Despite what Anthony Hudson would have you believe, the sequel is rarely as good as the original. For this reason, I set my expectations for the rematch of our best performance of the season to 'Medium', but when the margin was 96 points halfway through the third quarter, it looked like Godfather II + Lethal Weapon 2 ^ Rocky IV.
Then, just when you thought it was safe to be happy, the game became a multiplier of every Police Academy movie from Citizens On Patrol onward, as we went uncomfortably close to putting five goals on top of the all-time greatest VFL/AFL collapse, then recovered to win by a margin you'd have wounded yourself to get a slice of before the first bounce.
This was comfortably one of the stupidest games I've ever seen. It wasn't as important as the 2002 Adelaide final or the 2021 Kardinia Park komeback, and lacked the horrific finishes of Essendon '92/St Kilda '25, but pound-for-pound there's never been a more ridiculous score progression in a Melbourne game than being 111-15 ahead at the 13 minute mark of the third quarter then conceding 12 goals unanswered, to the point where the margin never got close enough to make it really scary, but wasn't far off.
How stupid was it? We've just won a game by 35 points and ended up on the wrong side of this...
Previous most consecutive goals by a losing team (2001 onwards) I think is 3 way tie on 9 between North Melbourne in *that game* vs Essendon; Geelong v Melb in the final round of 2021, and Hawthorn v Melbourne in 2002.
— Emlyn Breese (@EmlynBreese) July 4, 2026
New record is 12.
... and while we can't officially say 'unprecedented', there can't be many other occasions since 1897 where the conditions existed for a team to kick that many goals in a row before losing - and certainly not by this much. Dead set madness, perfectly encapsulating the MFC/Aeroflot experience of unconvincing highs followed by terrifying plummet. But we won, and the opportunity for a mass-Bermuda Triangle job was set up by one of the confirmed all-time great first halves - with a 77 point lead only marginally trailing a 1927 romp against Essendon as the most we've ever led by at the stage of a game. So let what happened at the end of the game not detract too far from that.
'Not going on with it' is in our DNA. The big clash with the Same Olds battle in '27 only saw 10 points added to the margin by the end, and in 1941 a record half-time score of 127 finished with a win of 'just' 40 points. Job done by extracting premiership points from a tricky game and furthering the campaign to play real finals, but I'd really enjoy kicking the piss out of a team one day. For now, let's just get excited by winning 10 games (and counting?) in a season again/Gold Coast spicing up the pre-swapped first round draft pick by being shit.
Even before a game that would've caused the dead to rise, I'm sure you were on edge, wondering if the teased loss of interest in footy before the bye was a one-off, or the first week of the rest of my life. I'm pleased to say that it took until about 1.03pm, but the pre-match elation/dread was back exactly where you'd expect it to be. Things were still a bit ropey mid-week, I'm usually fanging for the teams on Thursday night, but completely forgot to check until the email came out. Possibly because I didn't even know it was Thursday, which is a slightly more worrying symptom than any one-off mid-season footy malaise.
In the week celebrating Hawthorn's 25 years in Launceston, the highlight of the pre-match was Leigh Montagna reading a prepared statement about how the wonderful relationship between club and state with the enthusiasm of a man who had the Tasmanian Premier and Hawthorn CEO holding a gun to either side of his head. Until now, York Park was about the only fringe AFL venue we haven't played at. Ground management is obviously already preparing for a Hawk-less future, because there were Death Valley-style patches of sand at key points around the ground. Probably auditioning for a job at the new stadium if/when it's ever built.
When you think about the cast of injury replacements and randoms in Hawthorn's side, a six goal win seems perfectly reasonable - if you ignore the insanity that got us there. Apparently, half of Hawthorn's backline was missing, but most of the time that's all you need against us this year - he thought just before we had two players kick five each for the first time in 15 years.
If at this point in 2024 you'd told me I'd be enthusiastically welcoming Harrison Petty back as the saviour of our forward line my jaw would've dropped out of its socket, but when we started with Pickett (K) kicking OOF, and a pass bouncing off van Rooyen's chest like he was made of trampoline I was ready to get PETTY FORWARD FOREVER tattooed across my forehead. In the end, he was overshadowed by JVR and Fritsch kicking 10 and was one of many players to enter the witness protection program midway through the third quarter but unlike a spew, he is better in than out.
What turned out to be the biggest first half party since the Prime Ministership of Stanley Melbourne (Dees man?) Bruce, started with Fritsch getting his eye in early with one from the boundary line, then Langdon rolling one through from an obscure angle in the pocket to take the clubhouse lead of best ever 'mons goal at York Park. I wasn't getting too excited just yet. The earlier win over Hawthorn that made people roll around on the floor in joy also started with the first two goals, before we humoured them for a bit, ran away with it, then pulled the pin at the end. This had the start, the finish, and the end result in common, but little else.
There were missed opportunities, but at the second opportunity Petty successfully converted over the Copacabana Beach in the left of screen goalsquare. According to Gerard Healy, Petty was back playing "where he made his name". Which is only true if you didn't know who he was before playing in a flag. Healy then called the Hawthorn coach "Neil Mitchell", and does seem like the sort of person who'd love a spot of furious, audio finger-pointing talkback radio.
With Fritsch temporarily off with a farked finger, Jefferson stormed in for a fourth, and I'd have been more excited if we hadn't gone missing after a strong first quarter against Adelaide. Eventually, we'll get to the point where you can believe in a good start. Whether it's this decade or the 2030s is to be determined. Alternatively, get so far in front that even stopping as if shot for the last 1.5 quarters isn't enough to lose.
To nobody's surprise, Hawthorn's first came from somebody associated with the phrase "Hasn't kicked a goal yet this year". Re-enter Jefferson, who has got the marking bit of playing as a forward covered but is still ropey from the set shots. Nevertheless, and allowing for him never being seen again once the opposition turned up, he's showing enough to have won the argument over Kentfield for a spot in our forward line.
We're not in a place to be wasting set shots yet. But off the back of Gawn ruining his opponent, your friend and mine Jefferson (never, ever JEFFO) set up Laurie, and this was getting quite interesting. See also Pickett (L) getting a questionable free for the Hawthorn player doing a handball while tackled. He considered hanging shit on his opponent before Pickett (K) arrived to tell him to calm down, converted the set shot and it was getting VERY interesting. When (L) spun into a tackle, somehow didn't get pinged for HTB, and Sharp got the seventh goal of the opening quarter straight after I was still thinking "how are we going to stuff this up?"
The underrated highlight of a rampant first quarter where the opposition were reduced to gibbering wrecks was Jiath coming back for a second go at dicking his old team. It rarely works a second time, but he had a shit hot first half before vapourising along with everyone else.
It's just over a hundred years since Fuchsias d. Mayblooms in the flower derby by a record 141 points, a milestone that nobody celebrated but which looked half a chance of being overrun when the margin was out to +50 before halfway into the second quarter. Apparently, Hawthorn were exiting the lucrative Tasmanian market early. Meanwhile, Gawn was dominating his opponent to a degree not seen since the day he had 82 hitouts in a VFL game. Even after giving away a free, he dropped back and intercepted his opponent's kick.
Between regular reaction shots from Sam Mitchell looking like he was about to strangle someone - highlighted by them blowing a chance to walk into an open goal via sludge handball - this was quality riot running. The goal streaks in the 2021 R23/Prelim/GF were all more consequential, but they came at a time you still thought us capable of such a thing. Even after a season where we've regularly kicked decent scores, I'm still expecting to end games on 8.8.56. Nearly kicking that in back-to-back quarters does not compute.
At 67-8, our win probability was about 99%, but I was still on edge for a humiliating reverse. If we were the -8 I'd expect a 200 point loss, and without having any idea of the absurd finish ahead of us was already clenching up as the commentators started talking about percentage boosting. But at the same time, to make up for our dodgy free in the first quarter, Gawn got robbed out of one 30 metres out directly in front, which led to Hawthorn kicking from exactly the same spot... and missing. Cripes.
Even we couldn't blow a 77 point half time lead, so the question was how much/if any extra misery could be heaped upon the nominal home team. Conceding the first goal after half time wasn't part of Operation Battery, but Sharp got it back quickly, and at first I thought he'd signalled his own goal in the spirit of that Swedish bloke from (OBLIGATORY WORLD CUP REFERENCE!) USA '94 (NOT TO A TOURNAMENT THIS CENTURY!), but it turned out to just a generic double figures-out celebration, which is a bit disappointing.
By the time Van Rooyen got two more, and Pickett (L) his second, we were 96 points ahead by christ. Maybe Trent Rivers was a childhood Hawthorn fan or felt sorry for them, because he gave away a needless 50 from the next bounce to even things out. This kicked off footy's biggest power outage since the Waverley blackout.
You know things are going well when the lead is massive, and you're worried that it's going to become slightly less massive. I didn't expect it to become not massive at all, but despite what happened later, parking Gawn on the bench for 10 minutes was the right thing to do, both for the future of our season and for the humane treatment of his opponent. It did, however, coincide with Hawthorn's survival instincts kicking in, and what looked like 186 South ended with us only winning the third term by a point. Never mind, when you lead by 77 points at the last change, there's never going to be anything to get worried about is there? Turns out that in a game where the teams politely took turns standing around watching the other do as they liked, the extra half a quarter of work came in surprisingly handy.
I'm not a regular possession heatmap consumer (except when one of the Wagners made the cock and balls shape), but thought the fourth quarter version was worth a look:
So almost all of our limited possessions were desperate, usually failed, attempts to escape defence. Look at that left half forward flank, redefining the concept of 'Starvation Corner'.
Not featuring anywhere in that graphic, Lever, Pickett (L) or Sharp, who all had zero fourth quarter disposals. Howes, Jefferson, Petty, and Laurie only had one each, which I can believe considering we could barely get hands on the ball while the Hawks went almost unstoppably ballistic.
After not going near it for a half, Chol suddenly had five, they couldn't miss, and it was getting uncomfortably close to SURELY FUCKING NOT territory. I tried convincing myself that there was no possible way that they could keep going in the time available, but when the margin was down to four goals with about as many minutes left, Pickett (K) fumbled the ball after a centre bounce, and Ginnivan was pelting inside 50 my innards nearly dissolved like an Ebola virus patient.
We've been humiliated in so many different ways over the years that it's hard to find a unique source of misery, but putting several goals on top of the all-time greatest comeback in history would've been something. You'd think Hawthorn was still going to run out of time, but if Ginnivan converted I'm scared to think about how close we'd have gone to confronting the in-game apocalypse. My football life wasn't flashing before my eyes yet, but there was some DEEP clenching going on. If this were Hawksblog I'd be saying "Thanks for the comeback, but maybe don't get 96 points down in the first place?"
Finally, one of those rare dots on the right of the heatmap - not even enough to generate the slightest hint of red - led to us kicking over the top of the first gamer who had about 10 intercept marks and a spot on the Kingsley waiting list, and for Fritsch to make absolutely sure of winning. Odd that a sealer was required after starting the quarter 77 points up, but that's how we roll - downhill, like a car you're trying to trade-in before it catches fire.
van Rooyen cashed in on arguably his best game yet with a fifth, and it never got close enough to risk my blood pressure cracking the world record mark, but like Hitler invading Britain and Scully winning a flag with GWS, we can spend the rest of our lives pondering how awful it would've been if worst came to worst. But, until we miss out on a vital ladder position by 0.01%, the most important thing is four premiership points against another team in our neighbourhood on the ladder.
Let's appreciate the joyful romp of the first half and call the second a 'learning experience'. It was like Clive Palmer building up an enormous fortune, then squandering shitloads of it on dinosaur models, a recreation of the Titanic, and shit election campaigns. He's still rich, we still won the game by a decent margin, and let's hope that's the last time we're connected to the Titanic in any way this season.
2026 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Max Gawn
4 - Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Tom Sparrow
2 - Bayley Fritsch
1 - Daniel Turner
Apologies to Jiath and Steele.
Leaderboard
Seven home and away games left + god only knows what after that, and it's looking good for back-to-back Max. Turner tightens his grip on the Seecamp, and the Rising Star is edging closer to our first 'No Result' since 2005. The last exciting battle could be the podium race between Sparrow, Steele, Turner, and hopefully van Rooyen - because if he's kicking goals we'll be winning.
48 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
32 - Kysaiah Pickett
24 - Tom Sparrow
23 - Jack Steele
18 - Daniel Turner (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
14 - Jacob van Rooyen
13 - Ed Langdon
12 - Harvey Langford
9 - Jake Bowey, Kade Chandler
--- Needs at least one final ---
6 - Harrison Petty, Caleb Windsor
5 - Jake Lever
4 - Bayley Fritsch, Brody Mihocek, Koltyn Tholstrup
--- Needs at least two finals ---
2 - Blake Howes, Jake Melksham, Harry Sharp
1 - Jai Culley
Next week
After this, playing a side who should (on paper) be crushed, at a ground we're unbeaten at this year, is either going to end really well, or REALLY BADLY. And hello, here's 17th placed Richmond, turning up at just the point where people are starting to wonder if the rebuild they were whacking off about a year ago is a mirage. We should win this comfortably, but FRO with any talk about margins or percentage. Just get the job done and proceed - unexpectedly - towards September.
I watched half the Casey game then forgot to check the final score. Turns out they blew a lead too. Never mind. Even if I was never impressed by Henderson last year, he was very good here and deserves a chance to show that he was just being weighed down by playing the first five games of his career in a pox side. Johnson was also good, but I don't see a role for him unless one of the forwards is injured. Otherwise, pick a side to get through to the other side with the points - and our spot in the top six - intact.
IN: Henderson
OUT: Laurie (omit)
LUCKY: Windsor
UNLUCKY: Heath (not sure if still alive)
Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
It has to be the Langdon one from the boundary line that got the party started, though I have rarely appreciated a simple goal in a (relatively) comfortable win than Fritsch from the top of the square in the last quarter. Cross vs Collingwood still leads.
Final thoughts
Nothing to get excited about, just a solid 35 point win over a finals contender.
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