Sorry if you're here for table-tipping outrage, but the events of Sunday afternoon went so far beyond what we understand as bad football that they achieved a level of performance art that may never be beaten. During the final act, I sat there thinking that no other team could so perfectly blunder into a disaster of this magnitude, and the record books agree. We're now two time title holders for the greatest three quarter time choke in VFL/AFL history, and I'm blessed to have seen both live.
Given the 33.5 year gap between games, and the low percentage of Melbourne fans present on Sunday there can't be many of us who suffered the famous Round 6, 1992 capitulation and this latest indignity. I'm not weird enough to demand a personal apology from the club, but maybe we should get matching tattoos to recognise the shared achievement. [Note from the future - good news at last, the 1992 incident was actually only the second biggest behind something from 1947. So I've got that going for me].
Regular readers are well aware of how that Essendon game scarred me forever, but for the sake of one-off visitors who are just here for the Beef Stock - Chicken Stock - Laughing Stock atmosphere it involved us starting the last quarter 41 points in front, kicking the first goal, then losing by a point. I've never trusted a lead again, so 33.5 years later you'd think that incinerating a near eight goal advantage and facilitating one of the great fairytale finishes would end with a chair being kicked until deadly shards of plastic showered the jubiliant home crowd. Alas, it was so stupid that I could only sit there silently and have a bit of a laugh. Only an under the breath, ironic, "better this than a coronary" sort of laugh mind you.
As somebody who has previously thrown several tantrums at the end of footy games you'd like to think age and wisdom stopped me from going troppo here, but if it wasn't for the events of 25/09/2021 police negotiators would still be trying to talk me off the roof of Docklands Stadium. Maybe I'll wake up in the middle of a random night in the future, scream "you bastards!" and end up subject to the Mental Health Act, but in isolation it was one dud team humiliating another, and as long as we don't accidentally nuke the joint in reaction it means as little for next season as if we'd done the sensible thing and gone on to win.
Setting the record is the only thing I'm genuinely upset about. If we'd carked it from 40 points up there'd be a few days of hilarity at our expense before the result would fade into obscurity for most people. For example, we all know who holds the two biggest losses in league history, but who remembers third place? Now whenever the highlights are pulled out they'll have words like BIGGEST and GREATEST attached, and it will historically discredit us only slightly less than voting for the merger.
We're still going to be filth from next year onwards, this was just a bonus shower of piss for fans on the way down, but that shouldn't detract from the last quarter being some of the most horrifying viewing you'll ever see. St. Kilda came back from the dead at near-186 pace while our players stood around in confusion like hillbillies who think they've just seen a UFO.
None of this should detract from the joy of Saints fans about pulling off the heist of the millennium, even if it might get a bit weird if the hero of the hour is playing for another team next year. If they boo him we should get two premiership points refunded. Ross Lyon has every right to be overjoyed too (especially now that he gives off the vibes of somebody who's just doing it for the lols), but he might be the one having a medical episode in the middle of the night when he realises what we've done in recent years. After coaching four Grand Finals and coming heartbreakingly close to winning twice he's had to watch us come out of nowhere, convert an unprecedented hour of power into flag, then go back to being boring and winning nowt. Now that he seems to have reached a zen mental state it's best not to dwell on it.
It's a little bit unfair to focus entirely on the bit of the game played with the same poise as people escaping a crashed plane, because blowing the biggest 3/4 time lead ever obviously means things were going quite well until then. It was hardly swashbuckling footy to convince you we're going to turn into the Harlem Globetrotters in 2026, but good enough to win an otherwise anonymous end of season game against a fellow struggler.
When van Rooyen's kick on the siren missed and left us 46 points up, there was still something to say about our season not entirely disintegrating after the horror last quarter against North. It was effectively dead soon after (with that brief window of hope which ended the last time we went insane against the Saints), but the losses have been more boring than tragic, without any signs of getting more interesting in the future. As much as I've appreciated Gawn's brave attempts to hold the place together and Melksham's late-career revival, the only person under 30 who looks like offering serious entertainment value in the future is Pickett - and locking him up in this otherwise beige team is like forcing Mick Jagger to front the Wattle Park Primary School Recorder and Triangle Band.
There's Langford and Lindsay, plus McVee if he doesn't bolt, and Windsor/van Rooyen if they can avoid the Melbourning process setting in, but one of these teams had six players with under 20 games experience and one that folded like a house of cards had two so I'm assuming the worst and am open to being pleasantly surprised.
I can't blame selection for what happened here (though if you want to make a case I'm open to it), but the changes were a clear philosophical choice about how we're approaching the end of this season. After last week, you'd think they'd finally concede defeat on 2025 and do something a little bit interesting. Instead, we made the least adventurous four changes for a meaningless game in recorded history. I bet you somebody on the coaching team did a one day course, came back thinking they were a guru, and decided we're going to play the season out regardless of the ladder. Let's wind that back a step and play out individual games first.
I'm not against the players who were picked, I just don't understand what we learned from rushing Sparrow back at the first opportunity, and returning Petty to the forward line when he's arguably had less good games per capita than last year. If we're allegedly trying to lure Joe Daniher out of retirement (and if he saw this game he'll send the 'no thanks' email three times just to make sure it's seen), they can't seriously be planning for him to play down there forever. And even if we're not activating Rent A Forward, they can't seriously be planning for him to play down there forever, so what about swapping him and Turner for a week to keep them warm at either end of the ground?
And I'm no Spargo fanatic, but I could just about understand the idea of getting games into him after barely playing for two years. Then they made him the sub, and his contribution amidst the fourth term mayhem was one effective disposal. Selection whinges were going to feature in this post even if we won, but please explain what we expected to learn from this? The only person who benefited from it was Caleb Windsor, who was subbed out early enough that he can plead not guilty to crimes against football.
The selectors have got things arse backwards this year. In Round 1, we picked bulk debutantes (including the guy who'd never even played a practice match for us, which I'll never stop complaining about), and are now carrying on like nothing happening late season games have some major bearing on our future. Last week Petracca played ill, proving nobody remembers carting a near catatonic Brent Moloney to Kardinia Park and subbing him out statless at half time while 120 points behind. I'm all for Petracca, even while patiently waiting for him to leg it, but would you not give the poor bastard a rest? Alternatively, he could self-report not feeling up to it instead of trying to break through the snot barrier. Alternatively, alternatively maybe he just had a light cough and I've fallen hook, line, and sinker for a media beatup.
If this result had to happen I'm glad to have seen it live, if only to avoid TV commentators punting home the miracle recovery like St Kilda was winning the America's Cup. You may remember bold claims about boycotting Docklands after their crowd management fiasco of Round 2, and I intended to hold firm on this pointless moral stance until realising that I hadn't been to nearly enough games this year, so it was worth betting that the attendance would be shit enough to make up for half the top level being shut.
As only 22,000 people turned up (which will look like the final of the 1950 World Cup in comparison to next week), there was just enough space for the socially averse, but general admission fans of St Kilda, North, and Footscray are mugs if they're not furious. Maybe it only happens against us, but what can you expect from a ground that is introducing self-checkout food so they can dodge paying as many staff as possible. In a week randomly chosen to celebrate 25 years (+19 rounds) of games at Docklands, it's a shame they've ruined the place again because there was a small window on either side of COVID when it was good for more reasons than just "is not Waverley".
Appropriately, a venue owned by the AFL has embraced full corporate wank and a scoreboard message says "We require that all seats are occupied. Be prepared to move over to make sure middle seats are filled". Bullshit there's any such requirement, open more of your stadium and late arriving kents won't be disadvantaged.
Given the firepower of the two forward lines I thought there was a chance both sides combined would fall short of Jeremy Cameron's 11 goal haul on the same ground the previous night. We did our bit to keep it lively by winning the ball from the opening bounce, then fumbling it through hesitation, and setting up a Saints goal when Turner hung off the arm of his opponent like somebody trying to stop their friend from jumping off a cliff. But from there until disaster struck we looked far more likely to kick a winning score. Fritsch got three goals in the first quarter alone, and looked back to his best before proceeding to obscurity until called upon to be jumped over for one of the decisive marks in the last minute.
The happiest non-St. Kilda related people after this game were the umpires, because our swift demise took the heat off their abysmal bounces. I don't know what more concrete-ish surface you're going to get than the one laid on a carpark roof but the ball was flinging off in every direction but straight up. On top of the multiple recalls there were also plenty where the ruckmen followed it near enough that they let play go on through social embarassment.
An umpire randomly threw the ball in the air at one point before they went back to the traditional methods. It's a shame our ineptitude cost the game that one last bounce with eight seconds left that could've effectively killed the concept off in one go. I'll sell the bounce out in a heartbeat to save out of bounds, and if you had two teams lined up correctly with one chance to clear the ball and try to win the game, then lost half the available time because the ball shanked off at right angles there would be outrage. Mind you, these are the same people who just found Steven May guilty (twice) of not telepathically knowing how a ball would bounce so how can you trust them to ever make a positive change to the game again?
The umpires were likely also saved from St Kilda fans calling them unpleasant names over the fence, because the handful of people present were bleeding from every orifice about decisions by the end of the first quarter. I enjoyed Viney calling a stop to play and waiting for a free after a high tackle, but at least the free was there. Less so a 50 against the player improbably named 'Alixzander' (and if it's not spelt like that for cultural reasons the parents should be jailed) when he tried to pull up and not kill Lindsay but lightly bowled him over and was penalised. In the second quarter, Gawn did the biggest shove possible to eject somebody from a marking contest in front of their goal and got away with it. I wish it had been paid so the course of this game was altered and didn't lead us into doom.
After half a dozen career misses from all points of the compass this finally delivered Lindsay's inaugural career goal from point blank range and things were going pretty well. No chance I was going to take the lead seriously after we butchered similar against Adelaide, but as it's widely acknowledged (though you never really know) that we'd have beaten the Saints last time if not for the arsehole goalkicking you'd have thought a four goal quarter time margin was a solid platform to build on against a side whose only good forward is more brittle than Lasagna sheets.
Indeed it was a solid platform, and I can't even complain that we didn't go on to build what would've been a match-winning lead in any other game since 1859, but the middle quarters were more of a slow-burn. This is not a side to really put the foot down, especially with a pair of key forwards who couldn't get near it. I don't know if they think they're doing the right thing but van Rooyen, but for god's sake find an actual forward with some size and natural acumen to play alongside him next year or trade the poor bastard, because the negilence in his development over the last two years has been spectacular even by our standards.
JVR may not end up winning a Coleman Medal or kicking double figures in a game but there's a natural talent there that hasn't been served by doing double duty as a ruckman while playing as the focal point of a forward line alongside converted defenders. This might come across as hypocritical when I'm saying we should rotate the team more by the end of the year but I'll crack the shits if he gets dropped again. Whether he ends up with Petty, Turner, Jefferson, Kentfield or Darren Bennett alongside him, they should spend the next few weeks start trying to play to his advantage, and if he finds a Casey jumper in the locker on Thursday he should go swap it for a copy of the AFL's Grievance Procedure.
For a few minutes of the second quarter it looked like we might finally have spotted vulnerable opposition and gone for the kill. As Viney went ballistic tackling anyone who came near him, Melksham got the first, then him with the zany first name flubbed a kick which allowed Chandler to snap a nice goal. The All New Selfless Bayley Fritsch (six goals in a Grand Final) opted to pass to Rivers (12 goals in his entire career) instead of having a shot, and while that didn't work Petracca soon put one through from distance, and only the late intervention of Zak Jones on the line stopped another. I was surprised he was still going last time we played them, and no less now.
It's easy to forget that we held them to a Melbourne-esque six goals in the first three quarters. Even without Lever or May, the other lot appeared so non-threatening that the rarely seen before (but get used to it for the next couple of weeks) backline of Turner, McSizzle, and Howes could get to know each other in a relaxed atmosphere. You knew it was getting desperate when they chucked Alexzander Ride of the Valkyries forward and of course we fell for this secret move and he got his first career goal. That was one of two in a row but we still led by 30 and come on let's all show a bit of positivity here, because what could possibly go wrong?
I've got a potentially unkind theory that Fritsch's last few weeks have coincided with finding out that other, better, clubs are interested in his services. If I had a legal advisor I'd check to make sure this isn't a defamatory implication before posting but oh well. In case it is true, he got to highlight his new sharing/caring attitude by handing off to Lindsay instead of kicking a fourth from right in front and that was one of the late second quarter goals accounted for. When Nasiah Wanganeen-Milera kicked his second there was a bit of "hey, that's the guy who necked us in Alice Springs", but Pickett soon replied in kind and things were actually going very nicely.
If we resigned from the league in shame after this result, the last goal we ever kicked was appropriately farcical. There was the defender casually standing around like he was waiting for a bus when Melksham half-bumped, half-tackled him and the ball fell to ground to the complete disinterest of the umpires. Even in a season where they're happy to stick their nose into each other's business from 40 metres away, nobody thought that this qualified as near enough is good enough for either holding the ball or incorrect disposal. Chandler didn't bother waiting and just punted it through anyway, but again maybe we'd have been better off if he hadn't. But for god's sake, if you can't think kicking a goal to make the margin 46 points late in the third quarter against a team with nothing to play will be a good thing then why bother ever being happy before the final siren again.
It didn't seem like an issue when van Rooyen missed a difficult set shot to send the margin over 50 points at the last change, but it was good enough for me to take the risk of posting this...
... and ending up looking like an absolute cock. Again, for those of you who are just here for disaster tourist purposes, he kicked the goal in 1992 that made the margin 47 points and previously provided the mark which you could judge a game being safe at three quarter time. After years of faithful service this concept has now been retired, and wherever Chris is we thank him for the kind use of his name all these years. Technically it should be replaced by the Jake Melksham Line but when his goal didn't even come in the same quarter we disappeared off the face of the earth.Just short of the Chris Sullivan Line but morally near enough
— Adam 1.0 (@Demonblog) July 27, 2025
Even though all good sense and logic suggested they were only playing for a draw now ("not so fast" - Melbourne FC), Saints fans were going off their nut at this point. As you would. At least they'd stayed to see it, imagine how many cowards departed at three quarter time and missed one of the most exciting finishes their club will ever be involved in. Even after all the evil we'd seen in the quarter, we still only needed a little bit of luck to hold on and win. It had to take luck, because we'd shown ourselves completely incapable of finishing them off the traditional way.
Enter Wanganeen-Milera, who introduced some 2023 Semi Final flavour to this atrocity by pulling down a screamer over Fritsch, again left on his own in the dying seconds of a thriller while the actual backmen were MIA. I don't know why they're trying to pay some ruckman $2 million a year when the Armaguard truck should be doing circles around his house. In our first meeting he survived being clobbered by a large man to come back and be the most decisive player on the ground, now he's gone from nearly missing the game due to a sore eye to fixing us up again. Nice of them to give him the option to sit out if he didn't feel right, we'd probably have threatened to sue for breach of contract.
Unfortunately NWM didn't realise we were every chance of doing something stupid in the aftermath or he might have rushed the kick to try and get it through with enough time for another play out of the middle. and rush the kick to try and keep time for another play out of the middle. Instead, he took enough time to make sure of it, and with eight seconds left the scores were tied.
Even if it was a draw we were already set to look like deadset buffoons for giving up a 46 point lead, but there was a final act of stupidity that took this into another stratosphere. Earlier in the game I thought some of St Kilda's bonkers self-harm moments balanced out our shitbox goalkicking last time, but the last act elevated our this to Shambles Hall of Fame Legend Status. Somehow after just conceding eight unanswered goals we ended up with one extra player in the forward line and gave away a 6-6-6 free kick.
This led to a few seconds of confusion as the ball was returned to the middle, complete with radio commentators who briefly got my hopes up by saying it was Gawn's free, before they finally sorted it out and the ball was gently lobbed into his hands of Wanganeen-Milera, standing in acres of space, easily within range to kick the required point and win. Bravo, standing ovation, you have now achieved icon status.
Sometimes Kane Cornes tries too hard to be a pill, but I thought this claim was going to be a deep dive into the last two goals (though he might have added or subtracted a second so he didn't look like one of those desperately boring people who snicker over the number 69):
"This is the worst 69 seconds in the game's history."
— AFL.com.au (@AFLcomau) July 28, 2025
- @kanecornes on Melbourne in the dying moments against the Saints
Watch First Up: https://t.co/lwBT4MAaLW pic.twitter.com/BVbYbCL0DM
... but it turned out with all the carnage and chaos in the middle of the ground, that only covers the fateful last bounce, including Wanganeen-Milera pelting out of the middle in such enormous tracts of space that the screenshot barely does it justice while all our players think "well this bloke is just going to bomb it as long as possible isn't he?" Jack Viney realises too late but the ruckman gets such an easy kick that every St. Kilda ruckman in history down to Jason Blake on his first day in the country could hit the target. The potshot on Bowey "guarding nobody in the hole" is a bit harsh because that would have been a great place to stand if the ball had been hoofed long and he be subject to ridicule if the ball was instead punted to somebody 30 metres out where he was supposed to stand..
There wasn't enough time between free kick and kick to free player for any of the six forwards to get down the other end, and I'll let the six defenders off because they had other work to do, but god only knows what the midfielders were doing, which seems a fair metaphor for our season.
There was an outside chance he'd do a Steven Kernahan and kick OOF when any score would do, but the party atmosphere was such that he absolutely cannoned it through. This was historically appropriate for delivering the record comeback, but also because my (likely incomplete) records say nobody has ever kicked a point after the siren to beat us. This makes it seven VFL/AFL games and one in AFLW where we've been beaten by a goal after the siren versus one glorious time we did it where the ball landed in a construction site in front of an official attendance of nil. And I'd trade that kick and its aftermath for this win in a second.
It was hard to take what I'd just seen seriously. When we cocked up that Carlton final I sat in gloom for several minutes, then aimlessly drove around the suburbs for about three hours to gather my thoughts. This time I just walked out the ground, where it was appropriately pouring rain, and went home. As far as pure gameplay goes it's probably the most suicidal thriller we've lost since the 1987 Preliminary Final, but the context is so meaningless that I'm prepared to take up weapons to argue that Round 23, 2017 was worse. It didn't have the same violent ending, but all we needed to do for a first finals series in 10 years was beat a lowly Collingwood and were five goals down at quarter time after barely laying a tackle. Pound-for-pound that was a shitter result, but this is a close second and you'll never be allowed to forget it.
As about the only Melbourne fan with Simon Goodwin's welfare at heart, he should've listened to me and gracefully departed after the Gold Coast game when it became obvious that the only was is down. There's still no excuse for being total arseholes towards him, including the flange who went for a high risk/low reward gag about fixing him up in the carpark. This obviously seemed like a good idea at the time, only for the media to go "you beauty" and start reporting it like a serious, credible threat, presumably leading to a Sunday night spent throwing internet connected devices off a pier. This week I've already spoken to two (2) people who thought it was actually a photo of Goodwin's car, and I remind you that these people vote.
Obviously there's no reason to be an over the top wanker about the coaching situation or get excessively personal towards anyone involved, but that doesn't mean you have to like the way things are going. In some ways it's good that we've been so boring this year that there haven't (yet) been horror defeats that the board would be wilfully negligent to ignore. This stain on our history is still better than losing by 160 points, but everyone watching knows where we're heading, so the best thing for everyone involved to start again.
It doesn't matter how well we'd done for three quarters here, the out of control, freefall madness of the last quarter is the ultimate expression of how it's felt following this club for the last 12 months. You know it's going to fall apart at some point, so it's not even that surprising when it happens via once-in-a-lifetime methods. The board has less killer instinct than the players so whether you like it or not Goodwin isn't getting the sack, but the more headline results like this the less chance there is of him leaving with his held high. For god's sake man, retain some dignity and exit before it becomes really sad. Quoth Gareth Evans when Bob Hawke was about to get the arse,"pull out digger, the dogs are pissing on your swag". And we haven't even got to the AFL Dogs yet, currently operating with two shit hot key forwards who may kick 18 goals between them if we don't keep it together after this.
I've already put out an open invitation for Simon to come over and watch a replay of the Grand Final on my couch when this is all over, but if he needs some positive reinforcement today he should speak to my kid. I got home and tried to explain this all-time epic fiasco to my kid and she said: "So, they only lost by six points then?" Which is one way of looking at it.
2025 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jack Viney
4 - Max Gawn
3 - Christian Petracca
2 - Kade Chandler
1 - Trent Rivers
Apologies to Fritsch, Howes, McDonald, Pickett, and Turner.
Leaderboard
Four games to play thank god, and that means the result is all but sealed here. I'm glad Max didn't confirm victory here, because who'd want the stain of this finish attached to an otherwise joyous event. No change in the minors, where Bowy and Langford both remain vulnerable.
51 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
34 - Kysaiah Pickett
--- Abandon all hope ye beyond here ---
24 - Jake Melksham
20 - Jake Bowey (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Christian Petracca
16 - Clayton Oliver
15 - Daniel Turner
13 - Steven May
12 - Jack Viney
11 - Kade Chandler, Harvey Langford (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Tom McDonald
9 - Ed Langdon
8 - Bayley Fritsch, Christian Salem
7 - Xavier Lindsay
4 - Tom Sparrow
3 - Judd McVee, Trent Rivers
2 - Jake Lever, Harrison Petty
1 - Harry Sharp
Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
I feel like awarding this to St. Kilda x9, but to be polite it's 1) the Melksham set shot from the boundary, 2) the inside out Pickett snap, and 3) Langford. None replace Pickett vs Port as the clubhouse leader.
Next Week
It's a massive pisstake making us go straight back to Docklands after this, much less for a home game that would have already struggled to crack a five figure crowd. There's a chance this could challenge our own record low audience for the venue of 8974, but that I think West Coast will bring enough fans (especially now that they'll be expecting to catch us in freefall) to push it beyond the perfect storm of playing GWS, in the last round, at 1.10pm on Father's Day in 2015.
Not watching a second of the Casey game usually wouldn't stop me from suggesting some changes based off a combination of raw stats and the vibe, but you just know they're going to sit around and say "well, the first three quarters weren't bad, why would we make wholesale changes?" I bet they try to get through next week as safely as possible, then Laurie etc... get a crack in the last three games when all their senior teammates have lost interest and nobody's got a chance of impressing.
If you take the emotion of the fourth quarter out of this we should still win, but stuffed if I'll be making any more bold predictions for games at Docklands.
IN: What's
OUT: The
LUCKY: Bloody
UNLUCKY: Point?
Final thoughts
My first instinct was to finish this post with the old "Five hundred years from now who'll know the difference?", but sadly they will until somebody conjures up an even more shambolic final quarter capitulation.
Been waiting for this to be published. It felt somehow more embarrassing than 186. I had to go to the "mini" on Fox to remember who our last goal kicker was. The Chandler Line? Thank goodness rough plans to go attend with a brother in law from NZ (Saints fan) didn't eventuate!!
ReplyDelete