It's hard to believe that after a month of looking like a bad glory years cover act and being forced to play every available player on the list and one who wasn't, we ended our last game of the season inside the eight. Which was good, but like being in front of Fremantle at the final siren there's more to it.
This time we had to rely on Carlton invoking the spirit of '99 to spring an upset against Essendon, or for the Bombers to do something so stupid that the entire tasteless 'Natalie Wood gags' file could be read into Hansard. Trusting Carlton is like waiting for the Nigerian prince to come through with his part of the million dollar payoff but I was open to the prospect of Ultimate Bradbury. For about half the first quarter anyway, but before that we had to get through our part of the equation. There shouldn't have been any tension about beating a one win, wooden spoon team by any margin but I'm upset about the last M game of 2017 and will be using it a precedent for final round failure until carking it.
A few weeks ago there wasn't much difference between us and Collingwood, this was the final of the Rent-A-Player Cup for teams that most enthusiastically used the replacement scheme, but the difference is we were good before everyone was injured so things looked a lot better when the original recipe list were fit again. They were a mid-table team who went full catastrophe when players began to drop like flies. After the last few years I'd shed a tear for Robert Mugabe before the Pies so I didn't care if they finished 16th, 17th, 18th, or somewhere in the Icelandic Second Division as long as there was no last minute miracle that fixed us up in humiliating fashion.
You get the sense that Fox Sports treat their commitment to AFLW like somebody being forced to read out a statement by militants at gunpoint, but sending the same commentator as last week for a season-defining game the biggest pisstake in footy since Lachlan Veale. I'm not going to into depth in case it looks like a vendetta and I get chased through the street by an angry mob, but in the first five minutes Pisano was confused with Heath because they have similar hairstyles. In the spirit of debuts for promising youngsters in the last round, is there not a single up-and-coming female caller who could have had a go instead? For once the handover from Fox to Channel 7 means an increase in quality because Jason Bennett is involved, but to be honest after coming this close to finals and not making it I'll be struggling to give a rats.
There were early signs that the banana skin was going to be gently avoided without too much drama. Like Megan Fitzsimon becoming our latest forward 50 marking target. As good a contested mark as it was, and a fine converted set shot, the kick was delivered on a shiny silver platter by Kate Hore. Makes you wonder what would've happened if she hadn't dropped out of the side last week, but she did, we lost, and destiny went into the unreliable hands of others. When it happens to anyone else it's stiff shit, when it happens to us it's obviously a tragedy.
Collingwood might have responded to that goal straight away, but flubbed a shot on the run that we transferred to the other end at warp speed for Campbell to mark at close range and boot the second. The Pies weren't disgraced, and had plenty of chances, but it was like when we played teams like Brisbane or North who didn't crush us but were clearly light years ahead. I've watched plenty of wooden spoon (actual or moral) sides over the years, and the opposition did their bit to join in by gifting the third goal via an unnecessary 50.
Because we're reasonable people, Collingwood was allowed to get one of the goals back via defensive meltdown. It was the third free paid when some buffoon in the crowd screamed for it and the umpire said "yeah alright". In the Trump-style spirit of their club, Pies fans and players alike were soon moaning about decisions as if they're a hard done minority. One bit of generosity was fine, but we spent the rest of the quarter trying to let a second in. In the last minute they blew clear marks, players standing miles in the open, and had an optimistic snap bounce the wrong way in the dying seconds.
Our lead fairly represented how the game was going, but there was still a Watch and Act farce alert just in case. Then we conceded the opening goal and alarms were (unnecessarily) going off all over the place. Enter our good friend the umpires, who got confused when the idiot over the fence stopped appealing like Glenn McGrath and paid about four contentious frees in an as many minutes. This ended in Hore kicking a set shot after making the most of slightly high contact. Dry your eyes on a spoon, we had to win and I didn't give a rats how it happened. For a team that 's won one game their players did a great range of "why are you conspiring against us like this?" facial expressions.
There followed several minutes of an even game, before the slapstick spirit was reignited by a Pies defender dropping a mark, tripping over her own feet and doing a slapstick faceplant into the turf. The subsequent stoppage led to Hore's second and a reminder that everything was going to be alright. Then Hanks got another, and whoever has been teaching this team set shots should be employed year-round to work with the men. I don't think it's Ben Brown because nobody started their run-up in Kew. Party atmosphere officially launched when Bannan marked a kick from Campbell and enthusiastically celebrated with her before actually taking the shot.
With the result no beyond doubt, Fox went for a repeat of the award-winning Rhi Watt sideline interview from the GWS game. It started with an anecdote about Daniel Harford trying to ring her up and getting somebody called Trev instead, then she went from saying how great it is to play at Melbourne to announcing her retirement. I'm not suggesting she's a massive pisshead, but I can see her doing a modern version of Bill Brownless yelling "Where's the wheel?" at the Logies (e.g. the greatest ever Footy Show segment) and the club should do less bullshit TikTok style videos and retain her for a weekly comedy segment.
Now that we'd long overcome the scare that they were going to make a game of it, we had time to lay the boots in. Like Zanker shoving a defender out of the way for a mark nine seconds into the second half. Her kick fell short, as Gall diplomatically tried to let it go through, but all signs pointed to slaughter until the Pies went straight down the other end for a goal. It was only a short interruption to the carnival atmosphere, because Hore's third goal came from another free - just a bit more persecution for a club that thrives on it - before Zanker turned a defender inside out for good measure. I was watching on a massive delay so had no time for pre-match or quarter break content, didn't realise all the players had temporary tattoos, and thought she'd had the sort of thing that you rarely see law-abiding citizens with permanently applied to her neck.
The commentators finally worked out the difference between Pisano and Heath courtesy of the latter wearing different coloured boots. After a season trying to develop in a competition where there's nowhere outside the senior side to develop, this was her best game by miles. At the end of the quarter she took a solid contested mark for another accurate set shot. Sure the opposition were begging to be put out of their misery and end the season, but the signs were there. And if you can't trust the signs in the last round against the worst team in the competition what can you trust?
Now that the game was well won and there was no way for percentage to help us, I wanted a novelty Watt/Gillard forward line in the last quarter. Probably best not to mess with Gillard in case she does a knee for novelty and misses the next 12 months, but with five minutes to go Sensible Stinear finally went wacky and sent Watt forward. She was ransacked out of her chance to run into an open goal by Fitzsimon falling over at just the wrong time and sadly never got another chance due to the game and the commentary going into Super Junk Time. There was nothing else to be gained, but if you're a nuff about minor records like me you'll appreciate Eliza McNamara tying Liv Purcell's record for most disposals in a game.
The final siren instantly ended one Collingwood career, and retrospectively finished Watt up as well. It also meant the now traditional cancelling of my Kayo subscription until about five minutes before the first practice match of 2025. I'll miss a national draft where the action is stretched out more ludicrously than an NFL game and all the other lobster racing from Atlantic City level shit they've got on but will probably survive. Your prize for reading this far is the knowledge that they tried to lure me back with $15 off for the next five months. I preferred to save 100% but feel free to save yourself a few dollars with this rort.
Now we just had to wait and find out what Carlton was going to do. In a week where some numnut journalist suggested double headers with men's games as if we've all got entire days to set aside for footy, I couldn't watch but realised we were done for when the Blues had two ultra-late withdrawals. They kicked the first goal to keep things interesting for bit, before going gently to their doom without ever looking like a comeback. And verily the shutter was pulled down on a weird season where we were half dudded by injuries but probably wouldn't have done anything in the finals anyway. And if nothing else, Essendon beating Freo next week would mean we weren't the last team to lose any sort of final to them so it's not all bad news.
Now, after foolishly doing two seasons without a single guest writer I am going away until February to recharge the batteries and get ready for another nine months of footy related madness.
2024 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Eliza McNamara
4 - Olivia Purcell
3 - Kate Hore
2 - Megan Fitzsimon
1 - Tyla Hanks
Apologies to practically everyone else.
Leaderboard
To nobody's surprise the count was cooked last week, but after the full audit I should have done about three weeks ago you can now put the SCORES CORRECT sign up. Congratulations to all the winners. I haven't even got the energy to find and post the list of previous winners.
26 - Kate Hore (WINNER: Daisy Pearce Medal for Player of the Year)
20 - Eliza McNamara
19 - Sinead Goldrick
18 - Tyla Hanks
15 - Maeve Chaplin (WINNER: Defender of the Year),
14 - Tahlia Gillard
9 - Olivia Purcell
8 - Blaithin Mackin
7 - Alyssa Bannan
5 - Shelley Heath, Paxy Paxman
4 - Megan Fitzsimon, Sarah Lampard, Lily Mithen
3 - Georgia Gall (WINNER: Rising Star), Lauren Pearce (WINNER: Ruck of the Year)
1 - Georgia Campbell, Rhiannon Watt
Goal of the Week
Plenty of options from Set Shot Mania, but it's what I'm assuming is an inaugural nomination for Megan Fitzsimon for the one that got everything going. Bannan vs Richmond wins the lot.
Next Year
Unless there's another raft of mystery training injuries and pre-season face-breakings I think we'll bounce back. Watt is retired and who knows what's going on with Paxman, but most of the first choice players should be available. I'm assuming Aimee Mackin comes back, and in the five seconds before doing her knee Grace Beasley looked promising so will benefit from playing alongside Hanks/Purcell etc... I still think they should cash in on Tayla Harris and go full Gall but I'll bet that doesn't happen for promotional and Google ad reasons. Otherwise it's all about depth - of the placeholders we got from other clubs only Denby Taylor looks a likely first choice player, so the difference between just missing out and comfortably making it (potentially even challenging?) could be plucking some random diamonds from the rough out of the discards pile.
Final thought
See you next season, unless they lose the plot and decide to run this league at the same time as the men, at which point I'll be putting on a work experience kid or outsourcing the lot to AI.
