Twilight Zone

I've come to terms with not committing Geelong 2011 style massacres against unfortunate teams, but at half time on Saturday I thought this might be the day we keep the opposition to a pitifully low score. We've had four goals or less a few times over the years, so at this stage I'd almost get more pleasure doing that to somebody else than winning by heaps. Why not do both? Or in the case of Saturday afternoon, why do either?

It's ok to be a little disappointed that we didn't plow on after half time and deliver a savage victory to remember, but no matter how bad the opposition is, whinging about only winning by 54 is the footy equivalent of Damir Dokic rioting about salmon at Flushing Meadow. Think about where we've come from, realise the wheel will turn against us again one day, and enjoy the wonderful world of not being shit.

Admittedly, being happy about not being at rock bottom isn't very ambitious. Carlton's come a long way from that and Princes Park is still on arson watch from fans and 'powerbrokers'. And it's a lot easier to accept 'that will do' wins, than any sort of loss. Whether or not performances like this translate to good times in September is open to debate, but history says it probably doesn't matter - we've spent two years beating teams by comfortable but not excessive margins and so far it's translated to 1x flag, and 1x straight sets exit. Like an Earl Spalding set shot this could go anywhere.

It was a dual milestone day for Steven May and Sam Frost, cornerstones of our 2019 defence for about 30 minutes of Round 2 until May was injured, then again on that day at the Gabba when May yelled at him. You can't help but fondly remember Frost and his mad ferret up the leg runs out of defence, but we've done reasonably well since. He was a solid defender who did a lot of good jobs for us and gave Joel Selwood good advice, but 'anything could happen next' insanity is better suited for teams where the fans need novelties to keep watching, not prospective (and in rare cases, actual, premiers).

On the other hand, May played 123 of his 200 games at another club (and I'm legally obligated to mention the comical debut in a first quarter where his side conceded 15 goals), but will always be remembered for what happened next. After a rocky start with suspension, injury and being snitched for having a drink during rehab, he's been a joy to watch since getting rolling in 2020. Playing four quarters of the Grand Final with his hamstring millimetres away from exploding will go down in MFC folklore. As will, to be fair, getting decked by a teammate in a fancy French restaurant.

I'm unmoved by most milestone games (exceptions include Nathan Jones 300), but now whenever a premiership player reaches one you'll be pleasantly reminded of that night. When the last of the 22 remaining heroes goes it will be the saddest day for me since Brad Green retired and I realised there would never be another player younger than me.

In honour of his milestone, we put on a Gold Coast-ish crowd. There's something suss about the AFL website showing the attendance as 'TBC' a day later, and I struggle to believe there were over 39,000 there. Yes, it was a replacement home game for our members, but Hawthorn must have taken the 'Emergency Services Game' theme too far and assigned a spot in the crowd for every rozzer in Victoria. 

Not that I did anything to help. At this stage I'd be lucky to get value out of a three game membership. Even if it's due to circumstances beyond my control, I still feel bad for not being there. Especially after four quarters of experimental broadcasting from Fox Sports. If you like to sit in the front row and have NFI what's going on across the ground then you might enjoy their aggressive zooming, but after years of perfecting watching as if from the 2D view in Football Manager it's painful seeing handballs fling off the screen without knowing who - if anybody - will be on the other end.

There are some benefits, you get to hear tremendous punditry like Ben Dixon's claim that when JVR gets the ball you hear a "Big Roy around the ground", before saying "obviously... but....", and going silent for a few seconds before the other commentators carried on like nothing had happened. I thought he might have had a medical emergency mid-sentence until he spoke next. There was also a moment where Mark Howard paused while scanning to scan the team list and work out who #41 was, then called him "Mac A. Vee". If I can't write about kids spewing on the Ponsford Stand anymore this will have to do.

Maybe it's because I'm nowhere near as wound up these days, but I'm getting better about believing we'll win when red hot favourites. The scars of that loss to Sydney just short of 30 years ago run deep, but it's not like we were good that year anyway. Now automatic MFC legends like Gawn, Oliver, Petracca and Viney are operating at the peak of their powers alongside a better set of supporting characters than Godfather II so we should know in advance that a 1-7 team of randoms wouldn't set off a May Day mayday.

If you're in my category of "I think we'll win by I need proof", you'd have been happy with the opening minutes. Sure, we kicked a ton of points but it was clear there was no upset brewing. Hawthorn's disposal was rancid, constantly feeding us chances. This was a great example where "they could have kicked 4.0 instead of 0.4" doesn't work. About the only thing they were good at was plucking the ball out of the middle, so if Fritsch converted the first chance they wouldn't have spent the next few minutes handing us more opportunities to miss. Even if the ball went back to the middle, new scores wouldn't have been far behind. You could have left Hawthorn players 30 metres in the clear and they would have struggled to hit the side of a barn.

After a year of uncharacteristic accuracy in front of goal, there was a small corner of my brain that thought "geez, I hope we don't leave the door open for them here..." when realistically they were as much chance of finding it as somebody blindfolded and spun around 10 times. Party time finally kicked off via the returning Charlie Spargo, booting a lovely set shot to strike a blow in his battle for a spot with Chandler. They can probably very easily play together in the same side, but I've come to the unscientific conclusion that they do near enough to the same thing that only one can thrive at a time. It was advantage Charleston here, as Chandler had his quietest game of the year.

The goal was made by a fantastic pass from Petracca, setting off the chase for the most obscure achievement in the game. For a decade I've been following the great goal assist logjam where nobody's been able to get above four. No matter how much we've scored, there have been 15 games where players have equalled the record without extending it, leaving it shared by the eclectic group of  Brayshaw, Hogan, Jackson, Jetta, Jones, T. McDonald, Melksham x2, Oliver, Petracca x4, Weideman and Wonaeamirri. But now, to the joy of nobody but me, the podium has been cleared out by the previous four time joint title holder. I'm sure this will be as much of a career highlight for him as winning two Paul Prymke Plates.

It wasn't Petracca's best game, but the bar for that level has been set so high that he's got to do something outrageous to qualify. He was still so good, and I count my blessings daily that a) St Kilda let us draft him, b) he survived doing a knee, and c) avoided being Melbourned on return. 

Hawthorn were one step from toilet coloured traffic cones, but did have a bit of bad luck with the next couple of goals. Viney's smothered snap rebounded to him for a more successful go, then Gawn had a shot that the defenders were instantly convinced was touched. None of the umpires were interested, and the old 'every goal is reviewed' chestnut didn't find anything wrong with it either. I'd love to see this process in action - do they roll footage on the guy banging through a post-high set shot from 40 metres out just in case? And if it's not suspect enough for the umpires to ask for a review, how fast do they need to come up with a verdict before the ball is bounced again. If I'm not mistaken, man of the hour Petracca was the first player ever to be dudded by a vigilante review, against Brisbane in 2016.

On the occasion of North fans doing a sad version of the Carnival of Hate (before diverging from the script and losing by 10 goals), the more alarming reminder of that famous day was somebody stepping on the foot of a key forward who looked set to run riot. Petty was subbed out at half time and put in a supposedly precautionary moonboot. Hope he fares better from here than Mitch Clark, who was robbed out of a double figure haul and as good as never seen again after accidentally being assassinated by a teammate.

Petty's second, on the quarter time siren, left us 35-1 in front and on the verge of handing out an all time spanking. Even if you'd multiplied the scores x4 and ended it 20.20.140 to 0.4.4 we'd still have been a goal short of our best win against Hawthorn (and indeed anyone). They were held to a point in that opening term too. The commentators dropped an impressive sounding fun fact about this being the first time it had happened since 1960, which sounded too good to be true and was. They'd done it twice in 2006 alone. [NB: I've seen elsewhere that it might have been their lowest half time score, not quarter time. And if I was confusing what was said 45 minutes apart you'll understand why the rest of this post is such a disjointed mess]

I'm sad that Petty's potential boot filling was interrupted, but still not convinced he's better for our forward line than Brown or McDonald. The defensive partnership with May and Lever worked pretty well a couple of years ago, go back to that and get a more experienced, natural goalkicker to provide cover for van Rooyen and Fritsch. The loose-as-a-goose nature of Hawthorn's backline - including one being subbed out with injury - allowed us the most marks inside 50 of any team this season, but at the same time we didn't look particularly threatening. 

It's great to have a big spread of goalkickers, but even if it's a symptom of tactical naivety I'd feel more comfortable if we had a figurehead. JVR (r)oozes promise but he's not there yet, and needs support while he develops. He was lucky to be out there in the first place, initially handed a two game suspension for accidentally spoiling that Gold Coast defender in the head. The initial challenge failed, launching the biggest tribunal case siege mentality since Jack Trengove bounced Patrick Dangerfield off the turf 12 years ago. Despite the unfiltered views of Anonymous Suns Player 324 that van Rooyen "got what he deserved", the appeals board thought otherwise. 

There was a bit of excessive chat about protecting the 'fabric of the game', and no doubt the league will now change the rules to make sure nobody gets away with similar in the future. Once the bump, the tackle, the outstretched foot, and the spoil have been legislated that'll just leave the 'jamming your knee into somebody's skull mid-screamer' debate. By then, Kysaiah Pickett might have finally taken the Mark of the Year he's been threatening since debut. This time he went closer than ever, getting a hand to it without giving away a free for jumping outrageously early.

It was more of the same after quarter time, with endless inside 50s that we weren't potent enough to take advantage of, before Sparrow walloped one through from distance to keep alive the idea of a massacre.

Suspicion that nobody was taking this game seriously increased when the game was held up for a minute to determine whether or not Ed Langdon had controlled the ball while marking on the line. Fair enough to get it right - even if the replay angle was affected by having a big FO goalpost in the way - but I'm sure at 40-something to one in the second quarter the umpire could have gone with his original decision and not been sent to Yackandandah next week. Then somebody accidentally pressed the 'behind' button for the on-screen graphics, only for Ed to go with the actual verdict as communicated from the review booth and play on from where he stood.

This indirectly led to their opening goal, the ball barely escaped the defensive 50 before it came back and May was given the most blatant two-handed shove in the back you'll ever see. No reason to be upset, we were already into double figures for getting away with throws and holdings of the ball. On a day where the umpires 'let it go' to a ridiculous degree, the first time they actually paid holding the ball was after Fritsch handballed it.

Speaking of potentially illegal manoeuvres, what about the Hawthorn ruckman who'd started running at Gawn when the ball was bounced, so that by the time it was in mid-air he was already well across the line and on top of Max. It wasn't a bad tactic, but surely backfires when the other ruckman deliberately runs into him and claims a shepherd.

This is the point where things started getting a bit Hollywood, including an attempt at setting May up for a heartwarming milestone goal via the Wheatley Manoeuvre only for him to boot it out on the full anyway. I would have preferred to run the score up in the first three quarters, then park him at FF in the last. Maybe they realised Petty wasn't going to be there to swap with him and thought they might as well try to get him one now. Sadly, even by the time it didn't matter if Hawthorn got cheap goals against a diminished defence we didn't fling him forward to try and take a grab.

Our attempt at scoring with quality over quantity only caused a brief lull in the violence. Grundy casually pulled one down at the top of the square, and JVR grabbed one not further out to ensure there was no possible way we could lose this game. 

We've been on the end of so many similar 'over by the break' games that I genuinely felt bad for Hawthorn fans for the first time since September 1996. Still wanted to win by shitloads though, I'll take a thumping win over anybody from Geelong to Geelong West Under 19s. Sadly, Hawthorn had other ideas and turned up for a bit. Three straight goals, two the first of the player's career, and there was the ever so small prospect - if you're of a nervous disposition - that we were going to go up like the Hindenberg.

I can't believe that after the first half we needed a steadier, but once Oliver got one from close range and Langdon followed shortly it was safe again. They took 10 points off the lead during the quarter, which dragged the margin below the Chris Sullivan Line but adjusting for overall quality of opposition I was comfortable that it wasn't going to get close enough to raise a sweat. 

If you'd made the sensible decision to go and do something more important you'd have missed Viney - who was otherwise very good - doing his bit for the underprivileged with a horror turnover goal. Otherwise, except for a Trent Rivers goal that he kicked the cover off from 50 out, the only person who really needed to continue watching was whoever puts together the All The Goals video.

Just as I was thinking we'd escaped this slopfest with a win and nothing more than precautionary concern about Petty's foot, they cut to footage of Petracca on the ground, with a trainer, looking totally crocked. That got my blood pressure up more than anything Hawthorn did. I'm told it was just a minor issue, but remember the time Colin Garland walked off at the end of Round 1 and wasn't seen for the rest of the season? Well I do. Last week I took so long to write this that by the time it came out JVR had already been temporarily suspended, so no doubt by the time you're reading we'll know if he's perfectly fit or looking at amputation below the knee.

2023 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Christian Petracca
4 - Jack Viney
3 - Trent Rivers
2 - Harrison Petty
1 - Clayton Oliver

Apologies to May, Brayshaw and Neal-Bullen.

Leaderboard

33 - Christian Petracca
26 - Clayton Oliver

11 - Brodie Grundy (JOINT LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Max Gawn (JOINT LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Jack Viney
8 - Kade Chandler

7 - Jake Lever (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)

5 - Ed Langdon, Kysaiah Pickett, Trent Rivers

4 - Michael Hibberd

3 - Jake Bowey
2 - Ben Brown, Steven May, Harrison Petty

1 - Bayley Fritsch, Lachie Hunter, Tom McDonald, Trent Rivers

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year

For a game that nobody will ever watch again, we got a few GOTW contenders. Apologies to Viney's two effort snap, but I'm going for the thermonuclear missile by Rivers in the last quarter. For the overall award context is important, and if he'd kicked that in the dying seconds of a close game it would be straight into first place. But it wasn't, so he'll have to console himself with the weekly nomination.

Season leaderboard:

1 - Christian Petracca vs Gold Coast

2 - Kade Chandler vs Footscray

3 - Kade Chandler vs Gold Coast

Simon Buckley & Schuster

Thanks to everyone who has ordered a copy of The Last Hurrah with bonus content. I was a bit hasty in offering this before actually writing said content but should have it in the mail by the end of the week. Same goes for original recipe book buyers who are waiting for the extra chapter to be emailed. 20 years ago I offended the author of a really, really bad book about him allegedly rootin' around the world by accusing him of having a garage full of the things. I'm not even close to that point, but even one leftover leaves me open to charges of hypocrisy so do us a solid.

Next week

Everything's going reasonably well and I'm starting to enjoy the season so what better time to go back to the Adelaide Oval and try to make up for the Gather Round debacle. It's a good time to play a contender again, if you don't expect Port to spontaneously combust at some point. This one could go either way, they decide what to do from week to week at random, and we can't rely on the other side giving us dozens of chances via putrid disposal.

Casey had a bye - and why not, the VFL's not there to develop players for senior football or anything - so Salem still hasn't played this year. It's not like he doesn't know what to do, but if we were going to throw him in without a warm-up it would have been better to do it here. Once he's back Mc A. Vee can have a rest, but no need for that yet.

I think we'll win via major toil and struggle.

IN: Brown, Harmes (sub)
OUT: Petty (inj), Sparrow (susp)
LUCKY: Jordon
UNLUCKY: Salem

Final thoughts
Whether it's Round 9, 2023 or this post, they can't all be classics.

Talent borrows, genius steals

Dear readers, we regret to announce that Gold Coast are no longer completely shit. We'll never lose the comedy motherlode of them having a four figure fanbase, but their on-field time may finally be coming. On Saturday night they beat us forward, middle, and back, displayed a T-1000 like ability to return from the dead, and should have come away with a draw at the very least. But - for now - they didn't. Development roadbump in our favour, collect four points. 

We've been through the emerging Suns story a few times since 2011 and they've spontaneously combusted every time. This might turn out differently, but for now an 11 game winning streak is our second best against anyone ever. There's still a minimum of five years to go before we run down our 20 in a row against North between 1953 and 1965, and I hope this page/my central nervous system last long enough to see it.

If you went back to the last time they beat us, in 2014 during the long-forgotten 'names on jumpers' week, no sane person dotted around the cavernously empty MCG that day would have picked us to reach finals, flags and long-term respectability first. Then their Ablett Or Bust philosophy bust along with his shoulder, good players evacuated as if escaping from an airline disaster, and they've flopped around at the bottom of the ladder since.

We, on the other hand, have somehow turned out good. Extremely so from August 2021 to May 2022, but still light years ahead now of where you could have imagined us a decade ago. There was that NQR season in 2019 where Gold Coast was the only worse side in the competition, but even that worked out in our favour. On this BOG showing I'm sure we would have been happy picking Noah Anderson at #2, but their priority pick steered us in the direction of Luke Jackson, who powered the Mad Minute and delivered three top picks via the resale system.

Now there's half a chance the Suns will get good too. For now, they're five points short of us, but on a ladder more congested than the Shanghai freeway that's good enough for me. Maybe some of the umpiring was a touch fruity, but refer to the Richmond post for discussion on how a) every team is unlucky sometimes, and b) if you're good enough you'll win anyway. What do you expect from umps who kept calling advantages for players who didn't want it, and one who was probably the worst bouncer of the ball in the history of the game. No matter what else happened they had a shot directly in front in the last 30 seconds and missed, so it's all on them in the end.

This was one of those games where it's almost impossible to give realistic votes because we had so few standouts, and nobody who was on the top of his game from bell to bell. I could almost cheat and wait to use the coaches' votes as a guide. Our midfield had its usual great moments, but also looked vulnerable at centre bounces again. It can't be because we've got the wingiest wings in recent memory, there wouldn't be enough time for them to get to the centre circle before the ball was being flung Gold Coast's way. Maybe my expectations are too high, even if the worst teams get clean exits from the middle occasionally, you're going to have to defend a few every game. We just seem to leak like a faulty submarine despite having more stars in the area than the Andromeda galaxy.

I was much more confident in sitting back and waiting for other teams to feed the rebound machine when our backline was operating at maximum power. I'll still take up weapons to defend peak May, Lever and Petty as the greatest MFC defensive combination since colour TV, but one of them is doing competent at best forward stuff, one is in ok form, and Lever's moustache is still offensive. We've coped without Salem so far, but we also had to go wwithout Hibberd, whose slowly disintegrating body required us to hit the long-awaited Disco Button and bring in Turner late.

If you needed any further proof that teams have realised the futility of blindly bombing the ball into our backline, it's that two thirds of the world's greatest backline looked vulnerable to barely heralded forwards like Casboult and Chol. Ben King is the best of the lot, and while we held them to a combined six goals from not many more kicks a lot of opportunities came from their contests. There was nowhere near as much cutting off as usual - our best interceptors were Rivers and Gawn with three each. Compare to the rest of the season where one of Lever or May is usually at the top. I'm not saying we've been rumbled, but you can't rely on teams merrily going to their doom against us anymore.

Turner's day didn't start well, with a massive shank on the full from his first kick, and he never looked comfortable in one-on-ones but he did take a couple of nice marks and will be welcome back in the future. For now, please clear a path for Petty to take up his rightful place in defence and let's get back to the important project of making sure he's ready to take May's spot in a few years.

If I'm not really into Petty as a forward but will credit his contest for clearing van Rooyen's path to the opening mark/goal. It looked so effortless for JVR that I started to fantasise about a performance that would have the Rising Star judges sliding off their seats. He went at it with 100% effort all night - perhaps a little bit too much at one stage of the last quarter - but never got another serious look at goal. I'm into playing him every week but it's looking more like 2020 Weideman every week - he needs the cover from an experienced forward. The benefits flow down to Fritsch, who found it easy against a rotten side last week but did nowt for three quarters here. Whether you think Brown or McDonald is the answer, one of them in the same forward 50 will switch focus off JVR while he develops. Then when he's older he can cover Jefferson, who can repeat the dose with the next prospect, and spend the next decade doing a key forward  

For now we were even with the Suns everywhere but reaping the rewards from their blooper-laden attempts at getting the ball out of defence. God knows what Geelong was doing losing to them, because if we'd had Cameron and Hawkins inside 50 this might have been as big a first term as last week. Regardless, we got to three goals in front, with Viney shooting for a fourth and I thought it might be a relaxing night to watch a game stretched out over a few hours and about 70 kilometres. Then, for the first time things started to go bad, from the Viney miss they opened us up like an unlocked door walk one in at the other end, soon your old mate Malcolm Rosas (me either) had two and we'd wasted the advantage.

Enter - thank god - Chandler for his novelty goal of the week in the dying seconds. They'd just missed a chance to go ahead, so if I was Stuart Dew my reaction to conceding this goal with 10 seconds left would have been to drive the medicart through the quarter time huddle. Like everyone else, this wasn't Chandler's best game, but he does some tremendous shit in front of goal. Easy to pretend you know what you're talking about eight months later, but for all the clamour for JVR to debut in the finals I reckon we could have done with a bit more of this: 

Solo brilliance from Chandler 😍#AFLSunsDees pic.twitter.com/4DRp0jUlli

— AFL (@AFL) May 6, 2023

Things still weren't going all that well around the ground, but after trading the opening goals of the quarter we got another break that might have convinced a less cynical person everything was going to be ok. One goal from a 50, another from a free at the next bounce and it was 20 something points again. Those lasted about three minutes and the Suns were right back in it.

For want of anywhere else to mention this, did anyone else notice how much dummying the Suns were doing? Like how we've started doing underground handballs left, right, and centre, they put more feints and wrong foots than I've seen us fall victim to in several years combined. And we kept falling for it. They were smart enough to keep it in the middle of the ground so nobody tried taking on Pickett in the square and ending up plastered across the internet looking silly.

The irony of what happened at the end is that we got another goal in the final seconds of the quarter, at which point they were probably having to wrench the cart keys out of Dew's hands. The Suns had done so well to effectively neutralise everything that was good about us but couldn't get in front. I saw this happen plenty of times 2016-2020, and sometimes everything went right to get us over the line. It could easily have gone the other way here.

We weren't playing badly by any means but they were dragging along with us all the way. The idea that if we run teams around for long enough they'll lose heart didn't work here, because no matter what we did they would not go away. I don't want to sound patronising in case they end up as our overlords in a few years, but these were admirable qualities in an emerging team. And if somebody other than us has to win everything, the more flags for GWS and Gold Coast that I never have to hear anyone enjoying the better.

To paraphrase Bart Simpson, they were like some sort of non-giving up football guys. It'll come as a surprise to anyone who watched Melbourne 2010/2011, but it helped having #1 and #2 picks in the same midfield. This also assisted Dwayne Russell in blowing the front off his strides every time Matt Rowell went near the ball, he used the phrase "bull" so many times in four quarters that it started to sound like Bob Katter had dropped into Fox Footy studios.

After they kicked another couple in a row I thought Bowey lobbing one through might have been enough to get going again. There's a school of thought that you can't put him in the best players because he was on Rosas, but I'd argue most of his goals had nothing to do with an opponent and Jake was the calmest extractor of ball from defence that we had. I'm into McVee's future but right now I could do with a Christian Salem down that end as well.

That goal lasted about two minutes, but even when Sparrow got one late we were only six points up and all I had to calm the nerves - knowing that the rest of the world probably already knew the result - was our quality record in last quarters. Then they got a free on the siren, levelled the scores and I felt a little bit like having a vom.

Good thing we do finish games well, because the last quarter would best be described as 'frantic'. Petracca kicked things off with this absolute solid gold corker of a snap...  

Bend it like B̶e̶c̶k̶h̶a̶m̶ Petracca 🤩#AFLSunsDees pic.twitter.com/pbmbjxALBD

— AFL (@AFL) May 6, 2023

.... only to spend the next few minutes peppering shots at goal for nothing. Then we got arguably lucky via Gawn being handed a free goal from the square due to excessive jostling about 100 metres away. I'll leave it to others to decide whether the free was justified or not, because I haven't got time to watch it from 19 different Zapruder Cam angles but it certainly came in handy at the time.

There was a brief lull in proceedings when van Rooyen's attempted spoil absolutely van Rooted a Gold Coast defender. There was nothing malicious in it, but it nigh on killed the poor bloke on the receiving end. Brent Staker left the ground in better condition after being clobbered by Barry Hall. This ended in neck braces, stretchers, and potential match review sanctions. Now that the bumping culture wars have been settled with 'don't do it', this should kick off a discussion about vigorous spoiling, then we can move on to screamers that involve jamming your knee into the base of a man's skull.

I appreciated the plight of a man who appeared to be seriously injured, but was approximately 40 minutes behind real time, knew the game was already over and couldn't spare the time to see him respectfully carted from the ground. So I wished him well while continually pressing the +15 seconds button until the game restarted. By this point I'd realised that a boundary throw in took about the same amount of time, so if I hit it the moment the ball rolled out the coverage would skip to the throw-in. It doesn't work for ball ups, I tried it a couple of times and the ball was already well in play when coverage resumed. Who knows what tremendous comedy zingers I missed from the commentators by skipping so much of the dead-air, but if they were as bad as the wildly zoomed in camera angles. 

Like the Perth lightning and the Brisbane blackout, the advantage after an unexpected break went to the chasing team. We might have cancelled their next goal out straight away, but after 35 games in a row with a goal Fritsch turned up with concrete shoes on and missed his second of three shots for the quarter. Then it started to get farcical, with an attempted escape from the last line of defence was smothered, and when it could have done literally anything else from that position the ball bounced perfectly to a Gold Coast player for Rosas' fourth. White smoke had already gone up at Kingsley Manor after his third, but now the Fire Brigade had to dispatch all available units to make sure the place wasn't burning to the ground.

The crowd split at Nugan Hand Bank Stadium was 50/50 at best, but they were going off their tits now. There's nothing like the prospect of springing a major upset to fire up even the most theatregoing crowd. We were now six points in front, and I can't have been the only one waiting for the karmic rebound from the famous Marty Hore/Tom McDonald heist.

Gold Coast's first chance to nick a draw/earn the option to stuff through a point with a minute left to win faltered when Gawn got away with grappling his opponent in a marking contest. This was bad news for Suns fans, and outraged neutrals who took up their cause in a creepily protective way. I'd have tipped a table if we didn't get the same free, but to be fair the loose ball led to a player taking a mark in a better position. Chol might have converted, only for us to go forward and win it anyway. Or he'd have kicked a point, and we'd have turned it over to lose. Anything can happen in the Wide World of Melbourne FC. 

Appropriately, on a big weekend for the Royal Family, the kicker was called 'Darcy' as if he's heir to the Duchy of Wimborne. He was a defender, but it was an easy enough kick that I was absolutely convinced it would go through. And then... it didn't, he pushed it right and I greeted the miss by throwing my phone in the air like an old time racegoer punting Phar Lap home. 

If you thought we were going to get through the last 14 seconds safely you were a more optimistic person than me. Our kick-ins had been chopped off all night, and May obviously didn't have faith in the umpires correctly judging distance for a short kick so he did the time-honoured big roost to the left of screen that we've been relying on since the heyday of Mark Jamar. By the time I'd processed what was going on the ball was flinging back towards our goal, and my internal Heist Karma alert went to DEFCON1. Thank god for Jack Viney getting in the way, blocking any opportunity at a kick to win it after the siren. 

I rolled on the floor in joy for a few seconds, then regained my composure, and guiltily moved on with my life, safe in the knowledge that we'd pinched the game from multiple angles. That's life, nervously tug at your collar all you like, we still got the four points. That'll do nicely.

2023 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Christian Petracca
4 - Max Gawn
3 - Jake Bowey
2 - Clayton Oliver
1 - Trent Rivers

I struggled to get to five in the first place, but apologies to Viney, McVee and Sparrow who were in the mix by default.

Leaderboard

28 - Christian Petracca
25 - Clayton Oliver

11 - Brodie Grundy (JOINT LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Max Gawn (JOINT LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
8 - Kade Chandler

7 - Jake Lever (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Jack Viney

5 - Ed Langdon, Kysaiah Pickett

4 - Michael Hibberd

3 - Jake Bowey
2 - Ben Brown, Steven May, Trent Rivers

1 - Bayley Fritsch, Lachie Hunter, Tom McDonald, Trent Rivers

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year

Apologies also to the Pickett spin in the third quarter, but it was a bad week for Kade Chandler - his from-the-arse snap in the first quarter had the nomination in the bank right until Petracca kicked that absolute belter from the boundary line in the last quarter. It not only went home with the weekly award, but I've promoted him to the season lead due to aesthetic beauty. The goal was very pretty too. For the weekly prize he wins... good intentions? I've got nothing.

Season leaderboard:

1 - Christian Petracca vs Gold Coast

2 - Kade Chandler vs Footscray

3 - Kade Chandler vs Gold Coast

Random House

Speaking of having nothing, The Last Hurrah has reached the end of its natural bookstore life. The remaining copies sadly aren't going to be pulped like Alan Partridge's Bouncing Back, but will be sold for scrap to discount book outlets. In an attempt to retain some dignity I've snatched a fair percentage of copies before they can get there, and am selling directly for equal or lower price to what you'll get in shops. This is your chance to not only get something NQR - and possibly illegal - written on the inside cover, but I'll throw in a behind-the-scenes extra chapter on the making of the book and its questionable role in what happened in Perth two months after publication. 

As an added bonus, anyone who purchases directly will get an additional behind-the-scenes chapter outlining the making of the book, and the unexpected Hurrah that happened in Perth two months later. If you've already got the book I can send you the text of the extra chapter, fill in this form or email me. Please do, as this will give me motivation to finish writing the thing. Also, please note these things are arriving at Demonblog Towers in weird, random, partial shipments so I'll let you know if there are any delays fulfilling - let me know if you've got an ASAP requirement for a gift.

Now, at the end of my two year ride as a real life, actual published author, let me say how much I appreciate the support and kind words from the community. I'll be returning to strictly amateur projects from here, and if I ever find the time I'd like to do the 1965-1987 shambles years, a 2017-2021 Great Deelight compilation, and the collected AFLW match reports.

Next week

I'll issue the same cautious tone for Hawthorn as I did North, and hopefully we vastly exceeded expectations again. They're not good, and on paper we should walk this but you just never know. If Hibberd is fit he's obviously back in, and regardless of whether or not they make an example of JVR for his KO, send Petty back where he belongs and include Brown. Harmes was good after coming on as sub so his reward is a start.

IN: Brown, Harmes, Hibberd
OUT: Jordon (to sub), Turner (omit), van Rooyen (susp)
LUCKY: Nil
UNLUCKY: Spargo

Final thoughts
This is the stage of the year where the ladder looks so tight that you think anyone in the top 14 could make finals. It'll break apart in the next couple of months, but top four looks like it's going to be a multiple team over the top rope battle royale so every win counts. Do we like a flag contender at the moment? No. Does it matter at this stage if we keep winning? Probably not for a while yet. So let's just do that. 

Penthouse d. Outhouse

Last time I was at a wedding when Melbourne played, the result was successfully blanked out all night and I got home to watch us lose by 148 points. A decade on you're absolutely no chance of ignoring the result that long, so I caved to the inevitable and settled for sly checking of the phone. When the margin hit 97 I thought "I'd better go and watch the rest of this", and snuck out to the carpark just in time for us to kick two and concede three, somehow managing to be the only person to see North score more than us in a 90 point win. I've since seen the replay but the views of somebody who saw it unfold live are infinitely more useful so thanks to Twitter's @revdanichols for taking the challenge and becoming the 16th person to be capped as a Demonblog guest reporter. I reserve the right to occasionally chip in.

I've been a big fan of Demonblog for some time, so the opportunity to write a match report for it provided me with a buzz of excitement and a sense of nervousness I hadn't felt since the 2021 Finals.

Following the Demonland lore, I'm a big Demons fan but seeing an opposing team approaching a near death situation would only shake me into action if it meant any sort of threat to the longevity of my own team.  As such, I thought it would be a good idea to do some research on the opposition. Lo and behold it held some surprises; we had more contested possessions and goals per game than North, and they were lower than us on the ladder. Perhaps there is something to statistical analysis?

The other big surprise was their motley crew of players. It made me think their management has been more influenced by Major League than Moneyball.  Not only were Ziebel and Goldstein still playing, but they had got the brother of an established player (not the right one if Charlie Curnow kicking nine on the other channel was anything to go by - A), a few others I thought had retired, and some kids that had names that either came from superhero movies generators. More on that later.

My experience of North hasn't been entirely positive, there was a period of about 12 years where we were a guaranteed four  points for them, with very few highlights (apart from the time Lynden Dunn kicked a fresh air goal in front of myself and 14 others at the beloved Sunday 4:40 timeslot). Something else that made me nervous was Alex Neal-Bullen (proper Melbourne name, that) re-signing during the week for another three years. If modern trends are anything to go by, this would guarantee that he had an absolute shocker on the weekend.  More on that later too.

That a game between a top-ish side and a bottom-ish side was programmed at prime time on Saturday night probably says more about how many Melbourne fans the AFL thinks are tuning in at this stage of the season before it gets wintery. If anyone from HQ was watching I can pretty much guarantee that games like this will be pelted off to far-off grounds and timezones from now on.

I arrived at the ground with a mate who is still hanging on to footy dreams by playing in the Pub League (perhaps he needs to knock on North's door?) and my two young kids. This was a brave and optimistic move given the 7:20 start time and their propensity to fall asleep almost anywhere that isn't their bed at their bed time. That being said, you don’t stick with the Dees without more than a little optimism and bravery.

Before I begin reviewing the match itself, I need to apologise for details that were missed while taking the kids to the loos or typing notes about the game on my phone. It started with a few changes, Pickett in the middle, Petracca on the half-forward flank, and Schache in the goal square. We had the absolute best of it out of the middle with the first goal coming through Chandler after 46 seconds.  

Oliver seemed to have brought his own ball and was getting his hands to everything; taps, marks, balls that someone else had.  This sort of contested ball dominance quickly led to our second through Fritsch, and then a third via Petracca after receiving a no-look pass from Pickett while streaming through the middle. This was quickly reaching Harlem Globetrotters v Washington Generals areas, particularly when Pickett followed up with another soon after that came so quickly I missed it while writing my notes.

It wasn't all spinning the ball on your finger while the other team just looks on though, as Schache was pushed out of a contest easily, allowing them to rebound. I'm not going to spend too much time on Josh, but he was one of the few disappointments for the night. I understand this was our first game for us, but he didn't seem up for the contest, which was a little disappointing given the quality of the opposition, the opportunities given to him on the night, and two blokes with over 500 combined goals wanting to take his place.

A good comparison to Schache was Tom Sparrow, who may not be that silky but ran so hard all night that it made me want to spew just thinking about it (perhaps having Harmes as Sub was a motivator?).  Speaking of Sparrow, he bobbed up for our 5th at the 12-minute mark, pretty much putting the game to bed.

It was at this point my eldest (11) asked "why isn't everyone cheering?" God bless his carefree optimism, the rest of us knew we had another two hours of this to sit through in the arctic conditions of the MCG. The youngest (8) then needed his first toilet break, which coincided with one of their players breaking his leg in a contest that I missed. Having been on the receiving end of this sort of bad luck, I really did feel for North fans. Also for the poor kid with the broken leg, not sure if his involvement would have changed the result, but you don't wish that on anyone outside conspiracy theorists trying to overthrow democracy.

The rest of the quarter quickly went into scrappy mode. Grundy got a lucky 50 and a goal after dropping a mark he should have taken, before Judd McVie (can anyone else see it as anything but "McVie Bart, McVie"?) embraced a kid with a superhero name, Zuhaar, in front of goal and they had their first.

The next bounce saw order restored with Gawn tapping to Pircket who got it to Schache for him to lay a beautiful pass to Fritsch on the lead.  He may not be the hardest at it, but Josh has some skills.  Bayley kicked his third for the quarter only for the field umpire to ask for a review.  I’m not sure why, perhaps to add some interest to the game, or perhaps to make sure the Crypto sponsor of the review got some air time, but we were up by seven goals.

On re-start Petracca, seemingly having cloned himself and playing in every part of the ground, bombed it to Kozzi who kicked truly.  Again, I missed this while typing notes and trying to answer my kids questions on overthrowing democracy.  No bother, as Gawn then torpedoed one out of the middle at the restart that bounced through, only to be overruled on Crypto review for combing Van Rooyens barnet. Ben Brown cut his hair to raise money for charity and didn't cost us five points – just saying.

We were up 50-6 at quarter time and Oliver already had 16 touches, but anyone who thought we'dd finish 200-24 and Oliver would have over 60 possessions hasn't watched footy. It was still a prospect to keep us interested. (Around this time the idea of winning by a bumper margin made me so nervous I started eating bread until it made me feel ill -A)  

On cue, Oliver got his 17th touch at the start before moving back to mortal possession numbers, and Rivers got a goal as a result of some undisciplined stuff from Stephenson (remember him playing for a team that’s now top four?). In the spirit of half back flanks getting goals, the game went into keystone cops territory, North were trying to chip around to slow us down but weren't good enough and we seemed genuinely incredulous at what they were trying to do.

Amongst this chaos, it should be noted that we were having trouble setting up play from the back flank and I welcome Salem's return as soon as possible. On the subject of backlines, I would have given a vote to Zieblel if I could, his man-to-man contests were impressive and he really seemed to take losing a lot more personally than anyone else out there. Kudos.

I was typing notes about spoiled marks and professional footballers being unable to kick 50 metres when Chandler got his second. They got the benefit of the next bounce, and one of their players from the name randomiser (Darcy Tucker) took a grab in front only to fluff the kick. That they got it out of the middle to Larkey to kick a goal straight away didn't bother me, what bothered me was the thought of how much of their salary cap he must be taking.  He's a good player, but surely he’s going to need a haircut to bring better players in. Why am I worried about the other team?  Boredom, probably.

Them scoring didn't matter. Petracca, who seemed to be spookily everywhere, converted from 45 after the next bounce, before a truly hilarious and depressing piece. After getting it back into our forward 50, one of the North players looked to kick it out from the square, but seemed to be in no rush at all, leaving Neal-Bullen to chase, tackle, dispossess him, and kick it from one meter out.  We were into serious punching-down now. Grundy gave away a mysterious 50 that they only got a point from, then another via locking it in. This normally drives me spare, but at enough points up I was more interested in the bizarre chants my kids were working on.

We quickly got it forward after the second point, allowing Picket to launch one from 55 metres out that Fritsch blocked through – a victory for everyone under 70kgs everywhere. 81-15 at halftime and no injuries to us, "this might do", I thought as I started looking at the fire alarms available.

The third quarter started with Schache being outmarked by Ziebel and the same thing happened with Van Rooyen a minute later, but at least the young chap had a go. He finished with four touches for the game, but created opportunities and still kicked a goal.  Speaking of opportunities, he helped lock the ball in, letting (now crumber) Petracca kick another. 

North went into serious chip-it-around mode like they were being coached by Neil Balme in ’93, but were just not good enough to maintain possession and we cut it off and got it to Fritsch for his fourth.  He didn't do much for the rest of the game, but did he have to? They then got a bit of a run-on with salary-cap man Larkey took a good mark and kicked a goal, before the superhero kid won a free from an enormous balancing act and kicked another.

Despite them getting some scores together, our backline was performing well; Rivers and May were intercepting in what can only be called "gracefully" while Hibberd, Bowey and co were all doing their jobs. We rebounded for Van Rooyen to mark at an angle inside the forward 50 and convert.  He wasn’t perfect on the night, but presented and worked hard.  I remember Andrew Strauss being lauded as the test captain of England after an early century at the Oval and I’m not afraid to make the same call about Jacob.  Captaining the Dees, not the English Test team.

There was a fair bit of mysterious umpiring happening at this point, with some frees that could only be explained by the X Files. I don’t mind this sort of thing in irrelevant games, but if you have a culture where opinionated umpiring is ok, it will impact games that do matter.

It was 100 to 30 at the start of the fourth quarter and fans suddenly had the prospect of a 100-point win to look forward to.  Unfortunately this is Melbourne, which is why we can’t have nice things. The opening bounce saw the ball get to our forward 50 where the ball bounced off Petraccas chest for a point.  At this stage of the game I was surprised that it didn’t explode on touching him, such was his impact.

Comedic football ensued with Schache falling onto Ziebel, rather than contest with him, giving away a free.  Petracca got the ball back and passed it to Gawn, who missed. At this stage it was my turn to go to the loos, and Petracca kicked another goal.  I would overhydrate myself every week to ensure that we won, even if I had to spend the game smelling in a concrete room that stank of piss.

Globetrotter stuff then re-commenced as 150-game man, Brayshaw, missed one from 50 after having a night of interceptions and general play dictation based on being a better footballer than most people out there. We went forward again and Viney roved one to kick truly. At some point Harmes came on as the sub for Hibberd (who had competed and worked tirelessly) and they got another chance through Larkey, but he stuffed the kick. How's that salary cap going?

To continue the theme of mysterious umpiring, we had a holding the ball not paid, but rebounded the ball faster than North fans leaving the ground for Pickett to set up Chandler for another. My youngest went to the loo at this point and on our return we learnt that Schache had been given a goal through a free kick, I started to make a note about this but Neal-Bullen set up Bowey of all people to kick it through from 50 and any meaning in this game truly disappeared.

We had a 100-point difference and if we could hold onto this many fans might have stuck around, and my kids might have stayed awake. We got the next bounce out of the middle, Grundy marked and converted in the square, possibly denying Van Rooyen, but who cared at this point? Brodie had dropped a few and been a bit iffy in disposal, but was brilliant in the middle and helped move the ball forward all evening.

We lost the next bounce out of the middle, though 150-gamer Brayshaw cut it off only for Harmes to fall over, allowing them to ship it around to allow Superboy to kick his third. We got it forward again, allowing Pickett to spin around the opposition more times than should be legal, only for it to spill out for Shiel (remember him?) to kick a straight forward one from 45.

Again, we won the next bounce, though only Harmes seemed motivated to try, running around a bunch of North players before passing to our backline who mucked around with it and gifted Cunnington one on the siren. They kicked the last 3 and we won by 90 with no injuries.  Was it a good game? No.  Would I repeat the experience? Yes.

2023 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Christian Petracca
4 - Kade Chandler
3 - Brodie Grundy
2 - Clayton Oliver
1 - Kysaiah Pickett

Apologies to Swallow, Brayshaw, Pickett, Langdon, May and Rivers

Leaderboard

23 - Clayton Oliver, Christian Petracca

11 - Brodie Grundy (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
8 - Kade Chandler

7 - Max Gawn, Jake Lever (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Jack Viney

5 - Ed Langdon, Kysaiah Pickett

4 - Michael Hibberd

2 - Ben Brown, Steven May, Trent Rivers

1 - Bayley Fritsch, Lachie Hunter, Tom McDonald

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year

With 22 goals on offer, this seems like it would normally be a tough one, but given a good percentage were scored from straight in front, from the square or in traditional (kick, mark, goal) fashion, I went for something that actually brightened up a pretty soulless evening.

For that reason, I’ve given it to Neal-Bullen for his chase, tackle and goal against a player who is either deaf or really not very good at this football thing.  Alex wins the honour of giving his pen to the next person who signs a contract extension to make sure they play well in their next game after signing too.

Season leaderboard:

1 - Kade Chandler vs Footscray

2 - Jake Melksham vs Footscray

3 - Christian Petracca vs West Coast

Next Week

Thankfully for you, the editors are taking back control of Demonblog (this is actually true - A), so you won’t have to put up with my ramblings.  I'm actually heading up to the Gold Coast for the first time in 30 years to watch the game in person using pre-COVID Jetstar vouchers that they are actually honouring. Silver linings I guess. Again, I don't know a lot about our proposed opponent but they don't seem to be very good. You read it here first.

It's hard to change a winning team, so there's very little I'd make in the way of changes. Schache didn't seem up to AFL level or any sort of physical pressure greater than a handshake, so I'd send him back to Casey or even a country league to harden him up a bit. At the time of writing, Joel Smith has kicked 3 for Casey and I wouldn't be against bringing him in to pinch hit in the Ruck or jump all over the place in forward or back line. Might be fun to watch at least.

More sensibly though, Petty is fit and should come back in wherever they want to play him and Harmes only got about four minutes as the sub, so is due another chance.

Final Thoughts

This game was over with about 12 minutes gone and it would have been nice to see a 100 point win, but I'll take four points on a freezing night with two tired kids over being on the other side of the equation.

Not so good, then much better

It's official, this is going to be a weird season. Six weeks in and we've already had thumping wins over contenders, power cuts, surprise recoveries from major injury, mystery defeats, and now a memorable comeback in front of our biggest home and away crowd in nearly 60 years. God only knows what unusual scenarios are coming next, but at least we're at the right end of the table to deal with them.

Choose your own adventure regarding Monday night. Either focus on running over the top after a ropey start via JVR pulling down full forward screamers or worry about how the season will end if we continue to display the consistency of minestrone soup. As a well-known coward I'm more in the latter camp, but if you look at any good season we've played recently (won't take you long) you'll each ebbed and flowed throughout. Last season we won a shitload at the start, temporarily looked dead for a few weeks, finished the home and away season by piledriving Brisbane, and still conspired to throw away two finals in seven days so who can tell what it all means just yet.

I know whatever it is the likelihood is I won't be seeing it in person. This wasn't even a case of fatal schedule conflict, all I needed to do to attend live was hang around in the city for several hours like a mopey 90s teenager (I assume 2000s teenagers are too busy cyberbullying each other to mope). But I'm not only beyond the point of being able to occupy myself in public, but well past coping in big crowds so ponced off home instead. Footy used to be the one concession I'd make to packed trains, loud noises, and some dickhead yelling nonsense nearby, but post-pandemic I'm pretty much done for. Of course, next week when the crowd will be lucky to reach four figures I can't be there so that pretty much sums up where my life is at.

The good news is that, unlike a few years ago, there were plenty of people to take my place. I still don't believe that Anzac Day 'Eve' is a thing no matter how hard they try to flog it, but if it leads to drawing 83,000+ people to home games then I'm willing to comply. Even as we've pulled back from the financial ledge I'm still so conditioned to thinking about money that my first reaction to the potential cancellation of our Alice Springs game was "do we still get paid?"

Loser mentality runs deep, which is why I was about to curl up in a ball and die when we were four goals down and at risk of conceding an unexpected bag to somebody named after a sausage. The game was by no means over, but after blowing the Brisbane and Essendon games in a quarter of madness my faith in comebacks had been rocked. Thank god for a diminishing Richmond side full of unknowns fading early enough for the coach to try some weird shit at three quarter time that played right into our hands. Let's just say we're back, even without ever actually going away. 

Of all the learnings (copyright S. Goodwin, 2019) we can take from the first quarter, could somebody please counsel Pickett that he's about 0-15 in career ludicrous attempts at screamers and to stop giving away free kicks trying to take them. When he eventually lands Mark of the Century somebody's going to drag up this post to discredit me, but until then let's be clear that ability to jump on an opponent is different to suitably controlling the ball for a mark. Somebody else should do the leaping anyway, leaving him to vacuum up the crumbs.

Speaking of crumb, there was plenty of that to be had at either end. First Neal-Bullen, then Cumberland wandering through octopus-handed tackles that wouldn't have stopped a small child for the equaliser. As the game went on we made some decent goals, but at first the forward line looked like it would be lucky to end the evening on 6.8.44. Hooray for good old fashioned dumb luck, with the ball somehow staying in after Fritsch and Petty stuffed up a two man raffle, allowing Oliver to square for Viney.

For Oliver, this was the polar opposite of last week. This time he went off his nut in the first quarter before calming down. He was still good after that, and kicked a crucial goal on the three quarter time siren, but this time had enough support that he wasn't required to run the numbers up during a lost cause. And this time we won, so stiff shit Supercoach players I'd much rather this result than last week.

We repaid the fluky bounce favour with McVee giving away the most unnecessary free kick of all time while holding a 3-1 advantage in front of goal. Then Jake Lever had a Semi Final-esque run in with the Laws of the Game, charging towards the mark so he was almost level with May by the time the ball was kicked. This probably contributed to the kick skewing to the left, but Jake soon discovered that the reason everyone else doesn't do this is because you're not allowed to. For all the anti-umpire outrage in the first three quarters, and the commentators acting like it was a rule that had been made up on the spot, there was no argument. It wasn't quite as bad as his refusal to give the ball back at the end of the Brisbane game, but only because we had more time to recover.

When Cumberland was having a shot for a fourth at the end of the quarter it was, indeed, the wurst of times. Just as it looked like disaster was on the horizon he was never seen again. May had a very ordinary night, but after his rulebook blunder Lever was good after that. And a word please for Michael Hibberd, who might have his place in history assured as a premiership player but won't be remembered as fondly as some of the other great defenders from his era. Not by me, after prematurely writing him off a couple of years ago I never want him to go away. Now that he's nearly 34 and creaky in the achilles who knows if he'll go on after this campaign but he'll always have a place in my heart for non-25/09/21 deeds.

Not surprisingly, teams have worked out that wildly bombing the ball into our forward line = death (would have been nice if somebody told Essendon). After two years of intercepting more incoming missiles than the Iron Dome, the worst coaches in VFL/AFL history (even the ones employed by us) must have twigged to our strengths by now. Instead of mad human wave attacks they came at us quickly and from various angles, and it briefly looked like leading to disaster. Cut off from our supply of cut offs, we acted like this was a Mankad-style deviation from gentlemanly conduct and kept playing the same way as usual. To be fair to Richmond - and this should generate alarm bells - they kept generating chances all night, it's just that in the second half they couldn't kick a set shot if lives depended on it.

While they were whipping goals out of their arse, our forward line was not in good shape. With both McDonald and Brown scraping barnacles off their dinghy in the VFL, our once bountiful tall forward lineup was down to a four gamer and a key defender. This turned out well in the end, but looked a lot at first like van Rooyen getting the Weideman 2020 "you're a good prospect, go out and lead the attack on your own" treatment. Petty is competent in attack but I'll be much more comfortable when they settle on a structure that allows him to play where he belongs.

If you lived through the Tiges missing a shot in the opening seconds of Q2, then thought the first goal would launch our comeback you'd have loved stuffing up the next centre clearance so badly that it ended with them pelting into the forward 50. Or their next goal being followed by Oliver winning out of the middle and handballing straight to a passing opponent. It was as far from the Mad Minute as you could get while still playing the same sport. Lachie Hunter must have been standing there thinking "where was this in Perth?"

The shambles peaked when we turned a mark in the middle of the ground with somebody steaming past for the handball into a goal against. It should have been a 50 for the Richmond player clinging on for dear life, but that didn't excuse the ball comically bouncing off a teammate in blooper fashion. That put us beyond the Stranglewank mark, requiring turned out to be the eighth recorded Reverse Wank, and first since that blessed Gawn after the siren game. The finale was a touch calmer here.

For all the self-inflicted damage you couldn't beat a spot of bad luck. A Fritsch goal was returned from Richmond doing the most half-arsed, agricultural successful rebound 50 in history. A bunch of wild kicks and wacky bounces came together and I reduced my expectations for the season down to just falling into the eight. Yes, I am as weak as piss, thank you for asking.

Fans of whinging about umpiring got another chance when Fritsch took what look liked a mark and we didn't get to see it being taken off him because Channel 7 had cut to footage of Hardwick cracking the sads. Regardless of this, and I can't remember if they even bothered to show a replay of what happened, we got it back to 14 at the end of this half. I was as shocked as anyone to discover that our pre-season throttling of the Tigers counted for nought when it mattered.

Even though we finished the third quarter marginally behind, the genesis of the run down was in place when Gawn went forward. Grundy did more at stoppages, and even with a bandage that made it looked like he'd been glassed in a nightclub fight Max started plucking marks in and around the 50. They didn't immediately create goals, but it put the fear of god into Richmond's defence and I'd like to think contributed to them cracking like an egg in the last quarter.

Gawn's third contested mark and a vital tackle from Neal-Bullen ended in Chandler doing Chanderesque things with a wobbly snap that made things interesting again. We tried our best to give it straight back, but it took the Tigers a couple of minutes for Riewoldt to wander past Lever's half-baked tackle, then wrong foot May so severely he was lucky not to have done an ankle. Six good minutes up in smoke and I considered tipping the couch over. The furniture was morally put back in its place when Chandler did a cracking forward 50 tackle to make his second.

We almost gave this back via a weird scenario where Grundy won the ball from the bounce, then just placed it on the ground for the Richmond midfield like he was playing rugby union. Via one unconvincing attempt at rebounding, the ball landed with Riewoldt again. Like Joe Daniher he came in with a relatively shit record against us and briefly threatened to kick a bag. We avoided ever being destroyed by Josh Kennedy, and probably won't take a true beating from Lance Franklin now, so considering some of the slop we put out over the years escaping slaughter from all three great modern full forwards will be one of our finest recent achievements. Jack stopped at four, bringing the rest of the side down with him.

If we lost you wouldn't have heard the end of the umpiring, and while we did get hosed a few times I'm a firm believer that unless it costs goals at a crucial time, teams will overcome it if good enough. As you'd expect Brayshaw being pinched for holding the ball when a) he kicked it, and b) the other player didn't tackle him anyway, went down like a fart in an elevator. I can understand an umpire missing ball hitting boot in real-time but the bit where it flew out of his hands mid-bump didn't compute. Maybe they claimed he dropped it, maybe they were just making it up. No point picketing AFL House, we'll get something equally bad or worse before long. And hopefully when we do it'll end better than the missed set shot from close range here.

That might have shut the gate, or made it more difficult than it needed to be in the last quarter, but instead allowed us to get the ball in Oliver's hands after the siren. Never the most reliable set shot he came to the party here, cutting the margin to two. We've run out games well this year so I wasn't concerned about the margin, just whether we stop conceding novelty goals for long enough to win.

Everything could have turned out differently if May's slide through the legs of the less fondly remembered B. Miller of Richmond ended in a goal. He missed and they didn't get another until the game was dead. Meanwhile, the realisation that we should (on paper) run over the top of them prompted Hardwick to shuffle the team around for speed over height. It didn't work, but I'm sure the people who were angriest were the same ones who always accuse coaches of not having a Plan B..

Finally things were going our way, including van Rooyen being dragged to the ground as if taken by a sea monster only for the ball to land straight in the path of Chandler for a tap-in. After doing nowt until then, to the point where he was on the verge of substitution, this kicked off JVR Mania. In the space of 25 minutes he went from the outhouse to the penthouse, with tens of thousands of people chanting his name and every media outlet under the sun clamouring for an interview. It was very enjoyable.

His first goal was the best, pulling down the key forward equivalent of a screamer, bouncing straight back from having knees dropped on him in the aftermath, ignoring teammates jostling to defend his honour, and banging the set shot through with ease. He missed another shot shortly after, then took another contested mark (assisted by Gawn clearly touching it first) for a second. By the time the third arrived you couldn't wipe the smile from his face, leading to very enjoyable post-match interviews where he challenged Chandler for the title of the nicest person ever born.

Now that we were in front both sides spent several minutes trying desperately not win. We kept letting them have set shots, most notably from Rivers' 15 metre pass to a player on his own, they kept missing. I can't imagine being too upset about anything as a 3x premiership winning fan, but still reckon a few Tiges supporters would have been filthy when we went the other way for what I'd declare an absolute bullshit goal if it happened to us. A set shot fell short, and all the defenders missed the massive figure of Gawn standing on the line to grab it and stuff the ball home from either 4 centimetres before or after the line depending on your preferences. 

Lucky the umpire called it a goal because van Rooyen's accidental assist of blocking the camera (because having one in both posts would be impossible?) so it couldn't be overturned. The review led to the ludicrous scenario where Gawn didn't hear the initial decision, so had to wait through the sponsor animation, an 'umpire's call' graphic that told him nothing, and an unnecessary delay to signal the goal before finding out he'd kicked it.

This was enough for the visitors, JVR got his third straight fro mthe next centre bounce and it was very much over. We let Martin recapture his youth with a fend off/goal that commentators could wallop themselves over, but there was no further drama. It was long over when Bailey Laurie came on for the most token substitution since Tom Sparrow replaced a concussed Ed Langdon with about 90 seconds left in 2021. I'm happy that Laurie played, and he must be given more opportunities, but this must have been as close as anyone's gone to not getting on the ground under the tactical sub rule.

After the win came the medal presentation. I was fairly sure that Jack Viney was going to win, and while the coaches collectively chose a Richmond player good luck winning an award in a game you lose by three goals. Look at the result the next day, when Essendon led for three quarters before copping 30 year delayed karma for 1992 and just one of their players snuck in for a token vote. 

Unlike two years ago when the host had no idea who'd won until she was midway through awarding it, AFLW premiership legend Libby Birch went to the opposite end of the spectrum and added absolutely no pause for suspense. I bet Tim Taranto wouldn't have given as joyful a nation uniting speech as Jack Viney. Everybody's walloping themselves over Darcy Moore's classy speech on the real Anzac Day, but while he might have pumped up the troops, he didn't talk about how grouse Australia is like the lost Oz Brother. I know which of the two I'd rather address the joint houses of Parliament.

So, what could have gone absurdly tits up if they'd got one more goal turned out a reasonably comfortable win. There's still a lot to improve, and good luck working out the form line when the team that thrashed Richmond last week nearly went down to a triple figure loss in Geelong days later, but at this stage it's all about wins and shoring up ladder position. If we can get on a roll in Round 20+ nobody will retrospectively give half a rat's tossbag that we had to come from four goals down to beat a depleted side. Mission accomplished, have a public holiday to celebrate*. (* sorry if you missed it, this took a long time to publish). 

2023 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jack Viney
4 - Michael Hibberd
3 - Christian Petracca
2 - Max Gawn
1 - Ed Langdon

Large scale apologies to Chandler, Lever, Neal-Bullen and Oliver. Second half apologies to Grundy and van Rooyen.

Leaderboard
In a rare week where Oliver gets squeezed out, the only interest for the main award is Petracca narrowing the gap. Good luck catching either of them from here. Perhaps you'd prefer to concentrate on the minors, where Maximum has pinched back a share of the Stynes (and no, it doesn't matter if he's not earning votes for rucking, he had 17 hitouts so is well over the constitutional required average of 10 per game). Lever retains the Seecamp lead, while JVR must be into about $1.01 now to be the first man to pocket a Hilton vote this season.

21 - Clayton Oliver
18 - Christian Petracca
8 - Brodie Grundy (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
7 - Max Gawn, Jake Lever (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Jack Viney
5 - Ed Langdon
4 - Kade Chandler, Michael Hibberd, Ed Langdon, Kysaiah Pickett
2 - Ben Brown, Steven May, Trent Rivers
1 - Bayley Fritsch, Lachie Hunter, Tom McDonald

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Usually I'd start by eliminating any set shots that didn't win the game, consider Chandler's wacky snap, then give it to the quick reaction Gawn goal for novelty value, but even if it didn't automatically tip the balance I can't ignore Oliver after three quarter time. It gave us a boost going into the last quarter and kept the score within a range that had Richmond looking over their shoulder. And that they got. For the weekly prize he gets a new variety of Maggi noodles named after his hairdo. No changes to the overall leaderboard.   

Season leaderboard:
1 - Kade Chandler vs Footscray
2 - Jake Melksham vs Footscray
3 - Christian Petracca vs West Coast.

Audience participation corner
If you've read this far you're the sort of sicko that I've got a job for. I'll be in disarray next Saturday so any report will be even more shambolically piecemeal and late than usual. So, if you're interest in taking the poison chalice for a week I'm taking applications for a guest writer. Get in contact via Twitter DM (if Captain Flange isn't making you pay to receive them by then), email or knock on my door if interested...

Next week
... and what you/a fellow enthusiast will be reviewing is us vs North, a game that we should romp on paper but I am - you won't be surprised to find out - shitscared about. For one we've been wobbly against them across their last two rotten years, secondly Clarko used to have a Ross Lyon style leash on us and I need proof that's not going to happen again. I can see another brief scare before pulling away in the end.

Obviously there's no need for wholesale changes, and with both Salem and Spargo confirmed absences the only thing I'll do is give some respect to North's forwards, send Petty back where he belongs, and give Brown his chance. He kicked 0.4 in the seconds but he knows what he's doing in senior company. Alternatively, if you want Petty to provide some muscle around JVR then I'd be inclined to hit the Disco button and play Turner.

The unlucky victim in all this is Sparrow, who wasn't bad but somebody's got to be rested occasionally. Compensate with more midfield Pickett and Brayshaw if that's what it takes. But what do I know? It's a bit harsh on Dunstan and Harmes after having about 80 possessions between them in the VFL but Dees win by enough to avoid haemorrhaging from the ears.

IN: Brown
OUT: Laurie (can be sub again), Sparrow (rested)
LUCKY: Nil
UNLUCKY: Dunstan, Harmes

Final thoughts
On the siren I felt sick about missing another notable live win, but that's the breaks when you reach the Alan Partridge I just hate the general public stage of life. But I love the 'mons, and all the bits after I packed away the '3 And Out d. 1 And Done' headline would have been great whether at the MCG or in a sordid grief hole. Maybe the opposition was running on fumes but after last week I'm back to taking wins by any means necessary.

Ruck and maul

Every time in the last two years we've threatened to fall over as favourites I've declared it the new Adelaide 2021. This was finally as close as you'll get, with every similar element other than being close enough to get ripped off by cowardly umpiring. We unexpectedly lost, at the same ground, with our defence sprung open like an unlocked door. I was worried that South Australia Week would lead to us accidentally being fixtured at Football Park, and we played accordingly.

You can't sugarcoat a five-finger stinker like this. Brisbane was bad, but we arguably came out better due to a) injury, b) throwing it away in one burst of stupidity, and c) the rug-sweeping post-blackout blast. This started badly, looked set to turn good for about 10 minutes, then spun into farce. Hopefully it's the sort of defeat you can write off in a few weeks as a loss 'we had to have'. Even if we didn't, every premiership aspirant has a 'forget it and move on' debacle, there's no need to take poison in Rundle Mall yet.

Focusing on our fizz out shouldn't detract from how well Essendon played. Even post flag I'd still rather lose to the Real IRA than them, but they did us like a dinner here so good luck to them. We could fall back on blaming missing players, but if the shoe was on the other foot you'd piss yourself laughing at them trying to dodge scrutiny for a sketchy performance due to the lack of key players. Ironically their injuries probably sank us, I'd much rather have taken on 2m Peter and The Weid than A. Random Ruckman and friends.

If there's anything to be said for this rubbish, it's that it included many elements which shouldn't regularly be repeated. Our defence shattered like a retreating army, Oliver couldn't get near it when it counted (albeit still forcing his way to 40+ disposals because he's a great man), players were getting themselves knocked out in slapstick fashion, and the opposition were generally doing whatever they liked with nobody capable of stopping them. I'm not entirely sure but don't think this was the real Melbourne. I'll get sad retrospectively if we play the same way next week, but recognise for now that it sucked hard enough to take the chrome off a bumper bar and will move on.

This episode of Spontaneous Combustion: The MFC Way was bad news for everyone who'd been roped into travelling for Gather Round. Forget adjusting interest rates on inflation figures judged by the price of cabbage, the number of Victorians who could justify going by air, road, or rail to watch their side play the usual teams in a different local should have the Reserve Bank convening an emergency meeting on Monday morning. Advantage to the lazy and disengaged, I scared the kids on the couch for the first two quarters, silently fumed on my own during the third, and was basically resigned to our fate by the start of the fourth. Total cost - $0, total precipitation felt 0.0ml.

For all the intense pulling of pud over the 'success' of this weekend (most of it starting on the first night for an... Adelaide home game), and talk like an initiative that resolved the war in Ukraine, the downside to double headers was exposed when our 'sold out' game began with about 20,000 people in the stadium. I don't blame Port and Bulldog fans for not coming early to sit in the rain and watch some other dickheads play (though Footscray supporters might have been more interested if they'd known we were going to go tits up) but it suggests not to bother with curtain raisers for the local sides next time. 

In order to justify the SA government's investment they counted our crowd as part of the later game, even though Adelaide Oval was half empty by the end. The AFL website doesn't even list a crowd for our game, while other sites are going for the kayfabe-defying claim that we get a share of 45,115 total. 

This concept is obviously here to stay because of the major bunce on offer, but if you've got four nights to fill give the two local sides standalone games, and either play double headers with all the tourist teams, or send us all on the Freo/Gold Coast style tour of the suburban grounds. Apparently Perth wants a slice of this action now too, but unless you're trying to find something for the locals to do of a weekend that doesn't seem a sensible use of taxpayer money. Whether interstate people can accept it or not, this doesn't work without the combined weight of Victorian fans, so putting it somewhere without a realistic land connection to us is bonkers. Sydney would work (even if the locals couldn't give a shit), Perth, Queensland, Tasmania etc... would be shite. On the other hand, I won't be attending so play on Madagascar if it suits.

I thought playing in front of a half empty stadium might give us comfort, but it was obvious from the start that we were off like sour milk. The absence of Lever and Hibberd didn't help, and now we're in misery mode you wonder if whether the former had to miss, we could have waited a week to manage the latter. This is classic loser talk, I want to believe it would have made a difference but would probably have ended in Hibberd's achilles shattering into a dozen pieces. Without either of them, the survivors of our backline fell victim to the literally biggest parade of Kingsley Kandidates for years, with previously unheralded ruckmen wandering around our defensive 50 like Lockett and Loewe doing an impression of Leopold and Loeb.

I'd have taken losing to Essendon better if Adem Yze got the job over Brad Scott, but you can't fault the Docklands roof closure advocate for realising that this was the perfect week to hoof the ball inside 50 and hope for the best. That's usually football suicide against us, but without Lever, Petty coming back off two weeks in attack, no serious Hibberd substitute, and apparently Grundy having no power to impact defensive contests it worked a treat. I encourage others to try the same, because once we get a real side back we'll take 72 intercept marks, kick 20 goals on the rebound and win in a landslide.

Scott also wins the Mike Larkin Award for weather forecasting, correctly predicting that he could get away with a tall forward line long enough to have an impact before the forecast rain hit. I wasn't surprised when Ben Brown coincidentally failed to come up just as the remnants of a cyclone headed towards Adelaide, but we'd have got a half out of him before the rain came, and if we made it that far without an injury one of he, McDonald, or JVR could have been subbed out when the rain came.

Our backmen will be defamed from all angles after this. They weren't very good, but even if Tomlinson was wiped out, May had his worst game for god knows how long, both Bowey and McVee looked shitscared, and Petty barely got a hand on it until the third quarter, their job would have been a lot easier if we hadn't been obliterated at centre clearances again. For all the clearance power around the ground, inability to get hands on the ball first at bounces is becoming a trend. I know they're happy to attack on the rebound, but that's fine when the world's best defence was together against Sydney, conceding three goals straight from the middle here while the game was still alive shows the risks. I'm not expecting one Mad Minute a quarter, but any sort of repeat stoppage that stops the ball being dropped deep into the opposition 50 seconds later would be nice.

Turns out you can't play West Coast every week. Like last year the good times ground to a halt shortly after we thumped them. Last year we dragged through the motions once more against North before our first lost, this time we proceeded directly from Premiership Stadium to Disappointment Central.

So there was Oliver being tagged to buggery, Grundy tapping the ball to nobody, and Essendon picking their way around the field almost unchallenged. Which was concerning. Not necessarily fatal if we could short-circuit them by scoring, but our first few attacks looked like early Paul Roos. Next thing they were two up and I was clenching both jaw and bunghole at the idea of being turned over by a side I'd predicted to be complete shite this season.

The second goal set off alarm bells, with Tomlinson failing to come to terms with a ruckman and giving away a free. Enter a guy who'd never kicked more than one in a game, across three clubs and 66 games in 12 seasons for his first of two, and wake up Kent Kingsley because you've got work to do. Phillips went missing when the rain came, our entire side had gone well before that.

After that nervy start, sanity looked to have resumed when Pickett won the raffle of several players on their own inside 50, then Fritsch got another courtesy of being walloped around the head after a mark. Now we could get back on with things from a neutral position, and when Bayley put us ahead via the most casual, opponent free forward lead possible it was easy to pretend that Essendon had fired their best shot and would now go away. This didn't reckon with them taking the ball straight back inside 50 to find holes you could have steered the Titanic through.

Tomlinson's "I'm only here for a week" horror show continued when he gave away a free at the top of the square. His best moment all day was realising that the close range meant the goal was unmissable and using his free hit to vigorously dissent the decision. The 50 made no difference from there, why not tell the umpire what he's done wrong?

I didn't like conceding, but when they burst forward, took advantage of McVee's fumble and got another seconds later I was boiling. I'm grateful that both the socially acceptable Judd and Trent Rivers turned back the opportunity to fly across the country every two weeks and re-signed during the week, but the only thing more potent than a media curse is the new contract curse and it got them both here. It seems to have taken everyone on the list down with them, but not before one bright period on either side of quarter time where Melksham rolled back the clock to either 2018 or Carlton 2022 (delete as applicable) with two goals. He was practically never seen again, other than trying to do a pro wrestling trying small package on an opponent in the third quarter. Then again neither was Pickett, who I'd nearly commit a felony for if he'd sign a long-term contract with us, going missing along with everyone else.

We briefly got away with comical defensive efforts like allowing players to mark uncontested on the line. They missed, Pickett was coathangered to set up our fourth in a row and what you'd like to think would have happened next didn't. A fifth goal in a row went begging when Melksham ignored teammates to go for glory. Usually I'm against bullying players for instinctively taking shots, but when your snap doesn't make the distance you probably should have done something else. This was the closing ceremony for the Milkshake, who went from what looked like a career extending performance to pulling his Casey jumper out of the closet. For those who do like complaining about players having a ping, is that the commentators started to get sooky about Fritsch not sharing later. I'll back the guy who's kicked goals in about 35 consecutive matches thanks.

Then the rot really set in. We couldn't get keep the ball out of our backline long enough to look comfortable, and an unnecessary 50 against Petracca got Essendon going again. Got them going a little bit too strongly, because we didn't kick another goal for almost an hour, sinking like a trace half an hour before the rain set in.

The only good bit about throwing the game away before half time was the moment of justice for Round 9, 2021. A defender who shall not be named in case this post is tagged for harassment found himself holding the ball in that pocket, with no idea what to do next and thumped it straight over the line. I'd seen this before, but presumably having been shown a DVD with on screen caption stating THIS IS A DELIBERATE, these umpires rightly paid it. As discussed many times before it's redundant whinging about not getting the free in 2021 because we went on to - and I want to be clear about this - win the premiership, but the joke will still be on me when it turns out that was the same umpire who squibbed it last time. 

We got a look at what probably would have happened last time when Stringer's kick missed. Thank god that for everything else going wrong we were spared from a performance by him that would tilted the commentators into full Rankin' Wankin' mode. I'll take being dudded by journeymen, hasbeens and dickheads, but not him. Some people just grind your gears, even if they've never done anything to us.

I was surprisingly calm when their next goal came via ruckman crumb. God knows where most of our team was at this point, half of them barely had a touch. Chandler had his worst game since emerging from Tracksuit Time (though he got the obligatory ripper goal when the game was stuffed), JVR had a wholehearted bash but only one kick outside the free that delivered him a goal, and your guess as to the whereabouts of Tom Sparrow is as good as mine.

We barely held on in the dying minutes of the first half, and Essendon missed three decent chances to pour another goal on and make it an even more uncomfortable break. To cap off one of the more forgettable halves of recent times, Spargo managed to concuss himself in ludicrous fashion by ducking into a player who couldn't do anything but run through him. He wasn't even trying to rort a free, he already had the ball and was (I think) considering a highlight reel Matrix move under the oncoming opponent to play on. That didn't work, and he ended up standing the mark looking like he'd just been knocked out in a pub carpark, before being subbed out.

That incident said all you needed to know about how we were going. If somebody threw 18 rakes onto the field we'd have stepped on them Sideshow Bob style. All was not lost, despite playing like we'd seen a ghost the margin was only 17. If we were that far in front I'd be convinced we were going to lose by a point (insert more references to Adelaide 2021), and was not insurmountable for a side that's proved it can both run games out and score in a burst.

You'd think the belated arrival of the biblical rains would have worked in favour of the team that had been conceding marks to huge men inside 50 all game. That it might have, if they didn't instead switch to kicking goals out of their arse from every angle instead, while we had nothing from forwards tall or small. By their third in a row to open the quarter I'd have stopped watching if I had anything better to do.

We broke even from there, but too little too late. I don't know if Oliver's tagger gave up because the game was won, or if Clarence was just set on proving you couldn't hold him for four quarters but he went on to 30 touches in the second half - including 20 in the last quarter. That's all well and good, and spoiler alert he probably wins our best on ground by the sleaziest default since Jordie McKenzie at 186, but it didn't help us when the game was there to be won. 

From the 'Where's your Plan B?' files, I could have gone with switching Petty and McDonald halfway through the third. Petty had his best period of a rocky afternoon during this 30 minutes, but we were beyond the point where the game could be saved and Sizzle was slowly frying to death at the other end. He was my favourite player for a couple of years, and I'll always fondly remember his indulging in my Twitter shenanigans before switching to an all-political whinging agenda but four goals againt West Cosat B or not, I think he may be gorn as a serious attacking factor.

After the three goals that effectively killed the game, the remainder of the quarter became a literal, soggy slopfest. That suited Essendon, they'd already done the hard work and were content to run the clock down. For our part we could have done with the police helicopter to pluck half the side from whatever patch of water they were floundering around in. 

If you were hoping for a reverse Sullivan Line miracle, the Petracca goal at the start of the last quarter might have interested you. I was just going through the motions by now, it wasn't going to happen and the best we could do would be a replay of Brisbane and storm home when it didn't matter anymore. There was a slight stirring deep in my soul when Neal-Bullen legged it inside 50 from the next bounce but that ended in ball vs behind post and it was over again. Even their sub, the main who provoked the greatest of all #fistedforever era images got involved with two goals.

When Fox spent Kelli Underwood and Dwayne on the early game I thought we were going to be free of nonsense here, only for Anthony Hudson to get over-excited and suggest "who knows" when we were five goals down with 10 minutes to go. He'd already lost #1 in my commentary rankings to Jason Bennett, but now I'm relegating him below the sensible and measured Adam Papalia in the Pay TV division.

Things were going so badly that we ended by losing two line-ball video reviews in a row. At least the first one was called at the time, the next didn't come until everyone was back in the middle ready to restart. It certainly hit the post, but let's see the same thing happen in a Prelim and hopefully the crowd will invade the field. What happens if it's the last play of a thriller, and the siren goes as the ball crosses the line? How long do they get to call a wildcat review before the game is declared over? Or are they off the hook the moment the siren goes? No such issues for us here, we'd been dead for 45 minutes.

If there's anything you can take as comfort from this, it's that a) it's game 5/23, and b) we beat all the teams we were supposed to last year and look how that worked out. In a season where the ladder looks to be more crowded than a Beijing elevator every loss harms our chances of finishing in the top four, but means you could conceivably win it all from anywhere in the eight. If you make it. And when, suddenly, that's what I'm looking at in Round 5 you know things aren't going as well as they were a week ago.

2023 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Clayton Oliver
4 - Christian Petracca
3 - Ed Langdon
2 - Jack Viney
1 - Bayley Fritsch

Nobody deserves apologies, but Grundy, Hunter, Petty and Pickett were all in the mix for the poorly contested one vote spot.

Leaderboard
On a day when nobody deserved a vote, the cream rose to the top again. Good luck beating them from here. No movement in the minor awards.

21 - Clayton Oliver
15 - Christian Petracca
8 - Brodie Grundy (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
7 - Jake Lever (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
5 - Max Gawn 
4 - Kade Chandler, Kysaiah Pickett
3 - Ed Langdon
2 - Ben Brown, Steven May, Trent Rivers, Jack Viney
1 - Bayley Fritsch, Lachie Hunter, Tom McDonald

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
I could almost go for Chandler again, but I'll do something for diversity in awards by giving it to Neal-Bullen for his goal on the run in the last quarter. For the weekly prize he wins a ticket to the next Gather Round at Fukushima Power Plant.

Season leaderboard:
1 - Kade Chandler vs Footscray
2 - Jake Melksham vs Footscray
3 - Christian Petracca vs West Coast.

Next Week
The good news is footy's not going to ruin your long weekend, but only because we play on Monday night. Richmond are ebbing away and haven't gone near us since lockdowns were a thing but I'm still terrified that they're going to rear up with one last gasp and leave us looking shaky as all buggery. You would hope valuable lessons were learned here (please also mention connection - Simon Goodwin editor) and it'll be back to the swashbucking days of old but don't put your life on it. If we win well it will confirm suspicions that we've corrected our issues with playing at the MCG, seemingly by losing the ability to beat decent teams anywhere else.

We don't do selection table massacres, but with one enforced out and two certain (I think) ins this should be as close as it gets. Obviously, if fit Lever and Hibberd come back, and Spargo misses with his self-inflicted concussion. The first two outs are obvious, I see no reason for continued Melksham or Tomlinson. If Lever or May go out again I'll have one Disco Turner with the lot please. And it's time to move on from the Milkshake - he's still ok as an emergency option but please commence plowing games into Laurie, Howes et al.

There's some chance Gawn will be fit but let's not rush him back just to try and win Round 6. Otherwise, McDonald didn't do it against a non-chaotic team so Brown gets his spot back and I'm open to any sort of random, left field selection. Why not pick Sestan so a large primetime audience can be introduced to the Brad Green at Manchester United style anecdote about kicking 22 in a game. If he ever does debut I pledge not to mention it except in extraordinary circumstances.

IN: Brown, Hibberd, Laurie, Lever
OUT: Spargo (inj), McDonald, Melksham, Tomlinson (omit)
LUCKY: Nil
UNLUCKY: Jordon (remains sub)

Final thoughts
This was pure drizzling urine but I was over it about 10 minutes before the siren. Apologies to everyone who remembers the good old days of blowing a lid over similar defeats. Life's healthier this way.