The bland played on

I haven't gone into any game 100% convinced about Melbourne winning since 1993, but this was the first time in several years that I didn't rate us any chance. After weeks of trying to conjure up a reverse jinx of individual players this almost set one off for the whole team. Sure all the scoring was stacked into one part of the game, but a side who'd been scoring for fun recently was held to a reasonable total at home, and we started the last quarter ahead. Then the Make A Wish Football Club reappeared, finishing the game with 0.4, and losing by under a kick. Goodbye West Coast '98 style season rebooting win, hello confirmed mid-table mediocrity.

So much of Friday night was good that I'm more broken up about losing than any recent home and away game, and even a couple of the finals. But you get what you deserve for kicking eight goals in one quarter, an average of one for the rest, and nil when it counted. Regardless of the cock-up finish and barely scoring for 3/4 of the game I'm happier at how we played than against North. Shame that premiership points are distributed on final score rather than exceeding expectations (this week anyway), because this has left us where we expected to be, in a fair bit of shit.

If you're already treating this as the 2025 pre-season there's not much to argue about in this performance, but those of us clinging onto outside hopes of a revival are entitled to be deflated. Twice this year we've put on an unexpected brisk run of goals against the Lions while looking almost totally incapable of scoring for the rest of it. Last time Brisbane applied the handbrake after they'd confirmed victory, this time the rush came when it counted but was followed by relatively bugger all. Either way, what must have been our most inexperienced side in years put in the desired effort and nearly pulled off something memorable but ultimately it's a case of 'operation successful, patient dead'. Maybe not quite dead, but with somebody hovering over the top with a defib yelling "clear!"     

Last week we won in a rock bottom atmosphere of disappointment, but this felt much more like a final. Mostly because we kicked an average score, slaughtered a bunch of golden chances to win, then lost a thriller. Stranger things have happened, but this may be as close as we'll get to a September atmosphere this season. At the same time, as much as it feels like the Grim Reaper is rounding the final turn, the only completely unexpected loss was West Coast, so pull a couple of wins out of our arse in the next few weeks and who knows. I think I know, but am still holding off joining the anti-everyone picket line. 

This was a brave performance (and I hate that we're back to having brave performances) Lever's return only restored one vital piece of the puzzle, so unless you've got supernatural belief in Bowey, Melksham, Salem or A. Random making a difference I'd be surprised if we even get to the nightmare scenario of having to beat Collingwood in the last round just to sneak into the eight. Some will say they don't want to fall in, but I'd be happy to get a ticket in the lottery and see what we can do without expectation.  

Recent games have included more storylines than the World Wrestling Federation, but I think we can bash through this relatively quickly. If you're in a hurry the TL:DR is - slow start followed by purplest patch of the season, before clinging on for the second half while Brisbane ran us down in slow motion, before botching a few chances to counter-punch, falling over in the last few minutes, then losing to a suicidal free kick.

By full time I was reportedly swearing enough for the whole house to hear it, but started this game doing the emotional equivalent of watching through my fingers. Brisbane has done silly things like losing to Hawthorn and drawing with Adelaide this year, but seem to have found their bloodlust in recent weeks, including two 150+ point scores - which was about 33% of what we'd done all season. 

With Lever back, I had faith we'd avoid the same plundering that fellow ex-premiership contender Port got last week, but had zero faith of keeping them to a score we could cover. Based on the last quarter against North that could have been as low as 0.1.1. We got a bit from columns A and B, nearly halving their score from last week and kicking our fifth highest tally of the season, but just falling short. The problem - and at the moment there's always a problem - is that the fifth highest total was mostly made up by the first highest quarter. The rest was ordinary. And unlike the previous game I wouldn't have been offended if we'd fallen over the line with our gizzards hanging out.

After having to show a string of games where we tried to put the nation to sleep, Channel 7 must have thought their only chance of value from broadcasting this was Brisbane kicking our brains in. They did their bit to hype 'interstate club vs mid-range Victorians in shit form' with a dramatic pre-match video package that heavily focused on the lights going out last year rather than a dozen more interesting things that have happened between these sides in recent years. And that's without risking their broadcast licence by showing Alex Neal-Bullen power spewing on the Gabba in 2022. The most offensive bit of that footage (viewer discretion advised) is being 10 goals up before half time and knowing what happened in the rematch.

Unlike the players called on to have a big laugh about the power outage I'm still upset about being so far behind at the time, but the one interesting thing to come out of it was behind the ball footage that showed the big bang happened just as an opponent was mid-leaping smother attempt against Angus Brayshaw. If that's not dramatic foreshadowing I don't know what is, but I'll note that even in sudden darkness this guy managed to avoid going through him like a freight train at a level crossing. And if there was a murder in the dark incident I think we'll agree that the Brisbane player would have paid the 'early season'/'not Collingwood player' tax and been suspended.

Days after suggestions that Channel 7 might give Big Turd the Big Turf (spoiler: no way this happens), this putrid cartoon character of a commentator did his best to promote network interests by declaring it was a "good start for Melbourne" 28 seconds in. This was based on a single clearance and inside 50 that failed to generate a score, and at the point where most of us still expected to lose comfortably it felt like a pisstake. Especially when Brisbane soon went two goals up without much resistance. These madcap antics might appeal to some sections of society, but none that should be taken seriously. 

This dickhead annoyed me so much I considered the gimmick where you can sync SEN commentary to your TV but flinched at the prospect of every in-game event being tied to some bootleg-sounding sponsor and ongoing mortality reminding mentions of how Tobin Brothers are celebrating lives. Even if much of it will come from people watching TV in a studio, roll on Foxtel having their own commentary on Channel 7 games next year. Until they go out of their way to annoy me and try to counter-program Taylor with Dwayne Russell. Keep everyone happy and have a range of feeds from Complete Lunacy to Hardcore Footy Nerdery, then I can pick something in the middle and switch to the extreme options as necessary.     

Anyone who saw what we did with a legitimately good start against Freo would have wanted a bit more evidence than that, and the sense that this could get disastrous was furthered by Cam Rayner jumping all over Woewodin at the top of the square, then treating him like a peasant after. I'm all for players doing spicy things to keep the game interesting, but Brisbane is quite a lippy organisation considering they've done nothing except let Collingwood win a flag. Once we're no longer eligible to participate in the premiership race I'll be specifically going for James Jordon, but there will be serious moral dilemmas if we're left with Brisbane holding the fort against Carlton, Collingwood or Essendon flags.

After signing up to thousand of dollars in fines for a pissweak 'melee' against North, our rulebreaking technique of the week was the clattering late spoil. It didn't rattle Brisbane nearly as much as the ground level chase 'n tackle in the second quarter, but I'm ready to rerun the JVR vs Gold Coast 'football action' defence if anyone gets rubbed out. 

They nearly got their second goal from another celebrity finee, as May gently tracked a ball over the line without realising it came off a Brisbane player. Lucky for him the replay showed it came via a knee and we survived with a point, but not before a good old fashioned exchange of views with Lever. Despite clear video evidence that it wasn't a goal some humanoids booed loudly, proving that some people need to exiled from mainland Australia. To be fair May did yell at Tomlinson for an even less ridiculous leave against Freo but as a White Line Fever nutter I'm sure he'd appreciate the irony.

This was only a quick break from them pounding away like a huge score was on the cards, before Pickett made his usual Mr. Electricity contribution while all stood still around him. He kicked off one of his best nights (well, best three quarters but he wasn't alone in disappearing late) with a big tackle in front of goal. That helped slow Brisbane down, and with the Gawn to Oliver/Viney service working better than anytime recently we got back in the game. Viney did pretty much as last week, throwing himself at every contest like a mad bastard, stopping them gettting it enough that you can excuse most of the disposals missing a target. After a career worst game, Oliver bounced back for much better this time. He didn't run it out, and is still light years below his peak footy gathering years but the right instincts are still there if we don't do something stupid like trade him to Port Adelaide for pick 37 and a fringe Motlop.

I was happy that we'd stopped letting goals in, but at the price of not kicking them ourselves. This time there were plenty of opportunities, but after zero behinds after half time last week we fed the habit with a 1.5 quarter plus bonus OOF. In another throwback to the worst win ever, Rivers got anothrt one on the run, but not until he'd been pinched running the Olympic Marathon first. 

If they'd punished that accordingly instead of missing from 20 metres out it might have provoked a collapse, but we survived until quarter time looking likely to battle hard but slowly ebb away to our death. Then out of nowhere, the best response to going under siege since Casey Ryback. I wouldn't have enjoyed it so much knowing we'd only kick one more goal for the game, but at the time eight in a quarter was a welcome break from recent medieval sadness. 

A word for Andy Moniz-Wakefield, who survived the dreaded fringe player change of position in the VFL, and had to rack up shitloads of disposals for weeks on end before getting his chance. I was worried it was going to come off like cycling through the list while the house burned down around us, but he looked comfortable against good opposition. Whether it's a long-term thing I can't say, but if we were at full pelt this year he may never have got a chance then got the boot after three years on the list and if we have to be in reduced circumstances I'm happy he got a chance and made the most of it.

For the first time since ??? we genuinely had a decent team on the run for a few minutes. It's happened in patches this year, but not to this level. It started slowly, with our first goal being wiped out via one of May's occasional short kick-in disasters. The old 'wallop it long and to the left' move is a cliche, and maybe Gawn was off the ground at the time, but if we're going to be beaten to a mark I'd rather it happen 60 metres from goal, not right in front. That could've been the green light to fall apart, but instead provoked us to go absolutely boonta. Pickett and Viney were at the heart of it, but Gawn's dominance in the middle helped. It wasn't one of his better around the ground games, but he flayed McInerney at the stoppages, and for once we did something when ball met ground.

By the time Oliver got a 50 that was actually about 40 (after North got one that was 70) for the sixth in a row I was getting excited. This is always the most dangerous thing to do around Melbourne, because naturally the next thing we did was let one in at the other end. But Pickett's fourth before the break restored the lead and by christ we looked good again. My only concern was recent inability to string multiple high scoring quarters together. We'll boot five or six (not usually eight), then follow it with one or none, so I wasn't getting sucked in to thinking this was a life-affirming romp waiting to happen.

The rot started in comical fashion after May took a mark on the wing, then after everyone ran forward the Brisbane player appeal for a free like he was playing cricket, the umpire went "you know what, you're right", and paid a block that left our backline standing around going "pardon?" while three Brisbane players ran into an open goal. Not for the last time in this game they nearly stuffed up a golden opportunity, but finally made it count. 

Turner popped up for a goal not long after, and after his shithouse miss on King's Birthday I'm back to being confident in his set shots, but the petrol light was starting to blink. So was the goalkicking accuracy light, with Langdon and Petty both missing gettable shots. Ironically, after weeks of hanging shit on his forward craft this was Petty's best game in ages. The issue is that he can't kick a set shot to save himself anymore, which was cruelly highlighted by the fact that he got near the ball more often than the last month combined, took five contested marks, and did enough to have four shots. 

One of them would have made the margin 28, but turned straight into a Brisbane goal at the other end, setting basic people who couldn't comprehend how much better this was than him not getting a touch at all off onto all sorts of excessively personal rants. I'm excessively on the record in not wanting him to play as a forward, but you're as late to the party choosing this as a week for a full turn as I will be when eventually cracking the full shits with Goodwin. Both he and Turner showed improvement here, and if we're going to stick with trying to make them a thing then here's hoping the big click isn't far away. Then just as he'd got some confidence in one part of his game, Harrison limped off with an ankle injury, got subbed out in just the week we might have got something out of him at the end, will probably find out in a few days that his leg needs to be amputated. I bet they'd still try and play him, hopping around on the remaining one in the background.

It was heading in the wrong direction when Pickett briefly recovered the momentum with a lovely fifth, leaving us 15 points ahead at three quarter time. I knew Brisbane was far from dead, but dearly wanted to believe that we'd survive a competitive, maybe even high-scoring final term and come out ahead. A trench warfare struggle with no goals was more likely, but surely (SURELY) we wouldn't go full loser and have a second goalless final quarter in two weeks?

If they were just going to take him off anyway, I have NFI why Petty came back on for the last quarter, but he could have made it worthwhile by converting the opening set shot. I don't know if Kynan Brown would have made a difference in a team that looked collectively dead, but it took another half a quarter for him to come on. This time he didn't get to open his account with a flying, goal-saving tackle, but could always look forward to his dreams coming true with a full game in the VFL the next day.

The rest of this was like a nature documentary with a predator stalking wounded prey, waiting to tear it to buggery. We were holding up at the back, including McDonald flying in to stop what would have been an obvious goal, but couldn't for the life of us put the game away. This time there were shots, just not many, and none any good. Between the defenders and Viney flying in for a K. Brown-esque super-tackle to stop a goal, a lot of players were justified in walking off annoyed that we couldn't finish this off.

One person who would have been shocked at our inability to hold on was your old friend Brian Taylor, who issued the ridiculous prediction that we'd done enough to hang on while seven points up with four minutes left. About 20 seconds later Brisbane kicked a goal. Earlier the commentators hung shit on whoever plays the post-goal music at the Gabba for getting the songs wrong, when they themselves got the songs wrong. Not long after, the night of live ladder updates with implications of a win for either side (as if this meant anything in Round 15) were rendered useless when scores were level, at which point these useless tits didn't put up a ladder explaining what a draw would mean.

Now there was no saving the game, but also fat chance of winning it. Brisbane had all the play, and got the decisive goal when the Bullet took a quick diversion from his career best season to fail the Acting Football League test, blatantly walking over the line under no pressure and giving away a free. Try as much as you like, you'll never stuff up a game against Brisbane in a more interesting way than Lever twirling himself into a 50 at the end of that final. It still required a brilliant finish from Huge McLuggage, but we'd finally got as deserved for not being able to make the game safe.

Now any result with premiership points attached would have been a steal but I was into it.  Fritsch had a big swing at a snap that would have levelled it, which opened the door to a seven point play miracle scenario that they could use in the highlights package next time. They gave us a chance, except that Rivers got it too far out to score, couldn't bring himself to square it to McDonald for a running ping, and finally ended up opting for a long kick to Tom Sparrow vs three defenders, which went as well as you'd expect. God knows where any of the alleged forwards were at this point, but there was nobody in the vicinity for the massive snap/bullshit toepoke required to win it and we were stuffed.

I've remained calm for all the other losses this season, but this set me off and ended in a child-size couch (child not included) being flung across the room and into a door. That'll be the premiership anaesthesia wearing off but it's nice to feel something again. 

2024 Allen Jakovich Medal votes
5 - Kysaiah Pickett
4 - Jack Viney
3 - Max Gawn
2 - Clayton Oliver
1 - Jacob van Rooyen

Apologies to Lever, McDonald, Neal-Bullen, Petty and Rivers.

Leaderboard
There's still a minimum 40 votes to be had so anyone's still an outside chance, but - famous last words alert - it's hard to see Gawn losing from here. Even harder to imagine anyone other than May outscoring him at a quick enough rate to stage a K. Brown vs North-style last minute run-down. No movement in the other minor awards, and with Lever's return I'm holding off on upgrading May to provisional Seecamp winner for a bit.

37 - Max Gawn (PROVISIONAL WINNER: Jim Stynes Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
27 - Steven May (LEADER: Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
23 - Christian Petracca
22 - Alex Neal-Bullen
18 - Jake Lever
16 - Jack Viney
12 - Kysaiah Pickett
11 - Clayton Oliver
9 - Judd McVee
7 - Tom McDonald
6 - Trent Rivers
4 - Bayley Fritsch, Christian Salem, Tom Sparrow, Adam Tomlinson, Jacob van Rooyen
3 - Ed Langdon, Daniel Turner (JOINT LEADER: Rising Star Award), Caleb Windsor (JOINT LEADER: Rising Star Award)
2 - Kade Chandler, Harrison Petty
1 - Jack Billings, Blake Howes

Aaron Davey Medal for Goal of the Year
The leaderboard is all about Q4 goals in wins and I don't see any need to change that. Maybe this would have become relevant if Trent Rivers got onto a cannon at the end, or if the Sparrow vs Brisbane battle had ended in somebody doing a bicycle kick from 40 metres out on the boundary line. Instead I'd like the Pickett one where he fended off, then snapped from distance. Bless that man for providing a spark of entertainment in an otherwise dull operation.

1st - Bayley Fritsch (Q4) vs Geelong
2nd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Footscray
3rd - Kysaiah Pickett (Q4) vs Geelong

Next week
If you think there's anything left in this season, it's all on the line in our home rematch with King Harley Race, because we either beat West Coast or fold the tent for 2024. Hopefully this time they don't kick Lever's face off in the first quarter, and find the MCG less inviting than Premiership Stadium. Last time we were so generous allowing the Eagles to romp around unchallenged that they turned up the next week thinking the code was cracked and lost to Adelaide by 99 points. 

Even after their best performance together I still refuse to believe we're going anywhere with Petty and Turner in the same side. Maybe after full pre-seasons as forwards, but not yet. But what else are you going to do? Assuming Goodwin would drink poison before doing the obvious McDonald - Petty swap, I'm frightened to say we probably have to go with it again. The whereabouts of Ben Brown have been answered by a 'knee - TBC' injury report, so we'll probably never see him again, Fullarton is about as likely to kick goals for us as Brodie Grundy, and Schache is the only KPF option less exciting than the ones we've got. So you're down to playing smaller with McAdam (nah), or wheeling out another first gamer and hoping Jefferson doesn't get swallowed by the black hole of death inside our forward 50.

Windsor was cooked the last time we played West Coast and we've kept playing him every week, so it's time to finally to finally pat him on the back for a job well done and send him away for a couple of weeks. Otherwise, I've lost faith in Chandler a bit so he can get the spirit of 2021 back by applying tracksuit and waiting 3.5 quarters to be called on. Kynan Brown got to stretch his legs against Preston on a wet ground with a massage parlour clearly visible behind the fence, and from the parts that I watched I'm satisfied that he did well enough to justify starting on the ground next week. Despite the same standalone VFL opposition disclaimer, Jefferson looked alright in the parts of the game I saw, but if Petty is fit sitting through his recent form then chuck him after five contested marks would be odd.  

At the time of writing I've got no idea what's happening with Salem. After the unconvincing 'tactical sub' when clearly hurt last week, he wasn't listed on the Monday injury reports, before missing with injury. If he's mobile I suppose you play him, even if he's been average this year. Same for Bowey, who was a late withdrawal. Whether you need them both and Moniz-Wakefield, who would be extraordinarily stiff to get the boot after one game, I don't know. Send one of them forward and they can hold a reunion with all the other defenders. 

Not making any predictions because I've got no idea what's happening, but preparing for Round 1, 2013 style beetroot-faced yelling over the fence if we lose. I can't bring myself to go fully mental so will just curl into a ball and think about the good times.

IN: Bowey, K. Brown (to start)
OUT: Windsor (omit), Chandler (to sub)
LUCKY: Woewodin
UNLUCKY: Howes, Jefferson, Laurie

The All New Bradbury Plan...
... is irrelevant if we don't contribute by winning, but just for the record,

Essendon d. Collingwood (50/50)
North Melbourne d. Gold Coast
Port Adelaide d. Footscray (almost 50/50, but go against the side with a healthy percentage)
Hawthorn d. Geelong
Carlton d. GWS
Fremantle d. Richmond
Sydney d. St. Kilda
Adelaide d. Brisbane

Final thoughts
Part of me wants to be happy about an improved performance in difficult circumstances and good signs for the future, the remaining 99% clinging to the hope of immediate success is really miserable.