Tormenting the animal kingdom

Anyone with the same nervous disposition as me would have spent the week expecting to hold Jeremy Cameron and Tom Hawkins better than any team since they've played together only to lose by kicking a pitifully low, barely defensible score. As somebody who tried to rest Windsor and drop Petty before their best games of the year my footy knowledge is obviously wafer-thin, but at three quarter time on Saturday night we were heading right towards this tragic conclusion. See also *[list of similar losses over the last two years dramatically unfurls, blocking out the sun]*

This was one of the times we got away with it, in a third consecutive Channel 7 primetime appearance that would have bored the tits off neutrals. While there's plenty of recent evidence that you can't get away with this often enough to win a flag/MCG finals, it meant rumbling an unbeaten side and reminding everyone (including ourselves) that we're not dead yet. In September maybe, but after the midweek misery of the Brisbane game, this was our return to respectable company. Long may it last, throughout whatever up and down thrills we're set for in the remaining 28 home and away rounds.

We got a goal in the opening minute again, and my first thought was that the game couldn't possibly turn into the same trench warfare meets Vaudeville first half as last week. Then we reached half time with even less total goals kicked. This was an ink-blot test about your footy philosophies, it was either horrendously boring or an intriguing contest that was still worthwhile because every potential goal mattered so much more. I'm not encouraging nine games a week like this, but regular 150-145 scorelines would be equally tedious.

More importantly, after turning 4.2 million inside 50s into not much this season, we finally got a goal from a wonky, hopeful kick that just happened to fall in the right spot. Enter Bayley Fritsch, mortal enemy of sad middle aged men who complain about things being 'woke' and are jealous that they'll never have another chance at hair like his. He'll be back later for a contribution that even Barry from Facebook Comments couldn't seriously complain about.

If we'd lost it wouldn't have mattered where they got their goals from, but from the safety of knowing the result it's impressive how we forced Geelong to score from obscure angles. It helped that two of the best key forwards of this generation made converting from directly in front look more difficult than digging the Panama Canal with spoons. Which was nice, but don't bet your life on a repeat if we play them again. 

Their first goal came via crumb, and the next through one of their suspiciously high number of Generic Blonde Men who look like the East German brothers in Die Hard. My interest in non-MFC topics is at its lowest point in years, but even if I had NFI who this guy was I could sense a stirring at Kingsley Manor when he kicked one from the boundary line, then lined up from the same spot a few minutes later. He missed, and I can't honestly say if he was seen again because so many of them look the same. The whole recruiting system is set up to stop you cloning players in a laboratory, but if anyone's going to have a crack at a presumably non-fascist Boys From Brazil style breeding program it'll be Geelong. Probably using taxpayer money. 

In the early stages our forward line was a bit *nervous adjustment of collar again*, and Petty was probably one lost contest or dropped mark away from retiring on the spot in frustration, so a big thanks to Another Blonde Man for slipping over at the crucial time and allowing Harrison (never Harry) a lead/mark/goal that instantly refilled his life force gauge. He didn't kick another goal, but spent the night taking massive contested marks up the ground and contesting in a way that makes you wonder if he's had the Ebola virus for several weeks. Maybe we just rushed him back too quickly after injury. Maybe it's a one week thing and he'll still end up feeling unappreciated and leg it to Adelaide for a future third round pick.

The quarter ended with your weekly "Where would we be without Pickett?" reminder, as he electrified the otherwise defensive arm-wrestle by snatching a ball out of thin air for a goal. What a man. Also demonstrated admirable restraint at one point where a Geelong player was wide-open for an Uncle Byron-style shirtfront. No way he's going to miss playing Carlton and either break their heart in the final seconds or biff somebody.

I'm against the dissent rule and think people acting like John McEnroe is good for the game, but if it has to exist (And does it? Any evidence that it's stopped umpires being yelled at by evil parents and/or chased with a lead pipe by ice addicted suburban tradies?) then they need to clarify how much players can sook before being penalised. If we knew it was swearing, threatening gestures etc... it would be easier to judge, but as far as I'm aware they haven't altered the rule from when 50s were being handed out for the merest negative reaction. Every team does it to some degree, but early in this game Geelong players treated every negative decision like the umpire had just insulted their mother. 

Fortunately, they were equally as lax on the stand rule, allowing Tom McDonald to shuffle back and forth like he was doing the Moonwalk, because I'd have blown up if we'd been done for one administrative rule after the other was ignored. And what happened to players being rolled for going running past the mark at the wrong latitude/longitude coordinates? Is that still on the books and just being ignored as well? If so, good. Surprisingly AFL HQ didn't send down secret instructions to generate a goal by any means necessary during the second quarter, but they must have been tempted.

You may have noticed I'm into niche MFC topics, and would like to add Simon Goodwin first quarter texta moments to my resume. There was Round 17, 2020 when he was writing with one, holding another, then paused in shock as we did something incredibly stupid just before the siren...

... and four years later he furiously attacked the whiteboard with maximum determination and the most XL-sized marker on the planet. I think it's the same brand as last time (talk about loyalty), but caught at an angle that really highlights the bulk. Lucky for him we didn't lose via baffling coaching decision or the "what was he writing?" memes would have been unkind. We won both games in thrillers, so I suggest having a pack of these things ready to go at all times. 

For all the piss taken out of learnings and connection, and the odd baffling moment like the Carlton final, I don't think Goodwin gets enough credit. He's hardly Norm Smith but some people treat him like Mark Neeld whenever things go wrong. Feel free to trawl the archives for times where I've done just that, but not as much as people who think we'd be on for a fourth straight flag under anyone else. I've gone all emotional in my old age but whenever they show him talking to the team after a win I feel that he's in a happy place, and may go completely off the rails one way or another outside the club environment.

He had a great night here, assisted by players helping execute the plan to jam the middle of the ground up like a lock shot full of superglue. Whenever Geelong got the ball forward they were met with a collective brick wall of epic proportions. After a shaky game last week, I'm back to crediting McDonald for his late-career defensive revival, but as always the main events were May and Lever. 

On the occasion of May's 100th game for us there's no point hiding how much I love these two, but are they both legitimate contenders for the best senior player we've recruited from another club? With apologies to those who Leoncelli, B. Lovett, A. McDonald, Rigoni and Ward who only played Reserves elsewhere, I think the post-1980 field is Garry Baker, Laurie Fowler, Michael Hibberd, Anthony Ingerson, Jake Melksham, Brent Moloney, Peter Rohde, Bernie Vince, Jeff White and Brian Wilson. Fowler won three B&Fs, Wilson won a Brownlow, but I'd say White is the only one in their way. Your views may vary, but the most important thing is that they're here, they're spectacular, and I can't comprehend ever having another defensive pair as good. It might happen, but while we're doing 60 year gaps between flags it's hard to imagine anyone else turning up and having the same impact.

For me, there's no downside to living through the greatest five year run since early Simpsons except for having to watch half of it on TV, but good luck to any kids who have come along at just the right time to know nothing of the dark times except scarcely believable stories. It's a great time to follow this club, and you'll still be talking about a lot of these players in several decades when you're a gibbering wreck in the nursing home, but the rest of your supporting life is going to be spent hoping for another backline combination like this to come along. We might accidentally stumble upon the regens of John Coleman and Tony Lockett at the other end, but you'll never find another pair of defenders like this in an era so well-suited to defensive play. Now watch them concede 16 each against Carlton, but even if they turn to dust now their legacy is secure.

The second quarter won't have much of a legacy, other than being dredged up as a trivia tidbit the next time nobody kicks a goal. Despite the obvious agony of the commentators it was a fascinating struggle. Not sure I'd have seen it the same way as a neutral. The TL:DR is that the teams combined for 0.13, finding creative ways to keep missing. The only other excitement came from the Jack Viney Injury Scare of the Week. Jack and I only have two things in common, we both like Todd, and cope with pain by acting like we've had the limb torn off in an industrial accident. The difference is he's being battered around in a full-contact sport while I'm usually carrying on after stubbing my toe. For the third time in the last 12 months Viney scared the shit out of everyone by going down clutching his shoulder like it was shattered to pieces, before recovering to play on as if nothing had happened. He's made of iron, but I hope his shoulder isn't slowly weakening before randomly falling apart.

By the last couple of minutes I was right into the novelty of a goalless quarter, thinking that it surely hadn't happened in a full length game for years. Then they revealed that there'd been one two years ago, which was a whole lot less fun. We did our best to get an ad break on, but to the disappointment of people who wanted to see Luke Hodge encourage Australia's stupidest people to take high-interest loans, Geelong was unable to take advantage of Fritsch giving away a pointless 50 or May doing a slapstick turnover in the middle. 

Meanwhile, our shots were going off in more directions than the New Year's fireworks and even the most sensible commentary team you're going to get on free to air TV sounded like they were about to self-harm. I felt bad for Nathan Jones when there was talk about all the close games between these teams in recent years and he was probably hoping they didn't mention him playing in losses to the Cats by 116, 186 and 111. By the end of the year Gawn will have captained us more times than Jones won in his 302 game career, so a friendly reminder that if anyone questions his loyalty or commitment to our club I'll fight them in the street with weapons.

Returning from half time, we can't have been far away from Channel 7 'accidentally' dropping a camera on the ground so they could play five minutes of ads while carefully picking up all the pieces. Eventually, after three more behinds that would have had spectacle lovers reaching for poison, Kade Chandler became 7's best mate by kicking straight. Hope it goes better for them than previous best mates Ben Roberts-Smith and Bruce Lehrmann.

I'm sure that, like me, you expected to follow this by conceding straight from the middle, but I'm pleased to say we held out for a good two minutes. It took a tremendous goal from the boundary line to do it, but if they'd got another straight after I'd have been wishing Chandler had missed and we'd kept playing for a 20-19 win. This makes no sense because they might have gone coast-to-coast from the kick-in, then booted the next nine goals but fear is my default setting.

I was comfortable scoring at 1905 pace, before the game became a relative shootout. In that three players kicked straight in a row. Sadly for Geelong their second one kicked straight but not long enough. 

As it seemingly went through, they showed a grown woman in an MFC scarf, holding up a sign in child's handwriting begging for a Cats' player's boots, and went to the same dreadfully written Youi commercial that we'd been spared in the second quarter. By now I was cursing myself for not being bothered to get off the couch and set up the Megawall to watch without ads, but it led to the pleasant surprise that we were finally on the right side of an unrequested video review. May got a hand to it just before the ball fully crossed the line, and was rewarded by the high-tech cameras making him look like he was in a Playstation 2 game.

Geelong fans who lustily booed that turn of events, despite being presented with the clearest possible evidence, would have gone into cardiac arrest shortly after when one of their defenders took a clear mark that was called play on because we swatted it out of his hands at the last minute. And when I say 'the last minute', I mean 'would usually end in a 50'. It left Windsor taking a shot from the same place he was gifted one against Richmond, but this time he failed to take advantage of the kindness of strangers. It was a slight blip in the best game of his career, ending in a well-deserved Rising Star nomination.

Despite the low scoring, I had no confidence in holding a two goal lead. Which was lucky, because soon we didn't have one. We lost the lead after Gawn was flat out kneed in the head at a ruck contest, which was a throwback to a few years ago when he used to get poked in the eye, kicked in the face, and everything but teabagged at ball-ups without being paid a free. Morally this made up for the unpaid mark at the other end, with the difference that they converted the chance. ANB should have replied ASAP after turning a defender inside out like the Road Runner on Wile E. Coyote, but he did all the hard work then missed.

We nearly gave up another at the end, but narrowly survived to be less than a goal down at the last change. If you still buy into us finishing games well, the narrow margin would be comforting. I was worried that after doing all the hard work to grind them down over three quarters that we wouldn't be able to change gears to try and win it, before the inevitable Alice Springs 2023 style 'lucky kick rolls over the top and beats us' scenario. 

If you didn't know what happened in the first three quarters, you'd have thought the 1989 Grand Final had broken out in the last term. We kicked three belter goals, recaptured the lead, gave it up again, then grabbed it back, sealed the deal via the Goal of the Year, and got an assist from opponents with 1000 career goals before them kicking as if stoned to the bejesus belt. 

I wasn't nearly as ill as King's Birthday last year, but lying in the exact same spot I got the same Thriller Euphoria that made me forget all my troubles for about 30 minutes before going back down the drain. It started with one of Gawn's trademark long range missile set shots, as they foolishly let him open up the angle to full extension and he walloped one. When Fritsch got another shortly after I was open to the idea of running away with it. Next thing you knew we were behind again and hanging on for dear life. 

Enter your friend and mine K. Pickett, who had a glorious run as the Goal of the Week clubhouse leader for about 15 minutes. Perhaps more than anything else, this demonstrated how much he means to our forward line. He was the one who kicked it to the contest, then when JVR couldn't mark, Pickett steamed through, picked it up, and snapped the goal. What a man part two. And when Windsor won a holding the ball free and converted to put us 10 in front again I was stupid enough to think that we'd broken them and would go on with it comfortably. This is where Cameron/Hawkins started kicking relatively easy set shots like the ball was made from concrete.  

As expected, we scaled up for the quality of opposition but there were a couple of "can't play Richmond every week" victims. As Petty returned, Disco faded out like it was the early 1980s. Which is fine two senior games into his key forward career. If Petty's restored joy of life lasts there's cover for him to spend a few weeks learning what it's like to play without the element of surprise. And after one of the better one quarter sub appearances last week, Laurie walked into a red-hot game here and got one touch. Never mind, I'm thrilled that we beat the top side with multiple players under 10 games experience. And a word for Taj Woewodin, who will naturally get the boot when Bowey or Salem return, but has done very well adapting to being parachuted into the backline out of necessity.

It would have been cruel to lose after putting on such a good defensive display, but the margin was still under a goal with three minutes left before something truly wacky happened. Petty ended his big comeback by cutting off their next kick at full stretch, leaving Petracca with the ball and an entire forward line to choose from. Doesn't mean any players were in that line, so kicking it over Fritsch's head towards the boundary line was better than jamming it down Tom Stewart's gob like we'd have done most other times. If it went out we'd probably be calling an airstrike on AFL House after he was pinged for deliberate, but instead something truly ludicrous happened. No explanation can beat the actual footage, so enjoy it with bonus unnecessary TikTok shit on the video:

How?! How?! How!? #DemonSpirit | #AFLDeesCats pic.twitter.com/UvN79Grisb

— Melbourne Demons (@melbournefc) May 4, 2024

But in case space flange Elon Musk pulls the plug on Twitter and the above disappeares, let the written record show that Fritsch and opponent were gently tracking the ball on its path to the boundary line, when it did a mysterious leg break straight into his path, allowing him to gather and ran away from unnamed Geelong person. Which was nice, and if he'd turned around to square the kick to somebody 20 metres out directly in front we'd all have been very happy, but instead a did the most deft (deftess?) toepoke you'll ever see, causing it to skid around the corner toward goal, before neatly depositing itself just inside the left goalpost.

Dear reader, I ask where you rate this amongst great recent MFC goals? For quality it may be #1, but while Petracca starting the Mad Minute in Perth didn't have the same agonising journey across the line it's similar enough to win due to the occasion and what came next. It's hard to compare set shots, snaps, game winners, first quarters stunners etc... etc... but some suggestions. Context is important, so apologies to anybody who kicked a ripper when we got beaten.

* Jeff White vs Footscray 2005
* Aaron Davey vs Fremantle 2008
* Cameron Pedersen vs Carlton 2014
* Christian Salem vs Essendon 2014
* Clayton Oliver vs Adelaide 2017 and Footscray 2021
* Tom McDonald vs West Coast 2017
* Jack Watts vs Collingwood 2017
* Dean Kent vs West Coast 2018
* Nathan Jones vs Geelong 2018
* Mitch Hannan vs Geelong 2018
* Jake Melksham vs Hawthorn 2018 or Brisbane 2023
* Kysiah Pickett vs St Kilda 2021, Carlton 2022, and god knows how many others.
* Max Gawn vs Geelong 2021 and Geelong 2021

There's got to be more, even if I'm eliminating enormous swathes of history by only counting games we won. Additional suggestions via the usual channels. 

Because I'm old, broken and most importantly soft, a not-at-all serious illness was enough to stop me from going, costing another great moment in live viewing that I can never get back. Like 25/09/2021 it matters not a shite to the overall result whether I was there live or not. The real distress will come in about 10 years when I've got time to go every week and we're back to sucking pond water.

The good news is that I did get to see a few live junk time goals in the last quarter against Brisbane, and being at home on Saturday meant listening to Jobe Watson's unusual, Wrestlemania VIII-inspired claim that two players resembled Randy Savage and Ric Flair. They didn't, but it's nice to get a wrestling reference on commentary that doesn't go straight for the safety of Hulk Hogan. In a week where the league spoke out about violence against women I take it Jobe never saw the documentaries about the Macho Man locking his wife in a room when he wasn't there and Slick Ric waving his dick at flight attendants.

I'm all about protecting the legacy of great moments - like how Gawn at Kardinia Park wouldn't be as good if we'd lost to Geelong in the Prelim, or why nobody talks about thumping Brisbane at home in the last game of 2022 because of what happened two games later. So when this left Geelong needing two quick goals to beat us I was more frightened than usual, hoping to avoid losing in humiliating circumstances AND not being able to enjoy one of the most exciting goals ever captured on film. So when they went forward and found Jeremy Cameron in acres of space I thought "oh christ, here we go". After being held all night and missing two earlier shots I would have had my house on a goal here. And if he was going to miss I'd have expected more drama off the boot than a shank that went off like he was kicking with an ill-fitting prosthetic leg. 

After previously blaming the gastro and the flu for losing to us, I can't wait for Geelong's big "I don't want to make excuses but..." reveal that he Jezzed it while bravely playing through Mad Cow Disease, but Cameron is another in the long line of great key forwards with an unexpectedly bad record against us. He's kicked 57 career goals against Collingwood, but only 22 against us in one fewer start, and we've held him to fewer goals per game than anyone. Still doesn't explain how badly this regulation set shot went, but thank god it did because I did not need the tension of holding onto a slender lead for the last 90 seconds. Also good news for Ed Langdon, who shouldn't have been expected to guard Cameron in the first place but clearly knew he could have put in more of a contest when he started doing the tell-tale 'point to everything to shift focus' routine post-mark.

There was still time to stuff it up, but it worked in our favour that he barely snuck the kick through for a point and we could bring it back on our terms rather than the ball being handed to whoever was closest as it crossed the line. If anything was going to bring us undone it was short kicks in defence, but we got it far enough away from goal to run the clock down to the point where it would have taken an all-time ludicrous scenario to beat us. They were going forward in the dying seconds, before poor old Jez capped off his dreadful night by hurriedly booting it out on the full. 

Cameron will be back, but not against us in this home and away season. They put us against the second oldest club in the 'Rivalry Round' (which was a marginally better reason than Hawthorn vs Footscray because they came into the league at the same time, and St Kilda vs North because they're most likely to be chased out of Victoria by Eddie McGuire), but the dead giveaway that it's not a real rivalry is that we're not fixtured to play them a second time. If you can't get people fired up over Melbourne vs Sydney, good luck doing it for Melbourne vs Suburb of Melbourne. I'm just happy we don't have to go to Kardinia Park for once, but will be on high alert for their forwards to run riot if we happen to meet again in September.

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jake Lever
4 - Steven May
3 - Caleb Windsor
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Tom McDonald

Apologies to Fritsch, Gawn, Oliver, Pickett and Viney

Leaderboard
Welcome to the unprecedented (?) scenario of a leaderboard this late in the season without any midfielders on the podium. I can't see it lasting, especially once Oliver regains the use of his hand and Petracca starts busting tags, but if you're somebody who hates mids winning everything then grab a screenshot of this. There's plenty of action in the minors, where the defensive dream team are both within range of the Seecamp/Jakovich double, and Windsor's first career votes see him draw level with Turner in a Rising Star race that is far more exciting than the last couple of years. As for the Stynes, I'm almost certain that Max could stop playing now and not be caught so we're not far from declaring a provisional winner there. 

18 - Steven May (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
16 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Jake Lever
14 - Christian Petracca
8 - Alex Neal-Bullen, Jack Viney
7 - Judd McVee
5 - Tom McDonald, Clayton Oliver
4 - Bayley Fritsch, Tom Sparrow
3 - Daniel Turner (JOINT LEADER: Rising Star Award), Caleb Windsor (JOINT LEADER: Rising Star Award)
2 - Kade Chandler, Harrison Petty, Trent Rivers
1 - Jack Billings, Blake Howes, Kysaiah Pickett

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Last week Fritsch lost because his goal wasn't unexpected enough, this time it will take winning a final in the last second of extra time with an overhead kick from the defensive goalsquare to beat him. It's a bit unfortunate for Pickett, whose chasedown of his own kick was so good that it makes the podium, but the challenge is on for anyone to do anything more outrageous than Fritsch and snatch his title.

1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong

Next week
Speaking of games where scores are low, dangerous opposition forwards are well-held, and the result is decided in dramatic or farcical circumstances it's Carlton again. Last year we scored 61 and beat them comfortably, 56 and lost by under a goal, then blew a final in spectacular own-goal fashion while coach and sub sat on the bench with thumb in fundament. This may have saved us from Preliminary Final humiliation, but I'd loved to have had a crack at finding out. 

Unlike Melbourne 2019, the Blues have mostly gone on with it after their finals breakthrough, and I'm not taking them lightly after losing three in four. Two were close games against good sides, and while they might have had a weird loss against Adelaide, it was followed by beating GWS who are still near the top so this could go in any direction. No doubt a loss will have them back to trying to sack Michael Voss, and I'm happy to help facilitate that.

You won't get much inspiration for changes from Casey, who are heading towards just their third finals miss since our affiliation began. The race is on to beat their 5-13 record in 2014 in a ladder with anomalies including finishing second last but five games ahead of the wooden spooner, and below a side that had less wins but two draws. It wasn't an entirely wasted year, you may recall B&F winner Max Gawn going on with it big time.

I don't think the coaches really care if the Reserves win, lose, or catch fire (well, the Casey coach probably does), as long as the right players are developing/recovering etc... Ben Brown and Hore were late withdrawals in case required on Thursday, and Hunter disappeared after half time for the same reason, so you can see we're giving this half-arse competition the respect it deserves. McAdam got concussed so we won't be seeing him anytime soon, and otherwise I can't see a case for anybody to be promoted. Tomlinson continued to do well while playing a position we don't need any help in, Jefferson seems to be a forward again because he kicked three, and Moniz-Wakefield is plugging away in defence picking up disposals and thinking about how he'd be an established senior player at one of the shit sides.

The problem is we're coming off a short break and have recent history of playing a Thursday night game as if under heavy sedation so is there a risk in not making changes? NFI, but I wouldn't be surprised if Howes or Windsor get rested eventually. I'm desperate to manage somebody so I'll give Laurie a full game and put Billings on ice for a week before his body falls apart again. Spin the wheel for the sub and hope they're not required early. I'll say... Hunter... and admit I have zero qualifications for making selection suggestions.

I'll do the stupidest thing possible, get sucked in by one great result and assume we'll win. See you back for a depression session if it doesn't happen.

IN: Laurie + Hunter (as sub)
OUT: Billings (managed)
LUCKY: Nil
UNLUCKY: Moniz-Wakefield, Tomlinson

Final thoughts
This was a very good win sealed by one of the great MFC goals, but it felt a little less massive once the euphoria died down I realised that we've got 15 more home and away games to go. Maybe it's just because I'm generally fatigued by life but this season already feels like it's been going forever, I can't comprehend that we're barely a third of the way towards finals. It'll be a long, strange, ride until then and I'll do my best to stay upright and alive until the conclusion.

Standard 'post delayed' notification

Dees win and I'm getting to the post. Tuesday morning perhaps?

Keep an eye on Twitter or Facebook for a link. Send any thoughts on the game via the usual channels and I'll incorporate/shamelessly steal them.

Disco Demolition Night

The natural reaction to a game like this is to fret that we wouldn't have beaten any of the good sides, but think back to all those 'only good because we won' slogs in 2021 and how things went supernova at the end of the year. Try not to think about how many of our 32 wins over the following two seasons required the same level of patience and understanding before things went tits up in September.

Many consider the post-premiership years a waste (not without some justification), but as it took us eight seasons to win that many games from 2007 I'm still graciously accepting victories in any condition from pristine to soiled. Which is fine when it's your club, but after another prime time appearance that would have had neutrals reaching for cyanide pills, we'll be lucky if Channel 7 lets us play on any special occasion beyond Lapland National Day Eve next year. For the second time in a row we did our impression of the old SBS 9:30 Movie, only getting interesting after everyone else went to bed.

In what we hope will be several years, somebody (spoiler: me) will do a list ranking every game of our relative glory era. This one will probably be near the bottom of the wins list, unless you're Daniel Turner and have fond memories of coming from the clouds to play a great game. Turner already had one of the wilder stories for a four game player - a mid-COVID, mid-season draftee who arrived just at the right time to see the premiership run first-hand (P.S - I rewatched the video of the Grand Final post-match to make sure he was in it and almost started crying, so the impact is still as strong as ever), debuting thanks to Steven May punching on in a French restaurant, ending the game concussed, then randomly turning up for games at either end of last season before starting this one injured. 

None of this would have rated a mention if he hadn't put on the most unlikely goalkicking performance since NFI. Even by modern standards three isn't a massive haul, but tell me a time anyone did it more unexpectedly. I was there for Brent Heaver and Sean Charles kicking five on debut, both the Sam Blease/Mark Jamar surprise efforts in otherwise shit losses, and nearly toppled over from a heart attack when Tom McDonald's fifth sank West Coast in 2018, but this was pound-for-pound weirder than any of them. Factor in the occasion, his recent return from injury, a one game/one goal warm-up in the VFL, and the fact that nobody's ever thought about him playing forward and this was truly odd. He may never kick a goal again, but somebody send word that he's only 28 goals off Peter Walsh's record for the most in #42 and not to get seduced into seeking a Hollywood Boulevard number.

Hopefully, he reduces the novelty factor by doing it again, but for now it's one of the all-time great exceedings of expectations. When he came into the side at the expense of Brown, I fully expected them to send McSizzle forward again. I know we were highly likely to beat a side on the downhill slide from glory and with a shitload of injuries (which we did... eventually) but out-of-the-box key position shenanigans still felt risky. Shows what I know. Last year Petty kicked six against Richmond, now this, so it's your guess which defender will be next to exploit their vulnerability to wildcard moves.

The focus on somebody kicking the princely sum of three goals is necessary to avoid talking about a first half so bad that we're lucky Channel 7 didn't switch to the test pattern. Clickbait fanatics sooked up over a headline about Goodwin and the coaches 'laughing' at some of the errors, but how could you not? Imagine spending two weeks preparing your side to go into an important game as favourites, then watching them kick it 20 metres to the left of the target for an hour? Surely these people are familiar with the concept of nervous laughter. 

Maybe the players were distracted thinking about the list of brave war casualties that we stuck on the bottom of our jumper under a Hertz logo. More likely history's only unbeaten MFC men's senior coach Adem Yze came armed with a raft of inside ideas about how to stop us but a team only capable of keeping it up for a half. Which is fine now, but at the end of that half I was about to run off and join the Navy. On a night we were asked to think about wars, this paid tribute to the ones where the more fancied country takes far longer than expected to break through. The result and margin were fair enough in the end, but now before the traditional "oh, we're not going to stuff this up are we?" fear when playing lower sides.

I would give nothing of the last few years back except the narrow finals losses, but while we'll spend the rest of our lives trying to find another Lever/May combination, the only downside to building on defence is the lack of rampant, sadistic thrashings. I just want to tip our balance of 100 point results a bit more towards the middle. Any win is a good win once it's confirmed, but while we're on the topic of odd scenarios it's NQR that the only time we've had back-to-back 10 goal wins in recent memory were a Prelim/Grand Final.

So while I never expect to win big (and haven't been entirely confident about winning at all since 1993), when we fanged straight from the middle for a JVR mark and goal part of me wondered if we might be about to give it the full USA vs Grenada treatment. And from there until half time we were outscored by seven points, had disposal efficiency that was probably in single figures, and generally made the host broadcaster consider selling rights for our games to community TV.

Other than the world's greatest defensive duo having their way with a discount forward line that may have been discovered wandering down Punt Road, pretty much everything we did from here until the long break was shite and I care not to relive it in too much depth. One of the few highlights was Gawn laughing mockingly in the face of a ruck double team, but otherwise this was not a banner night for our midfield superstars. None of previous BOG winners Oliver, Petracca, Viney went close this time. It didn't matter this time, and no doubt they'll all be back in the thick of it soon so good to do it without for once. I'd still punch on in the streets to defend their honour.

I know we'd be better moving the ball if Bowey and Salem were available, but the forwards have some right to argue about how badly the ball was coming towards them. Mainly because it rarely made it that far. van Rooyen likes the place enough to sign a contract extension but he must wonder what it would be like at (insert alternative top eight side). I hate to think how we'd have gone without Pickett hoovering around the ground floor again. This wasn't his best game but it made you realise how badly we've fared without him twice this year. So for god's sake please stop hitting people. Solid advice too for the opposition Pickett, who signed up for a big fat fine by whacking Oliver in the guts. Somehow this translated to Clayts ending the night with two black eyes like he'd gone 10 rounds of bareknuckle boxing with Mike Tyson.

Other highlights of the first half ranged Turner kicking his first career goal despite the corner of his teenage boy moustache being invaded by what looked like an epic cold score, to the siren that ended it. Almost everything in between was like pulling heavy machinery up a hill with your teeth. A day later the world's most boring people were demanding extra time, this needed five minutes each way shaved off. We both deserved to be ahead at the break and further than a point behind. The game itself deserved to be euthanised.

In all senses of the word, the action kicked off after the nervous half time wait. Gawn fired the starters' gun for party time with a mark and goal in the pocket. For me it's not Max from that spot unless being heckled by an Essendon fan who was later arrested for car theft, but even without some peanut yelling in his ear Max kicked it. This, like basic speech and comprehension, came as a surprise to Brian Taylor, who referred to a reasonably straightforward snap around the body as an 'impossible task' just as ball left boot on its way straight through the goals.

Mocking BT's commentary is the next best thing to being at a game live, and he was in full bozo mode here. After an earlier discussion about the origins of the nickname 'General', Professor Taylor did some study during the break and explained that it came from Robert E Lee who "tried to reunite the United States after the Civil War". Which is slightly true in that Robbo caved in easily after the conflict instead of carrying on a guerilla war but somewhat missed the point of him being a top Confederate general in the first place. This was so baffling it was good, unlike the Dwayne Russell-esque setup in asking Nathan Jones about somebody called Dow so he could say 'Dow Jones Index', much to the joy of the commentary box and the bulk switching of TVs around the country to any other station.

The game was effectively over via several strong minutes of the third term. This is where Discomania took flight. His earlier first goal was from a run into the square, but the two that blew the doors off Richmond (via some mass whinging about umpires) were very good set shots. I was baffled by this turn of events, but probably because in the same situation I'd have been overcome by the pressure and shanked them on the full at right angles.

His second goal only narrowly missed being followed by another,  and now we were on the move. The white flag went up with a horrible blunder that allowed Pickett to convert at the second opportunity. I respect that Richmond had a better run than any of our teams since Norm Smith and wish Adem Yze as well as possible under the circumstances but it doesn't look like they'll be joining Geelong and Sydney in staying afloat forever. Thank god Steely Dan wasn't playing this time because you can only imagine the nonsense that would have created on commentary, forcing poor Jones to try and play along with the old farts like he knew who they were.

Just when it looked like we were going to stomp away to a comfortable three quarter time margin, the attacking machine spluttered and came to a halt again. McDonald looked wonkier than any time this year, and helped contribute to one of their rare goals after being pinched holding the ball while being overly ambitious. I'm not sure he cares what anyone thinks at this point of his career, but it can't be hard having to compete against May and Lever for attention. Even adjusted for playing against a zero potency forward line, May did all the Mayish things we've come to know and love, while Lever had more interceptions than the Iron Dome.

In a few years we'll need to replace 66% of our tall defender stocks, so can we please not separate baby from bathwater and run Harrison Petty into the arms of Adelaide for pick 32. The forward experiment has hit the wall with force and velocity but if his foot stays attached he's May's long-term successor. Even in the joyous event of Steven playing until he's 50 then Petty will be a solid part of the package. And next time we're losing a close game via a putrid low score you know he's half a chance of snatching one if sent up front.

The good news is that while we'd stopped kicking goals again, the opposition still made scoring look harder than splitting the atom. All sensible analysis pointed to us running the game out better, but they were still in range of a ridiculous comeback until the dying seconds of the third quarter. Live viewers may recall their hopes ending with a comically failed kick across goal, but if you just went off the media coverage you'd think it came directly from the ball rebounding off a boundary umpire and back into play. Except that happened 30 seconds earlier, helped them clear the ball out of defence, and they still had ball in their hands seconds before the siren before a tremendous cock-up gave Windsor an easy set shot. Sure, if it had gone out of bounds they wouldn't have been in a position to give up a goal in such comic fashion but that's like blaming it on Captain Cook for landing in Australia, Tom Wills for pioneering the game, and Hitler for stuffing up World War II by invading Russia.   

After the slightest of scares from them getting the first goal of the last term, the final quarter was junk time for everyone except Bailey Laurie, who arrived just as Richmond departed and looked better than ever. He got two goals, and when Howes looked like he might kick one too I was right into the novelty of three players kicking their first career goals in the same game. Sadly not, but this was the sort of novelty value that we were reduced to now. The game was well won, Turner set up Fritsch with a handball over his head, and I was already thinking about next week.

No issues with Gawn getting the medal, but I was desperately hoping for Turner to snatch a couple of late ones after Richmond's surrender and make it interesting. Nobody will live up to Jack Viney doing an Australia Day speech last year, but if anyone was ever going to accidentally drop the magic on national TV, in front of a big crowd minus the bit where Richmond fans used to be, it would have been a shock winner who's never done media in his life. Instead it was back to "It's Petracca!!1!" style organisational chaos when Maximum was invited to speak into a microphone set for somebody about two feet shorter. And as I have no further comments we will move on to the administrative portion of the review.

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Jake Lever
3 - Daniel Turner
2 - Steven May
1 - Kysaiah Pickett

Apologies to Howes, Oliver and Petracca. Special mention to Laurie for performance per minutes played.

Leaderboard
This contest is more interesting than watching us play, with Maximum clawing his way into the lead and Petracca being swamped by more non-midfielders than any time in recent memory. May and Lever go to battle for the Seecamp, and hello after all these years to the 'if they've played four games or less at the start of the season' Rising Star rule. Bit harsh on Howes to lose the lead after being solid all year, but that's the system we're playing under - until it gets changed again on a whim.

16 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
14 - Steven May (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Christian Petracca
11 - Jake Lever
8 - Alex Neal-Bullen, Jack Viney
7 - Judd McVee
5 - Clayton Oliver
4 - Bayley Fritsch, Tom McDonald, Tom Sparrow
3 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Rising Star Award)
2 - Kade Chandler, Trent Rivers
1 - Jack Billings, Blake Howes, Kysaiah Pickett

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
The prettiest one was Fritsch on the run in the last quarter, but for "didn't see that coming" potential, and because the season leaderboard will remain unchanged I'm going for the Turner set shot from an angle.

1st - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
2nd - Jack Viney (Q2) vs Port Adelaide
3rd - Bayley Fritsch (Q3, #2) vs Adelaide

Occasion Watch (Incorporating Cancellation Corner)
Bill Hicks was for the war but against the troops, while I'm for Anzac Day but against Anzac Day Eve. Commemorate the fighting forces for the rest of the round until your bugle falls off, but the full ceremony should be reserved for a standalone game on the day itself. Whether that's played in Victoria, interstate, or the Mogadishu Cricket Ground I care not but coming in early while trying to flog commemorative merch feels crass. And to make sure my brake cables are slashed, enough fawning over New Zealand anthem. There's nothing wrong with it, but for one day a year people act like Leonard Cohen has just teleported in to sing Hallelujah.

Next week
Regardless of my belief in us shapeshifting to match the opposition, it's all gets a bit serious over the next couple of weeks. First Geelong, who just flat-out refuse to the do the polite thing and far cough so somebody else can have a go. Like cockroaches after a nuclear attack, they will never be eradicated and good luck to them for it. Doesn't mean we can't win, but since the epic Preliminary Final mauling they've beaten us twice, and reasonably comfortably. At the risk of being called defeatist I'd be surprised if we won, but maybe they'll all get the alleged shits again? Either way, it should be a good week for replays of Gawn After The Siren and/or Gawn Goes Bananas.

I've got no idea what to suggest for selection. This was far from an inspiring performance, but now that Casey's gone to god after several good years I'm not sure how much is in the tank. I'll give Windsor a week off rather than running him into dust by the end of the year. Petty is playing like he's seen a ghost so give him a week to get some touch in the seconds, and when the Turner experience suffers the natural law of diminishing returns we can wheel him back out. My initial thought was to bring Brown back, but I'm reliably told he didn't go near it in the VFL so bad luck. I'll give Fullarton a go while Shane McAdam warms up in the background. And Laurie is rewarded for one of the better sub games we've ever had by... doing it again.

IN: Fullarton, Hunter
OUT: Petty (omit), Windsor (managed)
LUCKY: Nil
UNLUCKY: Laurie (to stay sub), McAdam, Tomlinson

Final thoughts
God knows how many times I've said this since winning stopped being a novelty, but while it wasn't pretty we did what needed to be done, nobody got hurt, and I don't think Pickett belted anyone so bring on the next challenger.

Rough landing

I'm a subscriber to the 'marathon not sprint' philosophy, but if there's ever a time to nervously tug at your collar it's after seeing your team limp to the bye after six games. I've been terrified about our depth all season, this was a frightening vision of what things could look like by August if we're not lucky.

Retain your bundle for now, generous final margin aside this was our worst performance in Victoria since late 2019 but there's a long way to go. You'll remember beating the Lions by 10 goals at their ground then losing a final to them three weeks later. I'm alert and a bit alarmed, but conserving energy in case the premiership anaesthetic wears off and I need to throw a massive tantrum later in the year. In 2022 we beat the Lions on their ground by 10 goals and lost a final to them three weeks later. I'm alert and maybe a bit alarmed, but conserving materials in case they're needed for a big FO panic bonfire in winter.

I thought our last quarter against the Crows was just natural reaction to a five day break, then we returned from Fortress Adelaide and dropped this steaming turdburger after seven days rest. Maybe they spent the week on an Ivan Drago-style training program, maybe Brisbane just outplayed, outran, outcoached, and outniggled us. No serious harm done if valuable lessons were learnt.

Years ago there was a game against Footscray that we lost by an unfairly slender margin and I floated the idea of a weather report-style "Feels Like" score. Early in the last quarter this was heading towards the extreme upset end of the scale, before the last few minutes were so comically silly that it just drifted back to "you've got to laugh territory". But not for long. Mocking a shit movie doesn't work on repeat viewings.    

If there's any benefit to kicking 1.7 across the middle quarters in front of a national audience it's that Channel 7 will surely blacklist us from Thursday night. Maybe Friday and Saturday too if we carry on like this. I wouldn't have supported the worst timeslot since 4.40pm Sunday if not for the unprecedented scenario of finishing work just at the right time, but against all odds this drew a home and away record between the clubs. This wasn't enough for simpletons, usually followers of too-big-to-fail clubs, who think the rest of us can pull big crowds from our arse for regulation home and away games. The MCG - who never bothered responding to my sour but polite post Round 1 complaint - is guilty of making it look worse by shutting the top of the Ponsford, but if the people who know everything could tell us the ideal crowd for Melbourne vs Brisbane on a Thursday night we'll carpet bomb the city with free tickets next time to make them happy. 

Maybe take inspiration from the ground's ultimate drawcard and play Taylor Swift at full forward. Like Tay Tay I was left thinking about jumping off a very tall something. There's no point wasting too much time on this game so the TL:DR is that Brisbane gently manoeuvred around rapidly disintegrating opposition for three quarters then played a half-arse last term when the points were in the bag. I'm happy to avoid a thrashing, but there's no doubt we were lucky to escape with our dignity intact.

If you fell into a coma at the two minute mark of the first quarter there's no need to catch up because our night never got better. The first goal suggested bigger and better things, with ANB running into goal, realising he didn't have anyone to handball to and doing an outside of the boot slice over the top and through a vacant square. It was delightful, but regrettably reminded Brisbane to turn up and treat us with contempt for the next three quarters. They beat tomato can opposition last week and didn't face much more of a challenge here. We were flatter than a plateful of piss, and no matter how hard they tried the usual suspects couldn't lift the tone.

Our forward line was back to Round Nothing potency, and the common denominator is that Kysaiah Pickett was suspended both times. I don't know if he'd have saved us here, but playing without him is the equivalent of putting your phone on ultra power saving mode. The obvious solution is for him to stop whacking people, and while I'm sure that's the message behind the scenes we still embarrassed ourselves by challenging the suspension on grounds so flimsy Dennis Denuto would have refused to get involved. Remember when we were scrambling to pay the power bill? Now it's several thousand dollars of hard earned up in smoke to do the equivalent of saying "come on man" to a judge. Not surprisingly, the league didn't fall for it, and nobody went home happy except the lawyers.

I don't know if the X-Men's own Koltyn Tholstrup had been thumping on the door for selection (and how could you when the second tier league barely ever plays?), but wasn't against giving him a go. Nobody on our list can do what Pickett does, and there's not much else in the tank so why not. He was in everything early, possibly setting the record for most involvements in play before first disposal. Like the rest of the side he sank once Brisbane got going, but it's got to start somewhere. He becomes the first player to debut in a 50 point loss since Kade Chandler, and I hope he doesn't also go missing for 2.5 years immediately afterwards.

If you were watching live, you would understand exactly what I mean by saying we just looked off. Everything felt like it took Herculean toil, while they were walking out of packs, pulling down marks from end-to-end, and in Cam Rayner's case aiming for the clearance world record by half time. Brisbane has form for blowing big leads, both this year and recently against us, but by quarter time my confidence was shot. The backline was beaten early but credit to them for keeping the score relatively low considering the pace, ease, and volume of ball they were trying to deal with. I have visions of Lever and May sitting on the front porch/at a fancy French restaurant when they're really old laughing at how many times they gave 110% only to lose because no bastard did anything at the other end. 

Fritsch kicked a pearler of a set shot, but otherwise we were always on the back foot. Their forwards were finding all kinds of space, and we were being undone by that old chestnut of quick kicks inside 50. Obviously, Hawthorn is not Brisbane, but it reminded you of how ludicrous it was that they thought the way to crack us open was by doing 800 uncontested possessions first. May and Lever are the greatest double act known to man and Tom McSizzle is having his best season in years but none can help against players on a lead having the ball kicked to their advantage. And thus it briefly looked like we were going to be ripped to shreds by the Hipwood/Daniher combination. They did their bit early before standing back and letting their teammates enjoy the free-for-all atmosphere.

The mood wasn't helped by Salem doing a hammy. We were already playing Oliver with Dr. Hook levels of hand mobility, and bullshit Petracca was 100%, so losing another important player didn't help. In his place came Taj Woewodin, finally allowed to do something other than a fourth quarter cameo, but in an unfamiliar role that didn't do him any favours. I wonder if a player has ever missed their teammate going off hurt, turned around to see the sub on the ground and wondered what they were doing there. Do they ask who got hurt, or just carry on like nothing's out of the ordinary.

Ordinary was the theme of the night, and it was one of the biggest beltings our midfield has had in recent years. The forwards were bad, but everything started with us getting picked apart in the centre of the ground. It got to the point where Gawn had to try and take everything out of the ruck and boot it forward in hope, because he knew hitting it towards the ground was an open invitation for Brisbane to go into attack. The quick kick forward out of the middle has worked before, but this time it was relying on JVR unable to mark over his head, Brown barely mobile, and Petty so far out of the game that he may as well have stayed in Adelaide. 

Surely the only reason Oliver was playing is that there were no other midfielders left, but I'd have preferred to try Salem (pre-injury) or Rivers at the (cliche alert) coalface if it meant the poor bastard could have a rest. It was as painful for everyone involved watching him trying to play one-handed, especially when somebody had the genius idea to put him in defence and expect him to tackle opponents while wearing the Nintendo Power Glove. Given how badly the forwards were going I don't know why we didn't just park him in a pocket and as far out of the action as possible. Now he's gone for surgery on it and we're in ClaytsWatch mode to see if he makes it for the Richmond game. Just let the man rest, I know it went tits up the last time he had time off but surely we're not going through another fiasco like that.

If you're into excuses that prove it wasn't our fault, there was a bit of wacky umpiring. See, for instance, Daniher getting a 50 and goal against May for a tangle of arms. Then later the ball was flat out chucked over Lever's head and the umpire indicated that it was his fault for not sticking his arm far enough in the air. Then there was the sort of absurdly high standard for 'unsufficient intent' that makes commentators suggest the last touch rule, instead of the simpler compromise of the league telling umps they don't have to be such tightarses about it. But we were so useless that it wouldn't have helped if all the contentious calls went our way. 

After blowing a seven goal lead against Carlton, I was open to the Lions forgetting how to play football after quarter time. This did not happen, and we fell victim to bad luck as much as bad planning + everything else when the first goal after the break came via a scuffed kick along the ground bouncing straight up into the hands of a player to snap home. That was the sort of stuff going in Brisbane's favour while we struggled to get the ball down our end in the first place, much less getting in a position where it could be kicked towards a contest and rapidly turned back. This was quite offensive, and I imagine there was a spike on the PTV website as people tried to journey plan the early train home. 

Their second of the quarter came via acting so hammy it deserved to be on the theatre restaurant circuit. I suggest reducing the risk of frees from endless stoppages by not letting the ball get down there so easily in the first place. Optionally try to make some decent contests at the other end and see if you're the ones who get lucky.

By now our backline had regained control and we were less likely to lose by 98 points, but we looked every chance of finishing the evening on 2.8.14. Under usual circumstances you could dream about reeling in a five goal margin at half time, it was never going to happen in a million years here. This was the day to make an outlandish "if we win I'll XYZ" claim and be safe from eating hats/shit/endangered species. It wasn't worth jumping the gun and conceding the season but I was miserable enough to spend $22.70 on food and drink that would have cost them about $1.70. The sensible thing to do when that came up on the register would have been to declare change of mind and depart, but I was too glum to argue. Consider it my equivalent of the religious types who crucify themselves for Easter.

There was faint light at the end of the tunnel when Chandler kicked a delightful goal a couple of minutes after the restart. In isolation all our our goals had been worthy of the highlight of the reel, it's just that there were only three of them. I'd have taken any quantity over quality slop at this point. We would have given it right back if not for a fingertip save by McDonald and I remained sceptical about a heartwarming recovery. Rightly so too, because we only cleared it far enough for them to kick another point, before turning into an eight point play that left us two worse off than before Chandler's goal.

We'd managed to stop conceding goals hand over fist, but as Brisbane steadily ran the margin up we were facing our first genuine low scoring thumping since Port Adelaide at the Gabba in front of 323 people. Somehow it never got that bad, but I don't know how much credit we can take for that. Anyone still holding hope of coming back to win would be popular with telemarketers, but after Oliver's handball was picked off in front of goal it was as close to the Reverse Chris Sullivan Line as we've come since peak COVID.

Respectability was temporarily back on the cards when Brown got on the end of the sort of kick we hadn't gone close to delivering all night. Things were going so badly that Gawn hadn't even left the centre circle before we were giving it back. I didn't expect to fly home and win this but the express return service was insulting. Fortunately the rest of the quarter was played in a free and easy fashion that would have had TV executives slashing their wrists after the bit where people would have been deciding whether to keep watching or go to bed was as boring as batshit. 

The only serious question asked in the final quarter was, 'What's a Noah Answerth?' Just above minimum wage if his career record is anything to go by, but in the same week a player was suspended for actual offensive language can we not fall into the media trap of getting excited about this fringe peanut doing the fake tears routine to Harrison Petty? Petty didn't actually seem to care, so let's not go over the top rushing to defend his honour. He should invite Noah over for a mediation session and show where the premiership medal is kept.

The best bit about "lol u cried once" is that seven games ago the Lions lost a Grand Final in heartbreaking circumstances, and I'm sure a few tears were shed. Either that or all the emotional damage was channelled into a Las Vegas porkfest. In a surprise twist, I feel bad for Dayne Zorko. He comes off as an objectionable character but I've got no doubt he wishes the original incident would go away and wouldn't appreciate being roped into it again. 

Until Petty says he was offended I'm inclined to not care less. He's probably happy for this low-grade nonsense to take focus off a night where he didn't have a touch for 3.5 quarters. The service to our forward line was 100% Fawlty Towers, but even Brown and van Rooyen got a couple of touches while otherwise doing sod all. The MCG scoreboard operator wasn't helping, flashing up his zero disposal total midway through his run-up to goal. I suppose it was their only opportunity. Around the same time we were told that Ben Brown had 29 metres gained, which could have said anything from 1 to 10,000 metres and added nothing to my matchday experience.

I hope Brisbane were just disinterested, and not out of petrol in a way that we could have run them down if several goals closer. At one point we got two goals in a row, and Petracca just missed what would have been the saddest Mad Minute in history. If point shaving was a thing in this competition the AFL Integrity Unit would've fallen off their chair watching this. Brisbane didn't even bother to give their sub a token run, leaving the poor bastard kicking his heels and trying to work out if he'd have to play a full game in the Reserves or if the VFL had another week off for Peru vs Guam. 

By the time Lever kicked a goal from the top of the square after a 50 I was almost enjoying how ludicrous it had become. Then I remembered how we'd ended up there in the first place and felt cheated for showing up again. I'll admit to having a "I wonder if there's enough time left..." hallucination towards the end, before checking the AFL app to discover there was a minute and a half left. Obviously not, and we appear to have benefited from cue and rack being merged more successfully than Brisbane and Lions, but at least there were some cheap, meaningless thrills on a night that was threatening full doom spiral.

A bit of pressure-free scoring in landfill-sized junk time isn't going to fool anyone, we deserved every bit of the moral thrashing dished out. Weird shit happens, and as much as toppling the unbeaten Port didn't instantly mean clearing a space for flag #14, this is not a sign that we're going to float into space never to be seen again. But if we do it'll be a good example to go back to and say "I knew this was going to happen", whether you meant it or not.

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Jake Lever
3 - Tom McDonald
2 - Trent Rivers
1 - Steven May

Apologies to Chandler and nobody else

Leaderboard
It's getting crowded at the top, but even in a rare week where he didn't go near the votes I'd expect Petracca to poll better than a defender and a ruckman if they all play the same number of games by the end of the year. Still, nice to have some drama at the top of the leaderboard. No change in the minors, but 

14 - Christian Petracca
12 - Steven May (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
11 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
8 - Alex Neal-Bullen, Jack Viney
7 - Jake Lever, Judd McVee
5 - Clayton Oliver
4 - Bayley Fritsch, Tom McDonald, Tom Sparrow
2 - Kade Chandler, Trent Rivers
1 - Jack Billings, Blake Howes (LEADER: Rising Star Award)

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Joke of a contest under the circumstances, but the first three were the best. I'll go for the ANB slice narrowly over Fritsch's set shot and Chandler from the boundary. Lever runs fourth for novelty value. No change to the overall leaderboard. 

1st - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
2nd - Jack Viney (Q2) vs Port Adelaide
3rd - Bayley Fritsch (Q3, #2) vs Adelaide

Crowd watch
If turnout was so disappointing, how come I couldn't get away from people by sitting in the very back row of the Olympic Stand. One of the teenagers sitting a few seats away provided entertainingly over-the-top tantrums as things went from bad to worse, and I thought that at his age it must have seemed a lifetime since we seriously stunk out the MCG, if he remembered it at all. A generation who don't recognise our full legal name as "defeated Melbourne" will be seriously disappointed when we eventually swing back to misery. In a throwback to the good old days of people doing whatever they wanted in level four, one even fired up a random smoke mid-match. At modern tobacco prices that's as big a waste of money as challenging Pickett's suspension.

Next week (+1)
Finally, it's Yze Anzac Day. Not how I'd expected it in early 2021 though. Maybe we should counter by bringing his brother back into the fold? I'm all for remaining calm after this lost, but if we lose to declining years Richmond there will be cause for concern. Against all odds there's no VFL bye, state game, or alien invasion to stop Casey from playing this week. Just to make sure it doesn't come across like a sane and sensible competition they're away to Port Melbourne at Frankston. 

I don't know what this will tell us about changes, but even with a week to reflect on being morally pantsed here we can't just carry on like nothing's changed. Don't know who will cover Salem when our entire fit reserves list with senior experience is Fullarton, Hunter, Laurie, Schache and Tomlinson. Good luck with that. It won't be Woewodin again, but he still should get a full game, and even if it's not a straight swap he can replace Billings, who has played one good game in six. We might be stuffed for depth but this isn't the Make A Wish Foundation. No point making him the sub, so after we chose not to ruin Tholstrup's debut by sitting him on the bench half the night his chance comes in game two. 

One of the tall forwards has to go, and the unlucky victim is Brown. He's welcome to come back later, but we're one tall over. Despite his struggles here I'm saving Petty, because a) he murdered Richmond last time, b) I'm not giving in to media-generated sooking, and c) we need to know if he's worth persisting with forward, because he used to be a shit-hot defender and neither May or McDonald is getting any younger. JVR survives because he's the second ruck and I don't want him to sook up and ask for a trade to West Coast.

I'd like to think we'll win, but my confidence is in the toilet now so I'll revert to the default position of believing we're the better side but waiting for evidence to prove it. I'm never quite sure how many people should be coming in and out when messing with the subs, so if this doesn't balance just add or subtract whoever you like best.

IN: Pickett, Woewodin, Hunter + Tholstrup to sub
OUT: Salem (inj), Billings, B. Brown (omit)
LUCKY: Petty, Tholstrup, van Rooyen, Woewodin
UNLUCKY: Tomlinson for being the best player out of the side but playing the only position we don't need a replacement for. 

Final thoughts
Sometimes they should burn the tapes of a rancid loss and move on. This should be enforced viewing for players and coaches alike over the bye week, even if it involves a Clockwork Orange style aparatus. Take all the excuses in the world and stuff them up your jumper, if this isn't a valuable learning experience for everyone we don't deserve to be in the mix.

Holiday Road

Who knows where we're at in the cycle between good and not embarrassingly awful, but I know I'll never come to terms with being certain of beating anybody. This might have been a second away game in a few days, with injury clouds galore, and a full house of opposition fans howling for free kicks, but Adelaide was also winless, scoring at 1921 pace, and with a raft of inclusions who you couldn't pick out of a lineup and I was still worried they'd run down our five goal lead. In a best-of-both-worlds scenario, my paranoia was justified and we still won.

Like Geelong, Sydney, and (until recently) West Coast, Adelaide feels like a club who are never out of the limelight too long. In reality, they haven't played finals since 2017 so apparently it's no Jake Lever, no Crows. I respect their ongoing disdain for him, but it must be disappointing when somebody legs it from your club in controversial circumstances, then adds flag to shitloads of money. Our Carnival of Hate target only got half that, but I reckon it was the half that meant most to him. Unfortunately for upset Crows fans, Jake has won on every metric. And if that's not worth posting this all-purpose reaction shot I'm *consults list of obscure Adelaide players* Myles Poholke.

The opportunity to rumble two South Australian teams in a week came from 'Gather Round', which joins the 'Tasmanian JackJumpers' as proof that you don't need a good name to be successful. Sadly St. Kilda beat us to doing the Adelaide Oval version of the Doomsday Double in 2020, but we're the first to beat both with full crowds, a five day break, and every unaligned malaka in Australia barracking for the upset. You may choose to throw in umpires, but we did pretty well despite them until the final quarter.

We'll never be rid of this round so may as well embrace it, but no matter how much enthusiasm you can muster it will never reach the "look at how much fun we're having, THIS IS SO MUCH FUN" frenzy of Channel 7, who treated a perfect ordinary game like the colonisation of Mars. North Korea puts out more subtle propaganda broadcasts, and I'm not against joining in if somebody slips me a reasonably sized bung by next season. For the right price I'll attend the games, do the stadium roof climb, and roam the Veale Gardens. Send offers via DM.

For now, apologies for not going right over the top for this. There will be plenty of opportunities in the future, like Big Bash League, it's gone so well early that the organisers are preparing to go too far and stuff it up. For now, all the effort is pointed at South Australia, right down to suck-up commentators talking about the Adelaide Oval like it was the first time footy had been played there. Imagine when somebody from Saudi Arabia with unlimited money accidentally stumbles upon the AFL while flicking through his TV channels and they end up selling a round to Riyadh.

Even if you've still got the joy of life, it must have been hard to get into the spirit of things when we were drawn against a side we've played in Adelaide practically every year since 1991. As far as atmosphere goes it was better than losing to Essendon in a half-empty ground last year, but scored 0% for novelty value. As long as we get paid the same I'd rather play North at Norwood Oval, Mt. Barker, or the Rundle Mall at 5.10pm on a Friday next year.

The advantage to playing the locals in succession is that scientists and people who just want to hang shit on South Australians can compare the pair to see if Crows fans did the same sort of mad, anti-social theatrics as Port. We didn't have as many shots from the boundary line, but I saw less vigorous waving of middle finger with teeth hanging precariously. One neckbeard had a go but you could tell he was putting on an act for TV. Maybe Adelaide management is better at directing people who carry on like deros in public away from the cameras. 

A trip that might have turned into National Lampoons Vacation ended in near-universal positivity. The first part was an us against the world experience, including families, and footage of an emotional Goodwin speech that made you appreciate how much this all means to him. This was often-tedious struggle where we did enough in a short burst that the last quarter was the equivalent of winning a test series by blocking for 90 overs of the fifth day. They can't all be classics, so I'm happy to be paid in cold, hard wins.

Had we cocked this up, and we've got form for either losing to or barely beating Adelaide in recent seasons, injury drama would have been the runner-up excuse behind umpiring. Steven May was playing with various cracks, one of Clayton Oliver's hands was basically a prop, and off a short break Ben Brown played like he could have done with a spot of 'managing'. We chose to play them all and got away with it, so happy days. I expected Crows players to go after May before the bounce, revealing his chest protector a'la Jeff Farmer 2000 Grand Final or D-Lo Brown Summerslam '98. Instead Taylor Walker hugged him, sensibly realising that his image rebuild is going well, so best not derail it by punching on with an indigenous player. 

It wasn't just real-life player concerns, I went unexpectedly mystical and fretted that the dormant MFC Media Curse would return to poke Alex Neal-Bullen in both eyes. Now that he's been discovered 150 games in, the Bullet's profile has expanded to where he represented us the pre-match press conference. It helps that he's South Australian, but if that was the criteria they could have invited Chandler, Goodwin, Petty, Pickett or Sparrow. Even Jack Viney qualifies to play internationals for them through his dad. To make it more dramatic they should have staged a run-in from an NWO-style faction including Jace Bode, Alex Georgiou, and the Cockatoo-Collins brothers.

Neal-Bullen has come a long way in the four years since we declined to try and downgrade his over the top suspension for accidentally bouncing an Adelaide player like a basketball. Maybe we couldn't afford it due to COVID, shame our incumbent president couldn't put his legal training towards a heroic, last-ditch effort to save ANB from missing a quarter of the season. To be fair to the alleged curse this wasn't his best game, but considering the publicity it's a step up from the expected total permanent disablement. He did his bit, everyone did. It was the kind of win you wish was more decisive at the time, but come to appreciate once the points are in the bag.

It wouldn't have mattered if this was Gather Round, Pride Round, or United Nations World Peace Round, I was in zero condition for a Thursday night game and just wanted to go to bed. Even worse when the expected 7.20 bounce was actually 7.40. Many would have given up and watched on delay in the morning. Or, more sensibly, woken up, checked the score, gone "as expected" or "christ, that's unfortunate", and moved on with life. I'm not there yet, and likely never will be. Then the last quarter woke me right up, I couldn't sleep, and Friday was a write-off. Thanks for the primetime coverage, back to 1.10pm Sunday thanks.

Because Adelaide came dressed like a right-wing militia, we were back in the disco jumper. It's still got that god-awful monogram but I'll accept that they haven't been home to change it yet. I'd cynically auction them off as 'Fortress Adelaide Oval' commemorative items, stuff any leftovers down the hotel laundry chute, and go back to the old design.

In the grandest MFC tradition, we were easily getting the ball inside 50 in the early minutes for no reward. Windsor became our first deserved Goal of the Year nominee last week, before balancing the ledger by booting one OOF here. It was one of his rare missteps, as he swept around the ground gracefully like a 100 gamer. No rational person expects him to do more than this after five games but he's going to rip a game to bits eventually. 

We finally got some reward when Harrison Petty put on a demo for the team that will soon park a truck full of money outside his house, juggling a mark long enough for the defender to lose control and grab his arms. This is why making a contest inside 50 is so important. We may never be the most efficient attackers in the league, but the more times you make a side defend in the air on the ground, the more you'll get results. Certainly better than just sticking the ball down a defender's throat and relying on him to flub the exit kick. 

This is where Brown comes in handy, if he doesn't have to travel too much distance to the contest. He didn't do a lot here, and is on pace for a world record for 'most times baulked', but plays a part in the overall picture. Somebody else might come along and do it better, or the eventual introduction/reintroduction of McAdam/Melksham might alter the mix, but if we can keep him upright long enough he can contribute in big moments. His bringing of ball to ground won't be any help to Kysaiah Pickett next week, who was rubbed out again for a less-than-subtle bump. There was a bit of Brayden Maynard-related whinging about it being part of a failed smother, but the problem was more the bit where he stopped trying to smother and stuck a shoulder into his opponent's head. It was a silly thing to do, and will look even worse if our forward line reverts to Round 1A style impotence in his absence.

Our forward entries weren't great, but they were light years ahead of the slop Adelaide was dishing up. They kicked more home and away goals than anyone in 2023 (for all the good it did them) but have been comically bad this year. They eventually got lucky by blundering into a spot where our old chum Rankin Wankin' could snap the first. He's the perfect Crows player, because like the club he always threatens to do serious damage but rarely does. I wonder if he thinks fondly back to debuting against us, in front of a suspiciously round figure 250 people at the Sydney Showgrounds? 

Four years is a long time in football, but departed from our team that night are Bennell, Brayshaw, Hannan, Harmes, Hibberd, Jetta, Lockhart, O. McDonald, vandenBerg and Weideman + Melksham. And amongst the departures from Gold Coast's team... Rankin. I'm sure he'll have a long and lucrative career, but it would be Nathan Brown at Richmond level funny if the Suns made finals while he was trying to make shit into salad at the Crows.

Adelaide ended up with a shot directly from the next bounce. It missed, but the rest of the quarter wasn't nearly as fun as the first five minutes. They were stealing our gimmick, making movement of the ball a traumatic ordeal. It took a combination of the top shelf talent to restore the gap, with Petracca fully extending to make the most of an ordinary kick on the boundary line, then Pickett kicking the sort of lovely checkside set shot from an obscure angle that we'll probably be sorely missing next week.

This would have been death for neutrals or anyone expecting us to romp to victory on a five day break. Sorry Channel 7, you can't put us on twice in a week and expect both games to be entertaining. As far as opening ceremonies went, this was on the same level as Diana Ross at the 1994 World Cup. Not that you'd know it from the broadcaster, who paid off Bruce Lehrmann's expenses bill by having the time of several people's lives. The token sensible commentator parked tried hard to keep some gravitas in his contractually obligated excitement while shrieking buffoon BT interchanged 'fun facts' and off-the-cuff shite.

Things never looked like getting away from us, and the Crows were kicking for goal as if drunk, but we were worryingly ordinary at breaking through their lines. Despite this we would have gone into the break at worst level if not for a rotten piece of DemonTime play. Trent Rivers may have had a homesick leg because he spent the first half turning everything over. He obviously missed whatever novelty placard the bench was holding up to indicate that the quarter was nearly over, turning over an excessively ambitious kick, leading to another end of first quarter goal in the same pocket as last week. I still had faith we'd win as long as their forwards didn't get going, but we felt a bit off.

The only post-goal highlight of the opening term was May playing through obvious pain, including a heart-in-mouth collision that left him looking like somebody had gone his ribcage with an icepick. He survived, and overcame the physical handicaps to play another quality game. What a man. We all know about him and Lever as a duo, but how good has McSizzle's second coming as a defender been? And if you've had enough of me fawning over the big defenders, let's have some Judd McVee chat. There wasn't much excitement when he was picked for Round 1 last year, but what a success story. He's ice cold in the contest, and has a level of decision making/disposal skill that nobody expects from us. It's almost at the point where forwards need to defend him.

Any mockery of the Crows for not kicking straight went to pieces when we booted a bunch of behinds to start the second quarter. The worst was Billings running into the most open of goals and missing. After recovering from a shaky start to score votes on his full debut, his last two weeks have been average to shizen. Never mind, I remember Jake Melksham was written off in his early weeks before he returning as a key part of the side, spending a couple of years being written off again, then launching a solid career revival that left people genuinely distressed about his major injury. Probably time to give somebody else a go. Taj Woewodin spent his week in Adelaide coming on for two last quarters and didn't do much, but how are you meant to judge dinky cameo performances like that? Give him a full game and see what happens.  

It looked like we may never kick a goal again, until what I can describe without exaggeration as one of the all-time greatest smothers. It lacked the context of Heath Shaw in a Grand Final, but should be included on the relevant Wikipedia page in place of Jayden Hunt and a frighteningly young Christian Petracca from the day Jack Watts dicked Collingwood. Sparrow might be hoping that once the bank truck is finished with Petty, it will roll back over the border at the end of 2026 when he's free to pursue enormous buckets of cash.

A decade ago the most used terms on this site were "farce", "shambles", and "farceshambles", now it's some variation on "we couldn't get rid of [opposition team]". Just when you thought the breakthrough goal would lift us to bigger and better things Adelaide got two in response. The reply to the response was a beautiful set shot by Chandler, who then offered the retort to the reply to the response by giving away a downfield free that would have led to his own goal being wiped out immediately if a toe-poke from the square hadn't just missed. The marking forwards were nowhere to be seen, but for another two and a bit quarters we had Pickett to chip in.

Don't turn off a Melbourne game in the last couple of minutes of a quarter because somebody will probably kick a goal. This time it was us, when JVR took his first good key forward mark of the night and Baron Von Crow copped a 50 for telling the umpire to watch the replay. There was probably a massive block by Brown, but it's not going to help whinging about it. However, at another point during the game an Adelaide defender grabbed his arm after a goal to indicate he'd been held, which provoked a video review because they thought he was claiming to have touched it.  

I thought he was unlucky to be pinched by the sudden reappearance of the dissent rule, but the Dockers getting done in even more controversial circumstances two days later suggests there's a crackdown on. Next, they'll start paying 50s for moving on the mark again, after five weeks of players tiptoeing through the tulips while on the mark. The Freo fiasco showed me that once you've conceded enough from the 50 that the player can't get any closer to goal, you've got until all clear has been signalled to say whatever you like to the umpire so let's see somebody test that theory. Just keep giving away token 50s until you get reported for time wasting. Teams can't get players to come off the ground at the best of times, imagine them trying to get somebody from goalsquare to bench while he's constantly running over the mark. Then an opposition player gets frustrated, throws him on the ground, the free is reversed, and we have a new greatest moment in the history of footy.

The late goals set up a 17 point lead at the half, and that should have been enough against opposition who'd only scored 3.8.26 in a half. I was fanging for a surprise 12 goal to nil quarter so I could go to bed safely knowing the win was in the back and watch the rest in the morning. This looked half a chance when Fritsch got the first, but after Brown missed his opportunity to lay the boots in, they got one in the other direction via a block on May that was almost as good as the one that provoked dissent. We held our tongue, they kicked the goal anyway, and this was staying competitive too long for my liking. Enter spontaneous goalkicking specialist Fritsch for two more, and if a burst from the middle hadn't narrowly been touched through we might have done enough. Alas no, but not before we got a chance to laugh at their fans for being mid-bronx cheer of a missed set shot when van Rooyen marked for his second. 

Nothing was coming easy, but we dragged the margin beyond five goals on the way to three quarter time. Even after giving one back there were multiple chances to restore a margin that sensible people would have been comfortable with. Gawn spun the ball out of his hands before starting his run-up, Billings won a free kick at close range, but they both missed and we were left defending a 28 point lead at the final change. If I'd known Adelaide had never come back from so far behind the last few minutes would have been even more agonising. Famous last words, but other than the famed Chris Sullivan Line game, the only comparable collapses are 38 points vs Geelong in 1936 and 28 vs Richmond in 1972. None of which had a cracker of relevance to what was happening here, but I still reserved the right to shit my shorts about being run down. Probably helps that for about five decades combined we were too shit to be ahead at three quarter time let, alone by this many points.

I'm still not sure if BurgessBall is a real thing, but with him now at Adelaide I was a bit spooked about them running us down due to the short break, half-fit players, and 'noise of affirmation' from their fans that was louder than a Airbus A380. Enter 30 minutes of us hanging off the ropes while they hit us with the equivalent of rolled-up newspapers. 

Matthew Nicks is on the Brendan Bolton scheme for arriving as a senior coach full of cheer and departing with the haunted look of somebody who has lost their life savings to a pyramid scheme. He gave up on coaching from the sidelines, but you could see why he's avoided the Adelaide coaches' box this long when forced to sit in front of a 'Rite Price Heating Cooling' sign that looked like it was made in MS Paint for the right price of free.

Putting cameras on coaches mid-match is ridiculously intrusive, but if you don't care about making somebody uncomfortable in their workplace it's good for comedy content. Like when they cut to Nicks staring intently at his laptop, causing him to look away when realising everyone was about to Photoshop screenshots of him looking at seek.com. Fortunately, this happened just before they launched their great revival, stopping it from achieving peak meme status.

It probably only needed one goal to put them away, but we were back to carpet-bombing the goals for no reward. The good news is they were too, and in a red-letter quarter for spectacle, both sides combined for 2.11. Our problem was that they got the two, leaving us holding on for dear life in the final minutes. It never got to 100% panic mode, but it was close. They'd just kicked one, and burst out of the middle for what would surely have reduced the gap to single figures with plenty of time left, only for some hapless fool to get ahead of himself and spoil a kick that was heading directly into the hands of a reigning 70+ goalkicker. They never got another chance, and thanks to more top defence - including May going all out for a spoil despite his skeleton only tenuously holding together - we ran the clock down long enough to make sure of it.

You wouldn't watch the replay - and the season to date probably only qualifies for an extended highlights package - but what needed to happen did. If last week was the big up yours to everyone who is not us, this was a professionally done investment in our future ladder position. There should be more of it. But more accurately, there should be more of having games won so early that you can put your feet up and enjoy them instead of nearly having a spew on the couch.

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Christian Petracca
4 - Judd McVee
3 - Steven May
2 - Tom Sparrow
1 - Max Gawn

Apologies to Chandler, Lever, McDonald, and Windsor

Leaderboard
After five games we've got a spread of votes around the ground, for young and old, but sooner or later there will always be a midfielder at the top of the table. And here we are, with Petracca extending the gap. No alterations in the minors, except for Gawn being on the verge of provisional Stynes status by mid-April.

14 - Christian Petracca
11 - Steven May (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
8 - Alex Neal-Bullen, Jack Viney
7 - Judd McVee
6 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year),
5 - Clayton Oliver
4 - Bayley Fritsch, Tom Sparrow
3 - Jake Lever
2 - Kade Chandler
1 - Jack Billings, Blake Howes (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Tom McDonald

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
It's got to be hat trick hero Fritsch for the mark-turn-goal on the run in the middle of his treble. I liked it enough that it goes beyond one of Viney's and onto the leaderboard but we're still waiting for an absolute ripper to take control of this contest. 

1st - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
2nd - Jack Viney (Q2) vs Port Adelaide
3rd - Bayley Fritsch (Q3, #2) vs Adelaide

Next week
It's Brisbane, fresh off an easy drought-breaking win over tomato can opposition. Here's hoping they get excited at beating nothing, fall out with each other over rogue rooting again, and let us build some more buffer going into the bye. Probably not, even if we have beaten them comfortably a couple of times in recent years. We won't get away with playing like we did against the Crows, but should deservedly start favourites. 

Bad luck if you were thinking about basing your changes on a VFL game, because the competition shut for a week after Round 2 for a state game. Hooray for not letting the Big V down, but if there's anything that drives me to wanting a national reserves competition ASAP it's slamming the brakes on the second tier comp a few weeks in so a bootleg 'Victoria' team, featuring a bunch of Southport players could lose to SA at something called 'Stratarama Stadium'. Get stuffed. Would have been a good opportunity for the no longer injured Lachie Hunter to have a run, instead he's left twiddling his thumbs so the spirit of Ted Whitten can live on through Boyd Woodcock.

With nothing else to go on, I'm landing on Andy Moniz-Wakefield as a random first gamer. Then later Kynan Brown, then Marvel Cinematic Universe's own Koltyn Tholstrup. Any of the above will be fine, I'm ruining their debut by making them sub anyway.  

IN: Woewodin, whoever
OUT: Pickett (susp), Billings (omit)
LUCKY: B. Brown
UNLUCKY: Anyone robbed out of putting themselves in the frame by the bullshit state game

Final thoughts
We're home with pockets full of points and hopes raised of being amongst the best in the league again. Like the Griswolds reaching Wally World, we'll probably go through all the pain and suffering of the trip to the finals and turn up to find them shut, but until then you can only beat who they put in front of you.