Their first score in half a quarter was a goal, then Rankin got a second as it started to become clear that McVee was on deep shit playing against him. For want of any other options we left him to wither and die there while Rankin kicked five. You'd think he'd show more gratitude to the team that just blew contract prices for top small forwards who can play in the midfield through the roof.

Our sudden inability to get the ball over half way wasn't helped by Gawn hobbling off with some sort of leg complaint. This season is toast, the only reason to play him next week is to try and extract some revenge in the Heavyweight Title rematch against Tristan Xerri. Otherwise, 'manage' the poor bastard instead of running him into the ground for nothing. I've said it before, but things are getting more urgent now - they're about as (allegedly) negligent as the 2024 Petracca debacle if he's being played every week to make sure of a spot in the All-Australian team. He'll be in the squad, but if he reaches the final round half dead after playing every game for the season but isn't in the final team then they've botched this. 

Even if he does get another All-Australian, are we that starved for individual honours? He's already a legend, maybe on the way to the AFL Hall of Fame. I'd rather not wreck somebody who has had double knee injuries and various other issues over the years. Surely he's already played more games than any other 209cm player in history, and there's probably a good reason why so few talls have reached 300. He's got 60 to go and won't be boosting that with finals, can we not drive him into the ground prematurely? Also, a mental break might be nice. Give Viney or [god knows who our next in line is now] the turd-filled flaming paper bag for a week and refresh for the big job of saving us from disarray at the end of the year.

The locals got some revenge on Lever when he did a wildly overpowered handball that allowed the Crows to walk into a goal. A centre clearance would've be nice about now, but nobody at ground level could get near it and they weren't falling for the classic Gawn pluck 'n kick so we were basically stuffed. By the time Rankin had five it's lucky Dwayne Russell wasn't present because his exploding strides would've torn a hole in the Fox Footy studio roof.

It was still relatively close, but the famous 'Feels Like' margin was very much against us. Melksham continued his one man crusade to keep the forward line respectable, only to stand there and watch Neal-Bullen easily burn past Petracca in the middle of the ground. Set your time machine for 2018, tell somebody this was going to happen and they'll report you to the authorities. The bit they would believe is us battling to kick a goal then handing it back as soon as possible.

Say what you like about Lever 2025 but we did concede a mark and goal about 20 seconds after he went off. Maybe it was just the lack of a player rather than a specific player, but after writing Melksham off several times only for him to be holding our forward line together while on the verge of all his soft tissue exploding I'll wait for more evidence next year before trying to flog him to Richmond.

We got to the last change within the same range as where the Brisbane game was won from. Only with the players going through several more weeks of disappointment. We had to survive having another goal cancelled out at record speed, saved only by a last minute review showing the ball hitting the post. Considering "they review everything", it's suspect that this usually only happens after enough time for Channel 7 to get an ad in.

It got a bit interesting when Melksham turned up again for a goal from the boundary line. Since spraying shots left, right and centre in the first quarter we'd been surprisingly good on set shots since so you can pretty much guarantee a total of 6.31 next week. We were back to not being able to get through the middle of the ground, but Adelaide kept it sporting by not violently putting us away. After the first goal we managed to hold out for all of 30 seconds before giving away a mark inside 50. There was more Hollywood stupidity from the Crows with a failed pass, but soon enough it was back with the same player right in front and he got his goal in the end.

There was a bit of progress after our next goal, getting the ball inside 50 before it was swept down the other end for a shot. They failed to make the distance, but all it took was one mark on the exit and Adelaide players were able to work the ball around the 50 like a basketball drill before landing right on the top of a player who'd found a mismatch in front of goal. That's the sort of uncontested marking commentators should froth over, not the ones that come from back and forth, stat padding sideways kicks at half back that end up going nowhere.

The game was effectively over when we let a player goal from the square mid-tackle despite McVee wrapping himself around the post to try and touch it. And maybe he did. The goal umpire thought so, but the reviewer refused to believe him even though they may not have been looking at the moment the ball was actually touched. I couldn't muster up any outrage. Pulling back a 21 point lead in 10 minutes is not impossible but sure felt unlikely. If Pickett landed one from a Viney handoff it would be in "you never know" territory but we'd likely have just given it straight back anyway.

Pickett nearly brought the margin under two goals with three minuets left, but a defender who didn't even claim to touch it was given the benefit of the double by a review operator who worked so quickly that he must have had a legover lined up for 6pm AEST and didn't have time to waste. And that was it, not close enough to be upset, not far enough away to crack the shits.

This season has been draining but deep down I still love watching Melbourne, not matter how drainingly boring  they are. This game was always going to end in some degree of shambles but I still spent the whole weekend secretly counting down to 3.20pm Sunday to see what would happen and even though the result turned out as expected I'll still be thinking 'mons until we next turn up to bring the game into disrepute.

Next week
You've played the best, now play the rest. North on Sunday kicks off a month of testing ourselves against sides returning from years of misery, going headfirst towards years of misery (see you there), or just hanging around in the middle of the ladder like a bad smell. Better beat some of North, Carlton, St. Kilda, and West Coast, because the last three weeks of the season might involve vigorous rooting by premiership contenders.

In a tremendous piece of scheduling, our VFL game against a standalone side largely overlapped the senior match. No idea why it couldn't be played earlier and treated as a virtual curtain raiser, did Coburg catch public transport to Cranbourne? If so, it didn't do them any harm because they beat a wasteful (no, really?) Casey to take their spot in the top 10 (*spit*). I'd love to go ballistic on changes to the senior side but there doesn't appear to be much in the tank.  Not a great sign when the top possession getter is the backupiest ruckman of all time, unless we think about giving Gawn a week off from being run into the ground.

Assuming we don't rest anyone (and why would you, it happens so rarely) I'd go for the mega bombshell and drop Oliver because he's adding nothing at the moment. Laurie isn't a replacement but give the poor bastard a full game at least once this year and hope for the best. Petty and Howes are (presumably) back from suspension, and I suppose they're going to be picked but you'd want to be cautious about Petty after two head knocks in one season. Charlie Spargo is back from injury so no doubt they'll pick him in the face of the evidence that he adds bugger all, but I'm not having it. On stats alone Windsor didn't do much in the VFL but you may as well play him where he's intended to go in the future.

Now that van Rooyen has had a confidence boosting game, unless we react like the last one and drop him, I wouldn't mind one last go at seeing if my theory of McDonald offering him protection as a forward has any legs. But this won't happen, because while we're carrying a bunch of other carcasses to the end of the season the only person other than Gawn who was there in our absolute lowest years and went on to play a role in a flag has been chucked on the scrapheap.

Given our half-decent performances against much better teams in recent weeks, we're a good chance of beating North on paper. In reality, I predict another pisspoor shambles where you end up feeling cheated at ever thinking you might get some enjoyment out of the game.

IN: Howes, Laurie, Windsor
OUT: Oliver, Sharp (omit), Tholstrup (to sub)
LUCKY: Fritsch, Jefferson, Langdon
UNLUCKY: Campbell, McDonald

2025 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jake Melksham
4 - Steven May
3 - Daniel Turner
2 - Kysaiah Pickett
1 - Trent Rivers

Apologies to Bowey, Gawn and Viney.

Leaderboard
The lead at the top is cut to less than four BOGs, which might make for an exciting finish if we had more than seven games left. Like our finals chances (now rated as .01) he remains a mathematical chance. For anyone below 11 votes, you have now been eliminated. I can confirm that Gawn will win the Stynes, because there's no chance anyone within 35 votes of him is going to average 10 hitouts a game and qualify. No change in the minors, where Turner and May still have out some hope of Seecamp glory, while Langford is holding out in the Stynes because nobody eligible is going to close to scoring votes.

46 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
29 - Kysaiah Pickett
20 - Jake Bowey (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Jake Melksham
17 - Christian Petracca
15 - Daniel Turner
14 - Clayton Oliver
13 - Steven May
--- Abandon all hope ye beyond here ---
10 - Harvey Langford (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
9 - Kade Chandler, Ed Langdon
8 - Tom McDonald
7 - Xavier Lindsay, Jack Viney
4 - Tom Sparrow
3 - Christian Salem
2 - Bayley Fritsch, Jake Lever, Harrison Petty, Trent Rivers
1 - Harry Sharp

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Melksham from the boundary line as part of our continued encouragement to kick accurate set shots. Pickett still leads overall.

Heritage Round
Sat down to watch the '64 Grand Final at last, and got approximately 11 seconds in before being dragged off to do something else. Never got back to it. Stay tuned for more excuses in the next few weeks.

Final thoughts
Now our only multiple game winning streaks are against West Coast, Fitzroy, and University.