When the wind blows

Usually I don't give a rat's about utopian ideals like the good of the game and non-MFC related fairness, but it's probably fair that our bubble has burst in nuclear fashion after eight seasons at or around the top. As the opposition coach was called Natalie Wood it would be impolite to say we finished this game resembling a body plucked from the ocean, but less than a year after I wondered if we'd be subject to a trustbusting style forcible breakup by the league, trades, natural attrition and injuries have done the job before they got the chance to stuff it up.

You'll remember that I suggested the North game could be the first time were ever kept to zero goals, but after narrowly avoiding it that day I certainly wasn't expecting to go closer against a decent but unspectacular team that started 1-3 and only narrowly better off on percentage than us. But without the injured Mackin and Zanker, the second half malaise of the Freo game continued in spectacular fashion. Enter our all-time lowest score, biggest loss, and an absurd mismatch in a game where we should have been competitive. 

It had to happen eventually, but I'm just worried about how much further we can push these records by the end of the year. Things are going to get very ordinary. The only goal was an arguably lucky snap from a pack, and we never went close to artfully constructing one. The next day Hore and Zanker were in the Grand Final day parade of champions as joint-leading goalkickers last year, and at this rate we'll be lucky if the entire list reaches their combined 2023 totals. Alternatively we'll be lucky to have a list to pick from by the last round.

My 'everything looks better in a stadium' theory went out the window when somebody recently kicked one goal at Princes Park, but Windy Hill fit the requirement for a ground with at least one stand that doesn't resemble a public park. Ok, there was a bit of the boundary line that was straight - despite significant empty space behind it - but otherwise it was an acceptably mid-range venue for AFLW. It still came off a bit weird when the commentators went on for 3.5 quarters about the place being packed to the gills and fans 'nearly' having to be turned away (e.g. they weren't but we're making storylines up for dramatic purposes), then the crowd was just over 3000. Which is a fine number, but the way they were talking I thought it must have been on the verge of outdrawing the men vs GWS.

There's not much that can be said about this game, because even more so than a couple of our other debacles this year it was pretty much all the other side with the ball and our backline trying desperately to hold back an unstoppable tide. You could tell how it was going when Chaplin overran the ball trying to rush it, leaving an opponent to happily pluck it off the deck and kick through an open goal. In a purely sporting and non-suspect way I'm a Chaplin fanatic but this was pure slapstick. By the end she'd tried to hold back enough to be our best player, but between this and a free kick in front of goal the first quarter looked like a Candid Camera-style pisstake.

Predictably, we ended the day in even deeper injury shit than before but it was already so bad that Rent-A-Player finally had to be activated. It's not at the level of having to play randoms yet, and Demonblog's own Delaney Madigan remains the only listed player not to get a start this season, but 2/3 emergencies were from Casey and we were two mystery injuries/chuckings of sickie over a long weekend from playing confirmed randoms. It probably couldn't have made things worse. The next step is to pick some Major League style misfits, straight out of jail if possible, and we can have fun with being shite.

The first quarter wasn't all bad news. Essendon treated us with the sort of contempt we've traditionally dished out on the league's battlers, but amidst the carnage Wotherspoon recaptured the heady joys of pre-season with a first career goal. It was more lucky kick under contact than well-crafted conversion after expert ball-movement but you'll take them from wherever at the moment. Especially when it was our final score for the game. For those playing along at home, that means across the last three quarters were got 0.0.0. May as well have called 000 and tried to get the game shut down because this was indescribably putrid. Suffice to say we're not doing Goal of the Week this time.

The last recycled player on the list to get a game was ex-Port Adelaidian Lily Johnson. She did alright under the circumstances, but our biggest problem at the moment is a lot of players doing alright but barely anyone excelling. The result is carnage, and while I'm perfectly willing to accept a lowly season I'd rather it not involve being teed off on violently for the rest of the year.

Alyssia Pisano's rookie year misery tour continued as her career record hit a truly unprecedented 0-4. She had a lovely run through the middle when the game was lost, but it's a shit time to be trying to playing forward for us. As the commentator trying to put a brave face on this fiasco said, emergency situations like this mean experience for players who might not otherwise get a game, but I'm sure we'd have made room for a top 10 draft pick sooner rather than later - the issue is that we're being forced to give games to players who wouldn't have got near our senior side in any other year.

Because nobody gets out of 2024 unscathed, Eliza McNamara's reward for a best on ground performance last week was a splattered nose. She returned bandaged up like Tutankhamen, unlike Shelley Heath and a shoulder that exploded like an old school stick of dynamite in a tackle. There goes another first choice player who can be relied on to give all trying to keep us from being savagely dismantled. What could possibly go wrong? Especially when the dickheads who run this league have come up with the genius plan of cramming extra games into the season by making teams play twice in a week. Because some flange has watched the Premier League and/or NFL, they're not spreading the games across different rounds they're being referred to as 'weeks'. Not here they won't be, where it'll be Round 7A and Round 7B. We'll be lucky to have seven fit players left by then. As Heath departed lawn bowls continued unscathed in the background and we must have been close to press-ganging some Esme Watson-esque granny to occupy the bench.

We haven't been torn apart by Essendon like this since 146, and the party atmosphere was going so well that one of their goals was followed by a kiss blown over the fence to a heckling fan. No chance for such antics at the other end, where we could've played until Thursday without having a set shot. Nobody was helped by panicky delivery that usually landed with a defender in acres of empty space, but even when there was something resembling a contest we were barely involved. Gall is - to put it nicely - a long-term project, and with no space for Hore or (insert any other name) to run into this was tough to watch. 

I don't understand how we've got two rucks but neither ever seems to end up resting forward. Tayla Harris did more in one Google ad than all of last season but this made you appreciate how she at least got to contests. It was easily Watt's best game for us but she's as likely to contribute to the scoring as me. There's no help coming so we'll have to live with this setup for the rest of the year. If we're going to lose with rotten scores anyway play Gillard forward and see what happens. And speaking of positional switches, this was so broken by the end that the latest flying goalsaving tackle was provided by Bannan. This was something when she still can't kick goals on the eastern seaboard. I'd say send her to West Coast but apparently they're good now so the competition has officially gone bonkers.

Any hope that we'd pull up before stacking into a mountain was lost, and all the depressing milestones were ticked off in the final quarter. I'd threaten to microwave my membership for comedy value (now that we're 1-7 since purchase it should be stripped anyway) but I'm not sure they automatically renewed it. I've got no emails, the mobile app doesn't tell me anything, and I guess the payment wasn't taken out with the men's one (now featuring 15 years of paying for a guaranteed Grand Final ticket that's been used once by some rando). I wouldn't boycott just because it's gone medieval on-field, but also have scant time to follow this stuff up so on the off-chance you're from the club take this as permission to access my personal details and let me know what's going on.

So yes, this was a complete disaster but probably inevitable given the state of the list. Obviously I'm sticking out the season rather than flouncing off because things are getting difficult (having said that - sign up to be the guest reviewer any time you like) but it feels like the rest of the year is going to be a procession of teams paying us back for everything we did to them over the years. At least we've got the memories.

2024 Daisy Pearce Medal votes
5 - Maeve Chaplin
4 - Tahlia Gillard
3 - Sinead Goldrick
2 - Megan Fitzsimon
1 - Rhiannon Watt

No need for apologies under the circumstances.

Leaderboard
DefenderMania continues, and in a milestone moment Watt becomes the oldest player to score a vote in Demonblog history. Otherwise it's all a bit shit.

14 - Tahlia Gillard (LEADER: Defender of the Year)
10 - Maeve Chaplin, Eliza McNamara
9 - Sinead Goldrick
8 - Kate Hore, Blaithin Mackin
4 - Paxy Paxman
3 - Lily Mithen, Lauren Pearce (LEADER: Ruck of the Year)
2 - Megan Fitzsimon, Shelley Heath, Sarah Lampard
1 - Rhiannon Watt

Next Week
It's Thursday night against GWS in what would have once been a potential massacre but is now reduced to simply a winnable game. Attendance may struggle to reach three figures, but on the occasion of them finally scheduling us to play at Princes Park I'm going to try and get there to support the Say No To Suburban Parks campaign.

Given that Jemma Rigoni was nearly fit enough to play this week I expect they'll go for the good news story and throw her right into the side no matter how underdone. If Guy is the only other person there we can start talking about 1998 when things get too depressing. Enjoy this while you can, because the next game is against Adelaide and after that they'll only be able to identify us via dental records.

Final thoughts
We haven't got around to the W version of Narrm yet, but allow me to get in early and say NAR to this season.