Contrary to popular belief, you can win every week. But only under the name North Melbourne. In the week of an absurdly premature story about looking ahead to playing them in finals, it turns out we're still vulnerable to middle of the table opposition in alternative timezones. Doesn't help when four top players get stuck in some bullshit faulty lift, but we've had games this year where they could've walked across hot coals and still romped to victory
Like the Port game, it involved failing to chase down a bad start, but in this case against opposition who suffered a 186-style blowout on the same ground earlier in the year. Unlike certain other teams that were slaughtered after running into a juggernaut at the wrong time, they didn't respond by blowing the club up for years to come. Which is nice for them, not much help to us now.
Before commencing usual programming (now with much less mockery of underwhelming opposition), can I risk straightsplaining Pride Round and ask why we didn't wear the special jumper here? I guess the idea is to debut it at home, but isn't a bit weird to have a jumper for a cause, then deliberately not wear it in the round dedicated to that cause? Why not just have it in both games, it's not like they're going to debut it at Casey Fields for the benefit of thousands of people ready to trample each other for the chance to buy one. (Update - ok, it's a two round thing. So wear it in both? Update update - possible jumper clash issue. Needs to go full rainbow next year for the benefit of people who'd unnecessarily blow their stack).
Lucky it wasn't 'Survivors Of An Air Raid' Round, because we were back at the place where the siren makes a noise like the warning of imminent nuclear attack. And it may as well be for Mick Stinear, who has a 70-something percent winning record, a flag, and a life membership waiting for him, but hasn't coached a win at Fremantle Oval since 2018. We've won once there since, but he missed the game because his wife was giving birth (and fair enough too), and I'm sure the nearly seven year old kid is gutted that dad has never coached another win since - including two consecutive losses by under a goal.
Last year's loss in this fixture could be blamed on injuries before the game, this time you could argue we were hurt by injuries during, but both times we could've and probably should've won regardless. The key difference is this time we've already done the work to get established in the top eight (let's dial it back a bit on the top four hopes), while last year there was a lot more injury crisis to get through before we ran out of time to rescue the season. It was a cock-up, but as long as do the right thing for the rest of the year the only serious implications on our finals chances are an enhanced chance of having to play North first up.
The ground didn't just have a novelty siren, in the first quarter we kicked towards a sign suggesting 'The best things in life are Freo'. This was appropriate, because our performance was heavily influenced by the latter part of the surname Vandross. It was, as they say in the classics, flatter than a plateful of piss. Looked good in the opening minutes mind you, where we went forward and did everything but score. In warm and windy conditions (only one of which we'd be familiar with), I'd prefer to put the fear of god into the underdogs ASAP than leave the door open for an upset. That's how you end up relying on Collingwood to miss multiple set shots in the last minute to hang on and win.
Instead, this was less thrashing through bulk goals against hapless opposition and more the 2nd-4th quarters of last week. For all my propaganda about having two divisions, maybe it's good that we get to enjoy clobbering some strugglers instead of risking having to prove ourselves every week. Sorry for not getting more excited by humiliating Gold Coast at the time, but I'm happy to settle for something in the middle. It wasn't happening here, because the Dockers came up with the most effective way of beating us - taking your chances. Expected score can generally get in the bin, but I'd like to know the chances of our previous opposition this season kicking any of the first goals Freo got here. And they were deserved, but many other goals against us this year would've been if the chances hadn't been butchered in spectacular fashion.
The first came from a nice set shot, and by the time the second we'd lost Georgia Gall to an ankle injury where nobody knew who it was because the commentators were calling off a screen in South Melbourne, and they couldn't get a shot on her face or number. You couldn't even tell it was a tall player from the angle she'd collapsed on, so as far as viewers knew it could be anyone from Gall, to Hanks, to Helen of Troy. As it happened on the far side of the ground the in-person boundary rider was no help either, and as she had earlier gone with the formal but lesser used 'Elizabeth McNamara' earlier, I suggest she'd have been about as much use identifying our players without their number as I would be picking Dockers players from a lineup.
Eventually somebody thought to show a replay, which dramatically solved the mystery like the all-time least watched episode of Law and Order. We were down one of our (literal) Big Four forwards for the rest of the game, but look at our points for column, what could possibly go wrong? Turns out the answer is 'playing against competent opposition'. Like when their second goal was delivered on a platter to a leading forward. If we kicked like that, Gold Coast would've lost by 300. Now it was "I didn't think this would so difficult" panic bombs inside 50 for no score.
The spirit of just hoofing it wherever transferred to the backline, where a clearing kick was stuffed right down the gob of somebody - and if you've watched any version of Melbourne this won't surprise you - somebody who previously had two goals in 73 games but easily steered their set shot through. There was too much Chaplin up the ground for my liking, regularly taking our steadiest hand away from defence, and creating an eligibility headache for our Defender of the Year award.
We finally got a chance via a Wotherspoon free, but the thinnest headband in footy missed the lot. She did make amends with a very good mark of the top of the square. With respect to Gall, this was Ryleigh's chance to really get amongst it, but after a promising first half she disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle.
The comeback was shortlived before we conceded a goal to somebody called 'Tunisha', which is also the answer to a drunk person's favourite North African country. And as proof that inside 50s can go and piss up a rope, we'd had more of them by quarter time despite conceding a higher score than some fortnights this season.
You'd almost think all our problems were wind-related based on the second quarter, if the fourth didn't exist to contradict that theory. After a week stuck in the goal waiting queue, Bannan got a much needed one, before we got lucky when a Freo player was coathangered in a tackle and somehow deemed to have been holding the ball by an umpire standing a couple of metres away. Thanks for that. This led to a Zanker shanker set shot that was fortunately near enough to goal that it didn't matter, and we were 2/3 of the way to filling the remaining tall forward bingo card.
Now the margin was under a goal but things still looked ropey. But before long, as my Kayo feed went on and off like a tap, the scores were level. It came good just as a Hore set helicoptered into the hands of bingo wildcard Pearce at the top of the square. I've seen her miss from closer, but through it went and via a few awkward minutes at the end we got to the break just a point down. It was hardly hurricane force breeze, so time to go on with it yeah? Not really. Various early chances went awry, but at least for now our attacks were better value than just generating scores at the other end. In one way you could see us running away with it, in another it makes sense that we lost a thriller.
Our problem was conversion, and after about 12 minutes of attacking for no reward, Freo kicked one against the run of play. The coverage nearly missed the kick while replaying the mark, then celebrated the heartwarming return of a 3x ACL victim by cutting to a glum-looking Melbourne child who clearly couldn't give a fat rat's clacker about the comeback story.
The kid would've chucked his hat over the fence if the Freo player hadn't missed an absolute sitter straight after, doing that classic AFLW move of turning around to find an empty square then excitedly botching the snap. A second goalless quarter to the left of screen had us five points down at the last change, but there was always the wind to save us. That didn't take into account giving away a free and 50 from the first bounce. Another player with two goals in 70+ games missed, but our reply was to kick OOF, then they did the same, and the contest was in full 'hardcore fans only' territory.
Finally, it was the old 'everyone get out of the way and leave it to the stars', when Hore snapped the goal to put us ahead. Harris will get the goal assist, but it never happened without our flavour of the month Fitzsimons standing up in a tackle and keeping the ball moving. It was very much not over, especially when they got a free in the middle of the ground and the player metres away from where it was paid got to pelt off - about 25% further than you're allowed to run without bouncing - and punt it inside 50. There it rolled into the behind post, preserving our one point lead.
We'd probably have sealed it if the ball didn't take a comedy bounce with Bannan running onto it inside 50, but instead it went down the Vandross End and they got a goal to make things difficult again. The challenge of kicking a goal against non-dreck opposition went up when Harris departed after a heavy collision, and you'd like to think if either she or Gall had been out there we may have got better value from the last two minutes of optimistic long kicks straight to Freo defenders.
Sadly it was not to be, and we ran out of time. If the Pakistani cricket team did it you'd call for an enquiry, but we'll just put it down as not travelling well and hope for better next time.
2025 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Tyla Hanks
4 - Lauren Pearce
3 - Sinead Goldrick
2 - Eliza McNamara
1 - Ryleigh Wotherspoon
Apologies to Chaplin, Fitzsimon, Hore and Paxman.
Leaderboard
Assuming there are 25 votes still available (three scheduled games and a minimum of two finals), it's cactus for anyone more than that far from the lead. Now that Hanks holds a lead of +1 BOG she'll be hard to shift from here. But if anyone can do that it'll be Hore, despite long-term evidence of underappreciation in this award. In minor categories news, congratulations to Pearce for staking a claim on the ruck award.
30 - Tyla Hanks
23 - Kate Hore
21 - Maeve Chaplin (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Defender of the Year)
16 - Tayla Harris
12 - Eliza McNamara
6 - Olivia Purcell, Eden Zanker
5 - Megan Fitzsimon, Paxy Paxman
--- Abandon all hope below here ---
4 - Lauren Pearce (LEADER: Ruck of the Year)
3 - Sinead Goldrick, Shelley Heath
1 - Saraid Taylor (LEADER: Rising Star Award), Ryleigh Wotherspoon
Goal of the Week
None of them memorable, so you know Hore vs Collingwood is still the clubhouse leader. Writing this bit the next morning (and depending on how long it takes to do the rest of this post that will give an insight to what order things are done in) I had to go back and check who kicked them and how. On the occasion of her first career vote, let's go for Wotherspoon due to the quality of the mark which preceded it.
Next Week
It's 9th placed Sydney, as we finally complete the set of playing all 17 opposition teams. On current interstate form, if it wasn't at Casey I'd be worried about a fiasco. For the endless shit I pour on our home ground, at least we win there much more often than not. Here's to ending next weekend completely overinflated about our flag prospects based on beating an average team. I assume Gall will be out, and probably Harris too, which will require some rethink about the forward line but this may not be a bad thing because there's no way one of the (literally) big four isn't getting cashed in for shitloads of picks and/or players at the end of the season.
And if Gall and/or Harris are out, any danger of just playing Pisano no matter what? She hasn't done much yet, but is a high draft pick and isn't going to develop kicking the ball around at training. There are players elsewhere on the ground getting games due to lack of other options, I feel bad for her being regularly shelved because we've got 500 forwards. The question of "but who are you going to drop?" has been answered for the next couple of weeks at least, time to invest in her future and related cliches.
In other news, I'm just about cooked for writing about Australian Rules football in 2025, so if you're amongst the handful of people who read this far and want to have a crack at immortality by doing a guest report get in touch via email, socials, or by knocking on the front door. Usually I'd say your votes could be decisive in deciding where the Daisy goes, but at this stage the best you can do is keeping the race alive.
Final thoughts
Even with the injury excuses and travel considerations, this was crap performance against a fringe side but like the Port game it need not be fatal to the rest of the season. Still, I wouldn't be whacking your next house payment down on us winning any final, let alone the flag. But, in a generally predictable competition we represent the 'this could go anywhere' party so keep calm and hope that this turns out to be the loss we had to have, before eventually romping through the finals in swashbuckling fashion.
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