Friends, family, and fizzing out

The two most random elements in this sport are the bounce of the ball and Melbourne's final quarters. This year we've kicked token goals to dampen a thrashing, sludged out wins in second gear, comprehensively died in the arse, and put on more than one little too late mega comebacks. On Saturday night we got the last two combined, with the added bonus of already having tossed a four goal lead out the window earlier in the night.

Before tackling this review with all the intensity of a Melbourne midfielder at the centre bounce, condolences to all the spectacle fanatic journalists whose weekend was ruined by the putrid crowd. Sorry we subjected you to the horror of something that has no bearing on your life. Mock our fans for bailing out on the season like the fire alarm went off (especially against a team we've been hanging shit on for having no fans since day one), but hold the fake moral outrage and acting like we've sprayed cyanide into the water supply.

I had zero interest in leaving my very outer suburban home to freeze my nards off and watch a probable loss, but the perversity of seeing us play in a near-empty stadium was enough encouragement to show up. Expecting a much bigger margin, I gave my premium membership one last spin for the season (call now if you want to bet on a miracle and buy the rights to my guaranteed Grand Final ticket) and sat amongst what counted as 'the people', expecting tears, tantrums, and generally bad behaviour. Instead, we got a quarter that made it unnecessary, two quarters with the game on enough of a knife-edge to quell unrest, and half a quarter of comeback that people hopefully bought into. And they weren't even as upset as I'd expected across the other 12.5% of the game. Either everything's given up hope, or the crowd was reduced to such a core audience that we'd all seen so much worse over the years that this was just a blip in the lifelong collection of footy grievances.

The only time we've ever had a decent home crowd against GWS was the victory lap after making finals in 2018, but when it pissed down raining for half the day on Saturday I thought the race for my all-time lowest MCG crowd was on. The rain eased and the 13,004 of 2009 was beaten (relatively) comfortably, but unnecessarily arriving an hour before the game gave the impression that we might night top the famous Empty Stadium Match crowd against them at Docklands. 

It looked bad, but contrary to what you've heard from whinging neutrals, the fabric of the game will survive us not drawing whatever crowd Melbourne vs GWS on a Saturday night is meant to get. Here's an idea, expel us from the league now and we can go and do more important things with our dignity intact before the introduction of wildcard games, in-season tournaments, and a lot of other American style wank.

The good news would be that we only just lost, if this was about 10 years ago and expectations were set to nil. In this case it was nearly fatal for the season, and pushed any hope I had off the edge of the cliff it had been teetering on since Freo dismantled us. It was a rare game with multiple comfortable leads blown, but the problem was we gave them three quarters to catch up, while they only offered 10 minutes. We didn't make it, and while on paper an unstoppable roll could begin next week I think only the most delusional glass totally full people can imagine us making finals, let alone doing damage. I'm going to keep watching because I've got no other setting, but you can pull the shutters down on 2024 so vigorously that the hinges fall off. 

It's been a difficult year, not without some genuine highlights but largely like watching the 2023 Boring As Batshit version of Melbourne without as many wins to make it worthwhile. Now thanks to starting the year two players behind, injuries, form, and a flagrant disregard for picking players on form, we're all but stuffed a month from the finish line and nobody's particularly surprised. I'm hoping it's a single season 'victim of circumstances' dip, mainly because I need a few years to come to terms with the idea of plummeting back to the bottom of the ladder and starting all over again.

First instinct after an annoying but close loss, is to think how differently I'd be writing if we'd somehow pinched it. I've pondered this, and would like to suggest it would along the lines of "I'll take it, but *nervously adjusts collar*, and I'm still making alternative plans for September". The polite analysis would be how good it was to be four goals up at quarter time, but at the risk of being Captain Hindsight did it feel anything like a sustainable lead? I suppose we could have nicked a couple of goals early in the second and crushed their spirit, but they'd had plenty of opportunities to unlock the vault and walk straight into goal like Freo but blew it with one loose disposal. Everything was going to change if they got that right.

In the early minutes we were, and this won't come as a surprise if you've been watching, getting forward but not looking remotely like taking advantage. The answer to how they were going to fit all of Gawn, van Rooyen, Petty and Turner into the same side was to make Turner the sub. Probably better than starting them all, and you'd like to think that there would have been a mystery late change if the rain continued, but how do you justify ditching the guy who has kicked goals recently for the one whose encouraging last start performance only existed because Maximum wasn't around, and still contained no hint of a glorious key forward career. Petty wasn't terrible here, no worse than most of the others anyway, and who knows if Turner would have made a difference but I just don't understand how you pick option A over B for any reason other than reward for signing a new contract. Even if he wins the Coleman Medal next year I don't see how you could draw a line back to this year's selection and claim playing him every week has been justifed.

If it remained a low-scoring strugglefest there would have been less TV viewers than people in the crowd by quarter time, so with nothing on offer for purists Chandler had to walk the boundary like a tightrope before kicking the first. That was nice, but like so many times this year you've got to get some the traditional way eventually. Maybe this is rampant confirmation bias, but we never seem to have any space inside 50. Still, the goals kept coming as against the run of play as you can get while still scoring five of the first six. I've never met a comfortable quarter time margin yet, but was absolutely convinced we wouldn't be able to back this up. Didn't need to as long as we lost the remaining three quarters by slightly less than this combined.

I was all for getting the points through excruciating tedium. No issue to me if the difference to last week was that Freo had forwards who could get the ball in acres of space. GWS didn't have much beyond our old friend (for once not sarcastically) Jesse Hogan, who started by rolling back the years and taking solid leading marks on the wing then not having anyone to aim the next kick at. The Giants social media people tried to fire up some excitement by pretending we had an issue with Hogan, not realising we're unconcerned about every ex-Demon they've had with one exception. He even did us a favour by getting in the way of a teammate booting the ball through an otherwise unguarded goal. So far, so "thanks for your service, but I'll take Steven May winning a flag with his hammy in tatters". Spoiler - he makes up for it later.

After conceding the first couple, Fritsch got an actual steadier but our forward structure had spontaneously combusted again. Because it's always the hope that kills you I take no comfort at getting a lot closer than expected. It just didn't feel like a serious finals side would be playing Billings, Laurie, Moniz-Wakefield, Petty as a forward, and Woewodin in the same side, with Turner as a Schache in September style weird sub. None of them were disgraced, and nobody would have expected Bowey to have the run he did when entering the team in 2021, but having to play them all is too much of a disruption to the system. In pre-season posts I said the thing that most scared me about this year was an injury crisis, and other than Spargo playing once then never being seen again, we got away with it for a while. But between Petracca KIA, Gawn WIA and Brown MIA we've been on life support for a while and the doctors are now shaking their heads and searching for next of kin details.

The course of history may have been altered (temporarily anyway) if JVR hadn't missed a shot almost straight after their open goal obstruction blunder. Instead, we didn't kick another before half time and the Giants were now taking full advantage of having players dotted over the vast, open landscape. Not only couldn't we stop it, they were dragging Lever and May so far up the ground that both looked as likely to kick a goal as any of the actual forwards. Didn't help us when the ball the other way and a dozen kents were standing in line waiting for their number to be called. 

Yet we remained 'in it' (actually, not really morally) until three quarter. It didn't help when Toby Greene goalled via throwing himself into a tackle human cannonball style, but it's hard to get offended after May's shenanigans against North. And good luck to Greene for getting in position to rort a free, we'd have already had the ball hoofed in the other direction never to be seen again.

You can wear take a couple of unlucky goals until scoring dries up at the other end, and by the last change we'd followed our encouraging but slightly unbelievable five goal opener with three more. 

We've lost while being boring before, but usually there's a great individual performance you can emotionally rally around. I'm open to the idea of reloading for another go next year, but for now this felt like death. Even when we grabbed the lead back near three quarter time it felt like such a struggle to get anything done that you couldn't imagine outscoring them in the last. Then a few seconds later they were easily going out of the middle (get used to that), got the reply, and I may never have been flatter while being so close to a team higher on the ladder at that stage of a game.

If there was any potential for Hollywood magic left in this season, another out of the box last quarter that people would have regretted not seeing live would have been a good start. Instead, the game, evening, and season went straight into the bin via a reverse Mad Minute set up by us reverting to last week's clearance free midfielding. If Gawn was in double digits fitness I'll be surprised, and even though he'd clearly helped . Rivers had a lot of it at the start, Oliver in the middle, and Viney had been around the mark all night, but by this point it looked like an ironic reverse of the ludicrous 12 goal final quarter game of 2013. 

Even better that all those goals had been played before the game, featuring Michael Evans having the time of his life, Gawn booting the ball into somebody wearing a comedy wig, and Anthony Hudson's bombshell prediction that Melbourne fans will be enjoying Jeremy Howe for years to come. Now only one team looked like winning in a landslide, and we didn't have the excuse of being a second year side full of kids and placeholder veterans.

One common denominator between 2013 GWS and 2024 Melbourne was a former premiership coach standing on the sidelines watching the best years of their coaching life slip away. In fairness to Goodwin, he had just spent three nights in hospital and was due to return for more treatment but I doubt anyone would have blamed him for doing like the majority of fans and staying home for the night. Sadly there was no chance of the long-awaited Choke Yourself With A Tie Coaches Melbourne scenario, and Andrew McQualter was next cab off the rank. I picture him looking over at the next bed and seeing Christian Petracca being wheeled out for his latest internal organ removal.

By now I was just happy to get a couple of goals to make sure it stopped them piling any more on, so when van Rooyen plucked a throw-in for one I wasn't really moved. Likewise when Chandler made it less than three kicks with seven minutes left. He was excited, and so he should have been, but it was all too little too late. Regardless of nearly pulling this off, and despite the final margin we didn't go anywhere near having a chance to win, I'd have bet on play stopped due acid rain before us coming back to win. The people around me were getting into it, as was their right, but I was still sitting there being a miserable bastard.

Remember the time Kynan Brown came off the bench to save the game with a massive tackle? Well, GWS didn't even bother to use their sub but there was another crucial run-down tackle in the middle of the ground. This time it was Neal-Bullen, nearly four quarters of hard running in, trying to work out which uninspiring target he could make it to, and being caught before he could make it somebody else's concern. 

One fan went straight back to the MFC Frustration Archive and ranted about him being no good, which is a bit rude about one of the few players to improve this year but I'll treat it as a desparation whinge. Better than the dickhead who was trying to retire Gawn, who had made a pretty good effort of playing half dead. Experiment failed, not sitting people again without headphones again.

It wasn't until Pickett kicked the next one that I caved in and checked how much time was left. We didn't deserve to win, and it would have left a false impression about how sludgy this performance was, but I'd have taken it. Still didn't remotely believe it was going to happen, even when Neal-Bullen made the margin less than a kick. His snap raised the prospect of comedy theft. I was already refusing to get excited under the 'why has it come to this' rule, and the vigorous claims of defenders to have touched it + the Bullet's extensive history of losing to "they look at everything" reviews had me expecting it to be taken away. I wasn't convinced it would count until the game started again, about 0.5 seconds before we incinerated our best chance of snatching it.

If there was ever a time for somebody to get the ball from the middle, or at the very least hold it up for another stoppage, this was it. Instead Max hit it into a Demonless void and off it went down the GWS end. I'd been fatalistic about losing for 20 minutes but this made me crack the shits a bit. Maybe they were all expecting a do-over, after the umpires had been so bad at bouncing that one eventually got self-conscious and started throwing it up instead. I won't have any theories that we lost this due to umpires but a few of them were odd. One recalled a rare bounce that went pretty much straight up and both ruckmen were contesting, and there was a goal umpire overly keen on patrolling the square and trying to talk to players who had absolutely no interest in him. No idea if he was trying to make friends or issue vital instructions but either way he could have been threatening to burn their houses down and nobody would have reacted.

The quick forward entry worked in our favour this time, because the Giants didn't have enough time to create gaping holes and patiently wait for their turn at marking. We even escaped, and for the merest second looked like bursting down the other end and making it interesting. Then we didn't and time ran out, but it never should have been that close anyway. 

Wouldn't have argued with a win, especially with almost every other result this weekend going against us, but it would only have prolonged the agony for another week. The season is stuffed, and the only way I'll can end it without being bitter is Collingwood and Essendon going down with us.

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Clayton Oliver
4 - Jack Viney
3 - Trent Rivers
2 - Jake Lever
1 - Judd McVee

Apologies to anyone who turned up.

Leaderboard
Nothing says 'tedious end to the year' like the leaders missing out again. No change in anything except - fittingly - the mid-table spots. Blah. We haven't had a winner score less than 50 in a full length season since Oliver's 35 in 2017, and with an extra home and away game that's almost certain now.

37 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
27 - Steven May (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
23 - Alex Neal-Bullen, Christian Petracca
20 - Jake Lever, Jack Viney
16 - Trent Rivers
15 - Judd McVee
14 - Kysaiah Pickett
13 - Jacob van Rooyen
11 - Ed Langdon, Clayton Oliver
9 - Tom McDonald
6 - Caleb Windsor (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
4 - Jack Billings, Bayley Fritsch, Harrison Petty, Christian Salem, Tom Sparrow, Adam Tomlinson
3 - Jake Melksham, Daniel Turner
2 - Kade Chandler
1 - Blake Howes

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
If somebody had plucked one from their arse at the end they'd have won by default, but instead the Chandler opener wins by default.

1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong

Crowd Watch
I'm not the target market for matchday entertainment, and haven't felt strongly about it since the great Match The Emoji incident, but was more outraged than the footy by the adult simpleton who horned in on the glory of the kid who was bringing the house down with air guitar antics.   

Next week
Remember back to the glory days of Round 1B (Get stuffed Opening Round), when we needed a boost after the lifeless loss to Sydney and got it by treating Footscray like second rate citizens? Well via several ups and downs they're not much better off than us on the ladder, but have a far healthier percentage, better form, and will start heavy favourites to put us out of our misery next week. Casey kicked a shit score and lost, but they had the excuse of playing in actual bucketing round, at a ground with no sides. Kynan Brown only had seven tackles this time instead of 21 so they'll probably delist him on Tuesday morning. Otherwise, Sparrow did well but I'm satisfied leaving him out for another week won't kill us, Fullarton had a lot of touches but having not seen a cracker of the game I'll assume they didn't satisfy the requirements of the people who recruited him in the first place.

So, there's nobody I really want to pick and several who I'd drop willingly. I'm not even being wacky on Petty anymore, it's good that he's shown a bit of form the last few weeks but so has Turner and you can't have them both at the moment. Pick one, go with it, and if you're desperate to make them an Odd Couple style double act next year then you've got summer to a) show them how, and b) break the news gently to van Rooyen that he'll be doing it almost all on his own again in 2025. Change whatever you want, it won't help. Dogs by plenty.

IN: Turner, K. Brown
OUT: Billings, Petty (omit)
LUCKY: Laurie, Woewodin
UNLUCKY: Sparrow, Always Tomlinson.

The All New Bradbury Plan...
Is suspended because of our failure to participate.

Final thoughts
I've been a fool to hold onto hope of a miracle for so long. Never again. Back to total misery between January 1 and December 31. Unless we win next week, then I'll crumble like a hopeless addict and start wondering 'what if?' for a few more days until the next reality check arrives.

The loudest sound was barrels being scraped

Optimism has got me nowhere this season, but when offering to buy a ticket and take the ride for the remainder of 2024 I obviously missed the fine print about the next stop involving a crash landing. We pulled up enough to avoid the 'plane vs mountain' fatality that this looked like becoming at times, but it turns out that our last start debacle against the Dockers was no fluke. And the one before that, and the one that ended the greatest winning of streak of our lives.

Unlike the Ross Lyon torture era, this version of Freo doesn't get off on holding us to the lowest possible score, they're fine to concede a few token goals and balance the ledger with swashbuckling coast-to-coast moves that end with somebody booting one through an unguarded square. I've got no idea how we didn't lose by more when we defended across the ground like a poker machine that paid massive jackpots every few minutes. 

In another landmark for the 'feels like' score, it makes no sense that we got out of this several goals better off than Alice Springs but it's almost impossible to find highlights. Back then we had the false alarm start, and the even falser alarm of McDonald showing the forwards how things were done by kicking two goals. This was an experience completely devoid of joy, right down to finding out that Nathan Jones' role at Channel 7 is to represent the demographic of people who find Brian Taylor funny.

Sure we had a couple of token goalkicking runs when the game was long dead, and we kicked a score that's won us games in the last couple of years but otherwise this was the purest, drizzling sewage smelling misery that you'll ever get while improving on your margin of defeat from earlier in the season.

I certainly don't intend to go into any serious depth about this, because what is there to discuss except the opposition navigating around us so easily that they should be holding a Royal Commission about only kicking 17 goals. There's also the actual record-breaking pulverisation of a once great midfield. Talk about us lacking killer instinct, Troy's brother should be upset that they didn't turn this into like 186 part two. No team has had less clearances in a half since Champion Data started tracking the stat (and imagine some of the putrid operations that takes in?), and apparently what you can get away with in pissing rain, at home, against flaky side, doesn't translate to try weather and opposition tripping over their own feet at every opportunity.

This was one of those games that you could sense was going to be very bad very early. I'll be bringing Carlton 2024 up for years as an example of when we didn't play that badly but conceded a huge first quarter score, and this was the reverse. It's not quite right to say we were trailing in their dust from the first bounce, because we did have the first half-arsed inside 50 of the game. Like Brisbane all over again, the usual dickhead commentator declared how well we'd started within the 30 seconds, only for the other side to whop on a string of quick goals almost immediately after. I bet he's the sort of person to scoff at climate change when it's a touch chilly once in November.

From there the first quarter is a blur of Freo players returning everything we did like they were hitting the ball with pinball flippers. Our backline had an absolute nightmare, including Lever probably having his worst game for us since debut, but I'll give them credit for some heroic defensive acts against a barrage of attack. None of them rate in the default list of top players, but feel free to imagine what would have happened if some of the lesser lights of our past had been down there? Given how the midfield and forward line were doing, all this needed was Gillies and Terlich and it would have been the interstate 148.

In our last meeting the team who conceded two easy goals at the start nearly ended the day raising their bat, but that was blatantly no chance of happening again here. Remember how there was a bit in that game where Freo were going so easily into an open goal that they got a bit dazzled and stuffed it up? I think this was the four quarter equivalent, where they had so many free players running towards goal without an opponent that they didn't know which one to kick to. 

It defies all logic and good sense that we were only 21 points down at quarter time. At that stage I wasn't confident we'd even reach a total of 21, and unless a cyclone swept across the ground it wasn't going to become the sort of arm-wrestle slog that helped us win last week. Stranger things have happened to us, especially on this ground, but I'd have bet all my vital organs against a comeback unless a mass casualty event took half their side out. They lost one player to injury, but as he was a defender playing against a barely one-man forward line it made absolutely no difference whatsoever.

Even with the worst 'lowest tactical knowledge to word count' ratio in footy, I could tell that the ruck situation would be a debacle. Blind Freddy hasn't had this much of a run since Brock McLean spilt the tanking beans but it didn't need to be fatal. After all, haven't we come to the conclusion that hitouts are bullshit? Well yes, if they don't proceed directly to players running full pelt out of the contest with nobody in catching range. And we should know better than anyone that the true value of a ruckman is what they do around the ground. In that case, Freo had all of the above covered, with the added bonus of the guy who used to play for us doing enough forward to make you bitter and twisted that he chose a life of flying from one side of the country over staying here.

In one of the great pieces of unnecessary footy honesty, Goodwin later admitted that he was forced into this because "we haven't got a ruckman who will win hitouts when Max doesn't play". Which may be true, but does rather expose the minor flaw in their strategy of NOT RECRUITING SOMEBODY ELSE WHO CAN. What were you going to do if Gawn fell over in Round 3? I think it's justified applying the prefix 'Poor Old' to any mention of Tom Fullarton now, because after toiling away in the VFL all season he's not only been overlooked when Gawn was injured, but gets spoken about like the work experience kid. He did make the extended squad though, so can sleep comfortably knowing he was at least considered to be the patsy who got jumped over all day. I'm sure he'd have loved to play AFL again, but there had to be a moment mid-mauling where POTF was thinking "Shit, I've dodged a bullet here".

Where were the other great backup ruckmen of the Gawn era when we needed them? The Spencil, Braydon Preuss, Majak Daw, all surplus to requirements while the great man was going bananas but long gone by the time they'd be racking up free games galore. I'm not having this as an excuse to whinge about trading Grundy, because by the time he was required we'd have had four months of distraction as he toiled away on slagheap VFL grounds. Nobody is going to replace Gawn, but parking somebody who's done this before on the rookie list would have been a safeguard. The idea was there, because Scott Lycett passed a medical before either deciding he CBF, or we opted for the guy who not only apparently can't do hitouts but doesn't bring enough else to compensate. Remember when we lost a final to Brisbane with him in the team? Unfortunately I do, but still had NFI who he was until we traded for him. And may never find out more at this rate.

Instead, the poison chalice role largely went to Harrison Petty again, and he had as much of a go as possible on what was basically a sporting suicide mission. The result was exactly as you'd expect but when he wasn't been flogged in a job he's not trained in or suited for, this was one of his better games for the season. A couple of times he wandered into defence and did something that made me upset at how violently we've tried to ram square peg into round hole this year. Tom McDonald has done a bang up job as a backman this year, and did end 2023 looking unlikely to ever kick another goal but not even trying them in reverse once is a disservice to everyone. Now McDonald has a more experienced van Rooyen for company, and after a day where our backline was absolutely rooted it's never too early to start playing Petty where he belongs in preparation for when May eventually departs.

It should be noted that Petty did finally kick another goal, even if it started because he just happened to be in the right spot to mark a panic kick. But they all count, especially in a game like this. In one of the all-time weirdest contract extension reveals, the news of him staying came about 30 minutes after we'd finished being torn apart. Maybe he had a contract trigger that required converting one more set shot and he's been waiting to trigger it ever since the "we're back" Geelong game which was followed by the "oh, no we're not" games.

The prospect of a piss funny recovery was briefly on the cards when Windsor soccered a goal through to start the second quarter. It came after our first clearance, leaving us with the rare 100% clearance to goal efficiency. It was a nice finish, but showed how we had to rely on novelty goals because there was no chance of getting a real one. You can't question the intent of Melksham and Pickett, but what's the point if the ball can't get over halfway in the first place, and if they can't keep it then it'll be down the other end seconds later. This was a Microsoft-esque failing of The System in all parts of the ground.

Once things got a bit loose they let Chandler and van Rooyen kick a couple each - and I've got nothing but appreciation for JVR's efforts amongst a group that were playing like they'd been dragged into a sinkhole - but the rare times we got the ball over halfway there were similarities to Carlton counter-atacking us into oblivion. Related note - is it time to start worrying about Fritsch yet? He's had a few good games against lowly teams but shows none of the old ability to change a game on his own. The good news for him is that selection integrity doesn't exist in our forward line so he could pull out a deckchair in the goalsquare and not get dropped. And who are you going to replace him with anyway? Once the season is confirmed cactus they can bring in anyone from Shane McAdam to a randomly selected member for all I care.

If you thought the Windsor goal would change things, and I was just happy to have one on the board, you were sadly wrong. The beatings continued and morale did not improve. It was so ludicrously easy that I shot straight past anger and into acceptance. It's easy to say that after they rejected the invitation to flog us, and had we conceded the last 10 goals I might have returned to thermonuclear rage. That wasn't required, as we covered up the margin enough that even though everyone knows it was a putrid performance, it lacked the big bang that would leave all the heat on us. That might have helped, siege mentality is about the only thing that has inspired us all year.

Late in the second quarter JVR overcame the handicap of his teammates ceasing to exist and kicked two goals in a row. Somehow, despite nearly half a game running of around like headless chickens this had the margin well within range approaching the break and... oh never mind there's a Freo player running back into space and kicking a goal after the siren. Before that the margin was still only a comically generous 24 points but I still can't picture a scenario where we'd have overcome that margin. As shown in the second half we're capable of brief scoring sprees, the problem is conceding by the truckload when the ball goes the other way. Compare this to Brisbane, where we were jumped, but held together reasonably well defensively for the rest of the game. This was MFC Defensive Open Day with free gifts for anyone who showed up wearing purple.

It's fashionable to treat Simon Goodwin like Joe Biden, and he did a lot of standing around looking baffled after half time. When things were going tits up earlier Jake Lever took a mystery phone call from somebody else then went back to being jumped on, and whatever plan the old match committee came up with at half time didn't fare much better. Given the chance to reload and come at this from a different angle we lasted two minutes before handing them a goal, then another, both to somebody called Amiss. As her from Seinfeld said, something's missing alright.

During the week this page was described in the press as "part confessional", and I would like to confess to not giving a rats about the rest of this game. Of course I watched it, but was open to any distraction. Meanwhile Freo kept piling on goals with the greatest of ease and once they had four goals from five inside 50s it looked like the epic rooting they morally should have set up in the first quarter was now on the way.

Our performance was flatter than a plateful of piss to the point where I should outsource the votes to AI so the computer will be to blame. Nobody deserves a cracker, but against the odds old Resting Terrified Face himself Jack Billings was the most effective mid-disaster substitution since Matthew Bate escaped 186 with about 75 on him. It's like being in the top row of people getting buried alive but for time on ground he was one of our better players. I'd dispute his future value to the team, but thought I'd check in with Casey on Saturday and turned on to find them getting thrashed by a standalone side so replacements may be in short supply. So we're probably stuck with him, and for everyone's sake I hope he can have this much influence across full games.

The only way you'll ever get a genuine 'tactical' sub around here is during a thrashing, and of all the people who could have done with the withdrawal method, the sacrificial lamb was Tholstrup. He shouldn't feel bad about doing sod all after a few promising weeks, but clearly did because he was pictured cracking the shits on the bench. Good for him, he'd have been all fired up for a first game in his home state in front of family and friends, so being yanked out with the novelty size hook would have been a downer. I was all for the passion, despite Luke Darcy trying to play it up like a tear-jerking human interest story where he'd simultaneously been subbed out and diagnosed with polio.

Just when things looked like going full debacle we had our best period of the game, not kicking goals from a bunch of inside 50s but avoiding them being converted to warp speed scores at the other end. Eventually Chandler got two in a row, and Petty's goal at the end left us well within range of the most underserved comeback in two months. The difference is Carlton had to contend with a game-changing forward cameo from Christian Petracca, this time the cupboard was empty. I might have warmed to the prospect of something wacky happening if JVR converted his shot at the start of the last quarter, but after a few more minutes of fruitless, sad attack, Freo got what doesn't deserve to be called a steadier and were away again.

In a sad attempt to hold viewers until the news, the commentators were acting like the game was precariously in the balance while we were six goals down midway through the last quarter. No sensible person was falling for the idea that the Dockers could lose, especially the Dockers themselves, and they soon shut that rubbish down. We made it look a little better for the historical record with last minute junk time goals but there's no way to spin this performance as anything but a disaster. The missing players are an excuse for losing, not for being obliterated from one end of the ground to the other.

Somehow we're not at 'evacuation of Saigon' stage yet. Freo have dedicated themselves to beating us like we stole something at every opportunity but there's 16 other sides yet to join in so I'm holding onto the merest scrap of hope that a spark will go off at just the right time. With our luck this year it'll ignite a gas leak.

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jacob van Rooyen
4 - Ed Langdon
3 - Jack Billings
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Trent Rivers

Leaderboard
The dire situation at the top of the leaderboard continues, setting a new record where none of the top eight got a vote this week. Obviously no change in any awards, but if you'd like an indication of how weird this season has been - Billings, Petty and Tomlinson have had all sorts challenges this year but have ended up on the same total as Fritsch, Salem and Sparrow. What a time (for your season) to be (somewhat) alive.  

37 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
27 - Steven May (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
23 - Alex Neal-Bullen, Christian Petracca
18 - Jake Lever
16 - Jack Viney
14 - Judd McVee, Kysaiah Pickett
13 - Trent Rivers, Jacob van Rooyen
11 - Ed Langdon, Clayton Oliver
9 - Tom McDonald
6 - Caleb Windsor (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
4 - Jack Billings, Bayley Fritsch, Harrison Petty, Christian Salem, Tom Sparrow, Adam Tomlinson
3 - Jake Melksham, Daniel Turner
2 - Kade Chandler
1 - Blake Howes

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
By the most significant default of all time, it's Windsor off the ground in the second quarter. Good for him, but no change to the standings.   

1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong

Next week
First thought about playing GWS at home next week is that we should unleash selection hell and drop everyone. Then I remembered how Casey went, so perhaps not. However, the five minute man Kynan Brown sloshed his way to 24 tackles (!!!) so we'd be full arseholes not to reward that. Top eight side AFL midfielders aren't as easy to grab hold of, but just getting within the same area code would be a step up from Sunday. Team balance my hat, he can (indirectly) replace Salem, whose minor injury is a good smokescreen for giving him a week off after doing not much this season.

The midfield question is still relevant if Gawn comes back. He'll help guard against Mad Minute style express exits from stoppages, but pressure at ground level is still key. Not saying Brown is a starting midfielder at this extremely early stage of his career but another option would be good. And if Maximum doesn't come back then may god have mercy on us all. If GWS ruckman don't have the surname Preuss then I don't care, but this article tells me their incumbent is the only one in the competition better at getting the famous 'hard ball gets'. So forget not being able to win hitouts, just wait for him to grab it out of the air and jump on him. At which point seven players will be hanging off him as a handball lands with a teammate in acres of space, cartwheeling towards goal.

Assuming Gawn is fit, what does that mean for Petty? Even after this game there's no argument that Melksham has improved our forward line, and none of the usual key backmen is going anywhere. They're just going to jam him back inside the forward 50 and hope for the best aren't they? Bold strategy, let's see etc.. etc.. I understand there's no way he gets dropped after signing a new contract but if he's not playing as a backman I'm not interested.

There's a big difference to changes I want, and what I know will happen. See also the near certainty of Billings starting and Tholstrup either being sub or getting the arse.

Will assume we're going to lose so it doesn't come as a surprise. I'm expecting a family and friends crowd, but the ones who do turn up to crack the shits big time if this goes teet up.

IN: K. Brown, Gawn
OUT: Petty (omit), Salem (inj)
LUCKY: Bowey, Fritsch, Sparrow, Tholstrup
UNLUCKY: Poor Old Tom Fullarton, Tomlinson, Woewodin

The All New Bradbury Plan...
Almost tempted to shut the gate on this under the "if they're not trying, why should I?" rule. But if we'd only lost this game by a point there'd be none of that sooking so let's press on for another week. There's something in every game for Bradbury players, even if some are less likely than us winning a first quarter clearance.

Port Adelaide d. Carlton
North Melbourne d. Geelong
Brisbane d. Gold Coast (could be something for us the other way, but better to demoralise the team we've still got to play)
St. Kilda d. Essendon
West Coast d. Fremantle
Richmond d. Collingwood
Sydney d. Footscray
Adelaide d. Hawthorn

Final thoughts
Things aren't looking good for my much-vaunted Hollywood ending, but it could still happen. Time is running out for legal technicalities to get Joel Smith back in the side, and even if medical science/somebody realising they had their finger over the scan clears Angus Brayshaw to return we've filled his spot on the list, BUT still available angles include - the tearful May/Melksham reunion on the dais, Oliver winning the Norm Smith and Goodwin getting to do his speech this time. Now we've got an extra storyline to make the finish even more exciting, a Grand Final against Freo that everyone expects us to lose based on recent results, before we reinvigorate the spirit of Round 1, 2021, beat them on the MCG. 

I we'll get the chance to fade to black over footage of fans going berzerk before being invited to the Academy Awards, but just in case I'm putting it on record that the rights to the story in every format are mine.

Commotion in the ocean

Our season has never been better than the night we beat Geelong by boring the piss out of everyone. Lovers of spectacle, avert your eyes because the 'tedious but effective' method has returned just in time to keep our season alive. The original was pure defensive malice, with karma kicking us in the crack via a scoreless first quarter the next week, but this time we've got regularly pelting rain as an excuse for not putting on a replay of the 1989 Grand Final. 

After the usual review period nobody's ever going to watch this game in full again, in the short(?)/long term absence of Gawn and Petracca it was just what we needed. Wankers and Channel 7 executives can complain about the 'how', this was light years ahead of falling over the line against North. The last few minutes were both literally and metaphorically damp but after 90 seconds of "surely we're not going to stuff this up" we didn't, and are firmly back in the mix to go out in single sets. 

Nobody comes here for the rigorous football analysis, but it's been a while since I watched a game in such a disjointed rush so apologies if anything interesting doesn't get a mention. The second half was a bit more stable, but I started the game watching on a 20 minute delay and having to catch up by a certain time. This required old watching on a phone classics like pressing the Kayo +15 second button three times after a goal, once at stoppages, and a lot in quick succession at quarter time. 

Normal people would have just accepted missing five minutes of play, but I might have fallen down the footy nuff ladder but am not at that stage yet. Could've listened to the radio, but am still recovering from having to follow Footscray 2005 like that so it's best for the community if I don't Demon and Drive. 

By midway through the second I was so far behind that extreme moves like pressing skip at kick-ins and during defensive switches had to be wheeled out. If you've never followed a game that you're heavily emotionally invested in like this, I recommend trying it at least once. There's no breathing space for relaxing and contemplating what's going on, just an all-out information assault that will leave your head spinning. The problem is that you've got no time to take in what just happened before the next thing, so the game ends up as a big blur where you remember the major angles but not always in the correct order.

After kicking our highest score of the year a week earlier, albeit against players who CBF lifting their arms on the mark and a coach who was about to get the arse, I thought they might temporarily detach from the Petty forward fantasy and rotate him out for a couple of weeks. Even after the Gawn injury, it was generally accepted that we'd pick the only player on the list close to meeting the definition of 'experienced ruckman'. Instead, Tom Fullarton was sent to Casey to argue with Tom Linson about who's been unluckier this year, while the great survivor was immediately rushed back to play a role he had no qualification for other than having a large frame. 

I wouldn't exactly say it 'worked', and I'll be horrified if we try to cover Maximum's entire absence with him, but we won so I'm happy to play along with the idea that the move somehow contributed. Bad news for everyone who reacted to the selection like [insert off-colour allusion to recent political violence]. It didn't fill me with joy - and again I'll note that the best Petty looked all night was when he wandered into the defensive 50 - but given that I was ready to set myself on fire in the middle of Brunton Avenue if he was picked at full forward, my Thursday night circa 6.20pm could have been worse. 

NFI if these ratings are trustworthy or the equivalent of inside 50s, hitouts, and "if they'd kicked 10.1 instead of 1.10 they'd have won", but while Petty may be the fifth lowest ranked played in the competition (10+ games department) he's got one teammate below him. To be fair to Taj Woewodin, it's not easy to rack up fictional footy points when you're usually sat on the bench for three quarters thinking how shit it's going to be playing a few minutes, running laps of an empty stadium, then having to back up for some bullshit VFL game the next day. 

Because Demonwiki has been in such massive disarray (and more on that later) I've been slack following milestones, but Woewodin is involved in all sort of sub records this year. He becomes the first modern MFC player to come on 10 times in a season (previous leader - Aaron Davey with seven in 2013), equals Toby Bedford for most times named sub in one year, and goes beyond James Jordon for the most 'activated' (*spit*) player. I'm sure he's happy to be involved at senior level but it must be strange turning up every week to find out you'll be in a tracksuit doing fark all for most of the night. Could always be worse, the unrealistic "why didn't we keep Grundy?" moaning during the week was a sad reminder of the time we preferred Schache as our finals sub then didn't bother using him.

Considering how our depth still feels paper thin we've got a few hard luck stories. Kynan Brown got about five minutes of senior footy before being dismissed, and Matthew Jefferson was probably on the verge of getting a "what's the worst that could happen?" before Jake Melksham rose from the dead to - and let's be overly dramatic here - save our forward line. But there are positive stories, Koltyn Tholstrup not only gives off vibes of somebody who'll be shit hot with more experience but also has a fun habit of picking fights with the opposition, and Andy Moniz-Wakefield has come from the clouds to look comfortable at the top level. Who knows if any of these people will go on with it, but if you'd told me pre-season that Gawn would break a bone and Petracca would be getting dismantled one piece at a time I'd have wandered into oncoming traffic.

Even with some evidence that we're good in the wet, I'm still spooked by adverse conditions. Obviously it should suit a team that lives to win with low scores, but my mind goes straight to the massive debacles. Most recently, the one where we kept GWS to a pitiful score and lost with an even worse one. The mood was helped here by kicking what passes for us as a decent score, and the opposition literally going to water whenever it got seriously moist.

In another world I'd be saying "it started well... but", because the first few minutes was just us piling into the Essendon backline. Fritsch kicked the first inside a minute for I think the third time this season, which is odd considering how hot/cold he's run otherwise, and it came courtesy of a smart punch forward by Moniz-Wakefield. Their only early foray was a shithouse kick straight into the arms of a defender in acres of space, and we went forward again in a way that might have led you to thinking everything was going to be ok if we'd converted any of the chances. 

On a related note, I'm impressed at how well Fritsch's hair bounced back from the early soaking to regain full puffy volume. Things went badly for us shortly after, with their ruckman starting to realise he could have an all-time game against our pro-am division, and if it continued that way I'm sure somebody would have linked Fritsch to a half-time hairdrying and held it up as a sign of everything that's wrong with our club. I wouldn't care if players had a mid-match enema if it put them in the right frame of mind for the contest. 

By the time they'd kicked the next three goals it looked like we'd done our bolt and were going to ebb away to a sad defeat. Essendon's recovery got a bit of help from a trigger happy umpire who paid a 50 against Pickett for encroaching on the mark that was hotter than Mt. Vesuvius. I wouldn't have minded so much if they hadn't all but abolished holding the ball in the opening minutes and let players from both sides dispose of it however they liked. Later in the quarter we semi-evened the ledger with a deliberate out of bounds that caused Channel 7 to cut to a kid in the crowd doing his block a split second before he threw the double middle fingers like he was Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hopefully when special commenter Nathan Jones said "I don't like that" he was referring to the ill-manned little bastard and not the decision.

The third goal was the one that made me nervously adjust my collar and start mentally preparing for disappointment. I can understand the backline being caught out of position if there's a surprise turnover in the middle of the ground, but it came towards them at a moderate pace here and god knows where anybody was. It was the footy equivalent of John Travolta walking into a room and wondering where everyone was. They proceeded to chip around to free range players before finding somebody standing directly in front and I thought was having the same reaction as the angry child - sans bird - while sitting in my car, pulled over to the side of the road in a generic suburban street. Thank god nobody walked past at that point or they'd have called police. 

It was bad enough watching this on a screen where you only realised the escalating doom of how many players were on their own inside 50 as the camera panned, imagine watching that unfold from Row MM, you'd have piffed an object down the stairs. Thank god it was a false alarm, because from there until the last few minutes Essendon was so inept in attack that they'd have got better value parachuting our old pal The Weid in and hoping for the Brent Grgic style 'only good game against his old side'. I'm a year late to finding out that he kicked five in a game last year, but am happy to see it was against Geelong again.

No apologies for any of the issues I've had with the forward line, but I'd like to revisit the bit about how you can have one of Turner or Petty, and say that I'd very much like the former. Not only did he put on a perfect lead for the second goal, but he kicked the cover off a wet ball in a way that suggested that getting him space instead of expecting pack marks of panic kicks may = profit. It also helps when the opposition don't know exactly who you're going to kick it to the moment ball leaves boot. Refer again to Weideman, and the time we reacted to the most consistent stretch of his career by dropping Tom McDonald, leaving absolutely no doubt as to where the ball was going with obvious results. Now they're both defenders, but while McSizzle is reliving his finest days in the backline, Weid hasn't played a game all year so sorry about that.

I assume the stripes on Essendon's clash jumper that made it look like they'd been run over by a car is related to their car company sponsorship, and this was relevant to their performance for the next two quarters. Old mate ruckman was still having the time of his life, but it wasn't as relevant when we had the rest of them well under control. It still felt a bit generous to be within a point at quarter time, courtesy of a late joint enterprise holding the ball/goal by Fritsch, Tholstrup and Pickett, but now that we'd survived the early scare without conceding again I was open to good times again. 

Still worried about how we'd kick a winning score, but the best way to neutralise that threat is to stop the other lot from kicking goals. Not to mention - and I know this might feel unfamiliar - getting some yourself. Cue a very good second quarter that I didn't get to properly enjoy due to watching it frantically like an ice addict. My degree of difficulty didn't nearly stack up to what the players went through when the rain started hammering down early in the second, but against everything I've grown up to believe this favoured us. Certainly helped stop their ruckman having any impact, even when allowed to motor around unchallenged for most of the game. 

Rivers got a lot of the plaudits for racking up possessions galore early in the game, but I very much enjoyed Langdon's best game for ages. He helped set up the second of the quarter, and Windsor finished it by hitting the NBA Jam turbo button and bolting through a pair of defenders, but the genius element was provided by Melksham, who trapped a loose ball, and delayed his opponent just long enough for his teammate to come past in express mode. 

The Milkshake has been through a lot of ups and downs since joining us, and has been written off several times by more astute judges than me, but christ on a bike either he's come back post-knee with a furious vengeance, or we just don't know what we've been missing over this season. He got our fifth out of the last six, but not before Brad Scott got material for his latest round of umpire whinging by Sparrow blatantly dropping the ball. I doubt he'll consider it a payoff for that 50 at the start. Ironically the twin who doesn't look a cult leader has ended up coaching a team followed by extremely cult-vunerable people.

And that was it for a while. For anyone, as either side of half time became the usual endurance test for neutral viewers. By now I was watching in real time from a secure indoor location so it was easy for me to want more hammering rain, because that's when we were the vastly better side. It took a bit of old school Pickett brilliance to get things going again, as he did a Matrix-style spin move through two opponents which unlocked that man Melksham standing on his own inside 50, and he generously handed off to Langdon for the tap in. Later in the quarter he did the most beautiful kick to Turner inside 50, and surely we'd have won a final somewhere last year if his knee hadn't crumpled.   

We're just as likely to turn this outburst of excitement into 4.14.39 as go on with it, but in the last weeks there's been genuine non-Pickett specific spark about our forward line game. There's still a chance for most elements of the much-vaunted Hollywood finish to the season, highlighted by Melksham and May playfully squaring up on the dais with premiership medallions around their neck before heading off to celebrate with a succulent French meal. I'm not holding out much hope of the 'Joel Smith gets off on a technicality and comes back to kick a bag' leg, but there's still time for Clayton Oliver to turn a season of struggle into the Norm Smith Medal. At quarter time he looked more likely to be ending the year in the VFL, but came good at the end. He's still nowhere near his best but who's in reserve that will do better? Best to stick with him and hope that either a) he takes the heat off others and/or b) reignites his sixth sense for ball getting and distributing at a crucial point of the season.

Essendon were being kept at arms' length, but no margin is enough the way our last quarters have gone recently. And who didn't think a 17 point lead was just a one point loss waiting to happen? I sure did when they got the first goal of the last quarter. They started playing 'death or glory' footy, and fortunately for us, the second part of the equation didn't start working until they were already dead. You can argue the last few minutes were a letdown, but once we'd survived their half-baked, late comeback the simple fact was that we'd finally put a team away early in the final term. More of that in future thanks.

Party time started with Melksham probably dropping the ball in a sea of Essendon defenders who were desperate to give the ball to us, then he skidded a goal through, causing some poor bastard to plow into the fence while trying to stop it. Earlier in the night the slide rule was invoked for one of our players tripping over an opponent and kicking him in the head, now I suppose we'll have to stick sandbags or inflatables around the ad boards in case a player collides with it. 

Further brutality was dished out over the next few minutes, including another great lead by Turner against a defender who had clearly run out of will to live, and before you knew it the margin was out to 41 points. This is where I did something silly and not only thought we were safe, but publicly admitted it just before a Bomber attack that had been tits on a bull useless since the first quarter belatedly turned up and started kicking goals at pace. 

With three minutes left it was back to where we'd started the quarter, with the very minimal chance of a Round 6, 1992 style implosion for the ages. One more would have made it really interesting, but despite the commentators fanging home drama with all their might we held on. Good.

Finishing the round inside the eight on percentage feels like a step down from the last few years, but there are no (allegedly) easy games left so holding position (or better?) will be deserved. It's the most mid-table mediocrity run-in you'll ever see, playing the teams currently in 5th, 7th, 10th, 9th, 11th and 12th. Last time we were in this position it ended in a tragic defeat at the hands of Collingwood which ultimately necked our season so let's not go through that again.

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Judd McVee
4 - Ed Langdon
3 - Jake Melksham
2 - Kysaiah Pickett
1 - Trent Rivers

Massive apologies to McDonald, varying degrees of apology to Fritsch, Neal-Bullen, Oliver (after quarter time), Turner and Windsor.

Leaderboard
I've got no time to trawl the archives but suspect that since this award started we've never had a game this late in the season where none of the top six polled. That's great news for Gawn, who can put his feet up for both medical and relaxation reasons while the all-important votes go elsewhere. There's 35 home and away votes left, so unless we play finals I'm afraid that it's for anyone who hasn't got going yet. If your September dreams are reinvigorated, adjust what's available by up to 20 based on how far you think we'll go.

37 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
27 - Steven May (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
23 - Alex Neal-Bullen, Christian Petracca
18 - Jake Lever
16 - Jack Viney
14 - Judd McVee, Kysaiah Pickett
12 - Trent Rivers
11 - Clayton Oliver
9 - Tom McDonald
8 - Jacob van Rooyen
7 - Ed Langdon, Tom McDonald
6 - Caleb Windsor (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
4 - Bayley Fritsch, Christian Salem, Tom Sparrow, Adam Tomlinson
3 - Jake Melksham, Daniel Turner
2 - Kade Chandler, Harrison Petty
1 - Jack Billings, Blake Howes

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Turner's Gawn tribute megabomb in the first quarter was good, but as a team effort you can't beat Melksham's marvellous handball and Windsor flying through like the bullet train Australia has never had. No change to the leaderboard.    

1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong

Next week
In the second part of our redemption tour of the WA teams, we attempt to avenge the peak shambles defeat against Fremantle in Alice Springs. I suggest not getting overly excited if we kick two early goals. Before the West Coast fiasco I'd have been rubbing my hands together in glee at returning to Premiership Stadium but now that spell has been broken I reserve the right to fret.

For the love of all that is holy surely they pick a proper ruckman this time. We got away with it against a one person operation, but I can't see any scenario featuring Petty vs Jackson and The Other One not ending in them running riot from coast to coast. If we're ever going to find out that Tom Fullarton is a real person this will be it. Didn't see a cracker of the VFL game but I'm led to understand by various internet lunatics that he was belted in the ruck and dropped marks but got (relatively) plenty of the ball around the ground. 

Ruck it, let's find out if he's any use so we can stop having this discussion every week. If it goes badly we might get our first one-and-done import since Moose Henwood. I'm open to Petty taking centre bounces then dropping back to where he belongs, but don't want to sacrifice JVR into having to do excess rucking, and am not convinced we'll get away with covering up via animal midfield intensity without the element of surprise.

Otherwise, mystical tactical changes or surprise injuries aside, we may as well roll with this group for another week and see what happens. Not sure Bowey and Moniz-Wakefield will eventually both be needed in the same side, but for now it frees Rivers up to play midfield so I'll buy that for a dollar. Looks like the only other serious contender from the Seconds is Laurie, and I'm open to waiting for the great leap forward with him but maybe not right not now. I note Ben Brown is alive and well so he could be a nice surprise option if things get interesting.

IN: Fullarton
OUT: Petty (omit)
LUCKY: Woewodin (he's already got our single season sub record, may as well set the bar ridiculously high)
UNLUCKY: K. Brown, Howes, Laurie, Tomlinson

The All New Bradbury Plan...
Due to the middle of the ladder becoming a deadly minefield some of these serving suggestions may alter based on other results. All things being equal let's go for...

Adelaide d. Essendon
Gold Coast d. GWS
Hawthorn vs Collingwood
Richmond d. Port Adelaide
Geelong d. Footscray (but I can see potential benefits the other way)
Sydney d. Brisbane
North Melbourne d. Carlton

... and West Coast vs St Kilda is your first confirmed useless game of 2024.

Administrative announcement
Remember the bit where I said Demonwiki was up and running again? Well, it is now but for the majority of the week it was in disarray. Restoring the full collection of images is proving trickier than expected, so there's half a chance I'll have to trawl through the archives are manually reintroduce them. That's not going to happen until I've got confirmation that uploading a picture won't cause catastrophic meltdown so hold tight. Design is also still weird, but anything purely related to text is doing well. 

Final thoughts
I won't look back on this fondly if we celebrate the 20th anniversary of their last finals win by helping deliver another one, but for now it was a slightly better version of last week's 'just what we needed' win. Still can't see us wobbling to within range of flag but am willing to buy a ticket and take the trip.

Warming up the engine

Not that footy fans are fickle, but the same secessionists who suffered fap-related chafing when the Eagles beat us last time are on the verge of revolution again. They haven't won a game since then, the local gutter press is foaming over players allegedly texting each other that they don't care for the coach anymore, and I say welcome to the stop/start world of rebuilding. Every other time West Coast has been shit since 1987 they've turned it around quickly, now they're following the more traditional path of suffering through wild mood swings before finally stringing things together. 

Don't know why I care so much/at all about how other fans feel, but impatient Eagles nutters can start a faction with their Port counterparts who thought they could finally sack Ken Hinkley before they won two in a row. Be more like Melbourne fans, some who wanted to oust Goodwin before we'd lost another game post-flag. That element would have gone off their collective tits if we'd lost here, and not without some justification. I'm of the opinion that Goodwin's not getting the boot anytime soon unless Glenn Bartlett unveils hidden camera footage of him doing something remarkable, so there's no point ruining the vibe of the place by seriously debating it.

Adjust your enjoyment level as required for quality of the opposition, but we did the most important thing here and won comfortably by kicking a decent score. In a season with nightmare ladder predictor scenarios featuring us having to beat Collingwood by a particular margin in the last game, turning a hot start into a massive win would have been nice but I'm happy just to pocket premiership points and look hopefully to the future.

On the rare occasion of being able to attend consecutive home games, I decided to check in with the faithful and have my once a year crack at the Redlegs area. It's not like the guaranteed Grand Final ticket will be relevant so may as well get something out of my premium membership. This worked well, because after realising they could save a buck by closing the Ponsford Stand last time, the cheap bastards at the MCG went all-in on cost saving by necking the Ponsford too.

There's been no improvement in Redlegs visitor standards, with dickheads still allowed to attend in the colours of different teams. I don't sit there enough to demand a no guest pass policy, but would support turning away anyone in non-MFC merch. This time there were people in North and Richmond jumpers, both keen waiting to start chanting "one of us, one of us" if we lost. Also somebody responded to an Eagles goal by yelling "boo na na! boo na na!" like BT and should have been thrown at terminal velocity towards level one regardless of his team.

Even though the Eagles hadn't fired a shot since beating us, I went into this terrified of a humiliating home loss. Fretting is just what I do, but in this case it wasn't required. Usually you can't win by playing one quarter, except when it's against shite opposition who have had their season highlights and are now searching for the finish line. See, for example, us in 2014 after the Essendon win. The "we're back" boost runs out after a couple of weeks, you have a close loss, and the rest of the season is one big dead rubber while you look forward to what 'the kids' will do next year and start mentally delisting placeholder fringe players.

Long-term nervous conditions aside, everything pointed to a performance vastly improved from the half-baked shit sandwich served up against the Eagles last time. Other than the absence of Petracca, and Lever not being assassinated in the first quarter, the big difference was the return of Jake Melksham. It seemed like a wild move to send a recovering knee victim straight into the seniors without a VFL warmup game but as if they haven't been training him to match fitness in recent weeks, and he's experienced enough to know what he's doing without going through a reminder at some dogshit stained suburban ground.

It's ironic that Petty finally got enough touches to kick 0.4 last week, just in time to get injured. The Milkshake is a different type of player, but with the key difference of knowing how to be a forward. He's had a complicated career with us, written off multiple times, and all but finished midway through last year before a well-received revival that ended in an innocuous looking ACL explosion. Now, after a season of always looking one forward short he's seen as a potential game-changer because all the other options are either too young, too hurt, or too much better suited to playing at the other end.

I need more evidence against better opposition, but our attack looked significantly improved by his entry. It helped that for two and a half quarters van Rooyen looked like he'd reached the point where he no longer needs an older key forward to take the focus off him, and may be ready to be the clear #1 choice. Now watch him kick 0.0 next week.

Even if this season goes tits up, it's not like we're clinging on by our fingernails and about to hit another 2007 and beyond death spiral. Against the odds we've even seen benefits from the Petracca scandal. I'd rather him out there, not suffering from a range of issues that now includes appendicitis and can't be far from typhoid, but it's forcing us to do different things. You'd like to think Rivers would have been playing more in the midfield anyway, and Tholstrup would be getting senior games by now, but with our selection policy I'm not so sure.

For the second week in a row, the best highlights came from a few unstoppable minutes. This time we weren't having to overturn a deficit, and in all fairness the opposition wasn't much chop. It's hard to understand how we played so badly against them last time, but Lever surviving without getting his head kicked off sure helped. Neither he or May were at their best, but in conjunction with a really good game by McSizzle, they took care of more inside 50s than the margin would suggest.

My greatest fear was, as always, doing most things right but losing/nearly losing by kicking a shit score. Cue slight internal distress when two minutes of early attack delivered nowt but Pickett snapping out on the full from an angle where that would have been harder to do than score. 

After weathering the early storm, West Coast's first attack fell apart due to a horrific blunder but we countered by failing to capitalise and soon they were lining up a set shot. I have no earthly idea how we ended this quarter with so many goals. Botchamania continued when they failed to get anything, leading to Tholstrup marking and goalling shortly after. He got another almost literally straight away, when a perfect kick from the middle bounced off JVR's chest and into his path. If Koltyn didn't already have cult figure status because of his name (and am I the only one disappointed in the silent 'h' that reduces its Viking warrior appeal?), and perm-like mullet, it would have been sealed when he celebrated #2 by trying to fight a random defender. More of this please.

Between Rivers, van Rooyen, McVee and Tholstrup (with apologies to Woewodin, back to being marooned on the bench for three quarters), the Eagles took a tremendous amount of damage from Western Australians. By the time the game was lost they should have been sending their runner to our players with fat cash offers. Why not sign up for flying around the country every two weeks and constant scrutiny from the only newspaper in a two horse town. I still don't know why Jayden Hunt did this when he wasn't from there to start with, but I'm happy that he's been rewarded for playing through the worst era in Eagles by reaching 150 games. I still love that guy, even if he's now too old to talk about owl energy and use his abnormally long fingers to massage Christian Petracca's grundle.

For what turned into our best first quarter for a year, it was still only two goals to one halfway through. Then the Eagles did what teams in their position do, went to sleep for 10 minutes and saw the game fly out the window. They'd had the better of things for about five minutes until Fritsch's goal made them hit the abandon ship button and dive for the exits. By the time it was over, ending with two in a row to Pickett, including a lovely opportunistic goal off the ground, we were 36 points ahead and only a chance of losing by doing something incredibly stupid.

Unlike last time we directed some attention towards King Harley Race, and while he was still radiating 'future superstar' there was less of the wading through our midfield like shallow water than last time. He did pull off another double fend later in the game, but this time it was followed by a flub kick so nobody will want to see it again. He was still one of their best, but his greatest impact may have been the smother that led to Gawn's injured ankle. At this stage it doesn't seem to be serious but I've heard that before. Either way, let's cross to Tom Fullarton's house as he tears the metaphorical sub vest off and prepares to enter the conversation. Either that or we'll follow up one of van Rooyen's best games by playing him in the middle all next week so he can get injured too.         

I know West Coast is running on empty, and you suspect we're not going to get the same time and space to roam free and find targets inside 50 against the good teams, but you can only beat who's in front of you. There wasn't much to be upset about at quarter time, but one downer was the continuing struggles of Clayton Oliver. After one of his best games this year last week he looked way off it again here, but maybe there's a human sacrifice element to it? After two weeks of Viney stepping up, this was the best game Rivers has ever played as a midfielder. Get him through this year, give him a pre-season and hope for a thermonuclear return. Meanwhile, enjoy the emergence of midfield Rivers.

We've got a habit of failing to go on after high scoring quarters, but I still tempted fate by checking for our biggest win at the MCG. The answer is 141 points against Hawthorn in 1926, and it was obviously going to stay that way but as long as we went on with it to some degree I'd be happy. The priority was avoiding humiliation by winning, but I still reserved the right to be a bit sooky if we were outscored for the rest of the game. Hopes of a runaway win were briefly raised when a few tentative opening minutes ended with the ball being split into JVR's path on the goalline. Then we conceded one, narrowly survived another, and things were going as expected again. 

Fans of complaining about no plan B would have loved how we went back to making scoring look difficult once the opposition stopped letting us punt the ball from side to side unchallenged. Just as I was hoping for a repeat of the Complaining To A Tree game where we inexplicably won a quarter five goals to nil but lost the game by 98. There was another outburst of scoring that made it comfortable again. Thanks to the gormless fool who gave away a 50 that allowed JVR to kick another goal from a metre out - surely the closest range back-to-back goals you're ever likely to see. It was less a 'steadier' for us as a 'wobbler' for them, as a quarter they'd morally won ended in an increased margin.

When van Rooyen kicked a fourth before half time I thought he was warming up for a savage afternoon. One benefit of sitting near people was seeing the cute old couple in front of me simultaneously do an impression of him holding the ball in the air before running in just as he did. It's nice to reacquaint yourself with the purer things in life for a bit before going back to reading about airplane hijackings and shopping centre fires on Wikipedia.

I'm not going to harp on the absence of Petty until we see how this forward line goes next week, especially if Gawn's not there to float in and cause chaos, but it was a win for my theory that you can only have one of Petty or Turner. In this case Turner was free to only have a few possessions and we were covered elsewhere. I've got more faith in him learning to play forward, as evidenced by his perfect lead into acres of space, before booting the cover off his set shot from a tricky angle. Speaking of weird angles, this was his first career goal in daylight hours so insert your own Disco reference in the space provided.

The latest halftime innovation is 'Horns Up Cam', and I nearly had the horn myself. West Coast are officially shit again, but it was nice to be battering somebody one way or the other. I was as comfortable about winning as I'm going to get with half the game left, but still didn't want the second half to just ebb away without doing something to put the wind other teams. We increased the margin, but there was no big bang. It's too early for a 2021 Gold Coast style 'bloodlust discovered' match, and any margin would have been greeted with "yeah it's just West Coast" (to which I'd say, look how well we finished against "yeah it's just North Melbourne") so I might be clutching at straws. Overall, for the benefit of those not sure of my position, this was a good win and we can all hope it builds to bigger and better things. And if you don't think I'm appreciating it sufficiently log into one of the forums and see how some of those miserable old tarts are behaving.

Any chance of an National Lampoon's European Vacation style "I think they're going to pork 'em" went out the window when we conceded the first two goals of the term. The 'job done' atmosphere was furthered by JVR missing what would have been a career best fifth goal from just outside the square. Admittedly he shouldn't have been paid the mark to start with, but this is no time to be diplomatic. Give me goals anywhere, anyhow at any time. Maybe even in a fourth quarter if you're lucky. Again, the Eagles had a lot of the play but couldn't make it count, only to trip over, fall on their face, and watch us go back to doing what we liked.

The most notable thing about the third quarter was having a box seat view of Pickett finally pulling down a genuinely massive hanger. I felt a bit ungrateful that my first thought was "thank god he finally held one" rather than enjoying it, but as a screamer skeptic I'd be happier with a chest mark that turns into/saves a goal than a huge overhead grab that doesn't. Blame Jeremy Howe, I've never been the same since he took Mark of the Year when we were losing by 90 points then immediately turned the ball over. There's being a completely joyless fuck, and there's just playing the percentages.

So as many times as you'll see the replay of Pickett's mark, I'll have Gawn taking a regulation grab in front and converting. Oddly, the scoreboard claimed that his career record from that spot was 1.1 at 20% accuracy. Does that mean he'd kicked three others out on the full from 20 metres out on a slight angle? He's had some set shot woes but surely we'd remember three enormous shanks like that. 

Once the Eagles had fired all their shots, JVR missed another easy shot by his standards. He still played a fantastic game, but if he's got nerves about increasing his career best tally then I'm happy to settle for four goals every week. 

After our recent fourth quarters, starting across the Chris Sullivan Line was nice regardless of opposition but putting the foot down would have been nice. The first step was to kick a goal, duly provided as a 'welcome back' present to Melksham, left standing on his own in the forward pocket for his second. He didn't look rusty in the slightest, and is a much-welcome addition to the side just as we're threatening to fall off a cliff.

Any chance of the opposition dropping off and letting JVR run riot ended when Gawn and his sore ankle departed. Which was a perfectly understandable safety move, but if there's ever been a time to play A. Random in the ruck this was it. I was ready to punch on if he got hurt in some bullshit defensive contest, but he survived while never looking like kicking another goal. Eventually Turner got a crack at it, but the life force of this game exited at the same time Gawn did. Alas there was no season-defining percentage shift, but I'll get upset about that when we miss the eight by 0.01% again.

The most excitement I had in the final term was the crowd being announced at exactly 32,000. That can't happen very often, and not for us at the MCG since Round 13, 1950. Even that has conflicting numbers in different newspapers, so if you believe these figures were real and not subject to a GWS style 'count the Red Rooster staff' inflation it was statistically significant. Thrilled to have played a part.

Anyway, what more can be said? We won and remain in the hunt, but there's a lot more to be done. Can't see us being involved by late September based on this, but it's a start.

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Trent Rivers
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Caleb Windsor
2 - Tom McDonald
1 - Alex Neal-Bullen

Apologies to Chandler, Gawn, May, McVee, Tholstrup, Viney

Leaderboard
Another week of the leaders missing out, but as long as he only missed one game Gawn will remain overwhelming favourite. Obviously he won't be beaten in the Stynes so let's go ahead and declare that over. And please welcome ANB to the podium, as he continues to improve his career best tally, drawing level with the winner of the Leigh Newton Injury Drama Award for third.

The action, for once, is in the Rising Star race, where Windsor has leapt from the grave to break the tie with Turner and take an outright lead. Still plenty of contenders who could nick it but I won't lie, a genuine first year player feels better suited to winning than somebody who qualified on the four games or less rule.

37 - Max Gawn (WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
27 - Steven May (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
23 - Alex Neal-Bullen, Christian Petracca
18 - Jake Lever
16 - Jack Viney
12 - Kysaiah Pickett
11 - Clayton Oliver, Trent Rivers
9 - Tom McDonald, Judd McVee
8 - Jacob van Rooyen
7 - Tom McDonald
6 - Caleb Windsor (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
4 - Bayley Fritsch, Christian Salem, Tom Sparrow, Adam Tomlinson
3 - Ed Langdon, Daniel Turner
2 - Kade Chandler, Harrison Petty
1 - Jack Billings, Blake Howes

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Apologies to the crumb aspect of Pickett's first quarter goal, but I'm giving an inaugural nomination to Tholstrup for his second due to the aggro celebration. No change to the leaderboard.

1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong

Next week
This was a perfectly good win but I won't fully appreciate it unless we back up against Essendon on Saturday. Regretfully, they are confirmed good again so it's up to us to save humanity with a win here. Could very well happen, but it won't be this easy.

Casey lost comfortably again, so other than Gawn's dicky ankle I suspect the only other changes will be for tactical considerations that I don't understand. A positive forward performance is bad news for McAdam and Jefferson, who both kicked goals in an otherwise ordinary game. As the theory about Windsor running out of gas has been temporarily discontinued, I've got nothing. Maybe we don't need all of Bowey, AMW and Salem but unless it's time for Tomlinson comes in - Tomlinson goes out episode 921 they can all stay. Bet they bring Petty straight back.

IN: Fullarton
OUT: Gawn (omit)
LUCKY: Nil
UNLUCKY: K. Brown, Howes, Jefferson, McAdam, Tomlinson

The All New Bradbury Plan...
We're almost at the point where people get angry about trying to Bradbury into the finals and lobby to finish 13th for the draft benefits. Not interested.

Geelong d. Collingwood (if the Pies aren't going to walk into the eight then let's keep them within range before R24 just in case...)
North d. Sydney (just in case the Swans spontaneously combust and make it interesting)
Hawthorn d. Freo
Carlton d. Footscray (there could be benefits going the other way but I don't think you can stop Carlton making it so they can kill a fringe contender instead)|
Adelaide d. St Kilda (almost a 'don't care' but may as well ensure the Saints don't get on a run)
Gold Coast d. Port (willing to keep the Suns in the mix by dragging Port down)
Richmond d. GWS
West Coast d. Brisbane

Administrative announcement
If you've read this far you're probably the sort of sicko who'd have noticed Demonwiki falling over more in recent weeks than Melbourne's forward line. Fear not fact fans, we're not entirely outage free yet but at the time of writing the site is back online. Due to an upgrade from 2009-era software the design looks weird and all the picture links need to be manually updated (insert sarcastic thumbs up emoji here) but your #1 source for obscure MFC content is alive and well for now.

Final thoughts
Because I'm old it still feels like Facebook is a new thing when in reality it was lapped by Twitter about 15 years ago. On my way home it served up a post with my reaction from 7 July 2013, when a 31 point loss with Dean Terlich as our best player was called "not as bad as I expected". This was a good reminder that I'm not in a position to complain about nine goal wins yet.