Intercontinental box ticking exercise

If we were ever going to fulfil my prophecy of humiliating a team this season, it made sense to start with a rebuilding side, crippled by injury, hosting us on the ground of our greatest triumph. Under those circumstances some were probably slightly disappointed to win by just 63 points. Not me, I learned never to look a gift thrashing in the mouth after sooking about only beating Gold Coast by 90 points in 2011, then losing by double that + more a few months later.

For those unfairly considering a sour response, why not pretend we beat Sydney by five goals and West Coast by 15. In the end the percentage implications will be the same, and you can feel better about spending your public holiday Sunday afternoon watching 44 men holding hands over their eyes to block out sun. There is absolutely no need to sook that we didn't win by more, massive wins in Round 4 are a footnote by September. I'd like some for my own amusement, but consider the terrible alternative where this was our first win over the year and just be happy that we're 3-1, with plenty of potential improvement and the best ruckman in the land to come back. In 2013/2014 we won six games by a combined margin of just 78 points, I'm quite happy with how things went and would encourage you to be the same.

We've mastered the art of playing in Perth recently, and this felt like one of the many times we went there as the rotten underdog, with only the remotest lucky punch chance of winning. Often we were the ones hanging around like a bad smell for a quarter then gently sliding to our death. Now we're the tormentors. And not a minute too soon, I remember the Eagles being a fearsome organisation, now we've beaten them three times in a row for the first time since 1988-1990, and added a freelance monstering of their AFLW side along the way. They'll be fine, it'll take more than a few down years to blow up a club that brings in enough revenue to have us all killed.

Assuming this page keeps going (and I've got to drag it out to next year at a minimum to reach the 20 year anniversary), how many years will games in Perth be hijacked by Grand Final chat? I'm going to suggest the answer is infinite, it'll stop when I drop dead. People still tell me how tragic it was that we won the Grand Final there instead of in Melbourne. This assumes we'd have made it to a Grand Final in the first place despite having - at the time - NFI at the MCG. Now, because we play so infrequently on the ground every visit is a chance to remember what happened in the exact same spot on 25/09/21. Even when I watch somebody else's games there my brain superimposes moments from that night onto what I'm seeing in front of me. It won't be too many years before I'm a gibbering, demented wreck, but I'm determined that even if I forget my name, what my kids look like, and how to go to the toilet unaided, I will still be able to visualise moments from that game. 

What the less catchy 09/04/23 had over the Greatest Event In The History of Australian Rules was afternoon sun giving players the shits. That blessed event started two hours later, by which time the spectacle wasn't ruined by players squinting and generally kicking straight to the opposition. At least that was my excuse for our turnovers, I think the depleted Eagles were just flat out no good at the hands > ball > boot > ball > teammate interface. They had the biggest crack possible, and got plenty of possessions but generally sprayed it to all points of the compass except the one it was meant to go to. We weren't at our best by foot or hand either but you won't get a better advertisement for the benefits of class and cohesion.

The idea that this could turn into a procession was helped by a goal in the first 30 seconds. Forget Hogan, Jackson, van Rooyen (?), Fritsch is the one that should be demanding a trade to a Perth team. Sadly the Eagles had both pride and dignity, refusing to do us a favour and die on the spot. In fact, for a few minutes they were winning enough of the ball that the regular blunders didn't matter. 

Deep down you knew that if Sydney or Footscray couldn't hang with us for four quarters there was no way this ragtag bunch of random individuals could go one better but they had as good a go as possible. Pickett putting the ball on a platter for the returning McSizzle suggested that if got it down there quickly enough they would have NFI how to stop us. In the end, we scored 31 times from 58 forward entries so that idea held up, but not before the briefest threat to keep things interesting when they got the next two goals and levelled scores. Again, the rational part of the brain said they couldn't keep it up, the MFC damaged bit was a touch alarmed.

For West Coast fans, the fun ended shortly after. But you can't say they haven't had a bit of joy over the years. Now that they and Adelaide have had to go through some much deserved misery, the last people who need to take their turn at the bottom are Geelong (reminder: haven't won less than seven games in a year since the mid-70s), who are so cockroach/nuclear bomb that they'll probably turn their 0-3 start into repeat flags.

We were still not playing that well, but I'll admit to giving a little yelp when 2018 era McDonald reemerged to pull down a big mark in front of the goal for the third. Via May touching a goal through with the barest margin of error, this was what ultimately put them away. We could even afford a bit of slapstick, with Petty and Spargo vs one hapless defender nearly ending in tragedy when Petty missed the mark. Things apparently work in your favour when you're good, because it bounced straight to Spargo to kick anyway. 

See also free kicks, suddenly just as the Eagles are no good they not getting a thousand frees when playing at home. My issue with these umpires wasn't the decisions, because it was such a throwaway game that it wasn't going to make a difference, but one of them having NFI how to bounce the ball. At one point he recalled it because it didn't go high enough. I'm usually into tradition but I can do without this. Either that or let the bounce fling off at random angles without ever recalling it.

In another reminder that we are now a (relative) powerhouse, we tore a team's soul out with a late goal. After hanging in for the best part of 30 minutes, McDonald capped off a cracking first quarter with a pass to Perth Stadium specialist Fritsch, who goalled on the siren. The Eagles had done very well to stop us from running away for most of the quarter, this would have been deflating.

It felt like weren't far from doing serious damage, and this atmosphere was given a boost by Kayo's 'we have no sponsors for this slot' music, straight from the soundtrack of a show featuring grisly murders in the forest. It was only when I was told that this is because gambling ads are banned in some states that I realised how much better televised sport is when nobody's screaming at you to bet with mates before giving the mandatory 'gamble responsibly' message with the passion of a Viet Cong hostage. Here's a free idea Kayo, come up with a setting that replaces the filler slide and serial killer music with random goals from your selected team. 

When Fritsch got a third just after the restart I was having visions of another six goal haul driving us to another great victory. He didn't get any more, but who's complaining, all his best work was done when the game still had some heat in it. I don't need my forwards to stretch their goals out across the quarters if they can create maximum carnage at the start. This was not the throwing open of floodgates that I'd hoped for, and with hands now permanently shielding the eyes the game went into what might have been the earliest period of junk time in the history of Round 4. 

West Coast weren't making it easy for us, but there was none of the fancy end-to-end movement that makes fans slide off their seats no matter the atmospheric conditions. We had our last (relative) scare when they kicked one goal, then comically put one out on the full immediately after. I enjoyed Garry Lyon jumping on my bandwagon and saying that you get better value out of shit kicks into our defensive 50 than good ones. He put it a bit more diplomatically but when you know, you know. By now even I was losing interest and wondering if it wouldn't be better if teams could just concede when they had nothing else to give.

We weren't playing in any way badly, but there weren't too many peak performances. It was difficult coming up with votes because any of 10 had claims for 5, 4, 3, 2 or 1. Minor spoiler alert - I really enjoyed Grundy's performance. Hitouts are a bullshit stat, but he was great in following up at ground level, and even took a Gawn-esque contested grab at one point. Any dreams he had of a Mitch Clark style goalkicking rebirth are on hold until Maximum comes back (as we hope, permanently, is a Clark-esque descent into injury hell) but so far the bargain value of this trade is exceeding the empty envelope we gave to Carlton for Jeff Garlett. If Freo could do us a favour and stay shit, the second first round pick for Jackson could give both of them a shake.

The gap in the fixture caused by the Easter Monday game meant this had no competition, and neutrals looking for Sunday afternoon footy would have been reconsidering their life choices early in the third term. The pressure was very good from both sides but they weren't capable of a comeback and we weren't threatening to win by a perverse margin so there wasn't much in it for outsiders. Not much for me either, I started regularly pausing to do other things and ended up about 20 minutes in the hole. My commitment to this game was so poor from the outset that I didn't even bother setting up the Megawall and just watched directly from the computer. You won't get any sympathy from Perth fans, but good luck to anybody on Eastern Standard Time with a family being able to sit down and watch a 5.20pm game without being interrupted.

After 10 minutes of abject slop, including Pickett's third miss on a day where he visibly had to stop himself from clobbering opponents a couple of times, the final nail in the coffin was provided by who else but Christian Petracca. He hadn't got much of it in the opening quarter, but once the tag fell away he did Petraccaish things that the Eagles couldn't stop. Like marking 40 metres out directly in front, immediately running around snapping the goal. Viney got another one not long after and it was game over. Realistically it already had been at quarter time, but I needed more evidence to be sure.

By now we'd firmly established who was going to win, and we pulled off another Mad Minute. This time it was to the right of screen, and we got the first two before Pickett missed again - by now threatening to match Troy Longmuir's iconic 0.5 in Round 1, 1999. Perhaps the last bit of interest was van Rooyen absolutely storming through the middle of the 50 to pull down a contested mark and goal. This was good, but I was also impressed by his contest when the ball was on the ground. Suffice to say he's a keeper, and suitors from his home state can piss right off.

Even with them kicking a rare goal on the siren you could afford to relax, we were ahead of the Chris Sullivan Line and nothing could officially go wrong. You probably enjoyed the last quarter with your feet up, I had to start driving in pelting rain. The Transport Accident Commission appreciated us putting the game away, because if distracted drivers die then god knows what's going to happen the day I've got to be behind the wheel during a thriller. With the assumption that we'd have the game put away by three quarter time, my original plan was to listen on the radio but I'd left myself so far behind with excessive pausing that the last quarter had already started by the time I finished watching the third. So, safe in the knowledge that somebody wasn't going to see my bumper sticker, pull up beside and say "geez you really fucked that up didn't you?" I went into media blackout mode and resumed coverage on arrival.

Maybe it was the stress of trying to keep my dinky little car on the road while being pissed on from a great height but somehow mid-journey I'd convinced myself we were only 39 points in front, not 49. So it was a pleasant surprise to arrive and discover that we really were beyond the point where even the wackiest of scenarios could cost us victory. Much like this post, everything from here involved going through the motions. JVR got a second, Pickett finally got reward with a first, and the game ebbed to a conclusion that surely had fans scouring other channels to see what else was on. I was happy that Jayden Hunt got a goal, he spent the afternoon hitting more red and blue jumpers than his last season with us but I wish him nothing the best.

The sense of "that'll do" extended to Fox Sports, whose clock shat itself late in the quarter. Lucky we were 10 goals up, because Channel 10 style 'five minute warning' mode would have caused me to start spontaneously bleeding from the ears if scores were close. But they weren't, because we're very good and West Coast - at this time - are not. We did everything that was required, nobody was seriously hurt, or is likely to be suspended, and there's still improvement to be had. Good enough for me. 

2023 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Brodie Grundy
4 - Clayton Oliver
3 - Christian Petracca
2 - Trent Rivers
1 - Tom McDonald

Apologies to Fritsch, May, Neal-Bullen, Pickett, Viney and others in a performance where many could have pinched a vote.

Leaderboard
This was temporarily entertaining, but the greatest duo since air met water have taken over, and who's going to stop them? The action might be in the minors, Grundy has jumped Gawn into the Stynes lead, while the defender award is wide open, and for the third year in a row the Rising Star is practically uncontested. 

16 - Clayton Oliver
11 - Christian Petracca
8 - Brodie Grundy (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
7 - Jake Lever (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
5 - Max Gawn 
4 - Kade Chandler, Kysaiah Pickett
2 - Ben Brown, Steven May, Trent Rivers
1 - Lachie Hunter, Tom McDonald

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
You'd almost like to see how far the Chandler Streak can go, but in this case he's beaten into second by Petracca's play on and around the corner roost. Not sure I have the authority to give it away, but for the weekly prize Christian wins Perth Stadium. At the very least they should name a stand after him.

Season leaderboard:
1 - Kade Chandler vs Footscray
2 - Jake Melksham vs Footscray
3 - Christian Petracca vs West Coast.

Next Week
Other than the cringeworthy branding I'm not against 'Gather Round', even if there's precisely zero chance of me ever attending unless it's played in my backyard. Even then I'd probably only stay for the Melbourne game, due to having not the slightest cracker of interest in a crowded stadium full of neutrals. This isn't AFLX, I'm not going to mock the interest but am genuinely surprised by how many people are going. 

Unlike the NRL version you can't watch every game in the same stadium, only 4/9 are part of double headers and the rest are being played in pokey suburban venues with limited capacity. Good luck if you're keen, but it looks like an excuse to pay premium prices to play unusual opposition in a city you could already visit once or twice a year anyway. And a reminder, if you're gearing up for a big weekend of Code Wars with Rugby Leaguists don't forget that it wasn't their original concept either. They pinched it lock, stock and scrum feed from England, who presumably got the idea from professional cockfighting or something.

If it wasn't for kooky COVID fixtures like Gold Coast at the Sydney Showgrounds and Port Adelaide at the Gabba, playing Essendon on Adelaide Oval would look like the silliest thing you've ever seen. The only difference is that this time there should be a shitload of people there. How much of that will be fans of the competing clubs, and how much will be Port fans coming in early for the following game I don't know but consider how lucky we are to be allowed to act as fluffer for one of the home teams. A decade ago we'd have been in the North position, exiled to some outer suburban local park due to a lack of interest. Until Football Park shut we were so bad in South Australia post-2001 that they'd probably have asked us to gather outside the (08) area code.

I don't see any need for changes, even if Brown's back comes good McDonald has planted himself in that spot now, and while Laurie had 35 touches in the VFL there's no spot for him now. Jordon can have another go as sub, and let's see if this lineup is as good as it looked against injury ravaged opposition. Essendon have their own problems, including Weideman losing his chance at a revenge performance. Without him or Peter Wright, and assuming Lever's ankle knock wasn't serious, I expect Petty will stay forward for a little bit longer. I don't love it but am willing to go along with the idea if there's no obvious matchup in defence.

Against all odds, or just because I made assumptions due to not liking them, Essendon have been alright this year. Let's see how wins over Hawthorn, Gold Coast, and GWS stack up. On paper, thumping Sydney and the Bulldogs and only blowing the Brisbane game via 20 minutes of stupidity is a better form line. We'll start favourites, but I'm still not into the optimistic mindset.

IN: Nil
OUT: Nil
LUCKY: Nil
UNLUCKY: Brown, Laurie

Final thoughts
Scoff all you like at missed opportunities to demoralise teams but these are the sort of stress-free, easy but unspectacular wins that you'll think back fondly to in a few years when the wheel of history turns against us again. Cherish every win that ends without a drop of sweat from your brow in the last quarter.

Vigorous Roo-ting

For the first time since going back to shift work in 2019 a calendar error finally landed in my favour. Another game I expected to watch on TV ended up being the first of a handful I'll be able to attend in person this year. This should have been the sign to put your house on Sydney, I hadn't seen a win in person since Hawthorn in Round 7 last year. And if you had, you'd be reading this from emergency accommodation now, because for the first time since the famous 'Bruce McAvaney whacks off' game in 2010 we not only beat them at the MCG - and even that's only happened once in the meantime - but did it comfortably.

The other side of the coin for omen punters was the bird suicidally hurling itself into the path of my car on Friday morning. It wasn't a swan but near enough is good enough, especially when it made a sound like somebody had kicked a footy into the bonnet. I wasn't as concerned with positive or negative mysticism as the real-world evidence of losing to Sydney twice on our home ground last year after being in winning positions both times. 

Their opening wins over Flotsam and Jetsam didn't concern me, nor did a Hall of Fame forward now going like a Russian tank, but the pair of 2022 flops sent me into this stressed to the eyeballs. So retrospectively forgive me for holding my breath and waiting for a fiasco to break out when we were five goals up at quarter time. Also for thinking "I knew this was going to happen" when it got back to a kick the difference in the third term. Then the machine cranked up again, all was well, and we went home looking like a top side again. 

Second only to not realising we were playing on Sunday until extended teams came out, the biggest shock of the week was the top deck of the Ponsford being open. I was sure that now the home of footy has become the home of saving money they'd rope it off and force Row level four fanatics/personal space appreciators to fend for themselves. I'd like to think my digital sooking about this paid off, but more likely it was the bare minimum expected attendance they'd open it for. Facilities were in full vs Gold Coast 2013 mode, with no food and the absolute minimum of staff but unlike others we're not savages and can look after ourselves up there.

Yay atmosphere and all that shit, but this was the perfect attendance for my comfort requirements. You didn't have to go to Row MM to get an aisle to yourself, and several clear rows in front and behind me so I didn't have to listen to anyone talking shite. When I'm at home the benefits of not having to cart myself there are obvious, but when my knees were shaking with tension as we clung on to a lead in the third quarter, it reminded me why being at the ground is always the superior option.

Had we given up said lead and lost by any margin from one up you can guarantee that previous paragraph wouldn't have made the post. Probably because I'd have been unable to type due to punching a seat in frustration. I'm amazed to be living in a relative glory era, where sadly two good seasons in a row represent our best run for 60 years, but do feel slightly cheated at losing almost every time I was there in person. When we looked like falling over I was waiting for Kate Roffey herself to appear and issue me a life ban. Could have spent the rest of the year in the [DELETED ON LEGAL ADVICE] section with Glenn Bartlett.

When somebody looks at the score progression in 20 years, probably with the contents of the Pacific Ocean lapping around their ankles, it will look like we put the Swans away from the first bounce but let the historical record show that as much credit for our quarter time lead goes to the defenders as the people who kicked the goals. The start of the (temporary) post-Gawn era was ropey, allowing them to extract the ball out of the middle and go forward with ease. The bad news was that usually meant sticking it down the throat of May, Lever, Hibberd etc... Even with Petty playing some nebulous (defensive?) role in the forward line we had them covered.

So, after a few minutes of backs-to-the-wall defending it felt like a bit of swizz to get the opener. Much to the apeshit delight of Melbourne fans everywhere it was set up by the debuting van Rooyen. Even if you take out the goals, his first game was very good for a key position player. Have a look at his forward 50 tackle numbers then take a sedative. I didn't put any excess expectations on him, but by full time the frenzy was so furious that when Clayton Oliver rightfully declined a chairing for his 150th supporters were ready to jump the fence and carry JVR off instead. The man who answers the question  is still a kid but didn't do much wrong here. It was one of the better debuts I've seen in a good side. We had a few players float to the top in dreadful sides (and I think Kyle Cheney of all people is still the only man to get five votes on debut) but it's harder to look good in a quality side.   

His success here doesn't mean picking the kid in the finals last year would have generated the same result, but now that you find out Gawn was absolutely cooked by the end of the year it makes you wonder how he would have gone even without the extra pre-season. I still think that Geelong's horror start aside they'd have delivered the same pummelling to us that Brisbane got in the Prelim but beating the Lions post-sledge controversy would still have been satisfying. Also, it's not like we didn't have multiple chances to win, even with Gawn, Lever and Brown all moving like the elderly and Jackson mentally flicking through Domain.com for expensive Perth property, so there's no need to rewrite history and assume he'd have singlehandedly won us the game.

We survived letting the ball get to the top of their square straight from the centre bounce with just a point conceded but were still left defending grimly for a few minutes before getting another against the run of play. Then, after setting up the first, the man that answers the question "who is a pirate's favourite AFL player?" got one of his own after being touched up in a ruck contest and we were - against all odds - doing very well.

For a second it looked like the baton of 'wasted key forward goals' that McDonald got from Hogan was about to be passed at the first opportunity but the defence held firm to get us out of jail again. I think my paranoia about giving goals back from the middle dates to when we'd only kick five a game so each was precious. We're in a better position to waste them now, but I still don't like seeing the ball fling straight from the centre into the opposition attack. No matter how good your backline is, give them enough chances and they'll either score, or create repeat stoppages until they do.

On the topic of the greatest Melbourne defence of my lifetime, I never really cared for State of Origin (and thought it was PISS FUNNY when New South Wales beat Victoria) but finally get what they meant by "don't let the Big Vee down". You can't immediately replace Salem, but for a brake in case of emergency pre-season option the good Judd looks right at home. My favourite bit was when he took a contested mark against Franklin, and though he will no doubt end up back on the frozen tundra at Casey at some point this year we may have one for the future here.

If I was a Sydney fan I'd have forgotten their dual 2022 comebacks and tipped something over when all their wasted attacks ended in us going the other way for Spargo to pull down one of the weirdest hangers in recent memory and make it three goals to zip. It was set up by a wonderful kick from Chandler who may - say it under your breath - be doing the Spargo role better than the premiership player himself. If Round 1 was anything to go by we can have both of them and Pickett but since Chandler removed the tracksuit he's been like Clark Kent emerging from the phonebooth.

With the ball in our defensive 50 at all times other than when we were kicking goals, they finally got one via Franklin. Which was one step above what he did in the final last year, for it was worth. I thought he'd just forced through some lucky slop but on review he did well to turn in traffic and get the kick off. Now that he's 99% shot as a key forward and can't kick 50 anymore maybe he could do the biggest surprise switch in history and turn crumber? Or he could just run out a big money contract while blocking the development of a replacement.

Conceding an out-of-the-box goal like that wasn't the end of the world, but given our record in centre bounces to this point you won't be surprised to learn that they went straight from the restart to lining up a shot within about 15 seconds. Luckily their set shot kicking was putrid all day and we got away with it. Considering the battering we got at centre clearances last week, I wasn't happy with this trend. It's good if other teams can't go with us for four quarters, but that's not going to help if we lose it before then like last week.

It helps when you get a leg up from the opposition, first missing the shot that would have undone most of our hard work then giving away a 50/free goal for light 'dissent'. Apparently we're doing that again. Which we weren't until Saturday night when an umpire filed a hurt feelings report on GWS at a crucial stage of the last quarter, making other umps think "shit, now I have to pay those as well". The usual progression is the AFL assuring us that the decision was correct and how we should all respect umpires, who will collectively realise how stupid it is to give frees for light frustration and let players go troppo again. How's this crackdown going at local level? Anybody willing to cost Norland Reserves a game because somebody complained about a decision? I doubt it if they have any interest in their personal safety.

Against all logic we got to five goals without a miss. Historically this is ludicrous because a) we rarely get that many goals in a first quarter, and b) almost never convert five times without missing. This one came from Brown on the end of a golden kick from Spargo. Both of their days peaked at this moment, Charleston only had a handful more touches, and Brown disappeared with a back issue after looking about 11% fit most of the day anyway.

When Oliver made it six straight with a power running goal, a day that started with 'Melbourne losing to Sydney at the MCG, name a more iconic duo' was becoming 'Sydney and first quarter collapses at the MCG, name etc...' I didn't think they'd curl up and die after quarter time like the Grand Final but against all the logic of clearances being important we'd built a decent buffer to defend.

All positivity went straight out the window when they kicked the first two goals after the break and I considered spewing. I'm delighted with how we ran the game out, but at the time it was all internalised 'woe is me/why can't we just put a bloody side away for once/maybe I should have stayed at home on the couch covered in an old man blanket' self-indulgent misery. This ignored how we're the most ebb and flow team in the game, and after Chandler ripped a snap from his arse and Fritsch dismissed a defender the 30 point lead was back. Then they got the next two goals and it was brown undies time again.

The renewed hope of a rampage didn't last long, as we went into a brief period of disarray highlighted by Franklin (remember him?) being allowed to lead completely unchallenged into the forward pocket. I know he's only there on reputation now but after he'd been so comprehensively squished by May in our last meeting this unnecessarily risked getting his tail up. He did not, and as far as I'm concerned May's off the hook for both goals and hands down won the Shit Driving vs Suspended Driving derby. Say what you like about his off-field antics, and adjust for recency bias if you remember the glory days of Tassie Johnson, but find me a better MFC defender since and I'll take you to a fancy French restaurant.

Some blamed Brayshaw for not getting in Franklin's way, but it's hardly his job to stop a 1500 time goalkicker leading. I reserve the right to get upset by his wonky disposal many times over before worrying about what he did here. As happy as I was to see him back in defence, we are definitely entering that period of the year where I fall out of love with Gus and wonder at which point of his long term contract we'll end up paying somebody else to take him. He's not bad, I just don't know how we're going to afford everybody in a couple of years and he seems the most expendable of the long-termers. Maybe flip him to Collingwood so they can get something back for what they're contributing to Grundy's contract.

Speaking of the only fit ruckman on Collingwood's books, he might have started slowly here but by the end this was truly a Grundy Funday. The problems start when you expect him to play like Gawn, nobody's going to do that now or for many years in the future after he retires. Doing the same long kick-in to the ruckman routine that dates back to Mark Jamar doesn't suit him so I'm not upset that he didn't pull down half a dozen contested marks, but he was very good when the game needed to be won.

Approaching half time we were still wobbling when Hunter kicked a much needed steadier. In the time-honoured tradition of screwing your old side over he did his best work against the Bulldogs, and his bounce handpass special move hasn't worked since, but even if his Melbourne career doesn't end as the second coming of Robbie Flower, he's been a worthwhile addition to the system. It was also nice to see ex-wingman Double J James Jordon back, playing a game that should cement his spot for a few weeks.

Our only problem was not holding the steadier until the break, conceding late to some Next Big Thing forward who politely chose not to announce himself by kicking eight and getting the Rising Star nomination against us. It was still a 15 point lead and you're never going to turn one of them down at half time but I was still prematurely upset that we hadn't gone on with it. I'm too old for patience, I want everything now because history says things might never be this good again in my lifetime.

The third quarter was simultaneously shithouse and great. It was where the All-Australian club of Oliver, Petracca and Grundy went supernova and decided the result, but not before the Swans teased a comeback that would have given me the mental and physical shits. 

It started well, with Sydney giving away a pointless free kick/50 combo gift for Oliver's milestone game. I can't think of Ladhams without Mrs. Doyle asking Father Ted to imagine a fictional male 'standing over you with his lad in his hand', and ironically he made a dick of himself here, getting spooked by a quick handball and knocking the ball from Clayts' hand before play on was called. Naturally, when something about 13% similar happened to a Sydney player later their fans were up in arms that they didn't get a similar result. Stiff, and let me be clear about this, shit.

What temporary rot there was started with agitator Tom Papley legging it from a stoppage and smacking through a visually appealing goal on the run. Some would have baulked at his OTT celebration but I say if you don't like that then you can't appreciate the aftermath of nearly every goal of Kysaiah Pickett's career. I was more concerned about them getting another goal not long after, and on the side of two shots by Franklin which were honestly a bit sad that's what they did. 

Now the margin was back to six, we didn't look like scoring and I was starting to panic. The game was being played in a perfectly reasonable temperature but I was getting chills like we were at the Mawson Station Cricket Ground. Enter, once again, leading underdog Kade Chandler, who ran his guts out to get on the end of a mark 45 metres out on the boundary line and still had enough poise to convert the set shot. By this point he still hadn't kicked a boring goal, continuing a Blease-like streak at the start of his career, hopefully without the Blease-like ending. To think, Slamming Sam is only 32 now, if he hadn't been concussed out of the game after going to Geelong he'd have been right in their target age range now.

Further breathing space was provided by two in a row from Fritsch, and even when they did get a goal back we ruined it from the next bounce. No wonder Sydney lost heart shortly after. They had a final chance to make it interesting via the forward whose only contribution was a) having a name that rhymes with 'party', and b) missing a lot of set shots, had a ping after the siren.

If it had gone through the margin would have been under four goals and officially 'interesting. He didn't score, meaning we'd have to go through the almost unprecedented Double Stranglewank (new readers: I can't explain this, just Google the term on your work computer and surely nothing bad will happen) to lose. From available data in The Wank Files this has never happened since the phenomenon was identified. The only time we've gone from four goals up to less than a goal twice was that Round 22, 2018 game against the Eagles, and if we hadn't hung on to win there that I'd probably still be bouncing off the walls of a padded cell.

Neutrals knew it was over, Swans fans who could tear themselves away from complaining about umpires knew it was over, and deep down so did I but didn't dare to think it in case something went wrong. It had reached the "we should win, but..." stage where I spent the first few minutes of the last quarter sneaking looks at the clock to make sure enough time was being eaten up by stoppages and general play away from Sydney's end. Good thing it barely went down there, and we spent the opening minutes threatening to shut the gate. It finally landed in a locked position with Chandler's third, breaking the most famous streak since The Undertaker by finally kicking a bog standard, ordinary set shot from a sensible angle.

Another 50 metre penalty gave Rivers the chance to kick a moral sealer from 40 metres out directly in front. He missed, they went the other way and got one that kept it too interesting for my liking. But what that did was set up an even better finish, with van Rooyen continuing what I assume was the worst day of Ladhams' life by taking a tremendous contested mark over him. 

And lo, the crowd went off thy collective teet when he got another one straight after. Both set shots were beautifully taken, hit so cleanly you could picture a beautiful future together if he wasn't from WA and likely to get the bug for non-stop cross country flight around the same time West Coast and/or Freo offer him the contents of the Reserve Bank. Our counterespionage program should start next week, pointing out the pitfalls of playing in a smaller market by displaying that ludicrous back page West Australian story criticising Luke Jackson two games into his Dockers career. As well as the usual "geez, you wouldn't want to do this trip every fortnight" stuff, double down with some chat about how well Jesse Hogan looks now that he's back playing on eastern standard time and start negotiating a 10 year deal.

Dominance had already been established by now, and while I don't need to tell Melbourne fans how good it feels to pile on misery against a side that's given up, the ending was good fun. Sparrow snapped one from the pocket and went nuts in the general direction of the MCC, and Petty got reward for being in a ton of contests, before Melksham kicked one of the great novelty goals literally on the siren. He'd been so bad since coming on that I wished we had a second sub to replace him but this was great, kicking from such an obscure angle that he had to shift photographers first, and casually slotting it despite being interrupted by the siren midway. Doesn't detract from otherwise doing nada since coming on against Brisbane, but it was a nice exclamation mark on an enjoyable day.

That made it 50 points flat, and could you realistically asked for much more? I'd have driven over granny to get that margin midway through the third quarter. It's also a good sign that maybe we've learnt to play against good sides on our home ground, which has been one of our few downfalls in this glory period. Who knows if either the Dogs or Sydney will turn out to be any good by the end of the year but we've taken their best and ripped both a new one in the end so the signs are positive. But apologies to St Kilda, you don't win shit after Round 3 so we've plenty more twists and turns to go through before we find out if we're remotely within range of flag.

2023 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Clayton Oliver
4 - Christian Petracca
3 - Brodie Grundy
2 - Steven May
1 - Kade Chandler

Massive apologies to Langdon, lesser but still serious apologies to Fritsch, Jordon, Lever, McVee and van Rooyen.

Leaderboard
After a brief stint at the top for defenders and ruckman, it's back to the classics. Trying to give out votes with Oliver and Petracca playing gives me an appreciation for why the Brownlow is a midfielder only award. Here's a free idea for the AFL, cut out a couple of the 'comedy' segments and Darryl Braithwaite singing One Summer and adopt the famous 5-4-3-2-1 system. Midfielders will still win, but it gives more scope to fling a few votes to players in unfashionable positions.  

12 - Clayton Oliver
8 - Christian Petracca
7 - Jake Lever (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
5 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), 
4 - Kade Chandler, Kysaiah Pickett
3 - Brodie Grundy
2 - Ben Brown, Steven May
1 - Lachie Hunter

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
With apologies to Melksham's free hit, the award goes to Mr. Excitement Kade Chandler for the third straight week - this time for the crucial set shot late in the third quarter. Not sure I've seen a streak like this since the heyday of Jeff Garlett. Not only did his set shot in the third quarter torpedo Sydney's momentum, the pissbolt from one side to the other to get there was wonderful. I'm already out of topical weekly prizes so he can have a retrospective Rising Star nomination, issued on compassionate grounds to recognise how long he had to sit on the bench, thumb in chocbox, waiting for an opportunity that he has grabbed with both hands.

Season leaderboard:
1 - Kade Chandler vs Footscray
2 - Jake Melksham vs Footscray
3 - Kade Chandler vs Brisbane 

Crowd Watch
The usual dickheads will have something smart to say about the crowd, but if you expect more than 42,000 at a Melbourne/Sydney game in direct competition with the biggest one-day sporting event in Victoria then you're just looking to have an argument. Newsflash to people who took the brave decision to follow popular clubs from birth, bandwagon supporters might remember an affiliation with a side once they've won the flag but it doesn't automatically translate into massive crowds. I'm impressed that Collingwood can draw 60k against an interstate club, but expecting everyone to hold the same standard is like the USA lecturing random developing nations about not being rich enough.

And speaking of crowds, I'm not concerned enough with public safety to report this directly but if the MCC is reading you might want to consider the likelihood of somebody standing on the edge of this and rolling all the way to the offices of Slater and Gordon.

Given that they've had crowds double the size of Sunday already this year and nobody's gone the lucrative plummet yet maybe I'm overreacting, but I can see somebody coming around that corner holding kids, pissed as a fart, or both, landing the front of their foot on the floating bit and going down like nine pins. 

I want to know what it's covering up, don't tell me the original tactiles got damaged so they thought the best solution for a feature that's supposed to aid visually impaired people is to either trip them on the way up or make them walk the plank on the way down. When this reaches the Human Rights Commission, don't forget where you read about it first. 

Next Week
It's back to The Place Where The Good Thing Happened for a fixture where we'll be supported by every tipster except the Kiss of Death. West Coast were already no good before ending the derby without a bench, including the sub coming on and then being injured. They started the year with an anonymous side, now it'll be out George McGovern and Luke Shuey, in any fit Western Australians down to Darren Kowal and Mark Bradly. If you think this means I'm already mentally banking the points then you may be a first time reader. I accept that the great likelihood is victory, but will need to be several goals up before my central nervous system accepts that's what going to happen. I still love Jayden Hunt, but he's going to kick six isn't he?

As for changes, Pickett comes back in quicker than the hit that got him rubbed out in the first place, and please no more Melksham for anywhere from one to four quarters, but the rest is up in the air. I'd rather not take the piss out of the Eagles by trying squad rotation at this early stage, but if Brown's back is dicky there's no point flying him across the country. I'd like to float the controversial option of McSizzle as the sub. It's never been the done thing to pick a tall, but here's somebody who can play at either end or run around the ground once the other side has expired. And if JVR goes down to Second Week Syndrome he can swap in for him and we don't lose a key forward. Not knowing/caring about 90% of West Coast's list I don't know if Petty needs to go back to defence yet, which could complicate things, but otherwise I don't see any reason to force Brown to fly across the country if he could do with a rest. For an example of what can happen see a sore Gawn being carted over there for a dead rubber last year then ending the year barely able to walk. 

Otherwise there doesn't seem like anyone's booting the door in, and even if Spargo only had six touches he did one delightful squaring kick that make my liver quiver so I'm not turning on him yet. Besides, other than team balance with Pickett's return, who are you going to replace him with? Casey won comfortably, but on the strength of the Swans players listed in this report they may have the depth of a muddy puddle so who knows what to make of it. 

If you're keen on more youthful key forwards, Jefferson and Sestan kicked six between them, but that's the least of our problems at the moment. Give it a few weeks, we'll start kicking 6.6.42 and somebody will be panic rushed into the side but the time isn't right for either now. See also Tomlinson, who was reportedly very good but not required if May is upright. Otherwise I'd have had Laurie back but he only had eight touches so please continue to bide time. Blake Howes had 34 touches and 16 marks, so that's something if you can get over the other side being so anonymous that the person who kicked 50% of their goals is represented on the AFL website by a ghostly apparition rather than a profile picture.

IN: Pickett, McDonald (sub)
OUT: Brown (inj), Melksham (omit)
LUCKY: Nil
UNLUCKY: Howes

I hope this will turn out to be a 'pick whoever you like, it doesn't matter' fixture but I'll believe it when I see it. If the shoe was on the other foot, as it was so many times against the Eagles, I'd be setting the line at +100 and promising to graciously accept anything better.

Was it worth it?
Undoubtedly, even after suffering the traditional right shoulderblade injury from sitting on the train for an hour this was everything I wanted in an afternoon. I still get a pang of regret going through West Richmond station and looking at the most convenient house I ever had for sports but at some point will have to recognise that was nearly 15 years ago and now I live in the sort of outer suburban conditions that earlier in the day required me to collect a dead rat from the garden with a shovel. 

Final thoughts
This turned out to be a lot of fun, but the best bit is that we can play better. Last week was lost via the sort of 20 minutes of insanity that we've nearly eradicated from the system, and the follow-up went a long way to proving the theory that most sides can't go with us for four quarters. We get back into the top echelon of the ladder, Pickett returns, hopefully Gawn follows no more than a month later, and we beat the teams we're supposed to. If all that happens we can go on with confidence that any side in the competition is beatable, and that's probably as good a situation as you're going to find yourself in during the home and away season.

Hello darkness

Since discovering that Footscray are actually a steamy puddle of piss, last week's festival of entertainment doesn't seem so exciting. The first instinct after our follow-up flop against a better side is to evacuate baby with bathwater and reach for the Veil of Negativity but I'm not going into full misery mode yet. Just like Round 1 didn't prove we'd win the flag, Round 2 doesn't mean we won't. Sit back and wait for more evidence before curling up on the floor and crying. 

No team is immune from shit losses, but if there was any reason to relocate to a desert island until 2024 it was potential major injury to the greatest ruckman known to man. We won't appreciate Gawn's contribution until it's no longer available, and for 24 hours there was the prospect that we'd have to do that for the rest of the season. Instead, in a result that's shit but as good as we could have hoped for in the circumstances he'll only miss a quarter of it. You know the situation is grave when people are falling about in glee about at our most important player getting a 4-2-6 diagnosis.

As discussed endlessly during the Gawn era, it's not the rucking that makes him so good, but the general marauding around the ground, making trouble in both forward and defensive 50 and providing a reliable get out of jail target to kick at around the ground. Sure we've got a handy alternative, ex-All Australian ruckman who we're practically being paid to take but while Grundy might be good he's not Gawn good so I hope we've got an alternative strategy in Max's absence. And if Grundy goes down then form a prayer circle, because we then have the biggest gulf in quality ever recorded down to a pair of kid ruckmen who have played zero senior games in any competition.

It would be convenient to blame the Gawn Debacle for our overall inability to make a contest of this, but sadly the rot was clearly on from the first bounce when the midfield were vapourised. I've seen them beaten before, but Brisbane reduced them to a pile of ashes. Most sides won't be able to do the same, but I'd still like to reverse course ASAP before a long term trend emerges. So first we couldn't get the ball at the clearances, then our best player departed, the forward line couldn't get close to hopelessly optimistic long kicks, even if they brought it to ground there was nobody to crumb it, our small defenders didn't know where the opposition was most of the time, one of the key pillars of our backline had his worst game since debut, and even the generosity of Brisbane in putting about five set shots out on the full couldn't save us. It was a shit night, but the Lions would have thought the same about both games against us last year and look how that turned out in September? There's 21 more games to go, everything is probably going to be ok.

Maybe we should have thrown responsible adulthood/dignity out the window, played into the media narrative that we've got a death rivalry with Brisbane and punched on. Problem being that the way we were going nobody would have been able to catch anybody to brawl with. I don't buy it being presented as an Israel vs Palestine style rivalry based on one evening of spicy controversy. To the disappointment of Channel 7 and neutral sickos, both sides treated the occasion professionally instead of acting like dickheads in a pub. Which is good, as much as I'm into personal issues in footy, come up with something better to argue about. Zorko is not my kind of guy but he said something NQR, everything got sorted out via some "what about me?" moaning, Brisbane got their revenge in a game that mattered and normal people moved on.

The only serious physical contact in the opening quarter, and the only time our midfield got near anybody, was Viney cannoning off Oliver and through Gawn's lower leg. That was the end of Max for the night, and at the time god knows how long after. To the distress of morons like Grant Thomas (reminder: sacked after his side blew a five goal lead against us in the finals), a 31-year-old man simultaneously at the peak of his powers and approaching the end of his career, with a history of serious knee injuries, and the burden of leading a side expected to contend for the flag, went to the rooms looking sad. On Saturday morning somebody told me - with a straight face - that they didn't think he was setting a good example in the rooms, as if the other 22 players were seeing the same thing that this peanut was on TV. These people vote. 

Who knows how things would have turned out if Gawn stayed upright, but the signs were already suspect. Last time at this ground we went straight out of the middle and set the tone with a goal, this time it happened to us, and all that kept it from getting out of control early was the combination of  loose kicking into 50 and Lever getting in the way most of the time. McSizzle got a goal via their defensive blunder, but in a throwback to his early days as a forward we said thanks by letting them reply straight from the centre. Just one repeat stoppage in the middle would have been great (and, you know, if we don't let this in straight away the course of history changes so Gawn's not in the exact spot required to be crippled a few minutes later. Mind you, maybe something worse would have happened to him later in the game) but all night the ball went up, came down and exited stage left/right to Brisbane's end.

Nobody's been a bigger Tom McDonald fan than me, right down to covering for his one shot game last week by trying to claim it worked to free up Brown, but he did absolute nada after that goal. It didn't help that he was now required to act as our backup ruckman too, a job that he did well when Maximum was crocked a few years ago, but I was nervously adjusting the collar watching him here. I don't blame him for being outmarked in defence for one of their goals because he - previous career as a defender aside - shouldn't have been down there in the first place, and John Coleman would have struggled to pull down some of our bullshit forward 50 entries but he was nowhere near it. I'm sticking with him for now but he may want to consider pushing Jacob van Rooyen down the stairs this week.

That goal came as part of the rush that realistically finished us off, and while we had bad luck conceding one via the player diving into a tackle neck first that's what happens when you keep the ball inside 50. The longer it's there, and the more stoppages that you create, the more chance somebody will do something technically suspect and cause a free. This is why inside 50s are such bullshit, we were racking them up by kicking straight to defenders, while they were turning one into several chances before eventually scoring.

A four goal quarter time deficit wasn't enough to make me run up the white flag. Brisbane had given that and plenty more back in Round 1, and we've scored in bursts enough to know that it could happen again. The problem with this forward line was that Pickett was paying the recklessness tax on his couch and Melksham regrettably did chuff all as sub. It was one thing to come on when the Dogs were in disarray last week, but he had 3.5 quarters to show something here and didn't go near it. It was all part of the disappearance of the fringe, who'd done so well last week but floundered here - with the exception of Chandler who was very good again.

We didn't look any more likely to kick goals after quarter time, but at least now Brisbane weren't banging them through from every point on the compass. When Brown finally got one 10 minutes in I thought it might be the start of something big... until they cancelled it out a couple of minutes later x2. This was not good viewing, we were so flat across the board that I spent almost as much time trying to work out the order of votes as the rest of the post combined. Oliver gets in by default because nobody else was any good, but while he broke the tag in the second half and got a lot of possessions he was barely seen when the game was in the balance. And the less said about his putrid inside 50 kicks the better. Put 'metres gained' in a bag with inside 50s and throw them both into the sea. Calculate the metres from effective disposals only or don't bother. He is a great man but this was not his finest evening - which makes the votes even more ridiculous so keep this is mind if the Jakovich ends in a thrilling finish.

Fritsch's goal right on half time brought the margin back to 20, and even if it felt like we should have been twice as far behind you never knew. Then, after patiently sitting through the break you found out that you really did know when they went back to kicking novelty goals from close range. From there the game was well and truly over, and while we pulled off a couple of lovely looking end-to-end goals there was no follow-up and Brisbane soon went back to doing as they liked.

The ultimate insult was Joe Daniher taking advantage of Steven May's late absence to bang through four goals before three quarter time. Usually he kicks 1.5 against us but this time he could have applied a blindfold and booted it over his head from over the fence and they'd have gone through. It was that kind of night, and as if Harrison Petty wasn't having a rotten enough night he was seen hobbling off with an injury before the last change as well. He came back, much to the regret of the "boo feelings" manly men in the crowd, but while he usually steps straight into May's role and does well this was not his best night. But it wasn't anyones, so let's just get one with our lives. Daniher started missing again in the last quarter, but that was no help to us six goals down and not even the remotest chance of launching a Miracle on Grass comeback. 

As far as losses at the Gabba go, this wasn't as bad as the one that made Glenn Bartlett crack the shits (not without some justification it should be said) and set off the chain of events that lead to flag first, lawsuit second. This time the opposition was different, there were more than 323 people present, the light tower was flammable, and there was a belated fruitless comeback. The only other similarity to Round 9, 2020 was commentators talking absolute BOLLOCKS. There's never been an audio demonstration of junk time like Brian Taylor trying to wrap a two part birthday shoutout to Ron Barassi around Matthew Richardson's random fun fact about Shaun Grigg's Grand Final hitout with neither acknowleding what the other was saying. No wonder the power gave up, it was probably offended at being used to broadcast this shite.

Then, just as I'd had enough the Gabba lights joined in. With a power surge that made the TV screen look like the ground had just suffered a direct strike from a nuclear missile the future home of the Olympics was plunged into darkness. It wasn't all bad news, Brian Taylor's microphone stopped working too. Shame he didn't get an ECT style jolt and come back as a functional commentator.

I was already pushing it watching this while having to get up ridiculously early (including a 20 minute later start because Queenslanders think daylight savings kills cows), and knowing from the experience of the 2020 Melbourne/West Coast lightning incident that the result stands after half time if no further play is possible I literally said "fuck this shit" and went to bed. Unless there was going to be civil disorder I didn't see any reason to wait up to 60 minutes just to watch us lose anyway, so you'll appreciate how surprised I was to wake up a few hours later, check the score and discover we'd 'only' lost by 11. 

It's easy to scoff at this now but I'd have been balls deep invested in the comeback at the time, so it's better not to have been teased. The benefit will come when our fate at the end of the year is decided by 1% again, but until then I'll just wonder why this effort was a couple of hours earlier. As I'd rather watch the Mrs. Brown's Boys box set than review anything pre or post-blackout I'll just assume Brisbane lost interest, and let us get a bit too close for comfort but were never in any serious danger. It's more likely each goal would have made me increasingly more angry until it ruined the whole weekend. Now I can move on to next Saturday with my bundle undropped and hope this was an anomaly. 

2023 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Jake Lever
4 - Clayton Oliver
3 - Kade Chandler
2 - Ben Brown
1 - Lachie Hunter

Apologies to Fritsch, even though I wouldn't have given anything below Lever if the format allowed it.

Leaderboard
7 - Jake Lever (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
5 - Max Gawn (LEADER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year), Clayton Oliver
4 - Kysaiah Pickett
3 - Kade Chandler, Christian Petracca
2 - Ben Brown
1 - Lachie Hunter

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
The integrity of this award never reached any great heights, but I'm glad to have accidentally stumbled upon Chandler's post-blackout goal at the end via the MFC Twitter account. Ben Brown's rolling goal would have been a worthy winner, but for the weekly prize Chandler wins the Sam Blease Award for kicking a bunch (well, two...) of exciting goals at the start of his career.

Season leaderboard:
1 - Kade Chandler vs Footscray
2 - Jake Melksham vs Footscray
3 - Kade Chandler vs Brisbane 

Next Week
(Update from the future - I can't read a calendar properly and thought the game was on Saturday so I did end up going. False information kept for the historical record.)
Given that we've lost my last four live games it's probably better that I can't go. I thought I could, then found out just before publishing that a scheduling conflict had stitched me up. May as well hand my membership in at this stage. Regardless of Sydney beating us in finals, playing (in body if not spirit) the Grand Final, and starting this season well, I think this is still a toss-up. I'm hoping that if we lose it won't be in such a fashion that I'm the last person standing refusing to get upset and try to sack everyone.

Forget the weekend, all the action is at the selection table. Obviously if May is fit (and I choose to believe that if they flew him to Queensland he was close enough) he's in so fast it could have your eye out. Tomlinson hasn't done badly but the only hope of keeping his spot is that Petty's hamstring explodes in the dead of night. I'm into Disco Turner but not until a few weeks warm-up in the seconds. On a related note, nobody has lined up in their assigned position since 1994 but I see Joel Smith was shown as a forward at Casey. At this rate, he may end using his DNA assisted leaping ability to ruck.

I know re-recruiting The Spencil is a running joke on here, but even if he's well beyond it maybe we should have parked A.N Experienced Ruck on the rookie list just in case. Now we've got Grundy, and a Grand Canyon-style gulf in experience to project players so far off it that they're not even playing VFL yet. Verrall hasn't played beyond the SANFL Under 19s and Farris-White may not previously have kicked a footy since he was 12 for all I know, neither will play anytime soon. That leaves us with McDonald, who I remember doing an admirable job replacing Gawn in 2017 but didn't look anywhere near it here and has a foot that may fall off at any time. Otherwise, it's Brown and no thanks to that anywhere outside the forward 50 so why bother, just pick somebody else and find an alternative avenue beyond the big boot.

IN: Hibberd, Jordon, Laurie, May
OUT: Gawn (inj), Harmes, Melksham, Tomlinson (omit)
LUCKY: McDonald
UNLUCKY: van Rooyen

Final thoughts
Get the slopfests and major injuries out of the way now, finish the year at a million miles an hour.

Are you not entertained?

The moment the fixture arrived I was filled with panic about Round 1. In the dark times you weren't concerned about such things, you'd usually expect to lose so there wasn't much to be worried about. Even against sides at our level you knew that win, lose or draw the season wasn't going anywhere anyway so it didn't really matter what happened. Not anymore. 

This year I felt the weight of expectation like never before, and it destroyed my enjoyment of the build-up to the season. In the last week people who'd previously identified me as a footy nuffy (correction: MFC nuffy, AFL interested observer) kept asking if I was excited, and were almost offended when I said "no, I'm scared". I don't think it how you're supposed to do it.

We're in such a good position (September 2022 physical collapse notwithstanding) that it's hard to comprehend only entering Round 1 off the back of a finals season twice in 15 years. In 2019 the 'difficult' off-season meant nobody was really surprised when it went teet up, and last year the build-up to unfurling of flag kept the fervour up all summer. Now we're not defending premiers, but are a popular tip to be one in 12 months and that left me in emotional disarray. I was only half joking saying we should have resigned from the league after the premiership so nobody could ever beat us again. After a taste of the good life I can't handle the idea of being disappointed again.

As much as coming from behind to tonk a top eight side doesn't guarantee a thing for the future, it was much appreciated by those of us with a nervous disposition. Having done my maddest "be there unless you're dead" support at the club's lowest ebb I'm still just happy we're not going to endless the season winless. Come back and see how that's holding up if we finish 1-22.

So, as you can see I really needed this. Not enough to crowbar a trip to the MCG into my ludicrous semi-rural schedule. The way it's going I'll be lucky to see five games in person this year so I've come to terms with watching at home, even in this case via a shitbox laptop that couldn't adequately connect to a wi-fi point three metres away, leaving the footage scrolling between standard, low and no definition. At one point in the second quarter it was like watching International Soccer on the Commodore 64, but I just don't have the time, energy, or commitment left to be there every week. I'd love to, and feel guilty that I'm not. Long term readers will remember that my last shift work career ended just in time for the 2007 season, so no doubt my next full time return will also coincide with another Great Deepression.

For now, sit back and enjoy the show whether you're watching at the ground, home, or while being held hostage by militants in the Sahara Desert. If things continue on this trajectory a lot of sides will hang with us for half a game before falling away - and along the way somebody is going to get wrecked. I can't ever see us kicking a massive score, but a 140-10 style porking must be on the cards somewhere in 2023. 

It won't be much consolation to Dogs fans but this continued the series of games between the sides with insane momentum shifts. Given that the AFL draw is a total rort anyway I can't understand why we don't play them again. I know the league has to make room for us to go to Kardinia Park every bloody year, but another match between sides with an exciting recent history and a hint of animosity (even before we started swapping players like footy cards and Pickett belted somebody) would be much more interesting than rematches against Carlton or Richmond. At least this way Footscray can't get end of season revenge without making finals first. Which they very well could do, I didn't think they played too badly here, we were just better for a lot longer.

We've had the better of the free trade agreement between the sides. They got Mitch Hannan, who hasn't done anything since the 2021 Preliminary Final, and Oskar Baker who was never more than a peripheral figure with us, while we've come up with two of their Grand Final team. And I bet both Lachie Hunter and Josh Schache just love sharing memories of that night with their new teammates. Other than the usual footy fan pantomime I don't know why Hunter needed booing but thought the retaliatory booing towards Baker dragged us down to the level of West Coast fans.

If you were capable of looking behind general opening round tension, we had soap opera style plots coming out the yin yang. The long awaited pairing of Grundy and Gawn, Hunter vs his old side, a defence without its lynchpin, a forward line without its top goalkicker, midfield Pickett, and a pair of debutantes. By 10:30pm most of the storylines had been resolved in the affirmative - neither Grundy or Hunter had their best games but formed vital parts of the machine, the backline held up against Footscray's cavalcade of talls, we spread goals widely enough to cover the absence of Fritsch, Pickett found a way to excel both midfield and forward, and the first gamer who was in a position to do the most damage played like he'd been at it for years. Tick, tick, tick etc...

Independent observers might have thought everything was coming up red and blue when we dominated the first 10 minutes, but we saw a start like this go south so often in 2022 that fanatical viewers knew to stay at DEFCON 1. This despite a delightful first goal where Kade Chandler took advantage of being freed from substitution duties for the first time in two years to put the loveliest of all passes on Pickett. 

Obviously Channel 7's Chandler fun fact was that he'd been sub four times last year because they kept mentioning it, but I forgot that he came on the ground every time last year. I've got him permanently stereotyped by his 2021 Tracksuit Time period, and after finally getting a few quarters in a row dating back to the practice games I was very happy to see him do well here. He flubbed a couple of gettable-to-piss easy set shots but was otherwise completely at home. Excellent forward pressure, good disposal and should easily hold his spot. It would be nice for him to get some reward when any number of dud teams might have been happy to get him under the 'recruit fringe players from good sides' rule and guarantee a weekly game.

Speaking of guarantees, I'm glad we're beyond whatever contractual shenanigans/coincidence that landed Brayshaw back in the midfield last year. You wouldn't have him kick for your life but he's good for interceptions and general collection of ball at ground level, and I think we've got enough other players to go through the middle that he's not needed there as anything more than a surprise option.

When the Chandler Goal Assist Machine activated again to set up Gawn absolutely everything was going our way. Their forward line was obviously meant to stretch us, but you've got to get the ball down there effectively in the first place and they were left doing hit and hope bombs that we mopped up with the greatest of ease. Naughton beat Petty in a couple of contests but the rest of them did next to nothing, and the whole operation fell apart when one had to be sent to defence to cover the injured Liam Jones. 

The last we saw of Jones he was doing a neck from watching so many goals go over his head at Carlton and he went down with more neck related issues here. First it looked like a leg complaint, then something to do with an arm. Insert COVID vaccine jokes in the space provided. At this stage of life I couldn't care less if he got the jab or not but am mortally offended at the idea of anybody leaving a million dollars on the table for ideological reasons. For that amount I'd take an experimental cocktail of drugs sourced from the glands of a poisonous Russian ferret ("there's an idea" - Essendon), and maybe this was the universe's way of saying he should have just rorted a vaccine certificate off the internet like everyone else.

In Jones' absence, much of the defensive burden fell on conversion job Josh Bruce, forced into defence because the Dogs have recruited so many forwards. By the end they were probably scrambling to find a receipt for Rory Lobb so there might be life in him yet. Here's an argument for in-season trading, there must be a shit team somewhere that needs a key forward and could save him from ending his career in this undignified fashion. At one point when he was on Ben Brown we got the historical curiosity of the two most recent players to kick 10 in a game playing on each other. Surely this hasn't gone near happening since Stephen Silvagni randomly plundered Fitzroy in 1993 before going back into defence.  

We were moving the ball and escaping defence so well that the only way the Dogs were going to get a goal was from a defensive blunder. Enter Adam Tomlinson (who should not be held to Steven May's standard because who's ever going to reach that?) and a short kick that didn't clear the defender turned into their opener. Now, for the first time, we were on the back foot and all that early dominance was turned into a Bulldog lead not long after. New year, same concerns about not being able to go on with a start. For now I was back to contemplating how miserable I'd be in the event of a loss.

It doesn't matter when you've won by lots, but at the time I was in an undeservedly bad mood. It goes to show that no matter how much I struggle to get going for a season, I'll never stop the wild mood swings from watching this side - flag or no flag. Life must be a lot easier when you go for a team but ultimately don't care what happens.

We got back in front via Sparrow towards quarter time, but were aided by some rank goalkicking at the other end. That's gimmick infringement, we're usually the ones spraying shots from every point on the compass. Regardless of only being in front due to peg leg kicking, I was satisfied by the break that even if we didn't win here, it would just be a blip on the radar. This didn't factor in upcoming games against good sides, or the near certainty of Sam Weideman kicking seven against us a few weeks later, but when has there ever been anything rational about following footy?

This good mood lasted about 90 seconds into the second quarter when the Dogs thumped through a long goal and I instantly went back to wishing I could still watch TV with my head in the oven. Speaking of thumping, it was about this point where Kysaiah Pickett livened things up by doing this: 

Kysaiah Pickett was placed on report midway through the second quarter for this incident.#AFLDeesDogs pic.twitter.com/wzzMINxvHw

— AFL (@AFL) March 18, 2023

The phrase "you don't see that every day" is overused, but this had to qualify. Ironically, the man on page five of the 2023 Tribunal Guidelines went home with a two week holiday. We're not even bothering to challenge, probably having pored over the Zapruder film all weekend to try and find an angle where it doesn't collect the head before realising there's no defence by modern standards. Even a few years ago you'd have got away with it because the victim bounced to his feet and played on - not even upset enough to join the post bump jostle - but the week the AFL got sued by repeat concussion victims wasn't the time to introduce human cannonball to the competition. 

He'll pay the recklessness tax, and all the muppets trying to get him four or five weeks can calm down with the manufactured outrage. The good news is that he got away with punching Jack Macrae square in the chops during the aftermath.

In the biggest upset since Melbourne/Essendon 2013, this assassination attempt has not (at the time of writing) led to race hate controversy from some ill-bred humanoid. This is undoubtedly a good thing. I guess these days people get more upset about not landing multis than players nearly getting a dose of instant CTE.

If we'd been the one to lose by 50 from there somebody (David King) would have mournfully gone on about Pickett "regaining the trust of his teammates". Instead the Dogs botched a few excellent chances, the sides split the next two goals, then Pickett went back to wrecking them for the rest of the night - fortunately at ground level rather than diagonally. 

At quarter time I'd been darkly muttering about not putting sides away when given the chance, but Footscray's woeful goalkicking came back to fatally haunt them. From the 20 minute mark we went boonta Grand Final style, lobbing through five in a row before the siren to take control. The obvious favourite was Pickett getting a free kick so administrative that even he wasn't sure if it was for or against him. If the same thing happened to us I'd have contemplated murder, but that's why you want league leading agitators on your side not against you.

Now we were a little over three goals up, Lachie Hunter was probably huffing oxygen to stop the flashbacks to 25/09/2021, and Footscray looked rattled. To our credit we did go on to wallop them, but for the sake of my blood pressure it could have happened a bit quicker than it did. They got two of the first three goals after the break - as well as Naughton being denied a goal that could very well have gone through if anybody bothered to review it - and I was packing it over another big shift in the game. 

In a flashback to last year, our tall forwards didn't look particularly terrifying but like the backline they worked so well as a unit that it didn't matter. Sure McDonald didn't have a shot until after the siren (another Grand Final flashback - this time he didn't have a human pyramid forming next door and missed) but does anyone think Brown kicks four without McSizzle taking some of the focus?  At one point Brown thought he was early era McDonald, taking back-to-back intercept marks in defence. Both Gawn and Grundy wandered through the forward 50 to do damage throughout the night, so even if Maximum's around-the-ground game was 10 times better Brodie did his bit. His career won't last as long as Luke Jackson's but he can contribute right now while we're in the (incoming cliche alert) window.

We finally broke them with 1/3 genius, 2/3 luck - Oliver responding to their goal by hurling out of the centre like a missile was the genius part, but the rest was fortune. The ball bounced over everyone inside 50, where Brown ran onto it and briefly got tangled in a flurry of flailing limbs before kicking through the open goal. Footscray got the next, but we responded next to straight away again. Finally, after four years of mainly sitting around being forced to do nothing, it was finally time for Kade Chandler to shrug off his tracksuit and pre-season specialist tags and kick an AFL goal. 

And what a lovely goal it was too, turning a defender inside out first before snapping from the pocket. It was not only reward for years of being treated with contempt at selection, but for making the most of his opportunity on this night. His forward pressure was good, he linked up well with teammates, and had kicked a sitter on the three quarter time siren he may have even been in the mix for votes. That miss left us just under five goals up and the faintest possibility of falling over. Based on pre-season, last year, and most previous meetings against the Dogs this was unlikely but you couldn't rule it out.

Like certain other games against them where we'd put on a burst of goals I needed a steadier at the start of the last quarter to know everything was going to be alright. Enter Jake Melksham, freed from substitute duties to finish off an end-to-end move so erotic it should have been restricted to fans 18+.

It's against the spirit of the game to present this in portrait rather than landscape, but it deserves to be seen regardless:

End-to-end goodness. 🥰

🎥 | via @AFL#DemonSpirit | #AFLDeesDogs pic.twitter.com/81cKv1ic91

— Melbourne Demons (@melbournefc) March 18, 2023

Just in case that NQR flange Elon Musk turns Twitter off and we lose all the embeds of great moments, let the record show that it involved Gawn spoiling, Oliver gathering from mid-air in traffic, and unlocking the vault with a delightful handball to Pickett and thumping a tremendous kick to Melksham, who skidded it through from outside 50. From it hitting Gawn's hand in the back pocket to crossing the line was the best 15 seconds I've had so far in 2023. Melk hasn't had that much fun in a short form of the game since dominating AFLX. The commentators weren't ready for him, we were told he was "preparing to come on" early in the last quarter, about 90 seconds after he'd run past the camera, and even when he was kicking the goal the not-that-one Al Nicholson thought it was Harmes.

It was nice to see the sub get involved so early, we used it so infrequently the last couple of years I think the only time it had any impact was Chandler murdering that West Coast player in a tackle. Sadly I've got to admit I've come to terms with this new version. A decade ago I was ready to set myself on fire in protest about subs, but after two seasons of players sitting on the bench for four quarters waiting for a teammate to be injured, the return of ad hoc changes felt like a good thing. In the absence of a deflating Round 1 loss that's my excuse to use this image:

It helps that this time the sub is an extra player, rather than the 2011 method where they just made an interchangist wear a green vest as if we wouldn't notice them illegally sneaking on. 

That was very much it, and after a consolation goal we went back to kicking the piss out of them. Even when Petracca failed in an a slapstick attempt to toepoke a goal through from the square nobody cared because the game was long dead. We'd done everything required, nobody got injured, and while I could have done without Mr. Electricity getting himself rubbed out via excess enthusiasm it was hard to fault anything. Does it translate to even better teams? No idea. I don't even know if it translates to Round 3 at this point, but it was the start I needed to avoid keeling over dead from stress.  

2023 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Kysaiah Pickett
3 - Christian Petracca
2 - Jake Lever
1 - Clayton Oliver

Apologies to Bowey, Brayshaw, Brown, Chandler, Hunter, and McVee.

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
Apologies to the coast-to-coast masterclass at the end, but I can't go beyond the romantic notions of Chandler's first. For the weekly prize he wins a commemorative golden tracksuit, in the same way Brazil got to keep the World Cup after winning three times.

He's had to wait a while but Kade Chandler finally gets his first AFL goal 🙌#AFLDeesDogs pic.twitter.com/xYy62M14VK

— AFL (@AFL) March 18, 2023

Season leaderboard:
1 - Kade Chandler vs Footscray
2 - Jake Melksham vs Footscray
3 - Ben Brown Q4 vs Footscray 

Media Watch (incorporating Press Conference Punch On Watch)
I was hoping we'd get a repeat of Stressed Bevo nearly garotting a journalist at the press conference but had no time to stay around and find out. I'll just wait for anybody who angered him to have their personal scandals exposed in the next few days. I'll be nice in case the dirt unit starts digging through my archives. 

Next Week
It's Friday night against our old friends Brisbane, fresh from shattering like a fine Chinese vase under the lightest of pressure from Port Adelaide. Based on this you like to think it'll go more like Round 23 than the Semi Final but beware teams on the rebound. The difference is this time we won't be at the tail end of the season with half the squad ready to keel over and die from exhaustion.

Those who remember the glory years of picking through the lower reaches of the list to try and find 22 competent players each week will appreciate that now we've got too many players to fit in the side. 10 years ago you'd have pushed your grandmother down the stairs to get all of Fritsch, May, Salem and Viney in the side the moment they were fit but now it's not so obvious. 

May for Tomlinson (with apologies) goes with saying, and you've got to get Fritsch into the forward line somewhere but I'm not as concerned about the other two. Salem is 141 games ahead of McVee but no point jamming him into the side without practice games, and Viney's becoming so iconic for injuries below the knee that I'm prepared to be conservative with him. Give it another week and then rotate Sparrow out to make room. Melksham did enough to retain the coveted position of substitute, until Pickett got rubbed out. May as well just play him from the start now.

I never expect to win, but given our recent record against Brisbane everywhere other than the MCG I'm confident we can give their death spiral down the ladder a helping hand. Watch for their socially aware, politically correct fans to heckle Harrison Petty for once publicly having feelings. And for the love of all that is holy, Jake Lever please just hand the bloody ball back if there's a free in the dying moments of a thriller.

IN: Fritsch, May, Melksham
OUT: Pickett (susp), Laurie, Tomlinson (omit)
LUCKY: Harmes
UNLUCKY: Melksham, Salem, Viney

Final thoughts
This was very good, and puts me in a much better frame of mind for the rest of the season but nothing serious has ever been won in the opening round. I'm certainly comfortable that unless the entire list catches creeping cruds we'll be right in the mix at the end, and in mid-March what more can you ask for? 

Good enough for government work

Here endeth another pre-season. They're not what they used to be. When I was a kid clubs could end up playing half a dozen games before Round 1, and unless they took place in the Fosters Cup you wouldn't know dick about what happened in them other than a score and goalkickers if lucky. Now everything's broadcast live and at halfway through the last quarter on Friday I started pining for the simple days when you didn't feel roped in to watching games just because they were on.

Until then it was as good a practice match performance as you'd like, and in the strongest possible keeping of feet on the ground in pre-season I'm not sure that only an outbreak of the Black Death can stop us from playing finals. This might not seem like the appropriate reaction to tonking an almost full-strength Richmond but let's start with the absolute minimum and ramp it up as the season progresses.

Nothing says "don't get overly invested" like players going around with entire bottles of sunscreen on their face. Leader of the Slip Slop Slap brigade was Christian Petracca, who turned up looking like Beetlejuice. Fortunately he still played like Petracca, going about his business as if the other side weren't there. And for much of this game they weren't, but knowing him it probably wouldn't have made a difference anyway.

Kicking five unanswered goals in the first quarter was fun, but arguably not as good as the pillow-over-the-face defensive strangulation we were putting on at the other end. Every time they tried going forward we either had somebody in the way to intercept, or they never got inside 50 in the first place due to a wall of players ahead of them. Of all the elements that sunk our premiership defence the actual defence was not one of them, so no need to excessively tinker with a winning formula there. Our trouble usually comes when ball hits ground but that was no problem either. Who knows when Salem will come back from his mystery illness, but I would like Jake Bowey to become a permanent fixture in my life.

If we replicate this sort of defensive demolition against Richmond in a few weeks, SEN will need extra phone lines to handle 'sack the coach' calls. And this was against two triple premiership winners and next big thing contender Cumberland Sausage. I love this shit, but the pinging the ball down the other end at the greatest of ease has the potential to take our game to zany new levels.

Richmond can take some of the credit for the all star defensive smackdown. I don't blame them for playing with their first choice forward line as preparation for games against the other 16 clubs, but trying to play three key forwards against us is nigh on suicidal. They're still good enough to have finished with a reasonable score despite being thrashed, but if a really shit team tries that against us they might go home with 1.3.9. I maintain that you'd be better dropping all the talls, picking a bunch of crumbers and rolling the thing in at ankle level 20 metres out.

If you believe pre-season performances are a window to the future (see Oliver 2016, Petracca 2020), the Gawn and Grundy plan might come off. Ok, they were often tormenting the piss out of a hapless rookie defender but whether forward, middle or back, they were a delight from one end of the ground to the other. Fat chance they'll kick six combined again but the carnage caused by their mere presence inside 50 was a great compliment to dominance around the ground. 

The question of whether you can take Maximum seriously as a forward was answered 'yes' and 'maybe' at the same time when he took a tremendous leading mark in the opening minutes. He missed the kick, much to the delight of commentators who still can't help discussing his goalkicking record all these years later, but still finished with three so stick that up your punditry jumper. It wasn't just goals, he'd randomly show up in all parts of the ground causing trouble. I feel for him the same way 12th Man version Bill Lawry felt about Merv Hughes.

I stick by the ladder prediction from last week that Richmond is a lot better off than St Kilda, but other than not letting in a vaudeville goal in the first 20 seconds the opening of the two games couldn't have been more similiar. We had all the play, their attacks were basically an invitation for the ball to fling back the other way at the speed of sound, and everything was going well except the conversion of chances into goals. This time we avoided comical concession, and instead got the first via Spargo copping the lightest of touches into his back in the last 1% of a tackle. That's how you improve scoring, hire a fourth umpire and get them to pick out the most administrative shit possible 20 metres from goal.

Even without ropey frees it was all going very nicely indeed, with ball movement sharp enough to have somebody's eye out. The year will ebb and flow, and there will be times where everything looks bleak but I'm absolutely certain that we'll dead set ROOT some of the worst teams in the competition. We've had more from this team in the last few seasons than ever expected, but the only thing missing has been outright disdain for the feelings of others. Now I'm convinced that at least one bottom four team will turn up to play us with hope in their hearts before going home in the back of an ambulance.

In another outbreak of Ruckman Forward Fever, Gawn got another after falling over in the marking contest then bouncing up to get on the end of a Chandler handball in the square. Kade was lively without hitting the heights of his 2022 pre-season campaign, but the good news is that even if he never gets beyond 23rd best on our list the unrestricted sub has been reintroduced so he'll never again have to spend four quarters in Tracksuit Time purgatory. I doubt he survives the return of Fritsch, but we do have a bit of a crumb hole due to Midfield Pickett so he's a chance of getting a decent run in the seniors for the first time ever.

Even without Fritsch, the forward line looks solid. Neither McDonald or Brown appear likely to kick the ton, but in a rare correct application of Moneyball principles to footy, if we've got roughly 300 goals to share for the season then who gives the fattest rat's clacker if one guy kicks 33% of them or they're shared around. The more options the less likely opponents will know exactly where the ball is going the moment it comes off the boot. For an example of how that works dig out your tapes of 2020, when we ruined Sam Weideman's career by playing him one out in the most predictable forward line ever to step on grass.

Forget goals, the most notable part of the first quarter was Dwayne Russell finally apologising to viewers. It wasn't for previous crimes, but for doing an 'In Harmes Way' gag. I'd argue it wasn't in the top 2000 silliest things he's ever said, including comparing Grundy and Gawn to Magic Johnson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on the basis that they were all tall teammates. Dwayne was responsible for the biggest commentary upset in history, refusing to fall for Nick Dal Santo's provocative attempts to draw a sook about 6-6-6 warnings. I believe he's the first commentator since the rule was introduced not to agree with the suggestion that there should be an instant free. Good for him. I can guarantee that Gerard Healy would have disagreed, but he must have already gone for a quarter time milkshake by this point so was unable to bring the mood down with sour comments.

Despite suspiciously forced comments about discussing something "on the way home", suspicions that they were calling remotely spiked when the second quarter opened with a Richmond player doing his shoulder in the corner of the screen and nobody mentioned it for minutes. Surely if you're looking at the ground you notice out of the corner of your eye that somebody's hunched over in pain. I guess they could have driven home together from Fox Footy's office too. Surely the boundary rider, who was confirmed to be at the ground, can break in with special comments when she sees something and not wait until called on to speak.

Meanwhile, if you can't wait for Dermott Brereton to make horrendously outdated references to the 1980s, get ready to go back a decade when the Richmond draftee named after Steely Dan gets going. If Tom Lynch was any sort of teammate he'd have given his number up to facilitate Hey Nineteen gags. Dwayne also promised that we'd get sick of hearing about how Steely had been struck by lightning, then 30 minutes later did the lightning story as it was a brand new fun fact. 

The ruckman goal rush got an assist at the start of the quarter when an administrative 50 set up Grundy. Richmond didn't get on the board until Dustin Martin did about 19 tugs on McVee's jumper (and I'm reasonably confident that this was the first game where a Judd took on a Judson) before beating him a marking contest. It probably wouldn't have made any difference to his chances of taking the grab so in the spirit of whinging about soft frees I wasn't going to get upset. Helped that it was a scratch match and we were six goals in front at the time.

It's no good for James Jordon, now furiously browsing the Casey fixture, but Lachie Hunter was very good again. It's no knock on JJ, or Brayshaw before him, but now the ball can go down either wing and you're confident we're getting the best possible service. Who knows where his Melbourne career goes from here but at the moment Hunter looks like the biggest trade theft since Jeff Garlett. The difference is he's coming into a side that's neck deep in contention, whereas Garlett did good service at the right price in a team that was mostly shite.

My flimsy commitment to the contest was further exposed when Kayo crashed as I was a couple of minutes delayed, and when the site reloaded I didn't even bother to try and scroll back to where the coverage was when it died. It meant missing their second goal, but coming back just in time for more end-to-end gold, finished by Neal-Bullen. It was so easy that you secretly wondered if Richmond had the pre-season handbrake on Paul Roos style. If I tune in to see Carlton romping from one end to the other unchallenged it will confirm that this was just us being shit hot rather than a deep state conspiracy to lull us into a false sense of security.

Even before half time things were starting to get silly. In the most pre-season incident of all time Spargo had a shot instead of passing to Gawn, a defender shoved Chandler square in the back a metre from goal, and instead of wasting time lining him up for a free they just paid the goal despite Spargo's shot  blatantly clanging into the post. There are claims that the cameras missed Chandler being awarded the free and rolling it through from close range but the Disputed Goals Panel is having none of it, crediting the goal to Charleston. In a real game we'd have got to sit through 30 seconds of ads and a sponsor logo just for the ball to be handed to Chandler at point blank range anyway.

I know you don't come on here expecting top level analysis but at this stage I'm legally bound to admit that the second half passed me by in the same way a Gold Coast vs Port game would. I watched it all but can't for the life of me remember most of what happened and don't have the life force to go back and watch it again to find out. At one point Oliver burst out of the centre, ran around two players and tried to kick the all time greatest pre-season goal, and there was the merest hint of a comeback at one point, but Richmond didn't care enough and we were playing too well to concede at the required rate.

It seems impolite not to give more coverage to a game that we ended with a six goal quarter, but by halfway through the third all the real work had been done and it was a case of getting everyone to the finish line in one piece. Once we got to the end with everyone upright then you could afford to enjoy the clobbering for what it was but I remember yelling "What the fuck is he still doing out there?" at Gawn being involved in the last few minutes, with scant regard to the presence of children.

The moment the siren went I turned off and went into full blown pre-Round 1 panic mode. We've had two solid wins but they mean stuff all now. Everything's pointing in the right direction but I need to see it in the real world before knowing that everything's going to be ok. 

Paul Prymke Plate for Pre-Season Performance
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Steven May
3 - Christian Petracca
2 - Clayton Oliver
1 - Jake Bowey

Apologies to nigh on everyone. Especially Grundy, Hunter, Lever, Neal-Bullen and Spargo.

Final results
8 - Christian Petracca
7 - Max Gawn
4 - Steven May, Clayton Oliver
3 - Lachie Hunter
2 - Clayton Oliver
1 - Jake Bowey, Judd McVee

Next Week (+1)
For all the optimism about this season we've got a kent of an early draw. Beat Footscray, Brisbane and Sydney and we'll swashbuckle through the next 19 games before going out in straight sets. Lose one no (?) drama, lose two and don't worry there's enough of shit teams to rack up the required wins, lose three and even if you still deep down know things are going to be ok brace for the media and panicky idiots to turn harder than Lewis Hamilton.

How about we avoid all that unpleasantness by just beating the Dogs in the opener? This time there's no thrilling pre-match flag reveal, and it's not on Wednesday night but otherwise it's hard to see anything drastically different from last year other than one of them being on our wing. They've got plenty of good players and beat us last start, but I'm not going to lose sleep over Liam Jones unless the COVID vaccine goes haywire midway through the first quarter and he's the only fit player left. And at the risk of karmically helping him to eight goals, if Rory Lobb is the answer to your forward line then get a new question.

I like to think pre-season hasn't led us into a trap and that we'll win reasonably comfortably in the end. I'll bet it's not without some drama in the middle though. Why not warm up by watching the 2021 Grand Final?

Final Thoughts
Let the madness begin. If I'm lucky I'll get to see about four games live but coverage on here will continue at reduced speed. If you don't see a match review or the time-honoured technical difficulties post by the next morning check back that night, then the next morning, and so on until it becomes clear that I've quietly decided to retire somewhere in the middle of the season.