F'n Q

Based on previous season-defining games in Cairns I expected this one to start at about 5.45pm Melbourne time, which failed to account for Queensland's refusal to participate in daylight saving. That was a bit of a downer for anyone who is still fanging to watch anything MFC but had to get up at bullshit o'clock and is burnt to a crisp after writing about 37 match posts in the last 12 months/not having a good night's sleep since about 1994.

This is why I didn't see the second half until about 4.30 in the morning, missing out on live disappointment of narrowly missing football thievery that would have rivalled the Adelaide win for comedy value and immorality. Somehow despite Hawthorn dominating practically every facet of the game, and our contribution to what must have been the all-time AFLW record for intercept marks, there were opportunities to be one point down with time left, or to pinch a draw in the dying seconds. But we weren't, we didn't, and our season is kaput without a big upset in a league that only has about two big upsets a year.

The W fanbase has had full value from the last weeks, and yay for pulling back from the slop abyss, but I still reserve to right to be a bit glum about coming so close to another great backs-to-the-wall win. Who knows if the Essendon game would have still been a draw due to butterflies flapping their wings and all that, but if so we'd have been inexplicably left with our fate in our own hands entering the last round after looking clinically dead five weeks ago. Now we need to win and for the Bombers to do something hilariously inept against a Carlton side that hasn't done a thing for years.

When you talk about being killed by hope it's hard not to think of the all-time legend of this feeling, the man who survived a premiershipless life, back-to-back wooden spoons, 186, off-field tragedy, and 16.75 rounds of the Mark Neeld era before loudly storming out yelling "I can't take this anymore" because we blew a three goal lead against Freo. With those coping skills there's no way he's still alive 12 years later, but his legacy lives on every time I'm disappointed when we're teased by something unexpectedly good.

If opposition fans are keeping receipts (hello fellow young people), my implication that Hawthorn was only at the top of the ladder thanks to playing a string of crap sides might have come back to haunt me. To their credit, they'll be doing what we won't in a couple of weeks, but you may remember another side that walloped rubbish all season then fell over in finals. And if that happens Eliza West and Casey Sherriff would surely be the first pair ever to have consecutive straight sets exits at different clubs. I wish them both well personally but hope it happens for historical reasons.

Even after keeping the opposition goalless in the second half we were still flattered by the margin, but our fairytale finish started looking for the nearest emergency exit as soon as Kate Hore withdrew with a sore leg. Better not to risk her if unfit but what a massive loss when our depth has only just been upgraded to 'thin' from 'non-existent'. We also lost Colvin to a head knock just before returning from a head knock, so obviously after weeks without a mystery midweek injury we've put him from Full Metal Jacket in charge of training again.   

In the place where seasons go to die ours probably did again. Like 2020 we can still Bradbury in via the misfortune of others but likely won't. Who knows if Hore would've made the ultimate difference but given we were outplayed for most of the game, half the side struggled to get a kick and we still nearly grabbed something in the dying seconds she can only have helped. Especially when most of our kicks proceeded directly into the hands of a Hawthorn player in miles of space. This helped us stay in the game because a lot of time was taken up with this mad, hopeful punting into the distance. It was like when rugby union was a thing, one team hoofing it downfield, the other carrying it a few metres back before kicking it themselves, insert some weird rule interpretations that nobody understands, repeat endlessly.

It was one of those performances where nobody really deserved votes and if the system allowed it you'd probably distribute the 15 across eight or nine players who were ok. For instance, credit to McNamara, Hanks and Mackin for getting lots of the ball, but they generally followed it with mass slaughter. They didn't have much to aim at, but while disposal efficiency isn't everything, endless open play turnovers are death.

Things never looked better than the opening minutes, when regularly we had the ball at our end, and eventually Gall converted another set shot goal. I was ready to shut the game down and start this week's Rising Star presentation ceremony, then she only got two more kicks for the night. Still, she's made a lot of progress in the last few weeks and I'll launch a challenge against the board if not picked in Round 1 next year.

Now, please step into controversy corner. I support tracking down people who are awful to sportspeople on the internet and throwing them from an upstairs window, but have surely demonstrated enough support for women in sport to be able to ask for a break from Kelli Underwood's commentary. Brian Taylor still occupies the top right hand corner of the 'unprepared/ludicrously self-confident' axis (axes?), but after a couple of Dwayne-free months I'm relegating him to third place because he talks shite but gets the players right most of the time. 

I'm more than happy with female commentators but if there's not enough to go around, the AFL and broadcasters should be actively recruiting ex and soon-to-be ex-players and/or any enthusiastic amateurs for development. Maybe recruit some from Ireland, it seems to work for the players. And get on with it quickly, I'd rather listen to Lidia Thorpe and Pauline Hanson call a game together than go through this again.

This was the third and final leg of our Haunted By Premiership Players tour. First Birch, then Gay, and finally West and Sherriff simultaneously. But mainly West, with respect to Sherriff playing her first game since Round 2. When she was with us West got a lot of the ball but didn't always use it well, and at a base level it was similar in opposition, but watching her on the other side I appreciated the close-quarter spelunking that broke open packs and created space for teammates. Purcell does a version of this and even in fancy dress she's a good player but I didn't properly appreciate how good it was with both operating at the same time. The world's biggest trade meant we lost Sheriff, West and Gay for what turned into Pisano, Wotherspoon and Jacinta Hose so there's still plenty of time to come out of this ahead but it puts in perspective how much experience we lost at the end of last year. Between that, our fixture, and run with injuries this year narrowly missing finals is nearly an achievement. Making it would be nuts.

There was another ex-MFC cameo in their backline, and admittedly I was considering putting my head into a bucket of water for most of the commentary but did they ever mention Ainslie Kemp as one of our Round 1, 2017 originals? If it didn't make the fun facts sheet nobody was going to bring it up at random. Kemp missed the joy of our premiership by virtue of leaving the club three seasons before it happened but had plenty of chances to get a touch at our expense here, as the rare times we cleared the ball across halfway were turned back with the greatest of ease. By quarter time they'd turned countless opportunities into two goals and I thought we were about to be swept away. They were much better at moving the ball but couldn't convert. Part of it was good defence, part Hawthorn having so many options to kick to that they didn't know which one to use.

They only got one goal in the second quarter, which turned out to be their last of the game, but sadly it was enough as our attacking composure drifted out towards New Caledonia. Zanker may have been robbed out of a mark, but you'd never know because they didn't show the alleged free kick incident again. Either they've decided that everyone can rewind live TV these days, or more likely there's a directive not to show contentious decisions. But then every second in-game post on the league's official Twitter (never in a million years X - and the quicker Bluesky gets some momentum the better) is somebody being KOed in a tackle or otherwise maimed so maybe the whole thing is just run like Channel 31.

I appreciate the idea of not dwelling on the decisions of umpires practically doing it for the love of the game but you're taking the piss out of viewers not showing anything. If it leads to a goal we should get to see it once without editorials from the commentators. Meanwhile see you in 2025 for the broadcast of men's games where every contentious decision is followed by a cut to some defeated middle-aged man doing his block in the crowd. The replay machine was certainly working, because when the Hawthorn player took a big mark in the third quarter it was shown several times over the top of commentary so patronising to an indigenous player that even a politically neutral suburban dickhead like me was cringing.

We rode our luck a bit with their attacks in the second half, but Bannan got the lone goal of the third quarter and kept the margin to a manageable nine at the last change. The biggest impact of the quarter was to Sinead Goldrick's head, as the only rebounding player we had who could hit targets was cannoned into the ground by a tackle. She survived, only to end the game in Cloud Cuckoo Land after taking a knee to the face. Good performance until then though, spoiler alert but I thought she was clearly our best.

After regularly fading in the last quarter we managed to kick multiple sealers against Richmond before the lights went out when it couldn't hurt us, but with increasingly sweaty conditions, absence of captain, and nearly three full quarters of injury crisis weeks style attacking, nine points has never looked more like a mountain. And in a truly weird quarter both teams had chances, neither took them, and it ended with the ball at our end and crying out for somebody to do one of those bullshit goals where you aimlessly kick and it bounces over everyone's head.

We had two gettable set shots, and the pivotal moment was Mithen with a minute and change left. If you've been watching for long enough you'll remember her first career goals coming from a similiar position in a final. Alas it was not to be this time, meaning the best we could hope for was a draw that may or may not have been worth anything. I'd still have taken it just to avoid a side called Melbourne losing an AFL game.

Against everything we've learned this season, another five minutes might have done us well but time ran out and we were left to rely on Essendon doing anything but winning against Richmond to keep a tiny flicker of season alive. They supplied one of the two acceptable options and we're playing before them next week so sadly have to take it seriously. I still think we could do Elimination Final damage at best but am interested in testing the theory.

2024 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Sinead Goldrick
4 - Tyla Hanks
3 - Olivia Purcell
2 - Maeve Chaplin
1 - Eliza McNamara

Apologies to Bannan, Fitzsimon, Heath and Mackin.

Leaderboard
Let's not prematurely act like there's a chance of this competition extending beyond next week, and it was set for an unexpectedly grandstand finish until the last minute concussion which has undoubtedly ended Goldrick's season. So unless Hanks does something so extraordinary that she becomes the first six vote player in history then the captain has this in the bag. After two best and fairest wins, this is Hore's inaugural Daisy. The big drama will be amongst the defenders, as Chaplin sneaks ahead of Gillard. Gall and Pearce are still catchable in their awards but I can't see either happening.

23 - Kate Hore (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Daisy Pearce Medal for Player of the Year)
19 - Sinead Goldrick
17 - Tyla Hanks
15 - Maeve Chaplin (LEADER: Defender of the Year), Eliza McNamara
14 - Tahlia Gillard
8 - Blaithin Mackin
7 - Alyssa Bannan
5 - Shelley Heath, Paxy Paxman, Olivia Purcell
4 - Sarah Lampard, Lily Mithen
3 - Georgia Gall (LEADER: Rising Star), Lauren Pearce (LEADER: Ruck of the Year)
2 - Megan Fitzsimon
1 - Georgia Campbell, Rhiannon Watt

Goal of the Week
Without much to choose from, Gall wins for encouragement purposes. I'm not as frothy about Bannan's clubhouse leader goal as I was last week when it formed part of our path to a mystery flag but it was still had timing, context and execution on its side so remains in front.

Next Week
In a wildcard reversal of the men's competition, it's a last round practical dead rubber against Collingwood where we have the outside chance of making finals. When I expected Essendon to beat Richmond and make it so we had to win by about 150 points my first instinct was to pick every fit player who started year without a game - keep Taylor and Wotherspoon, debut Rigoni, and bring back Delany to see if I can consistently spell her name right this time. Now that we have to win, and would really rather avoid providing one of the rare AFLW upsets by losing to a putrid Collingwood side, I suppose it's in Colvin, Hore, Paxman and let's go for it as best possible before settling down for a rare evening of wanting Carlton to win. 

I can see our bit happening, the other doesn't seem very likely but it will be laughs all round if Essendon go from clubbing us into the ground two months ago to being pipped for a finals spot. 

Final thought
It was/will be fun while it lasted.